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1
00:00:01,802 --> 00:00:04,305
*
2
00:00:07,541 --> 00:00:10,411
Whoa! Ma,
what is happening here?
3
00:00:10,444 --> 00:00:13,781
Your apartment has more space
for me to do my home yoga.
4
00:00:13,814 --> 00:00:16,250
Your mom's still got it, huh?
5
00:00:16,284 --> 00:00:19,720
If "it" is the ability to make
me uncomfortable in my own home,
6
00:00:19,753 --> 00:00:21,689
then, yep, you still got it.
7
00:00:21,722 --> 00:00:25,426
Mom, you can't keep
letting yourself in here.
8
00:00:25,459 --> 00:00:27,061
Okay. Message received.
9
00:00:27,095 --> 00:00:28,796
Okay.
Namaste.
10
00:00:28,829 --> 00:00:30,664
Thank you for
understanding.
11
00:00:30,698 --> 00:00:33,634
(tense music playing)
12
00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:34,602
(girl screams)
13
00:00:34,635 --> 00:00:35,603
Whoa.
(chuckles)
14
00:00:35,636 --> 00:00:36,737
JUDY:
Scary, huh?
15
00:00:36,770 --> 00:00:38,772
(screams)
16
00:00:40,174 --> 00:00:42,810
I know. I know.
(chuckles)
17
00:00:42,843 --> 00:00:45,246
And here we are.
18
00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:48,249
Mom!
19
00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:50,384
Oh. I must've dozed off.
20
00:00:50,418 --> 00:00:51,452
Hi.
21
00:00:51,485 --> 00:00:54,122
So, who's your friend?
22
00:00:57,358 --> 00:00:59,360
(keys jangling, lock clicking)
23
00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:01,329
JUDY:
Oh! Josh!
24
00:01:01,362 --> 00:01:03,331
(knocking)
My key's not working!
25
00:01:07,301 --> 00:01:09,503
That is because I had
the locks changed.
26
00:01:10,604 --> 00:01:12,306
How can I help you?
27
00:01:14,308 --> 00:01:16,310
Well, I just came over
to see my son,
28
00:01:16,344 --> 00:01:19,347
but now I realize he hates me.
29
00:01:19,380 --> 00:01:22,416
Oh, good, I was worried
you might overreact.
30
00:01:22,450 --> 00:01:23,651
Come in.
31
00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:25,486
Where did I go wrong?
32
00:01:25,519 --> 00:01:28,422
Was I too loving?
Too supportive?
33
00:01:28,456 --> 00:01:31,425
I tell you to reach
for too many stars?
34
00:01:31,459 --> 00:01:33,361
No. Look,
I'm gonna say something,
35
00:01:33,394 --> 00:01:34,728
and I don't want you
to take it personally.
36
00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:37,331
Too late. I'm
already offended.
(sighs)
37
00:01:37,365 --> 00:01:38,899
This isn't about you.
38
00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:40,901
I've lived independently
for the last 20 years,
39
00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:43,271
and that shouldn't change just
because I moved back to New York
40
00:01:43,304 --> 00:01:45,739
and we now share a wall,
that I wish was much thicker,
41
00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:48,842
because I have heard things
no son should have to hear.
42
00:01:48,876 --> 00:01:53,447
So now I have to apologize
for being a generous lover?
43
00:01:53,481 --> 00:01:56,450
Another thing no son
should have to hear.
44
00:01:58,552 --> 00:02:02,356
There's something wrong
with your door!
45
00:02:02,390 --> 00:02:04,625
You put a lock
on that door, too?
46
00:02:04,658 --> 00:02:06,694
Yes. You people attack
from all sides.
47
00:02:08,396 --> 00:02:10,464
Can you believe
this crazy weather?
48
00:02:10,498 --> 00:02:13,167
Yesterday, it was freezing,
and now it's boiling.
49
00:02:13,201 --> 00:02:15,936
Josh, feel my armpit.
50
00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:17,305
I'm good.
51
00:02:17,338 --> 00:02:19,840
You can soft-boil
an egg in there.
52
00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:21,309
Harry,
53
00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:24,178
Josh changed his locks.
54
00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:29,483
And now it's cold again.
55
00:02:30,851 --> 00:02:33,487
* La, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la *
56
00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:35,523
* Come on,
won't you take me home? *
57
00:02:44,965 --> 00:02:47,535
What are you doing?
You could kill somebody.
58
00:02:47,568 --> 00:02:49,670
No, don't worry. They land
on the roof across the street.
59
00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:52,506
Most of the time.
60
00:02:52,540 --> 00:02:55,709
Oh, bro, I heard you iced Mom
out of your apartment.
61
00:02:55,743 --> 00:02:57,245
Yeah, that's right.
I put my foot down.
62
00:02:57,278 --> 00:02:58,712
Laid down the law.
63
00:02:58,746 --> 00:02:59,780
Yeah, good for you.
Thanks.
64
00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:00,781
I mean, it only took
a divorce,
65
00:03:00,814 --> 00:03:02,483
a crushing job loss,
66
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:05,586
and moving back home
for you to finally grow a pair.
67
00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:08,322
Yeah, well, I think I
deserve a little privacy.
68
00:03:08,356 --> 00:03:10,324
I'm impressed.
Thank you.
69
00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:12,726
Yeah, I look forward to watching
it blow up in your face.
70
00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:13,961
(glass shatters)
71
00:03:13,994 --> 00:03:15,429
Oh, crap.
72
00:03:15,463 --> 00:03:17,498
Duck!
73
00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:19,800
Hey, babe.
What you got there?
74
00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:22,603
I asked your mother if I could
see some old holiday cards,
75
00:03:22,636 --> 00:03:24,672
because I didn't want to
repeat an outfit this year.
76
00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:25,673
Mm-hmm.
77
00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:26,607
What do you notice?
78
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:27,608
(sucks air through teeth)
79
00:03:27,641 --> 00:03:30,278
I won the DNA lottery?
80
00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:31,679
No.
81
00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:33,547
Who's not here anymore?
82
00:03:33,581 --> 00:03:35,716
Kim!
83
00:03:35,749 --> 00:03:38,586
Yes. After she and
Josh got divorced,
84
00:03:38,619 --> 00:03:42,490
your mother cut her out of
every picture she was ever in.
85
00:03:42,523 --> 00:03:44,725
See? No Kim, no Kim, no Kim.
86
00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:49,897
Ugh, that was like a flipbook
of my hair coming into its own.
87
00:03:49,930 --> 00:03:51,899
Andrew, this is
why your mother
88
00:03:51,932 --> 00:03:54,268
puts me on the end
of every picture--
89
00:03:54,302 --> 00:03:55,803
so I'm croppable.
90
00:03:55,836 --> 00:03:59,607
In her mind, I am not a
permanent member of this family.
91
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:02,476
Well, in my mind, you are.
92
00:04:02,510 --> 00:04:04,745
That means nothing to me.
93
00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:07,915
I am a permanent
member of this family.
94
00:04:07,948 --> 00:04:09,917
And tomorrow I'm
gonna prove it,
95
00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:11,852
by getting in the
middle of that photo.
96
00:04:11,885 --> 00:04:13,854
You're an animal.
Nothing can stop you.
97
00:04:13,887 --> 00:04:15,556
Thank you, babe.
Oh.
98
00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:17,958
Oh, no, sorry.
I was talking to myself in 2014.
99
00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:24,465
There you go.
100
00:04:24,498 --> 00:04:25,899
Ah! What up, Josh?
101
00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:27,167
What up, fellas?
102
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:31,605
You're weirdly happy for a grown
man who lives with his parents.
103
00:04:31,639 --> 00:04:34,041
Ian, even you can't
bother me today.
104
00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:36,043
I just got a date
with Jennifer Love Hewitt.
105
00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:41,315
Who are those people?
106
00:04:41,349 --> 00:04:43,417
Guys, I Know What
You Did Last Summer.
107
00:04:43,451 --> 00:04:45,753
Testified
at my parents' divorce?
108
00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:48,389
Jennifer Love Hewitt
is a famous actress,
109
00:04:48,422 --> 00:04:50,924
and she is friends
with a friend of mine's friend.
110
00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:53,594
That's right. She's only in town
for one night,
111
00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:57,331
and, yep, J.Love.Hew wants
a piece of you-know-who.
112
00:04:57,365 --> 00:04:58,899
Hey, man, you have fun
with this famous actress
113
00:04:58,932 --> 00:05:00,901
that we don't know.
In the meantime,
114
00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:03,036
I'm-a need a copy of
your new key. Building policy.
115
00:05:03,070 --> 00:05:04,805
Yeah, okay.
I'll bring it down later.
Thank you, sir.
116
00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:06,640
(quietly):
Cha-ching.
117
00:05:06,674 --> 00:05:07,741
(mumbles, chuckles)
118
00:05:08,776 --> 00:05:09,877
I'm sorry,
119
00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:11,645
did you just say "cha-ching"?
120
00:05:11,679 --> 00:05:13,381
No, no. That was...
that was me.
121
00:05:13,414 --> 00:05:18,118
Um, I dropped something
that made the cha-ching sound.
122
00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:22,022
My mother offered you money
for a copy of my key.
123
00:05:22,055 --> 00:05:24,825
(chuckles) You had to make
the cha-ching sound, didn't you?
124
00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:26,694
I knew it.
All right, well, fine.
125
00:05:26,727 --> 00:05:27,895
Don't give it to me.
But you have to give it
126
00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:29,430
to someone in the building.
127
00:05:29,463 --> 00:05:29,997
Why?
128
00:05:31,064 --> 00:05:33,367
It's a sad story, fellas. Uh...
129
00:05:33,401 --> 00:05:36,970
It was Christmas Eve,
1984. My, uh...
130
00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:39,673
my grandfather was the doorman
at the Barrymore.
131
00:05:39,707 --> 00:05:42,576
11F started choking
on a candy cane.
132
00:05:42,610 --> 00:05:44,512
She, uh, managed
to call down for help,
133
00:05:44,545 --> 00:05:45,979
but Gramps didn't have
the spare.
134
00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:49,149
By the time the fire department
broke down the door, well,
135
00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:51,685
let's just say that
the next doorman who helped her
136
00:05:51,719 --> 00:05:53,721
was St. Peter
at the pearly gates.
137
00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:57,458
You make that story fresh
every time.
138
00:05:57,491 --> 00:05:58,526
Thanks, little man.
I appreciate that.
139
00:05:58,559 --> 00:06:01,729
It's a safety issue, Josh.
Somebody needs a key, man.
140
00:06:01,762 --> 00:06:02,996
Okay, fine.
I just have to find someone
141
00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:04,832
who's not afraid
to stand up to my mother.
142
00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:07,100
Might be easier
to just move back to L.A.
143
00:06:08,101 --> 00:06:09,670
No.
144
00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:11,739
I know someone
who'd be happy to help.
145
00:06:11,772 --> 00:06:14,007
Oh, hell no!
146
00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:15,543
Why not?
147
00:06:15,576 --> 00:06:17,778
Because I can only fight
one battle at a time
148
00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:20,614
against your mother, and I've
already waged a different war.
149
00:06:20,648 --> 00:06:22,783
She doesn't want to end up
like your ex-wife.
150
00:06:22,816 --> 00:06:23,817
Living in the house I paid for
151
00:06:23,851 --> 00:06:25,853
with a 25-year-old
furniture maker?
152
00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:28,088
Cropped out of family photos.
153
00:06:28,121 --> 00:06:30,924
Tomorrow, I'm getting in
the middle of that picture.
154
00:06:30,958 --> 00:06:32,125
Good luck with that.
155
00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:34,828
Yeah, she's gonna need it.
(chuckles)
156
00:06:34,862 --> 00:06:38,466
You're not gonna need it.
You'll probably win.
157
00:06:38,499 --> 00:06:40,668
All right, well,
158
00:06:40,701 --> 00:06:42,703
since Eve won't hold my key,
it's all you, bro.
159
00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:44,705
Oh, that is
a hard pass.
160
00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:46,039
I don't want to
get in the middle
161
00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:47,841
of you and Mom's
sick little dance.
162
00:06:47,875 --> 00:06:50,644
Besides, I'm
not a key guy.
163
00:06:50,678 --> 00:06:51,445
What do you mean?
164
00:06:51,479 --> 00:06:54,882
I mean I'm not a
guy who has keys.
165
00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:58,118
Key guys are responsible and
average and play by the rules.
166
00:06:58,151 --> 00:07:01,121
I'm a heart surgeon--
I make the rules.
167
00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:05,058
Besides, keys in my pocket
mess up the lines of my pants.
168
00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:07,027
And smooth pants
are more important
169
00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:09,062
than helping your brother
if there's an emergency?
170
00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:13,100
You tell me.
171
00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:14,902
Yeah.
172
00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:16,870
Dad? Hey.
173
00:07:16,904 --> 00:07:18,672
Guess the temperature.
174
00:07:18,706 --> 00:07:20,140
Worst game show ever.
175
00:07:20,173 --> 00:07:21,742
48 degrees.
176
00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:23,210
This morning,
it was 80.
177
00:07:23,243 --> 00:07:24,812
Al Gore was right.
178
00:07:24,845 --> 00:07:28,215
This is inconvenient.
179
00:07:28,248 --> 00:07:29,850
Where's Mom?
180
00:07:29,883 --> 00:07:32,219
She and Ida Feldman
went to Ellis Island
181
00:07:32,252 --> 00:07:35,989
to look up whose ancestors
were more attractive.
182
00:07:36,023 --> 00:07:38,258
Great. I need you to keep
the spare key to my apartment.
183
00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:40,260
No problem.
And you can't tell Mom.
184
00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:42,062
Tremendous problem.
185
00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:44,765
Your mother and
I are a team.
186
00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:46,800
I don't like keeping
secrets from her.
187
00:07:46,834 --> 00:07:48,769
It puts a lot
of pressure on me.
188
00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:51,104
Come on. I'm asking you
to hide a key, not a dead body.
189
00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:53,674
Well, actually, I can
think of a lot of places
190
00:07:53,707 --> 00:07:54,942
to hide a dead body.
191
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,077
I watch every CSI.
192
00:07:57,110 --> 00:07:58,646
It's a safety issue.
193
00:07:58,679 --> 00:07:59,847
I mean, what if I choke
on a candy cane,
194
00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:01,515
and no one can get
into my apartment?
195
00:08:01,549 --> 00:08:05,085
Nick's grandfather
never forgave himself.
196
00:08:05,118 --> 00:08:07,555
I don't think I
can do this, Josh.
197
00:08:07,588 --> 00:08:08,956
Of course you can, Dad.
198
00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:10,524
You're a strong
and powerful man.
199
00:08:10,558 --> 00:08:11,859
I did box in college.
200
00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:13,894
Yeah, you did.
It's the final round.
201
00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:16,229
You're on the ropes,
but you got a secret weapon.
202
00:08:16,263 --> 00:08:17,765
What is it?
It's heart.
203
00:08:17,798 --> 00:08:19,066
That's what I was
hoping it was!
204
00:08:19,099 --> 00:08:21,201
That's what it is!
Give me that key!
205
00:08:21,234 --> 00:08:22,703
Yeah!
I can do this.
206
00:08:22,736 --> 00:08:24,772
Eye of the tiger, Dad!
Yes.
207
00:08:29,643 --> 00:08:32,546
Let's go! Time for
the holiday photo!
208
00:08:32,580 --> 00:08:34,081
(laughs)
209
00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:35,916
I photograph best
210
00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:38,952
from the upper left, and
no low angles on my husband.
211
00:08:38,986 --> 00:08:40,588
He has nostrils for days.
(laughs)
212
00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:44,558
Yes. I have all your notes
from the last five years.
213
00:08:44,592 --> 00:08:45,659
(fake laughs)
Yeah.
214
00:08:45,693 --> 00:08:46,927
(fake laughs)
215
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,562
Hey. What's up, Terrance?
Ooh!
216
00:08:48,596 --> 00:08:49,963
(quietly):
She's in rare form.
Oh, boy.
217
00:08:49,997 --> 00:08:52,566
Oh, Josh, I understand
you're going on a date
218
00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:53,901
with Jennifer Lopez Hewitt.
219
00:08:53,934 --> 00:08:55,736
It's Love.
220
00:08:55,769 --> 00:08:57,971
Oh, we'll see.
Yeah.
221
00:08:58,005 --> 00:09:00,974
Also, it turns out that
Ida Feldman-- whose ancestors
222
00:09:01,008 --> 00:09:03,977
were hideous, by the way--
doesn't have a key
223
00:09:04,011 --> 00:09:05,746
to her son's apartment, either,
224
00:09:05,779 --> 00:09:07,948
so I've decided
not to take it personally.
225
00:09:07,981 --> 00:09:09,650
Isn't Ida's
son in jail?
226
00:09:09,683 --> 00:09:11,919
Just take the win, Josh.
Okay.
227
00:09:11,952 --> 00:09:13,220
Hey! What's happening, baby?
Hi.
228
00:09:13,253 --> 00:09:15,155
Aw. Look,
my beautiful boys!
229
00:09:15,188 --> 00:09:17,224
Are you wearing makeup?
230
00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:19,727
Just powdered away the shine,
like a man.
231
00:09:21,028 --> 00:09:22,930
All right, Harry, let's go!
232
00:09:22,963 --> 00:09:24,364
Here!
(Judy laughs)
233
00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:26,767
Hey, you look great, Dad!
I feel great, Josh.
234
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:29,369
I got the key thing
all figured out.
235
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:31,038
There you go, champ.
I knew you could do it!
236
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:33,006
I hid it in a perfect spot
that no one will ever find.
237
00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:34,608
Great, great, great!
238
00:09:34,642 --> 00:09:36,777
All right, everyone,
by the plant.
239
00:09:36,810 --> 00:09:38,879
Uh-oh.
240
00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:40,848
You hid the key
in the plant?
241
00:09:40,881 --> 00:09:43,016
Yeah, but now we're
gonna be at the plant,
242
00:09:43,050 --> 00:09:45,318
and-and now it's in my mind,
and-and your mother...
243
00:09:45,352 --> 00:09:48,088
Come on, Dad. You can do this.
Just be cool.
244
00:09:48,121 --> 00:09:50,023
Cool is your middle name.
245
00:09:50,057 --> 00:09:51,959
It's Saul.
Okay, just...
246
00:09:51,992 --> 00:09:54,227
Okay, Daddy and I
are in the middle.
247
00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:55,996
Josh, you're over here.
Okay.
248
00:09:56,029 --> 00:09:58,165
Andrew
249
00:09:58,198 --> 00:10:00,634
and Wyatt will be here, and
250
00:10:00,668 --> 00:10:02,703
Eve, you're...
good there.
251
00:10:02,736 --> 00:10:05,338
Actually, Judy, I was
thinking that maybe
252
00:10:05,372 --> 00:10:07,875
this year,
I could stand... here.
253
00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:10,077
Well, good for
you for thinking.
254
00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:11,712
(laughs)
255
00:10:11,745 --> 00:10:13,346
But holidays are all
about traditions.
256
00:10:13,380 --> 00:10:15,348
So...
257
00:10:15,382 --> 00:10:17,785
Remember, Harry, nostrils in.
258
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:21,989
You know what?
You're right.
259
00:10:22,022 --> 00:10:24,057
Let's change
places over here.
260
00:10:24,091 --> 00:10:25,659
Honey, come over
by the plant.
261
00:10:25,693 --> 00:10:26,960
Josh, you, too.
Okay.
262
00:10:26,994 --> 00:10:29,229
That's good.
All right, ready.
263
00:10:29,262 --> 00:10:32,833
All right, everyone, smile.
264
00:10:32,866 --> 00:10:35,836
Uh, eyes over here,
Mr. Roberts.
265
00:10:35,869 --> 00:10:37,771
Why? Where's he looking?
Where are you looking?
Nowhere.
266
00:10:37,805 --> 00:10:39,072
He keeps looking at the plant.
267
00:10:39,106 --> 00:10:40,340
Who asked you, Terrance?!
268
00:10:41,709 --> 00:10:43,043
What's going on?
Nothing.
Nothing.
269
00:10:43,076 --> 00:10:44,444
What is the matter, Harry?
270
00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:46,113
You're acting very strange.
271
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:50,117
No, I'm not.
The key is in the plant.
272
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:51,919
Way to be
cool, Saul.
273
00:10:51,952 --> 00:10:54,087
Is this Josh's
spare key?
274
00:10:54,121 --> 00:10:55,789
Yes.
275
00:10:55,823 --> 00:10:58,826
I only kept it
because Andrew and Eve refused.
276
00:10:58,859 --> 00:11:01,161
'Cause we
love you, Ma.
277
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:06,099
So you offered your key to
everyone in this family but me.
278
00:11:06,133 --> 00:11:07,935
So it is personal.
279
00:11:07,968 --> 00:11:10,838
Ma, you're the only one who
barges into my apartment naked.
280
00:11:10,871 --> 00:11:12,039
Oh, I wasn't naked.
281
00:11:12,072 --> 00:11:14,107
I was using my hands as a bra.
282
00:11:15,242 --> 00:11:17,477
Joshua, if I am not welcome
in your home,
283
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:20,147
then you are not
welcome in mine.
Not a problem for me.
284
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:21,749
Great. From now on,
285
00:11:21,782 --> 00:11:23,851
we'll be just regular
tenant and landlady.
286
00:11:23,884 --> 00:11:25,753
Fine.
Fine!
287
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,188
Hey, you guys want
to take a five or something?
288
00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:30,057
No, no, no, no.
Take the picture.
289
00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:32,225
I want a reminder
of the exact moment
290
00:11:32,259 --> 00:11:34,361
when my only son broke my heart.
291
00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:35,796
Uh...
Oh.
292
00:11:35,829 --> 00:11:37,430
You know what I mean.
293
00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:39,867
All right,
say cheese.
294
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:41,902
Cheese.
(camera shutter clicks)
295
00:11:50,510 --> 00:11:51,478
Hey. What are you eating?
296
00:11:51,511 --> 00:11:53,814
Toast. Huge toast guy.
297
00:11:53,847 --> 00:11:56,249
Ah. At 6:30 at night?
298
00:11:56,283 --> 00:11:59,419
Toast knows no time, bro.
299
00:11:59,452 --> 00:12:01,454
Hey, I can't believe you haven't
spoken to Mom in three days.
300
00:12:01,488 --> 00:12:02,856
Has that ever happened?
301
00:12:02,890 --> 00:12:04,825
Uh, once
at Camp Chippewa in Maine,
302
00:12:04,858 --> 00:12:07,527
but she showed up on the fourth
day 'cause she was so worried.
303
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,529
I mean, I feel bad
I hurt her, but look at me.
304
00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:11,231
I'm getting ready
for my big date,
305
00:12:11,264 --> 00:12:13,066
and I don't have to worry
about her barging in
306
00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:14,501
and saying, "Is that
what you're wearing?"
(laughs)
307
00:12:14,534 --> 00:12:17,037
Is it?
308
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:19,172
Yes. The point is, I am
309
00:12:19,206 --> 00:12:21,441
loving my privacy.
What is it-- the shirt?
310
00:12:21,474 --> 00:12:23,944
Yeah, and the pants.
Okay. Thank you.
311
00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:25,879
(knocking)
Can you get that?
312
00:12:25,913 --> 00:12:29,282
Terrance sent me
a copy of the photo!
313
00:12:29,316 --> 00:12:31,018
Look who's in the middle.
314
00:12:31,051 --> 00:12:32,552
Oh, and you look so pretty.
315
00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:35,355
Aw, I can't believe this is
gonna be the holiday card.
316
00:12:35,388 --> 00:12:37,424
Oh, it's not.
317
00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:39,059
Why not?
318
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:41,194
Because I'm no longer
sending one out.
319
00:12:41,228 --> 00:12:44,464
Josh has taken away my will
to spread cheer.
320
00:12:48,969 --> 00:12:51,471
But I'm in the middle.
321
00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:53,907
Hey, what's it like out?
Coat or no coat?
322
00:12:53,941 --> 00:12:55,542
Yeah, I'm not really
a weather guy.
323
00:12:55,575 --> 00:12:58,545
(door closes)
324
00:13:02,983 --> 00:13:05,953
Lot of coats, lot of tank tops.
325
00:13:05,986 --> 00:13:07,821
Light sweater.
326
00:13:07,855 --> 00:13:09,389
(siren wailing in distance)
327
00:13:11,158 --> 00:13:14,227
No! Stupid new lock!
328
00:13:15,528 --> 00:13:17,197
(scoffs)
329
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:23,136
No! Andrew?!
330
00:13:23,170 --> 00:13:24,537
Wait.
What?
331
00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:28,241
Should I get a coat?
332
00:13:28,275 --> 00:13:31,078
Nah, I'm good.
333
00:13:31,111 --> 00:13:33,080
Damn it.
334
00:13:33,113 --> 00:13:35,515
(distant horns honking)
335
00:13:37,017 --> 00:13:38,818
Oh.
336
00:13:39,887 --> 00:13:41,588
Okay.
337
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,395
(siren wailing in distance)
338
00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:50,630
Dad?! Dad?!
339
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:54,234
Hello, neighbor.
Hi.
340
00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:57,437
You're awfully chipper for
someone who's trespassing.
341
00:13:57,470 --> 00:13:59,506
Well, I just wanted Dad to see
342
00:13:59,539 --> 00:14:02,275
how warm yet cold it is outside.
Hmm.
343
00:14:02,309 --> 00:14:04,077
This armpit's sweaty,
the other's room temp.
344
00:14:04,111 --> 00:14:05,545
I thought he might like to feel.
345
00:14:05,578 --> 00:14:08,081
I'm sure he would,
but as you may recall,
346
00:14:08,115 --> 00:14:10,017
you are no longer
welcome in my home,
347
00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:12,252
and my balcony is
part of my home.
348
00:14:12,285 --> 00:14:13,987
Yes. Of course.
I'll just...
349
00:14:14,021 --> 00:14:16,023
Yeah.
(grunts)
350
00:14:20,961 --> 00:14:23,630
Well, shouldn't you be
getting ready for your date
351
00:14:23,663 --> 00:14:25,865
with Jennifer Hewlett-Packard?
352
00:14:28,635 --> 00:14:32,172
Yes, and I will, right now.
353
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:34,207
By way of my apartment.
354
00:14:36,509 --> 00:14:38,511
Just go on right in there.
355
00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:45,986
(groans)
356
00:14:46,019 --> 00:14:49,656
I understand you have
an armpit for me to touch.
357
00:14:49,689 --> 00:14:52,159
No. I'm locked out
and my date's in 20 minutes.
358
00:14:52,192 --> 00:14:53,927
I need you to distract Mom
359
00:14:53,961 --> 00:14:55,295
so I can sneak
through your apartment.
360
00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:57,630
Not gonna happen.
Mommy's still so upset
361
00:14:57,664 --> 00:14:59,332
about the key betrayal.
362
00:14:59,366 --> 00:15:01,568
She took away my Mallomars.
363
00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:03,170
Well, I'm not missing my date
because of her.
364
00:15:03,203 --> 00:15:04,637
Okay, we'll work it out.
365
00:15:04,671 --> 00:15:06,706
As a lawyer, I settle
domestic disputes
366
00:15:06,739 --> 00:15:10,143
all day long.
We'll negotiate.
367
00:15:10,177 --> 00:15:11,945
Well, obviously, I want a key.
368
00:15:11,979 --> 00:15:15,115
I'll tell him.
I'm not done.
369
00:15:15,148 --> 00:15:17,617
Three dinners a week,
brunch every Sunday,
370
00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:19,086
two Broadway shows a month,
371
00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:21,054
one of which
must be a musical...
372
00:15:21,088 --> 00:15:23,123
and she wants to be my plus-one
373
00:15:23,156 --> 00:15:26,126
at any award shows I'm
invited to except the Grammys?
374
00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:27,627
They're too loud for her.
Oh.
375
00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:28,628
I'm getting killed here.
376
00:15:28,661 --> 00:15:30,230
What kind of mediator are you?
377
00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:31,331
Don't panic.
378
00:15:31,364 --> 00:15:33,433
This is negotiating 101.
379
00:15:33,466 --> 00:15:37,137
You ask for more than you need
so you get what you want.
380
00:15:37,170 --> 00:15:38,738
Okay, give me that pen.
381
00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:41,608
I'm gonna make a list
of things that I want.
382
00:15:41,641 --> 00:15:44,511
No.
383
00:15:44,544 --> 00:15:47,247
Well, if she just said no,
then what took so long?
384
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:49,316
I thought I figured out
where she hid my Mallomars,
385
00:15:49,349 --> 00:15:50,984
but I was wrong.
386
00:15:51,018 --> 00:15:53,753
(groans) Well, if I want to make
my date, I have no choice.
387
00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:55,755
Tell that lunatic
she has a deal.
388
00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:57,724
Lunatic? I'm not the one
who put an automatic lock
389
00:15:57,757 --> 00:15:59,626
on my back door.
390
00:15:59,659 --> 00:16:02,996
Let's not get derailed.
All we need is a handshake.
391
00:16:03,030 --> 00:16:04,764
What's going on?
Shouldn't you be on your date?
392
00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:07,534
Andrew and Eve, thank God.
I am locked out.
393
00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:10,503
Mom, you can take your deal
and shove it.
394
00:16:10,537 --> 00:16:11,738
I can go through
their apartment,
395
00:16:11,771 --> 00:16:13,773
so boom!
The kid pulls it out
396
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,542
in the nick of time.
397
00:16:15,575 --> 00:16:16,709
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
398
00:16:16,743 --> 00:16:18,711
Sorry, Josh.
This is bigger than you.
399
00:16:18,745 --> 00:16:20,447
(phone rings)
400
00:16:23,550 --> 00:16:26,186
Hello.
401
00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:28,055
I won't let him in...
402
00:16:28,088 --> 00:16:30,757
if you use the picture
with me in the middle
403
00:16:30,790 --> 00:16:32,792
for the holiday card.
404
00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:35,128
Done.
405
00:16:36,429 --> 00:16:38,565
I'd also like an apology
406
00:16:38,598 --> 00:16:40,333
for all the things
that you...
Okay, bye-bye.
407
00:16:43,303 --> 00:16:45,805
You just
out-Judy'd Judy.
408
00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:47,040
Yeah, I did.
409
00:16:47,074 --> 00:16:48,775
That is so hot.
410
00:16:48,808 --> 00:16:50,643
(click)
Get in here.
411
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:52,479
Guys. Guys, guys, guys.
Let me...
412
00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:53,613
Come on.
Sorry, bro.
This is bigger than you.
413
00:16:53,646 --> 00:16:56,349
B-B-But-but...
414
00:16:57,617 --> 00:16:59,786
Okay. Looks like you win.
415
00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:04,524
(sighs)
I will take the deal.
416
00:17:04,557 --> 00:17:07,460
Oh, I'm sorry, son, that
deal is no longer available.
417
00:17:07,494 --> 00:17:10,029
It's been shoved.
418
00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:13,233
I do have a new offer, though.
419
00:17:13,266 --> 00:17:15,768
Everything from my original
list, and you join
420
00:17:15,802 --> 00:17:18,838
your father and me on our
cruise to Alaska this summer.
421
00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:20,307
Absolutely not.
422
00:17:20,340 --> 00:17:21,741
Dad, tell her
you don't want me to go.
423
00:17:21,774 --> 00:17:23,176
If I say that I want him to go,
424
00:17:23,210 --> 00:17:25,078
will you tell me
where the Mallomars are?
425
00:17:25,112 --> 00:17:26,379
They're in a hatbox
in my closet.
426
00:17:26,413 --> 00:17:27,714
Josh, I'm sorry,
427
00:17:27,747 --> 00:17:29,216
this is bigger than you.
Wha...
428
00:17:30,850 --> 00:17:32,719
Ahoy, matey.
429
00:17:32,752 --> 00:17:36,223
Fine, but I get my own cabin.
With an adjoining door.
430
00:17:36,256 --> 00:17:38,191
That locks on my side.
No, it doesn't.
431
00:17:38,225 --> 00:17:39,259
Deal.
432
00:17:39,292 --> 00:17:41,294
Have fun on your date.
433
00:17:43,796 --> 00:17:45,832
Are we really going to Alaska?
434
00:17:45,865 --> 00:17:47,400
We are now.
435
00:17:54,741 --> 00:17:56,743
He's not wrong.
436
00:17:58,245 --> 00:18:00,247
(knocking)
437
00:18:05,818 --> 00:18:08,255
Oh, look at you,
knocking all respectfully.
438
00:18:08,288 --> 00:18:11,291
That's cute.
I don't have my key yet.
439
00:18:11,324 --> 00:18:13,626
I'll get it.
Come in, have a seat.
440
00:18:13,660 --> 00:18:15,862
How was your date?
441
00:18:15,895 --> 00:18:19,432
Eh, it wasn't a date.
Jennifer's married.
442
00:18:19,466 --> 00:18:22,435
Turns out she's playing Helen
Keller in a new Hallmark movie,
443
00:18:22,469 --> 00:18:23,703
she saw me in Blind Cop,
444
00:18:23,736 --> 00:18:26,339
and wanted advice
on how to act blind.
445
00:18:26,373 --> 00:18:29,142
If she didn't fall in
love with this face,
446
00:18:29,176 --> 00:18:31,278
then she's already blind.
447
00:18:31,311 --> 00:18:33,446
Thanks, Ma.
(short chuckle)
448
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:34,881
Here it is.
449
00:18:37,350 --> 00:18:39,352
And look, I didn't mean
to hurt your feelings.
450
00:18:39,386 --> 00:18:41,154
I love you.
451
00:18:41,188 --> 00:18:43,223
But if we're together
all the time,
452
00:18:43,256 --> 00:18:45,325
that might make it feel...
453
00:18:45,358 --> 00:18:46,859
Less special. Hmm.
454
00:18:46,893 --> 00:18:48,661
I understand.
455
00:18:48,695 --> 00:18:50,363
When your father
was courting me,
456
00:18:50,397 --> 00:18:52,732
he brought me
flowers every day.
457
00:18:52,765 --> 00:18:54,234
I finally said,
"What's with the flowers?
458
00:18:54,267 --> 00:18:56,236
I'm running out
of vases."
459
00:18:56,269 --> 00:18:59,172
Yes, that's exactly what I mean.
460
00:18:59,206 --> 00:19:00,840
I guess I missed you so
much when you were in L.A.,
461
00:19:00,873 --> 00:19:04,244
I'm... trying to make
up for lost time.
462
00:19:05,845 --> 00:19:08,181
Here.
463
00:19:08,215 --> 00:19:09,416
Wow.
464
00:19:09,449 --> 00:19:11,418
Ma, thanks.
465
00:19:11,451 --> 00:19:12,952
That is a huge step for you.
466
00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:15,188
Yeah, I can't do it.
467
00:19:23,963 --> 00:19:26,199
Mom just gave me the mock-up
of the holiday card!
468
00:19:26,233 --> 00:19:27,667
Gimme, gimme, gimme!
469
00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:30,403
I can't believe you went up
against our mother and won.
470
00:19:30,437 --> 00:19:31,938
That is a feeling
I do not know.
471
00:19:31,971 --> 00:19:34,774
You and Mom can talk
about that in Alaska.
472
00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:37,377
(gasps)
473
00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:39,679
Wait a minute.
474
00:19:39,712 --> 00:19:41,981
She put me in the crease.
475
00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:44,951
She didn't crop you,
but she creased you.
476
00:19:44,984 --> 00:19:48,388
There's a big line
down the middle of my face.
477
00:19:48,421 --> 00:19:51,391
I'm just two arms
and a bunch of hair.
478
00:19:51,424 --> 00:19:53,926
That's not true-- I can also
see a piece of your lip.
479
00:19:54,994 --> 00:19:56,963
You can never
out-Judy Judy.
480
00:19:56,996 --> 00:19:59,432
Well, I'm not giving up.
I'll get her next year.
481
00:19:59,466 --> 00:20:00,767
JUDY:
No, you won't.
482
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,802
(all scream)
483
00:20:08,775 --> 00:20:10,777
Captioning sponsored by
CBS
484
00:20:14,914 --> 00:20:16,916
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
485
00:20:17,016 --> 00:20:19,452
* La, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la *
486
00:20:19,486 --> 00:20:21,888
* La, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la *
487
00:20:21,921 --> 00:20:24,424
* La, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la *
488
00:20:24,457 --> 00:20:26,459
* Come on,
won't you take me home? *
34909
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