All language subtitles for veep.s07e03.720p.bluray.x264-demand-HI

CROWD: (CHANTING) Kemi! Kemi! Kemi!

As a woman, and a woman of color,

I know these struggles firsthand.

- Whose time is it?
- CROWD: Our time!

- When is our time?
- CROWD: Now!

And now let me hear you!
Whose time is it?

It sounds like Dr. Seuss fucked
Maya Angelou in the yuzz-ma-tuzz

and then filled her all up
with snoozily-scuzz.

How is this possibly
even working for her?

Socio-politically,
protest chants have proved

- an effective method...
- Okay, off.

Kemi's crowds are huge.

You know what else is huge, Amy?

- Not even really showing.
- LEON: Mmm.

You look beautiful.

(CHUCKLING)
And how about the 24-hours-a-day

free media coverage
that she's getting?

- Yep.
- MSNBC has something on you.

Put it on this i-thing.

REPORTER:...campaign
showing signs of trouble.

- SELINA: Oh, Christ.
- Andrew Meyer, husband

- of President Selina Meyer...
- Ex-husband!

Okay. Everything looks great.

- Ready when you are.
- SELINA: I know.

DAN: Let's go, ma'am.
They're all waiting for ya.

SELINA: Here we go.

Hello!

- What?
- No, this is great. This is great.

Okay! University of Iowa!

(ALL CHEER)

People come up to me,

they say, "Why do you want
to be president?"

- (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)
- And I say,

"It's time to finish
the unfinished business

"of four years ago!"

Say it with me, "Time to finish

- "the unfinished business!"
- CROWD: "Of four years ago."

Without the "four years ago."

Okay. (CHUCKLES)
Iowa! What do we want?

CROWD: "Time to finish
the unfinished business..."

No... Not... "New Selina Now"!

- What do we want?
- When I say "shit," you say "show."

Of four years ago.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

SELINA: I was so far ahead.

How are you losing Iowa?

And did you see the new cover
of Time magazine?

Yes. Are angels real?

BEN: "Kemi Fever."
Three exclamation points.

It's a pandemic.

Somebody sneezed on our campaign,

now we're bleeding out our assholes.

- Hi, guys!
- MAN: Morning.

KENT: Ma'am, we're scrapping
tomorrow's schedule.

SELINA: What?

KENT: You're making an appearance
at the Waterloo County Fair.

BEN: Block and tackle retail politics.

- GARY: Ugh, retail.
- BEN: Eat a few corn dogs...

Last thing I need
is my picture being taken

eating dick-shaped food.

I'd rather eat a food-shaped dick.

Okay, folks. Where is Keith Quinn?

I have the New York Times
interviewing him

about running the campaign.

Maybe somebody should be
interviewing the Times

about why they write
so much about modern dance.

Thirty-six hours in Snoozeville.

- That was my major.
- SELINA: Okay.

How are we going to
RU486 Kemi's campaign?

No offense, Amy.

CATHERINE: Mom,
do you have to act that way?

I mean, Kemi is super impressive.

And I'm not gonna lie, ma'am,

- very much my type.
- You're kidding.

Clearly, I have a thing
for strong women.

- What's happening?
- SELINA: Strong women.

My God, pick a lane. Jesus.

Ma'am, Kemi just picked up
two senators and a union.

A good union or teachers?

Local 74. Iowa Asbestos Workers.

- (ALL CHUCKLE)
- KENT: There you go.

Actually, my uncle was a shop steward
in the 7-4. Asbestos killed him.

- On, no!
- I'm sorry, Richard.

Asbestos was the name
of their pit bull.

It was a rescue
that killed its first owner.

That's why you have to go to breeders.

BEN: Okay. Order, order.
First item, debate prep.

- SELINA: Oh, yes.
- That's how we beat Kemi.

Fine. Stupid handshakes,
opening statement,

uh, thank you to Date Rape University,

- first question.
- DAN: Madam President,

how do you explain the accusations

the Meyer Fund and your husband
Andrew Meyer stole millions during...

- No. Andrew Meyer is my ex-husband.
- Yep.

And I have had virtually no contact

- with him at this point.
- Mmm-mmm.

Oh. Okay. Uh, we're gonna take
a quick five, guys.

Fantastic. Her Achilles cock.

Andrew! I see Monnie
got a new paint job.

Monnie and I are still together.

Better than ever, in fact.

No. Felicia is my paralegal.

Oh, God, we're all goin' to jail.

- Wait in the car, okay?
- Can you please

find me a real green juice
somewhere in Iowa?

I'm drinking Odwalla
like some country lesbian

who just got to the big city.

- Ma'am.
- Not yet.

So much for debate prep.

Actually, that was our best one yet.

- (SIGHS)
- Hey, Ame. Hey, Dan.

Happy Abortion Eve.

- Oh, my God!
- What? Don't they all know?

Go!

Okay, I don't know if I should be sad

- or turned on.
- Ooh.

Richard, you're running yourself
ragged working on both campaigns.

I'm actually a little embarrassed.
I mean, two jobs is no big deal.

In fact, it's the Speltt family motto.

Splett.

Speltt. It's my mother's side
of the family.

I think you should
definitely quit Selina.

I would if I could.

RICHARD: Actually,
I tried to quit last week,

and the president gave me a raise.

- MARJORIE: So quit Jonah.
- He gave me a raise too.

Some people say
I'm not fit to be president,

that I'm dangerously unskilled.

But when I debate my fellow candidates
in the debate this Saturday,

I'm finally gonna
set the record straight.

Because that's when
the gloves come off.

(BELL DINGS)

Senator James,

you pledged to bring jobs
back to America.

(GRUNTS)

President Meyer,

you say you're tough on crime, huh?

Then why am I not in prison
for punching the president?

- Pretty good, right?
- Senator Talbot,

I think your tax plan

is a wack plan.

Psyche.

(GROANS)

Undisputed

President of the United States!

I'm Jonah Ryan, and I wanna
suck this message's hot clam.

- Me, too!
- When do we roll that out?

We don't.
You went completely off script!

I ad-libbed.

Teddy, improv is Jonah's thing.

You should have heard
his wedding vows.

He did a really funny Chinese voice.

I expressed how horny I was.

TEDDY: We focus-tested the ad,

and most people are uncomfortable

watching a white man
kick a black woman in the vagina.

I don't see vagina color.

Ooh, why don't we just kick
President Meyer instead?

The debate committee just emailed me

to say that there
are so many candidates

they've decided to host
two separate debates.

One for candidates polling
with at least 5% of the vote,

and another one
for those polling with less than 5%.

And, good news...
Uh, no, that's bad news.

I'm at less than 5%?

RICHARD: In the plus column,

the undercard debate will be first,

which means we have no problem
getting out of the parking lot.

Oh, no, that's bad news, too.
It's stacked parking.

Andrew, you said there was
nothing illegal about the fund.

I thought we both understood
I was lying.

You do know I'm running
for president, right?

Madam P! Got a moment?

Can you fuck off?

(LAUGHS SOFTLY) Can do, skipper.

- Okay.
- ANDREW: Lee,

do you happen to know if Marjorie

has the complete ledgers
to all the Meyer Fund accounts?

Yes. I'm sure that she does.

That's too bad.

I think I'm gonna pop by her office
and see if it's locked.

For once will you tell me the truth?

How much money did you steal?

Technically it was you
that stole the money from the fund

because I signed your name
on some documents.

Oh, my God.

Don't worry, Lee.
I'll keep you out of it.

Yeah. "Don't worry, Lee.
You won't get pregnant.

"I'll pull out and cum on your back."

GARY: General Stattler's
still waiting.

Again, I thought we both
understood I was lying.

General Stattler. How are you?

Sorry to keep you waiting. Come on in.

Madam President,
I have been trying repeatedly

to get your office to sign off
on a presidential funeral plan.

And since your tenure
was so unusually brief,

I took the liberty of using President
Ford's ceremony as a template.

- Who?
- Uh, that's not gonna work.

He was lucky not to get dumped
out of a pickup truck into a quarry.

- My vision for when I die...
- If you...

- No, I am gonna die.
- Hmm.

More of a sort of
a Princess Diana thing.

But classy.

- But no Prince Charles.
- Oh, yeah.

- He's worse than the mother.
- GARY: Mmm.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Let's make a list

of everybody we don't want
invited to my funeral.

- Fun.
- Yeah.

And put Andrew at the top.

(LAUGHING) Already there.

GENERAL: Begging your pardon, ma'am,

but these plans should have been made

before you left office.

Oh, put Montez on the list.

- Hmm.
- You know, I could get reelected.

Ma'am, why don't we just jump
right to embalming options

to minimize decomp
during the rotunda viewing.

- Hughes.
- GARY: Ugh.

Do I really want to get embalmed?

- The neck. Yeah.
- Oh, that's true. Right.

Jonah Ryan.

Outsider's insider. Make sure to vote.

Hey, Teddy. Teddy, check this out.

- Teddy, look.
- What am I doing?

- No, get the big one.
- Oh, yeah.

BETH: Teddy, isn't he so funny?

He's hilarious, Mrs. Ryan.

Why don't you eat this, Congressman?

- Okay.
- There you go.

- Thank you.
- All right.

- Congressman Ryan.
- Yeah.

How do you feel about being relegated
to the undercard debate?

- Oh, no comment.
- No. Comment.

I deserve to be in the real debate

as much as Selina Meyer
and that hot new black lady.

It is literally the definition
of retarded.

Congressman has
a very busy schedule, thank you.

Hi. Jonah Ryan,
candidate for president...

What the fuck, Teddy?

You can't say "retarded"
in front of a reporter.

- Why, is he retarded?
- No, but you might be.

No. My pediatrician ran the tests.

Besides, if I was, you'd know.
I'd have retard face or whatever.

- He would look different.
- Jonah.

You have to watch what you say.

Damn it.

Wait. Who are you calling?
No. Don't tell my mom.

It's Teddy, yeah.
I'm calling in the favor.

Teddy, look.
It's shitting in my mouth.

He's pretending the potato
is pooping in his mouth.

MIKE: BuzzFeed rented this house
for all their reporters.

- Babe, why are you wearing that hat?
- MIKE: Ever since I got it,

they stopped calling me "Old Guy."
Now I'm "Hat Guy."

- It's "Fat Guy."
- WENDY: Hey, Mike, have you given

any thought to that thing
that we talked about?

I think it would be
really good for Ellen

if we adopted another baby from China.

Wendy, we're barely makin' ends meet,

and ever since the Felix Wade piece,

BuzzFeed's been climbing up my ass.

Somehow they got the idea
I'm a good writer.

And I'm not!

I gotta go help Ellen
with her Mandarin.

All right. Ellen, ni hao!

That means "hello," Mike.

WENDY: Have fun, baby.
WOMAN: Hey, Fat Guy.

Did I hear you're having trouble
meeting your article quota?

Maybe.

You interested in some study buddies?

Didn't I used to be Hat Guy?

I think it was always Fat Guy.

Oh, wow! What a crowd! Hi!

- I hope you'll vote for me.
- KENT: "Caucus."

- They don't know what that word is.
- Good point.

Hi, Mom! Don't tell me.
Are these all of your children?

- Yes, they are.
- That's a busy beaver.

- Yes.
- Yes, indeed.

Hey, kids. Were you all
just petting the animals?

- KIDS: Yes.
- Great.

- Where's Kemi?
- KENT: Senator Talbot

is currently using her campaign app

- to host a digital town hall.
- ...woman of color...

Jesus-hashtag-Christ.

- Do we even have an app?
- Of course we do, ma'am.

The current version
only asks for donations

and, for some reason,
deletes your address book.

Technically, it's more of a virus.

I had it but had to delete it
because it was making my phone hot.

Hello! Yes! Yeah!

Madam President,
I have a question and two follow-ups.

You do?

How do you feel about
Governor Calhoun accusing you

of being unfit for office
because of your complicity

in your husband's alleged crimes?

He's my ex-husband, Mike,

and I think
we're all getting pretty tired

of these cheap personal attacks.

Perhaps that kind of thing
plays well in "Nevahda"...

Nevada.

Nevada, but I challenge
Governor Calhoun

and the other candidates

to, uh, join me

in a "non-negative" pledge.

I think it's time
to start talking about

the issues that affect real Americans.

- Thank you.
- (REPORTERS CLAMORING)

Mike, you said an actual thing.

How the fuck did that happen?

It's like Flowers for Algernon.

I understand that reference now.
It's a book.

Oh, by the way, have you seen Andrew?

I gotta get ahold of him.

I'm startin' to think
he's rippin' me off.

STEPHANIE: What we do at
Crawford Bloom Associates,

we work with
high-profile clients like yourself

to make sure that
not only are they understood,

but more importantly,
never misunderstood.

We want you to put
your best foot forward

- and not in your mouth.
- Exactly.

That's a good one. I like that.

- I like these guys.
- STEPHANIE: Okay, so,

you went to the fair yesterday.

- (LAUGHING)
- STEPHANIE: Yeah. Let's talk about

the specific incident
that brought you to us.

- Oh, yeah, the retarded thing.
- Yes. Exactly.

Now, when you said
that word, Congressman,

is there, I don't know,
another word that you could have used,

- had the same meaning?
- MAN: Mmm-hmm.

- And there's no wrong answers.
- Nope.

Um, mentally retarded?

No, that's wrong.

I see where your head is at, though,

and you are technically correct.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- MAN: Yes.

And technically also, though,
you see how you're still using

the same form of the hurtful word?

You're feeling what I'm saying?

Not really. Can I get another bagel?

It might be a great time to introduce

a new strategy
that we have developed here

called "360 degree
perspective-taking."

Oh, God, is that like math?

Actually, it's just a way
of using empathy

to help avoid hurting
other people's feelings.

(LAUGHS) That's so gay.

- Um, what?
- Excuse me?

Oh, guys, come on.

I didn't mean like gay gay

or like, "This guy
and his husband are gay."

I meant gay like, uh,
mentally retarded.

Okay. You know what? Uh, Stephanie,

I need a minute,
I just need one minute.

- I'm so sorry. Thank you.
- JONAH: Okay. Yeah.

Is this guy on his fuckin' period?
What is...

Ow!

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

My dumb slit sister was supposed to be

my abortion ride, but now, of course,

she is nowhere to be found, so I'm...

- Oh, that makes sense.
- DAN: Yeah.

Would you mind?

Unless you plan on fucking her again
while she's passed out.

She doesn't call that rape, by the
way, that's just regular sex to her.

- I will get my keys.
- Thank you.

SOPHIE: Don't wear white pants!

RICHARD: Big news, ma'am.
Governor Calhoun announced

that he's signed onto
your non-negative pledge.

Oh, what a pussy.

Ma'am, every candidate

has made the non-negative pledge,

including Tom James and Kemi.

Look at you!

You've got chocolate
all over your face like a child,

but you're an adult! Adorable!

Also, the dog mayor of Lurlene
has passed away.

- I'm sorry, Richard.
- Oh, my God.

- What? Who?
- The dog that I...

Oh, no.

We should probably
send someone to the funeral.

Make Amy go.

Where is that Fatty McFatty
hiding today?

She aborted her unborn fetus.

Dock her a day's pay then.
Richard, do you want to go?

It would be my honor to attend.

Winner.

Honey, I think that's enough.

These are clearly made
with child labor.

Hold this.

What are you,
some kind of Green Beret?

I was an agricultural advisor.
Nothing more.

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

WOMAN: Abortion is murder!

Keep your head down, Ames.
I'll part the redneck sea.

All right, all right, back up.
Make some room.

Psalm 106! Think of
the innocent children!

- Oh! You want me to think...
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

...about the children,
you hog-fingering fucks?

I did think about this.

I considered it,
and I cried, and yeah,

suck my cock,
I even prayed a little, and here I am.

So you can back the fuck off,
you hypocritical cunts,

before I show up to the piss puddle
that is your house

and protest your husband whacking it

to your daughter's
seventh grade yearbook.

That sign's misspelled.

- Come on, Dan.
- DAN: Yes. Yes.

Oh, and I hope you'll all caucus
for Selina Meyer.

New Selina Now.

Oh, darn it.

- Okay. Yeah?
- Ma'am.

Um, Kemi killed her boyfriend.

What? How is this
not all over the news?

Her records were sealed. She was 16.

She accidentally hit him
with her Volkswagen Cabriolet.

She is an actual murderer?

(LAUGHS SOFTLY) Yes!

(WHISPERING) Who drives an import!

Oh, my God!

(IN NORMAL VOICE)
I think I'm gonna cry.

We gotta spread this news

like Kemi's boyfriend's guts
all over the pavement!

Actually, he was decapitated.

- Here. You do this.
- Ma'am. Ma'am.

We can't use this.

Social media is exploding with praise

for your non-negative pledge.

(WHISPERS)
Why did you morons let me do that?

MAN: Winner.

- (GASPS)
- Oh!

I did it! I did it!

- Here you go, ma'am.
- Thank you.

Enjoy the rest of your day
at the Waterloo County Fair.

Thank you. I don't want this.

Okay. Is there any way
we can accuse Kemi

of murdering her boyfriend,
but in a positive way?

Madam President!
Guess your age? Guess your weight?

Oh. Um...

Okay. What was that?

- Where's Secret Service?
- Just came out of nowhere.

DOCTOR: Okay, Ms. Brookheimer,
I do need to warn you

about some of
the surgical risks involved.

Infection, bleeding,
uterine perforation.

Yep, 10-4. Body's a wonderland.

Can I just sign the consent form?

Per Iowa law, I do
have to offer you the option

of viewing the ultrasound.

Less talk, more abortion.

Patient has declined.

I am as sure as I will be.

Okay. We're gonna give you
some medicine now to help you relax.

Oh, yeah? You got any of those darts
they use on rampaging circus animals?

No need.

Everyone's always telling me to relax

and I'm not good at relaxing.

I don't want to relax

'cause I hate relaxing so...

- Ooh.
- Ah.

There you go, tough guy.

- Very good.
- DOCTOR: Mmm-hmm.

Is that the Berkeley VC-10?

That's like the Shelby Cobra GT
of vag-vacs.

I'm sorry, who is this man?

(SINGSONG) That's Dan.

I'm the proud father-to-not-be.

- Here ya go, ma'am.
- Uh-huh.

- Madam President.
- SELINA: Yes.

- And the crowd goes wild.
- (SELINA CHUCKLES)

What is up with
the Clubfoot Cunt-tessa?

I think she's worried that you might
beat her up in the girls' bathroom,

- give her a swirlie.
- Oh, no.

(LAUGHS) Yeah, you would've.

Okay. You know what?

- Can you just...
- Sure. Yeah.

Madam President,
I do believe that we are

literally and figuratively
out to pasture.

Oh, God, it's really too bad,
'cause I've got something

so juicy on Ms. Post-Racial America.

- How juicy?
- I mean,

fresh-squeezed Billy Carter juicy.

But I can't use it, unless...

"Unless?" he wondered.

Unless you wanted
to break the pledge first.

You want me to go back on your word.

No. Forget it. This never works.

- What am I thinking?
- No, no, no, no.

Selina, listen, you got
no reason to trust me, based on...

Yeah. Trying to screw me
out of the presidency,

then trying to actually screw me,

then screwing me,

then writing a book about screwing me.

- Also discussed it on television.
- Lovely.

- If I go negative on Kemi...
- Yeah.

...once she's gone...

The party's stuck with us.

Like it's supposed to be.

JONAH: "And that is why
I know I'm wrong

"and I would like to apologize
for the hurtful words that I used."

And not just because
there was a camera.

TEDDY: Although if there is a tape,

we would appreciate it
and any copies of that tape

to pray and reflect on.

Come on, guys.

(SCOFFS)
(SLURRING) Are you deaf?

Did you not hear what he was saying?

What is wrong with you?
Are you fuckin' retarded?

- Oh, my God!
- Oh!

I am so sorry. I'm so sorry.

- No, no, no. It's okay.
- STEPHANIE: I'm so sorry.

I accept your apology.

- I really love that sweater.
- Thank you.

JONAH: One voter at a time, Teddy.

BETH: But, Jonah, there were

- two of them.
- I know.

I have left literally
hundreds of messages,

none of which you've returned,
which is why

I am writing this email, Andrew...

Hey, Mike. You good?

Actually, I'm under
a little bit of pressure.

My wife wants to adopt a new kid

and my old boss's ex-husband

maybe stole our life savings,

so I'm trying to write him a letter,

but I can't focus on anything

- 'cause it's so dirty in here...
- Mmm-hmm.

...and bright,
and, oddly, windy, right?

Oh, hey, do you have any more
of those "concentratey" pills?

Oh, yeah, no,
I think you've had enough.

Thank you! "I've had enough, Andrew!

"Mike McLintock has had enough!"

CATHERINE: This is a pretty good
turnout for a dog funeral.

I mean, even the governor's here.

Who are all these people?

Novelty mayors are Iowa's
number one source of tourism.

After tornado-chasing.

And coming into town to buy Sudafed.

- Is that a mayor as well?
- RICHARD: (LAUGHS) That's just a cat.

Could you imagine?

- This isn't Nebraska.
- JUDGE: Richard.

Can I speak with you
after the service?

Of course, Judge.

Uh, how's the search for
the new successor?

Sadly, the mayor was fixed
and cloning was too expensive.

That's what I want
to talk to you about.

Would you like me
to neuter the new mayor?

We're being sued
by the sensitivity trainers.

Joke's on them,
because you can't sue the president.

Jonah, I know this is just
the undercard debate,

- but it's still important.
- Well, hello!

Oh, no. Jonah, you should've
worn a costume.

What the fuck?
I gotta debate Dumbledong?

Listen, okay. He's just
the protest candidate. Ignore him.

What's most important is,

you have to be more PC

than a clit ring
made out of wheatgrass.

Don't worry about it.
I got it handled.

I wrote down all the words not to say.

Okay, that'll work.

BRIE: Welcome back to tonight's debate

featuring candidates
polling between 5%

and not statistically significant.

I'm Brie Ramachandran-Shulhoff.

Let's turn our attention
to foreign policy,

- Congressman Ryan.
- Bring it on, Brie.

Your question is about Africa.

- Pass.
- BRIE: With China challenging

American hegemony
across the African continent,

should we adopt a more aggressive
policy of forward deployment

by sending U.S. ground troops
into countries like Niger?

Oh, I'm sorry, you can't say that.

I mean, only he can say that.

Say what, "Niger"?

It doesn't matter
how you pronounce it,

we now know that it is wrong.

Congressman, I think you're confused.

She's referring to
the African nation...

- African American nation.
- ...of Niger.

Jesus, Clark,
you're standing right next to the guy.

What did he say?

No, he said it, not me.

But for the record,

I think that the United States

should send troops
into countries like N-word,

and I think it would be best

if those troops were black.

Can I just say,
making friends overseas

- is powerful magic.
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

You ask him any question,
it's gonna be "powerful magic."

I'm gonna ask him a question.

What's your solution

to fix our failing
public education system?

Longer school years, free breakfast,

and magic!

- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
- Oh, come on.

Little Richard will be very happy
for his daddy,

the new mayor of Lurlene.

Catherine, he won't be making memories

for another 22 months.

Hey, I think that went
pretty well, right?

I just got here, so I'm gonna say yes.

I want you to add
the Dalai Lama to this list,

'cause I'm gonna be
the only stiff at my funeral.

Oh, look at this. Congressman Ryan!

And this must be Mrs. Ryan.

Or do you go by
your maiden name, Mrs. Ryan?

Oh, either is fine.

No, ma'am, she's my half-sister.

- Step.
- She's his stepsister.

Madam President, Congressman Ryan,
I'm glad you're both here.

It seems I have been appointed
the new Mayor of Lurlene.

- Oh! Congratulations!
- Oh! Mayor Splizzle in the hizzle!

Wow. All right.

But don't you have to be a dog?

Legally, yes, but it's unenforceable.

But, sadly, I have to tell you

that I can no longer work
for your presidential campaign.

- Oh, of course. I understand.
- Oh, I'll be sorry to lose you.

Me, too.

- KENT: (WHISPERS) Ma'am.
- Hmm?

- Ma'am.
- SELINA: What?

Excuse me. Yes?

It seems that Mike just published

a piece on BuzzFeed entitled
"An Open Letter to Andrew Meyer."

"Dear Mr. Andrew Meyer, I have

"invested my entire life savings
with you,

"and have yet to see
a single dollar in return."

What? Mike's entire life savings?

So we're talking about, what, $6?

The term "Fonzie scheme"
is referenced.

And the article as a whole
is not cool.

Get that Benedict Ronald McDonald

on the phone right now.

And find me Tom James!

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Fat Guy's phone.

SELINA: Mike,
what the backstabbing fuck?

Dude, your mom's on the phone.
She sounds pissed.

And that's why as a woman,

and a woman of color,

my entire life has been
training for the Oval Office.

If I could just add onto that
by speaking...

- SELINA: You know, Greg...
- Yeah. Okay.

Um, I have actually sat
in the Oval Office

and made tough decisions,

life-and-death decisions.

And believe me, the many,

many accomplishments
of the Meyer administration

were no accident.

What? What...

Oh, did you say... I'm sorry,
did you say something?

- No, you're good. No, no.
- Okay.

- I'd like to hop in, and just...
- SELINA: Which is...

- TOM: I think I know...
- All right.

...what President Meyer
is driving at so artfully,

is that she would like me to tell you

that Senator Talbot here
accidentally murdered her boyfriend

- in a reckless car accident
- (CROWD EXCLAIMING)

when she was 16 years old.

But you know what? I'm not gonna stoop

to your level and say that,
Selina. I'm not...

I'm not sure what you mean,
Senator James...

I guess we shouldn't be surprised
at this kind of underhandedness

from a woman whose husband,
Andrew Meyer...

- Ex-husband, in fact.
- Whatever he is.

- You want to get it right.
- The two of you,

according to your
former press secretary,

used the Meyer Fund
to defraud millions of dollars

from our obese children,
from our adult illiterates,

- from emerging democracies...
- Our military families.

So where you headed after this?

I got a neo-Nazi on the dangle
in Sweden.

Only one talking point,
but they do stick to it.

Did you know that President Meyer

had a heart attack
a couple of years ago?

Just covered it up!

You had a heart attack.

This was a minor prostate procedure...

If I may interject. Please.

I think that the American people

deserve more from the next president

than a bunch of
politics-as-usual mud-slinging.

Oh, boy.

That Kemi really has it going on.

KEMI: And it brings me no joy

to revisit one of the worst events
of my childhood

in which, yes, I was in a car accident

that killed a dear friend.

But I have looked up
to President Meyer

since I was a little girl,

and I have heard her many,
many explanations

for her ex-husband's activities
at the fund.

And I accept them all.

- (AUDIENCE MURMURING)
- Well, (LAUGHS) you know, if...

- Oh, you do?
- I do.

And frankly,
I'm tired of hearing about it.

I think we all are.

SELINA: I know I am. Thank you. I...

And as far as both
of your medical issues go,

it's TMI, people,

- it's TMI. (LAUGHING)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And I would just
like to add to that...

- Hold that thought, Governor Calhoun.
- Yeah.

We're gonna take a quick break

and then we will be right back

with more of the presidential debate

live from Drake University
in Des Moines, Iowa,

in just a moment.

And we're clear.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

- I'm sorry, Mom.
- MAN: Back in two minutes.

You gotta help me.
Somebody's gotta tell me what to do.

Hit her with the economy.

There's no way her college loan plan

can pay for itself.

Neither can mine, Ben!
None of these plans can!

Do you have your debate cheat sheet?

- Yes, it's right here.
- All right.

Ma'am, this is your
funeral blackball list.

And all of you are on it!

We need to muddy her up.
Something as bad as Andrew.

- Drugs.
- Lesbianism.

Mom, Mom, stop. Okay?

If you don't win,

we are all gonna
have to rally behind Kemi.

- Catherine, who cut your hair?
- Yeah.

MAN: One minute, Madam President.

Please head back to the stage.

Okay, um...

Oluwakemi Talibah Talbot.

Oh.

That sounds like a terrorist
to me, folks.

Talibah, Taliban.

Taliban. That's an old chestnut.

Mom, I am begging you

as the mother of a mixed-race child...

Stop it! Stop!

My God! I have had it

with this whimpering
and whining from you

and your generation!

It's time for you to grow a pair

and man the fuck up!

Not bad.

Whether your ceiling is made of glass

or covered in peeling lead paint,

as a woman, and a woman of color,

I want to challenge our notions
of economic justice.

Senator Talbot, I met a farmer...

Let me tell you something
aboutjustice, Senator.

When I was coming up as a lawyer,

I didn't have to remind everyone
I was a woman every 10 seconds

because they never let me forget it.

I smiled all through
the casual grabbing of my behind

and all the secret meetings
on the golf course

that I wasn't invited to.

So how about giving a little thanks
to the women like me

who built the ladder

that you use to get up
onto your soapbox?

How about for once in your life
you stop whining,

you stop complaining, and just man up?

- Because I honestly... I...
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

That's right, you heard me, man up.

Ya know? Let's just say it like it is.

- (ALL CHEERING)
- SELINA: That's it!

All right. All right. If you'll just

show our affection
for all of our candidates...

Congratulations, Catherine.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

GREG: From Drake University,
this has been CNN's

first Iowa presidential debate.

I'm Greg Hart. Good night.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Aw, I'm so proud of you.

Thank you.

GREG: Madam President,

- may I say... (LAUGHING) Whoa!
- (LAUGHS) Thank you, Greg.

President Meyer.

- Hey!
- Wonderful job.

You did it, ma'am.

God bless America

for hating women
almost as much as I do.

- AUDIENCE: Man up! Man up! Man up...
- Get out of my way.

AMY: She won?

"Man up."

- Huh.
- That's really good.

Who came up with that?

Catherine.

How ya doin'?

Feels like

someone shoved
a red-hot pair of barbecue tongs

up my joy trail.

Oh, before I forget.

Frozen maxi-pads
soaked in comfrey extract.

My own personal recipe.

That is so nice.

And also

cold and disgusting.

I'm gonna need that back
when you're done,

'cause Leon will pay big bucks for it.

Oh. Ugh.

Dan, did I make a mistake?

- What if I never get...
- (CELL PHONE CHIMING)

- Yeah?
- Ames-bo-bames. It's Teddy Sykes.

How would you like the chance
to help lead a divisive,

physically repugnant underdog
to historic victory?

You want me to join Jonah's campaign?

- Such as it is. What do you say?
- What?

(WHISPERING) Ask for campaign manager.

I would need to be campaign manager.

TEDDY: So you shall be.
I'm not gonna lie,

it's gonna be really hard and no fun.

We have got a bit of a problem.

You are in luck,

because my schedule
just got scraped clean.

- We will talk soon.
- Yes!

Get up!
We have something to celebrate.

- DAN: Nice.
- (GROANS)

Yeah. Five minutes.

DAN: See? When you do good things,

good things happen to good people.

I'm such a good person.