Original subtitles

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

Hey, what are you doing in my seat?

Well, the wife and I aren't together anymore,

and I figured it would be safer if I had a buffer.

This break-up is now having severe ramifications on me.

Ooh. Ramifications. Nice word, Jughead.

You see? Now Feeny knows I'm in the class.

It's just logistics, Shawn.

Listen, if I sit in that seat,

I can still smell her hair, hear her breathe,

watch her sweater go up when she raises her hand.

Oh! Okay, I'll sit here.

But I'm only between you two, okay?

I'm not in the middle of you.

Hey, Topanga, can I borrow your big pencil?

They're not divorced, Kenny. It's just a trial separation.

Don't think I don't know

what "borrow a pencil" means, okay?

Nobody.

Nobody's borrowed more pencils than Shawn Hunter.

Hey, thanks for not getting in the middle of this.

He was just asking for a pencil.

I know what he was asking for,

and if he asks again,

I'll stab that big pencil through his heart.

You hear me, Kenny? Huh?

Why is Shawn so obsessed with you two?

I don't know,

but he's almost taking it harder than me and Cory.

We'll return to The Young and the Restless

right after this word from Feeny.

And here is the word.

Shut up.

Mr. Feeny, I'm sure if you recall the pain

of being stabbed in the back by a girlfriend...

I didn't stab him! He stabbed me!

Oh, I'd stab myself before I'd stab you.

Kenny, give me that pencil.

I don't have one.

Now, listen.

This class will not be more interested

in the romantic goings-on of its students,

than it is with whatever the hell I'm teaching.

Matthews, go sit on that side of the room.

Lawrence, you sit on this side.

Right now, let's go!

Mr. Feeny, you can't do that.

You're contributing to the furtherance of their apartness.

I'm trying to teach a class here.

Now, Mr. Hunter, Nebraska...

Oh, don't try and change the subject.

Quiet!

One more crazy interruption, and all you nuts are going into detention.

(SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING)

(WHEELS SQUEAKING)

Oh, that's it.

You know, I didn't think seniors still got detention.

They do when they act like two-year-olds.

(MIMICKING) "They do when they act like two-year-olds."

Mr. Matthews, when one mocks someone,

one should wait until they're not looking right at them.

I'm not in my regular seat.

This is detention, people.

That means no talking, moving, or fraternizing for the next hour and a half.

Where are you going, Mr. Feeny?

I am not in detention, Mr. Hunter. I can do as I please.

And don't, for a moment, think because of my absence from this room,

that you're not being watched.

(DOOR CLOSES)

All I wanted was a pencil.

Oh, shut up, Kenny. You're lucky to even be here.

I don't happen to see it that way.

Where do you think you're going?

Well, if we're going to be in here for over an hour,

then I'm going to my locker to get my cheese product.

(CHUCKLES IN DISBELIEF)

Can you believe this? Feeny locked us in.

He can't do that!

It's against the Geneva Detention Convention.

(SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING)

Whoa. (EXCLAIMS)

Do you think he works on that look?

Hey, Giggles, we're locked in.

Do you have the key?

CORY: Great.

You wanna let us out?

Hey, this is getting scary.

What is going on?

I don't know, but I like it.

(SCREAMING)

Now I don't like it as much.

(SCREAMING)

It's Feeny.

There's blood on the blackboard, Shawn.

I don't think it's 'cause he ran out of chalk.

No, no. It's fake. It's all fake.

Feeny's pulling some elaborate hoax.

Why?

Well, why does Feeny do anything? To teach us something.

What's he trying to teach us?

To pay attention or we die.

You're nuts. Stop attacking me, okay?

You've given up your right to attack me.

This doesn't make any sense.

It does if you've seen as many horror films as I have.

This is classic. The locked door, the scary janitor,

the bloody warning, and our soon-to-be first victim.

Me? Why me?

Well, Kenny, it's certainly not going to be any of us.

What are you thinking? What is this guy doing?

(HEART BEATING)

All right.

You're the horror film expert, what's that?

That's the sound of our beating hearts.

It signifies our heightened fear.

And the fact that something horrible

is about to walk in that door right now!

Heidi ho!

Who bled on the blackboard?

What are you guys doing here?

Well, Jack and I had the hankering for some hoops.

Miss the smell of the old John Adams locker room, you know.

Did you guys see Feeny out there?

Nope. Not a soul.

Actually, it was kind of creepy.

Why creepy? Why's it creepy? Why'd you say creepy? Why creepy?

I think it had something to do with that janitor.

I knew it!

See, we were finished playing,

went to the locker room to change,

and there he was, pushing his squeaky bin, emptying the wastebaskets.

Well, that's not so creepy.

Oh, and there was blood coming out of the showers.

(GASPS) Eric, how was the pressure?

Oh, really good. Got all the soap out of my hair...

Blood in the showers?

This is straight out of that horror film classic, Blood in the Showers.

No, this isn't the janitor.

This is the work of a diabolical master villain.

Feeny? Absolutely, Feeny.

I just feel so bad that Kenny has to be the first to die.

I really wish you'd stop saying that.

So what do you think Feeny's trying to do?

I think that he knows we're too old for detention to scare us

like it did when we were little kids, right?

So he's turned this school into a total chamber of horrors.

Dr. Feeny's house of terror!

That doesn't scare me. Nothing scares me.

And Topanga doesn't belong to your best friend, Cor anymore.

And if I want to borrow a pencil from her, I will.

And what are you gonna do about it?

(SCREAMING)

You put on a little weight since the last time you were scared?

(SCREAMING)

No, no, no. You scream when the lights go off.

If you scream when the lights come on,

it takes away from the first scream.

(SCREAMING)

Now you're just being loud.

(ALL GASPING)

We'll always remember he was that tall.

Oh, my gosh, they killed Kenny! Yeah!

MAN OVER PA: Welcome to John Adams High

Where you are gonna die

That's right

Feeny, Feeny, Feeny, you are so low-budget.

Wake up, Shawn. This could not be Mr. Feeny.

No, then what? There really is some psycho killer on the loose?

You'd rather believe that?

Oh, my God!

What? What?

My basketball's gone, too!

No, it's not. I've got it.

Oh, good.

Look, I don't care who's behind this.

I'm scared. Can we please get out of here?

Of course we can't get out of here.

Feeny is the only one with the keys to all the doors.

And they're all locked and chained by now.

ALL: Help! Help! Help! Help!

Darn it, he's right!

Why won't you believe me? It's all so predictable.

Yeah? Well, what's gonna happen next?

First, there'll be some strange shrouded figure creeping behind us

none of us will see.

Then the lights will flicker,

and Feeny will pop up and reveal his master plan to us.

MAN: Here's a knife, here's a gun

They'll be fun for everyone

Death is on the menu tonight

(LAUGHING)

Mr. Feeny, I have got to hand it to you.

You have really outdone yourself this time.

I mean, killing Kenny, obvious choice.

But the pencil, George! I mean, that was genius.

I knew it was you all along.

What's the big lesson? What were you trying to teach us?

Oh, my gosh! They killed Feeny!

I was wrong.

Feeny's dead. Feeny's dead. Mr. Feeny is dead.

Feeny can't die. How can Feeny die?

He was the first suspect. It's my fault.

The second I suspected him, I signed his death warrant.

Well, is any one of us safe?

Yeah, virgins. Virgins never die!

All right. Thanks for saving me.

I'm dead.

I'm dead.

Well, I'll get as sick as you can get without actually dying.

What about Feeny? He's dead.

Hey, hey, hey.

Go, Feeny! Go, Feeny! Go, Feeny! Go, Feeny!

I said, go, go, go Feeny. I said, go, go, go...

Okay! Listen.

As happy as I am for Feeny, I am scared to death here.

Okay, what do we do?

Okay, all right, let's calmly recap.

Kenny's dead, Feeny's dead, we're trapped inside with the killer!

So basically, we have to figure out who the killer is.

Yeah, we should split up.

Right away, wrong.

Okay, fine, we'll just stay right here, and we'll all be fine.

(WHEELS SQUEAKING)

(STUTTERING) Don't say it!

The janitor's the killer.

And that's the end of the janitor.

Oh, stop being crazy.

Yeah, Shawn, you were wrong about Feeny, and you're wrong about this.

You were wrong to break up with Cory.

What does that have to do with anything?

Did any of this happen when you two were together?

No.

You've killed us. You've killed us all.

Hey, hey, hey, now you're overreacting.

There's only two people that are horribly dead.

That's an acceptable loss.

(WHEELS SQUEAKING)

Oh, my God, it's coming closer.

He's coming. He's coming for all of us!

Come on, let's get out of here!

Go, go, go, go!

(SCREAMING)

You know, you are really good at that.

Thank you.

So where is he?

He's probably on his way.

I don't think so.

Angela? Yeah?

You sick of screaming? Yes.

Then don't look in here.

(ALL SCREAMING)

There's, like, 15 retainers in there!

And this.

Oh, me, okay.

(SCREAMS)

Wait a second. The killer's dead!

We're off the hook! Up top!

I don't get it, man. It had to be the janitor.

There's nobody else in here. Is there?

All right, how do you explain this?

Easy. The death of the janitor signifies

the end of the last of the obvious suspects.

Just like in the cult classic, The Last of the Obvious Suspects.

But that would mean...

(VOCALIZES EERIE TUNE)

The killer is one of us.

Like in The Killer is One of Us.

(VOCALIZES EERIE TUNE)

Enough already!

Why? Do we upset you?

Yes!

Upset you enough

to kill?

Dun, dun, dun!

I'm done.

Okay, I think we need to face it, everybody.

One of us is a crazy,

psychopathic

(IN FRENCH ACCENT) murderer.

(IN NORMAL ACCENT) The question is

which one of us is it?

Look, none of us is a killer.

There has to be somebody else in here

and there has to be another way out.

Somebody has to find a way out.

Fine, I'll do it. I'm the oldest.

Actually, I'm the oldest.

Yeah, but I've lived the longest.

Okay, fine, you can go.

All right, so, you know, what just happened here?

You get to stay out here all by yourself.

Oh, good!

Good luck. Thanks, man.

(VOCALIZES EERIE TUNE SOFTLY)

(SCREAMS)

Excuse me?

Killer! Killer! You're the killer!

And I know you're gonna tell me you're not the killer.

Because you're beautiful, you think I'm gonna believe you, but I'm not!

This is just like that movie, Killer, Killer, You're the Killer.

And I knew you're gonna tell me that...

I'm not the killer.

I believe you.

See, I'm a new student here, and I was in study hall and I got locked in.

I've been so frightened.

You are very friendly, aren't you?

I'm friendly enough to keep you safe from the bad, bad killer man.

Hi. Eric Matthews. And you are?

Jennifer Love Fefferman.

It's such a beautiful name.

Can I call you Feffy?

Everybody does.

She doesn't look like the killer type to me.

Me, neither. I am, however, less sure about Eric.

Don't assume.

It's always the one you think can't be the killer.

You can hang out with us, Feffy.

Yeah, as long as we all hang out together, we'll all be safe.

(RINGS) (SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

I'm sorry, you...

Yes, girl, I am the screamer around here.

Hello?

MAN: Do you like scary movies?

What's your favorite?

Ooh, okay.

Well, I like that one with the hotty-hot-hot from Party of Five.

Neve Campbell? Duh.

Guys, we can use the phone to help us.

That's a great idea because when we find out who the killer is,

we can hit him with this.

(VOCALIZES EERIE TUNE)

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Oh, hey! It's the killer.

Uh-huh. Mmm-hmm.

Ooh. Uh-huh.

Yeah. All righty. Bye-bye.

On and on.

What did he say? Was he mad?

He said what all killers say.

He wants to come here, he wants to kill us.

Wants us to wait right here.

(HEAVY BREATHING)

You know, I don't trust this Jennifer Love Fefferman

any more than I can throw her.

I know. We don't know anything about her, do we?

When did this school get a library?

Every day's a new adventure, isn't it?

All right, everybody,

as much as this goes against my horror movie instincts,

I think we should split up.

That way the killer can't get to us all at once.

You know, I don't understand why anyone would do this to us.

I mean, we're good kids. Why? For what reason?

Yeah. Hey, we're all scared, but you know what?

Don't worry. We're going to get out of this.

(SCREAMING)

Feffy! I'll save you!

No, it's too late, but I think I know who the killer is.

Save your breath, Feffy. There'll be plenty of time for that later.

Eric, I'm dying.

Oh, right! Okay, then maybe you should tell me now.

I caught a glimpse of the killer just before the books hit me.

The killer is...

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Eric! Feffy. Eric!

Oh, he was my friend, my roommate. I didn't really know her.

He paid half the rent.

Now I can't afford to live in my apartment anymore.

Wait, if I can't afford to live in my apartment anymore,

then I don't wanna live.

Wait! Wait!

Shawn is still your roommate.

Together you can make the rent.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Let's go back inside now. Thanks.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Okay, I know I was wrong before,

but I really, really think this guy's the killer.

Why are you doing this to us?

Shawn?

Shawn?

Hey, Shawn.

Cory.

You fell asleep.

Feeny's looking at you like he's going to kill you.

No, he's not the killer. I am.

What?

Mr. Feeny, you can let everybody else go.

It's not their fault we're in detention. It's mine.

How do you figure that?

Well, Cory and Topanga aren't together anymore.

Yes, I know. I, too, read Teen Beat, Mr. Hunter.

And I guess I've been taking it pretty hard.

And I'm sorry I disrupted the class and killed everybody,

but I think I know why I did it.

Pray tell.

You guys have been together since before I even knew you.

And if you're not,

then I guess I feel like there's nothing I can depend on.

And it really makes me angry that there's nothing I can do to fix that.

Shawn.

You're not responsible for this.

What do you mean?

This isn't your fault.

Something bad happened, Mr. Hunter,

but for the very first time, you're not responsible.

How come I feel so bad?

Well, because you're a troubled young man.

I recognize that from the movie, A Troubled Young Man.

You may all go.

It's obvious that you've been punished enough.

The Great Society, Mr. Matthews.

Lyndon Johnson's agenda for his public policy, sir, Mr. Feeny, sir!

(CHUCKLES APPRECIATIVELY)

Nebraska.

Miss Lawrence.

Gee, I don't know. You've actually stumped me, sir, Mr. Feeny, sir!

(LAUGHING)

Nebraska, Mr. Hunter.

The only state with a unicameral legislature, sir, Mr. Feeny, sir!

Pythagorean theorem, Miss Moore.

A squared plus B squared equals C squared, sir, Mr. Feeny, sir!

Actually, I've written a thesis

which disputes that theory,

and when I accept my Fields Medal for mathematics,

I will be sure to thank you, sir, Mr. Feeny, sir.

Come on, everyone,

let's give a hand for sir, Mr. Feeny, sir!

(ALL YELLING)

Nebraska, Mr. Hunter. Nebraska!

That's the 75th state. Major export, tortillas.

(WHOOPING)

(SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING)

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