All language subtitles for veep.s07e02.720p.bluray.x264-demand-HI

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)

MAN: Now bow to your partner...
GARY: Bow to your partner.

- Swing your partner...
- Swing your partner.

Wow, Ben, I really don't like
being told what to do.

BEN: Well, Felix Wade
is the biggest bundler in the party,

and he loves making
millionaires square dance.

Uh, bad news, ma'am.
The U.S. Attorney's Office in New York

has empaneled a grand jury
to investigate the Meyer Fund.

What?

- They're targeting Andrew.
- Shit.

- MAN: Swing the corner...
- Around the corner.

- SELINA: Oh, Roger.
- Selina, looks like

we're swingin' together!

I would have invited my wife,

but she's a squirter, and that dress

doesn't look like
it's been Scotchgarded.

- Ever the charmer, Mr. Party Chairman.
- MAN: Roll her away to a half sashay.

- GARY: Roll her away...
- Okay, when do we get

- the check from Felix?
- End of the weekend.

He's gonna make you official
at the final dinner.

Okay, well, for that amount of money
to my campaign,

I'll do-si-do for his do-si-dough.

And give yourself a hand!

(ALL CLAPPING AND CHEERING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Welcome to my 16th Annual
Discovery Weekend.

We're here in Aspen

to build bridges to the future.

Bridges made of ideas.

No wonder the rest
of the world hates us.

Gayle King is here!

Oh, my God.

But you're not here

just to innovate
entrepreneurial solutions

to the problems of tomorrow,
you wanna square dance!

- (MUSIC RESUMES)
- I'm done with this.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

SELINA: I've waited
a long time for this.

I guess Felix Wade
always thought I was...

- A lightweight?
- God damn it, I hate that word.

- Why? You're so skinny.
- No... Oh, yeah.

Ma'am. Ma'am.
Ma'am, uh, I ran a little intel,

and apparently
the secret to Felix Wade

is to always repeat
the last two sentences that he says.

Oh, come on. That is idiotic.

- That's what I said.
- Is he really that insecure?

Come on, that is idiotic.
He's really that insecure?

- Right? Gary gets it.
- Madam President.

- Oh, Felix!
- I am thrilled

that you finally got lured
to one of our little get-togethers.

Well, I'll tell ya a secret,

it's the only reason
I'm really running for president.

Really?

I feel like you should have
a better reason than that.

Uh...

Um...

Uh, Felix, can I talk to you
for a moment?

It's been a delight.
I will see you later.

It has been a delight,
and you shall see me later.

Thank you very much.

Okay. Isn't it astounding that the
next President of the United States

is being chosen
by a closeted ex-record producer?

The Electoral College hasn't exactly
been hitting it out of the park.

And, I mean, is it just me, or does
Felix's friend seem a little young?

He'll look older after
Felix switches blood with him.

Ma'am, Felix Wade's sexuality
is the worst best-kept secret

since Clyde Tolson's
hysterical pregnancy.

The man lives in a vast
invisible closet.

- Sounds amazing.
- AMY: I'm gonna be sick.

Wow. It always has to be about her.

- Never fails.
- Every time.

Can you see if they can make me
a specialty cocktail?

- Of course.
- Thank you.

(RETCHES)

(TOILET FLUSHES)

(GROANS)

(EXCLAIMS IN SURPRISE)

Gary.

I've been having an upset stomach,

'cause I, uh... I ate...

(WHIMPERS)

(RETCHES)

- (GROANS)
- (TOILET FLUSHES)

Hey, do me a favor
and don't say anything to anyone...

Okay...

(GAGS)

MIKE: There it is.

Hey, is Kim here?

No, she got fired
for sleeping with you.

BuzzFeed runs
a notoriously tight ship.

I should probably thank you.

You are lookin' at the new
deputy senior editor.

They're puttin' me up,
and all I gotta do

is sit on some panel
for new media innovators.

What do you know about new media,

Mike29748@aol.com?

Oh, no. I got hacked.

It's Mike53729.

Still @aol though, right?

- Until I die.
- Right.

Ma'am. Ma'am, ma'am.
Guess what? Guess what?

- Amy's bulimic.
- What?

- Well, it's about time.
- Yeah!

And I'll tell ya something,
she might want to consider

a little more purging,
a little less bingeing.

- (CHUCKLING) That's right.
- You know?

God, that girl
can't do anything right.

- Ma'am, I am so sorry...
- Amy, you got

some vomit on your mustache.

SELINA: What the Rocky Mountain fuck?

Ben! I thought I was the only
candidate invited to this thing.

Uh, so I was told.

(MOCKING) Well, so why don't
you go find out?

AMY: I'm gonna shut it down, ma'am.
BEN: Ma'am.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Oh, Tom!

Look what the Gulfstream dragged in.

Gosh, I didn't see a TED Talk
for fake folksiness on the schedule.

4:30.

Kent, can you remind me real quick,

uh, how many points
am I beating Tom by?

Des Moines Register says 18 points.

Oh, eighteen points! Oh, my goodness!

That makes me moister than an oyster.

- Plus or minus four points.
- Okay, still pretty moist.

Although a lot of Iowans
no longer have landlines.

It's fine.

Oh, Senator James,
we need to keep moving.

Ma'am.

Good Lord, what's up with
Frigid Von Pole-Up-Her-Ass?

That is my Deputy Chief of Staff,
Michelle York.

She's basically my Amy.

- Well, my Amy has bulimia.
- Yeah.

- No one likes a braggart, Selina.
- Hey, Tom, what are you doing here?

Just an old friend of Felix's,
and I guess he thought

I might enjoy a weekend in Aspen.

- SELINA: Uh-huh.
- Make some new friends.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

- Good morning, jerk-offs.
- BOTH: Morning, ma'am.

Ma'am, apparently last night
Tom and Felix ended up

closing down the Casamigos
Tequila Ideas Bar together.

Now Felix's people are saying

that he wants to choose
between you and Tom.

Oh, come on. Son of a dick!

- I want all eyes on Tom now.
- ALL: Mmm-hmm.

He cannot spend
another second with Felix

without me jammed in between 'em

like the cross-piece
on an Eiffel Tower three-way.

MMF. The Devil's threesome.

DAN: Isn't that Senator Talbot
over there?

- She used to run the SDNY.
- SELINA: Mmm.

She might be able to help us

- with the Andrew situation.
- AMY: Mmm-hmm.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Gary, go and get her for me right now.

DAN: Go, Gary.

You know, I actually consider her
to be a bit of a protégée.

- Does she know that?
- I thought I was your protégée.

- No, you're Ben's protégée.
- BEN: Not a very good one.

You know something, ma'am?
Senator Talbot

might not be a terrible choice
for a running mate.

An all-female ticket?
I don't think so. (CHUCKLES)

The American people
work hard for a living, okay?

They don't need that kind of bullshit!

- Ma'am, Senator Talbot.
- KEMI: Madam President.

Kemi! Oh, my God, my protégée!

- Ooh, very nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.

- I'm Amy...
- Oh, no, no! You!

- How are things on the Hill?
- Crazy as ever.

Did Senator Isles
try and grab your ass?

Oh, yeah.

He used to say that mine
was like a candy apple.

- Mmm.
- (CHUCKLES)

Actually, Senator Isles is
under investigation right now, so...

For what?

For the inappropriate...

- Oh, yeah, right.
- Yeah.

'Cause that's bad now.

Yeah, so...

GARY: Ma'am, Tom James is on the move.

So good to see you!

- So good to see you, Madam President.
- (GARY CHUCKLES)

Just, uh... Yeah.

Oh, look at you outside!

- (GRUNTS) Tom!
- Are you all right?

Wow, that is so incredible.
I did not see you there.

Well, that's funny that
you sprinted around the entire deck

to just bump into me sight unseen.

So, uh, I heard
you had a very big night

with Felix last night.

You really should have been there.

You know, it's one thing
I've learned in politics,

a lot of the best stuff
happens after-hours.

Oh, is that so, Captain Morgan?

Well, thank you so much
for man-telling me that.

I believe the word you're fumbling for
is "mansplaining."

- Man... Okay, splain...
- MICHELLE: Senator, we have to go.

Madam President.

Yeah.

I got a picture.

Of what?

Of his Amy?

His who?

His Amy.

- Ma'am, I don't see it.
- Seriously?

With this? And the...
(GRUMBLING)

No, ma'am, I got a picture
of his schedule.

Presentation on compost
at the Treehouse Theater, 9:00 a.m.

Felix will be there
with him. Okay, I'm...

Amy, seriously,
I know I rarely say this,

- but that was really...
- GARY: Okay.

(WHIMPERS MOCKINGLY)

Did you see
what she had for breakfast?

Yeah. And I bet she had
a breakfast before that breakfast.

There is no doubt about that.

Okay, let's go to compost.

- Okay? What is compost?
- I don't...

What we'd really
like to get at, Congressman,

is, what sets you apart
from the other candidates?

Well, for one thing,
uh, I have a lot of new ideas.

Oh.

And what are some of those new ideas?

Well, science tells us
that it will be difficult,

but within five years, I want America

to put a man on Ellen DeGeneres.

Up top!

Thank you, Richard.

Yeah, I didn't think
you'd do that one.

(CHUCKLES) It's pretty good, right?

- It's great, thank you.
- JONAH: She's a lesbian, so...

- REPORTER: No, we get it.
- Right.

- REPORTER: We get the joke.
- Okay.

Congressman Ryan,
I'd like you to address

some rumors that have
been circulating online

that you made inappropriate advances

toward a female staffer
on Capitol Hill.

I'm sorry. Derek,
can we have a minute?

Just one moment.

Apparently, there's been
an anonymous posting

about a "dead-eyed, lantern-jawed,

"one-and-done Congresstard"

who acted in a sexually
inappropriate manner?

- Okay, well, that could be anybody.
- Sounds like you.

Jonah, who have you traumatized?

And start with the doctor
who delivered you.

- I haven't traumatized anyone.
- There was your aide, Emma Gray.

Oh, Schnozz? She was stuck-up,
I was just callin' her on it.

Congresswomen Troy and Vasconi.

Monster Tits and Monster Tits, Jr.?

But all I did there
was express some genuine concern

that they had bras
big enough to handle all that meat.

At the Congressional Prayer Breakfast.

Yeah. It was exactly
what Jesus would have done.

I mean, he's a man, too, Teddy.

Okay, listen. Jonah,

if anyone asks,

tell 'em you've been
chemically castrated.

Okay? It's very easy to lie about.

Believe me, nobody checks.

Okay.

SELINA:
Well, that was a waste of time.

- GARY: Here's some Purell.
- Okay, I need a tub of this stuff.

- BEN: Where have you been?
- Tom and Felix spent

the entire morning French-braiding
each other's bald spots.

Somebody's gotta go in there
and lure Felix out.

- Okay, I can, uh...
- Dan.

AMY: Dan.
KENT: Yeah, Dan.

Yeah, that feels right. (SIGHS)

BEN: I hope he's Felix's type.

In current gay parlance,

Dan presents somewhere
between a "wolf" and an "otter,"

some would call a "frost otter."

FELIX: It's always, you know...

Mr. Wade, I was wondering
if I could steal you...

Fly away, please, we're busy.

- TOM: Bye, Dan.
- Nice try, Grandma,

but you aged out of Felix's demo
back in the 20th century.

Uh, I'm 39-and-a-half.

You may want to start
coloring that gray.

- Just a thought.
- Mmm-hmm.

MAN: Bye, now.

- What... Dan?
- I need a minute.

- GARY: Ooh...
- What's wrong with him?

(GROANS)

Something's going around or something,

- 'cause my stomach is...
- Oh, Amy, please. We all know, okay?

And I would give you
one word of advice,

which is to try laxatives.

I'll tell you why.

It saves your teeth.

Ma'am, I'm pregnant.

(LAUGHING)

Can you imagine?

I'm pregnant.

- That's not funny.
- Okay, now I'm gonna be sick.

How did that happen?

I don't know...
One night. With Dan. I don't...

- Dan fucked you?
- Mmm-hmm.

What, were you wearing
a full-length mirror?

(LAUGHING) That's tough, but fair.

God Almighty,
shoulda had you fixed years ago.

Listen, I did not spend my entire life

defending a woman's right to choose
for you to choose this.

Jesus Christ.

Bravo.

- Oh, Felix. My God.
- I can't count the number of times

I've wanted to say the same thing.

Do you know that there's one girl

that worked in my office
who had four kids.

What was she, a possum?

Actually, Korean,
but that's very funny.

Selina, would you care to take
a little nature walk with me?

Oh, I would care to do that.

Thank you. (CHUCKLES)

- No? No.
- Yep.

The thing I realized about hip-hop

- before anyone else...
- Oh?

...is that the artists

(LAUGHING) would sign away
the publishing rights

for next to nothing!

(LAUGHING) Oh.

That's an incredible anecdote!

You know, Selina, to be honest,

I've been telling people for years
that you're a bit of a lightweight.

Well... Oh, yes, I mean,

I can be a bit of a lightweight.

- You said it, not me!
- (CHUCKLES)

But it takes a brave person
to be able to see one's shortcomings.

- Yeah, it does.
- In this day and age,

- it's very, very...
- Remarkable.

- Refreshing.
- Refreshing was the word I meant.

- Exactly.
- Thank you. Yes.

You know, we do this little thing here
called the Marshmallow Roast Talk.

Do you think you could
throw together a few remarks?

Because I really want to hear
more of what you have to say.

You know, I want to hear more
of what you have to say.

I would suspect
that I have many guests here

that would like to hear what I have
to say about what you have to say.

That brain of yours
is fascinating to me!

It scares me sometimes.

- TEDDY: Jonah, your accuser is here.
- (JONAH GROANS)

Ms. White. Thank you

so much for joining us.

The congressman
has something prepared,

and very heartfelt,

he would like to say to you.

I'm sorry, Amanda,
if I behaved in a way

that made you uncomfortable
or inappropriate.

All right? God!

You know,
and you should try smiling more.

We have this non-disclosure agreement

for you to sign in exchange...

Actually, I was hoping

Jonah could sign
my non-disclosure agreement.

It says that as far as
the law is concerned, we never dated.

I'm sorry, there's no way
I'm gonna sign that.

You are a stone-cold,
neck-down hottie.

I want the whole world
to know we dated.

We had one working lunch,
and we split the bill.

I split the bill on all my dates.

Why would I pay for a girl
to get fatter?

- He's such a...
- Ew! It was strictly professional!

There was nothing professional
about my behavior!

Nothing happened, Mr. Ryan.

I'm in a relationship
with a good, normal man,

who loves me. Yeah, normal.

But if he were to find out that
we even had lunch together,

Well, I'm not sure he'd be
strong enough to stand it.

God, Jamaican jerk Jesus,
just sign this!

No, Teddy!

Jonah Ryan will not be silenced.

We dated,

and the world's gonna know that.

WOMAN: Madam President,
SELINA: Uh...

Felix is going to introduce you.
Here's your marshmallow stick.

Oh, that's very exciting,
isn't it? Okay.

- Knock, knock.
- Oh, shit.

Just wanted to say
congratulations, Selina.

- Oh.
- And I did everything I could

to get Felix to give me
the marshmallow speech.

He's not the greatest listener.

Did you offer to blow him?

Tut-tut, Selina.

We do not refer to Mr. Wade's
sexual orientation.

- Sorry.
- But, yes. Yes, I did.

Well, I didn't tell him
you were a lousy lay.

- Probably read it in our books.
- (TOM CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

I love you.

I love you, too, Tom.
Go fuck yourself.

- WOMAN: Ma'am.
- Oh, yes. Yeah.

Selina, I mean it.

You're in my head all the time.

You always have been
and you always will be.

- Yeah, yeah.
- I love you.

- Ma'am.
- Yeah.

- Ma'am.
- Mmm-hmm.

Oh, here she is!

Here. I can't hold this. I can't.

Oh, wow. Um...

Thank you, Felix,
for this incredible opportunity.

I don't, uh, think it's controversial

for me to say to you...

Uh, I mean, ya know, um...

The movers and shakers
who confront the, uh, ya know, um...

uh, challenges

that we face, both, ya know,

abroad and, um... And, um... Um...

Ya know, at home.

Uh, we...

(GROANS)

- (WHISPERING) What is happening here?
- I have no idea.

Ya know, leadership, ya know,

uh, I mean, is a tricky...

Um...

- She's having a textbook aneurysm.
- (SELINA CONTINUES SPEAKING)

Still looks like a goddess.

And-and-and-and-and... Uh...

That's tricky.

- Tom?
- Yeah?

- Can I talk to you just for a second?
- Sure. Yeah.

Okay. Let me have it.

Hey, you don't get to smile
about this, okay?

What are you, some sort of sociopath?

That was the most
humiliating experience

I've had in my entire life,
and I was Vice President

- of the United...
- I had a heart attack.

- What?
- Eight months ago.

Quadruple bypass,
the old James ticker.

Which, I was all for it
when it killed my dad,

but it's not so funny when
the shoe's on the other ventricle.

- Mmm.
- (BOTTLES CLINKING)

Which I thought
you might be, uh, interested in.

- Right. No, I mean, I think it is...
- SERVER: I'm sorry.

- TOM: No, you're good.
- No problem.

- That was in Iraq, Senator James?
- Afghanistan.

In Afghanistan, okay.

Wait a minute, what are you saying?

I was lying there
with a lot of tubes and wires

sticking out of me,
and all I could think was

all the things I wished
I'd said to you,

and things I wished I'd done,
we'd done.

I had a heart attack, too.

- What?
- Mmm-hmm.

I did. Really.
About a year-and-a-half ago.

We covered the whole thing up.

We called mine
a "routine prostate procedure."

Well, yeah, men have it so easy.

People assumed
I was having a face-lift.

And then when I did have a face-lift,

I had to tell everybody
I was visiting the troops.

When I had my face-lift,

we told people
that you were having a face-lift.

(LAUGHING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

So...

You love me?

Maybe there's

an alternate universe
where we're not in politics,

we're just

unhappily married
somewhere in the suburbs.

(CHUCKLES)

And you work at a car dealership?

Assistant manager.

- Oh, look at you!
- I think. And we argue about

how much money
we're spending on landscaping,

and I think you flirt a little
too much with the kids' tennis coach.

And then we blow
each other's brains out.

Yeah.

Now, see, this...

More of my bad timing.

Unless somebody

drops out of the race.

Let's face it,
if you were the kind of woman

who'd choose me over the presidency,

I wouldn't want you so crazily.

I'm gonna kick your ass
all over the electoral map.

Good night, Selina.

(SOFTLY) Oh, God.

(CHUCKLING) Ah, there you are.

- You saw the whole thing, didn't ya?
- I did.

How about a hot soak
with a Laura Mercier bath bomb?

(GASPS)

Is it gonna explode between my legs
and make me cum until I cry?

I think it's peppermint.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

You okay, Dan?

Ames, am I gettin' old? I swear,
I feel like I'm five minutes away

from fiber supplements
and voting in midterms.

- I mean, we all are.
- Maybe I gotta stop foolin' around.

Maybe that's it. Maybe I gotta cut out

all the meaningless sex
with girls half my age.

I mean, you pull it out
to cum on her tits

'cause you think
it's gonna make you feel alive.

But it doesn't matter
where you cum, Ames.

Ya know? It just doesn't. It just...

- It doesn't.
- Yeah.

Sometimes it's good
to think about the future.

(CHUCKLES)

Don't know what I'd do without you.

The future...

(PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

SELINA: Okay, after last night,

none of these masturbators
of the universe

are even looking me in the eye
ever since Felix decided to back Tom.

And isn't that Tom over there
with your protégée?

What? Who?

BEN: Ooh, Tom and Kemi
would be a formidable ticket.

They could reassure people
that look like him

that their country wouldn't be ruined
by people that look like her.

God damn it!

- Take a few deep breaths first.
- Don't tell me how to breathe.

Good morning.

Hey, Felix, can I talk to you
for a quick second?

We've said everything we need to.

"Ya know?" Like you
repeatedly said last night.

(SELINA CHUCKLES)

Well, you know how you finance guys
like to talk about disrupting things?

How about we disrupt the election?

Scatter.

Yeah, like now.

SELINA: Get out.

- Tell me more, Selina.
- Yeah.

I'm addicted to disruption,

especially since
I stopped using cocaine.

(LAUGHING)

SELINA: You're...

You're so... Um...

Good for you.

Um, we, um...

We don't wait
for the convention, Felix.

I name my running mate now.

Even before the Iowa caucus.
No one has ever done that before.

- I love it. This is exciting.
- You do? I'm excited, too.

Was this your idea?

Yeah, but I'm gonna
tell you something.

You gave me the idea.

I'm not shocked about that.

(JONAH CLINKING GLASS)

Thank you for having me.

A lot of you knew me
when I was really little

and I was just running
around in diapers.

And now here we are,
and a lot of you are wearin' diapers.

(BETH LAUGHING)

Okay. Well, you might all know that
old chestnut, "Mother knows best"?

I think there's a lot
of truth in that.

Jonie, look! They're talking about you
on the television!

JONAH: Okay...
NANCY: Turn it up!

RICHARD: "Lyin' Ryan." (CHUCKLES)

Oh, that's gonna stick.

Jonah Ryan and I have not ever dated,

nor gone on a date of any kind.

Well, that's not true.

We had one meal together,

but it was strictly professional

and in the presence of others.

It was really more of a group thing.

Come... Come on.

He once tried to friend me
on Facebook,

and I did that thing
where I never responded "yes" or "no,"

hoping, praying,

that it would end.

(VOICE BREAKING) His behavior was
completely appropriate at all times.

Oh, no! I was all over her!

I got super handsy!

For too long women have been silent

in the face of rumors they went out
with Congressman Ryan.

But finally, people are
starting to believe women,

- (SCOFFS AND LAUGHS)
- and I believe Amanda

when she says, "Not me.

"Not. Me."

Ooh, that's catchy, too.

Felix, um, I'd like to introduce you
to Senator Alohak...

Oluwakemi.

Yes. Talbot.

Kemi is the future of our party.

(CHUCKLING) An all-female ticket?

I mean, the first one

- since Carter-Mondale.
- (CHUCKLES)

I'm not mad at that.

- Kemi, is it?
- It is.

Would you care to take a little
nature walk with Selina and me?

- Absolutely. Yeah.
- I love nature.

Mind if I tag along?

- No, Tom.
- (CHUCKLES)

That would be awkward.

I've changed my mind again.

Ya know.

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

- Yeah.
- I've been thinking

a lot about what you said,

so maybe it's time
for us to settle down

- and raise our baby, and...
- I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Look, I'm just about to fuck

this really hot 19-year-old
cater waitress. Okay?

And get this.
Her name's Meagan. (LAUGHS)

Oh...

Hi. Yes, I would like
to schedule an appointment

with one of your OB-GYNs.

Yes, it's for an abortion.

Yes, I'm sure.

Oh, do you also do flu shots?

Hey.

- Oh!
- (DOOR CLOSES)

KENT: Congratulations, ma'am.

Mr. Wade has officially
chosen you to sit next to him

- at tonight's farewell dinner.
- (CHUCKLING)

Show me some money!

- "The."
- The what?

- The money. "Show me the..."
- No.

GARY: All right!

Who wants some prosecco?

No one. Literally no one
ever wants prosecco.

- Give me that.
- BEN: Ma'am,

you're gonna be
drowning in money so dark

it could get shot
entering its own apartment.

(LAUGHS) We gotta
leak this everywhere, okay?

Seriously, it's America's
first two-cooter ticket.

Look great on a button.

And Mike works
for the Internet now, right?

- Tell him we got a big scoop.
- BEN: All right, texting him now.

I saw him earlier at the sundae bar

struggling with
the sprinkle dispenser.

Hey, ma'am, do you want
to pick out an outfit for tonight?

- Yes. Good.
- This color's quite strong.

- AMY: Ma'am.
- What?

You are not going to believe it.

Tom James is fucking Michelle.

- Who?
- Who?

His Deputy Chief of Staff.

- Who is that?
- I don't know who that is.

His Amy!

(GASPS AND GUFFAWS)

What?

How dare that smooth shitsack

cheat on his wife
and risk his political future

with someone that's not me?

Hey, ma'am, what about this?
I think it complements

Felix's spray tan really well.

He doesn't give a shit.
Just because Felix Wade

is gayer than an Eames chair
in assless leather chaps

doesn't mean that
he's some sort of fashion diva.

Can you... (GRUMBLES)

Where is Tom James?

Felix Wade is gay?

Thank you, ma'am!

Jonah, even more women
are stepping forward

to say they never dated you.

The #NotMe blowin' up big-time.

It's a goddamn movement.

RICHARD: Well, the good news is,
our approval rating

- in New Hampshire is skyrocketing.
- JONAH: Yeah.

Oh, wait, wait, hold that thought.
It's upside-down.

Maybe we should reopen
the Iowa office.

- Let's not do that.
- REPORTERS: Congressman Ryan!

Thousands of women have joined #NotMe

to say they've never dated you
and never will.

Okay. Thousands of unattractive women.

- Mrs. Ryan, any comment?
- I stand behind these brave,

unattractive women who have
come forward to say, "Not me."

You know, once upon a time,
back in high school,

I, too, did not date Jonah Ryan.

Although I did go out
with his super-handsome cousin Ezra.

Uh, and it's important to note
that they only got to third base.

- Thank you.
- No comment.

TEDDY: Ho-ho-ho, check out BuzzFeed.

Looks like we're not the only campaign

who farted and had
to throw their pants away.

Selina Meyer just outed Felix Wade!

Oh? Oh, and there's
another hashtag trending.

eWtoN. No, that's upside-down.

It's still NotMe.

- You should lock your screen, dude.
- Yeah.

- Where is Mike?
- (GARY GRUNTS)

Where is that fat-faced,
freckled fuck-it-up-agus, huh?

Hiding in the bathroom, ma'am,
making pretend diarrhea noises.

I just can't believe that
that second-hand Muppet

wrote an article that
people actually read.

Yeah, including Felix, who, by the way
ma'am, moved you to table 47,

along with his driver
and his daughter.

SELINA: Oh...

Okay, well, I guess I need
to go and congratulate him now.

I'm gonna choke him
with that giant cock of his,

- see how he likes it.
- Ah.

(SELINA CLEARS THROAT)

- Hi there, Tom!
- Hey.

I heard you had a very busy afternoon
working your staff to the bone.

I'd ask what you did this afternoon,

but I think I read something
about that.

Did Mrs. James send you to chaperone?

- Oh, come...
- Me?

Because back in our old Senate days,

this one here had a real thing
for blonde Hill rats

in Nine West pumps desperate
to fuck their way to the middle.

- Oh, boy.
- But that was a long time ago, so...

You know what I'd love
is a spicy mescal margarita

with light agave and heavy salt.

What are you looking at him for?

Ma'am, I'm the Senator's
Deputy Chief of Staff.

Congratulations.
Then you probably won't fuck it up.

- Okay.
- (CHUCKLES)

Oh!

Oh, watch where you're goin'!

- Sorry, Madam President.
- (CHUCKLES)

- Light agave. Yes.
- Yes, Madam President.

God, I feel so sorry

for whoever's stickin' their dick
in that bag of mayonnaise.

- I'm gonna go find my seat.
- Yeah.

Well, give my regards
to Felix and his checkbook.

Sadly, I am not the recipient
of Mr. Wade's munificence.

What...

Well, he sure as shit didn't pick me.

- Oh, did he?
- FELIX: Have you met Senator Talbot?

I like to say she's the future
of the party. I mean, look at her!

Fuck me in the Aspen.

She's running for president?

I don't know what she is,
but it's great.

- It's great. So exciting.
- It is great.

- So exciting.
- So exciting.

The tri-racial twat
stabbed me in the back!

She really is your protégée.

I'll see ya on the trail.

RICHARD: It's so nice
to be back home in Iowa.

Place is a dump.

New polls from New Hampshire.
Seems you just left yesterday,

but your numbers are already way up.

- JONAH: Yeah?
- Oh, wait. Actually...

- Oh, yeah, that's right, way up.
- JONAH: Oh, nice.

Maybe I should just
stop campaigning altogether.

- Couldn't hurt.
- JONAH: Oh, hey,

There are some more boxes in the car.

- Will you go grab those?
- Yeah, I'm happy to.

Oh, and remember, lift with your back.

It's your legs. Legs.

No, you lift with your back.

- Oh, that's incorrect.
- Okay, well...

That could probably be
the main cause of your scoliosis.

I have scoliosis?

Oh, yes. Clearly.