All language subtitles for S06E33.Bizarre

John:
Do you know who she is yet?

Tara:
Her name is Helen Pritchard.

Right.

She was found
in the middle of a field.

Right.

Wearing only a night dress.

Right.

Well then.

Both: Yes?

It just doesn't make sense.

Where on Earth
did she come from, I wonder?

That is what Captain Cordell
is trying to find out.

A train?

That's right, sir,
a train went through

about an hour before
Helen Pritchard was found.

A night express, sir.
It was a sleeper.

Train!

That would explain
the night dress, sir.

She was traveling
in a sleeping bus and...

I fully appreciate
the ramifications

of your discoveries,
Captain Cordell.

So she was on a train.

Now there's one question
that remains to be answered.

Did she fall
or was she pushed?

Train.

A-a Train.

Cordell
That's right.

You were on the train and...?

A coffin.

A dead man.

A dead man in a coffin!

A dead man
who wasn't dead! Oh!

A dead man in a coffin.

A dead man...
who isn't dead.

It's quite a coincidence.

There was a coffin
aboard that train.

I ran a check
on passengers and freight.

There was a coffin aboard.

- Inhabited?
- Yes.

- With a dead man in it.
- Where was it going?

To The Happy Meadows.

For burial.

Ah! Good morning.

Good morning, dear sir.

Good morning.

Steed. John Steed.

Happychap.

Well, moderately.

No, no.
You misunderstand.

I'm Happychap.
Bagpipes Happychap.

Oh, how do you...
Bagpipes?

My father's fault, really.

You see, when my mother told him
she was gonna present him

with a squeaky little bundle,
he thought she meant

the set of bagpipes that he'd
always set his heart on.

Then when of course I arrived,
it was his way of fighting back.

A sad burden.

Yes, it's not as though
I'm Scots.

I mean,
if I'd been really Scots,

at least the name would have
a partisan ring to it.

Well look on the bright side,
Mr. Happychap.

After all, your father
might have had an obsession

about sousaphones.

That is true.
That is very true.

Well, now to business.
Stand, please.

Mind you I can't see
that we're going to be

doing much business
for some time ahead.

Planning far ahead are, sir?
Your plot now.

Stand on that,
will you please.

Well, you are in luck because
I can just squeeze you in

between two peers
of the Realm.

- Well I actually I...
- Or what about Jolly Jack Tar's

last jesting ground?

We like to make death fun.

I can squeeze you between
an admiral on your port,

a midshipman
on your starboard,

and a submarine
commander astern.

I'm not here
on that kind of business.

Oh.

A body arrived here
a few days ago.

Now it was brought here
by train.

Do you by any chance
recall it?

Indeed I do.

Let me see, let me see,
let me see.

Ah, yes,
class-one interment.

17 wreaths of assorted
plastic flowers

simulated
mock-marble headstone.

Stands up to the elements
much better than the real thing, you know.

And a special home bargain...
Get in while stocks last...

Fiberboard casket.
(chuckles)

- I remember it perfectly.
- Where was it buried?

In our most exclusive area,
Paradise Plot.

Now then, ah,
let me see, uh, yes.

This is the one.

Here's the chap
that came in by train.

Jonathan Jupp.

Helen, while you were on
the train something happened.

You fell out...
you tripped.

Train.

A train.

Not much progress.

John:
Let me try something.

Helen? Helen?

Now these photographs...

do you recognize?

Do you recognize anyone?

No!

Jonathan Jupp.
Do you know him?

Helen, do you know him?

No! Dead!
He's dead on a train!

My dog!

(screams)

It was late.

I had my dog
on the train with me.

He was travelling
in the guard's van.

And I got up, and I went
to the guard's van to feed him.

(screams)

(barking)

(screams)

It was him.

This man here.

Mother
Do you believe her?

Sounded convincing.

Nevertheless, I, uh...

Nevertheless, she is suffering
from concussion.

Now there was a coffin
on that train.

She admits to having seen it.

The rest could be figment
of her imagination,

hallucination brought on
by her injuries.

Agreed.

Except for two things.

One...

she did
pick out Jupp's photo.

And two?

Jonathan Jupp.

He's a financer.

Of course.
I remember him now.

He was involved
in some seedy deal or other.

He's about to be
prosecuted for fraud.

And then he died
of a heart attack.

- Convenient.
- Very.

You've seen his grave?

His grave.

But not inside it.

All right.

I'll arrange
for an exhumation order.

Well. Satisfied?

I just wanted to make sure
he was there.

Really.

I got the...

- (gunshot)
- (screams)

Brilliant.

Well, we were wrong,
Mother.

Jupp was buried all right,
but he's quite, quite dead.

So that's that.

I'm afraid not.

I'm afraid
that's not that.

There was a murder attempt
on Helen Pritchard.

Fortunately, Tara was there
to foil the attack.

Unfortunately, the man
was killed by his own gun.

But that still doesn't mean
that has story about Jupp...

Well, there's more
to it than that.

We've identified
the attacker.

His name
was Brad Morton.

Morton was a financier

on the brink of being
prosecuted for fraud.

But his death
wasn't engineered.

You said it was an accident,
his... his own gun?

He died officially six months
ago of a heart attack.

His body is buried
at Happy Meadows.

Another one?

You want to exhume
another one?

John:
Afraid so.

Really, Mr. Steed,
this morbid curiosity

is verging on an obsession.

If it's digging
you're interested in,

why didn't you
take up gardening?

I mean, roses, for instance...
Plant now,

and by the summer, you should
have a fine crop of...

Mr. Happychap.

All right.

- But if this ever
got out in the trade... - It'll be our secret.

You see, people like
to feel a sort of permanence about burial.

Up and down,
up and down all the time,

people will imagine
I'm holding a dig-in.

He's been stolen.

Taken away.

There's a thief
in our midst.

- Come on.
- Where are we going?

I want to use your phone.

That's it, Charlie.

In there.

Helen Pritchard, Ward 10.

Right.

- Helen?
- Hmm?

Do you feel well enough
to run through the story again?

But I told you all I know.

All you remembered.

Go through it again.

Perhaps there's something
you've overlooked.

All right.

(engine starts)

It's no go.

No go?

What are you talking about?

She's barricaded in
up there.

She's guarded.
There's no chance.

Some people.

Mother?

Bradney Morton,
he's not there.

There's a coffin
but no body.

Body snatchers
in this day and age?

That's what it looks like.

Oh, and another thing,
I've been reading headstones.

What?

John Ash,
George and Tony Barter,

Patrick Vernon.

Steed, will you please try
and be coherent?

Think upon those names,
Mother.

Ash, Barter, Vernon.

Of course...
All financiers.

And all involved in seedy deals
and all buried in Paradise Plot.

All right, there is only
one thing for it.

All of them?

Uh... (chuckles)

Yes, Mother.
Well, yes I agree.

It is the only way.

Uh, yes, yes,
I'll attend to it.

Oh, uh...

Mr. Happychap?

Bagpipes...

Baggers,
now this may come

as a little bit of a shock
to you, but you're a big man,

and I'm sure you'll
take it in your stride.

Bagpipes:
What?! All of them?!

This is awful!
Simply awful!

There's no body left.

The great grave robbery.

What do we do now?

Do?

Oh, no.

Not again.

Again.

Yes.

Yes, Grandma.

Yes, Grandma.

We are endeavoring
to do our best.

Yes.

Steed at this very moment
is trying to dig something up.

But it's impossible,
quite impossible.

He was here a minute ago.

Ah, thank you, gentlemen.

It is impossible.

But it's happened.

But it happened.

A short time ago,

this man Jupp
was dead and buried.

But now...

(instrumental
surf music playing)

Everything to your
satisfaction, Mr. Jupp?

Everything.

Are you sure there's,.
Uh, nothing you want?

No, thanks.

Oh, there is one thing
I'd like.

I'd like to see...
(laughs)

I'd like to see
my wife's face

if she knew
where I was now.

(laughs)

I bet there'd be egg
all over it!

I don't see how
I can help you, Mr. Cordell.

My husband's death
was very sudden.

And he didn't exactly
leave me well provided for.

Yes, well that in itself
is curious, Mrs. Jupp.

You know there was a great deal
of money missing

from your husband's company.

Yes, but wherever he put it,
the secret died with him

or he...
He took it with him.

Yes, perhaps.

It was a heart attack,
was it, Mrs. Jupp?

- And you found him?
- Yes.

He was lying just over th...
Oh, so sorry.

That's quite all right.

He'd...
He'd never been ill before.

It all happened
without warning,

just as he was planning
to take me away.

Away?

Away where?

Well, he didn't tell me himself,
you understand,

but I overheard him
talking on the phone

to Mystic Tours.

He was arranging a trip,

arranging to go away
for a long time.

A long time.

You heard him say that?

Yes, quite clearly.

And all this was arranged
through Mystic Tours,

you're quite sure of that?

Yes, quite sure.

But where was he planning
to go, Mrs. Jupp?

Well, I don't know exactly,
but wherever it was,

it was somewhere nice,

somewhere absolutely
wonderful.

And what made you think that?

Because I heard him say,

"Where I'm going,
it'll be Paradise,

absolute Paradise."

Found anything
you like here, sir?

No. Not really.

Uh, why don't you try
our European junket?

That's nine countries
in four days by coach.

By coach in four days?

(chuckles) Well, the driver
used to be a Grand Prix driver.

You don't actually
have to get off the coach.

We provide written summaries
of every memorable experience

you might have had in each city
to impress your friends.

We even provide photographs
of you outside the Louvre,

Vatican...

Well, actually,
I'm looking for something

a little more relaxing,
an escape, uh...

Far from the cares
of the world, eh?

Well, a bit more than that,
actually.

Stop of business trouble,
you understand me?

I'd like to get away
from it all for a while,

somewhere cool.

Cool?

Well, I anticipate a hot spell
in this country.

If I stay here,
that is.

Have you
any further information

of the sort of place
you're trying to escape to?

Well, actually,

what I'm looking for
is, uh... Paradise.

Absolute Paradise.

Paradise.

Paradise.

How are they doing it?

And why?

Who are they,
and where are they?

Whole graveyard looted,

coffins dug up.

How on Earth?

My guess
is it happens at night.

There's no night guard
at Happy Meadows?

N...

Well, why should there be?

There's no reason to believe
that the inhabitants

are going anywhere.

All the same,
I really feel that...

(telephone rings)

Mother.

Cordell?

You're what?

Cordell: I'm taking
a big chance calling you.

They're watching me
the whole time.

Who's watching you?
Where are you?

They're coming back.
I'll call later if I can.

Cordell!
Where are you?

I'm on my way to
(whispers) Paradise.

Cordell! Cordell!

Paradise?

Oh, no.
Not again.

Everyone's staying
where they are.

(chuckles) This time,
I just want information.

Oh.
Oh, that's better.

What can I do for you?

If a man called Cordell calls
or phones...

- William Cordell?
- That's right.

- He's here already.
- What?

Yes, he arrived
a few minutes ago.

Poor chap,
he got knocked over by a car.

His dying wish was that
he should be interned in Paradise Plot.

Are you sure he was dead?

No respiration,
no heartbeat, ice cold.

Yes, he was dead.

Anyway, it's a little late
to ask questions.

He's already been buried.

- What next?
- A night vigil.

We've got to catch
the grave robbers red-handed.

A round-the-clock vigil
from dusk to dawn.

Excellent, Steed.
Excellent!

Esprit de corp
and all that sort of thing.

Dedication to duty,
heedless of sleep,

- the wintery night!
- (groans)

Wake me
if anything happens.

- What?!
- I gave the job to Tara.

Cold out here, isn't it?

Cordell is a lot colder.

Oh...

oh, hello there.

Oh, hello.

Welcome to the club.

- Thanks.
- I, uh...

I suppose you're here
for the same reason as me.

Things got too hot in the...
In the other world.

(laughs)
Yes, that's right.

Man: Are we comfortable,
gentlemen?

Oh, never better.

Don't forget,

if there's anything
you want...

I tell you what,

I shall probably need
a jolly long holiday

when I'm finished here.
(laughs)

(chuckles)

Complaints will get you nowhere,
Mr. Jupp.

Hi. Hiya.

Hiya!

Hey. Him.

I saw him at the hospital.

Oh.

Uh, no, look,
what hospital?

What's this man
talking about?

Naughty, Mr. Cordell.

It's getting light.

Nothing's gonna happen.

Waste of time.
I always thought it would be.

A whole night wasted
and nothing's happened.

Well? Now what?

Oh, no.

No.

No.

(whispers) No.

If you put money into a bank,
a reputable bank,

you don't keep drawing it out
to see if it's still there.

Here we are, sir.

There you are.

He's still there,
and he is still dead.

Only this time,
he's been shot.

Shot?

Shot?

Shot.

I wonder if it's too late

to hand this case over
to another department.

And no one approached the grave
during the night?

No one.

After all,
it's an open and shut case.

Open the grave.
Shut the grave.

Happychap was with you
all the time?

Yes.

I could dress the report up,

make it seem simple
and straightforward.

- Mother.
- What?

Cordell spoke
to Mrs. Jupp, didn't he?

Well, I believe he did.

I think I'll go
and see her.

Oh, yes, he got quite
interested, excited even,

When I told him my husband
had been planning a holiday

with Mystic Tours.

Holiday?
Where?

That's what Mr. Cordell
wanted to know.

But I couldn't tell him.

I couldn't tell him anything.

Except that
it would be Paradise.

Paradise?

Paradise, Mr. Steed?

That's what I'm looking for.

But aren't we all?

But not with so much fervor
as me.

And another thing...
They say that you can't buy

your way into heaven,
but, uh...

but I aim to try.

I think...

you'd better step this way,
Mr. Steed.

Master?

Master.

(whispers) I don't know
whether you noticed,

but he's not breathing.

He's in what we call
a deep state of trance.

Oh.

How long has he
been like that?

Oh, he stopped his heart
on Thursday last.

Or was it Friday?

Oh, Friday.

Well, how long will he
remain like that?

It's difficult
to wake him sometimes.

However, he is sensitive
to certain things.

Do you mind?

Anything to help.

It usually works.

(Indian accent) Low and from
the grasshopper sayeth I go.

Then 'tis time
for the fish to leap.

He gets a bit like that.

Most profound master,
we have a visitor.

A child in search
of the eternal truth.

Then I sayeth this
to thee...

Seek and ye shall find.

That's not original,
you know.

Come only to me
with a thirst for knowledge.

Come only to me
with the desire to seek.

- Come only to me with...
- With lots of money?

And he's got some money.

Thee are welcome.

Doubly welcome, sir.

I shall take your hand

and lead thee
on a spiritual adventure.

Lo, when the lotus
withereth on the leaf...

Then 'tis time to...

- Go to Paradise?
- Go to Paradise, eh?

That's what
he's come here for.

(English accent) Why didn't
you say so in the first place?

When did Steed leave
Mrs. Jupp?

I already told you...
About three hours ago.

I am the master.

I'm also a charlatan...

fraud, a taker in
of the gullible.

Well, that makes two of us.

Yes, I'm a charlatan
save in one respect,

a secret I stumbled upon,
a priceless secret

which I'm prepared to impart
to others for a fee.

How much?

One third of that.

You see, I'm a gambler.

Gambling on your wit
and chicanery,

you have made a killing.

Why else would you be here?

One third of that killing,
Mr. Steed.

That depends on what you're
prepared to offer in return.

A new life.

You've grown tired
of the old one, eh?

- It has become inconvenient?
- To put it mildly.

Very well, I will arrange
for you to leave this life,

dispense with it,
shuffle off this mortal coil.

If you were dead,
Mr. Steed, if you were dead,

the world would not
pursue you any further.

The heat would be off, eh?

I would arrange
your death for you.

I could arrange that, too,
and cheaper.

(laughs)

But I offer special
after-death benefits.

Death is only the beginning,
Mr. Steed.

It's the same pattern
as before.

Not quite.

Cordell managed to call us.

I accept.

Excellent.

You won't live to regret it,
I promise you.

I sincerely hope...
I sincerely hope I do.

- Hmm?
- Live.

Oh, yes.
(laughs) Quite.

Have no fear.

Ah, well,
I'll be back later.

I regret that now you are here,
you must stay.

- But surely...
- No.

You already know
too much about us.

You must remain incommunicado
until the whole thing is over.

I'm sorry,
but those are the rules.

Incommunicado,
not even for my mother?

Not even her.

When is this to be arranged?

Your death
is already arranged.

It will be violent
but quite painless.

(horn honks)

(tires screech)

Next stop, Paradise.

(rings)

Hello? Yes?

Oh, when?

I see.
Thank you very much.

Bye. (Hangs up)

It's Steed.
He's been located.

Well, come on,
where is he?

Out at Happy Meadows.

Miss King.

Hello.
Where is he?

- Where's who?
- Steed.

He's gone.

Oh, it's just they told me
he was here.

He was here,
and... he's gone.

Any idea where?

He's in Paradise Plot.

Oh, he's not digging up
another one of those...

I don't think you fully
comprehend the situation,

Miss King.

I said he was
in Paradise Plot.

What?

Dead.
So we buried him.

Steed.

I assure you,
he was quite dead.

(indistinct conversations)

(laughter)

(instrumental
surf music plays)

The mind boggles.

What would it be like,
I wonder,

if I'd lived a completely
blameless life?

(chuckles)

This is really living.

Don't you mean dying?
(laughs)

Jupp!

You know me.

I was in finance, too,
remember?

We used to meet quite lot
in the city.

Possible.

Well, Mr. Steed.

How do you like
our Paradise?

Are our angels
starry enough for you?

Unimprovable.

Apple?

Oh, thank you very much.

No. I don't want
to spoil things.

How did I get here?

Master: That was my part
of the bargain, Mr. Steed.

I said I had
one genuine talent,

that of being able
to suspend animation.

You were lightly bumped
in a street accident,

just enough to render
you unconscious,

but the world thinks
you were killed.

After all, there was no pulse,
breathing had ceased,

your body temperature was below
that necessary to sustain life...

An illusion I created.

To all intents and purposes,
you were dead.

And buried.

- Buried?
- Look above you, Mr. Steed.

These tunnels,
catacombs,

run directly beneath
Paradise Plot, Happy Meadows.

And the door?

Connects
to the coffins above.

It's just as easy to unscrew
the side of a coffin

as it is the top,
you see.

Relax, Mr. Steed.

There would be nobody
chasing you down here.

The world above
thinks you are dead.

Miss King...

Dig it up.
Please dig it up.

- Right.
- Right.

(lively instrumental
pop music playing)

You pop out of here
now and again?

Pop out?

Yes, upstairs,
the great outside.

See what's happening.

Never!

I've never been out
since I arrived.

Oh, really, aren't you
the least be curious

about what's happening
in the big wide world?

Oh, curious
doesn't enter into it.

Besides,
they wouldn't allow it.

You know, they say
it takes about two years

- to let things cool off.
- Two years?

Yes, that's how long
we've got to be here.

Mind you,
I'm not bothered.

- (chuckles)
- (shovels digging)

Now, Miss King,
you'll see for yourself

for the last time,

and perhaps you'll
understand why I...

don't feel too well.

Man: Cheeky, cheeky.

Now you will watch
the old ticker, won't you?

Everything to your liking,
Mr. Steed?

Yes.
Thank you Mr. Shaw.

Ah, lovely.

That's what we like to see.

(scraping)

(chuckles)
Sharpening it.

I always did think

there was something wrong
with him, master.

You were absolutely right.

And we can't take
any chances Mr. Steed.

- Oh, I appreciate that.
- I'm sorry, but rules are rules.

- But of course.
- We have to kill you.

But you've already
done that!

Oh, naughty, naughty,
Mr. Steed!

(gunshots)

Hold it!

Thanks, Tara.

Now she's gone.

(women scream)

Would you care to go first?

Oh, why, certainly.

He's coming round.

Give him a nip of brandy.

All right,
Mr. Happychap, sir?

(choked cry)

Steed?

Steed, are you coming?!

No, you go on.

I've got a bit of, uh...
mopping up to do.

Mr. Happychap?

Steed is alive and well,
but...

But he's staying on
in Paradise.

Like it?

Very complicated,
isn't it?

Mother: Steed, Tara?

Uh-oh.
Bit of a squash.

Mother!

I'd say!

Splendid achievement,
Steed, splendid!

Oh, thank you very much.

It's hard to believe
you assembled it yourself.

Oh, the instruction booklet
is very explicit.

Yes, but a thing like this
and in your own backyard.

It must've been expensive.

Oh, I've saved up a bit.

I've always wanted
one of these.

Oh, where are you going?

Outside.

Outside?!

Yes. I want to take a snap
of it for my album.

Ah.

Where do you light
the blue paper?

(chuckles) You don't.

All you do is press
that button there.

This one?

Yeah.

(machinery rumbles)

No!

How do you stop it?

Uh... (chuckles)

that part of the kit
arrives next week.

Steed!

Mother:
Steed! Steed!

I demand that you bring
that thing down at once!

Demand?
(chuckles)

Can you get us down?

Eventually, yes.

At least I think I can.

Eventually.

There's no hurry.

Is there?

None at all.

They'll be back.
You can depend on it.

They're un-chaperoned
up there.