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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,089 --> 00:00:08,081 (COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING) 2 00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:10,361 MAN: Now bow to your partner... GARY: Bow to your partner. 3 00:00:10,385 --> 00:00:12,593 - Swing your partner... - Swing your partner. 4 00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:15,012 Wow, Ben, I really don't like being told what to do. 5 00:00:15,098 --> 00:00:17,327 BEN: Well, Felix Wade is the biggest bundler in the party, 6 00:00:17,351 --> 00:00:19,308 and he loves making millionaires square dance. 7 00:00:19,394 --> 00:00:22,432 Uh, bad news, ma'am. The U.S. Attorney's Office in New York 8 00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:25,436 has empaneled a grand jury to investigate the Meyer Fund. 9 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:26,526 What? 10 00:00:26,610 --> 00:00:27,670 - They're targeting Andrew. - Shit. 11 00:00:27,694 --> 00:00:29,130 - MAN: Swing the corner... - Around the corner. 12 00:00:29,154 --> 00:00:30,507 - SELINA: Oh, Roger. - Selina, looks like 13 00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:31,988 we're swingin' together! 14 00:00:32,074 --> 00:00:33,531 I would have invited my wife, 15 00:00:33,617 --> 00:00:35,358 but she's a squirter, and that dress 16 00:00:35,452 --> 00:00:37,068 doesn't look like it's been Scotchgarded. 17 00:00:37,162 --> 00:00:39,599 - Ever the charmer, Mr. Party Chairman. - MAN: Roll her away to a half sashay. 18 00:00:39,623 --> 00:00:41,059 - GARY: Roll her away... - Okay, when do we get 19 00:00:41,083 --> 00:00:42,915 - the check from Felix? - End of the weekend. 20 00:00:43,001 --> 00:00:44,958 He's gonna make you official at the final dinner. 21 00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:47,085 Okay, well, for that amount of money to my campaign, 22 00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:48,712 I'll do-si-do for his do-si-dough. 23 00:00:48,799 --> 00:00:50,415 And give yourself a hand! 24 00:00:50,509 --> 00:00:51,589 (ALL CLAPPING AND CHEERING) 25 00:00:52,302 --> 00:00:53,634 (MUSIC STOPS) 26 00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:57,088 Welcome to my 16th Annual Discovery Weekend. 27 00:00:57,182 --> 00:00:59,014 We're here in Aspen 28 00:00:59,101 --> 00:01:01,935 to build bridges to the future. 29 00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:03,977 Bridges made of ideas. 30 00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:05,771 No wonder the rest of the world hates us. 31 00:01:05,857 --> 00:01:06,938 Gayle King is here! 32 00:01:07,025 --> 00:01:08,561 Oh, my God. 33 00:01:09,278 --> 00:01:10,314 But you're not here 34 00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:12,236 just to innovate entrepreneurial solutions 35 00:01:12,322 --> 00:01:15,531 to the problems of tomorrow, you wanna square dance! 36 00:01:15,617 --> 00:01:17,137 - (MUSIC RESUMES) - I'm done with this. 37 00:01:17,202 --> 00:01:19,194 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 38 00:01:21,123 --> 00:01:22,684 SELINA: I've waited a long time for this. 39 00:01:22,708 --> 00:01:24,916 I guess Felix Wade always thought I was... 40 00:01:25,002 --> 00:01:27,915 - A lightweight? - God damn it, I hate that word. 41 00:01:28,005 --> 00:01:30,543 - Why? You're so skinny. - No... Oh, yeah. 42 00:01:30,632 --> 00:01:32,715 Ma'am. Ma'am. Ma'am, uh, I ran a little intel, 43 00:01:32,801 --> 00:01:34,713 and apparently the secret to Felix Wade 44 00:01:34,803 --> 00:01:36,948 is to always repeat the last two sentences that he says. 45 00:01:36,972 --> 00:01:39,305 Oh, come on. That is idiotic. 46 00:01:39,391 --> 00:01:41,428 - That's what I said. - Is he really that insecure? 47 00:01:41,518 --> 00:01:44,852 Come on, that is idiotic. He's really that insecure? 48 00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:47,021 - Right? Gary gets it. - Madam President. 49 00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:48,848 - Oh, Felix! - I am thrilled 50 00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:51,776 that you finally got lured to one of our little get-togethers. 51 00:01:51,862 --> 00:01:53,569 Well, I'll tell ya a secret, 52 00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:55,775 it's the only reason I'm really running for president. 53 00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:58,449 Really? 54 00:01:58,535 --> 00:02:00,597 I feel like you should have a better reason than that. 55 00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:01,953 Uh... 56 00:02:02,039 --> 00:02:03,120 Um... 57 00:02:03,206 --> 00:02:05,118 Uh, Felix, can I talk to you for a moment? 58 00:02:05,208 --> 00:02:06,603 It's been a delight. I will see you later. 59 00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:08,869 It has been a delight, and you shall see me later. 60 00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:10,961 Thank you very much. 61 00:02:11,048 --> 00:02:15,292 Okay. Isn't it astounding that the next President of the United States 62 00:02:15,385 --> 00:02:18,969 is being chosen by a closeted ex-record producer? 63 00:02:19,056 --> 00:02:22,390 The Electoral College hasn't exactly been hitting it out of the park. 64 00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:25,935 And, I mean, is it just me, or does Felix's friend seem a little young? 65 00:02:26,021 --> 00:02:27,957 He'll look older after Felix switches blood with him. 66 00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:30,689 Ma'am, Felix Wade's sexuality is the worst best-kept secret 67 00:02:30,776 --> 00:02:32,813 since Clyde Tolson's hysterical pregnancy. 68 00:02:32,903 --> 00:02:34,940 The man lives in a vast invisible closet. 69 00:02:35,030 --> 00:02:36,817 - Sounds amazing. - AMY: I'm gonna be sick. 70 00:02:38,116 --> 00:02:41,530 Wow. It always has to be about her. 71 00:02:41,620 --> 00:02:42,680 - Never fails. - Every time. 72 00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:45,492 Can you see if they can make me a specialty cocktail? 73 00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:46,823 - Of course. - Thank you. 74 00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:50,836 (RETCHES) 75 00:02:50,921 --> 00:02:51,921 (TOILET FLUSHES) 76 00:02:52,923 --> 00:02:53,923 (GROANS) 77 00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:57,176 (EXCLAIMS IN SURPRISE) 78 00:02:58,470 --> 00:02:59,551 Gary. 79 00:03:01,306 --> 00:03:02,922 I've been having an upset stomach, 80 00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:05,554 'cause I, uh... I ate... 81 00:03:05,644 --> 00:03:06,885 (WHIMPERS) 82 00:03:06,978 --> 00:03:07,978 (RETCHES) 83 00:03:09,648 --> 00:03:11,105 - (GROANS) - (TOILET FLUSHES) 84 00:03:12,609 --> 00:03:16,649 Hey, do me a favor and don't say anything to anyone... 85 00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:20,199 Okay... 86 00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:21,701 (GAGS) 87 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:23,742 MIKE: There it is. 88 00:03:23,829 --> 00:03:25,286 Hey, is Kim here? 89 00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:27,955 No, she got fired for sleeping with you. 90 00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:30,078 BuzzFeed runs a notoriously tight ship. 91 00:03:30,168 --> 00:03:31,375 I should probably thank you. 92 00:03:31,461 --> 00:03:34,499 You are lookin' at the new deputy senior editor. 93 00:03:34,589 --> 00:03:35,983 They're puttin' me up, and all I gotta do 94 00:03:36,007 --> 00:03:37,839 is sit on some panel for new media innovators. 95 00:03:37,926 --> 00:03:39,633 What do you know about new media, 96 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:42,303 Mike29748@aol.com? 97 00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:43,630 Oh, no. I got hacked. 98 00:03:43,724 --> 00:03:45,841 It's Mike53729. 99 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:47,641 Still @aol though, right? 100 00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:49,185 - Until I die. - Right. 101 00:03:49,271 --> 00:03:50,991 Ma'am. Ma'am, ma'am. Guess what? Guess what? 102 00:03:51,022 --> 00:03:52,809 - Amy's bulimic. - What? 103 00:03:52,899 --> 00:03:54,731 - Well, it's about time. - Yeah! 104 00:03:54,818 --> 00:03:56,546 And I'll tell ya something, she might want to consider 105 00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:58,370 a little more purging, a little less bingeing. 106 00:03:58,405 --> 00:03:59,590 - (CHUCKLING) That's right. - You know? 107 00:03:59,614 --> 00:04:00,883 God, that girl can't do anything right. 108 00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:02,899 - Ma'am, I am so sorry... - Amy, you got 109 00:04:02,993 --> 00:04:05,030 some vomit on your mustache. 110 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:07,578 SELINA: What the Rocky Mountain fuck? 111 00:04:07,664 --> 00:04:10,702 Ben! I thought I was the only candidate invited to this thing. 112 00:04:10,792 --> 00:04:11,792 Uh, so I was told. 113 00:04:11,877 --> 00:04:13,563 (MOCKING) Well, so why don't you go find out? 114 00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:15,189 AMY: I'm gonna shut it down, ma'am. BEN: Ma'am. 115 00:04:15,213 --> 00:04:16,954 (IN NORMAL VOICE) Oh, Tom! 116 00:04:17,048 --> 00:04:19,791 Look what the Gulfstream dragged in. 117 00:04:19,885 --> 00:04:23,925 Gosh, I didn't see a TED Talk for fake folksiness on the schedule. 118 00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:25,431 4:30. 119 00:04:25,515 --> 00:04:27,302 Kent, can you remind me real quick, 120 00:04:27,392 --> 00:04:30,135 uh, how many points am I beating Tom by? 121 00:04:30,228 --> 00:04:32,390 Des Moines Register says 18 points. 122 00:04:32,481 --> 00:04:34,438 Oh, eighteen points! Oh, my goodness! 123 00:04:34,524 --> 00:04:36,140 That makes me moister than an oyster. 124 00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:38,772 - Plus or minus four points. - Okay, still pretty moist. 125 00:04:38,862 --> 00:04:40,465 Although a lot of Iowans no longer have landlines. 126 00:04:40,489 --> 00:04:41,489 It's fine. 127 00:04:41,573 --> 00:04:43,213 Oh, Senator James, we need to keep moving. 128 00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:45,153 Ma'am. 129 00:04:46,077 --> 00:04:48,820 Good Lord, what's up with Frigid Von Pole-Up-Her-Ass? 130 00:04:48,914 --> 00:04:51,531 That is my Deputy Chief of Staff, Michelle York. 131 00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:52,866 She's basically my Amy. 132 00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:55,042 - Well, my Amy has bulimia. - Yeah. 133 00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:57,774 - No one likes a braggart, Selina. - Hey, Tom, what are you doing here? 134 00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:59,859 Just an old friend of Felix's, and I guess he thought 135 00:04:59,883 --> 00:05:02,000 I might enjoy a weekend in Aspen. 136 00:05:02,093 --> 00:05:05,712 - SELINA: Uh-huh. - Make some new friends. 137 00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:09,302 (PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY) 138 00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:11,426 - Good morning, jerk-offs. - BOTH: Morning, ma'am. 139 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:14,354 Ma'am, apparently last night Tom and Felix ended up 140 00:05:14,439 --> 00:05:17,807 closing down the Casamigos Tequila Ideas Bar together. 141 00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:19,358 Now Felix's people are saying 142 00:05:19,444 --> 00:05:21,231 that he wants to choose between you and Tom. 143 00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:23,563 Oh, come on. Son of a dick! 144 00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:26,240 - I want all eyes on Tom now. - ALL: Mmm-hmm. 145 00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:28,488 He cannot spend another second with Felix 146 00:05:28,578 --> 00:05:30,194 without me jammed in between 'em 147 00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:32,530 like the cross-piece on an Eiffel Tower three-way. 148 00:05:32,624 --> 00:05:33,990 MMF. The Devil's threesome. 149 00:05:34,084 --> 00:05:35,950 DAN: Isn't that Senator Talbot over there? 150 00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:38,335 - She used to run the SDNY. - SELINA: Mmm. 151 00:05:38,421 --> 00:05:39,524 She might be able to help us 152 00:05:39,548 --> 00:05:40,900 - with the Andrew situation. - AMY: Mmm-hmm. 153 00:05:40,924 --> 00:05:42,005 - Yeah. - Yeah. 154 00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:43,708 Gary, go and get her for me right now. 155 00:05:43,802 --> 00:05:44,802 DAN: Go, Gary. 156 00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:47,594 You know, I actually consider her to be a bit of a protégée. 157 00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:49,889 - Does she know that? - I thought I was your protégée. 158 00:05:49,975 --> 00:05:53,264 - No, you're Ben's protégée. - BEN: Not a very good one. 159 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,310 You know something, ma'am? Senator Talbot 160 00:05:55,397 --> 00:05:57,124 might not be a terrible choice for a running mate. 161 00:05:57,148 --> 00:06:00,232 An all-female ticket? I don't think so. (CHUCKLES) 162 00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:02,981 The American people work hard for a living, okay? 163 00:06:03,071 --> 00:06:04,778 They don't need that kind of bullshit! 164 00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:06,592 - Ma'am, Senator Talbot. - KEMI: Madam President. 165 00:06:06,616 --> 00:06:08,858 Kemi! Oh, my God, my protégée! 166 00:06:08,952 --> 00:06:11,365 - Ooh, very nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you, too. 167 00:06:11,454 --> 00:06:12,865 - I'm Amy... - Oh, no, no! You! 168 00:06:12,956 --> 00:06:15,039 - How are things on the Hill? - Crazy as ever. 169 00:06:15,125 --> 00:06:18,038 Did Senator Isles try and grab your ass? 170 00:06:18,128 --> 00:06:19,128 Oh, yeah. 171 00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:21,023 He used to say that mine was like a candy apple. 172 00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:22,288 - Mmm. - (CHUCKLES) 173 00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:24,610 Actually, Senator Isles is under investigation right now, so... 174 00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:25,634 For what? 175 00:06:26,636 --> 00:06:28,127 For the inappropriate... 176 00:06:28,513 --> 00:06:29,720 - Oh, yeah, right. - Yeah. 177 00:06:29,806 --> 00:06:30,967 'Cause that's bad now. 178 00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:32,057 Yeah, so... 179 00:06:32,142 --> 00:06:33,578 GARY: Ma'am, Tom James is on the move. 180 00:06:33,602 --> 00:06:34,809 So good to see you! 181 00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:36,664 - So good to see you, Madam President. - (GARY CHUCKLES) 182 00:06:36,688 --> 00:06:38,020 Just, uh... Yeah. 183 00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:42,854 Oh, look at you outside! 184 00:06:45,030 --> 00:06:46,441 - (GRUNTS) Tom! - Are you all right? 185 00:06:46,531 --> 00:06:49,194 Wow, that is so incredible. I did not see you there. 186 00:06:49,284 --> 00:06:51,992 Well, that's funny that you sprinted around the entire deck 187 00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:54,445 to just bump into me sight unseen. 188 00:06:54,539 --> 00:06:57,031 So, uh, I heard you had a very big night 189 00:06:57,125 --> 00:06:58,582 with Felix last night. 190 00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:00,284 You really should have been there. 191 00:07:00,378 --> 00:07:01,981 You know, it's one thing I've learned in politics, 192 00:07:02,005 --> 00:07:04,213 a lot of the best stuff happens after-hours. 193 00:07:04,299 --> 00:07:06,416 Oh, is that so, Captain Morgan? 194 00:07:06,509 --> 00:07:08,321 Well, thank you so much for man-telling me that. 195 00:07:08,345 --> 00:07:11,304 I believe the word you're fumbling for is "mansplaining." 196 00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:14,577 - Man... Okay, splain... - MICHELLE: Senator, we have to go. 197 00:07:14,601 --> 00:07:15,887 Madam President. 198 00:07:16,645 --> 00:07:17,886 Yeah. 199 00:07:18,688 --> 00:07:20,680 I got a picture. 200 00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:22,015 Of what? 201 00:07:22,108 --> 00:07:23,565 Of his Amy? 202 00:07:23,652 --> 00:07:25,109 His who? 203 00:07:25,195 --> 00:07:26,561 His Amy. 204 00:07:26,655 --> 00:07:28,612 - Ma'am, I don't see it. - Seriously? 205 00:07:28,698 --> 00:07:30,064 With this? And the... (GRUMBLING) 206 00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:32,070 No, ma'am, I got a picture of his schedule. 207 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:35,028 Presentation on compost at the Treehouse Theater, 9:00 a.m. 208 00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:37,363 Felix will be there with him. Okay, I'm... 209 00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:40,200 Amy, seriously, I know I rarely say this, 210 00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:42,751 - but that was really... - GARY: Okay. 211 00:07:42,837 --> 00:07:43,998 (WHIMPERS MOCKINGLY) 212 00:07:44,089 --> 00:07:45,671 Did you see what she had for breakfast? 213 00:07:45,757 --> 00:07:48,340 Yeah. And I bet she had a breakfast before that breakfast. 214 00:07:48,426 --> 00:07:49,837 There is no doubt about that. 215 00:07:49,928 --> 00:07:51,385 Okay, let's go to compost. 216 00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:53,679 - Okay? What is compost? - I don't... 217 00:07:53,765 --> 00:07:55,848 What we'd really like to get at, Congressman, 218 00:07:55,934 --> 00:07:58,301 is, what sets you apart from the other candidates? 219 00:07:58,395 --> 00:08:01,308 Well, for one thing, uh, I have a lot of new ideas. 220 00:08:01,398 --> 00:08:02,764 Oh. 221 00:08:04,442 --> 00:08:06,900 And what are some of those new ideas? 222 00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:09,855 Well, science tells us that it will be difficult, 223 00:08:09,948 --> 00:08:13,692 but within five years, I want America 224 00:08:13,785 --> 00:08:16,698 to put a man on Ellen DeGeneres. 225 00:08:16,788 --> 00:08:17,995 Up top! 226 00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:22,584 Thank you, Richard. 227 00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:24,205 Yeah, I didn't think you'd do that one. 228 00:08:24,295 --> 00:08:25,648 (CHUCKLES) It's pretty good, right? 229 00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:27,880 - It's great, thank you. - JONAH: She's a lesbian, so... 230 00:08:27,966 --> 00:08:29,193 - REPORTER: No, we get it. - Right. 231 00:08:29,217 --> 00:08:30,708 - REPORTER: We get the joke. - Okay. 232 00:08:30,802 --> 00:08:32,668 Congressman Ryan, I'd like you to address 233 00:08:32,762 --> 00:08:34,754 some rumors that have been circulating online 234 00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:36,339 that you made inappropriate advances 235 00:08:36,433 --> 00:08:38,174 toward a female staffer on Capitol Hill. 236 00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:40,806 I'm sorry. Derek, can we have a minute? 237 00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:42,811 Just one moment. 238 00:08:44,149 --> 00:08:46,857 Apparently, there's been an anonymous posting 239 00:08:46,943 --> 00:08:49,310 about a "dead-eyed, lantern-jawed, 240 00:08:49,404 --> 00:08:51,145 "one-and-done Congresstard" 241 00:08:51,239 --> 00:08:53,902 who acted in a sexually inappropriate manner? 242 00:08:53,992 --> 00:08:56,154 - Okay, well, that could be anybody. - Sounds like you. 243 00:08:56,244 --> 00:08:58,156 Jonah, who have you traumatized? 244 00:08:58,246 --> 00:08:59,932 And start with the doctor who delivered you. 245 00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:02,539 - I haven't traumatized anyone. - There was your aide, Emma Gray. 246 00:09:02,625 --> 00:09:05,333 Oh, Schnozz? She was stuck-up, I was just callin' her on it. 247 00:09:05,420 --> 00:09:06,911 Congresswomen Troy and Vasconi. 248 00:09:07,005 --> 00:09:08,667 Monster Tits and Monster Tits, Jr.? 249 00:09:08,757 --> 00:09:11,795 But all I did there was express some genuine concern 250 00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:14,047 that they had bras big enough to handle all that meat. 251 00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:15,531 At the Congressional Prayer Breakfast. 252 00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:17,638 Yeah. It was exactly what Jesus would have done. 253 00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:18,964 I mean, he's a man, too, Teddy. 254 00:09:19,017 --> 00:09:21,100 Okay, listen. Jonah, 255 00:09:21,186 --> 00:09:22,848 if anyone asks, 256 00:09:22,937 --> 00:09:24,769 tell 'em you've been chemically castrated. 257 00:09:24,856 --> 00:09:26,347 Okay? It's very easy to lie about. 258 00:09:26,441 --> 00:09:27,932 Believe me, nobody checks. 259 00:09:28,026 --> 00:09:29,142 Okay. 260 00:09:32,363 --> 00:09:33,716 SELINA: Well, that was a waste of time. 261 00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:36,177 - GARY: Here's some Purell. - Okay, I need a tub of this stuff. 262 00:09:36,201 --> 00:09:38,238 - BEN: Where have you been? - Tom and Felix spent 263 00:09:38,328 --> 00:09:40,556 the entire morning French-braiding each other's bald spots. 264 00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:43,118 Somebody's gotta go in there and lure Felix out. 265 00:09:43,666 --> 00:09:44,952 - Okay, I can, uh... - Dan. 266 00:09:45,043 --> 00:09:46,124 AMY: Dan. KENT: Yeah, Dan. 267 00:09:46,711 --> 00:09:48,247 Yeah, that feels right. (SIGHS) 268 00:09:48,338 --> 00:09:49,704 BEN: I hope he's Felix's type. 269 00:09:49,798 --> 00:09:51,084 In current gay parlance, 270 00:09:51,174 --> 00:09:53,319 Dan presents somewhere between a "wolf" and an "otter," 271 00:09:53,343 --> 00:09:54,834 some would call a "frost otter." 272 00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:56,447 FELIX: It's always, you know... 273 00:09:56,471 --> 00:09:58,240 Mr. Wade, I was wondering if I could steal you... 274 00:09:58,264 --> 00:09:59,424 Fly away, please, we're busy. 275 00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:03,179 - TOM: Bye, Dan. - Nice try, Grandma, 276 00:10:03,269 --> 00:10:06,103 but you aged out of Felix's demo back in the 20th century. 277 00:10:06,189 --> 00:10:08,055 Uh, I'm 39-and-a-half. 278 00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:10,732 You may want to start coloring that gray. 279 00:10:10,819 --> 00:10:12,060 - Just a thought. - Mmm-hmm. 280 00:10:13,154 --> 00:10:14,486 MAN: Bye, now. 281 00:10:15,740 --> 00:10:18,278 - What... Dan? - I need a minute. 282 00:10:18,368 --> 00:10:19,904 - GARY: Ooh... - What's wrong with him? 283 00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:21,155 (GROANS) 284 00:10:21,246 --> 00:10:22,723 Something's going around or something, 285 00:10:22,747 --> 00:10:26,240 - 'cause my stomach is... - Oh, Amy, please. We all know, okay? 286 00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:28,542 And I would give you one word of advice, 287 00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:31,917 which is to try laxatives. 288 00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:33,338 I'll tell you why. 289 00:10:33,424 --> 00:10:35,791 It saves your teeth. 290 00:10:35,885 --> 00:10:37,717 Ma'am, I'm pregnant. 291 00:10:38,054 --> 00:10:42,924 (LAUGHING) 292 00:10:43,017 --> 00:10:44,633 Can you imagine? 293 00:10:45,311 --> 00:10:46,427 I'm pregnant. 294 00:10:46,521 --> 00:10:49,013 - That's not funny. - Okay, now I'm gonna be sick. 295 00:10:49,107 --> 00:10:50,107 How did that happen? 296 00:10:50,191 --> 00:10:51,752 I don't know... One night. With Dan. I don't... 297 00:10:51,776 --> 00:10:53,608 - Dan fucked you? - Mmm-hmm. 298 00:10:53,695 --> 00:10:55,415 What, were you wearing a full-length mirror? 299 00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:57,275 (LAUGHING) That's tough, but fair. 300 00:10:57,365 --> 00:10:59,948 God Almighty, shoulda had you fixed years ago. 301 00:11:00,034 --> 00:11:02,572 Listen, I did not spend my entire life 302 00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:06,121 defending a woman's right to choose for you to choose this. 303 00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:08,407 Jesus Christ. 304 00:11:09,627 --> 00:11:10,708 Bravo. 305 00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:13,128 - Oh, Felix. My God. - I can't count the number of times 306 00:11:13,214 --> 00:11:14,830 I've wanted to say the same thing. 307 00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:16,631 Do you know that there's one girl 308 00:11:16,718 --> 00:11:20,132 that worked in my office who had four kids. 309 00:11:20,221 --> 00:11:21,507 What was she, a possum? 310 00:11:21,598 --> 00:11:23,339 Actually, Korean, but that's very funny. 311 00:11:23,433 --> 00:11:25,800 Selina, would you care to take a little nature walk with me? 312 00:11:25,894 --> 00:11:27,385 Oh, I would care to do that. 313 00:11:27,478 --> 00:11:29,185 Thank you. (CHUCKLES) 314 00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:31,893 - No? No. - Yep. 315 00:11:31,983 --> 00:11:33,849 The thing I realized about hip-hop 316 00:11:33,943 --> 00:11:35,150 - before anyone else... - Oh? 317 00:11:35,653 --> 00:11:37,565 ...is that the artists 318 00:11:37,655 --> 00:11:39,535 (LAUGHING) would sign away the publishing rights 319 00:11:39,574 --> 00:11:41,156 for next to nothing! 320 00:11:41,242 --> 00:11:42,242 (LAUGHING) Oh. 321 00:11:43,328 --> 00:11:45,194 That's an incredible anecdote! 322 00:11:45,288 --> 00:11:46,745 You know, Selina, to be honest, 323 00:11:46,831 --> 00:11:49,592 I've been telling people for years that you're a bit of a lightweight. 324 00:11:50,335 --> 00:11:52,543 Well... Oh, yes, I mean, 325 00:11:52,629 --> 00:11:55,463 I can be a bit of a lightweight. 326 00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:57,460 - You said it, not me! - (CHUCKLES) 327 00:11:57,550 --> 00:12:00,588 But it takes a brave person to be able to see one's shortcomings. 328 00:12:00,678 --> 00:12:02,419 - Yeah, it does. - In this day and age, 329 00:12:02,513 --> 00:12:04,505 - it's very, very... - Remarkable. 330 00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:06,511 - Refreshing. - Refreshing was the word I meant. 331 00:12:06,601 --> 00:12:08,012 - Exactly. - Thank you. Yes. 332 00:12:08,102 --> 00:12:12,813 You know, we do this little thing here called the Marshmallow Roast Talk. 333 00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:14,877 Do you think you could throw together a few remarks? 334 00:12:14,901 --> 00:12:17,393 Because I really want to hear more of what you have to say. 335 00:12:17,487 --> 00:12:20,696 You know, I want to hear more of what you have to say. 336 00:12:20,782 --> 00:12:22,523 I would suspect that I have many guests here 337 00:12:22,617 --> 00:12:25,095 that would like to hear what I have to say about what you have to say. 338 00:12:25,119 --> 00:12:27,736 That brain of yours is fascinating to me! 339 00:12:27,830 --> 00:12:29,366 It scares me sometimes. 340 00:12:29,457 --> 00:12:31,744 - TEDDY: Jonah, your accuser is here. - (JONAH GROANS) 341 00:12:31,834 --> 00:12:33,746 Ms. White. Thank you 342 00:12:33,836 --> 00:12:35,168 so much for joining us. 343 00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:38,339 The congressman has something prepared, 344 00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:40,917 and very heartfelt, 345 00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:42,797 he would like to say to you. 346 00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:46,013 I'm sorry, Amanda, if I behaved in a way 347 00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:48,261 that made you uncomfortable or inappropriate. 348 00:12:48,351 --> 00:12:49,887 All right? God! 349 00:12:49,978 --> 00:12:51,810 You know, and you should try smiling more. 350 00:12:51,896 --> 00:12:54,604 We have this non-disclosure agreement 351 00:12:54,691 --> 00:12:56,853 for you to sign in exchange... 352 00:12:56,943 --> 00:12:59,105 Actually, I was hoping 353 00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:01,733 Jonah could sign my non-disclosure agreement. 354 00:13:01,823 --> 00:13:05,237 It says that as far as the law is concerned, we never dated. 355 00:13:05,326 --> 00:13:07,613 I'm sorry, there's no way I'm gonna sign that. 356 00:13:07,704 --> 00:13:09,616 You are a stone-cold, neck-down hottie. 357 00:13:09,706 --> 00:13:11,322 I want the whole world to know we dated. 358 00:13:11,416 --> 00:13:13,703 We had one working lunch, and we split the bill. 359 00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:15,659 I split the bill on all my dates. 360 00:13:15,753 --> 00:13:17,961 Why would I pay for a girl to get fatter? 361 00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:20,585 - He's such a... - Ew! It was strictly professional! 362 00:13:20,675 --> 00:13:23,543 There was nothing professional about my behavior! 363 00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:25,093 Nothing happened, Mr. Ryan. 364 00:13:25,221 --> 00:13:28,134 I'm in a relationship with a good, normal man, 365 00:13:28,224 --> 00:13:30,386 who loves me. Yeah, normal. 366 00:13:30,476 --> 00:13:33,014 But if he were to find out that we even had lunch together, 367 00:13:33,438 --> 00:13:35,600 Well, I'm not sure he'd be strong enough to stand it. 368 00:13:35,690 --> 00:13:37,727 God, Jamaican jerk Jesus, just sign this! 369 00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:39,024 No, Teddy! 370 00:13:39,694 --> 00:13:42,027 Jonah Ryan will not be silenced. 371 00:13:43,406 --> 00:13:45,113 We dated, 372 00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:47,278 and the world's gonna know that. 373 00:13:47,368 --> 00:13:48,554 WOMAN: Madam President, SELINA: Uh... 374 00:13:48,578 --> 00:13:51,912 Felix is going to introduce you. Here's your marshmallow stick. 375 00:13:51,998 --> 00:13:54,206 Oh, that's very exciting, isn't it? Okay. 376 00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:00,162 - Knock, knock. - Oh, shit. 377 00:14:00,256 --> 00:14:02,873 Just wanted to say congratulations, Selina. 378 00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:04,879 - Oh. - And I did everything I could 379 00:14:04,969 --> 00:14:06,655 to get Felix to give me the marshmallow speech. 380 00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:07,965 He's not the greatest listener. 381 00:14:08,056 --> 00:14:09,467 Did you offer to blow him? 382 00:14:09,557 --> 00:14:11,048 Tut-tut, Selina. 383 00:14:11,142 --> 00:14:13,179 We do not refer to Mr. Wade's sexual orientation. 384 00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:15,511 - Sorry. - But, yes. Yes, I did. 385 00:14:15,605 --> 00:14:17,847 Well, I didn't tell him you were a lousy lay. 386 00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:19,835 - Probably read it in our books. - (TOM CHUCKLES) 387 00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:20,940 (CHUCKLES) 388 00:14:23,529 --> 00:14:24,565 I love you. 389 00:14:25,281 --> 00:14:28,524 I love you, too, Tom. Go fuck yourself. 390 00:14:28,618 --> 00:14:29,950 - WOMAN: Ma'am. - Oh, yes. Yeah. 391 00:14:30,036 --> 00:14:31,243 Selina, I mean it. 392 00:14:32,163 --> 00:14:33,904 You're in my head all the time. 393 00:14:33,998 --> 00:14:35,990 You always have been and you always will be. 394 00:14:36,084 --> 00:14:38,041 - Yeah, yeah. - I love you. 395 00:14:38,127 --> 00:14:39,789 - Ma'am. - Yeah. 396 00:14:40,755 --> 00:14:42,587 - Ma'am. - Mmm-hmm. 397 00:14:46,969 --> 00:14:48,255 Oh, here she is! 398 00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:50,462 Here. I can't hold this. I can't. 399 00:14:52,308 --> 00:14:53,970 Oh, wow. Um... 400 00:14:56,020 --> 00:14:59,434 Thank you, Felix, for this incredible opportunity. 401 00:14:59,524 --> 00:15:03,814 I don't, uh, think it's controversial 402 00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:06,316 for me to say to you... 403 00:15:09,534 --> 00:15:11,617 Uh, I mean, ya know, um... 404 00:15:13,371 --> 00:15:18,662 The movers and shakers who confront the, uh, ya know, um... 405 00:15:19,127 --> 00:15:20,789 uh, challenges 406 00:15:22,338 --> 00:15:24,295 that we face, both, ya know, 407 00:15:24,382 --> 00:15:27,841 abroad and, um... And, um... Um... 408 00:15:28,302 --> 00:15:29,509 Ya know, at home. 409 00:15:29,595 --> 00:15:31,678 Uh, we... 410 00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:33,593 (GROANS) 411 00:15:33,683 --> 00:15:36,096 - (WHISPERING) What is happening here? - I have no idea. 412 00:15:36,185 --> 00:15:38,097 Ya know, leadership, ya know, 413 00:15:38,187 --> 00:15:40,804 uh, I mean, is a tricky... 414 00:15:41,983 --> 00:15:42,983 Um... 415 00:15:43,067 --> 00:15:45,170 - She's having a textbook aneurysm. - (SELINA CONTINUES SPEAKING) 416 00:15:45,194 --> 00:15:46,605 Still looks like a goddess. 417 00:15:46,696 --> 00:15:49,689 And-and-and-and-and... Uh... 418 00:15:50,575 --> 00:15:51,782 That's tricky. 419 00:15:52,618 --> 00:15:54,109 - Tom? - Yeah? 420 00:15:54,203 --> 00:15:56,320 - Can I talk to you just for a second? - Sure. Yeah. 421 00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:01,246 Okay. Let me have it. 422 00:16:01,335 --> 00:16:03,873 Hey, you don't get to smile about this, okay? 423 00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:06,046 What are you, some sort of sociopath? 424 00:16:06,132 --> 00:16:09,421 That was the most humiliating experience 425 00:16:09,510 --> 00:16:13,174 I've had in my entire life, and I was Vice President 426 00:16:13,264 --> 00:16:14,904 - of the United... - I had a heart attack. 427 00:16:15,641 --> 00:16:17,758 - What? - Eight months ago. 428 00:16:17,852 --> 00:16:21,061 Quadruple bypass, the old James ticker. 429 00:16:21,772 --> 00:16:23,889 Which, I was all for it when it killed my dad, 430 00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:26,817 but it's not so funny when the shoe's on the other ventricle. 431 00:16:26,903 --> 00:16:28,110 - Mmm. - (BOTTLES CLINKING) 432 00:16:28,196 --> 00:16:30,076 Which I thought you might be, uh, interested in. 433 00:16:30,114 --> 00:16:31,925 - Right. No, I mean, I think it is... - SERVER: I'm sorry. 434 00:16:31,949 --> 00:16:33,177 - TOM: No, you're good. - No problem. 435 00:16:33,201 --> 00:16:34,970 - That was in Iraq, Senator James? - Afghanistan. 436 00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:37,156 In Afghanistan, okay. 437 00:16:37,246 --> 00:16:39,112 Wait a minute, what are you saying? 438 00:16:39,207 --> 00:16:41,620 I was lying there with a lot of tubes and wires 439 00:16:41,709 --> 00:16:43,621 sticking out of me, and all I could think was 440 00:16:43,711 --> 00:16:45,498 all the things I wished I'd said to you, 441 00:16:45,588 --> 00:16:47,875 and things I wished I'd done, we'd done. 442 00:16:47,965 --> 00:16:50,503 I had a heart attack, too. 443 00:16:50,593 --> 00:16:52,084 - What? - Mmm-hmm. 444 00:16:52,178 --> 00:16:54,761 I did. Really. About a year-and-a-half ago. 445 00:16:55,473 --> 00:16:57,339 We covered the whole thing up. 446 00:16:57,892 --> 00:17:00,305 We called mine a "routine prostate procedure." 447 00:17:00,394 --> 00:17:02,226 Well, yeah, men have it so easy. 448 00:17:02,313 --> 00:17:04,930 People assumed I was having a face-lift. 449 00:17:05,233 --> 00:17:07,145 And then when I did have a face-lift, 450 00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:09,352 I had to tell everybody I was visiting the troops. 451 00:17:09,445 --> 00:17:10,526 When I had my face-lift, 452 00:17:10,613 --> 00:17:12,341 we told people that you were having a face-lift. 453 00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:13,365 (LAUGHING) 454 00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:19,538 (CLEARS THROAT) 455 00:17:20,248 --> 00:17:21,580 So... 456 00:17:23,417 --> 00:17:24,874 You love me? 457 00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:27,669 Maybe there's 458 00:17:28,506 --> 00:17:31,374 an alternate universe where we're not in politics, 459 00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:32,753 we're just 460 00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:35,795 unhappily married somewhere in the suburbs. 461 00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:36,888 (CHUCKLES) 462 00:17:36,973 --> 00:17:38,339 And you work at a car dealership? 463 00:17:38,432 --> 00:17:40,048 Assistant manager. 464 00:17:40,142 --> 00:17:42,555 - Oh, look at you! - I think. And we argue about 465 00:17:42,645 --> 00:17:44,331 how much money we're spending on landscaping, 466 00:17:44,355 --> 00:17:47,939 and I think you flirt a little too much with the kids' tennis coach. 467 00:17:48,025 --> 00:17:49,503 And then we blow each other's brains out. 468 00:17:49,527 --> 00:17:50,527 Yeah. 469 00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:02,663 Now, see, this... 470 00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:04,239 More of my bad timing. 471 00:18:06,544 --> 00:18:08,831 Unless somebody 472 00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:11,254 drops out of the race. 473 00:18:12,341 --> 00:18:14,333 Let's face it, if you were the kind of woman 474 00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:17,135 who'd choose me over the presidency, 475 00:18:17,221 --> 00:18:19,178 I wouldn't want you so crazily. 476 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:24,469 I'm gonna kick your ass all over the electoral map. 477 00:18:24,562 --> 00:18:26,019 Good night, Selina. 478 00:18:30,568 --> 00:18:32,184 (SOFTLY) Oh, God. 479 00:18:36,198 --> 00:18:38,155 (CHUCKLING) Ah, there you are. 480 00:18:38,242 --> 00:18:40,655 - You saw the whole thing, didn't ya? - I did. 481 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:45,490 How about a hot soak with a Laura Mercier bath bomb? 482 00:18:45,583 --> 00:18:46,869 (GASPS) 483 00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:50,828 Is it gonna explode between my legs and make me cum until I cry? 484 00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:54,130 I think it's peppermint. 485 00:18:54,925 --> 00:18:56,086 (SIGHS) 486 00:18:57,386 --> 00:18:58,386 (SIGHS) 487 00:18:59,805 --> 00:19:01,512 You okay, Dan? 488 00:19:01,849 --> 00:19:04,512 Ames, am I gettin' old? I swear, I feel like I'm five minutes away 489 00:19:04,602 --> 00:19:07,310 from fiber supplements and voting in midterms. 490 00:19:07,396 --> 00:19:10,184 - I mean, we all are. - Maybe I gotta stop foolin' around. 491 00:19:10,274 --> 00:19:12,607 Maybe that's it. Maybe I gotta cut out 492 00:19:12,693 --> 00:19:15,436 all the meaningless sex with girls half my age. 493 00:19:15,529 --> 00:19:17,612 I mean, you pull it out to cum on her tits 494 00:19:17,698 --> 00:19:19,690 'cause you think it's gonna make you feel alive. 495 00:19:19,784 --> 00:19:21,424 But it doesn't matter where you cum, Ames. 496 00:19:21,452 --> 00:19:23,614 Ya know? It just doesn't. It just... 497 00:19:24,413 --> 00:19:26,075 - It doesn't. - Yeah. 498 00:19:26,540 --> 00:19:28,702 Sometimes it's good to think about the future. 499 00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:31,503 (CHUCKLES) 500 00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:33,954 Don't know what I'd do without you. 501 00:19:35,466 --> 00:19:36,832 The future... 502 00:19:38,094 --> 00:19:39,374 (PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY) 503 00:19:41,555 --> 00:19:42,966 SELINA: Okay, after last night, 504 00:19:43,057 --> 00:19:45,014 none of these masturbators of the universe 505 00:19:45,101 --> 00:19:48,685 are even looking me in the eye ever since Felix decided to back Tom. 506 00:19:48,771 --> 00:19:50,728 And isn't that Tom over there with your protégée? 507 00:19:51,524 --> 00:19:52,765 What? Who? 508 00:19:53,943 --> 00:19:56,276 BEN: Ooh, Tom and Kemi would be a formidable ticket. 509 00:19:56,362 --> 00:19:58,048 They could reassure people that look like him 510 00:19:58,072 --> 00:20:00,780 that their country wouldn't be ruined by people that look like her. 511 00:20:00,866 --> 00:20:02,607 God damn it! 512 00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:06,389 - Take a few deep breaths first. - Don't tell me how to breathe. 513 00:20:06,956 --> 00:20:08,322 Good morning. 514 00:20:08,416 --> 00:20:10,783 Hey, Felix, can I talk to you for a quick second? 515 00:20:10,876 --> 00:20:12,333 We've said everything we need to. 516 00:20:12,420 --> 00:20:14,662 "Ya know?" Like you repeatedly said last night. 517 00:20:14,755 --> 00:20:15,755 (SELINA CHUCKLES) 518 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:19,629 Well, you know how you finance guys like to talk about disrupting things? 519 00:20:19,719 --> 00:20:22,837 How about we disrupt the election? 520 00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:24,925 Scatter. 521 00:20:25,015 --> 00:20:26,381 Yeah, like now. 522 00:20:27,101 --> 00:20:28,217 SELINA: Get out. 523 00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:30,685 - Tell me more, Selina. - Yeah. 524 00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:31,932 I'm addicted to disruption, 525 00:20:32,022 --> 00:20:33,729 especially since I stopped using cocaine. 526 00:20:33,816 --> 00:20:34,816 (LAUGHING) 527 00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:37,567 SELINA: You're... 528 00:20:38,195 --> 00:20:39,606 You're so... Um... 529 00:20:39,989 --> 00:20:40,989 Good for you. 530 00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:43,531 Um, we, um... 531 00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:46,652 We don't wait for the convention, Felix. 532 00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:49,955 I name my running mate now. 533 00:20:50,458 --> 00:20:54,498 Even before the Iowa caucus. No one has ever done that before. 534 00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:57,625 - I love it. This is exciting. - You do? I'm excited, too. 535 00:20:57,715 --> 00:20:58,796 Was this your idea? 536 00:20:58,883 --> 00:21:00,403 Yeah, but I'm gonna tell you something. 537 00:21:00,468 --> 00:21:01,925 You gave me the idea. 538 00:21:02,011 --> 00:21:04,003 I'm not shocked about that. 539 00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:05,212 (JONAH CLINKING GLASS) 540 00:21:05,306 --> 00:21:06,342 Thank you for having me. 541 00:21:06,432 --> 00:21:08,219 A lot of you knew me when I was really little 542 00:21:08,309 --> 00:21:09,909 and I was just running around in diapers. 543 00:21:10,686 --> 00:21:13,599 And now here we are, and a lot of you are wearin' diapers. 544 00:21:13,689 --> 00:21:14,805 (BETH LAUGHING) 545 00:21:16,567 --> 00:21:20,186 Okay. Well, you might all know that old chestnut, "Mother knows best"? 546 00:21:20,946 --> 00:21:22,562 I think there's a lot of truth in that. 547 00:21:22,656 --> 00:21:25,569 Jonie, look! They're talking about you on the television! 548 00:21:25,659 --> 00:21:26,720 JONAH: Okay... NANCY: Turn it up! 549 00:21:26,744 --> 00:21:28,326 RICHARD: "Lyin' Ryan." (CHUCKLES) 550 00:21:28,412 --> 00:21:29,448 Oh, that's gonna stick. 551 00:21:29,538 --> 00:21:32,952 Jonah Ryan and I have not ever dated, 552 00:21:33,042 --> 00:21:35,329 nor gone on a date of any kind. 553 00:21:35,419 --> 00:21:36,419 Well, that's not true. 554 00:21:36,504 --> 00:21:38,746 We had one meal together, 555 00:21:38,839 --> 00:21:41,297 but it was strictly professional 556 00:21:41,383 --> 00:21:43,420 and in the presence of others. 557 00:21:43,761 --> 00:21:45,593 It was really more of a group thing. 558 00:21:45,930 --> 00:21:46,930 Come... Come on. 559 00:21:47,014 --> 00:21:50,098 He once tried to friend me on Facebook, 560 00:21:50,184 --> 00:21:54,975 and I did that thing where I never responded "yes" or "no," 561 00:21:55,064 --> 00:21:58,057 hoping, praying, 562 00:21:58,150 --> 00:21:59,857 that it would end. 563 00:21:59,944 --> 00:22:03,062 (VOICE BREAKING) His behavior was completely appropriate at all times. 564 00:22:03,155 --> 00:22:04,896 Oh, no! I was all over her! 565 00:22:04,990 --> 00:22:06,481 I got super handsy! 566 00:22:06,575 --> 00:22:08,032 For too long women have been silent 567 00:22:08,118 --> 00:22:10,735 in the face of rumors they went out with Congressman Ryan. 568 00:22:11,455 --> 00:22:13,538 But finally, people are starting to believe women, 569 00:22:13,624 --> 00:22:15,490 - (SCOFFS AND LAUGHS) - and I believe Amanda 570 00:22:15,584 --> 00:22:17,621 when she says, "Not me. 571 00:22:18,295 --> 00:22:19,706 "Not. Me." 572 00:22:19,797 --> 00:22:21,083 Ooh, that's catchy, too. 573 00:22:21,173 --> 00:22:25,964 Felix, um, I'd like to introduce you to Senator Alohak... 574 00:22:26,053 --> 00:22:27,385 Oluwakemi. 575 00:22:27,471 --> 00:22:28,712 Yes. Talbot. 576 00:22:28,806 --> 00:22:32,675 Kemi is the future of our party. 577 00:22:33,394 --> 00:22:36,011 (CHUCKLING) An all-female ticket? 578 00:22:36,105 --> 00:22:37,105 I mean, the first one 579 00:22:37,189 --> 00:22:38,589 - since Carter-Mondale. - (CHUCKLES) 580 00:22:39,608 --> 00:22:40,644 I'm not mad at that. 581 00:22:41,110 --> 00:22:42,226 - Kemi, is it? - It is. 582 00:22:42,319 --> 00:22:44,422 Would you care to take a little nature walk with Selina and me? 583 00:22:44,446 --> 00:22:46,187 - Absolutely. Yeah. - I love nature. 584 00:22:46,282 --> 00:22:47,693 Mind if I tag along? 585 00:22:47,783 --> 00:22:49,149 - No, Tom. - (CHUCKLES) 586 00:22:49,243 --> 00:22:50,609 That would be awkward. 587 00:22:51,078 --> 00:22:52,660 I've changed my mind again. 588 00:22:54,331 --> 00:22:55,993 Ya know. 589 00:22:57,418 --> 00:22:58,418 (KNOCKS ON DOOR) 590 00:23:00,337 --> 00:23:01,578 - Yeah. - I've been thinking 591 00:23:01,672 --> 00:23:03,004 a lot about what you said, 592 00:23:03,090 --> 00:23:05,924 so maybe it's time for us to settle down 593 00:23:06,010 --> 00:23:08,297 - and raise our baby, and... - I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. 594 00:23:08,387 --> 00:23:09,507 Look, I'm just about to fuck 595 00:23:09,597 --> 00:23:11,884 this really hot 19-year-old cater waitress. Okay? 596 00:23:11,974 --> 00:23:14,091 And get this. Her name's Meagan. (LAUGHS) 597 00:23:14,184 --> 00:23:15,470 Oh... 598 00:23:20,608 --> 00:23:22,941 Hi. Yes, I would like to schedule an appointment 599 00:23:23,027 --> 00:23:24,359 with one of your OB-GYNs. 600 00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:28,442 Yes, it's for an abortion. 601 00:23:28,532 --> 00:23:29,864 Yes, I'm sure. 602 00:23:30,618 --> 00:23:32,200 Oh, do you also do flu shots? 603 00:23:37,374 --> 00:23:38,374 Hey. 604 00:23:39,460 --> 00:23:41,076 - Oh! - (DOOR CLOSES) 605 00:23:43,380 --> 00:23:44,962 KENT: Congratulations, ma'am. 606 00:23:45,049 --> 00:23:47,132 Mr. Wade has officially chosen you to sit next to him 607 00:23:47,217 --> 00:23:48,977 - at tonight's farewell dinner. - (CHUCKLING) 608 00:23:49,053 --> 00:23:50,510 Show me some money! 609 00:23:50,596 --> 00:23:52,713 - "The." - The what? 610 00:23:52,806 --> 00:23:54,968 - The money. "Show me the..." - No. 611 00:23:55,059 --> 00:23:56,641 GARY: All right! 612 00:23:56,727 --> 00:23:58,559 Who wants some prosecco? 613 00:23:58,646 --> 00:24:00,854 No one. Literally no one ever wants prosecco. 614 00:24:00,940 --> 00:24:02,397 - Give me that. - BEN: Ma'am, 615 00:24:02,483 --> 00:24:04,002 you're gonna be drowning in money so dark 616 00:24:04,026 --> 00:24:06,018 it could get shot entering its own apartment. 617 00:24:06,111 --> 00:24:08,524 (LAUGHS) We gotta leak this everywhere, okay? 618 00:24:08,614 --> 00:24:11,857 Seriously, it's America's first two-cooter ticket. 619 00:24:11,951 --> 00:24:13,032 Look great on a button. 620 00:24:13,118 --> 00:24:14,798 And Mike works for the Internet now, right? 621 00:24:14,828 --> 00:24:17,015 - Tell him we got a big scoop. - BEN: All right, texting him now. 622 00:24:17,039 --> 00:24:18,575 I saw him earlier at the sundae bar 623 00:24:18,666 --> 00:24:20,828 struggling with the sprinkle dispenser. 624 00:24:20,918 --> 00:24:22,854 Hey, ma'am, do you want to pick out an outfit for tonight? 625 00:24:22,878 --> 00:24:24,147 - Yes. Good. - This color's quite strong. 626 00:24:24,171 --> 00:24:25,171 - AMY: Ma'am. - What? 627 00:24:25,255 --> 00:24:26,621 You are not going to believe it. 628 00:24:26,715 --> 00:24:28,377 Tom James is fucking Michelle. 629 00:24:29,343 --> 00:24:30,459 - Who? - Who? 630 00:24:30,552 --> 00:24:32,293 His Deputy Chief of Staff. 631 00:24:33,514 --> 00:24:35,176 - Who is that? - I don't know who that is. 632 00:24:35,265 --> 00:24:36,301 His Amy! 633 00:24:36,392 --> 00:24:37,678 (GASPS AND GUFFAWS) 634 00:24:38,686 --> 00:24:39,686 What? 635 00:24:39,770 --> 00:24:42,604 How dare that smooth shitsack 636 00:24:42,690 --> 00:24:45,808 cheat on his wife and risk his political future 637 00:24:45,901 --> 00:24:47,517 with someone that's not me? 638 00:24:47,611 --> 00:24:49,728 Hey, ma'am, what about this? I think it complements 639 00:24:49,822 --> 00:24:51,609 Felix's spray tan really well. 640 00:24:51,699 --> 00:24:54,533 He doesn't give a shit. Just because Felix Wade 641 00:24:54,618 --> 00:24:57,611 is gayer than an Eames chair in assless leather chaps 642 00:24:57,705 --> 00:24:59,557 doesn't mean that he's some sort of fashion diva. 643 00:24:59,581 --> 00:25:01,493 Can you... (GRUMBLES) 644 00:25:01,834 --> 00:25:02,834 Where is Tom James? 645 00:25:02,918 --> 00:25:04,784 Felix Wade is gay? 646 00:25:04,878 --> 00:25:06,414 Thank you, ma'am! 647 00:25:06,505 --> 00:25:08,246 Jonah, even more women are stepping forward 648 00:25:08,340 --> 00:25:09,797 to say they never dated you. 649 00:25:09,883 --> 00:25:11,590 The #NotMe blowin' up big-time. 650 00:25:11,677 --> 00:25:13,259 It's a goddamn movement. 651 00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:15,462 RICHARD: Well, the good news is, our approval rating 652 00:25:15,556 --> 00:25:17,367 - in New Hampshire is skyrocketing. - JONAH: Yeah. 653 00:25:17,391 --> 00:25:19,974 Oh, wait, wait, hold that thought. It's upside-down. 654 00:25:20,060 --> 00:25:21,972 Maybe we should reopen the Iowa office. 655 00:25:22,062 --> 00:25:24,040 - Let's not do that. - REPORTERS: Congressman Ryan! 656 00:25:24,064 --> 00:25:25,851 Thousands of women have joined #NotMe 657 00:25:25,941 --> 00:25:27,544 to say they've never dated you and never will. 658 00:25:27,568 --> 00:25:29,355 Okay. Thousands of unattractive women. 659 00:25:29,445 --> 00:25:32,153 - Mrs. Ryan, any comment? - I stand behind these brave, 660 00:25:32,239 --> 00:25:34,777 unattractive women who have come forward to say, "Not me." 661 00:25:34,867 --> 00:25:36,859 You know, once upon a time, back in high school, 662 00:25:36,952 --> 00:25:38,659 I, too, did not date Jonah Ryan. 663 00:25:38,746 --> 00:25:41,739 Although I did go out with his super-handsome cousin Ezra. 664 00:25:41,832 --> 00:25:43,935 Uh, and it's important to note that they only got to third base. 665 00:25:43,959 --> 00:25:45,370 - Thank you. - No comment. 666 00:25:45,461 --> 00:25:47,043 TEDDY: Ho-ho-ho, check out BuzzFeed. 667 00:25:47,129 --> 00:25:48,481 Looks like we're not the only campaign 668 00:25:48,505 --> 00:25:50,371 who farted and had to throw their pants away. 669 00:25:50,466 --> 00:25:53,334 Selina Meyer just outed Felix Wade! 670 00:25:53,427 --> 00:25:55,384 Oh? Oh, and there's another hashtag trending. 671 00:25:55,471 --> 00:25:57,804 eWtoN. No, that's upside-down. 672 00:25:57,890 --> 00:25:59,006 It's still NotMe. 673 00:25:59,099 --> 00:26:00,819 - You should lock your screen, dude. - Yeah. 674 00:26:01,852 --> 00:26:03,309 - Where is Mike? - (GARY GRUNTS) 675 00:26:03,395 --> 00:26:05,978 Where is that fat-faced, freckled fuck-it-up-agus, huh? 676 00:26:06,065 --> 00:26:09,103 Hiding in the bathroom, ma'am, making pretend diarrhea noises. 677 00:26:09,193 --> 00:26:11,185 I just can't believe that that second-hand Muppet 678 00:26:11,278 --> 00:26:12,922 wrote an article that people actually read. 679 00:26:12,946 --> 00:26:15,780 Yeah, including Felix, who, by the way ma'am, moved you to table 47, 680 00:26:15,866 --> 00:26:17,402 along with his driver and his daughter. 681 00:26:17,493 --> 00:26:18,654 SELINA: Oh... 682 00:26:18,744 --> 00:26:21,782 Okay, well, I guess I need to go and congratulate him now. 683 00:26:22,372 --> 00:26:24,534 I'm gonna choke him with that giant cock of his, 684 00:26:24,625 --> 00:26:26,036 - see how he likes it. - Ah. 685 00:26:26,794 --> 00:26:27,955 (SELINA CLEARS THROAT) 686 00:26:28,587 --> 00:26:30,294 - Hi there, Tom! - Hey. 687 00:26:30,380 --> 00:26:34,215 I heard you had a very busy afternoon working your staff to the bone. 688 00:26:34,301 --> 00:26:35,837 I'd ask what you did this afternoon, 689 00:26:35,928 --> 00:26:37,885 but I think I read something about that. 690 00:26:39,389 --> 00:26:41,676 Did Mrs. James send you to chaperone? 691 00:26:42,101 --> 00:26:43,137 - Oh, come... - Me? 692 00:26:43,227 --> 00:26:45,139 Because back in our old Senate days, 693 00:26:45,229 --> 00:26:48,597 this one here had a real thing for blonde Hill rats 694 00:26:48,690 --> 00:26:52,058 in Nine West pumps desperate to fuck their way to the middle. 695 00:26:52,152 --> 00:26:54,032 - Oh, boy. - But that was a long time ago, so... 696 00:26:54,613 --> 00:26:57,321 You know what I'd love is a spicy mescal margarita 697 00:26:57,407 --> 00:26:58,943 with light agave and heavy salt. 698 00:27:00,869 --> 00:27:02,235 What are you looking at him for? 699 00:27:02,871 --> 00:27:06,160 Ma'am, I'm the Senator's Deputy Chief of Staff. 700 00:27:06,250 --> 00:27:08,958 Congratulations. Then you probably won't fuck it up. 701 00:27:11,171 --> 00:27:12,171 - Okay. - (CHUCKLES) 702 00:27:13,298 --> 00:27:14,630 Oh! 703 00:27:14,716 --> 00:27:16,127 Oh, watch where you're goin'! 704 00:27:16,218 --> 00:27:17,698 - Sorry, Madam President. - (CHUCKLES) 705 00:27:17,761 --> 00:27:20,629 - Light agave. Yes. - Yes, Madam President. 706 00:27:20,722 --> 00:27:22,884 God, I feel so sorry 707 00:27:22,975 --> 00:27:26,264 for whoever's stickin' their dick in that bag of mayonnaise. 708 00:27:26,353 --> 00:27:28,185 - I'm gonna go find my seat. - Yeah. 709 00:27:28,272 --> 00:27:30,855 Well, give my regards to Felix and his checkbook. 710 00:27:30,941 --> 00:27:34,651 Sadly, I am not the recipient of Mr. Wade's munificence. 711 00:27:35,445 --> 00:27:36,445 What... 712 00:27:36,780 --> 00:27:39,568 Well, he sure as shit didn't pick me. 713 00:27:39,658 --> 00:27:41,900 - Oh, did he? - FELIX: Have you met Senator Talbot? 714 00:27:41,994 --> 00:27:45,237 I like to say she's the future of the party. I mean, look at her! 715 00:27:45,330 --> 00:27:47,367 Fuck me in the Aspen. 716 00:27:47,457 --> 00:27:49,369 She's running for president? 717 00:27:49,459 --> 00:27:51,200 I don't know what she is, but it's great. 718 00:27:51,295 --> 00:27:52,895 - It's great. So exciting. - It is great. 719 00:27:52,921 --> 00:27:54,753 - So exciting. - So exciting. 720 00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:57,378 The tri-racial twat stabbed me in the back! 721 00:27:58,385 --> 00:28:00,468 She really is your protégée. 722 00:28:01,638 --> 00:28:03,095 I'll see ya on the trail. 723 00:28:04,808 --> 00:28:06,286 RICHARD: It's so nice to be back home in Iowa. 724 00:28:06,310 --> 00:28:07,676 Place is a dump. 725 00:28:07,769 --> 00:28:10,307 New polls from New Hampshire. Seems you just left yesterday, 726 00:28:10,397 --> 00:28:11,854 but your numbers are already way up. 727 00:28:11,940 --> 00:28:13,126 - JONAH: Yeah? - Oh, wait. Actually... 728 00:28:13,150 --> 00:28:15,358 - Oh, yeah, that's right, way up. - JONAH: Oh, nice. 729 00:28:15,444 --> 00:28:17,324 Maybe I should just stop campaigning altogether. 730 00:28:17,362 --> 00:28:18,464 - Couldn't hurt. - JONAH: Oh, hey, 731 00:28:18,488 --> 00:28:19,716 There are some more boxes in the car. 732 00:28:19,740 --> 00:28:21,982 - Will you go grab those? - Yeah, I'm happy to. 733 00:28:22,075 --> 00:28:23,611 Oh, and remember, lift with your back. 734 00:28:23,702 --> 00:28:25,068 It's your legs. Legs. 735 00:28:25,162 --> 00:28:26,323 No, you lift with your back. 736 00:28:26,413 --> 00:28:28,655 - Oh, that's incorrect. - Okay, well... 737 00:28:28,749 --> 00:28:31,241 That could probably be the main cause of your scoliosis. 738 00:28:31,335 --> 00:28:32,451 I have scoliosis? 739 00:28:32,544 --> 00:28:34,001 Oh, yes. Clearly. 56212

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