Original subtitles

Dre: Since the dawn of time,

every culture has celebrated the coming of a new baby,

and all those celebrations had one thing in common...

They were ladies-only.

And that was cool with me.

- Ooh! - Hmm?

Leslie and John are having a co-ed baby shower. Look.

So, now I have to go to the shower?

- What? - This is some bull[bleep].

But then...

What in the...

[Crowd chanting "Drink!"]

Tacos and drinking games?!

Yes!

Ooh! Aisha and Ben are having a co-ed baby shower!

We're going!

Oh. Hm.

Liz is having a baby shower.

Mm. Yes, she... is.

Ladies only.

This is some bull[bleep].

Now it's my turn to throw a co-ed shower,

and since this is our last baby,

I'm gonna blow it out with only the most delicious foods,

the best games, and the dopest music.

Oh. Hey. Jazzy Jeff.

Hey, man, I'm gonna need you to deejay a party for me.

All right.

Your loss.

Hey, you got Kid Capri's pager number?

Synced and corrected by johnyd13 ~ www.addic7ed.com ~

Oh, hey, babe. Glad you're awake.

- We have to choose a caterer, all right? - Okay.

Try a slider.

Andre, it's too early.

No, baby, come on. Slide one in.

Ooh!

Do I taste caramelized onions?

- Yes, you do. - [Gasps]

Ooh. I like caramelized onions. Can I try?

- Uh, sorry. - [Trash bin opens]

None left.

Probably wasn't even grass-fed.

- Hey, babe? - Yeah, babe?

Can you promise to keep it low-key?

I got eight weeks to go, and I'm always so sweaty.

Don't worry, Bow.

I will handle everything for the shower.

I think you mean "sprinkle."

What the hell's a sprinkle?

People think it's gauche to have more than one baby shower,

so instead, call it a sprinkle.

It's a light rain instead of a downpour.

I hate you.

Though I'd rather him with his shirt off,

I agree with this handsome piece of work.

A baby shower is just a money grab...

Two grown people begging for cash.

Ruby.

- It's all a scam. - What?

Car seats, safety gates, baby-food makers...

Talking about "The baby can't have solid food."

You give that baby a pork chop,

let him play with the bone as a toy.

[Laughs] Now, that's a shower gift.

Okay, you all do not know what you're talking about.

A shower is not about gifts.

A baby shower means you shower the baby with love.

[Laughter]

Son, you have got to pull yourself together.

You're a grown man.

You need to build a table or something.

[Stifles laugh]

She registered for five kinds of bouncy chairs?

How much bouncing can one baby do?

And what is nipple butter?

Unless it's exactly what it sounds like,

I am in the dark.

Jack: I'm not getting a gift.

The new kid is already going to steal

all of Mom's attention from us.

I'm gonna be the middle child now.

Mm. I heard middle children can get mean.

Hey. Is that your mom's registry?

Oh, look... It's the guy who makes our salads

and doesn't use a hair net.

Very little gets in the salad.

You know, your mom doesn't want you to buy her anything.

Great.

People want a gift from the heart.

Make something.

Like, write the baby a letter welcoming him to the family.

I like the price tag.

Maybe I could knit something.

You don't know how to knit.

So? Things come easy to me.

Why would knitting be the exception?

I love your unwarranted faith in yourself.

What about you, Junior?

I'm gonna give the baby the greatest gift of all...

Support.

That is not Dad's strength,

so I will be a strong male role model

so the baby doesn't have to trek through

the emotional desert that is Andre Johnson.

Or a gift card.

Yeah.

A baby shower is nothing without games,

and a favorite is Name That Candy Diaper.

Yeah, that one looks real. It got nuts in it.

Junior: Oh, yeah. [Sniffs]

I wish I could be surprised by any of this.

Come on, Pops. It's just a shower game.

Look at this.

Chocolate.

A grown man eating out of a diaper.

Ow!

[Cellphone beeps] Why don't Johnson men know how to be gentle?

I will break the cycle.

Bow, I don't mean to brag,

but I am killing it with the baby shower prep.

But I'm just gonna need you to pick up the balloons, though.

- Why can't you do that? - Yeah.

[Horns blaring]

- [Balloon pops] - [Screams]

I think it's better if you did. [Groans]

Hope it's okay... I brought my gift early.

What kind of gift is an old, dingy baby pool?

Oh, not just any baby pool. Bow and I were born in it.

Come on, man. We cook our food here.

Think about it, Bow... water birth.

It's the calmest way for the baby to enter the world.

Plus, you're not exposed to all those germs at the hospital.

You're worried about germs?

Mom and Dad kept this thing outside for years.

Plus, I think our neighbor's cat had kittens in it.

So it has sacred birth energy that transcends species.

[Sighs]

Mnh-mnh.

[Both laugh]

Did you guys finish your letter to the baby?

We haven't exactly started yet.

What's the hurry?

He won't even know how to read for like 10 years.

Well, I thought it was a no-brainer to win some points

before the baby steals your spotlight.

Okay, okay.

We'll get on it.

Uh, "we"?

I think this is more of an "and Jack" situation.

I wait till she's done writing

and then add "and Jack" to the end.

That's my move.

How's the blanket coming?

How's puberty coming?

Diane: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Stay in your lane, Zoey!

Sorry.

Failure is making me mean.

I don't get it. This should be awesome.

I'm awesome.

And yet, it is clearly not awesome.

Hey, Pops.

Hey, Pops, do you mind keeping an eye on the kids?

I'm gonna run Bow to the doctor real quick.

Yeah, I got a headache that won't go away.

I just want to check it out before the shower.

Yeah, we'll be right back.

Oh. And don't let anyone touch these cupcakes.

- I can do that. - Bye.

Feel better, Rainbow. Thank you.

Well, if she comes back soon,

we may have time to swing by

- and pick up a pi?ata for the shower. - [Scoffs]

- Really, Dre? - Hmm?

You learned nothing from Amy's shower?

- [Grunting] - [Guests gasping]

[Shouting]

So... you know that face the flight attendant makes

when something's not right but they can't tell you what?

That's the face Bow's doctor had

when she walked through that door.

Well, Rainbow, I'm glad you came in.

Oh, my God. Dre.

It's okay, babe.

Instead of a baby shower,

Bow got an I.V. full of drugs.

Turns out her headache and high blood pressure

were symptoms of a very serious condition called preeclampsia.

I don't understand how preeclampsia

can just come out of the blue.

You don't think this happened because I put too much stress on you

with all this stupid shower prep?

No, Dre. That's not how preeclampsia works.

They don't know what causes it, but it's not related to stress.

It has been linked...

[Sighs]

to the age of the mother.

Oh, that makes sense.

- [Door opens] - You are pretty old.

- [Door closes] Very funny. - Yeah.

- So? - So, I'm afraid

the drugs aren't bringing down your blood pressure.

I think we may have to induce.

- What? Why? - Oh, my God.

Because the only thing that's going to help now

is delivering the baby.

- Bu... W-W-W... Now? - Yeah.

He's not due for another two months.

Dre, it's okay. It's gonna be fine.

We deliver babies early all the time at this hospital.

It's totally fine, so let's just...

Get this little [Bleep] out! [Chuckles nervously]

I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm trying to stay positive, okay?

- Okay, baby. - I overshot it a little bit.

- All right, I'll be back soon, okay? - Okay.

- Babe, induce? - Huh?

- It's fine. - We... We've never done that before.

Dre, it's gonna be okay.

This is a great hospital,

and Dr. Aziz knows what she's doing.

All right, look, you know what?

I'm gonna call Pops and tell him what's going on.

Hey. Pops.

All right, I-I'm gonna need you to, uh,

stay calm and act normal.

Don't try to tell me how to live, boy!

Look, Pops, Bow has something called preeclampsia,

which means the baby has to be delivered today,

so I'm gonna need you to keep the kids busy, all right?

You know, I don't want to scare them.

I can do that.

That was your daddy.

He wanted me to pretend that everything is okay,

but it's not.

Your mama has a serious medical condition.

Hey, man, is there a vending machine...

- Oh, yeah... - What the hell?!

- Uh... - Pops?

I said it was a secret.

Son, the only person I can lie to is your mother.

It's true.

- Is Mom okay? - Can we see her?

What about the baby?

Dre: Everything is okay.

Your mother has a condition,

which means it's best to have the baby now.

So, you guys hold tight

and get ready to meet your new brother.

Okay. All right?

Hey, Pops, let me talk to you for a second. Hey.

Can you take the kids to the, uh, gift shop?

You know, distract them for a while.

I can do that.

Come on, let's hit the gift shop

so I can distract you from these terrifying developments

that you're entirely too young to process.

Come on, come on, come on. Let's go.

What is he... D-Don't worry about it.

Your mom's okay. Everything's okay.

Buy her a good gift at the gift shop.

All right? Her and your brother.

Charles.

Diane.

I knew I felt a cold presence.

Dre: Charlie?

What are you doing here?

My mother... She's on her last legs.

Oh, man.

I'm sorry to hear that, bro.

It's okay.

She lived through the turn of two centuries...

The dawn of flight and the death of Circuit City.

- She had a good life. - Mm.

She still would be fine

if it wasn't for that shark attack.

Why did I think a bathtub shark was a good gift?

Why?

That is a tough question to answer.

What about you? What brings you in?

Bow's having some complications,

so the baby has to be born today.

That's great!

[Gasps]

I mean, not... not the part about the complications,

but if your baby's born when my mother dies,

then my mother's soul goes into your baby.

It's just basic soul math.

Is it?

Brush up on your spiritual arithmetic, Dre.

I...

Am I too late?

Somebody's got to set a peaceful mood for the birth.

Oh!

Yes, candles and open oxygen tanks...

Perfect combo for a hospital.

- Smells... - No...

Can I speak with you for a moment?

Oh. Sure. Anything to get me away from him.

My shaman blessed those.

So, the doctor told me

Bow's blood pressure was so high

that inducing was too dangerous

and they had to do an emergency C-section.

It was all happening so fast, mostly what I heard was this.

In a situation like this,

it's the hospital's policy to save the mother first.

"Save the mother"? What the hell are you talking about?

Does she have a DNR?

A Do Not Resuscitate?

Why would we need that? Bow said everything was gonna be okay.

Take a look at the paperwork.

I'll see you in surgery.

[Indistinct talking on P.A.]

Dre?

Baby, what's wrong?

- [Voice breaking] Mama. - What?

I could lose her, Mama.

Bow could die.

What am I gonna do?

I can't do all this by myself.

You sure?

All right, no. L-Listen to me. Listen, now.

She's gonna be all right, and you've got to believe that.

Okay?

Rainbow: Dre?!

- Can you come here? - No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

She can't see you like this.

Sit down. Sit down.

Let me handle this.

- Oh... Hey. - Hey.

Hey.

Why are you sitting out here?

Some idiot tried to steal a baby.

The nurses said they'll be right back.

They just left you sitting here like a package on a doorstep?!

It's fine. It's fine, Ruby.

It's just, my... my feet are cold.

What's wrong with this damn hospital?

Somebody get my daughter a blanket!

Hello?!

Here you go.

Um...

did you just call me your daughter?

What? No. No.

Your high blood pressure's making you hallucinate.

Sorry I asked.

You hallucinated that, too.

5, 6, 7, 8, 9...

You're Bow's brother, right?

That means you're about to become the uncle to my mother.

That makes total sense to me.

Johan Johnson.

Charlie Telphy.

Always a pleasure to meet someone

who gets the theory of soul transfer.

Gets it? I live it.

I've got the soul of Henry Fonda.

It's why I like cardigans so much.

I sensed that about you.

[Monitor beeping]

Wow.

This is surreal. [Exhales sharply]

I do not like being on this side of the little blue curtain.

- Mm. - [Exhales sharply]

Wait up.

Hannah.

It's "Joanne."

Okay, now is not the time, Hannah.

Show me my chart.

No, no, no!

I don't want the generic stuff.

I want the uncut Dilaudid.

Give me what we'd give Jennifer Lawrence

if she was having a baby.

- I'll see what I can do. - Thank you.

[Sighs] I didn't go to med school

- to not get the J-Law baby drugs. - Okay.

Okay, everyone. We ready?

Rainbow: Yeah. Here we go, Bow.

Wow. This is really happening.

Yep. This is how we're having our baby.

- Okay. - Yep.

- Okay. - I'm here, baby.

- This is normal. - Okay.

- This is normal. - Mm-hmm.

[Voice breaking] Yep, this is normal.

It's normal, babe.

[Whimpers]

Okay, this is not normal.

- It's okay. - No, it's not normal, Dre.

I'm really scared. I'm scared, Dre.

- Bow, babe, everything's gonna be okay. - Okay.

- All right? I'm right here. - Okay.

All right?

This was not supposed to happen like this.

I'm really good at this stuff.

- I'm a baby maker. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, Dre, what if something goes wrong?

Shh. Hey, hey, hey, hey, stop.

- Okay? Stop. - Okay.

- Okay? Look... Look at me, Bow. - Mm-hmm.

- All right? - Mm-hmm.

You don't have to say those things,

- because you're not going anywhere. - Okay.

- All right, you are a warrior. - Okay.

All right, and you're gonna get through this

just like you get through everything else...

With grace, with strength... [Exhales sharply]

baby, with great hair.

I have such great hair.

- Yes, you do. - I do.

You got this, okay?

- Okay. - All right.

I got this.

[Exhales sharply]

- I love you, Dre. - I love you, babe.

[Groans]

[Sighs] I love you, Holiday Hannah.

- Huh? - I love you so much.

You're my best friend in the whole world.

Hannah, give me a kiss.

Uh, no... W-W-What... What's going on?

She's on some celebrity-level narcotics right now.

Got it.

[Monitor beeping]

- Okay, Bow, final stretch. - Rainbow: Okay.

You're gonna feel a little tugging.

- Hey, babe? - Mm-hmm?

- You're doing great. - Okay.

And we have a baby boy!

Ohh!

- He's gorgeous! - Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- Ohh! - I... I can see him!

- He's here, babe! He's here! - Oh, it's DeVont?!

Your blood pressure's already coming down.

Oh, God.

Baby, how does he look?

Please don't make me look on the other side, Bow.

It's like Fallujah over there.

- Oh, Dre, come on. - Okay.

- Uh, he looks like a baby. - He does?

Yeah, a very...

tiny... fragile baby.

- Oh, he's small? - Yeah.

What... Where are they taking him?

They need to get him down to the NICU to run some tests.

But everybody said he was gonna be fine.

Well, he's premature, which means

his lungs aren't fully developed.

- Okay. - Lungs?

We don't want to risk infection.

Okay, Dre, you need to go with the baby.

- Oh, no, baby, but you still need me. - I'm fine.

- I need you to go. - Okay.

- Go with the baby. - Okay.

Bye.

Bye.

[Indistinct talking echoing]

If it were true that the plane wasn't going down

and everything was going to be okay...

why were the flight attendants putting on parachutes?

How you feeling, sweetie?

- I'm... really tired. - Mm.

But I'm okay.

I think I invited Holiday Hannah to live with us.

Don't do drugs, kids.

Hey. Hey, sweetie. Hi.

Hey, babe.

- So? - Hmm?

How's DeVont??

Oh. They say he's doing great.

"They"? You haven't been there to see him?

Babe, it was hectic... you know,

there were so many people around doing what they do,

- I didn't want to mess up the flow. - Mess...

So I got on the phone,

and I filled in our family what's going on.

Your cousin Vi... She's doing great.

- Did you know she was back in school? - I did not.

Everybody thought she was a chaperone at the prom...

- Dre. - But she still had a good time.

Our baby is all alone, Dre.

- I can't get out of bed. - I...

I need you to go see him.

But there are a lot of other people with him right now.

You know, babies need their space.

Okay, I'll go right now.

- I'll go see him. - Good. Go.

- Oh! Um, I also talked to my Uncle Ricky. - Okay.

And he found that can of money that he buried in the backyard,

but it's not as much as he remembered.

I don't even... I don't even think it was his can.

- Go, Dre. - Okay. Mm-hmm.

Please go.

[Babies crying, fussing]

Not sure which one is yours?

Here's a hint... The black one.

Not now, Pops.

What you waiting out here for, son?

Go on. Get in there.

I can't.

You didn't see him.

He's so little, Pops. What if he doesn't make it?

Look... Just... Everything's gonna be all right.

What if it's not?

What if I fall in love with that baby

and he breaks my heart?

Look, I can't guarantee everything's gonna be all right.

No one can.

But I can promise you this...

If you don't get in there

and spend every moment you can with him right now,

you will regret it.

Hey.

That's your son in there. He needs you.

You need to go on, get in there, and be his daddy.

You're a good man.

[Crying, fussing continue]

Oh, my goodness.

You take such good care of these babies.

I wonder who takes care of you.

Hi. I'm Earl Johnson. Nice to meet you.

- Hey. - Hey.

So, I tried to make something for the baby,

but I screwed it up.

This is actually really embarrassing.

Is this how Junior feels all the time?

Anyway... here.

Thank you, sweetheart.

[Gasps]

Oh, sweetheart!

It's the perfect size for the baby.

So... I actually did a great job?

Yeah.

That makes sense.

I wrote a letter for the baby.

- You did? - Mm-hmm.

And I helped.

You guys, that's so sweet.

Can I hear it?

Okay.

[Chuckles]

"Dear Baby DeVont?, welcome to the family.

- [Rainbow giggles] - You're definitely a Johnson,

because you really know how to make an entrance.

You scared us for a minute there.

But we know you're a fighter.

You're probably the strongest out of all of us.

Especially Dad. He's weak.

He cries all the time.

We can't wait to get you home and play with you

and hug you and kiss you.

You coming early just means we have

more time to spend together.

"Love, Diane."

Jack: "And Jack."

[Crying]

[Sniffles]

Hello, DeVont?.

Hello, Mama.

Charlie, how the hell did you get in here?

This is not weird.

My mama's inside your baby.

What?

Guys, DeVont?'s here, your mom's feeling better.

I thought this was a party.

- Where's the music? - I don't know.

Biz: I'm on it.

I just love co-ed baby showers.

[Cheering]

You, you got what I need

But you say he's just a friend

You say he's just a friend

Oh, baby, you

Hey!

Got what I need

But you say he's just a friend

You say he's just a friend

[Rapping] I got friends, and that's a fact

Like Zoey, Junior, Diane, and Jack

Forget about that, and let's go into the story

About a girl named blah-blah-blah that adored me

It's gonna be all right.

So we started talkin', gettin' familiar

Spendin' a lot of time so we...

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