All language subtitles for Catastrophe s02e02.eng

Get them to cut it out of me, Rob.

Caesarean me, please. It's not too late.

- It's too late. You're crowning.
- Push it back in and cut it out.

Three people who live in
this house wear nappies.

- I'm one of them.
- You haven't bonded with the baby?

- No.
- Do you think you might have a little

postnatal depression?

Rob, do you think it's about
time for me to pop to IKEA?

So you are finding your
current circumstances difficult?

Yeah.

No.

I mean, they're not,

they're not difficult on paper.

I hate them but there are
people all over the world

who have it tougher than
me. You know, like...

I mean, I can't think of anyone now but,

I don't know, Greek people.

And your husband? Are you
able to tell him how you feel?

Yeah, well, you know, I,
I, I tell him but he's,

he's tired.

He works a lot and we've got
two kids under the age of three.

I'd say he thinks about

the kids, then work, then sleep.

And then me or taking a shit.

I probably feature in his
thoughts right after the toilet

and just before a book about Hitler.

Oh, he likes to read about World War II.

He's not a bad person. He's...

Just imagine a nice
enough guy taking a shit

and reading about Hitler
and that's my husband.

OK.

And you said there's no suicidal ideation?

No.

I mean, I do think about dying but in

a kind of abstract way.

You know, like, sometimes
I imagine a meteor

hitting the house and
killing me and the kids.

What about your husband?

I don't know. If he's home.

I don't care.

So, I thought maybe some pills?

- Hey, how was that?
- It was good.

It was fine.

It was good that you didn't
come in with me, though,

cos I was really able to rip into you.

Well, that's great, honey.

Did you get it all out or
will I still get to listen

to your nightly screed at 11.15pm?

Well, that depends on you, cowboy.

Oh, did she prescribe
that you let me fuck you

for the first time since February?

No, but she prescribed me some pills

that she said could make
me more receptive to sex but

less able to enjoy it.

Was that a riddle?

Are you really just pissing?
Because I can smell McDonald's.

One taxi driver-sized dump all changed.

- What time are you back?
- Six or seven.

- Probably seven. How are you feeling?
- Yeah, pretty good.

You know, kind of even.

Like borderline nothing but in a good way.

- What are you doing today?
- Baby drums and then Mummy and Me.

God, I hate them saying that.

And then probably go and
get a coffee with Sam.

Talk about the other mums in the group.

Sam calls them "mombies".

You know, like, zombies?

- That's great, honey.
- I know.

Trying not to travel around with
my little haemorrhoid cushion

but sitting on this
cold floor is like, "Ow."

- I had a C section.
- Oh, cool.

Have you seen the mum with
the big brown eyes? Sam?

- She usually sits with me. Samantha... ?
- No, sorry.

Maybe she quit because she got
tired of looking at her camel toe.

I hate myself.

INAUDIBLE CHAT

Want to come and see these mums? No.

What's going on with you crazy bitches?

We were just seeing if we could get

- a group together to see Paloma Faith.
- Ah, Paloma Faith.

I'm more of a Taylor Swift girl.

- I love Taylor Swift.
- I'm kidding. She makes me barf.

My husband likes Paloma Faith.

- Ah.
- He thinks she looks dirty.

Not dirty, like, she doesn't wash.

He just thinks she looks
like she'd be up for,

you know, whatever?

SHARON LAUGHS

Where's Sam? She's
normally hear on a Tuesday.

- Was she here last week?
- Samantha? She's gone back to work, I think.

- She what?
- I think she said, last week,

she was going back to work.

Well, you think or she said? Which is it?

I'm pretty sure she said.

Right. Right.

Paloma Faith.

Be funny to say that after someone sneezes.

Achoo. Paloma Faith.

"Thank you."

We should start that.

PHONE RINGS

856965.

Hey, is Mallandra there?

- Who?
- Mallandra. Your wife.

Yeah, I know who she is. Why the
fuck do you want to talk to her?

- I want to talk to a mother.
- Talk to me. I'm your brother.

I want to talk to a woman who's
been afflicted with child by a man.

No. I don't want you getting her all
worked up. She's happy with her lot.

What are you? Her fucking
gatekeeper? Put on the phone.

- She's not here.
- Oh, you are so annoying.

Listen, while I have you,

we need to talk about what
you're going to do about Dad

- because I don't have time this month.
- Boooooop.

Fuck off.

Dickhead.

- Hi.
- Hey, Fran. Sorry, I...

Can't talk now. Chris is leaving.

- He what?
- It's fine. It's just temporary.

- It's not temporary.
- Let's catch up soon.

Well, erm, OK.

DOOR SLAMS

- No, we're renaming it...
- KNOCK ON DOOR

..and it's going to be an
oval pill instead of round

and it's a completely different package

so now we can market it to cancer people.

Patients.

What? No. I don't golf.

All right. Take it easy, Ken.

Jesus! Do women get asked
to golf all the time?

We get asked to mentor Indian
guys' daughters a lot...

- At least that makes sense...
- Which is interesting because I'm Iranian.

Right. Of course.

Rob, I wanted to introduce Olivia Vasseur.

Olivia has been in our Paris
office but is moving to London

and will be running international
research initiatives for us.

- Hello.
- Rob Norris.

- I try to make people buy drugs.
- He's being falsely modest.

I hired Rob to clean up
a PR mess a few years ago

and I've yet to meet a drug
since that he can't sell.

Heroin, maybe?

- You'll have to carry a gun.
- Yeah.

I don't want to carry a gun.

They're really heavy and I travel light.

You ever fired a gun?

I don't know why I'm asking you that.

Yes, I'm good at selling drugs
and I'm glad you work here now.

Me, too.

I haven't seen you wear
that shirt to work before.

- This shirt?
- Huh.

Isn't it more of an evening shirt?

I guess it's a little dangerous.

- Does it look stupid?
- No, it's cute.

And, you know, if you fancy it,

you can always nip out and play
a little snooker at lunchtime.

SHARON SIGHS

- I think I'm going to stop producing milk.
- Why?

Because.

- I can't smoke pot any more.
- You don't smoke pot.

Well, I want to start.

I've been thinking about it
and I want to start smoking pot.

I think it will help me chill out.

- Just meditate or something.
- Fuck off.

OK. Maybe you should smoke pot.

I would like the option of
being more than 15 feet away

from Muireann for more than 15 minutes.

Have you seen the way she looks at me now?

I'm just a giant tit to her.

Also, have you seen my nipples recently?

They're not pink any
more. They're not even red.

- They're black.
- They aren't black.

OK, they're brown.

Who cares?

The baby still wants to suck them.

I still want to suck them.

- We don't care what colour they are.
- I care.

Hey. Have you seen my balls lately?

- I don't look at them.
- You shouldn't have to.

May I?

Go for it.

I just, I want to have a little look

and then in a platonic, medical way

see what they taste like.

- I haven't had a wash.
- Good.

You smell like onions.

OK. I guess I'll go suck
some tits on the bus, then.

Russian ones.

Bye(!).

Sam. Sam.

- Hi.
- Hello.

- Sorry, it fell on... How are you?
- I'm good.

I'm great. What's going on?
I heard you're back at work.

Yeah, yeah, I went back to work this week.

The company have a nursery on site.

They actually encourage
you to bring your babies.

Oh, that's nice for you.

- Yeah.
- God, is it good to see you?

I was at Mummy and Me and
I was like, "Where is she?

"Where is my Mummy and Me besty?"

I had to hang out with the mombies.

Oh, no. Not the mombies.

God. I couldn't go back there.

I think maybe I didn't fit in
cos I haven't had a lobotomy.

Yeah, no. I haven't either. Had a lobotomy.

You were the only normal one there.

Thank you.

I remembered you saying that used
to work in Spitalfields, so...

I mean not that that's why I, you know...

I was shopping. I bought a book.

Ah, yes. I've heard this
is supposed to be great.

- I should read this.
- Yeah, just have it. Just take it.

You're funny. I should
be getting back but, here,

- give me your number. I'll give you a call.
- OK. Great.

No, I was going to say
that we should do that.

We should just go for
a beer or some wine or,

- you know, a cocktail something.
- Yeah, no, definitely.

I don't seem to have the same
support network I had when,

you know, when I had Frankie.
A lot of the mums I met then,

they went back to work.

We immediately got me pregnant again since

all we do is get me pregnant.

What are we, farmers?

What were we thinking?

God, it's good to talk.

- Well, look, I'll give you a call.
- Yeah, call me now.

- So your number comes up.
- Yeah, OK.

- PHONE RINGS
- There we go.

What are you doing tomorrow night?

What are you doing?

Hello, Rob.

It's a good sandwich?

Yeah. Sort of...

And another sandwich for when
you finish your first sandwich.

- Yup.
- You're a growing boy.

See you later, Peppa.

Pepper?

- The children's pig.
- Oh.

Wow, your dick feels
really good against my back

because the tip of it's wet.

- Is the tip of your pussy wet?
- No.

Well, I don't even have to put it in.

I can just pop it between your thighs

- and then if you get turned on, then...
- I'm not gonna get turned on?

You can't predict the future.

Why do you even want to have sex with me?

I wouldn't want to have
sex with me. I'm just a

cow in a dressing down.

You're so much hotter than a cow.

Oh, God. OK, you can

do it between my thighs but just

come on your own stomach.

You drive a hard bargain,

but I agree to your terms.

Damn, Jordan.

- I'm passionate about sports.
- Me, too.

Maybe we should cycle

or power lift together.

Yeah.

Erm,

- how's it going here? Are you settling in OK?
- Yeah.

Whatever.

Although a lot of people
who work here are idiots.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm an idiot but

I kind of wound up working here by mistake.

But some mistakes are happy.

_

That's so sweet.

You speak French like a little German boy.

Well, I'm going to go be
an idiot back in my office.

- I'll see you later.
- OK.

Ciao, idiot.

Hey, Giles.

ZIPPER UNZIPS

Fucking Christ.

I think being a stay-at-home is not for me.

You know, I just... I feel like a prisoner.

I'm seeing a therapist now, so
it'll be fine... I've got pills!

But... I feel numb now! But in a good way.

- Sounds nice.
- Mmm.

And I'm more open to
the idea of sex with Rob.

Remember we were talking
about that? And baby drums?

- Oh, my God! Baby drums, kill me!
- Yeah!

What about you and your husband?

- What, you mean sex?
- Yeah.

Um...

- It's just back to how it was.
- Back to how it was before?

SHE SNORTS

Because in the beginning,
Rob and I were like...

We were like teenagers.

We did stuff I haven't even seen online
and then it was like a lesbian deathbed.

We had sex the other night
for the first time in...

two-and-a-half months.
It wasn't even full sex,

it was more like sort of...
frottage... Do you want another drink?

Do you know what, I should probably...

- I've got meet my cousin.
- Aw!

OK, well, look, do you want to
get something proper in the diary?

My husband's company have...

Well, the employees
have access to this villa

in Cornwall and they have a
Jacuzzi and a kitchen garden.

- There's a Jacuzzi!
- THEY LAUGH

So maybe get our families together
and have a long weekend there?

- Maybe Easter weekend?
- Well, I'd need to check with Alan first, but...

Yeah. Let me get my drink.

No, don't be silly! I'll
get it. You get the next one.

In Cornwall! Check with Alan.

- Let me know what he says.
- OK. All right.

You fucking pervert!

Always acting all holier-than-thou
and now you're a toilet fucker!

I am not, I don't fuck the toilet.

- Would you come INTO the toilet?
- Yeah.

You're a toilet fucker!

OK, well then, you can
see why I need a meeting.

Well, I go every day, so just
let me know, I'll go with you.

You know, meetings can
really offer a framework...

Don't fucking "offer a framework" me!

You've been sober for half an hour!

Dude, I've been sober for three months,

for the first time since I was 12.

- No, I'm sorry. That's great...
- Plus, I've had the good luck

to scoop up a tasty piece of ass

that belongs to a lovely sober lady

that I may be falling in love with.

- What?
- Catherine.

She is like a beacon
of health and recovery.

Plus she did a lot of disgusting
things before she got sober.

OK, well... She owns a fucking
hedge fund, but eight years ago,

she was a hooker in Marrakech.

How fucking great is that?

I mean, not for her, then, it was terrible,

- but for me, now!
- Dave, listen...

You are like a delicate flower right now...

- Aw, thanks man!
- ... and you need to be in a

greenhouse where you can
get your shit together

for a little while before
you jump into anything.

OK, well, I'll take that on board.

Toilet fucker! HE LAUGHS

HE GASPS

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

(SHE SIGHS) Hiya!

Hey! Are you...

- Didn't we say 1pm?
- PHONE: Oh, God.

Sorry, I thought it
was a loose arrangement,

- I had lunch here.
- Oh!

OK. Well...

Should I pop over anyway?
I mean I'm in Spitalfields.

Oh, no, no. Sorry, I have a tonne of work.

- Sorry, I feel bad.
- No, don't worry. I'll just...

Are you still on for that
dance thing tomorrow night?

Yeah. Er, Let me check with
Alan, but it should be fine.

OK, great. Well, I'll
see you then, my friend.

A... actually, hang on, wait.

I'm... I'm not going to
make it tomorrow night.

OK, well...

- Do you want me to try for Friday?
- No, I'm not going to make it any night, really.

OK.

Look, to be honest, I
just have too much going on

and I don't have time for
people in my life who...

Who what?

Who need things.

- Is this about the smell?
- What?

- It doesn't matter...
- You said you're in therapy.

Keep going to that.

Go back to Mummy And Me.

Those mums really aren't as
bad as you make them out to be,

they're just... mums! Like you!

But not like you?

Oh, OK. Um...

- Fine, well, thanks for the advice.
- You are so welcome.

Oh, did you ask Alan about Cornwall?

- What?
- I'm kidding, fuck off!

KNOCKING ON DOOR

I have a question about the
patents on the new synthetic.

Ooh, er... I have no idea,
that's not really my, er...

- You know, I think...
- I'm just fucking with you.

Oh! Right.

I just thought it would be funny to pretend

I came here to talk about work.

Er... Um, OK.

W... why did you come in... here?

I notice you look at me sometimes.

Oh... W... Yes... I...

I have looked at you, um, but...

I was curious if you'd like
to look at me someplace else?

Like my flat.

Or maybe a hotel room?

- O... oh, you mean like... ?
- Yeah, I mean like... ?

Well... Listen, I mean,
you know I'm married, right?

I know you know I'm married
and you know I have kids

with the woman I'm married to?

I don't want to interfere
with your marriage!

I just thought...

Well, I saw you switch the big
bottle in the water cooler yesterday

and it might as well have been a
pillow, you make it look so light.

And I thought to myself,

"I would like to suck his
cock until he passes out."

If that's OK with you?

Um...

I can't work here any more.

Lisa, can you step out, please?

I... I'm quitting. I mean, it isn't safe.

I'm a human being! I mean, I can't
have a beautiful woman... I mean,

what the fuck is she? A model?

I mean she's like better
looking than a model,

she's got curves and... Anyway!
Fuck this nonsense. I'm out of here.

Thank you for all that you've done for
me, but I'd like to hand in my notice.

I don't accept your resignation.

Well, you don't have
to accept it, because...

I asked Lisa to step
out when it seemed like

you were going to say something stupid.

So, right now, only you and I
know you're having some kind of

sexual meltdown? Let's keep it that way.

You do good work here, I want you to stay.

- We'll just pay you more.
- Yeah, I don't want more money.

I can do 18,000 more a year.

Are you serious?

I don't think I have a
reputation as the office comedian.

BABY GURGLES HAPPILY

I bonded with Muireann today.

I was so relieved, I opened
up the bottle of champagne,

- that was at the back of the tins cupboard.
- That's great.

Oh, my God, she's so
fucking smart, that baby.

I mean Frankie's smart, but he's not...

You know, he's not Muireann-Smart.

I feel so bad that I thought for
a second that I didn't love her.

And now I'm like, percolating for her!

Ha!

- What's the matter with you?
- Er, nothing.

I got a raise.

That's amazing!

Oh, did you have to blow Harita?

I got dumped today.

By my mum friend, Samantha.

She doesn't want to see me any more.

I couldn't even hang on to a "mum friend".

And it's not like she's all
THAT, it's not like she's Beyonce.

She said I should go and hang out with the
"mombies" and you know what, she's right.

Every single one of those mums is
probably more interesting than me.

SOUND FROM TELEVISION

- Rob.
- What?

What I just said!

Are you not going to say
anything, do you not care?

Right now, I don't know that I do care.

About that. I mean...

we've got two kids under the age of three.

My job is a nightmare

and those things use up all my... daily

care units.

So sometimes, when you need
attention at the end of the day,

I've got nothing left for you!

And I know that's not
fair, but what do I do?

You dig deep and you
scrounge something up for me!

- Don't be lazy.
- What do you want me to say?

- Say she sounds like a bitch!
- She does sound like a bitch!

I'll kill her for you! Do you
know how happy THAT would make me?

- I've got plenty of hate units left!
- SHE LAUGHS

You can't kill her, she's got kids.

I'll kill them too! Are
you upset with her or not?

Don't you know how to feud?

You're supposed to wipe out the bloodline!

How're you going to kill her?

Well...

First, I will hit her with my car.

And then if that doesn't work,

I'll fucking strangle her.

Would that turn her on?

Ow, ow, ow,

ow, ow,

- ow...
- Can you not...

Do you have to say "ow" every time?

Yeah, it hurts.

- I say "ow" when things hurt.
- Do you want me to stop?

No.

OK.

- Is that better?
- Yeah, that side's fine.

Just hit the left side.

Ow, the left side. My left!

- HE MOANS
- My left! Ow...

BABY CRIES

I know what you're thinking,

but it's just better for everybody
if I just finish this off.

BABY CONTINUES CRYING

Oh. Oh, God.

That's Sam up there in the queue.

- You serious?
- Yeah.

- I don't want her to see me.
- Why?

- Because I'm embarrassed.
- You're embarrassed?

She's the one who should be embarrassed.

Wait, what are you doing?

- I'm going to go tell her what I think of her.
- No, don't do that!

OK, do.

Hi.

I'm Rob Norris, Sharon Morris's husband.

What's your address?

- Sorry?
- Home or office, I don't care.

- Sorry, why do you want to know?
- I'm not going to come around.

I want to mail you an
etiquette book, you cold sore.

Why wouldn't you want
to hang out with my wife?

Do you know how funny she is?

Do you know how smart she is?

She's going to have to explain
this movie to me after we see it.

I won't get it. She's a teacher.

What do you do?

- Why do you even care?
- She told me you work at an organic dog food company.

- Nice!
- Seriously...

What about you? What are you, a...

chiropractor?

- A financial guy?
- I'm an architect.

I bet you are.

- What movie are you queueing for?
- The Winter Song.

Jake Gyllenhaal gets hit by a
bus and winds up in a wheelchair.

Rosamund Pike leaves him for
his brother and he kills himself.

Boom. Fuck you.

That's ?30 plus baby-sitter
money in the trash.

For fuck's sake.

Sorry.

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