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1
00:00:01,126 --> 00:00:02,854
- I never thought this
day would come, Lizzie.
2
00:00:02,878 --> 00:00:05,380
- Okay, push.
- [Groaning]
3
00:00:05,672 --> 00:00:07,591
- Push, Liz Lemon!
4
00:00:07,883 --> 00:00:09,843
- Here comes your baby!
5
00:00:10,135 --> 00:00:12,387
- Congratulations.
It's meat cat!
6
00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:14,473
- [Laughs]
- The cheesy blasters mascot.
7
00:00:14,765 --> 00:00:16,517
- I'm what's inside ya!
8
00:00:16,808 --> 00:00:18,352
Razzmatazz! [Laughs]
9
00:00:18,644 --> 00:00:20,938
- [Gasps]
10
00:00:21,230 --> 00:00:23,607
I got to eat better.
11
00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,570
- Oh, hello, Mr. Hornberger.
12
00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:30,507
I thought I was the only
one here at this hour.
13
00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:31,931
- No, this is just
my little ritual,
14
00:00:32,157 --> 00:00:33,757
so I can have a moment
of peace and quiet
15
00:00:33,992 --> 00:00:36,370
between home,
where this happened,
16
00:00:36,662 --> 00:00:38,080
and work, where...
17
00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:40,499
I'm always being interrupted.
18
00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:41,791
- Oh, I get it.
19
00:00:41,833 --> 00:00:42,833
A little Pete time.
20
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:43,960
Pardon the familiarity.
21
00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:46,964
Well, you just enjoy
your coffee, sir,
22
00:00:47,256 --> 00:00:48,632
while I tell you a funny story
23
00:00:48,924 --> 00:00:50,050
about my friend's cat.
24
00:00:50,342 --> 00:00:52,135
His name is Mr. Wiggles,
25
00:00:52,427 --> 00:00:54,012
and his cat's name is Benson.
26
00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:54,846
- Where's Liz?
27
00:00:55,138 --> 00:00:56,765
I need to speak
to her right away.
28
00:00:57,057 --> 00:01:01,478
- I guess that's the end
of Pete and Kenneth time.
29
00:01:01,770 --> 00:01:03,855
- Liz, she's here.
30
00:01:04,147 --> 00:01:05,147
Verna's here.
31
00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:06,817
My mother is downstairs.
32
00:01:07,109 --> 00:01:08,735
- Are you sure?
33
00:01:09,027 --> 00:01:10,427
- I didn't see her.
Security called.
34
00:01:10,612 --> 00:01:11,612
She was trying to use
35
00:01:11,863 --> 00:01:13,615
an OxyContin
prescription bottle as I.D.
36
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:14,908
- That's Verna.
37
00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:16,200
- Oh!
38
00:01:16,285 --> 00:01:17,661
- So is she coming up?
39
00:01:17,953 --> 00:01:18,620
- Are you kidding?
40
00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:20,431
I told them to throw
her off the property.
41
00:01:20,455 --> 00:01:21,665
But I'm sure she's down there,
42
00:01:21,957 --> 00:01:23,625
sitting on a curb,
chain-smoking,
43
00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:25,157
and waiting for me to come out.
44
00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:27,379
Just like the day I was born.
45
00:01:27,671 --> 00:01:28,671
- Wow.
46
00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:30,441
Look, Jenna, I know
that she's no prize,
47
00:01:30,465 --> 00:01:32,551
but no matter what,
Verna is your mother.
48
00:01:32,843 --> 00:01:34,988
Don't you want to have a
relationship with your mother?
49
00:01:35,012 --> 00:01:36,132
- This isn't a relationship.
50
00:01:36,263 --> 00:01:37,407
This is some woman who shows up
51
00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:38,951
every couple of
years to ask for money.
52
00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:40,601
To her, I'm just a gorgeous,
53
00:01:40,892 --> 00:01:42,477
naturally-blonde atm.
54
00:01:42,769 --> 00:01:44,831
- You know, my mother and I
sometimes didn't see eye to eye,
55
00:01:44,855 --> 00:01:46,455
but at the end of the
day, we always said
56
00:01:46,732 --> 00:01:48,025
♪ don't go to sleep ♪
57
00:01:48,317 --> 00:01:50,402
♪ with a frown in your pocket ♪
58
00:01:50,694 --> 00:01:53,071
- Ugh, Liz, you don't know
anything about mothers.
59
00:01:53,363 --> 00:01:55,741
Where's Jack?
60
00:01:56,033 --> 00:01:58,243
- ♪ Go into your yard
and tie it on a rocket ♪
61
00:01:58,535 --> 00:01:59,995
Both: ♪ shoot it to the moon ♪
62
00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:02,080
♪ you'll be feeling
better soon ♪
63
00:02:02,372 --> 00:02:04,833
♪ don't go to bed with a frown ♪
64
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,878
[Exciting jazz music]
65
00:02:08,170 --> 00:02:16,053
♪ ♪
66
00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:27,981
- Yeah, there were firemen
there and everything.
67
00:02:28,273 --> 00:02:29,650
- Where?
- At my house.
68
00:02:29,941 --> 00:02:30,984
I left my sith lord cloak
69
00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:33,153
too near my mom's
shrine to Italian Jesus,
70
00:02:33,445 --> 00:02:34,685
and the candles started a fire.
71
00:02:34,863 --> 00:02:36,156
- Were the firemen strong?
72
00:02:36,448 --> 00:02:38,168
Were any of them the
ones from the calendar?
73
00:02:38,367 --> 00:02:39,951
- My mom's staying
with family upstate,
74
00:02:40,243 --> 00:02:42,323
but I've got to find some
place around here to crash.
75
00:02:42,412 --> 00:02:43,580
- I'm sorry.
76
00:02:43,872 --> 00:02:45,472
Would you like to stay
in my guest house?
77
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:46,083
- Yeah. Thanks.
78
00:02:46,375 --> 00:02:47,584
When's good to go over there?
79
00:02:47,876 --> 00:02:48,876
- Oh, I'm not offering.
80
00:02:48,919 --> 00:02:49,920
I'm just taking a survey
81
00:02:50,212 --> 00:02:51,922
to Gauge general interest.
82
00:02:52,214 --> 00:02:53,757
But Liz here has
a spare apartment.
83
00:02:54,049 --> 00:02:55,175
Ain't that right, Liz?
84
00:02:55,467 --> 00:02:56,527
- Well, it's not really spare.
85
00:02:56,551 --> 00:02:57,911
I bought the place
upstairs from me
86
00:02:58,136 --> 00:02:59,364
when I thought I was
getting a talk show.
87
00:02:59,388 --> 00:03:00,788
But I'm gonna finish
the combination
88
00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:02,325
as soon as I
either hit the lottery
89
00:03:02,349 --> 00:03:05,185
or get married.
90
00:03:05,477 --> 00:03:07,229
Ugh. Fine. You can stay with me.
91
00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:08,730
But it's stuff like this
92
00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:10,482
that makes me
eat things like this.
93
00:03:10,774 --> 00:03:11,900
- Thanks, Liz.
94
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,735
Oh, I'd like to pre-apologize
95
00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:17,698
for clogging your
tub, sink, and toilet.
96
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:20,784
- Mothers.
97
00:03:21,076 --> 00:03:22,869
You can't kill them...
98
00:03:25,831 --> 00:03:27,791
- Verna's been using
me my whole life, Jack.
99
00:03:28,083 --> 00:03:30,335
I never saw a penny from any
of the commercials I booked.
100
00:03:30,627 --> 00:03:32,212
Keep you and your pets safe
101
00:03:32,504 --> 00:03:34,423
with gator hater gator spray.
102
00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:36,883
- Sorry. Honey, you got
to get closer to the gator.
103
00:03:37,175 --> 00:03:38,552
We drove eleven
hours to get here,
104
00:03:38,844 --> 00:03:40,154
and you're not
getting any younger.
105
00:03:40,178 --> 00:03:41,805
- But when I
wanted to sing a duet
106
00:03:42,097 --> 00:03:43,257
in a mother-daughter pageant,
107
00:03:43,432 --> 00:03:45,392
she blew it off because
there was no prize money.
108
00:03:45,684 --> 00:03:46,924
- But today's different, Jenna.
109
00:03:47,018 --> 00:03:47,728
Today you break the cycle,
110
00:03:48,019 --> 00:03:51,189
because today you
are going to say...
111
00:03:51,481 --> 00:03:53,066
No.
112
00:03:53,358 --> 00:03:55,402
I developed this
presentation in 2002
113
00:03:55,694 --> 00:03:56,027
when Colleen attempted
114
00:03:56,319 --> 00:03:57,559
to lengthen her Christmas visit
115
00:03:57,821 --> 00:03:58,488
to Martin Luther King Day,
116
00:03:58,780 --> 00:03:59,489
or as she calls it,
117
00:03:59,781 --> 00:04:00,781
"that day in January
118
00:04:00,991 --> 00:04:02,231
when the post office is closed."
119
00:04:02,325 --> 00:04:03,410
I had to draw the line.
120
00:04:03,702 --> 00:04:05,495
I had to say...
121
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:08,948
This word is your best friend.
122
00:04:09,124 --> 00:04:10,226
- Best friend with benefits?
123
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:11,710
- Step one, say no.
124
00:04:12,002 --> 00:04:13,002
Step two...
125
00:04:13,211 --> 00:04:14,713
She will try to pick
a fight with you.
126
00:04:15,005 --> 00:04:16,005
You will not let her.
127
00:04:16,047 --> 00:04:17,047
She will raise her voice.
128
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:21,011
But I'm going to ask you to...
129
00:04:21,303 --> 00:04:23,346
Always speak quieter.
130
00:04:23,638 --> 00:04:25,783
- Can I just tell you I'm
genuinely having fun right now?
131
00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:26,847
- If you raise your voice,
132
00:04:27,058 --> 00:04:28,058
emotions take over,
133
00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:29,519
and she gets the upper hand.
134
00:04:29,811 --> 00:04:31,021
But if you're calm and quiet,
135
00:04:31,313 --> 00:04:32,313
you stay in control,
136
00:04:32,481 --> 00:04:33,607
and it's on to step three.
137
00:04:33,899 --> 00:04:35,400
And this is the
hardest one of all.
138
00:04:35,692 --> 00:04:37,694
She will tell you how
disappointed she is in you,
139
00:04:37,986 --> 00:04:39,154
and she will get up to leave,
140
00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:42,532
and you...
141
00:04:42,824 --> 00:04:44,242
Let her walk away.
142
00:04:44,534 --> 00:04:45,076
It's simple.
143
00:04:45,368 --> 00:04:47,996
Say no. Talk low.
144
00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:51,082
Let her go.
145
00:04:51,374 --> 00:04:54,044
- Frank. Frank?
146
00:04:54,336 --> 00:04:57,714
Do you smell smoke?
147
00:04:58,006 --> 00:04:59,006
What the hell, Frank?
148
00:04:59,049 --> 00:05:00,884
- Oh, man. Look, Liz...
149
00:05:01,176 --> 00:05:03,553
- how can you
smoke? It's disgusting.
150
00:05:03,845 --> 00:05:05,222
And in my apartment?
151
00:05:05,514 --> 00:05:06,994
- Wow. An old white
lady yelling at me
152
00:05:07,182 --> 00:05:08,462
while wearing
microwavable socks.
153
00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:10,519
This is so different
than living with my mom.
154
00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:13,063
Okay, so I smoke a
little as a stress release.
155
00:05:13,355 --> 00:05:15,208
I never told you, 'cause
I knew you'd lecture me.
156
00:05:15,232 --> 00:05:16,232
- It is not a lecture
157
00:05:16,399 --> 00:05:18,026
to simply point out to someone
158
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,111
that the episode
of diff'rent strokes
159
00:05:20,403 --> 00:05:21,071
about Dudley's dad
160
00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:23,073
has proven incontrovertibly
161
00:05:23,365 --> 00:05:24,645
that smoking
destroys your health
162
00:05:24,866 --> 00:05:26,186
and leads to
ridicule from Willis.
163
00:05:26,451 --> 00:05:26,993
- Well, what about you?
164
00:05:27,285 --> 00:05:28,285
You can't judge me
165
00:05:28,411 --> 00:05:29,691
when you're eating that garbage.
166
00:05:29,913 --> 00:05:31,593
- This is not the same
thing at all, Frank.
167
00:05:31,623 --> 00:05:34,000
- Dr. Oz did a show
about junk food.
168
00:05:34,292 --> 00:05:36,586
I saw it, 'cause it's on a
compilation DVD I have
169
00:05:36,878 --> 00:05:37,878
of fat ladies crying.
170
00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:39,881
And this stuff will kill ya.
171
00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:45,762
- "Manufactured in a facility
that also processes food."
172
00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:47,681
This is what meat cat spoke of.
173
00:05:47,973 --> 00:05:49,140
- So I guess I'll just get
174
00:05:49,432 --> 00:05:50,752
one of those
little throat radios,
175
00:05:50,934 --> 00:05:52,370
and you'll be buried
in a piano crate.
176
00:05:52,394 --> 00:05:53,061
Goodnight, Liz.
177
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,522
- No, Frank, that
fire in your apartment
178
00:05:55,814 --> 00:05:56,814
was no accident.
179
00:05:56,898 --> 00:05:59,276
- I know. I just
wanted to be in control!
180
00:05:59,568 --> 00:06:00,110
- It was fate!
181
00:06:00,402 --> 00:06:01,528
We've been brought together
182
00:06:01,820 --> 00:06:05,407
to help each other
stop being gross.
183
00:06:05,699 --> 00:06:06,699
What do you say?
184
00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:07,867
- All right.
185
00:06:08,076 --> 00:06:10,036
But if doing this
restores my sex drive,
186
00:06:10,328 --> 00:06:11,808
the plus-sized ladies
in the mail room
187
00:06:11,955 --> 00:06:13,957
have you to blame.
188
00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:18,378
- Oh, there's my baby girl!
189
00:06:18,670 --> 00:06:20,463
- Hello, Verna.
190
00:06:20,755 --> 00:06:22,966
No. Low. Go.
191
00:06:23,258 --> 00:06:24,467
- Okay. I know.
192
00:06:24,759 --> 00:06:25,919
Every time we see each other,
193
00:06:26,011 --> 00:06:27,411
I'm always hitting
you up for money.
194
00:06:27,554 --> 00:06:30,098
And I know that it's
always for something stupid,
195
00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:31,808
like paying the medical bills
196
00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:33,180
that time that my boyfriend
197
00:06:33,268 --> 00:06:35,145
broke his tailbone
off in that cage match.
198
00:06:35,437 --> 00:06:38,273
But this time it's different.
199
00:06:38,565 --> 00:06:40,442
- I said no.
200
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:41,776
Wait, what is this?
201
00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:43,820
- I'm trying to pay you back.
202
00:06:44,112 --> 00:06:45,947
I'm trying to make
good for once.
203
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:47,239
- Is this the fight?
204
00:06:47,449 --> 00:06:49,492
I'm talking quieter.
205
00:06:49,784 --> 00:06:50,452
I'm in control.
206
00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:51,912
- What's that now?
207
00:06:52,203 --> 00:06:53,431
- [Whispering] I'm the calm one.
208
00:06:53,455 --> 00:06:54,497
Upper hand.
209
00:06:54,789 --> 00:06:56,791
- Jenna, why are
we talking like this?
210
00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:58,126
Does somebody have a gun?
211
00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:00,170
- I'm going lower now.
212
00:07:00,462 --> 00:07:02,005
- Okay.
213
00:07:02,297 --> 00:07:05,592
Well, I know you're busy.
214
00:07:05,884 --> 00:07:08,219
I just wanted to
say this face to face.
215
00:07:08,511 --> 00:07:11,014
I am so proud of you.
216
00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:13,850
And I love you so much.
217
00:07:14,142 --> 00:07:16,686
And I wish I'd said that more.
218
00:07:20,148 --> 00:07:21,399
- Don't go, mommy.
219
00:07:21,691 --> 00:07:24,527
I'll stand closer to the gator.
220
00:07:32,702 --> 00:07:33,870
- Goon!
221
00:07:34,162 --> 00:07:37,082
- Sorry I'm late,
Mr. Hornberger.
222
00:07:37,374 --> 00:07:38,875
[Muffled] Funny story.
223
00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:40,669
There was a guy on the subway
224
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:43,046
who I thought for a second
didn't have any fingers.
225
00:07:43,338 --> 00:07:44,631
But then I realized
226
00:07:44,923 --> 00:07:48,093
he was holding
his hand like this.
227
00:07:48,385 --> 00:07:48,969
- Listen up, everyone.
228
00:07:49,260 --> 00:07:52,222
Frank and I have some
exciting news to share.
229
00:07:52,514 --> 00:07:54,724
- I am quitting smoking.
230
00:07:55,016 --> 00:07:56,576
- And I am gonna
start eating healthier.
231
00:07:56,601 --> 00:07:58,561
- I signed up for a
service called "Noofud"
232
00:07:58,853 --> 00:08:00,939
that delivers humanely-portioned
organic meals.
233
00:08:01,231 --> 00:08:02,991
- And I took the elevator
all the way up here
234
00:08:03,191 --> 00:08:04,943
without losing my breath.
235
00:08:05,235 --> 00:08:08,822
[Applause]
236
00:08:09,114 --> 00:08:11,449
- Liz, god knows
you should eat better,
237
00:08:11,741 --> 00:08:12,901
but maybe now's not the time.
238
00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:14,202
It's show week,
239
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:15,814
and I can't have
you melting down,
240
00:08:16,037 --> 00:08:17,622
and junk food is
your stress release.
241
00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:18,914
We all need a release.
242
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:21,668
I know, because Kenneth
has taken mine away from me,
243
00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,080
and I'm worried about what
I'm gonna do to replace it.
244
00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:25,129
While you were talking,
245
00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:27,090
I put a thumbtack in my neck.
246
00:08:27,382 --> 00:08:28,550
- [Gasps]
247
00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:29,551
- Makes me feel something.
248
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:30,903
- Well, don't worry
about me, Pete.
249
00:08:30,927 --> 00:08:31,928
I have a new outlet...
250
00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:33,722
My delicious Noofud.
251
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:35,098
Like my upcoming lunch,
252
00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:37,142
Autumn tempeh Risotto
253
00:08:37,434 --> 00:08:40,770
with salmon-rubbed
streusel chunks.
254
00:08:41,062 --> 00:08:42,605
- Oh!
255
00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:47,860
- Jenna?
256
00:08:47,902 --> 00:08:48,902
I just wanted to see
257
00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:50,447
how it went with
Verna last night.
258
00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:51,948
- Jack, it was perfect.
259
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:53,533
Like a John Mayer song.
260
00:08:53,825 --> 00:08:55,035
- Good. So you said no?
261
00:08:55,326 --> 00:08:57,013
- I didn't have to. She
didn't want anything.
262
00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:58,121
She's completely changed.
263
00:08:58,413 --> 00:08:59,456
- What? No.
264
00:08:59,748 --> 00:09:00,790
People do not change.
265
00:09:01,082 --> 00:09:02,082
In the late '90s,
266
00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:03,927
I thought Colleen had
become a better person.
267
00:09:04,085 --> 00:09:04,711
It turns out she had a tumor
268
00:09:05,003 --> 00:09:08,006
pressing on her
brain's pleasure center.
269
00:09:08,298 --> 00:09:09,841
A tumor those quack
doctors removed.
270
00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:11,843
- Jack, this is different.
271
00:09:12,135 --> 00:09:12,844
She gave me money.
272
00:09:13,136 --> 00:09:14,804
- It's not different, Jenna.
273
00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:16,806
It never is.
274
00:09:17,098 --> 00:09:18,975
You must be Verna.
275
00:09:19,267 --> 00:09:20,977
- Oh, and you must
be Jack Donaghy.
276
00:09:21,269 --> 00:09:23,021
Jenna, you were right, darlin'.
277
00:09:23,313 --> 00:09:24,856
He does look like he'd be great
278
00:09:25,148 --> 00:09:28,985
between those two things
we were talking about.
279
00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:29,903
- Interesting earrings.
280
00:09:30,195 --> 00:09:32,781
- Oh, thank you. I
made 'em myself.
281
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:35,153
Something's killing all the
birds in my neighborhood.
282
00:09:35,325 --> 00:09:37,660
- Mom, I really wish you
didn't have to leave tonight.
283
00:09:37,952 --> 00:09:39,829
'Cause my birthday's
this weekend.
284
00:09:40,121 --> 00:09:42,624
- Oh, my god. I am
the worst mother.
285
00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:43,916
- No.
- Yes, I am.
286
00:09:44,167 --> 00:09:45,167
- Don't say that.
287
00:09:45,293 --> 00:09:46,773
Could a bad mom
have raised a daughter
288
00:09:46,961 --> 00:09:48,773
who was engaged to a
congressman when she was 16?
289
00:09:48,797 --> 00:09:49,957
- Jenna to the Stage, please.
290
00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:50,548
- Oh, that's me.
291
00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:53,676
- Oh, goodness.
[Murmurs excitedly]
292
00:09:53,968 --> 00:09:56,679
Oh.
293
00:09:56,971 --> 00:09:58,091
- Blowing town tonight, huh?
294
00:09:58,181 --> 00:10:00,141
- I knew it was her birthday.
295
00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:01,851
I'm throwing her
a surprise party,
296
00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:04,521
and it's at a fancy restaurant,
297
00:10:04,813 --> 00:10:06,147
so wear something nice.
298
00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:08,066
Like a pair of white jeans
299
00:10:08,358 --> 00:10:12,237
and a Dan Marino
Jersey or something, 'Kay?
300
00:10:14,197 --> 00:10:16,491
- [Groans]
301
00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:17,903
- Hey. So how you holding up?
302
00:10:18,159 --> 00:10:19,953
- Terrible. I have a
headache, a stomachache.
303
00:10:20,245 --> 00:10:21,285
Last night I spent an hour
304
00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:23,307
trying to remember how
to spell the word "heighth."
305
00:10:23,331 --> 00:10:24,874
- Liz, your body is crying out
306
00:10:25,166 --> 00:10:26,543
for all the chemicals
it's used to.
307
00:10:26,835 --> 00:10:28,128
You can't go on like this.
308
00:10:28,419 --> 00:10:29,796
Here. Eat it.
309
00:10:30,088 --> 00:10:31,148
Eat it. Come on.
You need your crutch.
310
00:10:31,172 --> 00:10:32,172
- Stop it!
311
00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:36,219
God, your arms are really weak.
312
00:10:36,511 --> 00:10:37,637
What are you smiling at?
313
00:10:37,929 --> 00:10:39,013
Aren't you miserable?
314
00:10:39,305 --> 00:10:41,141
- I have a very strong will.
315
00:10:41,432 --> 00:10:45,103
Rossitanos have refused
to fight in seven wars.
316
00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:46,104
- I don't buy it.
317
00:10:46,396 --> 00:10:47,396
There is no way that guy
318
00:10:47,438 --> 00:10:49,607
is stronger than me.
- Or me.
319
00:10:49,899 --> 00:10:51,210
- He's got to be
sneaking cigarettes.
320
00:10:51,234 --> 00:10:52,527
- You're the one
living with him.
321
00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:53,444
Catch him in the act.
322
00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:55,339
- Yeah. I still have
his old cigarette pack.
323
00:10:55,363 --> 00:10:56,843
I will leave it out
tonight as a trap,
324
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,008
and set up a video camera.
325
00:10:58,032 --> 00:10:59,032
- Good idea. Nanny cam.
326
00:10:59,117 --> 00:10:59,826
Just like the one our nanny used
327
00:11:00,118 --> 00:11:01,345
to catch me watching her sleep.
328
00:11:01,369 --> 00:11:02,871
High five.
329
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:06,166
[Winces]
330
00:11:06,457 --> 00:11:08,751
- Hi. I was told I'd get paid
331
00:11:09,043 --> 00:11:11,880
if I came here and danced
while the Atlanta hawks eat dinner.
332
00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:13,631
All: Surprise!
333
00:11:13,923 --> 00:11:16,926
- Oh, my god!
334
00:11:17,218 --> 00:11:18,636
Mom, you remembered.
335
00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:20,221
- Well, of course I remembered.
336
00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:21,806
Come here, sweetie.
337
00:11:22,098 --> 00:11:23,433
- I've seen this before.
338
00:11:23,725 --> 00:11:25,768
Classic Colleen move.
339
00:11:26,060 --> 00:11:27,140
Whatever it is Verna wants,
340
00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:28,980
she's going to
ask for it tonight,
341
00:11:29,272 --> 00:11:29,689
and Jenna can't say no
342
00:11:29,981 --> 00:11:31,141
in front of all these people.
343
00:11:31,274 --> 00:11:33,026
My mother once
won a radio contest
344
00:11:33,318 --> 00:11:35,318
to announce the starting
lineups at a Red Sox game,
345
00:11:35,486 --> 00:11:36,486
and used the opportunity
346
00:11:36,571 --> 00:11:38,823
to get me to promise
never to put her in a home.
347
00:11:39,115 --> 00:11:39,699
What could I do?
348
00:11:39,991 --> 00:11:41,385
Carl Yastrzemski
was looking right at me.
349
00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:41,951
- This isn't about you,
350
00:11:42,243 --> 00:11:43,703
so you need to
get over your issues
351
00:11:43,995 --> 00:11:45,181
and try to be happy for Jenna.
352
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:46,205
Speaking of issues,
353
00:11:46,331 --> 00:11:48,267
I had a dream the other
night that we were married
354
00:11:48,291 --> 00:11:49,959
and I gave birth to
a cartoon cat, so...
355
00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:51,836
[Glass clinking]
356
00:11:52,128 --> 00:11:53,128
- Could I have
357
00:11:53,254 --> 00:11:54,839
everybody's attention, please?
358
00:11:55,131 --> 00:11:56,674
Thank you.
359
00:11:56,966 --> 00:12:00,970
In my life, I've
been a lot of things...
360
00:12:01,262 --> 00:12:03,014
A liar.
361
00:12:03,306 --> 00:12:04,974
A dental hygienist.
362
00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:07,143
But I haven't always been
363
00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:08,686
a good mom.
364
00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:10,813
Jenna, honey, I don't
know if you remember,
365
00:12:11,105 --> 00:12:12,815
but when you were 11,
366
00:12:13,107 --> 00:12:14,734
we were supposed
to sing together
367
00:12:15,026 --> 00:12:16,819
at a mother-daughter
talent pageant.
368
00:12:17,111 --> 00:12:18,821
- I had completely
forgotten about that.
369
00:12:19,113 --> 00:12:20,782
What betrayal?
370
00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:23,534
- Well, I was drinking
pretty heavily then...
371
00:12:23,826 --> 00:12:25,745
On account of my bad knee.
372
00:12:26,037 --> 00:12:28,623
And then I went
and drove my jet ski
373
00:12:28,915 --> 00:12:32,669
into that great
big bunch of moss.
374
00:12:32,961 --> 00:12:35,797
So I did not make
it to that pageant.
375
00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:40,051
Honey, I don't deserve
a single thing from you,
376
00:12:40,343 --> 00:12:41,928
but I've got to ask one favor.
377
00:12:42,220 --> 00:12:43,680
And it's a big one.
378
00:12:43,972 --> 00:12:46,891
If you would do me
the very great honor
379
00:12:47,183 --> 00:12:49,894
of joining me?
380
00:12:50,186 --> 00:12:50,728
Hit it.
381
00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:52,772
♪ ♪
382
00:12:53,064 --> 00:12:56,025
♪ do that to me one more time ♪
383
00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:58,236
♪ once is never enough ♪
384
00:12:58,528 --> 00:13:02,824
♪ with a daughter like you ♪
385
00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:06,119
- ♪ do that to me
one more time ♪
386
00:13:06,411 --> 00:13:09,038
♪ I can never get enough ♪
387
00:13:09,330 --> 00:13:11,958
♪ of a mom like you ♪
388
00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:13,793
♪ oh ♪
389
00:13:14,085 --> 00:13:17,797
Both: ♪ kiss me ♪
390
00:13:18,089 --> 00:13:21,092
♪ like you just did ♪
391
00:13:21,384 --> 00:13:22,444
- How are you not moved by this?
392
00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:25,638
- Because I'm
listening to the words.
393
00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:30,059
Both: ♪ do that to
me once again ♪
394
00:13:36,399 --> 00:13:37,567
- Verna.
395
00:13:37,859 --> 00:13:39,152
- Hey.
396
00:13:39,444 --> 00:13:41,195
Nice office, Jack.
397
00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:42,905
I feel like I'm in
398
00:13:43,197 --> 00:13:44,782
the Martha Stewart
section of Kmart.
399
00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:46,284
- What can I do for you?
400
00:13:46,576 --> 00:13:49,912
- Oh, well, I just
wanted to thank you
401
00:13:50,204 --> 00:13:51,204
for coming to the party.
402
00:13:51,414 --> 00:13:52,707
It meant a lot to Jenna.
403
00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:54,751
And it was pretty
important to me too.
404
00:13:55,043 --> 00:13:57,837
See, now you know what
the show would be like.
405
00:13:58,129 --> 00:13:59,129
- What show?
406
00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:02,467
- Jack, I did not drive my home
407
00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:03,926
all the way to New York City
408
00:14:04,218 --> 00:14:06,763
just to kiss my daughter's ass.
409
00:14:07,055 --> 00:14:09,140
Thank you.
410
00:14:09,432 --> 00:14:11,351
I want to do a TV
show about me and her.
411
00:14:11,642 --> 00:14:13,770
- You want to do a reality show?
412
00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:14,729
- Come on.
413
00:14:15,021 --> 00:14:16,147
You see how good I am
414
00:14:16,439 --> 00:14:19,067
at pushing Jenna's buttons.
415
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:23,529
Yeah, this show will
have laughter, tears,
416
00:14:23,821 --> 00:14:25,073
topless arguments.
417
00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:28,117
Infections caused
by jacuzzi water.
418
00:14:28,409 --> 00:14:28,951
- I knew it.
419
00:14:29,243 --> 00:14:31,496
I knew you had
something up your sleeve
420
00:14:31,788 --> 00:14:34,165
besides a tattoo
with, let me guess...
421
00:14:34,457 --> 00:14:36,501
- it's a mermaid.
422
00:14:36,793 --> 00:14:38,669
Doing it with captain Morgan.
423
00:14:38,961 --> 00:14:40,213
Now, come on, Jack.
424
00:14:40,505 --> 00:14:43,466
We both understand
the value of a dollar.
425
00:14:43,758 --> 00:14:44,884
Oop.
426
00:14:45,176 --> 00:14:48,137
Now won't you please
do me this favor?
427
00:14:48,429 --> 00:14:49,472
Talk to Jenna.
428
00:14:49,764 --> 00:14:53,059
There's a lot more
where that come from.
429
00:14:53,351 --> 00:14:56,938
Which is in my underpanties.
430
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:02,318
[Knock at door]
- Come in.
431
00:15:02,610 --> 00:15:04,862
- Jenna, I was right.
432
00:15:05,154 --> 00:15:06,155
I was right all along.
433
00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:08,157
- What's that?
434
00:15:08,449 --> 00:15:10,493
- Oh. New earrings.
435
00:15:10,785 --> 00:15:11,785
- My mom just made them.
436
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,472
So they still might
have some pigeon mites.
437
00:15:13,496 --> 00:15:16,457
But she said those can't
affect... affect humans... humans.
438
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:18,102
- Yes, well, it
certainly is amazing
439
00:15:18,126 --> 00:15:19,919
to see how your mother
has made this 180.
440
00:15:20,211 --> 00:15:21,211
- It's even better, Jack.
441
00:15:21,295 --> 00:15:25,466
She's made a full 360.
442
00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:26,902
- Well, I just wanted to come by
443
00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:28,511
and make sure you're okay.
444
00:15:28,803 --> 00:15:30,096
I'm glad to see you're so happy.
445
00:15:30,388 --> 00:15:31,556
- I am happy.
446
00:15:31,848 --> 00:15:34,517
Because now I have everything.
447
00:15:38,896 --> 00:15:40,398
- Good morning, dummies.
448
00:15:40,690 --> 00:15:41,816
[All mumble]
449
00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:45,194
So Frank can go
cold Turkey but I can't?
450
00:15:45,486 --> 00:15:47,488
Well, well, well.
451
00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:49,740
Frank's old cigarettes.
452
00:15:50,032 --> 00:15:51,232
When I went to bed last night,
453
00:15:51,492 --> 00:15:53,202
there were 15
cigarettes in the pack.
454
00:15:53,494 --> 00:15:54,620
This morning, there were 12.
455
00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:56,205
- What?
- J'accuse!
456
00:15:56,497 --> 00:15:58,624
- Look, I don't know where
those cigarettes went.
457
00:15:58,916 --> 00:16:00,042
- If only some genius
458
00:16:00,334 --> 00:16:03,379
had secretly videotaped
her living room last night.
459
00:16:03,671 --> 00:16:06,257
Oh, wait. It did.
460
00:16:06,549 --> 00:16:08,229
- Hang on. You
videotaped your living room?
461
00:16:08,426 --> 00:16:09,426
All night?
462
00:16:09,510 --> 00:16:10,178
- Sure did.
463
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:11,179
And as soon as I figure out
464
00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:12,180
which one of these things
465
00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:13,472
is the thingy...
466
00:16:13,598 --> 00:16:14,598
- Coming at you.
467
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:16,934
Gimme.
468
00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:18,306
- You didn't believe in me.
469
00:16:18,436 --> 00:16:19,854
But I believed in myself.
470
00:16:20,146 --> 00:16:21,481
Just like the last scene
471
00:16:21,772 --> 00:16:23,399
of all movies.
472
00:16:23,691 --> 00:16:26,694
- Okay. Here we go.
473
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:28,112
What are you wearing?
474
00:16:28,404 --> 00:16:30,114
Both: They're
called "night Spanx".
475
00:16:30,406 --> 00:16:31,766
- I don't even
remember getting up.
476
00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:32,533
What am I doing?
477
00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:33,905
- You're sleepwalking, Liz.
478
00:16:34,076 --> 00:16:37,205
It's a little-understood
parasomnial disorder.
479
00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:38,206
[All groan]
480
00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:39,207
That's gross.
481
00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:40,082
- She's not sleep walking.
482
00:16:40,374 --> 00:16:43,586
- Oh, my god. I'm sleep ea ting.
483
00:16:43,878 --> 00:16:45,558
- You tried to take
away your release, Liz,
484
00:16:45,796 --> 00:16:46,796
but nature finds a way.
485
00:16:46,923 --> 00:16:48,523
Did you learn nothing
from Jurassic park?
486
00:16:48,799 --> 00:16:50,092
- Why am I making a phone call?
487
00:16:50,384 --> 00:16:55,806
- [Mumbling]
488
00:16:56,098 --> 00:16:57,517
[Fast-forward squeaking]
489
00:16:57,808 --> 00:16:59,119
- Okay, I don't mean to be
the black guy at the movie,
490
00:16:59,143 --> 00:17:00,269
but you better move, girl!
491
00:17:00,561 --> 00:17:01,561
[Fast-forward squeaking]
492
00:17:01,771 --> 00:17:03,105
- Uh-oh.
493
00:17:03,397 --> 00:17:05,525
- Oh, Liz, you didn't!
494
00:17:05,816 --> 00:17:07,109
- I ordered a pizza?
495
00:17:07,401 --> 00:17:08,778
[All groan]
496
00:17:09,070 --> 00:17:10,279
Oh!
497
00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:11,280
- Oh, I don't want to see this.
498
00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:12,156
- Okay, fine.
499
00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:13,448
I cheated in my sleep.
500
00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:14,784
But Frank folded too,
501
00:17:15,076 --> 00:17:16,970
because I am not making
it up about the cigarettes.
502
00:17:16,994 --> 00:17:20,081
Any minute he's gonna...
- Wait, what are you doing now?
503
00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:21,916
- No. No. Please, no.
504
00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:24,710
- Oh, god, Liz. You
didn't smoke the...
505
00:17:25,002 --> 00:17:26,002
[all groan]
506
00:17:26,254 --> 00:17:27,713
- I'm eating it.
507
00:17:28,005 --> 00:17:29,882
- Okay, well, mystery solved.
508
00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:32,009
Liz ate the cigarettes,
509
00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:33,010
and I guess some of us
510
00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:34,011
just don't need a release.
511
00:17:34,303 --> 00:17:35,513
So let's turn the TV off.
512
00:17:35,805 --> 00:17:38,099
- Hang on.
513
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:39,058
- Oh, thanks, Frank.
514
00:17:39,350 --> 00:17:40,476
- Oh, there's more.
515
00:17:40,768 --> 00:17:43,980
Denise, I said wait upstairs.
516
00:17:44,272 --> 00:17:46,023
My boss is asleep
in the other room.
517
00:17:46,315 --> 00:17:47,441
- I was told
518
00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:52,113
you have a package
for the mail room.
519
00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:53,406
- Oh, come on!
520
00:17:53,698 --> 00:17:54,698
- This just got awesome.
521
00:17:54,782 --> 00:17:55,866
- I need you, Denise.
522
00:17:56,158 --> 00:17:57,238
I'm trying to quit smoking,
523
00:17:57,493 --> 00:17:59,579
and my mom's not here.
524
00:17:59,870 --> 00:18:01,622
- I'm your mama now, baby.
525
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:03,958
♪ Don't go to sleep ♪
526
00:18:04,250 --> 00:18:06,460
♪ with a frown in your pocket ♪
527
00:18:06,752 --> 00:18:09,505
♪ go into your yard ♪
528
00:18:09,797 --> 00:18:11,048
♪ and tie it on a rocket ♪
529
00:18:11,340 --> 00:18:12,940
- This is the worst
thing I've ever seen.
530
00:18:13,217 --> 00:18:15,595
- ♪ You'll be
feeling better soon ♪
531
00:18:15,886 --> 00:18:19,473
Both: ♪ don't go to
bed with a frown ♪
532
00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:22,101
- I love you, Denise mommy.
533
00:18:26,731 --> 00:18:28,983
- We all need our release.
534
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:32,695
- Verna,
535
00:18:32,987 --> 00:18:34,307
I want to be in
business with you.
536
00:18:34,572 --> 00:18:36,198
- Oh! Ho, ho, ho!
537
00:18:36,490 --> 00:18:38,743
We are gonna be
swimming in green, Jack.
538
00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:42,705
Just like when I dye my
pool on St. Patrick's day.
539
00:18:42,997 --> 00:18:44,197
- I do have a couple of notes.
540
00:18:44,248 --> 00:18:45,750
This project will not be about
541
00:18:46,042 --> 00:18:47,710
drama or dysfunction.
542
00:18:48,002 --> 00:18:48,669
People are tired of that.
543
00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:50,171
- Well, so what's it about?
544
00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:51,463
- Redemption.
545
00:18:51,714 --> 00:18:54,467
It's about a mother making
amends to her daughter.
546
00:18:54,759 --> 00:18:55,468
And it's not a show.
547
00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:57,178
It's four visits per year...
548
00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:58,638
Christmas, mother's day,
549
00:18:58,929 --> 00:19:01,515
Jenna's birthday,
and Thanksgiving.
550
00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:03,851
You treat Jenna with
the respect she deserves,
551
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:05,269
you get a check.
552
00:19:05,561 --> 00:19:06,641
- You're trying to bribe me
553
00:19:06,771 --> 00:19:07,355
into being a good mom.
554
00:19:07,647 --> 00:19:09,148
- Well, it is all
just about money,
555
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:10,483
isn't it, Verna?
556
00:19:10,775 --> 00:19:12,068
- Well, maybe for me.
557
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:15,529
But this is emotional
for you, isn't it?
558
00:19:15,821 --> 00:19:19,825
And I believe that
gives me the upper hand,
559
00:19:20,117 --> 00:19:21,869
and you're gonna have to pay.
560
00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:23,621
Big.
561
00:19:23,913 --> 00:19:25,164
3 grand a visit,
562
00:19:25,456 --> 00:19:27,249
and a rain tarp for
my washer and dryer.
563
00:19:27,541 --> 00:19:28,876
- Deal.
564
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:30,378
Verna, stop stroking my palm
565
00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:31,170
with your middle finger.
566
00:19:31,462 --> 00:19:32,702
This is a business transaction.
567
00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:34,090
- Sorry.
568
00:19:34,382 --> 00:19:35,966
Whoo-hoo, Mr. Big stuff.
569
00:19:36,258 --> 00:19:37,843
- Dudley's father went outside
570
00:19:38,135 --> 00:19:39,220
and lit a cigarette.
571
00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:40,680
In the next episode...
572
00:19:40,971 --> 00:19:42,848
- Good morning, Pete, Kenneth.
- Liz.
573
00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:45,518
- If you are spending your
mornings with Kenneth,
574
00:19:45,810 --> 00:19:46,519
what's your release?
575
00:19:46,811 --> 00:19:48,437
- Uh...
576
00:19:48,729 --> 00:19:50,773
Oh, I feel alive!
577
00:19:51,065 --> 00:19:52,525
I've been biting my nails.
578
00:19:52,817 --> 00:19:54,610
- Oh.
579
00:19:54,902 --> 00:19:57,446
- Hey, Liz.
580
00:19:57,738 --> 00:19:59,448
Verna's coming
back for mother's day.
581
00:19:59,740 --> 00:20:01,617
We're gonna do a duet
of I'll make love to you
582
00:20:01,909 --> 00:20:03,411
at a children's hospital.
583
00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:04,870
- That's great, Jenna.
584
00:20:05,162 --> 00:20:06,497
Hey, Jack, guess what?
585
00:20:06,789 --> 00:20:08,416
Verna's coming
back for mother's day.
586
00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:10,501
- She is? What a surprise.
587
00:20:10,793 --> 00:20:13,963
- So I guess you were
100% wrong about everything.
588
00:20:14,255 --> 00:20:16,799
Think about that, Jack.
589
00:20:22,388 --> 00:20:24,807
[Elevator dings]
590
00:20:28,853 --> 00:20:31,313
- You're a good
man, Jack Donaghy.
591
00:20:31,605 --> 00:20:32,982
- Thanks, meat cat.
592
00:20:39,321 --> 00:20:41,161
- Oh, I've got an idea
for a show called doctor
593
00:20:41,365 --> 00:20:45,161
about Richard doctor,
who's a piano player.
594
00:20:45,453 --> 00:20:48,038
Do you remember that
show Jennifer slept here?
595
00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:51,125
Ann Jillian plays a ghost
of a Hollywood starlet
596
00:20:51,417 --> 00:20:52,626
who helps teenagers.
597
00:20:52,918 --> 00:20:54,587
With what? I don't know.
598
00:20:54,879 --> 00:20:57,882
Some of those people on
match game were drunk...
599
00:20:58,174 --> 00:20:59,175
With power.
600
00:20:59,467 --> 00:21:02,136
Did you know The Today Show
used to have a monkey on it?
601
00:21:02,428 --> 00:21:03,929
Hasn't been as good since.
602
00:21:04,221 --> 00:21:05,866
I think that chimp used
to drive the truck himself
603
00:21:05,890 --> 00:21:08,434
on you know what and the bear.
41149
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