Original subtitles

Dre: Growing up with a single mom who worked all the time,

I made best friends with my TV.

Kiss her grits, Mel!

Watching TV expanded my world.

It showed me how different my life was from other people.

It made me want a family like the Keatons

or the Seavers or the Bradys.

The only problem is, they didn't look like me.

It wasn't until the Huxtables

that I saw the family I could be.

And current controversy aside,

that show made this 11-year-old black boy

believe one day, he, too,

could have a perfect family just like that...

a family anchored by two loving parents

who have amazing careers.

And now I have that.

Dude.

I hear they're talking about layoffs.

Did you say "playoffs"?

I did not.

Correction.

Had an amazing career.

What's going on?

Rumor has it they're laying off like a bunch of the staff.

Here comes Stevens.

I got to look busy. I mean, I'm busy.

I'm valuable. Arguably a linchpin.

Hey.

Why are you firing people?

It's not me. It is Daphne.

She's flexing her 51% ownership

and making a lot of changes around here.

- Lido's Place? - [Sighs] Yeah.

She's trying out new names... Lido's Place.

It sounds like a place where you get two-for-one Michelobs.

Okay, look, with all these changes,

I'm still good, right?

I'm sorry, Dre,

but I-I can't protect you with my 49%.

I used my chit to save Javier.

Hola, papi. [Chuckles]

So, you're telling me that the janitor

is more important to this company than me?

Well, it depends, Dre.

Can you get blood stains out of imported herringbone marble?

Hmm? Yeah. Okay.

I didn't think so.

Sorry. Can't talk.

Too valuable.

I don't have time to chit-chat like Dre.

Rainbow: Who wants ice cream?

Come get ice cream!

Yay!

Okay, I lied. There is no ice cream.

I trust you less every day.

But there still is a treat.

You are gonna help me organize the school auction

that I'm in charge of.

Yay, us!

Isn't there usually a committee of moms that does that?

Yeah.

I was gonna ask them, but it's a little...

It's complicated.

Blair: Hey, Bow!

How's the auction coming? Do you need any help?

But what she's really saying is...

Hey, Bow.

I bet you need help,

you full-time doctor, part-time mom,

overworked, over-tired,

barely-putting-an-outfit-together,

youngest-calling-the-nanny-"Mama,"

nanny-calling-your-husband-"Daddy,"

can't-throw-an-auction mess.

We're all waiting for you to fail.

See, you ask for help and you look weak.

But you're asking us for help.

No.

I'm telling you you're helping me.

Now I'm strong.

So, where do you want us to start?

With these gift baskets.

"Thar She Blows"...

a blowout from style wizard Chaz Dean

- and a glass-blowing class. - [Laughs]

Thar this blows.

Hey.

I got a lot of random items donated this year,

and I think I paired and described them quite cleverly.

"Donut Worry, Be Coffee?"

- Yep. - Eh.

This one's not bad.

A trip to Peru... "Alpaca My Bags."

[Laughs]

Mom, your copy game sucks.

- You suck! - Oh.

I... Well.

My darling, I love you so much,

and I thank you.

I thank you for your help.

Thank you so much for helping me make these baskets beautiful!

These are, like, all hay, no gifts.

There are a lot of gift cards here.

Gift cards.

Dislike.

Biggest scam since second-hand smoke.

Retailers make a fortune

because they know those cards sit in drawers for years.

Sometimes I give out empty gift cards

because I know people will never use them.

Like the one you got me for my birthday?

Oh, no, sweetie.

That's good at any Blockbuster.

"What'chu Talking 'Bout, Wills?"...

box set of "Diff'rent Strokes"

and estate-planning consultation.

Mom makes me sad.

Oh, sweetie, she makes us all sad.

Do you really think this layoff could happen?

I don't know.

Do you know how to get blood out of herringbone marble?

I'm a doctor, Dre.

I know how to get blood out of everything.

Except for cashmere and linen... oh, and silk.

Huh.

I get blood on a lot of things.

[Groans]

Anyway, Dre, no matter what happens,

I have a really good job, so we'll figure it out.

Yeah, yeah. We've had challenges before.

- We'll be fine. - Mm-hmm.

All right. I love you.

Oh, I love you, too, baby. [Smooches]

So, your marriage is falling apart, huh?

What?

Bow supporting you is going to change your whole dynamic.

Trust me, son.

It's not like that, Pops.

Look, I supported her through medical school,

so if I lose my job, she can...

Boss up on you like your mother did to me when I lost my job.

[Shudders] Ruined our marriage.

I thought you sleeping with other women

ruined your marriage.

Probably didn't help, but that job thing... Whoo!

Back-breaker.

- Ah. - Mm! Back-breaker!

Did you steal the gift card from "Thar She Blows?"

Oh, no.

I didn't steal the gift card.

I stole the money on the gift card.

- That's different. - That is different.

No, it's not. It's still stealing.

Listen, my precious little lambs,

now, we all know whoever bids on that basket

will never actually use that card.

And wouldn't that be a waste?

Because look at how flipping gorgeous I am.

She does look hot, Jack.

Yeah. Damn right I do.

Now, I want you two to go over there

and stick your little grubby hands in a basket

and take whatever you want.

Just make sure you put the empty card back.

I don't know.

When's the last time you did know?

Listen to me, friend.

We're minors that have no choice

but to obey the adult telling us to steal.

Now, go make Grandma proud.

Okay, so my mom is a little crazy,

and my Pops is, too.

Bow was never gonna boss up

because I was never gonna lose my job.

Fresh-baked almond cake, guys.

Daphne's favorite.

Getting rid of me would mean no more delicious treats.

Just save it, okay? Daphne's not even here.

Damn it.

And aren't you allergic to nuts?

Very.

I had to epi myself three times making this.

My heart's beating 200 beats a minute.

[Laughing] Oh!

This is a very dangerous game.

Oh, Josh. I am really gonna miss you.

What?

You know, I don't need to bake

to prove that I'm indispensable.

This graph right here

shows all the money generated by the urban market,

which I am the head of.

Yeah, I'm gonna stop you right there, Dre.

I mean, you have done a wonderful job

with the urban division.

Thank you.

So much so that the urban market doesn't exist anymore.

- What? - It's just the market, okay?

Take a look at this.

Urban market, market.

Urban market, market.

Okay?

Put it this way... the day I learned what "on fleek" meant

was the day that the urban market was no longer "on fleek."

But you know what is lit? Huh?

The rural market.

Check this out.

Look at this, huh? Rural market.

[Knock on door]

Oh, hey. Here he is right now.

Guys, our new Senior VP,

Rural Division, Jimmy Ray Hickock. What?

Actually, my name is Alan Feinstein.

Not here it isn't, Jimmy Ray.

Okay...

We've got a last-minute package to split a cheese plate with.

Get this.

Michelle Obama!

[Screams]

This is huge!

Do you guys have any pitches on names?

First Lady.

- FLOTUS? - FLOTUS!

- Uh-huh. - FLOTUS...

"FLOTUS Like a Butterfly..."

"...Stink Like a Brie."

[Gasps] Oh!

This is perfect!

You guys really are my children.

I hate myself.

I hate you, too. You led me down this path.

So, Mom, did you come up with a theme yet?

Ah.

My theme... wait for it... is...

[Imitates drum roll]

[Laughs] ...no theme!

I had a nightmare about this.

I think people expect a theme.

No. No, no, no, no. People hate a theme.

People hate being pressured into dressing like dumb cowgirls

and disco dancers and having to end the night with their husband

cutting them out of their go-go boots.

[All screaming]

In front of their four children.

Anyway, this is going to be the best auction yet!

I'm doing it! [Laughs]

So I was gonna have to figure out how to market to rurals.

First thing on my list

was learning how to pronounce "rural."

- Rural. - Rural.

- Rural. - Rural.

Son, what the hell are you doing?

I'm trying to protect my job, Pops.

It's getting serious at work.

Oh, it's okay, son.

Anything happens, you got a rich wife to take care of you.

That way, you can go back to your herb garden,

which by the way,

was not at all what I thought it was going to be.

You think this is a joke? This is my life, man.

Oh, calm down, boy. Everybody gets laid off.

Hell, I told you. Even I got laid off.

You did not get laid off.

You were escorted out by the police

because you embezzled 12 grand.

Reparations!

And not even close to what they owe us.

I don't believe Smitty's Mattress Shack

owed us reparations.

Well, not anymore, they don't!

Listen, all I'm saying

is losing your job is not the end of the world.

You're a moderately competent man.

You'll be fine.

Pops, it's about more than losing my job.

Do you know what happens to me

every time I drop the kids off at school?

Oh, my God.

What a beautiful family!

Dre: What she's actually saying is...

Oh, my God.

You're a college-educated, two-parent,

married, hardworking, well-spoken,

no-baby-mama-on-the-side-having, full-tuition-paying family,

and neither one of you is an actor, athlete,

rapper, or drug dealer?

They're surprised to see us doing

what every other family at that school is doing...

being a family.

Why do we get all the attention?

Well, you don't exactly fly under the radar

with your Benz and high-top sneaker-boot tennis shoes.

There's so few of us up there,

I got to represent.

It's a lot of pressure keeping this perfect picture together.

It's probably how Will and Jada feel.

Hold up.

You're comparing yourself

to the biggest movie star in the world?

- Mm-hmm. - That's crazy.

You're right.

We're more like Barack and Michelle.

Can you imagine if Obama did

what Clinton did in the Oval Office?

I heard he had all the doors removed

to take away any suspicion.

Oh, six more months, Barack.

Let's just keep it together.

Hey, Pops.

Why do we always do this?

- Reporter: Police have described... - Please don't be black.

- the gunman as a six-foot-tall... - Please don't be black.

- White male. - [Cheering]

[Laughs]

Wait a minute. Eight people got shot.

Yes, that is...

Well, that's... that's a damn shame.

That's a tragedy.

But we didn't do it!

[Laughter]

[Both laugh]

But seriously, man.

When one black person fails...

it feels like it sets us all back.

Son. You haven't failed.

Yet.

But there are people out there waiting for me to.

Okay, I understand what you're saying. Times have changed.

We got a black president, we've got big movie stars,

- and you feel like you're a part of that. - Yes.

- You've got to maintain. - Mm-hmm.

You've got to hold it down. I understand.

That's a lot of pressure.

Good luck with that.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I need to go, uh, tend to my own herb garden.

[Scoffs]

Hey, guys, look what we got!

Wizard hats, jelly slugs.

And you reek of butterbeer.

You went to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.

Grandma Ruby made us steal.

From the "Rock Your Universe-al Studios Tour" basket?

Terrible title.

Over $1 billion a year goes unclaimed on gift cards, people.

Yeah.

You, too, can have free fun.

Just take what you want and fill the empty spot with hay.

We can't do this.

- Yes, you can! - Says so in the Bible.

Turns out Jesus... yeah, not a fan of gift cards.

Mm-hmm.

And you two have worked so hard.

You deserve a little something.

Perhaps take a peek in this "Game of Phones" basket.

- I could use a new phone. - Yes, you could.

Khaleesi will do your voice-mail in Dothraki?

I need it.

Or should I say... "Anha zigereo me"?

Okay.

[Lil Wayne's "Got Money" plays]

So, to be honest, right or wrong,

I was feeling the pressure to keep up my family's image.

That's why when the night of the auction came around,

I went all-out.

I made everyone put on their hottest gear.

And you know it, yeah

Take it out your pocket and show it

Then throw it like fly And I dusted off my big-boy ear rock.

Wasn't about to let these people see me

in my starter stud.

All right.

Game time, everybody.

What a perfect family.

Oh, thank you.

That is exactly what we needed, all right?

By the time we're out of here, I want everybody on our jocks.

Let's go.

Hey, Bow.

Oh. Hey! Janine.

Oh, my goodness!

You look so interesting!

Yeah, well, I didn't actually know what to wear.

Oh. Your no-theme theme

really left me flapping in the breeze on this one.

Didn't mean for it to be confusing.

E-Everyone else seemed to figure out

they could wear just flattering normal clothes.

If it had been my auction,

I would have called "Giddy Up Those Bids."

[Both laugh] But, uh, you know,

you're... you're not trying at all non-idea is brilliant, too.

I mean, 'cause, gosh,

no one else would have come up with that one.

I Mean...

[Laughs] Like, no one.

I'm kind of happy there's no theme.

- Really? - Yeah.

I didn't have to dress up like a sexy flapper or a sexy hippie.

[Chuckles]

It's such a relief just to be sexy.

Oh! Oh, I know!

Bruce thinks that cowgirls are really sexy.

Well, they can be.

Rainbow: Yeah, they can be.

God, you nailed it, Bow.

And the baskets They're awesome.

Really?

You know what one I I...

The "FLOTUS Like a Butterfly, Stinks Like a Brie"

basket name... I mean, that's pretty clever.

Thank you! [Laughs] I came up with it.

Hey, babe. [Inhales deeply]

Not to toot my own bugle...

[Imitates bugle]

[Laughs] Okay.

Both Janine and Blair both said,

and I quote, "I'm having the best night of my life."

End quote. [Laughs]

Well, a mom came up to me and said, quote,

"Your family is so good-looking,

it makes me want to drown my family."

- End quote. - No!

We're killing it, babe! [Both laugh]

Oh, I love killing!

I am a killer.

Are you Oh.

W-Well, not at work.

Yes. Yes.

Hey! Hi, honey! I'm gonna go say hi.

Hey, keep killing it, babe.

Oh, I will.

So I was feeling pretty good.

And then...

What the hell are you doing?

Why would you think I'm stealing?

Grandma didn't tell us to steal.

Why would you have it in for her?

I didn't say anything about Grandma.

I played this one all wrong.

So, the thieving children have used up every gift card.

Except for the "Surf and Girth"... we missed that one.

Shut up, thief!

The thieves will sit in these chairs

and the thieves will not move from these thieve-chairs

or the thieves will be beaten like the thieves that they are.

Do the thieves understand me?!

I believe that the thieves understand.

This was my nightmare...

that the people who put my family on a pedestal

were about to perceive my black kids as black thieves,

exactly what people expected them to be...

which they were, but that's not the point.

I had to do something to fix this.

Oh Oh!

- "Melon DeGeneres?" - Mm-hmm.

Oh, tickets to the "Ellen" show

and an edible arrangement delivered to your door.

Fruit delivered to your doorstep every week?

Might as well bid on a raccoon delivery.

Yeah. I-I don't want to win that.

Hmm. Mnh-mnh.

What are you doing?

Trying to get people not to bid on these baskets.

I saw what you were doing.

Why are you doing it?

Because we're Will and Jada, Barack and Michelle.

What are you talking about, Dre?

Your kids ripped off all of your gift cards.

- What? - Yes.

They drained every single last one of them.

They thought that it was okay to do.

Where would they get an idea like that?

- Not from my mama. - Wha...

Why would you think it was her?

- I didn't. - Damn it, Bow. That is my mama.

My mama... she's been nothing but there for us

when we needed her.

She gives us her all every day.

Every day, Bow! Doesn't steal.

I'm auctioning off worthless baskets.

Eh, maybe.

Dre, my theme is fraud.

[Gasps] Could be.

My perfect auction is ruined.

- My perfect family is ruined. - What are we gonna do?

[Microphone feedback] Announcer: The tables are now closing.

- Okay. Okay. - Ladies and gentlemen, the tables are now closing.

We're not gonna do anything.

I read someplace that nobody ever uses their gift cards,

so maybe we're okay.

Okay. [Chuckles]

Guess who's going to Universal Studios?

[Gasps] Can we go right now?

I don't see why not!

- Yeah! - Dre, go start the car.

- On it. - Boom!

- That's what you get! - In your face!

Yeah, Janine.

I don't know why they didn't allow you access into the park.

But what matters is that you donated.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, breaking up, breaking up.

Going into a tunnel.

I'm sorry. Okay. What?

What?

Oh, you can see... see me?

This is gonna be awkward.

Thank you so much.

Who was that?

Michael Vick's publicist.

And not surprising, has some pretty good ideas.

Hey, Rainbow, I'm sorry about your auction.

I made this for you.

At the glass-blowing class I paid for with my own money.

- Ruby. - Mm-hmm.

- Thank you so much. - Mm-hmm.

[Chuckles]

Oh, Lord! My vase!

Mama, this is your fault, all right?

You've ruined us.

Everything we built, our reputation.

We're gonna have to move to Bakersfield.

Oh, don't be so dramatic.

Wha...

If the two of you can't survive

a teeny-tiny district-wide grand-larceny scandal,

then maybe you weren't as beloved as you thought!

[Scoffs] Now, here's your daddy now.

Now, he embezzled $12,000 from Smitty's Mattress Shack

and went back to work there three weeks later.

Just to steal a mattress.

I've worked hard to build an image

where people can say,

"Wow. What a great black family."

And now, everybody sees us as just thieves

who can't throw an auction.

- Hey! - Babe, I'm just saying what people think.

Pops: Who cares what people think?

Your whole life,

you've been running around trying to be "The Cosby Show."

So what if I was?

There's something to seeing a black doctor and black lawyer

living in a loving marriage, raising happy, stable children

with no one questioning it.

The Huxtables were make-believe, son!

Maybe.

But the dreams they created were real!

Oh, my God.

I'm so glad you feel that way.

Whenever I get stuck, I ask myself...

What would Claire Huxtable do?

I do the exact same thing.

You do?

Except I ask our Lord and Savior,

who died on the cross for our sins!

But Claire Huxtable's good, too.

Dre: I invested in the Huxtables.

They made me believe that I could have a family like them.

And then that news about Bill Cosby hit,

- and I was devastated. - We all were.

- Oh. - It was awful.

I-It blew up everything I thought I knew.

Son, it was one show.

Let it go.

That's my point.

Pops, we get so few chances,

and when we do something and we do it well, it's special.

And when we mess it up,

we mess it up for everybody that's coming up behind us.

It's like we're carrying everybody's dreams on our back.

Sweetie, look.

I know you're spinning out.

I know you're spinning out

because you're afraid that you may be losing your job.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. You telling me my baby's gonna be out in the streets?!

No, no. He's not.

Look, sweetie, I feel the pressure, too,

as a black woman and a doctor and a perfect auction-thrower.

I also have to be three times better than everybody else.

Yeah, and you never make it.

[Laughs] Good luck with that.

Look. Dre.

We can't let this perfectionism crush us.

We're not perfect. So you lose your job.

It's okay. I'll cover us.

That is also success.

I guess it is, but it's not what I imagined.

I'm sure it's not what she imagined, either, son.

It's not, but who cares?

Dre.

This is our real life, and it's pretty good.

Thank you, baby.

And you know what's gonna make it better?

What?

Getting our cheese on with FLOTUS.

- You won it? - I did.

We're gonna stink like a Brie.

Ooh.

[Laughs]

So, the Johnson family wasn't perfect, and that's okay.

It doesn't mean we can't be better or the best.

And maybe one day, perfect.

And just because I wasn't sure

what was going to happen to me at work

doesn't mean I couldn't do better.

And maybe, just maybe, my real life

could be better than the dreams of my childhood.

Josh: Bam.

You know Daphne's on a cleanse, right?

- Damn it! - Okay.

Daphne has gone completely off the rails.

She went out and bought a controlling interest

in Turner, Bates, & Sutcliffe,

so now we have to absorb their staff.

Uh-oh. Who do you think they're bringing over?

Charlie: I hope they're a good personality fit.

'Cause I've worked with some bad people over there.

Charlie, what the hell are you doing here?

Not running from a corn-dog vendor. Why would you think that?

- [Scoffs] - Wha...

I'll be in my office.

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