All language subtitles for BoJack Horseman s03e02 Show.eng

Whoa.

So, that was weird.

Yeah. Wait.
Why did you think that was weird?

You know, you and me together, weird.

So it's not because
I did that talking penis thing, right?

Just the general concept of us
sleeping together that's weird, right?

Yeah.

[man] Good morning, Hollywood.
It's a beautiful morning in sunny 2007.

Oh, my God, 2007?
Is that what time it is?

I gotta get my Uggs on and get to work.

Well, you sure you don't want
to just hang around for a little bit?

- I got no plans.
- No, sadly, I have to go to my job,

to help my boss find gigs
for you to turn down.

If Marv brought me something good,
I would do it.

Besides, I'm still decompressing
from my last gig.

Horsin' Around?
That ended 11 years ago.

Really? Where does the time go?
[gulping]

What, you're just gonna stay at home
and get drunk all day?

Don't climb up my ass. I invited you
to play hooky and hang out with me.

I got a new HD DVD player.

Let's get wrecked and get Shreked.

BoJack, last night was fun
and you're sweet, sort of.

- I don't want to make a thing of this.
- We agree. It's not a thing.

- Not a thing.
- Definitely not a thing.

No, this is not a thing.
[nervous chuckling]

Yeah.

[funky electronic music]

[pop music playing]

Hey, Todd, I think you just got a text.

"Who do you like,
question mark, colon, bracket"?

That's a smiley face, homeslice.

- Who do you like?
- I don't like anyone.

That's ridonkulous.
You have to like someone.

- If I have to, I guess, uh... Kimber?
- [groans]

Everyone likes Kimber.
That's like saying you like Fergie.

- Who do you like?
- I'm not allowed to like anyone.

My dad is real strict.
Do you know The Sopranos?

The show, or that weird saxophone
that Kenny G plays?

The show, about the guy in the mob?
That's what my dad does.

Whoa! Hey, speaking of mobs,

we gotta bounce if we're gonna make
that flash mob at the Grove.

Man, I love flash mobs.

And I love you--

Ubisoft's "Assassin's Creed".
It's a new video game.

- Okay, let's go flash mob.
- Whoo! Flash mobs.

I just don't know
how I feel about my husband

doing a bunch of wacky commercials
overseas.

Not overseas, underseas.

You're looking at the new face
of Seaborn's Seahorse Milk.

What the hell is seahorse milk?

Beats me, but you better believe
I'm trusting Seaborn's.

For all my seahorse milk needs.

- It just seems a little cheesy.
- Hey, I'm not too big for anything.

And my flip phone
is blowing up with opportunities.

Michael Vick made me
a very strange offer.

But I'm gonna hear him out.
Always take the meeting.

Ahem. Can I help you?

I'll have an Americano
with steamed milk instead of water.

One latte?

For you, my second and final wife?

Oh, I usually like a cool drink
when it's hot outside

and a warm drink when it's cold outside.

But today is a perfect day, so--

One lukewarm coffee
for my gorgeous spouse.

Name?

Jessica, obviously. I'm Jessica Biel?

- Mmm... uh...
- From Stealth? Summer Catch?

Rules Of Attraction? Nothing?

[sighs] Girl from Seventh Heaven who
took her clothes off for that magazine?

- Oh, yeah.
- Thank you, Blarn?

That's my name.

So she kissed a girl, huh?

And she liked it? This I gotta see.

Talk to you later.

P.C., where are you hiding?

Right out here, Marv, same place
I've been for the last 14 years.

Get in here and tell me
what scripts I read this weekend.

We have three standouts here.

A feature called
No Country For Old Men.

- It's about a hunter who--
- [snoring]

Sorry, I fell asleep for a second.
Because that title's too long.

No Country For Old Men
It's About A Hunter Who?

Pass.

- Aaah!
- Titles should be two words.

Pretty Woman. Beautiful Girls.

Private Parts.

Then you might not like this next one,
There Will Be Blood?

There will not be blood.

I would have accepted
There Will, or Be Blood.

- Firm pass.
- Oh!

This last one is really special.

It's a TV pilot from a veteran sitcom
writer named Cuddlywhiskers called...

- Hmm... Mitch's Life.
- Now there's a title.

I think if we attach the right talent,
this could be a hit.

You know who'd be great?
BoJack Horseman.

[laughing]

Don't make me laugh, because I have
a heart condition and it could kill me.

Every little thing I bring that guy,
he turns down.

I think with the right project,
BoJack could--

Bup, bup, bup! P.C., do I get you coffee
and pick up your dry cleaning

and buy you peek-a-boo negligees
for strange women

- you saw at the train station once?
- No.

Then how about I don't do your job
and you don't do my job?

You know,
I would like to be an agent someday.

Yeah, yeah, someday, sure.

But for now,
you're learning from one of the greats.

Mark my words.

The best agent in the world
couldn't get that joker off his ass.

Hmm...

[doorbell rings]

BoJack, I brought you Four Loko.

I brought four Four Lokos.
That's 16 Lokos.

Finally someone brings me
an adequate amount of Lokos.

Are you trying to get me drunk?

[groans]
You were trying to get me drunk.

Where are you taking me,
what am I wearing?

To a meeting, and your clothes.

Is this a fedora?
What am I, Jason Mirzizzerzaz?

- I don't know.
- You know who.

I knew you wouldn't take this meeting
if I didn't trick you into it.

Cuddlywhiskers has a great script
and wants to meet you.

I have a script for you. It's called
"The BoJack Says No Chronicles".

Fade in, Princess Carolyn's car.

Princess Carolyn: "Hey, BoJack, you want
to do this dumbass thing?" Act break.

Act two.
BoJack turns to Princess Carolyn.

BoJack: "No, thank you." End of episode.

Hey! Aren't you the horse
from Horsin' Around?

[sighs] You see, this is why I don't
go out amongst the not-famouses.

Just do me a favor
and take this meeting.

- [groans]
- If you're a good boy,

we can do that weird French thing
you saw in that Internet video.

Ooh, parkour?

This show came to me
when I was in rehab.

I realized I'm only here on this earth
for a bit, why not dig deeper?

- Huh.
- Don't get me wrong.

I'm proud of the seven years
I spent on Krill & Grace.

That show did so much
for the way society views krill people.

That show didn't make me happy.

The awards, the money
didn't make me happy.

Did you try spending the money on things?

I started to feel like I was trapped
in a giant plastic ball.

BoJack, meet my lovely assistant,
Jill Filipowicz.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Did I say you could speak, wench?
- You can't talk to me like that.

[grunts]

- Clean up that mess this instant!
- No. I'm a dirty girl.

- Uh...
- I'm filthy.

- You are being very bad.
- You'll have to punish me later.

[both chuckling]

Jill and I have a very...
special relationship.

Want to tell me about the show?
I hear it's great.

I've worked on great shows
my whole career.

Great shows are easy.

I didn't become president of the Lampoon
so I could make "great" shows.

- Harvard Lampoon.
- Yeah, I got it.

I'm trying to do something different here.

- Something that lasts.
- Huh.

Think about it.

If you're ready to finally stop being
"The Horse" from Horsin' Around,

send me an e-mail:
Cuddlywhiskers@harvard.edu.

- That's H-A-R--
- I got it.

[gasps]

You got some mail, babe.

Mwah! You understand I'm using
that pet name ironically, right?

Yes, Wayne.

Oh, my God, check it out,
a rejection letter from The New Yorker.

That magazine is for white people.
White people are the worst, right, guys?

Yup.

"Dear Diane.
We are sorry to say that your piece,

'An Open Letter to Open Letters',
wasn't right for us,

despite its evident merit."
Do you know what this means?

Caring leads to disappointment?
Trying is stupid and so is having dreams?

Someone gave my piece a read
and decided against it.

Their journalistic style
couldn't be more outmoded.

- Satire? More like "sa-tired."
- I never even thought they'd read it.

"Talk of the Town"?
More like "Schlock of the Clown".

Then they typed me a letter
that said it had "obvious merit".

"Shouts and Murmurs"?
More like "Louts and..."

What rhymes with murmurs?

For two people
who don't like The New Yorker,

you know a lot about the different
sections of The New Yorker.

And then Cuddlywhiskers said:

"What if we stopped thinking of TV
as a conduit to tell stories

and thinking of it
as a conduit to tell truth?"

And I was like: "Damn, this guy
must have gone to Yale or something."

Sounds like you two really hit it off.

We were like Heidi and Spencer
up in there.

So you're gonna do the show?

- Nah. Timing's really off right now.
- [sighs]

iPhone's coming out this year,
I need to gear up for that.

I'm done. That's it, I'm tired
of bending over backwards for you.

I mean this in all seriousness,
professionally or in bed?

Why won't you do this?
Give me one good reason.

Because his show sounds incredible.
And what if... I'm not?

What if there's a reason the only thing
I'm known for is Horsin' Around?

BoJack, you are amazing.

You're bright and you're funny
and you're handsome and you're talented.

But if you can't see that,

then you're the biggest,
dumbest piece of shit in the world.

- [pop music playing]
- [laughter and chatter]

How long do we have to stay in here?

- It's called Seven Minutes in Heaven.
- Uh...

We don't have to kiss.

I know you'd rather be in here
with Kimber.

That's not true. It's just that, Emily...

- What?
- I've never kissed anyone before.

That's okay.
Maybe we can try with each other?

That way, when you're in here with Kimber
one day, you'll know exactly what to do.

Okay, so how should we do it?
French style, Eskimo, Butterfly?

I'll tell you. I know exactly what to do
because I practice all the time

with a picture of Adam Brody--
No, I don't!

[chuckles]

Just close your eyes,
and we move our faces toward each other.

- Okay.
- Until we...

- [sighs]
- [Marv] Oh!

Well, the elusive BoJack Horseman.

You do, huh? Hey, Princess Carolyn,
guess who just got BoJack a job.

You... are the secretary
of a wonderful agent.

Now go pick up
a pair of satin crotchless undies.

I saw a stewardess
at the Yum Yum Donuts.

We did not make eye contact.

[man] Good morning, Los Angeles.

It's two months later in 2007.

[man 2] Two months later?
Two months later than what?

[man 1] Did I say two months later?

Cookie chartreuse brontosaurus,
I think I'm having a stroke.

Aaah!

- Jeez, sleep much?
- Jeez, watch me sleep much?

Well, I couldn't sleep.

I kept thinking about
today's first read-through.

These things
are always so nerve-wracking,

to sit there and perform
for all these people like some kind of a--

- Professional actor?
- Very funny.

- Before I forget, I got you a present.
- [gasps]

It's a box...
with crinkly tissue paper inside it.

How did you know?

Thank you
for putting this whole thing together.

Even though I still can't believe
I let you talk me into this.

Promise me
everything's going to be okay?

I promise it's gonna be great.

If you get scared,
look for me in the audience.

I'll be there the whole time,
laughing and cheering louder than anyone.

- Mmm...
- Mm-mmm-mm.

"Mitch tosses the vodka bottle
into the garbage. Thud."

"Goodbye, old friend."

"Mitch turns off the light
and closes the door as we...

Fade to black. End of episode."

Thank you.

Let's see what the suits say.

Bet they're gonna want to bland it up,
make it appeal to middle America.

[groans] That's the worst part of America.

Other than the bottom,
the top and most of the sides.

BoJack, Cuddlywhiskers,
what can we say?

This is why you guys are the pros
and we're just the schmoes.

I think what my husband
is trying to say is, "Great job."

Enough with the torture.

Don't have to feed me to finger me.
Just lay on the notes.

[laughs] Our only note? No notes.

- No notes?
- We love this show.

BoJack, I'm calling it right now.

This show is gonna be as big
as Horsin' Around.

[gulps]

Huh.

And then Justin said, "Jessica Biel?
You are un-Jessica-Bielievable."

- It was so funny.
- Wow.

It seems like you're really
in sync with this Justin guy.

You should do all the things
with him that I can't do.

Like eat chocolate,
or enjoy fireworks, or watch tennis.

Why, tennis makes me so mad.
Why doesn't anyone ever catch the ball?

Hello? Can we please get
some service in this place?

I'm famous actress Jessica Biel.
I'm one of the Jessicas.

Mom, I'm finally gonna be
a published writer.

My "Open Letter to Open Letters"
is going to be published in McSweeney's.

Mc-What? Who's that? Some Irish?

No, Mom. It's a very popular website.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'm not falling for that scam.

Website? We gotta print it out
on our own paper with our own ink?

- I don't think so.
- Mom.

And my Blockbuster original series
has been keeping me very busy.

I still don't get how that's gonna work,
at all.

Babe, it makes total sense.

They make the whole season,
put it on six DVD's.

People go to their local Blockbuster Video

and rent it out one disc at a time
for five days each.

What if someone already rented
the episodes they want?

They can just get something else,
like The Illusionist or The Prestige.

- Whichever one you were in.
- Do you know which one?

- Do you?
- [groans]

- Why do you say yes to everything?
- I get excited by the possibilities.

Look, a CD, at a coffee shop?
That is crazy.

- Buying it.
- Eh-eh eh-eh! No.

- Drop it. Drop it.
- [whimpers]

Good boy.

Buzz-buzz-buzz buzz buzz-buzz!

- You heard what the network said.
- Heard they loved it.

Yoo-hoo! I also heard that.

Exactly. The network loved it.

Obviously, we're playing it too safe.

If you want my opinion, fellas,
you hit oil, stop drilling.

"I am an oil man.
I drink your milkshake."

- That'll be funny in a year or so.
- Before that got sad and weird,

you said, "If you want my opinion,"
and we don't.

Cuddlywhiskers, you told me
you wanted to do something different.

Now we're doing something that's gonna be
"just as good as Horsin' Around."

Is that what you wanted?
That's not why I'm here.

- I know.
- I really think you're making a mistake.

I'm not taking career advice

from somebody who's been
an assistant the last 14 years.

Is that how you think of me?
As your agent's assistant?

- What do you think you are?
- I don't know.

Here's some free advice:
you should know.

Why don't you leave this to the grown-ups?

Somebody needs coffee,
I'll give you a ring.

Okay, best of luck.

[clears throat]

Cuddlywhiskers,
let's give ourselves one night

to stick our dicks in this script
and go balls deep into the universe.

I'm in.

What's that, you say?
There's a panic? At the disco?

I gotta go. What do you want, Toots?

I want to be an agent. I think I'm ready.

[groans] Again with this
"I wanna be a female agent" thing.

They don't even have a word for it.
Uh, agentess, agentrix.

- It's just called "agent", Marv, agent.
- Okay, okay!

You're an agent, all right?
I dub thee agent.

You can even take my office,
because I quit.

- What?
- Who needs the headache?

Thirty years I threw into this job
and it destroyed me from the inside out.

I never fell in love,
I never had a family.

I never even got to give that lacy teddy

to the mean woman who worked at the DMV.

[sighs] All I have is regrets.

Oh, my God, I'm an agent!
I'm gonna make it after all.

Whaah!

First thing I'm gonna do
is get rid of that ceiling fan.

How do we make it clear
that this isn't Horsin' Around?

What if in the very first scene,
we show my character

literally taking a massive dump
on a VHS copy of Horsin' Around?

What? That's insane.

Let's just put it in,
we can always take it out later.

I want this character to be really edgy,

the kind of character Denis Leary
would be offered and then say:

"This character's too edgy for me."

What if he had a catchphrase
that was an anti-catchphrase?

Like if every time he entered the room
he was like, "Whassup, bitches?"

Not that, because that's horrible.
But something like that.

Whassup, bitches?

- That is so dumb.
- But kind of brilliant, right?

Yes, put that in.
Put all this in, this should be the show.

This should be the show.

I haven't felt this alive
since the head of the Charles Regatta.

- That's a Harvard thing.
- Yes. This is brilliant.

What if we had five minutes of him
reading a book to himself?

Oh, my God, yes.

Just him turning the page.
A close-up of my eyeball.

- [bottle breaks]
- The real shit, they never show that.

Wow, we did it.

We stayed up all night, but we really made
something new and different and daring.

We've changed everything but the title.

Well, then, how about
we give it a new title?

- The BoJack Horseman Show.
- [gasps]

Oh, Cuddlywhiskers,
I don't know what to say.

Well, then why don't you just say,
"Whassup, bitches?"

But, you know, not that.

- Something like that.
- We'll figure it out.

Seriously, can I hear 400 dollars?
Let's not forget why we're here tonight.

To raise money
for the John Edwards campaign.

I was talking
to one of the volunteers earlier

and she was just gushing
about how John Edwards touched her.

I say, let's make this man president
so he can touch whoever he wants.

- Four hundred dollars.
- I don't know what's cheesier,

this three-cheese risotto
or that dude's patter.

Seriously.

This fundraiser should have a fundraiser
for a better host of this fundraiser.

Totes McGotes.

I'll post that to my Twitter page.
You should follow me.

I'm A with a circle around it,
"insWayne in the membWayne".

- [Diane sighs]
- What's a Twitter page?

[chuckling] Erica, you know you're not
allowed to vote in national elections.

[electronic music playing]

You sure it's okay
to be in your parents' bedroom?

Todd, so we've been together
for months now.

Um, I was thinking maybe that we try sex?

Uh...

We don't have to.
I don't wanna peer pressure you.

No. I'm ready for sexual situations.

- Um...
- Hooray. Um, taking your virginity.

Yeah, sure. That's how I would say it.

Okay, here we-- Here I go.
Uh, this is Todd doing sex.

- [garage door opening]
- Did you hear that?

Oh, snap. My dad's home early.
You gotta get out of here.

Your dad, the mobster?

What? My dad's not a mobster.

You said he was like that guy
from The Sopranos.

I said he works on The Sopranos.
He's an editor.

Oh, God, oh, God! Even worse.

He must be so desensitized to violence

and nihilistic ruminations
on the banality of evil.

Here, out the window.
You love shimmying, right?

You know I love shimmying,
but that's a two-story drop.

Use this.

- Go, get out. Go, go!
- Uh, okay.

Oh, shit.

[grunts]
Sorry.

[panting]

Whoa, whoa, Tony marries Dr. Melfi?

Mamma mia!

- So, the island's purgatory, right?
- What's really happening--

- Hold that thought.
- [groans]

Hey, Princess Carolyn, you came.

I figured since I'm your agent, I should
at least show up to your premiere party.

I know I haven't called in a while.
I've been really busy.

I figured you'd call me
if you needed a coffee.

Ouch.

Hey, big premiere tonight.
Very exciting.

Yeah.

After tonight, it's no more "Aren't you
the horse from Horsin' Around?"

From now on it'll be,
"You're BoJack Horseman."

I'm happy for you, BoJack.

- How about a kiss for good luck?
- No, BoJack.

I'm your agent and your friend,
and I will always support you.

But I'm 33 years old, and I want
to have a family by the time I'm 40.

I don't want to spend the next seven years
in and out of love with you.

I've wasted too much time
waiting for things to happen.

And I'm not gonna wait anymore.

And for what it's worth, I always liked
the horse from Horsin' Around.

- You did?
- Yeah. Everybody did.

Unbelievable.
Un-Jessica-Bielievable.

Can we not fight while I'm at a gig?

There are a lot of big producers,
this could be my next big break.

[groans]
This podunk benefit is below us.

I'm about to be in what I've been told
is a very important gay rights movie,

I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.

I now pronounce me very impressed,
but I'm not getting those kinds of offers.

- As Justin would say, "Cry me a river."
- Hey, if you like Justin so much,

maybe you should just continue
to be really good friends with him.

Fine, maybe I will marry Justin.

Uh, I didn't say that.

I now pronounce this marriage over.
Biel with it.

[sobbing]

- You wanted water?
- Thanks.

Wait. Blarn, right?
Yeah, from the coffee shop.

What are you doing here?
Is there coffee to "bariste"?

I also do cater waiter gigs
to make ends meet.

You "bariste" and cater and waiter?
[laughs] Triple threat.

I should be bringing you the water.

You know, just for the record, I think
it's cool that you put yourself out there.

A lot of guys in your position
wouldn't take gigs like this.

They'd be afraid people
would make fun of them.

That's dumb.

If you care about what other people think,
you're never gonna do anything.

- Yeah, you're right.
- Oh, my God, I'm so glad you agree.

I was like, "Why did I say that?
That was so dumb."

Then you were like, "That's right."
And I was like, "Ooh! Validation."

- Hey, mind if I change out of this shirt?
- Go ahead.

[groans] This monkey suit is killing me.

Oof! Hey there, Delilah.

Sweet hang, Blarn.
You're one in a million.

- Actually, my name isn't Blarn.
- What?

I put that on my nametag as a dumb joke

to subvert the idea
of co-opting personal identity

to further corporate branding which,
as I'm saying it, isn't much of a joke.

[laughing]

"Blarn." That is very funny.
You should be a writer.

Thanks. I'm Diane.

- Mr. Peanutbutter.
- Yeah, I know.

- Add me on MySpace, okay?
- Sure.

All right.
Guess I'll see you around, Diana.

It's Diane.

Hey, buddy, slight change of plans.

Call it off.
Call the whole thing off.

What do you mean?
We premiere in two minutes.

Call the network,
cancel the whole thing.

Nobody wants to see me take a dump
on a Horsin' Around VHS.

BoJack, it's going to be fine.
This is what we wanted, remember?

Easy for you to say.
It's my name on the show.

This is why I didn't want to do
another TV show. Everything was perfect.

BoJack, this shit is bananas.
B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

I can't promise everyone
will love this show.

No matter what, people will remember it.

Five, ten years from now, this is the show
people will associate you with,

and you'll be glad they do.

Because this show is real,
it's edgy, it's different.

A lesser talent
couldn't have pulled it off.

But I'm willing to bet
on BoJack Horseman.

- Are you?
- Yes, I am.

Great. Because the show is starting
and your life is about to change forever,

in three, two, one.

[BoJack on TV]
Whassup, bitches?

-
I'm BoJack the Horseman

Boxer versus Raptor,

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