Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:04,671 --> 00:00:07,007
- It doesn't matter how long
you've lived in New York,
2
00:00:07,299 --> 00:00:08,675
it's still fun to look up
3
00:00:08,967 --> 00:00:11,845
and pretend all the buildings
are giant severed robot penises
4
00:00:12,137 --> 00:00:13,597
- be quiet, Lemon.
5
00:00:13,889 --> 00:00:15,057
It's happening.
6
00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:17,976
[Eerie music]
7
00:00:18,268 --> 00:00:20,479
♪ ♪
8
00:00:20,771 --> 00:00:21,355
- Wow...
9
00:00:21,647 --> 00:00:23,899
Out with G.E., in
with Kabletown.
10
00:00:24,191 --> 00:00:26,944
It seems like one of us should
sing the circle game right now.
11
00:00:27,236 --> 00:00:28,612
- 30 years at G.E...
12
00:00:28,904 --> 00:00:31,490
Now it's on to phase two.
13
00:00:31,782 --> 00:00:34,451
I'm like keats' "stout Cortez,"
14
00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:37,120
staring at the pacific
with a wild surmise
15
00:00:37,412 --> 00:00:39,248
and daring to imagine what...
16
00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:43,043
New planets might
swim into my Ken.
17
00:00:43,335 --> 00:00:45,379
- So will we be getting
new employee I.D.S?
18
00:00:45,671 --> 00:00:47,311
'Cause I'd really like
to retake my photo.
19
00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:48,173
- Good god, what happened?
20
00:00:48,465 --> 00:00:50,133
- I was holding in a "snart,"
21
00:00:50,425 --> 00:00:53,303
and then right when
she took the photo...
22
00:00:53,595 --> 00:00:54,822
Don't you want to
know what a "snart" is?
23
00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:56,098
I can tell you now. It's 10:00.
24
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:58,308
- 10:00 in the morning.
25
00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:00,227
- [Sneezes, farts]
26
00:01:00,519 --> 00:01:02,771
[Exciting jazz music]
27
00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:11,063
♪ ♪
28
00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:20,539
- Ugh.
29
00:01:20,831 --> 00:01:23,458
- Fyi, Tracy's
phoning it in today.
30
00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:24,459
- What else is new?
31
00:01:24,751 --> 00:01:26,169
- No, mother, literally.
32
00:01:26,461 --> 00:01:28,630
- Are you also
staying at this hotel?
33
00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:29,965
- Line.
34
00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:33,635
[Door opens, closes]
35
00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:35,446
- Tracy, we have
been playing this game
36
00:01:35,470 --> 00:01:36,471
for five years now.
37
00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:38,443
When is it ever gonna stop?
- I don't know.
38
00:01:38,724 --> 00:01:40,559
After I win a bunch of
awards for my movie,
39
00:01:40,851 --> 00:01:42,060
it's not gonna get better.
40
00:01:42,352 --> 00:01:43,952
- I don't see how it
could get any worse.
41
00:01:44,021 --> 00:01:45,439
- Good question, Liz Lemon.
42
00:01:45,731 --> 00:01:47,051
When you win an
Oscar, it opens up
43
00:01:47,274 --> 00:01:48,674
an elite level of
actor craziness...
44
00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:50,736
Throwing telephones
at hotel employees,
45
00:01:51,028 --> 00:01:53,655
speaking to the U.N. about
some messed-up crap in Africa,
46
00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:56,491
and I'm definitely
getting a private island.
47
00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:57,909
- You're getting an island?
48
00:01:58,201 --> 00:02:00,203
- Every crazy a-lister
owns an island...
49
00:02:00,495 --> 00:02:01,495
Nicholas cage,
50
00:02:01,663 --> 00:02:03,624
Celine Dion, Charles Widmore.
51
00:02:03,915 --> 00:02:07,085
This is a whole new
world in front of me, L.L.
52
00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:09,880
I'm like stout Cortez!
53
00:02:10,172 --> 00:02:12,299
He's my gardener.
He's easily amazed.
54
00:02:12,591 --> 00:02:13,967
- You have two choices here.
55
00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:16,219
Either you can stay in
your room, like a child,
56
00:02:16,511 --> 00:02:19,973
or you can get out
there and do your job.
57
00:02:21,183 --> 00:02:22,267
Thank you.
58
00:02:22,559 --> 00:02:24,186
- Oh, I'm sorry.
That was misleading.
59
00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:25,937
I'm not gonna rehearse.
60
00:02:26,229 --> 00:02:30,776
I'm gonna get a sandwich
and then eat it on the toilet.
61
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:39,660
- What are you wearing?
- My NBC page dress blues.
62
00:02:39,951 --> 00:02:41,711
I want to look good, in
case I get on camera.
63
00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:42,995
- On what camera?
64
00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:44,432
- Well, Mrs.
Jordan's reality show
65
00:02:44,456 --> 00:02:46,917
is gonna be following Mr. Jordan
around while he's at work.
66
00:02:47,209 --> 00:02:48,209
- What?
- I know!
67
00:02:48,377 --> 00:02:49,377
Isn't it exciting?
68
00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:51,254
I've never been on TV before.
69
00:02:51,546 --> 00:02:53,423
I hope I photograph okay,
70
00:02:53,715 --> 00:02:55,384
because when I
look into a mirror,
71
00:02:55,676 --> 00:02:57,260
there's just a white haze.
72
00:02:57,552 --> 00:02:59,763
- Who told Tracy he
could bring cameras here?
73
00:03:00,055 --> 00:03:01,515
- Well, Mr. Donaghy. Uh, here...
74
00:03:01,807 --> 00:03:03,367
I couldn't put the
memo in your mailbox,
75
00:03:03,558 --> 00:03:05,394
'cause it's full of unread
adoption materials.
76
00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:06,686
- Yeah.
77
00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:10,565
- Hey. Are the
reality cams here?
78
00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:13,276
- [Groans in disgust]
79
00:03:13,568 --> 00:03:16,863
Oh, god, Lutz, why?
80
00:03:17,155 --> 00:03:19,700
- What? I don't want tush lines.
81
00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:21,702
- Oh!
82
00:03:21,993 --> 00:03:23,120
[Knock on door] You know...
83
00:03:23,412 --> 00:03:24,732
I have enough
problems with Tracy.
84
00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:27,666
I don't need cameras following
him around while he's here.
85
00:03:27,958 --> 00:03:29,718
- Do you know what pays
for your show, Lemon?
86
00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:32,116
- Our product placement
with Sullivan psychiatric clinic.
87
00:03:32,337 --> 00:03:33,439
[Deep voice]
"Sullivan psychiatric...
88
00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:35,173
You'll drool over
our crazy prices."
89
00:03:35,465 --> 00:03:36,967
- Reality TV.
90
00:03:37,259 --> 00:03:39,469
A woman with
"hundruplets," a live execution,
91
00:03:39,761 --> 00:03:42,889
the real transvestite hoarders
of orange county penitentiary
92
00:03:43,181 --> 00:03:44,474
- ugh, that show is upsetting.
93
00:03:44,766 --> 00:03:46,366
Why does the warden
let lady extravaganza
94
00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:47,936
have so many spoons?
95
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:50,897
- Programs like that are
the lifeblood of this industry.
96
00:03:51,189 --> 00:03:52,441
They're cheap, promotable,
97
00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:53,893
and even if they're terrible,
98
00:03:53,984 --> 00:03:56,778
you get a rating and
move on to the next idea.
99
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,070
Everybody wins.
100
00:03:58,280 --> 00:03:58,822
- Well, I happen to think
101
00:03:59,114 --> 00:04:01,491
we are in a new golden
age of scripted television.
102
00:04:01,783 --> 00:04:02,826
- Shh, shh.
103
00:04:03,118 --> 00:04:04,118
[Softly] Lemon, it's okay.
104
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:07,205
As I begin phase two of my
Jack attack on Kabletown,
105
00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:09,332
I've been doing some research.
106
00:04:09,624 --> 00:04:11,602
Do you know what the
most successful reality events
107
00:04:11,626 --> 00:04:13,044
of the past five years are?
108
00:04:13,336 --> 00:04:15,547
Celebrity benefits
for natural disasters.
109
00:04:15,839 --> 00:04:18,341
The viewership is huge.
110
00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:19,861
- Yes, but those
ratings mean nothing.
111
00:04:19,885 --> 00:04:21,970
All the networks air those
benefits at the same time,
112
00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:23,382
so no one gets an advantage.
113
00:04:23,555 --> 00:04:25,682
- True, unless only one
network is carrying it,
114
00:04:25,974 --> 00:04:28,018
because only one network
is ready to broadcast
115
00:04:28,310 --> 00:04:30,020
a benefit on the
night of the disaster.
116
00:04:30,312 --> 00:04:30,896
- But that's impossible.
117
00:04:31,188 --> 00:04:32,749
There's not enough
time to put it together.
118
00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:35,817
- Unless you've pretaped
the show beforehand
119
00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:39,613
and filmed options for every
possible disaster scenario.
120
00:04:39,905 --> 00:04:41,448
- You're going to
pretape a benefit
121
00:04:41,740 --> 00:04:43,617
for a disaster that
hasn't happened yet?
122
00:04:43,909 --> 00:04:45,702
- Yeah.
- That is bad Karma, Jack.
123
00:04:45,994 --> 00:04:47,496
I mean, this
morning, I stole a cab
124
00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:49,247
from a pregnant
lady on crutches,
125
00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:51,249
and I am just waiting... [Gasps]
126
00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:54,169
- Uh, my goodness, Lemon.
127
00:04:54,461 --> 00:04:56,061
The people affected
will still get money,
128
00:04:56,254 --> 00:04:57,254
but so will NBC.
129
00:04:57,339 --> 00:04:58,339
Everybody wins.
130
00:04:58,548 --> 00:04:59,788
- Oh, and I need Jenna to sing.
131
00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:01,008
- I'll do it!
132
00:05:01,259 --> 00:05:03,386
But I hate my dress.
133
00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:08,743
- All right, listen
up, everybody.
134
00:05:08,767 --> 00:05:10,185
I need ideas from you people
135
00:05:10,477 --> 00:05:12,854
for potential
natural disasters...
136
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:16,107
Anything that might require
a televised celebrity benefit.
137
00:05:16,399 --> 00:05:17,399
I need something new,
138
00:05:17,526 --> 00:05:19,069
and I need it by
the end of the day,
139
00:05:19,361 --> 00:05:21,696
so...
140
00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:23,865
Let's get to work.
141
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,911
- Well, I just
finished a screenplay
142
00:05:28,203 --> 00:05:29,871
where a tidal wave
destroys Washington.
143
00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:31,998
- Someone write down
tidal wave. Shut him up.
144
00:05:32,290 --> 00:05:35,001
- What about a tornado
that hits a handgun factory,
145
00:05:35,293 --> 00:05:37,254
and it's just spinning
around shooting handguns?
146
00:05:37,546 --> 00:05:39,226
- What happens when
the second flood comes,
147
00:05:39,464 --> 00:05:41,264
and you aren't allowed
on reverend Gary's ark?
148
00:05:41,550 --> 00:05:43,236
Especially since reverend
Gary made it clear
149
00:05:43,260 --> 00:05:44,886
the ark is just
for teenage boys.
150
00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:46,906
- You know, with global
weirding and everything,
151
00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:48,570
stuff like that could
totally happen here.
152
00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:50,402
- There was a cyclone
in Brooklyn last year.
153
00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:53,186
It destroyed two vintage-t-shirt
stores and a banjo.
154
00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:54,558
- If something does happen,
155
00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:55,313
it'll probably be
while we're at work.
156
00:05:55,605 --> 00:05:57,375
I mean, this is where
we spend all of our time.
157
00:05:57,399 --> 00:05:58,639
We should have a plan in place.
158
00:05:58,692 --> 00:05:59,932
- If we don't, I will freak out
159
00:06:00,151 --> 00:06:01,486
and start karate-kicking people.
160
00:06:01,778 --> 00:06:03,989
- Everyone needs
an emergency plan.
161
00:06:04,281 --> 00:06:06,199
For instance, right
before the ark leaves,
162
00:06:06,491 --> 00:06:09,911
I'm supposed to
castrate reverend Gary.
163
00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:14,958
- I see you finally
decided to come to work.
164
00:06:15,250 --> 00:06:15,834
- Of course.
165
00:06:16,126 --> 00:06:17,127
I'm just continuing
166
00:06:17,419 --> 00:06:18,962
my consistent
professional behavior.
167
00:06:19,254 --> 00:06:20,839
Let's laugh together, friend.
168
00:06:21,131 --> 00:06:24,801
[Laughing forcedly]
- [Chuckles weakly
169
00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:28,471
what's going on with him?
- First of all, good morning.
170
00:06:28,763 --> 00:06:31,850
And to answer your
question, it's Angie's cameras.
171
00:06:32,142 --> 00:06:33,702
These reality shows
want crazy behavior,
172
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:34,967
so Tracy's keeping it boring...
173
00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:37,039
Give them nothing that
could make him look bad.
174
00:06:37,063 --> 00:06:38,982
- Since when does Tracy
care about looking bad?
175
00:06:39,274 --> 00:06:40,754
- Since he got
nominated for an Oscar.
176
00:06:40,942 --> 00:06:42,861
Then once he wins,
it's on to the next level,
177
00:06:43,153 --> 00:06:44,487
which I am not
looking forward to.
178
00:06:44,779 --> 00:06:46,859
That island he wants to
buy is filled with scorpions.
179
00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:48,617
- Let's do it again
from the top.
180
00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:50,160
I want to get it perfect,
181
00:06:50,452 --> 00:06:52,287
because perfection
is my middle name...
182
00:06:52,579 --> 00:06:55,707
"unclaimed perfection baby boy."
183
00:07:00,211 --> 00:07:01,630
- So here's the plan.
184
00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:04,191
If anything happens, we meet
outside under the atlas statue,
185
00:07:04,215 --> 00:07:05,455
walk to the 59th street bridge,
186
00:07:05,508 --> 00:07:07,153
and try to get to my
mom's house in queens.
187
00:07:07,177 --> 00:07:08,177
- Okay, good.
188
00:07:08,303 --> 00:07:09,343
We've got a wide skill set
189
00:07:09,387 --> 00:07:10,847
for any post-apocalyptic
scenario.
190
00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:13,183
I'm good at archery
and kind of want to die.
191
00:07:13,475 --> 00:07:15,185
- I can use my
glasses to start a fire.
192
00:07:15,477 --> 00:07:17,103
Toofer can get us
through black, gay,
193
00:07:17,395 --> 00:07:19,564
and nerd-controlled
neighborhoods.
194
00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:21,896
Cerie will be some sort of
queen in the new society.
195
00:07:22,108 --> 00:07:24,611
- I will do sex with
cannibals as needed.
196
00:07:24,903 --> 00:07:25,903
- I can talk to animals.
197
00:07:26,154 --> 00:07:27,154
Well, not talk to 'em...
198
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:30,033
I can take commands from 'em.
199
00:07:30,325 --> 00:07:32,869
- Huh. Lutz... what can he do?
200
00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:35,163
- Well, he's slow and a coward.
201
00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:36,455
- [Scoffs]
202
00:07:36,539 --> 00:07:37,832
I'm not useless.
203
00:07:38,124 --> 00:07:39,960
I mean, I've got a car.
204
00:07:40,251 --> 00:07:41,378
- Oh, I didn't know that.
205
00:07:41,670 --> 00:07:43,421
- All right, Lutz is the driver.
206
00:07:43,713 --> 00:07:44,881
- W-Wait. How big is your car?
207
00:07:45,173 --> 00:07:46,716
Can it fit all of us?
- Oh, right.
208
00:07:47,008 --> 00:07:48,259
It's actually pretty small.
209
00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:51,554
I could only take
three of you...
210
00:07:51,846 --> 00:07:55,141
So I'll have to choose.
211
00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:57,018
That sucks.
212
00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:59,896
It's like a reality show where
you guys get to compete
213
00:08:00,188 --> 00:08:04,651
for a seat in my car by
proving how much you like me.
214
00:08:08,738 --> 00:08:10,448
- Tracy, I need you
to do something.
215
00:08:10,740 --> 00:08:11,783
- Of course, friend.
216
00:08:12,075 --> 00:08:13,660
Teamwork is the key to success.
217
00:08:13,952 --> 00:08:14,952
- [Chuckles] Yeah.
218
00:08:15,036 --> 00:08:17,622
You need to stay late for
a wardrobe fitting tonight.
219
00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:19,374
It should take about two hours.
220
00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:20,750
- Okay.
221
00:08:21,042 --> 00:08:22,168
No problem.
222
00:08:22,460 --> 00:08:24,838
- After that, I need you to
record that DVD commentary
223
00:08:25,130 --> 00:08:27,465
that you've been
putting off for five years.
224
00:08:27,757 --> 00:08:30,135
Hope you didn't
have plans tonight.
225
00:08:30,427 --> 00:08:32,679
- No, I wasn't gonna
buy two blimps
226
00:08:32,971 --> 00:08:35,241
and crash them into each other
to see what sound they made.
227
00:08:35,265 --> 00:08:38,143
- Look, is there anything that
you two could maybe fight about?
228
00:08:38,435 --> 00:08:40,746
An argument that culminates
in a racial slur would be lovely.
229
00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:42,480
- Sorry, this is gonna
be nice and boring.
230
00:08:42,772 --> 00:08:44,941
Tracy's even going to
agree to attend a fundraiser
231
00:08:45,233 --> 00:08:46,860
for my cousin's dance studio.
232
00:08:47,152 --> 00:08:48,820
Aren't you, Tracy?
233
00:08:52,449 --> 00:08:53,616
So we're good?
234
00:08:53,908 --> 00:08:55,118
- Never better.
235
00:08:55,410 --> 00:08:58,038
I'm as happy as a clam that
wants to kill some woman.
236
00:08:58,329 --> 00:09:00,123
- Great. You're the best.
237
00:09:00,415 --> 00:09:01,415
Love you!
238
00:09:02,625 --> 00:09:04,127
- Love you more!
239
00:09:06,588 --> 00:09:08,882
- Boy, I-I don't know, Jack.
This just doesn't feel right.
240
00:09:09,174 --> 00:09:10,216
- Bob, it's for charity.
241
00:09:10,508 --> 00:09:12,969
And if you don't do it, I'll
have MSNBC tell the world
242
00:09:13,261 --> 00:09:14,261
you grew up in england.
243
00:09:14,429 --> 00:09:16,532
- [Cockney accent] But I'm
so identified with New York,
244
00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:17,724
you bloody tosser!
245
00:09:18,016 --> 00:09:20,727
- Bob...
246
00:09:21,019 --> 00:09:22,812
- Okay.
247
00:09:23,104 --> 00:09:24,898
- Disaster options, take one.
248
00:09:25,190 --> 00:09:26,941
- "We'll always
remember where we were
249
00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:29,944
"when we heard that tornado
had hit a handgun factory.
250
00:09:30,236 --> 00:09:32,280
"Two days ago, when
people thought of a mudslide,
251
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,824
"they just thought of getting
drunk in an Applebee's.
252
00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:38,244
"But now we know it as the
thing that destroyed Denver.
253
00:09:38,536 --> 00:09:40,246
"When the birds first
started attacking us,
254
00:09:40,538 --> 00:09:43,124
"we all thought it was pretty
funny and made Hitchcock jokes.
255
00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:44,834
"But we're not laughing now,
256
00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:48,046
"because our laughter
excites the birds sexually.
257
00:09:48,338 --> 00:09:50,715
"This devastating wildfire.
258
00:09:51,007 --> 00:09:52,383
"This horrible flood.
259
00:09:52,675 --> 00:09:54,010
"This wonderful flood
260
00:09:54,302 --> 00:09:56,596
"that put out that
devastating wildfire.
261
00:09:56,888 --> 00:09:59,891
These super-intelligent sharks."
262
00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:03,686
- Tracy, I just thought
263
00:10:03,978 --> 00:10:05,688
of a few more things
I need from you.
264
00:10:05,980 --> 00:10:07,940
- [To the tune of uptown
girl] ♪ shut your mouth ♪
265
00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:12,070
♪ I am finished taking
orders from you ♪
266
00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:14,739
♪ and I think that you're
a four-eyed douche ♪
267
00:10:15,031 --> 00:10:17,071
- Wow, Tracy, I don't want
to interrupt this moment.
268
00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:19,452
This is great stuff,
but that's Billy Joel's.
269
00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:21,138
Anything you sing
to that tune, uh...
270
00:10:21,162 --> 00:10:22,413
I can't use on the show.
271
00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:24,124
- ♪ That's too bad ♪
272
00:10:24,415 --> 00:10:27,377
♪ but if I say you
cannot do anything ♪
273
00:10:27,669 --> 00:10:30,380
♪ to make me look
bad on your TV show ♪
274
00:10:30,672 --> 00:10:33,133
♪ and also let me
say that Liz is a ho ♪
275
00:10:33,424 --> 00:10:35,135
♪ a dirty ho ♪
276
00:10:35,426 --> 00:10:37,106
- [Tune of uptown girl]
♪ you are a child ♪
277
00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:40,932
♪ and you're losing
your mi-i-i-nd ♪
278
00:10:41,224 --> 00:10:43,893
♪ I want to kick you ♪
279
00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:46,813
♪ I'm not good at
making up songs ♪
280
00:10:47,105 --> 00:10:49,315
- ♪ unlike me, who is good ♪
281
00:10:49,607 --> 00:10:52,735
♪ as you can tell
from this rhyme ♪
282
00:10:53,027 --> 00:10:54,779
- ♪ whoa oh oh oh oh ♪
283
00:10:55,071 --> 00:10:56,739
♪ oh oh oh oh ♪
284
00:10:57,031 --> 00:10:59,075
♪ oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪
285
00:10:59,367 --> 00:11:01,161
Both: ♪ whoa oh oh oh oh ♪
286
00:11:01,452 --> 00:11:03,663
♪ oh oh oh oh ♪
287
00:11:03,955 --> 00:11:05,582
♪ oh oh oh oh oh ♪
288
00:11:09,794 --> 00:11:12,380
- ♪ the thing that happened ♪
289
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:14,924
♪ was so sad ♪
290
00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:17,760
♪ we can't believe
it got so bad ♪
291
00:11:18,052 --> 00:11:20,597
♪ when the stuff
we know occurred ♪
292
00:11:20,889 --> 00:11:23,141
♪ went down ♪
293
00:11:23,433 --> 00:11:25,894
♪ so find it in your heart ♪
294
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:28,771
♪ step up and do your part ♪
295
00:11:29,063 --> 00:11:32,108
♪ and help the people
the thing that happened ♪
296
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:34,235
♪ happened to ♪
297
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:36,029
♪ help the people ♪
298
00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:38,239
♪ the thing that happened ♪
299
00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:44,746
♪ happened to ♪
300
00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:46,518
- Fantastic, Jenna.
You really brought
301
00:11:46,581 --> 00:11:49,083
the songwriting
computer's words to life.
302
00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:51,753
- Wow, you're
actually doing this.
303
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,796
- Yes, all I'm missing
is the disaster.
304
00:11:54,088 --> 00:11:55,608
- Well, I'm in the middle
of a Tracy disaster.
305
00:11:55,632 --> 00:11:57,175
I thought I could
use Angie's cameras
306
00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:59,636
to make him behave,
but he found a loophole,
307
00:11:59,928 --> 00:12:01,930
and now, to close
it, I need $80,000
308
00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:03,598
to buy the rights
to uptown girl.
309
00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:04,890
- Lemon, it sounds like
310
00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:06,535
you're trying to fight
crazy with crazy.
311
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:07,995
- Yeah, because crazy
is the only language
312
00:12:08,019 --> 00:12:09,019
that Tracy is fluent in.
313
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:10,539
- But you'll never
out-crazy Tracy,
314
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:11,999
so why don't you
have it out with him
315
00:12:12,023 --> 00:12:13,358
once and for all,
like two adults?
316
00:12:13,650 --> 00:12:15,044
- Because we're
not two adults, Jack.
317
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:16,988
One of us is an actor,
and actors are not people.
318
00:12:17,195 --> 00:12:19,280
- Someone get a P.A.
to feed me baby food,
319
00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:21,532
or I will drop a "d"
in the green room!
320
00:12:21,824 --> 00:12:22,492
Yeah.
321
00:12:22,784 --> 00:12:26,663
Last week you thought I
was crying wolf, didn't you?
322
00:12:26,955 --> 00:12:28,115
[Laughter]
- Lutz is the best.
323
00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:30,541
- Nice feet, Lutz.
- I like Lutz the most.
324
00:12:30,833 --> 00:12:32,436
- Look at all of you
trying to impress me.
325
00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:34,754
I feel like the bachelor.
326
00:12:35,046 --> 00:12:38,341
But, uh, whom
shall I give my Rose?
327
00:12:38,633 --> 00:12:40,677
[Laughter]
328
00:12:40,969 --> 00:12:44,764
It's so hard to choose when
everyone loves me so much.
329
00:12:45,056 --> 00:12:48,393
But only three of you can
ride to safety in my car.
330
00:12:48,685 --> 00:12:49,686
Mmm!
331
00:12:49,978 --> 00:12:51,938
[Laughter]
332
00:12:52,230 --> 00:12:54,023
[Softly] I don't
really have a car.
333
00:12:54,315 --> 00:12:55,400
[Laughs]
334
00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:01,114
- Tracy, your little
singing game is over.
335
00:13:01,406 --> 00:13:03,116
I got auto-tune for my computer,
336
00:13:03,408 --> 00:13:05,528
and if you try to sing, I'll
just take out the melody,
337
00:13:05,660 --> 00:13:07,203
and no one has to pay for that.
338
00:13:07,495 --> 00:13:09,038
[With auto-tune] ♪
Liz Lemon won ♪
339
00:13:09,330 --> 00:13:10,373
♪ do do do do ♪
340
00:13:10,665 --> 00:13:13,001
That was me singing the
Beatles' here comes the sun
341
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:14,293
for free.
342
00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:15,521
- [With auto-tune] L.L., please.
343
00:13:15,545 --> 00:13:17,755
[Normal voice] I'm
way ahead of you.
344
00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:19,090
And I'm not rehearsing.
345
00:13:19,382 --> 00:13:21,222
I'm going to shoot garden
gnomes with a handgun
346
00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:22,301
at Tupac's house.
347
00:13:22,510 --> 00:13:23,803
Yeah, Tupac is alive.
348
00:13:24,095 --> 00:13:25,775
I bet you'd like to
have that on your show.
349
00:13:26,055 --> 00:13:27,140
- Yes, Tracy, obviously.
350
00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:28,712
But again, I can't use any of it
351
00:13:28,891 --> 00:13:30,091
when you're wearing that mask.
352
00:13:30,184 --> 00:13:31,644
The rangers logo is trademarked.
353
00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:33,229
- Okay, fine. Jack was right.
354
00:13:33,521 --> 00:13:34,564
I can't out-crazy you.
355
00:13:34,856 --> 00:13:36,357
So we're gonna talk, right now.
356
00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:37,692
No cameras.
357
00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:44,699
All right, Tracy, the kid
gloves are coming off.
358
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:47,618
- Oh, that explains
it. Those are gloves.
359
00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:49,620
No wonder they're
so coarse and wrinkly.
360
00:13:49,912 --> 00:13:52,540
- Five years ago, I
rescued your career.
361
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:54,000
And how do you repay me?
362
00:13:54,292 --> 00:13:56,627
By making my life
harder at every turn.
363
00:13:56,919 --> 00:13:58,755
You are late. You
blow off rehearsals.
364
00:13:59,047 --> 00:14:01,632
And your online romance
prank was not funny!
365
00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:02,924
I fell in love with you!
366
00:14:03,051 --> 00:14:03,760
- [Laughs]
367
00:14:04,052 --> 00:14:05,928
You wore a yellow
hat to that coffee shop.
368
00:14:06,220 --> 00:14:08,097
You know what's actually
funny about all this?
369
00:14:08,389 --> 00:14:09,766
You think I'm the problem.
370
00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:11,684
Have you ever tried
to work with you?
371
00:14:11,976 --> 00:14:13,770
- Really? You're
trying to blame me?
372
00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:16,230
- Five years ago,
I saved your show.
373
00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:18,191
I rode in here on a white horse
374
00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:20,026
that you made me
leave in the lobby.
375
00:14:20,318 --> 00:14:23,529
All you do is stifle me when
you should be thanking me.
376
00:14:23,821 --> 00:14:24,882
- Oh, yeah, I should
be thanking you.
377
00:14:24,906 --> 00:14:28,701
Without me, do you have any
idea where you would be right now?
378
00:14:28,993 --> 00:14:31,287
- This honky grandma be trippin'
379
00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:33,498
over Surfmaster's
mid-range jet skis!
380
00:14:33,790 --> 00:14:36,209
Where do you think you
would be without me?
381
00:14:36,501 --> 00:14:38,044
- Now, Jerry, in rehearsal,
382
00:14:38,336 --> 00:14:39,962
it's okay to play with yourself.
383
00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:41,547
But when we do the show...
384
00:14:41,839 --> 00:14:43,966
- hey, dummy, you got
to drive me to paintball,
385
00:14:44,258 --> 00:14:45,258
and no complaining.
386
00:14:45,510 --> 00:14:46,830
The only reason
why I got that DUI
387
00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:48,304
is 'cause it was your birthday.
388
00:14:48,596 --> 00:14:51,182
What's up, Jerry?
[Laughs] That's awesome.
389
00:14:51,474 --> 00:14:54,519
- Well, at least Jerry
bothered to come to rehearsal.
390
00:14:54,811 --> 00:14:56,646
And in my alternate reality,
391
00:14:56,938 --> 00:14:58,815
Dennis dies, and
I win the lottery.
392
00:14:59,107 --> 00:15:00,947
- But then I would run
you over with a jet ski!
393
00:15:01,109 --> 00:15:02,819
- Damn it!
394
00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:07,156
- Jonathan, come in here!
395
00:15:07,448 --> 00:15:08,825
Fantastic news...
396
00:15:09,117 --> 00:15:11,119
There's been a natural disaster.
397
00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:12,662
- Was it in Indian kashmir?
398
00:15:12,954 --> 00:15:15,081
May Durga's trident
Pierce them from the skies!
399
00:15:15,373 --> 00:15:17,708
- No. A typhoon just hit an
island in the south pacific,
400
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,560
and news is going
to full-time coverage!
401
00:15:19,710 --> 00:15:21,796
It's perfect. The
island is called Mago.
402
00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:23,088
It's near Fiji.
403
00:15:23,297 --> 00:15:24,897
Heavy structural
damage, no fatalities...
404
00:15:25,133 --> 00:15:26,175
Sad, but not too sad.
405
00:15:26,467 --> 00:15:28,387
We'll get footage of
beautiful polynesian people,
406
00:15:28,636 --> 00:15:29,720
proud and topless,
407
00:15:30,012 --> 00:15:31,973
maybe a pelican
near some diapers.
408
00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:33,265
I don't know.
409
00:15:33,474 --> 00:15:34,767
- Oh, it's all
happening so fast.
410
00:15:35,059 --> 00:15:36,703
We haven't even given
this plan a code name.
411
00:15:36,727 --> 00:15:37,103
- Haven't we?
412
00:15:37,395 --> 00:15:41,858
Operation righteous
cowboy lightning is a go.
413
00:15:47,572 --> 00:15:49,132
- Okay, first of all,
I look weird there
414
00:15:49,157 --> 00:15:50,157
because I'm "snarting."
415
00:15:50,241 --> 00:15:51,993
- You "snarted" in
my dressing room?
416
00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:54,328
- And second of all,
I said no cameras.
417
00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:57,123
- That footage cannot
be shown on television.
418
00:15:57,415 --> 00:15:59,292
I'm trying to buy
a island over here.
419
00:15:59,584 --> 00:16:01,061
- I'm sorry, tray,
but now I just need
420
00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:02,128
a heartfelt resolution.
421
00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:04,180
So we're gonna use a
little reality-TV magic.
422
00:16:04,338 --> 00:16:06,507
We call it staging it or lying.
423
00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:08,485
We'll shoot you guys
meeting in the hallway.
424
00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:10,136
Uh, you apologize, you hug.
425
00:16:10,428 --> 00:16:12,180
- Ugh. You are disgusting.
426
00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:14,974
And I have absolutely no
reason to apologize to him.
427
00:16:15,266 --> 00:16:16,586
- And I have no
reason to hug her,
428
00:16:16,642 --> 00:16:18,936
other than my love of having
boobs pressed against me.
429
00:16:19,228 --> 00:16:19,770
- If I hugged you,
430
00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:21,662
I would angle it so
that you got no boob.
431
00:16:21,898 --> 00:16:23,378
- And I would
anticipate your angling,
432
00:16:23,524 --> 00:16:24,567
and I would get there.
433
00:16:24,859 --> 00:16:27,195
- [Groans]
- I would get there.
434
00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:28,154
[Door slams]
435
00:16:28,446 --> 00:16:29,989
- Yah!
436
00:16:30,281 --> 00:16:33,784
- Hey, buddy, I made you
an apocalypse road trip mix.
437
00:16:34,076 --> 00:16:35,453
I hope your car has a cd player.
438
00:16:35,745 --> 00:16:37,079
- [Scoffs] It has two.
439
00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:38,748
And it has flames on the side.
440
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,041
- Oh.
441
00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:42,126
- Lutzy, guess what.
442
00:16:42,418 --> 00:16:43,836
A friend of mine
works for marvel,
443
00:16:44,128 --> 00:16:45,928
and he got me four
tickets to a test screening
444
00:16:46,214 --> 00:16:47,798
of captain america tonight!
445
00:16:48,090 --> 00:16:49,258
- Nice!
446
00:16:49,550 --> 00:16:52,136
Chris Evans' body looks
amazing in the trailer.
447
00:16:52,428 --> 00:16:53,846
When's his men's heal th cover?
448
00:16:54,138 --> 00:16:58,851
- Okay, so who you gonna
take with you besides Frank?
449
00:17:09,237 --> 00:17:10,255
- Dude, make up your mind.
450
00:17:10,279 --> 00:17:11,614
We have to be in
Harrison by 6:00.
451
00:17:11,906 --> 00:17:13,616
- Wait. It's in New Jersey?
452
00:17:13,908 --> 00:17:15,188
How are we getting
to New Jersey?
453
00:17:15,409 --> 00:17:18,621
- You're going to
drive us, obviously.
454
00:17:18,913 --> 00:17:22,291
[Sobbing] What am I gonna do?
455
00:17:22,583 --> 00:17:24,478
- Where have you been,
sir? Have you seen the news?
456
00:17:24,502 --> 00:17:26,502
- I don't have to, Jonathan.
I know what's on it...
457
00:17:26,754 --> 00:17:28,005
The poor people of Mago island
458
00:17:28,297 --> 00:17:30,132
and their brave
shorts-wearing police force.
459
00:17:30,424 --> 00:17:31,717
- If you're just joining us,
460
00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:33,289
this is NBC's
continuing coverage
461
00:17:33,427 --> 00:17:35,221
of the devastation in Mago...
462
00:17:35,513 --> 00:17:38,766
The Fijian island owned by
controversial actor Mel Gibson.
463
00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:39,725
- Good god.
464
00:17:40,017 --> 00:17:41,644
- We are receiving reports
465
00:17:41,936 --> 00:17:43,416
of extensive damage
to the main house,
466
00:17:43,521 --> 00:17:45,731
as well as the house
for Gibson's cars.
467
00:17:46,023 --> 00:17:47,984
No word yet on the fate
of Gibson's collection
468
00:17:48,276 --> 00:17:51,529
of anti-semitic and
misogynistic literature.
469
00:17:51,821 --> 00:17:53,531
- No!
470
00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:56,117
No, this is not a prank.
This is Jack Donaghy.
471
00:17:56,409 --> 00:17:59,161
And I'm calling about operation
righteous cowboy lightning.
472
00:17:59,453 --> 00:18:00,830
[Elevator bell dings] Hello?
473
00:18:01,122 --> 00:18:02,402
- We are joined
now by a relative
474
00:18:02,623 --> 00:18:04,667
of the island's
owner... Oskar Gibson.
475
00:18:04,959 --> 00:18:06,079
- [Australian accent] G'day.
476
00:18:06,127 --> 00:18:09,088
First off, the holocaust
never happened.
477
00:18:09,380 --> 00:18:12,758
- Aah!
478
00:18:14,885 --> 00:18:17,972
- We go now to NBC's
exclusive primetime benefit
479
00:18:18,264 --> 00:18:20,308
for the victims of the
devastation in Mago,
480
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,935
specifically Mel Gibson
and his houseguest,
481
00:18:23,227 --> 00:18:24,227
Jon Gosselin.
482
00:18:24,395 --> 00:18:25,605
- [Gasps]
483
00:18:27,481 --> 00:18:29,859
- Why do bad things
happen to good people?
484
00:18:30,151 --> 00:18:31,902
We'll never know.
485
00:18:32,194 --> 00:18:33,946
But look at these pictures.
486
00:18:34,238 --> 00:18:36,699
Look at these beautiful souls...
487
00:18:36,991 --> 00:18:38,784
And pick up the phone.
488
00:18:39,076 --> 00:18:40,911
Every dollar you give to help...
489
00:18:41,203 --> 00:18:42,323
- [Male voice] Mel Gibson...
490
00:18:42,538 --> 00:18:43,956
- Will go towards rebuilding...
491
00:18:44,248 --> 00:18:45,488
- [Male voice] His sex jacuzzi.
492
00:18:45,541 --> 00:18:47,710
- ♪ And help the people ♪
493
00:18:48,002 --> 00:18:50,254
♪ the thing that happened ♪
494
00:18:50,546 --> 00:18:55,051
♪ happened to ♪
495
00:18:57,595 --> 00:18:58,721
[Horn honking]
496
00:18:59,013 --> 00:18:59,680
- Oh, here he comes!
497
00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:02,141
Pick me, Lutzy! Pick me!
498
00:19:06,854 --> 00:19:09,106
- Now, you can't all fit, so...
499
00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:11,233
- Dude, did you
just buy that car?
500
00:19:11,525 --> 00:19:12,610
- What?
501
00:19:12,902 --> 00:19:14,502
- There's a dealer
sticker in the window,
502
00:19:14,528 --> 00:19:15,528
you got no plates,
503
00:19:15,571 --> 00:19:18,074
and you made these flames
out of magic marker and tape!
504
00:19:18,366 --> 00:19:19,909
- I'd rather die
than ride with him.
505
00:19:20,201 --> 00:19:21,744
Let's go.
- Uh, okay.
506
00:19:22,036 --> 00:19:23,245
But now I do have a car,
507
00:19:23,537 --> 00:19:25,081
so everything's
like it was before.
508
00:19:25,373 --> 00:19:28,584
[Sobbing] It's all
like it was before!
509
00:19:28,876 --> 00:19:32,213
[Car door closes]
510
00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:33,505
- [Mutters weakly]
511
00:19:33,547 --> 00:19:36,967
- ♪ And help the people
the thing that happened ♪
512
00:19:37,259 --> 00:19:39,178
♪ happened to ♪
513
00:19:39,470 --> 00:19:40,596
♪ help the... ♪
514
00:19:40,888 --> 00:19:42,408
- Mm, we now return
to queen of Jordan.
515
00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:44,308
You heard me!
- Ugh.
516
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:48,104
[Onerepublic's secrets]
517
00:19:48,396 --> 00:19:49,396
What the hell?
518
00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:51,649
- Tracy, I need you.
519
00:19:51,941 --> 00:19:53,776
- Of course, friend.
- So we're good?
520
00:19:54,068 --> 00:19:56,028
- Never better.
- You're the best.
521
00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,739
Love you.
- Love you more!
522
00:20:00,408 --> 00:20:02,368
- Let's never fight again.
523
00:20:02,660 --> 00:20:05,830
- No, never, Tracy.
524
00:20:06,122 --> 00:20:08,958
- I know it's fake, but...
525
00:20:09,250 --> 00:20:12,378
[Crying] Damn it, I miss him.
526
00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:13,838
- [Crying]
527
00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:16,841
I knew I'd get that boob squish.
528
00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:18,968
- ♪ Honestly, I swear ♪
529
00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:20,469
♪ thought you saw me wink... ♪
530
00:20:20,761 --> 00:20:21,929
- Tracy, I'm sorry.
531
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:24,390
- Don't. You already
said it all on the show.
532
00:20:24,682 --> 00:20:25,933
You said it all.
533
00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:29,520
- I got there.
- I'm angling.
534
00:20:29,812 --> 00:20:31,147
I'm angling.
535
00:20:33,357 --> 00:20:35,568
- Hey. Are you okay?
536
00:20:35,860 --> 00:20:37,027
Oh, you're kidding.
537
00:20:37,319 --> 00:20:38,904
Your dumb stunt worked?
538
00:20:39,196 --> 00:20:41,490
- It was our highest rating
since that episode of SVU
539
00:20:41,782 --> 00:20:43,576
where the detectives
watched American idol.
540
00:20:43,868 --> 00:20:45,202
- It was a train wreck.
541
00:20:45,494 --> 00:20:46,203
- It was reality TV.
542
00:20:46,495 --> 00:20:47,764
It can be good.
It can be terrible.
543
00:20:47,788 --> 00:20:49,228
It just can't be
anything in between.
544
00:20:49,498 --> 00:20:52,752
- You know, some people
actually craft stories.
545
00:20:53,043 --> 00:20:54,604
And when the story
doesn't have an ending,
546
00:20:54,628 --> 00:20:56,338
you don't just create
one out of thin air
547
00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:57,630
by playing music
548
00:20:57,673 --> 00:21:00,009
or having people give
each other meaningful looks.
549
00:21:00,301 --> 00:21:01,886
Sure, that might
manipulate an audience
550
00:21:02,178 --> 00:21:03,738
into thinking they're
feeling something,
551
00:21:03,846 --> 00:21:05,264
but it sucks.
552
00:21:05,556 --> 00:21:07,183
[Onerepublic's secrets]
553
00:21:07,475 --> 00:21:10,019
- ♪ Tell me what
you want to hear ♪
554
00:21:10,311 --> 00:21:12,605
♪ something that'll
light those ears ♪
555
00:21:12,897 --> 00:21:15,941
♪ I'm sick of all
the insincere ♪
556
00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:21,155
♪ so I'm gonna give
all my secrets away ♪
40865
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof