All language subtitles for 30.Rock.S04E15.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE.SDH

- I'd like to welcome everyone

to this NBC employee
town hall meeting.

And thank you for taking time
out of your busy schedules.

- Yeah, I'm supposed to
be drinking a soda right now.

- A special thanks to those
joining us via simulcast,

particularly you gentlemen
in the Tokyo office.

I know it's late there.

I don't know why you're
wearing girls' pajamas,

but I'm sure it's cultural.

I'm here to address concerns
regarding the acquisition

of our company by Kabletown.

With a k.

This is an exciting
time for NBC.

Not Seinfeld,
friends, E.R. exciting.

More like 3D episodes
of Merlin exciting.

But I believe this is
a great opportunity

for all of us because
Kabletown is a great company.

Even if it is from...

Philadelphia.

- Go eagles!

- How did you even
get a snowball?

- Philly rules!
Cheesesteaks! Bobby Clarke!

Will Smith! Your town sucks.

- You do not want
this argument, Lemon.

Boston is the greatest
city in the world.

- Boo.
- Boston tea party.

Boston cream pie.
Boston Rob Mariano.

Birthplace of Benjamin Franklin.

- Yeah, then he looked
around, realized it sucked,

and moved to Philadelphia!

Oh, did you just
whip a battery at me?

- Mr. Donaghy, I'm sorry, can
we get back to the meeting?

- Of course. My
apologies to our friends

[laughing] From the
great city of Los Angeles.

[Laughter]

- Hey. Stop
laughing. L.A. rules.

Michael bay, freeways, Legoland.

- Before I take your questions,

I'd like to say a few
words about Don Geiss.

The world has lost a giant.

He built G.E.

Into the greatest
company on earth,

and the earth into one
of the top three planets

in the universe.

For those of you wishing
to pay your respects,

there will be an episcopal
cryogenic freezing service

open to all Six Sigma
black belts and higher.

- That's the craziest
thing I ever heard.

Episcopal!

- Now the floor is
open to questions.

- I would be remiss if I
didn't honor our fallen leader

with a song.

This is for you, Dan goose.

♪ Amazing ♪

♪ gra... ♪

[Exciting jazz music]

♪ ♪

- So how was your
second date with Wesley?

- Ah, well, you know
that scene in notting hill

where they have the
romantic date in the garden?

Well, I would have rather
watched that terrible movie

five times than have
hung out with Wesley.

- So he's not your
future husband?

- He's not my future anything.

- You gave it a
shot. Good riddance.

- Nope. I'm seeing him tonight.

- You are? Why?

- Well, this morning I was
buying an advanced ticket

for the Truffaut retrospective

at the anthology
film archives...

One for the 8:00
hot tub time machine.

- Liz?

Are we both seeing hot
tub time machine tonight?

- How does this keep happening?

- If there is a god,
Liz, I think that she...

- Ugh.

- Is trying to tell
us something.

- It's like the universe
keeps pushing us together.

We can't shake each other.

- I had a thing where I kept
running in to Michael Douglas.

But then I realized it
was just some old lady

who lives in my building.

- Lemon. A moment.

We have a Tracy problem.

- Okay. Escaped exotic animal

or did he swallow
another firecracker?

- I wish.

Our old nanny wrote a
tell-all book about me.

- Oh, no.
- It's bad.

I just got the call from
a friend at little Brown.

- The publishing house?

- No, the premier talent agency

for black dwarves.

- Tracy, we need to start
doing damage control on this.

What does she
reveal in the book?

- Everything. My addiction
to prescription glasses.

The fact that I suffer from
attention deficit disor...

Jack, your shoes are shiny.

And worst of all,
she revealed the fact

that I've never
cheated on my wife.

- Okay, well, that's not true.

- Actually it is true.

Tracy shared that
with me last year.

- What? What
about the strip clubs

and the disgusting stories?

Your Ben & Jerry's
flavor is called adulteraisin.

- That's all for show.

I love my wife and only her.

- Okay, and how
is that a bad thing?

- My wild and sexually
adventurous image

is how I make my
money, Liz Lemon.

I start losing my endorsements,
Angie's gonna be madder

than a bat in a suitcase.

Uh-oh. Which reminds me.

Gordon. Gordon.

[Bat squeaking]

Gordon!
- Oh!

I'm sorry. You have a problem

with the science of
hot tub time machine?

- Not the time
travel. It's the hot tub.

You don't just turn one
on, and it's immediately hot.

I should know. I've been
in a hot tub two times.

- Well, I don't
question everything.

- Except for the
snacks I got for us.

- Yeah. Seltzer
and Mike and ikes.

- What did you want? Popcorn?

- Yes.
- Popcorn? At the cinema?

And, by the way,
your food obsession

is not as endearing
as you think it is.

It's like being in
a ca thy cartoon

that just won't end.

- Oh, my god, I want
to smash your face.

[Laughter]

- I don't think we were
meant to be together.

- So why are you in my
phone as future husband

and why am in in
yours as future wife?

- I guess we'll never know.

At least we'll always have
Dr. Kaplan's recovery room.

It was our Paris.

- Too bad we
can't go back there.

- Look at all these books, sir.

Feel like I'm back at school

learning about the
dangers of book reading.

- This is all research
on Kabletown.

I'm trying to learn
everything I can

about our future owners.

G.E. gave me the finest
education known to man.

I learned how to
develop new products,

innovate new technologies.

We brought good things to life

and bad things
to Chinese rivers.

- G.E. is a great company,

second only to the
company of great friends.

- I thought I would
work at G.E. forever.

But my future opportunities
at the company died

with Don Geiss, I
have to accept that

and move on to this
exciting new challenge.

- A friend of mine
has been worried

they'll be bringing
in new page rules.

Like age limits
and age verification.

- Truth be told, I
haven't learned a lot

about Kabletown.

It's a whole different
business model.

- My cousin in Atlanta
is a business model.

She holds up
staplers in catalogues.

- But later today, I'm
meeting with an old colleague

who left G.E. for
Kabletown five years ago.

I'm going to pick his brain
and learn how Kabletown works,

so I can prove that I am the man

with the ambition, the talent,

and the looking-at-my-watch
skills to run this company.

- [Gasps] Terrific, sir!

- So all we need you to do

is to put us under
anesthesia again.

Wesley brought his video camera.

- In england, we
call it a film pod.

- No.

And that way, afterward,
we can watch the tape

and figure out what
our connection was.

- Would you ask a cardiologist
to do something like this?

I am a real doctor.

- Yeah, but a cardiologist is...

- I know what a cardiologist is.

My brother is a cardiologist,
and I'm just as good as he is.

We drive the same car.

So what if his wife
is more attractive?

- But Dr. Kaplan,
this is for love.

It's like that brilliant
film, uh, notting hill.

I'm British and
charming, and she's...

Got certain angles
that work for her.

- Really? You think
you found "the one"

in my recovery room.

Let me show you
what happens in there.

- We are gonna hang
out so much after this.

- I want to take you
to the big apple circus

'cause we're best friends.

- I don't think there
was any connection.

- It was just the anesthesia.

- Well, Liz, I wish
you all the best.

But future wife deleted.

- It's a good idea.

- And if my heart surgeon
brother is so great,

how come so many of
his patients have died,

but I've only killed
one guy, huh?

- Say it ain't so, tray.

What about the Seattle
seahawks cheerleader?

That one kind of thick rockette?

That blind woman

in the business class
bathroom on the Acela?

Were those all lies too?

- But, Frank, I still party.

I'm still terrible at my job.

- I looked up to
you. Now I hate you.

- Tracy, I know what
you're going through.

I got a lot of flak

after I ate the pig
that played babe.

I learned you have
to go on the offensive.

Start denying this stuff.

- I did, J-Mo.

I held a press
conference this morning.

I'm here to announce that
I'm leaving show business

to spend more time
with my stripper.

But it's like a black
Barbie doll in Arizona.

Nobody's buying it.

- Well, we lost
another one, tray.

I just got off the
phone with the people

from horny goat weed.

They're dropping you
as their spokesman.

- But John Edwards and
I were supposed to ride

on their Cinco de Mayo float.

- Yet another black superstar

taken down by his personal life.

- Just like my favorite
golfer OJ Simpson.

- [Laughs]

Remember how
you tricked the owner

of that toaster
company into thinking

you were his dead son?

And he sold you
the factory for $1.

You are an animal.

Dave "the animal" hess.

- I was only as
good as my mentor,

the man who taught me
how to bait the enemy,

Jack "the master
baiter" Donaghy.

- So, Dave, tell me
all about Kabletown.

What's their business
strategy, revenue streams?

Do they have a
preferred side of the head

for parting your hair,
because I've been continental

for years, but I'm
willing to go western.

- Whoa, relax, buddy.
Your job is secure.

- I just want to
understand the operation

so I can contribute right away.

- Well, that's the
beauty of it, Jack.

You don't have to. The
cable's already laid...

- I don't understand. There's
always room for growth,

for innovation.
- No, there really isn't.

It's brilliant.

And this is the goose

that lays the golden eggs...

Channels 500 through 600.

- Oh, good god. Ass-a tar.

The lovely boners.
The hind side.

Fresh-ass. ff' based on
the novel "tush" by assfire.

It's all pay-per-view porn.

- Do you know how
much of our profit

comes from men
ordering adult movies?

91 %.

They churn this stuff out,

people at home push a button,

and we make money off it.

We don't do anything.

- Then what do
you want with NBC?

Why do you even want me?

- Well, buying NBC counts
as a charitable donation

for tax purposes.

And as for you,

you're the classic
American executive.

You will look great

standing behind our
CEO at press conferences.

- You are kidding me.

I went to Harvard
business school.

I'm the reason the
microwave tray rotates.

- Jack.
- I make things.

I build companies,
innovate products.

- Don't fight it, Jack.

It's the perfect business.

The war is over, and we won.

- "And Alexander wept

for there were no more
worlds to conquer."

Hans Gruber, die hard.

- Hey, I know you're off-duty,

but is there any chance
you would take me

to the upper West Side?

Okay. Oh, good catch.

Thank you so much.

[Tires screeching]

[Crash] Ow.

[Drivers argue in
foreign language]

- Bloody hell!

- No, no, no, not again.

That's not him, is it?

Okay. That was almost...

- gangway for footcycle!

- [Gasps]

- Come on! I said
gangway for the...

[Gasps] You witch!

- No, no, I am walking away.

- Wait, Liz, wait. Look,
I wasn't even supposed

to ride my footcycle home today.

- Stop calling it that.

- Yeah, fine, my
velocipede, but I did ride it

because the universe wanted
me to run into you again.

And I finally think I know why.

- Commencing eye-roll sequence.

- The universe wants us
to settle for one another.

Well, there has to be a reason

this keeps happening to us, Liz.

I think fate is telling us

this is the best
we're ever gonna get.

We're each other's
settling soul mates.

- Settling soul
mates? That is grim.

And I've played monopoly alone.

- Well, I know it's not ideal,

but we'd both benefit.

I mean, I could open
jars and kill bugs for you,

and you could make me
look less gay at work functions.

- Look, I happen
to believe in roma...

- don't even say romantic love.

How many couples do you
know that are actually in love,

that don't completely
annoy one another?

- Okay, what about them?

- You wouldn't be complaining

if you wore the
shoes I bought you.

- You're an old bitch.

- Why fight this?
Grow old with me, Liz?

In separate bedrooms?
- No way.

Have a nice life.

- Think about it, Liz.

It's what the universe wants.

You'd have someone to tell you

when you're about
to step in something.

- Ah, nerds!

- Okay, mentor time.
I need a pep talk.

- Lemon, I'm not in the mood
to solve your lady problems

or listen to a story
about whatever escapee

from the island of misfit
toys you're currently dating.

- No, this is a Liz
relationship emergency.

It's a Liz-aster.

- [Sighs]

Okay, Lemon. What is it?

- [Sighs] Okay. Ever
since I was little...

- No, faster than that.
- My whole adult life...

- No!
- Oprah says...

- You have ten seconds.
- Okay, this guy Wesley

thinks we should get married

because it's time
for us to settle.

Now that's completely
and totally wrong because...

- Is it?

Maybe you should settle.

Everybody settles.
- What?

- Look at me.

At one point, my
obituary was going to read,

"CEO of G.E. dies
violently in a casino orgy."

Now what's it going to say?

"Middle Manager
of a Philadelphia

pornography distributor
never wakes up"?

- What are you talking about?
- Kabletown.

It's a mousetrap company.

And you cannot build
a better mousetrap.

- Wait... Kabletown
makes mousetraps?

- Kabletown doesn't
make anything.

Maybe it is the
perfect business.

A perpetual motion
machine endlessly satisfying

every human need.

Soon you won't even
have to leave your house.

- That sounds pretty good.

- They don't need ideas,

they don't need innovation.

In other words,
they don't need me.

- Wait, where are you going?

- I'm going to Bury Don Geiss,

america, and hope.

[Knock at door]
- Hey.

I saw some women
came forward to say

you didn't have sex with them.

- It's gotten worse.

Somebody leaked my voicemails.

Hey, baby, it's your husband.

So I'm at bed bath & beyond,

and I can't remember,

did you say to get metal or
wood shower curtain rings?

Oh, you're calling
me on the other line.

I can't wait to talk
to you. I love you.

- How does Angie feel
about this? Is she mad?

- She says I better
have an affair and quick

before it tears
our family apart.

- I wish I could help you,

but I can't sleep
with a black guy.

I'd lose my endorsement
deal with Nascar.

- That's the problem.

Who's desperate enough
to have sex with me

at this point?
- Come on.

You're still Tracy Jordan.

There's got to be
some skank around here

who's made it very
clear she wants you.

Go save your career

and give her the
thrill of a lifetime.

- Hello, Elizabeth.

May I offer you
a succulent fruit?

- What? No. Why are you in here?

- Let me do a dance
for you, my lover.

No. No, this is wrong.

I can't have sex
with you, Liz Lemon.

I love Angie too much.

- Wow. Okay.

That was not gonna
happen for many reasons

besides you loving your wife.

Reason one: I am conscious.

Reason two: You
smell like icy hot.

Reason three...
- I'm sorry, L.L.

I know how much you
wanted this to happen.

I'm disappointed in me too.

If I can't have an affair,
Tracy Jordan is finished.

- Stop it. Just embrace the fact

that you are lucky enough
to be a happily married man.

I mean, I'm actually
jealous of you.

You've got stability,
a great marriage,

devoted kids.

You know what I have?

A sims family that
keeps getting murdered.

So quit whining and be grateful.

- I am lucky. Thanks, Liz Lemon.

- You're welcome, tray.

- Hey, you know what, one
day you will have what I have

because you're an amazing,
strong, and intelligent woman

like hilary...

From fresh prince of bel-air.

- Thank you. That's
a very good pep talk.

Ugh!
- I'm sorry.

I was still riding
the vibe from earlier.

[Somber G.E. jingle playing]

♪ ♪

- Welcome, all, to the
memorial service/freezing

for Donald H. Geiss.

You were the last
of a dying breed, sir.

I'll never forget the first
thing he ever said to me.

"These are all
hookers. Pick one."

Then after we picked our
hookers and the plane took off,

he told me his
business philosophy.

There's always an
untapped market.

Don was the one who realized
there was a whole segment

of consumers not
buying light bulbs.

The asleep.

That realization led him
to develop the nightlight

and the marketing campaign
aimed at making children

afraid of the dark... A
monster under every bed.

Don said that no business
is ever done evolving.

But there are always
opportunities for innovation,

that you can always...

You can always
find new customers.

I'm sorry.

But I just had an
amazing business idea.

You'll have to excuse me.

[Applause]

[Ave Maria]

♪ ♪

I know it's not my place
yet to call a meeting

of Kabletown senior
vice presidents,

but I have something I
need to share with you.

Gentlemen, there is a
giant segment of consumers

who are not buying our
most lucrative product.

Three words: Porn for women.

- Jack, women hate porn

almost as much as men
hate going to outlet malls.

- Yes, women
hate porn. Our porn.

But women do have
one insatiable need.

To jabber.

And it doesn't matter if
you have a headache,

or you're not in the mood,

or you're about to go
to Don Geiss's funeral,

they barge right
into your office

and start complaining
about a boyfriend

or a coworker.

And you're supposed
to sit there and nod

and tell them they're right.

And the more you give it to
them, the more they want it.

- I'll tell you, sometimes
my wife will be blathering on

about something, and I'll think,

I'm more than
just a pair of ears.

You know, I'm a person

who thinks about sex
every seven seconds.

- Exactly.

- So what if women had
a pay-per-view channel

featuring handsome men
patiently listening to them?

What if they had...
Porn for women?

- Okay, but where does
that content come from?

- From us. We make it.

- Jack. We don't make...

- Hear me out. Yes,
I'm talking about

doubling pay-per-view profits

while cutting out the middle
man, but I'm also talking

about American businessmen
doing what they were born to do...

Make things.

We've stopped making

and become a
country of consumers.

Well, I, for one, am
done consuming.

And I'm ready to make.

- Liz? I don't believe it.

- Hello, Wesley.

- Don't you see this is just
gonna keep happening?

You can't fight the universe.

- No, this isn't a coincidence.

I wanted to see
you, and I figured

you wouldn't miss a tasting
of the white wines of Scotland.

- Most restaurants
refuse to serve them.

- Oh, yeah, you've only
told me that, like, nine times.

- So does this mean
you've come to your senses?

Are you ready to settle
and become Mrs. Snipes?

- No. I wanted to
tell you to your face

that I know that I can
do better than you.

And I am never
gonna be Mrs. Snipes.

Hang on, is your
name Wesley snipes?

That is insane!
- No, it's insane

that the actor Wesley
snipes has that name.

If you saw a picture of
him and a picture of me,

and you were asked, "who
should be named Wesley snipes?"

You'd pick the pale
englishman every time.

Every time, Liz.

Frankly, you should be having
this conversation with him.

- Yeah. I'm gonna go do that.

- I give you two months
before you give up

and decide to settle!

I'll see you in may!

For sweeps!

That's what we call
spring cleaning in england.

- [Groans]

[Flipping channels]

- Hello there.
- Well, hello.

- How was your day?
Do you need to talk?

'Cause I'll just listen
patiently and say things like,

"uh-huh," "how annoying,"

"she's clearly jealous of you,"

and "well, it's his loss."

You're a great woman.
You deserve a great man.

For just $24.95 an hour.

- Yes, please.

- It's the yellow
button, sweetie.