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1
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You got me? You got me, Zoey?
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He-e-e-e-y! Merry Christmas!
3
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Dre: I love Christmas.
4
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And I especially love
Christmas traditions...
5
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the presents, the stockings,
6
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my mom cooking her amazing
Christmas Eve dinner,
7
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Bow resenting the hell
8
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out of my mom's amazing
Christmas Eve dinner,
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and me giving my kids
10
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all the Christmas bells
and whistles I never had.
11
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But in the midst of all the festivities,
12
00:00:28,454 --> 00:00:32,356
I never want my kids to forget
the true meaning of Christmas
13
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and the man this day is really about...
14
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Santa.
15
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Santa was the first white man I ever loved.
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Followed by a close second, Terry Bradshaw.
17
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But back to Santa.
18
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I love Santa so much
19
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because I never got to
believe in him as a kid.
20
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Look what Santa brought me, Daddy!
21
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Unh-unh!
You better get out of here with that.
22
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That was from me and your daddy.
23
00:00:54,180 --> 00:00:58,482
You think some fat white man
showed up on Jesus' birthday
24
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and gave you those full-priced socks?
25
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Ha! I don't think so.
26
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But no matter how hard they tried...
27
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or didn't try at all...no parent can ever beat Santa,
28
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because Santa is Christmas.
29
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Ho, ho, ho!
30
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And at the Stevens & Lido Christmas party,
31
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Santa is and always has been Fred Garner.
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364 days a year,
Fred is a low-level account manager
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with a high-level meat intake.
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But one day a year,
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Fred becomes a hero to
every child at the party
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because he's Santa.
37
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And Santa's the man.
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- Dre: So, we're on for Tuesday?
- Josh: Mm-hmm.
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Hey. Hey. What do you think, Fred?
40
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[Thud]
41
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But not that man, because he's dead.
42
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- Sync and corrected by TheDelta -
- www.addic7ed.com -
43
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I mean, who'd be a better Santa than me?
44
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I'm fun, I'm love kids,
45
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and everybody at work is like family to me.
46
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Hey, how's everybody taking Fred's death?
47
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How am I supposed to know?
48
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First of all,
Christmas is about Jesus, not Santa.
49
00:02:02,947 --> 00:02:05,281
And second, leave Santa to the white folks.
50
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Let's get a black James Bond first.
51
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Idris Elba.
52
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[British accent] Hennessy... Shaken,
not stirred.
53
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Ooh! Ooh!
54
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Calm down, all right?
55
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Look, Stevens & Lido needs a black Santa.
56
00:02:19,497 --> 00:02:22,938
I mean, everybody at the office
invites an adopt-a-family to the party,
57
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for most of these kids, the only Santa
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they've ever known has
been some random white guy.
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This is my opportunity to show these kids
60
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that Santa can look like them.
61
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Mm-hmm.
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How can Santa look like a kid?
63
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Santa looks like Santa.
64
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Of... Course, baby.
65
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Santa looks just like Santa.
66
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Yep, because there's only one Santa.
67
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But Daddy wants to be
one of Santa's helpers.
68
00:02:43,637 --> 00:02:47,773
But we'll still get our presents
from the real Santa, right?
69
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The white one.
70
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- Yeah.
- Yeah.
71
00:02:53,447 --> 00:02:55,447
Now, now.
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At some point, everyone has to move on.
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So here we go.
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Oh! Dre!
75
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[Voice breaking] It's so unfair!
76
00:03:02,723 --> 00:03:04,623
Oh. Ooh. [Chuckles]
77
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Okay.
78
00:03:05,859 --> 00:03:07,492
[Sighs] Uh-huh.
79
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Finally getting rid of her, huh?
80
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Good call.
81
00:03:12,166 --> 00:03:13,198
- Angelica?
- Mm-hmm.
82
00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:15,967
God, no. She is an H.R. Genius.
83
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She's saved me millions.
84
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I had no idea I wasn't allowed to say
"sugar tush."
85
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But...
86
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okay, well, why was she crying?
87
00:03:24,145 --> 00:03:25,811
She's upset about Fred. We all are.
88
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Oh, right... Fred.
89
00:03:28,316 --> 00:03:30,549
Yeah. Makes you think.
90
00:03:30,551 --> 00:03:32,885
So, anyway, the Christmas party's coming up,
91
00:03:32,887 --> 00:03:35,821
and I know you must be
thinking about the new Santa.
92
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God, Dre. Fred's not even in the ground.
93
00:03:37,725 --> 00:03:39,425
Oh. Though he will be in an hour.
94
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You coming to the funeral?
95
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People are doing that?
96
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And I will pick a Santa when I get back.
97
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Lot of choices.
98
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Look at all those fat bastards.
99
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You know everyone you're looking at is white,
right?
100
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Are they?
101
00:03:52,306 --> 00:03:54,373
You know, I-I don't see color.
102
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Oh.
103
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I'm kidding. [Laughs]
104
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Can you imagine?
105
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- Yeah.
- [Chuckles]
106
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Oh, wait. Mr. Stevens?
107
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All I'm saying is that
when it comes to Santa,
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keep an opened mind, hey,
don't be afraid to think outside the box.
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I can't wait to make you
my Christmas Eve dinner.
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I'll cook all your favorite foods.
111
00:04:13,628 --> 00:04:17,329
Oh, grandma works her fingers
to the bone every year
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for you babies. [Chuckles]
113
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And tonight, I'll make the glaze
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for my juicy Christmas Eve ham.
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Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
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[Chuckles] Oh, yeah.
117
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You look about the size of a ham.
118
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You careful I don't put you in the oven.
119
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[Gasps] I love when
you put me in the oven!
120
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Put me in the oven!
121
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Me too!
122
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I mean... I'm too old for that stuff.
123
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But I'll go in if you want me to.
124
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Rainbow: Hey, I have an idea.
125
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Maybe this year,
I could cook Christmas Eve dinner.
126
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But grandma always cooks.
127
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Always.
128
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Every time.
129
00:04:49,964 --> 00:04:51,697
We love it so much.
130
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I-I know. I mean, grandma's the best.
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And she tells me.
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A lot.
133
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And everybody tells her, a lot.
134
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So, I was thinking it would be really fun
135
00:05:01,342 --> 00:05:05,611
if maybe this year,
you guys tell me how great I am.
136
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A-after we try some of
my family's traditions.
137
00:05:09,283 --> 00:05:11,417
Ruby: Well, now, that sounds good,
138
00:05:11,419 --> 00:05:14,753
but seeing that your swirly
parents are in a cult,
139
00:05:14,755 --> 00:05:17,523
your traditions may not jibe
140
00:05:17,525 --> 00:05:22,428
with our Judeo-Christian,
human, Christmas beliefs.
141
00:05:22,430 --> 00:05:25,531
Okay, my parents are not in a cult.
142
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Anymore.
143
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But that is... that's not the point.
144
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Because I have some really good ideas, too.
145
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I can be fun.
146
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I'm gonna chop you up,
147
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put you on a cookie sheet,
148
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and shove you in the oven!
149
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Aaah!
150
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It's scary when you do it.
151
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So, if I was going to win the Santa account,
152
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I had to come up with a great pitch.
153
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People used to think that the
President of the United States
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could only be white...
155
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George Washington...
156
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John Adams...
157
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Thomas Jefferson...
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James Madison...
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James Monroe...
160
00:06:00,534 --> 00:06:01,900
John Quincy Adams...
161
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damn it, Charlie, I said "a few presidents,"
162
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not "every president"!
163
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What? You want to sleep on my man
Chester Arthur's whole naval reform?
164
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[Chuckling] That mess was off the chain.
165
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Look, man, my point is,
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the White House was just that... white.
167
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Until one man broke through
and gave my people hope.
168
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Dennis Haysbert in "24."
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Here's another man that
people assume should be white.
170
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But I ask you, what is the color of joy?
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A child's smile?
172
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This year, let Stevens & Lido pave the way,
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and show the children the new face of Santa.
174
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Oh! Josh: Mm!
175
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That's what I'm talking about.
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That was beautiful. You're gonna nail Santa.
177
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Terrible choice of words.
178
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Oh. They're back.
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I got to go hit Stevens up.
180
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Hey. Cue that back up.
181
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Mr. Stevens.
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Stevens: Oh, hey, Dre. Listen.
183
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I've been mulling over what you said
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about thinking outside the box.
185
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Really? Really? That's great.
186
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Everyone, I am very proud to announce
187
00:07:01,929 --> 00:07:05,064
Stevens & Lido's brand-new Santa...
188
00:07:05,066 --> 00:07:06,665
[Taps on glass]
189
00:07:06,667 --> 00:07:08,100
Angelica Rodriguez!
190
00:07:08,102 --> 00:07:10,536
[Laughing] Oh, my God!
191
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[Applause]
192
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What a surprise!
193
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Wait. What?
194
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Mexican female Santa?
195
00:07:16,677 --> 00:07:19,078
No! Too far from the box!
196
00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:21,680
Get closer! Closer to the box!
197
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When I was a little girl, my mom
used to dress me and my sisters up
198
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as the Three Wise Women and we would sing
"o little town of Bethlehem."
199
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Why? Was she a drinker?
200
00:07:33,394 --> 00:07:34,593
No, we loved it!
201
00:07:34,595 --> 00:07:37,763
And you guys are gonna dress up as elves
202
00:07:37,765 --> 00:07:39,698
and sing at Dad's office party.
203
00:07:39,700 --> 00:07:41,534
And then we're gonna come back here
204
00:07:41,536 --> 00:07:43,769
and we're gonna have my
Christmas Eve dinner.
205
00:07:43,771 --> 00:07:46,238
But we love grandma's
ham and grandma's Greens
206
00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:48,407
and grandma's sweet potato pie.
207
00:07:48,409 --> 00:07:52,678
Yes, but just wait until
you try mama's roast turkey
208
00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:56,682
and mama's creamed spinach
and mama's pumpkin pie.
209
00:07:56,684 --> 00:07:57,716
Who's mama?
210
00:07:57,718 --> 00:07:59,785
Me! I'm mama!
211
00:07:59,787 --> 00:08:02,922
It'll be nice.
You guys will try something different.
212
00:08:02,924 --> 00:08:04,490
We don't like different.
213
00:08:04,492 --> 00:08:05,624
We like the same.
214
00:08:05,626 --> 00:08:07,259
Go do your homework.
215
00:08:07,261 --> 00:08:08,260
Bye, mama.
216
00:08:08,262 --> 00:08:09,295
G...
217
00:08:10,797 --> 00:08:14,300
you know, Rainbow,
you're too hard on the kids.
218
00:08:14,302 --> 00:08:19,772
If I didn't know you were mixed,
I'd swear you were Chinese.
219
00:08:19,774 --> 00:08:21,640
Ruby! That's racist!
220
00:08:21,642 --> 00:08:23,809
Black people can't be racist.
221
00:08:23,811 --> 00:08:25,678
I was robbed by a damn Mexican!
222
00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:27,313
See? Totally acceptable.
223
00:08:27,315 --> 00:08:28,414
What happened, Dre?
224
00:08:28,416 --> 00:08:30,716
I opened Stevens' mind so wide
225
00:08:30,718 --> 00:08:33,452
that he chose a Mexican lady Santa!
226
00:08:33,454 --> 00:08:35,821
A female Santa? Very exciting.
227
00:08:35,823 --> 00:08:38,791
Of course you'd think it is,
miss "I campaigned for Hillary."
228
00:08:38,793 --> 00:08:40,826
I went to one fundraiser, Dre.
229
00:08:40,828 --> 00:08:43,262
- That you hosted.
- Co-hosted!
230
00:08:43,264 --> 00:08:46,632
Anyway, I don't have a problem
with a woman being Santa,
231
00:08:46,634 --> 00:08:48,500
other than it being insane.
232
00:08:48,502 --> 00:08:49,635
But a Mexican?
233
00:08:49,637 --> 00:08:50,803
Wait... are you serious?
234
00:08:50,805 --> 00:08:52,805
Are you saying a Mexican can't be Santa?
235
00:08:52,807 --> 00:08:54,873
No way, Jos?! Not yet!
236
00:08:54,875 --> 00:08:56,408
We've been waiting longer.
237
00:08:56,410 --> 00:09:00,779
My mama's right, there's supposed to be
a black Santa before a Mexican Santa.
238
00:09:00,781 --> 00:09:02,314
It's just like the presidency...
239
00:09:02,316 --> 00:09:03,816
white president, black president,
240
00:09:03,818 --> 00:09:05,251
Mexican president, gay.
241
00:09:05,253 --> 00:09:08,754
White Santa, black Santa, Mexican Santa...
242
00:09:08,756 --> 00:09:09,855
Thunderdome.
243
00:09:09,857 --> 00:09:12,024
Mexicans can't be jumping the line.
244
00:09:12,026 --> 00:09:15,761
It's bad enough they started
taking black people's jobs
245
00:09:15,763 --> 00:09:18,264
with sneaky tricks like... like... like...
246
00:09:18,266 --> 00:09:20,799
like working harder for less pay.
247
00:09:20,801 --> 00:09:24,470
Okay, now, that is racist and insane.
248
00:09:24,472 --> 00:09:26,438
Black people can't be racist.
249
00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:29,608
Oh, my God! I'm living in a nightmare!
250
00:09:35,682 --> 00:09:36,949
Okay, we need a plan.
251
00:09:36,951 --> 00:09:39,318
Yeah, son. We got your back, playa.
252
00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:40,519
Bros befo...
253
00:09:40,521 --> 00:09:41,387
get out.
254
00:09:41,389 --> 00:09:42,454
No, no, no, no. Please?
255
00:09:42,456 --> 00:09:44,023
Can I stay if I'm just super-quiet?
256
00:09:44,025 --> 00:09:45,724
I want to be part of this so bad.
257
00:09:45,726 --> 00:09:46,959
I don't know.
258
00:09:46,961 --> 00:09:49,395
Maybe I should just go talk to Angelica.
259
00:09:49,397 --> 00:09:54,667
All we got to do is plant
some cocaine in her desk.
260
00:09:54,669 --> 00:09:56,769
Charlie! She could get fired for that.
261
00:09:58,972 --> 00:10:02,041
I got to go take care of something...
unrelated.
262
00:10:04,878 --> 00:10:10,416
Together: [Off-key] merry,
merry, merry Christmas
263
00:10:10,418 --> 00:10:12,384
Okay. It's not bad.
264
00:10:12,386 --> 00:10:14,520
Mom, we suck.
265
00:10:14,522 --> 00:10:16,955
Let grandma sing. She has the best voice.
266
00:10:16,957 --> 00:10:18,590
- Yeah.
- Ruby: Oh, no, thank you, baby.
267
00:10:18,592 --> 00:10:19,992
I wouldn't want to get in the way
268
00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:22,428
of your mom's strange, new traditions
269
00:10:22,430 --> 00:10:24,396
with my old, beautiful voice.
270
00:10:24,398 --> 00:10:26,899
Okay. We're gonna start from the top.
271
00:10:26,901 --> 00:10:29,468
Together:
[Off-key] hark how the bells
272
00:10:29,470 --> 00:10:31,370
Sweet silver bells
273
00:10:31,372 --> 00:10:33,505
All seem to say
274
00:10:33,507 --> 00:10:34,840
Throw cares away
275
00:10:34,842 --> 00:10:35,874
Okay, stop.
276
00:10:35,876 --> 00:10:37,376
- Christmas is here
- Stop!
277
00:10:37,378 --> 00:10:38,610
We are in trouble, okay?
278
00:10:38,612 --> 00:10:40,412
And I don't want to point fingers,
279
00:10:40,414 --> 00:10:42,114
but you guys are not great.
280
00:10:44,819 --> 00:10:48,087
You got a minute to talk
about that whole Santa thing?
281
00:10:48,089 --> 00:10:50,856
It's exciting, isn't it?
Dream come true for me.
282
00:10:50,858 --> 00:10:54,660
Really? You know,
Fred said it was a thankless nightmare.
283
00:10:54,662 --> 00:10:56,662
You know, peeing kids, pushy parents.
284
00:10:56,664 --> 00:10:59,131
Dre, I get it... you want to be Santa.
285
00:10:59,133 --> 00:11:00,966
Pfft! No.
286
00:11:00,968 --> 00:11:03,435
Hey,
was that the vibe that I was giving off?
287
00:11:03,437 --> 00:11:06,105
It's just that,
I was the one who hooked up Stevens & Lido
288
00:11:06,107 --> 00:11:08,107
with this whole adopt-a family program,
289
00:11:08,109 --> 00:11:09,942
and I've loved working behind the scenes,
290
00:11:09,944 --> 00:11:13,579
but this year, I get to put on that suit
291
00:11:13,581 --> 00:11:17,850
and greet all of those children with a hearty
"ho, ho-ho!"
292
00:11:19,786 --> 00:11:22,020
Dre,
I promised Angelica that she could be Santa
293
00:11:22,022 --> 00:11:23,689
over the grave of a man I love.
294
00:11:23,691 --> 00:11:25,424
Now, I am not changing my mind.
295
00:11:25,426 --> 00:11:28,627
Excuse me. Uh,
could you do your Santa laugh one more time?
296
00:11:28,629 --> 00:11:30,562
"Ho, ho-ho!"
297
00:11:30,564 --> 00:11:31,897
You're out.
298
00:11:31,899 --> 00:11:33,565
Dre, you're the new Santa.
299
00:11:33,567 --> 00:11:35,000
Yes!
300
00:11:36,404 --> 00:11:39,705
Babe? How'd did you get
the job from Angelica?
301
00:11:39,707 --> 00:11:41,573
I did what I had to do.
302
00:11:41,575 --> 00:11:44,076
Oh, dear God.
Please tell me you didn't kill her.
303
00:11:44,078 --> 00:11:46,011
Hey, I saved the day, baby.
304
00:11:46,013 --> 00:11:49,515
Look, these kids came this close
to getting an incompetent Santa.
305
00:11:49,517 --> 00:11:51,450
Ooh. Check out my fat suit.
306
00:11:51,452 --> 00:11:53,552
It's gonna transform my fit body
307
00:11:53,554 --> 00:11:55,988
into a jolly wonderland for children.
308
00:11:55,990 --> 00:11:58,090
Terrible choice of words.
309
00:11:58,092 --> 00:11:59,191
[Scoffs] Hater.
310
00:11:59,193 --> 00:12:00,926
[Sniffing]
311
00:12:00,928 --> 00:12:01,994
What?
312
00:12:01,996 --> 00:12:03,061
Why do you smell like turkey?
313
00:12:03,063 --> 00:12:05,697
Oh, I had a brining accident.
314
00:12:05,699 --> 00:12:06,999
No! Come back!
315
00:12:07,001 --> 00:12:08,167
Oh, God!
316
00:12:08,169 --> 00:12:09,168
Mom-fail.
317
00:12:09,170 --> 00:12:10,702
[Singsong voice] Worldstar!
318
00:12:10,704 --> 00:12:12,104
[Sighs] God.
319
00:12:12,106 --> 00:12:13,839
Why were you even making a turkey?
320
00:12:13,841 --> 00:12:15,107
For Christmas Eve dinner.
321
00:12:15,109 --> 00:12:18,444
Babe, my mom does Christmas Eve.
322
00:12:18,446 --> 00:12:19,878
Not this year, okay?
323
00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:21,847
I'm so sick of it being all about your mom.
324
00:12:21,849 --> 00:12:22,981
I'm cooking.
325
00:12:22,983 --> 00:12:25,784
I'm putting my stank on Christmas.
326
00:12:25,786 --> 00:12:27,186
What? When did that happen?
327
00:12:27,188 --> 00:12:28,687
Dre, I told you, like, five times,
328
00:12:28,689 --> 00:12:30,556
and you said it sounded like a good idea.
329
00:12:30,558 --> 00:12:31,857
Were you even listening to me?
330
00:12:31,859 --> 00:12:32,891
I was.
331
00:12:32,893 --> 00:12:34,593
Santa, Santa, Santa.
332
00:12:34,595 --> 00:12:36,728
Santa, Santa, Santa-Santa.
333
00:12:36,730 --> 00:12:37,729
Santa.
334
00:12:37,731 --> 00:12:39,031
Sounds good.
335
00:12:39,033 --> 00:12:41,600
Dre, I could really use a little support.
336
00:12:41,602 --> 00:12:44,903
Uh, well, Bow,
I could really use some support, okay?
337
00:12:44,905 --> 00:12:48,574
Why don't you use your legs and
help me get into this outfit?
338
00:12:48,576 --> 00:12:49,608
Come on. All right.
339
00:12:49,610 --> 00:12:50,843
My butt. Push up on my butt.
340
00:12:50,845 --> 00:12:52,508
[Laughing] I'm coming. I'm coming.
341
00:12:52,608 --> 00:12:53,640
- Ready?
- Yeah, I'm ready.
342
00:12:53,642 --> 00:12:54,310
[Both grunt]
343
00:12:54,410 --> 00:12:56,176
So, it was Christmas Eve
344
00:12:56,178 --> 00:12:58,612
and the Stevens & Lido party.
345
00:12:58,614 --> 00:13:00,614
I was nervous for Bow, but luckily,
346
00:13:00,616 --> 00:13:03,250
she had a plan to help
our tone-deaf kids shine.
347
00:13:03,252 --> 00:13:05,485
We're gonna get dirty with it.
348
00:13:06,621 --> 00:13:09,923
[Auto-tuned] hark how the bells,
sweet silver bells
349
00:13:09,925 --> 00:13:12,593
- Ooh, yeah
- All seem to say "throw cares away"
350
00:13:12,595 --> 00:13:16,296
Christmas is here,
bringing good cheer
351
00:13:16,298 --> 00:13:19,433
To young and old, meek and the bold
352
00:13:19,435 --> 00:13:22,102
Dingdong, dingdong,
that is their song
353
00:13:22,104 --> 00:13:24,972
With joyful ring, all caroling
354
00:13:24,974 --> 00:13:28,008
One seems to hear
words of good cheer
355
00:13:28,010 --> 00:13:30,911
From everywhere, filling the air
356
00:13:30,913 --> 00:13:34,214
Zoey and junior: merry, merry,
merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas
357
00:13:34,216 --> 00:13:37,017
Jack and Diane: merry, merry, merry,
merry, merry, merry Christmas
358
00:13:37,919 --> 00:13:41,154
- Yay! Yeah!
- [Cheers and applause]
359
00:13:41,156 --> 00:13:42,522
So good!
360
00:13:42,524 --> 00:13:43,957
Oh, my God!
361
00:13:43,959 --> 00:13:46,460
- Oh, my God! That was amazing!
- [Laughs]
362
00:13:46,462 --> 00:13:48,328
I'm so proud of you!
363
00:13:48,330 --> 00:13:50,597
Oh, gosh! That was so good!
364
00:13:50,599 --> 00:13:53,133
Now can we go have grandma's food?
365
00:13:53,135 --> 00:13:56,270
No, baby. Everything's cooked.
We're having my dinner.
366
00:13:56,272 --> 00:13:57,571
[Cries]
367
00:13:57,573 --> 00:13:59,072
Junior: Pull it together, buddy.
368
00:13:59,074 --> 00:14:02,209
Christmas isn't about
getting everything we want.
369
00:14:02,211 --> 00:14:03,944
Or anything we want.
370
00:14:03,946 --> 00:14:04,945
It's about mom.
371
00:14:04,947 --> 00:14:07,214
- N... what?
- Okay.
372
00:14:07,216 --> 00:14:08,649
[Sighs]
373
00:14:08,651 --> 00:14:11,084
Sweetheart, I... s...
374
00:14:11,086 --> 00:14:13,587
oh, my God. What have I done?
I've ruined their Christmas.
375
00:14:13,589 --> 00:14:16,089
Now, now. You made one bad choice.
376
00:14:16,091 --> 00:14:18,625
One terrible, terrible choice.
377
00:14:18,627 --> 00:14:19,626
I said, "I know."
378
00:14:19,628 --> 00:14:21,094
What can I do, Ruby?
379
00:14:21,096 --> 00:14:23,163
Well, dinner's not for three hours.
380
00:14:23,165 --> 00:14:24,431
Maybe it's not too late
381
00:14:24,433 --> 00:14:27,634
for grandma to cook up
a Christmas Eve miracle.
382
00:14:27,636 --> 00:14:31,038
No. No, no. You won't help me.
You'd just slow me down.
383
00:14:31,040 --> 00:14:32,272
Okay.
384
00:14:32,274 --> 00:14:33,707
All right. Settle down, everybody.
385
00:14:33,709 --> 00:14:35,375
We've got somebody pretty exciting.
386
00:14:35,377 --> 00:14:36,543
- [Sleigh bells jingling]
- What's that I hear?
387
00:14:36,545 --> 00:14:38,078
Ooh. Sleigh bells, baby! [Chuckles]
388
00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:40,247
- Ring!
- Definitely not sirens.
389
00:14:40,249 --> 00:14:42,182
'Cause I got that stuff out my desk.
390
00:14:42,184 --> 00:14:45,519
All right. Now, put 'em
together for my main man...
391
00:14:45,521 --> 00:14:48,221
Santa [Bleep] claus!
392
00:14:48,223 --> 00:14:49,489
- Ohh.
- [Feedback, children gasp]
393
00:14:49,491 --> 00:14:50,958
Santa claus, kids.
394
00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:52,225
Kids.
395
00:14:52,227 --> 00:14:53,560
[Chuckles] Huh?
396
00:14:53,562 --> 00:14:54,628
[Chanting] San-ta!
397
00:14:54,630 --> 00:14:58,332
All: San-ta! San-ta! San-ta!
398
00:14:58,334 --> 00:15:01,034
Ho, ho, ho!
399
00:15:01,036 --> 00:15:02,936
Merry Christmas!
400
00:15:02,938 --> 00:15:05,372
I see a lot of little
boys and girls out there.
401
00:15:05,374 --> 00:15:07,174
Hey, have you been good?
402
00:15:07,176 --> 00:15:09,476
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
403
00:15:09,478 --> 00:15:13,013
Unh-unh. I said, "have you been good?"
404
00:15:13,015 --> 00:15:14,247
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
405
00:15:14,249 --> 00:15:17,451
All right, then it's time for some presents!
406
00:15:17,453 --> 00:15:19,319
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
407
00:15:19,321 --> 00:15:21,121
Uh...
408
00:15:21,123 --> 00:15:25,392
I said, "it's time for some presents!"
409
00:15:25,394 --> 00:15:27,594
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
410
00:15:27,596 --> 00:15:29,096
Did I forget to tell you
411
00:15:29,098 --> 00:15:31,131
that Santa's in charge of the toy drive?
412
00:15:31,133 --> 00:15:33,633
Um... Yes, you did.
413
00:15:33,635 --> 00:15:35,402
Oh, wow. [Chuckles]
414
00:15:35,404 --> 00:15:37,704
'Cause if I did that,
that would make you look like
415
00:15:37,706 --> 00:15:39,639
a complete and total real-life jackass.
416
00:15:39,641 --> 00:15:41,274
- Dre?
- Huh?
417
00:15:41,276 --> 00:15:43,110
Have you ruined Christmas?
418
00:15:43,112 --> 00:15:44,077
Uh...
419
00:15:44,079 --> 00:15:46,013
Yes, sir, he has.
420
00:15:46,015 --> 00:15:47,014
Ho, ho, ho.
421
00:15:47,016 --> 00:15:49,449
You could have just told me.
422
00:15:49,451 --> 00:15:51,284
Okay.
423
00:15:51,286 --> 00:15:54,321
Boys and girls, I am so sorry to say,
424
00:15:54,323 --> 00:15:57,157
but there'll be no presents tonight.
425
00:15:57,159 --> 00:15:58,492
[Children gasp]
426
00:15:58,494 --> 00:16:00,360
But please, enjoy the raw bar.
427
00:16:00,362 --> 00:16:01,461
No toys?
428
00:16:01,463 --> 00:16:03,797
This never happened with white Santa!
429
00:16:07,605 --> 00:16:10,605
So, now only that I'd become
the first black Santa,
430
00:16:10,630 --> 00:16:14,430
I also managed to become
the worst black Santa...
431
00:16:14,530 --> 00:16:16,997
or, for that matter,the worst Santa of any color.
432
00:16:16,999 --> 00:16:18,098
I'm sorry.
433
00:16:18,100 --> 00:16:20,534
But Santa had a secret weapon...
434
00:16:20,536 --> 00:16:22,703
four happy elves.
435
00:16:22,705 --> 00:16:25,105
All right, elves. Let's go. It's game time.
436
00:16:25,107 --> 00:16:26,707
Will this day not end?
437
00:16:26,709 --> 00:16:29,576
Look, I need your help. Okay? I blew it.
438
00:16:29,578 --> 00:16:32,012
I was so excited about being Santa
439
00:16:32,014 --> 00:16:34,181
that I forgot what Santa was really about.
440
00:16:34,183 --> 00:16:36,717
It's not about what I look like
in this suit and this beard...
441
00:16:36,719 --> 00:16:39,720
even though I do look pretty fly.
442
00:16:39,722 --> 00:16:42,522
You peep these sideburns?
You see how they lay down?
443
00:16:42,524 --> 00:16:43,557
Diane: Daddy.
444
00:16:43,559 --> 00:16:46,026
Weren't you trying to make a point?
445
00:16:46,028 --> 00:16:51,164
Santa is about children and
bringing them joy and hope!
446
00:16:51,166 --> 00:16:52,299
And presents.
447
00:16:52,301 --> 00:16:53,300
And presents!
448
00:16:53,302 --> 00:16:54,701
Damn! What is wrong with me?
449
00:16:54,703 --> 00:16:55,702
Come on! Let's go!
450
00:16:55,704 --> 00:17:00,140
It wasn't about black
Santa versus Mexican Santa.
451
00:17:00,142 --> 00:17:02,743
It was about stepping
up and just being Santa.
452
00:17:02,745 --> 00:17:06,013
Hey, I felt bad. I wanted to help.
453
00:17:06,015 --> 00:17:07,047
Oh!
454
00:17:07,049 --> 00:17:08,348
Hey, why aren't you cooking?
455
00:17:08,350 --> 00:17:11,118
Oh, uh... [Clears throat]
I'm just taking a break.
456
00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:13,053
My shoulders are all knotted up
457
00:17:13,055 --> 00:17:16,428
from all that kneading and
chopping an Christmas save it,
458
00:17:16,528 --> 00:17:18,525
you go on back to the party.
Now, go on back to the party.
459
00:17:18,527 --> 00:17:19,760
[Clattering]
460
00:17:19,762 --> 00:17:21,762
What is that? Is there someone here?
461
00:17:21,764 --> 00:17:23,697
Wait, no! It... it's nobody. It's nobody.
462
00:17:23,699 --> 00:17:24,731
I-I-it's... I've...
463
00:17:24,733 --> 00:17:26,466
I've taken a lover!
464
00:17:26,468 --> 00:17:28,035
Oh... Ruby, get out of the way.
465
00:17:28,037 --> 00:17:30,604
Unh-unh! Don't go back there!
Don't go back there!
466
00:17:30,606 --> 00:17:32,606
Oh, my...
467
00:17:32,608 --> 00:17:33,774
hello?
468
00:17:33,776 --> 00:17:38,145
Okay,
two sweet-potato pies completes your order.
469
00:17:38,147 --> 00:17:40,480
And no rush charge for
my most loyal customer.
470
00:17:40,482 --> 00:17:41,481
[Chuckles]
471
00:17:41,483 --> 00:17:44,251
Most loyal customer?
472
00:17:44,253 --> 00:17:47,320
Oh,
Ruby has been ordering my Christmas dinners
473
00:17:47,322 --> 00:17:48,455
for 10 years now.
474
00:17:48,457 --> 00:17:49,389
Ohhhh.
475
00:17:49,391 --> 00:17:50,791
I will invoice you, chica.
476
00:17:50,793 --> 00:17:52,592
Feliz navidad. Merry Christmas.
477
00:17:52,594 --> 00:17:54,494
[Sighs]
478
00:17:54,496 --> 00:17:56,296
Merry Christmas, stranger.
479
00:17:56,298 --> 00:17:57,731
[Door closes]
480
00:17:57,733 --> 00:18:02,102
Oh... My God.
481
00:18:02,104 --> 00:18:05,472
"Grandma's homemade dinner"?
482
00:18:05,474 --> 00:18:08,375
It is grandma's... just not their grandma's.
483
00:18:08,377 --> 00:18:10,210
But, Ruby, you're a great cook.
484
00:18:10,212 --> 00:18:13,113
Why would you have a Mexican
caterer make your dinner?
485
00:18:13,115 --> 00:18:17,084
Christmas is too much work,
Rainbow, too much pressure.
486
00:18:17,086 --> 00:18:18,552
And who else would I trust
487
00:18:18,554 --> 00:18:21,321
with my authentic, down-home holiday feast?
488
00:18:21,323 --> 00:18:24,691
Mexicans are dependable, affordable,
489
00:18:24,693 --> 00:18:27,394
and the backbone of the American workforce!
490
00:18:27,396 --> 00:18:29,362
Now, stop being racist, Bow!
491
00:18:29,364 --> 00:18:30,864
- But...
- Come on. Come on!
492
00:18:30,866 --> 00:18:35,335
- What are you doing?
- Making a mess to make this lie look real.
493
00:18:35,337 --> 00:18:38,305
Now go put your cooking clothes on!
494
00:18:38,307 --> 00:18:40,474
Zoey: hark how the bells,
sweet silver bells
495
00:18:40,476 --> 00:18:41,775
All seem to say "throw cares away"
496
00:18:41,777 --> 00:18:45,345
Junior: Christmas is here,
bringing good cheer
497
00:18:45,347 --> 00:18:47,647
To young and old, meek and the bold
498
00:18:47,649 --> 00:18:50,117
Diane: dingdong, dingdong,
that is their song
499
00:18:50,119 --> 00:18:52,252
With joyful ring, all caroling
500
00:18:52,254 --> 00:18:54,888
Jack:
one seems to hear words of good cheer
501
00:18:54,890 --> 00:18:57,324
From everywhere, filling the air
502
00:18:57,326 --> 00:18:59,626
Junior: oh, how they pound,
raising the sound
503
00:18:59,628 --> 00:19:01,895
Zoey: o'er hill and Dale,
telling their tale
504
00:19:01,897 --> 00:19:04,631
Diane: with joyful ring,
all caroling
505
00:19:04,633 --> 00:19:07,134
Jack:
one seems to hear words of good cheer
506
00:19:07,136 --> 00:19:09,503
From everywhere, filling the air
507
00:19:09,505 --> 00:19:11,605
Junior: oh, how they pound,
raising the sound
508
00:19:11,607 --> 00:19:13,473
Zoey: o'er hill and Dale,
telling their tale
509
00:19:13,475 --> 00:19:15,842
- Ho, ho, ho!
- Diane: gaily they ring while people sing
510
00:19:15,844 --> 00:19:18,478
- Ho, ho, ho!
- Jack: songs of good cheer, Christmas is here
511
00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:19,813
- Ho, ho, ho!
- Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas
512
00:19:19,815 --> 00:19:21,815
Ho, ho, hey!
513
00:19:21,817 --> 00:19:24,351
- Ho, ho, ho!
- merry, merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas
514
00:19:24,353 --> 00:19:25,785
Dre: We saved Christmas.
515
00:19:25,787 --> 00:19:27,487
I mean, I guess we had to do it anyway
516
00:19:27,489 --> 00:19:29,589
since I was the one who destroyed... It.
517
00:19:29,591 --> 00:19:32,225
What the hell is going on in here?
518
00:19:32,227 --> 00:19:34,227
How is there gravy on the ceiling?
519
00:19:34,229 --> 00:19:38,865
I mean, you should go check out
what you're having for dinner,
520
00:19:38,867 --> 00:19:39,833
my babies.
521
00:19:39,835 --> 00:19:40,867
Floor turkey.
522
00:19:40,869 --> 00:19:43,336
Mac 'n' cheese?! Greens?!
523
00:19:43,338 --> 00:19:47,240
It's a miracle!
Jesus turned the turkey to ham!
524
00:19:47,242 --> 00:19:49,609
But... How'd you do it so fast?
525
00:19:49,611 --> 00:19:52,245
Your grandmother and I worked
our fingers to the bone,
526
00:19:52,247 --> 00:19:53,547
and it was all worth it.
527
00:19:53,549 --> 00:19:54,714
I did most of it.
528
00:19:55,783 --> 00:19:58,351
Come on. Let's go eat this food. Let's go.
529
00:19:58,353 --> 00:19:59,753
You better share the glory, lady,
530
00:19:59,755 --> 00:20:01,555
or I will burn down your house of lies.
531
00:20:01,557 --> 00:20:04,524
Or, should I say casa of lies.
532
00:20:04,526 --> 00:20:08,495
Ruby: Well, I didn't do it all!
Your mama washed the lettuce!
533
00:20:08,497 --> 00:20:10,197
Hey, baby, this is perfect.
534
00:20:10,199 --> 00:20:11,765
Thank you for working with my mother.
535
00:20:11,767 --> 00:20:12,899
It really means a lot.
536
00:20:12,901 --> 00:20:13,900
Ohh. Merry Christmas.
537
00:20:13,902 --> 00:20:15,435
- Oh, merry Christmas.
- Mwah.
538
00:20:15,437 --> 00:20:17,304
Um, why are there 10 empty boxes
539
00:20:17,306 --> 00:20:19,206
from Molina & Sons catering in the garage?
540
00:20:19,208 --> 00:20:22,342
What are all those websites
in your search history?
541
00:20:22,344 --> 00:20:24,211
Hmm. Okay! Let's eat!
542
00:20:24,213 --> 00:20:25,312
All right.
543
00:20:25,314 --> 00:20:26,646
Oh! That's my piece right here.
544
00:20:26,648 --> 00:20:27,514
Hey!
545
00:20:27,516 --> 00:20:29,616
Take the greens, baby.
546
00:20:29,618 --> 00:20:30,617
I am so sorry.
547
00:20:30,619 --> 00:20:31,718
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
548
00:20:35,890 --> 00:20:39,826
[Auto-tuned] o little
town of Bethlehem
549
00:20:39,828 --> 00:20:43,730
How still we see thee lie
550
00:20:43,732 --> 00:20:45,332
She just took my idea.
551
00:20:45,334 --> 00:20:46,933
Babe, it's okay. It's okay.
552
00:20:46,935 --> 00:20:48,902
It's not okay! She's leaving soon.
553
00:20:48,904 --> 00:20:49,903
...sleep
554
00:20:49,905 --> 00:20:53,573
The silent stars go by
555
00:20:53,575 --> 00:20:54,641
[Record scratching]
556
00:20:54,643 --> 00:20:59,846
Yet in the dark streets shineth
557
00:20:59,848 --> 00:21:03,817
The everlasting light
558
00:21:03,819 --> 00:21:05,585
[Laughs]
559
00:21:05,587 --> 00:21:09,623
The hopes and fears of all the years
560
00:21:09,625 --> 00:21:10,824
Ahh
561
00:21:10,826 --> 00:21:13,960
Are met in thee tonight
562
00:21:13,962 --> 00:21:16,696
Together: go, Jesus, go, Jesus
563
00:21:16,698 --> 00:21:19,733
Go, Jesus, go, Jesus
564
00:21:19,735 --> 00:21:22,636
Go, Jesus, go, Jesus, go, Jesus
565
00:21:22,638 --> 00:21:24,938
Go, Jesus, go, Jesus
566
00:21:24,988 --> 00:21:29,538
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