All language subtitles for The.Last.Year.Of.Television.2022.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

MITCH MCTAGGART: Hi. I don't think
it'd be vulgar of me to admit

that it's been a big, wet, messy year
for Australian television.

Tears, tantrums, dog content,

and in the case of Andrew O'Keefe,
all three.

'Neighbours' ended, 'MAFS' didn't,
and then 'Neighbours' also didn't.

But let us empty out the soggy
cardboard box we've just packed up,

and review the horrible mess
we've now made upon the carpet.

That wet mess in question
is the year 2022.

I'm Mitch McTaggart, and this is
The Last Year of Television.

(THEME MUSIC)

I bet you're thinking that
this year's going to be the one

that's a bit more measured,

or have less Roberta Williams in it

accused of threatening to kill
a reality TV producer.

Next 'Underbelly's' sorted though.

Or have less Craig McLachlan

posting unprompted videos of himself
in character

because it went so well for
Kevin Spacey when he used to do that.

Yes, it was all 2022.

So strap in, baby.
Let's go, let's go!

Leigh Sales was out with COVID,

then was bitten by a mouse,
then quit.

Obviously, those three events
are unrelated.

The mouse wasn't why she left 7:30,

though I'm told that's what happened
with Kerry O'Brien.

Meanwhile, ABC weather presenter,
Paul Higgins came into work

after allegedly failing to isolate
post PCR test,

which, whoopsie-daisy,
ended up positive.

If only he was as passionate
for his seven-day isolation

as he was for his seven-day forecast.

Despite Channel 9's
'Parental Guidance'

apparently determining in 2021

apparently determining in 2021

what the best parenting style is...

Free range, mm.

..a casting call was still put out

for series two,

seemingly suggesting that

Australia's best parenting style
is changed yearly,

like a lint filter.

Maybe a second series is entirely due
to the conflict

the show can easily manufacture

by sticking all the parents
in a single room to have at it.

And why bother definitively ruling
the best parenting style

when you can simply not do that,

and just carry on faux abducting kids
for ratings points.

Everyone wins.

Except the kids, and the parents,
and the parents at home.

The only winner is Nine.

While 32 refugees and asylum seekers

were trapped
in Melbourne's Park Hotel,

some indefinitely detained
for up to nine years,

dealing with maggots and mouldy food,

and medical neglect,

they briefly
shared their accommodation

with a rich vaccine-hesitant
sports star

who was being prevented from
hitting a ball for financial gain.

Yes, Novak Djokovic was,
for a time, in hotel hell,

and if you were watching 'Sunrise',

his ordeal was briefly mentioned
in this studio round table,

this interview
with the health minister,

this interview
with the health minister,

this multi-location live cross,

this interview
with the home affairs minister,

then these people, the deputy PM,

the assistant treasurer,

Novak's former coach,

the shadow home affairs minister,

this reporter live from Serbia,

these people, Novak's mum,

the opposition leader,
a former tennis player,

the former deputy secretary
of immigration,

the Lord Mayor of Perth,

this lawyer expert guy,

the federal treasurer, these people,

and sad fan
standing next to another sad fan,

but holding an accordion.

Ah, and here I am thinking I had
a fresh angle on the whole thing.

The court of public opinion is...

I mean, it's really...
It's quite murky.

Everyone seems to have
a different opinion.

Do they though?

Certainly not as murky

as this leaked 'Seven News'
camera feed would suggest.

Whatever way you look at it,

Novak Djokovic is a lying, sneaky...

He's an asshole.
..asshole.

If only 'Sunrise' was as direct
as that,

it would certainly be
a shorter programme.

But the fact is life is never fair.

Yeah.

Some people fly first class...

And some people remain locked up
at Park Hotel

with minimal commercial news
coverage.

with minimal commercial news
coverage.

If only everybody
could be good at tennis.

(ACCORDION MUSIC)

Dropping in at the tail end
of last year

was Binge's first original drama,
'Love Me'.

A sweet, witty and grounded character
piece from lead writer, Alison Bell.

Great performances and writing,
and also looks stunning.

Melbourne hasn't been this much
of a character since 'City Homicide',

though that was more of a broadsheet
list of top places to hide a body.

Australian of the Year, Grace Tame,

has ended her tenure

with a controversial appearance
with the Prime Minister.

SPEAKER ONE:
If a picture is worth 1,000 words.

SPEAKER TWO: If looks could kill.

Mm. If we could use other cliches.

SPEAKER: The 27-year-old advocate
for survivors of sexual assault

has previously criticised
Scott Morrison

for his response to women's issues.

And one man who was particularly
upset at a woman's face

for a politically staged photo op

was Channel 10 wunderkind,
Peter van Onselen,

penning an article
in 'The Australian'

about how not smiling
was embarrassing for her,

and that she was also ungracious,
rude, and childish.

'Pedestrian' called that article
absolutely putrid.

'Pedestrian' called that article
absolutely putrid.

Obviously, one of the more positive
responses there.

And van Onselen was on 'The Project',
doubling down on his views

to colleague, Carrie Bickmore
and guest, Amy Remeikis.

But if you can't show
basic courtesy,

I just think it's immature.

Why should she stand there
and smile,

and why do we have to be polite?
I don't think she should.

Why do you...

I don't think
she should stand there and smile.

I think she just shouldn't go

if you can't show basic courtesy...
You devote an entire column

about how she was being childish

because she showed
her authentic feelings.

Why did you write it?
But I just think...

Why did you write it?

Maybe he wrote it
so he could later concede,

it was probably unnecessary
to write it.

And, as well as not writing
what he already wrote,

he instead can just think it.

So great news in that
we'll be hearing less of him.

Into Feb,
and 'Big Brother VIP' was axed

to make way
for a more traditional version,

but just not the very traditional one
on Ten

where there's all that penis stuff,
obviously.

Former PM Malcolm Turnbull,

had a theory on which minister
leaked damaging ScoMo texts

to Peter van Onselen.

It was Colonel Mustard
in the library with a smartphone.

It was Colonel Mustard
in the library with a smartphone.

Probably Mustard who fucked up
the NBN too, was it?

(SCOFFS)

And in the midst
of the Ukraine invasion,

the Kremlin-backed channel,
Russia Today

was pulled off the air by Foxtel.

And if they get rid of Sky next,
I'll buy a 12-month plan.

Channel 7's desperate public
rehabilitation of Wayne Carey

continued with an appearance
on 'SAS Australia'.

Not only did he admit

that having an affair
with his teammate's wife has...

Haunted me for over 20 years.

Like some kind of
accountability ghost,

but he also spoke of a particular
2007 incident in America.

And, heads up,
you should feel sad for him here

because there's sad piano music
underneath it.

Of course, throwing wine
on a girlfriend is unacceptable.

Completely unacceptable.

Yes, the glass touched her lip,
it didn't break.

Yeah, except that's not his
ex-girlfriend's recollection of it,

who alleged that Carey

had smashed a wine glass in her face,

cutting her mouth and neck.

And when police made it to the scene,

he kicked a female police officer
in the mouth.

he kicked a female police officer
in the mouth.

Not only did that incident get
drastically downplayed on 'SAS',

but the apparent redemption scene

flat out ignored
all the other shit he's done.

Pause this screen if you want,

cannot be fucked
going through it all.

Neither could 'SAS', apparently.

Writing about Carey's appearance,

'Now to Love' pointed out that...

Seven's long-term investment in Carey
began

after Nine and 3AW sacked him
for his behaviour in 2008.

Either enough time had passed
for TV to forgive Wayne Carey,

or Seven's standards were just lower.

Got him on board in 2014,
as an AFL commentator.

Then, notably in 2020,
whipped his dick out in primetime

for Seven's 'The All New Monty'

with high jinx aplenty.

(LAUGHTER)

(SARCASTICALLY)
Look at him, he's so goofy.

The point is, Wayne Carey
may well be a better person now,

but, both Carey and Seven don't
get to gaslight their audience

by downplaying past abuse,

by downplaying past abuse,

all for the sake of appearing more
palatable on a shouty game show.

All my partners will say
I've never been physically abusive.

Yeah. And I bet they'll also say

they'd never been paid
$250,000 appearance fee either.

The PR rehabilitations
continued over on Nine,

where an election-ready,
Scott Morrison

got the puff treatment
from '60 Minutes',

with lots of shots of laughing
to make him approachable,

family dinners, walking,

shaking hands with Karl,

at the pub, drinking beer,

whatever's going on here,
playing the ukulele.

Is there anything he doesn't do?

Hold a hose.

A lot of the piece
was a shit-tacular carousel

of addressing his PR disasters,

including at the National Press Club,

when old mate, Petey confronted him
on those leaked texts.

Describing you as a fraud and quote,
"A complete psycho."

Yeah, whatever.

But when you're with the PM,
just smile, Peter.

And on regretting their infamous
Hawaii trip during the bushfires,

Jenny Morrison offered up
this mea culpa.

I thought I was making
the right decision for my kids.

I, obviously...

I, obviously...

..was wrong.

Doesn't really matter
who's blamed for it,

considering in 2009,

when head of the Bushfire Authority,
Christine Nixon

went out to a restaurant
during Black Saturday,

Morrison had led the charge
criticising her.

This was a very serious issue.

And I think there are very serious
concerns in the community

about exercising judgement.

And it's incumbent on all of us,
in public life,

to make decisions following that

in the best interests of the ongoing
nature of the programme.

Television remembers.

Jenny also weighed in
on her husband's response

to the alleged rape
of Brittany Higgins

in Parliament House.

I think Scott totally gets things.

I think he is...

He's all about problem solving.

Yeah, I guess it's like a Sudoku.

And thoughts
on Grace Tame not smiling.

I still think
there's manners and respect.

But sure, a woman responding
on behalf of her husband

in light of criticism
from female victims of sexual abuse

felt extremely on the nose.

And sure,
it shouldn't be incumbent on Jenny

to have to explain or translate
her husband to Australian voters.

And, sure,
there was some concern of partiality,

given that the Nine CEO,
Peter Costello

was Howard's treasurer
in his liberal national government.

Sure, the whole thing

may have been troglodyte magazine
television puffery,

it may have reeked of humanising
a disgraced leader,

and was political confectionary
so laden with sugar.

But it was all worth it

to have Scott Morrison's softer side
showcased to a large audience.

Except that it wasn't

because it lost in the ratings
to 'Vera' on the ABC.

Mm, propaganda.

Not only can you find it
on '60 Minutes',

but it's also the best album
by Sparks.

We disagree with your right
to impose yourself on our lives...

As we entered March,

climate change fears continued as
Kochie got shouty with a protestor.

Oh, boy.

The Russian-Ukraine war spilled over

into a 'Q&A' audience member
being kicked out.

Good Lord.

But none of that matched
the high stakes of Natalie Barr

on the Oscar's red carpet

trying to get an interview
with the Williams sisters...

Serena...

Serena...

..for five excruciating minutes.

Venus.

Venus, hi, Australian TV.

Hello?

Venus, Australian TV, hello.

Venus.

I'm certainly no expert,

but I don't think
she was saying Venus enough.

(INA).

What's she doing?

Would you like a Tim Tam?

Mm, a sweet biscuit.

I think that's how Parky does it.

Big news, as 'Project' presenter,
Lisa Wilkinson

was snapped with a margarita,

dining alone,
and cutting a lonely figure.

Firstly, I'm surprised
there's no typos in the article,

given how hard it is
to transcribe crayon.

But what a scoop it was.

She ordered what appeared to be
mussels and broccoli.

At one stage,

she also checked her phone,

and as she exited,
put her wallet away,

instead of, I guess, catapulting it
into the sun like a normal person.

The article was highly criticised,
including by Lisa herself,

and yet this is nothing new
for the 'Daily Mail'.

In 2017,

Wilkinson got called out for wearing
the same floral blouse twice

a mere four months apart,

a mere four months apart,

instead of, I guess, catapulting it
into the sun like a normal person.

That same year,

her former 'Today' co-star,
Karl Stefanovic

called out the 'Daily Mail'
for their treatment of women.

This site specialises

in shaming women for how they look,
for what they wear.

It has a despicable track record

of denigrating women
for who they are.

While the articles certainly leave

a lot of room for improvement,

I'm mostly impressed that they're
coming up with original stories.

Considering in 2018,

'Media Watch' dedicated
a whole programme

to the 'Daily Mail's' daily practise

of lifting content
directly from other news sites.

Anyway, assuming retribution
for this segment,

here's three unflattering photos
of me to use in an article,

and a headline that can just be
lifted verbatim, of course.

Mind you, it'd be impossible
for anyone to read anyway,

given all the fucking ads.

SPEAKER: Australia has lost

one of its greatest cricketers
of all time.

Shane Warne died suddenly,

sending an absolute shock wave
through the country.

Out of all of his non-cricket
TV appearances,

of which I can definitely speak to,

of which I can definitely speak to,

I can't go past the short-lived
2010 chat show,' Warnie',

a probably ill-advised
but good-natured programme

where his charm alone
could hold an audience.

And while everyone else
was reminiscing

their favourite Shane Warne moments,

your mate, Pete Evans weighed in like
the absolute sultana that he is,

speaking over clearly shit bandwidth,

allegedly linking Warnie's death
to COVID vaccines.

(WINCES)

Look, it's already hard enough
to lose someone,

but Pete knows a thing or two
about loss.

Two television contracts,

ten business partnerships,

and a Senate campaign.

Wow, what a complete fucking loser.

Over to the drama department
and the ABC-aired, 'Troppo',

though I imagine the formal title
is Sir Tropical.

And it's one big
woe-is-me murder mystery

that really doubles down
on the notion

that Aussie drama
should only be bleak.

She killed someone and is sad.

He was framed as a pedo and is sad.

He hates them both and is sad.

She's sad, he's sad,
sad, sad, sad, sad.

Probably just all that humidity,
to be honest.

Things take a bit long to play out,

the final twist lands with
all the stealth of a jet engine,

the final twist lands with
all the stealth of a jet engine,

but hey, there's plenty of room
for redemption via suicidal ideation.

Oh.

Just me, but I'm sure
we can still be gritty

without main characters repeatedly
trying to kill themselves,

especially via crocodile.

Come on!

And by the looks of it,

even that generic-looking
search engine was a bit sad,

returning a whopping seven results.

Maybe they could have had a laugh
and tried Bing.

By April, science was unleashing
unimaginable horrors.

The ABC had tiny people
inside tiny buildings,

then actual-size people
next to tiny buildings.

Then over on Nine were giant people
next to normal-sized buildings,

but then normal-sized hands
picking up tiny cars,

but giant people
crushing normal-sized cars.

And what would God think
of the mutant abomination

that is Seven's 'Cash Cow Bunny'.

And we're panicking
about climate change.

Well, I can only assume

that Todd Sampson saw neo-Nazis on
'A Current Affair' last year

and said, "I'll have some of that,"

but with a Canadian accent,

and a T-shirt
that shrunk in the wash.

Things kicked off
when a photo surfaced online,

featuring Sampson standing alongside
neo-Nazi, Actual Name.

We're calling him Actual Name
and not his actual name, Actual Name.

Well, that's confusing.

Also in the background was another
one we'll call (COMEDIC HOOT),

skulking about like a crab...

I don't know,
they can't all be jokes.

When it was confirmed that a doco

involving far-right figures

was currently in production,

and one of these fellows had already
filmed an interview with Sampson,

activist, Tom Tanuki turned down an
invitation to appear in his project,

explaining to the producers

why active neo-Nazis
shouldn't be guests on television.

Further, the idea that neo-Nazis
need to be understood,

humanised, or platformed

is something that we're apparently
still doing in 2022.

is something that we're apparently
still doing in 2022.

But since we're talking about it,
what's been your fave TV Nazi moment?

My top four.

In 2021,

we spoke about 'A Current Affair'
letting (COMEDIC HOOT) on as a guest

after he assaulted
a Channel 9 security guard.

And, though Nine had complete
edit control over what he said,

(COMEDIC HOOT) simply recorded
his side of the interview

in its entirety,

posting that to Telegram

to no doubt be used
to recruit more people.

That's a Nazi,

In 2016,

Actual Name appeared
on an episode of 'Hack Live'

to talk freely and openly
about whatever shit he wanted.

Pedestrian noted that the show
proved nothing,

but gave him an audience
for his patently racist views.

That's a Nazi.

In 1964,

'Four Corners' ran a profile

on members of the Australian
National Socialist Party,

and the ABC copped criticism

for giving TV time and publicity
to such a group

to spout their anti-human ideas.

58 years ago.

We hadn't even got decimal currency,
for shit's sake.

That's a Nazi.

In 2018,

there was outcry over 'Sky News'
interviewing Actual Name,

but then they publicly admitted
it was wrong to have him on,

and removed it from the internet.

and removed it from the internet.

'Sky News' there going,
"He was a bit much, wasn't he?"

Nazi.

All that considered,

for Todd Sampson to think
that he's the one

to give neo-Nazis the correct amount
of consideration and nuance,

whatever the fuck that involves,

is, at best, naive.

A positive example,
which is an odd word to use here,

is Nick McKenzie's '60 Minutes' story
from 2021,

where the neo-Nazi movement
is infiltrated and exposed,

and it's presented wholly as a
legitimate social threat that it is.

So should Nazis be interviewed
on the telly?

To answer that, please welcome
The Last Year of Television,

Rube Goldberg Machine.

(COMEDIC MUSIC)

SPEAKER: Penis means no.
Penis means no.

'Underbelly Vanishing Act',

Nine's dramatic retelling
of con woman, Melissa Caddick,

and the subsequent discovery
of her partial remains

is bizarre in its conception.

Crudely green lit in the same week
of her foot being discovered

in 2021,

and, unsurprisingly, is even more
bizarre in its execution.

Beginning with the very tasteful
discovery of her foot

on a Sydney beach,

we go into the story by literally
going into her decomposing foot,

where, presumably,
the rest of the story is set.

Which raises
significant logistical issues

but, counterpoint, is disgusting.

Since it's an 'Underbelly',

there's plenty of room for bums,

plenty of room
for those first season titles.

2008 was two decades ago.

And plenty of room
for dynamic extras work.

I call this guy, Bumbling File Man.

(CHUCKLES)
Look at him.

I want to know what he's up to.

Like its immediate predecessor,
2020's 'Informer 3838',

'Vanishing Act' relies heavily
on using voiceover

'Vanishing Act' relies heavily
on using voiceover

to constantly explain the plot.

SPEAKER:
That, my friends, is a Ponzi scheme.

Ponzi scheme.

SPEAKER: So a Ponzi scheme
doesn't Ponzi itself.

Ponzi is a verb now.

SPEAKER:
I was being spied on by ASIC.

They're kind of like corporate cops.

Kind of like corporate cops.

Hm, I hope they define cops.

In case you were watching it
and forget what happens at the end,

you know, the foot stuff,

there's plenty of foreshadowing
about her demise.

You're thinking of having me killed?

If anything happened to me...

If something happens to me...

And if you can't remember
that dialogue,

there's plenty
of visual foreshadowing,

with so many shots of feet

that it feels like an elaborate
campaign for a wikiFeet entry.

And maybe don't Google that.

The second half dives almost entirely
into speculation

after she flees from ASIC,

which I'm told
are kind of like corporate cops.

And we're treated to a grab bag
of loose ideas

where she gets on a boat,

but actually hides out in a shack,

but actually hides out in a shack,

but actually gets threatened
by Colin Friels,

but actually he never existed,

but actually she jumped off a cliff,

but actually she's on a boat
with a prosthetic leg.

God, it's like an onion.

In that, I wouldn't watch one.

The show commits to wild speculation
so fully

that it even impacts the props.

How else can they watch television
in 2020 on an old 43

without a set top box?

Obviously, it's one of those
speculative TVs

where you can still watch
Channel 9

despite the knob
being clearly set to ten.

Lol, got them.

'Vanishing Act' seems to go to odd
lengths to humanise Caddick though.

By giving her a backstory

where she was swindled by a con man
in her early 20s,

despite there being no evidence
of that happening in real life.

Plus, it suggests an origin story
as superficial

as merely looking at a picture
of Bernie Madoff

as a motivator
for her future activities.

It's a bit on the nose.

Quite literally in this instance.

Really hammering home
the parallel there.

The writers sidestep the option
of telling any meaningful story

on the human impact
of her victim's,

or even a more forensic explanation
of how ASIC came to be involved,

or even a more forensic explanation
of how ASIC came to be involved,

which I'm told
are kind of like corporate cops.

Instead, the show chooses to focus

on what little information they have
on Caddick,

inventing as they go along,

and making her out to be little more
than a smiley kleptomaniac caricature

who's obsessed with dresses.

You do not touch my clothes!

Also, not sure if you saw
in that shot

because it was out of focus,

but Bumbling File Man
continues to yuck about.

(CHUCKLES)
It's not his day.

Spin-off.

Easily the worst scene of it all
is the climax,

where she's shown
chain sawing off her foot.

Not on her own of course,
with a friend.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Mm.

I feel like their logic here
is that if it's purely speculative,

then it can't also be tasteless.

I assume.

Yet there's a glimmer
of self-awareness

in this short scene.

Imagine how her parents are feeling.

And she's got a son, yeah?

Yes.
Yeah, she does.

Yes.
Yeah, she does.

Who were real people

because this only happened
18 months ago.

True crime as entertainment
always treads a fine line,

but to dramatise something
still so raw,

and a case that was nowhere near
closed at the time of production,

the creative justification
for this story diminishes

the further along we go.

'Stuff', New Zealand wrote...

So with a pretend backstory,

a pretend ending,
and pretend characters,

that fictitious disclaimer
is really taking the piss by the way,

the show gives minimal insight
into Caddick,

the events, the process,

and leaves you to wonder

why it was so hastily green lit,
in the first place.

The only certainty here

is pretty much the foot
being discovered on the beach.

And Holy Christ,
do they rely on that,

shot after shot, after shot.

The character of Melissa Caddick even
starts goading you into watching it.

MELISSA: You see it?
Yes, I see it.

There.
Stop showing it.

That's how my foot got there.

(GAGS)

(GAGS)

Anyway, since all
the 'Underbelly' series

are in the same shared universe,

I think the biggest revelation
to come out of 'Vanishing Act'

is that it's now established

as all taking place
inside a decomposing foot.

And that certainly explains
the quality of recent entries.

Some politicians got together

on free-to-air

and tried some shouting.

They have no authority whatsoever.

This is a very important point.

Then they went over

to another network

and tried some more shouting.

I'll tell you what,
small business...

I'm talking about workers.

Complicated.
Employees.

You've refused to back in.
I'm talking...

Maybe if they had another go at it,

they could have tried
shutting the fuck up for a bit.

After all that sympathetic coverage
on Seven

with last year's balls to the wall
Spotlight special,

Craig McLachlan backed down
from his own defamation case

against the ABC and Nine,

the same day when 11 women were due
to give evidence against him.

Yeah, Craig must have really had them
on the ropes there, hey.

Although he now faces millions
in costs from dropping the case,

he'll now have time
to drop that album

we know he is been beavering away at
since 2021.

# Well he gathered his strength
and focused his sights

# Ready for the fight of his life. #

Yeah, I hope Mona's on that one.

What am I talking about?
No, I don't.

Revered journalist, Caroline Jones
died.

Known for a whopping five-decade long
career in radio and TV,

being a generous mentor,
and winning multiple awards,

but apparently, she was known to some

as "Girl who took over Four Corners."

And by some,
I mean men from the '70s.

Have a very happy Christmas.

Goodnight.

Speaking of men from the '70s,

'Barons' is a surfy drama series,

or eight-hour pastel-coloured
soft drink commercial

about a guy who invents shorts.

Since it's set in the '70s,

there's long-haired hippies,
people bemoaning the hippies...

Bloody hippies.

..sexual experimentation

leading to homophobic fallout
and good old gay turmoil.

Just the whole town now knows
that I'm a lezzo.

Yeah, but no gay men though
because it's about surfing.

There's also plenty of drugs
to choose from.

There's also plenty of drugs
to choose from.

Marijuana, heroin, mushrooms.

I'm full, but you go ahead.

There's Vietnam conscription,

footage of resistance to Vietnam,

this specific green,
lava lamp,

everyone dressed like they're going
to a '70s costume party,

but in 1998,

unusually high stakes
for a show about shorts...

(GUNSHOT)

..and characters going out
of their way to mention '70s things.

Peter Chan,

you think you're too good to pick up
that Polly Waffle wrapper?

Sure, it's next to his original
Shrinky Dinks and radio from Brashs.

Continuing the theme
of insufferable things on a beach,

'Byron Baes' was out on Netflix.

A morbidly fascinating
slice-of-life docu-soap,

following a bunch of young, hot
influencers in Byron Bay.

I'm saying bay with an E, obviously.

It got a bit of a rough treatment
during production.

The locals were unhappy
when it was green lit,

refusing to grant filming permission

amid fears the show would further

exacerbate a housing crisis.

Then the cast were unhappy

because Netflix had initially
referred to the Instagram stars

as celebrity-adjacent-adjacent.

Whoopsie-daisy.

And once released,
critics and audiences were unhappy.

And once released,
critics and audiences were unhappy.

And, I'm kind of confused
at how badly it was received

when 'Byron Baes'
absolutely nails its own brief.

It's trashy, but addictive slow TV

with entire story arcs
based around the tiniest of things.

But someone's going around
and talking shit about you,

and calling you a fuckboy.

Sarah thinks that I'm a fuckboy.

Someone called me a fuckboy.

She asked me
if he's a bit of a fuckboy.

Calling me a fuckboy
and all of that.

He feels hurt, apparently,
by the fuckboy comment.

Yeah, it's low stakes,
but it's watchable.

I'd do anything for a fuckboy plot
in series two of 'Troppo'.

Though cast member, Jade
went on 'Studio 10'

ahead of the show's release
to affirm that everything is real...

The show is 100% more real

than all the filler and Botox
I have in my face, so...

..it has to be at least partially
staged given the camera work

and the statistical anomaly
of a dramatic altercation

at every single event.

I mean, what is this,
a family barbecue?

Anyway, real or not,

it's a fun, easy watch,
complete with some killer dialogue...

I'm not two-faced.

You are.

You are.

..and concerns
for environmental causes.

There is so much power
in being the bigger person,

and putting your own issues aside
for the greater good,

which is to save the oceans.

Yeah, put aside Sarah's fakeness
and whoever's the fuckboy

for just one second,

and you could have stopped
coral bleaching by now.

Heading into June,

Russia put out a list
of 121 prominent Australians

banned from entering the country,

including Liz Hayes,
Stan Grant, and Andrew Bolt.

Probably the only time

those three are ever going to appear
together on something.

After Channel 9
jumped at the chance

and announced a Shane Warne telemovie
a few weeks after he died,

it was met with a bit of derision
for happening too soon.

Sure, Nine had waited 16 days
before making the announcement,

which is about 16 times longer than
they waited to do Melissa Caddick.

So it's all perspective, isn't it?

But by June,

Shane Warne's manager was outright
objecting to the project as well.

I don't think he's opposed
to immortalising the sports star,

he's probably just seen
a Channel 9 telemovie.

And in a spot of good news,

Seven's 'RFDS' wasn't axed
after all,

being renewed for a second season.

A win is a win.

(HOOT)

I think we were unprepared
to celebrate something.

Back over on 'Celebrity Apprentice',

where the episode to two hours each,
by the way...

Got to make the quota somehow.

..the cool voiceover
was being super whack

and appealing
to the fellow kids.

SHOW NARRATOR:
Benji, the lion-hearted man

is getting all the feels.

The Rom-dog is totally vibing.

It's kind of awks around here.

Mmm, slay.

There was also a segment

where contestants pitched
television ideas

to powerful industry people,
and Matt Okine,

to see if any could get
commissioned for Stan,

thus explaining the platform's
programming quality.

(GASPS AND WHISPERS) You bitch.

Also, cool dude Lord Sugs made a few
interesting observations of the cast.

Because I don't really know
who you are,

I don't give a damn
about who you are.

As did the amazeballs VO guy.

Famous people.

Famous?

Bless you, child.

That's not what Twitter says though.

Mm, slay.

Mm, slay.

Both suggesting that these shows
are acutely aware

that the definition
of a modern celebrity

is quite loose these days.

More markets to cater to,
and more ways to become famous.

Gone is the era

when a celebrity special
could have Meatloaf, or Rolf Harris,

but just for completely different
reasons, obviously.

Good evening, everybody.

We are here to present the Logie

for most outstanding news coverage

or public affairs report.

Historically titled
'Their Trauma, Your Logie'.

Lisa Wilkinson nabbed the gong

for her 2021
Brittany Higgins interview,

and what can possibly go wrong
with a 2.5-minute Logie speech?

The 2.5-minute Logie speech
that stopped a criminal trial.

Ah.

Lisa Wilkinson was warned last week

about the potential impact

of her comments
on criminal proceedings.

Ah.

Her speech has obliterated

the distinction
between allegations and facts.

Yeah, but apart from all that,
it was alright.

The speech had somewhat misplaced

the presumption of innocence

of the man accused
of allegedly raping Higgins,

with Wilkinson basing her speech
around Higgins having told the truth.

with Wilkinson basing her speech
around Higgins having told the truth.

And, when the case was due to start
only two days after the Logies,

quickly became a bit of a legal mess.

This was also despite
Lisa herself warning others

to not prejudice the case
back in 2021,

and despite Channel 10 lawyers
who had...

Reportedly approved
her speech before delivery.

..but I guess had just overlooked
small parts of it,

like all the words.

Hard to not chalk this one up

as a presenter being blinded
by the glamour of an accolade.

So, we hope it helps
that we award this moment

The TV Fuck Up of the year.

The ABC celebrated
their 90th anniversary,

but I should be clear

it's not 90 years of them
broadcasting television,

that's in 2046.

They'll be able to have
another 90th then.

Or in 2032, can have a 100th,
or a broadcasting 76th.

Or a tenth anniversary of their 90th.

The main special
was a big celebration of things

like the magical chaos
of live television,

but with a bunch
of pre-recorded segments.

Obviously, it was never going
to showcase the sheer output

of our national broadcaster
with rare and obscure clips,

of our national broadcaster
with rare and obscure clips,

partly given they recently sacked
a bunch of their archive staff.

But regardless, the special
probably didn't have time

to mention things like

how 'Scales of Justice' and 'Phoenix'
were hypnotic gripping dramas,

how 1985's 'The National' gave
large-scale news a red hot go,

how the 'Countdown Revolution'
protest was pure fun chaos,

how the interview that got
Media Watch cancelled in 2000

was claustrophobic,

or how Corridor from 'Plasmo' was
what I thought a vagina looked like.

But we'll always have room
for that fucking clip

of the dude falling off
the tower in Bellbird.

(SCREAMS)

I guess you don't need
an archivist for that one.

With a selection
of classic clips available,

mixed in with the modern version
of ABC programming,

it inadvertently showcased

that it hadn't really taken
a risk for a while.

And who can blame her?
She is 90.

I did enjoy that bit
where Dr Karl just went on

about rocks and ice

and Craig Reucassel
had to cut him off.

And they're actually trapped bits
of the atmosphere...

From back then?
From the time when that snow fell.

Yeah.
CRAIG: Thank you.

Wow. And so if this lump of ice...
And thank you so much Dr Karl and...

Thank you Dr Karl
and Dr Lineker.

Look, sometimes it's hard for TV
to cut at the perfect t...

Julie came back to 'MasterChef'
and lost,

Reggie came back
to 'Big Brother' and won,

and 'This is Your Life' came back

but couldn't pick a fucking font.

Well, according to Ten's
new game show, 'Hunted',

digital surveillance
and lack of privacy

can be an absolute hoot
for the whole family.

Viewers and critics alike
were oddly questioning

how real the whole thing was,

despite this disclaimer saying that
a lot of it was simulated anyway.

I guess audiences expected
Channel 10

to be granted access
to every camera in Australia.

But they're not even properly using
the ones they have.

This guy just kind of forgot
he was being filmed by one,

and just wandered off.

(BLEEP).

(GRUNTS) Sorry.

(BLEEP).
(CLEARS THROAT) Sorry.

Anyway, with a high-tech HQ,
choppers,

and a seemingly infinite
stream of resources,

and a seemingly infinite
stream of resources,

imagine if we did that show
but for TV sex pests.

You can still call it 'Hunted'.

Meanwhile, the realness
of Channel 9's

'Beauty and the Geek'

was also being questioned
for possibly having fake geeks.

Why are we suddenly shocked
that TV's pretend?

Right, Mr Peppy?

You got it, Mr McTaggart.

Shabong.

Well, it's official.

After 37 years
and nearly 9,000 episodes,

'Neighbours' is coming to an end.

Mm, apparently.

Back in March,
the axe fell on 'Neighbours',

the production company confirming
that UK's Channel 5

were dropping it from their line-up,

somewhat of a Paul Robinson-style
betrayal.

But by June, discussion turned
to the 100-odd crew

saying that Fremantle
had refused to pay them redundancy

despite many having been there
for 30-odd years.

And 30 years is an awful lot
of car accidents, Toadfish,

and non-canon zombies to deal
with without proper compensation.

Fremantle responded saying
that the crew weren't employees

but contractors,

so aren't entitled
to the usual employee standards

so aren't entitled
to the usual employee standards

even though their contracts
have been rolled over annually

for years on end.

So, another
Paul Robinson-style betrayal.

The optics of it all weren't great.

The news came as the show

was reportedly sinking money

into getting cast back
for the finale

and around the same time,

Fremantle had reported a 25% increase
in revenue to nearly $3 billion.

Yeah, they also stated
that what they were doing was legal.

Why would you need to clarify that

unless you are doing
a Paul Robinson-style betrayal?

Metaphorically bulldozing
the legacy of Ramsey Street

is like when Paul Robinson
literally did it as a storyline,

an actual
Paul Robinson-style betrayal.

Anyway, love or hate 'Neighbours',
it was a decent send-off.

Most valuable player
was not only Guy Pearce

who returned for a lead role
in the finale, but Annie Jones.

And even better,
they had actual dialogue to say,

unlike Scott and Charlene,
closeted Chaplin fans I assume.

Also, the fact
that when they arrived,

they were listening to the song
'Especially For You',

recorded by Jason Donovan
and Kylie Minogue,

suggesting that they both also exist
within the 'Neighbours' universe.

Therefore would've become famous
on a show called 'Neighbours',

Therefore would've become famous
on a show called 'Neighbours',

within 'Neighbours'.

Well, I'm horny now.

Someone who wasn't in it
was Craig McLachlan,

who posted his own homage
to his character Henry Ramsey,

but with a live cross from Craig.

Let me just see if they're there.

Hi, Craig.

Hey, listen,
thanks for letting me be part

of your special
'Neighbours' celebration.

I really appreciate it.

Mm, ignoring the fact that
that's not how a live cross works,

the main ramification here

is that Henry Ramsey now exists
outside the 'Neighbours' universe.

So, it's like a reverse Kylie
and Jason scenario here.

In that it was shit.

While lots of people tuned in
to watch the finale,

one person definitely didn't.

'Sydney Morning Herald' columnist
Andrew Hornery,

who apparently had no regrets

never actually having watched
an episode.

Despite being a TV critic

and despite having written about it.

Yeah, great job, Andrew.

Time is precious.

Your calendar understandably
filled up

with trying to out celebrities
like Rebel Wilson,

then sulking about it
when she beat you to it,

then having your editor
double down on it,

then expressing regret about it,

then expressing regret about it,

then having your editor apologise
about doubling down on it.

I mean as long as you've got time
to drink some water or something.

Up to August already,

where 'Australia's Favourite Tree'
was apparently a River Red Gum.

SHOW'S NARRATOR: The River Red Gum.

Don't know what the fuck
you were doing this whole time,

you piece of shit.

And then there was drugs
with Richard Roxburgh.

I mean I voted for meth,

but ABC reception told me
that's not what the show was,

and to stop calling.

And an episode
of Bluey got banned in the US,

because it had a fart in it.

Think I'm about to ruin
our syndication chances.

(FARTS)

If you've ever wondered

what social media culture
has done to Gen Z,

look no further than reality
dating nightmare

'Heartbreak Island Australia',

a crass display of vapid hotness
and dead-inside expressions.

I'm excited for a glass of red
and a hot boy in my bed.

I get what I want, when I want,
where I want, with who I want.

All the girls are kind of going
one-by-one,

and I'm looking down
the line thinking, "No, no, no."

and I'm looking down
the line thinking, "No, no, no."

I'm literally always horny,
which is an issue.

And I can't describe it,

but it's like they've only got
one demerit point left

between the lot of them.

The plot of the show is both
unimportant and unintelligible.

Basically, they try to fuck
or not fuck,

and they can bedhop
to get to someone they want to fuck,

and sometimes strap a taco
to their waist to win a watch.

I said it was unintelligible.

As each character is introduced,

we're treated
to their dating profiles

where any attempts to humanise them
are lost

when the focus
is vacuous body shots.

But like that matters,

because you know deep down

they're all people who'd make you
feel uncomfortable on a train.

I'm a six-foot-tall
blonde bombshell.

I'm lovable, I'm relatable,
and your mum's going to love me.

She definitely wouldn't,
but thank you, ma'am.

If I could change one thing
in the world,

I'd probably add two inches
to myself,

and I'm not talking
about my height.

I think it's bum hole circumference.

I think there are two
massive reasons

why the boys are going to like me.

Books and architecture?
(CHUCKLES) I don't...

Another deeply unsettling thing

is that some of these little
hump gremlins are as young as 19.

is that some of these little
hump gremlins are as young as 19.

What are they going to think
of all this in ten years?

Or ten seconds?

Or is there just so much
of this kind of content now

that'll be as forgotten
as Pete Evans' run at the Senate?

On a night out,
I love a skinny bitch.

Vodka lime and soda, that is.

Mm, would've picked him
for more of an Irish Cunt.

The drink that is.

I love the city vibe.

Coffees, brunching,
avocado on toast.

That is just me.
(CHUCKLES)

(FAKE CHUCKLES)
I'm sorry.

I miss the era where
the only outlet for a narcissist

was petty shoplifting,

or fooling their hometown
into thinking they had cancer.

Season one was released

as a 7 Plus exclusive

with the tagline...

Was it too hot for TV

or was it too New Zealand
for an Australian programme?

Because it's actually
the third season

of a differently titled show
that airs across the Tasman,

Or perhaps instead it was just
too dead inside for TV.

And fuck me,
is that saying something.

'Mystery Road Origin',
the best drama of 2022

is a terrific character-driven piece
that's all about the little moments.

It's a welcome return
to the tone of the original movies

It's a welcome return
to the tone of the original movies

gently unfolding,

and the plot isn't forced upon you
like a gun to the head,

except literally when it is here
and here and a couple of other times.

There's not a weak link in the cast.

Mark Coles Smith
breezes into the role,

and Caroline Brazier
is fascinating to watch

as a sort of entitled
ambiguous Karen.

There's also a sadness
underpinning the whole thing

since the audience knows
what's ahead for the characters.

As an Australian film
that got a sequel film,

then two series,
then a prequel series,

the character of Jay Swan
has now surpassed Ted Bullpit

in terms of number of spinoffs,

and I really don't know what to do
with that information.

In August,
we lost quite a few people.

Judith Durham, Olivia Newton-John,
Archie Roach,

then director Shirley Barrett,

notable to me for directing
some of the excellent 'Love My Way',

and actor Marshall Napier,

notable to me as General Grimes
in 'Farscape'.

I mean, obviously,
it's going to be 'Farscape'.

The night Olivia died,

Channels 7 and Nine clamoured
to do tribute programming,

Nine opting for 'Grease',

and Seven grabbing
the not-so-acclaimed biopic

and Seven grabbing
the not-so-acclaimed biopic

featuring Delta Goodrem.

Because even in death
there's a ratings night to be won.

I mean that quite genuinely.
They'll outlive us all.

Wayne Carey was found with a bag
of white powder inside Crown Casino.

He's been hit
with a two-year ban

and stood down from his high-profile
commentary roles

at Channel 7
and Triple M.

Yeah, but in Carey's defence,

I'm sure even
he would've been shocked

that that was the final straw.

Again, pause this screen.

Plus it's a bit rich of Seven
to de-platform someone

just for white powder possession,

when only two days earlier
on Spotlight,

platformed someone
just for white powder possession.

Cocaine Cassie,
how do you feel about that?

So, I guess white powder
is bad at Crown,

but fine
when it's for your own graphics.

Cool, got it.

'After The Verdict',
a crime comedy-drama,

not to be confused with 2015s
'The Verdict',

that Mark Latham panel show,

though 'After The Verdict'
is after 'The Verdict',

chronologically speaking.

It came after it.

'The Verdict'.
It doesn't matter.

But 'After The Verdict'
is also not to be confused

But 'After The Verdict'
is also not to be confused

with 'The Twelve',

a different drama on Foxtel,

which is about a woman who may
or may not have done a murder.

Whereas 'After The Verdict'

is about a woman who may
or may not have done a murder.

You know what?
I hear it now.

Tonally though,
they're both very different.

While 'After The Verdict'
is a thriller caper

that's pulled in
a few too many directions,

'The Twelve' is more lavish
and grounded,

though a lot heavier going.

It looks fantastic,

the courtroom storyline
is captivating,

Brooke Satchwell
and Brendan Cowell in particular,

give great performances.

Plus, piece-of-shit husband character

easily wins the title of this year's
Most Punchable Face in Fiction.

# It's a punchable face. #
(PUNCH SOUND)

Onto 'Savage River',

a drama about a convicted murderer

in a sleepy town
where a new murder happens.

Not to be confused
with 'Troppo',

a drama about
a convicted murderer

in a sleepy town
where a new murder happens.

(SCREAMS MUMBLES)

Both shows also weirdly involve
the current murder,

inadvertently exonerating them

for the murder
they were incarcerated for,

completely undoing

the most interesting aspects
of their characters.

Yeah, but it let
the makeup departments

do that smokey eye,

which I guess is shorthand for,
"I thought I killed someone."

which I guess is shorthand for,
"I thought I killed someone."

'Savage River' also shares
some key similarities

with 2014's 'Secrets and Lies'.

Both feature the main character
discovering the body,

both have an overzealous cop
wrongly pursuing them,

both strenuously deny it,

which only makes the cops
more suspicious,

then both get framed
with a planted murder weapon,

get paranoid
about who's framing them,

and then both foolishly attempt
to hide it.

(SCREAMS) I mean, my god.

Safe to say that 2022 has been

the year for the murder drama.

So we're happy to reveal

that next year is going to be
all about...

Eh, I've heard worse.

Oh wow, look at that.

Ah, Todd Sampson.

Hi, Todd.

I don't want this.

Internet equals bad, in series two
of Todd Sampson's 'Mirror Mirror',

which goes pretty hard on showcasing
the horrors of the online world.

For example, what could
possibly happen

For example, what could
possibly happen

when you enter an anonymous chat room
notorious for sexual content,

bait it with a childlike actress,
and pretend to be her typing?

I hope nothing goes wrong.

SHOW'S NARRATOR: Within seconds,
the questionable behaviour begins.

MAN: Oh, my god,
what's he doing with his tongue?

Show feet.

What?

That's weird.

Let's go again.

Yeah, don't worry,
this won't escalate.

Oh, my god.

That is disgusting.

We can't show you
what's on screen.

It's so gross.

Oh, no.
Such unexpected results.

Oh, Jesus.

OK, that's scarring.

Let's go again.

Stop going on it.

While the show definitely
touches on some genuine issues,

it goes mostly for shock and alarm,

only countering it
with somewhat superficial solutions

and incorrect use of hashtags.

An article from 'The Conversation'
took issue

with 'Mirror Mirror's' claim that
the majority of children's friends

are strangers on the internet

are strangers on the internet

despite research
concluding otherwise.

The show also hastily finds
correlations

between digital device use
and ADHD diagnoses,

but doesn't explain that correlation
doesn't equal causation.

Furthermore, the neo-Nazi interview

that Sampson conducted
back in April,

was nowhere to be seen in the series

after copping substantial
criticism online.

So, it is pretty funny

that his own show
about the internet being bad,

is an example
of the internet being good.

Anyway, superficial,
sensationalist, alarmist,

even without a Nazi,

it still managed
to be hashtag bullshit.

Well, executives took a look
at current dating shows and thought,

"Let's set it on a boat now."

And thus, 'The Real Love Boat'
materialised,

but just a pity
the ratings didn't.

Maybe the whole thing
felt a bit tired

because its namesake,

'The Love Boat' series
last went to air in 1986.

Surely it's not that hard to come up
with new names for boat dating shows,

'Nautical Nymphs', 'Motorboating',
or 'Dysentery Diarrhoea and Dicks'.

'Nautical Nymphs', 'Motorboating',
or 'Dysentery Diarrhoea and Dicks'.

Dick has two meanings there,
so it's clever.

To coincide with the 20th anniversary
of the Bali bombings,

Stan released
the docu-drama 'Bali 2002'.

And when the opening titles
are set to explosions and screams...

(MAN SCREAMING)

You know you're in for a really
nuanced piece of television.

(SIGHS EXHAUSTEDLY)

The story starts with a couple
getting married in London,

and the scene is an excessively
saccharine attempt

at contrasting the impending horror,

which feels so exaggerated
that it's unrealistic,

especially with lines of dialogue
like this...

We love Bali.

Bali is where we met.

Bali is magical, isn't it, babe?

Bali is truly
the island of the gods.

I mean, are they marrying
each other, or Bali?

The story hastily establishes
some other characters,

and by the 22-minute mark,
we're already at the Sari Club.

In drawn-out slow motion

that's more at home
in a stylised thriller

than a sensitive retelling,
the bombs explode,

than a sensitive retelling,
the bombs explode,

and people are shown
being engulfed in flames

and thrown around.

It's one thing to show
the explosions up close,

but it's another thing
to repeat them in every episode.

The creators opting
to replay the explosion

through different
characters perspectives

and showcase the carnage
multiple times.

Which adds nothing to the plot,
makes it feel structureless,

and looks more like a cynical attempt

at amortising the cost
of the explosion.

Maybe that's why all the fonts
are explosion coloured.

Mm, subtle.

Things get a bit more focused

once Graham Ashton / Richard Roxburgh
comes in,

but even then the investigation
scenes feel foggy

on procedural detail
and glossed over.

And that's the recurring issue here.

Detail.

This character is working
at ground zero.

She notes how long it's going to take
her to do forensic identifications,

but then she's also at HQ
listening to meetings

and triangulating mobile phones.

What's her role exactly?

Then, faceless bureaucrat

is just perpetually walking
everywhere

to give him a vague authority.

And this is meant to be

one of the best forensic crews
in the country.

Wait for it.

Embargoed information.

Nothing to leave this room.

Ah, yeah,

not jeopardising the investigation
makes sense, does it?

God, you could poke that character
and she'd fall over.

Frustratingly,
the series has little to say

about the nature of Australia
and Bali tourism,

the cultural differences

or even the impact of 9/11
the year before.

Instead, it's all very convenient.

In the end,
the terrorist is blackmailed

because he happens
to watch western porn,

which might have happened,

but it's not exactly
thought-provoking.

So, where does it stack up
with other dramatisations?

Take the 1998 mini-series
'The Day of the Roses'

about the 1977
Granville Rail Disaster,

which killed 83 people.

First up, the structure is smarter.

Instead of hovering
around the disaster,

it's set five months after it,

focusing on the coroner's inquest,

and only goes into the event
via flashbacks.

It also allows the characters

to convincingly feed exposition
to the audience

in the form of testimonies.

in the form of testimonies.

The level of detail and context
conveyed here is astonishing.

It's impeccably researched

and you know that they know
what they're talking about.

So, by the time,
the accident is shown,

once, by the way,
and at the 70-minute mark,

it comes with a huge amount
of understanding

and emotional weight.

Where 'Day of the Roses' teaches you
about what happened,

'Bali' only takes
what you already know

and reflects it back at you.

Whether or not the graphic content
was limited

due to broadcast television
in the '90s,

there's a horror
in what isn't being shown,

and the production clearly
had to rely on everything else

for it to resonate with the audience.

The result is that almost every
emotional beat lands,

compared with 'Bali'

which leaves very little
to the imagination.

A simple example
of this attention to detail

is when the character of Margaret

has to be dragged out of the wreckage
by her chest.

Oh, oh, there's glass.
There's glass.

Sorry.
It's OK.

One more time now.
It's OK.

Yeah?
Go.

The chest and glass details
are specific,

clearly, the result of research

and translates into heartbreaking
character moments

and translates into heartbreaking
character moments

between the two of them.

The aftermath scene of 'Bali'
consists of standard chaos shots

with shaky camera
and out-of-focus flames,

and it lacks those little details

that help believably anchor it
in the moment.

Then other shots like this
just take you out of it completely,

a victim killed in the blast,

but sitting within a car
that is absolutely intact.

Come on.

Anyway, when 'Bali 2002' was released

to coincide with the bombing's
20th anniversary,

'Media Watch' pointed out

that 9 gave the series
a shit-tonne of cross-promotion

via '60 Minutes', 'Today',
the football

and wraparounds

on Nine owned mastheads,

which printed the incorrect date

by the way.

Perfectly encapsulating

the issue of detail.

And I get it,
it's a commercial organisation,

they're going to promote it hard,

because any series
has to be profitable.

But for fuck's sake,

it's the anniversary
of a terrorist attack.

It's not a 100 years of Cadbury.

Just chill.

In November,
everything old was new again.

George Calombaris
was back on our TV screens,

this time in a show
called 'Hungry',

which was also the main grievance
of his staff

whilst he was underpaying them.

7 was all over milestones.

'Kath and Kim' came back
for a 20th anniversary,

Paul Hogan came back
for a something-th?,

and Seven was also getting
plenty of mileage

out of 'Hey Hey's' 100th
after a 50th the year before,

which is not how time works,

but Daryl himself
explained it thusly.

So, why do the 100th now?

Well, because in 2071,

the real anniversary date
of this show, 100 years,

I somehow don't think
I'll be standing here.

OK, Daryl.

So, since anniversaries
mean nothing now,

the ABC should have straight up
done their 100th this year.

Fuck it, a 150th,

in turn paving the way
for the hotly anticipated

375 years of 'Bite Club',

the 800th anniversary
of Thorpe's 'Undercover Angels',

and 'Q&A's' 4 millionth.

That one doesn't even feel
like an exaggeration.

Dating-wise, since we'd already done
terrible people on island,

terrible people in Spain,
nicer people on farm,

terrible people in Spain,
nicer people on farm,

then terrible people indoors,

which was also
the working title for 'Sunrise',

the only real combination left
to explore was older people, retreat.

And so birthed
'My Mum Your Dad',

where kids try to encourage
their parents to have sex

with other kids parents.

Which I cannot stress enough
is not a present interest of mine.

Anyway, 'My Mum Your Dad' sounds
less like a dating show

and more like a weird threat
for a Thunderdome deathmatch,

which I would obviously watch.

Well, we went four months
without 'Neighbours'

and we couldn't hack it,
apparently.

Despite the graceful conclusion
of the finale,

Amazon Freevee
tossed the defunct soap a lifeline

and underfuncted it,

with Ten holding
onto broadcast rights.

Some cast were unaware of it,
which was weird,

and many others were remarking
how quickly it had happened.

Some things didn't quite stack up.

So, how's about a hot take from me?
Start the clock.

Hypothetically,
let's say 'Neighbours'

had secured a deal with Amazon,
not in November,

but earlier in the year

when the show was still
in production.

Maybe the reason
no other broadcasters

threw the show are lifeline,

was because Amazon
was already on board,

was because Amazon
was already on board,

because we know that 'Neighbours'
had been looking

for a new broadcast partner
since at least mid-2021.

So, it's not like
they'd be doing nothing.

They're not ACMA.

And so in this hypothetical,

what would be the benefit
of announcing a deal with Amazon

after the show had ended?

Well, considering 2021,

the same creative team
made 'Lie with Me',

produced for the cost
of only two weeks of 'Neighbours'.

Perhaps that was something
of a dry run,

utilising a smaller,
cheaper production crew,

to prove that 'Neighbours' could
be made more efficiently.

But to roll out that model

would involve dumping all the cast
and crew and starting again.

Therefore,
letting the show finish in July

would disperse
the original employees,

sorry, contractors,

and raise fewer eyebrows

if they were to now hire
a completely different cast or crew.

In turn, this would therefore mean

that at least some key people at 10
were aware

that Neighbours
was not really ending.

Perhaps explaining why 10 had opted
not to produce a 'Neighbours' special

or why the Logies didn't give
its 37-year run much of a mention.

And finally, 'Neighbours' doing
a big finale episode

under the guise
of it being the last ever

would be the only circumstance
where big stars would ever return,

thus maximising publicity

and generating huge ratings,

none of which would've happened

if it had just seamlessly
transitioned straight to Amazon.

(ALARM BELL GOING OFF)

All just a theory, of course.

Obviously, I reckon
they've also done something

with tectonic plates and volcanoes,

but I'm not sure
how that fits in yet.

Finally arriving at December,

Seven had an extravagant
Christmas party,

Nine also had an extravagant
Christmas party,

meanwhile, Ten finished fourth
in the ratings,

had an exodus of Project presenters,

and had their Christmas party
cancelled.

Is that swings and roundabouts?

I'm not sure.

As we wrap up the year,

I wonder if anything's
actually improved.

Well, my allergies
have certainly gotten worse.

And sure,
it might as well be 1964 again

when Nazis were on air,

there was also minimal legislation
for children's content,

and 'Fam Time' wasn't anywhere near
being broadcast either.

But 2022 was the year

where 'Mystery Road Origin' became
the most-watched drama ever on iView.

where 'Mystery Road Origin' became
the most-watched drama ever on iView.

We can celebrate the huge success
of 'Heartbreak High',

despite Netflix still not committing
to local content quotas, eugh bored.

And on the flip side,

Channel 7's contribution
to new drama

was producing none of it at all.

Obviously, they were too preoccupied

getting to 92% whiteness
on their network.

Fingers crossed
for a 100% next year.

'Mad As Hell' called time
after an incredible 15 seasons,

Tracy Grimshaw signed off 'ACA'
after 17 years,

and 'The Real Love Boat'
looks to bow out after barely one.

And look, we could go on
about abysmal drama output,

generally terrible diversity,
and uninspired content,

but I think the two biggest issues
facing Australian television

are refusing to embrace
a musical finale

and lack of fart jokes.

(FART SOUND)

# My real friends are TV stars

# They're my best friends
'cause I say they are

# Just see how good
are my TV friends

# My best friends
best friends best friends

# TV friends help me unwind

# They're very best of all humankind

# They're very best of all humankind

# They don't tell me
what to think or say

# No ulterior motives in any way

# My TV friends
will tell it true

# And don't bite off
more than they can chew

# TV friends
are all smart and bright

# 'Cause if they're on TV
then they must be right

# My real friends are TV stars

# They're my best friends
'cause I say they are

# Just see how good
are my TV friends

# My best friends
best friends best friends

# TV content
that's good and pure

# And never as a ratings lure

# Social issues and talking trends

# 'Cause they're interested
in solving them

# A TV friend knows
what you're worth

# 'Cause they're always selfless
and put you first

# A TV news friend cares for me

# they're the only news source
that I need... #

Death.

Family cat.

# My real friends are TV stars

# They're my best friends
'cause I say they are

# Just see how good
are my TV friends

# My best friends
best friends best friends

# Everyone friends TV stars

# They think of you
in their fancy cars

# Just see how good
are our TV friends

# Our best friends best friends
best friends best friends. #

Captioned by Ai-Media
ai-media.tv

Oh, wait, the Queen died.

How did we miss that?