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1
00:00:01,960 --> 00:00:04,004
(Woman) 10 minutes.
That's 10 minutes to air.
2
00:00:04,296 --> 00:00:06,924
Cast should be changing
for the cold open.
3
00:00:10,135 --> 00:00:12,179
[ Sighs ]
4
00:00:12,471 --> 00:00:14,848
Hey, you wanted to see me?
5
00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:17,684
Does it seem
weird in here to you?
6
00:00:17,976 --> 00:00:22,773
[ Laughter ]
7
00:00:23,065 --> 00:00:30,364
[ Cheers and applause ]
8
00:00:30,656 --> 00:00:33,534
Everything looks like
a Mexican soap opera.
9
00:00:33,825 --> 00:00:35,035
I don't know. Does it?
10
00:00:35,327 --> 00:00:38,872
Good god, I can see every
line and pore in your face.
11
00:00:40,123 --> 00:00:42,209
It looks like a
ymca climbing wall.
12
00:00:42,501 --> 00:00:44,920
Yeah. My face
cream was recalled.
13
00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:47,381
Apparently, it was
destroying the lab rats'...
14
00:00:47,673 --> 00:00:50,384
Uh, oh, what is
that word? Brains.
15
00:00:50,676 --> 00:00:52,511
Ah. I just wanted
to let you know that
16
00:00:52,803 --> 00:00:53,929
while Avery is pregnant,
17
00:00:54,221 --> 00:00:55,221
I am giving up drinking.
18
00:00:55,806 --> 00:00:57,891
If she can't drink,
I won't drink.
19
00:00:58,183 --> 00:01:01,270
Wow. I don't know if
that's a good idea for you.
20
00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:02,722
Do you remember what happened
21
00:01:02,771 --> 00:01:04,606
that time I tried to
give up refined sugars?
22
00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:07,901
Hey, looking good, Liz.
23
00:01:08,193 --> 00:01:09,736
[ Cheers and applause ]
24
00:01:10,028 --> 00:01:11,905
Thank you. Thank you.
25
00:01:12,197 --> 00:01:13,198
But you know what?
26
00:01:13,490 --> 00:01:15,867
Our bodies... we don't
want all that processed junk.
27
00:01:16,159 --> 00:01:17,999
I don't know if you've
read Michael Pollan's...
28
00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:19,204
Who wants donuts?
29
00:01:19,496 --> 00:01:20,496
[ Chuckles ]
30
00:01:20,539 --> 00:01:26,253
I will kill you!
31
00:01:26,545 --> 00:01:28,630
Why are you better-looking
in your memory?
32
00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:30,882
My memory has "Seinfeld" money.
33
00:01:31,174 --> 00:01:32,509
Oh.
34
00:01:32,801 --> 00:01:33,801
Well, don't worry for me.
35
00:01:34,011 --> 00:01:35,679
Drinking has always
been about the ritual,
36
00:01:35,971 --> 00:01:37,556
so I just have to
replace the ritual.
37
00:01:37,848 --> 00:01:39,891
And Avery got me
this nice tea set,
38
00:01:40,183 --> 00:01:42,269
some knitting needles and yarn,
39
00:01:42,561 --> 00:01:45,772
and a book on
sleight-of-hand magic.
40
00:01:46,064 --> 00:01:47,232
♪ Dah, dah-dah-dah ♪
41
00:01:47,524 --> 00:01:48,525
♪ dah-dah, dah-dah-dah ♪
42
00:01:48,817 --> 00:01:50,861
♪ dah, dah-dah-dah ♪
♪ dah-dah, dah-dah ♪
43
00:01:51,153 --> 00:01:52,380
♪ dah-dah-dah, dah-dah ♪
♪ dah ♪
44
00:01:52,404 --> 00:01:53,947
That's as far as I've gotten.
45
00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:56,700
Okay, well, uh, if that's it,
46
00:01:56,992 --> 00:01:58,619
I'm just gonna go downstairs.
47
00:01:58,910 --> 00:02:00,203
Yeah, have a good show.
48
00:02:00,495 --> 00:02:02,706
I'm, uh, dreading
watching it sober.
49
00:02:02,998 --> 00:02:04,291
[ Chuckles ]
50
00:02:06,001 --> 00:02:09,212
Hey, um, Jack knows
it's my birthday, right?
51
00:02:09,504 --> 00:02:10,881
Hmm. Let me see.
52
00:02:11,173 --> 00:02:14,551
Oh, I have my master list
of staff birthdays right here.
53
00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:16,428
Oh, no.
54
00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:18,472
I seem to have
forgotten to put you on it.
55
00:02:18,764 --> 00:02:22,142
Uh-huh. Is this because of
that joke I made the other day?
56
00:02:22,434 --> 00:02:24,895
[ Clears throat ]
Jonathan, get me a pen!
57
00:02:25,187 --> 00:02:27,731
Yeah, chai boy, get in here.
58
00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:31,526
"You'll never be a millionaire."
59
00:02:32,944 --> 00:02:35,280
[ Laughs ]
60
00:02:37,115 --> 00:02:39,242
"Slumdog millionaire" ref...
61
00:02:39,534 --> 00:02:40,535
Blammo.
62
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:44,164
I don't know what
you're talking about.
63
00:02:44,456 --> 00:02:46,166
Whatever. Jack will
remember my birthday
64
00:02:46,458 --> 00:02:47,458
because we're friends.
65
00:02:47,626 --> 00:02:49,544
Also, it's a pretty
big birthday.
66
00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:50,879
[ Chuckling ] Oh.
67
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:52,506
Are you turning 1,000?
68
00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:56,718
Really, you want to play this
game with a comedy writer?
69
00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:00,555
Oh! Aah!
70
00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:02,182
Ugh!
71
00:03:03,266 --> 00:03:04,768
♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
72
00:03:05,060 --> 00:03:07,729
♪ live show, it's the
"30 rock" live show ♪
73
00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:10,461
♪ it's "30 rock" live ♪ ♪ it's
live, there's a lot more perk ♪
74
00:03:10,732 --> 00:03:12,292
♪ it's a chance, but
it might not work ♪
75
00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:15,153
♪ why, though, do a
"30 rock" live show? ♪
76
00:03:15,445 --> 00:03:17,280
♪ Why "30 rock" live? ♪
♪ 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 ♪
77
00:03:17,572 --> 00:03:20,867
♪ because this is my
gift to you, our audience ♪
78
00:03:21,159 --> 00:03:23,036
[ Cheers and applause ]
79
00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:30,419
Oh, hi. Hi, Edwiga.
80
00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:32,921
Hellos.
81
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:34,589
Haven't seen you in a while.
82
00:03:34,881 --> 00:03:36,800
Yes. Bullet in brain move.
83
00:03:37,092 --> 00:03:38,092
[ Chuckles ]
84
00:03:38,343 --> 00:03:39,928
Much hospital.
85
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:42,139
Oh, my god. Well, so,
I'm glad to see you back.
86
00:03:42,431 --> 00:03:44,831
Oh, you know, I wanted to let
you know there's probably gonna
87
00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:46,051
be some kind of a party later
88
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:47,436
'cause it's my birthday.
89
00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:48,937
Ooh!
90
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:50,731
"Happy days"
91
00:03:51,022 --> 00:03:52,899
is my favorite show.
92
00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:56,427
Yes, "happy days" is a... is
a great show, but... but, well,
93
00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:57,863
anyway, there might be a mess,
94
00:03:58,155 --> 00:04:00,866
and... are we
understanding each other?
95
00:04:01,158 --> 00:04:02,200
Yeah, yeah.
96
00:04:02,492 --> 00:04:04,619
I-I clean you now?
No, no. No, you don't...
97
00:04:04,911 --> 00:04:07,181
You don't have to clean me.
I'm just saying you may have to
98
00:04:07,205 --> 00:04:09,708
clean up after a surprise party
later 'cause it's my birthday,
99
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:11,585
and it's a big one. Wah!
100
00:04:11,877 --> 00:04:13,920
Wah! Wah!
101
00:04:14,212 --> 00:04:16,339
Wah! Wah! What
are we doing, Edwiga?
102
00:04:16,631 --> 00:04:18,759
I like Fonzie. Okay.
103
00:04:19,050 --> 00:04:20,343
"Hey!"
104
00:04:20,635 --> 00:04:23,472
His office is bathroom,
just like Edwiga.
105
00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:24,764
[ Elevator bell dings ]
106
00:04:24,931 --> 00:04:27,350
Okay. Good talk, Edwiga.
107
00:04:27,642 --> 00:04:29,644
Wah! Wah!
108
00:04:32,647 --> 00:04:33,732
Oh, miss Maroney.
109
00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:35,192
I have your messages.
110
00:04:35,484 --> 00:04:37,903
A Mr. Brett fav-re stopped by
111
00:04:38,195 --> 00:04:40,405
and dropped off this
picture of a hot dog.
112
00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:42,407
There you go. Finally.
113
00:04:42,699 --> 00:04:44,743
[ Chuckles ] Oh, and
the Chilean miners are
114
00:04:45,035 --> 00:04:46,620
all out, and they are very angry
115
00:04:46,912 --> 00:04:48,222
about what you've
been saying about them.
116
00:04:48,246 --> 00:04:49,498
Oh, so I guess they're
117
00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:51,583
geniuses for getting
stuck in a mine.
118
00:04:51,875 --> 00:04:54,878
Uh, also, your pharmacy
called, and apparently, you
119
00:04:55,170 --> 00:04:56,797
can't get a
prescription for ecstasy.
120
00:04:57,088 --> 00:04:58,590
[ Chuckles ] [ Sighs ]
121
00:04:58,882 --> 00:05:01,259
Thanks, obamacare.
122
00:05:01,551 --> 00:05:02,803
If you need someone to scream
123
00:05:03,094 --> 00:05:05,722
at, I'm right here.
Hey, Kenneth.
124
00:05:06,014 --> 00:05:07,766
Oh. [ Chuckles ]
125
00:05:08,058 --> 00:05:09,601
Hello, Ms. Lemon.
126
00:05:09,893 --> 00:05:11,311
[ Giggles ]
127
00:05:11,603 --> 00:05:12,771
What's up, giggly?
128
00:05:13,063 --> 00:05:14,773
Oh, I don't know. Nothing.
129
00:05:15,065 --> 00:05:16,775
Mr. Hornberger needs to see you
130
00:05:17,067 --> 00:05:18,902
in Mr. Jordan's
dressing room right away.
131
00:05:19,194 --> 00:05:20,779
Oh, really? I wonder why.
132
00:05:21,071 --> 00:05:23,406
I don't know. You
better find out.
133
00:05:23,698 --> 00:05:25,575
[ Laughs ]
134
00:05:28,745 --> 00:05:29,871
Surprise, Liz!
135
00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:31,414
Tracy's come up with a new way
136
00:05:31,706 --> 00:05:33,750
to ruin the show. What? No, no.
137
00:05:34,042 --> 00:05:35,335
I told you... your lizard cannot
138
00:05:35,627 --> 00:05:37,504
be the musical
guest. Of course not.
139
00:05:37,796 --> 00:05:40,757
His album doesn't
drop until December.
140
00:05:41,049 --> 00:05:42,175
No, no, Liz.
141
00:05:42,467 --> 00:05:46,179
Last night, for the first time ever,
Tracy watched the non-porn version
142
00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:47,591
of "the Carol Burnett show."
143
00:05:47,764 --> 00:05:48,764
Sure.
144
00:05:48,890 --> 00:05:51,601
It was funnier than the porn
version, and the best part is
145
00:05:51,893 --> 00:05:53,311
when the actors
started cracking up.
146
00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:55,843
They laughed so hard, they
couldn't even finish the skit.
147
00:05:55,981 --> 00:05:57,774
Uh-huh. And your point is...
148
00:05:58,066 --> 00:05:59,109
I would like to do that,
149
00:05:59,401 --> 00:06:00,777
please.
150
00:06:01,069 --> 00:06:02,069
Do what?
151
00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:03,360
Crack up instead of saying
152
00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:04,610
these stupid lines I wrote.
153
00:06:04,739 --> 00:06:06,575
Hey, stupid lines I wrote,
154
00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:08,067
and, no, we're not doing that.
155
00:06:08,159 --> 00:06:10,912
You never take my
creative suggestions.
156
00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:13,623
The only other one I can
remember is when you wanted me
157
00:06:13,915 --> 00:06:16,001
to hire those two strippers
to dance behind you.
158
00:06:16,293 --> 00:06:19,629
And you should have.
Those dudes were awesome...
159
00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:21,882
And so is my crack-up idea.
160
00:06:22,173 --> 00:06:24,593
Okay. Tracy, what you're
talking about is called
161
00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:26,720
"breaking," and, you know, sure,
162
00:06:27,012 --> 00:06:29,514
audiences love it when
something goes wrong.
163
00:06:29,806 --> 00:06:32,809
Okay, but we don't do that here.
164
00:06:33,101 --> 00:06:34,811
It's cheap, okay,
so no breaking.
165
00:06:35,103 --> 00:06:36,813
Promise? I promise.
166
00:06:37,105 --> 00:06:38,815
I swear on my mother's grape.
167
00:06:39,107 --> 00:06:41,776
Okay. Wait. Did you
say "grave" or "grape"?
168
00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:46,323
Yes, goodbye.
169
00:06:46,615 --> 00:06:47,616
[ Door closes ]
170
00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:49,969
Gentlemen, tonight, I'm
gonna laugh harder than I did at
171
00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:51,661
Dot Com's play.
172
00:06:51,953 --> 00:06:55,040
It was "angels
in america," tray.
173
00:06:56,833 --> 00:07:00,170
[ Laughter ]
174
00:07:00,462 --> 00:07:02,672
Oh, Ms. Lemon,
Mr. Donaghy called.
175
00:07:02,964 --> 00:07:04,404
Yeah. Why are you
giggling like that?
176
00:07:04,674 --> 00:07:05,674
It's very misleading.
177
00:07:05,884 --> 00:07:07,177
Oh, I'm sorry.
178
00:07:07,469 --> 00:07:09,179
It's just Mr. Lutz is wearing
179
00:07:09,471 --> 00:07:11,264
the most hilarious t-shirt, and
180
00:07:11,556 --> 00:07:14,017
every time I see it,
well, just take a look.
181
00:07:14,309 --> 00:07:15,352
Ha!
182
00:07:15,644 --> 00:07:16,644
[ Laughs ]
183
00:07:16,811 --> 00:07:18,011
Whoever's standing next to him
184
00:07:18,063 --> 00:07:19,606
is stupid. [ Laughs ]
185
00:07:19,898 --> 00:07:21,441
That guy is stupid!
186
00:07:21,733 --> 00:07:24,819
Now she's stupid. Now they are.
187
00:07:25,111 --> 00:07:26,821
Now I were.
188
00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:28,907
[ Laughs ]
189
00:07:29,199 --> 00:07:32,702
Anyway... mr. Donaghy called
while you were in with Mr. Jordan.
190
00:07:32,994 --> 00:07:34,663
He needs to see
you right away. Okay.
191
00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:36,164
Oh, Liz.
192
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:37,624
I almost forgot.
193
00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:39,292
"Happy birthday"...
194
00:07:39,584 --> 00:07:42,253
The song... legal says we
can't use it in the birthday sketch,
195
00:07:42,545 --> 00:07:47,258
but we can use "it's your
b-day, bitch," by Snooki's mom.
196
00:07:49,761 --> 00:07:51,805
Wait. Did I just
hear that correctly?
197
00:07:52,097 --> 00:07:53,556
Because last
year, I wrote a song
198
00:07:53,848 --> 00:07:55,208
called "it's your
birthday, slut."
199
00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:57,727
Does Mrs. Polizzi's track
sound anything like this?
200
00:07:58,019 --> 00:07:59,562
♪ You say that
it's your birthday ♪
201
00:07:59,854 --> 00:08:01,606
♪ time to skank it up hard ♪
202
00:08:01,898 --> 00:08:04,484
♪ choke a cop
with your panties ♪
203
00:08:04,776 --> 00:08:06,361
No? No?
204
00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:10,156
Thank you. Thank you.
205
00:08:17,872 --> 00:08:20,625
Did you just knit that?
206
00:08:20,917 --> 00:08:22,252
I need a drink, Lemon.
207
00:08:22,544 --> 00:08:25,005
Oh, already? Okay,
w-we can get through this.
208
00:08:25,296 --> 00:08:26,673
It turns out it's
not the ritual.
209
00:08:26,965 --> 00:08:29,676
According it a bunch
of online questionnaires,
210
00:08:29,968 --> 00:08:31,344
I have a drinking problem.
211
00:08:31,636 --> 00:08:33,722
Oh, god, I have a
splitting headache!
212
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:35,515
Okay. Replace the ritual.
213
00:08:35,807 --> 00:08:37,887
Replace the ritual. Could
you come over here, please?
214
00:08:37,934 --> 00:08:40,103
Yeah. Here we go. Shh!
215
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,196
Did you finish the magic book?
216
00:08:50,488 --> 00:08:52,490
I cannot divulge my secrets.
217
00:08:52,782 --> 00:08:55,910
I don't want to let Avery
down, but this is so hard.
218
00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:58,621
Distract me,
Lemon. Entertain me.
219
00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:02,625
Okay. Uh, open on the
covent garden flower market.
220
00:09:02,917 --> 00:09:04,836
The year... 1892!
221
00:09:05,128 --> 00:09:07,505
[ Cockney accent ]
Flowers, flowers for sale!
222
00:09:07,797 --> 00:09:09,799
Get out of here!
223
00:09:14,429 --> 00:09:16,347
Did he remember your birthday?
224
00:09:16,639 --> 00:09:18,141
Oh, come on.
225
00:09:18,433 --> 00:09:19,434
[ Sighs ]
226
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:22,729
[ Jazz music plays ]
227
00:09:23,021 --> 00:09:24,647
15 seconds. What's up, New York?
228
00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:26,441
Tracy Jordan in the house!
229
00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:31,279
[ Cheers and applause ]
230
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:33,615
You're the real stars!
231
00:09:33,907 --> 00:09:35,658
Not really!
232
00:09:35,950 --> 00:09:36,950
[ Dramatic music plays ]
233
00:09:37,202 --> 00:09:41,164
Fox news, a division of
fox nonsense, incorporated.
234
00:09:41,456 --> 00:09:42,916
Welcome back to fox news.
235
00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:46,503
I'm blond.
236
00:09:46,795 --> 00:09:49,547
President Obama,
in your own words,
237
00:09:49,839 --> 00:09:53,301
why are you a terrorist
who hates america?
238
00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:56,679
That's an excellent
question. Uh-oh!
239
00:09:56,971 --> 00:09:59,682
I'm doing something
called "breaking"!
240
00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:01,518
[ Laughs maniacally ]
241
00:10:01,810 --> 00:10:03,812
Snort! Hee-hee! Giggle, giggle!
242
00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:05,855
The audience loves this.
243
00:10:06,147 --> 00:10:09,484
[ Cheers and applause ]
244
00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:10,819
Oh, that idiot.
245
00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:12,821
[ Sighs ] Fine. Just
go to commercial.
246
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:14,280
Go to commercial.
247
00:10:14,572 --> 00:10:15,949
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
248
00:10:16,241 --> 00:10:18,660
Erectile dysfunction...
249
00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:21,246
It's not just a dog
problem anymore.
250
00:10:21,538 --> 00:10:24,082
It also affects millions of men.
251
00:10:24,374 --> 00:10:26,751
Hello. I'm "doctor"
Leo Spaceman.
252
00:10:27,669 --> 00:10:30,380
For too long, erectile
dysfunction has been viewed
253
00:10:30,672 --> 00:10:31,881
as a physical problem,
254
00:10:32,173 --> 00:10:34,634
and it's been treated
with pills and ointments
255
00:10:34,926 --> 00:10:38,513
and contraptions whose
straps break all too easily.
256
00:10:38,805 --> 00:10:41,558
But couldn't the real cause of
E.D. be that we haven't produced
257
00:10:41,850 --> 00:10:44,394
a good doing-it song
since "close the door"
258
00:10:44,686 --> 00:10:46,104
by Teddy Pendergrass?
259
00:10:46,563 --> 00:10:48,523
That's why I recorded an album.
260
00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:49,858
[ Slow music plays ]
261
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:53,278
♪ Baby, let's take it slow ♪
262
00:10:53,570 --> 00:10:55,488
♪ you know,
we've got all night ♪
263
00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:56,948
♪ light some candles,
264
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:58,908
draw a bath, and start off
265
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:02,662
with full-on intercourse ♪
266
00:11:02,954 --> 00:11:04,539
Guaranteed to end erectile
267
00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:06,374
dysfunction, these are the sweet
268
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,543
sounds of "Dr. Leo Spaceman's
269
00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:10,420
love storm: An ultra-strength
270
00:11:10,712 --> 00:11:13,214
audio reboneulator."
271
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:16,301
♪ Baby, let's let
the dog watch us ♪
272
00:11:16,593 --> 00:11:18,469
♪ do you think he understands
273
00:11:18,761 --> 00:11:20,388
the love that we have? ♪
274
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,432
♪ Oops, I'm finished ♪
275
00:11:22,724 --> 00:11:24,517
♪ call yourself a cab ♪
276
00:11:24,809 --> 00:11:27,437
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
277
00:11:27,729 --> 00:11:29,772
[ Cheers and applause ]
278
00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:40,783
Hey, idiot!
279
00:11:41,075 --> 00:11:44,370
Liz, I know we're not usually
the most grateful bunch,
280
00:11:44,662 --> 00:11:47,165
but everybody here...
And I mean everybody...
281
00:11:47,457 --> 00:11:50,126
Is signing this birthday card
for Edwiga, the cleaning lady.
282
00:11:50,418 --> 00:11:52,295
Really? Edwiga's birthday?
283
00:11:52,587 --> 00:11:54,881
I look out for her. We're
friends with benefits.
284
00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:59,302
Tracy, you should be
ashamed of yourself.
285
00:11:59,594 --> 00:12:01,721
I can't be. I'm missing
that part of my brain.
286
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:03,806
Why are you doing this?
287
00:12:04,098 --> 00:12:05,516
Why does anybody do anything?
288
00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:08,019
They're rich or they have
attention deficit disor...
289
00:12:08,311 --> 00:12:09,812
Look at Lutz's shirt.
290
00:12:10,104 --> 00:12:11,104
[ Laughs ]
291
00:12:11,356 --> 00:12:12,607
Ah!
292
00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:15,443
You are ruining the
show. No more laughing.
293
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:18,154
All right, no more
laughing. I promise.
294
00:12:18,446 --> 00:12:19,530
Kraut's honor.
295
00:12:19,822 --> 00:12:20,823
Wait.
296
00:12:21,115 --> 00:12:23,534
Did you say "scout"
or "kraut"? Goodbye!
297
00:12:23,826 --> 00:12:26,579
[ Cellphone ringing ]
298
00:12:27,288 --> 00:12:29,916
Carol, I knew you
wouldn't forget me today.
299
00:12:30,208 --> 00:12:31,368
No nonessential chatter, Liz.
300
00:12:31,626 --> 00:12:34,045
I'm having the worst
flight of my career.
301
00:12:35,213 --> 00:12:36,714
We got wind shears, lightning,
302
00:12:37,006 --> 00:12:38,006
severe turbulence.
303
00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:39,926
The in-flight meal
was a frittata.
304
00:12:41,052 --> 00:12:42,387
Oh, my god. At night?
305
00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:44,119
Lizzie, if something
were to happen,
306
00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:45,682
I-I just... I want
you know that I...
307
00:12:45,974 --> 00:12:48,977
I need you to go to
Raleigh, to my apartment,
308
00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:52,063
and just clear out all the porn
before my mom gets there.
309
00:12:52,981 --> 00:12:54,023
That's it?
310
00:12:54,315 --> 00:12:56,567
Yeah. I-I also need you
to TiVo "bones" for me
311
00:12:56,859 --> 00:12:57,860
in case I survive.
312
00:12:58,152 --> 00:12:59,237
No. You know what, Carol?
313
00:12:59,529 --> 00:13:01,889
Today is a very special day,
and you should have known that,
314
00:13:01,948 --> 00:13:04,093
and you should also know that
you can't use cellphones on planes.
315
00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:06,661
No, that's just something
we tell passengers. It...
316
00:13:06,953 --> 00:13:08,113
[ electricity powering down ]
317
00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:10,206
Oh, hello! Hold on.
318
00:13:10,498 --> 00:13:12,333
[ Electricity powering up ]
319
00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:14,345
All right, yeah, I-I
think I just screwed up
320
00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:16,212
something with my girlfriend.
321
00:13:16,504 --> 00:13:18,881
You know, I've always loved you.
322
00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:21,259
Not now, Kevin.
323
00:13:21,551 --> 00:13:22,719
Copy that.
324
00:13:24,762 --> 00:13:28,391
[ Cheers and applause ]
325
00:13:28,683 --> 00:13:31,602
Liz, how could you
let Tracy do that to me?
326
00:13:31,894 --> 00:13:33,080
Don't worry. It's
under control...
327
00:13:33,104 --> 00:13:34,480
I am a professional, Liz. Yep.
328
00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:37,734
I have never broken
during a performance, ever.
329
00:13:38,026 --> 00:13:41,654
I was onstage in "pippin"
with Irene Ryan when she died,
330
00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:43,489
and I kept going.
331
00:13:43,781 --> 00:13:45,742
That is why you are so amazing.
332
00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:47,243
Oh, I will never break, Liz,
333
00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:48,855
but if he tries
that stunt again,
334
00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:51,372
I will have a
wardrobe malfunction.
335
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:53,499
Yes, I will slip a nip, Liz.
336
00:13:53,791 --> 00:13:56,753
So help me, I will slip a nip.
337
00:13:58,463 --> 00:14:00,256
Hi, Edwiga. How are you?
338
00:14:00,548 --> 00:14:01,924
Sit on it!
339
00:14:02,216 --> 00:14:04,385
[ Chuckles ]
340
00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:07,263
[ Inhales deeply ]
[ Exhales deeply ]
341
00:14:07,555 --> 00:14:08,995
[ Inhales deeply ]
[ Exhales deeply ]
342
00:14:09,223 --> 00:14:10,683
Are you sniffing paint?
343
00:14:10,975 --> 00:14:13,353
Of course I am, Lemon.
Men need alcohol.
344
00:14:13,644 --> 00:14:15,444
It's the first thing
every civilization makes,
345
00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:18,983
along with weapons and
shelters to enjoy prostitutes.
346
00:14:19,776 --> 00:14:21,576
I don't know how much
more of this I can take.
347
00:14:21,611 --> 00:14:22,987
This is the worst
day of my life.
348
00:14:23,279 --> 00:14:24,279
Of your life?
349
00:14:24,489 --> 00:14:25,531
Of your life?
350
00:14:25,823 --> 00:14:27,743
Oh, god. How are we going
to make this about you?
351
00:14:27,909 --> 00:14:28,910
It's my birthday, Jack!
352
00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:31,371
It is my 40th birthday,
and no one remembered!
353
00:14:31,662 --> 00:14:33,331
Damn you, she-beasts!
354
00:14:34,624 --> 00:14:35,666
What?
355
00:14:35,958 --> 00:14:39,337
You and Avery... you lay
these traps for me to fail!
356
00:14:39,629 --> 00:14:41,381
[ Inhales deeply ]
[ Exhales deeply ]
357
00:14:41,672 --> 00:14:44,175
I'm sorry I forgot
your birthday, Lemon.
358
00:14:44,467 --> 00:14:45,635
It's not my best day.
359
00:14:45,927 --> 00:14:49,055
I'm not myself right now,
but please accept this $1,000
360
00:14:49,347 --> 00:14:51,224
as my gift to you.
361
00:14:51,516 --> 00:14:54,018
I will take this on principle,
but it doesn't fix anything.
362
00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:56,396
What can I tell you? This
is what happens to people
363
00:14:56,687 --> 00:14:58,749
like you and I, who put work
ahead of everything else.
364
00:14:58,773 --> 00:15:00,358
You know where I
spent my 40th birthday?
365
00:15:00,650 --> 00:15:03,152
In my office... All night.
366
00:15:03,444 --> 00:15:05,655
[ Dance music plays ]
367
00:15:05,947 --> 00:15:08,825
Whoo!
368
00:15:09,117 --> 00:15:12,370
Wow. You were
very fit back then.
369
00:15:12,662 --> 00:15:14,914
Yes, but my penis was smaller.
370
00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:19,377
[ Sighs ]
371
00:15:19,669 --> 00:15:21,712
Look, Jack, I'm not trying
to make you feel guilty.
372
00:15:22,004 --> 00:15:23,506
I mean, I know who I am.
373
00:15:23,798 --> 00:15:25,716
I know I'm not the funnest
person in the group.
374
00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:28,088
I'm not the one you call
when you want to go clubbing
375
00:15:28,344 --> 00:15:30,680
on the town and
party dance all night.
376
00:15:30,972 --> 00:15:32,772
Why are you speaking
like a persian immigrant?
377
00:15:32,974 --> 00:15:34,517
I don't know.
378
00:15:34,809 --> 00:15:36,519
I thought at least these dummies
379
00:15:36,811 --> 00:15:38,187
would do something for me
380
00:15:38,479 --> 00:15:40,523
besides light a bunch
of fires I have to put out.
381
00:15:40,815 --> 00:15:42,775
I thought that
when I turned 40...
382
00:15:43,067 --> 00:15:46,028
40... I could really
drink a 40 right now.
383
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:53,870
Oprah, this is what the inside
of a child's face looks like.
384
00:15:54,162 --> 00:15:55,580
Oh, no!
385
00:15:55,872 --> 00:15:58,916
My Oprah wig is falling off!
386
00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:00,501
This is an exciting mishap!
387
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:03,546
This is live!
388
00:16:03,838 --> 00:16:05,715
What the blerg?!
389
00:16:06,007 --> 00:16:07,007
Ohh!
390
00:16:07,216 --> 00:16:08,593
[ Clears throat ] Jenna.
391
00:16:08,885 --> 00:16:10,595
Yeah? Have you been drinking?
392
00:16:10,887 --> 00:16:11,929
[ Laughing ] No, Jack.
393
00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:14,557
I mean, I had a bottle
of wine with dinner.
394
00:16:14,849 --> 00:16:16,476
Can I smell your mouth?
395
00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:19,103
I thought you'd never ask.
396
00:16:22,940 --> 00:16:24,500
Thank you. I really,
really needed that.
397
00:16:24,609 --> 00:16:26,336
I've been giving up drinking
while Avery's pregnant,
398
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:27,445
and it's really hard.
399
00:16:27,737 --> 00:16:29,457
Oh, of course. But being
with someone, Jack,
400
00:16:29,530 --> 00:16:30,740
means making sacrifices.
401
00:16:31,032 --> 00:16:33,284
[ Breathes deeply ]
402
00:16:33,576 --> 00:16:35,244
I've learned that
by being with Paul.
403
00:16:35,536 --> 00:16:37,455
It's made me so
much more mature.
404
00:16:37,747 --> 00:16:38,748
Oh, no, Tracy.
405
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:41,959
It is nipple time!
406
00:16:42,251 --> 00:16:44,962
Now my moustache is askew!
407
00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:47,215
Oops, that thing fell off...
408
00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:48,633
And that thing, too!
409
00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:50,968
[ Laughs ] Uh-oh!
410
00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:53,971
Now my shirt is
accidentally falling off!
411
00:16:54,263 --> 00:16:57,266
[ Laughs ] America!
412
00:17:01,270 --> 00:17:05,107
Oh, I warned you, Liz, and
now I am slipping a nip...
413
00:17:05,399 --> 00:17:06,399
The big one.
414
00:17:06,651 --> 00:17:07,651
Go to commercial!
415
00:17:07,902 --> 00:17:08,945
To commercial, go!
416
00:17:09,237 --> 00:17:10,571
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
417
00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:13,115
Hi, I'm Dr. Drew Baird.
418
00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:18,913
Every year, dozens of people
lose a hand to a helicopter
419
00:17:19,205 --> 00:17:22,208
or a fireworks mishap
or, in my case, both.
420
00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:24,627
But now there's hope.
421
00:17:24,919 --> 00:17:27,380
Thanks to an idea that started
as a pitch for a horror movie
422
00:17:27,672 --> 00:17:29,715
and grew into a
charitable organization,
423
00:17:30,007 --> 00:17:31,551
hands from executed criminals
424
00:17:31,842 --> 00:17:34,887
are now making life better
for people all over the world...
425
00:17:35,179 --> 00:17:37,139
People like me.
426
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:41,060
But we can't do it without
your support, so give,
427
00:17:41,352 --> 00:17:43,813
and give someone a hand.
428
00:17:45,648 --> 00:17:47,692
Sorry. I'm... I'm trying
to do a thumbs-up here.
429
00:17:47,984 --> 00:17:49,986
It doesn't always
listen. Oh, god, no.
430
00:17:50,278 --> 00:17:52,238
That's a "black power"
thing. I really shouldn't.
431
00:17:52,530 --> 00:17:54,991
Come here. No. No!
Why are you doing this?!
432
00:17:55,283 --> 00:17:58,244
No, bad hand! Bad! Ohh! Ohh!
433
00:17:59,203 --> 00:18:01,330
Now it's got my testicles!
434
00:18:01,622 --> 00:18:02,832
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
435
00:18:03,124 --> 00:18:05,585
[ Cheers and applause ]
436
00:18:08,671 --> 00:18:09,671
Listen up.
437
00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:13,050
We forgot Liz Lemon's
birthday, her 40th birthday.
438
00:18:13,342 --> 00:18:15,511
Oh, how? You gave me your list.
439
00:18:15,803 --> 00:18:16,846
Cut it out!
440
00:18:17,138 --> 00:18:19,557
Never mind how it happened...
That's water under the bridge.
441
00:18:19,849 --> 00:18:21,934
I'm sorry. We don't have
that expression in Canada.
442
00:18:22,226 --> 00:18:24,346
Does that mean that what
happened can be used to power
443
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:26,355
a lumber mill?
444
00:18:27,815 --> 00:18:30,067
It means we're going
to do something nice
445
00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:31,360
for our friend Liz Lemon.
446
00:18:31,652 --> 00:18:33,505
Because she takes care of us,
we are going to take care of her,
447
00:18:33,529 --> 00:18:36,907
even if we are currently sober
for the first time in 10 years.
448
00:18:37,199 --> 00:18:38,199
Not me.
449
00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:40,161
I just got my
10-year drunk chip.
450
00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:41,579
[ All murmuring ] Thank you.
451
00:18:41,871 --> 00:18:43,205
Pete, what can
you pull together?
452
00:18:43,497 --> 00:18:45,183
Is there time to do
something for Liz on air?
453
00:18:45,207 --> 00:18:47,084
Not really. I mean,
I could cut the...
454
00:18:47,376 --> 00:18:49,170
Uh, product placement
for capital one.
455
00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:52,465
Oh, you can't do that. The capital
one venture card is amazing.
456
00:18:52,757 --> 00:18:55,968
They give double miles
every day for every purchase.
457
00:19:02,058 --> 00:19:04,138
Or the cast could say
something during "good nights."
458
00:19:04,268 --> 00:19:07,146
No, it has to be big enough that
Liz thinks we planned it all along.
459
00:19:07,438 --> 00:19:09,815
Oh, I've got an idea!
460
00:19:10,691 --> 00:19:12,568
What if...
461
00:19:12,860 --> 00:19:14,612
We...
462
00:19:14,904 --> 00:19:16,447
All: Spit it out!
463
00:19:16,739 --> 00:19:19,283
Cast, set yourselves
good night, please.
464
00:19:19,575 --> 00:19:21,160
Please set yourselves
for good nights.
465
00:19:21,452 --> 00:19:23,913
[ Cellphone ringing ]
466
00:19:24,205 --> 00:19:25,289
Did you crash?
467
00:19:25,581 --> 00:19:27,833
No, no, but it was pretty
scary... I mean, well, not like
468
00:19:28,125 --> 00:19:29,960
the stuff I saw in the
air force, of course...
469
00:19:30,252 --> 00:19:32,372
Like, this one time a bunch
of us pilots got together,
470
00:19:32,588 --> 00:19:34,465
we went to a haunted
house in Germany.
471
00:19:34,757 --> 00:19:36,592
That was messed up!
472
00:19:36,884 --> 00:19:39,011
Today's my birthday, Carol.
473
00:19:39,303 --> 00:19:41,305
It's your birthday. Damn it.
474
00:19:41,597 --> 00:19:44,392
I... sorry. Uh, happy
birthday, Lizzie.
475
00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:46,578
Don't worry about it. I've
known these dummies a lot
476
00:19:46,602 --> 00:19:48,229
a lot longer, and
none of them...
477
00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:50,815
Oh, my god.
478
00:19:53,317 --> 00:19:55,152
You did remember.
479
00:19:55,444 --> 00:19:57,844
Wait. Wait. What's happening
there? Is that a surprise party?
480
00:19:57,905 --> 00:19:59,990
Surprise! I was
totally in on it.
481
00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:02,034
It was really expensive.
482
00:20:05,371 --> 00:20:07,039
Happy birthday, Lemon.
483
00:20:07,331 --> 00:20:09,333
You... you knew all along.
484
00:20:09,625 --> 00:20:12,503
Come on. You didn't think we'd
forget your birthday, did you?
485
00:20:12,795 --> 00:20:14,004
30 seconds!
486
00:20:14,296 --> 00:20:15,296
Is that a polka band?
487
00:20:15,464 --> 00:20:16,464
Happy birthday.
488
00:20:16,632 --> 00:20:18,259
Oh! Wait a minute.
489
00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:19,551
Wait. What?
490
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:23,305
Why is Henry winkler on my cake?
491
00:20:23,597 --> 00:20:24,640
I like Fonzie.
492
00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:26,976
"Hey!"
493
00:20:27,268 --> 00:20:29,353
This is supposed
to be for Edwiga.
494
00:20:29,645 --> 00:20:31,439
No, everybody loves the Fonz.
495
00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:32,731
10 seconds.
496
00:20:32,940 --> 00:20:35,776
You stole an old
cleaning lady's birthday
497
00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:37,278
just to make me happy?
498
00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:38,946
In my defense...
499
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,240
Yes.
500
00:20:41,532 --> 00:20:44,744
That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me.
501
00:20:45,035 --> 00:20:46,287
5 seconds back.
502
00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:48,456
4, 3, 2...
503
00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:50,583
[ shouting in native language ]
504
00:20:50,875 --> 00:20:52,626
[ Polka music plays ]
505
00:20:52,918 --> 00:20:55,254
[ Shouting indistinctly ]
506
00:20:55,546 --> 00:20:58,048
On behalf of everyone here
at "TGS," we want to wish...
507
00:20:58,340 --> 00:21:00,551
Good night! Aah! Aah! Help!
508
00:21:00,843 --> 00:21:02,344
Her thumbs are in my eyes!
509
00:21:02,636 --> 00:21:04,680
[ Cheers and applause ]
510
00:21:09,310 --> 00:21:11,896
Well, I know your birthday
isn't what you'd hoped, Lemon,
511
00:21:12,188 --> 00:21:13,388
but at least it was memorable.
512
00:21:13,647 --> 00:21:15,608
No, you know
what? It was perfect.
513
00:21:15,900 --> 00:21:18,110
It was the best of both worlds.
514
00:21:18,402 --> 00:21:20,488
It... oh, yeah, sorry.
515
00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:25,480
It was the best of both
worlds you know, I got to feel
516
00:21:25,659 --> 00:21:27,453
martyred and indignant all day,
517
00:21:27,745 --> 00:21:29,306
and then I still got to
eat cake off the floor.
518
00:21:29,330 --> 00:21:30,330
Uh-huh.
519
00:21:30,539 --> 00:21:32,625
But I still have
one birthday wish.
520
00:21:32,917 --> 00:21:34,627
I want you to have
a drink with me.
521
00:21:34,919 --> 00:21:37,463
Well, I know Avery
doesn't want me to,
522
00:21:37,755 --> 00:21:40,591
but it's dangerous to
say no to an old spinster.
523
00:21:40,883 --> 00:21:42,134
[ Chuckles ]
524
00:21:42,426 --> 00:21:44,637
You might turn me into a crow.
525
00:21:44,929 --> 00:21:45,971
To Liz Lemon.
526
00:21:46,263 --> 00:21:48,974
You're halfway to death.
527
00:21:52,311 --> 00:21:53,311
That's more like it.
528
00:21:53,562 --> 00:21:54,562
[ Sighs ]
529
00:21:54,688 --> 00:21:55,815
[ Cheers and applause ]
530
00:22:02,279 --> 00:22:03,447
Are we still on the air?
531
00:22:03,739 --> 00:22:05,825
Thank you to Matt Damon,
Rachel Dratch, bill Hader,
532
00:22:06,116 --> 00:22:09,078
Jon Hamm, Julia Louis-Dreyfus,
Garrett Neff, Chris Parnell,
533
00:22:09,370 --> 00:22:10,370
everyone at NBC.
534
00:22:10,621 --> 00:22:12,039
"30 rock" crew, I love you!
535
00:22:12,331 --> 00:22:14,792
"SNL" crew, I love
you! Good night!
536
00:22:15,084 --> 00:22:17,169
[ Cheers and applause ]
537
00:22:19,171 --> 00:22:20,673
We did it!
538
00:22:20,965 --> 00:22:22,341
We did it once.
539
00:22:22,633 --> 00:22:24,844
We got to do it again.
540
00:22:47,950 --> 00:22:51,787
It's time to watch
"the office" right now...
541
00:22:52,079 --> 00:22:53,998
Now!
38444
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