All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S17E02.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

(Music)

All right, we are back.

(Cheers and applause)

We are back, we are back we
are having some fun, all right,

in case you just joined us,
this is our 29th and final

anniversary show, our last one.

We’re just having fun.

Yes.

I mean, this is it, so we’re
just kind of hanging loose,

just letting it flow.

Free and easy.

(Laughter)

Okay, okay, now, we’re here
with miss victoria Jackson.

Hi, Johnny.

How are you, dear?

Victoria, before the
commercial, you were telling us

that you are in the middle of
the divorce, is that it?

Yes, I’m getting a
divorce from my husband.

I know. And he’s a fire eater.

Yeah, and so anyway---

Yeah, and you wrote
a poem about it.

Is that it?

Yeah, I wrote a poem,
it’s called Alomony

And I bet you’re going to
by Victstand on your head, too?

True, is that it?

Well, I was going to---

Look, just get
the hell off, OK?

(Laughter)

It’s just boring already.
I mean, you come in here---

Give it a rest.
(Laughs)

That’s right.

You come on here, you’re after,
it’s just the same thing.

Not cute, anymore.
(Laughs)

All right, Miss Victoria
Jackson, everybody.

(Applause)

I mean, the hell with it,
Ed, I’m out of here in May,

I can just say what I want.

Yes.

I mean, what are they
going to do about it?

I’m gone.

(Laughter)

All right, all right now,
it’s time to run another

of our favorite clip
from the past.

As you know, Joan Embraer,
of the San Diego zoo,

is a frequent guest on our show.

This is one time in 1981 when,
well, nature took its course,

things got up, they
get a little wild, so,

just watch your monitors,
watch it at home.

Well, what kind of
an animal is this?

This is known as a
bush baby, Johnny.

They live in
Madagascar, in the wild.

Well, I think he likes me.

I think he’s sort of---

(Laughter and applause)

You should be drinking, Ed.

(Laugh)

(Laughter and applause)

That is wild.

(Cheers and applause)

That is funny, funny stuff.

You know, I’m sorry but let’s
see our friend, Jay Leno,

come up with that kind of stuff.

Yes.
(Laughs)

I’m sorry, there I go again
but what the hell, I’m sorry,

I just don’t see people
tuning in for Jay Leno.

No, sir.

I mean, he’s got that sort
of a weird face,

kind of, unattractive.

Lantern jawed freak.

(Laughter and applause)

I mean, that jaw just seems
to go on forever, doesn’t it?

Dick Tracy villain, yes.

That’s right, boy, this I got
to tell you, this feels great,

just to say whatever you want,
it feels good, doesn’t it, Ed?

Yes.

Now, is there anything,
anything you want to say,

just get off your
chest, go right ahead.

You’re the one who had
the drinking problem.

(Laughter and applause)

Well, that’s OK, well
I guess it’s true.

It just seems funnier
for you to be well,

I’m glad you feel better.

Feels cathartic, yes, sir.

All right, OK, well,
here’s another clip.

This is a clip from
1972, it’s Burt Reynolds,

John Della Wes and myself.

We just kind of - we
got a little silly,

some nights you just go off.

I don’t know what started it but
things got just a little weird.

Anyway, just watch your monitor
and let’s take a look.

(Fooling themselves)
(Laughing)

(Laughing)

That is whoopy.

(Cheers and applause)

That is some weird
wild stuff.

That is funny, I did not
know that would be so funny.

Any case, if you just joined
us, we’re looking at some

anniversary show clips and then
I’m sorry but more and more

I just don’t see the big
deal about Jay Leno.

Have you notice, Ed,
he’s only got one move.

It’s that whole---

(Imitating Jay Leno)
"Yeah, talking up high"

then he talks low thing
and that’s it, that’s it,

right there.

One trick pony, yes sir.

That’s right.

(Music)

(Applause)

Well, Ed, look what
the cat dragged in.

How you doing, Johnny?

It’s good to see
you, good to see you.

Hey.

Jay, you got something for
me, is that what this is?

You got a little something?

Well, yeah, Johnny, I get you
a little certificate

I made up here for you.

(Laughter)

It says, to the King of late
night, the king of late night,

it says, there will
never be another.

That’s nice, Jay.

That’s nice, Jay.

Is it two ply because I could
use it later to wipe my butt?

(Laughs funny)

That’s good, that’s good,
you’re kidding, that’s good.

It’s funny, no, it’s good.

I mean, you know how I
feel about you, Johnny.

I am, you know---

King of the brown
noses, yeah.

(Laughter)

Let me tell you, come on, it’s
time to tell the folks at home

that you’re kidding.

Oh, sure, Jay, I guess you and
your grotesque jaw

got just what you
wanted, is that it?

Johnny, come on, Johnny.

Johnny.

You know something, Ed,
you know something, Ed,

I’m having more fun
than I’ve had in years.

Pressure is off, I feel good.

Folks, what you say I
stick around

for about five more years?

Yeah.

(Cheers and applause)

That is wild, that
feels good but I guess,

I guess the people have spoken.

Jay, I hope you understand,
you can hit the road for---

Jay?

Screw you, screw you, we made
a deal, you stupid old man.

I made a deal, give me
back my certificate.

I’m leaving, I’m getting out
of here, I’m going over to ABC,

that’s what I’ll do.

I’ll get more money
than both of you.

You’ll see, I’m going to
be rich, rich, rich---

(Cheers)

(Laughs)

(Cheers and applause)

That is wild.

Did you see that, Ed?

Yes sir.

Now in case, you just joined
us, Jay Leno has shrunk.

I do not know that
people could shrink.

I did not know that but I do
know this,

Live from New York,
it’s Saturday night.

(Music)
(Cheers and applause)

It’s Saturday Night Live.

With
Dana Carvey

Chris Farley

Phil Hartman

Victoria Jackson,

Mike Myers,

Kevin Nealon

Chris Rock

Julia Sweeney

with
Ellen Clegg Horn

Chevon Fallon

Tim Meadow

Adam Sandler

Rob Schneider

David Spade

and featuring Al Franken,

GE Smith and the
Saturday Night Live band.

Musical guest,
Color Me Bad

And starring,
Jeff Daniels.

(Music)

Ladies and gentlemen,
Jeff Daniels.

(Music and applause)

(Cheers and applause)

Lorne, Lorne, Lorne

Jeff, Jeff, what happened?

I don’t know, I don’t know, I
came off the door, you know,

I looked at the audience, I was
trying to relate to the audience

and I didn’t know what to do.

You know, it was over so fast,
I don’t think anyone noticed.

Oh no, oh no, I just
choked, I choked, you know,

all the other hosts, they come
out here, confidence and all,

they got that little
skip in their walk,

they are into the music.

They relate to the audience,
you know, they got that kind

of, genuine thing that you
just can’t rehearse, you know,

I just---

You’re joking, right?

No.

Denny, come on over here.

Jeff is having trouble
with the monologue.

What?

Yeah.

Why don’t you just
walk him through it.

Oh, I can’t believe they
didn’t show you this.

Alright,
okay.o one told me
about this.

It’s really easy, it’s basically
eight moves for the host,

all right, Pardo says your
name "Ladies and gentlemen,

Jeff Daniels."

Right?

You open the door, you
lead off with a right.

Then you do kind of a cool run.
You’re going by the bay,

Cool run!

do a celebrity skip.

Celebrity skip!

Celebrity skip, that’s right.

Now, turn to the band
and do a pigeon neck.

Pigeon neck!
Pigeon neck!

Yeah, pigeon neck
Shows happening, that’s good.

Turn to the crowd, there
you are, there you are,

There you are!

There you are, or if you want,
falling star---

Falling star!

Falling star, good,
almost too good.

This way now, back to the band,
a little bit here comes the

plane, here comes the
plane

Here comes the plane!

Yeah, you’re happy,
you’re happy.

Here comes the plane!

OK, now you come
back, trained seal.

Trained seal!

Love you people,
trained seal.

Now, this is optional, a
lot of hosts like to go---

open the fridge
right at the end,

Open the fridge!

That’s right.

Open the fridge,
yeah, you got it.

Then you’re free to
do whatever you want.

Anything I want?

Anything?

Can I...Arsenio?

No.

OK, OK, so it’s cool
run, celebrity skip,

it’s the pigeon neck, it’s there
you are, it’s falling star,

it’s bringing the plane,
bringing the plane,

that’s trained seals, and
then it’s open the fridge.

Right, that’s it, go get
’em OK,

Lorne, I’m going to,

let me just try it again, OK?

And Jeff, if you want,
you can go woo woo!

Woo woo?

OK, thanks.

Yeah.

(Cheers and applause)
(Music)

Ladies and gentlemen,
Jeff Daniels.

(Cheers and applause)

Trained seal, trained seal!

(Music and applause)

(Cheers and applause)

Woo woo!

Thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you very much.

That was a piece of cake.

We have a great show tonight.

Color Me Bad is here.

(Cheers and applause)

There you are, there you are.

And we’ll be right back.

Trained seal, trained seal,
trained seal, trained seal,

Open the fridge, open the
fridge, open the fridge.

Aren’t the beautiful?

Yeah.

(Baby mumbles)

I never thought I could
love anything so much.

Do you worry about the kind of
world they’re going to live in?

Of course.

I try to do whatever I can.

Recycle, by the right diapers.

But, Nan, isn’t Zach wearing
a disposable diaper?

Sarah, we use Earthies.

You just don’t throw them away.

You plant them.

Earthies are the only
diapers lined with seeds.

(Woman speaking)
When planted, Earthies unique
absorbent liner protects

the young seedlings as
it begins to grow.

In a short time, an
ear of corn

emerges from the
diaper enriched soil.

And that’s something you and
your baby can be proud of.

Corn for boys and
pumpkins for girls.

And I’ve been using
cloth diapers.

Hey, what are the moms up to?

Nothing, just solving the
world’s problems, that’s all.

Hey man, great corn.

(Music)
(Laughter)

Great diapers.

(Woman speaking)
Earthies, the bountiful diaper.

Protects their bottom,
protects their planet.

(Man speaking)
From Del Monty.

(Cheers and applause)

Tom.

Tommy---

(Loud cheers and applause)

The Tom
Meister, making copies.

Hey Richard.

Senor Tomasito, St. Tom
of St. Thomas Cathedral.

Later, Rich

Tommy.

How you doing, Richard?

The Steve-o-nator,
back from vacation.

The guy with the tan.

The tan meister.

(Soft laughter)

Yeah, I did get a little sun.

Tan-o-rama.

Admiral von tan Houser
of the SS Coppertone.

(Laughter)

Monsieur Bane de Soleil.

Hi, Richard.

Hey, Richard.

Sandy, the sandstress.

Sandytized for your protection.

(Laughter)

Sandy.

Hey, Rich.

Larry.

* Richard, Richard Lamer
King, a wild frontier. *

Steve, I’d like you
to meet Larry Hanson.

Hi, welcome aboard.

Steve just got back
from the Bahamas.

* Steve Levin was a
man was a big man. *

* Bought for America, to
keep all of America free. *

It’s nice to meet you.

(Laughter)

(Singing on Storm,by Beethoven)
*Steven Levin, Steven Levin.*

* Steven Levin, Levin, Levin,
Levin, Steven Levin, Levin. *

So, he’s the new guy you
were talking about huh?

Yeah.

And does he not get
along with Richard?

I think Richard feels
threatened by him.

(Laughter)

That’s silly.

It seems to me they do
completely different things.

Rich does the variations
on the names, whereas Larry---

based on what I’ve
seen, sings the names.

I know, but Rich just feels the
whole name thing is his area.

I’ll try to talk to him.

Ok.

(Laughter)

Rich, the Rich Meister.

(Low voice)
Steve.

You have nothing
to worry about.

Steve O

(Laughter)

You and Larry are
completely different.

There’s no problem.

You’re far more creative.

(Becomes curious)
Steve.

Yes you are.

(Cheered up)
Steve.

(Laughter)

See you later, Rich Meister.

Larry, checking out
the files.

* Richard, Richard
Lamer was a big man--- *

Randy, the Rand man.

* Oh, Randy, you came and
you gave without taking, *

* but I’ve sent you away,
Oh, Randy. *

Hey Larry, hey Richard.

(Laughter)

Just making some copies.

* Randy, Randy Thompson,
king of the wild frontier. *

Randy tola, Rand Mcnally,
the Randibulator.

* Randy Thompson was a man *

(Cross talk)

Stop it. I’m trying
to make some copies.

Just give me some
peace, honestly.

Randy wants some peace.

The Rand Man, the peacester.

(Cross talk)

Shut up!

Listen, I don’t know what’s
going on here,

but this is ridiculous.

And you guys should
be friends.

You’re both equally
irritating.

(Laughter)

Larry.

(Singing Beatles, "Hey Jude")
*Hey, Rich, don’t make it bad.*

* Larry Hanson was a
man, was a big man... *

The Rich Meister making
friends with the Larry -Nator.

Clearing the air
with the rich man.

Larry Hanson.

Richarrama!

(Cross talking)

(Loud cheers and applause)

Thank you, thank you,
thank you,

thank you,
thank you.

Well, we have two find
community colleges here today,

representing two very
different parts of the country.

First, our returning champions
from Jasper county South Dakota,

Jasper County
Community College.

(Cheers and applause)

All right, and representing
queen’s New York,

the challengers from Belt
Parkway Community College.

(Loud cheers and applause)

OK, let’s just start a
game with math for 100.

According to the
Pythagorean Theorem,

A squared plus
B squared equals?

Equals what?

(Laughter)

(Buzzer)

C squared.

A squared plus B squared
equals C squared.

OK, let’s continue
on with history.

History, for 100.

These two axis powers were our
enemies during World War Two.

(Laughter)

Our enemies during
world war two.

(Buzzer)

Germany and
Japan, Germany and Japan.

We also would have
accepted Italy.

(Laughter)

Tell you what, let’s, last
week, we met our champions

from Jasper County, why
don’t we say hello

to our challengers
from Belt Parkway.

First---

(Loud cheers and applause)

First, our captain
Chandra Waring.

I understand you’ll tell
us a little bit

about Bell Parkway
community college.

Mr. Pythagorean, it
would be my pleasure.

(Music)

The campus of Belt Parkway
community college is located

at 1289 Jamaica boulevard,
Queens New York.

Our library, located
on the third floor,

contains books from
many famous authors

and will reopen next fall,

after being closed three
years for asbestos removal.

That athletic facility located
on the sixth floor include

a weight room boasting
a Stairmaster.

Our auto body shop

is the second largest training
facility of its kind

in Queens and with the
recent acquisition

of a PAC man, our student
lounge provides a place

for students to be
themselves,

in a relaxing and
comfortable environment.

Belt Parkway community college
is NSRA approved

and AICS accredited,

Federal and state
grants and loans available,

veteran approved,
MasterCard and visa.

Thank you, Chandra.

Now, your major is---

My major is travel
agent technology.

(Laughter)

Oh, a travel agent, that’s
a good way to see the world.

Yes, but mostly I just like
writing out the tickets.

OK, OK, let’s move on
down to Andre Jefferson.

Andre, your majoring in?

My major is dry cleaning
with a minor in pressing.

(Laughter)

OK, and Joey Fusco.

Scalp care.

(Laughter)

Scalp care, all right.

(Laughter and applause)

Let’s get back to our game
and geography for 100.

William Shakespeare refer to
this island as---

"This blessed plot, this earth,
this realm, this---"

This... what?

(Laughter)

Shakespeare’s home island.

Jolly old---

(Laughter)

(Buzzer)

England.

This realm is England.

OK, let’s try U.S.
presidents for 100.

Our third president,

he authored the declaration
of independence

and was responsible for
the Louisiana Purchase.

Our third president.

Washington Adams

(Bell rings once)

Belt Parkway,
Jefferson

Jefferson.

Jefferson, yes, all right.
(Bell rings)

(Wild cheers and applause)

All right.

You’re on the board,
OK, OK,

Belt Park Way, you won
the toss up

on U.S. presidents, now
you get to confer,

confer on the following
questions

and you’ll have 20 seconds.

Now, the only president to
serve more than two terms.

He was the father
of the new deal.

(Clock ticking)

Father of the new deal.

(Laughter)

(Laughter)

(Buzzer)

I’m sorry,
Belt Parkway.

Jasper, can you take it?

Forget it, never mind.

(Laughter)

(Clears throat loud)

Franklin Delano Roosevelt,
FDR, all right, all right,

Belt Parkway, you get to
pick now the subject

and the dollar value.

Let’s try math for 500.

Math for 500?

(Laughter)

How about math for 200.

They get harder the
higher you go and its---

Math for 500.

All right.

OK, all right, a
160 kg mass is suspended

from a movable pulley,
is to be lifted

using two stationary pulleys.
If the first stationary pulley

is half the diameter of
the second stationary pulley,

how much force is required
to lift the weight?

(Laughter)

(Buzzer)

800 newton’s.

It would require 800
newton’s of force.

Belt Parkway, I guess,
I guess

you’ve still control the
board---
(Buzzer)

Uh oh, well,
that’s the end of the game.

Belt Parkway wins, 100
to nothing.

(Cheers and applause)

Belt Parkway community
college, our new champions.

Sorry, Jasper County, but
you do take away

the $100 you won last week.

Next week, we’ll
see you next week,

Belt Parkway here at another
exciting community college bowl

and remember friends, a two
year colleges still college.

Bye everybody.

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)

Hi, I’m Chris Farley and this
is the Chris Farley show

and tonight I’m hosting
Jeff Daniels,

one of the greatest
actors around, I guess.

God, I hate doing
this part, man.

I never know what to say.

No, no you’re doing
fine, Chris.

You’re doing good.

Really?

Yeah.

No, I’m not!

Anyway, Mr. Daniels has done
the Purple Rose of Cairo,

Terms of Endearment,
Arachnophobia,

and Something Wildwhich
is an awesome flick.

Oh, thanks, thank you.

You remember in Something Wild
when Melanie Griffith

had you handcuffed to the
bed, remember that?

Yeah.

And you had to make that
phone call, remember?

And you’re chained to the
thing, you couldn’t get away.

Yeah, yeah, I
remember, yeah.

That was awesome.

(Laughter and applause)

OK, so you were also in
the Purple Rose of Cairo.

Yeah, yeah, I was, yeah.

Remember when you were doing
your movie and Mia Farrow

was watching and you came down
off the screen and talk to her

and you were in black and white
when you’re on the screen,

but then, when you talk to
her, you’re in color?

Yeah, what about it?

You remember that?

(Laughter)

Yes, yeah.

That won some
awards, didn’t it?

No, not really.

Ugh, God damn it,
what an idiot!

(Laughter)

I’m sorry.

You’re doing another
movie, what’s that called?

The Butcher’s Wife
with Demi Moore.

Oh yeah, Demi Moore, she’s
married to Bruce Willis, right?

Yeah, uh huh.

Did you see Die Hard?

(Laughter and applause)

Yeah, yeah, I did.

Remember when we had to cross
all that broken glass

without his shoes on and there’s
nothing he could do about it,

so he just walked on broken
glass with his bare feet?

Yes, uh huh.

(Laughter)

Did you like that?

(Laughter)

Yes.

Yeah, I did too,
that was awesome.

(Laughter)

OK, we’re going to
open up the lines now.

If you want to talk
to Jeff Daniels.

OK, there’s someone
on the line, hello?

(Woman speaking)
Hello?

Hello?

Yeah, is Jeff Daniels there?

Yeah, he’s right
here, go ahead, yeah.

Hello.

Yeah, Jeff, my name is Dawn.

Do you remember that scene in
Arachnophobia, when you went

into that barn and you
found that big spider?

Yes.

And you figured out why
there were all these spiders

everywhere?

Yes, I was in that
scene, I remember.

Oh well, yeah, it was great.

Thank you.

(Laughter)

You sound familiar, did you
call in last week

when Arnold Schwarzenegger was
on the show?

Oh yeah, that was me.

You remember when you asked him
if he remembered if he---

when he said I’ll be back
in both Terminators.

Yeah.

That was great.

Yeah, that was great, yeah.

(Laughter and applause)

Well, thanks for calling.

OK.

(Busy tone)

Oh, wait a minute, the
stage guy is waving at me.

Oh, we’re out of time.

That’s what it means
when he waves like that.

Remember a couple of weeks ago
when you’re doing the show

and I didn’t see you waving.

Well, that’s it for
this week’s show.

Thank you to Jeff Daniels.

One of the greatest
actors of our time.

God, I hate trying
to end these things.

I suck at that.

Was that OK?

No, no, you’re doing good,
you did fine, you did fine.

OK, I hope so!

(Loud cheers and applause)

(Music)

(Don Pardo speaking)
Weekend update

with Kevin Nealon.

(Cheers and applause)

Good evening, I’m Kevin
Nealon and I am an alcoholic.

(Laughter)

Our lead story tonight involves
the health of the president

of the United States.

More on that after this.

A man who was described as a
Hispanic male in his mid 40’s

called police today and
said he was in fact,

a fat Asian teenager.

And now back to our lead story.

(Soft laughter)

After receiving a
clean deal of health,

president Bush had resume
his normal activity.

Pitching horseshoes,
his daily road running,

followed by 18 holes of
golf, a few sets of tennis,

a little basketball, topped
off by a 1000 foot bungee jump.

That’s amazing.

While speaking to a group of
high school students in Houston,

Barbara Bush surprised everyone
present when she bragged openly

that she never leaves the
house without her diaphragm.

(Laughter and applause)

CIA nominee Robert Gates took
the stand again yesterday,

denied all allegations of cover
and asked the senate committee,

"Is this the face of a liar?"

(Laughter)

A bad week for the house of
representatives

after it was revealed
that the house members

had skipped out on their
bills at the house restaurant

to the tune of $600,000.

An audit also revealed that
138 representatives

have bounced checks at
the house bank.

Today, more revelations,
23 house members

have admitted to car thefts.

Georgia representative Newt
Gingrich shoplifted

a canned ham, some pantyhose,
and a pack of Coors

at a Washington
convenience store.

(Laughter)

Arkansas governor Bill
Clinton made his decision

to run for president official

during an announcement
rally last Thursday.

He will be the tallest
candidate yet.

(Laughter and applause)

In Russia, Muscovites lined up
for hours in Red Square to buy

a copy of Guns and Roses new
album Use Your Illusion Two.

(Laughter and applause)

Tomorrow night, NBC will air a
four par documentary on Greece,

you’re not going to believe all
the fraternity houses

they have there, big college
dots, big college dots.

(Laughter)

In the wake of Soviet reform,
Russia’s Leningrad

officially changed its name back
to Saint Petersburg.

Thousands of college students
are expected to flock there

for spring break.

(Laughter and applause)

In a related story, Florida
Saint Petersburg will change

its name to Leningrad.

Local residents are anticipating
long lines this winter.

(Laughter)

Israelis are conducting tests
on urination and stress.

Here, a west bank
control group

tries to complete the
final phase of the study.

(Laughter)

United Nations inspectors flew
helicopter missions

to search for SCUD missiles
in Iraq

for the first time
this week.

Although the inspectors
found no SCUD,

they did find Waldo three times.

(Laughter)

Well, the 1992 presidential
campaign is upon us

and this year, Weekend Update
political correspondent
Al Franken

will be keeping an eye on the
race for the White House.

Al?

Thank you, Kevin.

(Applause)

Well, the 1992 race for the
White House has started,

I, for one, couldn’t
be more excited.

Now, to be fair, I should tell
you at the outset,

that I am a lifelong
democrat, which is what

I really wanted
to talk about tonight.

See, it used to be fairly common
in this country for a young man

or woman, to start out as a
democrat and then as he or she

got older and more
established, at some point,

to start voting republican.

Winston Churchill
said it this way,

"Show me a young man who is
conservative

"and I’ll show you a man
with no heart.

"Show me an old man who is a
liberal

and I’ll show you a man
with no brain."

(Soft laughter)

I put it this way---

Show me an
old man who is a conservative

and I’ll show you a man that’s
made some serious money.

(Laughter)

And as co-producer, writer and
sometime performer on the show

I’m doing very well, thank you.

I’m not going to tell
you exactly what I make.

I want you to like
me, not resent me.

But let’s say, what I get paid,
considering what it is

that I really do, is obscene.

(Laughter)

I mean, it’s not Leno money,
it’s not even Carvey money

but, compared to someone who
really works for a living, well,

it’s just sick.

Now, in the old days, someone
making what I earn, I’m sorry,

making what I make,
would at some point,

switch to the Republican Party.

And I think that must have been
a very embarrassing moment

for our parents’ generation.

Yeah, I used to be a new
deal democrat but you know,

I kind of like this Nixon guy.

Well, fortunately, I’ve been
spared that embarrassment,

because for the last 10 years,
I’ve had the luxury of being

a democrat and seeing
my taxes cut

by a republican
president, sure,

but also by a
democratic Congress.

Like everyone in the top 1%
of income and believe me,

I’m safely in the
top 1% of income.

We have seen our after tax
income increase 58% since 1981

as compared to the rest of you

who have seen your
after-tax income go down.

And all with a
democratic Congress.

All right.

OK.

So, the 1992
presidential campaign.

We’re going to
lose and lose bad.

I’m for Harkin because I
can say I’m

for the old democratic
values and he’ll lose, you know,

really badly and things
will continue pretty much

as they’ve been which
is fine with me.

I’m Al Franken.

(Applause)

Al, that was kind of
cynical, wasn’t it?

Well, Kevin, a man once
said that a cynic

is someone who knows the
price of everything,

but the value of nothing.

So, yeah.

Interesting, thank you, Al.

Al Franken, ladies
and gentlemen.

(Applause)

Last week, I erroneously
reported that Bo Derek

underwent to face lifts, a
breast augmentation,

and a tummy tuck.

That was Iraq.

(Laughter)

as an year old mummy was
discovered this week

frozen in a glacier high in
the Austrian Alps.

Researchers theorized that the
cause of his death was a fall

resulting from inaccurate
tension settings on his Salomon

444 ski bindings.

(Laughter)

Elizabeth Taylor will marry
tomorrow for the eighth time.

Here’s Liz with his
fiancée, Larry Fortenski.

Ask if she’s keeping
her own mean,

Liz said the she’s taking a
tip from Roseanne Barr

and will change her name to
Elizabeth Arnold.

(Laughter)

Michael Jackson’s trademark
beaded white glove

was reported stolen
this past Tuesday

from the Motown museum
in Detroit.

Yesterday, however, a relieved
spokesman for the museum

called and said---

"Never mind,there was only
one glove to begin with."

(Laughter)

Also reported missing was
Latoya Jackson’s career.

No reward is being offered.

(Laughter and applause)

Doctors have determined
that drinking,

even one beer in the
midst of breastfeeding,

can deter a child from feeding.

It seems that even the smallest
those of alcohol

can make your breast
silly, drunk

and wobbly, knocking the
baby in the head

and preventing it from feeding.

(Laughter and applause)

Thursday marks the 40th
anniversary of Bobby Thomson’s

shot heard around the world.

That dramatic home run that
clinched the National League

Pennant for the
New York Giants.

Let’s listen to announcer
Russ Hodges during call.

(Stadyum crowd cheering)

(Russ Hodges speaking)
One strike pitch,
Frankie delivers,

swing and a long fly ball deep
to left field and it’s gone.

Home run.

Giants win the
pennant, game over.

Final score, New York
five, Brooklyn four.

Today’s game, brought to
you by Rangel beer,

Rangel, old buddy beer.

It seemed more exciting
when I was a kid, oh well.

In England, large circular and
geometrical patterns

found in wheat field have
mystified experts four years.

Some claim the phenomenon
to be a hoax

while others claim it to be
the works of alien spacecraft.

Closer to home, just
outside of Cleveland Ohio,

thousands of curious spectators
backed up traffic for miles

to get a glimpse of a similar
mysterious pattern.

Eddie Lee Armstrong
said it’s not a hoax,

he doesn’t know
how it got there.

Experts are expected to
fly in and investigate.

(Soft laughter)

In financial news,
spokesmen have announced

the merger of two prominent
frozen yogurt distributors.

The Country’s Best Yogurt TCBA,
and I can’t believe it’s yogurt.

The new company will
be known as

I Can’t Believe It’s The
Country’s Best Yogurt.

(Laughter and applause)

While speaking to new Yorkers
in central park this week,

Billy Graham accused
local residents

of running away from God.

In defense, the crowd claimed

they mistook the Lord
for a mugger.

(Laughter and applause)

Under pressure from the studios,
Spike Lee will be changing

the title of his in the works
film from Malcolm X

to Malcolm
NC17.

(Soft laughter)

On a sad note, the man who
invented the severe tire damage

parking lot spikes died
recently of a heart attack.

A hospital spokesman said
he would have lived had

the ambulance not had to go all
the way around

to the south entrance of the
hospital’s parking lot.

(Laughter and applause)

Abu Dhabi, the country that
harbors the scandal ridden

financial institution BCCI
headquarters announced today

that it will be changing its
name to Abu Dhabi doo

and its capital, the Bedrock.

(Laughter)

I’m Kevin Nealon
and that’s news to me.

(Music and applause)

(Intercom buzz)

Yeah?

Mr. Clark, Mr. Jansen
is here to see you.

Send him in, please.

You wanted to see me, Mr. Clark?

Yes, Tom, please sit down.

How long have you been working
in the design department?

About a month, sir.

Well then, maybe you don’t know
that we generally

like to stick to the
tried and true,

when it comes to
novelty items.

For instance, did you design
this fake robber vomit?

(Slams object on wooden table)

Yes, sir.

Well, first of all, why
did you make it so big?

I mean, someone wouldn’t vomit
this much vomit, would they?

I guess I just
thought, you know,

more vomit would be funnier.

(Laughter)

And why did you put this
whole sandwich in it?

(Laughter and applause)

As a joke, it is a
joke thing, right?

Yeah but - well, let’s move on.

Maybe you can tell
me what this is.

Oh.

(Laughter)

Oh. That’s the fake log
through the head.

Well, I’m familiar with the
arrow through the head,

but a log, how would you even
get a log through the head?

Well, say, you were out chopping
some firewood and after you chop

a piece, you were throwing it
all around to this big pile

and just then guy walked by
and hit him on the head.

(Laughter)

That actually happened to
me, that’s how I got it.

Yeah, but it wouldn’t go
through your head, would it?

(Laughter)

No, but that’s why it’s funny.
(Laughs)

(Laughter)

Finally,

I was curious about
this fake ice cube you designed.

Instead of having a
fly in it,

it has a tiny little
shrunken head.

(Laughter)

I guess I’m at a Las to
understand, first of all,

how a head could
get this small

and then somehow get
into an ice cube.

Well, to be honest with you,
Mr. Clark, I really don’t know,

I just thought it would
be scarier than a fly.

Tom, I’m sorry
but I’m afraid

we’re going to have
to let you go.

It’s not quite working out.

OK, I understand, Mr. Clark.

Could I give you this cigar?

Well, thanks, Tom,
that’s very nice of you.

Uh here, let me
light it for you.

(Explosion)

So, an extra powerful
exploding cigar, I like it.

No, I love it.

Jansen, you’re back
on the payroll.

Oh.

Thanks, Mr. Clark, but I don’t
want to be paid in joke money.

(Both laugh)

(Cheers and applause)

You know what it is, Glenn,
Howard just doesn’t care.

All he’s interested in is
what he can get out of a deal.

He doesn’t care who’s
inconvenience it is.

Really. Well, he’s
just, you know,

he’s going through
that tough divorce.

Oh no, no, no believe
me, but you know,

you think the guy would
have a little consideration.

I mean, don’t get me
wrong, I like Howard,

he’s a dear friend
of mine, right?

I do anything for him it’s
just that, you know...

No, no, no I know, I know.

Say you’re going up
to the lake this week?

No, no, Hank screwed up
the boat, he’s such a jerk.

I specifically told him not
to use it, of course he does,

he runs into a sandbar.

He has no respect for my stuff.

You know what, I
don’t respect him.

Really?

Absolutely, I mean, don’t
get me wrong, I love the guy.

I’d give him the
shirt off my back,

there’s nothing I wouldn’t
do for him, it’s just that,

you know---

Oh no, I know, I know, I
understand, he’s a great guy.

Hey guys, how are you doing?

What time’s our tee
off, are they backed up?

Yeah but ½ hour.

Kremlin doesn’t move
them along fast enough.

What the hell is wrong
with him, you know,

the guy never does his job.

He’s useless, you know, well,
he never did do his job.

The guy is more senile than a,
you know, I don’t know what.

Come on, come on, Kurt,
he’s doing his best.

Hey, if that’s his best, I’d
hate to see his worst, you know.

I mean, don’t get me wrong,
you know, he’s a wonderful man.

I love him like a father.

I’d take a bullet in
the heart for the guy.

it’s just that you know---

Oh no, oh no, I understand.

Of course, of
course, absolutely.

Where is Randy?

I thought he was
joining us today.

Yeah, that’s what
we thought, too.

Yeah, but when has Randy
ever kept his word?

That guy doesn’t have an ounce
of integrity in his body.

Just for the record, I
didn’t invite him here today.

I wouldn’t give him
the right time of day.

Wait a minute, I
thought you and Randy

were like really
good friends.

Oh no, no, no, trust
me, the guy is swine.

I mean don’t get me wrong,
you know, I love Randy,

he’s like a brother to me, I
worship the ground he walks on,

I’d throw my body in the
mud to keep his shoes clean.

You know, is just that,
you know---

Oh no, no, no,
I understand.

Damn it, if we
don’t tee off soon,

I don’t know how we’ll
be able to go nine.

Really, why?

I got to meet with
that new contractor.

What happened to Nick?

Oh, you mean, Nick the thief?

Nick the liar, that son of a
bitch overbilled me 20 grand.

I should kick his ass.

He’s a real
backstabber, trust me.

Now wait a minute, aren’t
you guys good buddies?

You were happy with
Nick.

He’s scum.

He is scum.

I mean, don’t get
me wrong, you know,

there’s no one I care more
about in the planet than Nick,

you know, if he were dirty, I’d
lick him clean with my tongue

and I apologize for not having
a towel to dry him with.

It’s just that, you know---

No, no, no, no I understand,

Say no more, I understand.

Uh huh.

Kurt, poker tomorrow night at
Roy’s, if you’re interested.

Can’t make it.

You’re not crazy about Roy?

Oh no, no, no I like Roy.

I like Roy.

He’s a son of a bitch but
I like him, you know---

No, no, no it’s not Roy,
it’s my brother in law.

I got to help him move.

Too bad.

Yeah, that pain in the ass is
sleeping in our couch

for the last week.

You know, that guy
is nothing more

than a freeloading
leech, sucking user.

I mean, don’t get me wrong,
you know, I idolize Charlie,

you know, I’d hold him to my
breast and suckle him

like a newborn calf, if I
needed to do that to him.

You know, I’d massage the
guy in oil for 2 hours

and then let him
lather me up and

then ride me like a big boy.

(Laughter)

Yeah.

It’s just you know, I mean,
you know what I’m saying---

No, no, no, I don’t
think we know---

what you’re talking
about here.

What are you talking about?

Ride me like a big boy?

(Laughter)

What are you?
Some kind of a pervert?

I don’t get it.

Guys, wait, I’m talking
figuratively here.

I’m serious, Kurt,
maybe you better leave.

We’re not enjoying your company.

Yeah, get out of here,
you freak, what is that?

Seriously.

Come on, guys, I was just
trying to make a point.

No, yeah, we got your
point, we got your point.

Ride me like a big boy.

(Laughter)

Fine, suit yourself.

Man, has he changed or what?

He’s definitely changed.

I always thought
he had a problem.

I saw it all along.

He’s changed, he needs
a little therapy.

He’s a freak, he
gives me the willies.

(Laughter)

He’s just dirty. Oh.

I mean, don’t get me wrong,
I like Kurt, you know,

I give him a sponge bath in
rock him to sleep if I had to.

Oh yeah, right, I mean, I’d
dress up like a woman

and talk dirty to him,
if he wanted me to.

Yeah, I’d shave my legs and wear
pomps and squeal like a pig

if the guy wanted---
You know what I mean?

Me, too.

Me too, absolutely,
no, no, I understand.

I understand, sure.

(Man speaking)
Number 23.

Oh great, that’s us.

OK.

Oh, here comes Lenny.

Please, I’m not
talking to Lenny.

(Cheers and applause)

(Man speaking)
It’s BBC 1 and it’s 5:00.

(Flat tone)

I hope you enjoyed this
week’s episode

of who’s the Cheeky chappy.

And before that, I hope you
enjoyed the history

of chain mail with Lester
Biggins.

And now, boys and girls, it’s
time to visit our little friend

Simon.

(Music box)

* Well, you know my
name is Simon. *

* And I like to do drawings. *

* I like to draw
all day long. *

* So, come and do
drawings with me. *

* Come and do
drawings with me. *

Hello, my name is Simon.

I like to do drawings.

(Laughter)

I am in my bath now.

So, don’t look at my bum.

Don’t look at my bum, that’s it.

bum looker, cheeky monkey.

(Laughter)

All right, today, we’re going
to look at what I did

during my summer holidays
through drawings.

Now, normally, I go somewhere
lovely with my mommy,

but last year, my mommy
decided to go away

and live with the angels.

So, this year, my daddy made
plans to go to Greece,

but not with me.

Instead, he went with my
aunty who sleeps over.

(Laughter)

Her name is Candy.

She’s ever so young and pert.

(Laughter)

So, he went to Greece and I got
sent to summer camp

in Aberfant, Whales, the scene
of that famous mining disaster

in which all of the children in
the town were killed

in a freak slag heap accident.

Still, camp was ever so nice.

Do you want to see
a drawing of it?

Do you?

Do you want to see a drawing?

(Crowd alltogether)
Yes.

Only if you promise
not to look at my bum.

Little cheeky monkey.

All right, then.

All right, here it is.

All right, this is a drawing of
all the other kids

doing an egg and spoon race.

I drew this from my
room at the infirmary.

On the first day I had to
go to camp hospital,

because the doctor
said I had scurvy,

(Laughter)

because I wasn’t getting
enough vitamin C.

All right then, here’s
another drawing, all right,

this is a drawing of the
camp during Friend Day.

I didn’t get a friend on
Friend Day,

because all the other
children thought

they would catch
scurvy from me.

Silly, all right.

OK, and this, do you
know what this is?

Do you?

Do you know what this is?

This is a drawing of my
little white English bum.

(Laughter)

That’s the close as you’re
going to looking at my bum,

bum lookers, all of you.

All right.

(Laughter)

All right.

After a month, camp
was over

and my daddy was supposed
to come pick me up.

He didn’t.

Eventually, I was picked
up by my real aunty, Enid.

She never did marry
or have children.

Daddy says she’s a
bitter barren spinster.

I don’t think she
likes little boys.

Still, my aunty Enid had an
American style barbecue for me.

(Soft laughter)

Unfortunately, a spark
flew from the grill

and landed on the roof causing
our house to catch fire.

See, that’s the fire
brigade, they saved me.

Eventually, my daddy came and
picked me up a few months later.

Mind you, you can’t blame him.

I mean, Greece is the cradle
of western civilization.

And what with Candy
being so pert and all.

Well, it’s time to go, I’m
starting to get prune hands.

I can’t do my drawings
when I got prune hands.

All right, I better make sure
I wash everywhere

especially my bits and pieces.

(Laughter)

I did, cheeky monkey.

All right then,
bye-bye everybody.

(Cheers and applause)

* And you know my name is Simon
and I love to do drawings. *

(Music)

(Woman speaking)
Good evening,

I’m Jane Pauley
and welcome to real life.

Hello, romantic love
and intelligence.

What happens in a marriage, if
you’re smarter than your spouse

or dumber?

What happens if you’re
much, much smarter

or much, much dumber?

With us is a remarkable loving
married couple of 10 years,

Gina and Troy and Mayhew
of White Plains New York.

Gina is arguably one of
the world’s smartest women.

A summa cum laude
graduate of Harvard

with a doctorate
from Cambridge.

She is, at age 34, the youngest
board member

of the Rand corporation.

Troy is 34 years old, a
house husband

and model train enthusiast.

And as far as can
be determined,

he is one of the
world’s dumbest man.

(Laughter)

Hello, Jane.

Now, Troy, it’s important that
our viewers understand

that you are not retarded.

No, but my IQ is
very, very low.

Isn’t he a darling?

Gina, how would you
rate your marriage?

Uhm---

Very successful.

It’s practical.

Its romantic.

Its fulfilling.

I never thought it would
happen to me, Jane, but it did.

Troy?

What?

(Laughter)

If your marriage is
successful, what makes it so?

Uh, I don’t know.

Well.

We have great sex.

Yes, oh yes, we do, yes we do.
(Laughs)

Well, Troy is great
with the kids.

Yeah, oh yeah, I love them, I
love them, of course, of course,

our kids are getting
to that age

were they’re kind of embarrassed
to have their dad around.

How old are your children?

Two and four.

(Laughter)

Is the honeymoon over?

Oh, it was over when we
got back from Hawaii?

Gina?

No, no, no, not really.

Actually, I think we’re
gathering momentum, Jane.

Troy, what is the smartest
thing you’ve ever done?

Oh, one time, this guy, came
up to me and asked me

to buy some drugs and I just
said no and walked away.

(Laughter)

Well, what about
marrying Gina?

I mean, don’t you think
that marrying her may be

the smartest thing
you’ve ever done?

No, I think saying
no to drugs

was the smartest
thing I’ve ever done.

Gina, no marriage is without
conflict and friction,

when you argue, aren’t you
tempted to say, "Oh, Troy,

"you’re an idiot, I’m much
smarter than you, you’re stupid,

you don’t know anything."

Yeah, I suppose I do, but Troy
is really much thicker skinned

than most men.

Oh, there’s not much she can
say that I haven’t heard before.

Well, you certainly are
two very different people.

Jean and Troy and Mayhew,
world’s smartest woman

and dumbest man, thank you for
sharing your insights

on Romantic Love
and Intelligence.

Stay with us for our next
segment, when we’ll continue

with Jeanne Kirkpatrick
and her husband, Louis.

(Music and applause)

(Piano playing)

I only had the greatest
time of my life.

Thanks to Saturday Night Live
and everybody in the orchestra.

(Cheers and applause)

Good night!

(Music and applause)