All language subtitles for 30.Rock.S05E16.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE.SDH

- Wonderful news, non-famouses.

My publicist just
called from rehab.

I made the Internet.

- You're on joanofsnark.com?

- On what?
- Joanofsnark.

It's this really cool
feminist web site

where women talk
about how far we've come

and which celebrities have
the worst beach bodies.

Ruth bader ginsburg!

- "Comedy's freshest
female voice."

Take that, Courtney
Thorne-Smith.

- That's not about you.

That's about some
stand-up named Abby Flynn.

- Wow.
- Lady.

- Pretty nostrils.

- How do I find me?

Computer, "Jenna"!

- Oh, here's your article.

"Why does 'TGS' hate women?"

- What? How can they say that?

We love women.

With Tracy gone, our
last episode was all Jenna.

- This is Amelia earhart.

I'm almost across the pacific...

Oh, no. My period!

[Plane descends]

I'll now take questions.

Oh, no. My period!

Let's nuke england!

- But that is an
ironic reappropriation.

[Sighs] I don't know anymore.

This started as a show
for women, starring women.

At the very least, we
should be elevating

the way women are
perceived in society.

Oh, my period!

You're all fired!

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Jack.

Do you think I hate women?

- Absolutely. But
it's not your fault.

You are genetically predisposed

to compete against other women

for the attention of strong,
powerful men like myself

or others very similar to me.

For example, Hercules,

the highlander, or, uh... God.

- I want to roll my
eyes right now,

but the doctor said
if I keep doing it

my ocular muscles might spasm

and eject my eyeballs.

- Female jealousy is an
evolutionary fact, Lemon.

If you try to breed
it out of them,

you end up with a
lesbian with hip dysplasia.

- You're wrong. I support women.

I'm like a human bra,

which is why I want
to hire a young comic

named Abby Flynn to
come on as a guest writer.

- No, you are not budgeted...

She's got good energy.
Hire her immediately.

- See?

I'm not threatened by the fact

that men are attracted to her.

- [Chuckles] Please, Lemon.

It's got nothing to do
with her hot mouth.

Every organization
needs new blood

once in a while.

Like Hank Hooper
says in his book,

"new blood is the lifeblood
of every company's blood."

He's not a strong writer.

- Hank Hooper.

Isn't that the guy who
outbid no one for NBC?

- Yes, he's the
CEO of Kabletown,

but he won't be forever.

And someday, when he steps down,

I intend to succeed him.

- Well, believe in yourself
and you will reach your goals.

I read that on a bottle of
women's exercise water.

- Ah, it's not so simple.

Kabletown is a
family-owned company.

There is a potential successor,

so to get what I want,

I must find a way
to destroy her.

- Her? It's a woman?

- Well, not exactly.

- Hi, I'm Kaylie Hooper.

I'm 14 years old
and I'm waiting in line

to meet Justin
bieber 'cause he's...

[screaming]

- I'm sorry.

Your new rival is
a ninth grade girl?

How old is Hank's wife?

Is it a second marriage?

Why do men always
marry someone younger?

"Because they can, Liz."

- Get a grip, Lemon.

Kaylie is Hank
Hooper's granddaughter.

Her parents' generation was lost

to "trust fund kids" disease.

The aunt smokes
pot and "paints."

The father is trying to sail

an inflatable castle
across the Atlantic.

I have to ensure that
Kaylie makes similar choices.

- So you're trying to
destroy a 14-year-old?

- I am trying to
guide a 14-year-old.

Maybe I could help her
realize some other life goal.

To become a doctor's nurse

or a lawyer's mistress

or even the president
of the United States

shopping association.

- Wow. Typical.

Meanwhile, I'm helping
women achieve their potential.

Because potential is
the difference between

what you can't do
and what can't you do.

- Did you get that
off of a water bottle?

- No, I sent it in, but
Aquafem did not choose it.

- Okay.

Word is this Abby Flynn
thing is really happening.

- Girl coming!

- This is a big
opportunity for us.

She does not know
how much we suck.

- But she'll find
out soon enough.

I mean, how long did it
take the women here?

- I don't know.

How long does it
take to see something?

I mean, light travels at
186,000 miles per second, so...

- no duh!

Being ourselves doesn't work.

So to have a chance with Abby,

we're creating new identities.

I'm going to be
pretend to be rich.

- And I'll be a
dangerous bad boy.

- [British accent]
And I shall be British.

[Normal voice] 'Cause
chicks dig British guys.

Sir Ian mckellen?

That dude must be
knee-deep in boob.

- And if you guys
don't go along with this,

Lutz will play Xbox Kinect
with his shirt off again.

- Star jump! I
found the chrysalis!

- Rich, bad boy,
British. Got it.

- Nice!
- All right!

Yeah!
- Hey, yeah!

- Now, you may have
heard of J. Fred Muggs,

the chimpanzee that was on
The Today Show in the '50s.

But what most people don't know

is that NBC is still a network.

- Speaking of television,

is that a field you would
like to go into, Kaylie?

Work with your grandfather?

- Mmm.

- I agree.

TV is boring.

So do you have a favorite
subject in school, Kaylie?

- You don't want to
hear about school.

[Chuckles] It's dumb.

- What you talkin'
'bout, Kaylie?

School's cool.

Just like Justin "bee-eye-bear."

- Well, I've never told anyone
in my family this before,

but my dream is to
be a marine biologist.

My favorite fish is
the cleaner wrasse

and I even tried
to get it chosen

as our school mascot,
but, well, I was outvoted.

So our new mascot is a slut.

- So you're interested
in marine biology.

Hmm. Who do I know?

You've probably never heard
of the explorer Bob Ballard.

- [Gasps] You know Dr. Ballard?

He discovered the
Titanic, the lusitania,

and according to his website,

a guilt-free cheesecake recipe.

- I'm also on the board
of the American museum

of natural history.

- Ah!

- If you like, I could
have Dr. Ballard

give us a private
tour of the museum.

- Oh, my gosh!

Mr. Donaghy, that'd be so cool!

- Okay, now, please follow
me to Brian Williams' bathroom,

which is also J.
Fred Muggs' skull.

- Okay, guys, Abby
is on her way up.

- [British accent] West
ham Drew nil-nil at wolves?

- Stop that!

Are you guys changing
your personalities for Abby?

- Is she here yet?

- Subhas, you are married.

Okay, this is exactly the
kind of male douchebaggery

that is about to take
a real hit around here.

Don't you know I'm
talkin' 'bout a femolution?

Tracy Chapman.

She's a woman, right?

It's a new era at "TGS."

Let's see the
blogosphere try to say

that I hate women now.

- [Gasps]

Look at all these dudes!

I knew I smelled sausage.

- Yes!

- Abby? I'm Liz.

- Liz!

Thank you! Oh!

Our nips just touched.

[Giggles] Mine are so hard.

- Mine are different sizes.

Abby, these are the writers.

- Oh, where's little
Abby gonna sit?

Guess I'll have to sit
on somebody's lap.

- You could sit there.

- Eenie...
- Please god.

- Meenie...
- Come to mommy.

- Minie...
- Me. Pick me.

- Moe!
[Giggles]

- Give me strength, oh, Oprah.

- When I first
started working here,

an eight-year-old Shirley temple

taught me how
to roll a cigarette.

- Lemon, who thinks
gesturing with one's thumbs

is for poor people and is going
to be the next CEO of Kabletown?

This guy.

- Already? What
did you do to her?

- Nothing.

She wants to be
a marine biologist.

Kaylie is playing
right into my hands.

I also had a youthful
fascination with exploration

and I know exactly
what any 14-year-old

science geek wants to do.

Practice frottage on a
poster of Linda Ronstadt

and meet your idol.

Like when I met
Jacques cousteau.

I will never forget
what he said to me.

Oh, I did forget.

It was so long ago.

- When I was a
kid, I got to meet

the "where's the beef" lady.

- With my connections, I can
make Kaylie's dreams come true.

I should dig up my old shell
collection and give it to her.

Complete the seduction
after Bob Ballard and I

double-team her.

- Word choice, Jack.

- Withdrawn.

Lemon, is that the
new woman you hired?

- Is it cold in here
or is it just that

I'm not wearing any underwear?

[Giggles]

- She should be
careful around the crew.

New York gives us a tax break

for employing sex offenders.

It's a terrible program.
- What's that?

Oh, I don't know. Is it a stain?

Nobody knows.

- What is that?

- Ow. That is Abby Flynn.

She's a guest writer.

- She's being hot
and doing baby talk?

I invented that.

Summer of '98,

I took it to a whole new level.

[Cooing]

There can't be two of us, Liz.

She must be destroyed.

- Uh-huh. I don't
know how I got here.

- No, Jenna. That is
exactly the problem.

Men infantilize women and
women tear each other down.

- Exactly.

I'll start by spreading a
destructive rumor about her

like the famous one I made
up about Jamie Lee Curtis.

[Whispers] That
she has two butts.

- Look, you and I actually
want the same thing,

but we're not
gonna destroy Abby.

We're gonna fix her.

- Yes, like you fix a dog.

We'll sterilize her.

- No, I'm gonna show
Abby that she doesn't need

to act like this.

- Hi. I'm Jack. It's
nice to meet you.

- Hi. I'm Abby. Hi.

[Laughter]

- Ugh. Whatever.

- So what do you think, Kaylie?

Oceanography's
a pretty cool life.

- I can't believe I'm talking
to Dr. Robert Ballard.

- You're not. "Bob"
is short for "Bobert."

- Oh.

[Gasps] Oh, my gosh.

An anglerfish.

- Lophius pisca torius.

That was my
favorite fish as a boy.

Look at those teeth.

- You know that's a female.

The male is much smaller
and is basically a parasite

that lives on her.

- Until mating, of course.
Then the male dies.

- Yes, the scientific
term for that is "marriage."

[Chuckles]

Don't tell Gina I said that.

- The ocean really is
the final frontier, Kaylie.

And we keep finding new things.

Giant tube worms that
breathe hydrogen sulfide.

Arctic jellyfish. Oh!

And a chemical in
kelp that scientists think

might one day cure
ice cream headaches.

There's so much
left to discover.

And you could
be the one to do it.

I kind of envy you.

- Youngsters are the future
of ocean exploration, Kaylie.

I mean, I'm not
gonna live forever,

no matter how much
gold I give Poseidon.

That's why I'm making
you a student argonaut.

- [Gasps]

I can't believe
this is happening!

[Shrieks]

- You already speak dolphin.

Excellent.

- Is there an age cutoff
for the student argonauts?

What if you gave me
a sticker as a joke?

- [Chuckles]

- You know, Mr. Donaghy, it...

It seems you
really love this stuff.

Maybe you should have
been a deep-sea explorer.

- Oh, no, Kaylie.

That was a boyhood fantasy.

I'm an adult now.

I don't have fantasies anymore.

- Kaylie, this way.

- [Sighs]

There she is, men.

The elusive
northern right whale.

♪ Oh blow the wind westerly ♪

♪ let the wind blow ♪

♪ oh derry hi derry ♪

♪ hey derry ho ♪

- Jack? Jack?

- Yes, sailor? What is it?

- We're moving on.

- Hey, Liz!

- Abby, thanks for
meeting me here.

This place is
very special to me.

- Is this where you got
your v-card punched?

- What? No.

Does this look like the makeup
room of a clown academy?

No, this is a statue...

And I know you know
this... Of Eleanor Roosevelt.

First lady to the world,

champion of the rights of women,

and the lid on my
high school lunch box.

Look, I know it can be hard.

Society puts a lot
of pressure on us

to act a certain way.

But "TGS" is a safe place,

so you can drop
the sexy baby act

and lose the pigtails...

- but I like my pigtails.

My uncle says they're sexy.

- Enough with the gross jokes.

And that voice!

I want you to talk
in your real voice.

- This is my real voice.

And the whole sexy
baby thing isn't an act.

I'm a very sexy baby.

I can't help it if men
are attracted to me.

Like that homeless guy.

He likes what he sees.

- Okay. That could be for me.

- It's not! It's for her!

- Abby, I'm trying to help you.
- Really?

By judging me on my
appearance and the way I talk?

And what's the
difference between me

using my sexuality and you
using those glasses to look smart?

- [Scoffs] I am smart.

I placed out of freshman German.

- Or Lutz using that
sexy English accent

to get me in the sack?

- No! You didn't! Lutz?

Is that even possible?

I mean, I was there
when he belvedered.

God, Abby, you can't be that
desperate for male attention.

- You know what, Liz?

I don't have to
explain myself to you.

My life is none
of your business.

- Except it is because
you represent my show

and you represent my
gender in this business

and you embarrass me.

- Kiss!

- Dude, I am sorry,
but this is who I am.

Deal with it.

Now are we gonna
give the gentleman

what he asked for or not?

- Ugh.

- Kenneth, when I'm gone,

how do you think
people will remember me?

- Actually, sir, I've
already started to compose

a heroic ballad
commemorating your life.

♪ Slaves of Jesus ♪

♪ hear my tale ♪

- I'll tell you
what they'll say.

"Hey, remember Jack Donaghy?

"He wore a lot of suits and
went to a lot of meetings.

Now power down,
conversation robot."

- Sounds like you're asking
some pretty big questions.

When I have
problems, I like to talk

to the man upstairs.

Unfortunately,
Mr. Guzelian got put in jail

for attacking his father.

- I mean, what are we
put on this earth to do?

Sit behind a desk?

I'm still young, Kenneth.

I could devote the time I
have left to other interests.

Let Kaylie run Kabletown.

I'll join Ballard's
group and become

a scientist-adventurer.

Now, that... [Chuckles]

Would be a legacy.

- I hope my legacy is a
sesame streettype TV show

that promotes
illiteracy in girls.

- This could be me.

"Remember Jack Donaghy?

"He was the world's
greatest oceanographer.

"And we walruses
owe him everything

for giving us the
gift of language."

No.

- All right, your
time is up, my friend.

I'm taking control of
this Abby situation.

- No, Jenna. I'm not done.

Check this out.

- I'm thinking to myself,
"whatever happened

to the erasable pen?"

Besides pencils, who's
saying that's a bad idea?

- I've always thought that,

but I never had the
courage to say it.

- Is that Abby?

I knew her boobs were fake.

And that baby voice is fake too.

You know, as someone
who speaks very naturally,

I'm offended.

- She's taken on a
whole new identity.

She changed her nose, her teeth.

She even changed her name.

It's not Abby Flynn.
It's Abby Grossman.

- Well, that's understandable.

I mean, "Grossman"
is a little bagel-y.

- Abby used to be a strong,
smart, beautiful woman.

Why did she transform
herself into that baby hooker?

- [Quietly] Oh.

Children's book
idea: Baby hooker.

Don't tell Liz.

- Well, I am confronting
Abby with this

in front of everybody.

- Oh, that's vicious.

Forget my idea.
Yours is so elegant.

- No, Jenna, for the last time,

we're helping her.

- Say no more.

Gotcha, boss.

- [Sighs]

- Who else is on the call?

- Katherine Scott, sales.

- Andy hoberman, web sales.

- Gil coughlin, oversight.

- I've got everyone
from meeting planning.

Tricia, Maria, Greg,
Greg p., Lyle, Edwin.

- This is Charles.
I'm on for Douglas.

- No, Charles. I'm
on, but I just dialed in.

- [Gasps]

- [Chuckles]

Mr. Donaghy.

What are you doing here?

- I could ask you
the same thing,

but that would make no sense.

- [Chuckles]

- Where did you get
this picture of cousteau?

- That?

The Internet.

- This picture exists
in only two places.

The negative is in
my personal safe

along with my will and
some beanie babies

that I thought would
be worth more.

Or it could be found
in the right book.

- Ugh!

- Hey, what are you doing?

- Quiet, chalk-hands.

A real man is talking.

Why do you have this, Kaylie?

Why are you reading
my autobiography?

- Well, uh...

Same reason you're
reading pop-pop's book.

Researching the enemy.

- So it's true.

I was trying to make
you think you didn't want

to run Kabletown, while you
were doing the same thing to me.

- What a super sleuth.
[Gasps]

You're just like Vanessa from

the "vampire
detective mysteries."

- I'm not familiar
with that reference,

but I assume that Vanessa
is some kind of cool genius.

You don't even like
the ocean, do you?

- I hate the
ocean. It's for tools.

- The ocean's awesome
and for winners.

You're for tools.

- You can't beat
me, Mr. Donaghy!

You worked your
way into this world,

but I... I was born into it.

I breathe it. [Inhales]

So watch your step.

[Childlike voice] 'Cause
I can always tell pop-pop

you gave me alcohol.

- And I can always
seduce one of your teachers

and get her to fail you.

- I'd be into that.
- Me too.

[Bell rings]

- Better pick up your books
or you'll be late for class.

- This is my free period.

- Well played.

- Megan, books!

[Sighs]

- You know what sucked
about my last lesbian orgy?

Right in the middle of it,

one of us had to get up
to go use the bathroom

and then we all had to go!

- Okay, there's something
everyone here needs to see.

Abby, you might want
to sit down for this.

- Yeah, come sit
on my struikgewas.

- On a chair. Come on, Sue.

Abby, this is for your own good.

Open apple, tough love time.

- Has anyone ever actually
had a good time at brunch?

You know...
- Is that you?

- I don't know
where you found that,

but I am taking it down.

[Giggles]

That's what she said!

- Hey, first of all,
Steve Carell owns

"that's what she said."

He owns it.

And second of all,
it's time to stop hiding.

A young person helped
me online post this

on joanofsnark.com.

- [Normal voice] You
stupid, meddling bitch!

- Yes! There's your real voice.

There's Abby Grossman.

To quote Eleanor Roosevelt,

[imitating Eleanor
Roosevelt] "We are all..."

- Do you understand
what you've done?

You have signed
my death warrant.

- How's that now?

- My ex-husband
is gonna see this.

He's gonna find out where I am

and he is gonna
try to run me over

with his car again.

I changed my appearance
to get away from him!

- Oh, 'cause I
thought it was, like,

pressure from society.

- You're right, Liz.

I was hiding from a man

who went insane
after being electrocuted

while watching
sleeping with the enemy

- I was cut out of that.

- Oh, yeah, I am
desperate for male attention,

because I feel safer
having men around

in case Troy comes back.

That is why I slept with Lutz.

- And I shall protect her.

- Is there an Abby Flynn here?

- That's her, Troy!

I'm on your side! Get her!

- Geez, Lutz. It's the ups guy.

- Okay, I think we all
owe Abby an apology.

- Oh, my god. It's from him.

"I thought this box
would be the perfect size

"for your head.

P.S. I was electrocuted
again while watching seven."

Great.

I have six hours
to start a new life.

I'll have to be a
redhead this time.

- Oh, I don't know,
with your coloring.

You know what?
Don't listen to me.

- You must really
hate women, Liz.

Liz Lemon is a Judas
to all womankind!

- Okay.

We were on page six...

Where wonder woman...

Gets her period.

- Tonight's tag is
gonna be a nice

wrap-up scene
between Jack and Liz.

After all, they spent
the whole episode

trying to help young women.

But, first, I would
like to correct

some of the science
we saw tonight.

There is no oil in kelp that
helps cure ice cream headaches.

No, the only thing that will
cure ice cream headaches

is having sex on a motorcycle.

Kaylie was not speaking dolphin.

When a dolphin
expresses excitement,

it sounds like this.

[Dolphin clicks and whistles]

Okay, we've had
a lot of fun tonight

and it's not over.

In the time remaining,
we're gonna go

to that Jack and Liz wrap-up
scene I promised you.

- Well, Lemon...