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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,210 --> 00:00:03,384 You know sometimes a 21 minute 15 second episode of Broad City 2 00:00:03,390 --> 00:00:06,039 isn't enough of the world of Broad City for me 3 00:00:06,046 --> 00:00:07,093 No, me niether. 4 00:00:07,100 --> 00:00:09,540 Right after this episode you are gonna get behind the scenes 5 00:00:09,547 --> 00:00:13,107 exclusive footage of how our show Broad City is made. 6 00:00:13,113 --> 00:00:15,610 It is like a behind the curtain look at Broad City. 7 00:00:15,616 --> 00:00:18,246 Very informative and you're gonna dig it. 8 00:00:18,252 --> 00:00:20,781 Stay tuned after the episode for a behind the scenes look 9 00:00:20,787 --> 00:00:22,316 at the making of Broad City 10 00:00:22,322 --> 00:00:24,218 - I love a good BTS - Me, too. 11 00:00:24,224 --> 00:00:27,620 - I love a hot BTS - BTS to the BTS, baby! 12 00:00:28,291 --> 00:00:30,577 - Thank you for house-sitting. - Thank you. 13 00:00:30,584 --> 00:00:32,819 I'm taking Oliver for detox in the Hamptons. 14 00:00:32,826 --> 00:00:35,129 Standardized testing has really stressed him out. 15 00:00:35,135 --> 00:00:36,397 Hm. 16 00:00:36,403 --> 00:00:39,233 Now here, make sure you feed the blue macaw, 17 00:00:39,239 --> 00:00:41,569 and make sure the house gets a lot of positive energy. 18 00:00:41,575 --> 00:00:42,870 I think I can manage that. 19 00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:44,238 Great. 20 00:00:44,244 --> 00:00:46,140 Oliver, our Uber's close. 21 00:00:46,146 --> 00:00:47,808 Times tables! Topic sentences! 22 00:00:47,814 --> 00:00:49,577 Five paragraph essay! Five paragraph essay! 23 00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:51,412 Oliver, chill, chill, chill. 24 00:00:51,418 --> 00:00:53,414 Standardized testing does not define you. 25 00:00:53,420 --> 00:00:55,249 Nothing can happen in the global economy 26 00:00:55,255 --> 00:00:57,585 that will ever make you need to work. 27 00:00:57,591 --> 00:00:59,187 (HELICOPTER APPROACHING) 28 00:00:59,193 --> 00:01:01,122 Hi, Uber, we're out front! 29 00:01:01,128 --> 00:01:04,292 Whoa! A helicopter? I thought Uber just had cars. 30 00:01:04,298 --> 00:01:05,760 Uber has cars? 31 00:01:05,766 --> 00:01:07,334 - (CAR HORNS BLARING) - Uh-huh. 32 00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:12,166 Buh-bye! 33 00:01:12,461 --> 00:01:14,434 Enjoy the Hamptons! 34 00:01:14,441 --> 00:01:15,676 (HELICOPTER FLYING AWAY) 35 00:01:18,791 --> 00:01:21,375 Wow... okay, dude, we're safe. 36 00:01:22,337 --> 00:01:24,611 (GRUNTING) 37 00:01:24,618 --> 00:01:25,853 Ooh. 38 00:01:29,531 --> 00:01:31,075 You know, there's a gate right there. 39 00:01:31,082 --> 00:01:32,295 Oh. 40 00:01:32,301 --> 00:01:34,430 ? Four and three and two and one-one ? 41 00:01:34,436 --> 00:01:36,748 ?? 42 00:01:36,881 --> 00:01:39,475 - Synced and corrected by Shazi89 - - www.addic7ed.com - 43 00:01:41,333 --> 00:01:42,749 This is unreal. 44 00:01:42,756 --> 00:01:45,319 Double jumbo capacity washer-dryer, 45 00:01:45,325 --> 00:01:47,988 cleaning 25 pounds of your dirtiest dog shit 46 00:01:47,994 --> 00:01:49,290 at lightening speed. 47 00:01:49,304 --> 00:01:52,874 ?? 48 00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:03,724 Now, mademoiselle, to the tour. 49 00:02:04,743 --> 00:02:07,740 (FAST CLASSICAL PIANO PLAYING) 50 00:02:07,747 --> 00:02:10,550 ?? 51 00:02:14,380 --> 00:02:15,383 Mmm. 52 00:02:15,661 --> 00:02:19,518 (FRENCH ACCENT) Enter ze master bath. 53 00:02:19,525 --> 00:02:22,121 (NORMAL VOICE) Italian marble, Asian marble, 54 00:02:22,128 --> 00:02:25,675 Puerto Rican marble, every ethnicity of marble. 55 00:02:26,232 --> 00:02:27,801 And the coochie de gras... 56 00:02:29,985 --> 00:02:31,035 (ABBI GASPS) 57 00:02:31,042 --> 00:02:32,304 Is that a bidet? 58 00:02:32,405 --> 00:02:35,141 - You bidet believe it is. - Ow. 59 00:02:38,178 --> 00:02:39,807 (BIDET BEEPING) 60 00:02:39,813 --> 00:02:40,841 Let's try staccato. 61 00:02:40,847 --> 00:02:43,344 (WATER SPRAYING) 62 00:02:43,350 --> 00:02:45,636 I'm gonna check on my online dating profiles. 63 00:02:45,643 --> 00:02:47,801 Whew, the water is perfectly warmed 64 00:02:47,808 --> 00:02:50,405 - to accommodate my anus. - Oh, my God, dude. 65 00:02:50,412 --> 00:02:53,344 My high school English teacher, Mr. Miller, is on Bumble. 66 00:02:55,327 --> 00:02:58,057 - (WATER RUNNING) - That is unreal! 67 00:02:58,064 --> 00:02:59,960 Oh, also your Bumble thing is hot. 68 00:02:59,966 --> 00:03:01,865 I don't know, I feel like it's a little creepy. 69 00:03:01,888 --> 00:03:05,366 Hell yeah, sometimes in life you need creepy, freaky fucks. 70 00:03:05,372 --> 00:03:07,191 Plus, you guys are both adults now. 71 00:03:07,198 --> 00:03:09,625 You must swipe "yas," you cannot swipe "nas." 72 00:03:09,632 --> 00:03:11,704 Yeah, you're right, we are both adults now. 73 00:03:11,711 --> 00:03:13,347 Plus, I always had a thing for him. 74 00:03:13,354 --> 00:03:15,141 Yeah, teachers are the ultimate fantasy. 75 00:03:15,148 --> 00:03:17,837 - Yeah, you know what? - You're right. I'm doing it. 76 00:03:18,662 --> 00:03:19,748 (PHONE BEEPS) 77 00:03:19,755 --> 00:03:20,960 Oh, my God. Okay, we matched. 78 00:03:20,967 --> 00:03:22,938 Hell yeah, you did, you creepy bitch. 79 00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:24,849 - All right, what do I say? - Say, um... 80 00:03:24,864 --> 00:03:26,860 I need help studying for my ACTs 81 00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:29,043 and I'm trying to get a 69. 82 00:03:31,164 --> 00:03:34,161 I'm gonna write, "Hey. Long time." 83 00:03:34,578 --> 00:03:36,017 Okay, sent. 84 00:03:36,734 --> 00:03:38,630 (WATER RUNNING HEAVILY) 85 00:03:38,637 --> 00:03:40,333 Okay, um, he's typing. 86 00:03:40,340 --> 00:03:42,069 (WATER CONTINUES RUNNING) 87 00:03:42,075 --> 00:03:43,775 He's still typing. Jesus. 88 00:03:45,057 --> 00:03:46,551 Okay, he's... Okay, he wrote, 89 00:03:46,558 --> 00:03:48,446 "I'm in town, do you want to meet up tonight?" 90 00:03:48,453 --> 00:03:50,649 (MOANING AND LAUGHING) 91 00:03:51,384 --> 00:03:53,480 Is that about the message or the bidet? 92 00:03:53,486 --> 00:03:55,349 (WATER PRESSURE DECREASES) 93 00:03:55,355 --> 00:03:57,418 Honestly, both. 94 00:03:57,424 --> 00:03:59,588 He should come here. This place is so adult. 95 00:03:59,595 --> 00:04:01,221 You know, you'll seem older than he is. 96 00:04:01,227 --> 00:04:02,375 That's perfect. 97 00:04:02,382 --> 00:04:03,835 Okay, I'm gonna say that 98 00:04:03,849 --> 00:04:06,968 we're having an adults-only soiree 99 00:04:06,975 --> 00:04:09,037 - (FINGERS SNAP) - and that he should stop by. Casual. 100 00:04:09,044 --> 00:04:10,091 Love it. 101 00:04:10,098 --> 00:04:11,332 (PHONE BEEPS) 102 00:04:11,338 --> 00:04:13,664 Gaga, now all that's left is prep. 103 00:04:13,671 --> 00:04:15,797 Sit your sweet ass on this bidet. 104 00:04:15,804 --> 00:04:17,973 I feel like a wine glass fresh out of the dishwasher. 105 00:04:26,953 --> 00:04:27,966 (BIDET BEEPING) 106 00:04:30,924 --> 00:04:32,843 (WATER RUNNING) Oh... 107 00:04:32,850 --> 00:04:33,913 Now get into it. 108 00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:35,578 So what's going on with you and Lincoln? 109 00:04:35,585 --> 00:04:37,389 It's official now. He's, like, your boyfriend. 110 00:04:37,396 --> 00:04:38,979 Yeah, you know, it's just that, 111 00:04:38,994 --> 00:04:41,882 um, just trying not to choke it out with a label. 112 00:04:41,889 --> 00:04:43,890 You know, I'm just like, it is an essential part 113 00:04:43,897 --> 00:04:45,833 of my character that I'm just not into labels. 114 00:04:45,839 --> 00:04:48,262 So we're just enjoying the ride. 115 00:04:48,269 --> 00:04:50,251 - Yeah, I think that's great. - (PHONE BEEPS) 116 00:04:51,028 --> 00:04:52,051 Oh, dude, it's him. 117 00:04:52,058 --> 00:04:54,287 - Okay, he's on his way. - (GASPS) 118 00:04:54,546 --> 00:04:55,914 (DOORBELL RINGS) 119 00:04:55,921 --> 00:04:57,420 Oh, my God. That was fast. 120 00:04:57,427 --> 00:05:00,530 Yikes. Hot, dude. Dry that sweet ass and move. 121 00:05:01,488 --> 00:05:02,912 It's wet. 122 00:05:03,790 --> 00:05:06,032 You know what, I think I need to change into something 123 00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:08,489 a little more casual like... resort wear? 124 00:05:08,495 --> 00:05:11,798 "Resort wear"? You are naturally rich. 125 00:05:14,013 --> 00:05:16,213 - You ready? - Yeah. 126 00:05:16,487 --> 00:05:17,898 Wait, wait, wait, hold on. 127 00:05:17,904 --> 00:05:20,200 Um, do like... 128 00:05:20,206 --> 00:05:21,936 This is, like, a little more mature. 129 00:05:21,942 --> 00:05:23,777 - Ooh, perfect. - Great. 130 00:05:27,976 --> 00:05:29,576 - Oh. Jaim�. - (ILANA) Hi. 131 00:05:29,583 --> 00:05:31,349 - God, you're a princess... - Thank you. 132 00:05:31,356 --> 00:05:33,480 - In a castle. - Hey. 133 00:05:33,487 --> 00:05:35,717 - How you holding up, BB? - Ay, how do you think? 134 00:05:35,724 --> 00:05:37,903 You know, I had an adult circumcision 135 00:05:37,910 --> 00:05:40,931 and I cannot get hard for two more weeks. 136 00:05:40,938 --> 00:05:42,434 Why can't you get hard? 137 00:05:42,896 --> 00:05:44,525 'Cause his stitches will tear. 138 00:05:44,531 --> 00:05:45,993 - My penis. - Duh. 139 00:05:45,999 --> 00:05:48,395 Oh, obviously. 140 00:05:48,401 --> 00:05:50,264 (WHISPERS) You can't just hold books. 141 00:05:50,270 --> 00:05:51,565 You have to actually read them. 142 00:05:51,571 --> 00:05:52,643 Yeah. 143 00:05:53,874 --> 00:05:56,938 (ANGELIC MUSIC) 144 00:05:56,961 --> 00:05:58,763 ?? 145 00:06:03,583 --> 00:06:06,447 (ALL LAUGHING) 146 00:06:06,453 --> 00:06:09,416 - (WASHING MACHINE RUMBLING) - Oh, my God. Um... 147 00:06:09,422 --> 00:06:11,986 I cannot be around vibrations in my current state. 148 00:06:11,992 --> 00:06:14,747 - Do you mind if we just... - Okay. 149 00:06:15,395 --> 00:06:18,865 (FAST CLASSICAL PIANO PLAYING) 150 00:06:21,968 --> 00:06:24,265 So... Italian marble, 151 00:06:24,271 --> 00:06:26,066 Asian marble, Puerto Rican marble, 152 00:06:26,072 --> 00:06:29,109 and... the coochie de gras. 153 00:06:30,889 --> 00:06:32,091 (JAIM� GASPS) 154 00:06:32,098 --> 00:06:35,829 A bidet is synonymous with sex in rich Guatemala. 155 00:06:36,116 --> 00:06:38,212 A boner is inevitable, I cannot be in here. 156 00:06:38,218 --> 00:06:39,513 - I'm so sorry. I... I... - Go. 157 00:06:39,519 --> 00:06:41,181 - I see. Wow. - (DOORBELL RINGS) 158 00:06:41,187 --> 00:06:42,989 (ABBI) Shit, dude, my teacher's here! 159 00:06:46,426 --> 00:06:49,089 Hello, my dear! 160 00:06:49,095 --> 00:06:51,025 (ILANA) Hello, my, um, 161 00:06:51,031 --> 00:06:53,217 my fluid... dude. 162 00:06:53,224 --> 00:06:54,753 Uh... 163 00:06:55,035 --> 00:06:56,397 - Hey. - Hey. 164 00:06:56,403 --> 00:06:58,399 Oh, my... 165 00:06:58,405 --> 00:07:00,034 Okay. He's here, he's here. 166 00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:01,101 - Oh. - (DOORBELL RINGS) 167 00:07:01,107 --> 00:07:02,742 (GROANS) 168 00:07:03,209 --> 00:07:04,244 We got it. 169 00:07:07,681 --> 00:07:09,443 - Hey. - Hey, Abbi. 170 00:07:09,449 --> 00:07:10,945 Hey, Mr. Miller. 171 00:07:10,951 --> 00:07:12,046 - Richard. - Richard. 172 00:07:12,052 --> 00:07:13,553 (DOOR CLOSES) 173 00:07:15,422 --> 00:07:18,485 Um, hey, Ilana, Lincoln, 174 00:07:18,491 --> 00:07:20,267 uh, this is a man. 175 00:07:20,274 --> 00:07:23,271 And this is Lincoln, he is a... a man, as well. 176 00:07:23,566 --> 00:07:25,059 Friend from way back when. 177 00:07:25,065 --> 00:07:26,120 Pal and a confidant. 178 00:07:26,127 --> 00:07:28,262 Former teacher. He's not my teacher anymore. 179 00:07:28,268 --> 00:07:29,354 We're on a date now. 180 00:07:29,361 --> 00:07:31,989 And this is Lincoln. He is my... 181 00:07:33,791 --> 00:07:36,062 boy... friend? 182 00:07:38,893 --> 00:07:41,580 Yeah. He's my boyfriend. 183 00:07:42,415 --> 00:07:43,677 (RICHARD) That's great. 184 00:07:43,696 --> 00:07:46,514 Wow, that took a long time... 185 00:07:47,447 --> 00:07:48,673 to say. 186 00:07:52,093 --> 00:07:53,956 Huh, a taxidermy room. 187 00:07:54,135 --> 00:07:56,170 Oh. Nothing. Hi. 188 00:07:56,177 --> 00:07:58,687 Uh, Jaim�, this is, um... 189 00:07:59,250 --> 00:08:00,274 Richard. 190 00:08:00,281 --> 00:08:03,614 Um... he was my teach guy. 191 00:08:04,157 --> 00:08:06,353 Not anymore. That's why we're on a date. 192 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:08,902 - I mean, it's not why... - He used to be your teacher? 193 00:08:08,909 --> 00:08:11,590 And now you're on a date? 194 00:08:11,597 --> 00:08:12,893 Yes. 195 00:08:12,900 --> 00:08:16,097 Ow. Excuse me, I'm gonna... 196 00:08:16,103 --> 00:08:19,242 Ow! Can't... touch. I'm so sorry. 197 00:08:19,249 --> 00:08:20,656 (JAIM� GRUNTING) 198 00:08:21,542 --> 00:08:24,339 (ANGELIC MUSIC) 199 00:08:24,345 --> 00:08:27,214 ?? 200 00:08:31,485 --> 00:08:33,834 Okay, is it kinda weird that we're on a date? 201 00:08:33,841 --> 00:08:35,426 I mean, not really. 202 00:08:35,433 --> 00:08:37,473 I mean, we're adults, right? 203 00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:39,954 Yeah, you're right. I am an adult now. "Supposably." 204 00:08:39,976 --> 00:08:42,457 Supposedly. With a "D." 205 00:08:42,463 --> 00:08:44,191 Sorry. English teacher mode. 206 00:08:44,198 --> 00:08:45,993 It's fine. 207 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:48,963 Speaking of which, I did love it when 208 00:08:48,969 --> 00:08:51,671 you used to make Tina Palmer stop saying "like" so much. 209 00:08:51,678 --> 00:08:53,334 She'd never let me sit at her lunch table 210 00:08:53,340 --> 00:08:55,017 because, "like, I wasn't hot enough." 211 00:08:55,024 --> 00:08:56,160 - What? - Yeah! 212 00:08:56,167 --> 00:08:58,039 You were so much cuter than her. 213 00:08:58,529 --> 00:09:00,613 I mean, you're not so bad yourself. 214 00:09:01,048 --> 00:09:03,411 I used to think about you like that. 215 00:09:03,417 --> 00:09:05,919 I used to think about you like that too. 216 00:09:12,269 --> 00:09:14,489 I, um... 217 00:09:14,495 --> 00:09:16,524 I have to go piss... 218 00:09:16,530 --> 00:09:18,298 hard. 219 00:09:19,533 --> 00:09:21,362 I'm gonna... 220 00:09:21,368 --> 00:09:24,332 - Hon, do zip me up. - Of course, m'lady. 221 00:09:24,338 --> 00:09:25,683 Mmm. 222 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:28,560 Oh, sweetie, let me get that for you. 223 00:09:28,575 --> 00:09:30,338 Your fingers are for two things. 224 00:09:30,344 --> 00:09:32,340 Filling cavities, and filling cavities. 225 00:09:32,678 --> 00:09:34,575 (CHUCKLING) Oh, you! 226 00:09:34,581 --> 00:09:37,072 Mm. My man. 227 00:09:37,078 --> 00:09:40,783 Ilana, I'm gonna be honest 'cause we're in a relationship now. 228 00:09:40,790 --> 00:09:42,716 I don't think you got this 100% right. 229 00:09:42,723 --> 00:09:44,895 This is... this is horrible. 230 00:09:44,902 --> 00:09:48,148 I promise to improve. You're my priority now. 231 00:09:48,155 --> 00:09:50,558 (ABBI) Ilana? 232 00:09:51,111 --> 00:09:52,660 I need to talk. 233 00:09:52,666 --> 00:09:55,196 BRB, Abbi's a priority. 234 00:09:55,202 --> 00:09:57,498 - Whoa, love that outfit. - Thank you. 235 00:09:57,504 --> 00:10:00,001 Okay, I don't know if I can do this with Richard. 236 00:10:00,007 --> 00:10:01,741 He's, like, really creeping me out. 237 00:10:01,748 --> 00:10:03,604 - Mmm, so hot. - No, it's not, okay? 238 00:10:03,610 --> 00:10:06,574 He said he thought about me like that. 239 00:10:06,580 --> 00:10:08,489 Like, when I was his student, though. 240 00:10:08,496 --> 00:10:09,744 I mean, you don't think... 241 00:10:09,750 --> 00:10:11,346 that he jerked off to me? 242 00:10:11,352 --> 00:10:13,100 - Yeah. - Really? 243 00:10:13,107 --> 00:10:14,248 Bitch, durr. 244 00:10:14,254 --> 00:10:16,017 All teachers jerk off to their students. 245 00:10:16,023 --> 00:10:18,542 No, they don't. All teachers do not jerk off to their students. 246 00:10:18,549 --> 00:10:19,977 Oh, sweet Abbi. 247 00:10:19,984 --> 00:10:23,017 Once students have flowered, teachers are either fucking them 248 00:10:23,024 --> 00:10:24,258 or jerking off to them. 249 00:10:24,264 --> 00:10:27,067 Respect the ones who only jerk off. The other ones are in the news. 250 00:10:27,074 --> 00:10:28,827 No, no, no! 251 00:10:28,834 --> 00:10:30,031 Ilana, no. 252 00:10:30,037 --> 00:10:31,536 We can't control our thoughts, dude. 253 00:10:31,543 --> 00:10:32,770 Jerking off is not a crime. 254 00:10:32,777 --> 00:10:34,304 Well, it depends on where you do it. 255 00:10:34,311 --> 00:10:35,859 In the privacy of their own home? 256 00:10:35,866 --> 00:10:38,063 Listen, if Lincoln and I ever have children... 257 00:10:38,070 --> 00:10:40,830 And believe me, we're not talking about that for a couple of years... 258 00:10:40,837 --> 00:10:42,710 I hope their teachers are jerking off to them. 259 00:10:42,716 --> 00:10:44,412 You do? 260 00:10:44,418 --> 00:10:46,114 If it keeps their disgusting hands 261 00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:47,515 off my hot-ass, bl-ewish kids, 262 00:10:47,521 --> 00:10:49,217 then yeah. 263 00:10:49,223 --> 00:10:51,296 I don't know, it still creeps me out. 264 00:10:51,303 --> 00:10:53,388 All right, let's get real. 265 00:10:53,757 --> 00:10:55,765 You ever jerk off to JTT? 266 00:10:56,720 --> 00:10:58,486 Jonathan Taylor Thomas? 267 00:10:58,493 --> 00:10:59,694 Yeah, I mean, all the time. 268 00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:01,162 As he was on "Home Improvement," 269 00:11:01,168 --> 00:11:03,765 that poreless, olive skin? 270 00:11:03,771 --> 00:11:05,333 Or as he is now, a present day, 271 00:11:05,339 --> 00:11:07,689 31-year-old actor? 272 00:11:08,931 --> 00:11:10,471 Oh, no. 273 00:11:10,477 --> 00:11:12,891 I've been jerking off to a teenager every other night. 274 00:11:12,898 --> 00:11:15,242 And are you a creep? Are you a criminal? 275 00:11:15,249 --> 00:11:17,278 We're all jerking off to teenagers. 276 00:11:17,284 --> 00:11:19,743 And I'll tell you what, they're jerking off to us too. 277 00:11:19,750 --> 00:11:22,417 That's the circle of life. 278 00:11:22,423 --> 00:11:24,452 When you say it like that, it's not creepy at all. 279 00:11:24,458 --> 00:11:25,742 Yes, dude. 280 00:11:25,749 --> 00:11:27,088 Jerking off is all we got. 281 00:11:27,094 --> 00:11:28,489 It literally saves the world. 282 00:11:29,151 --> 00:11:30,725 Thank you. 283 00:11:31,301 --> 00:11:32,535 (GRUNTS) 284 00:11:35,469 --> 00:11:36,698 Oh... 285 00:11:36,704 --> 00:11:38,373 ? It's for the look ? 286 00:11:38,380 --> 00:11:39,592 ? I don't light it ? 287 00:11:39,599 --> 00:11:40,660 Love it. 288 00:11:40,667 --> 00:11:41,703 (BREAKS WIND) 289 00:11:41,709 --> 00:11:43,816 - Oh, sorry, I'm sorry. - Don't... 290 00:11:43,823 --> 00:11:44,872 Don't even, it's... 291 00:11:44,878 --> 00:11:46,878 I'm a grown man, so I should have more control 292 00:11:46,885 --> 00:11:48,209 over my pelvic flow, that's all. 293 00:11:48,215 --> 00:11:51,263 No, farts are part of the total relationship package. 294 00:11:51,270 --> 00:11:52,528 - Yeah? - Mm-hmm. 295 00:11:52,535 --> 00:11:54,682 Watch this. 296 00:11:54,688 --> 00:11:56,117 (BREAKS WIND) 297 00:11:56,123 --> 00:11:58,478 - (BREAKS WIND) - (LAUGHING) 298 00:11:58,485 --> 00:11:59,854 (BREAKS WIND) Yes! 299 00:11:59,860 --> 00:12:01,789 (BREAKS WIND RHYTHMICALLY) 300 00:12:01,795 --> 00:12:03,849 - (BREAKS WIND) - (LAUGHING) 301 00:12:03,856 --> 00:12:05,730 - (BREAKS WIND) - (GASPS) 302 00:12:06,300 --> 00:12:09,797 Yeah. This is like a breakdance battle, but not at all. 303 00:12:09,803 --> 00:12:12,239 (BREAKS HEAVY WIND) 304 00:12:15,269 --> 00:12:17,205 That was different from the others. 305 00:12:17,211 --> 00:12:19,246 (HOARSE) All good. Excuse me one sec. 306 00:12:22,461 --> 00:12:23,745 (CHOKING) 307 00:12:23,751 --> 00:12:26,025 Hey, Ilana, have some perspective. 308 00:12:26,032 --> 00:12:29,368 You shat yourself at a party five weeks ago. 309 00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:36,491 Hey, sorry about those last few things I said. 310 00:12:36,497 --> 00:12:38,180 That sort of came out weird. 311 00:12:38,187 --> 00:12:39,327 It's fine. 312 00:12:39,333 --> 00:12:41,629 If we met right now, you'd just be, like, 313 00:12:41,635 --> 00:12:44,165 a hot dude who happens to teach. 314 00:12:44,608 --> 00:12:46,076 All right. 315 00:12:47,007 --> 00:12:49,336 This is, um, actually pretty good. 316 00:12:49,343 --> 00:12:51,339 Yes, this is, uh, it's amazing. 317 00:12:51,345 --> 00:12:54,709 Got sort of a full body with a tannic grip. 318 00:12:54,715 --> 00:12:57,312 Yeah, I... I love... 319 00:12:57,318 --> 00:12:59,629 full bodies with tannic grips. 320 00:13:00,229 --> 00:13:02,692 I love those things with my wine. 321 00:13:04,084 --> 00:13:05,947 - What do you mean? - Oh, just, 322 00:13:05,954 --> 00:13:07,288 what you said. 323 00:13:07,294 --> 00:13:08,786 I was like, "Yep, mm-hmm, me too." 324 00:13:08,793 --> 00:13:10,394 Yeah. 325 00:13:13,634 --> 00:13:16,531 His and hers casket sheets. 326 00:13:16,537 --> 00:13:18,933 This is amazing... 327 00:13:18,939 --> 00:13:21,841 (SIGHS) Oh, I forgot to tell you 328 00:13:21,848 --> 00:13:23,830 we have brunch with Abbi and Jaim� on Saturday. 329 00:13:23,837 --> 00:13:27,634 Oh, I can't, I already have golf with Dr. Tims. 330 00:13:27,641 --> 00:13:31,793 Okay, I guess we have to make a shared Google Calendar now 331 00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:33,614 so we don't double-book all the time. 332 00:13:33,620 --> 00:13:36,190 Sounds like a great idea. I love Google Calendar. 333 00:13:44,765 --> 00:13:46,233 "Current events..." 334 00:13:48,235 --> 00:13:51,833 (FAST CLASSICAL PIANO PLAYING) 335 00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:54,702 It's all good. Ay, Dios m�o. 336 00:13:54,708 --> 00:13:56,710 ?? 337 00:13:59,862 --> 00:14:01,976 That's not good. Books... 338 00:14:02,823 --> 00:14:04,158 Ay! 339 00:14:05,048 --> 00:14:06,280 Ay, stop it! My stitches! 340 00:14:06,286 --> 00:14:09,384 My stitches! Please! Please! 341 00:14:09,941 --> 00:14:11,909 Ah, hello, Europe. 342 00:14:17,315 --> 00:14:20,261 (SCREAMS) 343 00:14:20,267 --> 00:14:23,203 ?? 344 00:14:26,473 --> 00:14:28,736 I really enjoy Monet's early impressionism. 345 00:14:28,742 --> 00:14:30,538 I mean, I was reading about his process 346 00:14:30,544 --> 00:14:32,607 - in "The New Yorker"... - Hold on a second. 347 00:14:32,613 --> 00:14:33,963 You read "The New Yorker"? 348 00:14:33,970 --> 00:14:35,825 Yeah, a lot. 349 00:14:35,832 --> 00:14:37,345 Wow, like, the whole thing? 350 00:14:38,335 --> 00:14:40,415 Yeah. Yeah, I usually get through it. 351 00:14:41,359 --> 00:14:43,351 That's so hot. That's, like, 352 00:14:43,919 --> 00:14:45,254 super sexy. 353 00:14:46,439 --> 00:14:47,841 That I can read? 354 00:14:50,947 --> 00:14:54,236 (PANICKING) 355 00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:57,304 "Pretend like it's day one." 356 00:14:59,039 --> 00:15:02,036 Pretend like it's day one. 357 00:15:02,042 --> 00:15:05,940 Damn, reading is so dope. 358 00:15:06,559 --> 00:15:09,577 ?? 359 00:15:09,583 --> 00:15:11,452 ? Mirror, mirror, on the wall ? 360 00:15:11,459 --> 00:15:13,715 ? Tell me what you see ? 361 00:15:13,721 --> 00:15:15,984 ? It's that, oh my God, it's lookin' heavenly ? 362 00:15:15,990 --> 00:15:17,493 ? Ooh ? 363 00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:20,531 ? Poppin' Power Rangers, purple, yellow, pink ? 364 00:15:20,728 --> 00:15:23,858 ? Throwin' ones, wonder what my mama think ? 365 00:15:23,864 --> 00:15:26,995 ? Feelin' like a stripper when I'm lookin' in the mirror ? 366 00:15:27,001 --> 00:15:30,741 ? I'll be slappin' on that ass gettin' thicker and thicker ? 367 00:15:30,748 --> 00:15:31,799 ? Ohh! ? 368 00:15:31,805 --> 00:15:35,162 Calling Dr. Rice. I have a bad cavity 369 00:15:35,169 --> 00:15:36,537 that needs to get drill... 370 00:15:36,543 --> 00:15:38,430 (BREAKS WIND) 371 00:15:42,390 --> 00:15:44,259 Ugh. Wake up! 372 00:15:44,266 --> 00:15:45,318 (YELPS) 373 00:15:45,325 --> 00:15:48,223 Okay, so we have to talk about this whole relationship thing. 374 00:15:48,230 --> 00:15:50,025 - What? - Think about what we have sacrificed 375 00:15:50,031 --> 00:15:53,141 to enter this sexless fart party. 376 00:15:53,148 --> 00:15:54,847 When was the last time we even had sex? 377 00:15:54,854 --> 00:15:56,383 We had sex an hour ago. 378 00:15:56,390 --> 00:15:57,952 And that's good enough for you? 379 00:15:58,686 --> 00:16:00,325 I... I... I can't. 380 00:16:03,445 --> 00:16:06,214 Told you I have a refractory period. 381 00:16:10,051 --> 00:16:12,254 - Oh, good. Chess pieces. - There's chess pieces. 382 00:16:15,834 --> 00:16:19,065 Looks like somebody didn't do her homework. 383 00:16:19,485 --> 00:16:20,980 Wait, what? 384 00:16:21,771 --> 00:16:23,512 Ohh... Yeah. 385 00:16:23,519 --> 00:16:24,748 Um, I didn't. 386 00:16:24,755 --> 00:16:27,018 But, I don't know, is there any... 387 00:16:27,469 --> 00:16:30,099 extra credit I can do to bring my grade up? 388 00:16:30,105 --> 00:16:31,554 I don't think so. 389 00:16:31,561 --> 00:16:34,557 Looks like you're getting a big, fat "D" this semester. 390 00:16:40,427 --> 00:16:43,235 (JAIM� WHIMPERING) 391 00:16:43,242 --> 00:16:45,204 Jaim�, don't get hard. 392 00:16:45,211 --> 00:16:47,041 Okay, I gotta hash this out. 393 00:16:47,048 --> 00:16:49,232 Like, are we aiming at forever? 394 00:16:49,239 --> 00:16:51,836 - That seems ridiculous. - No. 395 00:16:51,843 --> 00:16:54,907 It's cra... I don't wanna do anything forever. 396 00:16:54,914 --> 00:16:57,911 I like spaghetti, but I don't wanna die with spaghetti. 397 00:16:57,918 --> 00:16:59,655 I mean, I might, but I don't know yet. 398 00:16:59,662 --> 00:17:01,149 I wanna take this one day at a time, 399 00:17:01,156 --> 00:17:02,479 the same way I take spaghetti. 400 00:17:02,572 --> 00:17:06,370 Yeah, 'cause a lifetime sounds ominous and scary. 401 00:17:06,377 --> 00:17:09,037 Yeah, 'cause lifetime implies death. 402 00:17:09,044 --> 00:17:10,323 Think about it like this. 403 00:17:10,330 --> 00:17:12,507 Let's say you won a lifetime supply of Doritos. 404 00:17:12,514 --> 00:17:14,376 - I'm listening. - At first you'd be psyched, 405 00:17:14,382 --> 00:17:15,638 you got all these Doritos. 406 00:17:15,645 --> 00:17:16,727 Then after a while, 407 00:17:16,734 --> 00:17:18,847 every time you went to grab a bag of Doritos, 408 00:17:18,854 --> 00:17:20,170 you're like, "Oh, I wanna die." 409 00:17:20,177 --> 00:17:22,451 - (SIGHS) - So this is what I propose. 410 00:17:22,457 --> 00:17:25,254 We do it for a year, short-term. 411 00:17:25,260 --> 00:17:28,124 And then after that year, we check in with each other. 412 00:17:28,130 --> 00:17:30,292 See how it's going, like a phone contract. 413 00:17:30,298 --> 00:17:31,927 God, I love that. 414 00:17:31,933 --> 00:17:33,496 'Cause I can do that. 415 00:17:33,503 --> 00:17:35,169 And thank you for all the food metaphors. 416 00:17:35,176 --> 00:17:36,176 You're welcome. 417 00:17:36,183 --> 00:17:37,967 I was eating spaghetti and Doritos yesterday. 418 00:17:37,974 --> 00:17:39,935 That's probably why my farts smell so violent. 419 00:17:39,941 --> 00:17:40,962 Right. 420 00:17:40,969 --> 00:17:42,862 I'm gonna avoid that combination in the future. 421 00:17:42,869 --> 00:17:44,746 I'd really appreciate that. 422 00:17:46,340 --> 00:17:49,844 (MACHINE RUMBLING) 423 00:17:52,154 --> 00:17:53,897 (WHISPERING) Jaim�, be strong. 424 00:17:53,904 --> 00:17:56,110 Penis, be weak. Be weak! 425 00:17:56,117 --> 00:17:57,429 Weak! 426 00:17:58,634 --> 00:18:02,850 Should we be doing this? You're so young. 427 00:18:03,107 --> 00:18:04,895 I mean, I'm 28. 428 00:18:05,167 --> 00:18:08,770 No, but you're, like, 17, right? 429 00:18:10,437 --> 00:18:13,501 Yeah... I am only 17. 430 00:18:13,508 --> 00:18:16,572 Yeah, like, you don't even know how to drive. 431 00:18:16,578 --> 00:18:19,441 No, I just got my license. 432 00:18:19,758 --> 00:18:22,194 I mean, it's actually just my permit. 433 00:18:27,796 --> 00:18:29,802 There you are, Abbi. 434 00:18:29,809 --> 00:18:31,641 Hold on. Get off, get off. 435 00:18:31,648 --> 00:18:33,136 - Sorry. - Okay, um... 436 00:18:33,143 --> 00:18:34,672 Were you just pulling my skin back 437 00:18:34,679 --> 00:18:38,076 so I looked more like a child? 438 00:18:38,083 --> 00:18:41,347 We were roleplaying, right? Like you're 17. 439 00:18:41,354 --> 00:18:43,083 I was trying to make you look young-ish. 440 00:18:43,090 --> 00:18:44,319 What the fuck? 441 00:18:44,326 --> 00:18:45,887 - (JAIM�) Okay, no more! - Wow! Oh, my... 442 00:18:45,894 --> 00:18:47,956 Excuse me! Excuse me! 443 00:18:48,402 --> 00:18:50,379 Jaim�! Why are you in here right now? 444 00:18:50,386 --> 00:18:51,587 Well, I'm so sorry, okay? 445 00:18:51,594 --> 00:18:53,510 But I was trying to hide in the children's room 446 00:18:53,517 --> 00:18:54,586 so I wouldn't get hard. 447 00:18:54,593 --> 00:18:56,274 But that, sir, that was just disgusting. 448 00:18:56,281 --> 00:18:57,617 I hope you know that. Disgusting. 449 00:18:57,624 --> 00:19:00,449 Yeah, you know what, Richard? That was disgusting, for one. 450 00:19:00,455 --> 00:19:03,219 For two, I exfoliate, like, almost every other day. 451 00:19:03,225 --> 00:19:04,802 And you know what? My skin is radiant. 452 00:19:04,809 --> 00:19:07,499 I don't know that much to be true, but I know this much to be true. 453 00:19:07,529 --> 00:19:09,591 Abbi, skincare is challenging. 454 00:19:09,598 --> 00:19:11,316 - Oh, my God. - But we were roleplaying. 455 00:19:11,323 --> 00:19:13,583 All right, well, that's it. 456 00:19:14,129 --> 00:19:16,007 I'm gonna leave you two alone, okay? 457 00:19:16,014 --> 00:19:17,535 But first, I want to thank you. 458 00:19:17,542 --> 00:19:19,971 That image will forever harden my soul 459 00:19:19,978 --> 00:19:21,441 but soften my peepee. 460 00:19:21,448 --> 00:19:23,444 Namaste, you sick, sick man. 461 00:19:23,512 --> 00:19:27,309 Find a reason to leave, thank you, excuse us. 462 00:19:27,315 --> 00:19:31,824 (LOUD BANGING) 463 00:19:31,831 --> 00:19:33,832 Look, Abbi, it takes two to Bumble. 464 00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:35,195 - Yeah. - I'm not your teacher. 465 00:19:35,202 --> 00:19:36,587 - You're not my student. - Okay. 466 00:19:36,594 --> 00:19:38,053 We're... 467 00:19:38,059 --> 00:19:39,551 (FIRE ALARM RINGING) 468 00:19:39,558 --> 00:19:41,454 - Oh, my Gosh. - Uh, single file! 469 00:19:41,461 --> 00:19:43,024 Single file? I'm only one person. 470 00:19:43,031 --> 00:19:45,149 Use the buddy system! 471 00:19:48,114 --> 00:19:49,521 All right, roll call. 472 00:19:49,528 --> 00:19:51,088 I think it's... I think we can see 473 00:19:51,095 --> 00:19:52,990 that we're all here, it's fine. 474 00:19:52,997 --> 00:19:54,470 All clear. 475 00:19:54,476 --> 00:19:55,496 (SIGHS) 476 00:19:55,768 --> 00:19:57,324 Dryer set fire. 477 00:19:57,331 --> 00:19:58,878 It's a Newton Elite. 478 00:19:58,885 --> 00:20:01,237 It's built only to dry satins, silk, 479 00:20:01,244 --> 00:20:03,180 or gold-infused fabrics. 480 00:20:03,187 --> 00:20:06,239 Looks like you guys are drying cheap cotton and polyester here. 481 00:20:06,246 --> 00:20:07,904 Fire was inevitable. 482 00:20:07,911 --> 00:20:09,252 Thank you, sorry. 483 00:20:09,258 --> 00:20:10,520 (PHONE VIBRATES) 484 00:20:10,526 --> 00:20:13,556 Oh, it's Heidi. Okay. Okay, it's okay. 485 00:20:14,151 --> 00:20:15,620 Hey, Heidi. 486 00:20:15,627 --> 00:20:18,281 Yeah, it was a small dryer fire. 487 00:20:20,291 --> 00:20:21,297 Great! 488 00:20:21,303 --> 00:20:23,399 Enjoy the Hamptons, and I'll talk to you soon. 489 00:20:24,513 --> 00:20:25,544 Um, 490 00:20:25,856 --> 00:20:27,813 she didn't even know there was a laundry room. 491 00:20:27,820 --> 00:20:29,424 Uh, doesn't affect her in any way. 492 00:20:29,431 --> 00:20:30,945 - Wow. - That must be nice. 493 00:20:30,952 --> 00:20:32,283 You wanna head back inside? 494 00:20:32,290 --> 00:20:35,931 Um... I don't think so. 495 00:20:35,938 --> 00:20:38,581 Thanks for coming over. It was... interesting. 496 00:20:39,894 --> 00:20:42,157 - Goodbye, Abbi. - 'Kay. 497 00:20:45,441 --> 00:20:46,976 Richard, wait. 498 00:20:50,343 --> 00:20:52,002 Do you... 499 00:20:53,798 --> 00:20:55,572 jerk off to your students? 500 00:20:56,228 --> 00:20:57,700 All teachers do. 501 00:20:58,447 --> 00:21:00,016 You kinda have to. 502 00:21:02,811 --> 00:21:04,841 Hey, Abbi, one more thing. 503 00:21:05,567 --> 00:21:07,680 You have to keep reading. 504 00:21:07,687 --> 00:21:09,681 Your brain is a muscle. 505 00:21:09,876 --> 00:21:11,581 If you don't use it regularly... 506 00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:14,472 it goes away. 507 00:21:15,268 --> 00:21:16,836 What a righteous dude. 508 00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:20,456 ? Don't you ? 509 00:21:21,020 --> 00:21:23,416 ? Forget about me ? 510 00:21:23,423 --> 00:21:26,298 - Synced and corrected by Shazi89 - - www.addic7ed.com - 511 00:21:29,236 --> 00:21:30,996 I get carded almost all the time. 512 00:21:31,003 --> 00:21:34,565 Like, almost every time there's, like, an age limit, I'm questioned. 513 00:21:34,572 --> 00:21:35,958 I bet... Because people think 514 00:21:35,965 --> 00:21:37,889 I'm... way younger. 515 00:21:37,896 --> 00:21:40,833 Yeah, definitely ten years ago, I'm sure. 516 00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:43,624 I mean, for sure. 517 00:21:44,245 --> 00:21:45,908 (FUNKY MUSIC) 518 00:21:47,955 --> 00:21:51,206 We all started, I mean, you know, just specifically 519 00:21:51,213 --> 00:21:54,642 Hannibal, Arturo, and us, none of us had any experience. 520 00:21:54,649 --> 00:21:56,139 We didn't have like TV experience. 521 00:21:56,146 --> 00:21:57,621 We're working on Broad City all year, 522 00:21:57,628 --> 00:21:59,608 but Hannibal and Arturo are going and acting on 523 00:21:59,615 --> 00:22:01,986 different things and I really felt their experience 524 00:22:01,993 --> 00:22:04,222 come back to the set and feed the set. 525 00:22:04,229 --> 00:22:06,992 It's good to see everybody, it's good to see just how 526 00:22:06,999 --> 00:22:09,768 they've grown as actors 527 00:22:09,775 --> 00:22:12,537 as business women, as creators. 528 00:22:12,544 --> 00:22:14,899 They're both directing episodes now. 529 00:22:14,906 --> 00:22:16,405 It's been great to see a progression. 530 00:22:16,411 --> 00:22:18,119 Jaime, be strong. 531 00:22:18,126 --> 00:22:20,241 Penis, be weak. 532 00:22:20,584 --> 00:22:21,986 Be weak! 533 00:22:22,150 --> 00:22:24,847 They're so talented, both of them in their own 534 00:22:24,854 --> 00:22:27,424 individual ways, and I hope that we keep writing 535 00:22:27,431 --> 00:22:30,619 to their strengths, but their strengths keep expanding. 536 00:22:30,625 --> 00:22:34,156 And I feel like I learn more about how good 537 00:22:34,162 --> 00:22:35,624 they were from directing them. 538 00:22:35,630 --> 00:22:38,630 Okay, so we have to talk about this whole relationship thing. 539 00:22:38,637 --> 00:22:39,798 - What? - Think about what 540 00:22:39,805 --> 00:22:43,165 we have sacrificed to enter this sexless fart party! 541 00:22:43,171 --> 00:22:45,568 People get emotionally invested with characters. 542 00:22:45,574 --> 00:22:47,403 I've done it before with a television show. 543 00:22:47,409 --> 00:22:49,659 When somebody break up, I'd be like they broke up! 544 00:22:49,666 --> 00:22:52,928 I can't believe it, I want them to get back together. 545 00:22:52,935 --> 00:22:54,577 (DOOR OPENING) 546 00:22:54,583 --> 00:22:56,345 Hello my dear! 547 00:22:56,351 --> 00:22:58,714 - (ILANA SNICKERS) - Hello, my um, 548 00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:00,549 my fluid dude! 549 00:23:00,555 --> 00:23:02,218 They never really doubted 550 00:23:02,224 --> 00:23:05,488 that I'd be back and then, I didn't, but I think 551 00:23:05,494 --> 00:23:08,724 the fans just really thought I was off the show. 552 00:23:08,730 --> 00:23:11,394 He's my boyfriend. (GIGGLES) 553 00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:13,854 I'm having sex with a girl and afterwards she's like 554 00:23:13,861 --> 00:23:15,631 "so you know if you gonna be back?" 555 00:23:15,637 --> 00:23:18,367 And hey, this isn't the time for that, first of all. 556 00:23:18,373 --> 00:23:20,369 This is not what we're here for, this is not 557 00:23:20,375 --> 00:23:23,739 a meet and greet, this is not an interview. 558 00:23:24,227 --> 00:23:27,109 I don't want to talk storylines with you right now 559 00:23:27,115 --> 00:23:29,317 I just met you four hours ago. 560 00:23:29,367 --> 00:23:33,917 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 39297

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