All language subtitles for The.Conners.S05E16.WEBRip.x264

This time, just tell me
when I'm at the bottom step.

The
swelling's almost gone.

You're fine.

I'd love to help you guys,
but, you know, pregnant.

We should make that
phrase a drinking game.

The drinking game is how
she ended up pregnant

in the first place.

I'm having a real "circle
of life" moment here.

You get pregnant, you
can't support yourself,

you move back in with your mom.

We don't have many traditions,

but the ones we
have are magical.

Hey, Harris,

I still have Beverly Rose's

old baby clothes and crib.

Do you want them?

Mm, no, thanks.

I'll pass on the hand-me-downs.

I'd rather start
with all new things

that my kid can make their
own childhood memories with.

Sorry, we really can't afford

for your kid to have
their own memories.

Beverly Rose's memories
are still perfectly good,

and you can use those until
your child grows out of them.

There's years of generational
trauma in those clothes.

Come on, Harris.

Money's really tight right now,

'cause I don't start
work for a few weeks.

And besides, Beverly
Rose's stuff is way better

than anything you had.

Oh, yeah. Your bassinet?

That was one of your grandpa's
old Hickory Farms baskets.

It worked okay, but it
was hard to hug you,

'cause you smelled
like summer sausage.

It's okay. I'll just buy
stuff with my own money.

Hey, look who's
here! There she is!

I'm back. Welcome home, baby!

Yay!

I'll get this.

Mm.No, no, no. Whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Those are mine. Oh, sorry.

Yeah, I was just in the
rhythm of grab-and-move.

I almost packed up
Darlene earlier.

Yeah, Becky bet me five bucks

that I couldn't
fit in a suitcase.

And I could.Ah.

Aww, finding new things to shove
Darlene in, and I missed it.

Yeah, well, you're
home for good.

We'll have plenty of
time for her shenanigans.

Oh, really?

You're all done touring? Yeah.

Your dad and I
talked, and I'm done.

Yep. The rest of her life
will be spent with only me.

Mm.

Geez, Dan, you make it
sound like a life sentence.

You've seen how I eat.
How long could it be?

Oh, hey, Harris.

How are you feeling?

Uh, I'm a little uncomfortable,
but it's all good.

I'm moving back
in with my mommy,

and she's gonna make me mac
and cheese from the box.

So, you and Darlene
living together again...

That's nice.

Look, I hope everything works
out exactly the way you want

and not the way we all expect.

Hey, we are different now.

We respect each other,

and Harris is a very
responsible person.

When she runs off to Florida
and dumps the kid on me,

I know she'll still
FaceTime on the weekends.

What? Like, every weekend?

Ugh, I'm the only one
doing any work around here.

Don't worry, Dan.

I get that there's been
so much going on here,

you couldn't plan anything
special for my homecoming.

I did plan something.

I just thought you were
coming home tomorrow.

I told you I was coming
home on our anniversary.

I assumed you meant
the anniversary

of the day after our wedding...

The day it really hit
me how perfect you are.

I'll allow it.

Do we really have
to go out there?

Why don't we just spend the
whole day and night in bed

and lock everybody
out of our world?

Oh, I've never spent 24
consecutive hours in bed before.

I better not try it.

Why not?

Well, the same reason
I don't try heroin.

I might like it too much.

Seriously, Dan, I need this.

I have been gone so long,
and I missed you so much.

Oh, I missed you, too, baby,

but I really should
help with the move.

I mean, granted, we got Mary to
do most of the heavy lifting,

but when she stands up now,
she's starting to say, "Oy!"

She's got plenty
of help out there.

And besides, I, uh...

I can't believe
I'm gonna say this,

but I think it's okay if we bend
the rules and, uh, eat in bed.

That's heroin to my ears.

I'm in.

Wow, I didn't even
mention sex yet.

Well, I don't know what's coming
first, the food or the sex,

but I'm gonna be on my back,
watching TV for all of it.

Captions by VITAC...

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of a live
studio audience.

Oh, that was so good.

Oh, I haven't
finished, Louise.

Oh, I'm sorry, Dan.

You're just so slow.

I've already had four.

You know, with this waterbed,

it's kind of like surf and turf.

Fancy.

But, really, what's
the plan after this?

Well, since we've just
finished the marathon

of the "Jurassic Park" films,

why don't we start on
the James Bond movies?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I watched them all
while you were gone,

except for the ones
with Roger Moore.

He's got the manners
of a good butler

and the animal savagery
of a good butler.

I know.

Let's watch the "Fast
and Furious" movies.

No one in those has any manners.

Time to leave the room.

Nope.

We're going on two days in here.

What's up?

A lot.

Would you care to
be more specific?

Fine.

When I was out on
the road with my mom,

she wanted to stay out there
past the end of the tour

because what was I in such
a hurry to get back for?

And I said "Dan and..."

I couldn't think of anything
after the "and."

I'm just happy I made the list.

And in first
position, I may add.

You got plenty of time to figure
out what comes after the "and."

You just got back.

I thought about it for weeks
on the road after she said it.

Really, Dan, I have no idea
what's out there for me

on the other side of that door.

Well, you're never gonna
know until you stop hiding.

No, I can't do it.

I-I-I-I don't want to.

I've been a
musician all my life.

Music saved me when
I was a teenager

going in a bad direction,

and touring with a band
is all I really know.

I've always known
where I was going,

and now I don't.

I need a purpose, Dan.

It's the guys that used
to play at Casita Bonita.

I told you I thought you
were coming home today.

I wrote that.

Thank you, Dan.
That was so sweet.

You know, they're expecting us.

We really should go down there.

Uh, not gonna
happen. Are you sure?

They're playing at a mattress
store opening right after this.

If you want a picture, we
really should get down there.

Sorry, fellas. She
won't come out.

She doesn't have a purpose.

Dan.

Well, I didn't want them to
think it was anything they did.

Oh, well, you're not gonna
be needing this for a while.

I know.

No smoking, no drinking,
no bouncy houses,

and no caffeine, which sucks.

No caffeine? That's a new one.

When I was pregnant,
I was so tired,

I, like, tripled my caffeine.

Maybe that's why you just
popped out and ran all the way

down the hallway to the nursery.

No, that was because I
was looking for a nice,

rich family to go home with.

So, uh, what else have you
learned about pregnancy?

Um, I did read that
there are some women

who don't experience
any pain in labor.

Uh, yeah. Meth
heads and liars.

The best way I can describe it

is it's like pulling your upper
lip over the top of your head.

Oh, but still, like, a
beautiful experience.

Yeah, laugh now, while you
still can without peeing.

Am I hearing laughter in here?

Are you spying on us?

I was just hanging nearby,

in case you two
needed a referee.

When you guys are alone,
it turns into "Squid Games"

pretty quickly.

We're fine.

Just a mother and daughter

bonding over the
horrors of childbirth.

It's not always horrible.

I barely felt it.

That doesn't count.

Beverly Rose was a preemie.

Mark weighed more at birth
than I did when I got married.

I could use that bong right now.

My stomach really hurts.

It's like bad cramps.

Did they just start?

No.

I mean, I felt a little
something the last few days,

but not like this.

Um, well, yeah, it's
probably nothing,

but why don't we just take
a quick trip to the doctor,

just to be sure?

Okay.

It's been a while since
they left for the doctor.

Yeah, I know.

But they'll be home soon,

and then we'll find
out what's going on.

So, Mark should be home from
his school trip tomorrow.

And, uh, we're supposed
to have his new bedroom

set up by then.

He's gonna love going
from a private bedroom

to a room that has a
table cloth for a wall.

Well, at least
there's a big window

where strangers can look
in on him from the road.

I'll just take all his
books to the garage for now.

Oy.

Hey, everything okay?

Uh, let me get Harris
settled up in her room

and I'll be right back down.

No, we can tell her.

Yeah, I had a miscarriage.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

I mean, I wasn't
planning to have a baby

before I got pregnant.

And even though I
decided to keep it,

I guess I should be
kind of relieved, right?

You can be, that's
a normal reaction.

Hey, just, uh, don't tell
Grandpa and Louise yet.

She just got home, they're
spending time together.

I don't want to mess that up.

Do you need anything?

No. It's all good.

It's also okay if
it's not all good.

No,
I'm... I'm fine.

And, hey, now I'll go back
to my regular life, right?

Well, look, that's a
healthy way to look at it.

I mean, maybe this all
worked out for the best.

Right. Yeah, I know.

Of course youwould think that.

You didn't want me to have
the baby to begin with.

So I bet you're reallyrelieved.

No, that's not at all...

I'm tired. I'm gonna lie down.

Hey, it...

I don't know if this helps,

but no matter how mad
Harris is at you right now,

wait till Mark sees you
moved him into a window seat.

No, that doesn't help.

That's why I said, I don't know.

I'm gonna empty the bone
bucket and feed the chickens.

Wanna go?

Uh, no, I-I'm good right here.

How 'bout we take a stroll

through the living
room, see the sights.

I hear it's lovely
this time of day.

You're not listening to me, Dan.

I can't do it.

I-I just can't go out there.

Well, maybe you're
overthinking this, honey.

Retirement's not supposed
to be this complicated.

It's you spending time
with the one you love.

That's a pretty good life.

Look, you know I
love being with you.

Even the little things...
Counting out your pills,

doing mole checks.

It's not enough.

I don't know how to
be more that I am.

Oh, come on, Dan.

You know what I mean.

Oh, I doknow what you mean.

You're saying very clearly
that I'm not enough for you.

It is so hard getting
out of that bed.

You know, people our age
have tubs they can walk into

and chairs that lift them
into a standing position.

Why the hell do we
have a waterbed?

Because I thought it
would be fun for us,

but I guess I have no
idea about what you want.

Oh, so... So now
you're insulted?

Because I just want a
little more in my life?

Yeah, I guess I am.

You been home less than two days

and you're already thinking
about what you can do

besides spend time with me.

Okay. Great.

Let's make it about you now.

No, it's very
obviously not about me.

You know who wants
to be with me?

My chickens.

When I rain corn on them,
they look at me like a god.

What are you doing?

I'm going back to
live with Grandpa.

I'll be back for the rest
of my stuff tomorrow.

Wait, you're leaving?

Is this because I said that
your life might be better

without a baby right now?

Because you said you could
go back to your normal life,

and then I was just
agreeing with you.

You are so full of crap.

You said that because
that's how you really feel.

And this whole thing
makes you feel better.

No, that's not true, Harris.

Come on, let's
just talk about it.

No, I'm done talking.

I can't live here
looking at you every day

knowing how happy you are
that I didn't have the baby.

Bye.

Hey. Hey.

I talked to Harris.

Poor kid.

That's a hell of a thing
for her to go through.

I know.

She up in her room?

Yeah.

I asked her if she
needed anything,

and she just wanted to rest.

Hmm.

Well, she forgot
some of her meds

and I'm gonna make her
some mac and cheese.

Uh, would you mind
bringing this up to her?

What the hell happened
over at your place?

How come you don't want
to bring it to her?

We're
a mess right now.

She thinks I'm happy about
what happened to her.

And I tried to talk
to her about it,

but I guess it
just made it worse.

Well...

then stop talking.

She needs to be mad at
something or someone,

and right now, that's you.

So, take her her pills
and her mac and cheese

and just sit there.

You really think that'll help?

Yes, I do.

Can I bring my phone so
I've got something to do?

You might be surprised
at what she has to say

if you just stop talking.

Alright, I'll try.

Hey, wait, what are you
doing in the garage?

I got a really gross
text from Louise

saying you guys were gonna spend
the next couple days in bed.

I blocked her in case she
was gonna send pictures.

You wanna know the truth?

I don't follow my own advice.

I was talking when I
should have been listening.

Well, I don't know what you
did, but go in there and undo it

'cause we need Louise.

She's the only of us
that's strong enough

to pull you out of a bathtub.

I know.

That's why I'm out here

trying to figure
out how to undo it.

I made it about me.

And a little bit
about the chickens.

That's how you know
you've lost an argument,

when you start talking
about chickens.

How come I get a ticket

every time I roll
through a stop sign,

but this guy can fly
over a school bus,

and there's not a
cop around anywhere?

You don't get it.

This time it's personal.

Uh, I've been thinking,
and... and you're right.

It's not about me.

I know women hate it when men
try to come up with fixes,

so here's 33 fixes, because
I'm an incredibly slow learner.

"Potential purposes
for Louise's new life."

Oh, Dan, this is really sweet.

But how does learning
to pole dance

help me to feel fulfilled?

Well, that'll keep you busy

when you're not
craft-brewing beer.

Re... Keep reading.

Uh, "Lingerie
model/pie maker."

Well, uh, just skip that one.

Oh, now... now, these
show some promise.

"Writing jingles for local
businesses, teaching guitar,

playing a piano near the
fountain at the mall."

Yeah, I could wear
something tight

and lay across the piano.

You know, it's interesting.

I-I have thought about teaching,

but never at a halfway house.

Maybe music could
make a difference

in someone else's life.

Yeah, just writing that one down

made me feel like
a better person.

So I did good, huh?

Yes. Good boy.

Arf! Treat, please.

Now, can we maybe think about
getting out of this room?

Yeah.

I mean, I'm not completely
sure what my new purpose is,

but I know what it is for today.

We...

Geez.

We... are going bed shopping,

and... and not at
that mattress store

with the mariachi band.

I-I don't think I
can face those guys.

Hi.

What do you want?

I made you some mac and cheese.

There's, uh, two
powder packets in here,

'cause you're not
driving, right?

I really don't want to hear
anything you have to say.

Well, here's the deal.

I'm not gonna say anything.

Oh, good. Then you can leave.

I am gonna say one thing.

Knew it.

Look, no matter what you think,

I would never, ever

want you to go through
something like this.

There is not one bit of
this that makes me happy.

I mean, that was
gonna be my grandkid.

It's hard for me to think
about you being so relieved

that I wasn't gonna
have the baby.

I'm having all these
crazy feelings,

even though I wasn't
planning to have a baby.

Well, yeah, I mean, you were
just starting to wrap your head

around keeping it and getting
excited about being a mom,

and then, suddenly,
that's taken away.

Well, I mean, that's got
to be hard and confusing.

I know. I-I let myself
connect with it,

and now that's gone.

And the minute I start to think

maybe it'll be easier this way,

I-I feel so guilty.

I know I, like, could
have eaten better

and rested more...

No, no, no. Don't do that.

It's not your fault, okay?

This is so common.

Remember what the doctor said?

It's like 20%.

But just the fact that you
feel like you didn't do enough

means that, one day, you're
gonna be a great mom.

Alright?

Now, it's gonna come in waves,

and when it does, you can talk,

and I will listen.

Thanks.

You're not gonna hold me
the whole time, are you?

Well, not the wholetime,
but until you fall asleep,

and then another hour or two...

unless I fall asleep,
then for the night.

I don't know what's
more suffocating...

Your love or this
dense-looking mac and cheese.

I wasgoing to ask if
you wanted to come back

to the house and
live with me again.

Really?

Yeah, but it's too late.

A half hour after you left,

I turned your room into
a scrapbooking space.

Scrapbooking?

What part of our lives
do you want to remember?

Uh, so after you
choke that down,

how about we go home?

I'd like that.

Yeah, besides, you're gonna
spend enough time in this room

when you come back after you get
knocked up by the next drifter.

Was it too soon?

Can't we just move
our new bed in?

The waterbed was our
first bed as man and wife,

and I think it's
important to commemorate

this new chapter in our lives.

Alright.

Well, seems a little much to me,

but if you want to do it, okay.

Okay, we're ready!