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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:28,244 --> 00:00:30,057 _ 2 00:00:30,153 --> 00:00:32,020 (male reporter on TV) Another one bites the dust. 3 00:00:32,122 --> 00:00:35,123 The New York City Snipper is at it again this morning, 4 00:00:35,225 --> 00:00:37,125 snipping women's ponytails. 5 00:00:39,463 --> 00:00:40,562 (beeping) 6 00:00:40,664 --> 00:00:42,564 - Oh, God! - Ooh, oh, geez! 7 00:00:42,666 --> 00:00:43,898 _ 8 00:00:44,001 --> 00:00:46,001 - Shit. - Hey, I got it. Hey. 9 00:00:46,103 --> 00:00:48,403 Oh, wow, thank you. That's so nice. 10 00:00:48,505 --> 00:00:50,238 No worries. 11 00:00:50,340 --> 00:00:54,342 (grunts) That just happened to me. 12 00:00:54,444 --> 00:00:56,039 Oh, no, now you can't get through. 13 00:00:56,074 --> 00:00:57,245 (beeping) 14 00:00:57,347 --> 00:00:59,114 Oh, you know, it's all good. Go, go, go, go! 15 00:00:59,216 --> 00:01:00,115 (man) Hey, come back! Stop! 16 00:01:00,217 --> 00:01:02,017 Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit... 17 00:01:02,119 --> 00:01:03,718 (vomiting) 18 00:01:03,820 --> 00:01:06,755 - Jesus Christ! - Ugh, you're kidding me! 19 00:01:06,857 --> 00:01:09,290 (mumbling) 20 00:01:11,094 --> 00:01:12,661 Thanks again for swiping me in. 21 00:01:12,763 --> 00:01:13,929 Oh, you're welcome, ma'am. 22 00:01:17,734 --> 00:01:19,835 (humming) 23 00:01:19,937 --> 00:01:22,103 (singing) 24 00:01:24,007 --> 00:01:25,273 (wind chimes) 25 00:01:25,375 --> 00:01:28,610 (tape rewinding) 26 00:01:28,712 --> 00:01:30,445 Donald Trump will be president! 27 00:01:30,547 --> 00:01:32,280 (reverse vomiting) 28 00:01:34,718 --> 00:01:37,519 (wind chimes) 29 00:01:37,621 --> 00:01:38,954 Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit... 30 00:01:39,056 --> 00:01:39,988 (vomiting) (shrieks) 31 00:01:40,090 --> 00:01:42,591 God, are you kidding me? 32 00:01:42,693 --> 00:01:44,926 Ew! Jesus Christ! 33 00:01:45,028 --> 00:01:47,462 (mumbling) 34 00:01:49,166 --> 00:01:50,565 (woman) F Train suspended. 35 00:01:50,667 --> 00:01:53,705 Doesn't work anymore, we gotta close it guys. 36 00:01:53,740 --> 00:01:55,637 Thank you. 37 00:01:55,739 --> 00:01:57,873 Well, thanks again for swiping me in up there. 38 00:01:57,975 --> 00:01:59,241 Yeah, you got it. 39 00:01:59,343 --> 00:02:01,042 Um, I'm Abbi. 40 00:02:01,144 --> 00:02:02,444 I'm Ilana. 41 00:02:02,546 --> 00:02:04,546 I'm Robert. 42 00:02:04,648 --> 00:02:05,780 (both) Hi, Robert. 43 00:02:05,883 --> 00:02:07,682 Hey! 44 00:02:07,784 --> 00:02:10,185 ? Four and three and two and one ? 45 00:02:10,750 --> 00:02:14,867 Sync and corrections by rickSG www.addic7ed.com 46 00:02:15,959 --> 00:02:18,827 Oh, God, I guess I'm just not gonna go to work. 47 00:02:18,929 --> 00:02:20,695 Can't you just go in, like, a little bit late? 48 00:02:20,797 --> 00:02:22,497 No, I forgot to lock up last night, 49 00:02:22,599 --> 00:02:23,899 so then I was supposed to get there five minutes early 50 00:02:24,001 --> 00:02:25,333 this morning to fake lock up. 51 00:02:25,435 --> 00:02:28,203 And it didn't happen, so... best thing to do right now 52 00:02:28,305 --> 00:02:30,472 is to smoke a lot of pot. (chuckles) 53 00:02:30,574 --> 00:02:32,807 I mean, I was just gonna go to Bed, Bath and Beyond, 54 00:02:32,910 --> 00:02:35,610 but I could definitely do that high. 55 00:02:35,712 --> 00:02:36,978 That's cool. 56 00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:39,514 You know, I could smoke you up. 57 00:02:39,616 --> 00:02:41,603 Yeah, I... I thought that's what you meant. 58 00:02:41,638 --> 00:02:42,817 Oh, cool! 59 00:02:43,654 --> 00:02:45,153 (wind chimes) 60 00:02:45,255 --> 00:02:48,256 ? Get you, ooh ? 61 00:02:48,358 --> 00:02:51,993 ? Get you, ooh ? 62 00:02:57,067 --> 00:02:58,400 (man) Right, we'll show 'em. 63 00:02:58,502 --> 00:03:00,068 (hip hop music playing) 64 00:03:00,170 --> 00:03:01,469 Sick. 65 00:03:03,574 --> 00:03:04,673 Ah! 66 00:03:04,775 --> 00:03:07,742 Yeah! Yeah! 67 00:03:07,844 --> 00:03:09,044 Oh! Oh my God! 68 00:03:09,146 --> 00:03:10,679 God, that's a strong kick. 69 00:03:10,781 --> 00:03:13,148 - Are you okay? - I'm okay. No, it's okay. (wincing) 70 00:03:13,250 --> 00:03:16,284 Can I give you this money? This is what we made today so far. 71 00:03:16,386 --> 00:03:18,486 Oh, don't... don't even worry about it. 72 00:03:18,589 --> 00:03:21,489 I'm just a silly, upper-middle class NYU bitch, 73 00:03:21,592 --> 00:03:22,824 so I wouldn't take money from you. 74 00:03:22,926 --> 00:03:25,083 Hey, I go to NYU too, Tisch School Performing Arts. 75 00:03:25,118 --> 00:03:27,062 We all do. 76 00:03:27,164 --> 00:03:29,864 Tischies. Congrats. 77 00:03:29,967 --> 00:03:31,166 All right, I'll take 20. 78 00:03:35,372 --> 00:03:37,939 Whoops! Now you're all wet! 79 00:03:38,041 --> 00:03:40,008 Even though I know you were already. 80 00:03:40,110 --> 00:03:41,276 (chuckles) 81 00:03:41,378 --> 00:03:43,912 (scoffs) No, sir! 82 00:03:44,014 --> 00:03:47,248 'Cause I... I never get wet. 83 00:03:47,351 --> 00:03:50,318 And now, I got you all riled up! 84 00:03:50,420 --> 00:03:53,288 (laughing) 85 00:03:53,390 --> 00:03:55,557 I love my life. 86 00:03:55,659 --> 00:03:59,294 (wind chimes, tape rewinding) 87 00:04:01,398 --> 00:04:03,331 Do you like Four Loko. It kinda scares me. 88 00:04:03,433 --> 00:04:06,167 Whoops! Now you're all wet! 89 00:04:06,269 --> 00:04:08,303 Even though I know you were already. 90 00:04:08,405 --> 00:04:09,404 (chuckles) (mocking laughter) 91 00:04:09,506 --> 00:04:12,273 No! You know what? 92 00:04:12,376 --> 00:04:15,043 You're a needle-dick bitch, bitch. 93 00:04:15,145 --> 00:04:17,145 This guy's a bitch! 94 00:04:17,247 --> 00:04:19,514 You know hashtag, winning? You're hashtag, losing. 95 00:04:19,616 --> 00:04:21,883 That's your symbol of masculinity, a bubble gun? 96 00:04:21,985 --> 00:04:24,152 Good luck living the rest of your life. 97 00:04:24,254 --> 00:04:25,253 Yeah! 98 00:04:25,355 --> 00:04:27,789 Good luck living the rest of your life! 99 00:04:36,466 --> 00:04:38,400 (sobbing) 100 00:04:39,670 --> 00:04:42,604 I hate my life. 101 00:04:47,110 --> 00:04:48,577 (phone buzzing) 102 00:04:49,229 --> 00:04:50,786 _ 103 00:04:50,821 --> 00:04:51,880 (scoffs) I knew it! 104 00:04:51,982 --> 00:04:53,648 I left the doors open all night where I work 105 00:04:53,750 --> 00:04:55,150 and they fired me! 106 00:04:55,252 --> 00:04:57,185 Come on, dude, (bleep) Grey Dog, 107 00:04:57,287 --> 00:04:58,720 I hate that (bleep) place! 108 00:04:58,822 --> 00:05:00,021 Dude, I love Grey Dog! 109 00:05:00,123 --> 00:05:01,723 I mean, I'm sure the one that you work at sucks. 110 00:05:01,825 --> 00:05:03,358 But the one on Carmine is, like, amazing. 111 00:05:03,460 --> 00:05:05,927 - The staff is so sweet. - Dude, that's where I work! 112 00:05:06,029 --> 00:05:09,531 - Dude, I'm in there, like, every day. - Dude, how have we not seen each other? 113 00:05:09,633 --> 00:05:12,234 - Dude, this is insane! - Oh, my God, dude! 114 00:05:12,336 --> 00:05:13,768 Okay, well listen, if you need a new job, 115 00:05:13,871 --> 00:05:15,670 my friend Morgan just got me this sick catering gig, 116 00:05:15,772 --> 00:05:17,506 and a spot just opened up 'cause some guy just OD'ed. 117 00:05:17,608 --> 00:05:18,507 Dude... (sprinklers turning on) 118 00:05:18,609 --> 00:05:20,342 Oh my God! (shrieking) 119 00:05:20,444 --> 00:05:23,128 - Oh shit, my notepad! My notepad! - I got it, I got it! 120 00:05:24,281 --> 00:05:28,383 Oh my God, my hair! Oh, this is bad. 121 00:05:28,485 --> 00:05:31,820 No, it looks so good like that. Why do you straighten it? 122 00:05:31,922 --> 00:05:34,289 'Cause I look like a true Jew if I don't straighten. 123 00:05:34,391 --> 00:05:36,525 It's not necessarily a bad thing. 124 00:05:36,627 --> 00:05:37,826 You wouldn't know. 125 00:05:37,928 --> 00:05:39,594 No, I'm Jewish. 126 00:05:39,696 --> 00:05:40,962 Not full. 127 00:05:41,064 --> 00:05:42,731 Yeah, I'm completely Jewish. 128 00:05:42,833 --> 00:05:45,867 - Check the records. - Had a bat mitzvah. 129 00:05:47,571 --> 00:05:48,737 Did you get work done? 130 00:05:48,839 --> 00:05:51,006 - No! - I can't believe it. 131 00:05:51,108 --> 00:05:53,542 Listen, I think you look like... You got like a Rosie Perez vibe going. 132 00:05:53,644 --> 00:05:55,176 - If you poofed it up... - What? 133 00:05:55,279 --> 00:05:58,980 Okay, now I'm doing it like this every freaking day for the rest of my life, dude! 134 00:05:59,082 --> 00:06:00,315 Plus, it'll save me two hours every morning, 135 00:06:00,417 --> 00:06:01,449 so I'll never be late for work again. 136 00:06:01,552 --> 00:06:03,652 Bonus Jonas! 137 00:06:03,754 --> 00:06:05,854 Would you wanna get breakfast? 138 00:06:05,956 --> 00:06:07,188 - I'm starving. - Oh, my God. 139 00:06:07,291 --> 00:06:09,691 I thought you'd never ask. Yes, I'm starving too. 140 00:06:09,793 --> 00:06:11,526 Jinx tummies. (laughs) 141 00:06:11,628 --> 00:06:14,062 (wind chimes) 142 00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:18,099 Come on. 143 00:06:18,201 --> 00:06:20,635 Sorry, hopefully they'll be out soon. 144 00:06:20,737 --> 00:06:22,404 Thanks. 145 00:06:23,707 --> 00:06:25,907 (sighs) 146 00:06:31,848 --> 00:06:33,281 (people gasping) Ha-ha! 147 00:06:33,383 --> 00:06:34,950 - No! - (woman) It's the Snipper! 148 00:06:35,052 --> 00:06:36,384 - Oh, my God! - What happened? 149 00:06:36,486 --> 00:06:38,553 He took my pony! (crying) 150 00:06:38,655 --> 00:06:39,621 Ew... 151 00:06:39,723 --> 00:06:42,190 (crowd muttering) 152 00:06:43,727 --> 00:06:46,494 (woman) No, really, he just grabbed her ponytail. 153 00:06:55,172 --> 00:06:56,771 Oh... hey, Tim. 154 00:06:56,873 --> 00:06:58,299 Ilana, are you kidding me? 155 00:06:59,276 --> 00:07:01,409 Is that the Kenyan hazelnut? 156 00:07:01,511 --> 00:07:03,345 (gasps) You're fired. 157 00:07:03,447 --> 00:07:05,113 Are you serious? 158 00:07:05,215 --> 00:07:08,083 Yes, you are so completely fired. 159 00:07:08,185 --> 00:07:09,584 (scoffs) Fine. 160 00:07:09,686 --> 00:07:13,488 God... but I'm at least entitled to my one free coffee a day for employees. 161 00:07:13,590 --> 00:07:14,756 You made that up. 162 00:07:14,858 --> 00:07:16,324 There is no one free coffee a day for employees. 163 00:07:16,426 --> 00:07:17,592 You're just a thief. 164 00:07:17,694 --> 00:07:19,527 Wow, did you just call me a queef? 165 00:07:19,630 --> 00:07:20,996 That's sexual harrass... 166 00:07:21,098 --> 00:07:22,263 Get out, go. 167 00:07:22,366 --> 00:07:23,632 Fine. 168 00:07:25,002 --> 00:07:26,968 (woman) Yeah, I'm so excited. 169 00:07:27,070 --> 00:07:28,937 First week in New York, I love this city. 170 00:07:31,274 --> 00:07:33,608 (screaming) 171 00:07:42,286 --> 00:07:44,352 Hey, Mel? 172 00:07:44,455 --> 00:07:46,254 Melody, are you home? 173 00:07:46,356 --> 00:07:49,224 (man) Is this the famous Abbi Abrams? 174 00:07:49,326 --> 00:07:51,827 Fierce 'do! 175 00:07:51,929 --> 00:07:54,696 You must be Matt. 176 00:07:54,798 --> 00:07:57,933 All my friends call me Bevers. 177 00:07:58,035 --> 00:08:00,669 It's nice to meet you, Bevers. 178 00:08:00,771 --> 00:08:02,737 Nice to meet you, Abbi. 179 00:08:05,423 --> 00:08:06,955 Ever since Melody got a job at the law firm, 180 00:08:07,058 --> 00:08:08,390 it's like I never see her. 181 00:08:08,492 --> 00:08:10,426 I almost forgot what it's like to have a roommate. 182 00:08:10,528 --> 00:08:11,960 Well, don't get ahead of yourself. 183 00:08:12,063 --> 00:08:13,295 It's not like I'm moving in or anything. 184 00:08:13,397 --> 00:08:14,430 Right. 185 00:08:14,532 --> 00:08:15,964 I've been looking for places all week. 186 00:08:16,067 --> 00:08:19,368 I gotta find something by the weekend, fo' sho. 187 00:08:19,470 --> 00:08:21,703 You know, in the meantime, make yourself at home. 188 00:08:21,806 --> 00:08:23,172 And I just went food shopping. 189 00:08:23,274 --> 00:08:24,540 I'm gonna make you a snack plate. 190 00:08:24,642 --> 00:08:25,741 Uh, are you sure? 191 00:08:25,843 --> 00:08:27,676 I mean, I don't wanna be an imposition 192 00:08:27,778 --> 00:08:29,078 around here or anything. 193 00:08:29,180 --> 00:08:30,312 No, it's fine. 194 00:08:30,414 --> 00:08:32,748 I mean, I can't eat a whole wedge of cheese on my own. 195 00:08:32,850 --> 00:08:34,483 Okay. Can I give you money? 196 00:08:35,886 --> 00:08:38,153 No. Come on. 197 00:08:38,255 --> 00:08:42,191 Okay... I mean, if you ever want me to do chores around here or anything... 198 00:08:42,293 --> 00:08:45,294 Listen, I'm the host, you're the guest. 199 00:08:45,396 --> 00:08:47,247 I wanna make my host feel comfortable, 200 00:08:47,282 --> 00:08:51,200 so as a guest, the rules of the house are I never pay for food, 201 00:08:51,302 --> 00:08:53,669 I never do chores, is that correct? 202 00:08:53,771 --> 00:08:55,204 No, that'd be weird. 203 00:08:55,306 --> 00:08:58,240 Okay. Got it. 204 00:09:01,078 --> 00:09:02,411 Hey, Madisons. 205 00:09:02,513 --> 00:09:04,346 (all) Hey. 206 00:09:04,448 --> 00:09:07,883 Eww, I am having, like, a salty, wet diarrhea 207 00:09:07,985 --> 00:09:10,886 of a (bleep) day! 208 00:09:10,988 --> 00:09:12,554 What's going on with you guys? 209 00:09:12,656 --> 00:09:14,890 We're actually having our weekly suite meeting. 210 00:09:14,992 --> 00:09:17,960 Why would you have a suite-ing without me? 211 00:09:18,062 --> 00:09:20,062 Okay, um... 212 00:09:20,164 --> 00:09:23,398 we should just go on with it, even though she's here. 213 00:09:23,501 --> 00:09:26,668 Elizabeth Buton-Bates, will you please resume the PowerPoint? 214 00:09:29,627 --> 00:09:31,944 _ 215 00:09:34,311 --> 00:09:36,178 (gasps) 216 00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:38,580 Madison, what the (bleep) is this? 217 00:09:38,682 --> 00:09:41,917 Number 27... you call all of us Madison. 218 00:09:42,019 --> 00:09:44,186 What are you talking about, Madis... 219 00:09:46,157 --> 00:09:48,090 Right, that is rude. 220 00:09:48,192 --> 00:09:49,458 I acknowledge that is rude. 221 00:09:49,560 --> 00:09:51,360 Parker Luxton? 222 00:09:54,165 --> 00:09:55,097 The wall. 223 00:09:55,199 --> 00:09:56,231 What wall? 224 00:09:58,202 --> 00:10:01,637 The wall of graphic pornography above your bed. 225 00:10:01,739 --> 00:10:03,038 Oh, come on! 226 00:10:03,140 --> 00:10:06,608 I contribute a lot of culture to this suite. 227 00:10:06,710 --> 00:10:09,811 You're always making us watch videos of animals having sex with people. 228 00:10:09,914 --> 00:10:12,814 Oh, my God, again! I showed you one video. 229 00:10:12,917 --> 00:10:15,168 - Many times. - Of a man fighting 230 00:10:15,203 --> 00:10:18,220 for the sensual pleasure of his life, 231 00:10:18,322 --> 00:10:21,156 only to die later from internal bleeding. 232 00:10:21,258 --> 00:10:22,357 It's Mr. Hands! 233 00:10:22,459 --> 00:10:24,693 It's literally bestiality, 234 00:10:24,795 --> 00:10:28,664 and it is literally a crime to watch. 235 00:10:28,766 --> 00:10:32,167 I see... because if it were a lady horse and a man, 236 00:10:32,269 --> 00:10:33,335 no one would have a problem with it. 237 00:10:33,437 --> 00:10:35,804 They can get (bleep) married for all I care. 238 00:10:35,906 --> 00:10:38,006 But gay dudes can't get married? 239 00:10:38,108 --> 00:10:40,609 Gay dudes can't get married, so a horse-dude 240 00:10:40,711 --> 00:10:43,612 and a dude-dude can not (bleep). 241 00:10:44,915 --> 00:10:47,049 Jessica Merkel-Keller. 242 00:10:49,620 --> 00:10:51,853 Jesus! 243 00:10:51,956 --> 00:10:54,489 We know this one is just mean. 244 00:10:54,592 --> 00:10:57,326 But when your hair is curly, it looks like pubes. 245 00:10:57,428 --> 00:10:58,560 You're a (bleep) bitch, 246 00:10:58,662 --> 00:11:01,363 but I'll go over it with the iron again. 247 00:11:01,465 --> 00:11:03,065 Good job. 248 00:11:03,167 --> 00:11:04,132 (wind chimes) 249 00:11:04,235 --> 00:11:05,701 - That's what a throuple is. - Wow. 250 00:11:05,803 --> 00:11:08,070 Again, I love your hair curly. 251 00:11:08,172 --> 00:11:09,771 - Thank you so much! - Yeah. 252 00:11:09,873 --> 00:11:11,907 Okay, okay, if you had to be a throuple 253 00:11:12,009 --> 00:11:14,109 with any current couple, who would you pick? 254 00:11:14,211 --> 00:11:16,211 Michelle and Barack Obama, hands down. 255 00:11:16,313 --> 00:11:17,846 Yes, they are so hot as a couple 256 00:11:17,948 --> 00:11:19,581 and as the leaders of the free world. 257 00:11:19,683 --> 00:11:20,949 I mean, I am so relieved 258 00:11:21,051 --> 00:11:23,051 that we have a hot black guy as president. 259 00:11:23,153 --> 00:11:25,220 I mean, I feel like we're finally moving forward. 260 00:11:25,322 --> 00:11:26,555 And it's just the beginning. 261 00:11:26,657 --> 00:11:28,890 I mean, never backwards. Only forwards! 262 00:11:28,993 --> 00:11:29,858 Next is a woman. 263 00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:30,892 (both) Whoo! 264 00:11:30,995 --> 00:11:31,994 (wind chimes) 265 00:11:32,096 --> 00:11:34,062 And so, finally, that brings us to... 266 00:11:34,164 --> 00:11:37,065 the three principles of natural selection. 267 00:11:37,167 --> 00:11:40,302 These are in your textbook, but I just outlined them here. 268 00:11:40,404 --> 00:11:41,937 (whispers) Hey... 269 00:11:42,039 --> 00:11:44,740 (teacher continues indistinctly) 270 00:11:44,842 --> 00:11:46,908 Mm, hi. 271 00:11:47,011 --> 00:11:48,610 Aye, no, did you get kicked in the face 272 00:11:48,712 --> 00:11:50,623 - by a subway performer again? - Oh, ow. Yeah. 273 00:11:50,658 --> 00:11:54,483 And now, we are going to open the floor to some of our presentations. 274 00:11:54,585 --> 00:11:55,617 Did you bring your presentation? 275 00:11:55,719 --> 00:11:56,918 - And first, we'll have... - What presentation? 276 00:11:57,021 --> 00:11:58,247 Ilana Wexler? 277 00:11:59,590 --> 00:12:01,490 Jaime, can you pull the fire alarm again? 278 00:12:01,592 --> 00:12:04,760 I really want to, but I'm trying to become a citizen one day. It's illegal. 279 00:12:04,862 --> 00:12:07,429 - I understand. - Ilana Wexler. 280 00:12:07,531 --> 00:12:09,531 Yes, Professor! 281 00:12:09,633 --> 00:12:12,567 I am present and attending. 282 00:12:12,670 --> 00:12:14,269 What class is this? 283 00:12:14,371 --> 00:12:16,938 Professor... (speaking French) 284 00:12:17,041 --> 00:12:18,674 Is this French? 285 00:12:18,776 --> 00:12:21,610 Glasses on, phones off, please! 286 00:12:21,712 --> 00:12:23,712 Fake an emergency in 30 seconds. 287 00:12:27,951 --> 00:12:29,151 (sighs) 288 00:12:31,388 --> 00:12:34,756 Welcome to my lecture. 289 00:12:34,858 --> 00:12:39,695 The day is Thursday, the time is one o'clock. 290 00:12:39,797 --> 00:12:40,729 (professor) Gotta stop you there. 291 00:12:40,831 --> 00:12:42,597 It's Friday and it's 4:00 p.m. 292 00:12:42,700 --> 00:12:44,866 But please, continue. 293 00:12:44,968 --> 00:12:48,236 I stand corrected. (chuckles) 294 00:12:48,339 --> 00:12:51,740 We shall commence our lecture... 295 00:12:51,842 --> 00:12:54,242 (clears throat) presentation... 296 00:12:54,345 --> 00:12:57,779 right now. 297 00:12:57,881 --> 00:13:00,849 (singing) ? White humans ? 298 00:13:00,951 --> 00:13:03,151 ? Evil to the bone ? 299 00:13:03,253 --> 00:13:06,955 Uh, Miss Wexler, we've gone over this. 300 00:13:07,057 --> 00:13:08,490 This is not Tisch. 301 00:13:08,592 --> 00:13:11,293 Yeah, you made that very clear the day you took my djembe away. 302 00:13:11,395 --> 00:13:13,762 You'll get that back at the end of the semester. 303 00:13:13,864 --> 00:13:15,130 (phone chiming) 304 00:13:15,232 --> 00:13:17,299 There's a sinkhole in my hometown. 305 00:13:17,401 --> 00:13:19,167 My house is gone! 306 00:13:19,269 --> 00:13:20,669 (whispering) Yes, girl, thank you. 307 00:13:20,771 --> 00:13:22,070 I'm serious, you bitch! 308 00:13:24,074 --> 00:13:28,443 (professor) Well, let's move on to the next presentation. 309 00:13:28,545 --> 00:13:30,879 Ilana, you can actually go, if you like. 310 00:13:30,981 --> 00:13:32,647 Really, I'd love to workshop... 311 00:13:32,750 --> 00:13:33,915 It's for the best. 312 00:13:34,017 --> 00:13:35,550 Mm. 313 00:13:37,087 --> 00:13:38,754 (sighs) 314 00:13:38,856 --> 00:13:40,756 (wind chimes) 315 00:13:42,359 --> 00:13:44,292 (gasps) Have you ever been to a psychic before? 316 00:13:44,395 --> 00:13:46,328 No, but I've always wanted to. 317 00:13:46,430 --> 00:13:48,196 It's ten bucks, do you wanna do it? 318 00:13:48,298 --> 00:13:49,998 - Yes! - Okay. 319 00:13:50,100 --> 00:13:52,033 This is the best day. 320 00:13:52,136 --> 00:13:54,436 (door bell jingling) 321 00:13:54,538 --> 00:13:56,538 (bell dinging) 322 00:13:56,640 --> 00:13:58,607 (both chuckling) 323 00:13:58,709 --> 00:14:00,242 Welcome. 324 00:14:00,344 --> 00:14:01,576 - Hi. - I'm Oda. 325 00:14:01,678 --> 00:14:03,478 I possess the gift. 326 00:14:03,580 --> 00:14:06,448 Um, hi, we're interested in... 327 00:14:06,550 --> 00:14:08,750 Oh, I know. (chuckles) 328 00:14:08,852 --> 00:14:10,485 I possess the gift. 329 00:14:10,587 --> 00:14:12,020 Oh. She's good. 330 00:14:12,122 --> 00:14:16,324 I'm feeling... you girls... 331 00:14:16,427 --> 00:14:18,160 are new friends. 332 00:14:18,262 --> 00:14:19,394 - We are! - Oh my God! 333 00:14:19,496 --> 00:14:20,962 (gasps) 334 00:14:22,299 --> 00:14:24,933 Oh, I'm sorry. Indigestion. 335 00:14:25,035 --> 00:14:27,402 So, as I was say... (gasping) 336 00:14:29,106 --> 00:14:30,972 Prophecy. 337 00:14:32,876 --> 00:14:34,910 You're gonna die today. 338 00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:40,560 We are so not dying today! 339 00:14:40,662 --> 00:14:42,896 So not! I mean, what, are we gonna listen to her? 340 00:14:42,998 --> 00:14:45,999 She was eating a burrito bowl. 341 00:14:46,101 --> 00:14:48,568 You know, it's like... it could inspire us 342 00:14:48,670 --> 00:14:51,104 to live like we're gonna die tomorrow. 343 00:14:51,206 --> 00:14:53,607 Like, imagine if we did something crazy. 344 00:14:53,709 --> 00:14:54,941 - I don't know. - Yeah, okay. 345 00:14:55,043 --> 00:14:58,245 Like, what if we got a tattoo? 346 00:14:58,347 --> 00:15:00,480 I mean, that's like really big and permanent. 347 00:15:00,582 --> 00:15:01,648 It's cool. 348 00:15:01,750 --> 00:15:03,450 I have always wanted to get one. 349 00:15:03,552 --> 00:15:04,851 But I don't know, then you can't be buried 350 00:15:04,953 --> 00:15:06,386 in the cemetery and that whole thing. 351 00:15:06,488 --> 00:15:07,988 Yeah, but that's just for Jewish people. 352 00:15:08,090 --> 00:15:10,090 Yeah, I'm Jewish, remember? I told you. 353 00:15:10,192 --> 00:15:12,359 I thought you were joking. 354 00:15:12,461 --> 00:15:13,827 No, I'm not kidding. 355 00:15:13,929 --> 00:15:15,562 (wind chimes) 356 00:15:19,968 --> 00:15:21,835 (shrieking) 357 00:15:21,937 --> 00:15:23,470 Oh! 358 00:15:23,572 --> 00:15:26,640 Did you... pff... did you see that? 359 00:15:26,742 --> 00:15:28,275 The guy with the bike! 360 00:15:28,377 --> 00:15:29,376 Help! 361 00:15:29,478 --> 00:15:31,344 (overlapping chatter) 362 00:15:31,446 --> 00:15:33,046 Oh, hey! Hey! 363 00:15:33,148 --> 00:15:34,714 - Give me the vest! - Hey! 364 00:15:34,816 --> 00:15:37,918 Can you help me? Help me! 365 00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:40,220 (wind chimes) 366 00:15:40,322 --> 00:15:42,689 I mean, I have always wanted a tattoo. 367 00:15:42,791 --> 00:15:45,725 But I can't think of anything that I care that much about. 368 00:15:45,827 --> 00:15:47,460 Hm. 369 00:15:47,563 --> 00:15:49,729 Except... 370 00:15:50,832 --> 00:15:53,033 (tattoo pen buzzing) Oh, shit! 371 00:15:53,135 --> 00:15:54,234 Okay. Ooh! 372 00:15:54,336 --> 00:15:55,368 (sighs) Whoo! 373 00:15:55,470 --> 00:15:56,703 I can't believe she's ending her show though. 374 00:15:56,805 --> 00:15:58,605 I mean, like, what are we all gonna do? 375 00:15:58,707 --> 00:15:59,940 Probably watch the Oprah Winfrey Network. 376 00:16:00,042 --> 00:16:00,941 Oh, God. 377 00:16:01,043 --> 00:16:02,309 (sighs) Okay. 378 00:16:02,411 --> 00:16:03,810 Wow, you're doing good. 379 00:16:03,912 --> 00:16:04,945 Okay. 380 00:16:05,047 --> 00:16:07,013 (wind chimes) 381 00:16:08,650 --> 00:16:11,084 (girls laughing) 382 00:16:21,830 --> 00:16:22,996 (wind chimes) 383 00:16:23,098 --> 00:16:24,664 Ooh, have you ever been to this pizza place 384 00:16:24,766 --> 00:16:26,666 on Orchard and Delancey? It's my favorite. 385 00:16:26,768 --> 00:16:28,068 Plus, sometimes, they give me free pizza. 386 00:16:28,170 --> 00:16:29,836 I don't know that spot, but I always smoke 387 00:16:29,938 --> 00:16:31,137 on the median of that intersection, 388 00:16:31,239 --> 00:16:32,372 because when a cop sees me, 389 00:16:32,474 --> 00:16:33,640 I just throw my bowl into traffic. 390 00:16:33,742 --> 00:16:35,542 You throw a glass bowl into traffic? 391 00:16:35,644 --> 00:16:37,043 Oh, yeah. Done and done. 392 00:16:37,145 --> 00:16:38,878 (laughing) What? 393 00:16:42,284 --> 00:16:44,551 So, my roommate's boyfriend is staying with us. 394 00:16:44,653 --> 00:16:46,720 - How long? - She didn't say. 395 00:16:46,822 --> 00:16:48,688 Oof... no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 396 00:16:48,790 --> 00:16:51,024 Not liking this. This don't look good. 397 00:16:51,126 --> 00:16:52,726 This don't smell good, baby. 398 00:16:52,828 --> 00:16:56,363 He sounds like a freeloading bag-of-trash bitch. 399 00:16:56,465 --> 00:16:57,831 I mean, I barely said anything about him. 400 00:16:57,933 --> 00:16:59,065 I haven't even met him yet. 401 00:16:59,167 --> 00:17:00,433 No, you gotta call your roommate 402 00:17:00,535 --> 00:17:02,769 right the (bleep) now and nip this in the ass 403 00:17:02,871 --> 00:17:04,704 before he pulls squatters rights on you. 404 00:17:05,907 --> 00:17:07,741 Yeah, okay. 405 00:17:09,211 --> 00:17:10,577 "Nip it in the ass," is that the saying? 406 00:17:10,679 --> 00:17:13,613 (spits) Yeah, nip it in the ass. 407 00:17:13,715 --> 00:17:16,483 Okay. (clears throat) 408 00:17:16,585 --> 00:17:18,218 Hey, Melody, it's me. 409 00:17:18,320 --> 00:17:20,887 Um... I just wanted to call real quick and tell you 410 00:17:20,989 --> 00:17:23,089 that I'm really not comfortable with Matt 411 00:17:23,191 --> 00:17:25,959 staying any longer than this week. 412 00:17:26,061 --> 00:17:27,493 And she should break up with him. 413 00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:33,166 Um... for real, like, it just doesn't feel right, 414 00:17:33,268 --> 00:17:35,335 and it's not what I signed up for. 415 00:17:41,877 --> 00:17:44,044 Okay, oh my God, that... 416 00:17:44,146 --> 00:17:45,645 that'd be perfect, that's amazing. 417 00:17:45,747 --> 00:17:48,615 Thank you so much for being... so open-minded 418 00:17:48,717 --> 00:17:50,083 and for listening to me and hearing me. 419 00:17:50,185 --> 00:17:51,851 I really thought that this would be harder, 420 00:17:51,953 --> 00:17:54,621 and this is amazing, we're really communicating. 421 00:17:54,723 --> 00:17:57,891 Okay, yeah, I'll see you soon. Bye. 422 00:17:57,993 --> 00:17:59,292 - Dude! - Oh, my God! 423 00:17:59,394 --> 00:18:01,428 - That was so good, girl! - That was amazing! 424 00:18:01,530 --> 00:18:02,495 - Yes! - Good job, dude. 425 00:18:02,597 --> 00:18:04,297 You killed that! 426 00:18:04,399 --> 00:18:08,168 Thank you so much. I never would have done that. 427 00:18:08,270 --> 00:18:09,803 You were great. 428 00:18:09,905 --> 00:18:12,072 (sighs) 429 00:18:15,644 --> 00:18:17,911 I had, like, the funnest day. 430 00:18:18,013 --> 00:18:19,112 I know, me too! 431 00:18:19,214 --> 00:18:20,847 - It was the best. - It was. 432 00:18:23,685 --> 00:18:26,219 Would you ever wanna hang out again? 433 00:18:26,321 --> 00:18:28,188 Like, tomorrow? 434 00:18:28,290 --> 00:18:30,290 I would love that! 435 00:18:30,392 --> 00:18:31,391 Yeah? 436 00:18:31,493 --> 00:18:33,593 My new friend. 437 00:18:35,330 --> 00:18:37,931 (siren sounding) 438 00:18:38,033 --> 00:18:39,399 Go. Go, go, go, go, go, go! 439 00:18:39,501 --> 00:18:41,401 (glass breaking, tires screeching) Go, go, go! 440 00:18:41,503 --> 00:18:43,303 - The pizza! - Leave it! 441 00:18:43,405 --> 00:18:45,605 ?? 442 00:19:00,641 --> 00:19:02,641 (sighs) 443 00:19:05,012 --> 00:19:06,611 Hey! 444 00:19:06,713 --> 00:19:09,347 You're the girl that swiped me in this morning. 445 00:19:09,449 --> 00:19:11,549 That is so weird. 446 00:19:11,652 --> 00:19:13,118 Yeah, that's nuts. 447 00:19:13,220 --> 00:19:14,753 - Hey. - Hey. 448 00:19:14,855 --> 00:19:16,254 How was your day? 449 00:19:16,356 --> 00:19:20,225 Uh... well, I... I just bought three slices of pizza 450 00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:24,229 that I'm gonna eat myself, so... pretty much sums it up. 451 00:19:24,331 --> 00:19:26,231 - Gotcha, okay. - Yeah. How was your day? 452 00:19:26,333 --> 00:19:29,801 You know, terrible. Terrible day. 453 00:19:29,903 --> 00:19:32,570 I'm sorry. 454 00:19:32,673 --> 00:19:34,172 Do you want a hit? 455 00:19:35,542 --> 00:19:37,909 Yeah. That'd be awesome. 456 00:19:40,147 --> 00:19:42,781 Thanks. Cool pipe. 457 00:19:42,883 --> 00:19:44,182 Got it on McDougal. 458 00:19:48,088 --> 00:19:49,421 Do you want some pizza? 459 00:19:49,523 --> 00:19:51,056 Oh, my God, I would love some. 460 00:19:51,158 --> 00:19:53,458 Okay, well, I have to run back over to the pizza shop, 461 00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:55,060 'cause I bought these three for me. 462 00:19:55,162 --> 00:19:57,462 (laughing) Respect. 463 00:19:57,564 --> 00:19:58,997 Yeah, uh, yeah. 464 00:19:59,099 --> 00:20:00,265 That's amazing. 465 00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:01,733 I need it today. 466 00:20:01,835 --> 00:20:03,435 I know exactly what you mean. 467 00:20:05,005 --> 00:20:07,539 Whoa, look. Wet cement. 468 00:20:07,641 --> 00:20:09,307 You never see that. 469 00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:12,210 Oh, my God. 470 00:20:12,312 --> 00:20:14,813 We should press our breasts into it. 471 00:20:14,915 --> 00:20:18,049 (chuckles) That feels... 472 00:20:18,151 --> 00:20:20,318 I mean, we could just write our names, right? 473 00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:22,687 Classy. Yeah. 474 00:20:24,224 --> 00:20:27,125 - Whoa. - Okay. 475 00:20:31,298 --> 00:20:33,364 - This is amazing. - This is nuts. 476 00:20:37,838 --> 00:20:39,003 Abbi with "I". 477 00:20:39,106 --> 00:20:40,338 Ilana with an "I". 478 00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:41,706 (both chuckles) 479 00:20:41,808 --> 00:20:42,974 It's really nice to meet you. 480 00:20:43,076 --> 00:20:44,776 Yeah, you too. 481 00:20:44,878 --> 00:20:49,180 Um... you wanna take a walk? 482 00:20:49,282 --> 00:20:51,816 - Yeah, I'd like that. - Cool. 483 00:20:54,254 --> 00:20:56,554 So, what's with the black eye? 484 00:20:56,656 --> 00:21:00,425 You know, I'm a supporter of the arts. 485 00:21:00,527 --> 00:21:01,826 I'm an artist! 486 00:21:01,928 --> 00:21:03,962 - That's dope. - Like, yeah, that's what I do. 487 00:21:04,064 --> 00:21:05,497 You know, you look like an artist, 488 00:21:05,599 --> 00:21:07,132 because of your haircut. Did you get it cut today? 489 00:21:07,234 --> 00:21:08,767 - It's dope! - No... 490 00:21:08,869 --> 00:21:11,336 I mean, in a... In a way, I did. 491 00:21:11,438 --> 00:21:13,404 - I love it. - Yeah. 492 00:21:14,942 --> 00:21:16,474 You know what I've been thinking about lately? 493 00:21:16,576 --> 00:21:18,276 - What? - This is so, like, stupid, 494 00:21:18,378 --> 00:21:21,713 but why can't you get eggs after 11:00 a.m.? 495 00:21:21,815 --> 00:21:23,181 I think about that all the time! 496 00:21:23,283 --> 00:21:24,986 Are you serious? 497 00:21:25,036 --> 00:21:29,586 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 34167

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