Original subtitles

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham. The capital of British Pakistan.

They all know me. Do you like my suit?

Number one. Citizen Khan.

I need a lift to work. I'm on the afternoon shift.

Hold your horses!

Kitchen's out of bounds. I'm mopping the floor.

No footprints, see?

You women make such a fuss of housework,

but if you did it properly, it's easy peasy.

Just mind you don't hurt yourself.

Chillax, sweetie. It's all under control... ooh!

See? Fine. But remember, you have to put the washing in.

Now I want it put in at 30 degrees.

Yes, yes. Why is the...

Stop! You can't come in here!

Why is the bathroom locked?

Ask you father. He's in charge of the house today.

Bathroom now only open between 7:00 and 8:30.

What? Why!

My house, my rules. Opens again at quarter past six.

But that's not for hours. Chup.

But... Chup. Dad! Chup!

Well, come on, then. I don't want to be late.

Sweetie!

Ah. That's got it.

Ah!

KNOCK ON DOOR

Ah!

Salman I like him, Mr Khan.

Keith, have you finished my patio yet?

Not quite.

You've been out there all week. What's the hold-up? Too many blooming tea-breaks, isn't it?

I was just wondering if I could use your loo.

No. Please. It's closed.

But I'm bursting.

Fine. But be quick.

Thanks! Oh, oh!

And make sure you sit down! I don't want any splashes!

Right, now I've made a list of the jobs that need doing.

There's no need. Remember to do the washing like I said.

Yes. And call the caterers for Shazia's wedding. Sweetie!

Oh, and we need to find work placement for Alia.

She needs it for college. If we leave it to her, she'll do something

ridiculous like modelling, or something.

Alia's already a model. A model of a perfect Muslim daughter!

You know what I mean.

Chillax, sweetie. It's all tickety-boo. All sorted.

What is it? What's she doing?

Is it something nice and career-oriented?

She's going be imam's assistant at Marylebone mosque.

She's going to London.

But that's not very career-oriented.

It is, if you're going to be Sparkhill's first-ever female imam!

Imagine that - father of an imam.

I might even get my own parking space at the mosque!

But she can't wander round London by herself.

She's not by herself.

But who's she with?

Your sister.

What! That makes it worse!

You know what Noor is like.

A water buffalo with lipstick?

She's a terrible influence.

She's not that bad.

She's a vain, selfish, money-grabbing nightmare.

But apart from that...

She marries men for their money and then she spends it on clothes

and plastic surgery.

How many husbands has she gone through now? Four.

You know, if she's got loyalty card, she gets the next one free.

Just call Alia and tell her to come back now.

Sweetie, Alia is a good girl.

You know, there comes a time

when we have to trust our children to do the right thing, hah?

And, anyway, she'll be home later and you'll see for yourself.

If you say so. I do say so.

Now stop worrying and let's get you to work, hah?

PHONE RINGS

Hang on, that's my phone.

RINGTONE: # We will not let you go #

Let him go Bismillah! We will not let you go

Let him go Bismillah! We will not let you go

Let him go Bismillah! We will not let you go

Bismillah! No, we will not let you go...

I'm coming.

RINGTONE CONTINUES

RINGTONE STOPS

Oh! Oh!

Honestly, Mr Khan, if you were that desperate,

you should have just knocked.

Yes, thank you, Keith.

Maybe I'll ask my manager if Alia can do her work experience here.

No, no, no.

I'm not having Alia stacking shelves with a bunch of losers.

And you, my darling.

Wait!

I need your staff discount card.

What for? I want to get a snack.

But it's for my use only.

Sweetie, I'm your husband. What's yours is mine.

I've been cooking and cleaning all day long.

I just need some me time.

Hello, hello, hello!

Hello, Brian.

This is my husband, Mr Khan.

Ah! We meet at last.

Brian Halcox, store manager. I'm your lovely wife's boss.

Salaam alaikum.

She's an angel, isn't she? Absolute angel, Mrs Khan.

I don't know how I'd manage without her.

She's all right.

You're a very lucky man.

Great head for business, too.

We're running loss leaders on some big ticket items at the moment.

Anyway, Mrs K only goes and suggests nappies!

Genius!

Baby-and-toddler turnover is up 200% in a week.

Mind you, we've had to limit it to four per customer otherwise

people would be taking them away by the truckload.

HE LAUGHS

Anyway, I must be going.

Brian says I could be management material.

Stupid Brian.

See you later, then.

Sweetie! Aren't you forgetting something?

Your staff card?

I'm not supposed to. Brian is very strict about these things.

People have been taking advantage.

You've got to trust me, darling. It's like with Alia.

We have to trust the people we love. Isn't it?

You're right. I'm sorry.

It's OK. I forgive you.

Ha-ha! Mwah!

Nappy days are here again

Tum te tum te, tum te tum...

KNOCK ON DOOR

Oh!

Not another toilet break!

No. I was just wondering...

That's a lot of nappies you've got there.

So? Isn't it supposed to be only four packs per customer?

Per normal customer. But I'm Mr Khan, community leader.

They all know me. And anyway, I got this. See?

Why do you need all those nappies, though?

Is Shazia...?

Of course not! She's not even married yet!

Not Mrs Khan?

No. Not Mrs Khan. God! What's wrong with you?

Sorry. But why...

Look, Keith. I'm a businessman. I saw a business opportunity.

If I want to do my business in nappies, then I will.

DOORBELL

What do you want? Active fit or super softies?

I got them all.

Tell your friends, eh?

Dad! Oh, God!

What? What is it? I'm trying to tidy up in here!

Amjad's got something to tell you!

Tell him, budhoo!

Oh, yeah. I've been on a detective training course!

He took an aptitude test

and they said they'd never seen results like it!

I bet they haven't.

You know, it's very interesting.

They gave us all the details of this murder case,

where a woman's body was found buried in a field

and we had to work out whodunnit.

And? What?

Who done it? I don't know. I had to leave before the end.

Brilliant.

You know the key to being a good detective is to keep your mind

open to all possible explanations.

In detective work, things aren't always what they seem.

Sounds like a load of rubbish to me!

Or does it?

Well, I think it's great. You're so clever, budhoo.

Or am I?

DOORBELL

I'll get it - it'll be Auntie Noor with Alia.

Or will it?

Where are you going?

I thought I heard the doorbell. Will it be Auntie Noor?

Yes, so?

Oh, my God.

I thought I'd just, er, pop round and say hello.

Trust me, Keith, she's not your type.

What are you going to do, convert to Islam?

Of course I'm not going to convert!

Well... unless she asked me to.

You know, now Alia is training to be an imam,

maybe we could do the conversion for you.

Why don't we start with snippy-snippy?

EXCITED CHATTER

Hello, sweetie!

Oh, well! Hello, sweetie yourself!

So, how was the mosque?

We've had such an excellent day, haven't we, Alia?

Yeah. It was amazing.

Yes, mosques are amazing.

We hit the designer shops and then we just kept on hitting them! Whoo!

It was the best time I've ever had!

Good, good. And what about the imam? Did you mention my name?

Am I going to get a parking space?

Every shop we went into, they said how incredible Alia looked.

And how she should be a model. Even the imam?

We didn't see the imam, you nitwit! What? We've spent the whole day shopping for clothes!

But what about your work experience? This IS for her work experience.

Shall we tell them? Tell us what?

My friend's a booker at an agency in New York.

She wants Alia to come out for a trial.

And Auntie Noor's coming with me as my chaperone!

We fly out on Monday!

BOTH: Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Now hang on a second.

You have such fabulous skin, and what an amazing figure.

She takes after me at that age, of course.

And this one - not so much.

She's more like her mother.

You know, in my younger days, your mother was always in my shadow.

Mostly because she's so short.

I used to get all the boys. I tried not to

but they just wouldn't leave me alone.

They all wanted a piece of me.

Well, there's plenty of you to go around.

Alia, sweetie, you can't be a model. What about your exams?

Don't need exams to be rich and famous.

Quite right. People like us don't need boring exams and jobs.

After all, we have Kim Kardashian.

She's amazing.

She IS amazing.

Who are they talking about?

A stupid woman with a big bum.

You stick with me, beti. I'll make sure you become a celebrity!

Hang on... Too late! But I... It's all arranged.

Now listen. I'm the head of this household and if I... And chup!

Chup?

Alia, go and pack your bags.

I'm going to grab a coffee.

I don't suppose you have an espresso machine.

Are you going to say something?

She chupped me!

You need to talk to Alia.

Yes, talk to Alia. Alia!

This is not good. This is not good!

When Mum finds out, she's going to kill you. When mum finds out, she's going to kill me!

Oh, my God!

She's going to kill me.

This is all Auntie Noor's fault.

What are you going to do, sir? I'm going to kill HER.

Now listen here, Ellie Big Mac-pherson.

I want you to stay away from Alia. She's a good girl.

You can't stop her following her dreams.

I could have had a glamorous career in modelling.

Do you know what stopped me?

Is it something to do with water buffaloes?

My father wouldn't allow it.

I will not let you ruin Alia's life the same way my father ruined mine.

She's my daughter and I'll ruin her life if I want to!

I'm taking her to New York. No, you're bloomin' not.

I've already bought the tickets! What!

Hm! Hm!

TEXT MESSAGE

Don't go anywhere!

There you go. All top-quality merchandise.

Thank you! Come again.

Right, where were we?

If you try and stop Alia and me

going to New York, I'll tell everyone about your nappy scam. What?

You're getting nappies from the supermarket and then you're selling them at a profit.

You are a nappy dealer.

Don't be ridiculous.

Oh, twadi!

You know, I don't think my sister would be very pleased

if she found out what you've been up to.

But she won't find out, though. Will she?

I don't know. She might. How?

Someone might tell her.

Like who?

Me.

You wouldn't dare.

Wouldn't I? You know, she called.

She's on her way home right now.

Oh! She'll be here in 15 minutes.

But she... But you... And I...

Oh. I've got to go and help Alia pack.

I hear it gets quite chilly in New York at this time of year. Brrr!

KNOCK ON DOOR

Is now a good time to see Auntie Noor? No!

Hold on! Yes!

Keith! Yes.

You like Auntie Noor, don't you?

Oh, yes. She's a fine-looking woman, your sister-in-law.

You should, er, ask her over to yours for... tea or something.

No. I couldn't do that.

Yes, you could. You could do it right now.

No. She wouldn't look twice at someone like me.

That's rubbish.

Don't put yourself down, Keith. You're a very attractive man.

Am I? Yes, of course! Look at you.

Any woman would be lucky to have you.

I probably shouldn't tell you this, but earlier on, Noor told me

she thought you were a dreamboat.

No! Yes!

"Like a young Sean Connery", that's what she said.

Really? I've always thought of myself more as a Roger Moore type.

Oh, yes, that was it! The Rajah Moores!

I tell you what - why don't you go home,

put something on a bit more "007".

I'll make up some excuse to get her round to yours

and you can get to know each other better.

That would be great! Maybe I'll get my dickie bow out.

Steady on.

No, I meant my dinner jacket.

Oh, right. Yes, go on. Get on with it, eh? Bye-bye, 007.

SHE SIGHS

HE HUMS

What do you want?

Nothing.

Have you seen... Keith?

Who? You know. Keith, from next door. About this tall.

Looks like Rajah Moores?

The man laying your patio? That's him. No.

Right. Good. Why? Keith is a friend of mine

and I don't want you getting your claws into him.

I assure you there is absolutely no danger of that.

Don't play the innocent with me. I know what you're like.

A single man, lives on his own,

sweet, kind... rich.

Rich? Haan.

The man next door's rich?

And sweet, and kind.

Oh! The one laying your patio - he's rich?

There's a lot of money in patios. Oh! How rich is he?

I wouldn't know. He's not obsessed with money, like some people.

Only the other day he said to me, "Mr Khan, you can't buy happiness.

"Not even for a million pounds."

SHE CHOKES

I'm just going to see a man about a patio.

Bye-bye!

Ah!

Is New York anywhere near LA?

Maybe I'll be a film star, too.

Alia, what are you doing? Put that away.

Your mother's on her way home. What about New York? You're not going to New York.

Oh, what? I'm going to be a model.

No, you're not. That's not fair.

We'll see what Auntie Noor has to say about it.

Where is she, anyway? Never mind.

She was here a minute ago. Then she just disappeared.

Doesn't matter. Auntie Noor!

You're wasting your breath.

She must be here somewhere. It's a mystery.

Just forget about Auntie Noor!

We don't need to worry about her any more.

And you just get on with your studies.

I'm back!

Oh, hello, sweetie. You're home early.

Where's Alia?

There she is. At home. Doing her studies, like a good girl.

Great. Brian.

What?

Hello, hello, hello.

What's he doing here?

Brian said he would consider letting Alia do her work

experience at the supermarket.

What! Anything for my star worker.

Here she is.

Alia, take Brian into the kitchen. You can interview her there.

No! Not the kitchen! Why not?

The floor's wet. Still?

When I mop a floor, my darling, it stays mopped.

Why don't you take a seat here, Brian.

And I'll bring you a cup of tea. Coffee, if you've got it!

Of course! Stupid Brian.

Oh, God! Hide the nappies!

Hide the nappies!

Oh!

Oh, God!

God, this is Mr Khan speaking.

Community leader. They all know me. Obviously, you know me.

Now look, mate,

if you get me out of this,

I promise I'll never abuse my wife's staff discount card again.

And... I'll go on a pilgrimage to Mecca.

If all the cheap flights haven't gone.

And my credit card doesn't get declined.

WIND BLOWS

Ooh!

DIVINE MUSIC

The patio!

Aaaaah! The patio!

The patio!

Auntie Noor?

Auntie No-oor!

Hello, sir. Amjad.

LAUGHTER

I was just looking for Auntie Noor.

Auntie Noor. Ha! Well, you won't be seeing her for a while!

What's going on, sir? Amjad, can I trust you?

What do you mean?

If I told you I'd done something wrong,

could I trust you to keep it a secret?

Have you done something wrong? Yes, I have. Oh, no!

I've done something very, very wrong.

Oh, no, no, no!

And I've buried the evidence under the patio. Oh, no, no, no, no!

Amjad, I need you to stay calm. OK!

What you have to understand is that when someone does a bad thing,

sometimes they might have a good reason for doing it.

You understand that, don't you?

So I need you to help me hide the rest of the evidence. What?

The rest of the evidence.

I need you to help me hide it under the patio.

You mean there's more than one bit?

Of course.

Oh, no!

DOORBELL

Right, I'll go and keep them busy in there. And you just get on with it.

Ah! Here's your tea.

He asked for coffee.

Sorry to be a pain.

No problem.

Stupid Brian!

Dad, there's a bunch of women at the front door waving ten-pound notes

and asking for packets of nappies.

What?

What are you all looking at me for?

What have you done? Nothing. I haven't done anything.

Mr Khan's killed Auntie Noor!

ALL: What?

He's chopped her into pieces and buried her under the patio!

You've buried my sister under the patio?

Amjad! What the hell are you talking about?

I suppose my suspicions were first aroused when Mr Khan said -

and I quote - "I'm going to kill her."

Well, obviously I didn't mean it.

Why would I want to kill your sister?

Apart from the obvious.

She was going to take Alia to New York to become a model.

Sh! Don't listen to him. Is this true?

Yeah. Well, I don't know about the murdering bit. There hasn't been any murdering!

This is all a load of Columbo Jumbo!

Well, what did you want me to help you bury under the patio, then?

I'd rather not say.

Mr Khan, I'm arresting you for the murder of... Auntie Noor.

Amjad!

You do not have to say anything... Amjad!

...but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned

something which you later rely on in... Nappies!

Pardon? That's what's buried under the patio.

200 packets of supermarket Super Softies.

What!

Oh, dear.

I used your staff discount card to get them.

Oh, dear, oh, dear!

You buried Auntie Noor under a load of nappies?

For the last time, I haven't killed Auntie Noor!

Well, where is she, then?

Well, that was a waste of time.

ALL: Auntie Noor!

That man's not rich. I looked in his wallet.

There's more plastic in my buttocks.

Happy now, Miss Marples?

How could you abuse my trust like this?

It hasn't been easy.

Brian, I'm so sorry. I didn't know.

Please, Mrs Khan - there's no need for YOU to apologise.

There you are, see.

You, on the other hand...

Me?

Hey!

Perhaps you could give this to a good cause.

Our next staff outing?

I don't suppose you'll consider Alia's work experience now.

Only if you promise me she takes after her mother.

But I don't want to work in a stupid supermarket!

I want to be a supermodel in New York!

You tell them, darling.

YOU keep out of this.

YOU will do as your told.

And I am going to make Brian his coffee.

Oh, well. All's well that ends well.

Everybody's happy.

I'm not.

All right, sweetie? Don't you "all right, sweetie" me!

I leave you in charge for one day and look what happens. Sorry.

Alia is going to do the shelf stacking and that's it, do you hear?

I don't want to hear any more nonsense about modelling and New York.

Haan.

Sweetie!

Of course, shelf-stacking can be good - look at you.

It's helped you reach parts you never thought you could.

But about New York, shouldn't we let Alia chase her dream,

at least for a little while, even if it comes to nothing in the end?

I just don't want her to get hurt when it all goes wrong.

I know. But she's young.

She'll bounce back.

You think we should let her go?

Do you?

I don't know. Maybe?

You know, my darling,

sometimes dreams come true.

Mine did.

What? You mean the one where you're Superman

and you're flying around the Bullring?

In your underpants?

No, not that one.

I used to dream that someday,

I'd be living happily

with a beautiful wife and two beautiful children.

And look at me now.

We better go and tell Brian.

Chalo.

Brian. Mr Halcox.

I'm sorry but we've had a change of heart about Alia.

It's OK, Mum. I'm going to work for the supermarket.

What?

Brian says he'll give me a job.

But what about your dreams and New York, and...?

Yeah, New York would be nice,

but I thought it would be better for me to stay in Sparkhill.

Oh, thank God!

So who is going to come with me to New York?

Not you.

Well done, beti. You made the right choice.

I know stacking shelves may not be very glamorous,

but you will learn more from that than any fancy-pancy modelling jobs.

Yeah. I won't be stacking shelves, though.

What? Alia's got the perfect look to be the face of our new range

of fashion hijabs.

Allah hu Akbar!

I told you she was a model Muslim daughter!

LAUGHTER

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