All language subtitles for Black-ish s02e05 Churched

- Do you know what this is?
- What?

This is a picture of
our entire class swimming

at Dominique Harris' birthday bash.

Do you see us? Do you?

Look hard!

Take it down a notch, friend.

You don't see us because we're not in it.

Because we weren't invited.

Because of you people!

What did we do?

Probably said no, like you usually do.

That's why I just lie to
you about where I'm going.

What

Dre: Zoey, where are you going?

To bed.

Dre: Zoey, while a
boldfaced liar, wasn't wrong.

Bow and I are "no" people.

When people ask us
to do stuff...

So, we're having a party
for Sophie this Saturday.

Can you make it?

Our default position is

"home is where our heart
and our butts are."

We'd love to!

Unless it's Saturday.

Ooh, can't. My aunt Edith died.

Can't. Broke my leg.

Walking around on a broken femur right now.

I am strong, but not smart.

No. Uh... another dead aunt.

My aunt e... Condoleezza.

Your excuse game is in shambles.

Aunt Condoleezza?

You're absolutely right,
walking broken femur.

Can you two please just
start saying "yes" more?

Please?

- So, the party is Saturday?
- David: Yeah.

You can make it, right?

- They have a pool.
- With a slide.

Both: Yes.

Dre: Man, I should go over
there and jump up in there.

Rainbow: No.

Yeah, make one of the
kids just fly over the top.

Jack: Hey! We're going to the pool!

Rainbow: Going to the pool!

- Hey, buddy system.
- Yeah.

- Buddy system! Go!
- Have fun, you guys.

All right, hey, I got to say,

the Coopers have found out

the secret to having a good kids' party.

- Liquor.
- Boom!

Dre, why didn't we think of booze?

We got to do better.

I can't lie. I'm having a great time.

Mm-hmm.

And it wouldn't hurt us
to say "yes" more often.

- Okay?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Want another Margarita?

- Yes!
- See?

It's already paying off.

You guys, thank you so much for having us.

We're so happy you all could make it.

We're having a great time.

Uh-oh.

Jack is waist-deep in the pool,

and he's got that look in his eyes.

- Okay. Okay. Go handle it. Go handle it.
- So I'm gonna...

Margaritas!

Margaritas! [Laughs]

You know, we should get together again.

Yeah.

Okay, let's make it happen.

Okay.

I know we haven't known
each other that long,

but why don't you all come
with us to church next Sunday?

Church?

The reason I'm pausing here
is because for black folks,

church is a big deal.

For centuries, it's been the
backbone of our community,

dating back to when
we first got here.

Some even say the term "Sunday Best"

came from slaves
having one good outfit

their owners bought them for church,

which to be fair,
we kind of ran with...

and ran...

And ran...

And ran.

Churches were not only the core
of the civil rights movement,

but also the one place you knew
your mama couldn't beat you.

Growing up, it's how
we spent our Sundays.

Don't get me wrong...

I still have my faith,
but in the Johnson home,

this is what Sundays
have become.

All right, Zoey Sat prep.

Junior... field hockey.

Jack... basketball.

Diane... court-mandated therapy.

Let's go!

I did not make it to Jack in time,

but if we get out of here right now,

it'll get pinned on Nicky Schultz.

- Let's go.
- Okay, hold...

- Come on, let's...
- Uh, in other news,

I may have committed
us to church on Sunday.

Church?

Yes.

No!

- What?
- What were you thinking?

I felt guilty. It was church.

And let's face it, Bow...

we're C.E.O. churchgoers at best.

What does that mean?

"Christmas and easter only."

No, we're not.

- The last time we went was on...
- Easter.

- Well, okay, the time before that...
- Christmas.

Look, I know it doesn't matter to you

since you were raised
by a godless hippie...

correction.

She believed in many goddesses

and the healing power of tree nuts.

But I'm with you, Dre, okay?

A little more church wouldn't kill us,

and it'd be good for the kids.

Especially Diane.

Therapy is not working.

At all.

Okay, guys, listen up.

On Sunday, we are going to church.

- Why?!
- No!

We just went six months ago.

You guys, the Coopers invited us,

and you wanted us to say "yes" more.

I could do church.

I'd love to get one more
wear out of my easter suit

before it gets too small.

- Growing like a weed.
- Okay.

- Ruby: Andre?
- Hmm?

I've been asking you to go
to church with me for years.

God knows my heart.

Yeah, but he don't know your face.

And now white folks
call, and here you come.

Oh, Ruby, it's not like that.

Mnh-mnh.

- Oh, really?
- Mm-hmm.

Are you the expert,

late-in-life Christian, ex-snake charmer?

It was just once.

I just thank the lord on high

I was able to get you
to baptize these babies.

Mm...

Everybody, let's go get
cleaned up for dinner.

Dinnertime! Dinnertime!

Wait, when did the twins get baptized?

I don't remember going.

Me neither.

Uh... mama, you missed it

when you followed A.C. Green to Montego Bay

and tried to take his virginity.

Try? [Laughs]

"How Ruby got her groove back."

I wore the hell out of those braids.

- Yeah. She wore'em for like a year too long.
- Mm-hmm.

Wait a minute. That trip was 15 years ago.

Oh, don't tell me.

Look, mama, don't be mad.

But... sweet Jesus.

- It may be a possibility...
- Mnh-mnh!

- That we never...
- Oh, no!

Baptized the twins.

Ohhhh, sweet heavenly Jesus,
keep me near the cross!

Ruby! I think you're
being a little dramatic.

- I have never been dramatic a day in my life.
- Okay. All right.

- Not ever, ever, ever.
- Okay, Dre...

ever, ever, ever, ever, ever!

Come to grandma.

Now, listen.

I want you two to be very careful,

because it doesn't
matter how good you are...

when you die, you're going to a place

that is hotter and darker
than the bowels of hell.

What?!

Mommy?

Ruby! That's enough.

I am going to get helmets
for these babies' heads.

[Sighs shakily]

I don't want to go to
a place worse than hell.

I've already been to a WNBA game!

Wake up, amigo. I've
been thinking about it.

This is our free pass
to do whatever we want.

What do you mean?

If we're damned if we do
and damned if we don't,

- I say we do.
- I say we don't.

Put your helmet on.

Why are you tempting fate?

We live in earthquake country.

So, Sunday, we found ourselves
at the Coopers' church.

- Babe.
- What?

- This isn't bad at all.
- Mnh-mnh.

I love how the minister wasn't preachy.

- He used, like, metaphors.
- Right?

Life is like a
house with a lot of rooms.

And I am feeling this band.

And that bass player is in the pocket.

- Ah, Junior's in the pocket, too, babe. Look.
- Hmm?

[Instruments stop]

[Instruments resume] and thank you, baby

Ooh!
oh, yeah

That whole thing about
exiting the dark hall

and finding the bright path...

where'd you get that from?

Uh, I was telling people
where the bathrooms are.

Amazing.

Do Presbyterians not
believe in cell service?

[Laughs]

What are you doing?

- God is not watching us.
- Yes, he is!

God's everywhere.

Ugh. Except WNBA games.

Nobody goes to those.

Is it crazy

that this is one of the best
Sundays I've had in a while?

I mean, ever since Jack made
me give up those WNBA tickets.

- I know, right? Hey, Bow...
- Huh?

This could be our spot.

Tight 45-minute service,

the rev got us out in time to
beat the methodists to brunch?

[Laughs] Dre, we seriously
need to say "yes" more.

Can you imagine how
different our lives would be

if we didn't say "no" so much?

- Ohh! Wait.
- What, what?

- We both know we don't want children.
- Mnh-mnh.

Should we use protection?

Both: Nah!

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- What, what?

- Baby...
- What?

- We already have two kids.
- Okay.

Should we use protection?

Both: Nah!

With two kids, I could've
kept that PT Cruiser.

That's a good argument for four kids.

Oh, oh, look who's coming.

- Hey!
- Hi!

What'd you think?

You guys, thank you so
much for inviting us.

Thank you for coming.

Oh, God, we're so glad we
came to check it out. Yes.

You should really come
back and join us next week.

[Both gasp]

Yeah, will you join us?

[Both stammer]

Both: Yes!

Hey!

Oh!

Brothers and sisters, good morning!

Boop! [Chuckles]

Whoa. Dre, you seem unusually
chipper for a Monday.

What's wrong?

Got my "yes" game on yesterday,

and I took my family to church.

Wasn't looking forward to
it, but I felt great after.

Like a massage from a man.

Hmm?

Strong hands.

Yeah.

You know, I'm thinking
about going back next week.

- Going back?
- Uh-huh.

Okay, you're not getting
all churchy on me, are you?

You know, looking for those free holidays,

like this one over here with
her, uh, "second new year"?

Okay, one... I don't see anyone complaining

when I'm on the phone with
Tokyo on Christmas morning,

and two... I'm proud to be a Jew.

- Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on.
- What?

Stop being self-hating.

- Respect yourself, girl.
- Yes!

It's okay. We call ourselves Jews.

Not in this office you don't, little lady.

I do church.

I even co-signed for my reverend's Bentley.

My son can't buy a hot lunch,
but, uh, I'm going to heaven.

Do you go every Sunday?

Well, pretty much,

unless I'm getting a massage from David.

Ooh.

Look, just be careful, okay?

You go to church three
times, you get locked in,

the same way that... You sleep
with a woman for the third time,

well, then she becomes your mistress.

Next thing you know, you've
bought her an apartment

on the Wilshire Corridor
right next to Pia Zadora

and a Jersey Mike's.

That's why when I buy
a three-pack of rubbers,

I throw the third one out.

Reminds me to pull out.

- Ugh!
- Ew.

Of the relationship.

No, no. Don't listen to them, Dre, okay?

I think weekly worship is a good thing.

As a practicing Jew, I...

- okay!
- Oh!

You take your hateful
mouth to H.R. right now.

- I...
- Go.

So my boss didn't get exactly
where I was coming from...

or anywhere near where
I was coming from.

Babe. Stevens acted like
I'm getting all churchy.

Are we getting all churchy?

No. We're just making a little
more time for it for a change.

You know, that was
something that I never did,

because growing up as a kid,

church was shoved down my throat,

and I didn't like it.

Well, at least only one was forced on you.

- I had, like, 30.
- Hmm.

And after the naked church,
I was totally turned off.

See, that right there would
have kept me interested.

No, you're thinking "Red shoe diaries."

You need to be thinking
more "Honey Boo Boo."

- Ew.
- Yeah.

But seriously, last week was all right.

- I know, I liked it. I agree.
- Me too.

I think the Coopers' church
really could be our church.

Hmm.

This is not our church.

No, it's not.

Is this the only song dude knows?

Can he at least give us a remix?

Right? I mean, and what about the sermon?

Last week, it was "life is
like a house with many rooms,"

and this week, it's a pair
of pants with many pockets?

Which is it?

I hope it's rooms,

because life being
cargo pants makes me sad.

[Beeping] Don't do that here.

God is watching us.

Then he's gonna be amazed by my high score.

What happened?

It's like the second night in Vegas.

You've already played
Blackjack, ate the steak dinner,

and paid extra for the poncho
at the blue man group show.

No, we got to go now.

- Now?
- Yes, now.

If we stay any longer,

we'll be living next to Pia Zadora.

What?

Always throw away the third condom.

What are you talking about?

Just shh! Don't worry about it.

All right, you know what?
Come on. Everybody get up.

Go, let's go. No, no. What about Junior?

What the hell?

Okay. Don't worry about him, all right?

I got three more. Let's go.

No, no, no, no, no.
Everybody sit back down.

Sit back down right now.

Listen, we are staying
until the service is done,

and then if we don't want to come back,

we'll play it like any
good God-fearing Christian.

We'll just play the race card.

So, culturally speaking, we just...

we have, like, a different
idea of Sunday church.

Yeah, culturally speaking,

we're looking for
something a little more...

Livelier. Livelier.

And speaking culturally,

your church just isn't the right fit.

- Culturally speaking.
- Mm-hmm.

I mean, if we're...
we're speaking culturally.

Culturally.

Oh, my goodness gracious.

This is... this is so embarrassing.

It really is. We have been so presumptuous.

Oh, well.

Of course you have your own
culturally specific church.

Yes. Who doesn't?

That we would love to give
a try with you next Sunday.

If that's okay.

Yes! Yes!

Oh, my goodness gracious.

Alright, Ma.

I've been thinking about what you said,

and maybe it is time for
us to get back to church with you.

Oh, please.

Don't pretend like you're having
a come-to-black-Jesus moment.

I heard those snowflakes
invited themselves to my church.

Those "snowflakes" are the Coopers,

and they're a very nice
couple who we need to convince

we're regular black church goers.

Oh, so you're more concerned

with the opinion of these strangers

than you are the souls of your babies.

Mom, I'm not getting
into this baptism thing

with you right now.

Fine.

I guess I should just be grateful

you're finally coming
back to church with me.

Oh, and the white folks
are more than welcome.

Black Jesus doesn't see color.

You're lucky he doesn't see crazy.

Oh. And listen, baby boy.

I have explained your absence by saying

you have been off fighting the Taliban.

Don't make a liar out of me!

[Organ music playing]

Don't you look nice in
the suit I bought you!

Oh, you looked ridiculous
in those little-boy suits.

Thanks for talking me into the hat.

Oh, yeah!

All right.

Uh... Welcome.

[Laughs] Thank you.

Guys, we are so glad to be here.

Oh, we are so glad

to have you here at
our... Regular church home.

Yeah. Regular. Like, with regularity.

Regularity.

Do you have a favorite place, or...

Somewhere in the middle...

Um, down the middle... left. Front.

In the left Right.

Le... okay. Okay. Let's just go down.

Oh, oh.

Oh! That was so beautiful.

Yeah, wasn't that great?

Oh. Again? Okay.

Come on. Everybody up.

Oh, Whoo! All right!

- Amen! Hallelujah!
- Hallelujah!

Wow. Six songs.

Each one more uplifting than the last.

My hands are raw.

We will now offer
prayers for our community.

All: Amen. Okay.

Everybody knows somebody
broke into Shantay's car

and stole her last good hearing aid.

[Congregants murmuring]

Shantay, we're all praying for you.

Shantay!

We are all praying for you.

- All: Amen!
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

We send prayers to our own brother Arthur.

All: Amen.

Who is fighting the good
fight against pneumonia.

We pray for you, and we pray for you.

All: Amen!

We are also praying for
Reggie, Donita, and Dexter,

who are all battling cancer.

All: Oh!

And for C.C., Roberta,
and brother Silky Slim,

who also have the cancer.

Is anybody okay in this church?

And, of course, my son, Andre...

- Huh?
- Who has finally made it home safely

from fighting the evil Taliban.

[Congregants murmuring]

Praise Jesus and hallelujah!

All: Hallelujah!

Hallelujah, hallelujah!

All: Amen! Amen!

And now as the ushers
pass the collection plate

for those of us in need
of more than just prayers,

dig deep, people Dig deep.

All: Hallelujah!

And now let us bring up
pastor James C. Hubbard,

and we'll get these services started.

Hallelujah! Bring him up!

Started?

That was so touching.

How are they better at black
church than we are?

I don't know.

Did you hear the little boy?
The little boy said "sha-na-na."

And the mask we put on,

God tells us we don't have to wear it.

All: Amen!

God, I wish I was wearing
my compression socks.

I can't feel my feet,
we've been here so long.

Oh, I know you wish you was watching

a raiders game right now.

Or... or... or... or at a champagne brunch.

Champagne... hallelujah! Okay, okay,
please don't start talking about food,

'cause some of us are hungry.

Where they're serving biscuits and waffles!

Waffles! Waffles!

But we are nourished
by the love of the lord.

Not true, 'cause some of us could go for

a good grilled cheese right now.

Or a bloody Mary.

Amen!

God bless you, and good afternoon!

- Whoo! Amen!
- Praise God!

Go... immediately.
Immediately. Go right now. Go!

Oh, my God. I think they liked it. I
think they're gonna want to come back.

No, no, no, baby. I cannot sit
through another one of these.

I know, I know.

Look, we got to tell them. Okay.

Hey.

- Hi!
- Hey!

That was...

Incredible.

Just amazing.

But, you know, I was thinking,
life is like cargo pants.

Exactly... and, you know,

sometimes when you change your pants,

you leave your keys in your other pants.

And you just... stay at your own church.

Uh... hmm?

Oh, is...

Oh, you... you didn't...
you didn't like our church?

Culturally speaking, uh, it is a little...

Long.

- You know, if we're speaking culturally.
- Culturally.

[Sighs]

Well, you're gonna be
missed, because next Sunday

is "catch the holy ghost" Sunday.

Oh, well, that does sound
really interesting...

no! Nope.

There's no take-backs
at black church. Nope.

Sure. That sounds like a
real and established rule.

- Yes. It is.
- We come every Sunday.

- We should know.
- So we... we know that.

- Sure, yeah.
- Okay. Okay.

Well, we'll, uh, see you at school.

Which is in just a few hours.

[Laughter]

- At school.
- Andrea: All right. Awesome.

[Both laugh]

- Hey!
- I'm... I'm tired.

- Hey!
- Dre, come on.

This is the first Sunday
we've been able to sleep in

in a while.

Yeah.

You know, I can't believe
I'm about to say this, but...

I'm over here thinking about church.

Naked church?

[Chuckles] Strangely enough, no.

- You know what's crazy?
- What?

I've been thinking about it, too.

It was just such a nice feeling,

being connected to
something bigger than myself.

I know, right?

You know, even though the last few Sundays

weren't perfect, I think we could go back.

- To the Coopers' church?
- No!

And don't suggest Ruby's, either.

Oh, hell no.

But, babe, it took us three months

to find the right mattress,
so, I mean, it's okay

if it takes us a minute
to find the right church.

I know. You know?

Find the right people, the right community.

See if it's right for us.

Sounds like a good idea.

[Ruby clears throat]

While the two of you sleep in that bed,

just know that in the
meantime, the three of us...

[chuckles] We're reborn.

Did you baptize our children?

In our pool?

This is a lot off my plate.

For the record, he pushed me in.

Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh.

There are no take-backs
in black church, baby girl.

That is a real and established rule.

Come on. Let's go.

- Sha-na-na!
- That's it, baby!

Hey! Hey!

[Instruments stop]

[Instruments resume] and thank you, baby

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