All language subtitles for 30.Rock.S05E09.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE.SDH

- Hey, what was that sound?

It was opportunity knocking.

- No one knocked.
You just barged in.

- Knock knock.
- You were right, Donald.

It makes more sense
for you to enter first.

- It's okay, daddy.
We'll just start over.

- Uh, you know, why
don't we just dive in

to whatever this is?

- Okay, you remember Donald,

my son who's two
years older than me.

- Ah, yes, please.

As I recall, you own
the Tracy Jordan institute

for black karate.

- You wouldn't believe this,

but that business failed.

I blame Obama.

But the good news is,

Donald has a brand-new venture.

Sell him, son.

- It's a theme restaurant
in Times Square.

- Well, the theme restaurant
business model does work.

Nascar's fat load
cafe is a gold mine.

- Well, we got a
bunch of capital

from Brown and Folderson.

And we wanted to get
you a seat on this rocket

before it takes off.

- So it's decided. Jack's
on board as an investor.

- Ah, not so fast.

- So... it's... decid...

- uh, let's just
bottom-line this thing.

I never invest without
doing my research.

I'll do a site visit
tonight and kick the tires.

- All right, but if some
other investor comes along,

it's your loss.

- A Mexican billionaire's
calling me right now.

Excuse me.

Senior Mexico, uh, si
si. Yo soy Donald, si.

Andale'andale? Arriba arriba?

- What is senior Mexico saying?

Stop keeping me out of the loop!

[Exciting jazz music]

♪ ♪

- Hey, Jenna, I
need to go over...

Gah!

Snuh!
- What is it, Liz? We're busy.

- Jenna and I are mirroring

until we achieve
touchless orgasm.

And... finished.

- Agh.
- Well, I have to go to work.

My new Manager is
making us wear nametags.

I might as well be working

at a roller-skating
drag queen restaurant

under Taliban rule.

- But after your shift,

we still have our
special night, right?

- You have no idea how special.

- Ugh.

- Oh. We're celebrating
our six-month anniversary

and I think Paul is
going to pop the question.

- Really? That's
a little fast, isn't it?

- I will say yes when
Paul proposes...

That we make a sex tape
and leak it on the Internet.

- Oh, I thought you
meant marriage.

- God, no. Marriage
is like death.

You settle into a routine.
You lose all the spark.

- I don't know.

I always thought the whole point

of being with
someone for a long time

is to get to the
comfortable routine part.

- No. Relationships
are like sharks, Liz.

If you're not left with
several bite marks

after intercourse, then
something's wrong.

- Well, nothing's wrong
with me and Carol.

I mean, we haven't
spoken in five days,

but that doesn't mean anything
because we are not sharks.

We are legless turtles
rotting on the beach.

Jack, what makes a guy get
bored in a dating situation?

- That's an excellent question.

The answer is
questions like that.

- Look, this long
distance is hard.

And now Carol
and I haven't talked

in, like, five days

and my other stuff
is still unresolved.

- I get it, Lemon. You
need to see a therapist.

Someone you can
dump your problems on

and then get on
with your, uh, "life."

- Ugh. I'm trying. I just
can't find someone I like.

I mean, have you
ever been to a shrink?

- No. I believe that
when you have a problem,

you talk it over
with your priest,

or your tailor, or the
mute elevator Porter

at your men's club.

Then you take that
problem and crush it

with your mind vice.

But for lesser beings
like curly-haired men

and people who need glasses,

therapy can help.

And, Lemon, I want
you to get better

because... and I mean this...

I'm tired of talking
this much to a woman

I'm not having sex with.

- Hey, Jack. Welcome to staples.

- Why did you choose that name?

- Because staples
means "the basics."

And that's what
you're getting here.

Food, drinks, fun.
Staples. Yeah, we got that.

- Staples is also a
giant office supply chain.

- Well, we'll see who's still in
business 200 years from now.

Come on.

- Donald, I'm going to
pick a problem at random.

Is the theme of your
restaurant "not enough tables"?

- No. We just need a lot of room

for the monster fight.

- Excuse me?

- Jack, are you familiar

with the megarestaurant
medieval times?

Well, I took that model
and replaced the knights

with unlicensed versions
of Japanese monsters.

Ladies and gentlemen,

there's been an underwater
nuclear explosion.

A beast has been awakened.

It approaches with
fearsome steps.

Boom boom boom.

Are we paying the price
for our hubris of science?

Witness the primeval might
that is godzila with one "I"

for trademark reasons.

Oh, no one is safe!

Who all is going to protect us?

It's mechagodzila.

Boom boom boom.

Thank you for choosing staples.

- Ah! Donald, George
punched my crotch.

- You liked it.

- Oh, my god.

- [Knocks at door]
Captain Burnett

called earlier, miss Lemon.

- Finally. Not that it matters.

We're turtles.

- He said he doesn't
have cell phone service

'cause he's on layover
in Daytona beach.

But don't worry, he's fine
and having a great time

with his flight crew.

Uh, Stewart, Brenda,
Amber, crystal.

Also in the background,
I heard lady giggles

and the sound of
a beautiful sunset.

- See, this is why I need
to find someone to talk to.

- Talk to about what?
- Men. Trust.

I mean, I just feel
like sometimes men

aren't totally honest with me.

- Hmm. Go on.

- Well, for starters,

everyone I ever
dated in high school

turned out to be either gay

or a girl dressed as a guy

to get a journalism scholarship.

My own dad tried to
secretly cheat on my mom.

And I thought their
marriage was perfect.

Then, of course,
there's Santa claus.

- Okay. Talk about that.

- When I was seven,

I asked for a cb
radio for Christmas

so I could track gas
prices around the state

for a cool chart
that I was making.

- We'll get back to that later.

- When I didn't get it,

my dad blamed Santa claus.

Well, Santa made
an enemy that day.

And the next year
when he returned

to the schuylkill galleria,
so did vengeance.

- Ho ho ho. What can
Santa bring you this year?

- What does it matter?

You didn't bring me
what I asked for last year,

you fat fraud.

You're a bigger disappointment
than our current president

Jimmy Carter.

- I am a fraud, little boy.

[Gasps]

My wife still thinks
I work at the bank.

- I guess Santa
claus was the first man

to ever betray me.

- That must've been difficult.

- It was.

But it feels good
to talk about it.

Thanks.

- Miss Lemon,

there's a reason
god gave us two ears

and only one mouth.

Listening is twice as
important as talking.

But he gave us ten fingers.

He must really want
us to poke things.

- Oh.
- Poke poke poke poke.

- [Exhales]

- Oh. It's the vacant lot

where we had
our first face kiss.

- Who stole my canteen?

- Jena, what we
have is so beautiful.

People need to see how
happy we make each other.

And I think we're
ready to take that step.

So over Christmas, I
want you to come to Ohio

and meet my parents.

- What?
- Happy anniversary.

- Hey, get a room!
Whatever that is.

- Well, Tracy, I went to
the restaurant last night.

That place is a disaster.

- Damn it, you think
I don't know that?

I've poured more cash
into Donald's restaurant

than my money
pit in Connecticut.

- You have a house
in Connecticut?

- No, I do not.

Jack, I need other
investors besides me.

- What? You're the
only one bankrolling this?

What about Brown and Folderson?

- That's what I call my wallet.

I've bankrolled every one
of Donald's dumb ideas.

But what choice do I
have? I'm his father.

- But you're doing him no favors

as a business
partner or a father.

You need to cut him off.

- Come on. The boy's
only 43 years old.

- Tracy, listen to me,

not everyone is cut out
to be a businessman.

For example, curly-haired men
and people who need glasses.

- But I can't crush his dreams.

- You're not. You're
just letting him fly

with his own wings.

- I bankrolled that too.

Thank god we tested
it with a monkey first.

- Oh, miss Lemon,
I'm signing people up

for the TGS softball team.

So far I have eight nos

and 25 shove it
up your goon-holes.

- Shove it up your goon-hole.
- Okay.

- You know, ever since we
had our little talk yesterday,

I've been doing some thinking.

- Oh, good.

If I remember correctly,

we were discussing
men and trust.

- Yeah. And it got me
thinking about my aunt Linda.

- What was she like?
- Great until she got divorced.

My uncle Harry
was cheating on her.

- Another male
betrayal. Go with that.

- My parents used to make
me go to Linda's house

just so she'd have company.

I hated those visits.

- Your uncle never
liked my cooking.

But you do, right, Elizabeth?

You love your aunt Linda.

Here's a fun game:

Put on Harry's Cologne

and give me a
backrub in the bath.

[Laughs]

[Cries]

- To this day, whenever I hear
someone's getting divorced,

I can still taste
that egg and I...

Oh, my god.

My trust issues
and my food issues

are connected.

Uncle Harold is the reason

eggs make me gag.

Kenneth, you're
the perfect therapist.

I can dump all of
my problems on you,

walk away, and
move on with my life.

It's a win-win.

- Why did she have
to say "Harold"?

- Liz.

Last night was a disaster.

And not the good kind

where I get to
sing at a benefit.

- What happened?

- Paul's idea of
moving things forward

is me meeting his parents.

He said they live
in a "soo-borb."

- Suburb. Come on, Jenna.

It's not what you
wanted, but it's progress.

- In the wrong direction.

- I think I know
what's really going on

between you and Paul.

You're in love

and it's terrifying to you.

You're trying to sabotage it.

- Sabotage?

I'm the one trying to
make this relationship work.

Which is why I'm
gonna have to be the one

to propose the sex tape.

Call me old-fashioned,

but I think that's
the man's job.

- Jack, I found a
therapist and I've made

some big breakthroughs.

I know you don't
know what this means,

but I'm eating eggs again.

- I know it means this
conversation is disgusting.

- [Laughs]

- Okay, Donald is on his way up.

I know cutting him off is hard,

but it's your duty
as a parent...

- [laughs]

- Tracy, do not laugh
at the word "duty."

Be strong. Be rational.
[Inhales] No emotion.

- Unemotional. Got it.
- Daddy, what's going on?

- [Crying] I just
love you so much!

- I love you too, daddy.

[Both bawling]

- Okay, stop it.

Donald, what Tracy
is trying to tell you

is that you're an adult

and he will no longer
support you financially.

- Is that true, daddy?

- For the love of god,
stop calling him "daddy."

- It is true, little man.

- But I need you to
be a big boy on this.

You're just not meant
to be a businessman.

- Fine. I'll be okay.

I got other ideas.

Like a microbrewery that
also serves frozen yogurt.

I'm gonna call it "Microsoft."

- I have this recurring dream.

Actually, is it recurring
if you wake yourself up

with a [snorts] and
then return to it?

Anyway, in the
dream, I'm a baby.

[Voice echoing]

I think it has to do
with my issues with sex.

- Lemon, what are you doing?
Is Kenneth your therapist?

- Well, kind of.
- He can't handle that.

Look at his head shape.
He has no brain pan!

- It's fine,
Mr. Donaghy. I'm okay.

[High-pitched voice]
And so am I. I'm Cheryl.

- This is exactly why I told
you to see a professional.

You dump your problems on
some half-baked Barney fife

and you can start
a chain reaction

of mental anguish.

Look what you've done to him.

- But he's such a good listener
and he takes my insurance.

- I'm going to
help you. Lie down.

Put your mental
burden in my mind vice

and I will crush it.

Kenneth, who is Harold?

- He... was a role model
of mine growing up.

- [Whispers] Please
let Harold be human.

- Harold was a pig.

You see, my father passed
when I was just a young boy.

After that, I was alone
a lot and awful sad.

But that pig saved me.

In some ways,

Harold was the only thing I had

that was like a father.

- You had a void to fill.

Continue.

- Then one day,

my mama told me
we had to sell him.

I knew what that meant.

Harold was off to
the slaughterhouse.

- I know it's difficult...
- I'm not done, sir.

It gets worse.

With Harold gone,

there was nothing
keeping me at home.

It was time for me
to move to New York

and follow my dreams.

But I needed $300

for the river ferry- train-ox
cart-train-bus ticket.

And that's when I saw the sign.

I knew I could win that contest.

Heck, I'd once
eaten an entire witch.

A pig was nothing.

And then they brought me mine.

I would have recognized
those eyes anywhere.

- Kenneth, no.
- It was Harold.

And I ate all of him. Even
the face in case of a tie.

- Good god!
- I ate him, sir!

I ate my father pig!

[Whimpers and squeals]

- Okay! Or you gave
his death meaning.

His sacrifice made
you what you are today,

which is the
lowest-level employee

at the last-place
network in america.

- I guess that is
true. Thank you, sir.

I'll think on that.

And you're sure you're okay
hearing about all my problems?

- Of course, I'm Jack Donaghy.

- [Exhales]

- Oh, no. Crush it.

Oh, god, here
comes my childhood!

[Cries]

- I'm in here, Paul!

- The restaurant
was crazy today.

During nude hour, I got custard

all over my penis.

What's going on in here?

- You want to take
this to the next level?

Let's videotape our lovemaking,

pretend the tape got stolen,
and let the whole world see.

- Wow. I don't know, Jenna.

I'm pretty beat.
- I see.

Fine. I guess we're just
done having any adventure

or excitement in our lives.

- God. Well, jeez, I'm
sorry that I'm happy

with the way things are.

Come on, why can't we just
paint each other's toenails,

watch vintage pornography,

and then go to bed in our
swing like a normal couple?

- Because it's boring.

We might as well be married...

- okay, this isn't about
us being adventurous.

This is about you being
afraid to settle down with me.

- That's not true.
- Fine. Let's do this tape.

But then what? What
will you want next?

- Well, there's a
sex resort in Japan

where white people
are treated like slaves.

- No, Jenna!

You're making it impossible

to live up to your expectations.

- What are you saying?

- I'm saying adopting a dog

so it can watch us make love

and then returning
it claiming that it bit

our imaginary child is
everything that I need.

But if that's really
not enough for you,

tell me now.

- I'm sorry.
- Very well.

I'm not going to beg
you. I have my dignity.

I trust you to fairly
divide up our panties.

I'll come get them tomorrow
while you're at work.

- Oh, miss Lemon, I
have another message

from captain Burnett.

Please don't get sad,
and remember things,

and infect me again.

- Kenneth, it's okay.

I'm not worried
about Carol anymore.

I'm just sorry I
messed you up like that.

- Don't worry. I had my
brain cleaned by Mr. Donaghy.

Oh, I told him everything.
How Harold was...

- no, no! Don't
tell me your story!

I can't handle it. Look
how small my head is.

- Oh, my! So tiny.

- Daddy, I wanted to give
you your share of our profits

before I shut down my dream.

Someone left it in coat check.

- Tracy, listen to
me. I was wrong.

Don't turn your back on Donald.

- Too late. Look
how we're positioned.

- Kenneth told
me a story earlier...

A story about fathers and sons.

And despite my best effort,

it unearthed a memory
from my own childhood.

As a boy, I wanted
to be an astronaut,

or a deep-sea diver,
a man of science.

But I was raised
by Jimmy Donaghy,

a man who projected
his own failed dreams

on to his family.

When I was in third grade,

my class put on a science play.

The night before,
Jimmy came home drunk

and found me
rehearsing my lines.

I was struggling with
the science terms.

And Jimmy laughed
and said "well, looky here.

"Dr. Jack. The boy
wants to be a scientist.

"Chowderhead can't
even say the words!

You'll never be nothing!"

The next day, I was
up on that Stage.

I looked out at the audience,
I saw Jimmy, and I froze.

- I am a protoin. Protein!

All living orgasms...
I mean orgasms.

- Chowderhead can't
even say the words.

- When I got home, I
threw away my microscope,

my shell collection,
my map of the stars.

- [Coughs] Nerd.

- A parent is the one
person who is supposed

to make their kid think
they can do anything.

Says they're beautiful
even when they're ugly.

Thinks they're smart even
when they go to Arizona state.

Let the rest of the
world tear your kid down.

Your job is to support
him no matter what.

Tracy believes you, Donald.
Go and make him proud.

- That's a nice,
long speech and all,

but your daddy was right.

You couldn't be a scientist.

You could even be
protein in a school play.

And I can't run a
business. I'm a failure.

- I...

Am a protein!

All living organisms
need me to function.

A basic building block
of the human body.

I'm made from amino
acids found in ribosomes.

Proteins give
energy to everything

from flowers and butterflies

to heroes who
turn in communists.

I am a protein.

- Daddy, can I have
$50,000 to start a business

where people can call in
and get air quality reports

from all across
the United States?

I'm gonna call it...
- Donald, no.

- American airlines.
- And it's going to work, son!

[Crying]

- This is what happens
when you work at being happy.

Godzilla sits next to
you while you're eating

an egg salad sandwich.

What a world.
- What's the point?

I moved here to
make it to Broadway.

Now look at me. I'm pathetic.

I've got no real skills.
A degree in theater tech.

So you move back
to Pennsylvania.

Live with your parents.

All of your old friends
have kids and careers.

And what do you have?

Maybe your name on a TV show

that no one will even remember.

I should've moved to
Cleveland with that guy

when I had the chance.

- Damn you, Gojira!