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1
00:00:28,104 --> 00:00:30,270
It just makes me nuts
that this is private.
2
00:00:30,372 --> 00:00:31,938
It's like we're supposed
to just, like, circle it?
3
00:00:32,040 --> 00:00:34,307
It's Gramercy Park douchebags.
4
00:00:34,409 --> 00:00:37,510
If I had a key, I would go in there like
every morning and read the whole paper
5
00:00:37,612 --> 00:00:39,679
with a coffee or, like, an Oprah chai.
6
00:00:39,781 --> 00:00:40,780
Ugh. If I had a key,
7
00:00:40,882 --> 00:00:43,049
I'd just grow some (bleep) weed.
8
00:00:43,151 --> 00:00:44,451
Dude, that is genius.
9
00:00:44,553 --> 00:00:45,967
Rich people never get caught.
10
00:00:46,002 --> 00:00:47,921
(coughing)
11
00:00:48,023 --> 00:00:49,089
Oh, my God.
12
00:00:49,191 --> 00:00:50,857
Are you okay?
13
00:00:50,959 --> 00:00:52,292
Hey, are you okay? Come to the gate.
14
00:00:52,394 --> 00:00:53,426
She knows the Heimlich.
15
00:00:53,528 --> 00:00:55,028
Yeah, c... come over here!
16
00:00:55,130 --> 00:00:56,663
She knows it now. She took a course!
17
00:00:56,765 --> 00:00:57,697
Come on! Come on!
18
00:00:57,799 --> 00:00:59,866
(coughing) Okay, turn around.
19
00:00:59,968 --> 00:01:02,302
Um, I can't reach. I can't reach.
20
00:01:02,404 --> 00:01:04,204
Ilana, give me your
hand. Give me your arm.
21
00:01:04,306 --> 00:01:05,538
Okay, right there.
22
00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:08,108
One... two... three!
23
00:01:09,177 --> 00:01:10,076
Oh, my God!
24
00:01:10,178 --> 00:01:13,713
(gasping) Thank you.
25
00:01:13,815 --> 00:01:15,882
How can I ever repay
you for saving my life?
26
00:01:17,652 --> 00:01:19,452
We... we've never been in the park.
27
00:01:19,554 --> 00:01:21,688
I mean... we would love a tour.
28
00:01:21,790 --> 00:01:23,223
- It's beautiful.
- Love. One love.
29
00:01:23,325 --> 00:01:25,291
Ooh, absolutely not.
30
00:01:25,393 --> 00:01:26,459
Wait, what?
31
00:01:26,561 --> 00:01:28,995
We just saved your life.
32
00:01:29,097 --> 00:01:31,397
- That's how you worded it.
- You just said that.
33
00:01:31,432 --> 00:01:33,233
You have to have a key to come in.
34
00:01:33,335 --> 00:01:34,834
You have one.
35
00:01:37,405 --> 00:01:39,506
Shrug?
36
00:01:39,608 --> 00:01:42,642
Sometimes, I literally hate...
37
00:01:42,744 --> 00:01:43,943
(chuckling) humanity.
38
00:01:44,045 --> 00:01:45,845
- I...
- That was unbelievable.
39
00:01:45,947 --> 00:01:47,847
I... I can't... (man coughing)
40
00:01:49,228 --> 00:01:52,852
- Really?
- Oh, no.
41
00:01:52,954 --> 00:01:55,655
This rich baby doesn't
know how to eat. (groans)
42
00:01:55,757 --> 00:01:57,857
? Four and three
and two and one-one ?
43
00:01:57,959 --> 00:02:02,029
Sync and corrections by rickSG
www.addic7ed.com
44
00:02:02,731 --> 00:02:05,698
(whimpering)
45
00:02:05,801 --> 00:02:08,833
- You cold, BB?
- Just a little bit.
46
00:02:12,097 --> 00:02:13,706
You are like a Columbian drug lord.
47
00:02:13,809 --> 00:02:16,576
- Thank you.
- That's not gonna work now.
48
00:02:17,699 --> 00:02:21,614
Wow... that is better.
49
00:02:21,716 --> 00:02:25,585
God, it is so amazing to
have a day off from work.
50
00:02:25,687 --> 00:02:28,421
I worked seven double-shifts in a row.
51
00:02:28,523 --> 00:02:29,656
Ai, mi amore, you deserve it.
52
00:02:29,758 --> 00:02:31,191
You been working yourself to the bone.
53
00:02:31,293 --> 00:02:33,726
Like, literally, I think I
can see the bone in your foot.
54
00:02:33,829 --> 00:02:34,861
Could you please put it away please?
55
00:02:34,963 --> 00:02:36,629
I'm sorry, I have to air it out.
56
00:02:36,731 --> 00:02:39,199
God, it's just nice to have
fresh cash, though, you know?
57
00:02:39,301 --> 00:02:40,333
And now that I have the day off,
58
00:02:40,435 --> 00:02:42,135
I can buy myself some happiness.
59
00:02:42,237 --> 00:02:44,904
Exhibit A: this freakin' bed.
60
00:02:45,006 --> 00:02:47,373
A king for two queens, bitch!
61
00:02:47,475 --> 00:02:49,645
You can fit four people
in here comfortably.
62
00:02:49,912 --> 00:02:51,544
Speaking of orgies, I need to go
63
00:02:51,646 --> 00:02:54,214
- put on my penis cream.
- Do you need any help?
64
00:02:54,316 --> 00:02:56,583
Again, I do not think
that's appropriate, Ilana.
65
00:02:56,685 --> 00:02:58,318
(sighs)
66
00:02:58,420 --> 00:03:00,420
At least do it in here.
67
00:03:00,522 --> 00:03:01,988
Okay, that's fair.
68
00:03:05,427 --> 00:03:07,293
Hi. (giggles)
69
00:03:07,395 --> 00:03:10,697
You, uh... you have
something in your teeth.
70
00:03:10,799 --> 00:03:13,733
Oh, I'm so sorry. Is it...
71
00:03:13,835 --> 00:03:15,768
I... I think it's my chest hair.
72
00:03:15,871 --> 00:03:17,503
Here. Let me... I got it.
73
00:03:17,606 --> 00:03:18,771
Yeah.
74
00:03:18,874 --> 00:03:21,035
I guess I was really going to town.
75
00:03:21,070 --> 00:03:22,141
Yeah.
76
00:03:22,244 --> 00:03:23,810
Like, on your chest.
77
00:03:23,912 --> 00:03:25,979
I'm gonna go pee.
78
00:03:26,081 --> 00:03:27,413
Okay.
79
00:03:27,515 --> 00:03:30,950
All right. Don't, uh, fall in.
80
00:03:34,689 --> 00:03:35,922
(exhales)
81
00:03:36,024 --> 00:03:38,591
(giggling) Oh, my God, Bevers!
82
00:03:38,693 --> 00:03:40,260
What're you doing?
83
00:03:40,362 --> 00:03:43,062
Excusez-moi, mademoiselle,
84
00:03:43,164 --> 00:03:46,599
but, uh, who da' fresh man meant?
85
00:03:46,701 --> 00:03:49,936
Okay... ew... to you.
86
00:03:52,941 --> 00:03:55,108
But he's my new boyfriend.
87
00:03:55,210 --> 00:03:56,976
I met him at the gym, he's a paramedic.
88
00:03:57,078 --> 00:03:59,178
And Trey was all like, "You're
not a relationship type."
89
00:03:59,281 --> 00:04:00,313
And I was all like... (scoffs)
90
00:04:00,415 --> 00:04:02,615
"Uh, am I? 'Cause I'm in one now."
91
00:04:02,717 --> 00:04:04,817
I haven't had my ears
candled in a while,
92
00:04:04,920 --> 00:04:09,155
but it sounded to me like
he gave you multiples.
93
00:04:09,257 --> 00:04:11,457
Okay, were you listening to us have sex?
94
00:04:11,559 --> 00:04:14,427
Yeah. Just listening.
95
00:04:16,164 --> 00:04:18,998
Okay, don't. Please.
96
00:04:19,100 --> 00:04:20,099
Mmm, I'm sorry.
97
00:04:20,201 --> 00:04:22,135
But he is really good at sex.
98
00:04:22,237 --> 00:04:25,405
But I also think that's really about me
99
00:04:25,507 --> 00:04:27,173
knowing my body.
100
00:04:27,275 --> 00:04:28,608
Yeah, I've noticed that too
101
00:04:28,710 --> 00:04:30,343
and I'm proud of you.
102
00:04:31,479 --> 00:04:33,680
God, it's so moist in this bed.
103
00:04:33,782 --> 00:04:34,747
All right.
104
00:04:36,251 --> 00:04:38,051
Oh, hey, uh, this is um...
105
00:04:38,153 --> 00:04:40,954
I'm Matthew Bevers, I'm Abbi's roommate.
106
00:04:41,056 --> 00:04:44,824
- Oh, hey, um...
- Mike, I heard.
107
00:04:47,495 --> 00:04:48,761
(making laser sounds)
108
00:04:48,863 --> 00:04:49,930
(mouthing) Out!
109
00:04:49,965 --> 00:04:52,398
(clears throat)
110
00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:54,200
??
111
00:04:58,773 --> 00:05:01,240
(Ilana) Man, this is the first time
ever I'm not bringing my own color.
112
00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:03,142
This is a big day for me, actually.
113
00:05:03,244 --> 00:05:06,479
(gasping) What? What?
114
00:05:06,581 --> 00:05:07,714
These feet.
115
00:05:07,816 --> 00:05:10,083
Very badly abused.
116
00:05:10,185 --> 00:05:11,351
Oh, don't worry about it.
117
00:05:11,453 --> 00:05:12,785
I call 'em "ballerina feet."
118
00:05:12,887 --> 00:05:15,259
Just shave the sides off a
little and slap on some color.
119
00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:17,457
And don't be afraid to
really grind with that pumice.
120
00:05:17,559 --> 00:05:19,659
Nails not much better.
121
00:05:19,761 --> 00:05:22,895
Thin, baby nails. Are you working class?
122
00:05:23,932 --> 00:05:25,465
Technically...
123
00:05:26,801 --> 00:05:27,800
Wow.
124
00:05:29,938 --> 00:05:31,204
I'll have what she's having.
125
00:05:31,306 --> 00:05:33,673
You're sure? Very expensive.
126
00:05:33,775 --> 00:05:38,044
(laughing)
127
00:05:38,146 --> 00:05:40,947
Money is no object...
128
00:05:41,049 --> 00:05:43,616
for me, although, I
appreciate a good laugh.
129
00:05:43,718 --> 00:05:46,052
Listen, I know what it's
like to live off tips.
130
00:05:46,154 --> 00:05:48,254
But I did read that terrible
"New York Times" headline
131
00:05:48,356 --> 00:05:49,677
about the exploited salon workers.
132
00:05:49,712 --> 00:05:52,558
I want you having
this and not the owner.
133
00:05:52,660 --> 00:05:54,560
I am the owner.
134
00:05:54,662 --> 00:05:56,329
Congratulations.
135
00:05:57,465 --> 00:05:59,899
? White guilt, white guilt ?
136
00:06:00,001 --> 00:06:04,404
? White guilt ??
137
00:06:13,281 --> 00:06:15,515
Well, look at that.
138
00:06:17,619 --> 00:06:18,718
(exhales)
139
00:06:18,820 --> 00:06:23,923
And I realized that a clit
looks a lot like a swoosh.
140
00:06:24,025 --> 00:06:25,513
And that's how the logo was born.
141
00:06:25,548 --> 00:06:27,293
(laughing) People don't even realize
142
00:06:27,395 --> 00:06:29,695
they're walking around with
clits all over their shoes.
143
00:06:29,798 --> 00:06:32,665
- Makes me laugh.
- It should.
144
00:06:32,767 --> 00:06:35,368
Okay.
145
00:06:37,105 --> 00:06:39,105
Before we get to the Amtrak account,
146
00:06:39,207 --> 00:06:41,040
we gotta talk office party.
147
00:06:41,142 --> 00:06:42,708
We're a month out and I wanna book
148
00:06:42,811 --> 00:06:44,811
that private room at
Freemans, so I need to know
149
00:06:44,913 --> 00:06:46,345
who's coming with a plus-one.
150
00:06:46,448 --> 00:06:47,680
Oh, I'm in a committed relationship,
151
00:06:47,782 --> 00:06:49,916
I will be bringing that plus-one.
152
00:06:50,018 --> 00:06:51,584
- You mentioned it.
- Oh, we know.
153
00:06:51,686 --> 00:06:53,719
Yeah, I just, like... I
love being part of a couple.
154
00:06:53,822 --> 00:06:55,321
I'm just, like, that
kinda gal, you know?
155
00:06:55,423 --> 00:06:57,890
Woman... girl.
156
00:06:57,992 --> 00:06:59,825
Woman... you know
what? It's not about me.
157
00:07:00,662 --> 00:07:02,995
Do you wanna get back to the clit talk?
158
00:07:03,098 --> 00:07:05,331
No, we're... we're
kinda past that, Abbi.
159
00:07:05,433 --> 00:07:09,001
- Totally.
- My God, this board is a mess.
160
00:07:10,472 --> 00:07:11,971
??
161
00:07:13,508 --> 00:07:15,274
(grunts)
162
00:07:15,376 --> 00:07:18,378
Do you have a harness in this size?
163
00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:21,280
Can you remind me again
why you asked me to meet you
164
00:07:21,382 --> 00:07:24,383
at what turned out to be a sex store?
165
00:07:24,486 --> 00:07:27,753
Because I need a second
opinion on a new leotard.
166
00:07:27,755 --> 00:07:29,722
Come on, Ilana!
167
00:07:29,824 --> 00:07:31,924
Why didn't you just ask Abbi?
168
00:07:32,026 --> 00:07:33,759
Because she's with her new boy-toy.
169
00:07:33,862 --> 00:07:35,793
Ooh-ooh!
Ha-ha...
170
00:07:36,531 --> 00:07:37,831
What is... what is that?
171
00:07:37,933 --> 00:07:39,566
It's like '90s canned laughter.
172
00:07:39,668 --> 00:07:42,435
Wait, what about J...
Why don't you ask Jaim�?
173
00:07:42,537 --> 00:07:44,704
Gays are not interchangeable, Eliot.
174
00:07:44,806 --> 00:07:46,039
Don't be a (bleep) homophobe.
175
00:07:46,141 --> 00:07:47,841
- I'm gay.
- Now stop being inappropriate
176
00:07:47,943 --> 00:07:49,442
and tell me if my
boobs look good in this.
177
00:07:49,544 --> 00:07:51,644
Ilana, I really don't wanna do this.
178
00:07:51,746 --> 00:07:54,380
Did I or did I not buy you not one,
179
00:07:54,482 --> 00:07:56,382
but two Levain cookies?
180
00:07:56,484 --> 00:07:58,852
Okay, fine. Your boobs look...
181
00:07:58,954 --> 00:08:00,453
b... bountiful.
182
00:08:00,555 --> 00:08:01,554
Or whatever, I don't know.
183
00:08:01,656 --> 00:08:04,157
- Delicious.
- Thank you.
184
00:08:04,259 --> 00:08:06,459
Now help zip a sister up
because I can't with these.
185
00:08:06,561 --> 00:08:09,662
(sighs)
186
00:08:09,764 --> 00:08:10,964
Gentle!
187
00:08:11,066 --> 00:08:12,131
Perfect.
188
00:08:12,234 --> 00:08:15,034
You wanna come to a sick-ass party
tonight with me and Abbi and Jimmels?
189
00:08:15,136 --> 00:08:16,803
Um, whose party is it?
190
00:08:16,905 --> 00:08:18,938
I don't even know. I just
clicked on it on Facebook
191
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:20,406
'cause I need a freakin' place
192
00:08:20,508 --> 00:08:22,809
to flaunt my wealth and my body.
193
00:08:22,911 --> 00:08:25,845
Yeah, I... I definitely don't wanna go.
194
00:08:25,947 --> 00:08:28,314
But you will certainly
be the belle of the ball.
195
00:08:28,416 --> 00:08:30,350
Mmm, well, miss out, brother.
196
00:08:30,452 --> 00:08:32,652
Miss out on your sista's body, baby.
197
00:08:32,754 --> 00:08:33,753
Okay.
198
00:08:33,855 --> 00:08:37,290
??
199
00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:40,226
All right, well, I'm getting
here safe. Text me later.
200
00:08:40,328 --> 00:08:41,327
No, you hang up first.
201
00:08:41,429 --> 00:08:43,596
(giggling) No, you! No, y...
202
00:08:43,698 --> 00:08:47,000
Mike? Hello? (car horn honking)
203
00:08:47,102 --> 00:08:49,202
Did somebody order a hot, rich (bleep)?
204
00:08:58,240 --> 00:08:59,940
He's so cute, right?
205
00:09:00,042 --> 00:09:01,875
Ooh, neck hair.
206
00:09:01,977 --> 00:09:03,443
Ladies, ladies, major conundrum.
207
00:09:03,546 --> 00:09:04,712
- What?
- What?
208
00:09:04,814 --> 00:09:06,680
There is a hottie at
this party that looks
209
00:09:06,782 --> 00:09:09,650
just like a male Lucy Liu.
210
00:09:09,752 --> 00:09:11,485
Oh, yes.
211
00:09:11,587 --> 00:09:12,520
(clamoring)
212
00:09:12,722 --> 00:09:14,321
There's a big problem, though.
213
00:09:14,757 --> 00:09:15,723
(whispers) My penis.
214
00:09:15,825 --> 00:09:16,924
I'm sorry?
215
00:09:17,026 --> 00:09:20,561
You know how I have a
gorgeous, uncircumcised penis?
216
00:09:20,663 --> 00:09:22,096
Well, I do know.
217
00:09:22,198 --> 00:09:24,732
How have I not told you about
his gorgeous, uncircumcised penis?
218
00:09:24,834 --> 00:09:26,100
You're not listening.
219
00:09:26,202 --> 00:09:28,669
But I love it. I love it because
220
00:09:28,771 --> 00:09:31,305
it has so much more, like... like sabor,
221
00:09:31,407 --> 00:09:34,141
sensitivity than normal, cut penises do.
222
00:09:34,243 --> 00:09:35,409
- Oh, really?
- Oh, yes.
223
00:09:35,511 --> 00:09:38,012
Circumcision exposes the penile head
224
00:09:38,114 --> 00:09:39,747
decreasing sensitivity over time.
225
00:09:39,849 --> 00:09:42,282
The tip becomes calloused,
226
00:09:42,385 --> 00:09:44,118
leaving cut penises
with, like, five percent
227
00:09:44,220 --> 00:09:46,186
of the pleasure
experienced by in tact men.
228
00:09:46,288 --> 00:09:48,122
Pullback gang all damn day.
229
00:09:48,224 --> 00:09:49,390
(whispers) Every day.
230
00:09:49,492 --> 00:09:52,040
Whoa, how do you know
so much about this?
231
00:09:52,075 --> 00:09:54,261
Honestly, Ab, if you
don't read a book soon,
232
00:09:54,363 --> 00:09:56,497
- you're gonna forget how.
- I...
233
00:09:56,599 --> 00:09:59,833
The problem is because of
my particular PH balance,
234
00:09:59,935 --> 00:10:02,736
- I am prone...
- It's okay.
235
00:10:02,838 --> 00:10:05,005
I prone to having the yeasty infections.
236
00:10:05,107 --> 00:10:06,240
He has one now.
237
00:10:06,342 --> 00:10:07,841
That's why I'm wearing this skirt.
238
00:10:07,943 --> 00:10:09,276
- Oh...
- But the thing is, like,
239
00:10:09,378 --> 00:10:12,513
I know I "look good,"
but I don't feel sexy.
240
00:10:12,615 --> 00:10:15,516
So I've been thinking
that maybe it's time for me
241
00:10:15,618 --> 00:10:18,686
to... cut my pepito.
242
00:10:18,788 --> 00:10:21,422
Whoa, that's heavy.
243
00:10:21,524 --> 00:10:22,589
Wow.
244
00:10:24,860 --> 00:10:26,139
Should we drink?
245
00:10:26,174 --> 00:10:27,424
- Yes!
- Yes!
246
00:10:27,459 --> 00:10:29,360
- Woo-hoo!
- Yes!
247
00:10:30,433 --> 00:10:31,999
What's that behind your ear?
248
00:10:32,101 --> 00:10:33,167
Pow!
249
00:10:33,269 --> 00:10:34,768
One night off, get me off!
250
00:10:34,870 --> 00:10:37,004
??
251
00:10:40,443 --> 00:10:44,478
(inhaling)
252
00:10:44,580 --> 00:10:45,846
One last one for mama.
253
00:10:45,948 --> 00:10:47,181
(inhales)
254
00:10:47,283 --> 00:10:49,249
(laughing hysterically)
255
00:10:49,351 --> 00:10:50,284
(screaming)
256
00:10:53,622 --> 00:10:56,123
That's the one football game I watched.
257
00:10:56,225 --> 00:10:57,954
God, you're cute as shit.
258
00:10:57,989 --> 00:10:59,319
Oh, thanks.
259
00:10:59,354 --> 00:11:00,594
You wanna smash later?
260
00:11:00,696 --> 00:11:03,397
Um, uh, no.
261
00:11:03,499 --> 00:11:05,799
Thank you for the
polite invite, I guess.
262
00:11:05,901 --> 00:11:09,236
But I'm actually
seeing someone. (scoffs)
263
00:11:09,338 --> 00:11:12,106
Waste of two minutes.
264
00:11:12,208 --> 00:11:13,741
You okay? You want me to cut a bitch?
265
00:11:13,843 --> 00:11:15,609
(chuckles) No, it's all right.
266
00:11:15,711 --> 00:11:17,678
But that's, like, the third
dude that's hit on me tonight.
267
00:11:17,780 --> 00:11:18,779
Mmm, not surprised.
268
00:11:18,881 --> 00:11:20,013
That's what happens when you're taken.
269
00:11:20,116 --> 00:11:24,084
Everybody can smell your pheromones
spraying off your mons pubis.
270
00:11:24,186 --> 00:11:28,722
Gotta make my day off count. Work
hard, play hard, baby. Hold up.
271
00:11:28,824 --> 00:11:30,124
(glass shatters) (belches)
272
00:11:30,226 --> 00:11:31,529
Jesus, I'm getting there.
273
00:11:31,564 --> 00:11:32,926
Thanks very much.
274
00:11:33,028 --> 00:11:34,995
Ow! Jesus!
275
00:11:35,097 --> 00:11:36,029
I'm really sorry.
276
00:11:36,132 --> 00:11:38,532
It was just the tips.
277
00:11:38,634 --> 00:11:40,234
Ilana, those are dangerous.
278
00:11:40,336 --> 00:11:41,335
Oh, but they do come in handy.
279
00:11:45,007 --> 00:11:46,907
(phone beeps) Mmm, thanks. Oh!
280
00:11:47,212 --> 00:11:49,395
_
281
00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:52,546
All right, the service
in here is terrible.
282
00:11:52,648 --> 00:11:54,072
Swear to God, train
service and cell service
283
00:11:54,107 --> 00:11:56,363
has been terrible since
we became a fascist state.
284
00:11:56,398 --> 00:11:58,452
You know what? I'm gonna see if
I can get service in another room.
285
00:11:58,554 --> 00:12:00,593
You know what? I'm gonna
work my death drops.
286
00:12:00,628 --> 00:12:01,835
Yes.
287
00:12:06,462 --> 00:12:10,097
Ah, that's great, okay.
288
00:12:12,234 --> 00:12:15,202
(woman sobbing)
289
00:12:19,875 --> 00:12:21,008
(gasps) Jesus!
290
00:12:21,110 --> 00:12:23,510
No, I'm so sorry. I
just... I heard you crying.
291
00:12:23,612 --> 00:12:26,046
Uh, are you okay?
292
00:12:26,148 --> 00:12:29,950
(sniffles) Um...
293
00:12:31,787 --> 00:12:34,421
Yeah, I'm sorry.
294
00:12:34,523 --> 00:12:37,357
Sorry, I don't usually...
I just was getting service.
295
00:12:37,459 --> 00:12:39,726
I'm kind of having a tough time.
296
00:12:39,829 --> 00:12:41,395
(sniffles)
297
00:12:41,497 --> 00:12:44,031
Well, actually, my husband and I...
298
00:12:44,133 --> 00:12:45,766
are having a tough time.
299
00:12:45,868 --> 00:12:47,935
And I really...
300
00:12:48,037 --> 00:12:49,636
I really don't know what to do.
301
00:12:49,738 --> 00:12:52,039
Relationships are
tough, take it from me.
302
00:12:53,242 --> 00:12:54,975
How long have you guys been together?
303
00:12:55,077 --> 00:12:57,144
Show me just one. I'll show you both.
304
00:12:57,246 --> 00:12:58,745
- I'll show you right now...
- Ilana, what's good?
305
00:12:58,848 --> 00:12:59,980
- Damien!
- Hey, hey, what's up?
306
00:13:00,082 --> 00:13:01,248
How are you? Good to see you.
307
00:13:01,350 --> 00:13:02,550
- You too.
- Yeah.
308
00:13:02,552 --> 00:13:04,551
- What are you doing here?
- What're you talking about?
309
00:13:04,653 --> 00:13:06,787
It's my party. I invited you.
310
00:13:06,889 --> 00:13:08,522
- Yes.
- Yeah.
311
00:13:08,624 --> 00:13:09,790
- Right.
- Right, yeah.
312
00:13:09,892 --> 00:13:11,625
Wait, does that mean that
313
00:13:11,727 --> 00:13:14,061
Lincoln's here?
314
00:13:14,163 --> 00:13:16,697
??
315
00:13:27,576 --> 00:13:28,842
Hold on one second.
316
00:13:28,944 --> 00:13:31,044
- I'm just gonna grab this.
- Okay.
317
00:13:31,146 --> 00:13:32,846
(glass shatters) I'll come back for you.
318
00:13:32,948 --> 00:13:34,781
I shouldn't have invited her.
319
00:13:36,652 --> 00:13:38,919
- Well, hello.
- Hey.
320
00:13:39,021 --> 00:13:40,654
Ilana. Ilana Wexler.
321
00:13:40,756 --> 00:13:42,155
Yeah, I... I know.
322
00:13:42,258 --> 00:13:43,657
How are you? You look great.
323
00:13:43,759 --> 00:13:46,860
You look good too. You
look like a video girl.
324
00:13:46,962 --> 00:13:48,061
Woman.
325
00:13:48,163 --> 00:13:51,064
- Video gi... You look good.
- Thanks.
326
00:13:51,166 --> 00:13:52,232
Oh, hey.
327
00:13:53,402 --> 00:13:54,401
Steph, this is Ilana.
328
00:13:54,503 --> 00:13:56,570
Ilana, this is my girlfriend, Steph.
329
00:13:56,672 --> 00:13:59,840
Oh... (stomach rumbles)
330
00:13:59,942 --> 00:14:00,974
No...
331
00:14:02,111 --> 00:14:04,311
? Oh, no, oh, no ?
332
00:14:04,413 --> 00:14:05,345
(stomach rumbles)
333
00:14:05,447 --> 00:14:06,947
? Oh, no... ?
334
00:14:07,049 --> 00:14:08,715
Oh!
335
00:14:08,817 --> 00:14:10,484
Catch up with you later.
336
00:14:14,988 --> 00:14:17,722
Abbi, I just saw Lincoln
and then I met his girlfriend
337
00:14:17,825 --> 00:14:20,225
and I shit myself from
a sphincter-quivering,
338
00:14:20,327 --> 00:14:22,627
pelvic-floor-loosening,
socially lethal combination
339
00:14:22,729 --> 00:14:25,030
of cheese, champagne, and cocaine.
340
00:14:25,132 --> 00:14:27,999
I need some working fingers
in the bathroom pronto
341
00:14:28,102 --> 00:14:30,135
before I Edward Scissors-ass my ass.
342
00:14:30,237 --> 00:14:31,803
You owe me a doo doo favor, bitch!
343
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:34,840
(whimpers)
344
00:14:36,477 --> 00:14:37,576
(Abbi outgoing message)
Hey, this is Abbi.
345
00:14:37,678 --> 00:14:40,011
I'm sorry I can't answer the phone,
probably with my boyfriend, Mike.
346
00:14:40,114 --> 00:14:41,780
We're in a relationship.
We're probably...
347
00:14:41,882 --> 00:14:43,248
Okay.
348
00:14:43,350 --> 00:14:46,017
Thanks for nothing.
349
00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:47,819
(screams) (knock on door)
350
00:14:47,921 --> 00:14:49,321
In use!
351
00:14:49,423 --> 00:14:51,823
Lincoln: Ilana, it's me.
352
00:14:53,127 --> 00:14:54,359
Oh, hey.
353
00:14:54,461 --> 00:14:56,027
Hey, did you shit your leotard?
354
00:14:56,130 --> 00:14:57,329
No.
355
00:15:04,938 --> 00:15:06,472
How'd you know?
356
00:15:06,507 --> 00:15:07,772
I know that face anywhere.
357
00:15:07,875 --> 00:15:10,075
That face is saying,
"I'm shitting my leotard."
358
00:15:10,177 --> 00:15:11,209
Mmm.
359
00:15:11,311 --> 00:15:13,211
Also, it really smells
like shit in here.
360
00:15:13,798 --> 00:15:14,913
It's just distinct.
361
00:15:15,015 --> 00:15:17,649
- That's a big... clue.
- It's just a smell.
362
00:15:17,751 --> 00:15:19,317
It smells how it's supposed to smell.
363
00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:21,386
Well, thank you so much.
364
00:15:21,488 --> 00:15:23,755
I do appreciate you checking in,
365
00:15:23,857 --> 00:15:27,826
but your services are
not, um, needed here.
366
00:15:27,928 --> 00:15:30,395
So thank you for, um...
367
00:15:30,497 --> 00:15:33,231
Ow.
368
00:15:33,333 --> 00:15:35,400
(both chuckling)
369
00:15:35,502 --> 00:15:37,369
(high-pitched laughing)
370
00:15:37,471 --> 00:15:38,970
(makes smashing sound)
371
00:15:39,072 --> 00:15:40,639
Yeah, I guess I could use a hand.
372
00:15:40,741 --> 00:15:43,241
Like I said, I'm open to
the idea of circumcision.
373
00:15:43,343 --> 00:15:44,648
- Okay.
- You know, Damien,
374
00:15:44,683 --> 00:15:47,445
I just love the full
sensitivity to my penis.
375
00:15:47,548 --> 00:15:49,080
- Of course.
- An orgasm for me
376
00:15:49,183 --> 00:15:51,483
is like a full-body
experience, you know?
377
00:15:51,585 --> 00:15:52,484
- Really?
- Yeah!
378
00:15:52,586 --> 00:15:55,020
It's like my body fills up with fire
and then I just jump into a glacier...
379
00:15:55,122 --> 00:15:56,655
(grunts) that's broken up just for me.
380
00:15:56,757 --> 00:15:59,191
That's how a normal
orgasm feels for you?
381
00:15:59,293 --> 00:16:00,392
(chuckling) So sorry.
382
00:16:00,494 --> 00:16:02,060
Maybe there is a language barrier.
383
00:16:02,162 --> 00:16:03,328
Silly Jaim�!
384
00:16:03,430 --> 00:16:05,130
It's like the world
crumbles beneath my feet
385
00:16:05,232 --> 00:16:07,399
and when I open my eyes
the universe is reborn.
386
00:16:07,501 --> 00:16:08,466
You know what I mean?
387
00:16:08,569 --> 00:16:09,935
- Kinda.
- Yeah?
388
00:16:10,037 --> 00:16:11,469
Yeah. Uh...
389
00:16:11,572 --> 00:16:13,672
When I orgasm it's... It's kinda like...
390
00:16:13,774 --> 00:16:17,776
Okay, you know the
little basketball hoops
391
00:16:17,878 --> 00:16:19,919
that are in the kiddie
pool for the kids?
392
00:16:19,954 --> 00:16:21,980
- Yeah.
- Yeah, so I'm dunking on it.
393
00:16:22,082 --> 00:16:24,883
Pow! Slam dunk! Wet.
394
00:16:24,985 --> 00:16:26,585
And it feels great.
395
00:16:29,790 --> 00:16:31,756
(woman) I mean, we started
going out in college.
396
00:16:31,858 --> 00:16:35,126
And we just started going in
different directions, you know?
397
00:16:35,229 --> 00:16:37,762
It's been, like, three
months since we had sex
398
00:16:37,864 --> 00:16:39,322
and even then, it wasn't good.
399
00:16:39,357 --> 00:16:41,366
I just tried to have
sex with him right now,
400
00:16:41,468 --> 00:16:43,756
and he pretended he was
asleep. It is 9:00 PM!
401
00:16:43,805 --> 00:16:45,036
Relationships are complicated.
402
00:16:45,138 --> 00:16:46,071
I mean, I know.
403
00:16:46,173 --> 00:16:49,574
It's about communication and
listening to each other's energies.
404
00:16:49,676 --> 00:16:52,143
Tell him what you want.
Tell him what you need.
405
00:16:52,246 --> 00:16:55,347
That's what Mike and
I do, and we're great.
406
00:16:55,449 --> 00:16:57,382
Wow, you are right. (laughs)
407
00:16:57,484 --> 00:17:00,218
You just... really get relationships.
408
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:01,525
I know.
409
00:17:01,666 --> 00:17:03,892
So how long have you two been together?
410
00:17:03,927 --> 00:17:05,190
We've been together...
411
00:17:05,292 --> 00:17:08,393
uh, six long...
412
00:17:08,495 --> 00:17:11,763
long... days.
413
00:17:11,865 --> 00:17:14,299
Wait, what?
414
00:17:16,503 --> 00:17:18,803
(laughing) Well, okay.
415
00:17:18,905 --> 00:17:21,940
Well... it... but our connection
is like super powerful.
416
00:17:22,042 --> 00:17:25,510
Um, it's like we've known each other
for, like, three months, four months.
417
00:17:25,612 --> 00:17:27,417
- Like, it's...
- What's his middle name?
418
00:17:28,626 --> 00:17:29,681
Berto?
419
00:17:29,783 --> 00:17:30,749
Where's he from?
420
00:17:30,851 --> 00:17:32,083
From Ohio.
421
00:17:32,185 --> 00:17:34,474
Or is it Iowa? Somewhere...
422
00:17:34,619 --> 00:17:36,855
Oh, my God. You're
not in a relationship,
423
00:17:36,957 --> 00:17:39,658
you're literally
sleeping with a stranger.
424
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:42,060
You won't even know for, like,
years, if you even get that far.
425
00:17:42,162 --> 00:17:43,461
And even then, he could end up being
426
00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:46,249
a completely different person
than the guy he is right now.
427
00:17:46,284 --> 00:17:47,530
(laughing)
428
00:17:47,565 --> 00:17:49,934
You're such a (bleep) idiot.
429
00:17:50,037 --> 00:17:52,937
- I'm sorry. Oh, my God!
- Okay.
430
00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:56,474
Oh, my God. Thank you.
I really needed that.
431
00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:59,277
(sighs) You moron. Six days!
432
00:17:59,379 --> 00:18:00,578
Okay.
433
00:18:00,681 --> 00:18:03,048
(woman cackling) It's not that funny.
434
00:18:04,451 --> 00:18:06,484
This zipper's stuck,
we're gonna have to rip it.
435
00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:09,421
- I know.
- Perfect.
436
00:18:12,826 --> 00:18:13,792
Yeah!
437
00:18:16,363 --> 00:18:17,962
Whoa, those things look dangerous.
438
00:18:18,065 --> 00:18:19,594
It's 'cause I'm rich now.
439
00:18:19,750 --> 00:18:21,199
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
440
00:18:21,301 --> 00:18:24,669
Got a dope waiting job and
I'm making serious bank.
441
00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:27,772
I'm... much more mature
than when you last saw me.
442
00:18:27,874 --> 00:18:30,475
- It looks like it.
- Yes.
443
00:18:30,577 --> 00:18:33,111
Could you close your eyes?
444
00:18:33,213 --> 00:18:34,979
All right. Closed.
445
00:18:37,918 --> 00:18:40,952
Well, Steph seems really nice.
446
00:18:41,054 --> 00:18:42,454
She is.
447
00:18:42,556 --> 00:18:45,123
Yeah, she seems cool and...
448
00:18:45,225 --> 00:18:48,526
pretty and I hope you guys are, um,
449
00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:50,161
making each other orgasm a lot.
450
00:18:50,263 --> 00:18:52,931
Uh, you know, Ilana,
me and you, we had...
451
00:18:53,033 --> 00:18:54,632
We had our own thing going and...
452
00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:56,768
and that was fun but now, I'm...
453
00:18:56,870 --> 00:18:58,702
I'm getting what I want and I'm happy
454
00:18:58,764 --> 00:19:00,805
and I hope you're
getting what you want too.
455
00:19:00,907 --> 00:19:03,007
Yeah.
456
00:19:03,110 --> 00:19:05,043
Oh, you can open your eyes now.
457
00:19:05,145 --> 00:19:06,811
What were you doing
while they were closed?
458
00:19:06,913 --> 00:19:10,081
I'm gonna need to buy Damien
a bottle of wine or something.
459
00:19:10,183 --> 00:19:12,283
Sorry you had to see me like this.
460
00:19:12,386 --> 00:19:14,419
You're lucky you got out
when you did, brother.
461
00:19:14,521 --> 00:19:17,155
I am a rich, disgusting monster.
462
00:19:19,559 --> 00:19:20,992
It's okay.
463
00:19:21,094 --> 00:19:22,827
You should probably just take a shower.
464
00:19:22,929 --> 00:19:27,031
Yeah, what I just did when you
closed your eyes made it worse.
465
00:19:27,134 --> 00:19:31,369
Much, much, much worse.
It became a medical issue.
466
00:19:31,471 --> 00:19:32,570
(laughing)
467
00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:34,372
(chuckling)
468
00:19:34,474 --> 00:19:36,507
There's only one Ilana Wexler.
469
00:19:37,944 --> 00:19:40,011
??
470
00:19:41,615 --> 00:19:43,348
Okay, just let me get this out.
471
00:19:43,450 --> 00:19:47,085
Um, someone recently told me that
I'm not a relationship person,
472
00:19:47,187 --> 00:19:49,687
so I think I just dove
into this too fast.
473
00:19:49,790 --> 00:19:52,757
I think I just need some time
to really figure myself out.
474
00:19:52,859 --> 00:19:56,060
I just wanna make sure you
know it's me and not you.
475
00:19:56,163 --> 00:19:59,464
Oh, well, yeah. It's only been six days.
476
00:19:59,566 --> 00:20:01,499
I didn't realize we
were being exclusive.
477
00:20:01,601 --> 00:20:02,767
What?
478
00:20:02,869 --> 00:20:05,937
Well, I've been sleeping
with a couple people.
479
00:20:06,039 --> 00:20:09,140
Okay, well, I guess
there's nothing more to say
480
00:20:09,242 --> 00:20:11,158
unless you have something to say.
481
00:20:11,295 --> 00:20:12,544
I lost the heartbeat!
482
00:20:12,646 --> 00:20:15,213
(siren wailing)
483
00:20:15,315 --> 00:20:17,982
Oh...
484
00:20:18,084 --> 00:20:19,851
How'd it go?
485
00:20:19,953 --> 00:20:21,586
I... I let him down easy.
486
00:20:21,688 --> 00:20:22,787
Yeah, it was tough.
487
00:20:22,889 --> 00:20:24,649
- Good girl.
- Yeah.
488
00:20:27,222 --> 00:20:29,188
Okay, baby. Here we go.
489
00:20:29,290 --> 00:20:31,457
- Ow! Ow!
- Hey!
490
00:20:31,559 --> 00:20:33,659
You know, I wanted last
night to be so perfect.
491
00:20:33,762 --> 00:20:36,696
But I can't stuff my
tips into my empty heart.
492
00:20:36,798 --> 00:20:39,465
- Ow!
- Ay! Ay! Ay!
493
00:20:39,567 --> 00:20:41,334
- I'm so sorry.
- God!
494
00:20:41,436 --> 00:20:43,603
And now I have to lose these tips.
495
00:20:43,705 --> 00:20:45,772
It's like they're leaving
office all over again.
496
00:20:45,874 --> 00:20:46,973
I know.
497
00:20:47,075 --> 00:20:49,308
I think it is time for
me to lose my tip too.
498
00:20:49,410 --> 00:20:51,210
- I'm so sorry, Jaim�.
- It's okay.
499
00:20:51,312 --> 00:20:53,246
- Ow!
- I'm so sorry.
500
00:20:53,348 --> 00:20:54,466
It's okay.
501
00:20:54,482 --> 00:20:57,150
I'm so sorry too. It's a tough call.
502
00:20:59,488 --> 00:21:03,356
I don't have, um, a
like... a tip metaphor
503
00:21:03,458 --> 00:21:05,694
- for me, personally, for today.
- It's okay.
504
00:21:05,758 --> 00:21:08,227
But I did realize,
you know, maybe I'm not
505
00:21:08,229 --> 00:21:09,696
a relationship girl, you know?
506
00:21:09,798 --> 00:21:11,864
Maybe I'm not not one, either.
507
00:21:11,967 --> 00:21:14,500
Like, maybe I'm just
figuring it all out.
508
00:21:14,603 --> 00:21:17,437
I'm just gonna focus
on myself, you know?
509
00:21:17,539 --> 00:21:18,671
Totally.
510
00:21:20,075 --> 00:21:23,610
Ow! (Bleep)!
511
00:21:23,712 --> 00:21:25,211
Thank you.
512
00:21:25,261 --> 00:21:29,811
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