All language subtitles for BoJack Horseman s03e07 Stop the Presses.eng

[groaning]

[mumbling]

[gagging]

-[voices overlapping]
-[groaning]

Guys, I think we could use
another phone jack over here.

[phone ringing]

Cabracadabra.
We wanna reach out and grab you.

-No, we're a cab company.
-Can you toss me the thing?

[grunting]

-Sorry. The other thing.
-[Todd] Okay. Watch the couch.

Hey. Goddammit!

-[yelling]
-I apologize for... I understand.

Mind if I put you on hold one second?

Don't put me on hold.
Do you know who I am?

I just won a Baby's Choice Award,
the winner of which

has gone to take home the Oscar
seven of the last 15 years.

So, yeah, that BoJack Horseman.

Otherwise known as the guy you keep
sending your dumb newspaper to

even though I never subscribed to it.

I'm putting you on hold.

-[muttering]
-[buzzing]

-We have a situation, sir.
-Talk to me.

Guy's name is BoJack Horseman.
He's pretty steamed.

I've tried everything, but we might need
to bring the Closer in on this one.

Calm down. We can sort this out
without having to get the Closer involved.

Did you offer 26 weeks
at 50 percent off the newsstand price?

I went through the entire checklist, sir.
Even offered him a free tote bag.

What kind of monster says no
to a tote bag? Good work, rep.

You've done all that could be
expected of you. I'll take it from here.

Yeah, Got it. Right.
I understand. I'll take it from here.

God help us...

Is what I'd say if we needed God's help.
Fortunately, we got one better.

Morning. Good morning.
How was your weekend? How are you?

Good work yesterday.
Get out of my way, please.

[sighing]

We have a situation on line two.
Name's Horseman. BoJack Horseman.

Thank you. I'll take it from here.

Hello, good morning, and I say this
with 100 percent sincerity...

How can I help you?

[funky electronic music]

I never subscribed to the L.A. Gazette.
I do not read the L.A. Gazette.

I have called this number so many times
to stop sending it to me.

Yet every morning, I open my door
on a new edition of the L.A. Gazette.

It's like I'm in a boring episode
of The Twilight Zone.

Sir, we are going to unravel this mystery.

But before we dig in,
is there anything I can get you?

A glass of ice water perhaps?

Yeah, sure, I'd love a glass of ice water.

Fabulous. Johnny will get that to you
in three, two, one...

-[drone whirring]
-Uh... huh.

I see you've been receiving
our paper for six months,

but there's no record of you
ever registering a complaint.

From whence the hostility, counselor?

It wasn't a problem until recently,
because up until a week ago

the boy who lives with me used the paper
to make a giant paper-m?ch? Todd head.

-What was that?
-I live with my best friend, Todd.

Good kid, but sometimes
he gets ideas to do things.

[groaning, screaming]

-Pretty scary, right?
-Yes. What the hell is that?

Giant Todd Head, of course.

I've been working on him
for the last six months.

What? Why?

It all started
when a rustling from the kitchen

jostled me from tender slumber.

-[blinds rattling]
-[panting]

Uh...

What was that?

[gasping]

If there's a ghost present,
please do not scream

or have a skull face or be wearing
a tattered white satin gown.

[gasping]

Someone or something is stealing our food.

I made a giant papier-m?ch? Todd head
to scare it away. Think it'll work?

If I made a giant papier-m?ch? me head,
would you stop eating my food?

You should take this seriously.
We might have an infestation.

We do have an infestation, of Todds.
Look at that, they're getting bigger.

And? Did the head help to ameliorate
your pest peccadillo?

No. Todd abandoned the project as soon
as he started working on Cabracadabra.

-What's Cabracadabra?
-That's what I said.

-What's Cabracadabra?
-That's what I said.

-What's Cabracadabra?
-That's what we want you to say.

If I didn't know any better,
you were about to pitch an idea.

-We are about to pitch you an idea.
-I did not know better.

Has this ever happened to you?
Hey, where you headed?

Oh, yes. That happens to me all the time.

-We're not at the main part yet.
-I'm so sorry. Please continue.

-To the opera, good sir.
-Okay.

Am I watching to see if the whole thing
has happened to me?

-Or looking for one specific thing?
-Kind of both.

So I just keep watching until I see
something that has happened to me?

-Yes.
-What if we get to the end,

none of it has ever happened to me?

Maybe just try to put yourself
in Emily's shoes right now.

Got it. Sorry for the interruption.
Please continue.

-So, is this where you live?
-Yes, it is.

-Alone or are you in a relationship?
-This hardly seems appropriate.

Driver, you're starting
to make me feel uncomfortable.

Yeah, Todd. What are you doing?

Has a creepy driver
ever given you his number

or told you that you reminded him
of his dead girlfriend?

Or repeated your address slowly,
like he was trying to memorize it?

-No, never.
-Unfortunately, if you are a woman

all those things
would happen to you every day.

That's right, Todd.
According to my own research,

nine out of ten men
are total dirtbag creeps, just the worst.

But what if there was a ride-share service
that could guarantee

no creepy men drivers
because there are no men drivers at all?

What are you saying, robot drivers?

What if they become sentient
and try to murder us, or unionize?

That could be a real headache.

No, not murderous robots. Women.

Todd, you have done it again.

Actually, Emily and I
came up with it together.

Todd and Emily,
you've done it again for the first time.

And that's why we're setting up shop
at your house.

Why does it have to be my house?

There's no room
at Mr. Peanutbutter's house.

It's full of spaghetti strainers.

-Why?
-Who can recall?

I figure the longer they're there,
the bigger the payoff.

And they've been sitting there
for months now.

So you can bet
the payoff's going to be pretty huge.

[The Closer]
So, why did you let them use your house?

Hey, Todd, where do you want this...?

[both]
Uh...

[BoJack] I felt guilty.
[The Closer] About what?

[BoJack] Todd had this old girlfriend.
I met her a couple weeks back.

-Hey.
-Hey.

-What are you still doing up?
-I got thirsty.

Then you came to the right place.

Should we call Todd,
see if he wants to join us?

I'm tired of trying to figure out
what Todd wants.

And what do you want?

-I'll start with a whiskey.
-My kind of girl.

-So then we had sex.
-What? Why?

I was lonely? She was there?
Why does anyone have sex with anyone?

Intimacy, affection, a deep need
to connect to the world at large.

The same reasons three million people
subscribe to the L.A. Gazette.

-What?
-I'm getting ahead of myself.

Please, continue your story.

[exhaling]

-You should go.
-Yeah.

That was a mistake.

Agreed. A wonderful, sexy mistake
for you and a regular mistake for me.

No, it was a regular mistake for me, too.

-What are we gonna tell Todd?
-Nothing, obviously.

-I don't want to hurt him.
-Neither do I.

-That's why we won't tell him.
-I feel like we should tell him.

That feeling is you selfishly
trying to assuage your guilt.

If you cared about Todd,
you would keep this a secret forever.

I'm not good at lying.

Ask me if when I was a little girl,
did I ever used to put a stuffed animal

in my underpants
and rock back and forth on it.

When you were a little girl,
did you ever do that thing you said?

What? Get-- [stammers] No!

I think it's gonna be fine.
Why would it even come up?

Not like there's any reason
the three of us

would ever be in a room together again.

BoJack, you remember Emily, right?

-I've never seen you before in my life.
-No.

-You don't remember BoJack?
-Oh, yeah. BoJack.

What... why... What are you here?
Why are you doing at Todd's house?

Todd's house? This is my house.

It's cool if we set up shop here, right?
That's not gonna be weird?

What? Why would that be weird?

-What are you implying?
-Nothing.

It's not weird for me either,
if we're keeping track of weirdnesses.

-Okay, what is going on here?
-Why would you? I don't even--

-Literally nothing going on.
-No, something's going on.

I've got a nose for news.

In this case, Nu is the Greek letter
representing the variable

for "What Is Going On?"

So let's solve for Nu, shall we?

I think someone's not saying something
to someone else about something.

-That's crazy.
-I know what it is.

Cabracadabra's going to be huge.

No one wants to say it out loud
because we're afraid we'll jinx it.

Yeah. That is exactly what it is.

Yes. Your stupid business
is gonna be very successful.

-Yes.
-Glad that's out in the open.

We all know what everyone was thinking,
we don't need to ask

any more questions
or do any wondering about mysteries.

Nope.

If you'll excuse me,
I need to go watch a sport.

Great idea.

The worst part is things have actually
been going really well with Todd.

Our friendship is in a really good place.

Last week he said,

"Did you know the wiener dog
is neither a wiener nor a dog?"

Instead of saying,
"Shut up, Todd," I said, "Okay."

[The Closer] So, why did you
sleep with Emily?

Do you think that part of you was getting
uncomfortable with that closeness?

You felt like you didn't deserve
Todd's friendship

and you wanted to somehow
externalize that feeling into action?

No, man, I think I'm just a dumb asshole.
Can't it just be that?

When you do bad things,

you have something you can point to
when people eventually leave you.

It's not you, you tell yourself,
it's that bad thing you did.

Do you often keep people at arm's length?

Are you afraid of being known
and knowing others?

Yeah, you know, I think that you're
definitely hitting on something real

that I would love to drill down into,

but I gotta go
to this marketing meeting now.

Which is so annoying
because I totally want to keep talking

about that thing you're talking about.

But marketing meetings, right?

I mean, they're so important.
Can I call you back tomorrow?

-Of course.
-Great. Bye.

-So, how was your marketing meeting?
-Weird.

-Sorry I'm late.
-It's fine. We're just getting started.

I had the worst morning.

Hanging on every word. Don't tell us.

So I drove here, right?

I'm sitting at the entrance to the garage
when I realize I don't have my key card.

I gotta drive all the way home to get it.

When I got there,
I couldn't find it anywhere.

Suddenly, I remember:
I put it in the glove compartment.

It was in my car the entire time.

Okay.

Because I was driving back and forth
so much, I ran out of gas.

I pulled into a 76.

I was about to pump the gas,
I realized I didn't have my credit card,

when I remembered
it was on my desk at home

because I used it to contribute to
my friend's dumb Kickstarter campaign.

Diane...

Have you donated
to Virginia's dumb Kickstarter yet?

-Oh, shit.
-Throw her 50 bucks. You can afford it.

Yeah, but I don't like feeling
like I have to, Roxy.

Does the world need
a stop-motion short film

about a pig who goes to circus school?

Think of it like you're doing
a nice thing for your friend.

Mmm... okay.

I called a cab to take me home
to get my credit card.

Then back to the gas station, get my car,
fill it up and come here.

So that's why I'm late.

-Why did you tell us that whole story?
-I don't know.

-Why did you tell me that whole story?
-I don't know.

Anyway, I had the ad agency whip up
some options for the new Secretariat ads.

Good news is the movie
is killing out there. Everyone loves it.

If everyone loves it,
why do we need a new ad campaign?

These are
the "For Your Consideration" ads.

They're a reminder to the Academy,
"Have you considered this yet?"

The Academy doesn't always
consider everything.

So they need constant
consideration reminders.

-That's very considerate.
-This one tested the best.

That's a good one.
The rest of these suck.

Dumb. Dumb. Stupid. Offensive.

Ugly. Boring. Typical. Stupid.

Bad. Hideous. Disgusting. Gross. Clich?.

-I am really good at this.
-Huh.

-I kind of like this one.
-How'd that piece of crap get in there?

We ruled that one out.

It's actually really powerful.

[The Closer] What spoke to you
about that particular ad?

[BoJack] I don't know.

All the pictures of me,
they looked backwards.

When I looked at the mirror ad,
I was seeing me as I see myself

and I thought
there was something beautiful about that.

Intimate, almost.

Of course you like this ad.
When you look at it

you see Secretariat, I see an old turtle.

"Hello, old turtle. Are you Secretariat?
No? You're just some old turtle?

-What the hell? You've aged terribly."
-But you've got the heart of a champion.

I got a team of cardiologists at Cedars
who say different.

Isn't that the point of the movie,
that anybody could be Secretariat?

The point of the movie is to make
a lot of money and win awards.

If anyone who looks at this ad
is Secretariat,

why should you win the Oscar?

He's right, BoJack. Why don't you
leave this to the experts, okay?

-Yes. You're a star.
-[moaning]

[The Closer]
So, you also had sex with your publicist?

[BoJack] Yeah, couple times.
We have a very complicated relationship.

It's complicated.

If our relationship was a Meryl Streep
movie, it would be Doubt.

Don't forget, you have Ellen tomorrow.

Don't wear that sweater I hate.

Yes. You're in charge.

Okay, you know, I gotta say
I don't feel like I'm in charge.

If you're gonna throw a tantrum,
forget the whole thing.

I'm not throwing a tantrum-- Why are we
having sex in my car?

-Can we at least go back to your place?
-No, BoJack.

I don't know where you live.

You control every part of my life,
I don't know anything about you.

[scoffs]

-You don't want to know me, BoJack.
-No, I do.

-I want to be known and know others.
-You don't.

I know you and I know what you want.
This is exactly what you want.

[The Closer]
What do you think she meant by that?

Better question:
Why am I still getting the L.A. Gazette?

Do you think getting the paper every day
is a reminder of Todd's papier-m?ch? head?

The project he abandoned
to make time for the old girlfriend

you spent an intimate night with?

Could that be why you want
to cancel your subscription?

No. I want to cancel my subscription
because newspapers are dumb.

I feel I'm very clear on this point.

Every morning,
someone knocks on my door and says,

"Throw away this garbage for me."

So you don't feel any guilt
about your tryst with Emily?

Well, I have had trouble sleeping.

[Emily and Todd laughing]

[Todd] You're silly.
[Emily] No, you're silly.

Oh, God.

-Okay, your turn, truth or dare.
-Truth.

What is the worst recent thing you did
to someone who cared about you?

-The worst thing? Or the most recent?
-Both.

Can you keep it down, please?
Some people are trying to sleep.

-We are keeping it down.
-We've been really quiet.

-You're basically shouting.
-Sorry.

-Do you want me to whisper? Like this?
-Yeah, we can be real whispery.

No, because then I'll hear the
"psst, psst, psst."

And I'll be up all night
wondering what you're talking about.

-Uh, what would we be talking about?
-Yeah, BoJack.

What would we be talking about?

I don't know. Dumb stuff.

Forget it. Can't sleep here.
I'm gonna go sleep in my boat.

[sighing]

-Freeze, candy ass.
-[gasping]

-Character Actress Margo Mart--?
-I said, "Freeze."

[The Closer] Hold on. Are you telling me
esteemed character actress

and fugitive from the law Margo Martindale
has been living in your boat?

Is this one of those situations where
everything we discuss is confidential,

due to customer
service rep-client privilege?

Of course.

Then yes,
Margo Martindale is living in my boat.

-How long have you been in here?
-Well, after the incident in Yorba Linda.

[yelling]

-[moaning]
-Eh...

Well, Margo, old gal,

looks like you've bought yourself
another day of freedom.

But at what cost?

I knew I had to lay low.
Go off the grid, disappear.

I know what "lay low" means.

So, I disappeared for a little bit.

Mm-hmm.

Somewhere I knew I had no chance
of being discovered--

regional theater.

I did a run at the La Jolla Playhouse
in an obscure Tennessee Williams play.

I have ambition, sir.

Dreams that don't incorporate
the concerns of cynics like you.

Cynic.
Always laughing that terrible laugh.

-Ramona...
-Well, go ahead and laugh.

Laugh your life away. I can laugh, too.

[laughing]

Ramona, I'm telling you...

[wailing]

She's dead.

[applause]

I was good. Too good.

The San Diego Union-Tribune
called me, "A talent to watch."

I knew I had to get out of there.

And you've been living here ever since?

That's right. I also did an arc
on The Good Wife.

-Other than that, laying low.
-The Good Wife?

How did you go on a nationally broadcast
TV show with no one catching you?

I disappeared into the role, BoJack.
It's called acting. Try it sometime.

And you're the one
who's been stealing our food.

You already know too much.

Smoke bomb.
Hi-yah!

-Why did you throw a plum on the floor?
-Thought it was a smoke bomb.

Where are my smoke bombs?

I'm gonna go sleep by the pool.

-Hey. BoJack's back.
-Yup.

My two favorite people
in a room together with me.

-You bet.
-Isn't this great, BoJack?

-The three of us under one roof?
-Yeah.

It's like Three Men and a Baby.

But there's only two men,
and the baby's a lady.

-[laughing]
-Uh-huh.

[yawning]

[chattering]

[sighing]

[The Closer]
With all this turmoil and upheaval,

sure would be nice to have
something you can depend on.

Something that arrives every day
at your doorstep,

with a robust arts section.

Let me tell you something
about the L.A. Gazette.

I don't think you finished the story
about your publicist.

What happened when you told her
you wanted to know her?

Oh, right. Well...

If we're gonna work together
and also have weird kinky car sex,

I wanna know something about you.

What do you wanna know?

I was married once.
I have a son I'm not allowed to see.

-My favorite fruit is honeydew.
-Gross, is that true?

Does it matter?

Listen, I've been
with guys like you before,

and I know this thing works better
if we keep a little distance.

And...
[grunting]

-[groaning] Well, that worked.
-Okay, we're done. I'll see you tomorrow.

[The Closer]
So, that's how you left things?

[BoJack] That's how she left things.
But then I followed her home.

[The Closer]
You did what?

[BoJack] She lives in this
tiny apartment in the Valley.

I could see her through the window
and I just watched her being... normal.

Oh!
[sighing]

[The Closer]
There's something very intimate

about watching a person be herself.

[BoJack] But it wasn't good intimate,
like when you see your mom cry.

It was bad intimate,

like when your dad writes a poem
about Lena Horne's nipples,

makes you read it out loud
so he can hear if it scans.

[The Closer] She warned you
that you wouldn't want to know her.

[BoJack] Yeah. She was right.

It's so sad that when you see someone
as they really are, it ruins them.

-Do you have someone you can talk to?
-About what?

These feelings you have,
your self-destructive behavior.

You know that old joke
about how many psychiatrists

does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The answer is just one,

but the light bulb has to want to change?

-I don't know that joke.
-That's it. That's the whole joke.

The light bulb has to want to change.

[laughing]
Yeah. Psychiatrists are idiots.

That's actually not the point of the joke.

-Hey. I need to talk to you.
-What the... I'm on the phone.

I got nominated for the Craig Noel Award
from the San Diego Theatre Critics Circle.

Oh, it's too much heat.

I'm taking your boat out
to international waters.

You never saw me.

On the phone.

I don't want to talk to anybody.

What I want is to have control
over my own life.

[engine starting]

Which is why I'm begging you

to please cancel my delivery
of the L.A. Gazette.

-I don't think you want to do that.
-I promise you I do.

No, because that's just theater.

It allows you to think you're in control,
but the whole idea of control is a myth.

The universe is a wild beast.

You can't tame it.
All you can do is try to live inside it.

Live inside the beast?
That's a mixed metaphor.

-But... you're right.
-Great.

I'm going to sign you up
for another six months.

Since you've been such a sport,
I'm throwing in a tote bag.

Thanks.
You've given me a lot to think about.

Okay, so I'm a passenger.

Remember the three D's:
drive safely, drive efficiently,

and don't harass the passenger.

-Todd, can I talk to you for a second?
-Sure. Driver, pull over, please.

-[imitating car braking]
-[imitating opening door]

-Can I talk to you alone?
-Of course.

Driver, put up the partition, please.

[imitating partition whirring]

I've been thinking,
and you should do this without me.

What? But the whole point
is we're doing it together.

But you don't need me anymore.

You have a whole team of coders,

and I don't think that I can work
in this house.

-What's wrong with the house?
-Todd, I just--

-I need to go.
-[imitating opening door]

I don't understand.

Did I do something
to make you feel uncomfortable?

No. You are great. It's me and... BoJack.

BoJack? [sighing]
What did he do this time?

I don't think
I've been a very good friend to you.

Things happened and...

I don't think BoJack's been
a very good friend to you either.

-Oh, okay.
-You should buy me out of the company.

No, no, no, keep your share.

Who knows?
It might be worth something someday.

You're sweet, Todd.

You shouldn't waste that on people
who don't deserve it.

Hey, you want this plum?
I found it in the kitchen.

Sure.

-[smoke bomb fizzing]
-[both] Whoa!

[coughing]

Weird plum.

[knocking on door]

How did you know where I live?

-Ana...
-You need to leave.

No, I know that it's exciting
to remain mysterious and in control,

but control is a myth.

That's a conclusion
I came to recently by myself.

I can't do this now.

I don't want to go home tonight.
I want to sleep in your bed,

I wanna see what
you look like waking up.

You are a beautiful,
sexy, fascinating, terrifying woman.

And I want to know you.
I'm not afraid of that.

And you don't have to be, either.

Okay.

And I want to go with the mirror ads
for Secretariat.

-BoJack, no, listen.
-Ana.

This is my campaign,
I know what I'm doing.

Call up Turteltaub and tell him
I won't be pushed around on this.

I'm the star and what I say goes.

Okay.

[cars honking]

[Ana] Hmm...

[Carolyn] It kind of just looks like
a billboard for the sky.

-I didn't think this part through.
-No kidding.

The sky is Secretariat? The sky
wants you to nominate it for an Oscar?

It is eerily beautiful.

Like an art piece
that resists interpretation.

Oh, good. Yeah. Wouldn't want the ad
for my movie to be interpretable.

If you stand where I'm standing,

you see a reflection
of the KIIS-FM billboard.

Beautiful. So we spent half a million
dollars on an Oscar campaign for KIIS-FM.

I'd hate to drive here at rush hour.

When the sun goes down
and hits that billboard,

that's gonna--
That's gonna be a real problem.

Well, the good news is
BoJack got what he wanted.

-[sighing]
-[bird screeching]

[all gasping]

Ugh.

-
I'm BoJack the Horseman

Boxer vs. Raptor,

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