Original subtitles

Sorry to keep you waiting, Mr. Ames.

I was lancing a neck boil. The patient was fidgety.

Oh, I understand.

So I've never used a private detective before.

That's all right. Most of my clients are virgins.

But I didn't tell you I was a virgin. You're a very good detective.

Oh, thank you, but I meant that metaphorically, Dr. O'Connor.

Oh. Well...

part of the reason I need your help

is my virginity.

What exactly do you need done, Doctor?

I advertise on craigslist,

but I am not involved in the sex trade.

Sorry, that's not what I meant.

Um, you see I've saved myself for marriage.

But my fiancee's family is against me. They block all communication

- so I need you to take a letter to her. - Why are they against you?

It's complicated, but one of the reasons is because I'm Irish.

Hmm, that's strange. The Irish are usually very popular.

I know. It's odd.

Anyway, please deliver this letter to her

at the Korean spa in Queens-- the Castle, do you know it?

Yes, I've heard it's very good for birthday parties.

So your fiancee's name is Hee?

Yes, it's a common Korean name.

Her father actually owns the Castle, but it's our best chance to reach her.

I love her very much.

Okay. Your letter will be delivered.

Thank you. It's very important.

A ship leaving tomorrow night needs a doctor and I've taken the position.

- Where is the boat going? - Argentina.

We'll start a new life there.

Argentina has a high rate of skin cancer.

It's very good for dermatologists.

- Hmmm. - Speaking of cancer...

that is a very big mole.

I think we should do a quick biopsy.

I won't remove the whole thing. Just a sliver.

What? I'm very attached to this mole.

Ow ow.

I appreciate all of you writing these sealed testimonials.

If I get the Midwood College job, I've got you guys to thank.

You're welcome, Professor Ames.

Okay. So I thought we'd start tonight with an exercise--

Wait. Did you read this week's "New Yorker"?

They announced the winner for the contest.

What? Already? Did I-- who-- who won?

Nobody from our great class won.

Someone named Louis Greene won.

Oh no, not Greene.

Can I see that? I know him.

It's an amazing story.

I read it on the subway.

It's really funny and sexy.

Don't-- don't say that, Nina.

"I knew a failed writer

who was mentally and emotionally unstable.

He believed that he was a...

private detective.

His skull was oddly pinched at the top."

Oh my God.

His story is about me.

Jonathan.

You seemed so upset about the story, I thought I'd come check on you.

Yeah.

What's weird is he wrote about me

and I wrote about him,

except in my story I turned him into a femme fatale.

A blonde.

I'd like to be a blonde femme fatale in one of your stories.

I know we just had our first kiss and all,

um, but, um...

could we do some role-play?

Role-playing?

Well, I guess.

Well, ever since I read "The Story of O" when I was 13,

I've really wanted to be spanked and chastised

by a teacher in a classroom.

- By a teacher like me? - Yes.

Get behind your desk. Make it authentic.

Okay.

I do have some experience with spanking, you know.

Do you want a safety word or--

I won't need one.

Um, you wanted to see me, Mr. Ames?

Yes, my student.

I notice that you're always drifting off in class. I--

So now you want me to spank you?

- Don't break character! - All right, sorry.

Harder. Harder.

Harder! Harder.

- Like that? - Yes!

- You're very bad at math. Your homework is late.

Your spelling is awful.

You're a bad girl. A bad girl, a bad--

I got to lock the school up.

Right, um...

well, we're almost done in here and we'll be right out.

Oh my God.

- How embarrassing. - That wasn't embarrassing.

It was just, you know-- too bad he came in.

Well, would you like to go back to my place and keep going?

Oh no. I don't feel ready.

Let's take it slow.

I'll see you next week.

This is a disaster. I cannot use these letters.

The writing is horrible. I'll seem like a lousy teacher.

This one is well written,

but it says you make all the girls in class wet.

Oh yeah, that must be from Nina.

You know, something started up with her last night.

She has a teacher fantasy and so I spanked her.

Good, good for you. Is that that little blonde minx?

Yeah. She helped me forget about "The New Yorker" contest.

I'm sorry that jerkoff Greene beat you out.

Aw, that's all right. I'll just keep writing my Harry Parker mysteries.

I'm not going to let some sociopath like Greene get me down.

We have got to watch out for nuts like that.

A sociopath sent me three hate letters this week.

Oh, must be George.

Let's go to the Castle, birthday boy.

So who do you think sent you these letters?

Uh, some anonymous jerk who's jealous of my success.

It might be my dad.

Or it could be my sister,

my little cousin Douglas...

Ah, Ray, happy birthday.

Oh, you shouldn't have, but I'm glad you did.

Well, shall we go to the spa and get healthy?

We can drink that afterward

and undo everything-- detox and then retox.

- You guys know each other, right? - Hello, Vikram.

- Hello, Mr. Jonathan. - Vikram, this is my friend Ray.

- Ray, this is Vikram. - Hello, Mr. Ray. I read your comic.

- I loved it. - Oh, thank you.

I nearly lost my wife, so I identified with the book quite strongly.

I think you drew too many penises, but I still enjoyed it.

Yeah, come on, come on, come on.

- Not that many penises. - Hey, I'm very excited about this Castle place.

I read on the internet that they have wasabi bodyrubs.

I love sushi. What's the matter?

I told you the car needed a tune-up, Mr. Christopher,

- but you always procrastinate. - Why are you always picking on me?

I don't procrastinate. I just like to do things later.

- George, when did you get a driver? - I started a few weeks ago.

It's a wonderful job, but I still want health insurance.

One thing at a time.

- Oh, well done, Vikram. - Thank you, boss.

You know, I'm not really shy,

but I am glad there's a robe option.

Yeah, I didn't know this place was divided by gender.

At the Russian baths in Manhattan it's coed.

Yeah, this is a real Asian sausage factory.

Really? It's not just a spa?

You know something? I've never had an Asian sausage.

I bet they're spicy. I'd like to try one.

Are you sure you're the editor of a magazine?

- Yeah. - So listen, guys,

I have us scheduled for a massage at 5:30.

but first I have to deliver a letter for a client.

Wait, you're on a case on my birthday?

No, it's just a simple delivery of a letter, Ray. Nothing big.

- So that's why you wanted to come here? - No, I--

I heard this place was good for birthdays

and I thought I'd kill two birds with one stone.

You know, that wasn't very sensitive, Jonathan.

That's the kind of thing I used to do to Priscilla all the time

and it would infuriate her-- hidden motives and all that.

- I'm not Priscilla! - I know, I know.

I'm sorry, Ray. To be honest,

I forgot about your birthday and I thought this was a good compromise.

It'll just take me two minutes and I'll be right back with you guys, okay?

Okay.

He said okay.

Hey, you want to get stoned before the massage?

That would make me feel a little bit better, yeah.

Of course I do.

Oh!

Excuse me, hi.

- Do you know Hee Cho? - No.

Well--

Oh.

Excuse me.

Oh hi.

Do you know someone named Hee Cho?

Bye.

This is for women only!

I'm so sorry. I don't know what I was thinking.

You know, I was pretending that I was Tony Curtis.

Listen, do you know someone named Hee Cho?

I have a letter for her. It's very important.

You! You wait here, stupid boy.

Oh boy, look at her.

I'm so glad the sun deck is coed.

Hello.

And goodbye. Never see you again.

Hey, Jonathan told me you're quite the ladies' man nowadays.

That's right.

I've been with two women since Leah broke up with me--

a drunk and an elf-- both excellent in bed.

An elf? You mean a dwarf?

No, an elf. Every day she glued on elf ears.

Nice-- nice kid, but she just kind of left

and went back to Providence to live with her parents.

- Aw, that's a shame. - No, it's okay.

I'm trying to win Leah back.

I saved her dog Little Ray, so I think that's a good first step.

Oh my God, look at her.

Ugh.

Yeah.

George, how many women have you been with?

Well, too many to count really.

But it's been wonderful in its own way.

I've been like Blanche DuBois really.

I've relied on "the kindness of strangers."

Hello.

And goodbye.

Excuse me, I was told you have a letter for Hee Cho.

Why are you dressed like that?

It's complicated. Can you bring me to her?

No, but I can deliver the letter for you.

I'm the only person at the spa who really knows her.

The note is from Dr. O'Connor?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Well, if it's from Dr. O'Connor, she'll want the letter.

I'm her friend.

Okay, but it's really important that she get this.

I understand.

It's a matter of the heart.

Oh God.

Oh, I love this.

You know, being cancer-free

has me craving all sorts of new experiences.

- It's always like that. - I guess it's heightened now.

I want to try everything. I want to be insane like Klaus Kinski.

I wanna-- I wanna live in Stockholm in the winter

because I've fallen in love.

I wanna be a eunuch

in the harem of an Arab prince.

- George, what are you talking about? - We smoked pot on the roof.

- Yeah. - Oh. I want to go to Stockholm.

Oh! Oh yeah.

Oh, that's the stuff! Can you knead my buttocks with your toes?

- That's where I hold a lot of tension. - Yes sir.

- I need to speak with you. - Hee?

- You're the boy I gave the letter to? - Yes.

- What? - I need your help.

My father's security guards are after me.

- Why, what happened? - I took $10,000 from the safe for my dowry.

I love to shop.

That's them. It's too late.

Quick, hide under the table!

Guys, guys, guys, hide her, hide her.

Cover her with your legs. Cover her with your legs.

Come on, come on. Sonny, don't say anything.

Okay.

We're looking for the boss's son.

He's dressed as a woman again.

So what? I'm working.

Okay okay.

What the hell is going on? This is my birthday.

Oh, wait a minute. Is she for me?

I can't believe this. I was really enjoying having that woman walk on my ass.

Sorry, Ray, but we have to help Hee. She's all alone.

This is fun too, right? It'll make a great Harry Parker mystery.

You could make things up. It's called fiction.

Now who exactly is Hee?

My client's fiancee who is a man, but also a beautiful woman.

- So Hee is a he, but also a she? - Yes.

Got it. Oh, I like this.

It's very helpful for my mind.

These sorts of things are supposed to be very good for preventing Alzheimer's.

You went down the wrong hallway.

The laundry room is back that way.

Oh!

- Oh shit. - Go go go!

- Go go go go go! - This way, this way.

Here here.

There's an emergency exit we can use.

Here here, jump jump jump.

Oh, this is wonderful.

Go go go go go go go!

Vikram, Vikram, start the car.

Get in the car. Get in the car.

Get in, go go go.

I told you the car needed a tune-up, Mr. Christopher.

- Oh, stop nagging me! - I agree with Vikram. This car sucks.

Everyone shut up. We'll wait till the car cools down.

I'll just let them have me.

Oh no, there they are.

Shit, let's go!

Wait wait wait for me.

- Here here. - Wait-- oh Jeez.

Ow ow ow ow. God, I can't go any further.

- Shh. - My knees are like frozen with arthritis.

Down down.

Hey, Vikram, you know martial arts.

- Can you take these guys out? - Mr. Christopher, I'm Indian, not Chinese.

I can lower my body temperature, but I don't know how to fight.

That's not going to do us any good. What about Indian wrestling?

Mr. Christopher, you keep this up, I'm going to resign my position.

Oh lighten up. Take a joke.

Guys, I've got an idea.

I don't know what's happening.

What exactly is your family's problem with you?

They love me, but they're ashamed of me.

They're very traditional and want me to be a boy.

- That does sound traditional. - So I'm eloping.

I landed a doctor.

- Are you married? - No, I'm a cartoonist.

You're very handsome. I like your beard.

- Do you have a girlfriend? - Thank you.

I did, but she broke up with me.

But I still love her. I regard her as my best friend.

You know, I never thought I'd be in a graveyard in a spa robe

talking to a beautiful transvestite in the moonlight.

That's romantic.

Hey, I'm over here! I have the money!

- Whoo! - Oh my God,

I can't believe he's trying to be a hero again.

I got the money, whoo!

Jonathan, he's got a gun!

Look out.

Oh for God's sake, put your back into it, man.

Don't be so condescending, Mr. Christopher.

Ray, are you all right?!

Is Hee Cho okay?

- I love you. - I love you, my dear.

- I'm feeling very emotional. - Me too, Vikram.

- I'm hungry. Is that an emotion? - Sometimes.

Thank you for everything.

You're welcome, but there's one more thing, Dr. O'Connor.

As your private detective I should tell you in case you don't know,

- that Hee is-- - I know.

She's perfect.

Huh.

Oh shit. Wait wait! What about my biopsy?

Oh, I forgot to tell you. Your biopsy was--

What?

- I-- - Don't worry.

I know a very good dermatologist.

Much better than my urologist.

What now, gentlemen?

Well, we could go back to my hotel and order room service.

- It's still your birthday. - What about that bottle of whiskey?

- Maybe smoke a little birthday pot? - Oooh.

Is it presumptuous of me to wish

to join all of you after our shared adventure?

Not at all, Vikram.

In the end you did very nicely with that shovel.

Thank you, boss.

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