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Previously, on "Brockmire."
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00:00:02,047 --> 00:00:05,265
Butler. They truly are our eternal enemy
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It has begun, people!
4
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Not since Pearl Harbor has America seen
5
00:00:11,589 --> 00:00:13,922
such unprovoked aggression, people!
6
00:00:14,019 --> 00:00:16,708
I uploaded this yesterday.Look...
half a million hits.
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[Screaming]
8
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You're famous again!
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00:00:20,545 --> 00:00:22,303
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[Speaking Tagalog]
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_
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_
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_
14
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_
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[Laughter]
16
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[Growls]
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_
18
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Darling, [Speaking Tagalog]
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I indeed, [Speaking Tagalog]
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_
21
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[Laughter]
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- [Speaking Tagalog]
- _
23
00:01:03,373 --> 00:01:04,341
[Chuckles]
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00:01:04,373 --> 00:01:06,676
[Groans]
25
00:01:06,709 --> 00:01:08,311
[All gasping]
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[Body thuds]
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_
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[Gasps]
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[Laughs]
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- [Speaking Tagalog]
- _
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_
33
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Was her only line, "I am your wife?"
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It was kind of her catchphrase.
35
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Look, "Puso Sa Puso"
might not have passed
36
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the Bechdel Test or anything,
37
00:01:39,109 --> 00:01:41,227
but I'm telling you...
It was a big, fat hit.
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- I loved it.
- I didn't.
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That was physically painful to watch.
40
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Like my body was rejecting
it while watching it.
41
00:01:50,115 --> 00:01:51,450
Okay, don't listen to him. He just...
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I want a physical copy so I can burn it.
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[Laughing] He's too young to realize
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how brilliant your impersonation
of Bruce Boxleitner was.
45
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You're thinking of
"Scarecrow and Mrs. King."
46
00:02:00,559 --> 00:02:02,462
I meant, um, no,
47
00:02:02,495 --> 00:02:04,564
your impersonation of Pierce Brosnan.
48
00:02:04,597 --> 00:02:06,999
I was "Remington Steele."
I was Robert Wagner.
49
00:02:07,032 --> 00:02:08,868
But look, I don't want to
dwell on the over-abundance
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00:02:08,901 --> 00:02:10,903
of '80s romantic crime procedurals.
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I just wanted you guys to see that
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I was actually famous
for something besides
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- having a legendary meltdown.
- Mm!
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The second meltdown video
is trending on Twitter again.
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What? That was two days ago.
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00:02:20,279 --> 00:02:22,215
Who's still watching that stupid thing?
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00:02:22,249 --> 00:02:23,517
Well, I mean, it got a big boost
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when it circulated through
local and national news.
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00:02:25,585 --> 00:02:26,620
How is Jim Brockmire
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yelling at a minor-league
ball game national news?
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The news now is pretty much anything
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that was on the Internet yesterday.
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[Indistinct shouting]
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Jim: This is your baptism, people!
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Bathe in the blood of the
people who have wronged you!
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And come out cleansed on the other side.
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[Groans, scoffs]
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00:02:43,904 --> 00:02:45,239
It's not a big deal.
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00:02:45,272 --> 00:02:47,507
So a couple of people
saw your new video.
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2,800,014.
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[Laughing] Holy shit!
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And 90.
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You just said 14.
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I'm sorry. I'm refreshing it.
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00:02:55,649 --> 00:02:57,417
It's addictive.
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2,800,206!
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- [Chuckles]
- 10!
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00:03:02,388 --> 00:03:04,558
Charles, I like you, but
if you keep saying numbers,
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I'm gonna take this game
bat that George Brett signed,
80
00:03:07,260 --> 00:03:08,929
"To Jim, you are where it's bat,"
81
00:03:08,962 --> 00:03:11,030
and I'm gonna tunnel it straight up...
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00:03:11,064 --> 00:03:12,566
All right. You're overreacting!
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Oh, no, hey. No, I'm not.
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You do not know what it's like
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to see the same exact look
in every stranger's eye...
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the look that says, "I
already know who you are,
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00:03:20,072 --> 00:03:22,075
and I just can't wait
for you to lose your shit again."
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This isn't like last time, Jim!
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I know.
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Last time, I could lock
myself in a motel room
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00:03:27,047 --> 00:03:29,049
and eat quaaludes
until I hit rock bottom.
92
00:03:29,082 --> 00:03:31,084
But now... This is
rock bottom. There it is.
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00:03:31,117 --> 00:03:33,419
And there's not a 'lude in sight, so...
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Now where am I supposed to go?
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00:03:35,220 --> 00:03:37,256
Last time, you were a
national personality.
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This time, no one even
knows where to find you!
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[Door closes]
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00:03:40,293 --> 00:03:42,161
We have to make sure everybody
knows where to find him.
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I can tag the location of
the stadium in the video.
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Ooh! And the home schedule.
101
00:03:46,465 --> 00:03:48,601
And if you mention the video,
you get two-for-one tickets.
102
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Wait, wait.
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Don't you feel bad about
using Jim like this?
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Aren't you guys in a
serious relationship?
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I can't let my relationship with him
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interfere with this plan!
107
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Gary and Pennsylvania Shale
are torpedoing attendance.
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00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:02,149
I need this!
109
00:04:02,181 --> 00:04:03,684
And he's tougher than he looks.
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He cries every day.
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00:04:06,619 --> 00:04:08,588
Only when he's blacked-out drunk.
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00:04:08,620 --> 00:04:10,590
And besides, he's happiest
when he's in the public eye.
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[Clicks tongue]
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- There he is!
- No, no, no. Please, no.
115
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- I don't do that.
- Sir! Please!
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[Indistinct shouting]
117
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Hey, crazy mother [Bleep]
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Do something crazy, mother [Bleep].
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I'll be right back, okay?
120
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Excuse me, folks!
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- This mother [Bleep].
- Hey!
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- [Shouting continues]
- Okay, come on, people.
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Please! All right, okay.
124
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Everybody just relax!
125
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- Hey! Hey!
- [Shouting stops]
126
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You want to see me lose my
shit? Is that what you want?
127
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That's what gets you
hard, you... piece of shit?
128
00:04:40,787 --> 00:04:43,056
[Hoverboard whirring]
129
00:04:43,088 --> 00:04:44,657
[Cheers and applause]
130
00:04:44,691 --> 00:04:46,292
Oh, God.
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Man... All right.
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00:04:47,527 --> 00:04:49,563
Sorry. I'm... Excuse me, everyone. Hi.
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00:04:49,595 --> 00:04:52,131
[Laughs]
134
00:04:52,165 --> 00:04:53,333
That's what gets you hard,
you... piece of shit?
135
00:04:53,366 --> 00:04:55,268
That's what gets you hard,
you... piece of shit?
136
00:04:55,302 --> 00:04:56,430
That's what gets you hard, you...
piece of shit?
137
00:04:56,436 --> 00:04:57,342
The hell is wrong with these assholes?
138
00:04:57,369 --> 00:04:58,437
- I'm getting mobbed down there.
- Hey, hey.
139
00:04:58,470 --> 00:05:00,239
They are not assholes.
140
00:05:00,273 --> 00:05:02,542
They just want a little bit of
heat from your Internet fame,
141
00:05:02,574 --> 00:05:04,010
like that you kid you just
screamed at downstairs.
142
00:05:04,044 --> 00:05:05,579
It just happened. How
do you know about that?
143
00:05:05,612 --> 00:05:08,148
Because that's Pussyhound14!
144
00:05:08,181 --> 00:05:09,516
He has 4 million followers on Vine.
145
00:05:09,549 --> 00:05:12,119
He uploaded the video of you just now.
146
00:05:12,152 --> 00:05:12,581
80,000 loops already.
147
00:05:12,587 --> 00:05:13,692
That's what gets you hard, you...
piece of shit?
148
00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:15,455
That's what gets you hard,
you... piece of shit?
149
00:05:15,487 --> 00:05:16,589
That's what gets you hard,
you... piece of shit?
150
00:05:16,622 --> 00:05:18,290
Oh, God. Yeah, I hate everybody.
151
00:05:18,323 --> 00:05:19,191
Hey, look.
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00:05:19,225 --> 00:05:20,393
Screaming about a 10-year-old's dick...
153
00:05:20,427 --> 00:05:21,595
that is really on brand.
154
00:05:21,628 --> 00:05:23,363
I just want to applaud you for that.
155
00:05:23,395 --> 00:05:25,306
That's what gets you hard,
you... piece of shit?
156
00:05:25,901 --> 00:05:27,636
Jim: Swing and a miss. Strike 2.
157
00:05:27,670 --> 00:05:29,905
That makes the count 2 and 2.
158
00:05:29,939 --> 00:05:31,074
You may have noticed
159
00:05:31,107 --> 00:05:33,710
that Pedro Uribe is
using a very unique bat.
160
00:05:33,742 --> 00:05:36,278
Most bats are made of maple or ash,
161
00:05:36,312 --> 00:05:39,282
but Uribe is holding a
piece of birch in his hand.
162
00:05:39,314 --> 00:05:42,584
Birch combines the strength of mahogany
163
00:05:42,617 --> 00:05:45,021
with some of the
natural give of a willow
164
00:05:45,054 --> 00:05:47,119
or, well, even a palm.
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[Door opens]
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Hey.
167
00:05:49,721 --> 00:05:51,056
Are you being intentionally boring
168
00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:53,028
so you don't end up in another video?
169
00:05:53,062 --> 00:05:54,196
No, no, no, no, no. I'm ju...
170
00:05:54,230 --> 00:05:57,435
I'm educating these fans on
the different types of wood.
171
00:05:57,536 --> 00:06:00,569
That better be vodka.
That's not water, is it?
172
00:06:00,602 --> 00:06:04,206
Hey. I don't need alcohol
to make it through the day.
173
00:06:04,239 --> 00:06:05,874
[Slurps]
174
00:06:05,908 --> 00:06:07,042
Oh, that is awful.
175
00:06:07,076 --> 00:06:09,879
Oh, my God!
176
00:06:09,912 --> 00:06:12,849
70% of the earth is
made up of that shit?
177
00:06:12,881 --> 00:06:15,117
Ugh! How do the fish do it?
178
00:06:15,150 --> 00:06:16,218
[Microphone clicks, feedback]
179
00:06:16,251 --> 00:06:18,321
[Sighs]
180
00:06:18,353 --> 00:06:19,821
Something interesting.
181
00:06:19,855 --> 00:06:21,290
Cedar is an interesting wood.
182
00:06:21,324 --> 00:06:24,593
It naturally grabs odor.
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00:06:24,626 --> 00:06:27,230
[Country music playing]
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00:06:27,263 --> 00:06:30,033
That was boring as shit, Brockmire.
185
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They won the game 14 to 6.
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Whatever. Eat a dick.
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00:06:33,201 --> 00:06:35,804
[Music continues]
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00:06:35,838 --> 00:06:37,040
He's not wrong.
189
00:06:37,073 --> 00:06:38,942
Look, I know I let you down today,
190
00:06:38,975 --> 00:06:39,876
but I have to let
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some of this attention
die down, all right?
192
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You don't know what it's
like to have the whole world
193
00:06:43,913 --> 00:06:45,581
know you for your worst qualities.
194
00:06:45,614 --> 00:06:47,115
Better than being anonymous.
195
00:06:47,148 --> 00:06:49,285
Since the divorce, my kids
won't ever call me back...
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00:06:49,317 --> 00:06:50,285
Oh, Jesus Christ, Johnny the Hat.
197
00:06:50,319 --> 00:06:52,321
I'm trying to have a
conversation over here.
198
00:06:52,355 --> 00:06:54,157
Since the kids won't
call me... My son...
199
00:06:54,189 --> 00:06:57,759
He doesn't know... He
doesn't... I'm his dad.
200
00:06:57,792 --> 00:07:01,331
[Music continues]
201
00:07:01,364 --> 00:07:03,633
What do you really want?
202
00:07:03,665 --> 00:07:06,035
What gets you out of bed in the morning?
203
00:07:06,067 --> 00:07:08,036
Uh, the urge to pee, usually.
204
00:07:08,069 --> 00:07:09,939
Bullshit.
205
00:07:09,972 --> 00:07:12,875
Deep down, you want to call
games in the majors again.
206
00:07:12,908 --> 00:07:14,910
That's what you want.
You came to America
207
00:07:14,944 --> 00:07:17,146
to crawl your way back up to the top.
208
00:07:17,179 --> 00:07:18,047
Look, even if that were true,
209
00:07:18,079 --> 00:07:20,849
this kind of publicity is not helping.
210
00:07:20,883 --> 00:07:22,084
Are you kidding?
211
00:07:22,124 --> 00:07:24,093
This publicity is the only
thing that can help!
212
00:07:24,134 --> 00:07:25,803
Well, maybe I don't
want it that way, huh?
213
00:07:25,936 --> 00:07:28,190
Well, tell me another way!
214
00:07:28,223 --> 00:07:31,793
I mean... nobody cares
215
00:07:31,826 --> 00:07:34,230
that you're good at
calling baseball games.
216
00:07:34,263 --> 00:07:35,231
What they care about is that
217
00:07:35,263 --> 00:07:39,134
you're a charismatic open wound!
218
00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:41,136
The spotlight found you again.
219
00:07:41,170 --> 00:07:42,338
If you step into it,
220
00:07:42,371 --> 00:07:45,141
you can take it anywhere you want.
221
00:07:45,174 --> 00:07:47,043
[Sighs]
222
00:07:47,076 --> 00:07:49,879
Well, I'm gonna have to think on this.
223
00:07:49,912 --> 00:07:53,016
Jim Brockmire was stuck.
224
00:07:53,049 --> 00:07:56,251
Ironically, the very
instrument of his destruction...
225
00:07:56,285 --> 00:07:59,388
the Internet... could
also be his salvation.
226
00:07:59,422 --> 00:08:00,457
But was that ironic?
227
00:08:00,489 --> 00:08:03,893
Brockmire wasn't always
sure about the definition,
228
00:08:03,925 --> 00:08:06,128
and that Alanis Morissette was no help.
229
00:08:06,162 --> 00:08:09,198
"10,000 spoons when all you need
a knife" would only be ironic
230
00:08:09,230 --> 00:08:12,802
if she was trapped inside
some kind of a knife factory.
231
00:08:12,835 --> 00:08:14,303
Staci: Does he know that
he's talking out loud?
232
00:08:14,336 --> 00:08:16,338
It's like his way of processing things.
233
00:08:16,372 --> 00:08:17,973
It'll be over soon.
234
00:08:18,006 --> 00:08:20,876
Truth was, he was
tired of his own scent.
235
00:08:20,910 --> 00:08:22,111
[Sniffs]
236
00:08:22,143 --> 00:08:24,846
"Desperation by Jim Brockmire."
237
00:08:24,879 --> 00:08:26,081
And if internet fame
238
00:08:26,114 --> 00:08:28,951
was, in fact, his golden ticket
back to the Major Leagues,
239
00:08:28,984 --> 00:08:32,155
well, he would suck Willy Wonka's dick
240
00:08:32,187 --> 00:08:34,156
just to get his hands on it.
241
00:08:34,189 --> 00:08:36,291
Johnny always wore his hat
242
00:08:36,324 --> 00:08:40,515
because it was the last
thing his kids got for him.
243
00:08:40,586 --> 00:08:42,699
Johnny always wore his hat
244
00:08:42,732 --> 00:08:44,100
'cause his kids got it for him
245
00:08:44,133 --> 00:08:46,936
on the last Father's
Day he ever saw them.
246
00:08:46,968 --> 00:08:48,203
It was used.
247
00:08:48,237 --> 00:08:49,772
Probably left in the couch cushions
248
00:08:49,804 --> 00:08:52,207
by one of his wife's sex boyfriends.
249
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:54,242
Hey, Johnny the Hat, please.
250
00:08:54,276 --> 00:08:56,813
Giving introspective monologues
in the third person...
251
00:08:56,845 --> 00:08:57,913
that's my thing.
252
00:08:57,946 --> 00:08:59,381
Sitting sadly alone over there...
253
00:08:59,414 --> 00:09:00,816
that's yours.
254
00:09:00,850 --> 00:09:02,451
I don't like my thing.
255
00:09:02,485 --> 00:09:05,818
I would like a new thing.
256
00:09:05,888 --> 00:09:09,324
That ball cannot be buried
in a Jewish cemetery
257
00:09:09,358 --> 00:09:12,846
because it just got tattooed!
258
00:09:12,908 --> 00:09:14,029
Jim: I don't see why that's funny,
259
00:09:14,062 --> 00:09:16,398
but how many hit...
hits?... does that have?
260
00:09:16,432 --> 00:09:17,966
Uh, 200,000.
261
00:09:17,999 --> 00:09:20,403
200... And that's cat-me. I'm real me.
262
00:09:20,436 --> 00:09:22,405
I ought to be calling
games again in no time!
263
00:09:22,437 --> 00:09:24,439
Yeah.
264
00:09:24,472 --> 00:09:26,341
What, why are you making that face?
265
00:09:26,374 --> 00:09:27,342
Huh?
266
00:09:27,375 --> 00:09:29,172
Oh, this is just...
This is my normal face.
267
00:09:29,257 --> 00:09:31,134
No, that's your worried
face. That's the face you make
268
00:09:31,140 --> 00:09:33,215
when I peel the labels
off my pill bottles
269
00:09:33,249 --> 00:09:34,841
and play "Chemical
Roulette" with myself.
270
00:09:34,896 --> 00:09:36,985
Uh, we're reaching the end
of our Internet-fame cycle,
271
00:09:37,018 --> 00:09:39,522
and these things move very fast.
272
00:09:39,555 --> 00:09:42,024
It starts with videos, then
memes, conventional media,
273
00:09:42,057 --> 00:09:44,202
late-night monologues, and then finally,
274
00:09:44,272 --> 00:09:47,062
if my mom's seen it, we're dead.
275
00:09:47,095 --> 00:09:48,971
[Scoffs] Well, how
long does all that take?
276
00:09:48,977 --> 00:09:50,518
Five days, a week tops.
277
00:09:50,550 --> 00:09:51,685
[Cellphone chimes]
278
00:09:52,134 --> 00:09:54,036
And my mom just sent me the link.
279
00:09:54,068 --> 00:09:55,270
- We need to hurry.
- Well, hey.
280
00:09:55,303 --> 00:09:57,973
Put me in, Coach. I
mean, uh, what's the plan?
281
00:09:58,007 --> 00:10:00,276
Okay, um, if we're going to
282
00:10:00,308 --> 00:10:01,910
immediately capitalize on your fame,
283
00:10:01,943 --> 00:10:04,012
then we need to take a shotgun approach.
284
00:10:04,046 --> 00:10:06,918
Just insert you into a bunch
of popular video formats
285
00:10:06,997 --> 00:10:08,733
like acoustic versions of songs,
286
00:10:08,766 --> 00:10:11,736
charity dares, playful
dogs with Down Syndrome.
287
00:10:11,768 --> 00:10:14,104
But if none of those
hit, then I'm afraid
288
00:10:14,137 --> 00:10:16,040
we're gonna have to start moving our way
289
00:10:16,073 --> 00:10:17,808
into creepy YouTube.
290
00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:21,244
Like ASMR.
291
00:10:21,277 --> 00:10:23,213
What is ASM...
292
00:10:23,247 --> 00:10:24,147
All right.
293
00:10:24,181 --> 00:10:27,183
Now, I'm gonna be
whispering about haircuts
294
00:10:27,217 --> 00:10:29,153
and maybe some bobcats.
295
00:10:29,185 --> 00:10:33,290
And then I'm gonna run my
hands across these beads.
296
00:10:33,324 --> 00:10:36,294
I'll be doing that for
about an hour and a half.
297
00:10:36,327 --> 00:10:37,695
Okay.
298
00:10:37,728 --> 00:10:39,030
So all of our other videos failed,
299
00:10:39,063 --> 00:10:42,133
but at least this one's
doing... fairly well.
300
00:10:42,165 --> 00:10:44,135
Somebody just commented that it
301
00:10:44,167 --> 00:10:47,704
feels like Brockmire just
gave his brain a handjob.
302
00:10:47,737 --> 00:10:51,776
Mleh. Speh.
303
00:10:51,809 --> 00:10:53,310
I'm calling it. We are done here.
304
00:10:53,343 --> 00:10:55,212
- Just...
- [Door opens]
305
00:10:55,244 --> 00:10:56,212
I got you an interview. [Chuckles]
306
00:10:56,246 --> 00:10:58,281
I got you an interview
on network television.
307
00:10:58,314 --> 00:11:00,284
Oh, my God. That's incredible!
308
00:11:00,316 --> 00:11:01,585
I mean, I wish you would have told me
309
00:11:01,618 --> 00:11:02,886
before I seduced a curtain,
310
00:11:02,920 --> 00:11:05,656
but... hey, why didn't
you think of that, huh?
311
00:11:05,689 --> 00:11:06,457
[Scoffs] I don't know.
312
00:11:06,489 --> 00:11:08,191
No one my age watches network TV.
313
00:11:08,224 --> 00:11:09,292
They're gonna fly you to New York,
314
00:11:09,325 --> 00:11:11,661
and you'll be able to tell
your side of the story.
315
00:11:11,694 --> 00:11:13,897
Oh, my God. I have been waiting 10 years
316
00:11:13,930 --> 00:11:15,098
to tell my side of the story.
317
00:11:15,132 --> 00:11:16,666
[Chuckles] I feel just like O.J.
318
00:11:16,699 --> 00:11:17,533
[Claps hands] I know it.
319
00:11:17,568 --> 00:11:19,236
This is gonna be just the thing I need
320
00:11:19,268 --> 00:11:21,171
to get myself back into baseball.
321
00:11:21,204 --> 00:11:23,007
Yeah, yeah. This might work.
322
00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:25,843
Because nobody my age
watches baseball, either.
323
00:11:25,876 --> 00:11:26,877
Shut up.
324
00:11:30,472 --> 00:11:31,372
Jules: I mean, seriously,
325
00:11:31,406 --> 00:11:34,642
it's like the wardrobe
of a Filipino gigolo.
326
00:11:34,675 --> 00:11:36,578
- You say that like it's a bad thing.
- [Chuckles]
327
00:11:36,611 --> 00:11:38,275
Hey. Wh... uh, aren't
you gonna pack my jacket?
328
00:11:38,354 --> 00:11:41,593
Am I gonna pack your
jacket? Are you crazy?
329
00:11:42,625 --> 00:11:44,494
- It's iconic.
- [Chuckles]
330
00:11:44,527 --> 00:11:47,163
It's also how I smuggle
drugs onto airplanes.
331
00:11:47,196 --> 00:11:48,298
- What?!
- Oh, yeah.
332
00:11:48,331 --> 00:11:49,432
What do you mean?
333
00:11:49,466 --> 00:11:52,502
I got a little secret
compartment right by the armpit.
334
00:11:52,536 --> 00:11:53,571
[Laughing] What?
335
00:11:53,604 --> 00:11:57,575
And 20 years of B.O. masks
the scent from the dogs.
336
00:11:57,608 --> 00:11:59,510
- No!
- Oh, yeah.
337
00:11:59,542 --> 00:12:01,176
[Chuckles]
338
00:12:01,210 --> 00:12:02,379
[Sighs]
339
00:12:02,412 --> 00:12:04,447
You know, I'm a little nervous.
340
00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:06,516
Last time I went on
national TV, it, uh...
341
00:12:06,550 --> 00:12:08,386
it did not go well.
342
00:12:08,418 --> 00:12:09,920
[Lighter clicks]
343
00:12:09,954 --> 00:12:12,023
I'm serious. [Exhales]
344
00:12:12,056 --> 00:12:13,190
This might be my last chance.
345
00:12:13,223 --> 00:12:14,625
Really. What if I...
346
00:12:14,657 --> 00:12:17,027
I screw it all up?
347
00:12:17,061 --> 00:12:19,263
Baby, you won't.
348
00:12:19,296 --> 00:12:22,032
Just remember... never
answer the question they ask.
349
00:12:22,066 --> 00:12:24,134
Answer the question you
wish they had asked.
350
00:12:24,167 --> 00:12:28,172
And at some point, stare
off in the distance,
351
00:12:28,205 --> 00:12:29,573
make your lip quiver a little bit,
352
00:12:29,605 --> 00:12:31,575
and seem like you're gonna break down,
353
00:12:31,608 --> 00:12:33,077
and then smile through it.
354
00:12:33,109 --> 00:12:35,345
'Cause they... they
just eat that shit up.
355
00:12:35,378 --> 00:12:36,346
- [Chuckles]
- Okay?
356
00:12:36,379 --> 00:12:37,915
All right.
357
00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:42,085
Hey, this things looks cleaner to me.
358
00:12:42,119 --> 00:12:43,086
Oh, yeah.
359
00:12:43,119 --> 00:12:47,590
I was able to get most
of the obvious stains out.
360
00:12:47,624 --> 00:12:50,027
Well, aren't you the sweetest thing?
361
00:12:52,028 --> 00:12:53,330
You want a hit?
362
00:12:53,364 --> 00:12:54,632
Of your B.O. joint?
363
00:12:54,665 --> 00:12:56,400
Sure, I'll take a little.
364
00:12:56,432 --> 00:12:57,601
Thought you might.
365
00:12:59,603 --> 00:13:02,340
[Horn honks]
366
00:13:02,373 --> 00:13:04,673
[Liquid pouring]
367
00:13:04,714 --> 00:13:06,650
[Chuckles] You are as advertised.
368
00:13:07,010 --> 00:13:09,312
Well, very important
to stay hydrated, Bill.
369
00:13:09,345 --> 00:13:10,447
Darling?
370
00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:12,383
I look all right?
371
00:13:12,416 --> 00:13:14,986
- Tie straight, hair good?
- Mm-hmm.
372
00:13:15,025 --> 00:13:17,462
All right. Let's roll.
373
00:13:17,488 --> 00:13:19,156
- [Clears throat]
- So,
374
00:13:19,188 --> 00:13:21,257
Jim Brockmire, how are you?
375
00:13:21,291 --> 00:13:22,292
Well, still dreaming about
376
00:13:22,326 --> 00:13:23,460
getting back to the Major Leagues.
377
00:13:23,494 --> 00:13:25,396
That's how I am, Bill Douglas.
378
00:13:25,428 --> 00:13:28,465
- Uh, how are you? [Chuckles]
- I'm... I'm fine, thanks.
379
00:13:28,499 --> 00:13:31,768
Seriously, though, Bill. I do miss it.
380
00:13:31,802 --> 00:13:32,635
[Sighs]
381
00:13:32,670 --> 00:13:34,472
I miss having the best seat in the house
382
00:13:34,504 --> 00:13:36,206
for the best game in the world
383
00:13:36,239 --> 00:13:38,743
and making every single
moment come alive for people.
384
00:13:38,776 --> 00:13:43,347
Just, uh... O-On a good day...
385
00:13:43,379 --> 00:13:44,681
[Sighs]
386
00:13:46,517 --> 00:13:48,311
387
00:13:48,389 --> 00:13:50,720
... it feels like...
you're a slice of apple
388
00:13:50,753 --> 00:13:53,590
in America's favorite
kind of pie, or something.
389
00:13:53,624 --> 00:13:54,657
[Laughs]
390
00:13:54,691 --> 00:13:56,660
What a great way to put that.
391
00:13:56,692 --> 00:13:59,263
[Both laugh]
392
00:13:59,296 --> 00:14:03,768
[Rock music playing, chatter]
393
00:14:03,801 --> 00:14:05,536
Hey! Everybody shut up!
394
00:14:05,569 --> 00:14:06,670
Jim's coming on in a few minutes.
395
00:14:06,704 --> 00:14:09,473
He might mention us on TV
and give our lives meaning.
396
00:14:09,505 --> 00:14:10,306
Hoo.
397
00:14:10,340 --> 00:14:11,542
Jim: You know, this whole experience
398
00:14:11,575 --> 00:14:13,076
had made me realize something.
399
00:14:13,109 --> 00:14:15,412
There are only three kinds
of people in America...
400
00:14:15,446 --> 00:14:18,114
rich people, poor
people, and famous people.
401
00:14:18,148 --> 00:14:19,816
Rich people are just
poor people with money.
402
00:14:19,850 --> 00:14:22,736
No, the only truly worthwhile
thing is being famous.
403
00:14:22,775 --> 00:14:24,621
And after this little interview airs,
404
00:14:24,654 --> 00:14:27,657
this famous guy is gonna
be well on his way back
405
00:14:27,691 --> 00:14:30,728
to calling Major League
baseball games again.
406
00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:32,762
[Cheers and applause]
407
00:14:32,796 --> 00:14:34,632
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
408
00:14:34,665 --> 00:14:36,267
[Chuckles]
409
00:14:36,300 --> 00:14:37,601
Shh!
410
00:14:37,633 --> 00:14:39,436
Good evening. I'm Bill Douglas.
411
00:14:39,470 --> 00:14:41,398
Tonight's surprisingly candid
412
00:14:41,437 --> 00:14:45,341
and heartfelt interview
with Jim Brockmire...
413
00:14:45,374 --> 00:14:46,710
will not be seen, as
we have breaking news.
414
00:14:46,743 --> 00:14:49,146
- What?!
- No, no, no!
415
00:14:49,178 --> 00:14:50,613
What are you talking about?!
416
00:14:50,647 --> 00:14:53,451
- Oh, you cock-swallowing turds!
- Shh.
417
00:14:53,484 --> 00:14:57,388
A Taylor Swift-Drake sex
tape has leaked online.
418
00:14:57,421 --> 00:14:58,455
[Screams]
419
00:14:58,489 --> 00:15:00,624
Some people had sex. So what?
420
00:15:00,657 --> 00:15:02,826
TMZ already has an
estimate of his dick size!
421
00:15:02,859 --> 00:15:05,162
- [Chatter]
- I'm so sorry.
422
00:15:05,195 --> 00:15:07,164
We are devoting our entire show...
423
00:15:07,196 --> 00:15:07,672
Ha!
424
00:15:07,678 --> 00:15:09,105
... to this disgusting
invasion of privacy.
425
00:15:09,133 --> 00:15:11,234
Swallow a turd!
426
00:15:11,268 --> 00:15:12,503
[Belches]
427
00:15:13,419 --> 00:15:15,688
Why did they cancel "Puso to P-Puso?"
428
00:15:15,721 --> 00:15:17,490
"Puso Sa Puso."
429
00:15:17,522 --> 00:15:19,358
Something about copyright infringement.
430
00:15:19,391 --> 00:15:20,259
I don't know.
431
00:15:20,291 --> 00:15:23,461
Robert Wagner... he's
got eyes everywhere.
432
00:15:23,494 --> 00:15:25,530
Anyway, I'm gonna die...
433
00:15:25,564 --> 00:15:28,534
alone and penniless
and in this piss puddle.
434
00:15:28,566 --> 00:15:31,469
- Hey! You're not alone!
- I'm sorry.
435
00:15:31,502 --> 00:15:34,040
Just... Just penniless
and in this piss puddle.
436
00:15:34,073 --> 00:15:35,708
[Chuckles] That's the spirit.
437
00:15:35,741 --> 00:15:38,044
I have not been this disappointed
438
00:15:38,077 --> 00:15:40,379
since I owned a
racehorse with Al Michaels
439
00:15:40,411 --> 00:15:42,882
and O.J. Simpson called Nags to Riches.
440
00:15:42,915 --> 00:15:45,083
It's 5:00 A.M. Let's go.
441
00:15:45,117 --> 00:15:47,920
[Groans] No, I want...
442
00:15:47,953 --> 00:15:49,755
I want to hear the rest of the story.
443
00:15:49,787 --> 00:15:51,456
Sorry, kid.
444
00:15:51,489 --> 00:15:53,825
Everybody always wants to
hear the end of the story.
445
00:15:53,858 --> 00:15:55,627
That's the one gift that God gave me
446
00:15:55,660 --> 00:15:57,997
that he did not wrap in shit.
447
00:15:58,030 --> 00:16:00,333
Let's get out of here.
448
00:16:00,366 --> 00:16:03,970
Too bad you can't get famous
jut for telling stories, huh?
449
00:16:05,371 --> 00:16:07,773
Wait! Hey! Wait!
450
00:16:07,805 --> 00:16:10,475
That's it! That's it!
451
00:16:10,508 --> 00:16:13,712
Listen. We need something...
452
00:16:13,746 --> 00:16:15,814
that will play to your strengths
453
00:16:15,848 --> 00:16:18,383
of loving the sound of your own voice
454
00:16:18,416 --> 00:16:21,086
and talking forever.
455
00:16:22,621 --> 00:16:25,491
Podcasts.
456
00:16:26,657 --> 00:16:30,362
It's like radio, but
it's not on the radio.
457
00:16:33,122 --> 00:16:33,955
Jim: I mean, if you'd asked me
458
00:16:33,989 --> 00:16:35,924
who's more likely to commit murder,
459
00:16:35,958 --> 00:16:38,294
I would have said Al
Michaels, not O.J. Simpson.
460
00:16:38,327 --> 00:16:39,362
[Chuckles]
461
00:16:39,395 --> 00:16:42,665
One time at the track, I
saw Al Michaels slap a dwarf
462
00:16:42,698 --> 00:16:44,785
because he did not like
the look on his face.
463
00:16:44,824 --> 00:16:47,269
I said, "Al, that's
just the man's face."
464
00:16:47,303 --> 00:16:48,414
[Sniffles]
465
00:16:48,476 --> 00:16:50,406
I don't know, there's a
lesson in there somewhere,
466
00:16:50,439 --> 00:16:51,462
but I'll be darned if I know what it is.
467
00:16:51,508 --> 00:16:53,542
Anywhoodles, I have been Jim Brockmire,
468
00:16:53,574 --> 00:16:56,244
and this has been my first podcast.
469
00:16:56,277 --> 00:16:57,913
I... Are you kidding?
470
00:16:57,947 --> 00:16:59,783
I... Uh, pl... Before we leave you,
471
00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:02,166
yet one more message from Stamps.com.
472
00:17:02,202 --> 00:17:03,337
My goodness.
473
00:17:10,241 --> 00:17:12,277
- [Pounding on door]
- Ah!
474
00:17:14,195 --> 00:17:15,297
[Groans]
475
00:17:15,330 --> 00:17:16,564
Brockmire, what are you doing?
476
00:17:16,598 --> 00:17:18,199
Shit. Sorry.
477
00:17:18,232 --> 00:17:19,602
Force of habit.
478
00:17:19,635 --> 00:17:21,604
[Pounding continues]
479
00:17:21,636 --> 00:17:22,705
Who is it?
480
00:17:22,737 --> 00:17:25,408
Charles: Jim, Jules! Open up!
481
00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:27,543
- Oh, my God.
- Look. Hey.
482
00:17:27,575 --> 00:17:30,445
Okay, I had to come
over as soon as I heard.
483
00:17:30,478 --> 00:17:34,016
- Heard what?
- "This American Life."
484
00:17:34,048 --> 00:17:37,185
Jim, come here.
485
00:17:37,218 --> 00:17:39,322
Or stay. It's okay.
486
00:17:39,354 --> 00:17:41,356
Ira Glass: This is... This is an
excerpt from Internet celebrity
487
00:17:41,390 --> 00:17:44,093
Jim Brockmire's new
podcast, "Brock Bottom."
488
00:17:44,125 --> 00:17:45,728
That's what he calls
it... it's "Brock Bottom."
489
00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:47,562
Each episode of the show includes
490
00:17:47,595 --> 00:17:50,732
everything from shameful
stories about his past
491
00:17:50,766 --> 00:17:53,335
to these improvised rants during games.
492
00:17:53,369 --> 00:17:56,205
I have to say, this is like
nothing else out there.
493
00:17:56,237 --> 00:17:58,373
I cannot recommend it highly enough.
494
00:17:58,407 --> 00:18:00,223
He likes him? That's neat.
495
00:18:00,316 --> 00:18:03,012
That guy's voice is like a human nap.
496
00:18:03,043 --> 00:18:04,513
I'm going back to bed.
497
00:18:04,545 --> 00:18:05,715
Jim, you don't get it!
498
00:18:05,747 --> 00:18:07,749
This is Ira Glass!
499
00:18:07,783 --> 00:18:10,337
He is the King Dick of non-profit media.
500
00:18:10,415 --> 00:18:13,176
Look, getting a recommendation from him
501
00:18:13,230 --> 00:18:17,144
is like... hall-of-famer...
502
00:18:17,285 --> 00:18:20,941
baseball guy saying that, um...
503
00:18:21,167 --> 00:18:24,526
other baseball person is
going to be the next great...
504
00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:27,864
[Sighs]
505
00:18:27,897 --> 00:18:29,599
- ... shortstop?
- I'm gonna have to insist
506
00:18:29,632 --> 00:18:32,267
that you learn something about baseball.
507
00:18:32,301 --> 00:18:33,903
Jim!
508
00:18:33,936 --> 00:18:36,239
Come on! He vouched for you!
509
00:18:36,272 --> 00:18:38,274
Hell, he recommended you!
510
00:18:38,306 --> 00:18:39,909
We are in the big time now.
511
00:18:39,941 --> 00:18:41,844
You may not feel it now,
but you better strap in
512
00:18:41,878 --> 00:18:44,047
'cause you're about
to feel the Glass bump.
513
00:18:44,080 --> 00:18:45,215
- That's right.
- Get out of my house.
514
00:18:45,247 --> 00:18:46,882
Okay. All right.
515
00:18:46,916 --> 00:18:49,052
- Get ready, Jim!
- Get out.
516
00:18:49,084 --> 00:18:52,588
- Get ready for it!
- Jim: Get out!
517
00:18:52,622 --> 00:18:54,356
Charles: Today, we bring you
stories of comeback kids.
518
00:18:54,390 --> 00:18:56,593
Coming up later, and your bird can sing!
519
00:18:56,625 --> 00:18:58,360
The incredible tale of one endangered
520
00:18:58,393 --> 00:19:00,229
California condor, but first...
521
00:19:00,263 --> 00:19:01,930
Blast from the Pastime...
522
00:19:01,964 --> 00:19:05,335
Can baseball save a town
destroyed by fracking?
523
00:19:05,368 --> 00:19:09,072
Jim Brockmire thinks it can.
524
00:19:09,104 --> 00:19:10,272
[Indistinct conversations]
525
00:19:10,305 --> 00:19:12,208
[Chuckles]
526
00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:13,242
Never mind.
527
00:19:13,276 --> 00:19:17,279
[Camera shutters clicking]
528
00:19:17,313 --> 00:19:19,616
Jim: Uh, hey there.
529
00:19:19,649 --> 00:19:22,252
Uh, Charles. [Clicks tongue] Hey.
530
00:19:22,285 --> 00:19:25,388
Um, who are all these bespectacled
531
00:19:25,420 --> 00:19:27,356
and ironically dressed people?
532
00:19:27,390 --> 00:19:30,093
Charles: Remember when I
told you about the Glass bump?
533
00:19:30,125 --> 00:19:32,027
You got his fans.
534
00:19:32,061 --> 00:19:34,063
Rich white people who feel
bad about being rich and white
535
00:19:34,095 --> 00:19:36,665
who want an authentic experience
that doesn't scare them.
536
00:19:36,699 --> 00:19:38,534
- Uh-huh.
- [Laughter]
537
00:19:38,566 --> 00:19:39,669
Howdy, folks.
538
00:19:39,701 --> 00:19:41,036
Woman: Hi!
539
00:19:41,070 --> 00:19:42,505
Mark!
540
00:19:42,537 --> 00:19:44,239
Find the money in the stands.
541
00:19:44,273 --> 00:19:46,242
If they're wearing a shirt for
a band you've never heard of,
542
00:19:46,275 --> 00:19:48,011
keep the beers flowing.
543
00:19:48,044 --> 00:19:50,013
Jules. What the hell is going on?
544
00:19:50,045 --> 00:19:51,980
This place looks like a god
damn Vassar College reunion.
545
00:19:52,014 --> 00:19:54,383
I don't have time for
your bullshit, Gary.
546
00:19:54,417 --> 00:19:55,985
Pennsylvania Shale may be just
547
00:19:56,017 --> 00:19:58,121
a mom-and-pop natural-gas company
548
00:19:58,153 --> 00:20:00,522
that barely makes $2 billion a year.
549
00:20:00,555 --> 00:20:02,491
But if you and Ira Glass
550
00:20:02,525 --> 00:20:04,360
think you can crush us
under the boot of NPR,
551
00:20:04,392 --> 00:20:06,562
get ready for a big surprise.
552
00:20:06,594 --> 00:20:10,098
We can fight just as dirty as...
553
00:20:10,132 --> 00:20:12,000
Nobody fights dirtier than me.
554
00:20:12,034 --> 00:20:14,536
Hey, anybody seen Brockmire?
555
00:20:14,570 --> 00:20:18,207
That was a direct hit. Direct hit.
556
00:20:18,239 --> 00:20:20,142
We are definitely not the only
Brock-Heads in our neighborhood.
557
00:20:20,176 --> 00:20:22,278
- Brock-Heads?
- We would love to lure you
558
00:20:22,311 --> 00:20:23,713
out to Brooklyn for a show.
559
00:20:23,746 --> 00:20:25,113
- Yeah.
- So, uh, honey...
560
00:20:25,147 --> 00:20:27,250
- Here.
- Jim: Okay.
561
00:20:27,283 --> 00:20:29,285
Huh. Well, thank you, folks.
562
00:20:29,317 --> 00:20:31,019
Very nice to meet both of you.
563
00:20:31,053 --> 00:20:32,421
Thank you. Thanks. Thank you.
564
00:20:32,455 --> 00:20:33,689
- [Chuckles]
- Come on, honey.
565
00:20:33,722 --> 00:20:34,990
Okay.
566
00:20:35,024 --> 00:20:36,592
- Hi.
- Oh!
567
00:20:36,624 --> 00:20:39,228
Excuse me a second.
568
00:20:39,260 --> 00:20:40,228
Hey.
569
00:20:40,262 --> 00:20:41,531
- Hey.
- Look at this!
570
00:20:41,564 --> 00:20:44,266
Can you believe this,
darling? I owe it all to you.
571
00:20:44,299 --> 00:20:47,269
Um, actually, I'm the one
who came up with the podcasts.
572
00:20:47,303 --> 00:20:48,638
Yeah, but she was the
one that convinced me
573
00:20:48,670 --> 00:20:50,006
to follow my dream, all right?
574
00:20:50,038 --> 00:20:51,574
A dream which is looking like
575
00:20:51,606 --> 00:20:54,176
it's gonna get me the hell
out of Morristown, baby.
576
00:20:54,209 --> 00:20:56,112
So we are celebrating tonight,
577
00:20:56,144 --> 00:20:58,213
and I mean big time.
578
00:20:58,247 --> 00:21:00,115
- I can't drink.
- What are you talking about?
579
00:21:00,149 --> 00:21:03,151
Uh-oh. You got one of them...
one of them UTIs again?
580
00:21:03,185 --> 00:21:04,354
You on the antibiotics? All right.
581
00:21:04,387 --> 00:21:05,588
No booze, no booze. Hey.
582
00:21:05,621 --> 00:21:07,622
We'll just stick to the yayo.
583
00:21:07,655 --> 00:21:10,025
I'm pregnant. [Chuckles]
584
00:21:12,561 --> 00:21:13,663
[Vomits]
585
00:21:13,696 --> 00:21:15,732
[Coughs]
586
00:21:20,236 --> 00:21:21,403
Oh.
587
00:21:22,737 --> 00:21:25,173
[Spits]
588
00:21:25,207 --> 00:21:27,043
Attaboy.
589
00:21:27,075 --> 00:21:28,978
[Groans]
590
00:21:32,148 --> 00:21:34,317
[Groans]
591
00:21:35,316 --> 00:21:38,320
- [Vomits]
- [People gasping]
592
00:21:38,353 --> 00:21:40,055
Sorry.
593
00:21:40,089 --> 00:21:41,424
Oh, Jesus.
594
00:21:41,457 --> 00:21:42,691
[Coughs]
595
00:21:42,725 --> 00:21:44,761
- Get out of here!
- [Spits]
596
00:21:44,797 --> 00:21:48,864
Synced and corrected by Dragoniod for
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597
00:21:48,914 --> 00:21:53,464
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