All language subtitles for Black-ish s01e17 30 Something.eng

[Jay-Z's "Forever Young" plays ]

Dre: Look at all those sad dads.

Can you believe I'm the same age

as "Mr. I wear a cellphone
holster out in public"?

The difference between me and them
is that I've still got my swagger.

I may be days away from turning 40,

but age is really nothing
more than a state of mind.

For me, I'm not getting older. Whoo!

I'm getting better.

Whoo! Uh-huh! Uh-huh!

Because I know exactly who I am.

Aah! Ow! Aah.

And right now, that's someone
who's in a lot of pain.

[Echoing] Why-y-y-y-y?!

Oh, my God! Baby boy, what happened?

Oh, come on. Come on. Get on my back. Let
me carry you over to the couch. Come on.

Mama, look, I just rolled my ankle.

Ohh. My baby's bones are brittle.

Someone's been giving him skim milk.

- What...
- You go sit down.

I'm gonna bring you a mug of half-and-half.

- Okay, Ma.
- Oh, yeah.

Sweetheart, how many times
do I have to tell you?

You are way too old to
be playing basketball.

Ah, maybe you should tell that to
the young bucks I whupped up on today.

Oh.

So, are those the same young bucks
that carried you off the court

or the ones that drove you to the hospital?

Both. [Chuckles]

I'm just saying, if you're
gonna keep playing basketball,

I think you really need to
play a less intense game,

maybe with more... Colins and Ethans

and less Maliks and Jamals.

Are you trying to tell me I
belong in a white game?

Oh, I'm absolutely telling you that.

White game, Game of Whites.

Okay. Game of Whites.

Mm-hmm. [Scoffs]

- Dad?
- Hmm?

Grandma says you're falling apart
'cause mom isn't feeding you right.

Here is your half-and-half.

Oh, look at that. She put whipped cream
on top of my half-and-half. [Chuckles]

Poor old, old, old Dad.

- You're never gonna see me grow up.
- What?

He's not even gonna make it through
his birthday party next week.

I think you look good for your age, Dad.

Thank you, son. 40's not bad, right?

[Gasps] [Gasps] [Gasps] [Gasps]

You're only 40?!

Good Lord! You've lived a hard life!

Why doesn't mom look terrible, like you?

'Cause mom was a child bride.

Together: Ohhhhh!

You know, statistically,
by the time you get to 40,

more than half your life is over.

All you've got left is that
long, painful, downhill slide

toward the unforgiving
black abyss of death.

[Snoring]

- Whoa.
- Guys, suddenly, this just got very real.

Let's go.

No. Don't look. Just walk.

[Electronic music playing]

That's enough shopping.
Let's go home.

[Sighs]

- Hey! What was that for?!
- Hey! Come on!

- You broke my heart!
- Really?

Guys! Your dad is turning 40.

Oh, yeah. We buried him on that one.

Yeah, but this is a huge
deal. 40 is a milestone.

So no gift cards, no
creepy kid-massage coupons,

and no macaroni footprints.

You couldn't have taken
me aside for that one?

Okay, you need to get
him something special.

- Like what?
- Yeah, what does dad want?

You should not be asking
me that. He is your father.

Figure it out.

Like now! Figure it out! Let's go.

It's a big deal, you guys.

[Sighs]

- What?
- You don't know what he wants, either.

You have no idea what your husband likes.

Like you do.

[Laughs]

I absolutely do.

I breastfed him until he was 7.

Ugh. I did not need to know that, okay?

And trust me... I know what my man likes,

and I'm gonna get him
something great, okay?

Well, I hope you can.

Is that a challenge?

Oh. I don't think it's a challenge.

I know it's not a challenge.

Well, then...

It ain't on.

No. It is not.

[Chuckles]

Sleep well.

- You also.
- Thank you.

[Chuckles]

So, what do you guys think
dad wants for his birthday?

I already got him something.

You spelled "Birthday" wrong.

I know. People think
it's cute when I do that.

You know what... We should pool our money

so that we could get dad
something really nice.

I'll start.

I have zero dollars.

All my money is in Diane's hands, and
she won't tell me how much we have.

I feel like I'm going to come
home one day and you'll be gone.

Pssh! What?! [Chuckles nervously]

That's crazy. [Chuckles nervously]

He's crazy. [Chuckles nervously]

Don't you ever put me on blast like that.

So... How much money
do you have saved?

I mean, I don't have
Diane money, but I'm okay.

Here's the thing, though...

What can we buy dad that
he can't buy himself?

Yeah, you're right.

We should, like, make him something.

[Clears throat]

No. Something personal and meaningful.

And free!

I'm happy not to spend any of my money.

Sorry.

Our money. [Chuckling nervously]

So, my ankle was better,

but some people wanted to remind me

that I wasn't getting any younger.

- Hey, Dre.
- Hey.

Hey, H.R. tells me you're
turning the big 4-0, huh?

You doing anything special?

No, nothing special... Same as last year.

Hey, turning 40... No big deal.

I can't believe you're about to turn 40.

We thought you were, like, way younger.

Yeah, is it more offensive that I assumed
that you started having kids as a preteen

or that I can't tell
how old black people are?

Let me see. They're both pretty
offensive. D-do I have to pick just one?

Hey, Charlie, can you tell how old Dre is?

Huh? Uh...

[Sniffs]

- About a week shy of 40?
- That is settled.

Let's move on to some
new business... Red Bull.

Oh, hey, I got some great ideas about that.

Oh, you know what? Actually, you've
kind of aged out of that demographic.

You are gonna be my big dog
on the Stool-Softener account.

- What?!
- Yeah.

He said you're getting the Stool Softener!

Hey, Charlie.

- You're his big dog!
- Yeah. Okay. Okay.

O... fellas, look,

advertising is about cool,

and in cool, black 40 is the white 25.

Y'all know I still got
the most swag at this firm.

Ohh.

- Not since Curtis got here.
- My assistant?

[Clears throat] What?

- Here you go, boss.
- Oh, thanks.

Now, I put butter in there
instead of sugar and cream.

It's a little tip that I picked up while I
was doing EDM Beats with this kid in Milan.

[Sighs]

Namaste, fellas.

Ah. He's so cool.

- That guy's amazing.
- He's so cool.

That is not cool.

Yeah, but what definitely is
cool is that he, unlike someone else,

doesn't have to get
colonoscopies on the company dime.

Josh: Although you probably
should have gotten one already

'cause, in health, black
40 is like the white 75.

No, it's not! All right? I'm
the healthiest I've ever been.

- You've been limping for years.
- That's my stroll.

I-I've only had this limp for a week.

But I'm fine. You know what? You're lucky
I don't have my basketball gear here,

'cause if I did, I'd take you out on
the court and school all y'all asses.

- No.
- I've got some gym clothes you can borrow.

[Grunts]

What? Please.

By the way, you're working the
hell out of them panties, Dre.

Yeah, well, you know, if
anybody can work this, it's me.

Man, I can't believe these
dudes think I'm old.

Let's just start again.

Yeah, well, look, you prove your point,

and then you get the hell
on out of here, all right?

This is my white-guy
group. You go get your own.

Charlie, I don't want your white guys, man.

Brad! What's happening?

I'm being for real here, Dre.

These white guys are my hookup to
things that brothers can't get...

Nighttime dentists, hockey
tickets, cure for AIDS,

that black seat on the space
ark when the world ends.

- Hey, don't worry about it, man.
- I don't know what you're doing now.

I'm just here to show these dudes

that I haven't lost a step
since I'll be turning 40.

All right, guys, that's good.

Everybody, hey, time for a
little roundball. Bring it in.

- Now watch me dominate.
- Okay.

[Chuckles] Ohh! Damn it! Ow! God!

- What's wrong, Dre?
- Aw, I got a leg cramp. [Groans]

Don't worry about it, man.
I got a banana in my bag.

I'm just gonna sit here and
let this potassium do its thing.

Okay.

Whew.

Mmm... [crack]

Mnh! Mnh!

Oh, God!

Aah!

Oh, God!

[Whimpers]

What's wrong, Dre?!

I'm dying!

[Doorbell rings]

Package for Ruby Johnson.

- Oh, thank you.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes! Yes!

No. That's for me.

Very special gift for my very special boy.

And another for Rainbow Johnson.

Oh.

That's got to hurt.

This is not over.

So, what'd you get him?

Oh, I don't know. This is
just some Swiffer refills.

Good timing. Thank you.

Ow.

Oh, baby, I'm so sorry about your tooth.

Is there anything that
I could maybe buy you

that might make you feel better?

Like... I don't know. Like
golf clubs or a used Segway?

- What's the point?
- What?

My body parts are abandoning me
like rats from a sinking ship.

Dre, it's a tooth. Do not turn
this into a midlife crisis.

But this is a real crisis.

This isn't just about me getting old.

It's about me losing my swag!

Oh, my God. Wait. Your swag?

Okay. You can joke about it,
because you ain't got none.

- Wh...
- And... and... and you don't need any.

You got that stupid medical degree,

that... That round butt,

that... that pretty face to fall back on.

[Sighs] Look, babe, I just got this.

I'm a cool black dude.

And if I'm not cool, I'm
just a black dude, all right,

like Tim Duncan without the fundamentals.

You're always gonna be cool to me.

But you need to get the tooth
fixed before your birthday party.

I forgot we were still doing that.

What? No. It's gonna be awesome.

The neighbors are gonna come
over. They're gonna bring food.

We're gonna play Celebrity.

It's gonna be a Jammy Jam.

- No!
- What?

No, and don't you ever
say "Jammy Jam" again.

- Jammy Jam.
- N-n-no!

- Jammy Jam!
- You stop it!

I don't want to have an old-guy party.

- You know what?
- "Stop."

- I'm gonna throw my own party.
- What?

And it's gonna be the
coolest and the swaggiest!

And everybody's gonna come!

They're gonna even
write about it on Bossip.

- On...?
- You know, I might even

get my own dance out of it, called the Dre.

We just gonna do a
little something like this

- and do it like that, and then we...
- No, no, no.

- Bop! Bop!
- All right. Okay.

- Ow! Ow.
- Yes. Be careful.

Hurt my neck. You know what? We'll find it.

Yep. You need to find
it 'cause you are lost.

-
Baby

I feel like this has been
done before, but... Better.

Aw!

Maybe a talent show is a bad idea.

I mean, he's our dad, and he's a sap.

We got to tug on some heartstrings.

[Gasps] I got it. I got
it. I got it. I got it.

[High-pitched] Hey, everybody!

I hear it's Dre Johnson's birthday!

- No.
- No.

[Normal voice] Sorry, handbone.

[High-pitched] You're a mess.

[Sighs]

So, Operation Swag Back
was in full effect.

I was planning my big party,

and it was testing off the charts.

- Ooh, this is crazy!
- I know, right?

So, when everybody's leaving,
they'll get a thumb drive

of all 40 tracks that they just partay'd to

at the 40th birthday
partay to end all partays!

Oh, hoo! Oh, man!

You ain't giving them a chance, Dre!

I'm killing 'em.

Vis-ion-ary.

That's what they call me.

[Laughs] You hear that, Curtis?

Everyone's gonna get a thumb drive
with the music from the partay.

[Laughs] That's hilarious, man.

Can you imagine somebody
actually doing that?

[Laughs] Huh?

Oh, that's actually happening?

Y-you know what? That's... that's
probably gonna be tight, boss man. Yep.

Damn right it's gonna be tight.

I throw a fly party. You'll see.

You got to come through.

I-I got to come through?

Is that like a mandatory work thing or...?

You kn... you know what? It's cool.

I'm sure it'll be done early enough
for me to do something fun afterwards.

What... [Clears throat]

Uh, what you talking about hitting later?

'Cause I'll probably do a lap
at dude's thing and then bounce.

Charlie.

You literally just called me a visionary.

[Chuckles nervously]

Let it go, Dre.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Hold on.

You really think my party's gonna be whack?

All right, look, to be honest with you...

It sounds like a Jammy Jam.

- Damn!
- What?

Jammy Jam? Okay, hold. What would you do?

[Sighs] I don't know.

Uh, maybe a rotating bullpen of deejays.

Okay.

And let's talk about staff. SMADS.

SMADS?

Singer, model, actress, dancer. Right?

So, Curtis went on to
describe an incredible party,

and I realized I had
a new party planner.

And you put that all together and you
do it at a crazy-cool secret hot spot,

that's how you throw a party in 2015.

Wow. Okay, I'm with that.

Now, he's the visionary. [Chuckles]

And you inviting me to a Jammy Jam.

[Scoffs]

Now, what size are these SMADS?

- Because I like thick'ums.
- Wha...

So, it's my husband's 40th birthday,

and his favorite movie
growing up was "Beastmaster."

So, long story short...

How much for a ferret?

- Uh-huh.
- Dre's real gift finally came,

something he's been
wanting since he was 16...

Motorcycle lessons.

[Laughs]

Cost a fortune.

But can you really put a price

on making your baby's dreams come true?

[Chuckles]

It's a lot.

Okay, what about, like, a python?

O-or like a not-that-poisonous snake?

So, with the party fast approaching,

I put myself in Curtis' hands

and let him turn me into a
swaggier version of myself.

Now, I got this thing with
my hat that I do like this.

Oh.

Okay. Um... Really?

- You know, 'cause I can't see.
- What?

Hey, Dad. Uh, for reasons we can't share,
we need you to help us get in the attic.

Okay. Slow your roll, son. I'm
getting swaggified right now.

- But, Dad, we need...
- Hey, hey, hey, baby girl.

Look, I only have a few
minutes with Curtis, all right?

He's a very busy man, and he's taking
some valuable time from his day to help me.

Aren't you his boss?

- Get out of here! All right?!
- Ok.

I'm trying to get swaggified!

- Let's move on to the accoutrements.
- All right.

Now, in the club, they like
glow sticks, glow necklaces.

- Right.
- Weak.

- What?
- Glow mouth guard.

What?! Get out of here!

[Muffled] Oh! This is it!

- Okay, get me 600 of these.
- Yeah!

So, on the evening of the party,

I wanted to do a
walk-through of the venue.

Now, I know a lot of people think
Skid Row is a little ratchet,

[siren wailing] but trust me...

- Mm-hmm.
- It's the business.

Okay. Yeah.

T-that's what I'm looking
for... Ratchet business.

Word. Word. Like, I was
just here the other night,

and it was sick!

[Laughs]

- What?
- Yo, uh...

I could have swore it was right here.

What?

Damn, son.

- What?
- They tore it down.

They... They tore it down?

They tore it down!

Tell me that spot ain't cool. What?

Are you hearing yourself right now?

I have 200 people coming
to my 40th birthday party,

and you're telling me I don't
have a venue. [Camera clicks]

I'm telling you that I
found a venue so cool...

That it's gone.

You are welcome.

Oh.

Uh...

So, you saying no to this?

'Cause this will still work, boss!

We'll get some... we'll get some
fold-out chairs and a jumper!

So, we just need one last piece
from dad, and we're done, right?

Yep, and I don't want to sound corny,

but putting this much
thought into his gift...

Kind of making me love him even more.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Bow.
- Hey, Dad, can we...

- Not now. Okay, guys?
- But we really...

I said, "not now."

[Scoffs]

This is what I get for opening my heart.

Babe, I can't believe Curtis
messed up my whole party.

And this jacket is tight.

Yeah, if you like purple leather.

No. I mean literally tight.

Like, I can barely move my arms.

You know, babe, if you think about it,

this whole party fiasco is
someone else's fault entirely.

Mm-hmm.

- Yours.
- I...

No. I'm pretty sure it's Curtis' fault.

- Are you sure?
- Yes.

'Cause, you know, the
Dre I fell in love with

had so much swag that he
would have trusted himself

instead of turning his
party over to some kid.

Huh.

Yeah, you're right. It was Curtis' fault.

What I need to do is salvage this party.

Okay.

Nate. What up, little man?

I need six cases... Champagne.

It's going down!

With two hours to go until the party

and no venue, no food, and no music,

I had no choice but to go old-school

and use my contacts to
throw a house party.

But for it to be a truly
epic Dre Johnson joint,

I also had to call in a favor.

Yo, J.D.

What's up, man? It's Dre.

Yo, Dre, what's up?

I sold like 250 million records.

Uh... Yeah. I know.

Hey, hey, listen, I need a favor, brother.

Man, anything for you.

I discovered Bow Wow.

Okay. I-I don't see what
that has to do with anything.

But, um, look, man, I'm
glad you can help me out.

So, So Def.

Okay.

Okay.

All: Hey! [50 Cent's "In da Club" plays]

So, by the time the first guests
arrived, I'd pulled it off.

Somebody put your hands
in the air one time!

And it was cool.

You still just gonna take that lap?

Or are you gonna stay?

Oh, oh, oh, I ain't going nowhere.

[Laughs] Hey, hey, Dad.

- Oh, hey, Zoey.
- So, I was wondering if you could...

Hey, boss man, this party is bananas!

Give me one second, okay?

Ah.

- A party at your own house?
- Mm-hmm.

How'd you think of that?

'Cause he's the best, "New School."

And stop asking me to go to
that thing with you later.

I'm staying at dude's party.

[Chuckles]

Zoey: Uh, so, Dad...

I was wondering, before
it's not your birthday,

- if we could actually show you...
- Jermaine: Yo! Yo! Yo, party people!

I go by the name of Jermaine Dupri,

and it's time that we give a big
shout-out to my man, Dre Johnson!

-
Hang on tight

- What's up?
- What up, J.D.?

Hey, give me a second, Zo-Zo, okay?

Happy Birthday, Dre.

Thanks, J.D.

You know I danced for Whodini, right?

Uh... Yes, I did.

And I'm vegan.

- Like, no meat.
- Okay.

Completely off the dairy.

I did it. I got my swag back.

On no notice, I threw a killer party

with the people I care most about.

Wait. Where are the
people I care most about?

Zo?

Oh. You're all up here.

- What's going on?
- Nothing.

We were all waiting up here to
show you the present we got you.

Well, where is
my present, baby girl?

No, it can wait till after the party.

Jermaine Dupri's spinning.

He made "Money ain't a Thing."

He told me while I was waiting
behind him at the taco bar.

Okay, look, look, look,
the party can wait, okay?

Now, where's my gift?

All right.

Sit down.

Oh. "Sit down." Okay.

[Alphaville's "Forever Young" plays]

Oh.

I'd been so obsessed with
getting my swag back,

but then I realized the only people
you really need to have swagger for

are the people who don't
care if you have any at all.

Dre: Look at my family.

_

Hey.

I love you guys.

We love you, too.

- The kids did a nice job.
- Mm-hmm.

So, what'd you end up getting your man?

Oh, nothing big.

Just those four children over
there making him cry tears of joy.

- Cop-out.
- Oh.

Also, later tonight,

I plan on doing things to your son

that are gonna make it very hard for
him to ride a motorcycle anytime soon.

Girl, I don't want to hear that!

[Gasps] Oh, no, no.
Wait! Unh-unh! Unh-unh!

- Wait! Wait. That came out wrong!
- Oh, no, no.

it's nasty.

- No, but it came out wrong.
- I don't want to think about it, for the love of god.

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