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1
00:00:03,052 --> 00:00:07,096
Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham.
The capital of British Pakistan.
2
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They all know me.
Do you like my suit?
3
00:00:18,048 --> 00:00:20,028
Number one. Citizen Khan.
4
00:00:21,056 --> 00:00:24,036
I need a lift to work.
I'm on the afternoon shift.
5
00:00:24,036 --> 00:00:26,020
Hold your horses!
6
00:00:30,064 --> 00:00:33,040
Kitchen's out of bounds.
I'm mopping the floor.
7
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No footprints, see?
8
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You women make such
a fuss of housework,
9
00:00:37,008 --> 00:00:39,024
but if you did it properly,
it's easy peasy.
10
00:00:39,024 --> 00:00:41,040
Just mind you don't hurt yourself.
11
00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:45,060
Chillax, sweetie.
It's all under control... ooh!
12
00:00:45,060 --> 00:00:48,096
See? Fine. But remember, you have to
put the washing in.
13
00:00:48,096 --> 00:00:50,080
Now I want it put in at 30 degrees.
14
00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:52,080
Yes, yes. Why is the...
15
00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:54,028
Stop! You can't come in here!
16
00:00:54,028 --> 00:00:55,048
Why is the bathroom locked?
17
00:00:55,048 --> 00:00:57,088
Ask you father.
He's in charge of the house today.
18
00:00:57,088 --> 00:01:00,088
Bathroom now only open
between 7:00 and 8:30.
19
00:01:00,088 --> 00:01:02,032
What? Why!
20
00:01:02,032 --> 00:01:04,092
My house, my rules.
Opens again at quarter past six.
21
00:01:04,092 --> 00:01:07,012
But that's not for hours. Chup.
22
00:01:07,012 --> 00:01:09,064
But... Chup. Dad! Chup!
23
00:01:09,064 --> 00:01:12,068
Well, come on, then.
I don't want to be late.
24
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Sweetie!
25
00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:18,044
Ah. That's got it.
26
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Ah!
27
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KNOCK ON DOOR
28
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Ah!
29
00:01:27,004 --> 00:01:29,076
Salman I like him, Mr Khan.
30
00:01:29,076 --> 00:01:31,088
Keith,
have you finished my patio yet?
31
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Not quite.
32
00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:39,072
You've been out there all week. What's the
hold-up? Too many blooming tea-breaks, isn't it?
33
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I was just wondering
if I could use your loo.
34
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No. Please. It's closed.
35
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But I'm bursting.
36
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Fine. But be quick.
37
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Thanks! Oh, oh!
38
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And make sure you sit down!
I don't want any splashes!
39
00:02:00,004 --> 00:02:02,060
Right, now I've made a list
of the jobs that need doing.
40
00:02:02,060 --> 00:02:05,040
There's no need. Remember to do
the washing like I said.
41
00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:08,036
Yes. And call the caterers
for Shazia's wedding. Sweetie!
42
00:02:08,036 --> 00:02:11,020
Oh, and we need to find work
placement for Alia.
43
00:02:11,020 --> 00:02:14,020
She needs it for college. If we
leave it to her, she'll do something
44
00:02:14,020 --> 00:02:16,020
ridiculous like modelling,
or something.
45
00:02:16,020 --> 00:02:19,092
Alia's already a model. A model
of a perfect Muslim daughter!
46
00:02:21,032 --> 00:02:23,000
You know what I mean.
47
00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:26,040
Chillax, sweetie.
It's all tickety-boo. All sorted.
48
00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:27,080
What is it? What's she doing?
49
00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:30,000
Is it something nice
and career-oriented?
50
00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:32,052
She's going be imam's assistant
at Marylebone mosque.
51
00:02:32,052 --> 00:02:34,000
She's going to London.
52
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:35,092
But that's not very career-oriented.
53
00:02:35,092 --> 00:02:40,012
It is, if you're going to be
Sparkhill's first-ever female imam!
54
00:02:40,012 --> 00:02:43,036
Imagine that - father of an imam.
55
00:02:43,036 --> 00:02:46,044
I might even get my own parking
space at the mosque!
56
00:02:46,044 --> 00:02:48,096
But she can't wander round
London by herself.
57
00:02:48,096 --> 00:02:50,016
She's not by herself.
58
00:02:50,016 --> 00:02:52,000
But who's she with?
59
00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:53,040
Your sister.
60
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:56,020
What! That makes it worse!
61
00:02:56,020 --> 00:02:58,032
You know what Noor is like.
62
00:02:58,032 --> 00:02:59,232
A water buffalo with lipstick?
63
00:03:02,036 --> 00:03:04,056
She's a terrible influence.
64
00:03:04,056 --> 00:03:05,080
She's not that bad.
65
00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:08,064
She's a vain,
selfish, money-grabbing nightmare.
66
00:03:08,064 --> 00:03:10,008
But apart from that...
67
00:03:11,060 --> 00:03:14,048
She marries men for their money
and then she spends it on clothes
68
00:03:14,048 --> 00:03:15,056
and plastic surgery.
69
00:03:15,056 --> 00:03:17,068
How many husbands has
she gone through now? Four.
70
00:03:17,068 --> 00:03:20,052
You know, if she's got loyalty card,
she gets the next one free.
71
00:03:22,032 --> 00:03:25,056
Just call Alia
and tell her to come back now.
72
00:03:25,056 --> 00:03:29,016
Sweetie, Alia is a good girl.
73
00:03:29,016 --> 00:03:30,036
You know, there comes a time
74
00:03:30,036 --> 00:03:33,024
when we have to trust our children
to do the right thing, hah?
75
00:03:33,024 --> 00:03:36,040
And, anyway, she'll be home later
and you'll see for yourself.
76
00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:38,040
If you say so. I do say so.
77
00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:41,000
Now stop worrying
and let's get you to work, hah?
78
00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:43,028
PHONE RINGS
79
00:03:44,076 --> 00:03:46,072
Hang on, that's my phone.
80
00:03:46,072 --> 00:03:48,092
RINGTONE:
# We will not let you go #
81
00:03:48,092 --> 00:03:51,092
Let him go
Bismillah! We will not let you go
82
00:03:51,092 --> 00:03:54,060
Let him go
Bismillah! We will not let you go
83
00:03:54,060 --> 00:03:57,084
Let him go
Bismillah! We will not let you go
84
00:03:57,084 --> 00:04:01,056
Bismillah! No, we will not
let you go...
85
00:04:02,076 --> 00:04:03,080
I'm coming.
86
00:04:05,016 --> 00:04:08,056
RINGTONE CONTINUES
87
00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:16,056
RINGTONE STOPS
88
00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:19,004
Oh! Oh!
89
00:04:23,016 --> 00:04:25,056
Honestly, Mr Khan,
if you were that desperate,
90
00:04:25,056 --> 00:04:27,012
you should have just knocked.
91
00:04:27,012 --> 00:04:28,088
Yes, thank you, Keith.
92
00:04:32,056 --> 00:04:35,088
Maybe I'll ask my manager if Alia
can do her work experience here.
93
00:04:35,088 --> 00:04:36,096
No, no, no.
94
00:04:36,096 --> 00:04:39,088
I'm not having Alia stacking shelves
with a bunch of losers.
95
00:04:42,088 --> 00:04:44,064
And you, my darling.
96
00:04:45,084 --> 00:04:47,064
Wait!
97
00:04:47,064 --> 00:04:49,020
I need your staff discount card.
98
00:04:49,020 --> 00:04:50,092
What for? I want to get a snack.
99
00:04:50,092 --> 00:04:52,036
But it's for my use only.
100
00:04:52,036 --> 00:04:56,060
Sweetie, I'm your husband.
What's yours is mine.
101
00:04:56,060 --> 00:04:59,068
I've been cooking
and cleaning all day long.
102
00:04:59,068 --> 00:05:01,064
I just need some me time.
103
00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:04,044
Hello, hello, hello!
104
00:05:04,044 --> 00:05:07,004
Hello, Brian.
105
00:05:07,004 --> 00:05:08,096
This is my husband, Mr Khan.
106
00:05:08,096 --> 00:05:10,044
Ah! We meet at last.
107
00:05:10,044 --> 00:05:14,036
Brian Halcox, store manager.
I'm your lovely wife's boss.
108
00:05:14,036 --> 00:05:15,088
Salaam alaikum.
109
00:05:17,044 --> 00:05:21,028
She's an angel, isn't she?
Absolute angel, Mrs Khan.
110
00:05:21,028 --> 00:05:23,036
I don't know how I'd
manage without her.
111
00:05:23,036 --> 00:05:24,040
She's all right.
112
00:05:26,004 --> 00:05:28,008
You're a very lucky man.
113
00:05:30,096 --> 00:05:33,048
Great head for business, too.
114
00:05:33,048 --> 00:05:37,052
We're running loss leaders on some
big ticket items at the moment.
115
00:05:37,052 --> 00:05:42,076
Anyway, Mrs K only goes
and suggests nappies!
116
00:05:42,076 --> 00:05:44,024
Genius!
117
00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:51,004
Baby-and-toddler turnover
is up 200% in a week.
118
00:05:51,004 --> 00:05:54,032
Mind you, we've had to limit it
to four per customer otherwise
119
00:05:54,032 --> 00:05:57,032
people would be taking them
away by the truckload.
120
00:05:57,032 --> 00:06:00,012
HE LAUGHS
121
00:06:00,012 --> 00:06:01,080
Anyway, I must be going.
122
00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:04,076
Brian says
I could be management material.
123
00:06:04,076 --> 00:06:05,084
Stupid Brian.
124
00:06:07,072 --> 00:06:09,020
See you later, then.
125
00:06:09,020 --> 00:06:12,004
Sweetie!
Aren't you forgetting something?
126
00:06:12,004 --> 00:06:14,036
Your staff card?
127
00:06:14,036 --> 00:06:18,052
I'm not supposed to. Brian is very
strict about these things.
128
00:06:18,052 --> 00:06:20,064
People have been taking advantage.
129
00:06:20,064 --> 00:06:23,044
You've got to trust me, darling.
It's like with Alia.
130
00:06:23,044 --> 00:06:26,060
We have to trust the people
we love. Isn't it?
131
00:06:26,060 --> 00:06:29,000
You're right. I'm sorry.
132
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:31,016
It's OK. I forgive you.
133
00:06:33,044 --> 00:06:35,076
Ha-ha! Mwah!
134
00:06:39,012 --> 00:06:42,012
Nappy days are here again
135
00:06:42,012 --> 00:06:44,080
Tum te tum te,
tum te tum...
136
00:06:58,008 --> 00:06:59,028
KNOCK ON DOOR
137
00:06:59,028 --> 00:07:00,032
Oh!
138
00:07:03,064 --> 00:07:05,060
Not another toilet break!
139
00:07:05,060 --> 00:07:08,000
No. I was just wondering...
140
00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:10,000
That's a lot of nappies
you've got there.
141
00:07:11,072 --> 00:07:15,052
So? Isn't it supposed to be only
four packs per customer?
142
00:07:15,052 --> 00:07:18,076
Per normal customer.
But I'm Mr Khan, community leader.
143
00:07:18,076 --> 00:07:21,032
They all know me.
And anyway, I got this. See?
144
00:07:22,044 --> 00:07:25,016
Why do you need all those nappies,
though?
145
00:07:25,016 --> 00:07:26,044
Is Shazia...?
146
00:07:26,044 --> 00:07:29,088
Of course not!
She's not even married yet!
147
00:07:29,088 --> 00:07:31,020
Not Mrs Khan?
148
00:07:31,020 --> 00:07:34,084
No. Not Mrs Khan.
God! What's wrong with you?
149
00:07:34,084 --> 00:07:37,024
Sorry. But why...
150
00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:40,076
Look, Keith. I'm a businessman.
I saw a business opportunity.
151
00:07:40,076 --> 00:07:43,056
If I want to do my business
in nappies, then I will.
152
00:07:43,056 --> 00:07:45,032
DOORBELL
153
00:07:50,056 --> 00:07:52,092
What do you want? Active fit
or super softies?
154
00:07:52,092 --> 00:07:54,004
I got them all.
155
00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:57,056
Tell your friends, eh?
156
00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:05,072
Dad! Oh, God!
157
00:08:08,092 --> 00:08:12,004
What? What is it?
I'm trying to tidy up in here!
158
00:08:12,004 --> 00:08:14,032
Amjad's got something to tell you!
159
00:08:14,032 --> 00:08:15,048
Tell him, budhoo!
160
00:08:15,048 --> 00:08:19,028
Oh, yeah. I've been on a detective
training course!
161
00:08:20,036 --> 00:08:21,088
He took an aptitude test
162
00:08:21,088 --> 00:08:24,052
and they said they'd never seen
results like it!
163
00:08:26,056 --> 00:08:29,012
I bet they haven't.
164
00:08:29,012 --> 00:08:31,068
You know, it's very interesting.
165
00:08:31,068 --> 00:08:33,076
They gave us
all the details of this murder case,
166
00:08:33,076 --> 00:08:36,032
where a woman's body was
found buried in a field
167
00:08:36,032 --> 00:08:37,352
and we had to work out whodunnit.
168
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:41,088
And? What?
169
00:08:41,088 --> 00:08:44,092
Who done it? I don't know.
I had to leave before the end.
170
00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:47,064
Brilliant.
171
00:08:47,064 --> 00:08:50,024
You know the key to being a good
detective is to keep your mind
172
00:08:50,024 --> 00:08:52,064
open to all possible explanations.
173
00:08:52,064 --> 00:08:55,044
In detective work, things aren't
always what they seem.
174
00:08:55,044 --> 00:08:57,052
Sounds like a load of rubbish to me!
175
00:08:57,052 --> 00:08:59,032
Or does it?
176
00:09:01,024 --> 00:09:04,024
Well, I think it's great.
You're so clever, budhoo.
177
00:09:04,024 --> 00:09:05,048
Or am I?
178
00:09:07,008 --> 00:09:08,052
DOORBELL
179
00:09:08,052 --> 00:09:10,048
I'll get it -
it'll be Auntie Noor with Alia.
180
00:09:10,048 --> 00:09:11,096
Or will it?
181
00:09:15,084 --> 00:09:17,068
Where are you going?
182
00:09:17,068 --> 00:09:21,048
I thought I heard the doorbell.
Will it be Auntie Noor?
183
00:09:21,048 --> 00:09:22,052
Yes, so?
184
00:09:26,064 --> 00:09:27,088
Oh, my God.
185
00:09:29,096 --> 00:09:33,036
I thought I'd just, er,
pop round and say hello.
186
00:09:34,084 --> 00:09:37,056
Trust me, Keith,
she's not your type.
187
00:09:37,056 --> 00:09:40,016
What are you going to do,
convert to Islam?
188
00:09:40,016 --> 00:09:43,028
Of course I'm not going
to convert!
189
00:09:43,028 --> 00:09:45,028
Well... unless she asked me to.
190
00:09:47,044 --> 00:09:49,040
You know,
now Alia is training to be an imam,
191
00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:51,032
maybe we could do
the conversion for you.
192
00:09:51,032 --> 00:09:53,080
Why don't we start
with snippy-snippy?
193
00:09:57,060 --> 00:10:00,020
EXCITED CHATTER
194
00:10:00,020 --> 00:10:02,052
Hello, sweetie!
195
00:10:02,052 --> 00:10:05,056
Oh, well! Hello, sweetie yourself!
196
00:10:07,032 --> 00:10:09,092
So, how was the mosque?
197
00:10:09,092 --> 00:10:12,096
We've had such an excellent day,
haven't we, Alia?
198
00:10:12,096 --> 00:10:14,016
Yeah. It was amazing.
199
00:10:14,016 --> 00:10:15,088
Yes, mosques are amazing.
200
00:10:15,088 --> 00:10:18,084
We hit the designer shops and then
we just kept on hitting them! Whoo!
201
00:10:18,084 --> 00:10:21,076
It was the best time I've ever had!
202
00:10:21,076 --> 00:10:24,048
Good, good. And what about the imam?
Did you mention my name?
203
00:10:24,048 --> 00:10:25,092
Am I going to get a parking space?
204
00:10:25,092 --> 00:10:29,000
Every shop we went into, they said
how incredible Alia looked.
205
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:32,008
And how she should be a model.
Even the imam?
206
00:10:32,008 --> 00:10:36,016
We didn't see the imam, you nitwit! What? We've
spent the whole day shopping for clothes!
207
00:10:36,016 --> 00:10:40,084
But what about your work experience?
This IS for her work experience.
208
00:10:40,084 --> 00:10:42,092
Shall we tell them? Tell us what?
209
00:10:42,092 --> 00:10:45,060
My friend's a booker
at an agency in New York.
210
00:10:45,060 --> 00:10:47,056
She wants Alia to come
out for a trial.
211
00:10:47,056 --> 00:10:49,072
And Auntie Noor's coming with me
as my chaperone!
212
00:10:49,072 --> 00:10:51,020
We fly out on Monday!
213
00:10:51,020 --> 00:10:53,068
BOTH: Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God!
214
00:10:55,004 --> 00:10:56,076
Oh, my God!
215
00:10:56,076 --> 00:10:58,024
Now hang on a second.
216
00:10:58,024 --> 00:11:02,080
You have such fabulous skin,
and what an amazing figure.
217
00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:05,088
She takes after me
at that age, of course.
218
00:11:05,088 --> 00:11:08,036
And this one - not so much.
219
00:11:09,092 --> 00:11:11,092
She's more like her mother.
220
00:11:11,092 --> 00:11:15,072
You know, in my younger days, your
mother was always in my shadow.
221
00:11:15,072 --> 00:11:18,052
Mostly because she's so short.
222
00:11:18,052 --> 00:11:21,064
I used to get all the boys.
I tried not to
223
00:11:21,064 --> 00:11:24,020
but they just wouldn't leave me
alone.
224
00:11:24,020 --> 00:11:26,080
They all wanted a piece of me.
225
00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:29,012
Well, there's plenty of you
to go around.
226
00:11:31,064 --> 00:11:35,012
Alia, sweetie, you can't be a model.
What about your exams?
227
00:11:35,012 --> 00:11:37,048
Don't need exams to be rich
and famous.
228
00:11:37,048 --> 00:11:41,068
Quite right. People like us
don't need boring exams and jobs.
229
00:11:41,068 --> 00:11:44,084
After all, we have Kim Kardashian.
230
00:11:45,096 --> 00:11:47,056
She's amazing.
231
00:11:47,056 --> 00:11:49,000
She IS amazing.
232
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:51,060
Who are they talking about?
233
00:11:51,060 --> 00:11:54,088
A stupid woman with a big bum.
234
00:11:54,088 --> 00:11:58,072
You stick with me, beti. I'll make
sure you become a celebrity!
235
00:11:58,072 --> 00:12:01,036
Hang on... Too late! But I...
It's all arranged.
236
00:12:01,036 --> 00:12:05,008
Now listen. I'm the head of this
household and if I... And chup!
237
00:12:05,008 --> 00:12:06,088
Chup?
238
00:12:06,088 --> 00:12:09,052
Alia, go and pack your bags.
239
00:12:09,052 --> 00:12:10,092
I'm going to grab a coffee.
240
00:12:10,092 --> 00:12:12,092
I don't suppose you have an
espresso machine.
241
00:12:19,016 --> 00:12:20,092
Are you going to say something?
242
00:12:20,092 --> 00:12:22,012
She chupped me!
243
00:12:24,008 --> 00:12:25,084
You need to talk to Alia.
244
00:12:25,084 --> 00:12:27,084
Yes, talk to Alia. Alia!
245
00:12:27,084 --> 00:12:29,096
This is not good.
This is not good!
246
00:12:29,096 --> 00:12:33,056
When Mum finds out, she's going to kill you.
When mum finds out, she's going to kill me!
247
00:12:33,056 --> 00:12:35,012
Oh, my God!
248
00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:38,048
She's going to kill me.
249
00:12:39,068 --> 00:12:41,052
This is all Auntie Noor's fault.
250
00:12:41,052 --> 00:12:44,040
What are you going to do, sir?
I'm going to kill HER.
251
00:12:49,016 --> 00:12:52,068
Now listen here,
Ellie Big Mac-pherson.
252
00:12:52,068 --> 00:12:55,052
I want you to stay away from Alia.
She's a good girl.
253
00:12:55,052 --> 00:12:57,064
You can't stop
her following her dreams.
254
00:12:57,064 --> 00:13:00,000
I could have had a glamorous
career in modelling.
255
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:01,036
Do you know what stopped me?
256
00:13:01,036 --> 00:13:03,024
Is it something to do with water
buffaloes?
257
00:13:04,044 --> 00:13:06,016
My father wouldn't allow it.
258
00:13:06,016 --> 00:13:10,012
I will not let you ruin Alia's life
the same way my father ruined mine.
259
00:13:10,012 --> 00:13:13,076
She's my daughter
and I'll ruin her life if I want to!
260
00:13:13,076 --> 00:13:16,048
I'm taking her to New York.
No, you're bloomin' not.
261
00:13:16,048 --> 00:13:18,068
I've already bought the tickets!
What!
262
00:13:18,068 --> 00:13:20,084
Hm! Hm!
263
00:13:23,016 --> 00:13:25,052
TEXT MESSAGE
264
00:13:27,020 --> 00:13:28,068
Don't go anywhere!
265
00:13:32,056 --> 00:13:35,020
There you go.
All top-quality merchandise.
266
00:13:36,028 --> 00:13:37,060
Thank you! Come again.
267
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:42,040
Right, where were we?
268
00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:43,080
If you try and stop Alia and me
269
00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:47,020
going to New York, I'll tell everyone
about your nappy scam. What?
270
00:13:47,020 --> 00:13:51,000
You're getting nappies from the supermarket
and then you're selling them at a profit.
271
00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:52,084
You are a nappy dealer.
272
00:13:55,028 --> 00:13:57,000
Don't be ridiculous.
273
00:13:58,028 --> 00:14:00,024
Oh, twadi!
274
00:14:02,048 --> 00:14:05,032
You know, I don't think my sister
would be very pleased
275
00:14:05,032 --> 00:14:07,032
if she found out what
you've been up to.
276
00:14:07,032 --> 00:14:09,096
But she won't find out, though.
Will she?
277
00:14:09,096 --> 00:14:12,092
I don't know. She might. How?
278
00:14:12,092 --> 00:14:15,044
Someone might tell her.
279
00:14:15,044 --> 00:14:17,016
Like who?
280
00:14:17,016 --> 00:14:18,024
Me.
281
00:14:20,004 --> 00:14:21,020
You wouldn't dare.
282
00:14:21,020 --> 00:14:23,072
Wouldn't I? You know, she called.
283
00:14:23,072 --> 00:14:26,004
She's on her way home right now.
284
00:14:26,004 --> 00:14:28,028
Oh! She'll be here in 15 minutes.
285
00:14:28,028 --> 00:14:31,032
But she... But you... And I...
286
00:14:31,032 --> 00:14:34,000
Oh. I've got to go and help
Alia pack.
287
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:38,000
I hear it gets quite chilly in New
York at this time of year. Brrr!
288
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,032
KNOCK ON DOOR
289
00:14:44,048 --> 00:14:46,096
Is now a good time to see
Auntie Noor? No!
290
00:14:50,028 --> 00:14:52,024
Hold on! Yes!
291
00:14:53,072 --> 00:14:55,048
Keith! Yes.
292
00:14:57,024 --> 00:14:58,088
You like Auntie Noor, don't you?
293
00:14:58,088 --> 00:15:02,032
Oh, yes. She's a fine-looking woman,
your sister-in-law.
294
00:15:02,032 --> 00:15:06,080
You should, er, ask her over to yours
for... tea or something.
295
00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:09,052
No. I couldn't do that.
296
00:15:09,052 --> 00:15:13,024
Yes, you could.
You could do it right now.
297
00:15:13,024 --> 00:15:16,036
No. She wouldn't look
twice at someone like me.
298
00:15:16,036 --> 00:15:17,080
That's rubbish.
299
00:15:18,092 --> 00:15:22,088
Don't put yourself down, Keith.
You're a very attractive man.
300
00:15:25,004 --> 00:15:28,052
Am I? Yes, of course! Look at you.
301
00:15:28,052 --> 00:15:30,060
Any woman would be lucky
to have you.
302
00:15:33,048 --> 00:15:38,040
I probably shouldn't tell you this,
but earlier on, Noor told me
303
00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:40,032
she thought you were a dreamboat.
304
00:15:43,024 --> 00:15:45,076
No! Yes!
305
00:15:45,076 --> 00:15:50,004
"Like a young Sean Connery",
that's what she said.
306
00:15:50,004 --> 00:15:53,088
Really? I've always thought of
myself more as a Roger Moore type.
307
00:15:55,004 --> 00:15:57,024
Oh, yes, that was it!
The Rajah Moores!
308
00:15:58,096 --> 00:16:01,044
I tell you what -
why don't you go home,
309
00:16:01,044 --> 00:16:05,016
put something on a bit more "007".
310
00:16:05,016 --> 00:16:07,060
I'll make up some excuse
to get her round to yours
311
00:16:07,060 --> 00:16:10,024
and you can get to know each other
better.
312
00:16:10,024 --> 00:16:14,092
That would be great!
Maybe I'll get my dickie bow out.
313
00:16:14,092 --> 00:16:16,032
Steady on.
314
00:16:17,036 --> 00:16:19,008
No, I meant my dinner jacket.
315
00:16:19,008 --> 00:16:22,092
Oh, right. Yes, go on.
Get on with it, eh? Bye-bye, 007.
316
00:16:27,056 --> 00:16:29,092
SHE SIGHS
317
00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:35,092
HE HUMS
318
00:16:40,064 --> 00:16:42,008
What do you want?
319
00:16:43,076 --> 00:16:44,080
Nothing.
320
00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:47,036
Have you seen... Keith?
321
00:16:48,032 --> 00:16:52,024
Who? You know. Keith, from next
door. About this tall.
322
00:16:52,024 --> 00:16:53,092
Looks like Rajah Moores?
323
00:16:53,092 --> 00:16:57,028
The man laying your patio?
That's him. No.
324
00:16:57,028 --> 00:17:00,008
Right. Good. Why?
Keith is a friend of mine
325
00:17:00,008 --> 00:17:02,056
and I don't want you
getting your claws into him.
326
00:17:02,056 --> 00:17:05,024
I assure you there is absolutely
no danger of that.
327
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:08,020
Don't play the innocent with me.
I know what you're like.
328
00:17:08,020 --> 00:17:11,012
A single man, lives on his own,
329
00:17:11,012 --> 00:17:14,044
sweet, kind... rich.
330
00:17:16,084 --> 00:17:18,076
Rich? Haan.
331
00:17:18,076 --> 00:17:20,080
The man next door's rich?
332
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:22,068
And sweet, and kind.
333
00:17:22,068 --> 00:17:25,080
Oh! The one laying your patio -
he's rich?
334
00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:31,044
There's a lot of money in patios.
Oh! How rich is he?
335
00:17:31,044 --> 00:17:35,020
I wouldn't know. He's not obsessed
with money, like some people.
336
00:17:35,020 --> 00:17:40,024
Only the other day he said to me,
"Mr Khan, you can't buy happiness.
337
00:17:40,024 --> 00:17:43,056
"Not even for a million pounds."
338
00:17:43,056 --> 00:17:46,020
SHE CHOKES
339
00:17:48,004 --> 00:17:50,032
I'm just going to see
a man about a patio.
340
00:17:51,048 --> 00:17:52,052
Bye-bye!
341
00:17:54,096 --> 00:17:56,044
Ah!
342
00:18:00,020 --> 00:18:02,036
Is New York anywhere near LA?
343
00:18:02,036 --> 00:18:04,020
Maybe I'll be a film star, too.
344
00:18:04,020 --> 00:18:06,092
Alia, what are you doing?
Put that away.
345
00:18:06,092 --> 00:18:10,052
Your mother's on her way home. What about
New York? You're not going to New York.
346
00:18:10,052 --> 00:18:12,056
Oh, what? I'm going to be a model.
347
00:18:12,056 --> 00:18:15,000
No, you're not. That's not fair.
348
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:18,000
We'll see what Auntie Noor
has to say about it.
349
00:18:19,016 --> 00:18:21,024
Where is she, anyway? Never mind.
350
00:18:21,024 --> 00:18:24,016
She was here a minute ago.
Then she just disappeared.
351
00:18:24,016 --> 00:18:27,016
Doesn't matter. Auntie Noor!
352
00:18:28,060 --> 00:18:30,072
You're wasting your breath.
353
00:18:30,072 --> 00:18:34,040
She must be here somewhere.
It's a mystery.
354
00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:36,032
Just forget about Auntie Noor!
355
00:18:36,032 --> 00:18:39,052
We don't need to worry
about her any more.
356
00:18:39,052 --> 00:18:42,008
And you just get on with
your studies.
357
00:18:42,008 --> 00:18:44,012
I'm back!
358
00:18:44,012 --> 00:18:46,024
Oh, hello, sweetie.
You're home early.
359
00:18:46,024 --> 00:18:47,036
Where's Alia?
360
00:18:47,036 --> 00:18:50,036
There she is. At home.
Doing her studies, like a good girl.
361
00:18:50,036 --> 00:18:51,084
Great. Brian.
362
00:18:51,084 --> 00:18:53,020
What?
363
00:18:53,020 --> 00:18:55,040
Hello, hello, hello.
364
00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:56,044
What's he doing here?
365
00:18:56,044 --> 00:18:59,024
Brian said he would consider
letting Alia do her work
366
00:18:59,024 --> 00:19:01,044
experience at the supermarket.
367
00:19:01,044 --> 00:19:04,048
What! Anything for my star worker.
368
00:19:04,048 --> 00:19:05,064
Here she is.
369
00:19:05,064 --> 00:19:08,084
Alia, take Brian into the kitchen.
You can interview her there.
370
00:19:08,084 --> 00:19:11,024
No! Not the kitchen! Why not?
371
00:19:11,024 --> 00:19:12,076
The floor's wet. Still?
372
00:19:12,076 --> 00:19:15,060
When I mop a floor, my darling,
it stays mopped.
373
00:19:15,060 --> 00:19:18,040
Why don't you
take a seat here, Brian.
374
00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:21,048
And I'll bring you a cup of tea.
Coffee, if you've got it!
375
00:19:21,048 --> 00:19:23,060
Of course! Stupid Brian.
376
00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:27,072
Oh, God! Hide the nappies!
377
00:19:27,072 --> 00:19:29,028
Hide the nappies!
378
00:19:39,024 --> 00:19:40,056
Oh!
379
00:19:42,032 --> 00:19:43,076
Oh, God!
380
00:19:47,052 --> 00:19:50,092
God, this is Mr Khan speaking.
381
00:19:52,092 --> 00:19:56,000
Community leader. They all know me.
Obviously, you know me.
382
00:19:57,056 --> 00:20:00,004
Now look, mate,
383
00:20:00,004 --> 00:20:01,076
if you get me out of this,
384
00:20:01,076 --> 00:20:05,040
I promise I'll never abuse my wife's
staff discount card again.
385
00:20:07,060 --> 00:20:09,084
And...
I'll go on a pilgrimage to Mecca.
386
00:20:09,084 --> 00:20:12,004
If all the cheap flights
haven't gone.
387
00:20:13,068 --> 00:20:16,032
And my credit card
doesn't get declined.
388
00:20:21,096 --> 00:20:23,084
WIND BLOWS
389
00:20:23,084 --> 00:20:25,016
Ooh!
390
00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:28,060
DIVINE MUSIC
391
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:30,024
The patio!
392
00:20:32,088 --> 00:20:35,004
Aaaaah! The patio!
393
00:20:38,008 --> 00:20:39,076
The patio!
394
00:20:42,036 --> 00:20:44,092
Auntie Noor?
395
00:20:44,092 --> 00:20:47,004
Auntie No-oor!
396
00:20:48,088 --> 00:20:50,036
Hello, sir. Amjad.
397
00:20:50,036 --> 00:20:52,040
LAUGHTER
398
00:20:56,064 --> 00:20:58,060
I was just looking for Auntie Noor.
399
00:20:58,060 --> 00:21:02,040
Auntie Noor. Ha! Well,
you won't be seeing her for a while!
400
00:21:05,044 --> 00:21:08,088
What's going on, sir?
Amjad, can I trust you?
401
00:21:08,088 --> 00:21:11,016
What do you mean?
402
00:21:11,016 --> 00:21:13,016
If I told you I'd done
something wrong,
403
00:21:13,016 --> 00:21:15,004
could I trust you to keep
it a secret?
404
00:21:16,020 --> 00:21:20,024
Have you done something wrong?
Yes, I have. Oh, no!
405
00:21:20,024 --> 00:21:22,068
I've done something very, very wrong.
406
00:21:22,068 --> 00:21:24,052
Oh, no, no, no!
407
00:21:24,052 --> 00:21:29,028
And I've buried the evidence under
the patio. Oh, no, no, no, no!
408
00:21:29,028 --> 00:21:31,076
Amjad, I need you to stay calm. OK!
409
00:21:34,028 --> 00:21:37,092
What you have to understand is that
when someone does a bad thing,
410
00:21:37,092 --> 00:21:40,032
sometimes they might have a good
reason for doing it.
411
00:21:40,032 --> 00:21:41,272
You understand that, don't you?
412
00:21:43,028 --> 00:21:46,032
So I need you to help me hide
the rest of the evidence. What?
413
00:21:46,032 --> 00:21:47,068
The rest of the evidence.
414
00:21:47,068 --> 00:21:49,064
I need you to help me hide it
under the patio.
415
00:21:49,064 --> 00:21:52,028
You mean there's more than one bit?
416
00:21:53,072 --> 00:21:55,016
Of course.
417
00:21:55,016 --> 00:21:56,068
Oh, no!
418
00:21:56,068 --> 00:21:58,008
DOORBELL
419
00:21:58,008 --> 00:22:01,084
Right, I'll go and keep them busy in
there. And you just get on with it.
420
00:22:08,092 --> 00:22:11,052
Ah! Here's your tea.
421
00:22:11,052 --> 00:22:12,096
He asked for coffee.
422
00:22:12,096 --> 00:22:15,016
Sorry to be a pain.
423
00:22:15,016 --> 00:22:16,076
No problem.
424
00:22:16,076 --> 00:22:17,096
Stupid Brian!
425
00:22:19,064 --> 00:22:23,032
Dad, there's a bunch of women at the
front door waving ten-pound notes
426
00:22:23,032 --> 00:22:25,052
and asking for packets of nappies.
427
00:22:25,052 --> 00:22:27,076
What?
428
00:22:27,076 --> 00:22:29,056
What are you all looking at me for?
429
00:22:30,088 --> 00:22:34,084
What have you done?
Nothing. I haven't done anything.
430
00:22:34,084 --> 00:22:36,084
Mr Khan's killed Auntie Noor!
431
00:22:36,084 --> 00:22:38,056
ALL: What?
432
00:22:38,056 --> 00:22:41,044
He's chopped her into pieces
and buried her under the patio!
433
00:22:41,044 --> 00:22:43,088
You've buried my sister
under the patio?
434
00:22:45,048 --> 00:22:48,032
Amjad! What the hell
are you talking about?
435
00:22:48,032 --> 00:22:52,068
I suppose my suspicions were first
aroused when Mr Khan said -
436
00:22:52,068 --> 00:22:57,028
and I quote -
"I'm going to kill her."
437
00:22:57,028 --> 00:22:58,088
Well, obviously I didn't mean it.
438
00:22:58,088 --> 00:23:00,084
Why would
I want to kill your sister?
439
00:23:00,084 --> 00:23:02,080
Apart from the obvious.
440
00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:05,092
She was going to take Alia
to New York to become a model.
441
00:23:05,092 --> 00:23:08,060
Sh! Don't listen to him.
Is this true?
442
00:23:08,060 --> 00:23:12,016
Yeah. Well, I don't know about the murdering
bit. There hasn't been any murdering!
443
00:23:12,016 --> 00:23:14,044
This is all a load of Columbo Jumbo!
444
00:23:17,004 --> 00:23:20,032
Well, what did you want me to help
you bury under the patio, then?
445
00:23:23,036 --> 00:23:25,044
I'd rather not say.
446
00:23:25,044 --> 00:23:30,024
Mr Khan, I'm arresting you
for the murder of... Auntie Noor.
447
00:23:30,024 --> 00:23:31,060
Amjad!
448
00:23:32,088 --> 00:23:35,064
You do not have to say anything...
Amjad!
449
00:23:35,064 --> 00:23:38,064
...but it may harm your defence if
you do not mention when questioned
450
00:23:38,064 --> 00:23:42,004
something which you
later rely on in... Nappies!
451
00:23:43,044 --> 00:23:46,052
Pardon?
That's what's buried under the patio.
452
00:23:46,052 --> 00:23:50,068
200 packets
of supermarket Super Softies.
453
00:23:50,068 --> 00:23:52,000
What!
454
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:53,060
Oh, dear.
455
00:23:53,060 --> 00:23:55,088
I used your staff discount
card to get them.
456
00:23:55,088 --> 00:23:57,056
Oh, dear, oh, dear!
457
00:23:57,056 --> 00:24:00,092
You buried Auntie Noor
under a load of nappies?
458
00:24:03,092 --> 00:24:07,060
For the last time,
I haven't killed Auntie Noor!
459
00:24:07,060 --> 00:24:09,000
Well, where is she, then?
460
00:24:10,056 --> 00:24:13,036
Well, that was a waste of time.
461
00:24:13,036 --> 00:24:14,060
ALL: Auntie Noor!
462
00:24:14,060 --> 00:24:16,096
That man's not rich.
I looked in his wallet.
463
00:24:16,096 --> 00:24:18,080
There's more plastic in my buttocks.
464
00:24:21,072 --> 00:24:24,020
Happy now, Miss Marples?
465
00:24:24,020 --> 00:24:26,036
How could you
abuse my trust like this?
466
00:24:28,028 --> 00:24:30,004
It hasn't been easy.
467
00:24:33,004 --> 00:24:35,024
Brian, I'm so sorry. I didn't know.
468
00:24:35,024 --> 00:24:38,056
Please, Mrs Khan - there's no
need for YOU to apologise.
469
00:24:38,056 --> 00:24:40,004
There you are, see.
470
00:24:40,004 --> 00:24:41,036
You, on the other hand...
471
00:24:41,036 --> 00:24:42,064
Me?
472
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:46,064
Hey!
473
00:24:46,064 --> 00:24:49,012
Perhaps you could give this
to a good cause.
474
00:24:49,012 --> 00:24:50,068
Our next staff outing?
475
00:24:50,068 --> 00:24:54,084
I don't suppose you'll consider
Alia's work experience now.
476
00:24:54,084 --> 00:24:57,064
Only if you promise me
she takes after her mother.
477
00:25:00,028 --> 00:25:03,056
But I don't want to
work in a stupid supermarket!
478
00:25:03,056 --> 00:25:06,024
I want to be a supermodel
in New York!
479
00:25:06,024 --> 00:25:07,064
You tell them, darling.
480
00:25:07,064 --> 00:25:09,040
YOU keep out of this.
481
00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:11,012
YOU will do as your told.
482
00:25:11,012 --> 00:25:14,052
And I am going to make Brian
his coffee.
483
00:25:16,016 --> 00:25:18,076
Oh, well. All's well that ends well.
484
00:25:20,068 --> 00:25:21,084
Everybody's happy.
485
00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:25,084
I'm not.
486
00:25:30,012 --> 00:25:33,000
All right, sweetie?
Don't you "all right, sweetie" me!
487
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:36,000
I leave you in charge for one day
and look what happens. Sorry.
488
00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:39,052
Alia is going to do the shelf
stacking and that's it, do you hear?
489
00:25:39,052 --> 00:25:42,080
I don't want to hear any more nonsense
about modelling and New York.
490
00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:44,088
Haan.
491
00:25:44,088 --> 00:25:46,092
Sweetie!
492
00:25:46,092 --> 00:25:51,036
Of course, shelf-stacking
can be good - look at you.
493
00:25:51,036 --> 00:25:54,084
It's helped you reach parts
you never thought you could.
494
00:25:56,056 --> 00:26:00,032
But about New York, shouldn't
we let Alia chase her dream,
495
00:26:00,032 --> 00:26:04,052
at least for a little while, even if
it comes to nothing in the end?
496
00:26:04,052 --> 00:26:07,092
I just don't want her to get hurt
when it all goes wrong.
497
00:26:07,092 --> 00:26:11,048
I know. But she's young.
498
00:26:11,048 --> 00:26:13,012
She'll bounce back.
499
00:26:14,024 --> 00:26:15,088
You think we should let her go?
500
00:26:15,088 --> 00:26:17,040
Do you?
501
00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:19,076
I don't know. Maybe?
502
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:23,024
You know, my darling,
503
00:26:23,024 --> 00:26:26,024
sometimes dreams come true.
504
00:26:26,024 --> 00:26:28,024
Mine did.
505
00:26:28,024 --> 00:26:31,068
What? You mean the one
where you're Superman
506
00:26:31,068 --> 00:26:34,080
and you're flying
around the Bullring?
507
00:26:34,080 --> 00:26:36,024
In your underpants?
508
00:26:36,024 --> 00:26:37,052
No, not that one.
509
00:26:40,032 --> 00:26:43,040
I used to dream that someday,
510
00:26:43,040 --> 00:26:45,072
I'd be living happily
511
00:26:45,072 --> 00:26:50,044
with a beautiful wife
and two beautiful children.
512
00:26:50,044 --> 00:26:51,088
And look at me now.
513
00:26:53,076 --> 00:26:55,044
We better go and tell Brian.
514
00:26:55,044 --> 00:26:56,068
Chalo.
515
00:27:00,096 --> 00:27:03,032
Brian. Mr Halcox.
516
00:27:03,032 --> 00:27:06,036
I'm sorry but we've had
a change of heart about Alia.
517
00:27:06,036 --> 00:27:08,096
It's OK, Mum. I'm going
to work for the supermarket.
518
00:27:08,096 --> 00:27:10,020
What?
519
00:27:10,020 --> 00:27:11,052
Brian says he'll give me a job.
520
00:27:11,052 --> 00:27:14,092
But what about your dreams
and New York, and...?
521
00:27:14,092 --> 00:27:16,092
Yeah, New York would be nice,
522
00:27:16,092 --> 00:27:19,064
but I thought it would be better
for me to stay in Sparkhill.
523
00:27:19,064 --> 00:27:21,032
Oh, thank God!
524
00:27:22,052 --> 00:27:24,084
So who is going to come with me
to New York?
525
00:27:25,096 --> 00:27:27,000
Not you.
526
00:27:29,044 --> 00:27:32,076
Well done, beti.
You made the right choice.
527
00:27:32,076 --> 00:27:36,004
I know stacking shelves
may not be very glamorous,
528
00:27:36,004 --> 00:27:39,092
but you will learn more from that
than any fancy-pancy modelling jobs.
529
00:27:39,092 --> 00:27:43,020
Yeah. I won't be stacking shelves,
though.
530
00:27:43,020 --> 00:27:47,024
What? Alia's got the perfect look
to be the face of our new range
531
00:27:47,024 --> 00:27:49,016
of fashion hijabs.
532
00:27:50,068 --> 00:27:52,060
Allah hu Akbar!
533
00:27:52,060 --> 00:27:56,036
I told you
she was a model Muslim daughter!
534
00:27:59,092 --> 00:28:02,060
LAUGHTER
535
00:28:02,110 --> 00:28:06,660
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