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1
00:00:02,127 --> 00:00:04,254
- A breakfast date?
Who is this guy?
2
00:00:04,546 --> 00:00:05,714
- Uh, I met him on Kdate,
3
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:08,193
which is the personals section
of the kraft foods website.
4
00:00:08,217 --> 00:00:09,217
- And what was he like?
5
00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:11,094
- He owns a
cockatiel named arliss.
6
00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:12,679
- Oh, god.
7
00:00:12,971 --> 00:00:14,157
- But I'm not letting
it get me down.
8
00:00:14,181 --> 00:00:15,992
I'm just gonna keep putting
positive energy out there,
9
00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:17,768
and something good
will come back to me.
10
00:00:18,060 --> 00:00:19,140
- Good morning, miss Lemon.
11
00:00:19,394 --> 00:00:22,022
A Mr. Debarber called.
- Seriously?
12
00:00:22,314 --> 00:00:25,859
- [Solemn voice] A
Mr. Debarber called.
13
00:00:26,151 --> 00:00:28,320
- Floyd called. Oh, my god.
14
00:00:28,612 --> 00:00:31,615
- That's amazing.
What you said worked.
15
00:00:31,907 --> 00:00:34,743
- Okay, universe,
16
00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:36,703
send me a white
football player...
17
00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:38,247
No kickers or linemen.
18
00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:41,166
[Exciting jazz music]
19
00:00:41,458 --> 00:00:49,341
♪ ♪
20
00:00:58,183 --> 00:00:59,935
- Hey, Danny, congratulations.
21
00:01:00,227 --> 00:01:02,145
- Congratulations? For what?
22
00:01:02,437 --> 00:01:04,106
- Danny was
nominated for a juno,
23
00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:06,024
which is like a Canadian grammy.
24
00:01:06,316 --> 00:01:08,360
- Yeah, I recorded the
psych up song that plays
25
00:01:08,652 --> 00:01:09,820
during Ottawa senators games.
26
00:01:10,112 --> 00:01:11,989
♪ The crowd's getting loud ♪
27
00:01:12,281 --> 00:01:13,281
♪ scotiabank place ♪
28
00:01:13,532 --> 00:01:15,158
♪ make a hockey-loving face ♪
29
00:01:15,450 --> 00:01:16,743
♪ at scotiabank place ♪
30
00:01:17,035 --> 00:01:19,871
I'm not gonna win, but it's
an honor just to be nominated
31
00:01:20,163 --> 00:01:21,873
in the same category
as sir Dave Coulier.
32
00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:23,845
- Well, it should be
great exposure for ya.
33
00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:25,836
- I know! And there's
gonna be a profile of me
34
00:01:26,128 --> 00:01:28,755
in The New York Times as filler
because of dwindling ad sales.
35
00:01:29,047 --> 00:01:31,675
Isn't that awesome?
36
00:01:31,967 --> 00:01:34,886
- I am sick of that
guy's positive energy.
37
00:01:35,178 --> 00:01:36,471
We got to start
messing with him.
38
00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:38,741
- Yeah. Like, what if we
trick him into kissing me?
39
00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:40,809
It'd be so funny
because I'm not gay.
40
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:44,438
- Or if the pranksmen write
that times profile ourselves,
41
00:01:44,730 --> 00:01:46,732
making Danny look like an idiot.
42
00:01:47,024 --> 00:01:48,567
- And put it in the press packet
43
00:01:48,859 --> 00:01:50,319
that everybody gets.
44
00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:54,072
- This is the most
friends I've ever had.
45
00:01:54,489 --> 00:01:56,867
- Kenneth, I'm having a
Tracy and Jenna problem.
46
00:01:57,159 --> 00:01:57,743
- Gosh, Mr. Hornberger,
47
00:01:58,035 --> 00:01:59,244
you say that so often,
48
00:01:59,536 --> 00:02:01,496
you should come up
with a shortcut word for it,
49
00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:04,499
like, "ivatrennapra."
50
00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:06,352
- Well, Danny's interview
with the New York times
51
00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:08,086
comes out today,
so "ivatrennapra."
52
00:02:08,378 --> 00:02:09,421
- A what?
53
00:02:09,713 --> 00:02:10,982
- If Tracy and
Jenna hear about it,
54
00:02:11,006 --> 00:02:12,108
they'll get jealous and act out,
55
00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:12,674
and as much as I want to,
56
00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:14,760
I can't slap the
brat out of them.
57
00:02:15,052 --> 00:02:17,387
So Tracy and Jenna will spend
the day in the makeup room,
58
00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:20,474
having full plaster
impressions made of their faces.
59
00:02:20,766 --> 00:02:24,019
So that should shut them
up for, uh, let's say, 12 hours.
60
00:02:24,311 --> 00:02:26,021
- Oh, my, that's a long time.
61
00:02:26,313 --> 00:02:27,593
Maybe I should
keep them company.
62
00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:30,609
- Yes. Tell them your stories.
63
00:02:30,901 --> 00:02:33,820
They'll hate that.
64
00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:35,781
- Silly Mr. Hornberger.
65
00:02:36,073 --> 00:02:39,576
Always saying hate
when he means love.
66
00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:44,790
- Hello, Floyd. It's Liz.
67
00:02:45,082 --> 00:02:46,375
- Thank you for calling me back.
68
00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:48,085
We have so much to catch up on.
69
00:02:48,377 --> 00:02:51,338
- Yeah. So how are you?
- Oh, my god.
70
00:02:51,630 --> 00:02:53,630
You're not gonna ask me
what's wrong with my voice?
71
00:02:53,882 --> 00:02:55,175
- I was being polite.
72
00:02:55,467 --> 00:02:57,803
- [Chuckles] Look, Liz,
I'm sorry I haven't called
73
00:02:58,095 --> 00:02:59,572
in a while, but I'm in New
York for a couple days,
74
00:02:59,596 --> 00:03:01,598
and I, uh... I'd
really like to see you.
75
00:03:01,890 --> 00:03:02,933
- Wow. Great. Okay.
76
00:03:03,225 --> 00:03:05,769
Um, just tell me now if
you've grown a goatee.
77
00:03:06,061 --> 00:03:07,229
- No, no, no goatee,
78
00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:08,689
just chola eyebrows.
79
00:03:08,980 --> 00:03:10,148
[Both laugh]
80
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:11,608
So are you free tonight?
81
00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:14,027
- Uh, I have to work late.
Can it be tomorrow night?
82
00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:16,399
- Yeah. I mean, I'd love to
see you sooner than that,
83
00:03:16,613 --> 00:03:17,799
but, you know, whatever works.
84
00:03:17,823 --> 00:03:19,616
- Okay, well, I'll
call you tomorrow.
85
00:03:19,908 --> 00:03:21,228
- Okay, perfect.
Uh, I got to run.
86
00:03:21,326 --> 00:03:22,619
Call me.
- Ciao.
87
00:03:22,911 --> 00:03:23,995
Uh.
88
00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:26,415
- I don't know how
this happened, Jack,
89
00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:27,332
but it's bad.
90
00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:29,167
I think I really screwed up.
91
00:03:29,459 --> 00:03:30,603
- With a female
page? Don't worry.
92
00:03:30,627 --> 00:03:32,227
[Whispering] They
disappear all the time.
93
00:03:32,295 --> 00:03:34,023
- No, I did an interview
for the New York times,
94
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:36,127
and they printed all of
this stuff that I didn't say.
95
00:03:36,258 --> 00:03:37,258
- Typical liberal media.
96
00:03:37,342 --> 00:03:38,510
That's why I get all my news
97
00:03:38,802 --> 00:03:40,762
from dick Cheney's
website... Dickviews.Com.
98
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:43,724
- I never said that Liz
banged her way to the middle
99
00:03:44,015 --> 00:03:45,976
or that Jenna kidnapped
a Swedish au pair
100
00:03:46,268 --> 00:03:47,394
to use as a hair farm,
101
00:03:47,686 --> 00:03:51,648
and I never called Tracy
clean and articulate.
102
00:03:51,940 --> 00:03:53,483
Why would I? He's not.
103
00:03:53,775 --> 00:03:55,215
This stuff is in the
newspaper, Jack.
104
00:03:55,318 --> 00:03:56,998
Everyone's gonna see it.
- No, they're not.
105
00:03:57,154 --> 00:03:58,488
It's a hoax.
- What?
106
00:03:58,780 --> 00:04:00,660
- The New York times
doesn't have a staff writer
107
00:04:00,782 --> 00:04:02,284
named Seymour nips.
108
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:04,035
You've been
pranked by the nerds.
109
00:04:04,327 --> 00:04:08,999
My guess is this is the
work of Frank, the black one,
110
00:04:09,291 --> 00:04:10,542
and...
111
00:04:10,834 --> 00:04:12,043
Lutz.
112
00:04:12,335 --> 00:04:14,135
- The writers... Why
would they do that to me?
113
00:04:14,337 --> 00:04:16,566
- Because they look at you,
and you're everything they're not.
114
00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:17,984
You're handsome.
- So are you, Jack.
115
00:04:18,008 --> 00:04:18,467
- I wasn't fishing,
but thank you.
116
00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:20,927
Danny, we will
not let this stand.
117
00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:22,488
- Well, then what
are we gonna do?
118
00:04:22,512 --> 00:04:24,765
- I'm no stranger
to the art of Japery.
119
00:04:25,056 --> 00:04:26,767
At Princeton, I was
in a secret society.
120
00:04:27,058 --> 00:04:28,435
I shouldn't tell you this,
121
00:04:28,727 --> 00:04:30,207
but one time we
snuck up to dartmouth,
122
00:04:30,353 --> 00:04:31,396
put their mascot in a box,
123
00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:33,732
and sent it to Mexico City.
124
00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:35,358
We didn't know
until the next day
125
00:04:35,650 --> 00:04:37,611
that it was an actual Indian.
126
00:04:37,903 --> 00:04:39,321
He didn't speak
a word of English,
127
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,865
like all dartmouth men.
128
00:04:42,157 --> 00:04:43,450
- All right, I'm game.
129
00:04:43,742 --> 00:04:45,911
Let's team up. What
should we call ourselves?
130
00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:48,538
- What's the most
handsome animal?
131
00:04:48,830 --> 00:04:50,957
Both: The silver panther.
132
00:04:51,249 --> 00:04:52,876
[Snarling]
133
00:04:53,168 --> 00:04:55,754
[TV chatter]
134
00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:57,046
- Guess who called me?
135
00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:58,965
- The boob job recall center?
136
00:04:59,257 --> 00:05:00,842
- No. Floyd.
137
00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:02,494
We're having dinner
tomorrow night,
138
00:05:02,552 --> 00:05:03,220
and I don't know what it means,
139
00:05:03,512 --> 00:05:05,722
but I am allowing
myself to be excited.
140
00:05:06,014 --> 00:05:06,640
I mean, on the
phone, it was like
141
00:05:06,932 --> 00:05:09,267
we were just right back
there, Liz and Floyd.
142
00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:12,729
- Liz and who?
- Come on. Floyd.
143
00:05:13,021 --> 00:05:15,941
My ex-boyfriend, the only
good boyfriend I've ever had...
144
00:05:16,233 --> 00:05:18,568
Recovering alcoholic, he
used to work in this building.
145
00:05:18,860 --> 00:05:20,737
- Oh, you mean that guy?
146
00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:22,673
- And, of course, this is
our other finalist couple
147
00:05:22,697 --> 00:05:25,242
for the today wedding
contest, Floyd and Kaitlin.
148
00:05:25,534 --> 00:05:28,411
[Cheers and applause]
149
00:05:28,703 --> 00:05:29,955
- Whahk?
150
00:05:34,084 --> 00:05:36,670
- And old Gus is the
biggest catfish in the pond.
151
00:05:36,962 --> 00:05:39,339
Legend has it the only
bait that'll catch old Gus
152
00:05:39,631 --> 00:05:40,831
is a piece of old Gus himself.
153
00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:42,551
So every time they catch him,
154
00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:44,219
they cut off a
little piece of him,
155
00:05:44,511 --> 00:05:45,887
so they can catch him.
156
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:48,390
Now, how did the very
first person catch old Gus?
157
00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:51,518
Well, that's a story
for another time...
158
00:05:51,810 --> 00:05:52,435
Right now.
159
00:05:52,727 --> 00:05:54,646
So if my grandfather
hadn't gotten
160
00:05:54,938 --> 00:05:56,314
on the wrong train that day,
161
00:05:56,606 --> 00:05:58,567
he never would have
met his wife's murderer.
162
00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:02,112
I wonder what Hawaii's
state quarter's gonna be?
163
00:06:02,404 --> 00:06:03,113
Nobody knows.
164
00:06:03,405 --> 00:06:05,282
But here are several
hundred guesses...
165
00:06:05,574 --> 00:06:07,367
A pineapple, a coconut...
166
00:06:07,659 --> 00:06:10,370
[Soft music]
167
00:06:10,662 --> 00:06:14,624
♪ ♪
168
00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:16,561
- Uh, Lemon, could I
have your weakness files
169
00:06:16,585 --> 00:06:17,665
on Frank, Toofer, and Lutz?
170
00:06:17,794 --> 00:06:20,297
- Floyd's getting married,
maybe on the today show.
171
00:06:20,589 --> 00:06:22,382
♪ ♪
172
00:06:22,674 --> 00:06:23,758
- Floyd never told you?
173
00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:26,720
I mean, "b"s before
"h"s, but that is low.
174
00:06:27,012 --> 00:06:28,221
- This sucks, Jack.
175
00:06:28,513 --> 00:06:30,223
I know that I'm a sour person,
176
00:06:30,515 --> 00:06:31,892
and I don't like
a lot of people,
177
00:06:32,183 --> 00:06:32,809
but I liked Floyd.
178
00:06:33,101 --> 00:06:34,461
And I guess in the
back of my mind,
179
00:06:34,561 --> 00:06:37,105
I thought we'd end
up together someday,
180
00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:39,458
that, you know, the whole
thing would turn out like a movie
181
00:06:39,482 --> 00:06:41,401
where Christopher
cross sings a song like,
182
00:06:41,693 --> 00:06:44,321
♪ all my days,
I've been waiting ♪
183
00:06:44,613 --> 00:06:46,364
♪ for you to come back home ♪
184
00:06:46,656 --> 00:06:48,116
♪ in the moonlight ♪
185
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:51,828
♪ of New York City ♪
186
00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:53,455
- Lemon, I'm sorry.
187
00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:55,187
We all have our
romantic pipe dreams.
188
00:06:55,457 --> 00:06:57,143
I thought that Nancy would
leave her husband for me,
189
00:06:57,167 --> 00:06:58,376
and it's not going to happen.
190
00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:00,708
They're Boston Irish
catholic... They mate for life,
191
00:07:00,837 --> 00:07:03,548
like swans, like drunk...
192
00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:04,840
Angry swans.
193
00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:06,694
[Distant cheering]
- Vote for Floyd and Kaitlin.
194
00:07:06,718 --> 00:07:08,094
I love this woman.
195
00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:09,386
- Oh, my god.
196
00:07:09,638 --> 00:07:13,016
I can hear him on the Plaza.
197
00:07:13,308 --> 00:07:14,308
[Cheers and applause]
198
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:16,353
Hey, keep it down out there!
199
00:07:16,645 --> 00:07:20,398
This isn't Liz.
200
00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:22,817
Okay, it's bad enough
that he is getting married,
201
00:07:23,109 --> 00:07:25,236
but does he have to do it
right outside my window?
202
00:07:25,528 --> 00:07:27,280
No. He cannot win this contest!
203
00:07:27,572 --> 00:07:29,699
- Lemon, I know you're
hurt, and I know that look,
204
00:07:29,991 --> 00:07:31,409
but don't even
think about revenge.
205
00:07:31,701 --> 00:07:32,953
You are not a silver panther.
206
00:07:33,244 --> 00:07:34,746
- What are you talking about?
207
00:07:35,038 --> 00:07:36,238
- Just stick to the high road.
208
00:07:36,498 --> 00:07:37,778
The low road is
a slippery slope.
209
00:07:38,041 --> 00:07:41,461
- [Sighs] I know,
Jack. Believe me.
210
00:07:41,753 --> 00:07:43,273
I mean, it's like,
on TV, it used to be
211
00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:45,420
you couldn't say crap,
and then they let that slide.
212
00:07:45,590 --> 00:07:47,217
And now we can say
whatever we want...
213
00:07:47,509 --> 00:07:48,593
Douche bag, asswipe.
214
00:07:48,885 --> 00:07:50,261
- Anal rot.
- Exactly.
215
00:07:50,553 --> 00:07:52,347
- So I'm simply gonna ask Floyd,
216
00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:55,558
as a friend and former
intercourse companion,
217
00:07:55,850 --> 00:07:57,310
to do me the favor
218
00:07:57,602 --> 00:08:00,230
of not getting married
right outside my window.
219
00:08:00,522 --> 00:08:02,875
I'm gonna meet him tomorrow
night at McShanley's for dinner.
220
00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:04,979
- McShanley's? The place
where you got food poisoning
221
00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:06,361
from the fish three times?
222
00:08:06,653 --> 00:08:08,029
- So?
- So are you sure
223
00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:09,948
you're not planning
to get Floyd sick
224
00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:11,592
and sabotage his
chance of winning?
225
00:08:11,616 --> 00:08:13,910
- What? No, Jack, that
never even occurred to me.
226
00:08:14,202 --> 00:08:16,496
- Then you'll never
be a silver panther.
227
00:08:16,788 --> 00:08:20,542
- I don't care. I'll
start my own group.
228
00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:23,128
Rejection from society is
what created the X-Men.
229
00:08:23,420 --> 00:08:25,797
- So to get there, you
start on old barn road.
230
00:08:26,089 --> 00:08:28,842
Then you take the first
left, then the next left,
231
00:08:29,134 --> 00:08:31,177
then the next left,
and then another left.
232
00:08:31,469 --> 00:08:32,780
That'll take you
around the quarry,
233
00:08:32,804 --> 00:08:34,764
which is real pretty. I
just wanted you to see it.
234
00:08:34,931 --> 00:08:36,808
That'll put you back
on old barn road.
235
00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:39,227
- What do you got there?
- Have you guys seen this?
236
00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:41,354
- We are getting a
report from right here
237
00:08:41,646 --> 00:08:44,482
at Rockefeller center that
there is a toxic gas leak
238
00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:45,483
in the building.
239
00:08:45,775 --> 00:08:47,255
- Whahk?
- The type of gas is unknown,
240
00:08:47,402 --> 00:08:50,071
but it is triggering the
building's autolocks.
241
00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:52,365
- What is happening?
242
00:08:52,657 --> 00:08:54,242
- Oh, my god, what do we do?
243
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:55,854
What do we do?
- I know a way out!
244
00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:58,121
[Coughs]
245
00:08:58,413 --> 00:08:59,831
- What's wrong?
- [Screams]
246
00:09:00,123 --> 00:09:01,123
- So much of my life
247
00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:02,667
have I wasted
putting things on hats!
248
00:09:02,959 --> 00:09:05,319
- We are now getting reports
that the toxic leak has created
249
00:09:05,587 --> 00:09:08,465
what police are calling a
Cloverfield type monster
250
00:09:08,757 --> 00:09:10,383
in the building.
251
00:09:10,675 --> 00:09:13,470
The monster cannot detect
the smell of human skin.
252
00:09:13,762 --> 00:09:17,182
Anyone still inside should
disrobe immediately.
253
00:09:17,474 --> 00:09:20,518
- [Screaming]
254
00:09:23,438 --> 00:09:25,690
- I'm keeping my hat
on. I don't care, man.
255
00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:27,542
Get them off, Lutz.
Get your shorts off.
256
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:31,362
- Gentlemen, I wanted some
257
00:09:31,654 --> 00:09:34,032
of the TGS dancers to see this.
258
00:09:34,324 --> 00:09:36,076
- Now we're even, guys.
259
00:09:36,367 --> 00:09:40,288
- As you were, nerds.
- [Laughing]
260
00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:45,126
- Surculus et pruna.
Surculus et pruna.
261
00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:46,938
- Now, I don't have
a lot of experience
262
00:09:47,212 --> 00:09:48,492
reading stuff out
loud to people,
263
00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:50,924
so I'm gonna do this
the most normal way
264
00:09:51,216 --> 00:09:52,509
I can think of.
265
00:09:52,801 --> 00:09:54,594
Space, space,
space, space, space,
266
00:09:54,886 --> 00:09:57,388
space, my autobiography,
space, space,
267
00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,557
space, space, space,
by Kenneth Ellen Parcell.
268
00:09:59,849 --> 00:10:03,103
Space, space,
space, space, space.
269
00:10:06,231 --> 00:10:07,732
- Thank you.
270
00:10:08,024 --> 00:10:09,025
- Good morning, ladies.
271
00:10:09,317 --> 00:10:10,693
- Mm-hmm. Good morning.
272
00:10:10,985 --> 00:10:15,490
Liz, last night I had a very
graphic dream about Kenneth.
273
00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:17,075
- What? Ugh!
274
00:10:17,367 --> 00:10:18,368
- I know. It's disgusting.
275
00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:20,304
But Tracy and I had
to listen to Kenneth talk
276
00:10:20,328 --> 00:10:21,371
for hours yesterday.
277
00:10:21,663 --> 00:10:23,263
He must have gotten
into my subconscious.
278
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:25,708
And then I dreamed
that he and I...
279
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:27,520
- I don't want to
hear it. La la la la!
280
00:10:27,752 --> 00:10:29,337
♪ Da da, no ♪
281
00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:31,023
- Good morning, Mr. Jordan.
- Oh, good morning.
282
00:10:31,047 --> 00:10:32,340
Lemaroni,
283
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,392
something horrible
happened to me last night.
284
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:36,678
I had a dream that
Kenneth and I got intimate
285
00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:37,970
in a portable jacuzzi.
286
00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:39,556
It was crazy.
287
00:10:39,848 --> 00:10:41,474
Glistening black
and white skin...
288
00:10:41,766 --> 00:10:44,269
It looked like a close-up
of a killer whale being born.
289
00:10:44,561 --> 00:10:46,271
- He got me too.
It was horrifying.
290
00:10:46,563 --> 00:10:48,148
Now I never want to go to sleep.
291
00:10:48,439 --> 00:10:52,235
- Just like this amazing
city that we live in.
292
00:10:57,282 --> 00:10:57,574
- I knew it.
293
00:10:57,866 --> 00:11:00,118
Surculus et pruna is the motto
294
00:11:00,410 --> 00:11:01,119
of the twig and plums.
295
00:11:01,411 --> 00:11:03,329
- And your motto is,
"above all, be boring."
296
00:11:03,621 --> 00:11:04,622
- Listen to me.
297
00:11:04,914 --> 00:11:07,208
Twig and plums is a
Princeton secret society,
298
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:08,918
and Jack is clearly a member.
299
00:11:09,210 --> 00:11:11,045
- So?
- So they have all kinds
300
00:11:11,337 --> 00:11:12,547
of weird rituals and rules,
301
00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:14,549
like if someone
says "twig and plums"
302
00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:16,843
in front of a member,
he has to find an excuse
303
00:11:17,135 --> 00:11:18,895
to leave the room, no
matter what he's doing.
304
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,388
- What?
- But during the period
305
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:21,740
of the '90s...
- Twig and plums!
306
00:11:21,764 --> 00:11:22,932
- Thank you, folks.
307
00:11:23,224 --> 00:11:25,518
Excuse me, I have tickets
to a Harry connick Jr. concert.
308
00:11:25,810 --> 00:11:28,813
- Jack messed with
the wrong fat losers.
309
00:11:29,105 --> 00:11:30,565
- Yeah!
- [Chuckling]
310
00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:32,775
- This issue is
time-sensitive, so hear me out
311
00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:34,569
before the overseas markets...
312
00:11:34,861 --> 00:11:36,821
Open for the day.
313
00:11:37,113 --> 00:11:38,823
- Twig and plums.
314
00:11:40,575 --> 00:11:41,618
- Excuse me, gentlemen.
315
00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:45,747
I have a, uh...
Veterinary appointment.
316
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:51,669
- What's up? How you guys doing?
317
00:11:51,961 --> 00:11:53,838
- Do you want to split
some mozzarella sticks?
318
00:11:54,130 --> 00:11:55,423
- I saw you on the today show.
319
00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:56,715
- Damn it.
320
00:11:56,883 --> 00:11:58,819
I could have sworn you
watched the early show on CBS.
321
00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:00,553
- The early show?
What am I, in a hospital?
322
00:12:00,845 --> 00:12:01,971
- I'm so sorry, Liz.
323
00:12:02,263 --> 00:12:04,200
You know, I just wanted to
tell you everything face-to-face.
324
00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:06,160
I did not mean for you to
find out about Kaitlin on TV.
325
00:12:06,184 --> 00:12:07,536
Believe me, if I
had a time machine,
326
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,771
I would go back
and do it differently.
327
00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:11,415
You want to split
some mozzarella sticks?
328
00:12:11,439 --> 00:12:12,759
Aagh! I didn't go
back far enough.
329
00:12:13,024 --> 00:12:14,484
- [Laughs]
330
00:12:14,776 --> 00:12:17,028
Look, I-I want you to be happy,
331
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:19,405
and obviously you
have a life to live,
332
00:12:19,697 --> 00:12:22,242
but your getting married
is a big deal to me.
333
00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:24,911
So please, don't
do it where I work.
334
00:12:25,203 --> 00:12:28,081
And don't drag my
best friend, TV, into it.
335
00:12:28,373 --> 00:12:29,832
- No, I get it. I do.
336
00:12:30,124 --> 00:12:31,376
But I'm sorry. I got to do this.
337
00:12:31,668 --> 00:12:33,795
Look, Kaitlin is a
yogaerobics instructor
338
00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:35,087
and an ab model.
339
00:12:35,171 --> 00:12:36,171
- I was in a reenactment
340
00:12:36,381 --> 00:12:38,383
on america's most wanted once,
341
00:12:38,675 --> 00:12:41,803
playing a lady
strangled on the toilet.
342
00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:43,280
- We're just hoping the
exposure can help Kaitlin
343
00:12:43,304 --> 00:12:44,544
get some jobs here in New York.
344
00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,766
- Here in New York? Wow.
345
00:12:47,058 --> 00:12:49,018
Let's just order.
346
00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:51,437
- I'm sorry, Liz.
- No.
347
00:12:51,729 --> 00:12:53,940
Don't be. It's fine. High road.
348
00:12:54,232 --> 00:12:56,442
- So are you seeing anyone?
349
00:12:56,734 --> 00:12:58,027
- You should try the fish!
350
00:12:58,319 --> 00:13:00,488
[Laughs, clears throat]
351
00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:05,034
[Knock at door]
352
00:13:05,326 --> 00:13:06,470
- What would you like
for dinner, Mr. Jordan...
353
00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:10,039
Barbecue or me?
[Sultry music plays]
354
00:13:10,331 --> 00:13:13,209
- No! No!
355
00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:14,520
- Are you all right, Tracy?
356
00:13:14,544 --> 00:13:16,004
- I had another freaky Ken-mare.
357
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:18,923
- It's okay. We're
gonna get through this...
358
00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:21,926
Together.
359
00:13:22,218 --> 00:13:25,305
- No!
[Sultry music plays]
360
00:13:25,596 --> 00:13:27,473
[Screams]
361
00:13:27,765 --> 00:13:30,310
- [Screams] I just had
another Kenneth dream.
362
00:13:30,601 --> 00:13:32,937
- Me too. But how do I
know this isn't a dream?
363
00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:34,355
Wait a minute.
364
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:36,899
All my teeth are
loose, so we're good.
365
00:13:37,191 --> 00:13:37,775
It's real.
366
00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:39,507
- Tracy, my dreams
are getting worse.
367
00:13:39,694 --> 00:13:42,071
This one was so graphic.
368
00:13:42,363 --> 00:13:45,867
Kenneth and I were married
and living in Indianapolis.
369
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:47,159
We had kids.
370
00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:49,245
- What kind of sick
mind dreams that?
371
00:13:49,537 --> 00:13:51,039
- It was disgusting!
372
00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:52,766
We have to get him
out of our dreams.
373
00:13:52,790 --> 00:13:54,270
We have to go back
to how things were.
374
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:56,002
- Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
375
00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:57,574
Both: We have
to Elm Street this.
376
00:13:57,670 --> 00:14:00,465
We have to go to sleep and
kill Kenneth in our dreams.
377
00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:02,157
- I don't know who
the hell told you
378
00:14:02,258 --> 00:14:04,098
to say that, Rossitano,
but you have no idea...
379
00:14:04,302 --> 00:14:05,720
- twig and plums.
380
00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:11,184
- I have to go to
an intervention
381
00:14:11,476 --> 00:14:13,102
for my...
382
00:14:13,394 --> 00:14:15,355
Travel agent.
383
00:14:17,273 --> 00:14:20,026
- [Clears throat]
384
00:14:20,318 --> 00:14:23,154
- So that's your second salmon.
385
00:14:23,446 --> 00:14:24,446
How are you feeling?
386
00:14:24,614 --> 00:14:25,823
- Like a rock star.
387
00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:28,326
Hey, excuse me, can I get
another salmon, compadre?
388
00:14:28,618 --> 00:14:30,036
Sauce on the side again, please?
389
00:14:30,328 --> 00:14:31,968
Eating healthy, 'cause
I'm marrying a lady
390
00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:33,891
that keeps it fit... You
know, nice and tight.
391
00:14:33,915 --> 00:14:36,042
You know... [Whistles] Kapow!
392
00:14:36,334 --> 00:14:37,334
Yeah.
393
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:38,461
- Are you okay?
394
00:14:38,753 --> 00:14:40,153
- Hmm? Hells,
yeah. Yeah, I'm great.
395
00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:41,923
- ♪ Shot through the heart ♪
- whoa-oa!
396
00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:43,215
- ♪ And you're to blame ♪
397
00:14:43,299 --> 00:14:44,675
- This is my jam right here.
398
00:14:44,967 --> 00:14:46,445
- ♪ You give love a bad name ♪
- ooh, my jam-a-I am.
399
00:14:46,469 --> 00:14:47,469
Mm-mm!
400
00:14:47,512 --> 00:14:51,766
♪ ♪
[laughs]
401
00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:54,178
- So another Jack-glazed
salmon. And anything for you?
402
00:14:54,435 --> 00:14:55,978
- Wait, what is Jack glaze?
403
00:14:56,270 --> 00:14:58,270
- It's our special sauce
that we put on the salmon.
404
00:14:58,398 --> 00:14:59,998
It's molasses and
honey and Jack Daniels.
405
00:15:00,274 --> 00:15:02,194
- It has alcohol in it?
No, no, he doesn't drink.
406
00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:04,254
- Oh, don't worry. The alcohol
cooks down with the fish.
407
00:15:04,278 --> 00:15:05,839
- But what if you get
the sauce on the side,
408
00:15:05,863 --> 00:15:07,132
and it isn't cooked
with the fish?
409
00:15:07,156 --> 00:15:10,743
- That would explain why we
have so many drunk kids here.
410
00:15:11,035 --> 00:15:14,539
- ♪ Angel's smile... ♪
- Oh, what have I done?
411
00:15:14,831 --> 00:15:18,209
This is the slippery slope.
412
00:15:19,836 --> 00:15:21,045
There's alcohol in that sauce.
413
00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:22,880
You've been drinking alcohol.
414
00:15:23,172 --> 00:15:24,298
- Trying to get me drunk?
415
00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:26,801
Squeeze in one last ride at
Six Floyds amusement park?
416
00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:28,928
Well, we're closed. Sorry.
417
00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:31,031
- No, Floyd, I just wanted
you to get food poisoning
418
00:15:31,055 --> 00:15:32,335
to mess up your
today show thing.
419
00:15:32,473 --> 00:15:33,558
Look, you're drunk.
420
00:15:33,850 --> 00:15:35,690
It's my fault. Let's get
you back to the hotel.
421
00:15:35,810 --> 00:15:37,353
- No, I would never
do that to you...
422
00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:41,357
Get you drunk on
salmon or any fish!
423
00:15:41,649 --> 00:15:43,484
I thought we cared
about each other.
424
00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:44,485
- Yeah, I did too.
425
00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:46,612
I thought the only
thing keeping us apart
426
00:15:46,904 --> 00:15:48,215
was that you wanted
to live in Cleveland,
427
00:15:48,239 --> 00:15:49,866
but you'll move to
New York for Kaitlin.
428
00:15:50,158 --> 00:15:51,367
- Yeah, I will. You know why?
429
00:15:51,659 --> 00:15:53,578
One, blonde.
430
00:15:53,870 --> 00:15:56,164
Two, she's alive...
431
00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:57,456
Like a deer.
432
00:15:57,665 --> 00:16:00,918
She runs and sniffs
and jumps and stares.
433
00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:02,753
She's not like the badger
434
00:16:03,045 --> 00:16:06,632
with its glasses and its
rules about weekday sex.
435
00:16:06,924 --> 00:16:09,124
- Those are good rules.
People have work in the morning.
436
00:16:09,385 --> 00:16:10,928
- How are you still single, Liz?
437
00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:12,847
There's so many guys out there
438
00:16:13,139 --> 00:16:16,601
that want to be
poisoned and yelled at.
439
00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:19,896
- Yeah, well, uh,
have a good night.
440
00:16:20,188 --> 00:16:21,522
Enjoy your salmon.
441
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:23,608
- Salmon for everyone...
442
00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:27,069
On me. [Cheers and applause]
443
00:16:28,863 --> 00:16:31,324
- This is a dream.
444
00:16:31,616 --> 00:16:35,036
You're in control.
445
00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:46,964
- Why? I considered
you a brother.
446
00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:48,674
Aah!
447
00:16:48,966 --> 00:16:49,966
- It's working.
448
00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:51,844
We've joined forces
in our dreamscape.
449
00:16:52,136 --> 00:16:54,263
Now we fly.
450
00:16:54,555 --> 00:16:56,557
- What the hell are you doing?
451
00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:59,060
- Uh, controlling our dreams?
452
00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:00,436
- We can explain, Pete.
453
00:17:00,728 --> 00:17:02,368
We were just trying
to Elm Street Kenneth.
454
00:17:02,605 --> 00:17:04,899
- Unbelievable. It is way
too early for this, guys.
455
00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:06,991
I haven't even had my
first cup of wine today.
456
00:17:07,151 --> 00:17:09,278
- Tracy, it's morning.
457
00:17:09,570 --> 00:17:11,906
We slept all night, and we
didn't dream about Kenneth.
458
00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:13,908
We're cured.
- It worked!
459
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:15,660
- It's a miracle.
460
00:17:18,621 --> 00:17:21,249
- No, I got in a
lot of writing...
461
00:17:25,670 --> 00:17:27,838
Who's that from?
462
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:35,096
- That's my mom's room.
463
00:17:38,099 --> 00:17:39,183
- Hello, Frank.
464
00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:41,894
I think you know where I am.
465
00:17:42,186 --> 00:17:43,586
I just happened to
run into your mom
466
00:17:43,771 --> 00:17:45,022
at a T.J. Maxx in queens,
467
00:17:45,314 --> 00:17:47,733
and we came back here for
some cannoli and red wine.
468
00:17:48,025 --> 00:17:50,319
She's a lovely woman.
469
00:17:50,611 --> 00:17:52,905
I'll be leaving soon.
I'm a gentleman...
470
00:17:53,197 --> 00:17:54,197
As is Danny.
471
00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:55,658
- Hey, Frank.
472
00:17:55,950 --> 00:17:57,451
Your mom's a hugger.
473
00:17:57,743 --> 00:17:58,786
- Don't push me, Frank.
474
00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:01,872
You won't enjoy the next
tape. Your mom might, though.
475
00:18:02,164 --> 00:18:05,501
And I believe Toofer and
Lutz also have mothers.
476
00:18:05,793 --> 00:18:07,712
Do we understand each other?
477
00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:10,214
- Pranksmen...
478
00:18:10,506 --> 00:18:12,925
Stand down.
479
00:18:13,217 --> 00:18:14,552
- You wanted to see me?
480
00:18:14,844 --> 00:18:17,096
- Lemon, have you seen
the today show this morning?
481
00:18:17,388 --> 00:18:19,015
- Why? Floyd showed up, right?
482
00:18:19,307 --> 00:18:21,076
- Funny you would ask
that, but, yes, he showed up.
483
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,560
The problem is, he won't leave.
484
00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:24,979
- In this hour,
spring cleaning...
485
00:18:25,271 --> 00:18:28,899
- Boring! Boring!
- Floyd, come on.
486
00:18:29,191 --> 00:18:31,736
- Hey, you guys wear so
much makeup, you know that?
487
00:18:32,028 --> 00:18:34,280
You do.
- Floyd! Have you been drinking?
488
00:18:34,572 --> 00:18:36,073
- Shut up, kit Kat!
489
00:18:36,365 --> 00:18:37,825
Vote for Floyd and Kaitlin!
490
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:38,826
Yeah!
491
00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:43,247
Right?
- Oh, god.
492
00:18:43,539 --> 00:18:44,957
- Mm.
493
00:18:45,249 --> 00:18:46,584
Ah, false alarm!
494
00:18:46,876 --> 00:18:47,876
Saved it.
495
00:18:48,002 --> 00:18:49,002
- All right.
496
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:50,408
He got drunk with me last night,
497
00:18:50,504 --> 00:18:51,504
but it was an accident.
498
00:18:51,714 --> 00:18:52,715
And he was being a wang.
499
00:18:53,007 --> 00:18:54,484
I didn't think he
would go on a bender.
500
00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:56,188
- Lemon, you have to...
- Fix this. I know.
501
00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:57,863
- This is not...
- The high road. I know.
502
00:18:57,887 --> 00:18:58,929
Shut up.
503
00:18:59,221 --> 00:19:02,058
Kaitlin, you have every
right to be furious at me.
504
00:19:02,350 --> 00:19:03,643
What I did was unconscionable.
505
00:19:03,934 --> 00:19:05,478
And I-I didn't
have a lot of time,
506
00:19:05,770 --> 00:19:07,188
but to make it up to you, I hope
507
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:10,441
that you'll accept
these TGS mouse pads
508
00:19:10,733 --> 00:19:14,153
and a man's wallet with
the dateline logo on it.
509
00:19:14,445 --> 00:19:16,364
- I'm not mad,
Liz. This is a relief.
510
00:19:16,656 --> 00:19:18,574
I thought he'd gone off
the wagon 'cause of me.
511
00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:21,285
- No. Even drunk, he
only had really nice things
512
00:19:21,577 --> 00:19:23,371
to say about you and your butt.
513
00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:25,539
- God, I don't
remember any of that.
514
00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:27,667
Did I fall down
while I was with you?
515
00:19:27,958 --> 00:19:32,963
'Cause my lower
back is killing me.
516
00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:36,342
- Oh, boy. Floyd, I am so sorry.
517
00:19:36,634 --> 00:19:38,354
- No, Liz, there's a
reason I quit drinking.
518
00:19:38,386 --> 00:19:41,138
You know, I-I probably
would have left me there too.
519
00:19:41,430 --> 00:19:43,391
- I really just want
you to be happy.
520
00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:45,226
- You too, Liz Lemon.
521
00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:47,770
- So go.
522
00:19:48,062 --> 00:19:50,314
Get married. Love each other.
523
00:19:50,606 --> 00:19:52,775
And if you go on a cruise
for your honeymoon,
524
00:19:53,067 --> 00:19:55,027
may it be free of pirates.
525
00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:57,863
Outie 5000.
526
00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:05,538
- Liz, look, well,
maybe this is crazy,
527
00:20:05,830 --> 00:20:07,665
but I don't have
any female friends
528
00:20:07,957 --> 00:20:10,543
because, you know, my body.
529
00:20:10,835 --> 00:20:11,853
And I was just wondering...
530
00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:13,754
- And now I have
agreed to do a reading
531
00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:15,881
from corinthians
at Floyd's wedding.
532
00:20:16,173 --> 00:20:19,969
- So instead of avoiding
seeing Floyd getting married...
533
00:20:20,261 --> 00:20:21,554
- I'm in the wedding party.
534
00:20:21,846 --> 00:20:22,847
Yeah.
535
00:20:27,643 --> 00:20:29,645
- I've had enough
of both of you.
536
00:20:29,937 --> 00:20:30,271
Your bad behavior stops now!
537
00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:32,565
- Absolutely, sir. We promise.
538
00:20:32,857 --> 00:20:35,860
- And we are never, never
taking you for granted again.
539
00:20:36,152 --> 00:20:39,155
In fact, we'd like to sing
you a thank-you song.
540
00:20:39,447 --> 00:20:39,947
[Both inhale deeply]
541
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:43,409
[Alarm beeping]
542
00:20:48,873 --> 00:20:49,248
- Thank you, Kenneth.
543
00:20:49,540 --> 00:20:53,002
- Oh, I'll show you
how to thank me.
544
00:20:53,294 --> 00:20:56,046
[Sultry music plays]
545
00:20:56,338 --> 00:20:59,258
♪ ♪
546
00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:01,093
- Let's do this.
547
00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:03,512
- Wake up, wake up,
wake up, wake up, wake up.
548
00:21:03,804 --> 00:21:06,599
Wake up. [Screaming]
40088
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