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1
00:00:10,540 --> 00:00:14,290
OK, Towerblock. Don't take it
personally but I'm going off comms.
2
00:00:14,340 --> 00:00:15,820
RADIO: 'Boss.'
3
00:00:28,100 --> 00:00:29,140
Hello.
4
00:00:33,500 --> 00:00:34,540
GUNSHOTS
5
00:00:35,780 --> 00:00:36,820
GUNSHOT
6
00:00:50,020 --> 00:00:51,060
GUNSHOT
7
00:00:56,820 --> 00:00:57,860
Bloody Hell!
8
00:00:59,780 --> 00:01:04,100
ROCK MUSIC
9
00:01:29,180 --> 00:01:31,610
COMPUTER GAME: 'Get down, soldier.
We need your help.'
10
00:01:31,660 --> 00:01:34,690
Shoot him in the face!
11
00:01:34,740 --> 00:01:36,450
'Nice shooting, private.'
12
00:01:36,500 --> 00:01:38,130
He'll need that looked at.
13
00:01:38,180 --> 00:01:41,770
Hey, guys. Ooh! So what's this?
14
00:01:41,820 --> 00:01:44,250
Crisps.
15
00:01:44,300 --> 00:01:46,850
Oh, the game? Metal Patrol III.
16
00:01:46,900 --> 00:01:47,930
It's brilliant.
17
00:01:47,980 --> 00:01:49,090
Right.
18
00:01:49,140 --> 00:01:51,290
So what, you just run around
and shoot people?
19
00:01:51,340 --> 00:01:52,810
No, more complicated than that.
20
00:01:52,860 --> 00:01:55,450
You have to collect stuff.
21
00:01:55,500 --> 00:01:57,610
Aye, it's running around shooting
people.
22
00:01:57,660 --> 00:01:59,380
Looks pretty easy.
23
00:02:03,020 --> 00:02:06,420
Just saying.
Uh...cos we're soldiers.
24
00:02:09,140 --> 00:02:10,180
It's what we do.
25
00:02:12,140 --> 00:02:15,290
So you're saying that
if someone were shit at this,
26
00:02:15,340 --> 00:02:17,650
that'd mean they were a bad soldier?
27
00:02:17,700 --> 00:02:21,410
No, no. You know,
marksmanship, reflexes...
28
00:02:21,460 --> 00:02:22,770
There's got to be some link.
29
00:02:22,820 --> 00:02:26,690
OK, Mr Reflexes.
Let's see what you're made of.
30
00:02:26,740 --> 00:02:28,450
I don't want to cut in...
31
00:02:28,500 --> 00:02:29,970
REME guy can wait.
32
00:02:30,020 --> 00:02:32,970
Hey, I've got a name.
Sorry. Screwhole can wait.
33
00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:36,420
Thank you.
And Rocket's banned. He's too good.
34
00:02:37,580 --> 00:02:38,620
So...
35
00:02:41,140 --> 00:02:42,180
All right!
36
00:02:44,020 --> 00:02:45,090
You ready, skip?
37
00:02:45,140 --> 00:02:47,450
Ooh, born ready.
Vigilant. Always.
38
00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:48,690
It's started. Right. Shhh.
39
00:02:48,740 --> 00:02:52,490
COMPUTER GAME: 'OK, let's get over
that ridge and kick some ass!' Ooh wait, wait, wait.
40
00:02:52,540 --> 00:02:54,890
Are we on the same team or
playing against each other?
41
00:02:54,940 --> 00:02:57,010
'Mission failed!' What? No!
42
00:02:57,060 --> 00:02:59,170
Against each other. He's Taliban.
43
00:02:59,220 --> 00:03:02,690
Right. Fuck's sake. Go again!
44
00:03:02,740 --> 00:03:07,500
'OK, let's get over that ridge
and kick some ass!' Yeeeeeaaaah! Death or glory!
45
00:03:09,580 --> 00:03:11,370
'Mission failed.'
46
00:03:11,420 --> 00:03:13,130
Death. Screwhole's turn.
47
00:03:13,180 --> 00:03:15,210
No, bollocks to him! Go on!
48
00:03:15,260 --> 00:03:19,700
'OK, let's get over that ridge
and kick some ass!'
49
00:03:23,740 --> 00:03:26,250
Nicholas Medhurst.
How are things with you?
50
00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:31,170
Yeah, good. Nearly got shot.
Simon saved my life again.
51
00:03:31,220 --> 00:03:34,650
No biggy. Wow! Are you OK?
52
00:03:34,700 --> 00:03:37,130
Yeah, I'm pretty much repressing it.
Nick?
53
00:03:37,180 --> 00:03:39,330
I know it's going to
come back to haunt my nightmares
54
00:03:39,380 --> 00:03:42,010
in a year or two but I'm just going
to make light of it until then.
55
00:03:42,060 --> 00:03:43,970
Nick, seriously, you don't sound OK.
56
00:03:44,020 --> 00:03:49,730
No, I do have some residual tension.
Some unrelieved residual tension.
57
00:03:49,780 --> 00:03:51,450
I'm not sure
I like where this is going.
58
00:03:51,500 --> 00:03:52,930
Where do you think this is going?
59
00:03:52,980 --> 00:03:58,330
I think you're probably going to
ask for a hand job or something.
60
00:03:58,380 --> 00:04:00,850
Before I choose,
what's the something?
61
00:04:00,900 --> 00:04:03,050
Do you know, I do actually
quite like my job.
62
00:04:03,100 --> 00:04:06,050
So I'm not going to throw it away
so I can touch your penis.
63
00:04:06,100 --> 00:04:10,290
OK, OK, I'm sorry.
64
00:04:10,340 --> 00:04:15,260
OK? I did nearly die in a big
pipe this morning. OK.
65
00:04:17,260 --> 00:04:19,250
How are you feeling?
66
00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:21,260
I could really use a hand job.
67
00:04:23,100 --> 00:04:26,370
You brought it up!
68
00:04:26,420 --> 00:04:28,020
Oof! Oh!
69
00:04:33,420 --> 00:04:35,980
What a lovely way to unwind
after some war.
70
00:04:39,180 --> 00:04:42,170
Stupid, stupid game.
71
00:04:42,220 --> 00:04:43,970
Do you fancy a brew?
72
00:04:44,020 --> 00:04:46,890
Boss, if you want me to make
a brew for you, you can just ask,
73
00:04:46,940 --> 00:04:48,850
instead of dressing it
up like a Rupert.
74
00:04:48,900 --> 00:04:52,850
Cool! Brew please.
I'm off to the ammo store.
75
00:04:52,900 --> 00:04:56,090
I am sick of being given
the run-around by officers.
76
00:04:56,140 --> 00:04:59,370
I mean, how do Ruperts get you to
agree to do everything for 'em?
77
00:04:59,420 --> 00:05:04,060
Intelligence? A winning smile?
The basic chain of command?
78
00:05:10,420 --> 00:05:12,050
Courtesy of Towerblock.
79
00:05:12,100 --> 00:05:13,650
I presume he spat in it.
80
00:05:13,700 --> 00:05:15,130
Probably.
81
00:05:15,180 --> 00:05:17,970
Oi. Oi. Oi, Bird, Bird.
82
00:05:18,020 --> 00:05:19,610
I want to talk to you about Mary.
83
00:05:19,660 --> 00:05:22,010
Do you mean you're going to
crap on about Mary
84
00:05:22,060 --> 00:05:23,370
while I pretend to listen?
85
00:05:23,420 --> 00:05:27,970
She basically offered me a hand job,
and then didn't give me a hand job.
86
00:05:28,020 --> 00:05:30,570
Yeah, I expect that's exactly
what happened.
87
00:05:30,620 --> 00:05:32,810
I still haven't had sexual
intercourse with her.
88
00:05:32,860 --> 00:05:33,850
What am I going to do?
89
00:05:33,900 --> 00:05:37,050
Mmm. OK. New idea. Try...
90
00:05:37,100 --> 00:05:39,290
Stop fucking going on about it!
91
00:05:39,340 --> 00:05:41,690
What? "Oh, Mary won't sleep with me.
92
00:05:41,740 --> 00:05:42,930
"Do you think she likes me?
93
00:05:42,980 --> 00:05:45,890
"Was she checking me out
when I had my top off?"
94
00:05:45,940 --> 00:05:48,420
Boss. Please. Fuck her, or fuck off!
95
00:05:51,380 --> 00:05:53,260
Well, in fairness, I am trying to.
96
00:05:59,900 --> 00:06:01,850
Corporal House.
97
00:06:01,900 --> 00:06:05,210
Sir. How's the new Land Rover?
That's the 1.5, isn't it?
98
00:06:05,260 --> 00:06:07,450
Yes. It's a classic.
99
00:06:07,500 --> 00:06:10,170
Shame it's not wired for sound
but you can't have everything.
100
00:06:10,220 --> 00:06:12,250
It gets me from A to...just next to
A.
101
00:06:12,300 --> 00:06:16,290
So I don't really need,
say...an iPod dock.
102
00:06:16,340 --> 00:06:18,330
Well, you could easily fit one.
Really? Yeah.
103
00:06:18,380 --> 00:06:21,450
It's the sort of thing that REME'd
say is beyond their capability
104
00:06:21,500 --> 00:06:25,050
but you know what they're like.
No. No, I won't hear of it, I'm sure you're far too busy.
105
00:06:25,100 --> 00:06:28,170
Honestly, sir. Two-hour job tops.
106
00:06:28,220 --> 00:06:33,530
Well. If you're absolutely
determined... Carry on!
107
00:06:33,580 --> 00:06:36,490
I'm wired for sound...
108
00:06:36,540 --> 00:06:38,330
KNOCK ON DOOR
109
00:06:38,380 --> 00:06:41,170
Afternoon, Padre.
Everything all right?
110
00:06:41,220 --> 00:06:43,410
Hi, Bird. Fine. Yeah, and you?
111
00:06:43,460 --> 00:06:46,930
Can I ask you a question?
About the Bible.
112
00:06:46,980 --> 00:06:48,290
Go on.
113
00:06:48,340 --> 00:06:50,770
What does the Bible
teach about hand jobs?
114
00:06:50,820 --> 00:06:53,010
What!
Ah, OK, you've been talking to Nick.
115
00:06:53,060 --> 00:06:56,170
When do you think he's going to stop
trying to have sex with me?
116
00:06:56,220 --> 00:06:58,490
Directly after you've had
sex with him.
117
00:06:58,540 --> 00:07:01,650
That's very funny. Right, Nick's
permanent hard-on for you is
118
00:07:01,700 --> 00:07:03,490
because of your unavailability.
119
00:07:03,540 --> 00:07:06,370
So it's not because of my looks
or my personality? Doubt it.
120
00:07:06,420 --> 00:07:10,370
So, why don't you just cut to the
chase, and fuck him.
121
00:07:10,420 --> 00:07:13,090
I'm not going to...er,
have sex with him,
122
00:07:13,140 --> 00:07:15,210
just to stop him
trying to have sex with me.
123
00:07:15,260 --> 00:07:18,690
What,
so you don't fancy Nick at all?
124
00:07:18,740 --> 00:07:20,610
I wouldn't say not at all.
125
00:07:20,660 --> 00:07:22,770
I fancy him a little bit.
126
00:07:22,820 --> 00:07:26,770
Really? God. I am genuinely shocked.
127
00:07:26,820 --> 00:07:28,970
A very little bit
and I'm not going there.
128
00:07:29,020 --> 00:07:33,090
OK, to be honest, if you
were to come on to Nick in any way,
129
00:07:33,140 --> 00:07:36,370
he would probably run a mile.
Seriously.
130
00:07:36,420 --> 00:07:37,450
No. Really?
131
00:07:37,500 --> 00:07:39,930
Mmm-hmm. Do you think?
But then what if he doesn't?
132
00:07:39,980 --> 00:07:42,330
Because I don't know
if I could do that.
133
00:07:42,380 --> 00:07:45,410
But then if it worked.... Surely
it's not that simple. Or is it?
134
00:07:45,460 --> 00:07:47,770
Maybe it is. Do you know the term
"internal monologue"?
135
00:07:47,820 --> 00:07:50,300
What? Oh! Yes, sorry!
136
00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:56,940
DRUM'N'BASS MUSIC
137
00:07:58,620 --> 00:08:04,810
Whoop! For the streets, for the
kids, for the crew! Towerblock.
138
00:08:04,860 --> 00:08:07,250
What? Fancy
a game of Metal Patrol III?
139
00:08:07,300 --> 00:08:10,410
You're never going to beat Mac.
And I'm busy anyway.
140
00:08:10,460 --> 00:08:13,450
What are you doing? Just allying up
the Colonel's Land Rover.
141
00:08:13,500 --> 00:08:15,610
We've all been there. You what?
142
00:08:15,660 --> 00:08:18,010
Let me guess,
he didn't actually ask you outright.
143
00:08:18,060 --> 00:08:22,490
No, but I...I like messing
around with cars.
144
00:08:22,540 --> 00:08:25,570
Oh, bloody hell!
145
00:08:25,620 --> 00:08:29,370
I've been given the run-around
again? Yes. He knows everyone's weak spot.
146
00:08:29,420 --> 00:08:31,530
He had me making goat's cheese.
147
00:08:31,580 --> 00:08:35,530
Right, well, in that case,
this can all come out again.
148
00:08:35,580 --> 00:08:38,380
Yeah, that's what happened to the
goat's cheese.
149
00:08:46,580 --> 00:08:49,450
KNOCK ON DOOR
150
00:08:49,500 --> 00:08:50,540
Hi, Nick.
151
00:08:53,420 --> 00:08:54,650
Hot, isn't it?
152
00:08:54,700 --> 00:08:56,530
Quite mild, actually.
153
00:08:56,580 --> 00:08:59,740
Well. I think it's almost, um,
too hot.
154
00:09:02,060 --> 00:09:04,290
Ooh, hello.
155
00:09:04,340 --> 00:09:07,330
Mary, are you... Shhhhhh!
156
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:09,300
You don't talk. I talk.
157
00:09:10,740 --> 00:09:12,970
There's something
I want from you, Nick.
158
00:09:13,020 --> 00:09:15,730
Something I've
wanted for a long time.
159
00:09:15,780 --> 00:09:17,490
I'm not coming to church.
160
00:09:17,540 --> 00:09:20,650
I don't want you to come to church,
Nick.
161
00:09:20,700 --> 00:09:24,100
Well, I do want you to come to
church, just not now.
162
00:09:25,740 --> 00:09:29,090
I'm a woman. You're a man.
163
00:09:29,140 --> 00:09:30,730
Looking at a woman.
164
00:09:30,780 --> 00:09:34,450
Who's looking at a man. Mmm.
165
00:09:34,500 --> 00:09:37,930
So you're saying that
we're looking at each other.
166
00:09:37,980 --> 00:09:39,130
Yes.
167
00:09:39,180 --> 00:09:41,090
Yeah.
168
00:09:41,140 --> 00:09:43,170
Do you like what you see?
169
00:09:43,220 --> 00:09:45,010
I do.
170
00:09:45,060 --> 00:09:48,330
Then take me, Nick. Take me now.
171
00:09:48,380 --> 00:09:50,370
I'm all yours.
172
00:09:50,420 --> 00:09:51,410
Really?
173
00:09:51,460 --> 00:09:55,890
Yeah. You and me.
Sexy times. Right here. Right now.
174
00:09:55,940 --> 00:09:57,450
Come on. Sexy times?
175
00:09:57,500 --> 00:09:59,090
Chop, chop! Chop chop?
176
00:09:59,140 --> 00:10:01,850
Let's have the sex you keep
going on about.
177
00:10:01,900 --> 00:10:04,570
Yeah, I'm going to go back to
"really"?
178
00:10:04,620 --> 00:10:07,250
Come on, Mary, what is it about this
whole scenario
179
00:10:07,300 --> 00:10:08,890
that doesn't quite ring true?
180
00:10:08,940 --> 00:10:09,970
Uh...
181
00:10:10,020 --> 00:10:12,970
Oh, yeah, I know what it is.
The whole scenario.
182
00:10:13,020 --> 00:10:16,490
After the way you've described me.
To my face.
183
00:10:16,540 --> 00:10:17,690
Sex pest.
184
00:10:17,740 --> 00:10:19,170
Just forget about all that.
185
00:10:19,220 --> 00:10:21,010
Walking erection. Yes, all right.
186
00:10:21,060 --> 00:10:24,090
Spurting jizz monkey.
187
00:10:24,140 --> 00:10:25,690
Nope, you're right. That was Bird.
188
00:10:25,740 --> 00:10:29,450
But you know the first thing
they teach you at ATO school?
189
00:10:29,500 --> 00:10:32,650
It's to look for the presence
of the abnormal.
190
00:10:32,700 --> 00:10:37,570
And there is nothing more abnormal
than YOU
191
00:10:37,620 --> 00:10:39,970
doing this.
192
00:10:40,020 --> 00:10:43,530
So if you don't mind - no, thanks.
193
00:10:43,580 --> 00:10:45,130
You are kidding, right?
194
00:10:45,180 --> 00:10:47,170
I just don't like the atmospherics.
195
00:10:47,220 --> 00:10:50,970
Fine. Well, you had your chance.
196
00:10:51,020 --> 00:10:53,780
I'm not sure I did.
197
00:11:05,020 --> 00:11:08,650
Yes, come on.
Die you little fucker!
198
00:11:08,700 --> 00:11:11,250
Shit, shit, shit... Yes!
199
00:11:11,300 --> 00:11:12,850
'Nice shooting, private.'
200
00:11:12,900 --> 00:11:15,130
Rocket launcher... oh!
201
00:11:15,180 --> 00:11:17,610
A rocket launcher at that range?
The blast'll kill you.
202
00:11:17,660 --> 00:11:22,330
Sir? Up late, Corporal. Not like you
to be playing silly games.
203
00:11:22,380 --> 00:11:26,850
The, er, game...will
develop...skills?
204
00:11:26,900 --> 00:11:30,130
Whatever. Let's shoot some grunts.
205
00:11:30,180 --> 00:11:33,810
Sir. Er, the Allies, er,
or the Taliban?
206
00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:35,980
Ooh, Taliban!
207
00:11:39,220 --> 00:11:41,370
And, er, away we go.
208
00:11:41,420 --> 00:11:44,850
'Clear the village
and head up the valley.'
209
00:11:44,900 --> 00:11:48,420
'The village is full of Taliban.
Be on guard!'
210
00:11:52,300 --> 00:11:53,420
'Mission failed!'
211
00:11:55,380 --> 00:11:59,060
So. Turns out you CAN use a rocket
launcher from that range.
212
00:12:00,860 --> 00:12:01,900
Ah, well.
213
00:12:11,460 --> 00:12:13,690
Search team nearly done, boss.
214
00:12:13,740 --> 00:12:16,250
Thank you, Sergeant Hogg.
Oi, Simon. You all right?
215
00:12:16,300 --> 00:12:18,170
You look fucked.
Yeah, I'm all right. OK.
216
00:12:18,220 --> 00:12:20,330
Have you been up all night?
217
00:12:20,380 --> 00:12:25,890
Maybe. Although, I did finally
complete the bomb factory level.
218
00:12:25,940 --> 00:12:28,850
The big bomb factory in the city?
219
00:12:28,900 --> 00:12:30,490
There's a city? What?
220
00:12:30,540 --> 00:12:32,730
Ha-ha! He knows nothing.
221
00:12:32,780 --> 00:12:37,130
Yeah, well, we'll see how much
I know when I fuck you up.
222
00:12:37,180 --> 00:12:40,090
In the game. Sorry.
223
00:12:40,140 --> 00:12:43,260
Oi, Bird. A word.
224
00:12:47,460 --> 00:12:49,650
You know Mary...
225
00:12:49,700 --> 00:12:52,580
She's being very weird.
226
00:12:53,780 --> 00:12:57,050
Seriously. Last night,
she threw herself at me.
227
00:12:57,100 --> 00:13:00,210
She came into my quarters
and she demanded "sexy times".
228
00:13:00,260 --> 00:13:04,090
I mean, what does she want, Bird?
Presumably she wants...sexy times.
229
00:13:04,140 --> 00:13:05,210
Oh, come on.
230
00:13:05,260 --> 00:13:07,170
I'm the editor of the Sexy Times.
231
00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:10,010
I think if she was interested,
she would have subscribed by now.
232
00:13:10,060 --> 00:13:14,050
Well, she did finally admit
she fancies you. What?
233
00:13:14,100 --> 00:13:15,930
OK, all yours, boss.
234
00:13:15,980 --> 00:13:20,090
Wait! When was this? Yesterday.
And you didn't tell me immediately?
235
00:13:20,140 --> 00:13:23,450
Well, it's not like you need extra
encouragement to pester her for a shag, is it?
236
00:13:23,500 --> 00:13:27,060
So last night...that was my chance?
237
00:13:30,540 --> 00:13:32,330
Shit!
238
00:13:32,380 --> 00:13:34,210
Fuck!
239
00:13:34,260 --> 00:13:36,650
Boss? All right!
240
00:13:36,700 --> 00:13:41,970
If I get blown up down there having
not shagged Mary, I'm going to be...
241
00:13:42,020 --> 00:13:43,380
..really annoyed.
242
00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:59,690
Right, I've got some serious
pastoral...shagging to discuss.
243
00:13:59,740 --> 00:14:01,050
S'later.
244
00:14:01,100 --> 00:14:03,690
Yes, boss.
And hope you get "past oral".
245
00:14:03,740 --> 00:14:07,730
So. Metal Patrol? Are you ready?
246
00:14:07,780 --> 00:14:10,210
Or do you need a few more
weeks' practice?
247
00:14:10,260 --> 00:14:15,250
Oh, I am as ready...as...
an oven-ready chicken.
248
00:14:15,300 --> 00:14:18,580
Plucked, giblets out.
249
00:14:19,700 --> 00:14:22,980
And this isn't giving the effect
I was going for. Let's go!
250
00:14:27,660 --> 00:14:29,050
Corporal.
251
00:14:29,100 --> 00:14:30,130
Sir.
252
00:14:30,180 --> 00:14:32,930
So the iPod dock was a no-no,
then? Shame.
253
00:14:32,980 --> 00:14:36,330
Yeah, well I'm sorry, sir. I've just
had enough of being given...
254
00:14:36,380 --> 00:14:39,050
I mean, I er...
I didn't have enough time.
255
00:14:39,100 --> 00:14:40,610
Mmm. Probably for the best.
256
00:14:40,660 --> 00:14:44,170
REME were livid about you pissing
on their patch, to be honest.
257
00:14:44,220 --> 00:14:45,210
Well, with respect sir,
258
00:14:45,260 --> 00:14:47,570
I wouldn't let those
nut fuckers near my lawn mower.
259
00:14:47,620 --> 00:14:50,250
They reckon a decent stereo
system's impossible, anyway.
260
00:14:50,300 --> 00:14:51,340
REME said that?
261
00:14:52,780 --> 00:14:55,050
Honestly, sir, that is just typical
of those utter...
262
00:14:55,100 --> 00:14:57,290
But they are keen to install
a few safety features.
263
00:14:57,340 --> 00:14:59,290
Roll-bars. That sort of thing.
264
00:14:59,340 --> 00:15:02,090
Reckon they can do them
within a fortnight.
265
00:15:02,140 --> 00:15:05,210
A fortnight?
You could do that in an afternoon.
266
00:15:05,260 --> 00:15:07,050
Well, REME don't seem to think so.
267
00:15:07,100 --> 00:15:09,090
You must have a gift for this
sort of thing.
268
00:15:09,140 --> 00:15:12,970
Such a shame you don't have the
time. Oh, well.
269
00:15:13,020 --> 00:15:14,060
Carry on.
270
00:15:18,220 --> 00:15:21,820
Oh, hi, Nick. Hi, Mary.
So, how was the...
271
00:15:23,460 --> 00:15:25,730
Wait! Hang on,
this isn't what I wanted!
272
00:15:25,780 --> 00:15:28,530
Isn't it? No! A little bird tell me
it IS what you want.
273
00:15:28,580 --> 00:15:30,410
Actually, Bird tells me
it's what you want.
274
00:15:30,460 --> 00:15:32,210
Yes, because I want it to stop!
275
00:15:32,260 --> 00:15:33,330
Do you fancy me or not?
276
00:15:33,380 --> 00:15:36,570
Of course I fancy you!
You're hot, you're tall, you look good in uniform
277
00:15:36,620 --> 00:15:40,250
and you're incredibly brave.
Wow! I fancy me now. Oh, you've always fancied you.
278
00:15:40,300 --> 00:15:44,450
Well, I'm sure I can find room in my
heart for both of us. No! Stop.
279
00:15:44,500 --> 00:15:47,530
Bird said if I came on to you you'd
run a mile! She what?
280
00:15:47,580 --> 00:15:49,050
She's trying to push us together!
281
00:15:49,100 --> 00:15:50,650
Well, good old Bird, eh?
282
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:52,410
No. Bad. Bad old Bird.
283
00:15:52,460 --> 00:15:55,300
Are you sure?
Because I thought that this bit...
284
00:15:59,540 --> 00:16:01,570
..was very nice indeed.
285
00:16:01,620 --> 00:16:04,060
Stop that. Where is she?
286
00:16:06,540 --> 00:16:08,730
I'm going to give her a serious
talking to.
287
00:16:08,780 --> 00:16:12,170
Like she'll give a shit.
Look, we should actually do something to get back at her.
288
00:16:12,220 --> 00:16:14,330
Ger our revenge properly.
Keep talking.
289
00:16:14,380 --> 00:16:17,050
OK. So what would piss
Bird off more than anything else?
290
00:16:17,100 --> 00:16:18,690
I've often wondered that.
291
00:16:18,740 --> 00:16:20,690
We should actually sleep together.
292
00:16:20,740 --> 00:16:22,730
No. We need to teach her a lesson.
293
00:16:22,780 --> 00:16:25,130
Yes, by actually sleeping together!
294
00:16:25,180 --> 00:16:27,890
Look, Nick. I promise
you that is not on the table.
295
00:16:27,940 --> 00:16:29,540
OK. We won't do it on a table.
296
00:16:32,620 --> 00:16:35,090
What if we act all
lovey-dovey in front of her?
297
00:16:35,140 --> 00:16:36,130
She'll hate that.
298
00:16:36,180 --> 00:16:38,090
Hmm. S'pose. Let's do it.
299
00:16:38,140 --> 00:16:39,890
By "it",
I hope you mean sexy times?
300
00:16:39,940 --> 00:16:42,130
Again, no.
301
00:16:42,180 --> 00:16:43,890
OK. Well, if you change your mind.
302
00:16:43,940 --> 00:16:47,900
I'm hot, tall, look good in uniform
and I'm incredibly brave.
303
00:16:50,660 --> 00:16:53,250
Show yourself, you bastard!
304
00:16:53,300 --> 00:16:57,370
Come and get me! Yoo-hoo!
305
00:16:57,420 --> 00:17:00,610
Wow! You's been playing
that for two hours.
306
00:17:00,660 --> 00:17:02,410
Who are you, my mum?
307
00:17:02,460 --> 00:17:04,780
Keep it covered!
308
00:17:05,780 --> 00:17:08,570
Die, fuck face!
309
00:17:08,620 --> 00:17:09,610
Daaaar!
310
00:17:09,660 --> 00:17:11,370
Yes!
311
00:17:11,420 --> 00:17:13,490
'Nice shooting, private!'
312
00:17:13,540 --> 00:17:16,370
You snooze, you lose. Woooah!
313
00:17:16,420 --> 00:17:19,210
So who's the best
at Metal Patrol III, eh?
314
00:17:19,260 --> 00:17:21,050
I am.
315
00:17:21,100 --> 00:17:24,540
Er, skip. Rocket's still the best.
316
00:17:25,860 --> 00:17:28,970
If you want to be the best,
you gotta beat him.
317
00:17:29,020 --> 00:17:32,050
Well, I'll need a kip first,
but after that...
318
00:17:32,100 --> 00:17:35,450
Chicken! Cluck, cluck, cluck!
319
00:17:35,500 --> 00:17:38,100
Fine! Fine! Fine. Come on!
320
00:17:41,140 --> 00:17:43,250
Want another square of chocolate,
big bear?
321
00:17:43,300 --> 00:17:46,260
I'd love one, snugglebums.
322
00:17:48,020 --> 00:17:51,210
Mmm. Mmm.
323
00:17:51,260 --> 00:17:53,890
Hey,
so what - are you two together now?
324
00:17:53,940 --> 00:17:56,170
Yep. Is that really so hard to
believe?
325
00:17:56,220 --> 00:17:59,810
Well, A: he's way out
of your league.
326
00:17:59,860 --> 00:18:03,810
Thanks, Bird. And B: I'm supposed to
believe that this is how you,
327
00:18:03,860 --> 00:18:06,650
Nick Medhurst, behave
when you're in a relationship?
328
00:18:06,700 --> 00:18:07,690
Yeah, it is.
329
00:18:07,740 --> 00:18:10,890
When I'm with my...
330
00:18:10,940 --> 00:18:12,730
..schnookums.
331
00:18:12,780 --> 00:18:18,050
Ah! You two are rubbish at this.
So unconvincing.
332
00:18:18,100 --> 00:18:19,540
All right, see you later.
333
00:18:21,420 --> 00:18:22,460
Rubbish.
334
00:18:25,100 --> 00:18:26,140
Well, we tried.
335
00:18:32,220 --> 00:18:35,020
She's gone. Sorry.
336
00:18:50,300 --> 00:18:52,980
COMPUTER GAME GUNFIRE
337
00:18:55,060 --> 00:18:58,410
'Mission accomplished, soldier.'
338
00:18:58,460 --> 00:19:03,690
Yes! Yes! Yes!
In your stupid Scottish face!
339
00:19:03,740 --> 00:19:07,330
Aye, well played, skip. Good game.
340
00:19:07,380 --> 00:19:08,770
You said I couldn't win!
341
00:19:08,820 --> 00:19:12,690
Well, fuck you, Mac,
fuck you, Rocket,
342
00:19:12,740 --> 00:19:16,330
and fuck all those guys over there.
343
00:19:16,380 --> 00:19:17,660
Sh!
344
00:19:22,940 --> 00:19:25,730
I think I need to sit down.
345
00:19:25,780 --> 00:19:26,820
Rest the eyes.
346
00:19:32,260 --> 00:19:33,500
Not today, thank you.
347
00:19:35,620 --> 00:19:37,170
I thought I was pretty convincing.
348
00:19:37,220 --> 00:19:39,930
You totally over-egged it.
Schnookums?
349
00:19:39,980 --> 00:19:43,770
You called me big bear.
Well, you're extremely tall! I was working with what I got.
350
00:19:43,820 --> 00:19:47,290
What are we going to do about
our revenge for being messed about? What about that?
351
00:19:47,340 --> 00:19:51,210
She's only going to believe it
if she walks in on us. OK, OK. So we get someone to send her over
352
00:19:51,260 --> 00:19:53,050
and then we're
snogging as she walks in.
353
00:19:53,100 --> 00:19:54,850
No. It's not enough.
354
00:19:54,900 --> 00:19:56,930
She has to walk in on us having sex.
355
00:19:56,980 --> 00:19:59,370
Nick...
Pretending to have sex. Obviously.
356
00:19:59,420 --> 00:20:02,090
I don't think that's
a brilliant idea.
357
00:20:02,140 --> 00:20:07,170
OK. Look. She finds us over here,
right? But she can't quite see what's going on properly
358
00:20:07,220 --> 00:20:09,730
because of the mosquito nets.
No, that's not believable.
359
00:20:09,780 --> 00:20:13,900
Eh? Well, the bed's not strong
enough. Think about the repeated up-and-down motion.
360
00:20:15,620 --> 00:20:17,250
Or...we could, you know,
361
00:20:17,300 --> 00:20:21,090
go at it more gently,
you know, like a kind of slow...
362
00:20:21,140 --> 00:20:25,210
Yeah, but we're trying to convince
her that we're in the early stages of our relationship, right?
363
00:20:25,260 --> 00:20:29,970
So we'd go at it pretty fast and
hard, don't you think? Yeah. Yeah, that's...probably more believable.
364
00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:33,050
Yeah, I mean REALLY go to
town on each other.
365
00:20:33,100 --> 00:20:36,570
Mmm.
I don't even think we'd use the bed.
366
00:20:36,620 --> 00:20:38,170
This is solid, right?
367
00:20:38,220 --> 00:20:41,650
Ooh.
There's only one way to find out.
368
00:20:41,700 --> 00:20:45,970
Go on, lift me up.
Or do you need a diagram?
369
00:20:46,020 --> 00:20:47,060
Ooh! Ah.
370
00:20:49,340 --> 00:20:50,810
Is that...is that believable?
371
00:20:50,860 --> 00:20:52,210
Feels pretty believable to me.
372
00:20:52,260 --> 00:20:55,250
Yeah, I think that works. Yup.
373
00:20:55,300 --> 00:20:58,090
It doesn't give you much movement,
though. Probably enough.
374
00:20:58,140 --> 00:21:01,690
Yeah, but she'd expect you to
be more in control.
375
00:21:01,740 --> 00:21:02,980
Wouldn't you just...
376
00:21:05,100 --> 00:21:06,500
..bend me over the desk?
377
00:21:07,820 --> 00:21:10,130
I might be too tall.
378
00:21:10,180 --> 00:21:11,410
Have you got any heels?
379
00:21:11,460 --> 00:21:15,180
Uh, bit dressy for Afghan, I find.
Come on!
380
00:21:18,660 --> 00:21:20,570
Mmm.
381
00:21:20,620 --> 00:21:22,460
Ah...yep.
382
00:21:23,780 --> 00:21:26,580
Mmmm. Nick.
383
00:21:38,980 --> 00:21:43,010
Careful, Rocket. Careful!
384
00:21:43,060 --> 00:21:45,260
It's like Buckaroo.
I loved Buckaroo.
385
00:21:46,340 --> 00:21:47,580
And Hungry Hippos.
386
00:21:49,060 --> 00:21:51,410
Let's put plastic
balls in his mouth.
387
00:21:51,460 --> 00:21:54,370
Or real ones.
388
00:21:54,420 --> 00:21:55,450
Where's Nick?
389
00:21:55,500 --> 00:21:58,700
Reports just came back from the
WISWO on that device. WISWO! Sh!
390
00:22:00,660 --> 00:22:04,450
Nice job! Cheers. I think Nick
went to see the Padre.
391
00:22:04,500 --> 00:22:05,730
Course he did.
392
00:22:05,780 --> 00:22:08,810
God, I wish they'd just fuck
each other and get it over with.
393
00:22:08,860 --> 00:22:10,770
It's too painful.
394
00:22:10,820 --> 00:22:13,980
LUSTFUL PANTING
395
00:22:15,660 --> 00:22:16,700
Oh!
396
00:22:34,020 --> 00:22:35,060
Ah!
397
00:22:38,340 --> 00:22:42,570
Wait. Weren't we meant to get Bird
to walk in on us?
398
00:22:42,620 --> 00:22:45,020
Yeah. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
399
00:22:47,980 --> 00:22:51,490
Oh, Nick. This was not a good idea.
400
00:22:51,540 --> 00:22:53,660
Knock, knock! Wait! Wait!
401
00:23:01,060 --> 00:23:03,770
Right, if you two are going to try
and convince me of something,
402
00:23:03,820 --> 00:23:06,530
it has to be plausible.
403
00:23:06,580 --> 00:23:12,810
So what, you just had sexy times on
the desk in the middle of the afternoon?
404
00:23:12,860 --> 00:23:16,410
Anyway, WIS report.
405
00:23:16,460 --> 00:23:19,900
Aw, look, you've chucked
books on the floor and everything.
406
00:23:21,260 --> 00:23:23,370
All that effort wasted.
407
00:23:23,420 --> 00:23:25,490
Yeah, I can't believe
we thought that would work.
408
00:23:25,540 --> 00:23:27,250
No. Yeah. Totally unbelievable.
409
00:23:27,300 --> 00:23:30,450
Better luck next time, losers.
410
00:23:30,500 --> 00:23:31,900
RUBBISH!
411
00:23:43,060 --> 00:23:45,220
HE MUMBLES
412
00:24:04,780 --> 00:24:05,820
Har-har!
413
00:24:18,060 --> 00:24:22,500
Tank! Tank!
Shotgun, rifle, launcher!
414
00:24:28,180 --> 00:24:29,580
Taaa-pow!
415
00:24:30,980 --> 00:24:33,940
Ah! Game over!
416
00:24:35,740 --> 00:24:37,090
LAUGHTER
417
00:24:37,140 --> 00:24:39,730
Ah, mate! Classic!
418
00:24:39,780 --> 00:24:43,170
What! I need ammo,
I need ammo for the er...
419
00:24:43,220 --> 00:24:44,970
It's a hockey thing.
420
00:24:45,020 --> 00:24:46,290
You were sleepwalking, mate.
421
00:24:46,340 --> 00:24:48,450
You snooze, you lose!
422
00:24:48,500 --> 00:24:49,780
No, I wasn't!
423
00:24:52,060 --> 00:24:54,780
Rematch later? Fuck off!
424
00:25:00,020 --> 00:25:03,490
Ah. Roll-bar. iPod dock.
425
00:25:03,540 --> 00:25:05,050
Cocktail holder!
426
00:25:05,100 --> 00:25:07,370
Coffee holder, sir.
427
00:25:07,420 --> 00:25:08,980
Of course.
428
00:25:11,540 --> 00:25:13,850
DRUM'N'BASS MUSIC
429
00:25:13,900 --> 00:25:14,940
Marvellous.
430
00:25:22,100 --> 00:25:24,370
You, my friend,
have just been played.
431
00:25:24,420 --> 00:25:26,890
No, no, no.
432
00:25:26,940 --> 00:25:32,090
The Colonel THINKS that he's played
me. But actually, I have played him.
433
00:25:32,140 --> 00:25:34,850
You see, I did all that
so I could get one over on REME.
434
00:25:34,900 --> 00:25:36,770
And I fuckin' owned those guys.
435
00:25:36,820 --> 00:25:37,970
Oh, yeah?
436
00:25:38,020 --> 00:25:39,570
Oi! Screwhole!
437
00:25:39,620 --> 00:25:41,410
What? You said it couldn't be done.
438
00:25:41,460 --> 00:25:42,970
Said what couldn't be done?
439
00:25:43,020 --> 00:25:45,930
The roll-bar, the iPod dock,
all that.
440
00:25:45,980 --> 00:25:48,570
What are you talking about?
441
00:25:48,620 --> 00:25:51,580
Well, didn't the...
the Colonel, he...
442
00:25:54,340 --> 00:25:59,050
Oh, fucking hell! Been given
the run-around by a Rupert again.
443
00:25:59,100 --> 00:26:02,490
Oh! Poor innocent Towerblock.
444
00:26:02,540 --> 00:26:08,220
Sometimes, you need to learn to see
what is in front of your own eyes.
445
00:26:10,980 --> 00:26:12,140
Holy shit!
446
00:26:14,220 --> 00:26:16,690
KNOCK ON DOOR
447
00:26:16,740 --> 00:26:20,290
So, nice try, Nick.
448
00:26:20,340 --> 00:26:21,570
Good plan.
449
00:26:21,620 --> 00:26:23,650
Yeah. It's ridiculous,
though, you know.
450
00:26:23,700 --> 00:26:26,610
Me and Mary, totes unbelievable.
451
00:26:26,660 --> 00:26:30,970
One thing, though. If the plan
was for me to walk in on you,
452
00:26:31,020 --> 00:26:34,530
then, why did no-one come
and get me?
453
00:26:34,580 --> 00:26:36,930
I mean, I just happened to come
in with that report.
454
00:26:36,980 --> 00:26:41,410
So either you two were standing
around all afternoon,
455
00:26:41,460 --> 00:26:44,370
looking surprised,
fumbling with your trousers, or...
456
00:26:44,420 --> 00:26:48,370
No, we didn't.
457
00:26:48,420 --> 00:26:50,570
Yes, you did!
458
00:26:50,620 --> 00:26:54,050
I know what people look like... No,
I know what Nick Medhurst looks like
459
00:26:54,100 --> 00:26:55,130
when he's just had sex.
460
00:26:55,180 --> 00:26:57,290
Yes, but Mary wouldn't, would she?
461
00:26:57,340 --> 00:27:02,570
Because she would
lose her job if anyone found out.
462
00:27:02,620 --> 00:27:03,660
So?
463
00:27:05,380 --> 00:27:06,450
What's it worth?
464
00:27:06,500 --> 00:27:09,770
Name your price.
This cannot get out.
465
00:27:09,820 --> 00:27:12,170
OK. I won't tell anyone,
466
00:27:12,220 --> 00:27:15,850
as long as you stop fucking
going on about Mary.
467
00:27:15,900 --> 00:27:18,650
Yep, all right, Bird. The thing is,
I do need your advice, OK,
468
00:27:18,700 --> 00:27:20,780
cos I'm not quite sure how to...
Zip!
469
00:27:22,100 --> 00:27:24,220
Bird, you're the only person... Zip!
470
00:27:27,020 --> 00:27:28,810
All right.
471
00:27:28,860 --> 00:27:34,730
I promise to never, ever discuss Mary
with you ever again,
472
00:27:34,780 --> 00:27:36,890
starting from now, OK?
473
00:27:36,940 --> 00:27:39,010
There. You got what you wanted.
474
00:27:39,060 --> 00:27:40,810
And you got what YOU wanted.
475
00:27:40,860 --> 00:27:43,250
Yeah, I suppose but.
476
00:27:43,300 --> 00:27:47,330
But...what? Was it...bad?
477
00:27:47,380 --> 00:27:49,410
Was she bad?
478
00:27:49,460 --> 00:27:52,330
Oh, Nick! You've got to
tell me everything. Not allowed.
479
00:27:52,380 --> 00:27:57,250
I promised to never, ever, ever
discuss Mary with you, ever again.
480
00:27:57,300 --> 00:27:59,930
Oh, Nick! Zip. Really? Zip!
481
00:27:59,980 --> 00:28:01,100
Bastard!
482
00:28:01,150 --> 00:28:05,700
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