All language subtitles for Black Jesus s02e02 Gonna Get His

Subtitle sync and corrections
by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.

(knocking)

Aw, yeah!

Wake your punk asses up.

Let's go, y'all. It's time
to go spread the Good Word.

(chuckles)

Pops was real specific
when he spit that shit, dawg.

He wanted us to cut the
bullshit, make some legit bread

and get out here
and spread the Word.

And the first step to spreading
the Word is getting out here

and finding people
who want to hear the Word, pimp.

Man, niggas got other shit to do

than going to church
all day, though, Jee.

Ah, but we in
the big leagues now, Fish.

Think about it...

you got to scope out
the competition to see how

they getting down, right?
So we gonna go check out

that bangin'-ass
church on the corner.

- You know the one I'm talking about.
- Oh, man,

that church on the corner,
man, they got a lot

of weird stuff going on down there.

That's Vic's uncle church, man.

The one who had the teeth reduction.

You can't judge the man by his nephew.

He might be a good dude.

Now, we need to find Jason and Tray,

and we going to church.

CONGREGATION:
Amazing grace

Amen!

- CONGREGATION: Amen.
- All right,

y'all have a seat, now.

Now, you know...

last Sunday a sister stopped me.

- She said, "Reverend,
- MEN: What'd she say?

"I can't give to Jesus,

I'm short on rent." I said,
"You got it all backwards.

You're short on rent because
you can't pay Jesus."

MAN: Amen!

Don't pay your bills first,

- pay Jesus first.
- (congregation exclaiming)

Then maybe you'd be
able to pay them bills.

Nigga said,

Then "I got to pay for
my diabetes medicine.

I said, "If you

paid Jesus, maybe you wouldn't
have diabetes, nigga."

Then you drag your
ingrate asses in this church

and come with that, "Here, Jesus, uh,

"take this little ol'
bullshit ten percent

I got left over from the week."

And you got the nerve to
wonder why your life sucks,

- why you ain't got shit.
- MAN: Amen!

Keep your ol' funky,
bullshit ten percent.

That's a tip!

Jesus don't want no tip...
Jesus want it all!

I didn't... I didn't say that.

He gave you all his love,

gave you all his divine grace,

- gave you all his salvation.
- MAN: Glory, glory!

And he deserves all your money.

- (congregation exclaiming, applauding)
- There you go, man.

Damn, brah. I feel terrible

I've been holding out
on you like that, man.

Here you go... two dollars and
three cent, you can have it.

Man, that's some bullshit.
That dude's speaking

with the devil's tongue, man. He trying

to rip all these poor people off.

- I hate this shit. - REV. CLEVELAND:
That time you lost your wallet?

- That was Jesus getting his money.
- Ow.

Jesus ain't supposed to
elbow niggas that hard.

That child support?

- Shh!
- Jesus took that.

- Bitch, sit the (bleep) down.
- The funny thing is...

That mysterious parking ticket?

- That wasn't the city.
- MAN: No, it wasn't.

That was Jesus taking what's his.

Man, I ain't wrote a
ticket in my life, man.

This dude is some... with
some piracy, man. He out here

trying to rip folks off, man.
That's real, man.

REV. CLEVELAND: Now, you can't

- hide money from Jesus.
- Cheap bastards.

Jesus gonna get his one way or another,

so you might as well give it up now.

- (applause)
- MAN: Preach!

Preach! Preach! Preach!

Hey, yo, Jee, I don't think

this the place God wants us to be, man.

Nah, Fish. This is exactly
where he want us to be.

So what are you degenerate

- niggas doing here?
- Come on, Vic, man,

you better than this, man.
Y'all trying to rip people off.

Look, y'all ain't here to hear the Word,

get the (bleep) out.

Hold on, there, Vic.

W-What's going on, here?
Who is that?

Sound like you

teaching people to worship money.

With all due respect, Reverend,

that sound like some bullshit to me.

Ooh.

VIC: Reverend Otis,

this is a aboriginal
con man from Australia.

Nigga just got out the
mental institution,

- think he's Jesus.
- (all laughing)

Jesus!

Well, is that right?

Well, if you're gonna be a crazy fool,

you might as well go
all the way with it.

Look, I don't want your money.

Neither does Pops.

You can't buy God's blessings.

- It don't work like that.
- MAN: Sit down!

Says the man who obviously
ain't got no blessings.

(laughter)

People...

People, don't give this dude your money.

He ripping you off.
Vic, come on, man,

you better than that.
You really gonna just stand by

and rip these people off?

- MAN: That's blasphemy. He's blaspheming.
- If Jesus,

the real Jesus, didn't want me
to have this money,

then Jesus would take it away!

(agreeing, applause)

And... and-and look at your ankles.

(laughter)

Ankles so ashy,

they look like they're about
to be dropped in a deep fryer.

(laughter)

I've been walking a lot of miles. So what?

And-and that wig you got on,

you better find whatever meth
addict you stole that hair from

and give it back.

(laughter)

Your mama should be
arrested for littering.

Come back when you can afford
God's love, nigga. Save up.

(laughter)

Get them bums on out of
here. Put 'em in the trash.

As a matter of fact, put
'em in the recycling bin.

Maybe-maybe God can do better.

(laughter)

REV. CLEVELAND: Everybody needs

to be saved, and we need some money!

(applause)

A robbery? You're telling me,

you, Jesus Christ,
you want to rob a church.

Never cease

to amaze, boy.

See, dude, that man
said one thing right,

which was, if Jesus didn't
want him to have that bread,

then Jesus would take it back.

And that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Hey, man. Look, man.
I know you're mad, man.

They went in on you
pretty bad at the church,

but this isn't very Jesus-y.

Man, (bleep) that.

Pops sent me here on a
mission: to take back

the city for (bleep) on the side
of righteousness. We can't

keep letting these suckers
steal the hearts and the minds

and the money from the
poor people's pockets.

Come on, Boonie. That's some bullshit.

Hey, Jesus, man, I agree with you.

We don't like what he doing,

but you're always talking
about free will, right?

That's what you're always
preaching. And it's free will.

The people are giving him the money.

He's not stealing it from 'em.

It is stealing, Fish.

Tray, tell these fools something.

Yeah, low-key, the minister
has been actively engaged

in stealing from the church.

His own church, though.
His own church.

TRAYVON: The church takes its
donations after it's been collected,

and they put them in their money room,

which is located next
to his personal green room

backstage at the church.

Later, after the service, two guards

from L.E.G. Security arrive

to transport the money.

The official count begins with Vic,

with the two guards present.

$4,735.23.

Give or take a few bucks, it's
almost the same every week.

From that point, it goes
with the security guards

directly out the door to the

Fourth National Southwest Compton Bank.

Wait, wait, wait. Time-out.
Did I miss something?

Damn right, dude.
Tray, sprinkle these cats.

Now, after the church service is over

but before the money is
counted and taken away,

Reverend Cleveland enters
the room for exactly 11 minutes

to pray over the money.

He jams the WI-Fi.

Now, for exactly 11 minutes,
the Internet goes dead,

and the Dropcam in the money
room goes dead as well.

Word is, the power of his prayer

literally disconnects the
Internet, but that's B.S.

Whatever.

And that's when he steals
half of the week's take,

before anyone even knows it's there.

How'd you find out this information?

Jesus told me.

Oh. All this divine vision.

I just like the way
Trayvon break it down

all Mission: Impossible like.

All right. So, the key is

to get into the money room and steal

the half of the money that
he's going to steal before

the minister goes in and prays over it.

Okay. So, how we gonna do that?

It all comes down to one lady.

I'll tell you one thing:

If you had a giant bed

with some giant sheets in Africa

and you try to make that bed,
them lions will jump around

on that bed just like little kitty cats.

Shut the (bleep) up, Lloyd.

MS. TUDI: 'Cause I don't want
to, that's why! Yeah. Well...

- Hey. Hey, you hear that?
- Hear what?

- That's why! You're going too far.
- That sound like Ms. Tudi.

MS. TUDI: 'Cause I don't
want to, that's why!

JESUS: Shh!

Ms. Tudi, keep your voice down.

Why you acting all bougie
and shit, like you some kind

of angel or something? How many
times I looked away with my holy

and infinite gaze when you
was doing janky shit yourself?

Because it's wrong,

that's why! It's going too far.

JESUS: You don't do this for me,

then I think you don't need

Jesus in your life no more.

MS. TUDI: Okay, I'll do it.
But don't you

ever ask me to do anything
like this again. I mean it.

JESUS: Ms. Tudi, come back. Why you
got to be like that? Come here.

- (organ playing)
- VIC: Yes, welcome, welcome.

Welcome. Welcome.

Welcome. Welcome. Welcome.

- Ah.
- Well, well. What a pleasant surprise.

- To what do I owe the pleasure?
- Good morning, Vic.

I, um, just had a need
to hear the Word.

- A different word, if you know what I mean.
- Mm-hmm.

That is, if a sinner like me is welcome.

Well, all are welcome here.

- Especially you.
- Oh.

- Let me escort you to our VIP area.
- Oh.

Thank you, Vic.

And then Jesus... ugh, whatever
that nigga's real name is...

he asked me to do something, Vic,

that I know Jesus would
not ask a person to do.

- Have a seat, Ms. Tudi.
- Oh, thank you.

I heard that the pastor

will hold a private meeting

with a potential donor. Do you think

that he might see me today
before the service starts?

The pastor's kind of busy.

I know, Vic, but, um...

I need help from the real Jesus.

And I brought my checkbook.

Do they have activities here,
like, for, uh, singles?

- Excuse me.
- Mm-hmm.

The reverend will see you now.

- Oh. All right. Well, thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, you know, Ms. Tudi, uh,

my uncle's kind of old, okay, so he may

say something that's inappropriate,

but don't take it personal.

I'm a big girl, Vic.

But thank you for your concern.

Ms. Tudi!

My nephew tells me that
you were well-endowed

with gifts from the Lord.

But I see the Lord has
endowed you well, too.

- (laughing): Oh.
- (laughing)

Stop it some more, Reverend.

- Oh, please have a seat.
- Okay.

Uh,

Vic, will you excuse us, please?

- Please.
- Oh... yeah.

So, I understand you're looking

to make a sizable
donation to the church.

Oh, yes. Yes, Reverend, and I was, um...

Well, I was hoping that
you and I could also

spend some personal time.

You see, Reverend, I need some
private, spiritual counseling.

- Well, this can be arranged.
- (laughing)

- Good.
- (laughing)

But, you know,

- Jesus would want you to be relaxed.
- Oh.

- Damn!
-
Hallelujah

Uh, judge not lest you be judged.

-
Hallelujah, hallelujah...

- I'll take this one. Well...
- (loud knocking)

Can't you wait for a "Come in," nigga?!

Uh, sorry, Rev. It's just that
it's five minutes to showtime.

- Nigga, I got a watch!
- Uh-huh.

Ms. Tudi, excuse me, will you?

(laughing)

I will be back... after the show.

But you, uh, feel free to
mix yourself another drink.

Oh. Thank you, Reverend.

Have a good service.

- Thank you.
- (laughs)

(clears her throat, laughs)

Hey, Ms. Tudi, I don't think
that you should, uh, wait.

You getting jealous, huh, Vic?

No, no, I'm not jealous. I'm-I'm
just looking out for you.

- That's so sweet. Oh!
- Oh, see?

That's what I'm trying to tell you.

See? Put that drink down, Ms. Tudi.

- You had enough. Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Let me take you home, all right?
- Okay, okay.

(touch tone sounds)

Hello. Hey, hey, listen,
man, I got something to do.

I'm gonna be back in time for the count.

Thank you for taking care of me.

Oh, think nothing of it.

(organ plays)

- Yeah?
- Oh.

Oh.

- (groans)
- Ooh!

- Mind if I sit here for a little bit?
- Okay.

- MAN: Amen!
- MAN 2: Preacher! Preacher!

REV. CLEVELAND: A little boy came to me.

He said, "Reverend, what does
God do with all that money?"

I beat that little boy's ass,

and I told him to mind his business.

(applause) That's what I did.

- MAN: Yeah!
- REV. CLEVELAND: Dig in your pockets

and give Jesus what he deserves!

He's your Lord and Savior.

That's worth at least 90%.

Jesus paid for your sins,

- and now he's come to collect.
- Amen.

And God has a warm place for you niggas

- who try to hold out on him in church.
- (applause)

Help!

- (coughing)
- (people groaning, cell cameras beep)

(people groaning)

What are you guys doing?
This man's having

- a heart attack. Somebody help!
- (cell cameras clicking)

Hey, man, y'all some cold (bleep)!

Man, don't you see I'm
having a heart attack!?

- Well, what?
- (Boonie grunting)

Yes, my uncle...
he's having a heart attack!

- Please send somebody.
- (coughs)

Okay, great! Guys, listen, don't panic.

Help is on the way.
Paramedics are coming.

All right, guys, let's go.
We've got an emergency.

Obviously, we have a bit of a

medical emergency, so, uh,
let-let us all pray, I guess...

(audience murmuring loudly)

...for the... for the fat
brother on the floor.

- Everybody, move...
- Obviously, this brother

has never passed a
ham hock he didn't like.

- (Boonie groans)
- Over here.

- BOONIE: Oh. (coughs)
- BPs are dropping.

We got to fill him with phenobarbital.

Pull back on the retractors.
Three, two, one.

- (Boonie groaning)
- Whoa!

MAN: He's heavy.

(overlapping chatter)

(people gasp, groan, yell)

For crying out loud!

Okay, everybody look.

We need to stabilize him first.

Okay, everybody move. We need
to make room here. Move.

JASON: Come on, everybody back up.

We need room here. We need room.

'Cause we got to get
this guy to the back.

- Back up, everyone!
- Wait! That area is off limits!

James! James, go, go
in the back with them!

Coming through, people. Coming through!

All right. Sir, we have an emergency.

This man is having a heart attack!

We need a room with a big, flat table.

What about this room? Is there
a flat table in this room?

- Ain't nobody allowed in that room.
- Sir, if he dies,

you're gonna face criminal
charges... are you willing

- to do that?
- Hell, no. I'm on parole.

Then I suggest you open that door quick.

Give me the key. Come on.

- Just hang in there, sir.
- (mumbling)

Stay with us.

Come this way.

Medical personnel only.

- Pray for him, people.
- (sobbing)

You can't lock the door.

(sobbing): My, my uncle!

(whispers): Hurry up.

(engine starts)

(phone rings)

Hello.

I told you I had something to...

Emergency paramedics?

Look... I told you I
had something to do.

I will be back in five minutes!

Later.

Is everything okay?

Sound like some real
crazy shit is going on

over there... I don't
know what, you know...

Vic, just... (groans)

Listen, I got something
I got to tell you.

What's that?

But you got to promise you're
not gonna call the police.

Come on, man.

You got to know that's
something I would never do.

Child, Jesus is robbing the church.

That goddamn con man!

So I know even in church
sometimes shit hap...

Wha...?

(whispers inaudibly)

Uh... pray!

Hey! Whoa!

Hey! Hey!

Nobody in the money room!

You can't be in there.

- (low grunting)
- Go save that fat nigga somewhere else!

Open up this door!

Hey, listen, go get the spare
key inside my, inside my office.

- Okay.
- My uncle. Please, please, pray...

pray for my uncle! Please!

Oh, get this nigga off of me!

Clear the way! He's gonna be okay.

I need 10cc's Diazepam, X-Y-Z right now.

- TRAYVON: Thank you! Thank you so much!
- Don't disturb him.

- We got to get this man out of here.
- Yeah, wait, wait, wait! Hey.

Count that money.

MAGGIE: We got to defibrillate him
the moment we pull him off the wire.

Aha! Caught!

VIC: See, those ain't no paramedics.

That's the con man and
his cult of followers.

What the hell?

Yeah, Ms. Tudi told me the whole plan.

They just robbed the collection.

Yeah, she was supposed to distract me

so I didn't notice these clowns.

Ms. Tudi, you told Vic?!

- Bitch!
- MS. TUDI: Listen,

I know I'm not always
the best influence...

I know that...

but this right here,

robbing a church? Come on, Jesus,

this is crossing the line.

Okay, look, look,

we planned to rob a church,

I ain't gonna lie.

But at the last minute,

we couldn't do it. I mean,

Fish was right. Hey, even though

I don't like you collecting
money in my name,

what could I say, man,
stealing is stealing.

Ms. Tudi,

Vic, Reverend,

two wrongs don't make a right.

We didn't steal your money.

It's all there... go ahead and count it.

Jesus...

I'm proud of you.

REV. CLEVELAND: Come on. Come in here.

Search 'em.

Get up in their ass like the airport.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey.

- Go check that camera footage.
- Okay.

Five thousand

four hundred and thirty-two dollars

- and forty-three cents.
- That's all?

That's actually the best
week we had all year.

But there could've been more.
I bet there was more.

Wow. Would there be more, Reverend?

Hmm.

Uh, listen, why don't you
let the boys go, huh?

I mean, we don't want to call the police

- and have them snooping in little places.
- REV. CLEVELAND: No, no, no,

- no, no, we don't want no police.
- MS. TUDI: Yeah.

(sighs) All right, let 'em go.

But Jesus is gonna get his.

Oh, yeah.

I think Jesus already did.

(Jesus chuckling)

Nigga, you need to go wash your feet.

And don't come back here no more.

We got nothing on the cam.

The WI-Fi went out same time as usual.

(exhales, mumbles)

What happened to that
skinny little crying nigga?

Get this nigga off of me!

Open the door! Out of the way!

Clear the way! He's gonna be okay!
Thank you so much!

Hey! Count that money.

Hey, wait a minute!

(chatter, singing)

Whoo! My Lord and Savior!

We pulled it off!

Okay, okay, everyone. Relax.

Jesus, it's your money. You deserve it.

- There you go.
- Aw, come on, Tray.

- He's right, he's right.
- Yeah, felt good to hold it, at least.

Mm! Father, Son, Holy Spirit and...

amen!

In God we trust.

(chuckling)

(speaking inaudibly)

Wait. Wait.

- All of it.
- FISH: All right, Big Jee,

can't wait to see what
you're gonna do with it, man.

It's all you.

(whooping)

(laughing)

Ta-da...!

(laughing)

You spent the money on a food truck?

That's what I said.

Oh, ye of little faith.

It's not just a food truck,

this is our church!

(laughing)

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by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.

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