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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,802 --> 00:00:04,305 * 2 00:00:07,541 --> 00:00:10,411 Whoa! Ma, what is happening here? 3 00:00:10,444 --> 00:00:13,781 Your apartment has more space for me to do my home yoga. 4 00:00:13,814 --> 00:00:16,250 Your mom's still got it, huh? 5 00:00:16,284 --> 00:00:19,720 If "it" is the ability to make me uncomfortable in my own home, 6 00:00:19,753 --> 00:00:21,689 then, yep, you still got it. 7 00:00:21,722 --> 00:00:25,426 Mom, you can't keep letting yourself in here. 8 00:00:25,459 --> 00:00:27,061 Okay. Message received. 9 00:00:27,095 --> 00:00:28,796 Okay. Namaste. 10 00:00:28,829 --> 00:00:30,664 Thank you for understanding. 11 00:00:30,698 --> 00:00:33,634 (tense music playing) 12 00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:34,602 (girl screams) 13 00:00:34,635 --> 00:00:35,603 Whoa. (chuckles) 14 00:00:35,636 --> 00:00:36,737 JUDY: Scary, huh? 15 00:00:36,770 --> 00:00:38,772 (screams) 16 00:00:40,174 --> 00:00:42,810 I know. I know. (chuckles) 17 00:00:42,843 --> 00:00:45,246 And here we are. 18 00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:48,249 Mom! 19 00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:50,384 Oh. I must've dozed off. 20 00:00:50,418 --> 00:00:51,452 Hi. 21 00:00:51,485 --> 00:00:54,122 So, who's your friend? 22 00:00:57,358 --> 00:00:59,360 (keys jangling, lock clicking) 23 00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:01,329 JUDY: Oh! Josh! 24 00:01:01,362 --> 00:01:03,331 (knocking) My key's not working! 25 00:01:07,301 --> 00:01:09,503 That is because I had the locks changed. 26 00:01:10,604 --> 00:01:12,306 How can I help you? 27 00:01:14,308 --> 00:01:16,310 Well, I just came over to see my son, 28 00:01:16,344 --> 00:01:19,347 but now I realize he hates me. 29 00:01:19,380 --> 00:01:22,416 Oh, good, I was worried you might overreact. 30 00:01:22,450 --> 00:01:23,651 Come in. 31 00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:25,486 Where did I go wrong? 32 00:01:25,519 --> 00:01:28,422 Was I too loving? Too supportive? 33 00:01:28,456 --> 00:01:31,425 I tell you to reach for too many stars? 34 00:01:31,459 --> 00:01:33,361 No. Look, I'm gonna say something, 35 00:01:33,394 --> 00:01:34,728 and I don't want you to take it personally. 36 00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:37,331 Too late. I'm already offended. (sighs) 37 00:01:37,365 --> 00:01:38,899 This isn't about you. 38 00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:40,901 I've lived independently for the last 20 years, 39 00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:43,271 and that shouldn't change just because I moved back to New York 40 00:01:43,304 --> 00:01:45,739 and we now share a wall, that I wish was much thicker, 41 00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:48,842 because I have heard things no son should have to hear. 42 00:01:48,876 --> 00:01:53,447 So now I have to apologize for being a generous lover? 43 00:01:53,481 --> 00:01:56,450 Another thing no son should have to hear. 44 00:01:58,552 --> 00:02:02,356 There's something wrong with your door! 45 00:02:02,390 --> 00:02:04,625 You put a lock on that door, too? 46 00:02:04,658 --> 00:02:06,694 Yes. You people attack from all sides. 47 00:02:08,396 --> 00:02:10,464 Can you believe this crazy weather? 48 00:02:10,498 --> 00:02:13,167 Yesterday, it was freezing, and now it's boiling. 49 00:02:13,201 --> 00:02:15,936 Josh, feel my armpit. 50 00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:17,305 I'm good. 51 00:02:17,338 --> 00:02:19,840 You can soft-boil an egg in there. 52 00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:21,309 Harry, 53 00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:24,178 Josh changed his locks. 54 00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:29,483 And now it's cold again. 55 00:02:30,851 --> 00:02:33,487 * La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la * 56 00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:35,523 * Come on, won't you take me home? * 57 00:02:44,965 --> 00:02:47,535 What are you doing? You could kill somebody. 58 00:02:47,568 --> 00:02:49,670 No, don't worry. They land on the roof across the street. 59 00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:52,506 Most of the time. 60 00:02:52,540 --> 00:02:55,709 Oh, bro, I heard you iced Mom out of your apartment. 61 00:02:55,743 --> 00:02:57,245 Yeah, that's right. I put my foot down. 62 00:02:57,278 --> 00:02:58,712 Laid down the law. 63 00:02:58,746 --> 00:02:59,780 Yeah, good for you. Thanks. 64 00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:00,781 I mean, it only took a divorce, 65 00:03:00,814 --> 00:03:02,483 a crushing job loss, 66 00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:05,586 and moving back home for you to finally grow a pair. 67 00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:08,322 Yeah, well, I think I deserve a little privacy. 68 00:03:08,356 --> 00:03:10,324 I'm impressed. Thank you. 69 00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:12,726 Yeah, I look forward to watching it blow up in your face. 70 00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:13,961 (glass shatters) 71 00:03:13,994 --> 00:03:15,429 Oh, crap. 72 00:03:15,463 --> 00:03:17,498 Duck! 73 00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:19,800 Hey, babe. What you got there? 74 00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:22,603 I asked your mother if I could see some old holiday cards, 75 00:03:22,636 --> 00:03:24,672 because I didn't want to repeat an outfit this year. 76 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:25,673 Mm-hmm. 77 00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:26,607 What do you notice? 78 00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:27,608 (sucks air through teeth) 79 00:03:27,641 --> 00:03:30,278 I won the DNA lottery? 80 00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:31,679 No. 81 00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:33,547 Who's not here anymore? 82 00:03:33,581 --> 00:03:35,716 Kim! 83 00:03:35,749 --> 00:03:38,586 Yes. After she and Josh got divorced, 84 00:03:38,619 --> 00:03:42,490 your mother cut her out of every picture she was ever in. 85 00:03:42,523 --> 00:03:44,725 See? No Kim, no Kim, no Kim. 86 00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:49,897 Ugh, that was like a flipbook of my hair coming into its own. 87 00:03:49,930 --> 00:03:51,899 Andrew, this is why your mother 88 00:03:51,932 --> 00:03:54,268 puts me on the end of every picture-- 89 00:03:54,302 --> 00:03:55,803 so I'm croppable. 90 00:03:55,836 --> 00:03:59,607 In her mind, I am not a permanent member of this family. 91 00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:02,476 Well, in my mind, you are. 92 00:04:02,510 --> 00:04:04,745 That means nothing to me. 93 00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:07,915 I am a permanent member of this family. 94 00:04:07,948 --> 00:04:09,917 And tomorrow I'm gonna prove it, 95 00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:11,852 by getting in the middle of that photo. 96 00:04:11,885 --> 00:04:13,854 You're an animal. Nothing can stop you. 97 00:04:13,887 --> 00:04:15,556 Thank you, babe. Oh. 98 00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:17,958 Oh, no, sorry. I was talking to myself in 2014. 99 00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:24,465 There you go. 100 00:04:24,498 --> 00:04:25,899 Ah! What up, Josh? 101 00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:27,167 What up, fellas? 102 00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:31,605 You're weirdly happy for a grown man who lives with his parents. 103 00:04:31,639 --> 00:04:34,041 Ian, even you can't bother me today. 104 00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:36,043 I just got a date with Jennifer Love Hewitt. 105 00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:41,315 Who are those people? 106 00:04:41,349 --> 00:04:43,417 Guys, I Know What You Did Last Summer. 107 00:04:43,451 --> 00:04:45,753 Testified at my parents' divorce? 108 00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:48,389 Jennifer Love Hewitt is a famous actress, 109 00:04:48,422 --> 00:04:50,924 and she is friends with a friend of mine's friend. 110 00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:53,594 That's right. She's only in town for one night, 111 00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:57,331 and, yep, J.Love.Hew wants a piece of you-know-who. 112 00:04:57,365 --> 00:04:58,899 Hey, man, you have fun with this famous actress 113 00:04:58,932 --> 00:05:00,901 that we don't know. In the meantime, 114 00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:03,036 I'm-a need a copy of your new key. Building policy. 115 00:05:03,070 --> 00:05:04,805 Yeah, okay. I'll bring it down later. Thank you, sir. 116 00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:06,640 (quietly): Cha-ching. 117 00:05:06,674 --> 00:05:07,741 (mumbles, chuckles) 118 00:05:08,776 --> 00:05:09,877 I'm sorry, 119 00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:11,645 did you just say "cha-ching"? 120 00:05:11,679 --> 00:05:13,381 No, no. That was... that was me. 121 00:05:13,414 --> 00:05:18,118 Um, I dropped something that made the cha-ching sound. 122 00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:22,022 My mother offered you money for a copy of my key. 123 00:05:22,055 --> 00:05:24,825 (chuckles) You had to make the cha-ching sound, didn't you? 124 00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:26,694 I knew it. All right, well, fine. 125 00:05:26,727 --> 00:05:27,895 Don't give it to me. But you have to give it 126 00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:29,430 to someone in the building. 127 00:05:29,463 --> 00:05:29,997 Why? 128 00:05:31,064 --> 00:05:33,367 It's a sad story, fellas. Uh... 129 00:05:33,401 --> 00:05:36,970 It was Christmas Eve, 1984. My, uh... 130 00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:39,673 my grandfather was the doorman at the Barrymore. 131 00:05:39,707 --> 00:05:42,576 11F started choking on a candy cane. 132 00:05:42,610 --> 00:05:44,512 She, uh, managed to call down for help, 133 00:05:44,545 --> 00:05:45,979 but Gramps didn't have the spare. 134 00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:49,149 By the time the fire department broke down the door, well, 135 00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:51,685 let's just say that the next doorman who helped her 136 00:05:51,719 --> 00:05:53,721 was St. Peter at the pearly gates. 137 00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:57,458 You make that story fresh every time. 138 00:05:57,491 --> 00:05:58,526 Thanks, little man. I appreciate that. 139 00:05:58,559 --> 00:06:01,729 It's a safety issue, Josh. Somebody needs a key, man. 140 00:06:01,762 --> 00:06:02,996 Okay, fine. I just have to find someone 141 00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:04,832 who's not afraid to stand up to my mother. 142 00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:07,100 Might be easier to just move back to L.A. 143 00:06:08,101 --> 00:06:09,670 No. 144 00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:11,739 I know someone who'd be happy to help. 145 00:06:11,772 --> 00:06:14,007 Oh, hell no! 146 00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:15,543 Why not? 147 00:06:15,576 --> 00:06:17,778 Because I can only fight one battle at a time 148 00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:20,614 against your mother, and I've already waged a different war. 149 00:06:20,648 --> 00:06:22,783 She doesn't want to end up like your ex-wife. 150 00:06:22,816 --> 00:06:23,817 Living in the house I paid for 151 00:06:23,851 --> 00:06:25,853 with a 25-year-old furniture maker? 152 00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:28,088 Cropped out of family photos. 153 00:06:28,121 --> 00:06:30,924 Tomorrow, I'm getting in the middle of that picture. 154 00:06:30,958 --> 00:06:32,125 Good luck with that. 155 00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:34,828 Yeah, she's gonna need it. (chuckles) 156 00:06:34,862 --> 00:06:38,466 You're not gonna need it. You'll probably win. 157 00:06:38,499 --> 00:06:40,668 All right, well, 158 00:06:40,701 --> 00:06:42,703 since Eve won't hold my key, it's all you, bro. 159 00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:44,705 Oh, that is a hard pass. 160 00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:46,039 I don't want to get in the middle 161 00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:47,841 of you and Mom's sick little dance. 162 00:06:47,875 --> 00:06:50,644 Besides, I'm not a key guy. 163 00:06:50,678 --> 00:06:51,445 What do you mean? 164 00:06:51,479 --> 00:06:54,882 I mean I'm not a guy who has keys. 165 00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:58,118 Key guys are responsible and average and play by the rules. 166 00:06:58,151 --> 00:07:01,121 I'm a heart surgeon-- I make the rules. 167 00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:05,058 Besides, keys in my pocket mess up the lines of my pants. 168 00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:07,027 And smooth pants are more important 169 00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:09,062 than helping your brother if there's an emergency? 170 00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:13,100 You tell me. 171 00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:14,902 Yeah. 172 00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:16,870 Dad? Hey. 173 00:07:16,904 --> 00:07:18,672 Guess the temperature. 174 00:07:18,706 --> 00:07:20,140 Worst game show ever. 175 00:07:20,173 --> 00:07:21,742 48 degrees. 176 00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:23,210 This morning, it was 80. 177 00:07:23,243 --> 00:07:24,812 Al Gore was right. 178 00:07:24,845 --> 00:07:28,215 This is inconvenient. 179 00:07:28,248 --> 00:07:29,850 Where's Mom? 180 00:07:29,883 --> 00:07:32,219 She and Ida Feldman went to Ellis Island 181 00:07:32,252 --> 00:07:35,989 to look up whose ancestors were more attractive. 182 00:07:36,023 --> 00:07:38,258 Great. I need you to keep the spare key to my apartment. 183 00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:40,260 No problem. And you can't tell Mom. 184 00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:42,062 Tremendous problem. 185 00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:44,765 Your mother and I are a team. 186 00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:46,800 I don't like keeping secrets from her. 187 00:07:46,834 --> 00:07:48,769 It puts a lot of pressure on me. 188 00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:51,104 Come on. I'm asking you to hide a key, not a dead body. 189 00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:53,674 Well, actually, I can think of a lot of places 190 00:07:53,707 --> 00:07:54,942 to hide a dead body. 191 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,077 I watch every CSI. 192 00:07:57,110 --> 00:07:58,646 It's a safety issue. 193 00:07:58,679 --> 00:07:59,847 I mean, what if I choke on a candy cane, 194 00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:01,515 and no one can get into my apartment? 195 00:08:01,549 --> 00:08:05,085 Nick's grandfather never forgave himself. 196 00:08:05,118 --> 00:08:07,555 I don't think I can do this, Josh. 197 00:08:07,588 --> 00:08:08,956 Of course you can, Dad. 198 00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:10,524 You're a strong and powerful man. 199 00:08:10,558 --> 00:08:11,859 I did box in college. 200 00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:13,894 Yeah, you did. It's the final round. 201 00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:16,229 You're on the ropes, but you got a secret weapon. 202 00:08:16,263 --> 00:08:17,765 What is it? It's heart. 203 00:08:17,798 --> 00:08:19,066 That's what I was hoping it was! 204 00:08:19,099 --> 00:08:21,201 That's what it is! Give me that key! 205 00:08:21,234 --> 00:08:22,703 Yeah! I can do this. 206 00:08:22,736 --> 00:08:24,772 Eye of the tiger, Dad! Yes. 207 00:08:29,643 --> 00:08:32,546 Let's go! Time for the holiday photo! 208 00:08:32,580 --> 00:08:34,081 (laughs) 209 00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:35,916 I photograph best 210 00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:38,952 from the upper left, and no low angles on my husband. 211 00:08:38,986 --> 00:08:40,588 He has nostrils for days. (laughs) 212 00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:44,558 Yes. I have all your notes from the last five years. 213 00:08:44,592 --> 00:08:45,659 (fake laughs) Yeah. 214 00:08:45,693 --> 00:08:46,927 (fake laughs) 215 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,562 Hey. What's up, Terrance? Ooh! 216 00:08:48,596 --> 00:08:49,963 (quietly): She's in rare form. Oh, boy. 217 00:08:49,997 --> 00:08:52,566 Oh, Josh, I understand you're going on a date 218 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:53,901 with Jennifer Lopez Hewitt. 219 00:08:53,934 --> 00:08:55,736 It's Love. 220 00:08:55,769 --> 00:08:57,971 Oh, we'll see. Yeah. 221 00:08:58,005 --> 00:09:00,974 Also, it turns out that Ida Feldman-- whose ancestors 222 00:09:01,008 --> 00:09:03,977 were hideous, by the way-- doesn't have a key 223 00:09:04,011 --> 00:09:05,746 to her son's apartment, either, 224 00:09:05,779 --> 00:09:07,948 so I've decided not to take it personally. 225 00:09:07,981 --> 00:09:09,650 Isn't Ida's son in jail? 226 00:09:09,683 --> 00:09:11,919 Just take the win, Josh. Okay. 227 00:09:11,952 --> 00:09:13,220 Hey! What's happening, baby? Hi. 228 00:09:13,253 --> 00:09:15,155 Aw. Look, my beautiful boys! 229 00:09:15,188 --> 00:09:17,224 Are you wearing makeup? 230 00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:19,727 Just powdered away the shine, like a man. 231 00:09:21,028 --> 00:09:22,930 All right, Harry, let's go! 232 00:09:22,963 --> 00:09:24,364 Here! (Judy laughs) 233 00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:26,767 Hey, you look great, Dad! I feel great, Josh. 234 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:29,369 I got the key thing all figured out. 235 00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:31,038 There you go, champ. I knew you could do it! 236 00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:33,006 I hid it in a perfect spot that no one will ever find. 237 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:34,608 Great, great, great! 238 00:09:34,642 --> 00:09:36,777 All right, everyone, by the plant. 239 00:09:36,810 --> 00:09:38,879 Uh-oh. 240 00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:40,848 You hid the key in the plant? 241 00:09:40,881 --> 00:09:43,016 Yeah, but now we're gonna be at the plant, 242 00:09:43,050 --> 00:09:45,318 and-and now it's in my mind, and-and your mother... 243 00:09:45,352 --> 00:09:48,088 Come on, Dad. You can do this. Just be cool. 244 00:09:48,121 --> 00:09:50,023 Cool is your middle name. 245 00:09:50,057 --> 00:09:51,959 It's Saul. Okay, just... 246 00:09:51,992 --> 00:09:54,227 Okay, Daddy and I are in the middle. 247 00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:55,996 Josh, you're over here. Okay. 248 00:09:56,029 --> 00:09:58,165 Andrew 249 00:09:58,198 --> 00:10:00,634 and Wyatt will be here, and 250 00:10:00,668 --> 00:10:02,703 Eve, you're... good there. 251 00:10:02,736 --> 00:10:05,338 Actually, Judy, I was thinking that maybe 252 00:10:05,372 --> 00:10:07,875 this year, I could stand... here. 253 00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:10,077 Well, good for you for thinking. 254 00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:11,712 (laughs) 255 00:10:11,745 --> 00:10:13,346 But holidays are all about traditions. 256 00:10:13,380 --> 00:10:15,348 So... 257 00:10:15,382 --> 00:10:17,785 Remember, Harry, nostrils in. 258 00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:21,989 You know what? You're right. 259 00:10:22,022 --> 00:10:24,057 Let's change places over here. 260 00:10:24,091 --> 00:10:25,659 Honey, come over by the plant. 261 00:10:25,693 --> 00:10:26,960 Josh, you, too. Okay. 262 00:10:26,994 --> 00:10:29,229 That's good. All right, ready. 263 00:10:29,262 --> 00:10:32,833 All right, everyone, smile. 264 00:10:32,866 --> 00:10:35,836 Uh, eyes over here, Mr. Roberts. 265 00:10:35,869 --> 00:10:37,771 Why? Where's he looking? Where are you looking? Nowhere. 266 00:10:37,805 --> 00:10:39,072 He keeps looking at the plant. 267 00:10:39,106 --> 00:10:40,340 Who asked you, Terrance?! 268 00:10:41,709 --> 00:10:43,043 What's going on? Nothing. Nothing. 269 00:10:43,076 --> 00:10:44,444 What is the matter, Harry? 270 00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:46,113 You're acting very strange. 271 00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:50,117 No, I'm not. The key is in the plant. 272 00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:51,919 Way to be cool, Saul. 273 00:10:51,952 --> 00:10:54,087 Is this Josh's spare key? 274 00:10:54,121 --> 00:10:55,789 Yes. 275 00:10:55,823 --> 00:10:58,826 I only kept it because Andrew and Eve refused. 276 00:10:58,859 --> 00:11:01,161 'Cause we love you, Ma. 277 00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:06,099 So you offered your key to everyone in this family but me. 278 00:11:06,133 --> 00:11:07,935 So it is personal. 279 00:11:07,968 --> 00:11:10,838 Ma, you're the only one who barges into my apartment naked. 280 00:11:10,871 --> 00:11:12,039 Oh, I wasn't naked. 281 00:11:12,072 --> 00:11:14,107 I was using my hands as a bra. 282 00:11:15,242 --> 00:11:17,477 Joshua, if I am not welcome in your home, 283 00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:20,147 then you are not welcome in mine. Not a problem for me. 284 00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:21,749 Great. From now on, 285 00:11:21,782 --> 00:11:23,851 we'll be just regular tenant and landlady. 286 00:11:23,884 --> 00:11:25,753 Fine. Fine! 287 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,188 Hey, you guys want to take a five or something? 288 00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:30,057 No, no, no, no. Take the picture. 289 00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:32,225 I want a reminder of the exact moment 290 00:11:32,259 --> 00:11:34,361 when my only son broke my heart. 291 00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:35,796 Uh... Oh. 292 00:11:35,829 --> 00:11:37,430 You know what I mean. 293 00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:39,867 All right, say cheese. 294 00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:41,902 Cheese. (camera shutter clicks) 295 00:11:50,510 --> 00:11:51,478 Hey. What are you eating? 296 00:11:51,511 --> 00:11:53,814 Toast. Huge toast guy. 297 00:11:53,847 --> 00:11:56,249 Ah. At 6:30 at night? 298 00:11:56,283 --> 00:11:59,419 Toast knows no time, bro. 299 00:11:59,452 --> 00:12:01,454 Hey, I can't believe you haven't spoken to Mom in three days. 300 00:12:01,488 --> 00:12:02,856 Has that ever happened? 301 00:12:02,890 --> 00:12:04,825 Uh, once at Camp Chippewa in Maine, 302 00:12:04,858 --> 00:12:07,527 but she showed up on the fourth day 'cause she was so worried. 303 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,529 I mean, I feel bad I hurt her, but look at me. 304 00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:11,231 I'm getting ready for my big date, 305 00:12:11,264 --> 00:12:13,066 and I don't have to worry about her barging in 306 00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:14,501 and saying, "Is that what you're wearing?" (laughs) 307 00:12:14,534 --> 00:12:17,037 Is it? 308 00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:19,172 Yes. The point is, I am 309 00:12:19,206 --> 00:12:21,441 loving my privacy. What is it-- the shirt? 310 00:12:21,474 --> 00:12:23,944 Yeah, and the pants. Okay. Thank you. 311 00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:25,879 (knocking) Can you get that? 312 00:12:25,913 --> 00:12:29,282 Terrance sent me a copy of the photo! 313 00:12:29,316 --> 00:12:31,018 Look who's in the middle. 314 00:12:31,051 --> 00:12:32,552 Oh, and you look so pretty. 315 00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:35,355 Aw, I can't believe this is gonna be the holiday card. 316 00:12:35,388 --> 00:12:37,424 Oh, it's not. 317 00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:39,059 Why not? 318 00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:41,194 Because I'm no longer sending one out. 319 00:12:41,228 --> 00:12:44,464 Josh has taken away my will to spread cheer. 320 00:12:48,969 --> 00:12:51,471 But I'm in the middle. 321 00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:53,907 Hey, what's it like out? Coat or no coat? 322 00:12:53,941 --> 00:12:55,542 Yeah, I'm not really a weather guy. 323 00:12:55,575 --> 00:12:58,545 (door closes) 324 00:13:02,983 --> 00:13:05,953 Lot of coats, lot of tank tops. 325 00:13:05,986 --> 00:13:07,821 Light sweater. 326 00:13:07,855 --> 00:13:09,389 (siren wailing in distance) 327 00:13:11,158 --> 00:13:14,227 No! Stupid new lock! 328 00:13:15,528 --> 00:13:17,197 (scoffs) 329 00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:23,136 No! Andrew?! 330 00:13:23,170 --> 00:13:24,537 Wait. What? 331 00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:28,241 Should I get a coat? 332 00:13:28,275 --> 00:13:31,078 Nah, I'm good. 333 00:13:31,111 --> 00:13:33,080 Damn it. 334 00:13:33,113 --> 00:13:35,515 (distant horns honking) 335 00:13:37,017 --> 00:13:38,818 Oh. 336 00:13:39,887 --> 00:13:41,588 Okay. 337 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,395 (siren wailing in distance) 338 00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:50,630 Dad?! Dad?! 339 00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:54,234 Hello, neighbor. Hi. 340 00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:57,437 You're awfully chipper for someone who's trespassing. 341 00:13:57,470 --> 00:13:59,506 Well, I just wanted Dad to see 342 00:13:59,539 --> 00:14:02,275 how warm yet cold it is outside. Hmm. 343 00:14:02,309 --> 00:14:04,077 This armpit's sweaty, the other's room temp. 344 00:14:04,111 --> 00:14:05,545 I thought he might like to feel. 345 00:14:05,578 --> 00:14:08,081 I'm sure he would, but as you may recall, 346 00:14:08,115 --> 00:14:10,017 you are no longer welcome in my home, 347 00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:12,252 and my balcony is part of my home. 348 00:14:12,285 --> 00:14:13,987 Yes. Of course. I'll just... 349 00:14:14,021 --> 00:14:16,023 Yeah. (grunts) 350 00:14:20,961 --> 00:14:23,630 Well, shouldn't you be getting ready for your date 351 00:14:23,663 --> 00:14:25,865 with Jennifer Hewlett-Packard? 352 00:14:28,635 --> 00:14:32,172 Yes, and I will, right now. 353 00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:34,207 By way of my apartment. 354 00:14:36,509 --> 00:14:38,511 Just go on right in there. 355 00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:45,986 (groans) 356 00:14:46,019 --> 00:14:49,656 I understand you have an armpit for me to touch. 357 00:14:49,689 --> 00:14:52,159 No. I'm locked out and my date's in 20 minutes. 358 00:14:52,192 --> 00:14:53,927 I need you to distract Mom 359 00:14:53,961 --> 00:14:55,295 so I can sneak through your apartment. 360 00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:57,630 Not gonna happen. Mommy's still so upset 361 00:14:57,664 --> 00:14:59,332 about the key betrayal. 362 00:14:59,366 --> 00:15:01,568 She took away my Mallomars. 363 00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:03,170 Well, I'm not missing my date because of her. 364 00:15:03,203 --> 00:15:04,637 Okay, we'll work it out. 365 00:15:04,671 --> 00:15:06,706 As a lawyer, I settle domestic disputes 366 00:15:06,739 --> 00:15:10,143 all day long. We'll negotiate. 367 00:15:10,177 --> 00:15:11,945 Well, obviously, I want a key. 368 00:15:11,979 --> 00:15:15,115 I'll tell him. I'm not done. 369 00:15:15,148 --> 00:15:17,617 Three dinners a week, brunch every Sunday, 370 00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:19,086 two Broadway shows a month, 371 00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:21,054 one of which must be a musical... 372 00:15:21,088 --> 00:15:23,123 and she wants to be my plus-one 373 00:15:23,156 --> 00:15:26,126 at any award shows I'm invited to except the Grammys? 374 00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:27,627 They're too loud for her. Oh. 375 00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:28,628 I'm getting killed here. 376 00:15:28,661 --> 00:15:30,230 What kind of mediator are you? 377 00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:31,331 Don't panic. 378 00:15:31,364 --> 00:15:33,433 This is negotiating 101. 379 00:15:33,466 --> 00:15:37,137 You ask for more than you need so you get what you want. 380 00:15:37,170 --> 00:15:38,738 Okay, give me that pen. 381 00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:41,608 I'm gonna make a list of things that I want. 382 00:15:41,641 --> 00:15:44,511 No. 383 00:15:44,544 --> 00:15:47,247 Well, if she just said no, then what took so long? 384 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:49,316 I thought I figured out where she hid my Mallomars, 385 00:15:49,349 --> 00:15:50,984 but I was wrong. 386 00:15:51,018 --> 00:15:53,753 (groans) Well, if I want to make my date, I have no choice. 387 00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:55,755 Tell that lunatic she has a deal. 388 00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:57,724 Lunatic? I'm not the one who put an automatic lock 389 00:15:57,757 --> 00:15:59,626 on my back door. 390 00:15:59,659 --> 00:16:02,996 Let's not get derailed. All we need is a handshake. 391 00:16:03,030 --> 00:16:04,764 What's going on? Shouldn't you be on your date? 392 00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:07,534 Andrew and Eve, thank God. I am locked out. 393 00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:10,503 Mom, you can take your deal and shove it. 394 00:16:10,537 --> 00:16:11,738 I can go through their apartment, 395 00:16:11,771 --> 00:16:13,773 so boom! The kid pulls it out 396 00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,542 in the nick of time. 397 00:16:15,575 --> 00:16:16,709 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 398 00:16:16,743 --> 00:16:18,711 Sorry, Josh. This is bigger than you. 399 00:16:18,745 --> 00:16:20,447 (phone rings) 400 00:16:23,550 --> 00:16:26,186 Hello. 401 00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:28,055 I won't let him in... 402 00:16:28,088 --> 00:16:30,757 if you use the picture with me in the middle 403 00:16:30,790 --> 00:16:32,792 for the holiday card. 404 00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:35,128 Done. 405 00:16:36,429 --> 00:16:38,565 I'd also like an apology 406 00:16:38,598 --> 00:16:40,333 for all the things that you... Okay, bye-bye. 407 00:16:43,303 --> 00:16:45,805 You just out-Judy'd Judy. 408 00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:47,040 Yeah, I did. 409 00:16:47,074 --> 00:16:48,775 That is so hot. 410 00:16:48,808 --> 00:16:50,643 (click) Get in here. 411 00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:52,479 Guys. Guys, guys, guys. Let me... 412 00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:53,613 Come on. Sorry, bro. This is bigger than you. 413 00:16:53,646 --> 00:16:56,349 B-B-But-but... 414 00:16:57,617 --> 00:16:59,786 Okay. Looks like you win. 415 00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:04,524 (sighs) I will take the deal. 416 00:17:04,557 --> 00:17:07,460 Oh, I'm sorry, son, that deal is no longer available. 417 00:17:07,494 --> 00:17:10,029 It's been shoved. 418 00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:13,233 I do have a new offer, though. 419 00:17:13,266 --> 00:17:15,768 Everything from my original list, and you join 420 00:17:15,802 --> 00:17:18,838 your father and me on our cruise to Alaska this summer. 421 00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:20,307 Absolutely not. 422 00:17:20,340 --> 00:17:21,741 Dad, tell her you don't want me to go. 423 00:17:21,774 --> 00:17:23,176 If I say that I want him to go, 424 00:17:23,210 --> 00:17:25,078 will you tell me where the Mallomars are? 425 00:17:25,112 --> 00:17:26,379 They're in a hatbox in my closet. 426 00:17:26,413 --> 00:17:27,714 Josh, I'm sorry, 427 00:17:27,747 --> 00:17:29,216 this is bigger than you. Wha... 428 00:17:30,850 --> 00:17:32,719 Ahoy, matey. 429 00:17:32,752 --> 00:17:36,223 Fine, but I get my own cabin. With an adjoining door. 430 00:17:36,256 --> 00:17:38,191 That locks on my side. No, it doesn't. 431 00:17:38,225 --> 00:17:39,259 Deal. 432 00:17:39,292 --> 00:17:41,294 Have fun on your date. 433 00:17:43,796 --> 00:17:45,832 Are we really going to Alaska? 434 00:17:45,865 --> 00:17:47,400 We are now. 435 00:17:54,741 --> 00:17:56,743 He's not wrong. 436 00:17:58,245 --> 00:18:00,247 (knocking) 437 00:18:05,818 --> 00:18:08,255 Oh, look at you, knocking all respectfully. 438 00:18:08,288 --> 00:18:11,291 That's cute. I don't have my key yet. 439 00:18:11,324 --> 00:18:13,626 I'll get it. Come in, have a seat. 440 00:18:13,660 --> 00:18:15,862 How was your date? 441 00:18:15,895 --> 00:18:19,432 Eh, it wasn't a date. Jennifer's married. 442 00:18:19,466 --> 00:18:22,435 Turns out she's playing Helen Keller in a new Hallmark movie, 443 00:18:22,469 --> 00:18:23,703 she saw me in Blind Cop, 444 00:18:23,736 --> 00:18:26,339 and wanted advice on how to act blind. 445 00:18:26,373 --> 00:18:29,142 If she didn't fall in love with this face, 446 00:18:29,176 --> 00:18:31,278 then she's already blind. 447 00:18:31,311 --> 00:18:33,446 Thanks, Ma. (short chuckle) 448 00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:34,881 Here it is. 449 00:18:37,350 --> 00:18:39,352 And look, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. 450 00:18:39,386 --> 00:18:41,154 I love you. 451 00:18:41,188 --> 00:18:43,223 But if we're together all the time, 452 00:18:43,256 --> 00:18:45,325 that might make it feel... 453 00:18:45,358 --> 00:18:46,859 Less special. Hmm. 454 00:18:46,893 --> 00:18:48,661 I understand. 455 00:18:48,695 --> 00:18:50,363 When your father was courting me, 456 00:18:50,397 --> 00:18:52,732 he brought me flowers every day. 457 00:18:52,765 --> 00:18:54,234 I finally said, "What's with the flowers? 458 00:18:54,267 --> 00:18:56,236 I'm running out of vases." 459 00:18:56,269 --> 00:18:59,172 Yes, that's exactly what I mean. 460 00:18:59,206 --> 00:19:00,840 I guess I missed you so much when you were in L.A., 461 00:19:00,873 --> 00:19:04,244 I'm... trying to make up for lost time. 462 00:19:05,845 --> 00:19:08,181 Here. 463 00:19:08,215 --> 00:19:09,416 Wow. 464 00:19:09,449 --> 00:19:11,418 Ma, thanks. 465 00:19:11,451 --> 00:19:12,952 That is a huge step for you. 466 00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:15,188 Yeah, I can't do it. 467 00:19:23,963 --> 00:19:26,199 Mom just gave me the mock-up of the holiday card! 468 00:19:26,233 --> 00:19:27,667 Gimme, gimme, gimme! 469 00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:30,403 I can't believe you went up against our mother and won. 470 00:19:30,437 --> 00:19:31,938 That is a feeling I do not know. 471 00:19:31,971 --> 00:19:34,774 You and Mom can talk about that in Alaska. 472 00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:37,377 (gasps) 473 00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:39,679 Wait a minute. 474 00:19:39,712 --> 00:19:41,981 She put me in the crease. 475 00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:44,951 She didn't crop you, but she creased you. 476 00:19:44,984 --> 00:19:48,388 There's a big line down the middle of my face. 477 00:19:48,421 --> 00:19:51,391 I'm just two arms and a bunch of hair. 478 00:19:51,424 --> 00:19:53,926 That's not true-- I can also see a piece of your lip. 479 00:19:54,994 --> 00:19:56,963 You can never out-Judy Judy. 480 00:19:56,996 --> 00:19:59,432 Well, I'm not giving up. I'll get her next year. 481 00:19:59,466 --> 00:20:00,767 JUDY: No, you won't. 482 00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,802 (all scream) 483 00:20:08,775 --> 00:20:10,777 Captioning sponsored by CBS 484 00:20:14,914 --> 00:20:16,916 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 485 00:20:17,016 --> 00:20:19,452 * La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la * 486 00:20:19,486 --> 00:20:21,888 * La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la * 487 00:20:21,921 --> 00:20:24,424 * La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la * 488 00:20:24,457 --> 00:20:26,459 * Come on, won't you take me home? * 34909

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