All language subtitles for 30.Rock.S04E13.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE.SDH

- Hey, Liz, my daughter's
selling Valentine cookies

for a school fundraiser.

- Valentine's day is a sham

created by card companies
to reinforce and exploit

gender stereotypes.

- Evelyn, this is the lady
I was telling you about.

- I like Valentine's day.
Tommy Reticker gave me a card.

- Ha. Learn from my sexual
misadventures, Evelyn.

Last Valentine's day,

I watched my boyfriend Drew's

mother/grandmother die.

I met Floyd on Valentine's day,

but he left me for
the city of Cleveland.

And forget about Dennis!

That pervert would always
just try to get me drunk...

- all right, so zero cookies.

- No, I'll buy some cookies.

But not for Valentine's day.

Instead, these cookies celebrate

the February 14th birthday

of Anna Howard Shaw,
famed American suffragette.

Happy Anna Howard
Shaw day to you, Evelyn.

- Come on.

- A happy Anna Howard
Shaw day to us all!

[Exciting jazz music]

♪ ♪

- Lemon, which one of these
ties do you find more attractive?

- The red, definitely.
- Thank you.

I've got to look
camera ready tonight.

I'm being interviewed on cnbc.

Have you ever watched

the hotbox with Avery Jessup?

- No, cnbc gives me a headache.

I get all my money
advice from PBS.

- Where should I put my money:

In tech stocks or
the housing market?

- Tech stocks, foxy
moneybags, tech stocks!

- Sir, your reservations are
all set for Valentine's day.

And just to be clear, are
you and I exchanging...

- no.

- Why do you have
Valentine's plans?

What about Nancy?

- Nancy knows that I'm
here when she's ready.

But after what we went
through, our marriage,

the way that it
ended between us,

it was, uh, very intense.

- Like when you think
there's one more stair,

but there isn't.

And all of the sudden,
you're, like, "whoa!"

- Exactly.

So for now, I just want
something fun and easy.

Frankly, I could use a win.
- A win?

What's with the
euphemisms, Jack?

Why don't you just
say you want some...

- Is that sex, Lemon?
- Is the way I do it.

So who's the lucky lady?
- I'm not sure yet.

I have three dates
set up across the city,

and I hope one
of them works out.

- How are you gonna
handle three different dates?

- Well, I have a
system for first dates.

At the appointed
time, Jonathan calls me

and tells me that I
have a conference call

with the Geneva office.

If I don't like the woman,
I have an excuse to leave.

If I do like her, I
loudly tell Jonathan

that I'm doing something
more important.

The woman is suitably impressed.

And I'm guaranteed
to see some underwear.

Perhaps a, uh, bra
with a front clasp.

- What?

- What are your plans for
Valentine's day, Lemon?

- I am taking myself out
of the equation entirely.

I scheduled a root canal
for February 14th, Jack.

I will spend half the
day in twilight sleep.

Then I will go home and
watch the lifetime original movie

my stepson is my cyber-husband.

- Wow. That is inspired.

You are truly the
Picasso of loneliness.

- Or I am that painting
elephant of being awesome.

- Oh, Kenneth, have any
packages come for me today?

- No, miss Maroney.

- Well, that doesn't
make any sense.

Valentine's day is
always a huge deal

for Maynard Roger Hoynes.

That's my stalker.

- You have a stalker?

- It's a real problem in
the celebrity community.

But if Beyonce simply
answered one of my letters,

I'd stop trying to
break into her house.

- So if you haven't
heard from him,

isn't that a good thing?

- Kenneth, the celebrity-
stalker relationship

is very special.

Maynard's debilitating devotion

validates how wonderful I am.

But what does it say
about me if he's moved on?

Maybe to one of my
peers like Julia Roberts.

- I'm sure there's a
reasonable explanation,

miss Maroney.

- Hey.

Has anybody heard about
any cool new sex positions?

My girlfriend's
visiting for Valentine's

and I want to keep
things caliente.

- Oh, my god, Lutz.

Are you still pretending
Karen exists?

- She's real.

Would a fake woman
have a personal web site

at jdlutz. Com/karen/proof?

- Oh, good grief.

My cousin set me up on a
blind date for Valentine's,

and I just found out
the girl is... Well...

Urban.

- Are you saying she's black?

- I don't know how
to get out of this.

- Dude, come out with me.

You know that load
with the messed-up teeth

who cleans the urinals?

She'll only go out with me

if she can bring
her ugly sister.

- Wow, I can't believe you guys

are letting Valentine's day win.

Not me. One word. Oral.

Two words. Oral surgery.

I'm having oral surgery
and skipping Valentine's day.

Doctor's orders.

- Oh, that reminds me,
Dr. Kaplan's office called.

They want to know
who's picking you up

after your procedure.

- What?
- Yeah. It's an insurance thing.

Any time they have anesthesia,

someone needs to bring you home.

- Hey, that stuff messes you up.

When I had my wisdom teeth out,

I tried to get in the
bath with my mom.

- Okay, is there any chance
that you could take me home?

- Sorry.

Every year, Paula and I rent
this big suite up at niagara.

And then she
takes the kids there

and I stay home and
get wasted in my garage.

It's what keeps the magic alive.

- Welcome back.

I'm here with Sheinhardt-
universal vice president

Jack Donaghy.

Thanks for sitting
in the hot box, Jack.

- My pleasure, Avery.

- Also joining me, Walter Stein,

whose bow tie tells us he
works for some liberal think tank.

- And the food in
his beard tells us

that he purchased a snack pack

on the train from new haven.

- Ooh, that's got
to hurt, Walter.

- Let's get to the
countdown. First topic.

Prime minister Wen
wants a weak yuan. Do we?

- China needs to transition
to a spending economy.

- After Dubai, what's
the next credit crisis?

- The Baltics or women's tennis.

- Do we need a second bailout?

- Absolutely... not.
- I love it.

Try to get in there, beta dog.

- I am trying.
- On three.

Who will be the next president
of these United States?

Three.

- Both: Mitt Romney's
oldest son Jezba.

- Dennis Kucinich.
- Okay, that's sad, Walter.

Just sad. Jack, back to you.

Who's number one
on your speed dial?

BlackBerry, Warren buffett.
IPhone, Jimmy buffett.

- Favorite movie.
- Tie.

The fountainhead or uncle buck.

- My wife and I just saw
the yellow handkerchief.

- Just sit a couple
out, Stein. God.

All right, karaoke.
Go to Jack. Hit me.

- Nitty gritty dirt band.
- Oh, I rock the brothers.

Hey, let's grab
a drink after this.

- You read my mind.

- We'll be right
back after this ad

aimed at the elderly.

- One second.
[Whispering indistinctly]

[Laughs]

- Hey, tray,

I really need a ride
home from the doctors

on Valentine's day.

- Can't do it, li-Lem.

On Valentine's day,

Angie and I rent a room
with a heart-shaped hot tub

and cook chili in it.

Then we take it
to a soup kitchen

and that's where
it starts to get sexy

- hey, Jenna, please tell me

you haven't already concocted

your usual
Valentine's day drama.

- Can't talk, Liz.

I just got my stalker's work
address from his parole officer.

And I'm gonna confront him
about why he's ignoring me.

- Hey, Kenneth. Are
you free on Valentine's?

- No, miss Lemon. I'm sorry.

I will be attending an
all-day abstinence rally.

You're welcome to come.

I think I've got an extra

gender-neutralizing hood.

- No. Thanks. God.
- Hey, Liz!

- Hey.
- The answer's no.

- Hello, Maynard.

- Jenna, you shouldn't
have come here.

- Well, what was
I supposed to do?

It's almost Valentine's day

and I haven't heard
anything from you.

Has the dog who gives
you your orders died?

- No. Brandon's fine.
Jenna, we need to talk.

I don't think I can
stalk you anymore.

- No. You don't mean that.

- Look, I have a new
therapist, I'm taking my meds.

I can't even see electricity

shooting out of
your head any more.

- Well, is there someone else?

It's one of those
kids from glee, isn't it?

- Jenna, please,
don't make a scene.

- I always knew this
would end someday.

I just thought it would
be with me in the trunk

of a rental car.

- So, uh, where did
you go to school?

Choate, then Yale,

then two years in Africa
with the Peace Corp.

- The Peace Corps.
That's surprising.

- Oh, no, the Peace Corp.

Lawrence peace's corporation.

We drilled for oil
in gorilla habitats.

- Oh, of course.

I learned to talk to gorillas
when I worked for ge medical.

Uh, we're going to
test poisons on you.

- Oh.
- [Chuckles]

So, uh, are you seeing anyone?

- Not for a few months.

You remind me of him, actually.

I have a thing for commanding
salt and pepper types.

I don't know why.

I think it started when I
walked into my parents

doing it the day
Reagan was shot.

- I wouldn't over-analyze that.

[Cell phone vibrates]

Hello.

- I am calling about the made-up
conference call with Geneva.

I love having secrets with you.

One time, I ran over
an old lady in Arizona

and just kept driving.

- Yes. Damn it. Geneva.

Well, cancel the
conference call.

I'm doing something far
more important right now.

And more beautiful.

- You're kidding, right? I
mean, that's your move?

- I-I beg your pardon.

- It's 3:30 in the
morning in Geneva, Jack.

Who's your call with?

The hooker working the
corner outside of raiffeisenbank?

- Oh, well, it is February.

And in Switzerland, that
is night business month.

- Okay.
- All right, I'm sorry.

I forgot who I was dealing with.

Stay and just
have another drink.

- Look at me, Jack.

Look how my body
goes with this dress.

I don't need to be
dealing with amateurs.

- Listen, Frank, I really need
a ride home from the doctor

on Valentine's day.

Are you free?

- No. That cleaning
lady finally agreed

to go out with me.

We're gonna pick
up some pierogies

and then eat them at
her husband's grave.

[Chuckles] You thought you
were so much smarter than us,

didn't you?

But now you're in the exact same

crappy Valentine's day
boat everyone else is in.

- No, I'm not.

I just need a ride
home, not a date.

They're completely
different situations.

- How's that?

All we want on Valentine's day
is to know that someone cares

even a little about us.

Aren't you looking
for the same thing?

In fact, yours is worse.

If you don't get
that tooth fixed,

the infection will probably
move to your brain

and kill you.

- Yeah, well, if I die, my
ghost is gonna haunt you.

- Then your ghost is gonna see

some disgusting stuff.

- Lemon, look at this.
It's from Avery Jessup.

- Oh, it's set to
the wrong time.

- It's set to Geneva time.

Last night, Avery
saw right through

my conference call move.

Today, she sent this.

"Hopefully you won't make
the same mistake again,

mon sel et poivre."

That means "my salt and
pepper" in Swiss French.

She's hitting the ball
back, Lemon. Game on.

- Wow. Avery Jessup. She's hot.

She was on Maxim's
"I'd rape that 100."

- I know. And besides
being beautiful,

Avery is smart and
doesn't suffer fools.

And when I
eventually seduce her,

it's going to be...
Very satisfying.

- Well, great.

I hope you enjoy your weird game

of sexy one-upsmanship.

Meanwhile, the male
escort that I hired

to take me home from surgery

has had a chlamydia
flare-up, so...

- uh, Lemon, I wish
I could help you,

but I have to
concentrate on Avery.

Uh, I need a big next move
and you have a show tonight.

I've invited her to be my
guest at the TGS vip room.

- We don't have
a vip room or vips.

- Get Jon Bon Jovi.

He's NBC's current
artist in residence.

- What is that?

- A not stupid program
that I came up with.

Bon Jovi is under contract
with us for a full year

and scheduled to
appear across a variety

of programming platforms.

[NBC news theme]

- Okay, fine. I'll set it up.

Thank you.

Because tonight,
she's going to get

the Jack Donaghy "a" game.

- Ooh. She's getting the
Jack Donaghy "a" game.

Hope she can
keep her clothes on.

- Lemon, your hair
looks very nice today.

You should wear it
like that more often.

- Oh, my. Well, I-I never, uh...

- Oh. Ma'am, is something wrong?

- Maynard left me.
- Oh. I'm sorry.

- Look at this.

It's the first letter
he ever sent me.

- "Jenna, I was in
your bedroom last night.

I left a gift in your toilet.

You will be my bride someday."

Oh.

How can you be upset
about losing a guy like this,

miss Maroney?

- Look, I know it's crazy.

Maynard is a weirdo.

But that weirdo loved
me unconditionally.

You know what I realized?

He's the longest
relationship I've ever had.

Except, of course, for Doug.

- Please do not
say what Doug is.

- Doug is my vibrator.

This is the worst
Valentine's day ever.

- Hello, this is
Elizabeth Lemon.

I have surgery
scheduled tomorrow.

And I am not
embarrassed to tell you

that I don't have
anyone to pick me up

and I will be leaving alone.

- Ma'am, you really
need someone.

- No, I don't. I
don't need anyone.

Because I can do
every single thing

that a person in
a relationship can.

Everything. Even
zip up my own dress.

Hmm.

You know, there are some things

that are actually harder
to do with two people

such as... Monologues.

- Look, if you really
don't have anyone,

you can sign a
liability release,

then you can leave alone.

I'll fax it to your office.
- Great.

Thank you for
looking out for a sister.

In a feminist way, not
because you're black.

Although it doesn't matter
because I'm black too.

No. You're gonna meet
me. No, I'm not black.

- Thank you for setting
all this up, Lemon.

Grizz, Dotcom, thank
you for pretending

to be bouncers.

- Maybe some day
we'll live in a world

where you ask us to
pretend to be scientists.

[Footsteps approach]

- Jon. Thank you for coming.

- Oh, no problem, Jack.

What do you need,
arena rock anthem,

power ballad?

- Actually, I have
a date coming by.

So if you can come over
at some point and say hello,

that would really impress her.

- Oh, sure. That sounds
like an appropriate use

of my time and talent.

- Liz. The doctor's office
faxed this to you earlier.

Hey, when are you
going to set up that cool

vip lounge?

- Thank you, Cerie.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You shouldn't sign anything
without reading it first.

I made that mistake once

and I ended up NBC's
artist in residence.

- Oh. Okay.

- Give me it.

I have an honorary degree
from monmouth university.

- Hmm.

- "I, the undersigned,

"henceforce known as the alone,

"hereby state that
on February 14th,

I have absolutely
no one in my life."

You're alone on Valentine's day?

- It's not about a date.

I just don't have a ride
home from the doctor's office.

- But isn't that the same thing?

I mean, isn't it about
having somebody out there...

- yeah, I get it, Bon Jovi,

it's already been
explained to me.

- "I, the alone, otherwise
known as Jane sadwoman,

"release Dr. Kaplan's office

of all legal responsibilities.

"Will likely die alone
eaten by house cats."

Boy, this seems like
a lot of unnecessary...

- forget it. I am
not signing this.

I reject the idea that
there's some stigma

to being alone.

- All right, then
what's the plan

if you don't sign the release?

- I'll just tell them
that my "boyfriend"

is gonna pick me up.

And then after the
surgery, I'll make a run for it.

- So you're going
to invent a boyfriend

on Valentine's day?

That is the lamest thing
I've heard since... This.

- I'm Tyke Myson, baby boxer.

- I wrote that.

- I'm Tyke Myson, baby boxer.

- Hey, Jack,
who's this lovely...?

- Excuse me, Bon Jovi,

I'm in the middle of
a conversation here.

- Yeah, but you said to...
- Uh, thank you.

- I hate it here.
- Wow.

That was a lot better

than your little
conference call move.

- Can I get you a drink, Avery?

- Or we could just
get out of here.

- Yes. We could.

- Hello. Elizabeth Lemon.

- Do you have your release?

- No, I don't need it
because my boyfriend,

astronaut Mike Dexter,

will be picking me up...

On his motorcycle.

- Mm-hmm. Take a seat.

- ♪ I will ♪

♪ remember you ♪

♪ will you remember me? ♪

- Oh. Oh.

Ah. [Screams]

♪ ♪

[Gasps, screams]

♪ ♪

[Scissors snip]

[Screams]

♪ ♪

♪ that we had ♪

[Screams]

♪ ♪

[Inhales] Maynard?

♪ I will ♪

♪ remember you ♪

- You know, I don't
think the "Anastacia"

actually "affectored" me.

Oh, my god. What
are you doing here?

- We knew you'd
need a ride home.

- What do you mean we?

- You can't leave
without a ride, dummy.

- Happy Valentine's day.

Oh, you have some
dried blood on your teeth.

- You're here.

You're all here because
you didn't want me

to be alone today.

Oh, Floyd, I still
think every day

about what would've happened

if I had gone to
Cleveland with you.

And even you, Dennis,

watching the color
purple drunk with you

was one of the
funnest nights of my life.

And Drew, so handsome.

So, so stupid.

Seeing all of your
beautiful faces

and Dennis' Jean jacket,

I know that I don't need anyone,

but I do want to be loved.

We all do.

And if it didn't work
out between us,

it's just because I'm not
finished becoming me yet.

But I will find love someday.

Because I am a sailor

on the sea of the human heart.

- Okay, this bitch is
tripping her ass off.

- Well, what do we do with her?

I got a date tonight.

- I say we order us some
pizza and lock her in here

for the weekend.

- I'm gonna start
dialing numbers

till somebody pick up.

- What's that, Bon Jovi?

You love me too?

- Hey. You want
to grab breakfast?

- You're sweet, Jack,
but let's not pretend

this is anything
more than it is.

- I'm sorry?

- Look, despite what happened
in the shower last night,

I'm a pretty traditional girl.

I mean, I want a husband
someday and a family

and men like you don't.

- "Men like me"?
That isn't fair.

I want a family.

A son I can throw a ball to

and when he's older,
have power struggles with.

- Jack, you don't
have to lie to me, okay?

I love guys like you.

You're great! For one night.

- Look, Avery, I
admit, this isn't

what I was looking for
going into this weekend.

But you're an amazing woman.

[Cell phone buzzes]

Lemon, I c... oh.
You're kidding.

Okay. I... I... I'll
be right there.

Uh, I need to go.

- Jack, the phone trick again?

I mean, I'd be insulted
if I wasn't so impressed

by your assistant.

- This isn't a trick.

I have to pick up a
hallucinating employee of mine

from the oral surgeon's office.

- Well, that's at
least creative.

- Look, cancel
your walk of shame.

Come with me on
a car ride of proof.

- [Gasps] Oh, my god.

Who did this?

- I don't know.

I guess some weirdo
out there loves you.

- Thank you, Kenneth.

- I don't know what
you're talking about.

Happy Valentine's day.

- [Giggles]

- [Giggling]

What hotel is this?

- Uh, would you just
keep an eye on her?

I'm gonna turn down her bed.

- I was sure he
was making this up.

- Yes, you're a
very pretty doggy.

- Hey, what do you
think about Jack?

- Who, jacky? He's the best one.

[Whispers] I don't know
what I would do without him.

- Yeah, he is pretty
great, isn't he?

- [Gasps] Bon Jovi.

- Um...
- Uh, no, no, no, no, Lemon.

It's time for bed. It's
time for bed. Yeah.

- [Snoring]

- Chanise, what you
gonna do this weekend?

- Me going to re-wallpaper
me powder room, man.

- Ooh, girl.
- You need a boyfriend.

- But why I need a man just to
help me put up me wallpaper?

I'm a independent woman.

- Okay, miss "t."

You see how she act
like she don't want one?

- Uh-huh.

- You know she gonna
come back in here crying

when she can't kill a water bug.

- What you want to
order for lunch today?

- Don Cheadle on a bed of rice.

[Hooting]

- No, she didn't.
- She sure did.

- [Laughs] Happy
Valentine's day, no one.