All language subtitles for veep.s07e07.720p.bluray.x264-demand-HI

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Okay! All right, ladies and gentlemen,
the final votes for tonight.

Governor Calhoun, 420.

Congressman Ryan, 453.

Senator Talbot, 1, 785.

Boo!

President Meyer, 1,817.

No candidate has secured

a delegate majority of 2,368,
so, we have no nominee.

- Did we win?
- Oh, yeah.

I'm the president,
and you're the First Lady.

Oh, we would crush it.

And it seems, we have ourselves
a deadlocked convention,

the first since 1952.

Senator Talbot has indeed
made a miraculous comeback.

You know, it's worse
having to hear it from Mike.

Furlong wants
to see all the candidates

for a late-night pow-wow.

- Uh, no offense, Marjorie.
- Some offense.

You know, Mom,
you need to tell the party

that they never should have
held the convention...

- Oh, my God.
- ...in North Carolina.

Their bathroom bill
is an absolute disgrace.

Guys, who gives a shit
where people shit?

That is literally the point, Mother.

Okay, then we agree.
Right? Shut up.

All right, we have to get in touch
with all the floor whips.

- Right, okay, great.
- We have to make sure

- our delegates hold.
- I'll whip the whips, ma'am.

You know,
the Chinese are ready to fix...

- (ALL EXCLAIMING)
- ...this whole damn election

if I can be the nominee.

- I'm not here. Not hearing this.
- No, that is the plan.

(SIRENS WAILING)

- How you doin' there, John?
- Outstanding, ma'am.

Ah, that's my hero.

And keep on getting it out there
that I plan on choosing

- Governor DeVito as my Veep.
- Right.

'Cause, you know, we might get
a few more delegates out of this.

- Wounded warrior, Roman Catholic...
- Oh, my God, is that still a thing?

Two-time Ohio governor,
18 Electoral College votes.

Yeah, most importantly,
he has a penis. Right, Governor?

I'm still with you, ma'am!

"Till the end,"
like we used to say back in Iraq.

Might want to double-check that penis.

That's Kent's job.

JONAH: Mr. Chairman,
I would just like to point out

that the official count
cannot be trusted.

Oh, no, Beautiful Mindfuck.

You are not gonna desecrate
my convention

with more
of this Muslim math nonsense.

How do you explain
that when I add up my delegates

- with Christian math...
- Amen.

...the number is quite different
than the official total?

Because you were born
with three umbilical cords

wrapped around your neck,

- Hep C Kevin McHale.
- JONAH: No, I wasn't.

- My apologies, Mr. Chairman.
- Madam President.

SELINA: What is Leon doing with her?

Installing cameras

- in all her closets and bathrooms.
- Right.

So, what did I miss?
Did President Meyer find a way

to steal the nomination from me,
like she stole South Carolina?

Stealing South Carolina is the bedrock
of our political system, Senator.

Oh, well, there it is,
that casual Meyer attitude

towards criminal enterprise,
just like her husband.

- Ex-husband.
- Step-husband.

If you can't figure out
how to steal South Carolina,

you have no business being president.

- Oh, is that how you feel?
- Yes! Am I right?

(ALL CLAMORING)

Hey! Hey! All right!

Right now, every Sunday pundit
and poli-sci major

is treating this brokered convention
like it's a big-titted college gymnast

whose daddy fucked with her
just enough

that she'll do some dirty shit,
but she can still cum.

Hittin' a little
close to home there, Roger,

minus the big-titted part.

We've never had a complaint, have we?

But if we don't pillow-smother
this sad grandma of a convention

lickity-fuckin'- split,
we are gonna wind up

with four more years of Montez

clogging up the White House plumbing
with tampons.

- That's not a problem for us.
- Okay, it's fine.

Tomorrow's the second ballot, okay?

None of these delegates
are bound to any candidate anymore.

So, it's time to get out there
and start twisting some arms

and pinching nipples.
And what else, Will?

And may the best man win.

And may the hairiest man zip-tie me
to a slaughterhouse drainage grate

and make tender hate
to my rear and mouth,

- in that order, at his leisure.
- ROGER: (LAUGHS) Beautiful.

Well done, pig. Dismissed.

Selina, you got a minute?

Roger, I don't want to hear it.

Selina, we need a ticket.
Just offer her Veep.

You and Kemi scissoring
at the top of the ticket

is gonna make everyone rock hard.

I don't need her, okay?

I've got the diving bell
and the governor.

- Come on.
- Just make the deal!

Or what's gonna happen, Will?

Shit, Will left. It was a good one.

Sorry to miss that.

- Ma'am.
- Oh, God. Go away, Amy. Really.

Your voice is like a crow.

- But ma'am, I just want to discuss...
- No! I just cannot...

There is no place for Jonah Ryan
in my administration.

Or anywhere in the universe

where the building blocks of life
are present.

Okay? I'll be right back.

- Uh, caballeros.
- Caballeros!

- Do you wanna close the thing?
- BEN: Nice try, Amy.

Ben, we've already got Florida.

- Amy? Amy?
- We've got a butt-load of delegates.

Your offer is as appealing
as a Sriracha enema.

So, fuck your offer, and fuck you.

- It's always good to see ya, Amy.
- You, too. I miss you guys.

AMY: Keith, you havin' fun?
KEITH: Yes, thank you.

AMY: Okay, well, I have to go.

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you! Oh...
I hope I can count on your support.

What are they clapping like that for?

Congratulations, ma'am.

You just broke North Carolina's
transgender bathroom law.

SELINA: What?

DAN: I've been fielding media requests
all morning, Richard.

The keynote speech was such a hit.

New York Times? Krugman
is positively creaming his khakis.

Amazing speech last night,
Governor Splett.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- What state are you a delegate from?

- The Ukraine.
- A Wisconsin sister state.

Can I get a photo with you,
please, now?

- Sure.
- Absolutely not. Thank you, though.

How about I get one of you two?
Sound good?

- Oh, yes.
- No, no, that's fine.

So sorry your wife couldn't make
the convention, Congressman.

- We have to go. Let's go. Come on.
- Good seeing you.

Enjoy the convention.

Morning, ma'am. Some disturbing
rumblings from Justice...

Oh, I'm sorry.

What? It's Okay, Ben.
You've seen behind the curtain.

My source tells me
that Kemi's been kicking up some dirt

on the Meyer Fund.

- Oh, come... Well, that's Leon.
- I don't know.

Why does everybody get good
at their job after I fire them?

- Lip time. Let's do lips.
- No, no, no.

I want to save the Dubonnet
for when I get the nomination.

Okay? 'Cause it's discontinued.
I'm wearing this now.

There's a simple solution
for this, okay?

- What?
- Just ask Kemi to be your Veep.

I cannot stand her!

And I don't say that
about a lot of people.

Plus, she called me
a criminal last night.

Kent and I were up all night
doing the numbers...

You know, in the words
of the great Eleanor Roosevelt,

- I would rather cheese-grater my clit.
- Okay.

- So, we'll put a pin in that.
- That, too.

Morning. Mom, you're
a regular bathroom warrior.

- Oh, really?
- We're very proud of you

for standing up
for the trans community.

Thank you, Peppermint Patty,
but you're not a...

- Oh, no, ma'am. I'm a cis woman.
- Right.

- That's not a crazy question to ask.
- Not at all.

You and your gay pals
can make me the grand marshal

of the next parade that you have
that messes up all the traffic.

Actually, ma'am,
it's a myth that lesbians and gay men

have any natural affinity.

As a matter of fact, Gertrude Stein
was physically disgusted

- by male homosexuals.
- Excuse me?

How'd she feel about tedious lesbians?

Big fan, ma'am.

So, how's the piss heard
around the world

playing with all the delegates?

Ma'am, the NYPD found a van
full of explosives at Kennedy Airport.

This is why everyone
should just fly private.

You've been completely
knocked out of the news cycle.

SELINA: Oh, God.

Ma'am, Governor DeVito is here
to speak with you about his speech.

Okay, great! (CHUCKLES) John-boy!

Johnny?

GARY: Hmm.

SELINA: Is he...

Ah! And there he is!

- Governor DeVito.
- SELINA: Yes. My running mate.

Well, not literally, of course, but...

Did you get a chance to review
my nominating speech?

I did,
and I have to tell you something.

It is a delight.

- I wouldn't change a word. Right, Ben?
- Awesome. Absolutely.

So, I'm gonna actually talk
to Kent about some numbers.

- Kent.
- The president, she loved your speech.

Especially the line
"There are really three Americas."

I'm so glad you responded to that.

She's gonna use that in her speech.

Pretend to talk to me about numbers.

The most compelling number to me
is not a number at all,

- it's a concept.
- I said pretend, okay?

I was pretending.
My favorite number is Euler's number.

She's also gonna take the line,

"No matter what,
I will always stand for America."

- That's a reference to my leg.
- She'll tweak it.

Okay. So, are we good, then?
Everything cool?

- Great. All set.
- Okay. Fantastic.

Thank you so much for coming.

Really. Honestly. Bye-bye. Take care.

So good seein' ya.

Take good care.

- Madam President.
- Yeah, yeah.

We're still good
on the Veep slot, right?

Oh, yeah, 100%. You're my Veep.

- All right.
- (CHUCKLES) Great.

See you soon.

- (DOOR CLOSES)
- I want to offer Buddy Calhoun Veep.

- Okay.
- 'Cause with his delegates

and all that Bible-y BS,

the rest of the delegates'll
have to fall in line,

and Kemi can go and suck
lecture-circuit dick in hell.

And by "hell,"
I mean The Kennedy School.

- Hey, ma'am.
- SELINA: Yeah.

The floor whips are picking up a rumor

that Buddy is flirting
with endorsing Kemi.

Oh, please.
Buddy's not flirting with anything

that's not wearing
a leather vest and a Nazi cap.

Hey, guys.

God created men's rooms
and women's rooms,

not "everyone rooms".

I don't think Buddy's
gonna be taking your Veep slot.

I don't want to go into a bathroom

and be next to a woman
who is looking at my genitals.

I want that person that I'm next to,

to be a man,
or, better yet, lots of men.

Glory, glory, hole-elujah.

Ma'am, if Governor Calhoun
is joining forces with Kemi...

- We've gotta call Kemi right away.
- SELINA: No!

Not her! We're gonna call Amy...

- BEN: Brookheimer.
- Brookheimer.

JONAH: What are you guys doing here?

You here to see me get interviewed
by Mike on CBS News?

Oh, I wish,
but I'm in a bit of a rush.

I've gotta go
be interviewed by Mike on CBS.

Guess that means you've been bumped.

Although, you know what?
ABC News is doing a piece

on presidential also-rans
who can almost suck their own dicks.

So, while you're in makeup,
why don't you go talk to them?

Oh, like you've never tried.

I'm probably gonna need that mic.

You came to the convention
as Governor Richard Splett of Iowa,

but after your electrifying speech
just two nights ago,

party insiders are calling you
Richard Splett, "future of the party."

Honestly, I'm glad that what I said
resonated with folks.

Plus, it gave me a chance
to break out my ASL skills.

You know,
for the deaf American delegates.

Yeah. All right,
let's talk turkey, Governor.

- Wonderful pets.
- What about all these rumors

that Senator Talbot is talking to you

about a position
in her administration?

When you listen to rumors,
you rue more than...

Nope. I don't know
where I was going with that.

Works in sign language.

Very cagey. Jane, back to you.

- All clear!
- Thanks for having me.

Richard, that was fantastic.
Us Weekly wants to do a piece on you.

Twenty-five Things
That No One Knows About You.

Well, number one is, I love lists.

- Oh, Dan!
- Oh, hey, man.

- What kind of suit is that?
- Uh...

Hugo Boss? (SCOFFS)

- What's wrong with the suit?
- Oh, it's not network.

WOMAN: Hello, fellow Americans!

- Ma'am. You wanted to see me?
- SELINA: Ben. Move.

Amy, we've been working together
a really long time,

it just occurred to me,
and you've always been kind of like...

- Daughter?
- ...a sister to me.

More like a childless aunt.

I just thought for old times' sake,
I might throw you a bone.

Have Jonah instruct
his delegates of Dr. Moreau

to back me
on the second ballot tonight,

and we might be able
to find something for him at...

Ben? Where can he do
the least amount of harm?

- EPA.
- Perfect.

(LAUGHING)

What is happening?

- Was she always like this?
- It used to be worse.

You haven't heard.

I haven't heard what, Amy?

Oh, shit.

The suspect in the JFK bombing

is one Mr. Abdul Azeem,
a high school mathematics teacher

whose Facebook page
is all about radical Islam

- and trigonometry.
- So are a lot of people's.

Move. Move!

...Azeem teaches seventh grade algebra
and eighth grade trigonometry...

Jonah was right.

He was spectacularly right!

And you know what
that makes me, sister?

- Spitty?
- The campaign manager

for the next President
of the United States!

So, if you want to discuss
potential opportunities for yourself

in the Ryan administration,

maybe I'll throw you a bone.

- Ma'am, this is bad.
- I know.

Do you want me to take care of Amy?

For the last year,
I have been crisscrossing the country,

warning America about the threat
of math to our way of life.

- MAN: Yeah!
- Which is why, "President Meyer,

Senator Talbot, and Governor Calhoun,"

I have something to say to you.

I told you so!

- He told you so!
- Yeah!

Oh, hey...

Do you remember
my five-alarm hottie of a wife, Beth?

She just got out of rehab today.

Yeah! And plus,
while she was in there,

she dropped a couple pounds
in all the right places,

so, she's hella even hotter
than she was before.

- MAN 2: Kill her!
- Yeah! I mean, not her, man,

but yeah, sure.

Look, I love America,

but it is time to face facts.

This is a horrific country
that is falling apart

because it is full of people
who are different than me.

I was right!

And that means I should be president!

- Thank you! Thank you!
- (CHEERING)

That is 34 more delegates from Selina
and 17 from Kemi.

- We have Florida...
- JONAH: That's right, guys,

next stop, the White House,
and then it's payback time!

- Mom!
- Hi, Clay!

- She's out?
- Oh, no, I'm all better.

- Hi, Beth.
- Oh, hi, Amber.

We just got denounced by the ACLU.

We are going to win this thing!

- Yes!
- Jonie, my boy!

- Fuck me!
- We did it!

Ever since you were little,
I've been telling your mom,

"Someday that beautiful,
brilliant boy of yours

"is gonna do great things!"

I thought you told my mom
to sell me to a child molester

and use the money
to get her tubes tied.

Eh, we're family.

Come here, you!

You know, the Jews have a word
for this feeling I'm having right now.

I can't remember it. It sounds like
three Germans cumming real hard

inside something
that doesn't want them to.

Oh, Jewish is
such a beautiful language.

That's not the only reason I'm here.
I come bearing gifts!

New Hampshire's 27 delegates
are yours!

JONAH: Thank you, Uncle Jeff!

BETH: Oh, my God, baby.
JEFF: Get me Vermont.

- God, yes! This is Jeff Kane. Mmm-hmm.
- I think I can sweet-talk them.

Yeah, Jeff Kane.
Who am I speaking with?

Oh, how's your dad?

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Okay, shut the fuck up!

Listen, you Subaru-driving bull dykes!

You better back Jonah
on the next ballot,

or you will be leaf-peeping

from inside your own
maple syrup-soaked assholes!

I'll give 'em five minutes,
then I'll hit 'em with bad cop.

They're calling it Ryan Fever.

The former congressman's message
is finding a new audience...

Assemblyman, I have been
to Buffalo six times,

and I'm not even a serial killer.

So I... Okay, forget it.

- Ma'am. Ma'am.
- What? What?

The captain of the Texas delegation

says that all of his bum steers
are stampeding towards Jonah!

- No.
- No, no. We cannot lose Texas.

- No.
- Texas is our firewall!

Right, whoa, listen, Ben, you gotta
go back to Texas right now, okay?

And just tell 'em they can violate me
with their assault rifles

and a full slab of ribs

on top of a stack
of slavery-free history textbooks.

- You gotta go do that, Ben.
- Yeah.

- Go do that right now.
- Texas is our firewall.

- SELINA: Yeah, do it.
- Ma'am. Ma'am?

- SELINA: Yeah, what is it?
- You need to see this.

KEMI: We never got proper answers

about the Meyer Fund
or its many foreign donors.

- This is Leon.
- That is why I've asked

the Justice Department and the FBI

- to reopen its investigation.
- Oh, my God.

The president was in close contact
with her husband Andrew Meyer...

SELINA: The FBI?

...up until
his extremely suspicious death.

Why is this so hard?

I just wanna be president.

Do you want six almonds?

No!

This, Kent, is why I was right
not to offer her Veep.

- She's the worst.
- Yeah.

Ma'am, all due respect,

maybe you should consider
being her Veep.

That's not fucking funny, Kent.

I haven't been funny since 1987.

- WILL: Uh, Ma'am?
- What?

Adios, New Mexico.

(GROANS)

(PANTING)

- Oh, hey, Ben.
- Out of my way.

Sorry. Captain.

- Jesus.
- At least he's getting some exercise.

Oh, yes! (CHUCKLES)
Politico's reporting

that Jonah's talking to you
about the Secretary of Commerce.

I wish. Sounds much better than
the conversation we were having

about why his urine is pink.

We ruled out beets

because he doesn't know
what those are.

Then had to rule it right back in
for the same reason.

Richard, look,
there was no offer, okay?

It was me, all right?
I pulled that turd out of my ass,

covered it in ketchup,
and Politico asked for seconds.

You could've ended
that sentence at "me."

All right, listen, one thing is clear

after this runaway-Ferris wheel
of a convention,

and that's that Montez is gonna be
president for another four years.

Makes sense. She made me proud
to be an American again.

Okay, but after that,
it's Splett time.

We can't call it that

unless we want to get sued
by my uncle's podcast.

No, Senator, this whole Meyer Fund
story is a distraction, sir,

the way a magician does tricks
to distract you

from how depressing his life is.

- And I'm gonna... I'll call you back.
- I...

- So, what'd you find out?
- (BABBLING)

- What?
- Ajai... Ajai...

"Ajai"?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
He's having a heart attack!

- Eighth time's the charm.
- Oh, my God!

Stay here with us, Ben!

I don't know the names
of any of the floor whips.

We need EMTs
up at the Meyer box, stat.

White male, type 2 diabetes...
also type 1.

Ma'am, there's something happening
out on the floor.

Ma'am, there's something happening
on the floor you need to see.

GARY: I'm gonna roll you over, Ben.
I'm gonna roll you over.

No, no! No.

- What?
- Just look down there.

- (CHANTING) Draft Tom James!
- (GASPS)

You know, I just want to say,

I was roadkill on the side
of the political highway.

(ALL LAUGH)

One of the nice things
about being dead is,

it gives you time to think.

Also, fewer telemarketers.

(ALL LAUGHING)

But I thought, and I thought

that I don't like the direction
our party is taking.

Maybe the reason
we can't find a nominee is,

everyone's just saying
the same old same-old.

- MAN: Run, Tom, run!
- (CHANTING) Run, Tom, run! Run...

What do you think I'm trying to do?

Powerful words from Tom James.

Let's go now to Michael McLintock

on the convention floor
with Senator Tom James,

whose potential Hail Mary
is gaining steam.

I'm reading the wrong card.

NEWS ANCHOR: Many now say Tom James
is the only answer they'll accept

as the brokered convention drags on.

I honestly think I might be in hell.

KENT: No such place, ma'am.

The concept of hell
is a cultural memory

of pre-Mosaic child sacrifice
among proto-Judean peoples.

- You're making a strong case for hell.
- Tom played it perfectly.

He'll clinch the nomination
on tomorrow night's ballot.

- (KNOCKS)
- Knock, knock.

Take State.

Senator.

- Here to rub it in, Tom?
- No rubbing.

Gary. Get.

No, I just came by to see how Ben was.

My first congressional race.

Ben can't have been
more than 140 years old.

He ran the other guy,
wiped the floor with me.

Well, they may have to put him
in a medically induced coma, so...

It's what he always wanted.

All right, let's go.

Start your gloating,

make whatever insulting offer
it is you're gonna make.

I didn't come here to make an offer.

I don't have the patience for this.

All right?
And I'm certainly not gonna beg.

I'm not asking you to beg.
There's nothing to beg for.

You don't have
a political future, Selina.

That is your punishment.

Punishment?
What are you talking about?

I have people who like me,
lots of people with signs,

"New Selina Now," that is working.
That...

The party and the nation
will never forget

all that door you pushed open,

yes, backwards and in heels.

Hang in there.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold on.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Please, come on. If...

Tom, when we're not
the worst team ever,

we make a really good team!

Please!

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Oh, Madam President.

Senator, the New York delegation
is on the phone.

Well, it's been fun.

Let's do this again at Ben's
next cardiopulmonary event.

I'll wave at you from the stage.

Yeah, well, that was gloating.

- A little bit.
- Yeah.

Wipe that grin-eating dick
off your face.

(SIGHS)

(BEN GROANS)

I could use a drink.

Yeah. Me, too.

(SIGHS)

Tom James.

Kent says he'll take it
on tomorrow night's ballot.

I think this is it for me, too.

Oh, no. You're gonna be fine.

You're gonna be good as new,

and then we'll figure out
my next move.

You know, I've had a dozen
heart attacks, and...

You know, if I play my cards right,
I'll have a dozen more,

but I think this is my last rodeo.

No, Ben! You're my hatchet man.

You're the hatchet man.
I need you.

(SOBBING) How can I
do this without you?

Don't be an idiot, Selina.

You know exactly what to do.

No.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

(SOBBING)

Hey, do me a favor.

(SNIFFLING)

What?

Don't tell my wife and kids, okay?

I mean, I could really use the break.

That's not a problem.
I've never met 'em.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Ma'am.

Okay.

Tom's making a move on New York,

so, you get ahold
of Governor Schnozzlestein right now,

you tell him I want
to see him tonight.

I'm not gonna let them
take this from me.

- Mmm.
- Okay? Go.

(CHUCKLES) Okay.

Can't say I blame you.

I mean, that Nutmeg State indefinable
really turns my hydrant on.

The only difference is,

that I was the most exciting
conquest of his life,

and you just had the motel room
closest to the ice machine.

I don't know what
you're talking about,

because I am the Senator's
chief of staff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, for now,

but trust me, he will never see you

as anything other than
the TGI Friday's hostess on Proactiv

who lets him bend you over his desk,

while you close your eyes
to avoid coming face-to-face

with that framed photo
of his family's trip to Aspen,

while he drowns
your Little Mermaid back tat

in a pool of jizz

and admires his own reflection.

- Jesus.
- Wow.

I just hate to see smart women

throw away their political careers
on powerful men

who only see them as the gash
of least resistance.

GARY: Mmm.

I mean, you strike me
as a smart woman.

Are you?

Yeah, well...

New York is in the bag.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Congressman, how do you
take your coffee?

- Decaf.
- Okay.

No?

Yup. Here we go.

So, Congressman, tell me something.

What can we offer up
to the Montana delegation

that would really dick-slap 'em?

And I mean that in a good way,
of course.

- (INDISTINCT ARGUMENTS OUTSIDE)
- And I'll tell you something else.

Where is she?

You fucking monster!

- Excuse me for half a sec.
- You soulless, conniving cunt!

Oh, I don't know what
you're talking about.

Oh, unless it's this, right here?

The moment I began
working for Senator James,

his behavior was unprofessional
in a sexual manner.

- Is that the problem?
- Fuck!

Senator James took advantage
of his power over me.

TOM: He did what?

I had to endure sex acts
that included...

Yeah, it's so great.

- What did you offer her?
- I didn't offer her anything.

I mean, I helped her with the wording.

- Oh, this... Fuck!
- Shh! No, look.

This is my favorite part
right here, actually.

I was just this naive,
innocent young woman who had dreams...

"Innocent young woman." (LAUGHS)
That's hilarious, don't you think?

But that girl doesn't exist anymore.
She's dead.

- Murdered by Tom James.
- Oh, yeah.

That is actually all me.
I will take credit for that.

She didn't want to do it,
but I was like, "Oh, you've got to!"

My wife, my pregnant wife,
is not answering the phone.

I am now a national fucking pariah!

Why would you do this, Selina?

I guess that the Tom James charm
only goes so far with the ladies.

That's one theory, but...
Oh, listen, while I've got you.

Is it okay
if I don't wave to you from the stage?

Because with all of this,
I need to keep my distance.

You understand that, right? Excuse me.

I'm so sorry for that
little minor interruption.

What the fuck are you?

Bye, Tom.

Toodle-oo.

So emotional, right?
This is why we need a woman in office.

(SELINA LAUGHS)

So? What else
do we need to talk about?

- Federal lands.
- They need to be protected.

- We need more drilling.
- For drilling purposes.

Let's frack the crap out of it.

SELINA: Governor Calhoun, what do I
have to do to get your support?

- President Meyer, I'm a simple man...
- I see that.

- ...of faith.
- Oh. Uh-huh.

But after this bathroom incident...

That was just an accident. Really.

- Free to pee, you and me, right?
- (LAUGHING)

Madam President, homosexuality
is no laughing matter.

- Okay.
- Pernicious homosexuals are luring

decent, God-fearing heterosexual men

into sin and sweaty degradation.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Mmm.

You know, Buddy,
I gotta tell you something.

It... It happens, and...

- You can't beat yourself up about it.
- What?

Never mind. I hear what you're saying.

Let's move forward.

Yes. Governor,
I am prepared to offer you

Secretary of Education.

Well, ma'am.

How about that?

As excited as I would be

to remove dinosaur theory
from the curriculum,

I am just a little bit uneasy about
all this Meyer Fund scuttlebutt...

I'll kill gay marriage.

In exchange for your support,

I will raw-dog a plank
right up our party's platform,

and I will outlaw same-sex marriage.

Governor, can I get an amen?

You can get an amen,
and I'll throw in a hallelujah.

- I love it.
- And my endorsement.

- Thank you, sir. Wonderful!
- Wow. Wow. Yeah!

- I think we're buddies now, aren't we?
- Oh, yeah, very much.

Can you be a buddy with
someone of the opposite sex?

Oh, well, under certain circumstances,
yeah, we are. Yeah.

- So, Buddy up! Buddy up!
- Buddy up!

That's a great expression.
Thank you so, so much.

He is not just gay,
he is Sam Rayburn gay.

Impressive negotiation, ma'am,

but we are still
approximately 662 votes short.

- I am well aware.
- Good.

(DOOR OPENS)

Ma'am. You wanted to see me?

That's incorrect.

Not in that outfit.
But yeah, come on in.

Amy, um...

Um...

I want to offer Jonah the VP slot.

- What?
- What?

Yeah. It's the only move
we have left now,

and we're gonna
have to get it done today.

Oh, ma'am, there are still
numerous permutations

that can play out here.
You don't have to do this.

Do the goddamn Islamic math.
You're the numbers guy.

Fuck the numbers!

I will not be part of a campaign,
let alone an administration,

that includes Jonah Ryan
as Vice President!

That is an entirely
unacceptable outcome.

Amy, you wanna talk
some sense into him?

- Don't do it.
- What?

Don't make Jonah your VP.

Wow. You know what I just remembered?

You are a terrible campaign manager.

Ma'am, you can't let
an embittered, vindictive,

narcissistic man-child be one
heartbeat away from the presidency,

let alone be the president.

Amy, there's no safer place
to stick Jonah Ryan

in all of Washington, D.C.

Being vice president
is like being declawed,

defanged, neutered,

ball-gagged, and sealed
in an abandoned coal mine

under two miles of human shit!

It is a fate worse than death.

Besides, I'm not gonna die,
'cause I got the heart and the twat

of a high school cheerleader
who's only done anal!

- I am begging you, please...
- Ma'am, entreating,

- supplicating, beseeching...
- Think of...

Enough!

I didn't come to North Carolina
to lose.

I don't even like
to change planes here.

Jonah Ryan is gonna be
the vice president. You got it?

And that's final.
So, get off your knees

and cut out this
melodramatic bullshit!

Let's go.

- What's the rush?
- Oh, hey! You're my guy!

Okay, so, I think
we know why we are here.

Yes, ma'am.

- Yes, we do.
- I don't know why we are here.

Me, neither.
But I love meeting new people.

She is offering you vice president,
you monument to vaginal dryness.

Well, then, no.

I'm sorry?

I said no. As in never.

I will be president,
or I will be nothing.

And in fact,
if I don't get the nomination,

I might run as a third party
just to fuck your shit up.

Shut the fuck up,
you gum-recessed face-anus!

Don't you see you've just been offered
the second-most powerful job

in the world?

No, you shut up, Uncle Jeff!

I will not let anyone
speak to me like that.

- President or nothing?
- Yeah!

- Are you fucking kidding me?
- Ow!

- You cockless cockroach!
- (ALL SHOUTING)

You pile of failure
shaped like a rapist!

I am not shaped like a rapist!

I'm gonna hit you with my car,
like I did in kindergarten!

...figure out what the fuck you were!

...with purpose and repetition!

Okay, fine! Jesus fuckin' Christ,

I'll be vice president,
just stop yelling at me!

- All right, fine.
- Crisis is now averted.

- No. I have one condition.
- Oh, shit.

- I want my best friend Richard...
- No, and your only friend.

I want Richard to be
Secretary of farm shit.

- We're gonna have to fire Dan.
- We'll have to fire Dan.

Why do you want to fire him?

Uh, just as a way of saying sorry
for yelling at you earlier.

You know, feminism.

That sounds great. Fire Dan. He sucks.

Mazel tov, Selina, mazel tov.

- Oh, thank you, Sherman.
- Listen, when you have a sec,

I want to talk to you about one of

the biggest challenges
facing the country

- in the 21st century.
- Okay, sure. Tell me right now.

Casino licenses in Macao.

Oh, and... Did you hear that, Keith?

- I did.
- CATHERINE: How could you?

- Okay, Macao.
- Tell me that it is not true.

Catherine, I'm right
in the middle of something.

Tell me that you did not
just trade away same-sex marriage...

Can you believe I'm having
to deal with this right now?

...to get Buddy Calhoun's endorsement!

Catherine, it is just
the party platform.

It's like a to-do list of things
we're not gonna do.

"Restore faith in democracy?"

I mean, we couldn't do that
even if we wanted to.

You cannot do this.
I will never forgive you.

Oh, well, if I had a dollar for every
"Mother, I will never forgive you..."

- Bazillionaire.
- Correct.

Now, listen, Mommy's got a lot of work
to do right now, sweetie.

I have to write the press release
for my VP pick, so.

- There you go.
- Thank you very much.

- Why is Jonah helping you?
- Started from the bottom, now we here.

- (MIMICS GUNSHOTS)
- (LAUGHS)

- Oh, my God.
- Are you out of your fucking mind,

Gram-Ma'am?

No. Oh, my God. Okay.

I will never forgive you for this!

- Mmm? Yep.
- Ka-ching.

I'm sorry about that, folks.

Awesome. Cheers, ma'am.

MIKE: And on this history-making
11th ballot, Jane,

it looks like the convention
will finally have its nominee.

MAN:...great State of North Carolina,

the home of historically black
Fayetteville State University,

and historically white
Duke University,

would like to yield
to the great State of Maryland!

WOMAN: Mr. Chairman, I move

that Selina Meyer
be selected by this convention

by acclimation as our nominee

- for President of the United States!
- (CHEERING)

All those in favor
of nominating President Selina Meyer

- by acclimation, say aye!
- (LOUD CHEER) Aye!

- All opposed, please say no!
- (SCATTERED) No!

The measure is adopted!

(CHEERING)

We did it!

SELINA: I was three years old

the first time my father
put me on a horse,

and I fell right off.

(CROWD CHUCKLES)

(APPLAUSE)

They say experience
is the best teacher,

and although my own daughter
never learned to ride well,

I've made it my mission in life
to teach...

I waited a long time for this.

Yeah, but this Meyer Fund thing
isn't going away.

It's stickier than
a red wine-and-curry dump.

- We can't have a damaged nominee.
- I know.

Somebody's gonna go down
for this, Selina.

Like myself on any
traveling German businessman

- at a Dubuque Radisson breakfast...
- Not now, Will!

Read the room.

Somebody's gotta
go down for this, Selina.

I just said I know, Roger.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- GARY: Look who I found.

Oh, hey, John.

Oh, yeah, so, I'm gonna take
two more lines from your speech, okay?

Here, okay?

That's about me waking up
in a hospital bed in Kabul

- after the IED attack.
- I'm... I'm gonna tweak it.

And I'm sorry about
the whole vice presidency thing,

but I knew you'd understand.

Oh, so, you'll probably
want to cut the line

about you being
the vice president. Right?

Yeah. Okay. Let's go.

...and pass it on to
the next generation in spades.

Over the years I may
have been thrown off a few times,

but like my daddy taught me,
you always get right back on,

- like America.
- (CHEERING)

ANNOUNCER: And now, to introduce
our party's nominee...

Right. Break a leg.

...John DeVito of Ohio!

Come on, come on.

It'd be faster

- just to lay down and roll.
- Eh.

Hello. I'm John DeVito.

And like the soldiers I served with,

I'm here to talk tonight about a woman
who always keeps her word.

All right.
Are you ready for the Dubonnet?

- Hey, Gary?
- Yeah, yeah.

I need you to do something for me.

Yeah, yeah.
You got something in your teeth.

- Hold on. Just one second.
- Sorry.

Anyway, listen,
it's kind of important, actually,

- and I would also say...
- Okay, yeah.

- That it's not easy...
- Okay.

And it's kinda also not fair.

You want coffee
from across the street? Yeah?

Ah! I got it. Little chia seed.

Nah. Never mind.
Forget I ever said anything.

- You look beautiful.
- (CHUCKLES) And you are a lifesaver.

Oh. Oh, come on.

Yeah. I couldn't have
done it without you.

You don't have to worry,
I'm not going anywhere.

...the next President
of the United States of America,

Selina Meyer!

- (APPLAUSE)
- (POP MUSIC PLAYS)

Thank you!

Thank you!

I am Selina Meyer,

and I proudly accept your nomination

for President of the
United States of America!

(CHEERING)

Even if it took a while!

(ALL LAUGHING)

The journey that we begin tonight

has been many,
many years in the making,

and it all started in Kabul.

Waking up in a

hotel bed...

That DeVito's
a hell of a speechwriter.

Good evening, Mr. Cafferty!

You ready for your sponge bath?

Ah, call me Ben.

...to make the world a safer,
cleaner, better place!

(CHEERING) Yeah!

DAN: So? What did we get?

President Meyer offered me
Secretary of Agriculture.

Yes, Richard!
Secretary of Swag-riculture!

Oh, my God. Yes!
I'm goin' back to Washington, baby!

- But...
- No! No "buts," Richard.

Okay? For once in your life,
don't think so much, just say yes.

- Yes.
- Good man.

But the "but" was,
"But you have to fire Dan."

- So, I guess you're fired.
- What?

Thanks for making this easy on me.

(GROANS)

I gotta get out of politics.

To be honest, I never thought you were
really cut out for it, anyway.

Finally, I wanted to say
a word about sacrifice.

It means to lose something

for the greater good.

And when I look back
on my 52 years,

with almost 30 of them
spent in public service...

- What's going on?
- ...there is no one who has sacrificed

more than me.

And there's nothing
anyone can do to stop me

from standing and walking
for my country!

Thank you, and God bless America!

(CHEERING)

(POP MUSIC PLAYS)

Oh, God.

We got this.

- We did it. We did it.
- Yes.

Wonderful!

(EXCLAIMS)

- Congratulations, ma'am.
- Thank you!

We're going back to the White House!

- Congratulations to you, Amy!
- Thank you!

You're gonna be Jonah's
chief of staff.

Huh?

I don't like the way you talked to me
the other day.

Uh-huh.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yes!

JONAH: (SINGING)
He's a super Veep

Super Veep, he's super Veepy

Yow!

Hi, Sue.

Sue, the Vice President would like
a minute with the President.

The President told me to pencil you in
to half past go-fuck-yourself.

- Sue, when I am President...
- You won't be.

- If you want to work for me...
- I don't.

Then I would start treating me
with the respect that I deserve.

- I am.
- Sue, as Vice President

of the United States, I order you
to let me into the Oval Office!

God damn it!

- I'm just gonna pop my head in.
- Nice to see you, Amy.

(GRUNTS)

MICHELLE: Ma'am, Joint Chiefs
are getting a little squirrely

about Chinese tank movements
near the Tibetan border.

Oh, my God. What a bunch of pussies.

WILL: Ma'am, we're expecting a call
from the Israeli prime minister

about the Palestinian food riots.

That reminds me, I'm starving. Gary!

Oh, ma'am, Gary doesn't work here.

I know. Why are you telling me things
that I already know?

- Sorry. Yes.
- You know?

But I would be more than happy

to get you something to eat.
What would you like?

- You figure that out.
- Okay.

Why am I coming up
with solutions for you?

That's your job, right?
That's not my job.

BOTH: Sorry, ma'am.

The level of incompetence
in this office is just...

(INTERCOM BEEPS)

SUE: Ma'am, the Israeli prime minister
is on line three.

David? Shalom.

So, what did the Palestinians
do this time?

David, I have to tell you,
my daughter Catherine

was exactly the same way,
a whiner. Yeah...

Yeah. Mmm-hmm. What?

(WHISPERS) This is your speech
for this afternoon.

Glasses.

Jesus Christ.

No, no. Not you, David.

Yes.

Well, tell me,
how can the United States help you?

Good afternoon, I'm Michael McLintock,

with live coverage of
the funeral of Selina Meyer,

America's first woman president.

While she may have only served
one full term,

Meyer is fondly remembered

for briefly freeing what was once
known as the nation of Tibet,

as well as for permanently
overturning same-sex marriage.

The former president
passed away earlier this week

at the age of 76 or possibly 77

or, according to some sources, 75.

After lying in state in the Capitol,

her casket made the journey
to her final resting place

the Selina Meyer Presidential Library

at Smith College
in Northampton, Massachusetts.

Among the dignitaries
personally selected by Selina Meyer

to sit in the front row
are many former rivals

in a Meyer-esque gesture
of grace and goodwill.

Former President Laura Montez,
the Dalai Lama,

former Vice President Andrew Doyle,

former two-term President Kemi Talbot,
who will deliver her eulogy...

How does Mike
have more hair than I do?

Maybe because he has two testicles.

JONAH: Oh, Montez looks good.
I'd still do her.

BETH: Count me in.

I didn't want to go
to that stupid funeral, anyway.

Well, then it's a good thing
that you got impeached,

they didn't have to invite you.

MARJORIE:
Catherine, you're missing it!

CATHERINE: Coming!

You know, Richard,
there are few things in life

more difficult
than the loss of a parent.

Who wants margaritas? (EXCLAIMS)

- Over here.
- What did I miss?

MIKE: The Presidential motorcade
has arrived,

and here comes
President of the United States

Richard Splett and the First Lady,
Annette Splett, somber but elegant,

basking in the glow
of a landslide re-election

following President Splett's
historic three-state solution

Middle East peace agreement,

for which he won the Nobel Prize.

ALL: Amen.

We have 40 head of alpaca now,
17 on the way.

My daughter's stepping down from NASA

to take over the ranch,
so, I can focus on my watch-making.

We didn't have kids.
Best decision we ever made.

Best. Best.

Our greyhounds are our kids.

Kent, do you still
keep in touch with Ben's widow?

- I forget her name.
- No.

Betcha Ben did, too.

Amazing he hung on
as long as he did, the fat fuck.

- Excuse me.
- Sorry.

- How long's it been, Ames?
- Dan.

I think the last time I saw you,
your wife was being born.

2019, yeah.

Oh! And by the way,

if you guys ever want to buy
or sell a piece of property

in the Laguna Beach area,
I'm your guy. That's my cell.

Look at you losers waitin' around
to make sure she's actually dead,

while you sit in the back row

suckin' on hard candies
like what, Will?

I like jizz.

Ah, shit. He ain't what he used to be.

Holy shit. Ames. Check it out.

I didn't think he'd show.

- I heard she never visited him.
- Just keep walking.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

You'd hate the flowers.

But I...

I brought the Dubonnet.

MIKE: And it looks like the soldiers
are having a little trouble.

They're fumbling around the crypt,

but they cannot seem to get it
to respond in any way.

Typical.

But now, they've got it.

And there she goes,
sliding right in there.

We will have more coverage of the
funeral of President Selina Meyer.

But first, as someone who served with
President Meyer for over two decades,

I feel I'd be remiss if I did not
offer my own heartfelt eulogy

to a president who many feel
was very underrated and deserved...

I'm sorry. Breaking news.

I've just been told

that four-time Academy Award-winning
actor Tom Hanks

has died at the age of 88.

The star of such Hollywood
films as Big, Forrest Gump,

Philadelphia and Philadelphia 2,

passed away in his Bel Air home
after a long illness,

surrounded by his loving family.

Husband of actress Rita Wilson
and father of four children,

Hanks was often considered
the finest actor of his generation,

an American everyman
who could leap effortlessly

between comedy and drama,

and moved audiences
both young and old.

Today, the world mourns the loss
of this towering and beloved figure.

Let's take a look at the storied
career of Tom Hanks, American icon.