All language subtitles for Beavis.and.Butt-Head.S02E12.Abduction.-.Sleepover.720p.AMZN.WEBRip.x264.AAC

- * MTV *

- That is humorous, yes.
- Very humorous, yes.

- Quite jocular, yes.
- Droll, very droll, yes.

- Whimsical, yes.
Yes, quite absurd, yes.

- Quite whimsical, yes.

Priceless wit
of a satirical bit, yes.

[rock music]

* *

[intriguing
otherworldly music]

* *

- Smart Butt-Head?
- Yes, Smart Beavis.

- Why have we been called today
before the Supreme Leaders?

- Surely to reward us
for our good work

and many achievements in space.

- Perhaps they will give us
a trophy.

- Yes, the Supreme Leaders
love us

because we are smart.

- So begins the trial

of Smart Beavis
and Smart Butt-Head

for crimes against Earth 327-Z.

- This is the opposite
of what we expected.

- Our logic was in error.
- Indeed so.

- This tribunal
finds you guilty.

- Guilty.
- Guilty!

- Guilty.
- Guilty, mm-kay?

- Thoroughly at odds

with the deontological theory
of law,

as put forth
by Smart Emmanuel Kant.

- Well put, Smart Todd.

- You were supposed
to have spent

the last two years

exploring the various universes
and what have you,

but all you've done is run up
an expense account

on space nachos

and intergalactic pornography.

- In our defense,
Supreme Leader,

we were observing the universe

where Beavis and Butt-Head
are in middle age.

- Yes, at the height
of their powers.

- No one cares about that
at all.

- I mean, come on,
just listen to yourselves.

- And now, the matter
of your punishment.

- Your sentence is death,
mm-kay?

- Am I to understand

that we are definitely not
getting a trophy, then?

- Your sentence
will be suspended,

and you will be permitted
to live,

on the following condition.

- You must quit screwing around
and successfully complete

one scientific mission.

- Your mission is as follows:

you will go to Earth-1,

the planet they call
normal Earth,

and abduct a human
for scientific experiments.

- Failure will result
in disintegration, mm-kay?

- May science be with you.

[dramatic music]

- Very well.
We must abduct a human.

- Set course
for normal Earth.

- Whoopsie-daisy.

- Should we leave a space note
on their windshield?

- No.
- That was humorous.

- Quite humorous.
- Very droll indeed, yes.

[country rock music]

* *

- Who is this,
Smart Butt-Head?

- This is an Earthling
named Ronnie Dunn.

He is a singer
of country songs.

He is the best and smartest
that Earth has to offer.

He has won 27
Academy of Country Music awards

for masterworks
such as "Cost of Livin'"

and "Mama Don't Get Dressed Up
For Nothing."

- Ah, yes.

So country music
has an academy?

- Yes, they do.
Perhaps we could teach there

if they don't already have
instructors

in non-gravitational propulsion

or advanced mathematics
across fractional dimensions.

- We would instantly be
the smartest professors

at the country music academy,

for humans are stupid.

- Yes, very stupid.

Look at this one,
trying to wrestle a cow.

- Humorous, quite humorous.

- Which one is the human,
and which one is the cow?

- Ah, yes, humorous.
Quite jocular, yes.

- That one appears smarter.
He must be the cow.

- Please stop, Smart Butt-Head.
I need to catch my breath.

Yes.

- * He's walking to the left *

- I don't know why,

but this music is making me
love America.

- This video also makes me want

to worship the man
they call Jesus.

- Yes, yes indeed, yes.

- They have finally made music

for ordinary space people
like us.

- Those of us
from the heartland of space

who work hard
and deserve to unwind.

- Yes, yes.

- * Where the whiskey flows *

- I wish there was
more footage

of the females in this video.

- Yes, yes, it is a veritable
intergalactic festival

of sausage, Smart Beavis.

- Ah, yes, yes, so called

because
an intergalactic sausage

looks like a space penis,
yes, it does, yes.

- Quite humorous.

Notice the females
are becoming intoxicated.

It is part of their ritual
of scoring.

On this planet,
the slut is shamed.

- Ah, yes, yes,
quite primitive,

quite primitive.

- Yes.

Your mother is a slut.

I had non-procreational
sexual intercourse

with your mother.

- Thank you, Smart Butt-Head.

I am honored,
for on our planet,

we have realized long ago

that the slut
is not to be shamed,

but to be honored.

- Yes, and your mother
is quite honorable.

- Again, thank you,
Smart Butt-Head.

- It is said that
there are more men

that have been
inside your mother

than there are Planck lengths

in the entire diameter
of the universe.

- Let us talk more
about this video,

Smart Butt-Head,
and not of my mother.

Is this the cowboy's wife?

- I believe that it is called
a horse, Smart Beavis.

- I did not ask you
to evaluate

the wife's appearance,
Smart Butt-Head.

I'm just asking,
are they married?

- Humor detected.
- Yes, humorous.

Quite humorous.

- Yes, yes, humorous
in the way

of the belt of the borscht.

- Yes, yes,
and the mountainous region

of the Catskills.
- Yes.

[otherworldly music]

* *

- Let us now begin abducting,
Smart Beavis.

- Yes, yes, let it be so.

* *

We must find a human
to abduct, Smart Butt-Head.

- Smart Beavis, observe.

- And now, the winner

of the 35th annual
chili cook-off,

Tom Anderson.

- [laughs] Thank you.

I owe it all to my brisket.

- Observe, Smart Butt-Head.

We have arrived
on the coronation day

of their king.

How fortuitous.

- Let us seize him
and take him to our ship.

Humorous,
but also menacing, yes.

- Yes, yes, mirthful
and sinister as well, yes, yes.

[dramatic music]

- It's a hell of a chili, Tom.

- Well, thank you, Bob.

I'm just gonna go get
a couple two more beers

out of my car
to wash it down with.

[humming "The Stars
And Stripes Forever"]

[dramatic musical sting]

- Greetings, Your Majesty.

- We salute you, oh royal one.

- Well, thank you kindly.

Are you boys in one of them
fraternal organizations?

My daddy was a proud member
of the Elks Club.

Are you all Elks?

- You must come with us.
- Now, please.

- Hell, all right.

You know, I always wondered
what you gotta do

to get invited to join
the Elks in this town.

I guess you just gotta win
a chili cook-off.

- After you, Your Majesty.

- Boy, this van of yours
must be a custom job.

You do this yourself,
or have it done?

- We purchased it used
from Smart Beavis' uncle.

- Yes, yes, it had
numerous issues

he did not disclose.

- But no matter,

for you are now our captive.

[dramatic musical sting]

Huh.
- Hmm.

Is that boy gonna be
all right now?

- That was
another whoopsie-daisy.

Trying it again.

- Ah!

- Humorous.

Humorous
in a foreboding manner.

Yes, quite humorous, yes.

[dramatic music]

- Very well, Smart Beavis.

We shall now perform
scientific experiments

on this human.

- Does that mean
probe his anus?

- That is what it means,
and that is all that it means.

Prepare the machine.

- Hmm.

How many anuses
does a human have?

- I believe one.

- The machine
is fully prepared.

- Then let the science begin.

[machine whirs down]

- I think the machine
is broken, Smart Butt-Head.

- Do you know how to fix it?

- No.
Do you?

- Well, I could probably get
that working for you again.

Nine times out of ten,
what you're looking at

is a bad motor coupling.

[ratchets clicking]

Well, the capacitor seems good.
That's not it.

You know,
I don't exactly remember

who you boys are
or how I even got here.

- Yes, your memory was wiped

with a mnemulator.

- Well, I call it a case
of senioritis.

[laughs]

I ain't never seen
something like this before.

Must be made in Italy
or something.

- It is made in a universe
beyond your comprehension.

- Ah, well, then it's
probably all metric.

Oh, here's your problem.

See, this wire housing
just worked its way loose.

[blows on wire]

We just gotta tighten
that up like so.

See, you take this
into the shop,

and they see you got
a custom van from Italy,

they're gonna say it needs
all kinds of parts

and run the price up on you,

but it's just a loose housing.

[machine hums and beeps]

- So it works now?

- It sure does.

So what's this thing do anyway?

- It seals your doom.

[dramatic musical sting]

- What now?

- Incapacitate him

and attach him to the probe.

- Very well, but first,
I shall wipe his memory

with a mnemulator.

Look at this device.

You might see a bright light.

- Look at what now?

- Whoops, I missed.

- Where am I?
Who are you?

- What is your name?

- Are you boys all right?

- What is this device?

- I do not remember it.

- It seems I can fit inside it.

Yes, quite comfortable, yes.

- Do you remember
what this button does?

- I do not.
Please press it.

[machine whirs]

- Agh!
My anus.

Agh!
There is a probing of my anus.

- Sir, do you remember
how to turn this machine off?

- The device
is unfolding something.

It is expanding.
- This is quite humorous.

- Well, I don't need to join
the Elks Club that bad,

I tell you what.

That sounds like the kind
of shenanigans

they do at the Moose Lodge.

- There seems to be
an unexpected intrusion

in my anus.

Its reach was
much more further

than I had imagined.

I remember who I am now,

and it is making it worse.

My anus.

[bluesy rock music]

* *

[video game music]

- Um, Cody, you said

we could come over here
and play your game,

and we've been watching
you play

for, like, an hour. [snickers]

- I didn't say
you could play it.

I said you could see it.

- Um, what?

- It's called seeing.

You do it
with your eyes, genius.

- Damn it, Cody,
we wanna play.

- Yeah, yeah, I wanna shoot
guys in the butt.

Yeah.
[snickers]

- I don't care.
I hate you guys.

- Cody, you suck

more than anyone
has ever sucked.

- Yeah, and you suck.
- Aw.

it's so good to see
Cody is making friends.

- What friends?

- This is wonderful.

Cody, why don't you invite
your new friends

for dinner, hmm?
- But...

- Beavis, do you like
broccolini?

- Is she, like, a chick
or something?

- So you two are
Cody's new friends?

- Uh, sir, we're just here

because we wanna play
this video game.

- It's turning into such
a good year for Cody.

- I knew it would happen
sooner or later.

- Uh, no, seriously, he's,
like, kind of a butthole--

- We're gonna do
everything we can

to make it work out this time.

Dad, help me in the kitchen
a minute?

Don't have too much fun
without us. [laughs]

- Get out of my house.

- We're not leaving
until we play the video game,

you butthole.

- That's right.
Yeah. [snickers] You said.

- No matter how much
this place sucks,

we will stay
until we can shoot those guys

in the butt.

- Yeah, exactly.
[snickers]

- Okay, fine, you can shoot
one guy in the butt, then go.

- One guy in the butt each.
[chortles]

- Fine.

- Okay, then.

- Seconds for everybody.

- Mom, can Beavis and Butt-Head
go play the video game,

like, right now?

- Of course you can.

- But before we have
screen time,

what do we have?

Family time.

Does anyone see an edge piece
with a little bit of cloud?

- This sucks. [snickers]

[tranquil chime music]

* *

- Uh... hmm.

[snickers]
- [snickers]

Yeah. [laughs]

* *

Huh.

- This is the worst song
I've ever heard in my life.

[guffawing]

- Is it a song, though?

I don't think it's
a song, Butt-Head.

- Yeah, it is.

It's got, like, notes

and music or something.

- Yeah, yeah,
definitely not a song.

I think it's just, like, sounds

that are supposed to, like,
calm you down, you know?

[snickers]

- Damn it, Beavis, just sounds
can't calm you down.

You need a song
to calm you down.

- No, you don't!

It's calming me down,
and it's not a song.

What's your problem?

- My problem is,

I'm sick of sitting
next to you

being wrong all the time
about everything.

- Yeah, well, I'm sick of you

telling me I'm wrong
all the time, yeah.

I've had enough of your crap,

so shut up.

- Beavis, I will beat
the living crap out of you

if you ever talk to me
like that again.

- Oh, yeah, yeah?

Well, let me say it again,
Butt-Head.

You're wrong, and I'm tired
of you giving me crap

all the time!

You wanna do something
about it?

- Uh, yeah.

I'm gonna do this about it.

- Agh! Damn it!

- [grunts]
[blows landing]

- Shove it up your ass, you--

- [groans]
[glass shatters]

- [grunts]
- I've been waiting

a long time for this, Beavis.

- Oh, no, you don't!
No, you don't!

- Your mom is a--[groans]

- [grunts]
- [groans]

- Shut up, Butt-Head.
[blow lands]

Say one more thing
about my mom!

[fighting sounds continue]

You don't like that,
do you, huh?

[grunts]

- Beavis, I'm gonna kill you.

- Yah!
- [groans]

[blows land]
[groans]

[groans]
Don't even try that--ugh!

- Oh, no, you don't,
no, you don't!

- [groans]
- Gah!

[mutters]

* *

- Ugh. [groans]

Oh, what's that?

- Uh... [groaning]

Uh, where are we?
What happened?

[snickers]

What's that?
- Uh...

I don't know,
but this song sucks.

[chortles weakly]

- Yeah, um...

I don't think
that's a song, Butt-Head.

Yeah, definitely not a song.

- [sighs]

Damn it, Beavis.

- Oh, this is definitely
the side of the barn.

- Can Beavis and Butt-Head
just play the video game

for five minutes
so they can leave?

- Cody, you know that this time
is important

for us to connect as a family.

- Sometimes, honey, we feel

like we're just not connecting
with you like we should.

- And that's why it's important
for us to spend time

with you and your friends,

who I know are very important
to you.

- This piece looks
like it has a schlong.

- [snickering]
- [snickering]

- [laughs]
- [laughs]

Cody, you didn't tell us
your friend was a comedian.

- Uh, a what?

- "Schlong" is
age-appropriate language.

Very natural for teenagers
to be testing limits.

- Look, Beavis, your piece
fits right in here.

- Yeah, whoa!
[snickers]

Boing-oing-oing-oing-
oing-oing-oing.

- See, Cody never tells us

the cool teen lingo
like "boing."

We have to learn it
from his friends.

Boing.
- Yeah, that there's

a real nice boing.

- Mom.
- Boing-oing-oing.

- Boing-yoing-yoing.

[both laugh]

- That new teen slang
is terrific.

- Whoa.
Your mom's got wood.

- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, your dad, too, yeah.

Yeah, they're probably
gonna score.

Yeah. [snickers]

- Mom, Dad, seriously.

They have to g--
- You know what?

We're all having
such a good time.

Why don't you two
spend the night?

- That's a great idea.

Oh, it's just so much fun
that Cody has friends now.

- Mom...
- Wait, what's happening?

- We can finish the puzzle
and then play Risk.

- Or Settlers of Catan.

- And then hot cocoa
and go to bed.

- Uh, no.

We wanna play the video game.

- Yeah, yeah, we wanna shoot
guys in the butt.

Yeah. [snickers]

- You can play
all day tomorrow.

- Don't worry.

Cody's got some PJs
he's grown out of.

- Uh... this sucks.

- Yeah, really.
- I know.

- Uh, well, this sucks.

[snickers]
- Oh, God.

- Now, I know you guys
were planning

on playing video games
all day...

- Yeah, we're gonna shoot
a guy in the butt.

- But after breakfast,
let's all go down to the park

and enjoy this sunny weather.

- What?

- We just wanna give Cody
some quality time

with his new friends.

- Just leave, please.

- Sorry, Cody.

We don't like this
any more than you do,

but we cannot leave
until we play your video game.

- That's true, yeah, yeah.

I'm gonna shoot a guy
in the butt.

Yeah. [snickers]

- Usually, for breakfast,
we have unsweetened granola,

but since it's
a special occasion--

Cody made some friends--

we're having
Cody's special breakfast.

- He's so creative, he came up
with this himself.

It's Cocoa Puffs,
Count Chocula, and Sugar Smacks

with a scoop of ice cream
on top.

- It is a whole lot of sugar,
but what the heck?

- It's not every day
that Cody makes friends.

- Whoa. [laughs]

[gibbering]

- This is gonna be cool.

- [gibbering]

[ceramics breaking]
Hey!

- Philip, can I talk to you
for a second?

[crashing noises]
- [snickering]

- I hate to say this...
- I know.

- But Cody's so shy.

It's good for him to be friends
with someone so expressive

and theatrical, like Beavis.

- Exactly.

It could really bring him
out of his shell.

- He's an only child,
and it's just good for him

to be around an extrovert,
you know?

Oh, maybe he'll join
theater club.

- [gibbering]

- Exactly.
Beavis is a good influence.

- I am Cornholio!

I need TP for my bunghole.
[snickering]

- Cody needs this.
- [gibbering]

- Mom, Dad,
you gotta do something.

- We know, sweetie.

We know what we have to do.

- We need to start listening
to you better

and respect your choice
of friends.

- What?
- Ooh!

[gibbering]

- Hey, Beavis?
- Ah!

- I just want you to know,
we hear you.

I'm Cornholio too.

- And we're always here
if you and your friends

want to rap about TP
and bungholes

or substance abuse
or just whatever.

- Are you threatening me?

- Not at all, man.

Boing.
- Boing-oing-oing.

- Broccolini!
[chortling]

I have broccolini
in my bunghole.

[gibbering]

- [snickering]

I'm gonna go ahead
and borrow this.

See you later.

- You will give me
all your broccolini!

- Are your friends leaving?

- Well, their parents
probably want them home

on Saturday morning.

- I can't wait to meet them.

I bet they're really bunghole.

- I need broccolini
for my bunghole.

Broccolini!

- I knew he liked
that broccolini.

- [gibbering]

[gibbering]

You will not disrespect
my bunghole!

[rock music]

[bluesy rock music]

* *

[chiming noises]

- Chirp.