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1
00:00:04,866 --> 00:00:06,006
- What do you think?
2
00:00:06,144 --> 00:00:09,043
Easter Bunny Stew."
3
00:00:10,562 --> 00:00:13,116
Really? Rabbit
stew for Easter?
4
00:00:13,254 --> 00:00:16,499
You got any cute elves you
can stir fry for Christmas?
5
00:00:16,637 --> 00:00:18,604
- Man, I never thought of that.
6
00:00:20,261 --> 00:00:21,987
- Hey, you got anything
sweet for the road?
7
00:00:22,125 --> 00:00:23,413
You guys still have
those maple donuts?
8
00:00:23,437 --> 00:00:25,646
- Uh, hold on.
- Aw.
9
00:00:26,819 --> 00:00:28,752
- Happy anniversary, you guys.
10
00:00:28,890 --> 00:00:30,547
- You didn't need to do that.
11
00:00:30,685 --> 00:00:32,966
- And since you had a double
wedding, I only got one cake.
12
00:00:33,102 --> 00:00:34,620
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
13
00:00:36,415 --> 00:00:38,521
- Man, I can't believe
it's been a year, right?
14
00:00:38,659 --> 00:00:39,659
- I know. Look at us.
15
00:00:39,694 --> 00:00:41,386
You guys, I remember
16
00:00:41,524 --> 00:00:44,906
when we were three
pathetic single gals
17
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:48,393
willing to give up the
goods anywhere, anytime,
18
00:00:48,531 --> 00:00:50,257
just to snap up a man.
19
00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:54,951
Sure, we'll pretend
it was just me.
20
00:00:55,089 --> 00:00:57,816
But now, I mean, here we are
21
00:00:57,954 --> 00:00:59,956
happily coupled
with terrific guys
22
00:01:00,094 --> 00:01:02,545
who can't get enough of us.
23
00:01:02,683 --> 00:01:04,167
- Seriously.
- Right?
24
00:01:04,305 --> 00:01:06,790
- Where do our guys
get their energy?
25
00:01:12,037 --> 00:01:13,832
- Oh, yeah. Let
a girl breathe.
26
00:01:13,970 --> 00:01:15,903
You know what I'm saying?
- Yeah, yeah.
27
00:01:16,041 --> 00:01:17,905
No, I'm not surprised.
I figured Ben
28
00:01:18,043 --> 00:01:21,045
for a "let's hydrate and
do it again" kind of guy.
29
00:01:21,184 --> 00:01:23,393
- Yeah. Yeah, me too.
30
00:01:23,531 --> 00:01:25,499
But, you know, if we're
being honest here,
31
00:01:25,637 --> 00:01:27,846
you and me, I mean,
no guy's as passionate
32
00:01:27,984 --> 00:01:29,848
after a year as they
were in the beginning.
33
00:01:29,986 --> 00:01:31,712
- Uh, not in my house,
34
00:01:31,850 --> 00:01:32,989
or in my car,
35
00:01:33,127 --> 00:01:35,198
or in the bathroom at Costco.
36
00:01:35,336 --> 00:01:37,614
I'll have a sample
of that, please.
37
00:01:40,134 --> 00:01:41,584
- Um...
38
00:01:41,722 --> 00:01:44,621
OK, but come on, Dad and Louise?
39
00:01:44,759 --> 00:01:46,830
- Louise is getting plenty.
40
00:01:46,968 --> 00:01:49,384
That Jell-O is shakin'.
41
00:01:51,420 --> 00:01:54,527
- I did not need to hear
that for many reasons,
42
00:01:54,666 --> 00:01:56,368
but mainly because that's
not what's happening
43
00:01:56,392 --> 00:01:58,048
with me and Ben.
- Mm.
44
00:01:58,187 --> 00:02:00,189
- The truth is that we've
barely been intimate
45
00:02:00,327 --> 00:02:01,647
since we moved
into the new house.
46
00:02:01,776 --> 00:02:03,606
- Oh, wow. Really?
47
00:02:03,744 --> 00:02:06,505
'Cause I'd be jumping all over
that hunk of yummy every day.
48
00:02:08,404 --> 00:02:11,026
- Yeah, um...
49
00:02:11,165 --> 00:02:12,511
it's not me.
50
00:02:12,649 --> 00:02:14,134
- Oh.
51
00:02:14,272 --> 00:02:16,274
Oh!
52
00:02:16,412 --> 00:02:17,837
- Do you think there's
something wrong
53
00:02:17,861 --> 00:02:18,861
with the relationship?
54
00:02:18,931 --> 00:02:20,968
- Um, only you would know that.
55
00:02:21,106 --> 00:02:23,660
I mean, have you
guys talked about it?
56
00:02:23,798 --> 00:02:26,422
- Well, I tried once, but he
just kind of joked around.
57
00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:28,124
And I didn't want to push
it 'cause I didn't want
58
00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:29,666
to stigmatize him
and make it worse.
59
00:02:29,804 --> 00:02:32,186
- Yeah, but I mean, you
can't not do anything.
60
00:02:32,324 --> 00:02:34,499
You know, if your love
life needs a jumpstart,
61
00:02:34,637 --> 00:02:37,881
then as Lanford's
leading life coach
62
00:02:38,019 --> 00:02:42,438
and intimacy concierge,
63
00:02:42,576 --> 00:02:43,922
uh...
64
00:02:44,060 --> 00:02:46,235
I know some tricks.
65
00:02:46,373 --> 00:02:48,823
- Jackie, gross. Stop.
66
00:02:48,961 --> 00:02:52,067
Why can't you just be my aunt
and talk to me like a friend?
67
00:02:54,312 --> 00:02:55,829
- I mean, I think
that'd be a waste
68
00:02:55,968 --> 00:02:58,626
of six weeks of training.
69
00:03:19,923 --> 00:03:22,340
- The Conners is recorded
before a live studio audience.
70
00:03:22,478 --> 00:03:24,445
- Just out of curiosity,
71
00:03:24,583 --> 00:03:26,930
when did you all decide
to have Easter here?
72
00:03:27,068 --> 00:03:28,380
- Today.
73
00:03:28,518 --> 00:03:30,348
Didn't you see it on
the family text thread?
74
00:03:30,486 --> 00:03:32,936
- Oh, that thing dings
so many times a day,
75
00:03:33,074 --> 00:03:33,937
it's hard to keep up.
76
00:03:34,075 --> 00:03:35,870
- That was me.
77
00:03:36,008 --> 00:03:39,529
I sent a ton of pics of Beverly
Rose with the Easter bunny.
78
00:03:39,667 --> 00:03:42,843
- You know, I'm happy to be
on the family text chain,
79
00:03:42,981 --> 00:03:44,154
but I'm on other threads
80
00:03:44,293 --> 00:03:47,088
and my phone is
buzzing all day long.
81
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:48,745
People probably
think I'm a doctor,
82
00:03:48,883 --> 00:03:50,851
or a drug dealer.
83
00:03:50,989 --> 00:03:54,303
- Louise, nobody would
believe you're a doctor.
84
00:03:58,341 --> 00:04:00,723
- Ooh, just got one
from Mark. Said he's sad
85
00:04:00,861 --> 00:04:02,804
he's gonna miss Grandpa's
Easter egg hunt this year.
86
00:04:02,828 --> 00:04:05,106
- Yeah, but he's stuck with
Grandma Bev for Easter.
87
00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:06,763
Nothing like
celebrating the holidays
88
00:04:06,901 --> 00:04:10,042
with the woman who remembers
rolling away the stone.
89
00:04:10,180 --> 00:04:12,700
- Well, more eggs
for Beverly Rose.
90
00:04:12,838 --> 00:04:14,944
And this Easter has
got to be great.
91
00:04:15,082 --> 00:04:16,817
- Oh, right, it's the
first one she's with you
92
00:04:16,841 --> 00:04:18,741
instead of her dad.
- Yeah.
93
00:04:18,879 --> 00:04:21,399
And I want her to go back and
brag about how much fun she had
94
00:04:21,536 --> 00:04:23,987
so his new wife can choke on it.
95
00:04:26,887 --> 00:04:29,545
- Um, Louise,
96
00:04:29,683 --> 00:04:32,858
you know you just sent this
to the whole family, right?
97
00:04:32,996 --> 00:04:34,274
- What are you talking about?
98
00:04:34,412 --> 00:04:35,447
- Wrong thread, Louise.
99
00:04:35,585 --> 00:04:36,966
- Seriously?
100
00:04:38,485 --> 00:04:40,245
"Becky is blowing up
my phone with pictures.
101
00:04:40,383 --> 00:04:41,764
"I love seeing Beverly Rose,
102
00:04:41,902 --> 00:04:43,673
"but how about spending
more time with your kid
103
00:04:43,697 --> 00:04:45,423
"instead of posting
a thousand pictures
104
00:04:45,561 --> 00:04:47,055
to make it look like
you're a good parent?"
105
00:04:47,079 --> 00:04:49,289
- Oh, my God.
Look, I'm so sorry.
106
00:04:49,427 --> 00:04:52,119
I thought I was texting
one of my old bandmates.
107
00:04:52,257 --> 00:04:55,225
- Because you're going to write
a song called "Crappy Mom"?
108
00:04:56,779 --> 00:04:58,539
- Well, that was a
terrible mistake.
109
00:04:58,677 --> 00:05:00,241
But if you're gonna
write a song like that,
110
00:05:00,265 --> 00:05:02,474
my mom's given me
tons of inspiration.
111
00:05:02,612 --> 00:05:05,028
You have anything
that rhymes with...
112
00:05:05,166 --> 00:05:06,892
"narcissistic old bitch face"?
113
00:05:10,724 --> 00:05:13,554
OK, I know you said you
don't need my help with Ben,
114
00:05:13,692 --> 00:05:15,729
but just hear me out.
115
00:05:15,867 --> 00:05:18,387
I pulled some of my old
life coach workbooks
116
00:05:18,525 --> 00:05:20,112
on relationships.
117
00:05:20,250 --> 00:05:22,149
Everything you
need is right here.
118
00:05:22,287 --> 00:05:25,463
Now, this is called the
soul stare exercise.
119
00:05:25,601 --> 00:05:27,810
You stand on opposite
ends of the room.
120
00:05:27,948 --> 00:05:31,192
And you slowly start
walking towards each other
121
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:34,023
undressing one another
with your eyes.
122
00:05:37,406 --> 00:05:38,406
- Nope.
123
00:05:40,270 --> 00:05:42,134
- Hey, I'm the one
getting it regular.
124
00:05:42,272 --> 00:05:44,516
I don't need
this. You need me.
125
00:05:46,138 --> 00:05:47,312
- All right, fine.
- OK.
126
00:05:47,450 --> 00:05:49,245
So stand over there.
127
00:05:49,383 --> 00:05:50,591
You're here.
128
00:05:50,729 --> 00:05:53,732
OK, you are...
129
00:05:53,870 --> 00:05:55,838
Darlene.
130
00:05:55,976 --> 00:05:57,426
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
131
00:05:57,564 --> 00:06:00,152
And I am Ben.
132
00:06:00,290 --> 00:06:04,467
Now, remember we are both
primitive sexual beings.
133
00:06:04,605 --> 00:06:06,987
Ben is a lion.
You're a lioness.
134
00:06:07,125 --> 00:06:08,195
OK?
135
00:06:08,333 --> 00:06:11,129
You ready to roar?
136
00:06:12,510 --> 00:06:17,480
I want to feel you unbuttoning
my shirt with your teeth.
137
00:06:17,618 --> 00:06:19,862
- Maybe if you just move
a little bit to the right,
138
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:21,115
I can go right out the door.
139
00:06:21,139 --> 00:06:22,899
- Yeah, that's
it. That's good.
140
00:06:23,037 --> 00:06:25,039
You embrace that intensity.
141
00:06:25,177 --> 00:06:26,765
Roar!
142
00:06:28,491 --> 00:06:29,665
- What are you doing?
143
00:06:29,803 --> 00:06:31,321
- I told you. It's
the soul stare.
144
00:06:31,460 --> 00:06:34,394
It's right... oh, God,
this is Neville's.
145
00:06:35,533 --> 00:06:37,845
This is how peacocks mate.
146
00:06:39,709 --> 00:06:43,679
- OK, I'm going back online.
147
00:06:43,817 --> 00:06:45,543
- Well, you finding
anything in there?
148
00:06:45,681 --> 00:06:48,511
- Well, I mean it's mostly
advice written by men
149
00:06:48,649 --> 00:06:50,755
on what to do if
a man's sex drive
150
00:06:50,893 --> 00:06:52,377
is stronger than a woman's.
151
00:06:52,515 --> 00:06:55,587
- Well, you just change the
pronouns and use the advice.
152
00:06:55,725 --> 00:06:57,417
- Oh, sure, I'll tell Ben
153
00:06:57,555 --> 00:06:59,108
that he looks great
in his yoga pants.
154
00:06:59,246 --> 00:07:00,903
And then I'll watch the kids
155
00:07:01,041 --> 00:07:03,940
while he takes a bubble
bath and reads "People."
156
00:07:04,078 --> 00:07:05,217
- I mean, that could work.
157
00:07:05,355 --> 00:07:06,675
Everybody wants
to be complimented
158
00:07:06,771 --> 00:07:10,602
and feel like they're not
being taken for granted.
159
00:07:10,740 --> 00:07:12,570
- Maybe. It also says here,
160
00:07:12,708 --> 00:07:15,227
"Physical contact is not
just for the bedroom.
161
00:07:15,365 --> 00:07:16,998
"You're supposed to find
time throughout the day
162
00:07:17,022 --> 00:07:18,241
to reach out and
touch each other."
163
00:07:18,265 --> 00:07:21,682
- This is the stuff
that keeps it fresh!
164
00:07:24,305 --> 00:07:25,893
Where is Ben right now?
165
00:07:26,031 --> 00:07:27,619
Right now?
166
00:07:28,862 --> 00:07:30,898
- He's in the kitchen.
He's fixing the sink.
167
00:07:31,036 --> 00:07:34,764
- Oh, my God, this is where
men feel the most like men.
168
00:07:34,902 --> 00:07:36,525
I mean, it's sad,
but that's how it is.
169
00:07:36,663 --> 00:07:39,148
So get in there!
170
00:07:39,286 --> 00:07:42,634
- Oh, God, I'm so
not this person.
171
00:07:42,772 --> 00:07:46,051
- No, you're the person that
nobody wants to have sex with.
172
00:07:47,707 --> 00:07:48,707
- You're not wrong.
173
00:07:54,094 --> 00:07:55,820
Mmm.
174
00:07:57,511 --> 00:08:00,894
Somebody's looking
good under there.
175
00:08:01,032 --> 00:08:05,139
- Who put eggshells in
the garbage disposal?
176
00:08:05,277 --> 00:08:08,453
- I don't know, but
as I was saying,
177
00:08:08,591 --> 00:08:10,938
mmm.
178
00:08:11,076 --> 00:08:13,182
If the top half
of what I'm seeing
179
00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:16,323
looks as good as
the bottom half...
180
00:08:16,461 --> 00:08:18,739
- What are you mumbling about?
181
00:08:21,155 --> 00:08:23,606
- Who's my big, strong lion?
182
00:08:26,402 --> 00:08:28,300
Darlene, damn it.
183
00:08:28,438 --> 00:08:31,200
You can't surprise me like
that when I'm under the sink.
184
00:08:31,338 --> 00:08:32,591
- Well, I was just
complimenting you.
185
00:08:32,615 --> 00:08:33,927
- God.
186
00:08:34,065 --> 00:08:36,515
Well, thank you.
187
00:08:36,654 --> 00:08:38,254
These are my best
under-the-sink clothes.
188
00:08:39,726 --> 00:08:41,140
You're so funny.
189
00:08:49,598 --> 00:08:50,885
- I got to go get
some plumbers' tape
190
00:08:50,909 --> 00:08:51,979
out of the garage.
191
00:08:52,117 --> 00:08:54,982
- You want me to
help you find it?
192
00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:56,328
- No, I think I got it.
193
00:08:56,466 --> 00:08:58,434
It's that little house
we made for the cars.
194
00:09:06,304 --> 00:09:08,824
- Do you think this will
smooth things over with Becky?
195
00:09:08,962 --> 00:09:11,412
- Nope.
196
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,691
I just got off the
phone with her.
197
00:09:13,829 --> 00:09:16,072
She said she doesn't want
to deal with you on Easter.
198
00:09:16,210 --> 00:09:18,799
And if you think you're
seeing too much of her kid,
199
00:09:18,937 --> 00:09:20,525
go to a movie for the day.
200
00:09:20,663 --> 00:09:22,158
- What'd you tell her
when she said that?
201
00:09:22,182 --> 00:09:23,321
- I said "Louise is my wife.
202
00:09:23,459 --> 00:09:24,909
If she's not here,
I'm not here."
203
00:09:25,047 --> 00:09:26,472
- And what did she say?
- I don't know.
204
00:09:26,496 --> 00:09:27,808
She hung up before I said that.
205
00:09:30,811 --> 00:09:32,917
- This is crazy.
206
00:09:33,055 --> 00:09:36,265
- Honey, you called
her a bad mom.
207
00:09:36,403 --> 00:09:37,683
She's real sensitive about that.
208
00:09:37,715 --> 00:09:39,233
- I know that.
209
00:09:39,371 --> 00:09:41,477
And I've texted her,
like, a hundred apologies.
210
00:09:41,615 --> 00:09:43,272
I went back, and I liked
211
00:09:43,410 --> 00:09:45,999
every stupid photo
of her kid sleeping.
212
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:51,004
I even wrote, "She's so
good at being still."
213
00:09:52,557 --> 00:09:54,939
- This obviously doesn't
come easy for you,
214
00:09:55,077 --> 00:09:58,632
but I appreciate you trying.
215
00:09:58,770 --> 00:10:01,635
But I really want my
granddaughter here for Easter.
216
00:10:35,842 --> 00:10:38,707
- Oh, wow.
217
00:10:38,845 --> 00:10:42,296
Look at you being all
energetic and weird.
218
00:10:42,434 --> 00:10:44,333
- It's not weird.
219
00:10:44,471 --> 00:10:47,163
I was just thinking we
never dance anymore.
220
00:10:49,545 --> 00:10:52,755
- Well, we never started
because you hate it.
221
00:10:52,893 --> 00:10:54,619
- I hate flossing,
222
00:10:54,757 --> 00:10:56,897
but I do it.
223
00:10:58,623 --> 00:11:00,004
Come on.
224
00:11:01,384 --> 00:11:03,559
- Honey, I could
watch you all night
225
00:11:03,697 --> 00:11:06,355
and analyze you
all the next day,
226
00:11:06,493 --> 00:11:09,634
but I am trying to
pay the bills here.
227
00:11:11,256 --> 00:11:13,293
OK.
228
00:11:14,604 --> 00:11:17,193
Wow. Are you wearing perfume?
229
00:11:17,331 --> 00:11:19,644
- I may have walked
through a blast of Febreze.
230
00:11:25,132 --> 00:11:28,342
- You know what? This is fun.
231
00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:31,760
But there's not gonna
be any music to dance to
232
00:11:31,898 --> 00:11:33,589
if I don't pay
the electric bill.
233
00:11:33,727 --> 00:11:37,144
- Then we'll just
dance in the dark.
234
00:11:38,801 --> 00:11:40,838
Or do other things.
235
00:11:40,976 --> 00:11:42,771
- Ooh.
236
00:11:42,909 --> 00:11:44,980
Or maybe...
237
00:11:45,118 --> 00:11:46,982
we can...
238
00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:49,156
do it another time.
239
00:11:55,128 --> 00:11:57,544
- Yeah, we can, but we never do.
240
00:11:57,682 --> 00:12:00,133
I mean, yesterday was our
anniversary, you know,
241
00:12:00,271 --> 00:12:02,687
and you were too busy then too.
242
00:12:02,825 --> 00:12:05,069
I mean, do you realize
that we've had sex one time
243
00:12:05,207 --> 00:12:07,623
since we moved into this house?
244
00:12:07,761 --> 00:12:09,970
- I haven't been counting.
245
00:12:10,108 --> 00:12:12,145
- Well, it's easy. One.
246
00:12:13,353 --> 00:12:14,353
The house is empty.
247
00:12:14,457 --> 00:12:16,011
Why can't we just
do it right now?
248
00:12:16,149 --> 00:12:17,909
- Why does it have to be now?
249
00:12:18,047 --> 00:12:20,567
You're making too
much of this, OK?
250
00:12:20,705 --> 00:12:22,648
Look, it's perfectly natural
for sex in a marriage
251
00:12:22,672 --> 00:12:24,260
to ebb and flow.
252
00:12:24,398 --> 00:12:27,367
- Yeah, but while you're
ebbing, I'm flowing.
253
00:12:27,505 --> 00:12:29,921
I mean, I really want
this. I danced for you.
254
00:12:30,059 --> 00:12:31,578
You know how I
feel about dancing.
255
00:12:31,716 --> 00:12:33,997
It's for people who don't have
the courage to stand still.
256
00:12:35,340 --> 00:12:38,067
OK, look, if you don't
want to do it right now,
257
00:12:38,205 --> 00:12:40,173
then let's just
schedule something.
258
00:12:40,311 --> 00:12:42,002
- Oh, God, a schedule.
259
00:12:42,140 --> 00:12:43,693
That's just so formal.
260
00:12:43,832 --> 00:12:46,248
Can't we just let
it happen naturally?
261
00:12:46,386 --> 00:12:47,836
- Ben, pick a time.
262
00:12:47,974 --> 00:12:49,838
We can't let the
fire and passion
263
00:12:49,976 --> 00:12:51,391
in our marriage die, right?
264
00:12:51,529 --> 00:12:53,151
- OK.
265
00:12:53,289 --> 00:12:54,877
9:00.
266
00:12:56,154 --> 00:12:58,363
- What day?
267
00:12:58,501 --> 00:13:00,124
- Now I have to pick a day?
268
00:13:00,262 --> 00:13:03,265
OK. Tomorrow night at 9:00.
269
00:13:03,403 --> 00:13:04,611
- Fine.
270
00:13:04,749 --> 00:13:07,545
- See? That wasn't formal.
271
00:13:07,683 --> 00:13:10,582
It was nice and natural.
272
00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:13,275
I'm gonna put it in my phone.
273
00:13:13,413 --> 00:13:15,725
It'll show up in your calendar,
274
00:13:15,864 --> 00:13:18,349
and you'll get an alert,
like, two hours before.
275
00:13:23,872 --> 00:13:25,770
Hey, just so you know,
276
00:13:25,908 --> 00:13:27,945
Ben and I have a
sex date tonight.
277
00:13:28,083 --> 00:13:30,154
- Oh, good. Where
is he right now?
278
00:13:30,292 --> 00:13:32,225
- He's doing inventory.
- Wow.
279
00:13:32,363 --> 00:13:34,434
How much equipment
do you guys use?
280
00:13:37,886 --> 00:13:39,542
- Happy Easter!
281
00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:41,717
Happy Easter!
282
00:13:41,855 --> 00:13:43,926
- This is amazing.
283
00:13:44,064 --> 00:13:46,101
I love you guys.
284
00:13:46,239 --> 00:13:48,344
Beverly Rose is never
gonna forget this.
285
00:13:48,482 --> 00:13:50,415
- That was the plan.
286
00:13:50,553 --> 00:13:53,418
Happy Easter, honey!
287
00:13:53,556 --> 00:13:56,836
Oh, and the Easter bunny
hid eggs all over the yard.
288
00:13:58,389 --> 00:13:59,769
- What are you doing here?
289
00:13:59,908 --> 00:14:01,228
- I'm trying to
make things right.
290
00:14:01,323 --> 00:14:03,808
You wanted a great
Easter for Beverly Rose,
291
00:14:03,946 --> 00:14:05,845
so I'm making it happen.
292
00:14:05,983 --> 00:14:07,467
- I'm leaving,
293
00:14:07,605 --> 00:14:09,238
but I'm not going to
ruin it for Beverly Rose.
294
00:14:09,262 --> 00:14:10,542
Someone needs to drive her home.
295
00:14:10,573 --> 00:14:12,161
- Oh, come on, Becky.
296
00:14:12,299 --> 00:14:13,619
I'm trying to make
a gesture here.
297
00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:15,371
- Oh, look out the
window as I'm leaving.
298
00:14:15,509 --> 00:14:16,648
You'll see a gesture.
299
00:14:19,651 --> 00:14:21,722
- Come on, Becky.
Don't ruin the day.
300
00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:23,690
Louise was up all
night doing this.
301
00:14:23,828 --> 00:14:25,588
- I don't care.
302
00:14:25,726 --> 00:14:27,728
You know what?
303
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:30,007
You wanted to be
here. Let's do this.
304
00:14:30,145 --> 00:14:33,148
I was all for you
marrying my dad,
305
00:14:33,286 --> 00:14:35,184
but it turns out you're
one of those people
306
00:14:35,322 --> 00:14:39,016
who pretends to be nice but
talks crap behind your back.
307
00:14:39,154 --> 00:14:43,020
In this house, we insult
each other to our faces.
308
00:14:43,158 --> 00:14:47,196
- Damn, this is like "Real
Housewives" without the money.
309
00:14:47,334 --> 00:14:49,129
- OK, I think I've
been pretty patient
310
00:14:49,267 --> 00:14:50,693
hoping you two would
work things out.
311
00:14:50,717 --> 00:14:52,581
Becky, you said this family
312
00:14:52,719 --> 00:14:54,341
says everything to
each other's faces?
313
00:14:54,479 --> 00:14:55,687
- That's right.
- Yeah.
314
00:14:55,825 --> 00:14:57,966
Well, here are some texts
I've received recently.
315
00:14:58,104 --> 00:14:59,899
This one is from Aunt Jackie.
316
00:15:00,037 --> 00:15:02,729
"If Louise talks about life
on the road one more time,
317
00:15:02,867 --> 00:15:05,835
"I'm gonna grab her
by her cheap dyed hair
318
00:15:05,974 --> 00:15:08,666
"and kick her up
and down the street.
319
00:15:08,804 --> 00:15:10,357
Then she'll be
back on the road."
320
00:15:12,842 --> 00:15:14,282
- I don't think you
should be talking
321
00:15:14,396 --> 00:15:17,917
about anybody's
hair, Fantastic Sam.
322
00:15:18,055 --> 00:15:19,884
- You can't take
that stuff seriously.
323
00:15:20,022 --> 00:15:23,094
- Here's another from a child
who shall remain nameless.
324
00:15:23,232 --> 00:15:25,441
Harris.
325
00:15:25,579 --> 00:15:29,376
"Has Aunt Jackie ever actually
been institutionalized?
326
00:15:29,514 --> 00:15:31,861
Because I got a bet going
with Mark and Mary."
327
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:34,450
- It was a game.
- We were just playing
328
00:15:34,588 --> 00:15:37,005
"Which Conners Have
Been Institutionalized?"
329
00:15:38,489 --> 00:15:40,249
What are you laughing at?
330
00:15:40,387 --> 00:15:42,286
- Because I'm the only one here
331
00:15:42,424 --> 00:15:44,184
who hasn't been as fake
as the rest of you.
332
00:15:44,322 --> 00:15:47,290
- Really? Well,
how about this?
333
00:15:47,429 --> 00:15:50,915
Just last week, in the middle
of your shift at The Lunch Box,
334
00:15:51,053 --> 00:15:54,746
you said, and I quote...
OK, here it is...
335
00:15:54,884 --> 00:15:57,232
"You have no idea
what a nightmare it is
336
00:15:57,370 --> 00:15:59,510
to work with these two
menopausal Muppets."
337
00:15:59,648 --> 00:16:00,925
- Hey!
- Hey!
338
00:16:03,203 --> 00:16:04,756
- OK.
339
00:16:04,894 --> 00:16:07,138
I think I made my point.
340
00:16:07,276 --> 00:16:09,485
We've all had days where
we're stressed out,
341
00:16:09,623 --> 00:16:12,937
or pissed, or just
having a lousy day.
342
00:16:13,075 --> 00:16:14,628
Before these things,
343
00:16:14,766 --> 00:16:15,985
you badmouthed a
friend to a friend.
344
00:16:16,009 --> 00:16:17,321
And that was the end of it.
345
00:16:17,459 --> 00:16:20,220
Now you write it
down, you send it out,
346
00:16:20,358 --> 00:16:22,982
and it's out there forever.
347
00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:25,605
It ain't natural.
348
00:16:25,743 --> 00:16:29,643
- Look, I just want the
whole family to get along
349
00:16:29,781 --> 00:16:32,025
and enjoy a holiday.
350
00:16:32,163 --> 00:16:35,132
I did something stupid.
Can't we just get over it?
351
00:16:35,270 --> 00:16:37,824
- Let's all agree we're
sorry for what we said,
352
00:16:37,962 --> 00:16:39,688
wipe the slate clean,
353
00:16:39,826 --> 00:16:42,104
and delete the
Conner text chain.
354
00:16:42,242 --> 00:16:43,623
- That's right.
Sorry, everybody.
355
00:16:43,761 --> 00:16:45,866
- Sorry, you guys.
- Hit delete.
356
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:48,938
- I do have one
last thing to ask.
357
00:16:49,077 --> 00:16:51,424
Was Aunt Jackie ever
institutionalized?
358
00:16:54,116 --> 00:16:55,324
- Darlene, hey.
359
00:16:55,462 --> 00:16:57,913
I'm really sorry, but
I'm gonna be late.
360
00:16:58,051 --> 00:17:00,088
I know, but I can't help it.
361
00:17:00,226 --> 00:17:01,951
The sprinkler pipe burst.
362
00:17:02,090 --> 00:17:04,022
Your dad's going up
on the roof to fix it.
363
00:17:04,161 --> 00:17:07,542
I'm getting inventory out
of the way of the leaks.
364
00:17:07,681 --> 00:17:10,477
I, uh... I really don't
know what time I'll be home.
365
00:17:12,721 --> 00:17:13,790
Yeah.
366
00:17:13,929 --> 00:17:17,138
Well, I'm sorry too.
367
00:17:19,314 --> 00:17:20,314
OK.
368
00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:41,232
Well, what are you doing up?
369
00:17:41,370 --> 00:17:43,096
You should have
gone to bed, hon.
370
00:17:45,029 --> 00:17:47,342
I'm sorry tonight got messed up.
371
00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:48,860
- Just stop.
372
00:17:48,998 --> 00:17:50,310
I know you're lying.
373
00:17:50,448 --> 00:17:52,554
I'm not even mad.
I'm just embarrassed.
374
00:17:52,692 --> 00:17:53,852
- What are you talking about?
375
00:17:53,900 --> 00:17:56,005
- My dad was here
when you called,
376
00:17:56,144 --> 00:17:57,766
but nice touch
with the wet shirt.
377
00:18:00,700 --> 00:18:02,598
- Well, I find when
you're lying to your wife
378
00:18:02,736 --> 00:18:03,910
about not having sex,
379
00:18:04,048 --> 00:18:06,740
the details are important.
380
00:18:06,878 --> 00:18:08,190
- I've been stood up before,
381
00:18:08,328 --> 00:18:10,128
but I never thought it
would be by my husband.
382
00:18:11,849 --> 00:18:13,471
- I'm so sorry.
383
00:18:16,509 --> 00:18:18,280
- Why the hell don't you
want to have sex with me?
384
00:18:18,304 --> 00:18:19,891
- Oh, no.
385
00:18:20,029 --> 00:18:21,341
Yes, I do.
386
00:18:21,479 --> 00:18:23,550
I always do.
387
00:18:25,518 --> 00:18:29,108
When we first started,
I had my own magazine.
388
00:18:29,246 --> 00:18:30,902
I was writing.
389
00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:34,803
I felt really
great about myself.
390
00:18:36,839 --> 00:18:38,117
- What, and you don't now?
391
00:18:38,255 --> 00:18:40,567
- It's just different.
392
00:18:40,705 --> 00:18:44,433
Now I'm hardware store
guy and wear a vest.
393
00:18:44,571 --> 00:18:46,194
And I'm stepdad guy.
394
00:18:46,332 --> 00:18:48,196
And I have a million
responsibilities.
395
00:18:48,334 --> 00:18:51,130
And...
396
00:18:51,268 --> 00:18:54,788
I just don't feel,
397
00:18:54,926 --> 00:18:56,859
you know.
398
00:18:56,997 --> 00:18:59,483
- No, I don't know.
399
00:18:59,621 --> 00:19:01,899
You don't feel what?
400
00:19:02,037 --> 00:19:06,352
- I don't feel sexy right now.
401
00:19:08,630 --> 00:19:10,666
- What are you talking about?
402
00:19:10,804 --> 00:19:12,772
Honey, you're beautiful.
403
00:19:12,910 --> 00:19:14,256
- Oh, you don't mean that.
404
00:19:14,394 --> 00:19:16,258
I didn't even have a
chance to fix my face.
405
00:19:19,054 --> 00:19:20,159
- Look. Come on, Ben.
406
00:19:20,297 --> 00:19:22,506
You've taken all the crap
407
00:19:22,644 --> 00:19:24,439
that me and my family
have thrown at you,
408
00:19:24,577 --> 00:19:25,957
and you are still standing.
409
00:19:26,095 --> 00:19:28,512
I mean, I think
that is crazy hot.
410
00:19:30,652 --> 00:19:32,688
- I love that you feel that way.
411
00:19:32,826 --> 00:19:35,139
I mean, I don't know
what turns you on
412
00:19:35,277 --> 00:19:37,624
about stressed-out dad
bod, but I'll take it.
413
00:19:40,109 --> 00:19:41,909
I just don't want to
disappoint you, you know?
414
00:19:41,973 --> 00:19:44,700
And you kept pushing me.
415
00:19:44,838 --> 00:19:47,186
And then I guess
the scheduling sex
416
00:19:47,324 --> 00:19:49,740
just kind of pushed
me over the edge.
417
00:19:51,638 --> 00:19:53,295
- OK.
418
00:19:53,433 --> 00:19:56,816
Why don't we shelve
sex for the time being?
419
00:19:56,954 --> 00:19:58,645
We're still gonna
make a schedule.
420
00:19:58,783 --> 00:20:00,544
But no pressure. It's
just to hang out.
421
00:20:00,682 --> 00:20:03,340
And then you will tell
me when you're ready.
422
00:20:03,478 --> 00:20:05,963
- And look, eventually,
I will come to terms
423
00:20:06,101 --> 00:20:08,172
with the fact that
I'm not cool anymore.
424
00:20:10,657 --> 00:20:13,315
And it's gonna happen
sooner than later.
425
00:20:13,453 --> 00:20:14,868
- Good.
426
00:20:15,006 --> 00:20:16,870
And if I'm on my
deathbed, just, you know,
427
00:20:17,008 --> 00:20:18,608
throw me one so I
don't wait for nothing.
428
00:20:24,706 --> 00:20:26,190
- You guys doing OK?
429
00:20:28,054 --> 00:20:29,918
- I've been racking my brain
430
00:20:30,056 --> 00:20:32,127
trying to figure out
why you wrote that.
431
00:20:33,646 --> 00:20:37,201
Do you resent me because I have
a kid and you never had one?
432
00:20:37,339 --> 00:20:40,515
- Oh, I don't resent you, Becky.
433
00:20:40,653 --> 00:20:43,690
And my stupid remark
had nothing to do
434
00:20:43,828 --> 00:20:46,659
with me having a kid
or not having a kid.
435
00:20:46,797 --> 00:20:49,248
I had a lousy mom.
436
00:20:49,386 --> 00:20:51,940
And if anything, I could
jealous of the fact
437
00:20:52,078 --> 00:20:55,737
that Beverly Rose has a
mom that loves her so much
438
00:20:55,875 --> 00:20:58,084
she wants everyone else to know.
439
00:20:58,222 --> 00:21:01,363
You're a great mom
with a great kid
440
00:21:01,501 --> 00:21:04,090
that I'm tired of
deleting photos of.
441
00:21:04,228 --> 00:21:07,611
You see, I have an iPhone 4,
442
00:21:07,749 --> 00:21:09,233
and it's clogging it up.
443
00:21:09,371 --> 00:21:11,546
I am one photo away
444
00:21:11,684 --> 00:21:15,135
from not being able
to make a phone call.
445
00:21:15,274 --> 00:21:17,862
- You could give Apple
another $1.99 a month.
446
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,071
- Over my dead body.
447
00:21:20,209 --> 00:21:21,866
Don't say that.
448
00:21:22,004 --> 00:21:23,489
They can hear you.
32365
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