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Previously on Call Me Fitz...
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1Thanks to you, Edith Kinkman,
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00:00:21,010 --> 00:00:22,559
president of the Coverton's
Ladies Auxilary,
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00:00:22,679 --> 00:00:24,080
the most powerful
women's group in town,
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00:00:24,147 --> 00:00:25,414
is dead.
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00:00:25,482 --> 00:00:26,815
Think of the good times,
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00:00:26,883 --> 00:00:28,584
like that moment
of happiness seven months ago
8
00:00:28,651 --> 00:00:30,418
when you and Richard...
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00:00:31,735 --> 00:00:34,870
OH MY GOODNESS!
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00:00:34,938 --> 00:00:37,239
You win the election,
you make me City Manager.
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00:00:37,307 --> 00:00:38,874
Yeah, but that's the job those drones
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00:00:38,942 --> 00:00:40,642
give their old war buddies -
their friends.
13
00:00:40,711 --> 00:00:42,211
Well, that makes rule one easier,
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00:00:42,278 --> 00:00:43,746
because friends don't sleep
with friends' friends.
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00:00:43,814 --> 00:00:45,147
Or their enemies.
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00:00:45,215 --> 00:00:46,681
You locked Coverton's
most prominent journalist
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00:00:46,749 --> 00:00:48,016
in the trunk of a car?
18
00:00:48,084 --> 00:00:49,984
My article is finished
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00:00:50,052 --> 00:00:51,886
and so is your political career!
20
00:00:51,954 --> 00:00:55,156
You sent Melody's car to the crusher!
21
00:00:55,224 --> 00:00:56,991
For fuck sake, put her down!
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00:00:57,059 --> 00:00:58,626
If you have a chance
of winning this election,
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it's by doing the same thing
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00:01:00,196 --> 00:01:01,262
that got you here in the first place.
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00:01:01,330 --> 00:01:02,696
Being yourself!
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00:01:02,764 --> 00:01:05,465
I'm gonna own up to every scandal,
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00:01:05,533 --> 00:01:08,736
every bad thing I've ever done.
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00:01:08,803 --> 00:01:10,838
Because I'm Richard Fitzpatrick,
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the last honest man.
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[
]
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Honesty.
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Who fucking knew?
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Two weeks before the election,
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00:01:23,550 --> 00:01:25,718
and everything is coming up Fitz.
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Everyone loves me:
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00:01:27,487 --> 00:01:31,824
The unwed mothers lookingfor a little support-
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00:01:31,892 --> 00:01:33,392
The small business owners
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00:01:33,460 --> 00:01:36,027
trying to earn an honest buck-
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00:01:36,095 --> 00:01:37,829
The civil liberties crowd.
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These are my people-
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-The immoral majority.
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00:01:42,201 --> 00:01:45,070
And I, Richard Fucking Fitzpatrick,
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00:01:45,138 --> 00:01:47,906
owe it to them totell it like it is...
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00:01:47,974 --> 00:01:50,141
I'm riding this honesty bullshit
45
00:01:50,208 --> 00:01:51,842
all the way to City Hall.
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00:01:55,647 --> 00:01:57,948
The whole truth and nothing but.
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00:01:58,016 --> 00:02:00,251
That is what I promise you.
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00:02:00,318 --> 00:02:05,022
Why? Because I am
the last honest man.
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00:02:07,091 --> 00:02:09,192
The Summerwind, baby.
50
00:02:09,260 --> 00:02:11,194
Nothing can stop me now...
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00:02:13,130 --> 00:02:14,697
If you're so honest,
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00:02:14,765 --> 00:02:17,801
where have you been
the last 25 years, Dad?
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00:02:50,330 --> 00:03:00,962
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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00:03:04,545 --> 00:03:06,079
You can't fool me, kid.
55
00:03:06,147 --> 00:03:07,447
I'm the king of the shakedown.
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00:03:07,514 --> 00:03:08,648
So, cut to the chase.
57
00:03:08,716 --> 00:03:09,949
How much to make you go away?
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00:03:10,016 --> 00:03:11,050
I don't want your money.
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00:03:11,117 --> 00:03:12,351
I'm on a full academic scholarship.
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00:03:12,418 --> 00:03:15,354
Then what do you want?
Women? Men?
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00:03:15,421 --> 00:03:16,621
I'll make some calls.
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00:03:16,689 --> 00:03:17,789
I want you to know
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00:03:17,858 --> 00:03:19,325
the pain you put my Mom through.
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00:03:19,392 --> 00:03:21,260
It's not my fault some
broad forgot her safe word.
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00:03:21,328 --> 00:03:23,362
Is that all Linda O'Neill was to you?
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00:03:23,429 --> 00:03:24,730
Some broad?
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00:03:24,797 --> 00:03:27,832
Linda... Linda...
Blonde?
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00:03:27,900 --> 00:03:29,367
Always asking for rides and money?
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00:03:29,434 --> 00:03:31,135
She wanted you to drive
her to Planned Parenthood.
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00:03:31,203 --> 00:03:32,370
And cover half the bill.
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00:03:32,437 --> 00:03:33,804
Right...
Miss Clingy.
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00:03:33,873 --> 00:03:35,273
You ruined her life!
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00:03:35,341 --> 00:03:36,975
She had to drop out
of school to raise me.
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00:03:37,042 --> 00:03:38,442
And then you denied my existence.
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00:03:38,510 --> 00:03:39,744
I didn't deny it.
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I never knew.
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00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:42,412
What about all those
requests for child support?
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00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:44,281
Look, this is a misunderstanding.
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00:03:44,349 --> 00:03:45,415
Give me a few days
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00:03:45,483 --> 00:03:46,816
and I'll sort this shit out.
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00:03:46,885 --> 00:03:49,119
You had over twenty-five
years to sort it out.
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00:03:49,187 --> 00:03:50,687
Tomorrow, I tell the world
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00:03:50,755 --> 00:03:53,290
how honest Richard
Fitzpatrick really is.
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Fuck.
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00:03:59,696 --> 00:04:01,697
We've got to shut
this little twerp up.
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00:04:01,765 --> 00:04:03,799
You might not be able
to see it right now,
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00:04:03,867 --> 00:04:06,068
but there is a silver
lining to this dark cloud.
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00:04:06,136 --> 00:04:07,603
What silver lining?
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00:04:07,670 --> 00:04:09,906
A secret kid kind of undercuts
our honesty platform.
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00:04:09,973 --> 00:04:12,574
Not if Richard honestly
didn't know about him-
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00:04:12,642 --> 00:04:14,075
I honestly didn't know about him.
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00:04:14,143 --> 00:04:15,576
...And declares publicly
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00:04:15,644 --> 00:04:17,445
that he is ready to welcome
Barry into his life.
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00:04:17,513 --> 00:04:18,713
I'll declare shit.
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00:04:18,781 --> 00:04:20,181
I mastered the art of the pullout
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00:04:20,249 --> 00:04:22,717
long before that little
bastard was conceived.
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00:04:22,785 --> 00:04:24,719
A paternity test will
clear this whole mess up.
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00:04:24,787 --> 00:04:27,355
Or you can become the
dad Barry never had
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00:04:27,423 --> 00:04:29,324
and show the voters that
Richard Fitzpatrick
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00:04:29,392 --> 00:04:31,325
is more than an alcoholic party boy.
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He is an alcoholic party boy
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00:04:32,928 --> 00:04:34,828
slash loving family man!
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00:04:38,266 --> 00:04:39,699
Dot's idea is easier.
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00:04:46,540 --> 00:04:49,475
It's a Wurlitzer.
It's worth forty.
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00:04:49,543 --> 00:04:52,345
But I'll let it go
for thirty-nine.
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00:04:52,413 --> 00:04:55,648
Thirty-eight is
my final offer.
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00:04:55,715 --> 00:04:59,652
Thirty-five.
Thirty.
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00:04:59,719 --> 00:05:01,554
Cheap son of a bitch.
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00:05:02,788 --> 00:05:04,289
What the fuck are you doing here?
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00:05:04,357 --> 00:05:05,991
We can't open Meghan
Fitzpatrick Motors
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00:05:06,059 --> 00:05:07,625
without the secret ingredient.
112
00:05:07,693 --> 00:05:09,761
Meghan Fitzpatrick!
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00:05:09,829 --> 00:05:11,363
Maybe I wasn't clear
about the arrangement.
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00:05:11,431 --> 00:05:13,332
You'll be a silent partner,
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00:05:13,399 --> 00:05:15,133
emphasis on "shut
the fuck up."
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00:05:15,201 --> 00:05:16,701
But you said that you needed me.
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00:05:16,769 --> 00:05:17,902
That you should have partnered with me
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00:05:17,971 --> 00:05:19,270
instead of Richard.
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00:05:19,338 --> 00:05:20,505
That I've always secretly
been your favorite.
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00:05:20,573 --> 00:05:21,973
I never said any of that.
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00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:23,775
I'll tell you one
thing you did say-
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00:05:23,843 --> 00:05:25,276
Go play in traffic?
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00:05:25,344 --> 00:05:29,714
The only people you
can trust are family.
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00:05:29,782 --> 00:05:31,182
One day, Daddy,
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00:05:31,249 --> 00:05:33,785
you're going to want a real
relationship with me...
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00:05:33,853 --> 00:05:36,386
or at least someone to
change your adult diaper.
127
00:05:36,454 --> 00:05:38,421
And what are you going
to do if I'm gone?
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00:05:38,490 --> 00:05:39,857
Dance a fucking jig.
129
00:05:47,699 --> 00:05:48,999
Look at this place, Richard.
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00:05:49,066 --> 00:05:52,001
Impressionable youngsters
yearning for learning,
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00:05:52,068 --> 00:05:54,269
we should 'Rock the Vote!'
132
00:05:54,337 --> 00:05:56,672
I'd like to teach her somethin'.
133
00:05:59,810 --> 00:06:02,144
Hey darlin', would you like
to earn some extra credit?
134
00:06:02,212 --> 00:06:04,613
Actually, a lot of credit.
135
00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:06,248
Wow, you made a sexual euphemism
136
00:06:06,316 --> 00:06:07,549
out of a simple sentence.
137
00:06:07,617 --> 00:06:08,984
That was so smart.
138
00:06:09,052 --> 00:06:10,219
I bet it impresses all the ladies
139
00:06:10,286 --> 00:06:11,987
down at the assisted living facility.
140
00:06:12,055 --> 00:06:13,222
This guy bothering you, Natalie?
141
00:06:13,289 --> 00:06:14,556
And now here's Barry
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00:06:14,624 --> 00:06:15,891
with his outdated
ideas of gender roles.
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00:06:15,958 --> 00:06:17,358
I was only trying to help.
144
00:06:17,426 --> 00:06:18,859
Oh, Barry, please defend my honor
145
00:06:18,927 --> 00:06:20,594
by kicking grandpa's pervy ass.
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00:06:20,662 --> 00:06:21,729
While I kick yours
147
00:06:21,796 --> 00:06:23,031
by winning the Felcher Watt.
148
00:06:23,098 --> 00:06:24,532
You kiss your mother with that mouth?
149
00:06:24,599 --> 00:06:26,167
If so, can I watch?
150
00:06:28,037 --> 00:06:29,103
What are you doing here?
151
00:06:29,171 --> 00:06:31,906
[gasp] Is that...?
152
00:06:31,973 --> 00:06:33,407
Oh, look at you two.
A spitting image.
153
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He has your eyes.
154
00:06:34,842 --> 00:06:37,010
Guys!
Cheese!
155
00:06:37,078 --> 00:06:38,778
Who's the creepy uncle?
156
00:06:38,846 --> 00:06:41,781
I'm a very important part
of your father's life.
157
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Alleged father.
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00:06:43,451 --> 00:06:44,951
And I brought him here for
some long overdue bonding.
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00:06:45,019 --> 00:06:46,686
With baseball mittens!
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00:06:46,754 --> 00:06:48,921
Guys?
Maybe later.
161
00:06:48,988 --> 00:06:50,423
What is this, a photo-op?
162
00:06:50,490 --> 00:06:52,525
Some lame attempt at political spin?
163
00:06:52,592 --> 00:06:53,792
I'll level with you, Kid.
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We came here to steal
a DNA sample off you
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to prove you're not a Fitz.
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00:06:56,763 --> 00:06:58,164
Classy guy.
167
00:06:58,231 --> 00:07:00,099
You want my DNA?
168
00:07:00,167 --> 00:07:01,600
A travel toothbrush?
169
00:07:01,668 --> 00:07:03,102
I told you he's not mine.
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00:07:03,170 --> 00:07:04,869
What do I get?
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00:07:04,937 --> 00:07:07,172
Barry, I promise you,
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00:07:07,239 --> 00:07:08,806
if this test proves
Richard is your father,
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00:07:08,874 --> 00:07:11,709
he will make a public
apology to you and your Mom-
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Since fucking when?
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00:07:13,212 --> 00:07:14,512
As long as you give
him a chance to prove
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he's not the heartless narcissistic
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00:07:16,315 --> 00:07:18,450
womanizing predator your
mother made him out to be.
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Let's get it over with.
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00:07:22,887 --> 00:07:24,854
Twenty-five years I've
waited for this moment.
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00:07:24,922 --> 00:07:26,390
To give me a used toothbrush?
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00:07:26,491 --> 00:07:28,125
To ruin your life
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as much as you ruined mine.
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00:07:30,895 --> 00:07:32,062
How many deadbeat dads
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00:07:32,130 --> 00:07:33,464
do you think get
elected to city council?
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00:07:33,531 --> 00:07:35,699
That's so cute.
Now let's go bond, you guys!
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00:07:36,766 --> 00:07:39,768
Bond! Bond!
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Mechanic!
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00:07:41,438 --> 00:07:42,705
The carburetor in that Civic
189
00:07:42,772 --> 00:07:44,940
still chokes the engine like the leash
190
00:07:45,008 --> 00:07:47,443
of western imperialism
chokes our homeland.
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00:07:47,511 --> 00:07:48,811
Kind of busy here, guys.
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00:07:48,878 --> 00:07:50,446
This has been your
excuse for many weeks.
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00:07:50,514 --> 00:07:51,914
What could be more important
194
00:07:51,982 --> 00:07:53,748
than customer service and profits?
195
00:07:53,816 --> 00:07:57,519
How about the fate
of the free world, assholes?
196
00:07:57,587 --> 00:08:01,189
[whimpering]
197
00:08:01,257 --> 00:08:03,391
I am concerned for the hairy one.
198
00:08:03,459 --> 00:08:05,693
All he does is stare
at his mobile device.
199
00:08:05,761 --> 00:08:07,462
We should help him.
200
00:08:07,530 --> 00:08:09,597
Perhaps give him ice cream.
201
00:08:09,664 --> 00:08:11,565
If I learned one thing
from my time with Meghan,
202
00:08:11,633 --> 00:08:13,867
it is the mood altering
effect of frozen treats.
203
00:08:13,935 --> 00:08:17,505
When the camel is lame,
we shoot the camel.
204
00:08:17,572 --> 00:08:19,106
That is our way.
205
00:08:19,174 --> 00:08:20,907
We also eat the camel.
206
00:08:20,975 --> 00:08:22,243
We are Pashtun.
207
00:08:22,310 --> 00:08:23,910
We never depend on outsiders.
208
00:08:23,978 --> 00:08:25,512
Why are you so obsessed
209
00:08:25,579 --> 00:08:28,281
with upholding traditions
that are clearly ineffective?
210
00:08:28,349 --> 00:08:30,150
Josh brings much needed capital
211
00:08:30,217 --> 00:08:31,917
to our failing enterprise.
212
00:08:31,985 --> 00:08:35,087
I forbid you from contact
with the cadet from space.
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00:08:35,156 --> 00:08:38,158
Eh-eh!
Do I make myself clear?
214
00:08:38,225 --> 00:08:39,925
Yes cousin...
215
00:08:39,993 --> 00:08:41,260
Good.
216
00:08:49,702 --> 00:08:52,304
Thanks, sweet knees.
217
00:08:52,372 --> 00:08:54,173
You hang out here?
218
00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:56,207
It's my home away from home.
219
00:08:56,275 --> 00:08:58,576
Your home must be a real shithole.
220
00:08:58,644 --> 00:09:00,911
Hey!
Dot's on her way to the clinic
221
00:09:00,979 --> 00:09:03,447
with your toothbrush and your...
222
00:09:03,515 --> 00:09:04,882
semen sample.
223
00:09:04,949 --> 00:09:06,950
They test DNA off saliva, you know.
224
00:09:07,018 --> 00:09:08,486
I don't want to take any chances.
225
00:09:08,554 --> 00:09:10,754
So, Barry, tell us about yourself.
226
00:09:10,822 --> 00:09:12,422
How's school?
227
00:09:12,490 --> 00:09:13,723
Are you dating?
228
00:09:13,791 --> 00:09:17,794
There might be someone...
229
00:09:17,861 --> 00:09:19,629
Girlfriends are for homos.
230
00:09:19,697 --> 00:09:21,398
You're in college.
Play the field.
231
00:09:21,465 --> 00:09:22,732
Experiment.
232
00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:23,800
Yeah.
233
00:09:23,867 --> 00:09:25,402
Maybe I can experiment
234
00:09:25,469 --> 00:09:27,470
with getting some girl
pregnant and then ditching her.
235
00:09:27,538 --> 00:09:28,770
Thumbs up.
236
00:09:28,838 --> 00:09:30,372
Holy shit.
237
00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:32,107
It is true.
238
00:09:32,175 --> 00:09:34,743
You actually produced a
kid that isn't a mutant.
239
00:09:34,811 --> 00:09:36,412
You're not a mutant, are you?
240
00:09:36,479 --> 00:09:37,680
I'm a scientist.
241
00:09:37,747 --> 00:09:39,047
Well, la de da.
242
00:09:39,115 --> 00:09:41,283
Call me when you've split
the atom, Dr. Freud.
243
00:09:41,351 --> 00:09:42,984
Maybe then I'll be impressed.
244
00:09:43,052 --> 00:09:45,520
Larry, the idea is to not
tell the whole fucking world.
245
00:09:45,588 --> 00:09:46,787
Richard, this is family.
246
00:09:46,855 --> 00:09:48,723
Ken, I'd like you to meet Barry.
247
00:09:48,790 --> 00:09:50,425
Barry, this is Ken.
248
00:09:50,492 --> 00:09:52,793
Call him grandpa.
249
00:09:52,861 --> 00:09:55,597
Call me Mr. Fitzpatrick.
250
00:09:55,664 --> 00:09:58,466
Barry, you say you're a scientist?
251
00:09:58,534 --> 00:10:00,534
What field are you working in?
252
00:10:00,602 --> 00:10:03,237
I'm doing my doctorate
in medical nanotechnology.
253
00:10:03,304 --> 00:10:04,771
You want my advice?
254
00:10:04,839 --> 00:10:06,172
Not at all.
255
00:10:06,241 --> 00:10:07,608
Fuck that shit.
256
00:10:07,675 --> 00:10:09,576
The real money's in quality
pre-owned automobiles.
257
00:10:09,644 --> 00:10:12,246
If you're ever looking
for a new career...
258
00:10:17,917 --> 00:10:19,719
What a coccydynia.
259
00:10:21,855 --> 00:10:24,156
It means he's a pain in the ass.
260
00:10:24,224 --> 00:10:25,824
Got that right, kid.
261
00:10:25,892 --> 00:10:27,393
You do have one thing in common.
262
00:10:27,461 --> 00:10:29,295
You both hate your biological fathers!
263
00:10:29,363 --> 00:10:31,029
Fuck off, Larry.
264
00:10:37,603 --> 00:10:39,638
Take a number.
265
00:11:08,064 --> 00:11:11,267
Dot...
Foxley, isn't it?
266
00:11:11,335 --> 00:11:12,769
Mmmm.
267
00:11:12,836 --> 00:11:14,103
Ali Devon.
268
00:11:19,009 --> 00:11:20,509
You've been waiting long?
269
00:11:20,576 --> 00:11:22,110
Just got here.
270
00:11:25,515 --> 00:11:27,148
So...
271
00:11:27,216 --> 00:11:30,018
Oh.
Genetic compatibility testing.
272
00:11:30,085 --> 00:11:31,486
Oh.
273
00:11:31,554 --> 00:11:33,689
Well, I...
274
00:11:33,756 --> 00:11:35,890
hope you pass.
275
00:11:39,428 --> 00:11:42,062
Cut the crap, Foxley.
276
00:11:42,130 --> 00:11:43,764
What are you really doing here?
277
00:11:46,702 --> 00:11:49,804
This may find this hard
for you to believe, Devon,
278
00:11:49,871 --> 00:11:53,272
but the entire world
doesn't revolve around you.
279
00:11:53,341 --> 00:11:54,808
You think you're the only
one who can throw her legs open
280
00:11:54,875 --> 00:11:56,843
and let someone poke her uterus?
281
00:11:56,910 --> 00:11:58,077
Oh poor Dot,
282
00:11:58,145 --> 00:11:59,612
she couldn't possibly balance
283
00:11:59,680 --> 00:12:00,980
marriage and a vibrant personal life
284
00:12:01,048 --> 00:12:02,248
with a career and motherhood.
285
00:12:02,316 --> 00:12:03,450
She'll never have it all.
286
00:12:03,517 --> 00:12:04,884
Not like you.
287
00:12:04,952 --> 00:12:07,119
But you've got it all
figured out, don't you?
288
00:12:07,187 --> 00:12:09,421
I guess you're Miss Perfect.
289
00:12:09,489 --> 00:12:12,358
No wonder everyone loves Ali Devon.
290
00:12:12,425 --> 00:12:13,992
Well, let me tell you
something, sis --
291
00:12:14,060 --> 00:12:16,061
[chime rings]
292
00:12:25,971 --> 00:12:27,705
Wow.
293
00:12:27,773 --> 00:12:30,608
Your dad made you fish
your mom's diaphragm
294
00:12:30,676 --> 00:12:31,976
out of the toilet?
295
00:12:32,043 --> 00:12:34,612
Worst Easter ever.
296
00:12:34,680 --> 00:12:37,047
Here you go...
"Son."
297
00:12:37,115 --> 00:12:38,449
Thanks...
"Dad."
298
00:12:38,517 --> 00:12:39,784
[laughs]
299
00:12:39,852 --> 00:12:41,685
What's wrong with you, fuck sock?
300
00:12:41,753 --> 00:12:44,120
Are you drunk or something?
301
00:12:44,188 --> 00:12:46,490
Drunk on this growing love connection.
302
00:12:46,557 --> 00:12:48,425
Are you some kind of
emotional parasite?
303
00:12:48,493 --> 00:12:50,026
A monkey!
304
00:12:50,094 --> 00:12:51,661
Hey, little fella...
305
00:12:51,729 --> 00:12:53,029
What's his name?
306
00:12:53,097 --> 00:12:54,464
Magic.
Just leave him alone.
307
00:12:54,532 --> 00:12:56,599
Natalie doesn't like people
playing with her baboon.
308
00:12:56,666 --> 00:12:59,435
You share this place
with That Bitch Natalie?
309
00:12:59,503 --> 00:13:00,903
She's not that bad.
310
00:13:00,970 --> 00:13:02,137
Hey, buddy.
311
00:13:02,205 --> 00:13:03,773
Anyway, here's where I've spent
312
00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:05,474
the last five years of my life,
313
00:13:05,542 --> 00:13:07,910
perfecting my research.
314
00:13:07,977 --> 00:13:09,378
On how not to get laid?
315
00:13:09,446 --> 00:13:13,047
No...
Suspended in this liquid
316
00:13:13,115 --> 00:13:15,383
are millions of nanobots.
317
00:13:17,953 --> 00:13:20,755
Microscopic robots that work in unison
318
00:13:20,823 --> 00:13:22,724
to help humanity.
319
00:13:22,792 --> 00:13:25,593
When I prove they can
prevent acid reflux,
320
00:13:25,661 --> 00:13:28,462
I'm a shooin for the
Felcher Watt Fellowship.
321
00:13:28,530 --> 00:13:31,097
If Natalie doesn't beat me to it.
322
00:13:31,165 --> 00:13:32,466
The Felcher what?
323
00:13:32,534 --> 00:13:33,600
You've heard of it?
324
00:13:33,668 --> 00:13:35,235
Sure, totally.
325
00:13:35,303 --> 00:13:36,703
Barry, that's so impressive.
326
00:13:36,771 --> 00:13:38,104
Isn't that right, Magic?
327
00:13:38,172 --> 00:13:40,073
Yes it is.
328
00:13:40,141 --> 00:13:43,610
Isn't there already a
cure for acid reflux?
329
00:13:43,678 --> 00:13:45,745
It's not the cure that matters,
330
00:13:45,813 --> 00:13:47,447
it's the nanotechnology.
331
00:13:47,514 --> 00:13:48,981
If I win the grant,
332
00:13:49,049 --> 00:13:52,084
it'll pay my way through
another decade of research.
333
00:13:52,152 --> 00:13:55,688
Fucking the system out of money?
334
00:13:55,756 --> 00:13:57,356
That's my boy.
335
00:13:57,424 --> 00:13:59,525
This career is what my
mother always wanted for me.
336
00:13:59,593 --> 00:14:01,693
I just hope I don't disappoint her.
337
00:14:01,761 --> 00:14:03,528
So long as you try your best,
338
00:14:03,596 --> 00:14:06,030
Richard and I will always
be proud of you.
339
00:14:06,098 --> 00:14:07,899
Quit gaying up the joint, Larry.
340
00:14:07,967 --> 00:14:11,235
This calls for a toast.
341
00:14:11,303 --> 00:14:14,339
No thank you, designated driver.
342
00:14:14,406 --> 00:14:16,441
More for me and Barry.
343
00:14:16,508 --> 00:14:18,509
Barry -
seeing what you've done here
344
00:14:18,577 --> 00:14:20,911
makes me so glad I may or may not
345
00:14:20,979 --> 00:14:23,747
have avoided driving your mom
to the abortion clinic.
346
00:14:23,815 --> 00:14:27,384
Me too.
347
00:14:27,452 --> 00:14:29,019
Giddyup.
348
00:14:29,087 --> 00:14:30,988
Richard!
That's not alcohol!
349
00:14:32,290 --> 00:14:33,723
My nanobots?
350
00:14:33,791 --> 00:14:35,024
[belch]
351
00:14:35,092 --> 00:14:37,360
Five years of research
352
00:14:37,427 --> 00:14:39,395
down your intestinal tract?
353
00:14:39,463 --> 00:14:40,797
No great loss.
[belch]
354
00:14:40,865 --> 00:14:42,164
They don't work very well.
355
00:14:44,101 --> 00:14:46,235
[groans]
356
00:14:49,105 --> 00:14:53,341
[stomach gurlges]
357
00:14:53,409 --> 00:14:55,944
Richard, this isn't how
you should deal with your guilt.
358
00:14:56,012 --> 00:14:57,646
You made a mistake.
Now it's time to fix it.
359
00:14:57,714 --> 00:14:59,080
What guilt?
360
00:14:59,148 --> 00:15:00,983
Dot's on her way to the
paternity lab for the results.
361
00:15:01,050 --> 00:15:03,184
Whether Barry is your
biological son or not,
362
00:15:03,252 --> 00:15:05,019
he needs you now more than ever.
363
00:15:05,086 --> 00:15:06,120
You have to help him out.
364
00:15:06,187 --> 00:15:07,722
It's the responsible thing to do.
365
00:15:07,789 --> 00:15:09,189
You help him.
366
00:15:09,257 --> 00:15:10,558
You're the one who thought
I could be a good father.
367
00:15:10,626 --> 00:15:12,527
Which means you're the one
who fucked up here.
368
00:15:12,594 --> 00:15:14,161
Nice work, ass crust!
369
00:15:14,229 --> 00:15:15,796
You know how bad it feels
370
00:15:15,864 --> 00:15:17,532
when your father lets you down.
371
00:15:17,599 --> 00:15:19,199
Remember in middle school
372
00:15:19,267 --> 00:15:20,935
when you and Josh
tried to cut an album?
373
00:15:21,003 --> 00:15:23,337
And then Ken "accidentally"
taped over it
374
00:15:23,405 --> 00:15:25,406
and never did anything to apologize.
375
00:15:25,473 --> 00:15:26,573
That drunk asshole.
376
00:15:26,641 --> 00:15:27,974
But you're not Ken.
377
00:15:28,043 --> 00:15:29,709
You don't wallow in
pity over your mistakes.
378
00:15:29,777 --> 00:15:31,378
You take responsibility
for your actions.
379
00:15:31,446 --> 00:15:32,612
Since when?
380
00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:33,847
Since you became Richard Fitzpatrick,
381
00:15:33,915 --> 00:15:36,050
the last honest man.
382
00:15:36,117 --> 00:15:37,483
Fuck.
383
00:15:37,551 --> 00:15:39,952
You got bolt cutters?
384
00:15:40,020 --> 00:15:42,221
I believe I do.
385
00:15:44,024 --> 00:15:45,391
Nothing says sorry, kid
386
00:15:45,459 --> 00:15:47,427
like some old fashioned sabotage.
387
00:15:47,494 --> 00:15:48,761
Just a thought.
388
00:15:48,828 --> 00:15:50,196
Maybe breaking and entering
389
00:15:50,264 --> 00:15:51,464
isn't the solution to
all of life's problems.
390
00:15:51,532 --> 00:15:52,865
It's not, Larry.
But sabotage is.
391
00:15:52,933 --> 00:15:54,332
Destroying That Bitch
Natalie's research
392
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:56,301
will level the playing field.
393
00:16:01,807 --> 00:16:04,642
Okay, little buddy.
Fuck off.
394
00:16:06,478 --> 00:16:08,947
What's the matter with you, huh?
395
00:16:09,014 --> 00:16:10,949
Who knew a medical test animal
would be too sick to move?
396
00:16:11,016 --> 00:16:12,416
I've got just the thing
to perk him up.
397
00:16:12,484 --> 00:16:13,952
You can't give him your drugs.
398
00:16:14,019 --> 00:16:15,954
Relax, Larry.
I didn't pay for 'em.
399
00:16:16,021 --> 00:16:17,320
There you go, buddy.
400
00:16:17,388 --> 00:16:18,488
Come on...
401
00:16:19,691 --> 00:16:21,191
Go on, take it.
402
00:16:24,696 --> 00:16:28,531
[grunting]
403
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:30,667
Merry Christmas, Barry.
404
00:16:36,773 --> 00:16:40,542
Josh?
405
00:16:40,611 --> 00:16:43,345
I have brought you a treat.
406
00:16:43,413 --> 00:16:45,347
Something to cheer you up.
407
00:16:49,318 --> 00:16:51,352
No! No!
408
00:16:53,055 --> 00:16:54,255
I assure you,
409
00:16:54,323 --> 00:16:55,590
there will not be seventy virgins
410
00:16:55,658 --> 00:16:57,759
awaiting you in paradise.
411
00:16:57,827 --> 00:17:00,561
What are you talking about?
412
00:17:00,630 --> 00:17:02,530
God does not approve of
committing suicide...
413
00:17:02,598 --> 00:17:04,032
without an explosion.
414
00:17:04,100 --> 00:17:05,766
This isn't suicide.
415
00:17:05,834 --> 00:17:08,002
This is Optimo Primo.
416
00:17:08,069 --> 00:17:11,672
The car that turns into a bong.
417
00:17:11,740 --> 00:17:14,708
When I saw you, I thought the worst.
418
00:17:14,776 --> 00:17:18,311
I'm just having one of those days.
419
00:17:18,379 --> 00:17:19,613
A Wednesday?
420
00:17:19,681 --> 00:17:22,515
No! You know those
days when you wake up
421
00:17:22,582 --> 00:17:24,717
and realize Fitz has cut
you out of his campaign,
422
00:17:24,785 --> 00:17:28,254
and you're still waiting for
a call from your handler,
423
00:17:28,321 --> 00:17:30,589
and you start wondering if you
even have a purpose in life.
424
00:17:30,658 --> 00:17:32,091
I have never woken up in the morning
425
00:17:32,159 --> 00:17:33,559
and thought those things.
426
00:17:33,627 --> 00:17:35,094
Whenever I'm down,
Fitzie always blazes one with me
427
00:17:35,162 --> 00:17:38,196
and helps put my problems
into perspective.
428
00:17:40,667 --> 00:17:42,134
Would you?
429
00:17:42,201 --> 00:17:44,870
If Cousin ever found out...
430
00:17:44,937 --> 00:17:48,640
[engine revs]
431
00:17:48,708 --> 00:17:49,741
Very well.
432
00:17:49,809 --> 00:17:51,476
Really?
433
00:17:51,544 --> 00:17:52,710
Yes!
434
00:17:52,778 --> 00:17:53,911
Optimo Primo assemble!
435
00:17:53,979 --> 00:17:57,247
[makes machine noises]
436
00:17:58,750 --> 00:18:00,350
You gonna get in or what?
437
00:18:00,418 --> 00:18:01,886
C'mon, c'mon!
438
00:18:12,830 --> 00:18:14,430
What the hell are you doing?
439
00:18:14,498 --> 00:18:16,933
Shredding the competition's research.
440
00:18:17,001 --> 00:18:18,735
It's not the most ethical way to help,
441
00:18:18,803 --> 00:18:21,237
but Richard wants you
to achieve your dreams.
442
00:18:21,305 --> 00:18:23,006
And you're welcome.
443
00:18:23,074 --> 00:18:24,407
You idiots!
444
00:18:24,474 --> 00:18:26,975
All you've done is ruin my chances
445
00:18:27,043 --> 00:18:28,977
with the one thing I actually wanted.
446
00:18:29,045 --> 00:18:31,947
A paternal bond with
your biological father?
447
00:18:32,015 --> 00:18:34,083
No, you mental defective.
448
00:18:34,150 --> 00:18:35,651
You think it's a coincidence
449
00:18:35,719 --> 00:18:38,421
I happen to run into Natalie
around campus?
450
00:18:38,488 --> 00:18:40,489
Set up a desk in her lab?
451
00:18:40,557 --> 00:18:42,757
You're stalking That Bitch Natalie?
452
00:18:42,825 --> 00:18:45,293
I told you we just
had to get him laid.
453
00:18:45,361 --> 00:18:48,230
Where'd the baboon go?
454
00:18:48,297 --> 00:18:50,632
Do I look like his social secretary?
455
00:18:50,700 --> 00:18:52,133
He ran out the door.
456
00:18:52,201 --> 00:18:53,835
That's the last we saw of him.
I'm sure he's fine.
457
00:18:53,902 --> 00:18:56,438
He's HIV positive.
He's dying.
458
00:18:56,505 --> 00:18:57,705
Dying to party.
459
00:18:57,772 --> 00:18:59,172
I gave him a little pick me up.
460
00:18:59,241 --> 00:19:00,974
Sildenafil Citrate.
461
00:19:01,042 --> 00:19:03,244
You gave him erectile
dysfunction medication?
462
00:19:03,311 --> 00:19:05,512
I don't need it.
It just enhance my pleasure.
463
00:19:05,580 --> 00:19:08,215
We have to get him back!
464
00:19:11,453 --> 00:19:13,986
[coughs]
465
00:19:14,054 --> 00:19:16,589
This ice cream is so delicious.
466
00:19:16,657 --> 00:19:18,291
Triple fudge.
467
00:19:18,359 --> 00:19:21,160
Everything should be tripled.
468
00:19:21,228 --> 00:19:23,596
Cousin would think it decadent.
469
00:19:23,664 --> 00:19:25,698
He and his fatwas.
470
00:19:25,766 --> 00:19:27,400
It's always here a fatwa.
471
00:19:27,468 --> 00:19:28,868
There a Fatwa.
472
00:19:28,935 --> 00:19:30,235
Everywhere a fatwa.
473
00:19:30,303 --> 00:19:32,904
[laughter]
474
00:19:32,972 --> 00:19:34,406
I gotta tell you something.
475
00:19:34,474 --> 00:19:36,975
But promise you'll
keep this between us.
476
00:19:37,042 --> 00:19:41,079
Star and crescent my heart.
477
00:19:42,448 --> 00:19:44,683
I have a secret past.
478
00:19:44,751 --> 00:19:46,150
I've been under cover for years.
479
00:19:46,217 --> 00:19:48,051
Operation Blackout.
480
00:19:48,119 --> 00:19:49,853
I'm a sleeper agent.
481
00:19:49,921 --> 00:19:51,389
Special Forces.
482
00:19:51,456 --> 00:19:52,657
Sweet...
483
00:19:52,724 --> 00:19:54,258
I was reactivated,
484
00:19:54,326 --> 00:19:55,959
then told to "hold position."
485
00:19:56,027 --> 00:19:57,595
My C.O. hasn't called since.
486
00:19:57,663 --> 00:19:59,363
I don't know if HQ was hit,
487
00:19:59,431 --> 00:20:00,731
if the mission's
been cancelled -
488
00:20:00,799 --> 00:20:04,066
or if they're going to cancel me.
489
00:20:04,134 --> 00:20:05,435
With extreme prejudice.
490
00:20:07,037 --> 00:20:08,672
The mass of your predicaments
491
00:20:08,739 --> 00:20:10,907
is indeed quite heavy.
492
00:20:10,974 --> 00:20:12,342
But all that matters
493
00:20:12,410 --> 00:20:14,143
is that when the time comes,
494
00:20:14,211 --> 00:20:16,212
you'll be ready.
495
00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:17,680
Yeah...
496
00:20:17,781 --> 00:20:19,581
triple ready.
497
00:20:19,649 --> 00:20:21,116
You just need the phone to ring.
498
00:20:21,184 --> 00:20:24,653
[phone rings]
499
00:20:24,721 --> 00:20:26,388
BOTH: Whoa.
500
00:20:30,627 --> 00:20:32,194
Yeah, yeah.
501
00:20:34,963 --> 00:20:36,364
Agent McTaggart.
502
00:20:36,432 --> 00:20:37,765
Josh, I need you to come to campus
503
00:20:37,833 --> 00:20:39,801
and take down an AIDS monkey.
504
00:20:41,737 --> 00:20:43,237
Is it the call?
505
00:20:43,305 --> 00:20:45,105
Close enough.
506
00:20:45,173 --> 00:20:47,241
Rock on, my friend.
507
00:20:47,309 --> 00:20:51,010
Or may I call you -
cousin from another race?
508
00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:53,980
Yeah!
509
00:20:56,651 --> 00:20:58,051
Good afternoon, everyone.
510
00:20:58,118 --> 00:20:59,686
I have a quick announcement.
511
00:20:59,754 --> 00:21:01,988
If any of you run into a monkey
512
00:21:02,056 --> 00:21:03,857
that answers to the name of Magic...
513
00:21:03,924 --> 00:21:06,225
...Please contact campus
security immediately.
514
00:21:06,292 --> 00:21:08,227
Do not approach him
under any circumstances.
515
00:21:08,294 --> 00:21:10,363
If he tries to approach
you, just say no.
516
00:21:10,430 --> 00:21:11,530
Then go.
And tell.
517
00:21:11,598 --> 00:21:12,832
What the fuck did you do?
518
00:21:12,899 --> 00:21:14,667
Good, you heard.
Saves us a trip.
519
00:21:14,735 --> 00:21:17,603
We kind of accidentally
let your monkey escape.
520
00:21:17,671 --> 00:21:19,905
Magic's a baboon, you hydrocephalic.
521
00:21:19,973 --> 00:21:21,573
As for you, you sabotaging
son of a bitch...
522
00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:22,774
It wasn't me, I swear.
523
00:21:22,842 --> 00:21:23,941
He's telling the truth.
524
00:21:24,009 --> 00:21:25,276
Totally.
It was Larry.
525
00:21:25,344 --> 00:21:26,678
I don't give a
fuck what happened, okay?
526
00:21:26,746 --> 00:21:28,646
I've got five years of my life
invested in Magic.
527
00:21:28,714 --> 00:21:31,949
So find him or I'm turning
you into my test subjects, okay?
528
00:21:32,017 --> 00:21:34,085
Relax.
I've got my best guy on it.
529
00:21:34,152 --> 00:21:35,253
[screaming]
530
00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:36,788
Take it easy, people!
531
00:21:36,856 --> 00:21:38,955
It's just one AIDS monkey!
No need to panic!
532
00:21:39,023 --> 00:21:41,558
It's not like there's
a herd of AIDS monkeys or...
533
00:21:41,626 --> 00:21:43,527
Oh, I get it.
534
00:21:48,132 --> 00:21:49,466
No, that's not it.
535
00:21:50,835 --> 00:21:53,236
High ground...
536
00:21:53,304 --> 00:21:54,871
Perfect.
537
00:21:59,543 --> 00:22:06,048
[loud grunting]
538
00:22:06,116 --> 00:22:07,517
I promise I will make this right.
539
00:22:07,584 --> 00:22:09,018
You probably planned this whole thing.
540
00:22:09,085 --> 00:22:10,485
Holy fuck, it's a monkey!
541
00:22:10,553 --> 00:22:12,053
Whatever you do,
don't look him in the eye!
542
00:22:12,121 --> 00:22:14,322
He'll feel threatened and
he will fuck you in the ear.
543
00:22:16,959 --> 00:22:21,663
[screaming]
544
00:22:21,731 --> 00:22:23,231
Go get Magic's travel cage now!
545
00:22:23,299 --> 00:22:24,766
Richard, do you have
any more of those pills?
546
00:22:24,834 --> 00:22:26,033
He seemed to like those.
547
00:22:26,100 --> 00:22:27,267
He won't trust you.
548
00:22:27,335 --> 00:22:28,436
At least I didn't give him AIDS.
549
00:22:28,503 --> 00:22:29,870
Just go grab him, numbnuts.
550
00:22:29,938 --> 00:22:32,306
Come on, little guy!
551
00:22:32,373 --> 00:22:34,107
Here, AIDS monkey.
552
00:22:34,175 --> 00:22:35,876
Here, AIDS monkey...!
553
00:22:35,944 --> 00:22:38,245
Here, AIDS monkey...!
554
00:22:38,313 --> 00:22:41,181
Come here, little buddy!
555
00:22:41,249 --> 00:22:43,382
Target acquired.
556
00:22:49,122 --> 00:22:50,590
[loud shot]
557
00:22:50,658 --> 00:22:51,958
Hey...
558
00:22:52,025 --> 00:22:53,793
Oh My God!
559
00:22:53,861 --> 00:22:54,894
A SHOOTER!
560
00:22:54,962 --> 00:22:56,295
Don't get your tits in a knot.
561
00:22:56,363 --> 00:22:57,563
It's only a tranq gun.
562
00:22:57,630 --> 00:22:58,931
So that makes it ok?
563
00:22:58,998 --> 00:23:00,231
God, Natalie.
564
00:23:00,299 --> 00:23:01,467
No wonder everyone
thinks you're a bitch.
565
00:23:11,911 --> 00:23:14,178
I think I owe you an apology.
566
00:23:14,245 --> 00:23:16,013
For what?
567
00:23:16,081 --> 00:23:18,649
I was being paranoid.
568
00:23:18,717 --> 00:23:21,586
This stupid election.
Chester and Fitz...
569
00:23:21,653 --> 00:23:23,387
I think the campaign
has everyone on edge.
570
00:23:23,455 --> 00:23:26,323
Re-evaluating priorities.
571
00:23:26,391 --> 00:23:28,693
I hope it's good news.
Thank you.
572
00:23:32,329 --> 00:23:33,730
Ali Devon.
573
00:23:33,831 --> 00:23:36,666
Ah yes, right here.
574
00:23:47,377 --> 00:23:49,512
Aw, fuck me.
575
00:23:49,579 --> 00:23:54,116
[groaning]
576
00:23:54,183 --> 00:23:58,621
Gotta get my hands
on that damn dirty ape.
577
00:24:10,633 --> 00:24:11,933
Bang up job.
578
00:24:12,001 --> 00:24:13,501
Want to come
ruin Thanksgiving this year too?
579
00:24:13,569 --> 00:24:15,603
I do like turkey...
580
00:24:15,671 --> 00:24:17,604
[whistling]
581
00:24:17,672 --> 00:24:20,206
Why the fuck did you shoot Larry?
582
00:24:20,274 --> 00:24:21,975
Sorry, buddy.
583
00:24:22,043 --> 00:24:23,243
I failed you.
584
00:24:23,310 --> 00:24:24,811
It's not a total failure.
585
00:24:24,879 --> 00:24:26,413
What about my fucking baboon?
586
00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:28,615
He's all horned up on the medication.
587
00:24:28,683 --> 00:24:30,651
If someone was to present himself...
588
00:24:30,718 --> 00:24:33,020
Who died and made you Jane Goodall?
589
00:24:33,087 --> 00:24:36,556
I've hung off every word
you've said for five years.
590
00:24:36,623 --> 00:24:39,258
Every fuck off Barry, every
go to hell, microphallus...
591
00:24:39,325 --> 00:24:40,392
Huh?
592
00:24:40,460 --> 00:24:41,627
It's up to you, Josh.
593
00:24:41,695 --> 00:24:42,929
Lure the little fucker out here
594
00:24:42,996 --> 00:24:44,630
with your ape-like ass.
595
00:24:46,066 --> 00:24:48,067
I haven't heard those
words since basic training...
596
00:24:48,134 --> 00:24:49,601
There's a cure for monkey AIDS, right?
597
00:24:49,669 --> 00:24:51,603
Because of you, there just might be.
598
00:24:51,671 --> 00:24:53,504
Okay...yeah!
599
00:24:54,941 --> 00:24:57,275
Come on, little buddy.
Come on, buddy!
600
00:24:57,342 --> 00:24:58,977
Come on, come on...
601
00:24:59,045 --> 00:25:01,112
Come on, hurry up.
602
00:25:01,180 --> 00:25:03,414
Is he comin' or what?
603
00:25:03,482 --> 00:25:05,649
Just like basic training.
It's just like basic training.
604
00:25:07,518 --> 00:25:09,987
Here he comes, Josh.
605
00:25:10,055 --> 00:25:11,622
I feel his eyes on my ass.
606
00:25:12,691 --> 00:25:15,492
I can feel his beady little
baboon eyes all over me, man.
607
00:25:17,361 --> 00:25:20,998
I don't want to do this anymore!
I don't want to do this anymore!
608
00:25:21,066 --> 00:25:24,500
Oh God, he's touching me,
bring the cage!
609
00:25:24,568 --> 00:25:26,335
Bring it in!
Bring it in, man!
610
00:25:27,871 --> 00:25:29,238
I can't hold my position anymore, man.
611
00:25:29,306 --> 00:25:30,339
I'm not going to hold this anymore.
612
00:25:30,407 --> 00:25:32,642
Go for the fruit!
Go for the fruit!
613
00:25:32,710 --> 00:25:34,143
[sobbing] Please go for the fruit!
614
00:25:38,114 --> 00:25:39,881
You better buy me
a couple beers for this, pal.
615
00:25:39,949 --> 00:25:41,116
Nice work, soldier.
616
00:25:41,183 --> 00:25:42,484
Thank you, sir.
617
00:25:46,222 --> 00:25:48,924
I swear, setting him
free wasn't my idea.
618
00:25:48,992 --> 00:25:52,293
But now he's back, safe and sound.
619
00:25:52,361 --> 00:25:53,828
To eventually die from AIDS.
620
00:25:53,895 --> 00:25:55,863
You know, it's too bad.
621
00:25:55,931 --> 00:25:58,232
I make it a rule to never
date the competition.
622
00:26:00,468 --> 00:26:02,202
Natalie -
my research is ruined.
623
00:26:02,270 --> 00:26:03,937
There's no way I can
win the fellowship now.
624
00:26:04,005 --> 00:26:07,341
So, if you ever need any
help with your project -
625
00:26:07,408 --> 00:26:09,809
You could help me vivisect him.
626
00:26:11,312 --> 00:26:12,712
Love to.
627
00:26:14,182 --> 00:26:16,283
Oh, hey, Fitz?
628
00:26:16,351 --> 00:26:17,584
Save it, kid.
629
00:26:17,652 --> 00:26:19,085
Throwing away your future
630
00:26:19,153 --> 00:26:22,122
for a chance with the
science department slut?
631
00:26:22,189 --> 00:26:24,490
I don't care what the
paternity tests say,
632
00:26:24,558 --> 00:26:26,592
you're a real Fitzpatrick.
633
00:26:26,661 --> 00:26:29,395
Yeah, I never want to see you again.
634
00:26:29,463 --> 00:26:31,330
Any of you motherfuckers.
635
00:26:33,167 --> 00:26:34,399
Yep.
636
00:26:37,771 --> 00:26:39,471
A real Fitzpatrick.
637
00:26:40,907 --> 00:26:43,676
Great news.
You're not the father.
638
00:26:47,013 --> 00:26:48,947
I thought you'd be thrilled.
639
00:26:49,015 --> 00:26:52,050
Yeah, big relief.
640
00:26:52,117 --> 00:26:54,218
Let the press know, will you?
641
00:26:54,286 --> 00:26:55,987
I got shit to do.
642
00:27:06,664 --> 00:27:08,665
[mutters]
643
00:27:08,951 --> 00:27:19,269
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
644
00:27:19,319 --> 00:27:23,869
Repair and Synchronization by
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