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1
00:00:26,840 --> 00:00:28,750
Rocket?
2
00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:30,200
Wake up!
3
00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:33,080
Last day on base!
4
00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:36,630
Our last breakfast.
5
00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:39,510
I hope it's sausages
- no, beans - no, both!
6
00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:42,270
No, souvenirs.
7
00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:45,520
Time to nick anything
that isn't nailed down.
8
00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:54,710
Let's raid the cookhouse.
9
00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:59,470
What, and proff some ladles? You're
not thinking big enough, Rocket.
10
00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:02,120
There are some pretty big ladles.
11
00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:17,240
CLANK, CRASH
12
00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:23,520
CLANK
13
00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:33,430
Private MacDowell, what
have you got there?
14
00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:34,880
Nothing.
15
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:39,510
A souvenir?
16
00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:41,590
Look, I get it. We
all want souvenirs.
17
00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:43,510
I know how it works,
I'm one of the guys.
18
00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:45,950
Sorry, Ma'am, but... you're
not one of the guys.
19
00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:47,340
Really?
20
00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:51,950
I know I'm "the boss", but it's
not like I'm actually bossy.
21
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:53,470
All right.
22
00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:57,070
Open the bag, Mac. That's an order.
23
00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:03,070
I can't believe you made me do
that, over some tiny little...
24
00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:05,670
The X-ray machine!? Bloody hell!
25
00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:07,070
What do you even want that for?
26
00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:09,110
~ X-ray my balls.
~ What?
27
00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:11,870
I'm going to open up my own
ball X-raying business.
28
00:02:11,920 --> 00:02:15,390
"Ballbags - no ball too small".
29
00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:18,910
~ Nobody wants their balls X-rayed.
~ I beg to differ.
30
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:22,520
Couldn't find any giant ladles,
but I've got beans!
31
00:02:23,640 --> 00:02:25,190
Is that the X-ray machine?
32
00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:27,910
Brilliant! Can you X-ray my balls?
33
00:02:56,520 --> 00:03:00,040
MUSIC: Sunny Afternoon by The Kinks
34
00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:11,070
So, Medal - what medal
do you think you'll get
35
00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:13,830
for your heroic night-time
stabbing frenzy?
36
00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:15,910
A Military Cross? QGM?
37
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:18,270
I didn't do anything that
any other well-trained,
38
00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:20,710
professional soldier
wouldn't have done.
39
00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:22,590
Oh, here you are.
40
00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:23,830
Message from the boss -
41
00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:26,270
meeting at 10.00 and then
a Survival Skills Refresher.
42
00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:28,990
~ Training? For fuck's sake!
~ But we're sunbathing! ~ Quite right.
43
00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:31,470
I can see you're all rushed
off your feet as it is.
44
00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:34,470
Oh, and Medal - Colonel
wants to see you.
45
00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:36,060
Roger that.
46
00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:39,470
Pull up a pew.
47
00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:42,950
You're all right. I don't need to sunbathe
- I'm hitched, remember? Job done.
48
00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:46,750
What - and Mrs Towerblock loves the,
er... what is that skin tone called?
49
00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:48,870
"Blind cave worm"?
50
00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:52,790
Mmm - sexy! We work in EOD.
You know what that stands for?
51
00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:54,710
ALL: Every One's Divorced.
52
00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:57,190
Nah, me and the missus have
got rules, to keep solid.
53
00:03:57,240 --> 00:03:58,710
I call her and the nipper every week
54
00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:02,590
and she doesn't wear her leather
skirt down the pub. Sorted.
55
00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:04,670
So, what's everyone doing
when they get home?
56
00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:06,870
~ Your mum.
~ Fuck off!
57
00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:08,030
What about you, Bird?
58
00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:10,670
Head back to Didcot, catch
up with some of the guys...
59
00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:12,390
shag some of the guys,
60
00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:14,270
read A Storm Of Swords in peace.
61
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:16,270
Your folks not meeting
you off the plane?
62
00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:18,830
Haven't even told them when I'm back.
63
00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:20,230
Bird, that is fucked up.
64
00:04:20,280 --> 00:04:21,790
I'll be too busy,
65
00:04:21,840 --> 00:04:23,710
what with the Storm Of Swords -
66
00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:24,910
and my reading.
67
00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:26,390
Wahey!
68
00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:28,470
Anyway, my sister's the favourite -
69
00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:32,110
lawyer, lives in
Richmond, kids. Urgh.
70
00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:34,310
Phone them. Seriously.
71
00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:36,750
Haven't got any minutes left.
Used them all for admin -
72
00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:38,630
well, shag-min.
73
00:04:38,680 --> 00:04:40,230
There's 40 minutes on there.
74
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:45,150
Fine. I'll call them, just to prove
how little of a shit they give.
75
00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:48,790
A microscopic micro-turd
- that's how little.
76
00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:50,640
Ooh - it's done!
77
00:04:55,240 --> 00:04:56,910
KNOCKS AT DOOR
78
00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:59,470
Corporal, come in.
79
00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:02,110
It's about the medal recommendation.
80
00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:05,590
There was talk of a QGM, but
I mean, what is gallantry?
81
00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:08,470
One man's gallantry is another
man's raw instinct.
82
00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:10,790
Just protecting the team -
didn't do it for the medal.
83
00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:13,670
A very healthy attitude, especially
as you're not going to get one.
84
00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:16,630
Fucking hell... sir... Sorry, sir.
85
00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:19,310
They felt you didn't do
anything that any other
86
00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:22,590
well-trained professional
soldier wouldn't have done.
87
00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:23,750
Oh...
88
00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:25,390
Sorry about that.
89
00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:27,710
Bit of a boot in the nuts,
but just one of those things.
90
00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:29,300
Is it, sir?
91
00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:31,710
Is it?
92
00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:36,510
It is. It is, it's, er... It is, sir.
93
00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:38,110
You're a good soldier, Lansley -
94
00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:40,790
and I'm sure your team are very
grateful. That's what matters.
95
00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:43,710
~ I think if you...
~ Carry on! ~ Right...
96
00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:54,950
~ Having some work done on it, sir?
~ Mmm.
97
00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:57,550
Keep an eye on Simon, would you?
98
00:05:57,600 --> 00:06:00,390
Had a bit of a knock-back, so make
sure the team show him the love.
99
00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:02,550
Though not in a Thursday night way.
100
00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:04,230
Sir.
101
00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:06,750
Caught Mac proffing the X-ray
machine this morning.
102
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:08,390
For his balls, I presume?
103
00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:09,990
.. Yes.
104
00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:11,350
I hate having to be the villain.
105
00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:13,830
I was just starting to
feel they'd accepted me.
106
00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:17,580
Got to have a proper villain.
What's the first rule?
107
00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:20,310
~ BOTH: Have a proper villain.
~ Good.
108
00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:23,470
They can't go round
nicking stuff, so...
109
00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:26,630
If I were you, I'd focus on getting
everyone on the plane in one piece.
110
00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:28,150
Carry on.
111
00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:32,460
Ah, Boss. Um...
112
00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:34,550
About this training...
113
00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:36,150
Survival Skills? Essential.
114
00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:39,630
It's the last day.
Um, with respect...
115
00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:41,190
no-one's really up for it.
116
00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:43,910
Bird, we're in a hazardous
environment. We need to stay sharp.
117
00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:45,990
I think the guys do know that.
118
00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:49,870
Oh, that's not my reading of
the guys, but you're the boss.
119
00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:52,550
See you at the training. I'm really
looking forward to it, now.
120
00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:54,000
Are you?
121
00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:57,800
No, right...
122
00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:04,430
Can't believe she took
back the X-ray machine.
123
00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:05,630
I know.
124
00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:08,150
I was hoping for radioactive balls.
125
00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:11,150
~ Wait! Stop it, I'm having that...
~ I wanted that flag...
126
00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:13,230
Fucking stop pulling
it, you bell ends!
127
00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:17,190
What's going on here? Towerblock,
Get down off that table!
128
00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:18,710
What do you even want it for?
129
00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:20,590
I want to cut out the red bits.
130
00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:22,750
But now, we'll have to go
and give it back to the CQ -
131
00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:24,870
because apparently,
souvenirs are banned.
132
00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:26,110
No...
133
00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:28,710
I was going to say, why don't we have
134
00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:32,350
a fun little competition, to
see who gets the flag? Yeah?
135
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:34,710
~ Can't I just take it?
~ Really, Boss? ~ Oh, Bird, we're...
136
00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:36,470
Can't fucking believe it.
137
00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:38,510
My parents are going
to meet me at Brize.
138
00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:40,670
They were meant to be having
dinner with my sister,
139
00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:44,190
~ but they moved it to the next
day - they can't wait to see me. ~ There you go...
140
00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:47,590
We had this massive
heart-to-heart and...
141
00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:51,430
Ngh, oh... They love me,
Towerblock. They fucking love me.
142
00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:54,310
~ Of course they do.
~ I only joined the Army to piss them off.
143
00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:57,470
My whole life has been a lie.
I'm such a fucking idiot!
144
00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:58,830
You're not a fucking idiot.
145
00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:00,910
You've only got two minutes
of phone time left.
146
00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:03,070
You fucking idiot! I've
got to call my missus!
147
00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:05,790
~ Ooh! Can I have the flag as a souvenir?
~ Well, actually, we're...
148
00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:07,830
We've got to have some
gay competition for it.
149
00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:09,190
You want flag?
150
00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:11,310
I can get British flags
for all of you -
151
00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:14,480
and American ones, which my supplier
has pre-soaked in petrol.
152
00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:19,150
~ I want this one.
~ I have other souvenirs, including...
153
00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:23,190
Faruq Sings The Hits That Rod
Stewart Also Sang, But Before.
154
00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:24,640
Right...
155
00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:28,070
Help me out here - I
have a thousand copies.
156
00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:30,660
Oh, well - I'm sure we'll all...
157
00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:32,830
.. bear that in mind.
158
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:35,350
So, the most awesome
souvenir wins the flag.
159
00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:37,830
~ We've all got stuff, right?
~ ALL TALK OVER EACH OTHER
160
00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:39,270
OK, back here in ten.
161
00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:41,310
Boss, what about the training?
162
00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:42,790
Training?
163
00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:45,630
Bore off, dulloid! It's the last day.
164
00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:47,070
Let's have some fun!
165
00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:48,950
Hey, guys! Count me in for fun!
166
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:50,830
I thought we were doing
Survival Skills?
167
00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:52,510
Some of us already have those.
168
00:08:52,560 --> 00:08:54,710
A couple of hexi blocks,
sharp knife...
169
00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:57,550
I could live in the wild,
pretty much indefinitely.
170
00:08:57,600 --> 00:09:01,150
~ You all right, Medal?
~ Errgh! Not "Medal" any more.
171
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:04,030
~ Oh, no, really?
~ Eh? I don't get it! ~ Shit, really?
172
00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:06,470
Nope. I just heard from the
Colonel. But who cares?
173
00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:08,950
We don't do this for medals, do we?
174
00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:11,670
~ You do.
~ Mac, he does not.
175
00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:13,830
Simon, I'm so sorry...
176
00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:16,390
So, we can't call you "Medal" now?
177
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:18,390
Can we call you "Mentioned
in Dispatches"?
178
00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:20,350
Errgh! Didn't even get that.
179
00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:21,910
Can we call you "No Medal"?
180
00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:24,630
You can call me whatever
the fuck you like.
181
00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:26,830
We do that, anyway.
182
00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:29,470
Well, Simon - as a fun team thing,
183
00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:32,670
we were having a competition
for the best souvenir.
184
00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:36,360
Why would I want to
remember any of this?
185
00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:42,110
Simon?
186
00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:45,990
Simon, look -
187
00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:48,390
I know you wanted something
to happen between us and...
188
00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:50,270
No, it's not that.
189
00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:52,590
It's all in the past.
190
00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:55,830
Well, obviously the medal
was a real blow...
191
00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:58,070
That's fine. It's fine, it's fine.
192
00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:01,310
You know? I mean, it's
not like it's even fair,
193
00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:03,760
because you know who got one?
194
00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:06,790
Captain Parfitt - Military Cross.
195
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,670
Parfo?
196
00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:10,110
~ Bloody hell!
~ Yeah!
197
00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:13,550
The big cheese who's married
to Charlotte, my ex, who...
198
00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:14,830
Sorry, do you know him?
199
00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:16,620
Er... we dated.
200
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:20,590
For a few months. It
was never going to last.
201
00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:22,830
Yeah - cos he's an A-grade
arsehole, right?
202
00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:24,710
One of those wanker
officers who just...
203
00:10:24,760 --> 00:10:27,790
No, no, no, Parfo's lovely.
204
00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:31,750
I left him, because I thought
he was too good for me.
205
00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:34,190
He's brave, kind...
206
00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:38,310
Well, today just gets
better and better.
207
00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:41,600
Maybe my luck will change and
I'll get run over by a mastiff!
208
00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:44,440
SIMON SCREAMS
209
00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:58,550
OK, guys, this is a postcard painted
for me by my last interpreter.
210
00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:00,790
Oh, this is a doll I found...
211
00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:02,590
Holy shit!
212
00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:04,870
Towerblock, that's a mortar tube!
213
00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:06,870
Well, it's something for
the kids to play with.
214
00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:08,470
It's not safe!
215
00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:11,030
Bird, that's a mine I have
never even seen before.
216
00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:12,670
It's a collector's item -
217
00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:15,390
just whack a "Free From
Explosive" certificate on it.
218
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:17,830
~ You can do that.
~ Yeah, I could do that -
219
00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:20,230
if it was actually
free from explosives.
220
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:23,190
Mac, that needs a wash...
that's rusty and lethal....
221
00:11:23,240 --> 00:11:25,510
that has its own clause
in the Geneva Convention.
222
00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:28,390
~ No, I'm sorry...
~ Fine!
223
00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:30,710
Some fucking competition this was.
224
00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:33,300
Guys, you can't take these home.
225
00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:38,110
This is a souvenir. These
are war trophies.
226
00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:40,440
Leave them here. Sorry.
227
00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:43,670
Rocket, the water bottle's fine.
228
00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:46,390
~ Yes!
~ So this whole thing was a sting?
229
00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:48,350
That is a very Rupert move.
230
00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:49,750
That is not fair.
231
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:53,030
I didn't expect you to bring
me a bunch of rusty death traps.
232
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:56,080
What were you expecting?
We're soldiers.
233
00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:59,390
"One of the guys", my arse.
234
00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:02,440
~ Do you know where I could get
this filled with nerve gas? ~ No.
235
00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:09,630
Oh, two minutes will be enough.
236
00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:11,070
Cos you're solid, right?
237
00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:13,150
~ Sat phone kicking about?
~ In there.
238
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:16,600
Towerblock, don't give
me the silent treatment.
239
00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:19,310
All right.
240
00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:21,100
Fuck off, Bird.
241
00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:25,030
Hello? Is that Hibiscus?
242
00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:26,790
I'm sure you're packed
to the rafters,
243
00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:29,950
but is there any chance of
a table on Saturday evening...
244
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:31,950
Oh, are you?
245
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:33,630
I'm sorry about the line,
246
00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:37,510
but I'm serving with Her Majesty's
Armed Forces in Afghanistan.
247
00:12:37,560 --> 00:12:38,910
BANG BANG
248
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:40,670
No, no, nothing we can't handle.
249
00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:41,960
BANG
250
00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:48,120
FARUQ SCREAMS THREATS
251
00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:52,560
A table's just opened up?
252
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,710
Eight o'clock will be perfect.
253
00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:56,870
Lieutenant Colonel Smith.
254
00:12:56,920 --> 00:12:58,590
See you, then.
255
00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:04,430
Cheers, Sir.
256
00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:07,590
~ Carry on.
~ You like Rod Stewart? ~ Love him.
257
00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:09,310
KEYS IN NUMBER
258
00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:13,510
All right, love?
259
00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:16,550
Yeah, I'm just ringing to...
260
00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:17,990
Oh, is she?
261
00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:19,870
Aw, bless!
262
00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:22,350
No, don't put her on, I've
only got a couple of minutes.
263
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:24,750
So, I get back on...
264
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:29,120
What? No, well, I had to give
some minutes to Bird and she...
265
00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:32,470
No.
266
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:33,990
No, she's not.
267
00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:37,190
No, of course you're more
important than she is.
268
00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:39,230
Get off!
269
00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:42,280
What? No, she's...
No, she's not here...
270
00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:45,640
BIRD SNIFFS
271
00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:48,750
Shagging her?
272
00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:50,790
She's not even fit!
273
00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:52,030
Ow!
274
00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:55,720
No, I'll... I'll explain
when you pick me up.
275
00:13:56,880 --> 00:13:58,190
What?!
276
00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:00,590
Now, listen, no, you listen -
277
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:04,040
I paid for that fucking
Mini, so you'd better...
278
00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:08,510
Great.
279
00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:10,070
She thinks we're shagging.
280
00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:12,320
Why would she think that?
281
00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:20,870
Nice bit of kit that, sir.
282
00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:23,230
~ I imagine you'll be sorry to see that go.
~ Mmm.
283
00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:25,220
I'd imagine I would.
284
00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:30,520
All right, mate?
285
00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:35,710
~ Soz about the medal.
~ It's fine. ~ What's this?
286
00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:39,790
~ "My childhood was a series..."
~ Not for publication!
287
00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:41,950
~ You having another go at a memoir?
~ No.
288
00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:45,200
A Foot In Death's Door II
- Two Feet In Death's Door!
289
00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:49,150
Actually, Bird - I've
been trying to work out
290
00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:51,270
where I've been going
wrong all these years.
291
00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:54,350
Uh, it's basically stuff
like this, mate -
292
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:56,510
overthinking everything!
293
00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:58,310
You need to get home and take...
294
00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:00,270
There's nothing for me in Braintree.
295
00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:01,910
Yeah, I can believe that.
296
00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:04,790
Just get out of yourself, for a bit.
297
00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:07,550
A serious bout of heavy drinking
- some extreme sports, perhaps?
298
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:09,710
Probably not in that order.
299
00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:12,030
And see your parents. They love you.
300
00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:13,350
Meh...
301
00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:19,510
When Charlotte left me, I just
think they were so disappointed...
302
00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:24,190
They love us... more than we know...
303
00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:27,080
Mm. I'm fine, fine...
304
00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:31,950
~ Anyway - I just think that...
~ There's a shout on.
305
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:34,710
Reaper drone's come down, and
we get to blow it up. Mint!
306
00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:37,390
But we're all packed up. Heli's
picking us up four hours.
307
00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:40,440
Oh, right! Forget it then -
just stay here, have a brew.
308
00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:45,430
Oh, cheer up, Numpty! Take
it out on the Taliban.
309
00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:49,040
Why? They're the only ones I
have no personal quarrel with!
310
00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:13,870
Mac, stop that!
311
00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:15,390
Perfect souvenir!
312
00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:17,630
No, no, it's not - it's a war trophy.
313
00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:19,910
It's not like you found a
piece lying on the ground.
314
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:22,990
Ooh! Let's not blow it up!
315
00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:24,670
If we can all take a bit home,
316
00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:27,590
we can put it back together
and fly it about!
317
00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:30,950
Rocket, the enemy really want this,
so we have to deny it, ASAP.
318
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:33,110
I'm putting a three minute
fuse on these charges,
319
00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:36,150
by which time, we need
to be 500 metres away, OK?
320
00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:39,270
Now, give me 100 metres,
while I light them.
321
00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:40,520
Go!
322
00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:07,550
Oh, shit.
323
00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:15,100
Go, go!
324
00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:19,800
GUNFIRE
325
00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:22,820
Fucking ambush!
326
00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:28,310
Diamond 21, this is
Bluestone 42. Contact.
327
00:17:28,360 --> 00:17:31,660
Enemies times five. We
are engaging. Wait out.
328
00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:42,470
This is not a safe distance...
Shit! 90 seconds!
329
00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:43,870
Boss, we're pinned down.
330
00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:46,830
~ I'm going to leg it over
there, draw their fire. ~ Simon, that's insane!
331
00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:49,550
Their AKs aren't that accurate.
I'll hide behind the berm.
332
00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:51,870
You guys flank them, before
the charges function.
333
00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:53,630
It's too risky!
334
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:57,480
Well, at least if I die,
I might get a fucking medal!
335
00:18:04,040 --> 00:18:06,470
~ MAC LAUGHS
~ Holy shit!
336
00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:08,960
Yoo-hoo, jizzbags!
337
00:18:12,440 --> 00:18:13,720
On me!
338
00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:30,550
Everybody down!
339
00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:32,640
BOOM
340
00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:51,390
Look what I found!
341
00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:55,150
Just lying on the ground.
342
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:56,990
Gleaming!
343
00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:58,510
Simon, are we clear?
344
00:18:58,560 --> 00:18:59,960
'Clear!'
345
00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:12,040
That's it, then.
346
00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:17,980
Can we go home now?
347
00:19:34,480 --> 00:19:36,280
Good work, chaps.
348
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,670
Welcome back, Bluestone 42.
349
00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:43,990
I hear Corporal Lansley
was the hero of the hour.
350
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:45,710
We wouldn't have got
back without him.
351
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:48,830
Me and Rocket's going to
make him a medal. The MRGM -
352
00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:50,950
the Mac and Rocket Gallantry Medal.
353
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:52,230
Prestigious(!)
354
00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:53,830
While I write him up for a real one.
355
00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:55,670
Oh, and you've missed your transport,
356
00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:57,990
but there's going to be another
heli at 19.00 hours.
357
00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:00,150
It'll mean getting home
a day later, I'm afraid.
358
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:01,590
Fucking RAF!
359
00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:04,510
You've all got an extra five minutes
on your phone cards to call home.
360
00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:07,800
~ Carry on.
~ Five minutes to save his marriage!
361
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:10,520
Unbelievable!
362
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:17,350
Love, listen - please,
just let me explain.
363
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:18,830
Hi, Mrs Towerblock...
364
00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:21,470
~ Give it here! Give it here!
~ Corporal Bird here. Lynda, yeah.
365
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:24,710
Just want you to know, I'm
not shagging your husband.
366
00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:26,230
Yeah.
367
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:27,950
I bet he does.
368
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:32,200
Is it? Really? BIRD LAUGHS
369
00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:36,440
No!
370
00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:42,360
MAC HUMS
371
00:20:43,810 --> 00:20:45,920
Oh! Here he is.
372
00:20:45,970 --> 00:20:48,650
MAC FANFARES
373
00:20:50,370 --> 00:20:51,880
APPLAUSE
374
00:20:51,930 --> 00:20:54,120
OK, then. Let's have it.
375
00:20:54,170 --> 00:20:58,040
We are giving you... a medal.
You know, for your bravery?
376
00:20:58,090 --> 00:21:01,240
It is the highest medal that can
be conferred on an Englishman.
377
00:21:01,290 --> 00:21:03,520
The MRGM.
378
00:21:03,570 --> 00:21:06,770
What does that stand
for? Medal for Really...
379
00:21:08,010 --> 00:21:10,280
.. Gay Mingers?
380
00:21:10,330 --> 00:21:11,440
Eh?
381
00:21:11,490 --> 00:21:13,160
Fuck you, guys.
382
00:21:13,210 --> 00:21:15,720
I saved your lives today and
all you do is take the piss.
383
00:21:15,770 --> 00:21:18,720
Simon, they've stopped taking the
piss. They're showing you respect.
384
00:21:18,770 --> 00:21:20,320
It's made of chocolate.
385
00:21:20,370 --> 00:21:22,560
Funny, guys(!)
386
00:21:22,610 --> 00:21:24,640
Really funny(!)
387
00:21:24,690 --> 00:21:26,630
We were being nice!
388
00:21:27,330 --> 00:21:29,920
~ Simon!
~ Boss, just give him a minute.
389
00:21:29,970 --> 00:21:33,000
OK. I'll sit next to him on the
plane, have a heart-to-heart.
390
00:21:33,050 --> 00:21:35,440
Right. OK, one more thing...
391
00:21:35,490 --> 00:21:37,080
Whoa, whoa, whoa...
392
00:21:37,130 --> 00:21:39,530
No, no, no, like it or not...
393
00:21:40,130 --> 00:21:41,520
.. I got the best souvenir.
394
00:21:41,570 --> 00:21:43,560
Mac, there was no
competition, it was just...
395
00:21:43,610 --> 00:21:45,720
MAC FANFARES
396
00:21:45,770 --> 00:21:46,800
Nice!
397
00:21:46,850 --> 00:21:49,400
You said it would be OK, if I just
found it lying on the ground.
398
00:21:49,450 --> 00:21:52,570
Yes, I did. But it's
not as good as...
399
00:21:54,010 --> 00:21:56,760
.. this. The seeker head
from the Hellfire missile.
400
00:21:56,810 --> 00:21:58,840
~ This is a thing of beauty...
~ Wow, fuck me!
401
00:21:58,890 --> 00:22:01,920
I think I win. In fact, I'm
in charge, so I say I win.
402
00:22:01,970 --> 00:22:03,840
Fair enough.
403
00:22:03,890 --> 00:22:07,290
You're abusing your position
for personal gain.
404
00:22:07,690 --> 00:22:09,830
You are one of the guys.
405
00:22:12,290 --> 00:22:13,480
What, really?
406
00:22:13,530 --> 00:22:15,320
I admire your balls.
407
00:22:15,370 --> 00:22:17,120
If you ever need them X-rayed,
408
00:22:17,170 --> 00:22:19,170
stop off at Ballbags.
409
00:22:19,570 --> 00:22:21,080
Well...
410
00:22:21,130 --> 00:22:24,610
because I'm part of such a great
team, I don't need this...
411
00:22:25,690 --> 00:22:29,360
.. because I've the memory
of working with all of you.
412
00:22:29,410 --> 00:22:31,950
So, Mac - I want you to have it.
413
00:22:33,130 --> 00:22:34,880
~ Nah, lost my respect again.
~ Oh!
414
00:22:34,930 --> 00:22:37,880
If you're just going to hand it
over, then I'm fucking having it.
415
00:22:37,930 --> 00:22:40,290
ALL SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER
416
00:22:41,610 --> 00:22:43,610
I believe I win this.
417
00:22:44,210 --> 00:22:45,560
Eh?
418
00:22:45,610 --> 00:22:49,560
Well, if you look over there, those
boxes contain my Land Rover,
419
00:22:49,610 --> 00:22:52,480
labelled and ready to be
shipped to my home address.
420
00:22:52,530 --> 00:22:54,200
Best souvenir, I think.
421
00:22:54,250 --> 00:22:56,280
You proffed an actual Land Rover?
422
00:22:56,330 --> 00:22:57,800
That's completely...
423
00:22:57,850 --> 00:23:00,160
A Land Rover? Did I say that? Oh, no.
424
00:23:00,210 --> 00:23:02,320
Those are boxes of audio cassettes.
425
00:23:02,370 --> 00:23:04,490
CASSETTES RATTLE
426
00:23:07,690 --> 00:23:11,000
My only crime is loving Rod Stewart.
427
00:23:11,050 --> 00:23:13,920
We are sailing
428
00:23:13,970 --> 00:23:16,560
We are sailing
429
00:23:16,610 --> 00:23:18,920
Home again
430
00:23:18,970 --> 00:23:21,280
Cross the sea
431
00:23:21,330 --> 00:23:23,200
We...
432
00:23:23,250 --> 00:23:24,720
Your loss.
433
00:23:27,490 --> 00:23:28,760
Bird?
434
00:23:30,770 --> 00:23:32,080
So, is my missus taking me home
435
00:23:32,130 --> 00:23:33,840
in that mini that I'm
paying for, or what?
436
00:23:33,890 --> 00:23:35,280
~ Yes, she is...
~ Oh, thank God!
437
00:23:35,330 --> 00:23:37,600
..straight after she's dropped
me off in Portsmouth.
438
00:23:37,650 --> 00:23:38,840
You what?
439
00:23:38,890 --> 00:23:41,960
Yeah, my parents aren't picking me
up again, cos of the flight change.
440
00:23:42,010 --> 00:23:45,440
Apparently they don't want to mess
my sister around. Arseholes!
441
00:23:45,490 --> 00:23:47,880
That's got to be like
a four hour round trip -
442
00:23:47,930 --> 00:23:49,440
and then another four to Leeds!
443
00:23:49,490 --> 00:23:53,290
What can I say? Me and your
missus really hit it off.
444
00:23:53,890 --> 00:23:56,280
She's like the sister I never had.
445
00:23:56,330 --> 00:23:57,760
You've got a sister!
446
00:23:57,810 --> 00:24:00,750
..Who's dead to me
- as are my parents.
447
00:24:01,130 --> 00:24:02,960
See you in the car.
448
00:24:03,010 --> 00:24:04,610
Oh, shotgun!
449
00:24:06,570 --> 00:24:09,440
Oh, when I get home, I'm
going on a Greggs-crawl.
450
00:24:09,490 --> 00:24:10,640
Lucky you.
451
00:24:10,690 --> 00:24:14,360
I'm off on a motoring tour
of the South of England.
452
00:24:14,410 --> 00:24:15,640
Where is Simon?
453
00:24:15,690 --> 00:24:18,280
Oh, good point. Where is
Simon? Anyone seen him?
454
00:24:18,330 --> 00:24:20,930
He owes me 200 for certain items.
455
00:24:21,490 --> 00:24:23,320
He swore me to secrecy.
456
00:24:23,370 --> 00:24:25,760
Hexamine, sharp knife, stove...
457
00:24:25,810 --> 00:24:28,280
Is he planning a camping trip?
458
00:24:29,410 --> 00:24:31,080
Oh, shit!
459
00:24:31,130 --> 00:24:33,200
~ Fucking hell!
~ Shit...
460
00:24:43,690 --> 00:24:46,280
"The mountains will appreciate me?"
461
00:24:46,330 --> 00:24:48,720
We think he's gone AWOL, sir.
462
00:24:48,770 --> 00:24:51,280
Yes, I can fucking see that!
463
00:24:51,330 --> 00:24:53,800
What happened to getting them
all on the plane in one piece?
464
00:24:53,850 --> 00:24:55,920
~ Yes, sir...
~ Now I have to stay here and find him -
465
00:24:55,970 --> 00:24:58,040
search parties, Special Forces!
466
00:24:58,090 --> 00:25:00,840
I was meant to be taking
my wife to Hibiscus!
467
00:25:00,890 --> 00:25:02,920
Fucking hell!
468
00:25:02,970 --> 00:25:05,040
CRASH
469
00:25:05,090 --> 00:25:06,520
Op round-up, now -
470
00:25:06,570 --> 00:25:09,280
I want the base searched and
an ops meeting at 19.00 hours.
471
00:25:09,330 --> 00:25:12,120
Sir, we would like to stay and
help look for him. Right, Rocket?
472
00:25:12,170 --> 00:25:14,840
~ Aye. We need to find him.
~ We'll all stay.
473
00:25:14,890 --> 00:25:16,160
No, no, no.
474
00:25:16,210 --> 00:25:18,920
The last thing I need is
"help" from Bluestone 42.
475
00:25:18,970 --> 00:25:21,400
I'll find him, don't
you worry about that.
476
00:25:21,450 --> 00:25:23,790
You scamps get on your heli.
477
00:25:24,330 --> 00:25:27,240
OK. Well, sir...
478
00:25:27,290 --> 00:25:30,120
~ Off we fuck.
~ No, not "off we fuck"!
479
00:25:30,170 --> 00:25:31,200
Fuck off!
480
00:25:31,250 --> 00:25:33,520
Fuck off onto the heli, then
fuck off onto the plane,
481
00:25:33,570 --> 00:25:35,760
then carry on fucking
off out of Afghanistan.
482
00:25:35,810 --> 00:25:37,610
Go on, fuck off!
483
00:25:44,010 --> 00:25:46,240
~ He can't have gone far.
~ Aye.
484
00:25:46,290 --> 00:25:48,430
He's only got wee legs.
485
00:25:48,610 --> 00:25:50,160
The Colonel will find him.
486
00:25:50,210 --> 00:25:52,200
.. And cut his balls off.
487
00:25:52,250 --> 00:25:54,000
Or some locals will find him.
488
00:25:54,050 --> 00:25:55,840
.. And cut his balls off.
489
00:25:55,890 --> 00:25:57,400
Mac, not helping.
490
00:25:57,450 --> 00:25:59,480
I'm kidding!
491
00:25:59,530 --> 00:26:02,530
He'll probably be eaten
by wolves first.
492
00:26:06,450 --> 00:26:09,250
I think a nice cup of tea, don't you?
493
00:26:10,330 --> 00:26:12,470
Yes, Lieutenant Lansley.
494
00:26:19,490 --> 00:26:21,430
OK, Captain Best...
495
00:26:21,970 --> 00:26:23,450
.. Ellen.
496
00:26:25,210 --> 00:26:27,810
We'll just wait for that to boil.
497
00:26:28,530 --> 00:26:31,050
ENGINE REVS
498
00:26:38,050 --> 00:26:40,160
It's all right, Captain.
499
00:26:40,210 --> 00:26:42,280
We're quite safe here.
500
00:26:47,290 --> 00:26:50,200
HELICOPTER BLADES
501
00:26:50,250 --> 00:26:53,810
MUSIC: Sailing by Rod Stewart
502
00:26:56,970 --> 00:27:00,480
I am sailing
503
00:27:00,530 --> 00:27:04,720
I am sailing
504
00:27:04,770 --> 00:27:08,400
Home again
505
00:27:08,450 --> 00:27:11,960
Cross the sea
506
00:27:12,010 --> 00:27:19,600
I am sailing stormy waters
507
00:27:19,650 --> 00:27:23,480
To be near you
508
00:27:23,530 --> 00:27:25,650
To be free
509
00:27:27,170 --> 00:27:30,920
I am flying
510
00:27:30,970 --> 00:27:34,800
I am flying
511
00:27:34,850 --> 00:27:38,640
Like a bird
512
00:27:38,690 --> 00:27:42,240
Across the sky
513
00:27:42,290 --> 00:27:50,080
I am flying, passing high clouds
514
00:27:50,130 --> 00:27:53,120
To be with you
515
00:27:53,170 --> 00:27:55,770
To be free
516
00:27:57,610 --> 00:28:01,440
We are sailing
517
00:28:01,490 --> 00:28:05,040
We are sailing
518
00:28:05,090 --> 00:28:08,920
Home again
519
00:28:08,970 --> 00:28:12,520
Across the sea
520
00:28:12,570 --> 00:28:19,800
We are sailing stormy waters
521
00:28:19,850 --> 00:28:23,090
To be near you...
522
00:28:23,140 --> 00:28:27,690
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