Original subtitles

All the shadows in the city

Used to love you, what a pity

I miss the questions you used to ask me

Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely

Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely...

Bored to death

Cut, mad and lonely.

"To save himself and the blonde,

Harry slapped the large bag of cocaine into the air.

Then Harry sent his fist,

which was the size of a small dictionary,

into the drug dealer's throat."

- Ames here. - Jonathan, it's Leah.

Oh hi, Leah.

I'm in your neighborhood. Could I come by?

There's something I need to talk to you about.

Here?

The place is very "Grey Gardens" at the moment.

- I've been writing. - Oh, it doesn't matter.

I'll be right over.

How's Ray?

He's, um...

making the best of it.

- Let's take a break. - Okay.

I want to take a picture.

Red Hook is so weird and beautiful.

Okay.

"I could've been somebody."

What? You are somebody. You created Super Ray.

No, it's Marlon Brando. It's a little lesser-known line.

"On the Waterfront" was set in Red Hook.

Cool. I didn't know that. I like Brando. I wish he wasn't dead.

Kiss?

- What are you doing now? - Oh, I'm tweeting our photo.

None of my friends believe I'm dating you.

Tweeting? So cute.

Yo, are those ears real?

Of course they are.

- What is it, Christmas? - What's it to you, gaylord?

Yo, nothing, man. Elves are cool.

You are the sexiest guy I have ever met.

I know.

So here's a picture of Little Ray.

We got him from a rescue shelter.

I'll need this for my investigation.

Why'd you name him Little Ray?

The girls said that he and Ray have the same eyes.

I guess I can see that-- a certain sadness.

So tell me again what happened from the beginning.

As a detective I need all the details.

Also I'm a little stoned.

Okay. So I tied him up outside the pharmacy just for a second

- and when I came out he was gone. - Oh my God.

So when I got home the phone rings and this man says, "I have Little Ray,"

'cause my number was on his dog collar.

I was like, "Oh my God, thank you."

Then he says all cold, "How much for him?"

Ransom for a dog. I know this world is insane, but still...

So I blurted out stupidly, "40 bucks"

and he hung up and he hasn't called back.

The girls are heartbroken, crying every night.

It's okay. I'll find him. I don't want your girls to be upset.

They've already lost one Ray.

They shouldn't lose two.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

- I-I-- I'm stoned and tipsy. - I'm also tipsy.

Oh-- Jonathan, I can't believe that almost happened.

We only leaned. A lean means nothing.

I do it naturally all the time.

I have bad posture from depression. I just--

You're right, you're right. It was only a lean.

But you know, I should go.

- Oh, I feel guilty. - Me too, me too.

But we were just projecting our love for Ray onto each other.

Right. So you'll try to find Little Ray?

Of course. But, Leah, should we actually kiss

so that our guilt doesn't go to waste?

I've always thought you were very beautiful.

Jonathan!

It's Ray! Do you think he knows?

- Is that-- - Jonathan, don't be paranoid.

Let's just pretend like nothing happened,

which will be easy, because nothing did happen.

Well, I'm sorry about the nothing that didn't happen

and, Leah, I will find Little Ray for you.

- Ride

- Ride

Pour a drink in the Frustrated Cowboy.

She's a nice kid, but it's just hard to be in public

with a girl that's got elf ears.

She lent me her huge bike, which is nice.

Does she have other elf organs?

No. That's what I thought.

I thought she'd have fairy dust down there or something.

Completely normal from the neck down.

But I feel bad when I kiss her.

All I do is think about Leah

and how her ears are regular.

I saw Leah today.

What? Where? Did she say she misses me?

Yeah, she misses you.

I saw her at my place.

- Why? - She needs my help as a detective.

What does she want you to do?

She got the girls a dog, but it was stolen.

The guy who took it had the audacity

to ask for ransom, but she lowballed him.

She does have a secret cheap side.

The whole time we were together,

not once did she raise my allowance. Go ahead.

Anyway, she lowballed him and he hung up the phone.

I guess he must have sold the dog or something,

but Leah wants me to try to find him.

What a bastard,

wanting money for a lost dog.

I don't know if you're gonna like this,

but Leah and the girls named the dog

"Little Ray."

Yeah, I like that.

It means they miss me.

- What kind of dog is it? - He's a-- oh here.

- Not the most-- - Good God.

That is one ugly pooch.

With that scrunched face he looks like an alien.

He's got nice eyes though.

- Yeah. - So...

how are we gonna find this gargoyle?

All I know is all I'm told

She keeps the young from getting old again

Make sure to cross the street

She walks to me and hurt her feet...

- Our last flyer. - Now what,

besides getting a drink?

Now we wait.

Either the jerk who grabbed Little Ray

will come out from under his rock to collect the reward,

or if he sold the dog, maybe that person will call us.

- What'll it be? - One Budweiser

and a glass of your worst white wine

for my friend, on me.

You know, George is having his surgery tomorrow.

I know. Poor George. Such a good guy.

Shouldn't have shot me that time,

but he always picks up the check.

- Thanks. - Cin-cin.

Ah-hh...

After this, I got to go home and finish my short story

for "The New Yorker" contest.

- What's the gist of it? - It's about a P.I. named Harry Parker.

It's a pulp fiction take on how I beat those drug dealers in Prospect Park.

I turned Greene into a femme fatale-- a sexy blonde.

Greene would make a good woman. He has nice hips.

Huh.

Oh hey, perfect timing.

Do you think that I'll need two bathrobes?

Well, you're just staying at the hospital overnight,

- so probably just one. - You're right. I better bring both.

- George. - Oh, very good.

- Oh hi. - Hi.

- Donna, that's Jonathan. - Oh. Oh oh, it's so nice to meet you.

George talks about you all the time.

I'm so sorry about your career struggles.

- Don't-- - Right.

I just want to thank you for taking care of George

and his prostate.

Oh, of course. He'll be fine.

I haven't made any surgical errors in years.

I'd better get going. My first surgery's at 10:00.

Okay.

So nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too, Dr. Kenwood.

- She seems great. - Yeah, she's lovely.

You all right, George? How are you feeling?

To be honest, I'm a little upset.

The way I see it, I have two options:

one, I come out of this impotent and incontinent',

or two, I die under anesthesia.

Oh no, please, George,

you have to visualize a perfect recovery--

beautiful, strong erections,

vitality, controlled urination.

You're absolutely right.

All right, just tell me what's going on with you.

The best positive thinking in life

is thinking of others.

So what's happening? Distract me.

Well, I finished my story for "The New Yorker" contest.

- I mailed it in this morning. - Tell me the opening lines.

I love opening lines.

"In Harry's hand, the gun looked like a toy.

The gun was big, but his hand was bigger."

I like that.

- Very hardboiled. - Sorry.

Hello.

Are you the person looking for Little Ray?

Yes, I am.

Yeah, that's the one.

Cute little thing. Beautiful eyes.

That's what I thought. I love his eyes.

They remind me of my Nat. That's why I wanted him.

- Nat was your dog? - No, my husband.

He died at the deli last year.

Went for some half-and-half for my coffee, never came back.

I should've just drank it black.

I'm sorry.

You kind of have his build, you know?

Ha. That's what I liked when I was young--

feel a man's weight.

It helps you forget your troubles.

That's right. A lot of women today, they don't appreciate heft.

So about Little Ray.

- Where did you see him? - The Nevins Street dog man

brought him here yesterday.

He's a pooch peddler, mostly little dogs.

He knew I was looking for one because Nat passed on,

but he wanted too much money.

- That must be the guy who called Leah. - Yeah.

- How much did he want? - $200. Yeah.

Then I was up at Park Slope, you know, where it's fancy?

That's where I saw your flyer.

I went to see my daughter.

She lives very nice-- married to a Jewish lawyer.

- Are you Jewish? - Yes.

Good. Steady income is nice.

Right right.

So where can we find this Nevins Street dog man?

Well, he's not called the Carol Street dog man, is he?

That's right.

Well hello, Mr. Christiansen.

- It's Christopher. - Oh my God, you brought a lot of baggage.

When I get nervous I overpack.

Do you think I brought too much?

Yes, but it's okay.

So you've had no liquids or food since last night?

Nothing.

Actually, you know, I did brush my teeth

and some water may have seeped down my throat.

Should we reschedule? I know I swallowed some toothpaste.

Why don't I call Dr. Kenwood?

It's okay. Toothpaste is fine.

So strip down and I'll be back to shave your pubic zone.

What? Nobody said anything about shaving down there.

No-- oh God.

Oh, that's not fair.

There's Little Ray. Hi!

This explains all the missing dog posters we saw.

I think I have my next story--

"The Nevins Street Dog Man:

a Harry Parker Mystery."

His picture doesn't do him any justice.

He has a strange forehead, but that's a good-looking dog.

- Hi! - It's locked.

Well, we'll get some bolt cutters

and we'll free Little Ray.

Right. And these other guys too.

- Tch-tch-tch. - I recognize most of them from the posters.

There's Mochi, Tulip, Mr. Chow.

You really like Little Ray, don't you?

Yeah.

He's like a dog version of a son.

His mother is the woman that I love

and we have the same name.

Right.

We'll be back, Little Ray.

Lift up your gown, please.

Uh, before we start,

for some reason my old coloring has held true down there.

Um, will it grow back like that?

It's just nice to hold on to one's youth any way you can.

I don't know. I never had a patient come back.

This is the best case we've ever worked.

I thought you hated my cases.

I do, but this one's different.

This is my opening to win Leah back.

You really do want her back, don't you?

Of course I do.

Ray, there's something I need to tell you.

Oh God, I hate when you do this.

It's like forcing a man to look up at the guillotine.

Go ahead and chop my head off with whatever weird thing you need to say.

Okay. I feel terrible,

but yesterday I almost kissed Leah.

Ray, I'm sorry!

Raymond!

Ray.

Wait, listen.

I just leaned towards her. It was only a lean.

And she would've rejected me anyway.

Of course she would've rejected you, but why did you try to kiss her?

She just seemed so sad about the dog.

- Maybe I wanted to kiss her on your behalf. - That's bullshit.

Ray, I'm sorry if I hurt you. Please forgive me.

Well, I banged Suzanne.

- You did? - No.

Of course not. I didn't bang Suzanne.

I wanted to. I wanted to bang all your girlfriends.

I wish you had.

You can if you want to.

Well, you didn't actually kiss her and I understand.

Leah's the most beautiful girl in the world, so...

let's just forget about it.

Forgetting, forgotten. Forgotted!

Don't push it with the wordplay.

I've missed you.

I've missed you...

I always miss you.

Why don't we ever work things out?

I guess we're like children--

that thing we can't reach is the thing we want.

Why don't you crawl on up here?

They shaved my pubic zone.

I would've liked to have done that for you.

Oh God, look at you.

Oh.

I am so glad that possibly

the last erection of my life

is with you.

I guess that's your line with all the girls.

It sounded so sincere this morning.

Dr. Kenwood, this is not what--

what you think.

- This is, uh... this is, uh... - Priscilla.

Priscilla, my ex-wife.

And we were just snuggling for old times' sake.

That's all, nothing more.

Priscilla, this is my doctor.

- Nice to meet you. - Yes.

- Well, I'll see you at 6:00 p.m... - Mm-hmm.

...but you'll be under so you won't see me.

It should all go well, I hope.

You hope?

Donna-- Donna?

Are you sleeping with your doctor?

Well, she is a urologist.

Is that bastard feeding them cat food? That is so low.

We're just gonna have to wait here and then we'll bust 'em out.

Shit. I don't know if I've got time.

George's surgery's in two hours.

I said I'd see him before he went in. Maybe we can come back tonight.

No, it's too risky. We've got to wait this out.

- Something could happen. - But I can't miss the surgery.

Then you go take care of George and I'll take care of Little Ray.

Are you sure? You're okay on your own?

Yes. I'm good with bolt cutters.

I've never used them before but they feel like scissors.

Okay. I'll call you when I'm done.

And Ray, I'm sorry about--

I've forgotten about it, okay?

But just know one day, I'm gonna almost kiss somebody that you love.

Right.

Tell George that I'm rooting for him, all right?

- I'm going to pray for his cock. - That'll mean a lot to George.

Do you have to ruin everything? Go.

"I'm just glad

that possibly my last erection in life is with you."

Did you really use the same line with both women?

Yes. And I meant it each time.

Oh my God. You don't think that Donna

will take it out on me on the operating table, do you?

I don't know. I would hope not.

Oh God, I'm such an idiot.

Well, one good thing-- if I die, I can't get any stupider.

- George, you're not stupid. - Yes, I am.

I'm 62 years old and I'm still

just utterly confused about everything.

- Like what? - Myself...

women, men, life in general.

I guess that's it.

Well, you have covered all the bases.

Well, I do like to be thorough.

Mr. Christiansen, sweetie,

I'll be back in a second with a chair to take you to surgery.

Thank you, dear.

- "Christiansen"? - I don't know.

She's been getting it wrong all day.

Everybody does, actually, ever since I was a kid.

She's very nice. She shaved my pubic area.

Had a nice soft touch.

George...?

I just want you to know that, um,

well, I love you.

Okay, good looking, in you go.

Ahem.

Is this your son?

Yes.

Your dad'll be okay. I promise.

George, I'll be here when you get back.

I know.

I'll tell you who let the dogs out.

Oh my God.

They've got the wrong George.

The enemy is everywhere

- The enemy is everywhere...

Hey, what the fuck?!

The enemy is everywhere

The enemy is everywhere

Nobody seems to be willing to care

The enemy is everywhere...

Stop!

The enemy is everywhere

The enemy is everywhere...

- I'm gonna kill you! - Fuck you, dog snatcher!

Mush mush!

Nobody seems to be willing to care

The enemy is everywhere...

Stop!

Sorry. I'm sorry.

Hey, slow down!

Hey hey, come back here!

The enemy is everywhere

The enemy is everywhere...

Ow, that hurt, you fat fuck!

Fuck you! I've lost weight!

Mush mush!

Go, Little Ray.

The enemy is everywhere

The enemy is everywhere

The enemy is everywhere.

He doesn't live in Queens!

- Stop! - Grab him!

What? Queens?

Oh my God. Ray?

Mommy, look! Little Ray's back!

All right, let's go inside.

- I don't understand. - Jonathan asked me to help on the case

so I did.

They've missed him so much. Thank you.

Yeah, I'll bet he's happy to be home.

Mom, Little Ray already peed on the floor.

And now he's going number two!

I really like that little guy.

Well, I should probably go clean that up.

Okay.

It was really nice seeing you.

You look great, Big Ray.

So do you, Big Leah.

Thanks for saving Little Ray.

- Okay. - I'll see you later.

See you later.

All right, guys. That went pretty well, I think.

I've got a lot of calls to make.

What's that? You don't like cat food?

Well, you know what? If you heat it up, it ain't that bad.

All right. Here we go, here we go.

So it was a real Mexican standoff.

Donna broke up with me because of Priscilla.

Then I broke up with Donna because of her office's grievous clerical error.

This whole thing is so insane.

I know. I have to rethink everything.

I do want to thank you, though, for saving me.

Oh my God. I'm so glad I still have a prostate.

- Of course, George. - I guess I could sue, right?

But for what? Loss of pubic hair?

Truth of the matter is this is the best I've felt in years.

There's nothing like finding out you don't have cancer.

This should happen more often.

Poor George Christiansen when he finds out.

Oh my God. I hadn't even considered that.

Well, I guess I could write him a thank-you note.

Would that be appropriate?

I don't know how the West was won

How the ocean let all the sailors come forth

They came over one by one

If only just to see

And I don't know how happiness

Gets hidden in the wilderness

I'm leaving in the morning

With my paddle and my lime.

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