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1
00:00:00,210 --> 00:00:03,384
You know sometimes a 21 minute
15 second episode of Broad City
2
00:00:03,390 --> 00:00:06,039
isn't enough of the world
of Broad City for me
3
00:00:06,046 --> 00:00:07,093
No, me niether.
4
00:00:07,100 --> 00:00:09,540
Right after this episode you
are gonna get behind the scenes
5
00:00:09,547 --> 00:00:13,107
exclusive footage of how our
show Broad City is made.
6
00:00:13,113 --> 00:00:15,610
It is like a behind the
curtain look at Broad City.
7
00:00:15,616 --> 00:00:18,246
Very informative and
you're gonna dig it.
8
00:00:18,252 --> 00:00:20,781
Stay tuned after the episode
for a behind the scenes look
9
00:00:20,787 --> 00:00:22,316
at the making of Broad City
10
00:00:22,322 --> 00:00:24,218
- I love a good BTS
- Me, too.
11
00:00:24,224 --> 00:00:27,620
- I love a hot BTS
- BTS to the BTS, baby!
12
00:00:28,291 --> 00:00:30,577
- Thank you for house-sitting.
- Thank you.
13
00:00:30,584 --> 00:00:32,819
I'm taking Oliver for
detox in the Hamptons.
14
00:00:32,826 --> 00:00:35,129
Standardized testing has
really stressed him out.
15
00:00:35,135 --> 00:00:36,397
Hm.
16
00:00:36,403 --> 00:00:39,233
Now here, make sure you
feed the blue macaw,
17
00:00:39,239 --> 00:00:41,569
and make sure the house gets
a lot of positive energy.
18
00:00:41,575 --> 00:00:42,870
I think I can manage that.
19
00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:44,238
Great.
20
00:00:44,244 --> 00:00:46,140
Oliver, our Uber's close.
21
00:00:46,146 --> 00:00:47,808
Times tables! Topic sentences!
22
00:00:47,814 --> 00:00:49,577
Five paragraph essay!
Five paragraph essay!
23
00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:51,412
Oliver, chill, chill, chill.
24
00:00:51,418 --> 00:00:53,414
Standardized testing
does not define you.
25
00:00:53,420 --> 00:00:55,249
Nothing can happen in the global economy
26
00:00:55,255 --> 00:00:57,585
that will ever make you need to work.
27
00:00:57,591 --> 00:00:59,187
(HELICOPTER APPROACHING)
28
00:00:59,193 --> 00:01:01,122
Hi, Uber, we're out front!
29
00:01:01,128 --> 00:01:04,292
Whoa! A helicopter?
I thought Uber just had cars.
30
00:01:04,298 --> 00:01:05,760
Uber has cars?
31
00:01:05,766 --> 00:01:07,334
- (CAR HORNS BLARING)
- Uh-huh.
32
00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:12,166
Buh-bye!
33
00:01:12,461 --> 00:01:14,434
Enjoy the Hamptons!
34
00:01:14,441 --> 00:01:15,676
(HELICOPTER FLYING AWAY)
35
00:01:18,791 --> 00:01:21,375
Wow... okay, dude, we're safe.
36
00:01:22,337 --> 00:01:24,611
(GRUNTING)
37
00:01:24,618 --> 00:01:25,853
Ooh.
38
00:01:29,531 --> 00:01:31,075
You know, there's a gate right there.
39
00:01:31,082 --> 00:01:32,295
Oh.
40
00:01:32,301 --> 00:01:34,430
? Four and three and two and one-one ?
41
00:01:34,436 --> 00:01:36,748
??
42
00:01:36,881 --> 00:01:39,475
- Synced and corrected by Shazi89 -
- www.addic7ed.com -
43
00:01:41,333 --> 00:01:42,749
This is unreal.
44
00:01:42,756 --> 00:01:45,319
Double jumbo capacity washer-dryer,
45
00:01:45,325 --> 00:01:47,988
cleaning 25 pounds of
your dirtiest dog shit
46
00:01:47,994 --> 00:01:49,290
at lightening speed.
47
00:01:49,304 --> 00:01:52,874
??
48
00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:03,724
Now, mademoiselle, to the tour.
49
00:02:04,743 --> 00:02:07,740
(FAST CLASSICAL PIANO PLAYING)
50
00:02:07,747 --> 00:02:10,550
??
51
00:02:14,380 --> 00:02:15,383
Mmm.
52
00:02:15,661 --> 00:02:19,518
(FRENCH ACCENT) Enter ze master bath.
53
00:02:19,525 --> 00:02:22,121
(NORMAL VOICE) Italian
marble, Asian marble,
54
00:02:22,128 --> 00:02:25,675
Puerto Rican marble,
every ethnicity of marble.
55
00:02:26,232 --> 00:02:27,801
And the coochie de gras...
56
00:02:29,985 --> 00:02:31,035
(ABBI GASPS)
57
00:02:31,042 --> 00:02:32,304
Is that a bidet?
58
00:02:32,405 --> 00:02:35,141
- You bidet believe it is.
- Ow.
59
00:02:38,178 --> 00:02:39,807
(BIDET BEEPING)
60
00:02:39,813 --> 00:02:40,841
Let's try staccato.
61
00:02:40,847 --> 00:02:43,344
(WATER SPRAYING)
62
00:02:43,350 --> 00:02:45,636
I'm gonna check on my
online dating profiles.
63
00:02:45,643 --> 00:02:47,801
Whew, the water is perfectly warmed
64
00:02:47,808 --> 00:02:50,405
- to accommodate my anus.
- Oh, my God, dude.
65
00:02:50,412 --> 00:02:53,344
My high school English teacher, Mr.
Miller, is on Bumble.
66
00:02:55,327 --> 00:02:58,057
- (WATER RUNNING)
- That is unreal!
67
00:02:58,064 --> 00:02:59,960
Oh, also your Bumble thing is hot.
68
00:02:59,966 --> 00:03:01,865
I don't know, I feel like
it's a little creepy.
69
00:03:01,888 --> 00:03:05,366
Hell yeah, sometimes in life
you need creepy, freaky fucks.
70
00:03:05,372 --> 00:03:07,191
Plus, you guys are both adults now.
71
00:03:07,198 --> 00:03:09,625
You must swipe "yas,"
you cannot swipe "nas."
72
00:03:09,632 --> 00:03:11,704
Yeah, you're right,
we are both adults now.
73
00:03:11,711 --> 00:03:13,347
Plus, I always had a thing for him.
74
00:03:13,354 --> 00:03:15,141
Yeah, teachers are the ultimate fantasy.
75
00:03:15,148 --> 00:03:17,837
- Yeah, you know what?
- You're right. I'm doing it.
76
00:03:18,662 --> 00:03:19,748
(PHONE BEEPS)
77
00:03:19,755 --> 00:03:20,960
Oh, my God. Okay, we matched.
78
00:03:20,967 --> 00:03:22,938
Hell yeah, you did, you creepy bitch.
79
00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:24,849
- All right, what do I say?
- Say, um...
80
00:03:24,864 --> 00:03:26,860
I need help studying for my ACTs
81
00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:29,043
and I'm trying to get a 69.
82
00:03:31,164 --> 00:03:34,161
I'm gonna write, "Hey. Long time."
83
00:03:34,578 --> 00:03:36,017
Okay, sent.
84
00:03:36,734 --> 00:03:38,630
(WATER RUNNING HEAVILY)
85
00:03:38,637 --> 00:03:40,333
Okay, um, he's typing.
86
00:03:40,340 --> 00:03:42,069
(WATER CONTINUES RUNNING)
87
00:03:42,075 --> 00:03:43,775
He's still typing. Jesus.
88
00:03:45,057 --> 00:03:46,551
Okay, he's... Okay, he wrote,
89
00:03:46,558 --> 00:03:48,446
"I'm in town, do you want
to meet up tonight?"
90
00:03:48,453 --> 00:03:50,649
(MOANING AND LAUGHING)
91
00:03:51,384 --> 00:03:53,480
Is that about the message or the bidet?
92
00:03:53,486 --> 00:03:55,349
(WATER PRESSURE DECREASES)
93
00:03:55,355 --> 00:03:57,418
Honestly, both.
94
00:03:57,424 --> 00:03:59,588
He should come here.
This place is so adult.
95
00:03:59,595 --> 00:04:01,221
You know, you'll seem older than he is.
96
00:04:01,227 --> 00:04:02,375
That's perfect.
97
00:04:02,382 --> 00:04:03,835
Okay, I'm gonna say that
98
00:04:03,849 --> 00:04:06,968
we're having an adults-only soiree
99
00:04:06,975 --> 00:04:09,037
- (FINGERS SNAP)
- and that he should stop by. Casual.
100
00:04:09,044 --> 00:04:10,091
Love it.
101
00:04:10,098 --> 00:04:11,332
(PHONE BEEPS)
102
00:04:11,338 --> 00:04:13,664
Gaga, now all that's left is prep.
103
00:04:13,671 --> 00:04:15,797
Sit your sweet ass on this bidet.
104
00:04:15,804 --> 00:04:17,973
I feel like a wine glass
fresh out of the dishwasher.
105
00:04:26,953 --> 00:04:27,966
(BIDET BEEPING)
106
00:04:30,924 --> 00:04:32,843
(WATER RUNNING) Oh...
107
00:04:32,850 --> 00:04:33,913
Now get into it.
108
00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:35,578
So what's going on with you and Lincoln?
109
00:04:35,585 --> 00:04:37,389
It's official now.
He's, like, your boyfriend.
110
00:04:37,396 --> 00:04:38,979
Yeah, you know, it's just that,
111
00:04:38,994 --> 00:04:41,882
um, just trying not to
choke it out with a label.
112
00:04:41,889 --> 00:04:43,890
You know, I'm just like,
it is an essential part
113
00:04:43,897 --> 00:04:45,833
of my character that I'm
just not into labels.
114
00:04:45,839 --> 00:04:48,262
So we're just enjoying the ride.
115
00:04:48,269 --> 00:04:50,251
- Yeah, I think that's great.
- (PHONE BEEPS)
116
00:04:51,028 --> 00:04:52,051
Oh, dude, it's him.
117
00:04:52,058 --> 00:04:54,287
- Okay, he's on his way.
- (GASPS)
118
00:04:54,546 --> 00:04:55,914
(DOORBELL RINGS)
119
00:04:55,921 --> 00:04:57,420
Oh, my God. That was fast.
120
00:04:57,427 --> 00:05:00,530
Yikes. Hot, dude.
Dry that sweet ass and move.
121
00:05:01,488 --> 00:05:02,912
It's wet.
122
00:05:03,790 --> 00:05:06,032
You know what, I think I need
to change into something
123
00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:08,489
a little more casual
like... resort wear?
124
00:05:08,495 --> 00:05:11,798
"Resort wear"? You are naturally rich.
125
00:05:14,013 --> 00:05:16,213
- You ready?
- Yeah.
126
00:05:16,487 --> 00:05:17,898
Wait, wait, wait, hold on.
127
00:05:17,904 --> 00:05:20,200
Um, do like...
128
00:05:20,206 --> 00:05:21,936
This is, like, a little more mature.
129
00:05:21,942 --> 00:05:23,777
- Ooh, perfect.
- Great.
130
00:05:27,976 --> 00:05:29,576
- Oh. Jaim�.
- (ILANA) Hi.
131
00:05:29,583 --> 00:05:31,349
- God, you're a princess...
- Thank you.
132
00:05:31,356 --> 00:05:33,480
- In a castle.
- Hey.
133
00:05:33,487 --> 00:05:35,717
- How you holding up, BB?
- Ay, how do you think?
134
00:05:35,724 --> 00:05:37,903
You know, I had an adult circumcision
135
00:05:37,910 --> 00:05:40,931
and I cannot get hard
for two more weeks.
136
00:05:40,938 --> 00:05:42,434
Why can't you get hard?
137
00:05:42,896 --> 00:05:44,525
'Cause his stitches will tear.
138
00:05:44,531 --> 00:05:45,993
- My penis.
- Duh.
139
00:05:45,999 --> 00:05:48,395
Oh, obviously.
140
00:05:48,401 --> 00:05:50,264
(WHISPERS) You can't just hold books.
141
00:05:50,270 --> 00:05:51,565
You have to actually read them.
142
00:05:51,571 --> 00:05:52,643
Yeah.
143
00:05:53,874 --> 00:05:56,938
(ANGELIC MUSIC)
144
00:05:56,961 --> 00:05:58,763
??
145
00:06:03,583 --> 00:06:06,447
(ALL LAUGHING)
146
00:06:06,453 --> 00:06:09,416
- (WASHING MACHINE RUMBLING)
- Oh, my God. Um...
147
00:06:09,422 --> 00:06:11,986
I cannot be around vibrations
in my current state.
148
00:06:11,992 --> 00:06:14,747
- Do you mind if we just...
- Okay.
149
00:06:15,395 --> 00:06:18,865
(FAST CLASSICAL PIANO PLAYING)
150
00:06:21,968 --> 00:06:24,265
So... Italian marble,
151
00:06:24,271 --> 00:06:26,066
Asian marble, Puerto Rican marble,
152
00:06:26,072 --> 00:06:29,109
and... the coochie de gras.
153
00:06:30,889 --> 00:06:32,091
(JAIM� GASPS)
154
00:06:32,098 --> 00:06:35,829
A bidet is synonymous with
sex in rich Guatemala.
155
00:06:36,116 --> 00:06:38,212
A boner is inevitable,
I cannot be in here.
156
00:06:38,218 --> 00:06:39,513
- I'm so sorry. I... I...
- Go.
157
00:06:39,519 --> 00:06:41,181
- I see. Wow.
- (DOORBELL RINGS)
158
00:06:41,187 --> 00:06:42,989
(ABBI) Shit, dude, my teacher's here!
159
00:06:46,426 --> 00:06:49,089
Hello, my dear!
160
00:06:49,095 --> 00:06:51,025
(ILANA) Hello, my, um,
161
00:06:51,031 --> 00:06:53,217
my fluid... dude.
162
00:06:53,224 --> 00:06:54,753
Uh...
163
00:06:55,035 --> 00:06:56,397
- Hey.
- Hey.
164
00:06:56,403 --> 00:06:58,399
Oh, my...
165
00:06:58,405 --> 00:07:00,034
Okay. He's here, he's here.
166
00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:01,101
- Oh.
- (DOORBELL RINGS)
167
00:07:01,107 --> 00:07:02,742
(GROANS)
168
00:07:03,209 --> 00:07:04,244
We got it.
169
00:07:07,681 --> 00:07:09,443
- Hey.
- Hey, Abbi.
170
00:07:09,449 --> 00:07:10,945
Hey, Mr. Miller.
171
00:07:10,951 --> 00:07:12,046
- Richard.
- Richard.
172
00:07:12,052 --> 00:07:13,553
(DOOR CLOSES)
173
00:07:15,422 --> 00:07:18,485
Um, hey, Ilana, Lincoln,
174
00:07:18,491 --> 00:07:20,267
uh, this is a man.
175
00:07:20,274 --> 00:07:23,271
And this is Lincoln,
he is a... a man, as well.
176
00:07:23,566 --> 00:07:25,059
Friend from way back when.
177
00:07:25,065 --> 00:07:26,120
Pal and a confidant.
178
00:07:26,127 --> 00:07:28,262
Former teacher.
He's not my teacher anymore.
179
00:07:28,268 --> 00:07:29,354
We're on a date now.
180
00:07:29,361 --> 00:07:31,989
And this is Lincoln. He is my...
181
00:07:33,791 --> 00:07:36,062
boy... friend?
182
00:07:38,893 --> 00:07:41,580
Yeah. He's my boyfriend.
183
00:07:42,415 --> 00:07:43,677
(RICHARD) That's great.
184
00:07:43,696 --> 00:07:46,514
Wow, that took a long time...
185
00:07:47,447 --> 00:07:48,673
to say.
186
00:07:52,093 --> 00:07:53,956
Huh, a taxidermy room.
187
00:07:54,135 --> 00:07:56,170
Oh. Nothing. Hi.
188
00:07:56,177 --> 00:07:58,687
Uh, Jaim�, this is, um...
189
00:07:59,250 --> 00:08:00,274
Richard.
190
00:08:00,281 --> 00:08:03,614
Um... he was my teach guy.
191
00:08:04,157 --> 00:08:06,353
Not anymore. That's why we're on a date.
192
00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:08,902
- I mean, it's not why...
- He used to be your teacher?
193
00:08:08,909 --> 00:08:11,590
And now you're on a date?
194
00:08:11,597 --> 00:08:12,893
Yes.
195
00:08:12,900 --> 00:08:16,097
Ow. Excuse me, I'm gonna...
196
00:08:16,103 --> 00:08:19,242
Ow! Can't... touch. I'm so sorry.
197
00:08:19,249 --> 00:08:20,656
(JAIM� GRUNTING)
198
00:08:21,542 --> 00:08:24,339
(ANGELIC MUSIC)
199
00:08:24,345 --> 00:08:27,214
??
200
00:08:31,485 --> 00:08:33,834
Okay, is it kinda weird
that we're on a date?
201
00:08:33,841 --> 00:08:35,426
I mean, not really.
202
00:08:35,433 --> 00:08:37,473
I mean, we're adults, right?
203
00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:39,954
Yeah, you're right.
I am an adult now. "Supposably."
204
00:08:39,976 --> 00:08:42,457
Supposedly. With a "D."
205
00:08:42,463 --> 00:08:44,191
Sorry. English teacher mode.
206
00:08:44,198 --> 00:08:45,993
It's fine.
207
00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:48,963
Speaking of which, I did love it when
208
00:08:48,969 --> 00:08:51,671
you used to make Tina Palmer
stop saying "like" so much.
209
00:08:51,678 --> 00:08:53,334
She'd never let me sit
at her lunch table
210
00:08:53,340 --> 00:08:55,017
because, "like, I wasn't hot enough."
211
00:08:55,024 --> 00:08:56,160
- What?
- Yeah!
212
00:08:56,167 --> 00:08:58,039
You were so much cuter than her.
213
00:08:58,529 --> 00:09:00,613
I mean, you're not so bad yourself.
214
00:09:01,048 --> 00:09:03,411
I used to think about you like that.
215
00:09:03,417 --> 00:09:05,919
I used to think about you like that too.
216
00:09:12,269 --> 00:09:14,489
I, um...
217
00:09:14,495 --> 00:09:16,524
I have to go piss...
218
00:09:16,530 --> 00:09:18,298
hard.
219
00:09:19,533 --> 00:09:21,362
I'm gonna...
220
00:09:21,368 --> 00:09:24,332
- Hon, do zip me up.
- Of course, m'lady.
221
00:09:24,338 --> 00:09:25,683
Mmm.
222
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:28,560
Oh, sweetie, let me get that for you.
223
00:09:28,575 --> 00:09:30,338
Your fingers are for two things.
224
00:09:30,344 --> 00:09:32,340
Filling cavities, and filling cavities.
225
00:09:32,678 --> 00:09:34,575
(CHUCKLING) Oh, you!
226
00:09:34,581 --> 00:09:37,072
Mm. My man.
227
00:09:37,078 --> 00:09:40,783
Ilana, I'm gonna be honest 'cause
we're in a relationship now.
228
00:09:40,790 --> 00:09:42,716
I don't think you got this 100% right.
229
00:09:42,723 --> 00:09:44,895
This is... this is horrible.
230
00:09:44,902 --> 00:09:48,148
I promise to improve.
You're my priority now.
231
00:09:48,155 --> 00:09:50,558
(ABBI) Ilana?
232
00:09:51,111 --> 00:09:52,660
I need to talk.
233
00:09:52,666 --> 00:09:55,196
BRB, Abbi's a priority.
234
00:09:55,202 --> 00:09:57,498
- Whoa, love that outfit.
- Thank you.
235
00:09:57,504 --> 00:10:00,001
Okay, I don't know if I
can do this with Richard.
236
00:10:00,007 --> 00:10:01,741
He's, like, really creeping me out.
237
00:10:01,748 --> 00:10:03,604
- Mmm, so hot.
- No, it's not, okay?
238
00:10:03,610 --> 00:10:06,574
He said he thought about me like that.
239
00:10:06,580 --> 00:10:08,489
Like, when I was his student, though.
240
00:10:08,496 --> 00:10:09,744
I mean, you don't think...
241
00:10:09,750 --> 00:10:11,346
that he jerked off to me?
242
00:10:11,352 --> 00:10:13,100
- Yeah.
- Really?
243
00:10:13,107 --> 00:10:14,248
Bitch, durr.
244
00:10:14,254 --> 00:10:16,017
All teachers jerk off to their students.
245
00:10:16,023 --> 00:10:18,542
No, they don't. All teachers do
not jerk off to their students.
246
00:10:18,549 --> 00:10:19,977
Oh, sweet Abbi.
247
00:10:19,984 --> 00:10:23,017
Once students have flowered,
teachers are either fucking them
248
00:10:23,024 --> 00:10:24,258
or jerking off to them.
249
00:10:24,264 --> 00:10:27,067
Respect the ones who only jerk off.
The other ones are in the news.
250
00:10:27,074 --> 00:10:28,827
No, no, no!
251
00:10:28,834 --> 00:10:30,031
Ilana, no.
252
00:10:30,037 --> 00:10:31,536
We can't control our thoughts, dude.
253
00:10:31,543 --> 00:10:32,770
Jerking off is not a crime.
254
00:10:32,777 --> 00:10:34,304
Well, it depends on where you do it.
255
00:10:34,311 --> 00:10:35,859
In the privacy of their own home?
256
00:10:35,866 --> 00:10:38,063
Listen, if Lincoln and
I ever have children...
257
00:10:38,070 --> 00:10:40,830
And believe me, we're not talking
about that for a couple of years...
258
00:10:40,837 --> 00:10:42,710
I hope their teachers
are jerking off to them.
259
00:10:42,716 --> 00:10:44,412
You do?
260
00:10:44,418 --> 00:10:46,114
If it keeps their disgusting hands
261
00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:47,515
off my hot-ass, bl-ewish kids,
262
00:10:47,521 --> 00:10:49,217
then yeah.
263
00:10:49,223 --> 00:10:51,296
I don't know, it still creeps me out.
264
00:10:51,303 --> 00:10:53,388
All right, let's get real.
265
00:10:53,757 --> 00:10:55,765
You ever jerk off to JTT?
266
00:10:56,720 --> 00:10:58,486
Jonathan Taylor Thomas?
267
00:10:58,493 --> 00:10:59,694
Yeah, I mean, all the time.
268
00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:01,162
As he was on "Home Improvement,"
269
00:11:01,168 --> 00:11:03,765
that poreless, olive skin?
270
00:11:03,771 --> 00:11:05,333
Or as he is now, a present day,
271
00:11:05,339 --> 00:11:07,689
31-year-old actor?
272
00:11:08,931 --> 00:11:10,471
Oh, no.
273
00:11:10,477 --> 00:11:12,891
I've been jerking off to a
teenager every other night.
274
00:11:12,898 --> 00:11:15,242
And are you a creep? Are you a criminal?
275
00:11:15,249 --> 00:11:17,278
We're all jerking off to teenagers.
276
00:11:17,284 --> 00:11:19,743
And I'll tell you what,
they're jerking off to us too.
277
00:11:19,750 --> 00:11:22,417
That's the circle of life.
278
00:11:22,423 --> 00:11:24,452
When you say it like that,
it's not creepy at all.
279
00:11:24,458 --> 00:11:25,742
Yes, dude.
280
00:11:25,749 --> 00:11:27,088
Jerking off is all we got.
281
00:11:27,094 --> 00:11:28,489
It literally saves the world.
282
00:11:29,151 --> 00:11:30,725
Thank you.
283
00:11:31,301 --> 00:11:32,535
(GRUNTS)
284
00:11:35,469 --> 00:11:36,698
Oh...
285
00:11:36,704 --> 00:11:38,373
? It's for the look ?
286
00:11:38,380 --> 00:11:39,592
? I don't light it ?
287
00:11:39,599 --> 00:11:40,660
Love it.
288
00:11:40,667 --> 00:11:41,703
(BREAKS WIND)
289
00:11:41,709 --> 00:11:43,816
- Oh, sorry, I'm sorry.
- Don't...
290
00:11:43,823 --> 00:11:44,872
Don't even, it's...
291
00:11:44,878 --> 00:11:46,878
I'm a grown man,
so I should have more control
292
00:11:46,885 --> 00:11:48,209
over my pelvic flow, that's all.
293
00:11:48,215 --> 00:11:51,263
No, farts are part of the
total relationship package.
294
00:11:51,270 --> 00:11:52,528
- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
295
00:11:52,535 --> 00:11:54,682
Watch this.
296
00:11:54,688 --> 00:11:56,117
(BREAKS WIND)
297
00:11:56,123 --> 00:11:58,478
- (BREAKS WIND)
- (LAUGHING)
298
00:11:58,485 --> 00:11:59,854
(BREAKS WIND) Yes!
299
00:11:59,860 --> 00:12:01,789
(BREAKS WIND RHYTHMICALLY)
300
00:12:01,795 --> 00:12:03,849
- (BREAKS WIND)
- (LAUGHING)
301
00:12:03,856 --> 00:12:05,730
- (BREAKS WIND)
- (GASPS)
302
00:12:06,300 --> 00:12:09,797
Yeah. This is like a breakdance
battle, but not at all.
303
00:12:09,803 --> 00:12:12,239
(BREAKS HEAVY WIND)
304
00:12:15,269 --> 00:12:17,205
That was different from the others.
305
00:12:17,211 --> 00:12:19,246
(HOARSE) All good. Excuse me one sec.
306
00:12:22,461 --> 00:12:23,745
(CHOKING)
307
00:12:23,751 --> 00:12:26,025
Hey, Ilana, have some perspective.
308
00:12:26,032 --> 00:12:29,368
You shat yourself at a
party five weeks ago.
309
00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:36,491
Hey, sorry about those
last few things I said.
310
00:12:36,497 --> 00:12:38,180
That sort of came out weird.
311
00:12:38,187 --> 00:12:39,327
It's fine.
312
00:12:39,333 --> 00:12:41,629
If we met right now,
you'd just be, like,
313
00:12:41,635 --> 00:12:44,165
a hot dude who happens to teach.
314
00:12:44,608 --> 00:12:46,076
All right.
315
00:12:47,007 --> 00:12:49,336
This is, um, actually pretty good.
316
00:12:49,343 --> 00:12:51,339
Yes, this is, uh, it's amazing.
317
00:12:51,345 --> 00:12:54,709
Got sort of a full body
with a tannic grip.
318
00:12:54,715 --> 00:12:57,312
Yeah, I... I love...
319
00:12:57,318 --> 00:12:59,629
full bodies with tannic grips.
320
00:13:00,229 --> 00:13:02,692
I love those things with my wine.
321
00:13:04,084 --> 00:13:05,947
- What do you mean?
- Oh, just,
322
00:13:05,954 --> 00:13:07,288
what you said.
323
00:13:07,294 --> 00:13:08,786
I was like, "Yep, mm-hmm, me too."
324
00:13:08,793 --> 00:13:10,394
Yeah.
325
00:13:13,634 --> 00:13:16,531
His and hers casket sheets.
326
00:13:16,537 --> 00:13:18,933
This is amazing...
327
00:13:18,939 --> 00:13:21,841
(SIGHS) Oh, I forgot to tell you
328
00:13:21,848 --> 00:13:23,830
we have brunch with Abbi
and Jaim� on Saturday.
329
00:13:23,837 --> 00:13:27,634
Oh, I can't, I already
have golf with Dr. Tims.
330
00:13:27,641 --> 00:13:31,793
Okay, I guess we have to make
a shared Google Calendar now
331
00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:33,614
so we don't double-book all the time.
332
00:13:33,620 --> 00:13:36,190
Sounds like a great idea.
I love Google Calendar.
333
00:13:44,765 --> 00:13:46,233
"Current events..."
334
00:13:48,235 --> 00:13:51,833
(FAST CLASSICAL PIANO PLAYING)
335
00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:54,702
It's all good. Ay, Dios m�o.
336
00:13:54,708 --> 00:13:56,710
??
337
00:13:59,862 --> 00:14:01,976
That's not good. Books...
338
00:14:02,823 --> 00:14:04,158
Ay!
339
00:14:05,048 --> 00:14:06,280
Ay, stop it! My stitches!
340
00:14:06,286 --> 00:14:09,384
My stitches! Please! Please!
341
00:14:09,941 --> 00:14:11,909
Ah, hello, Europe.
342
00:14:17,315 --> 00:14:20,261
(SCREAMS)
343
00:14:20,267 --> 00:14:23,203
??
344
00:14:26,473 --> 00:14:28,736
I really enjoy Monet's
early impressionism.
345
00:14:28,742 --> 00:14:30,538
I mean, I was reading about his process
346
00:14:30,544 --> 00:14:32,607
- in "The New Yorker"...
- Hold on a second.
347
00:14:32,613 --> 00:14:33,963
You read "The New Yorker"?
348
00:14:33,970 --> 00:14:35,825
Yeah, a lot.
349
00:14:35,832 --> 00:14:37,345
Wow, like, the whole thing?
350
00:14:38,335 --> 00:14:40,415
Yeah. Yeah, I usually get through it.
351
00:14:41,359 --> 00:14:43,351
That's so hot. That's, like,
352
00:14:43,919 --> 00:14:45,254
super sexy.
353
00:14:46,439 --> 00:14:47,841
That I can read?
354
00:14:50,947 --> 00:14:54,236
(PANICKING)
355
00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:57,304
"Pretend like it's day one."
356
00:14:59,039 --> 00:15:02,036
Pretend like it's day one.
357
00:15:02,042 --> 00:15:05,940
Damn, reading is so dope.
358
00:15:06,559 --> 00:15:09,577
??
359
00:15:09,583 --> 00:15:11,452
? Mirror, mirror, on the wall ?
360
00:15:11,459 --> 00:15:13,715
? Tell me what you see ?
361
00:15:13,721 --> 00:15:15,984
? It's that, oh my God,
it's lookin' heavenly ?
362
00:15:15,990 --> 00:15:17,493
? Ooh ?
363
00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:20,531
? Poppin' Power Rangers,
purple, yellow, pink ?
364
00:15:20,728 --> 00:15:23,858
? Throwin' ones,
wonder what my mama think ?
365
00:15:23,864 --> 00:15:26,995
? Feelin' like a stripper when
I'm lookin' in the mirror ?
366
00:15:27,001 --> 00:15:30,741
? I'll be slappin' on that ass
gettin' thicker and thicker ?
367
00:15:30,748 --> 00:15:31,799
? Ohh! ?
368
00:15:31,805 --> 00:15:35,162
Calling Dr. Rice. I have a bad cavity
369
00:15:35,169 --> 00:15:36,537
that needs to get drill...
370
00:15:36,543 --> 00:15:38,430
(BREAKS WIND)
371
00:15:42,390 --> 00:15:44,259
Ugh. Wake up!
372
00:15:44,266 --> 00:15:45,318
(YELPS)
373
00:15:45,325 --> 00:15:48,223
Okay, so we have to talk about
this whole relationship thing.
374
00:15:48,230 --> 00:15:50,025
- What?
- Think about what we have sacrificed
375
00:15:50,031 --> 00:15:53,141
to enter this sexless fart party.
376
00:15:53,148 --> 00:15:54,847
When was the last time we even had sex?
377
00:15:54,854 --> 00:15:56,383
We had sex an hour ago.
378
00:15:56,390 --> 00:15:57,952
And that's good enough for you?
379
00:15:58,686 --> 00:16:00,325
I... I... I can't.
380
00:16:03,445 --> 00:16:06,214
Told you I have a refractory period.
381
00:16:10,051 --> 00:16:12,254
- Oh, good. Chess pieces.
- There's chess pieces.
382
00:16:15,834 --> 00:16:19,065
Looks like somebody
didn't do her homework.
383
00:16:19,485 --> 00:16:20,980
Wait, what?
384
00:16:21,771 --> 00:16:23,512
Ohh... Yeah.
385
00:16:23,519 --> 00:16:24,748
Um, I didn't.
386
00:16:24,755 --> 00:16:27,018
But, I don't know, is there any...
387
00:16:27,469 --> 00:16:30,099
extra credit I can do
to bring my grade up?
388
00:16:30,105 --> 00:16:31,554
I don't think so.
389
00:16:31,561 --> 00:16:34,557
Looks like you're getting a big,
fat "D" this semester.
390
00:16:40,427 --> 00:16:43,235
(JAIM� WHIMPERING)
391
00:16:43,242 --> 00:16:45,204
Jaim�, don't get hard.
392
00:16:45,211 --> 00:16:47,041
Okay, I gotta hash this out.
393
00:16:47,048 --> 00:16:49,232
Like, are we aiming at forever?
394
00:16:49,239 --> 00:16:51,836
- That seems ridiculous.
- No.
395
00:16:51,843 --> 00:16:54,907
It's cra... I don't wanna
do anything forever.
396
00:16:54,914 --> 00:16:57,911
I like spaghetti, but I don't
wanna die with spaghetti.
397
00:16:57,918 --> 00:16:59,655
I mean, I might, but I don't know yet.
398
00:16:59,662 --> 00:17:01,149
I wanna take this one day at a time,
399
00:17:01,156 --> 00:17:02,479
the same way I take spaghetti.
400
00:17:02,572 --> 00:17:06,370
Yeah, 'cause a lifetime
sounds ominous and scary.
401
00:17:06,377 --> 00:17:09,037
Yeah, 'cause lifetime implies death.
402
00:17:09,044 --> 00:17:10,323
Think about it like this.
403
00:17:10,330 --> 00:17:12,507
Let's say you won a
lifetime supply of Doritos.
404
00:17:12,514 --> 00:17:14,376
- I'm listening.
- At first you'd be psyched,
405
00:17:14,382 --> 00:17:15,638
you got all these Doritos.
406
00:17:15,645 --> 00:17:16,727
Then after a while,
407
00:17:16,734 --> 00:17:18,847
every time you went to
grab a bag of Doritos,
408
00:17:18,854 --> 00:17:20,170
you're like, "Oh, I wanna die."
409
00:17:20,177 --> 00:17:22,451
- (SIGHS)
- So this is what I propose.
410
00:17:22,457 --> 00:17:25,254
We do it for a year, short-term.
411
00:17:25,260 --> 00:17:28,124
And then after that year,
we check in with each other.
412
00:17:28,130 --> 00:17:30,292
See how it's going,
like a phone contract.
413
00:17:30,298 --> 00:17:31,927
God, I love that.
414
00:17:31,933 --> 00:17:33,496
'Cause I can do that.
415
00:17:33,503 --> 00:17:35,169
And thank you for all
the food metaphors.
416
00:17:35,176 --> 00:17:36,176
You're welcome.
417
00:17:36,183 --> 00:17:37,967
I was eating spaghetti
and Doritos yesterday.
418
00:17:37,974 --> 00:17:39,935
That's probably why my
farts smell so violent.
419
00:17:39,941 --> 00:17:40,962
Right.
420
00:17:40,969 --> 00:17:42,862
I'm gonna avoid that
combination in the future.
421
00:17:42,869 --> 00:17:44,746
I'd really appreciate that.
422
00:17:46,340 --> 00:17:49,844
(MACHINE RUMBLING)
423
00:17:52,154 --> 00:17:53,897
(WHISPERING) Jaim�, be strong.
424
00:17:53,904 --> 00:17:56,110
Penis, be weak. Be weak!
425
00:17:56,117 --> 00:17:57,429
Weak!
426
00:17:58,634 --> 00:18:02,850
Should we be doing this?
You're so young.
427
00:18:03,107 --> 00:18:04,895
I mean, I'm 28.
428
00:18:05,167 --> 00:18:08,770
No, but you're, like, 17, right?
429
00:18:10,437 --> 00:18:13,501
Yeah... I am only 17.
430
00:18:13,508 --> 00:18:16,572
Yeah, like, you don't
even know how to drive.
431
00:18:16,578 --> 00:18:19,441
No, I just got my license.
432
00:18:19,758 --> 00:18:22,194
I mean, it's actually just my permit.
433
00:18:27,796 --> 00:18:29,802
There you are, Abbi.
434
00:18:29,809 --> 00:18:31,641
Hold on. Get off, get off.
435
00:18:31,648 --> 00:18:33,136
- Sorry.
- Okay, um...
436
00:18:33,143 --> 00:18:34,672
Were you just pulling my skin back
437
00:18:34,679 --> 00:18:38,076
so I looked more like a child?
438
00:18:38,083 --> 00:18:41,347
We were roleplaying, right?
Like you're 17.
439
00:18:41,354 --> 00:18:43,083
I was trying to make you look young-ish.
440
00:18:43,090 --> 00:18:44,319
What the fuck?
441
00:18:44,326 --> 00:18:45,887
- (JAIM�) Okay, no more!
- Wow! Oh, my...
442
00:18:45,894 --> 00:18:47,956
Excuse me! Excuse me!
443
00:18:48,402 --> 00:18:50,379
Jaim�! Why are you in here right now?
444
00:18:50,386 --> 00:18:51,587
Well, I'm so sorry, okay?
445
00:18:51,594 --> 00:18:53,510
But I was trying to hide
in the children's room
446
00:18:53,517 --> 00:18:54,586
so I wouldn't get hard.
447
00:18:54,593 --> 00:18:56,274
But that, sir, that was just disgusting.
448
00:18:56,281 --> 00:18:57,617
I hope you know that. Disgusting.
449
00:18:57,624 --> 00:19:00,449
Yeah, you know what, Richard?
That was disgusting, for one.
450
00:19:00,455 --> 00:19:03,219
For two, I exfoliate, like,
almost every other day.
451
00:19:03,225 --> 00:19:04,802
And you know what? My skin is radiant.
452
00:19:04,809 --> 00:19:07,499
I don't know that much to be true,
but I know this much to be true.
453
00:19:07,529 --> 00:19:09,591
Abbi, skincare is challenging.
454
00:19:09,598 --> 00:19:11,316
- Oh, my God.
- But we were roleplaying.
455
00:19:11,323 --> 00:19:13,583
All right, well, that's it.
456
00:19:14,129 --> 00:19:16,007
I'm gonna leave you two alone, okay?
457
00:19:16,014 --> 00:19:17,535
But first, I want to thank you.
458
00:19:17,542 --> 00:19:19,971
That image will forever harden my soul
459
00:19:19,978 --> 00:19:21,441
but soften my peepee.
460
00:19:21,448 --> 00:19:23,444
Namaste, you sick, sick man.
461
00:19:23,512 --> 00:19:27,309
Find a reason to leave,
thank you, excuse us.
462
00:19:27,315 --> 00:19:31,824
(LOUD BANGING)
463
00:19:31,831 --> 00:19:33,832
Look, Abbi, it takes two to Bumble.
464
00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:35,195
- Yeah.
- I'm not your teacher.
465
00:19:35,202 --> 00:19:36,587
- You're not my student.
- Okay.
466
00:19:36,594 --> 00:19:38,053
We're...
467
00:19:38,059 --> 00:19:39,551
(FIRE ALARM RINGING)
468
00:19:39,558 --> 00:19:41,454
- Oh, my Gosh.
- Uh, single file!
469
00:19:41,461 --> 00:19:43,024
Single file? I'm only one person.
470
00:19:43,031 --> 00:19:45,149
Use the buddy system!
471
00:19:48,114 --> 00:19:49,521
All right, roll call.
472
00:19:49,528 --> 00:19:51,088
I think it's... I think we can see
473
00:19:51,095 --> 00:19:52,990
that we're all here, it's fine.
474
00:19:52,997 --> 00:19:54,470
All clear.
475
00:19:54,476 --> 00:19:55,496
(SIGHS)
476
00:19:55,768 --> 00:19:57,324
Dryer set fire.
477
00:19:57,331 --> 00:19:58,878
It's a Newton Elite.
478
00:19:58,885 --> 00:20:01,237
It's built only to dry satins, silk,
479
00:20:01,244 --> 00:20:03,180
or gold-infused fabrics.
480
00:20:03,187 --> 00:20:06,239
Looks like you guys are drying
cheap cotton and polyester here.
481
00:20:06,246 --> 00:20:07,904
Fire was inevitable.
482
00:20:07,911 --> 00:20:09,252
Thank you, sorry.
483
00:20:09,258 --> 00:20:10,520
(PHONE VIBRATES)
484
00:20:10,526 --> 00:20:13,556
Oh, it's Heidi. Okay. Okay, it's okay.
485
00:20:14,151 --> 00:20:15,620
Hey, Heidi.
486
00:20:15,627 --> 00:20:18,281
Yeah, it was a small dryer fire.
487
00:20:20,291 --> 00:20:21,297
Great!
488
00:20:21,303 --> 00:20:23,399
Enjoy the Hamptons,
and I'll talk to you soon.
489
00:20:24,513 --> 00:20:25,544
Um,
490
00:20:25,856 --> 00:20:27,813
she didn't even know
there was a laundry room.
491
00:20:27,820 --> 00:20:29,424
Uh, doesn't affect her in any way.
492
00:20:29,431 --> 00:20:30,945
- Wow.
- That must be nice.
493
00:20:30,952 --> 00:20:32,283
You wanna head back inside?
494
00:20:32,290 --> 00:20:35,931
Um... I don't think so.
495
00:20:35,938 --> 00:20:38,581
Thanks for coming over.
It was... interesting.
496
00:20:39,894 --> 00:20:42,157
- Goodbye, Abbi.
- 'Kay.
497
00:20:45,441 --> 00:20:46,976
Richard, wait.
498
00:20:50,343 --> 00:20:52,002
Do you...
499
00:20:53,798 --> 00:20:55,572
jerk off to your students?
500
00:20:56,228 --> 00:20:57,700
All teachers do.
501
00:20:58,447 --> 00:21:00,016
You kinda have to.
502
00:21:02,811 --> 00:21:04,841
Hey, Abbi, one more thing.
503
00:21:05,567 --> 00:21:07,680
You have to keep reading.
504
00:21:07,687 --> 00:21:09,681
Your brain is a muscle.
505
00:21:09,876 --> 00:21:11,581
If you don't use it regularly...
506
00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:14,472
it goes away.
507
00:21:15,268 --> 00:21:16,836
What a righteous dude.
508
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:20,456
? Don't you ?
509
00:21:21,020 --> 00:21:23,416
? Forget about me ?
510
00:21:23,423 --> 00:21:26,298
- Synced and corrected by Shazi89 -
- www.addic7ed.com -
511
00:21:29,236 --> 00:21:30,996
I get carded almost all the time.
512
00:21:31,003 --> 00:21:34,565
Like, almost every time there's,
like, an age limit, I'm questioned.
513
00:21:34,572 --> 00:21:35,958
I bet... Because people think
514
00:21:35,965 --> 00:21:37,889
I'm... way younger.
515
00:21:37,896 --> 00:21:40,833
Yeah, definitely ten
years ago, I'm sure.
516
00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:43,624
I mean, for sure.
517
00:21:44,245 --> 00:21:45,908
(FUNKY MUSIC)
518
00:21:47,955 --> 00:21:51,206
We all started, I mean,
you know, just specifically
519
00:21:51,213 --> 00:21:54,642
Hannibal, Arturo, and us,
none of us had any experience.
520
00:21:54,649 --> 00:21:56,139
We didn't have like TV experience.
521
00:21:56,146 --> 00:21:57,621
We're working on Broad City all year,
522
00:21:57,628 --> 00:21:59,608
but Hannibal and Arturo
are going and acting on
523
00:21:59,615 --> 00:22:01,986
different things and I
really felt their experience
524
00:22:01,993 --> 00:22:04,222
come back to the set and feed the set.
525
00:22:04,229 --> 00:22:06,992
It's good to see everybody,
it's good to see just how
526
00:22:06,999 --> 00:22:09,768
they've grown as actors
527
00:22:09,775 --> 00:22:12,537
as business women, as creators.
528
00:22:12,544 --> 00:22:14,899
They're both directing episodes now.
529
00:22:14,906 --> 00:22:16,405
It's been great to see a progression.
530
00:22:16,411 --> 00:22:18,119
Jaime, be strong.
531
00:22:18,126 --> 00:22:20,241
Penis, be weak.
532
00:22:20,584 --> 00:22:21,986
Be weak!
533
00:22:22,150 --> 00:22:24,847
They're so talented,
both of them in their own
534
00:22:24,854 --> 00:22:27,424
individual ways,
and I hope that we keep writing
535
00:22:27,431 --> 00:22:30,619
to their strengths, but their
strengths keep expanding.
536
00:22:30,625 --> 00:22:34,156
And I feel like I learn
more about how good
537
00:22:34,162 --> 00:22:35,624
they were from directing them.
538
00:22:35,630 --> 00:22:38,630
Okay, so we have to talk about
this whole relationship thing.
539
00:22:38,637 --> 00:22:39,798
- What?
- Think about what
540
00:22:39,805 --> 00:22:43,165
we have sacrificed to enter
this sexless fart party!
541
00:22:43,171 --> 00:22:45,568
People get emotionally
invested with characters.
542
00:22:45,574 --> 00:22:47,403
I've done it before
with a television show.
543
00:22:47,409 --> 00:22:49,659
When somebody break up,
I'd be like they broke up!
544
00:22:49,666 --> 00:22:52,928
I can't believe it,
I want them to get back together.
545
00:22:52,935 --> 00:22:54,577
(DOOR OPENING)
546
00:22:54,583 --> 00:22:56,345
Hello my dear!
547
00:22:56,351 --> 00:22:58,714
- (ILANA SNICKERS)
- Hello, my um,
548
00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:00,549
my fluid dude!
549
00:23:00,555 --> 00:23:02,218
They never really doubted
550
00:23:02,224 --> 00:23:05,488
that I'd be back and then,
I didn't, but I think
551
00:23:05,494 --> 00:23:08,724
the fans just really
thought I was off the show.
552
00:23:08,730 --> 00:23:11,394
He's my boyfriend. (GIGGLES)
553
00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:13,854
I'm having sex with a girl
and afterwards she's like
554
00:23:13,861 --> 00:23:15,631
"so you know if you gonna be back?"
555
00:23:15,637 --> 00:23:18,367
And hey, this isn't the time
for that, first of all.
556
00:23:18,373 --> 00:23:20,369
This is not what we're
here for, this is not
557
00:23:20,375 --> 00:23:23,739
a meet and greet,
this is not an interview.
558
00:23:24,227 --> 00:23:27,109
I don't want to talk
storylines with you right now
559
00:23:27,115 --> 00:23:29,317
I just met you four hours ago.
560
00:23:29,367 --> 00:23:33,917
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