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1
00:00:05,088 --> 00:00:07,299
- Listen up, everyone,
2
00:00:07,591 --> 00:00:08,735
I have an announcement to make.
3
00:00:08,759 --> 00:00:09,801
As you may have heard,
4
00:00:10,093 --> 00:00:11,470
Carol and I broke up last week.
5
00:00:11,762 --> 00:00:14,223
- Hang on. Why
do you have a cat...
6
00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:15,516
And a Fanny pack?
7
00:00:15,807 --> 00:00:16,808
And your ponytail,
8
00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:18,685
it's being held
up by a chip clip.
9
00:00:18,977 --> 00:00:20,038
- Because I'm giving up, Jenna.
10
00:00:20,062 --> 00:00:21,104
I did the math.
11
00:00:21,396 --> 00:00:23,357
How many times does a
woman meet Mr. Right?
12
00:00:23,649 --> 00:00:24,858
I've had three chances...
13
00:00:25,150 --> 00:00:25,859
Floyd, then Carol,
14
00:00:26,151 --> 00:00:28,111
and I was once in an
elevator with Tom Brokaw,
15
00:00:28,403 --> 00:00:29,488
and I blew all three...
16
00:00:29,780 --> 00:00:31,156
Opportunities!
17
00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:33,116
So I am making my
graceful transition
18
00:00:33,408 --> 00:00:34,451
into spinsterhood.
19
00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:36,370
I have adopted this cat,
20
00:00:36,662 --> 00:00:38,288
named her Emily Dickinson...
21
00:00:38,580 --> 00:00:39,289
- Oh, come on!
22
00:00:39,581 --> 00:00:41,750
- Named her Emily Dickinson.
23
00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:44,169
- Lemon, a word.
24
00:00:44,461 --> 00:00:46,088
Hang on.
25
00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:48,215
Recent breakup, Fanny pack, cat?
26
00:00:48,507 --> 00:00:50,842
Quick. Who is the
lead character on NCIS?
27
00:00:51,134 --> 00:00:52,294
- Special agent Jethro Gibbs.
28
00:00:52,344 --> 00:00:53,845
- In your office, now.
29
00:00:54,137 --> 00:00:55,639
- What's the point,
Jack? I'm done.
30
00:00:55,931 --> 00:00:57,492
I took the money I was
saving for my honeymoon,
31
00:00:57,516 --> 00:00:58,809
and I bought a cemetery plot.
32
00:00:59,101 --> 00:01:00,101
I also joined a book club
33
00:01:00,143 --> 00:01:01,853
at the senior center
near my home.
34
00:01:02,145 --> 00:01:04,106
We're reading murder
on the orient express.
35
00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:06,038
- You know there's
a movie of that, right?
36
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:07,067
- I did not.
37
00:01:07,359 --> 00:01:09,444
- I want to help you, Lemon,
38
00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:10,862
but this is not the week.
39
00:01:11,154 --> 00:01:12,632
Avery's maternity
leave was cut short,
40
00:01:12,656 --> 00:01:13,976
so she could go
cover the collapse
41
00:01:14,116 --> 00:01:15,284
of Greece's banking system.
42
00:01:15,576 --> 00:01:16,994
Since inventing democracy,
43
00:01:17,286 --> 00:01:19,496
those guys have been coasting.
44
00:01:19,788 --> 00:01:21,206
- So you're all
alone with baby Liz?
45
00:01:21,498 --> 00:01:23,333
- We're calling her
Liddy, after Liddy dole,
46
00:01:23,625 --> 00:01:24,251
G. Gordon Liddy,
47
00:01:24,543 --> 00:01:26,545
and my martial
arts instructor Li Di.
48
00:01:26,837 --> 00:01:29,131
In addition, I have a huge
presentation coming up.
49
00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:30,966
Meeting magazine
is already calling it
50
00:01:31,258 --> 00:01:32,818
"the first great
meeting of the decade."
51
00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:34,093
I have to be at my best.
52
00:01:34,344 --> 00:01:36,430
I'm negotiating NBC's
licensing fees with Kabletown.
53
00:01:36,722 --> 00:01:38,762
- But aren't NBC and Kabletown
the same company now?
54
00:01:38,974 --> 00:01:40,827
That seems like a pretty
big conflict of interest.
55
00:01:40,851 --> 00:01:42,731
Why would the government
even allow that merger?
56
00:01:42,978 --> 00:01:43,604
- It's okay. Don't worry.
57
00:01:43,895 --> 00:01:45,564
You just keep
watching Bridalplasty
58
00:01:45,856 --> 00:01:47,649
- Alysinna died last week.
59
00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:50,777
[Cell phone buzzes]
60
00:01:51,069 --> 00:01:52,229
- Oh, damn it, I didn't leave
61
00:01:52,404 --> 00:01:53,989
my baby nurse her
check this morning.
62
00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:55,824
I have to go back
home and pay her.
63
00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:57,356
- Right now?
- It's complicated.
64
00:01:57,576 --> 00:01:59,578
These women run your household,
65
00:01:59,870 --> 00:02:00,579
so you have to keep them happy,
66
00:02:00,871 --> 00:02:02,164
which means not saying anything
67
00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,541
as your DVR fills up with
Trinidadian soap operas.
68
00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:06,585
But as soon as I'm out
of the woods, Lemon,
69
00:02:06,877 --> 00:02:10,380
I'll take care of this
latest dysfunction.
70
00:02:10,672 --> 00:02:11,774
- There's nothing
to take care of, Jack.
71
00:02:11,798 --> 00:02:13,091
Watch this.
72
00:02:13,383 --> 00:02:14,944
I can fit Emily Dickinson's
whole head in my mouth.
73
00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:16,303
- No.
74
00:02:16,595 --> 00:02:19,514
[Exciting jazz music]
75
00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:26,104
♪ ♪
76
00:02:34,363 --> 00:02:35,697
- Oh, hey, Pete, what's up?
77
00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:37,429
- Well, nobody told
the musical guest
78
00:02:37,532 --> 00:02:38,533
that Tracy's in Africa,
79
00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:39,969
so all their instruments
got delivered
80
00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:41,119
even though there's no show.
81
00:02:41,411 --> 00:02:43,455
Rock stars, man.
82
00:02:43,747 --> 00:02:45,165
People screaming your name,
83
00:02:45,457 --> 00:02:47,584
hot women throwing
themselves at you.
84
00:02:47,876 --> 00:02:49,086
- Living on a bus.
85
00:02:49,378 --> 00:02:50,378
- Ha.
86
00:02:50,545 --> 00:02:53,632
I had all that once...
87
00:02:53,924 --> 00:02:55,717
For three months
back in the early '80s.
88
00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:58,512
- Really? What band were you in?
89
00:02:58,804 --> 00:03:02,516
- ♪ Everybody's workin'
for the weekend ♪
90
00:03:02,808 --> 00:03:05,519
♪ ♪
91
00:03:05,811 --> 00:03:06,478
- What?
92
00:03:06,770 --> 00:03:07,979
- Yep. I was in Loverboy.
93
00:03:08,271 --> 00:03:08,980
But then I had to choose
94
00:03:09,272 --> 00:03:10,291
between staying in the band
95
00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:11,635
or taking that
college scholarship
96
00:03:11,775 --> 00:03:13,026
to study TV budgeting.
97
00:03:13,318 --> 00:03:15,112
- Mmm.
- I made my choice.
98
00:03:15,404 --> 00:03:17,364
That part of my life is over.
99
00:03:17,656 --> 00:03:19,408
- Hey, it's never too late.
100
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:22,077
- What did you just say?
101
00:03:22,369 --> 00:03:24,913
♪ It's never too late ♪
102
00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:28,792
♪ it's never too late for now ♪
103
00:03:30,669 --> 00:03:33,588
[Plays piano chord] ♪
yesterday's dreams are gone ♪
104
00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:37,050
♪ but today I'm
singin' this song ♪
105
00:03:37,342 --> 00:03:39,678
Both: ♪ 'cause
it's never too late ♪
106
00:03:39,970 --> 00:03:42,973
♪ it's never too late for now ♪
107
00:03:44,349 --> 00:03:45,389
- We need to start a band.
108
00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:46,935
- I think we just did.
109
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:50,355
- I'm sorry you had
to wait for this, Sherry.
110
00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:51,967
I hope there was
enough shark meat
111
00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:55,318
in the refrigerator for
one of your sandwiches.
112
00:03:55,610 --> 00:03:57,738
Hold on, this is the same amount
113
00:03:58,029 --> 00:03:59,709
I was paying you when
you worked full time,
114
00:03:59,990 --> 00:04:01,700
and now you're
just working nights.
115
00:04:01,992 --> 00:04:03,160
- It's my hourly rate.
116
00:04:03,452 --> 00:04:05,537
- You understand my confusion.
117
00:04:05,829 --> 00:04:07,497
I'm actually paying
you more money
118
00:04:07,789 --> 00:04:09,916
to be here half the time.
119
00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:13,545
I'm not saying that what
you do isn't important.
120
00:04:13,837 --> 00:04:14,917
Avery and I appreciate you,
121
00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:16,882
and Liddy just adores you.
122
00:04:17,174 --> 00:04:18,884
But let's just say
you're at the market,
123
00:04:19,176 --> 00:04:20,635
buying potatoes.
124
00:04:20,927 --> 00:04:23,680
And that ten-pound
bag of potatoes costs...
125
00:04:23,972 --> 00:04:25,223
$400.
126
00:04:25,515 --> 00:04:28,685
But then the, uh,
grocery concierge
127
00:04:28,977 --> 00:04:30,854
tells you that a
five-pound bag of potatoes
128
00:04:31,146 --> 00:04:31,688
costs $400.
129
00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:33,607
Well, that would
be shocking, right?
130
00:04:33,899 --> 00:04:37,694
Because a five-pound
bag should only cost $200.
131
00:04:37,986 --> 00:04:40,447
What I'm saying is that
we value what you do,
132
00:04:40,739 --> 00:04:44,618
but this rate is,
uh, unreasonable.
133
00:04:48,413 --> 00:04:50,707
- So, what you wan' do?
134
00:04:50,999 --> 00:04:56,546
- I want to resolve
this fairly and amicably.
135
00:04:56,838 --> 00:05:02,636
And I don't want
any bad blood, so...
136
00:05:02,928 --> 00:05:04,513
It was nice
negotiating with you,
137
00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:07,974
and, uh, here is
all of your money.
138
00:05:15,398 --> 00:05:17,192
- A repulsive murderer
139
00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:21,154
has been murdered.
140
00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:24,407
But in which of the two ways
141
00:05:24,699 --> 00:05:25,700
that I have suggested?
142
00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:28,328
In the simpler
way by the mafioso
143
00:05:28,620 --> 00:05:30,914
disguised as a
wagon-lit conductor?
144
00:05:31,206 --> 00:05:32,206
[Cat meows]
145
00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:35,794
Or in the more complex way...
146
00:05:36,086 --> 00:05:37,170
- Liz, enough!
147
00:05:37,462 --> 00:05:38,773
I am not gonna just
sit and watch you
148
00:05:38,797 --> 00:05:39,881
plummet into spinsterhood.
149
00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:41,317
- Why are you talking so fast?
150
00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:41,883
- Because I'm upset!
151
00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:43,175
Also I've been taking
152
00:05:43,218 --> 00:05:45,029
these new czechoslovakian
organ-slimming pills.
153
00:05:45,053 --> 00:05:46,373
They contain a
little bit of meth,
154
00:05:46,596 --> 00:05:48,156
which is something
my body needs anyway.
155
00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:50,021
Listen, I'm not gonna
let you wallow like this.
156
00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:53,103
I am taking you out so
you can rebound... Sexually.
157
00:05:53,395 --> 00:05:54,395
- What? No.
158
00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:55,684
- Now, when I'm rebounding,
159
00:05:55,772 --> 00:05:57,132
I like to do it with
an NBA player,
160
00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,734
because it's fun wordplay
and they're mean.
161
00:06:00,026 --> 00:06:02,237
- Well, thank you for
that disgusting offer,
162
00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:03,714
but I will be in
editing all night,
163
00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:05,418
putting together "the
best of Tracy Jordan"
164
00:06:05,532 --> 00:06:06,592
to replace this week's show,
165
00:06:06,616 --> 00:06:08,076
so can't go out. Too bad.
166
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:08,952
- Well, I'm not giving up.
167
00:06:09,244 --> 00:06:10,564
I didn't give up
when Eric Roberts
168
00:06:10,829 --> 00:06:12,873
abandoned me in the
desert, and I won't now.
169
00:06:13,164 --> 00:06:13,790
No judgment, Liz.
170
00:06:14,082 --> 00:06:16,668
Mr. Roberts thought I was dead.
171
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:17,961
- Oh.
172
00:06:18,253 --> 00:06:20,797
Both: ♪ it's never
too late for now ♪
173
00:06:21,089 --> 00:06:22,299
- Two, three...
174
00:06:22,591 --> 00:06:23,871
Both: ♪ it's never too late... ♪
175
00:06:23,925 --> 00:06:25,051
- There you are.
- Great.
176
00:06:25,343 --> 00:06:26,761
You just ruined
a really boss take.
177
00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:28,114
- We're recording a song called
178
00:06:28,138 --> 00:06:29,347
it's never too la te for now.
179
00:06:29,639 --> 00:06:32,601
It's about that delicious
little mystery I call life.
180
00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:33,977
- Oh, my god, that sucks.
181
00:06:34,269 --> 00:06:35,509
Come on. We gotta go to editing.
182
00:06:35,687 --> 00:06:36,927
- No, I'm not going to editing.
183
00:06:37,063 --> 00:06:39,691
I'm in here shredding away
like a righteous ax master,
184
00:06:39,983 --> 00:06:41,359
and my arthritis is acting up.
185
00:06:41,651 --> 00:06:42,691
Do you have any ibuprofen?
186
00:06:42,819 --> 00:06:44,654
- Uh, my Fanny
pack is in my office
187
00:06:44,946 --> 00:06:46,698
in my mini-fridge.
188
00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:48,491
I like my tampons to be cold.
189
00:06:48,783 --> 00:06:50,535
I'll be downstairs.
190
00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:52,537
- Wait. "Hornberger-Rossitano"?
191
00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:54,289
Why is your name first?
192
00:06:54,581 --> 00:06:55,600
- It's alphabetical. So what?
193
00:06:55,624 --> 00:06:56,664
- So I'm the one who said,
194
00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:57,750
"it's never too late."
195
00:06:58,001 --> 00:06:59,044
I invented that.
196
00:06:59,336 --> 00:07:00,688
- When we get up at
the grammys, I talk!
197
00:07:00,712 --> 00:07:01,713
Not you!
198
00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:04,299
- Welcome to
Brokeblack Mountain.
199
00:07:04,591 --> 00:07:05,591
[Telephone rings]
200
00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,000
- You need to go black, Marty!
201
00:07:07,218 --> 00:07:09,262
- This is loz...
Liz. This is Liz.
202
00:07:09,554 --> 00:07:11,348
- Lemon, I am supposed
to represent NBC
203
00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:13,475
in a negotiation
that Rex belcher
204
00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:15,936
of the American journal of
meetings rated four chairs.
205
00:07:16,227 --> 00:07:17,479
Four.
206
00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:19,851
- I'm sorry. Is that another
magazine about meetings?
207
00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:21,466
- Meanwhile, I just
got worked over
208
00:07:21,733 --> 00:07:23,526
by my Trinidadian night nurse.
209
00:07:23,818 --> 00:07:25,654
I made every mistake
you can in a negotiation.
210
00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:27,614
I spoke first, I smiled,
211
00:07:27,906 --> 00:07:29,407
I negotiated with myself.
212
00:07:29,699 --> 00:07:31,419
If I had done that
during a mock negotiation
213
00:07:31,701 --> 00:07:32,701
in business school,
214
00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:34,454
professor Widmer
would have spanked me
215
00:07:34,746 --> 00:07:36,998
in front of the whole
class, bare bottom.
216
00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:39,518
- Okay, but it's harder with
someone like a nanny, right?
217
00:07:39,542 --> 00:07:41,044
There's an emotional component.
218
00:07:41,336 --> 00:07:42,438
She takes care of your baby.
219
00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:45,465
- Lemon, you just had a
structural, analytic insight.
220
00:07:45,757 --> 00:07:47,197
Professor Widmer
would have given you
221
00:07:47,425 --> 00:07:48,468
a "good job" spanking.
222
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:50,136
- What is business school?
223
00:07:50,428 --> 00:07:51,930
- The reason Sherry
can manipulate me
224
00:07:52,222 --> 00:07:54,099
is because she has leverage.
225
00:07:54,391 --> 00:07:55,767
Eight pounds of screaming,
226
00:07:56,059 --> 00:07:57,936
toothless,
soft-skulled leverage.
227
00:07:58,228 --> 00:07:59,604
Liddy loves Sherry,
228
00:07:59,896 --> 00:08:02,065
and Sherry assumes
that I love Liddy.
229
00:08:02,357 --> 00:08:03,858
- But you do, right?
230
00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:06,030
- Yes. But Sherry can't
prove that I love Liddy,
231
00:08:06,236 --> 00:08:08,488
so I renegotiate
under new conditions,
232
00:08:08,780 --> 00:08:11,533
specifically, that I hate
my newborn daughter.
233
00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:13,785
- Wow, Jack. I
could never pretend
234
00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:15,453
to hate my beautiful
baby daughter,
235
00:08:15,745 --> 00:08:16,997
Emily Dickinson the cat.
236
00:08:17,288 --> 00:08:18,288
- Oh, boy.
[Hangs up]
237
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:21,376
- Uh-oh. I don't feel so good.
238
00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:23,294
I think maybe I
have food poisoning.
239
00:08:23,586 --> 00:08:24,647
- Really? 'Cause I've
never had a problem
240
00:08:24,671 --> 00:08:27,799
ordering from American sub
restaurant very clean come in.
241
00:08:28,091 --> 00:08:30,760
- I'm sorry. Could you
just, um, leave your notes?
242
00:08:31,052 --> 00:08:33,221
I'll come in early
tomorrow to finish!
243
00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:36,433
- I guess this means
you're free tonight after all.
244
00:08:36,725 --> 00:08:37,765
- Where did you come from?
245
00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:38,643
- It's a trick I developed
246
00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:40,854
to catch people talking
about me behind my back.
247
00:08:41,146 --> 00:08:43,231
Did you know everyone
thinks I'm insane?
248
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:46,276
Now you have no
excuse to stay in.
249
00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:47,736
- Aw, come on, no!
250
00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:49,738
Jenna, you know
how much I hate clubs
251
00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:52,032
and dance halls and odeons.
252
00:08:52,323 --> 00:08:53,450
They're all malarkey.
253
00:08:53,742 --> 00:08:55,910
- Okay, what if I promise
to find a place you like?
254
00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:58,788
- And if I don't
like it, I can leave?
255
00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:01,207
- Yes, if you don't
like it, you can leave.
256
00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:04,294
This isn't Eric Roberts' tepee.
257
00:09:06,421 --> 00:09:08,465
- Ah, Sherry.
258
00:09:08,757 --> 00:09:10,675
Excellent.
259
00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:13,344
I've been thinking about
our conversation earlier.
260
00:09:13,636 --> 00:09:15,555
It occurs to me
that you are laboring
261
00:09:15,847 --> 00:09:17,766
under a fatal misapprehension.
262
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:20,060
You think you have
leverage over me,
263
00:09:20,351 --> 00:09:21,351
but you don't.
264
00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:23,521
I don't care about the baby.
265
00:09:23,813 --> 00:09:25,482
I've only known
her for a few weeks,
266
00:09:25,774 --> 00:09:27,692
and other than a fondness
for Avery's breasts,
267
00:09:27,984 --> 00:09:29,652
Liddy and I have
nothing in common.
268
00:09:29,944 --> 00:09:30,944
She is one of two people
269
00:09:31,196 --> 00:09:32,697
ever to have thrown up on me,
270
00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:34,091
and I haven't spoken
to Joe Namath
271
00:09:34,115 --> 00:09:35,283
since that Mardi Gras.
272
00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:37,952
What's more, I don't
think Liddy looks like me,
273
00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:41,247
so evolutionarily, that
makes me want to eat her.
274
00:09:41,539 --> 00:09:43,666
In other words, either
you take a pay cut,
275
00:09:43,958 --> 00:09:45,835
or go and look for another job.
276
00:09:46,127 --> 00:09:49,089
Who has the
leverage now, Sherry?
277
00:09:51,216 --> 00:09:52,216
Your move.
278
00:09:52,383 --> 00:09:56,763
[Baby crying]
279
00:09:59,349 --> 00:10:00,517
Please stay.
280
00:10:00,809 --> 00:10:03,228
I'll send everyone in
your family to college.
281
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:05,021
- Mm-hmm.
282
00:10:05,313 --> 00:10:07,524
[Baby crying]
283
00:10:07,816 --> 00:10:08,816
[Soft music playing]
284
00:10:08,983 --> 00:10:10,693
- So soft music,
285
00:10:10,985 --> 00:10:11,985
ample seating,
286
00:10:12,153 --> 00:10:14,864
and I know how much you
like clearly marked fire exits.
287
00:10:15,156 --> 00:10:16,156
- Don't worry.
288
00:10:16,366 --> 00:10:17,486
I'll find something to hate.
289
00:10:17,742 --> 00:10:20,370
Oh, okay, here
we go. This sucks.
290
00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:22,831
This place is called
"canal yards project"?
291
00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:24,123
What does that mean?
292
00:10:24,165 --> 00:10:25,165
- I don't know.
293
00:10:25,208 --> 00:10:26,352
It used to be a
factory or something.
294
00:10:26,376 --> 00:10:27,376
- Nope. Hipster nonsense.
295
00:10:27,585 --> 00:10:28,585
I'm out.
296
00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:30,231
- No, you are not leaving
because of the name.
297
00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:31,714
Excuse me, can I order
298
00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:33,716
two diet cranberry
beach bangs, please?
299
00:10:34,008 --> 00:10:35,444
- You got it. I'm gonna
need to see your I.D., miss.
300
00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:36,719
- How about this for I.D.?
301
00:10:37,011 --> 00:10:40,682
I participated in
hands across america.
302
00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:44,102
Nerds. Where is it?
303
00:10:44,394 --> 00:10:46,729
Okay, my license is missing,
304
00:10:47,021 --> 00:10:48,189
which is my cue to go home.
305
00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:50,817
- Excuse me. Is this yours?
306
00:10:51,109 --> 00:10:52,527
- Oh, yeah. Thanks.
307
00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:54,619
- I recognized your hair
from across the room.
308
00:10:54,737 --> 00:10:56,114
What is that? Is that Chestnut?
309
00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:57,907
- Oh, the color
is actually called
310
00:10:58,199 --> 00:11:00,326
"grandfather's shoe."
311
00:11:00,952 --> 00:11:02,787
- Uh, can I get you a drink?
312
00:11:03,079 --> 00:11:05,498
I'm having white wine
with ice cubes and sprite.
313
00:11:05,790 --> 00:11:06,790
- That's my drink!
314
00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:08,233
I keep a thermos
of it by my toilet!
315
00:11:08,293 --> 00:11:09,293
You misheard me.
316
00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:10,962
- Okay. Uh, excuse me.
317
00:11:11,254 --> 00:11:14,007
Can I get two more
of these, please?
318
00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:19,095
- So did they make your
droids wait outside too?
319
00:11:19,387 --> 00:11:21,931
- Seriously, why can't
droids go into the cantina?
320
00:11:22,223 --> 00:11:24,142
I mean, Ponda Baba
can try to shoot Luke...
321
00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:28,438
- but a protocol droid
is somehow a problem.
322
00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:35,945
[Music playing]
323
00:11:36,237 --> 00:11:39,157
- ♪ Castles fall into the sand ♪
324
00:11:39,449 --> 00:11:42,452
♪ could this really
be god's plan? ♪
325
00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:44,287
♪ Or is it never too late? ♪
326
00:11:44,579 --> 00:11:46,831
♪ It's never too late for now ♪
327
00:11:47,123 --> 00:11:48,123
[Music stops]
328
00:11:48,166 --> 00:11:49,834
- Why can't I hear my vocals?
329
00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:51,461
- I just mixed
them down a little.
330
00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:52,753
I think it sounds better.
331
00:11:53,004 --> 00:11:54,004
- Oh, really?
332
00:11:54,130 --> 00:11:55,590
Do you think that, or does she?
333
00:11:55,882 --> 00:11:57,967
- This has nothing
to do with yuki.
334
00:11:58,259 --> 00:11:59,552
This is about making my song...
335
00:11:59,844 --> 00:12:00,844
- your song?
336
00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:02,287
All right, you know
what? Forget it!
337
00:12:02,388 --> 00:12:04,015
Sound mound is finished!
338
00:12:04,307 --> 00:12:07,685
Which means I now have
5,000 t-shirts to UN-order.
339
00:12:07,977 --> 00:12:09,979
- Pete, like, 20 of these
just came in for you.
340
00:12:10,271 --> 00:12:13,107
- Damn it!
341
00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:15,199
- I'm having a really
nice time with you, Liz.
342
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:16,819
- Me, too, Anders.
343
00:12:17,111 --> 00:12:20,573
I like how you don't
have one weird little tooth.
344
00:12:20,865 --> 00:12:22,158
- Thank you.
345
00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:24,094
Look, I was gonna go
back to my hotel room,
346
00:12:24,118 --> 00:12:25,438
get Eat Pray Love
on Spectravision
347
00:12:25,662 --> 00:12:26,662
and make fun of it.
348
00:12:26,788 --> 00:12:28,539
- Ew, Julia Roberts in
a movie about eating?
349
00:12:28,831 --> 00:12:30,291
Give me kirstie alley,
350
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:31,983
somebody who knows
what she's doing.
351
00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:33,252
- Come on.
352
00:12:33,336 --> 00:12:35,004
Let's go.
353
00:12:35,296 --> 00:12:39,509
- Oh, boy. That
does sound fun, but...
354
00:12:39,801 --> 00:12:40,885
I really shouldn't.
355
00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:42,257
I came here with my friend,
356
00:12:42,512 --> 00:12:44,138
so I'm just gonna stay here.
357
00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:45,430
- Get off me! My eye!
358
00:12:45,556 --> 00:12:46,808
- It's a fight.
359
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:48,768
Typical nightclub malarkey!
360
00:12:49,060 --> 00:12:50,853
[Furniture crashes]
361
00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:53,815
Whoa.
362
00:12:56,859 --> 00:12:58,152
You okay?
363
00:12:58,444 --> 00:12:59,838
- My heart's pounding
like I'm watching
364
00:12:59,862 --> 00:13:02,407
Oprah's farewell season.
365
00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:06,619
I thought the stupid
universe was telling me
366
00:13:06,911 --> 00:13:08,246
to get a cat and be a spinster,
367
00:13:08,538 --> 00:13:09,580
and now I don't know.
368
00:13:09,872 --> 00:13:11,457
What's it trying to
tell me with you?
369
00:13:11,749 --> 00:13:13,459
- Liz, look,
370
00:13:13,751 --> 00:13:17,547
I don't believe in signs or
messages from the universe.
371
00:13:17,839 --> 00:13:19,799
You know what I do believe?
372
00:13:20,091 --> 00:13:21,634
It's never too late for now.
373
00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:24,178
- ♪ It's never, it's never ♪
374
00:13:24,470 --> 00:13:27,140
♪ it's never, it's never ♪
375
00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:31,686
♪ it's never too late ♪
376
00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:37,025
♪ it's never too late for now ♪
377
00:13:41,571 --> 00:13:44,490
- Every day, we give you
$100 for cab fare home.
378
00:13:44,782 --> 00:13:47,243
Do you realize what
you're doing to me, Sherry?
379
00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:50,121
You're unraveling the
very fabric of who I am.
380
00:13:50,413 --> 00:13:52,457
I negotiate for a
living, and I never lose.
381
00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:53,949
And now I have to go negotiate
382
00:13:54,208 --> 00:13:55,626
with my colleagues at Kabletown
383
00:13:55,918 --> 00:13:58,129
after having been
reamed by a woman
384
00:13:58,421 --> 00:14:00,089
wearing winnie the
pooh hospital pants.
385
00:14:00,381 --> 00:14:02,300
I don't have what
you have, Sherry.
386
00:14:02,592 --> 00:14:04,177
A brand-new baby
that they've poured
387
00:14:04,469 --> 00:14:06,137
time and money and love into.
388
00:14:06,429 --> 00:14:10,099
Some helpless,
pathetic, useless thing
389
00:14:10,391 --> 00:14:13,770
that would die if left alo...
390
00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:18,441
Oh, god, I do have that.
391
00:14:18,733 --> 00:14:20,485
I have NBC.
392
00:14:20,777 --> 00:14:23,112
- Look, broadcast networks
receiving licensing fees
393
00:14:23,404 --> 00:14:24,447
is unprecedented, Jack.
394
00:14:24,739 --> 00:14:26,616
But we're willing to offer NBC
395
00:14:26,908 --> 00:14:28,659
10% of what we pay cable.
396
00:14:32,663 --> 00:14:34,290
[Clementine squirts]
397
00:14:36,751 --> 00:14:41,297
I mean, okay, uh, not to
negotiate against myself,
398
00:14:41,589 --> 00:14:43,674
but I get where you
guys are coming from.
399
00:14:43,966 --> 00:14:45,843
- Mm-hmm.
400
00:14:46,135 --> 00:14:48,554
- Look, NBC is part of
the Kabletown family now.
401
00:14:48,846 --> 00:14:51,516
It's our baby, and
we want it to thrive.
402
00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:55,228
But your offer is...
It's unreasonable!
403
00:14:56,062 --> 00:14:58,564
- So what you wanna do?
404
00:15:04,153 --> 00:15:05,988
- Oh, way to go, Liz!
405
00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:07,615
- Attagirl! Walk of shame!
406
00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:10,284
- You bow-legged bitch!
407
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:15,123
- Ah. I see you opened
the scotch NBC sent us
408
00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:16,495
that week we came in third.
409
00:15:16,541 --> 00:15:17,935
I'm guessing your
meeting went well.
410
00:15:17,959 --> 00:15:18,959
- Homerun, Lemon.
411
00:15:19,043 --> 00:15:20,670
And, uh, speaking of
baseball metaphors,
412
00:15:20,962 --> 00:15:23,047
I see that someone
got to first base,
413
00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:25,258
which is what I consider
sex with a stranger.
414
00:15:25,550 --> 00:15:27,301
- Okay, fine. I had
a one-night stand,
415
00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:29,303
and it was not the worst.
416
00:15:29,595 --> 00:15:30,680
And maybe you're right.
417
00:15:30,972 --> 00:15:33,307
I shouldn't give up just yet.
418
00:15:34,809 --> 00:15:35,893
- Mm.
419
00:15:36,185 --> 00:15:38,646
Still, I can't
believe I did that.
420
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:40,064
And I wouldn't have
421
00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:41,983
if everything hadn't
gone so perfectly.
422
00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:44,169
I mean, what if I had been
stuck in the edit room all night,
423
00:15:44,193 --> 00:15:46,362
or if I hated the club and left?
424
00:15:46,654 --> 00:15:47,654
Or what if Anders...
425
00:15:47,822 --> 00:15:50,658
Yeah, Anders... Hadn't
found my license?
426
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:52,070
- Don't overthink it, Lemon.
427
00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:53,411
Stranger things
happen every day.
428
00:15:53,703 --> 00:15:55,371
I once saw an Internet video
429
00:15:55,663 --> 00:15:58,458
of a mouse and a
bird that are friends.
430
00:15:58,749 --> 00:16:00,126
Don't overthink it.
431
00:16:00,418 --> 00:16:02,044
Ah.
432
00:16:17,768 --> 00:16:19,187
- Gasp.
433
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:24,817
Last night, a repulsive act
occurred at a hotel in midtown.
434
00:16:25,109 --> 00:16:27,195
There are two
possible explanations
435
00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:30,907
as to how this
event came to be...
436
00:16:31,199 --> 00:16:33,784
A simple one and a complex one.
437
00:16:34,076 --> 00:16:37,580
The simple explanation is
that I went to a discotheque
438
00:16:37,872 --> 00:16:40,166
and a handsome,
interesting man fell for me.
439
00:16:40,458 --> 00:16:43,711
In the wake of my
breakup, I allowed myself
440
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,603
to have an experience
that gave me reason
441
00:16:45,630 --> 00:16:47,024
to be hopeful about
the future again.
442
00:16:47,048 --> 00:16:48,048
Very simple.
443
00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:49,454
- Great. I think
we're done here.
444
00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:50,510
- Please, monsieur.
445
00:16:50,801 --> 00:16:54,430
There remains, of course,
the complex explanation...
446
00:16:54,722 --> 00:16:58,351
A vast conspiracy
involving multiple agents
447
00:16:58,643 --> 00:17:00,978
and precise,
coordinated efforts.
448
00:17:01,270 --> 00:17:05,566
A conspiracy that begins
with the timely food poisoning
449
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:07,401
of Donna Straunk.
450
00:17:07,693 --> 00:17:13,282
And who here has
access to Donna's food?
451
00:17:13,574 --> 00:17:16,285
[Suspenseful music]
452
00:17:16,577 --> 00:17:19,372
♪ ♪
453
00:17:19,664 --> 00:17:22,500
The second peculiar
event... I lose my license,
454
00:17:22,792 --> 00:17:25,169
allowing it to be found
by a handsome stranger.
455
00:17:25,461 --> 00:17:27,713
Serendipity? Perhaps.
456
00:17:28,005 --> 00:17:30,383
But how does one
lose one's license
457
00:17:30,675 --> 00:17:34,011
out of a malfunction-proof
velcro Phillies sport wallet?
458
00:17:34,303 --> 00:17:36,889
Someone must have had
access to my Fanny pack.
459
00:17:37,181 --> 00:17:38,516
- I only wanted ibuprofen.
460
00:17:38,808 --> 00:17:41,519
- Then why is my
ibuprofen bottle still sealed?
461
00:17:41,811 --> 00:17:42,979
- Ah.
[Clapping]
462
00:17:43,271 --> 00:17:45,982
[Suspenseful music]
463
00:17:46,274 --> 00:17:52,488
♪ ♪
464
00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:54,615
- And then there is
the matter of the wine.
465
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:57,159
Four glasses, and
yet I was wide awake.
466
00:17:57,451 --> 00:17:59,161
Was my uncharacteristic energy
467
00:17:59,453 --> 00:18:02,415
perhaps due to the
giddiness of the evening?
468
00:18:02,707 --> 00:18:05,209
Or was someone slipping me
469
00:18:05,501 --> 00:18:07,587
black market
organ-slimming pills?
470
00:18:07,878 --> 00:18:08,504
- Liz, I wouldn't...
471
00:18:08,796 --> 00:18:10,715
- the conspiracy continues.
472
00:18:11,007 --> 00:18:12,967
What pushed me out of the club
473
00:18:13,259 --> 00:18:15,553
when I was wavering
about leaving with Anders?
474
00:18:15,845 --> 00:18:18,556
- Yeah, I came
here with my friend,
475
00:18:18,848 --> 00:18:20,641
so I'm just gonna stay here.
476
00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:22,518
[Dramatic music]
477
00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:25,521
- Aah!
478
00:18:25,813 --> 00:18:28,316
Yah!
479
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:29,775
[Lutz whimpering]
480
00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:31,944
Get off of me! My eye!
481
00:18:32,236 --> 00:18:35,239
- [Screaming]
482
00:18:38,159 --> 00:18:39,827
- [Gasps]
483
00:18:43,873 --> 00:18:44,957
- What, this?
484
00:18:45,249 --> 00:18:47,501
I got hit by a bird
on a roller coaster.
485
00:18:47,793 --> 00:18:51,005
- Even the club was strange.
486
00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:53,883
Almost as if it had been
designed specifically for me,
487
00:18:54,175 --> 00:18:56,427
but who has the resources
and the connections
488
00:18:56,719 --> 00:19:00,723
to create a Liz
Lemon-themed club in one day?
489
00:19:07,938 --> 00:19:10,066
- You had to sign
your crime, didn't you?
490
00:19:10,358 --> 00:19:12,693
- You're the one who
gave me those monk DVDs.
491
00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:14,403
- And what was the final straw?
492
00:19:14,695 --> 00:19:16,364
It was Anders saying,
493
00:19:16,656 --> 00:19:19,158
"it's never too late for now,"
494
00:19:19,450 --> 00:19:22,411
a coincidence that I took
as a sign from the universe.
495
00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:24,747
- Also, it's just
a great song...
496
00:19:25,039 --> 00:19:26,582
That Pete wrote.
497
00:19:26,874 --> 00:19:28,709
- Thanks, man.
498
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:30,878
Sound mound rocks the town.
499
00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:32,380
- Shut up, both of you.
500
00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:35,508
So how did Anders
even know that phrase?
501
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:39,261
How did Anders seem to
know everything about me?
502
00:19:39,553 --> 00:19:43,140
- It's white wine,
ice cubes, and sprite.
503
00:19:43,432 --> 00:19:44,558
She calls it...
504
00:19:44,850 --> 00:19:46,143
Funky juice.
505
00:19:46,435 --> 00:19:48,396
- I don't know if
I want to do this.
506
00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:50,815
- There's only one
question I can't answer.
507
00:19:51,107 --> 00:19:53,109
Who was Anders?
508
00:19:53,401 --> 00:19:55,528
An old Harvard chum of Toofer's?
509
00:19:55,820 --> 00:19:57,822
The son of one of
Jack's senator friends?
510
00:19:58,114 --> 00:19:59,990
- He certainly wasn't
a Swiss prostitute
511
00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:03,828
that Martha Stewart
recommended to me.
512
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:07,957
- And that is the
complex explanation.
513
00:20:08,249 --> 00:20:11,961
Of course, such a conspiracy
would require a group of people
514
00:20:12,253 --> 00:20:17,007
who knew me so well and cared
about my happiness so much
515
00:20:17,299 --> 00:20:20,052
that it's impossible to believe.
516
00:20:20,344 --> 00:20:23,931
No one could ever be that lucky.
517
00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:27,560
Which is why I choose
the simple explanation.
518
00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:29,854
I choose to believe
that last night
519
00:20:30,146 --> 00:20:32,148
Liz Lemon went out, got some,
520
00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:33,440
and felt good about it.
521
00:20:33,649 --> 00:20:37,486
And so I say good-bye
to spinsterhood.
522
00:20:37,778 --> 00:20:40,656
Good-bye to giving up and to...
523
00:20:40,948 --> 00:20:42,450
Oh, god, a hawk got her!
524
00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:44,410
Emily Dickinson!
525
00:20:46,370 --> 00:20:47,639
- ♪ 'Cause she's
a weekend lady ♪
526
00:20:47,663 --> 00:20:49,749
♪ she's got that weekend style ♪
527
00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:53,753
♪ ♪
528
00:20:54,044 --> 00:20:55,880
♪ temperature's risin' ♪
529
00:20:56,172 --> 00:20:59,133
♪ she's gonna make you smile ♪
530
00:20:59,425 --> 00:21:01,093
♪ ♪
531
00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:03,185
Both: ♪ Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday, Thursday ♪
532
00:21:03,304 --> 00:21:04,513
♪ uh-uh-uh ♪
533
00:21:04,805 --> 00:21:06,557
♪ Friday, Saturday ♪
534
00:21:06,849 --> 00:21:08,289
♪ kinda Sunday, and
holiday mondays ♪
535
00:21:08,476 --> 00:21:09,727
♪ uh-huh-huh ♪
536
00:21:10,019 --> 00:21:11,812
♪ 'cause she's a weekend woman ♪
537
00:21:12,104 --> 00:21:13,731
♪ gonna make her mine ♪
538
00:21:14,023 --> 00:21:16,108
♪ gonna make it the weekend ♪
539
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:18,736
♪ all the time ♪
540
00:21:19,028 --> 00:21:20,029
Weekend woman!
38467
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