Original subtitles

My only love sprung from my only hate,

too early seen unknown and known too late.

Prodigious birth of love it is to me,

that I must love a loathed enemy.

Ha! [Chuckles] That's my baby girl!

- Okay, babe, babe. - Hmm?

No yelling. [Scoffs]

- We're not at a movie. - Oh, come on, baby.

We all know how the story ends... they die.

Both: They die?!

Yep. Both of them.

Dre: What is it about the law of attraction?

Why do we fall for who we fall for?

And why do we often pick someone so wrong for us?

It must have been so much easier in prehistoric times.

Back then, you met, fell in love...

Hunted and gathered,

and then got eaten by a woolly mammoth.

[Chomp! Burp!]

But what happens when there's no mammoth to take you out?

When you both live?

Some people are lucky and find a way

to keep that fire alive for decades,

while others burn so bright, they explode.

Look at Britney and K-Fed, Sid and Nancy, Ruby and Earl.

Never heard of Ruby and Earl?

They're the fiery couple

who made my childhood miserable... my parents.

When these two loved each other, they loved each other.

But when they didn't, whoo!

Burn!

Burn, baby, burn!

[Laughing maniacally]

Which is why I do everything I can

to make sure they're never in the same room together.

Ugh. What the hell is she doing here?

What's he doing here?

Come on.

At least Romeo and Juliet had the decency to off themselves.

Black-ish - 01x11 Law of Attraction

You trying to make us pass out from all that cologne?

Mnh-mnh.

Just you. Breathe deep.

Shush!

Art thou not Romeo and a montague?

[Romeo speaking indistinctly] I see you're still wearing those ridiculous hats.

I see you're still wearing them 30 pounds.

Glass houses, fat man.

Hey! Be quiet! Please!

Tell him that.

I'm just trying to watch the play.

Don't get invested.

Everyone dies.

Yeah, and not soon enough.

And that's how it went through the play and through dinner.

Nobody made you come to dinner.

I'm not gonna miss a family dinner

just because watching you eat is offensive.

It's nice being together like this.

Why do you always take his side?

'Cause no one ever sides with the witch.

Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Bad witch... very bad witch.

Dre: Keep your distance, kids.

Oh, excu... excuse me.

Excuse me, babe.

Hey, man.

What?

What?!

Are we really doing this?

Hell, yeah, we really doing this.

[Scoffs]

Man, whatever.

Oh, I know it's whatever.

[Scoffs] What's wrong with you, boy?

You better show some respect.

Who you calling "boy," old man?

The thing about us old men is we got nothing to lose.

What you willing to lose today, son?

Go on and get your car, lady.

Thank you.

Mm. Very impressive.

Not bad for an old man.

I see you found that smile I used to like.

Well, lucky for you, I brought it.

My car.

Earl, is it okay if I ride with you?

What?! No!

I'd like that.

Oh!

I can't believe my moms is riding home with pops.

Hmm?

Oh, oh. God, yeah, that's bad.

It brings me back to my childhood.

They were always splitting up and getting back together.

I would get my hopes up,

and then I'd be crushed all over again.

I don't want our kids around that.

It always came to a head just like it did at my eighth birthday.

[Laughing maniacally]

My new bike was in that car.

What?

For sure.

How stupid is it that my mother only got interested in pops

when he went all caveman on that dude?

I know.

That tough-guy stuff is so stupid.

Totally. I mean, you weren't stupid.

You weren't stupid at all.

No, I was not. Nope.

That guy was kind of tall.

Real big.

Probably an ex-NFL player.

Yeah. Maybe.

What position do you think he played?

I don't know.

What position do regular-sized guys play?

I was catching a vibe

that maybe Bow was disappointed in her man.

And to be honest, I wasn't that happy with him, either.

You should have been like, "man, we next in line!

What you trying to do?"

And he would have been like, "man, my bad, my bad."

And I would have been like, "you want some of this?"

You want some of this?!" Waah!

What you got? What you got?

Huh?! What'd you say to my wife, huh?!

Tap out! Tap out!

Go to sleep.

That's it. Go to sleep.

And stay down.

Then I could have been like, "hyah!"

And then I should have been like, "hyah!"

Did you get the e-mail? Best news ever.

Bryce Porter's grandmother died,

Jordan Greenwald has mono,

and Cayden Morrison ate some bad pork.

- So? - So, they're out of Romeos.

That means the part goes to the under-under-understudy

slash assistant stage manager.

So, for next weekend, your main maing is Romeo!

No. But I'm Juliet, your sister.

I know!

We're such a talented family,

like the Gyllenhaals or the Osmonds.

Or the Bushes!

That's disgusting.

We are not playing star-crossed lovers.

It's not like we're actually kissing.

But I might actually kill myself.

I'm gonna go try on my tights.

Ugh, God.

- Look at this. - What?

I told you.

It's bad.

Ruby, would you pass me a fork, please?

Oh, yes.

What? She just passed him a fork, Dre.

And he didn't flinch.

She once put a fork in his neck.

They're being polite.

I mean, you have no idea that anything's going on between them.

Bow, you look so beautiful.

Look at your hair, all bouncing and behaving.

Thank you, Ruby.

Oh, yeah. He's tapping that ass.

I told you that wasn't a coyote I heard last night.

Okay, so, you wouldn't believe

what happened at Valet last night.

So, my parents were a mess,

and I decided I'd get some points of view

from some of the most damaged and imbalanced people I knew.

So, this morning, she gives him eggs!

Did you say eggs or A.I.D.S.?

I... [sighs]

You know what? It doesn't matter.

The point is...

You're getting a divorce.

Absolutely.

Yeah, that's a given.

- Ah, your first divorce. - Yeah.

Cherish this.

Give her the house. Visit Thailand.

[Chuckles] What are you talking about?

Thailand... it's got no rules.

It was made for these times.

It's why the Lord God put it there.

No, I'm asking you, why am I getting a divorce?

Oh, because you got punked out like a little bitch

in front of your wife and then your daddy had to save you.

And then you came in here and distracted us

with this cockamamie story

about your parents' loving relationship and A.I.D.S.

- [Clicks tongue] - Look here, man.

The Valet thing was no big deal, all right?

I played it cool.

No, Dre, you played it wrong.

Women like their men strong.

We're drawn to that male essence.

Take me, for example.

Women used to hate me.

"Used to"?

They could smell my weakness.

Why are you talking in the past tense?

Laura, please.

Stop flirting.

Oh, my God.

Look, Dre, it sounds like you turned her off.

Did you kiss goodbye this morning?

Yeah.

Okay. How was it?

Good?

All: Ohh.

Oh, no, Dre. Dre, you've lost your... your thing.

Imagine David Copperfield with no magic.

Well, that's just some weird klepto

who likes to cage up women.

Imagine Billy Joel without his piano...

Just a bloated fella from long island who loves mudslides.

Exactly. And what's carrot cake without the carrots?

Cake... delicious, spicy cake.

Stevens: Yeah. Dre's got a point. It's...

Laura: Yeah. Really good.

- You don't even miss the carrots. - Nah.

Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

N-now you want to boss up?

- Over carrot cake? - What...

Yeah, okay, you know what?

- Let's do this. - Oh, my God.

But what do they know?

They were taking their shirts off at work.

Bow and I were fine.

Our life was just like it had always been.

Hey, hey, babe, babe! What are you doing?

- I said I was gonna do that. - I know, I just want to enjoy it

before the two-year warranty is up.

What? [Power drill whirs]

Boom.

That ain't going nowhere.

Great job, babe.

No, no, no, no. Sweaty... real, real sweaty.

Uh, okay. All right.

Meet you in the shower! [Chuckles]

Babe?

The law of attraction was not going my way.

Bow was seriously not feeling me right now.

[Both chuckling]

Pops: Oh, Lord.

Where you two coming from?

You see me carrying a picnic basket in my hand.

Where you think we coming from, fool?

[Laughs]

Bless his heart.

Are you sure he's ours?

You know, there was another black baby in that nursery, but he looked smart.

I bet he was ours.

[Both laugh]

Mm-hmm.

Your father took me on a picnic and a sunset cruise.

I'm guessing not on his old boat, though.

[Laughing maniacally]

Nothing was ever proven.

Yeah, son. Sometimes boats just blow up.

Mm-hmm. Sometimes it happens twice.

Well, me and my raggedy-ass boats, huh, sweets?

[Laughs] Raggedy and flammable.

[Both laugh]

Just like your relationship.

- Hey, miss Rainbow. - Hey.

Smelling good!

Thank you. [Chuckles]

But isn't grilling really your man's job?

Oh, no. Dre and I don't really get caught up in all that.

Mm-hmm.

I didn't see you grilling a lot

before your husband showed his ass at the Valet.

What?

Everything all right with y'all?

Yeah. Ruby, that was no big deal.

I don't need Dre fighting for me.

Oh, but you do.

See, this is primal, caveman stuff.

Listen, I think Dre and I are way more evolved than that.

Please.

Don't you remember why you fell for him in the first place?

Give me the mustard. I'm using it.

Not anymore. [Screams]

Hey!

Hey, hey, hey, hey,

brothers, brothers, brothers, brothers!

All right? We all in the same game.

You all right?

Hey.

I'm Dre.

Rainbow.

He made those guys apologize.

Oh, it was amazing.

Oh, my God.

I'm a cavewoman!

See? There's no such thing as evolution.

I don't know why they teach that foolishness in the schools.

[Scoffs]

My lips, two blushing pilgrims,

ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.

I'm not doing this.

Actually, your line is, "for saints have hands

that pilgrims' hands do touch," and then we touch palms.

Go ahead. Touch my palms.

Dude.

No.

[Sighs]

Help me out.

Let lips do what hands do.

Grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.

Seriously?

This feels right to you?

So, Jack and Diane were getting attached to the idea

of Ruby and pops together,

and to be honest, it was making me nervous.

This is me and your grandmother on a boat today.

Wow. Wow.

Oh, check this out.

We saw a whale.

You look so happy together!

I know. We are happy.

Are you guys gonna get married?

You should get married on a whale.

Oh, yeah, that would be magical.

Uh-huh.

I think I hear an ice cream truck.

[Scoffs] I don't hear it.

Do you really want to take that chance?

[Exhales deeply]

Pops, what's going on with this mess with you and moms, man?

It's not a mess, son. It's a dance. It's a beautiful dance.

Honestly, when things are good with me and your mama, I never feel more alive.

- Until she tries to kill you. - Well, then I feel lucky to be alive.

Told you... it's a dance.

Don't worry about my business. Mind yours.

Your wife is grilling steaks, hanging flat-screens.

You are in trouble, son.

Yeah, I am, aren't I?

Pops, look, I don't even know how to turn this around.

Well, why don't you try reminding her of why she was attracted

- to an idiot like you in the first place? - Hey.

[Gasps] Aah! Hey!

[Indistinct shouting]

Brothers, brothers, brothers, stop the violence! Stop the violence!

Man, we all in the same game.

Man, get your hands off of me!

[Men grunting]

Oh, hey. How you doing?

Good. I'm Dre.

Hmm. Even I fell a little bit in love with me that day.

Then be that guy.

Or don't.

Look, Bow hung that television at the exact right height,

not too high, like the one you hung in my room,

neck all hurting after "Scandal."

[Scoffs]

Maybe pops was right.

I need to check out "Scandal."

Oh, and I also need to fix things with Bow.

I knew just what I had to do.

- Dre. - Hmm?

What are we doing in this neighborhood?

Please tell me you are not gonna buy me another fake purse.

I've never bought you a fake purse.

- Dre. - Hmm?

You know that "Chanel" has one "N," right?

- I do now. - Mm-hmm.

- Wait. Larry's? - Uh-huh.

- Babe. - What?

You do not need to do this.

Hey, hey, hey, babe, I don't know what you're talking about.

I just want to get me a dangerous chili dog.

Mm-kay. [Chuckles]

Oh, hey, baby, stay close.

- Turn your ring around. - What?

- Turn... turn your ring around. - Okay, okay. Okay.

Hey, hey, hey, bro.

We were here, all right? There's a line!

Respect the line 'cause I got nothing to lose.

Nothing!

Oh, my God.

I just needed some napkins. Things are greasy.

Yeah, okay.

Got you some wet-naps, too.

Dre, uh, can we order now?

You know what, baby? You order first.

I'm gonna keep my eye on old boy over there

'cause, you know, sometimes that napkin thing can be a trick.

Ah, okay.

All right. Look, here he come.

- Okay. Oh, God. Oh, boy. - Hey, bro. What up?!

Okay.

I think you dropped a $20.

Oh.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thanks.

- Let's go, baby. This place is too tame. - Okay.

You made your point. Can we go home?

Uh-huh, sure we can...

As soon as I turn down this alley!

Wait, Dre! No, Dre!

Aah! Something could happen to me down here!

Dre, don't do this!

Dre! I know you're brave!

Dre!

[Dog barking in distance]

[Screams] Run!

- Run! - What?

Run!

[Dog barking] Ugh! Don't bite me!

Don't bite me!

Don't bite...

Oh, damn, I'm gonna die.

Girl: Pickles! Come here, Pickles!

Don't bite me! Leave me alone!

There you are.

- Oh, God. - I'm sorry, sir. She loves giving kisses.

Look, Dre. Pickles loves giving kisses.

[Whimpers]

Don't leave me like this, Pickles.

Finish me off.

[Whimpering]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Ooh. Baby, that peroxide stings.

What is that, medical-grade?

It's just water.

Oh, God. Even water's punking me.

Oh, Dre, you need to stop this.

- Me? - Yeah.

You're the one who can barely look at me

- since the Valet thing. - [Sighs] I know.

Now, I'm not proud of my reaction.

I mean, I am an evolved woman with multiple degrees,

but there is just this primal part of me

that really wanted you to take that guy out.

And it's killing me that I didn't.

Hey, before we were married,

I would have been the first guy to jump into a fight.

- Mm-hmm. - But I can't now.

I've got too much to lose...

You, the kids, my "s" [Gasps] class.

Ow.

Baby, I want you to know that if anything or anyone

ever really threatened you or the kids,

there's nothing that I wouldn't do to protect you.

I know that.

And I wouldn't want you to go back to being the person

that would fight two guys over mustard.

Two guys? More like six or seven.

Or... two.

Two big guys.

Or teenage boys.

Teenage ex-cons, all right?

- Maybe. Yes. - Hmm?

I... they had a lot of tattoos.

- And piercings. - Yes. Of course.

And... okay, yeah. Okay?

Hey, mom. Hey, dad.

- Dre: Hey. - Hey, babies.

Ooh, how was your day with grandma and pops?

- It was awesome! - Yeah?

It was confusing.

We went to an ice-cream store.

Where pops told grandma

he wished she'd get run over by a big rig.

- What? - What?

That's not exactly what I said, now.

Oh!

Oh, I hope you get run over by a big rig!

I hope it keeps going after it hits you!

Take me, big rig.

Take me away from this sorry excuse for a man!

But then they made up.

It was fun.

But confusing.

Hey, kids, go get ready for dinner.

Okay.

Give me that shirt, sugar. Let me get that stain out for you.

All right, miss Ruby. [Chuckles]

You two are doing it again.

Doing what?

Dragging everybody into your mess.

Pops, this has to end now.

You know, I put braces on them teeth.

Be a shame if I have to knock them out.

Now, you watch your tone. I'm still your father, son.

Yeah, and I'm their father, pops.

I don't want my children going through what I went through

over and over,

thinking you two were getting back together

only to have my heart broken.

And then to testify in court

about my mama's secret stash of boat dynamite.

- Not happening! - Boy, let me tell you something.

No, no, let me tell you something.

End it now or leave my damn house.

I need something out of my trunk.

Hey, you gonna let little Andre punk you like that?

'Course he is.

Old soft man can't even stand up to his own son.

Wash your own damn shirt!

And you.

Me? What?

Get a mirror.

Welcome back, real Ruby!

- [Notorious B.I.G.'S "Big Poppa" playing] - Babe.

[Sighs]

- Look, babe, I know I was harsh, but... - You were incredible.

I was?

Yes!

Standing up to pops like that, looking out for our kids.

Ooh!

Oh, you liked that, huh?

Oh, I liked that. I liked that.

Oh, yeah, I've been meaning to talk to him

about some other things... paying rent,

parking his car too far to the left on the drive...

- [Inhales sharply] Ohh! - Mowing the lawn every Sunday.

You gonna talk to him about his drinking?

No, I'm not gonna talk to him about that.

No. Mnh-mnh.

- Don't do that. - No.

- Baby. - Hmm?

Want to go upstairs?

We better hurry before pops comes back.

You know, he could be grabbing a tire iron

or grabbing a ham... I never know.

- Let's go, baby. Come on! - [Laughing] Okay!

Law of attraction works in mysterious ways.

I didn't need to be the caveman I was 20 years ago.

I'm a cave dad now.

[Car alarm chirps, tires screech]

Here's to my love.

[Chair squeaking]

Oh, true apothecary [Gasps]

Thy drugs are quick.

[Shudders]

Thus, with a kiss... I die.

Can't you see other people trying to enjoy the show?

Can't you see all those other seats you could be sitting in?

When are you just gonna stop waking up in the morning?

Question I asked myself every day when I was married to you.

Hearing them snipe like this was music to my ears.

The love affair was over... for now.

Jack and Diane seemed no worse for wear,

and there was only a small fire.

[Laughs maniacally]

Whoo!

Hey, baby.

Hey.

Who's your understudy?

Wait for it.

Yea, noise?

Then I'll be brief.

O happy dagger, this is thy sheath.

[Groans]

There rust...

And let me... die.

[Cheers and applause] [Laughing Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Yeah!

That was incredible!

Junior!

Oh, my God!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Seriously?

This feels right to you?

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