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Jim: So, folks, welcome
back to the bottom half
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of the eighth inning,
or as it's better known,
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the Gerry's Gelatin Home Run Inning.
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Gerry's Gelatin... nutritious,
delicious, and fun.
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G-G-G-Gerry's.
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If someone knocks one out of the park
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in a long Italian boat, for a gondola,
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Dan Hobert of Sedalia's
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gonna win a six-month supply
of gelatin, so good luck, Dan.
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You know, folks, the great
Vin Scully once told me
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that the only way to
call a baseball game
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00:00:27,823 --> 00:00:29,724
is to keep your eyes open
and to tell the truth.
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00:00:29,725 --> 00:00:32,995
As Iba?ez swings and misses
at a fastball, 0 and 1.
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00:00:40,970 --> 00:00:43,838
[Sighs]
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00:00:43,839 --> 00:00:45,373
Folks, here's the truth...
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00:00:45,374 --> 00:00:48,743
Today is the 20th anniversary
of the very first time
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that I told my lovely wife
Lucy that I loved her.
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00:00:51,447 --> 00:00:53,682
And ever since that
day, as many of you know,
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I've signed off every single
game the exact same way,
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with a message to her.
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Lucy, put supper on the stove, my dear,
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because this ball game is over,
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00:01:01,757 --> 00:01:03,825
as Pedro delivers a
slider into the dirt.
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00:01:03,826 --> 00:01:07,062
Count evens, 1 and 1.
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Any-hoos, I had some time at
the ball park this afternoon
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to reflect upon this
wonderful anniversary
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as Iba?ez slashes one
foul into the right side.
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And I decided to go on home
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and surprise my wife
Lucy with some gardenias.
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They're her favorite flower.
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[Crowd cheering]
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Please imagine my surprise
when I opened my front door
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to find about a half-dozen naked folks
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sprawled out in my living room,
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engaged in what can only be described
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as a desperate and a hungry
account of a love-making,
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and right in the center
of it all was my wi...
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My wife, Lucy.
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[Crowd booing]
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She was wearing a strap-on,
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and she was plowing our
neighbor, Bob Greenwald,
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and folks, I do mean right in the ass.
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Fastball misses. Just low.
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Count goes full 3 and 2.
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Did he just say "strap-on?"
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Hey, for you kids at home,
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a strap-on is a belt with a dildo on it
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that mommies use to penetrate daddies
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00:02:05,688 --> 00:02:08,890
as Iba?ez strikes out
on a high fastball.
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00:02:08,891 --> 00:02:10,358
That'll bring Clark up to bat.
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Clark having himself a heck of
an afternoon with two doubles.
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Bob Greenwald. Bob Greenwald!
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I mean, that two-faced S.O.B.
I hosted his kid's Bar Mitzvah.
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I hosted his kid's Bar Mitzvah!
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Here's the kicker. Here's what kills me.
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My wife Lucy has the stone,
she has the unmitigated gall
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to turn to me and tell me
that she is a sexual astronaut.
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I mean, what is that?
What does that even mean?
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I mean, granted, Bob Greenwald's ass
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might be as big as the goddamn moon.
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That does not mean that my wife
has been to outer space, okay?
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00:02:42,158 --> 00:02:45,393
And that is a deep fly
ball to right center field.
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- That one is way back there!
- Jim! Jim!
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That's either out of here
or lost inside my wife's
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big, fat, cheating vagina!
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Congratulations, Dan Hobert of Sedalia.
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I only hope you enjoy
gelatin half as much
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as my lovely wife enjoys...
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[Beep]
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[Distorted organ music plays]
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Jim! Just call the game!
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I am calling the goddamn game.
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Jim! Calm down, Jim!
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God damn! No, why don't you calm down?
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[Grunts]
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[Mutters]
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Whore!
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[Cries]
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You people be professional!
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Gerry's Gelatin...
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delicious, nutritious, and fun.
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G-G-G-Gerry's.
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[Distorted voices]
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[Brakes screech, engine idles]
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[Brakes hiss, engine revs]
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Today might say Spring on the calendar,
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00:03:42,918 --> 00:03:45,687
but Old Man Winter is
still reaching his hand
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00:03:45,688 --> 00:03:49,757
inside your coat and giving
one last squeeze, isn't he?
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Still...
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00:03:51,227 --> 00:03:55,029
Anything beats that three-hour
bus ride from Pittsburgh.
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Very difficult not to get claustrophobic
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around all of that concentrated sadness.
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And as a result,
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Brockmire's gonna reach
for the doobie early.
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[Coughs]
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00:04:19,288 --> 00:04:22,857
Well. Let's see who we have
in attendance here today.
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[Dogs growling]
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00:04:24,527 --> 00:04:28,931
I see we have some feral dogs.
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And a boy with a gun.
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And Brockmire is officially disturbed.
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[Clicks tongue]
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Oh, shit!
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- Jim Brockmire?
- Yeah.
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I'm Julia James. I'm the owner
of the team here in Morristown.
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Yeah. Ms. James...
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00:04:51,954 --> 00:04:52,887
Oh, call me Jules.
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Whatever. Um, fire.
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Yeah, we get those around here.
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Are you ready to get started?
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What can I grab?
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Uh, careful.
113
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You're wearing your jacket! [Laughs]
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Welcome to the minor
leagues, Jim Brockmire.
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[Coughs]
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Oh, what is that smell?
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Oh, that's waster water
from the fracking runoff.
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00:05:18,881 --> 00:05:21,216
To, um... To get natural
gas from the shale,
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they have to pump all kinds
of nasty shit into the ground.
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Where do they do all that?
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Right here.
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Here, right now, where we are?
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Well, here, there.
125
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Pretty much everywhere
beneath Morristown.
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00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:33,036
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00:05:33,052 --> 00:05:35,930
One of the perks of owning
the bar... no corkage.
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Keep it Brockmire.
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Mm-hmm.
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[Sighs]
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Mnh.
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On the phone, you said you haven't been
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back to the states since the, um...
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In a long time.
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No, I've been spanning the globe.
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I've been calling every kind
of sporting event that exists.
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Finally, I would up in Manila
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where I've been calling the
cock fights on television.
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Ah, what the hell?
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I figure by now I'm just a joke
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that everybody's forgotten about.
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[Laughing] Yeah, right.
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Are you serious?
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Do you not use the Internet?
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No, I don't bother with that thing.
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If I need porn, I just buy a nudie mag,
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like my father and
his father before him.
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Okay, so, "Keepin' it Brockmire",
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that means nothing to you?
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00:06:22,778 --> 00:06:23,812
Should it?
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00:06:30,986 --> 00:06:33,022
[Sighs]
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Try to look past the wear and tear
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to the reservoir of charm underneath.
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It should be like looking in the mirror.
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[Scoffs]
156
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This is it, and this is Charles.
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He'll be, uh...
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00:06:53,275 --> 00:06:55,176
He'll be helping you
with your broadcasts.
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00:06:55,177 --> 00:06:56,794
All right.
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00:06:56,841 --> 00:07:00,381
Well, may I ask your
qualifications, son?
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He's, uh, basically
an Internet whiz kid.
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00:07:04,486 --> 00:07:06,387
Uh, yeah. I, um...
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00:07:06,388 --> 00:07:08,389
I have the most Twitter
followers in town.
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I, uh, have over 4 million
Vine loops in total.
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00:07:12,494 --> 00:07:15,697
DJ Khaled once shouted
me out on a jet ski.
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All right. Where's my actual
radio producer, though?
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00:07:19,735 --> 00:07:22,370
Currently, we don't
have a radio contract.
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00:07:22,371 --> 00:07:25,540
Well, then who am I broadcasting to?
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You'll be doing exclusive play-by-play
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to the stadium that people
pay admission to hear.
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I'm the P.A. announcer?
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Darling, on the phone,
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you promised me a multi-platform
distribution dealy.
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Yeah, that was kind a
euphemism for the Internet
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where Charles here
will be uploading clips
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00:07:44,226 --> 00:07:45,526
of your broadcasts.
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00:07:45,527 --> 00:07:46,761
Yeah. I, um...
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I've been working on keeping
my hand really steady.
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Um, you lied to me.
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00:07:51,166 --> 00:07:53,000
I hustled you. There's a difference.
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- [Chuckles]
- Hey. Hey!
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I didn't just take a 12-hour plane ride
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00:07:56,205 --> 00:07:57,839
to get a semantics lesson, all right?
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00:07:57,855 --> 00:08:00,096
And who in the world is
gonna watch video clips of me
185
00:08:00,102 --> 00:08:02,961
on the Innernet?
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00:08:03,024 --> 00:08:05,513
He's never seen any of them.
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- Well, you know what? Pull one up.
- How... How is that?
188
00:08:07,316 --> 00:08:09,183
Yeah, he doesn't own a computer.
189
00:08:09,184 --> 00:08:10,381
Can you... Let's just show him.
190
00:08:10,404 --> 00:08:12,487
It'll be easier if we just show you.
191
00:08:12,503 --> 00:08:13,541
Show me w-what?
192
00:08:13,621 --> 00:08:14,721
I'll do the conference room one.
193
00:08:14,722 --> 00:08:15,455
Oh, yeah, that's good.
194
00:08:15,456 --> 00:08:16,856
It's my favorite, anyway.
195
00:08:16,857 --> 00:08:19,592
I want to apologize to
the people of Kansas City,
196
00:08:19,593 --> 00:08:23,162
and most importantly, to my wife Lucy,
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00:08:23,163 --> 00:08:24,530
who I can still smell.
198
00:08:24,531 --> 00:08:27,333
I think she's... Yeah,
she's... she's in my jacket.
199
00:08:27,334 --> 00:08:30,036
Excuse me. Please, bear with me.
200
00:08:30,037 --> 00:08:31,671
I'd like to apologize to the people...
201
00:08:31,672 --> 00:08:34,274
No, it's... I can still smell her.
202
00:08:34,275 --> 00:08:35,975
She's in my shirt.
203
00:08:35,976 --> 00:08:36,809
[Beep]
204
00:08:36,810 --> 00:08:38,444
I can still smell her.
205
00:08:38,445 --> 00:08:41,281
I can't do this if I can smell her.
206
00:08:41,282 --> 00:08:44,450
Lucy, you are not a whore.
Whores get paid money.
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00:08:44,451 --> 00:08:46,419
You are a slut.
208
00:08:46,420 --> 00:08:48,129
A dirty, dirty slut.
209
00:08:48,207 --> 00:08:51,691
I apologize for that, too.
Why can I still smell her?
210
00:08:51,692 --> 00:08:53,893
Well, she's in my skin, is why.
211
00:08:53,894 --> 00:08:55,028
No, no. Kevin. I've got it.
212
00:08:55,029 --> 00:08:57,297
Anyway. So...
213
00:08:57,298 --> 00:08:59,432
Mm. 10 years ago,
214
00:08:59,433 --> 00:09:02,468
your breakdown in the booth
and... and press conference
215
00:09:02,469 --> 00:09:05,071
were like the original viral videos.
216
00:09:05,072 --> 00:09:07,106
So that's pretty neat. Right?
217
00:09:07,107 --> 00:09:09,242
- I mean...
- There's a lady on my face!
218
00:09:09,243 --> 00:09:11,244
Are you kidding me? There's a lady...
219
00:09:11,245 --> 00:09:13,179
[Sobbing]
220
00:09:13,180 --> 00:09:14,814
[Laughs] I'm so... I'm sorry.
221
00:09:14,815 --> 00:09:16,883
That... That part, it always gets me.
222
00:09:16,884 --> 00:09:19,719
Steve! There's a lady on my face!
223
00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:21,120
All right, just get it
off. Get it off, please.
224
00:09:21,121 --> 00:09:22,190
Get it off of where?
225
00:09:22,237 --> 00:09:23,346
Make it go away.
226
00:09:23,385 --> 00:09:24,588
Well, I can't.
227
00:09:24,612 --> 00:09:26,459
No, don't pause... Just get it...
228
00:09:26,460 --> 00:09:28,108
- Get it off of there.
- Hey, the thing is,
229
00:09:28,162 --> 00:09:30,209
I can't get it off 'cause
it's on the Internet.
230
00:09:30,327 --> 00:09:33,762
- So it's... it's forever.
- It's permanent.
231
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:36,949
So people just watch videos
of the worst moments of my life
232
00:09:37,066 --> 00:09:38,867
and just laugh at my pain?
233
00:09:38,868 --> 00:09:41,536
- No.
- Yes.
234
00:09:41,537 --> 00:09:43,204
Oh, my God. I mean, you know,
235
00:09:43,205 --> 00:09:45,507
I thought I hit rock bottom
in a handicapped stall
236
00:09:45,508 --> 00:09:49,010
in Bangkok when a Thai lady-boy
snorted crank off my Johnson
237
00:09:49,011 --> 00:09:51,779
while a sunburned German
watched us on the toilet.
238
00:09:51,780 --> 00:09:53,314
[Whistles] There he is.
239
00:09:53,315 --> 00:09:54,149
[Huffs]
240
00:09:54,150 --> 00:09:55,350
You can still paint a picture.
241
00:09:55,351 --> 00:09:58,786
Yeah, but that... That
is a good deal worse.
242
00:09:58,787 --> 00:09:59,954
Brockmire, listen to me.
243
00:09:59,955 --> 00:10:01,156
[Sighs]
244
00:10:01,157 --> 00:10:02,991
That is not what you're
gonna be remembered for.
245
00:10:02,992 --> 00:10:04,959
Trust me. I have a plan.
246
00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:06,461
Uh, quick question.
247
00:10:06,462 --> 00:10:09,364
So, the... the German guy...
248
00:10:09,365 --> 00:10:12,834
Was he on the toilet or was
he, like, on the toilet?
249
00:10:12,835 --> 00:10:14,836
The guys are dying to meet you!
250
00:10:14,837 --> 00:10:17,139
Uh, let's head down to the locker room.
251
00:10:20,910 --> 00:10:21,743
There's a lady on my face!
252
00:10:21,744 --> 00:10:22,877
[Laughs]
253
00:10:22,878 --> 00:10:25,313
Okay? There's a lady on my face!
254
00:10:25,314 --> 00:10:26,981
There's a lady on my face, Kevin.
255
00:10:26,982 --> 00:10:28,216
Oh, Kevin!
256
00:10:28,217 --> 00:10:29,752
There's a lady on my face!
257
00:10:30,986 --> 00:10:33,821
- [Knocking on door]
- Hey! Everybody decent?
258
00:10:33,822 --> 00:10:35,990
[Whistling, cat-calling]
259
00:10:35,991 --> 00:10:38,560
Damn, boss. Why you dressed up today?
260
00:10:38,561 --> 00:10:40,361
What? I'm not!
261
00:10:40,362 --> 00:10:43,131
This will be your legacy.
262
00:10:43,132 --> 00:10:46,768
Calling Morristown's
magical 2017 season.
263
00:10:46,769 --> 00:10:48,169
Guys, no smoking. Come on.
264
00:10:48,170 --> 00:10:50,104
I-I'm sorry, but am
I... am I supposed to be
265
00:10:50,105 --> 00:10:51,139
impressed by this?
266
00:10:51,140 --> 00:10:53,374
I convinced Major
League players, coaches,
267
00:10:53,375 --> 00:10:54,709
and one legendary broadcaster
268
00:10:54,710 --> 00:10:56,477
to come to Morristown, Pennsylvania.
269
00:10:56,478 --> 00:10:58,213
Heck yeah, you should be impressed!
270
00:10:58,214 --> 00:11:00,848
No. No!
271
00:11:00,849 --> 00:11:02,850
She's on my face. [Chuckles]
272
00:11:02,851 --> 00:11:04,185
Lady on my face!
273
00:11:04,186 --> 00:11:05,687
- That's the guy!
- Brockmire!
274
00:11:05,688 --> 00:11:07,188
[All clamoring]
275
00:11:07,189 --> 00:11:09,891
- Guys, no!
- [Laughter]
276
00:11:09,892 --> 00:11:12,928
[Indistinct shouting]
277
00:11:18,834 --> 00:11:20,268
Julia: Wait! Brockmire,
278
00:11:20,269 --> 00:11:22,805
the bus doesn't even
leave till tomorrow!
279
00:11:27,042 --> 00:11:30,912
Hey.
280
00:11:30,913 --> 00:11:34,115
I know a place where
you can drink for free.
281
00:11:34,116 --> 00:11:36,417
282
00:11:36,418 --> 00:11:38,219
[Sighs]
283
00:11:38,220 --> 00:11:41,789
And by free, I meant well
drinks with half-off top shelf.
284
00:11:41,790 --> 00:11:45,187
The silent treatment? Really?
285
00:11:45,218 --> 00:11:47,195
Okay.
286
00:11:47,196 --> 00:11:48,463
While I have the floor,
287
00:11:48,464 --> 00:11:50,565
I'd like to direct your
attention to the memorial
288
00:11:50,566 --> 00:11:52,433
my father made to his favorite player.
289
00:11:52,434 --> 00:11:55,370
"Pops" himself, Willie
Stargell. I'm 8 years old.
290
00:11:55,371 --> 00:11:56,771
He pulls me out of school
in the middle of the day
291
00:11:56,772 --> 00:11:58,873
to see Pops' last game.
292
00:11:58,874 --> 00:12:02,644
He tells my teachers, "When God retires,
293
00:12:02,645 --> 00:12:05,813
the least you could do is
give him a round of applause."
294
00:12:05,814 --> 00:12:07,949
We had seats down the first base line.
295
00:12:07,950 --> 00:12:10,585
Pops got his last hit
right in front of us.
296
00:12:10,586 --> 00:12:12,720
Just a little squib back to the pitcher.
297
00:12:12,721 --> 00:12:15,156
Guy's a Hall of Famer,
but in that moment,
298
00:12:15,157 --> 00:12:17,525
he's just an overweight,
299
00:12:17,526 --> 00:12:19,060
middle-aged man in yellow spandex
300
00:12:19,061 --> 00:12:21,996
hustling to beat out an infield single.
301
00:12:21,997 --> 00:12:24,299
And it taught me a
lesson I never forgot.
302
00:12:24,300 --> 00:12:25,533
You do whatever you can
303
00:12:25,534 --> 00:12:27,736
to accomplish what you can when you can.
304
00:12:33,542 --> 00:12:35,243
[Gulps, sighs]
305
00:12:35,244 --> 00:12:38,246
I sold my house and took out
a second mortgage on the bar
306
00:12:38,247 --> 00:12:40,680
to buy the Frackers, and
I did it for one reason.
307
00:12:40,686 --> 00:12:44,155
It's the same reason you
flew 9,000 miles to be here.
308
00:12:44,386 --> 00:12:49,224
Neither of us can imagine
a life without baseball.
309
00:12:55,998 --> 00:13:00,568
"Frackers" is a very stupid
name for a baseball team.
310
00:13:00,569 --> 00:13:05,054
Yeah? Well, before this, we
were the Morristown Savages,
311
00:13:05,060 --> 00:13:07,952
and our mascot was a little
baseball with a headdress
312
00:13:08,070 --> 00:13:09,471
who rolled around drunk.
313
00:13:09,472 --> 00:13:11,440
So Frackers is an upgrade.
314
00:13:13,709 --> 00:13:16,012
I hung out with Pops once or twice.
315
00:13:17,601 --> 00:13:18,601
What?!
316
00:13:18,814 --> 00:13:20,248
Bury the lead!
317
00:13:20,249 --> 00:13:22,684
What was he like?
318
00:13:22,685 --> 00:13:24,085
Pops?
319
00:13:24,086 --> 00:13:25,921
He made you feel like
you could climb Everest,
320
00:13:25,922 --> 00:13:28,757
as long as he was in front
of you throwing down the rope.
321
00:13:28,758 --> 00:13:31,359
See? That's the kind of
stuff you need to be saying
322
00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:33,328
into a microphone at one of my games.
323
00:13:33,329 --> 00:13:35,030
[Scoffs]
324
00:13:35,031 --> 00:13:36,765
Don't go back to Manila.
325
00:13:36,766 --> 00:13:38,466
Besides, it'd be pointless.
326
00:13:38,467 --> 00:13:40,802
You can't run away from the
truth now that you've heard it.
327
00:13:40,803 --> 00:13:43,805
[Breathes deeply]
328
00:13:43,806 --> 00:13:46,108
Stay here.
329
00:13:47,777 --> 00:13:49,778
You know what?
330
00:13:49,779 --> 00:13:53,348
You are absolutely right, Ms. James.
331
00:13:53,349 --> 00:13:56,585
Of course I am.
332
00:13:56,586 --> 00:13:58,553
About which part?
333
00:13:58,554 --> 00:14:01,089
Ignorance is no longer an option for me.
334
00:14:01,090 --> 00:14:05,794
I need to know everything,
and I need to know it now.
335
00:14:05,795 --> 00:14:08,363
[Sighs] At this point,
you're a way of life.
336
00:14:08,364 --> 00:14:09,931
People "keep it Brockmire."
337
00:14:09,932 --> 00:14:13,001
Yeah. I keep seeing pictures
of tattoos that say that.
338
00:14:13,002 --> 00:14:13,811
What is that?
339
00:14:13,860 --> 00:14:15,460
Yeah, well, Drake started it.
340
00:14:15,571 --> 00:14:18,473
"She was a 7, but I still
set her pussy on fire,
341
00:14:18,474 --> 00:14:20,141
You know your boy keep it Brockmire."
342
00:14:20,142 --> 00:14:22,677
343
00:14:22,678 --> 00:14:24,412
B... You're a legend.
344
00:14:24,413 --> 00:14:29,284
Who care if it's because your
wife Lucy'd Bob Greenwald?
345
00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:31,087
I'm sorry, my wife what?
346
00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:35,957
Mnh.
347
00:14:35,958 --> 00:14:38,760
"Lucy'd" is slang
348
00:14:38,761 --> 00:14:43,164
for when a woman
349
00:14:43,165 --> 00:14:46,701
does a man in the butt.
350
00:14:46,702 --> 00:14:49,237
[Indistinct conversations]
351
00:14:49,238 --> 00:14:51,539
[Horn honks in distance]
352
00:14:51,540 --> 00:14:53,542
[Pool balls click]
353
00:14:57,680 --> 00:14:59,347
[Bell rings]
354
00:14:59,348 --> 00:15:00,882
You want to get high?
355
00:15:00,883 --> 00:15:03,251
So I need stimulants to outrun
356
00:15:03,252 --> 00:15:04,986
the waves of depression
357
00:15:04,987 --> 00:15:08,089
currently approaching
high tide in my body.
358
00:15:08,090 --> 00:15:11,259
So we're chewing some khat here.
359
00:15:11,260 --> 00:15:13,896
This is a habit that
I picked up in Yemen.
360
00:15:17,233 --> 00:15:19,169
Are you bitching out on me?
Is that what you're doing?
361
00:15:19,196 --> 00:15:20,857
Psht.
362
00:15:22,638 --> 00:15:23,938
Just chew it up there.
363
00:15:23,939 --> 00:15:26,007
[Scoffs]
364
00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:28,710
There you go.
365
00:15:28,711 --> 00:15:30,745
Son, I have a question for you.
366
00:15:30,792 --> 00:15:33,948
And I'd like you to,
uh, keep it Brockmire.
367
00:15:33,949 --> 00:15:35,684
Mm-hmm.
368
00:15:35,685 --> 00:15:37,819
You think I'm ever gonna
be remembered for anything
369
00:15:37,820 --> 00:15:42,023
except for the worst moments of my life?
370
00:15:42,024 --> 00:15:46,294
They got you on video, dude... Twice.
371
00:15:46,295 --> 00:15:48,997
You're Brutal Brockmire
till the day you die.
372
00:15:48,998 --> 00:15:52,773
[Laughs]
373
00:15:52,851 --> 00:15:54,752
Yeah, that's what I thought.
374
00:15:55,004 --> 00:15:58,168
[Thunder rumbling]
375
00:15:58,197 --> 00:15:59,831
You know, I don't feel anything.
376
00:16:00,004 --> 00:16:02,047
Oh, just give it time.
377
00:16:02,250 --> 00:16:03,511
378
00:16:03,512 --> 00:16:05,613
Whoo! This is fun!
379
00:16:05,614 --> 00:16:06,715
Fun!
380
00:16:06,721 --> 00:16:08,321
Fu-u-u-u-un!
381
00:16:08,410 --> 00:16:11,453
Yeah, khat is somewhere
between 10 cups of coffee
382
00:16:11,454 --> 00:16:13,688
and very low-grade cocaine, so...
383
00:16:13,694 --> 00:16:15,851
It's my first time on a baseball field!
384
00:16:15,907 --> 00:16:17,507
Fun!
385
00:16:17,626 --> 00:16:19,294
How's that even possible?
386
00:16:19,295 --> 00:16:21,329
Because baseball is one
of those old-timey things
387
00:16:21,330 --> 00:16:24,566
you don't need anymore,
like cursive or e-mail!
388
00:16:24,567 --> 00:16:25,567
[Exhale sharply]
389
00:16:25,568 --> 00:16:28,570
Stop! Right now. Freeze.
390
00:16:28,571 --> 00:16:31,373
It's August 16, 1920.
391
00:16:31,374 --> 00:16:33,074
Ray Chapman of the Cleveland Indians
392
00:16:33,075 --> 00:16:36,211
steps into the batter's box at
New York to face the Yankees.
393
00:16:36,212 --> 00:16:37,712
He looks out at the pitcher,
394
00:16:37,713 --> 00:16:40,243
but in the afternoon
light of the Polo Grounds,
395
00:16:40,290 --> 00:16:43,126
the infield is just
totally bathed in shadow.
396
00:16:43,386 --> 00:16:46,256
Pitcher wound up and
he delivered the ball,
397
00:16:46,351 --> 00:16:48,652
but that ball had
been rubbed and covered
398
00:16:48,653 --> 00:16:52,322
in tobacco and dirt,
hell, even some licorice,
399
00:16:52,323 --> 00:16:55,859
till it just exactly as
dark as the infield shadows
400
00:16:55,860 --> 00:16:58,200
that complete hid it from Ray Chapman.
401
00:16:58,225 --> 00:16:59,392
- Bam!
- Aah!
402
00:16:59,463 --> 00:17:01,864
Down he went! He got
hit right in the temple!
403
00:17:02,233 --> 00:17:03,267
Never saw it coming.
404
00:17:03,268 --> 00:17:05,502
He died right there,
right at home plate!
405
00:17:05,503 --> 00:17:08,438
W-Why... Why... Why
are you telling me this?
406
00:17:08,439 --> 00:17:10,391
I'm high and very fragile right now.
407
00:17:10,438 --> 00:17:15,045
Why would you tell me an awful
story in which some guy dies?!
408
00:17:15,046 --> 00:17:17,281
The thing is, was it awful, though?
409
00:17:17,282 --> 00:17:20,884
Think about it... Ray Chapman
spent his last moments on Earth
410
00:17:20,885 --> 00:17:26,290
playing a wonderful game
on a warm summer afternoon.
411
00:17:26,291 --> 00:17:29,459
And is there a better
way to go out than that?
412
00:17:29,460 --> 00:17:31,395
[Vomits]
413
00:17:31,396 --> 00:17:33,196
[Coughs]
414
00:17:33,197 --> 00:17:36,867
Well, that's just a waste of good khat.
415
00:17:36,868 --> 00:17:37,701
[Spits]
416
00:17:37,702 --> 00:17:40,738
417
00:17:44,008 --> 00:17:47,377
I'm really glad you decided to stay.
418
00:17:47,378 --> 00:17:49,088
Today's gonna be a big day.
419
00:17:49,140 --> 00:17:50,473
Oh, yes, indeed,
420
00:17:50,748 --> 00:17:54,017
'cause I decided to call
one final baseball game
421
00:17:54,018 --> 00:17:56,620
and then kill myself.
422
00:17:56,621 --> 00:17:59,223
Please give that suicide
note to Lucy after I'm gone.
423
00:18:04,662 --> 00:18:06,486
It just says [bleep] you.
424
00:18:06,492 --> 00:18:09,634
She'll know what it's regardin'.
425
00:18:10,501 --> 00:18:12,520
[Feedback] Jim: All right, two outs now.
426
00:18:12,526 --> 00:18:14,434
Bottom of the eighth.
Or as I used to know it,
427
00:18:14,473 --> 00:18:16,762
the Gerry's Gelatin Home Run Inning.
428
00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:18,741
Let's go, Frackers!
429
00:18:18,742 --> 00:18:20,376
Hey, a fun fact, folks.
430
00:18:20,377 --> 00:18:23,779
Gelatin is made from the bones
of slaughtered cows and pigs,
431
00:18:23,780 --> 00:18:26,782
which are then crushed
and treatment with acids
432
00:18:26,783 --> 00:18:30,886
and chemicals until they reduce
to a fine collagen powder.
433
00:18:30,887 --> 00:18:33,822
Fastball just catches the
inside corner, 0 and 1.
434
00:18:33,823 --> 00:18:36,291
I ask you, Morristown,
what kind of a creature
435
00:18:36,292 --> 00:18:38,861
doesn't just kill its
prey, but then uses science
436
00:18:38,862 --> 00:18:41,030
to rob it of its very living essence?
437
00:18:41,031 --> 00:18:43,766
Stevens just misses with
a breaking ball outside.
438
00:18:43,767 --> 00:18:45,200
Count evens, 1 and 1.
439
00:18:45,201 --> 00:18:47,136
Make no mistake.
440
00:18:47,137 --> 00:18:49,638
There's nothing decent
about human beings, folks.
441
00:18:49,639 --> 00:18:52,541
No objective, definable form of good.
442
00:18:52,542 --> 00:18:53,842
Not really a soul.
443
00:18:53,843 --> 00:18:55,878
More like the absence of a soul.
444
00:18:55,879 --> 00:19:01,083
Juuuuuuuust blackness.
445
00:19:01,084 --> 00:19:05,454
So, if you want to stare into
the gaping yawn of oblivion,
446
00:19:05,455 --> 00:19:06,755
don't look up to the heavens.
447
00:19:06,756 --> 00:19:07,890
No, no.
448
00:19:07,891 --> 00:19:09,825
Just look squarely into the mirror.
449
00:19:09,826 --> 00:19:11,660
Strike 3!
450
00:19:11,661 --> 00:19:13,128
Strike 3 called, and
that'll end the eighth.
451
00:19:13,129 --> 00:19:14,763
What the hell was that, Brockmire?!
452
00:19:14,764 --> 00:19:15,899
I'm trying to focus here!
453
00:19:18,935 --> 00:19:20,769
Enough of the kid glove shit, okay?
454
00:19:20,770 --> 00:19:23,305
So, boo-hoo, your wife
Lucy'd your neighbor.
455
00:19:23,306 --> 00:19:24,706
That's just a word everybody uses?
456
00:19:24,707 --> 00:19:26,508
Babies, grandmas, just everybody?
457
00:19:26,509 --> 00:19:30,379
Personally, when I stare into
the gaping yawn of oblivion,
458
00:19:30,380 --> 00:19:31,680
or whatever you were talking about,
459
00:19:31,681 --> 00:19:33,182
I ball my fists and take a swing!
460
00:19:33,183 --> 00:19:34,316
Well, hey, good for you.
461
00:19:34,317 --> 00:19:36,085
If you're gonna eat a bullet, so be it.
462
00:19:36,086 --> 00:19:37,286
Nobody here's gonna stop you.
463
00:19:37,287 --> 00:19:38,587
Well, no, no, no. I love naps,
464
00:19:38,588 --> 00:19:40,756
so it's pills with a
bag over my head for me.
465
00:19:40,757 --> 00:19:43,158
Might even draw a little
smiley face on the bag,
466
00:19:43,159 --> 00:19:45,194
add a sense of whimsy
to the proceedings.
467
00:19:45,195 --> 00:19:47,162
Whatever way you want
to do it, sounds great.
468
00:19:47,163 --> 00:19:49,698
But if you go, you're gonna
miss a hell of a season.
469
00:19:49,699 --> 00:19:51,700
Darling, I have seen enough baseball
470
00:19:51,701 --> 00:19:53,302
to last me 100 lifetimes.
471
00:19:53,303 --> 00:19:56,406
"Darling," you've never
seen anything like this.
472
00:19:58,041 --> 00:20:00,008
[Feedback]
473
00:20:00,009 --> 00:20:01,276
All right.
474
00:20:01,277 --> 00:20:02,878
Stepping in to pinch-hit now
475
00:20:02,879 --> 00:20:05,981
for the Frackers is
former competitive eater,
476
00:20:05,982 --> 00:20:07,449
Fatty Boombalatty.
477
00:20:07,450 --> 00:20:09,885
That's right, I said Fatty Boombalatty.
478
00:20:09,886 --> 00:20:11,820
And at 400 pounds,
479
00:20:11,821 --> 00:20:13,755
he is officially the fattest player
480
00:20:13,756 --> 00:20:15,057
in the history of baseball.
481
00:20:15,058 --> 00:20:16,825
Folks, that's no small feat
482
00:20:16,826 --> 00:20:18,193
because fat guys have
been a part of this game
483
00:20:18,194 --> 00:20:19,061
from the beginning.
484
00:20:19,062 --> 00:20:20,429
Babe Ruth himself,
485
00:20:20,430 --> 00:20:22,097
the very greatest of the greats,
486
00:20:22,098 --> 00:20:24,333
was also a big, fat piece of shit,
487
00:20:24,334 --> 00:20:27,970
so wonderful bit of history
we are looking at here.
488
00:20:27,971 --> 00:20:29,906
Ah, here comes the pitch.
489
00:20:30,555 --> 00:20:31,573
[Groans]
490
00:20:31,574 --> 00:20:32,975
Whew! Ouch.
491
00:20:32,976 --> 00:20:34,810
Well, that was nothing
if not predictable.
492
00:20:34,811 --> 00:20:36,645
And as he makes his way to first,
493
00:20:36,646 --> 00:20:39,481
stepping in now for the
Frackers is who I believe to be
494
00:20:39,482 --> 00:20:42,217
the second-fattest man in
the history of baseball,
495
00:20:42,218 --> 00:20:45,821
former long-haul trucker
and gout survivor.
496
00:20:45,822 --> 00:20:47,289
Mr. Doug Romero.
497
00:20:47,290 --> 00:20:51,226
Ohh! [Chuckles] That was fast.
498
00:20:51,227 --> 00:20:55,665
Okay. Two on now, and folks, see
if you can sense a pattern here.
499
00:20:56,232 --> 00:20:58,300
[Groans] Oh, shit!
500
00:20:58,301 --> 00:21:00,335
Ooh, that one had some
anger behind it, didn't it?
501
00:21:00,336 --> 00:21:04,706
All right. Bases loaded
as Pedro Uribe steps in.
502
00:21:04,707 --> 00:21:06,275
[Cheers and applause]
503
00:21:06,276 --> 00:21:08,143
Uribe during his time in the big leagues
504
00:21:08,144 --> 00:21:10,554
was known as "The Grand Slam King."
505
00:21:10,616 --> 00:21:13,315
Frackers have used some
pretty ingenious gamesmanship
506
00:21:13,316 --> 00:21:14,483
to load the bases.
507
00:21:14,484 --> 00:21:16,518
Let's see if they can
do anything with it.
508
00:21:16,519 --> 00:21:20,589
Hello, baby. [Speaking native language]
509
00:21:20,590 --> 00:21:22,157
Here comes the pitch.
510
00:21:22,158 --> 00:21:24,561
- Pedro!
- Bring it home, Pedro!
511
00:21:25,261 --> 00:21:27,196
[Cheers and applause]
512
00:21:27,197 --> 00:21:30,532
Oh, folks, that ball cannot
be buried in a Jewish cemetery
513
00:21:30,533 --> 00:21:34,303
because it just got tattooed!
514
00:21:34,304 --> 00:21:36,972
- [Cheers and applause]
- Oh, man!
515
00:21:36,973 --> 00:21:41,610
$1,000 worth of cured Italian meat.
516
00:21:41,611 --> 00:21:43,178
A grand salami!
517
00:21:43,179 --> 00:21:48,383
Pedro Uribe cuts the
lead to only eight runs.
518
00:21:48,384 --> 00:21:50,018
Score is 12 to 4.
519
00:21:50,019 --> 00:21:52,722
[Cheers and applause]
520
00:21:55,892 --> 00:21:58,393
I suppose you have more of
that kind of stuff planned?
521
00:21:58,394 --> 00:22:02,497
Every game.
522
00:22:02,498 --> 00:22:05,301
I want top-shelf liquor
included in my free drinks.
523
00:22:07,437 --> 00:22:09,205
Monday through Thursday.
524
00:22:11,133 --> 00:22:14,335
525
00:22:14,477 --> 00:22:15,811
Ah, [bleep] it. I'm in.
526
00:22:15,812 --> 00:22:17,279
Yes!
527
00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:19,381
Yeah! Okay, for now.
528
00:22:19,382 --> 00:22:21,583
I'm also pretty shitfaced,
529
00:22:21,584 --> 00:22:25,153
so best to take everything I say
with a big, fat grain of salt.
530
00:22:25,154 --> 00:22:27,222
Please tell me you got
that home run on video.
531
00:22:27,223 --> 00:22:29,891
Oh, psht.
532
00:22:29,892 --> 00:22:33,314
-Yes.
- Man: Now here's
533
00:22:33,759 --> 00:22:35,063
- a minor league clip a viewer sent in.
- [Whimpering]
534
00:22:35,064 --> 00:22:36,898
A home run estimated to have traveled
535
00:22:36,899 --> 00:22:39,101
an impressive 580 feet.
536
00:22:39,102 --> 00:22:40,669
But check out the elephant parade
537
00:22:40,670 --> 00:22:42,671
running around the bases.
538
00:22:42,672 --> 00:22:45,741
Jim: $1,000 worth of cured Italian meat.
539
00:22:45,742 --> 00:22:48,977
- [Gasps] Jimmy?
- A grand salami! Pedro Uribe
540
00:22:48,978 --> 00:22:51,380
- cuts the lead to only eight runs.
- You're still alive?
541
00:22:51,381 --> 00:22:53,081
542
00:22:53,082 --> 00:22:56,518
Frackers fans just found a
prize in the Cracker Jack box
543
00:22:56,519 --> 00:22:59,122
in the form of a bunch of fat men.
544
00:22:59,275 --> 00:23:03,341
Synced and corrected by Dragoniod for
- www.addic7ed.com -
545
00:23:03,391 --> 00:23:07,941
Repair and Synchronization by
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