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1
00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:03,021
- Your hair's
looking less weird.
2
00:00:03,045 --> 00:00:04,045
- Thanks.
3
00:00:04,254 --> 00:00:06,673
- Okay, Christmas
gifts. Uh, Pete?
4
00:00:06,965 --> 00:00:08,818
- Well, he keeps telling me
that he wants skinny jeans,
5
00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:11,136
so cheese of the month club.
6
00:00:11,428 --> 00:00:12,428
- Uh, Jenna?
7
00:00:12,471 --> 00:00:13,573
- Oh, I wanna take
that Internet photo
8
00:00:13,597 --> 00:00:14,597
of her nipple slip
9
00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:16,117
and have it made
into a Jigsaw puzzle.
10
00:00:16,141 --> 00:00:17,976
- Aw, she'll love that.
11
00:00:18,268 --> 00:00:19,520
Okay, uh, Jack?
12
00:00:19,811 --> 00:00:21,313
- Jack Donaghy?
- Yeah.
13
00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:22,605
- Huh.
14
00:00:22,814 --> 00:00:23,875
Well, I've never exchanged gifts
15
00:00:23,899 --> 00:00:25,359
with Jack before.
16
00:00:25,651 --> 00:00:27,131
But we've known
each other four years.
17
00:00:27,236 --> 00:00:28,612
I mean, we're friends, right?
18
00:00:28,904 --> 00:00:29,613
- Absolutely.
19
00:00:29,905 --> 00:00:31,615
You guys remind me
of that bantering couple
20
00:00:31,907 --> 00:00:33,450
in that old movie, um...
21
00:00:33,742 --> 00:00:36,370
Meet the parents.
22
00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:40,290
- Oh, my, is it
yearbook time already?
23
00:00:40,582 --> 00:00:42,227
- The company has
acquired an up and coming
24
00:00:42,251 --> 00:00:43,961
social networking
site called YouFace,
25
00:00:44,253 --> 00:00:46,547
so each executive has to
set up their YouFace page.
26
00:00:46,838 --> 00:00:48,274
Now, this picture
will be my pholo...
27
00:00:48,298 --> 00:00:49,298
- Not a word.
28
00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,310
- Which is a contraction
for photo and hello.
29
00:00:51,385 --> 00:00:52,553
YouFace.
30
00:00:52,844 --> 00:00:54,179
Who are you facing?
31
00:00:54,471 --> 00:00:55,471
- [Chuckling] No one.
32
00:00:55,639 --> 00:00:57,891
Those sites are for horny
married chicks with kids
33
00:00:58,183 --> 00:00:59,463
who want to
exchange pervy emails
34
00:00:59,685 --> 00:01:01,165
with their old high
school boyfriends.
35
00:01:01,353 --> 00:01:02,747
- And since all your
high school boyfriends
36
00:01:02,771 --> 00:01:04,815
are now gay...
- Exactly.
37
00:01:05,107 --> 00:01:07,734
- So Lemon, what
can I do for you?
38
00:01:08,026 --> 00:01:09,379
- Do you want to exchange
Christmas presents this year?
39
00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:10,403
- [Gasps]
40
00:01:10,529 --> 00:01:11,947
- Uh, just, uh...
41
00:01:12,239 --> 00:01:13,239
I would love to.
- Great.
42
00:01:13,323 --> 00:01:15,450
So what do you want?
43
00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:16,451
- Excuse me?
44
00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:17,743
- Well, in my family,
45
00:01:17,869 --> 00:01:19,138
everybody just writes
down what they want
46
00:01:19,162 --> 00:01:19,788
and then we give
it to each other
47
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,480
and everybody has
a great Christmas.
48
00:01:21,707 --> 00:01:22,833
- Lemon, gift giving
49
00:01:23,125 --> 00:01:24,835
is the purest
expression of friendship.
50
00:01:25,127 --> 00:01:27,963
I'm going to think about
what I know and like about you
51
00:01:28,255 --> 00:01:29,482
and that will lead
me to the perfect gift,
52
00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:30,674
and you do the same.
53
00:01:30,966 --> 00:01:36,388
- So bath salts in a
coffee mug would be...
54
00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:39,349
Not it.
55
00:01:41,310 --> 00:01:43,604
[Exciting jazz music]
56
00:01:43,895 --> 00:01:51,895
♪
57
00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:02,622
- Thanks.
58
00:02:02,873 --> 00:02:04,113
- Hey, new guy, how's it going?
59
00:02:04,166 --> 00:02:05,166
- Well, I'm worried.
60
00:02:05,375 --> 00:02:06,394
I haven't been on the
show the last two weeks.
61
00:02:06,418 --> 00:02:07,461
- Good stuff.
62
00:02:07,753 --> 00:02:09,188
Listen, every Christmas, I
collect money from the staff
63
00:02:09,212 --> 00:02:10,481
and give it to the
cleaning ladies.
64
00:02:10,505 --> 00:02:11,745
- Yeah. Of course, count me in.
65
00:02:12,007 --> 00:02:13,007
- Great.
66
00:02:13,175 --> 00:02:14,455
Jenna, would you
care to chip in?
67
00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:16,136
- No, thank you.
68
00:02:16,428 --> 00:02:19,765
I'm doing my own
thing this year.
69
00:02:20,057 --> 00:02:21,266
- She does this every year.
70
00:02:21,558 --> 00:02:23,278
She doesn't give the
money because she knows
71
00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:25,637
that the card says, "from
the cast and writers of TGS,"
72
00:02:25,854 --> 00:02:27,314
and she'll get
credit for it anyway.
73
00:02:27,606 --> 00:02:28,916
I should make up
new cards that say,
74
00:02:28,940 --> 00:02:30,776
"happy holidays from
everyone except Jenna."
75
00:02:31,068 --> 00:02:32,444
But that would require me
76
00:02:32,736 --> 00:02:34,336
to have some remaining
life force, Danny.
77
00:02:34,363 --> 00:02:37,240
So I'm gonna go have a
drink alone at the oyster bar.
78
00:02:41,119 --> 00:02:42,454
- I've been finger
tagged, Lemon.
79
00:02:42,746 --> 00:02:44,186
- Was it down by
the subway entrance?
80
00:02:44,247 --> 00:02:46,007
'Cause I saw a
gangly-looking kid down there.
81
00:02:46,291 --> 00:02:47,769
- Finger tagged means
I have been contacted
82
00:02:47,793 --> 00:02:49,336
by someone else on YouFace.
83
00:02:49,628 --> 00:02:51,546
In this case, that would
be Nancy Donovan,
84
00:02:51,838 --> 00:02:54,508
the cutest girl at east
Sadchester high school,
85
00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:56,343
class of 1976.
86
00:02:56,635 --> 00:02:57,955
- That's the year
my mom was born.
87
00:02:58,178 --> 00:03:01,682
- Would you get us some pens?
88
00:03:01,973 --> 00:03:03,813
- See, I told you you'd
find an old girlfriend.
89
00:03:04,101 --> 00:03:05,421
- She wasn't my
girlfriend, Lemon,
90
00:03:05,477 --> 00:03:08,105
but I must admit,
Nancy Donovan was...
91
00:03:08,397 --> 00:03:09,397
My first crush.
92
00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:12,818
- My first crush
was Larry Wilcox.
93
00:03:13,110 --> 00:03:14,528
The blonde guy from chips?
94
00:03:14,820 --> 00:03:18,031
Bowl haircut, thin lips, hoo.
95
00:03:18,323 --> 00:03:20,117
- Uh, this wasn't a TV
crush. This was real.
96
00:03:20,409 --> 00:03:21,868
- Oh, mine got pretty real.
97
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:24,538
- Here's a woman I
haven't seen in 25 years.
98
00:03:24,830 --> 00:03:26,998
One day on YouFace
and she finds me,
99
00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:28,810
tells me that she's coming
down to pick up her sons
100
00:03:28,834 --> 00:03:31,420
at Fordham, and
she'd love to swing by.
101
00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:32,838
What does that mean?
102
00:03:33,130 --> 00:03:34,840
- Did she post you
public or pm you?
103
00:03:35,132 --> 00:03:37,217
- I don't know.
- Well, let's look at her page.
104
00:03:37,509 --> 00:03:39,219
- Oh... um...
105
00:03:39,511 --> 00:03:41,596
Www...
106
00:03:41,888 --> 00:03:42,888
- Got it.
107
00:03:43,098 --> 00:03:45,284
I'll check her face-vault to
see her previous bing-bings.
108
00:03:45,308 --> 00:03:47,769
- Is YouFace hyphenated?
- Huh.
109
00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:49,580
Six months ago, her status
said she was "married,"
110
00:03:49,604 --> 00:03:50,604
but 14 days ago,
111
00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:52,649
she changed it
to "working on it."
112
00:03:52,941 --> 00:03:54,109
- Really? May I see that?
113
00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:55,921
- Nope, do not put a
hyphen in YouFace.
114
00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:57,296
There are definitely faces here
115
00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:59,239
but they are not being
treated with respect.
116
00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:02,534
[Gasps] Ew.
117
00:04:02,826 --> 00:04:05,078
- [Panting]
118
00:04:05,370 --> 00:04:06,370
Kenneth.
119
00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:07,998
Bag of names.
120
00:04:08,290 --> 00:04:10,667
Secret Santa. Secret Santa!
121
00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:13,503
- Kenneth is doing his
secret Santa fun swap thing.
122
00:04:13,795 --> 00:04:14,421
- Ugh!
123
00:04:14,713 --> 00:04:16,232
He takes the two worst
parts of Christmas,
124
00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:18,967
giving and rules,
and combines them!
125
00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:20,778
- And then the person
with the highest number
126
00:04:20,802 --> 00:04:22,846
gives the smallest gift
to the tallest person.
127
00:04:23,138 --> 00:04:26,349
If they wanna switch,
they cannot, unless they do.
128
00:04:26,641 --> 00:04:28,351
Then everyone
puts their head down
129
00:04:28,643 --> 00:04:29,811
except the murderer.
130
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:31,354
Oh, wait, that's not right.
131
00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:32,665
- The whole thing
was so confusing
132
00:04:32,689 --> 00:04:35,150
I ended up getting my
own crappy gift back.
133
00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:38,320
Like I need two copies
of over 60 vixens.
134
00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:41,490
[Dramatic b-movie music]
135
00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:47,829
[Screaming]
136
00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:49,206
[Door slams]
137
00:04:49,498 --> 00:04:50,498
- Mr. Rossitano,
138
00:04:50,749 --> 00:04:52,959
would you like to
participate in our studio-wide
139
00:04:53,251 --> 00:04:54,586
secret Santa fun swap?
140
00:04:54,878 --> 00:04:57,214
- I totally would
do secret Santa,
141
00:04:57,506 --> 00:05:00,091
but I don't believe in Christmas
because I'm a Verdukian.
142
00:05:00,383 --> 00:05:03,303
- Yes, we are all
very strict verdukians.
143
00:05:03,595 --> 00:05:06,348
- Oh. My apologies.
144
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:07,784
I've never heard
of that religion.
145
00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:08,888
What do you all believe in?
146
00:05:08,934 --> 00:05:10,060
- Oh, many things.
147
00:05:10,352 --> 00:05:13,522
Uh, the healing
power of root beer...
148
00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:15,294
- That a man can
have up to nine wives
149
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,067
if two of them are male.
150
00:05:17,359 --> 00:05:19,444
- And we always leave
work to go to the movies
151
00:05:19,736 --> 00:05:20,362
on Merlinpeen.
152
00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:22,405
So good Merlinpeen
to you, Kenneth.
153
00:05:22,697 --> 00:05:24,699
- Good Merlinpeen.
154
00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:26,535
- Good Merlinpeen.
155
00:05:28,703 --> 00:05:30,703
- Vattene, what's this?
Is this a store Jack likes?
156
00:05:30,789 --> 00:05:32,249
- Unbelievable.
157
00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:34,381
Do you really think you
belong on Mr. Donaghy's
158
00:05:34,626 --> 00:05:35,626
personal gift list?
159
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:36,669
- Why not? We're friends.
160
00:05:36,795 --> 00:05:38,355
- He's the best gift
giver in the world.
161
00:05:38,630 --> 00:05:39,798
I tried once.
162
00:05:40,090 --> 00:05:42,843
I bought him a $95
bottle of olive oil.
163
00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:45,929
In return, he got my sister
out of a North Korean jail!
164
00:05:46,221 --> 00:05:48,473
- Oh, brother.
- You will never match him.
165
00:05:48,765 --> 00:05:51,476
And I'll be here next year
to take you off of that list.
166
00:05:51,768 --> 00:05:54,145
- Even if I get into
law school, I won't go!
167
00:05:54,437 --> 00:05:55,437
- All right.
[Door opens]
168
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:56,731
- Jonathan, would you...
169
00:05:57,023 --> 00:05:59,943
Oh, Lemon, come
in here for a minute.
170
00:06:00,235 --> 00:06:02,237
I want you to meet my
old friend, Nancy Donovan.
171
00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:03,965
- [Boston accent]
That's my maiden name.
172
00:06:03,989 --> 00:06:05,509
I keep tellin' ya.
Things have changed.
173
00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:08,201
But not your hair.
It's like a shag carpet.
174
00:06:08,493 --> 00:06:11,621
I wanna sit on it and
play a board game.
175
00:06:11,913 --> 00:06:12,913
Nice to meet ya.
176
00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:15,125
- Nice to meet you.
Is your family here?
177
00:06:15,417 --> 00:06:17,337
- Ah, just the boys. My
husband couldn't make it.
178
00:06:17,586 --> 00:06:18,795
- Husband couldn't make it.
179
00:06:19,087 --> 00:06:20,314
- Oh, I... I brought
something to show ya.
180
00:06:20,338 --> 00:06:23,008
It's, uh... it's goofy, I know.
181
00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:24,843
- [Gasps] Oh, my goodness.
182
00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:26,636
Hey, beantown.
183
00:06:26,928 --> 00:06:28,471
Hey, beantown was
the school musical
184
00:06:28,763 --> 00:06:29,763
Nancy and I were in.
185
00:06:29,806 --> 00:06:31,349
- I thought you
had Stage fright.
186
00:06:31,641 --> 00:06:33,393
- ♪ Hey, beantown
187
00:06:33,685 --> 00:06:34,394
♪ the puritans round you
188
00:06:34,686 --> 00:06:36,021
both: ♪ hey, beantown
189
00:06:36,313 --> 00:06:37,313
- ♪ water surrounds you
190
00:06:37,355 --> 00:06:38,982
♪ so let's watch
the Sox play ball ♪
191
00:06:39,274 --> 00:06:40,274
Both: ♪ play ball
192
00:06:40,525 --> 00:06:42,819
♪ at beantown, you got it all ♪
193
00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:44,529
- Whoo!
194
00:06:44,821 --> 00:06:46,573
Yeah, I did plays
in high school too.
195
00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:48,225
I was John proctor
in the crucible.
196
00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:49,803
- Oh, you went to
an all-girls' school?
197
00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:51,995
- No.
198
00:06:52,287 --> 00:06:53,327
- Jack played Paul revere.
199
00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:55,123
We were all jealous
of Lisa Alberson
200
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:58,376
'cause she got
to play his horse.
201
00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:00,170
- Well, nice to meet you.
202
00:07:00,462 --> 00:07:02,589
- Nice to meet ya.
203
00:07:02,881 --> 00:07:04,466
- He still owes me
$10. That's true.
204
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,509
- Yeah, he was
always a thief, that guy.
205
00:07:06,801 --> 00:07:08,195
- Remember those guys used
to hang out by the cash register?
206
00:07:08,219 --> 00:07:09,219
- Oh, I know. I remember.
207
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:10,629
- And mooch. He was a moocher.
208
00:07:14,476 --> 00:07:15,703
- What's with all the junk, Ken?
209
00:07:15,727 --> 00:07:17,145
- Well, these are
my all-inclusive
210
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:18,772
holiday decorations.
211
00:07:19,064 --> 00:07:20,082
Here's a little
Christmas tree...
212
00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:21,942
- Okay.
- A menorah.
213
00:07:22,233 --> 00:07:23,336
- Dig.
- A picture of President Obama.
214
00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:24,360
For the muslims.
215
00:07:24,486 --> 00:07:25,726
- I'm gonna let that one slide.
216
00:07:25,904 --> 00:07:26,947
- And a bowl of meat cubes
217
00:07:27,238 --> 00:07:29,366
with a picture of Jimmy
Connors sticking out
218
00:07:29,658 --> 00:07:31,493
in the tradition
of Verdukianism.
219
00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:33,828
- Verdukianism? That
doesn't make sense.
220
00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:35,205
Jimmy is catholic.
221
00:07:35,497 --> 00:07:38,083
- Ah. Good
Merlinpeen, gentlemen.
222
00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:39,709
All: Good Merlinpeen.
223
00:07:40,001 --> 00:07:42,003
- So you guys are verdukians?
224
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:44,047
- Yep. That's why we
can't do secret Santa.
225
00:07:44,339 --> 00:07:45,339
- Mm-hmm.
226
00:07:45,382 --> 00:07:47,300
Then sing that
Verdukian winter Carol.
227
00:07:47,592 --> 00:07:49,719
The famous one.
228
00:07:50,011 --> 00:07:55,600
- ♪Oh, meat bowl or Verduke
229
00:07:55,892 --> 00:07:59,938
♪ you bring me such
pizza - ♪ meatbowl
230
00:08:00,230 --> 00:08:02,399
- [laughs]
231
00:08:02,691 --> 00:08:04,067
Now a Christmas song.
232
00:08:04,359 --> 00:08:05,359
Oh, Mr. Baker.
233
00:08:05,402 --> 00:08:06,569
- Hmm?
[Clears throat]
234
00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:11,241
♪ Oh, holy night
235
00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:14,285
♪ the stars are
brightly shining ♪
236
00:08:14,577 --> 00:08:15,829
- What the whaaat?
237
00:08:16,121 --> 00:08:17,321
New dude is as good at singing
238
00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:19,332
as Tracy Jordan
is at everything!
239
00:08:19,624 --> 00:08:20,625
- Danny, was that you?
240
00:08:20,917 --> 00:08:21,543
Why didn't you tell me
you could sing like that?
241
00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:23,155
- I didn't think it
was important.
242
00:08:23,294 --> 00:08:24,294
- Not important?
243
00:08:24,546 --> 00:08:26,186
I had Tracy playing
Josh Groban last week.
244
00:08:26,381 --> 00:08:28,425
Come here. Listen up.
245
00:08:28,717 --> 00:08:29,259
Jenna's not singing
the Christmas solo
246
00:08:29,551 --> 00:08:31,011
on Friday's show, you are.
247
00:08:31,302 --> 00:08:32,302
- What? Why?
248
00:08:32,470 --> 00:08:34,305
- For the most
wonderful reason of all:
249
00:08:34,597 --> 00:08:36,474
Christmas vengeance.
250
00:08:36,766 --> 00:08:38,119
Jenna will finally be
punished for all the times
251
00:08:38,143 --> 00:08:39,370
I had to pay her
share of the money
252
00:08:39,394 --> 00:08:40,103
for the cleaning ladies.
253
00:08:40,395 --> 00:08:41,915
- No, I don't wanna
steal Jenna's solo.
254
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:43,815
That's not what the
holidays are about.
255
00:08:44,107 --> 00:08:45,747
Maybe Jenna and I
could do a duet instead.
256
00:08:45,775 --> 00:08:47,027
- [Stifling laughter]
257
00:08:47,318 --> 00:08:50,280
Yes. A duet.
258
00:08:50,572 --> 00:08:54,451
Share the Stage.
She will love that!
259
00:08:54,743 --> 00:08:56,619
- I'm sorry, are you
being sarcastic?
260
00:08:56,911 --> 00:08:58,305
Canadians have a
hard time recognizing it
261
00:08:58,329 --> 00:09:00,089
'cause we don't have
a big Jewish population.
262
00:09:00,248 --> 00:09:03,585
- I'm not being
sarcastic at all!
263
00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:05,336
- Okay. Great.
264
00:09:05,628 --> 00:09:06,629
Dude...
265
00:09:06,921 --> 00:09:08,423
- Merry Christmas,
Pete Hornberger.
266
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,385
- I can't believe
you're not married.
267
00:09:12,677 --> 00:09:14,679
I thought you'd have
some hotshot young wife
268
00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:17,849
with black hair who
says queer stuff like,
269
00:09:18,141 --> 00:09:19,184
"dressing on the side."
270
00:09:19,476 --> 00:09:21,236
- Well, I was married,
but people grow apart.
271
00:09:21,352 --> 00:09:22,729
- Was she a bitch
or did you cheat?
272
00:09:23,021 --> 00:09:25,106
- The former.
- The former?
273
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:27,150
What are you, a newscaster?
274
00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:29,002
Whatever happened
to your Boston accent?
275
00:09:29,194 --> 00:09:30,588
- [Boston accent] You're
a liar, Nancy Donovan.
276
00:09:30,612 --> 00:09:31,946
I never had a Boston accent.
277
00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:33,278
What about you, loudmouth?
278
00:09:33,531 --> 00:09:35,891
What southie piece of trash
did you trick into marrying you?
279
00:09:35,992 --> 00:09:37,952
- I'll have you know that
my husband happens to be
280
00:09:37,994 --> 00:09:41,706
a very prominent
Pakistani anesthesiologist.
281
00:09:41,998 --> 00:09:43,225
No, I'm kiddin' ya.
He's an Irish moron.
282
00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:44,375
Runs a roofing company.
283
00:09:44,667 --> 00:09:46,878
So if you need your roof
done, call someone else,
284
00:09:47,170 --> 00:09:49,089
because my guy's...
285
00:09:49,380 --> 00:09:51,883
Not reliable.
286
00:09:52,175 --> 00:09:53,402
- What do you say I
take you and the boys
287
00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:54,426
out to dinner?
288
00:09:54,636 --> 00:09:55,916
I know a lot of terrific places.
289
00:09:56,012 --> 00:09:57,012
- Uh, I don't know.
290
00:09:57,180 --> 00:09:58,824
They have their heart
set on the ESPN zone.
291
00:09:58,848 --> 00:10:00,568
They've been talking
about the Hideki Matsui
292
00:10:00,683 --> 00:10:02,393
caliente fajitas all week.
293
00:10:02,685 --> 00:10:04,604
- Well, let them go
to the ESPN zone
294
00:10:04,896 --> 00:10:06,216
and I'll take you
some place nice.
295
00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:08,983
- Yeah. Sure. Why not?
296
00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:12,320
I'm glad we, uh, never
made out in high school.
297
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,452
Otherwise this whole
thing would be so awkward.
298
00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:16,294
- Excuse me, we kissed
every night on Stage
299
00:10:16,491 --> 00:10:17,617
in hey, beantown.
300
00:10:17,909 --> 00:10:20,069
- Oh, that doesn't count.
There wasn't even any tongue.
301
00:10:20,328 --> 00:10:21,728
- But only because
my mother told me
302
00:10:21,830 --> 00:10:23,430
that French kissing
was for the Italians.
303
00:10:23,581 --> 00:10:25,375
- They do love it.
304
00:10:25,667 --> 00:10:27,307
How else do you think
I got Mr. Sorrentino
305
00:10:27,418 --> 00:10:30,630
to cast me as the
spirit of Liberty?
306
00:10:33,383 --> 00:10:35,260
- A duet? Really?
307
00:10:35,552 --> 00:10:36,719
I didn't know you sang.
308
00:10:37,011 --> 00:10:39,222
I mean, it's funny 'cause
it's kind of my thing.
309
00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:40,866
But next thing I know
you're gonna be telling me
310
00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:43,143
you're really blonde and
have a urinary tract infection.
311
00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:44,727
[Laughs loudly]
312
00:10:45,019 --> 00:10:47,063
- [Laughs]
313
00:10:47,355 --> 00:10:48,606
- Maybe I should hear you sing.
314
00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:50,316
That way I can
plan our harmonies.
315
00:10:50,608 --> 00:10:52,652
- ♪Oh, Danny boy
316
00:10:52,944 --> 00:10:53,945
♪ the pipes
317
00:10:54,237 --> 00:10:57,407
♪ the pipes are calling
318
00:10:57,699 --> 00:11:00,493
♪ from Glen to Glen
319
00:11:00,785 --> 00:11:04,622
♪ and down the mountainside
320
00:11:04,914 --> 00:11:06,194
I'm sorry, is your
nose bleeding?
321
00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:08,001
- Yes.
322
00:11:08,293 --> 00:11:10,211
Because I'm so happy for you.
323
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:12,255
It's definitely
not a rage stroke.
324
00:11:12,547 --> 00:11:13,923
- Oh. Great!
325
00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:16,092
- What's up, special k?
326
00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:17,427
Having a party?
327
00:11:17,719 --> 00:11:18,719
- Not me, sir.
328
00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:21,347
Tonight is the Verdukian
holiday of mouth pleasures.
329
00:11:21,639 --> 00:11:23,516
Misters Rossitano,
Spurlock, and Lutz
330
00:11:23,808 --> 00:11:25,018
must have free sausage pizza
331
00:11:25,310 --> 00:11:26,853
followed by some gentle flossing
332
00:11:27,145 --> 00:11:29,105
performed by a blonde virgin.
333
00:11:29,397 --> 00:11:32,025
- Your generosity is
being taken advantage of.
334
00:11:32,317 --> 00:11:32,859
- What do you mean?
335
00:11:33,151 --> 00:11:35,320
- Verdukianism. It's fake.
336
00:11:35,612 --> 00:11:36,696
Those dudes made it up
337
00:11:36,988 --> 00:11:38,628
because they didn't
wanna do secret Santa.
338
00:11:38,907 --> 00:11:41,201
- But they had all
these rules and rituals.
339
00:11:41,492 --> 00:11:43,203
- That's what
religion is, k-fed.
340
00:11:43,494 --> 00:11:46,289
Just a bunch of made-up
rules to manipulate people.
341
00:11:46,581 --> 00:11:49,250
Why don't catholics
eat meat on Fridays?
342
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:50,627
I'll tell you why.
343
00:11:50,919 --> 00:11:53,213
Because the pope
owns long John silver's.
344
00:11:53,504 --> 00:11:55,048
- Wait a minute,
are you saying that
345
00:11:55,340 --> 00:11:58,051
other religions are
made up by man too?
346
00:11:58,343 --> 00:11:59,343
- Uh-oh, Ken.
347
00:11:59,510 --> 00:12:01,488
We may have fallen into
the intellectual deep end here.
348
00:12:01,512 --> 00:12:03,765
And if you try to grab on
to me, we'll both drown.
349
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:06,017
- What if there's no god?
350
00:12:06,309 --> 00:12:08,186
- Okay, time to go.
351
00:12:08,478 --> 00:12:10,980
[Organ music]
352
00:12:11,272 --> 00:12:14,317
♪
353
00:12:14,609 --> 00:12:16,329
- So far, she's just
uploaded some pictures.
354
00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:19,739
- "My Christmas trip to
New York with the boys."
355
00:12:20,031 --> 00:12:21,574
Ice skating, sure.
356
00:12:21,866 --> 00:12:24,869
And Nancy cupping Burt
Reynolds' crotch at the wax museum.
357
00:12:25,161 --> 00:12:26,913
That finger touching
his moustache is me.
358
00:12:27,205 --> 00:12:30,041
Why did she crop me
out of all of these pictures?
359
00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:31,584
- No, it's good.
360
00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:33,479
If Nancy didn't care about
you, she'd leave you in.
361
00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:34,671
But she must feel weird about
362
00:12:34,963 --> 00:12:36,123
her husband seeing you there.
363
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:37,548
She feels weird in a good way.
364
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:39,926
- Weird in a good way. Huh.
365
00:12:40,218 --> 00:12:41,469
Like going to the gym drunk.
366
00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:42,762
- [Gasps]
367
00:12:43,054 --> 00:12:44,889
She changed her status
from "working on it"
368
00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:47,267
to "weirdsies."
369
00:12:47,558 --> 00:12:51,062
- O.M.F.G.
370
00:12:54,691 --> 00:12:56,276
- Is that maroon and Navy?
371
00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:57,567
Nerds!
372
00:12:57,652 --> 00:12:58,736
- Don't tell me, Lemon,
373
00:12:59,028 --> 00:13:00,780
you spent $500 on
a tie I already have
374
00:13:01,072 --> 00:13:02,907
at a store with a
no returns policy.
375
00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:04,450
- Oh, shark farts!
376
00:13:04,742 --> 00:13:06,995
- But this is my lucky tie.
377
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:09,047
And anyone who knows
me well would know that.
378
00:13:09,247 --> 00:13:11,374
And just like I know you
only wear that sweater
379
00:13:11,666 --> 00:13:13,352
when you're planning on
eating pasta with red sauce.
380
00:13:13,376 --> 00:13:15,128
- Nice haircut.
381
00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:16,700
- Let's level the playing field.
382
00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:19,215
How about the most we can
spend on each other's gifts
383
00:13:19,507 --> 00:13:20,717
is zero dollars?
384
00:13:21,009 --> 00:13:22,009
- Really?
385
00:13:22,176 --> 00:13:23,761
You want to exchange
creative gifts?
386
00:13:24,053 --> 00:13:25,053
Oh, well.
387
00:13:25,221 --> 00:13:26,740
You are the one that's
in trouble now, buddy,
388
00:13:26,764 --> 00:13:29,726
because creativity
to me is just like...
389
00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:33,229
It's like a bird,
like a friendly bird
390
00:13:33,521 --> 00:13:35,773
that embraces all...
391
00:13:36,065 --> 00:13:39,110
Ideas and just, like, shoots...
392
00:13:39,402 --> 00:13:40,987
Out of its eyes
all kinds of beauty.
393
00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:43,948
- Wow, Lemon, this is like
watching Hemingway write.
394
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:44,949
Mark Hemingway.
395
00:13:45,241 --> 00:13:46,284
- Yeah.
396
00:13:46,576 --> 00:13:47,678
Wait, why are you
wearing your lucky tie?
397
00:13:47,702 --> 00:13:50,246
- I'm having dinner
tonight with Nancy. Alone.
398
00:13:50,538 --> 00:13:52,665
She changed her
status to "weirdsies."
399
00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:54,877
- What are your expectations
here? She's married.
400
00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,502
Uh, I don't know, Lemon.
401
00:13:56,794 --> 00:13:57,794
Nancy's leaving tomorrow.
402
00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,273
Can't I just enjoy
this while it lasts?
403
00:13:59,297 --> 00:14:01,924
- That's what I said when
that hot dog vendor passed out,
404
00:14:02,216 --> 00:14:05,428
but made me go get help.
405
00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:09,223
- Hey!
406
00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:11,076
Did you hire this guy to
hide in my dressing room
407
00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:12,161
and punch me in the throat?
408
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:13,269
- No.
409
00:14:13,561 --> 00:14:15,271
- He's bigger than you said.
410
00:14:15,563 --> 00:14:16,683
May I still collect my kiss?
411
00:14:16,939 --> 00:14:19,359
- Vattene!
412
00:14:19,650 --> 00:14:21,319
- Why would you do that, Jenna?
413
00:14:21,611 --> 00:14:22,651
I thought we were buddies.
414
00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:23,905
- [Chuckles]
415
00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:25,797
You don't fool me
with your innocent act.
416
00:14:25,907 --> 00:14:27,992
First you force your
way into my solo...
417
00:14:28,284 --> 00:14:29,369
- I didn't force anything.
418
00:14:29,660 --> 00:14:30,888
Pete is the one that wanted
to take away your solo.
419
00:14:30,912 --> 00:14:31,912
- What? Why?
420
00:14:32,038 --> 00:14:33,664
- He's mad that
you don't chip in
421
00:14:33,956 --> 00:14:35,059
for the cleaning
lady's Christmas gifts.
422
00:14:35,083 --> 00:14:36,834
- Well, I'm doing my own thing.
423
00:14:37,126 --> 00:14:40,463
I got them this.
424
00:14:40,755 --> 00:14:42,048
The program from this year's
425
00:14:42,340 --> 00:14:44,634
Asian women in
television awards.
426
00:14:44,926 --> 00:14:48,763
Julie chen's energy
drink, Chenergize.
427
00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:50,807
A flipvideo.
428
00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:52,743
Wait, hang on, I didn't
know this was in here.
429
00:14:52,767 --> 00:14:54,567
- Wow, you really get
in the Christmas spirit.
430
00:14:54,769 --> 00:14:56,312
[Snaps fingers] Oh, my god.
431
00:14:56,604 --> 00:14:57,772
I just got sarcasm.
432
00:14:58,064 --> 00:14:59,649
- Fine.
433
00:14:59,941 --> 00:15:02,610
I'm terrible at Christmas
because I never had a nice one.
434
00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:04,755
Sometimes my mom would
take us to see Santa claus,
435
00:15:04,779 --> 00:15:05,822
but that's just because
436
00:15:06,114 --> 00:15:07,800
she suspected one of
them was my deadbeat dad.
437
00:15:07,824 --> 00:15:09,344
So I'd have to get
on every Santa's lap
438
00:15:09,575 --> 00:15:10,993
in the Bakersfield
area and scream,
439
00:15:11,285 --> 00:15:13,037
"you oughta be ashamed
of yourself, Travis!"
440
00:15:13,329 --> 00:15:15,957
- Oh, no, that's...
That sounds horrible.
441
00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:17,851
- And then I'd sing Carols
in the middle of sears
442
00:15:17,875 --> 00:15:20,002
just to create a distraction
while my mom shoplifted.
443
00:15:20,294 --> 00:15:23,047
And those few minutes
when I was singing Carols,
444
00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:25,508
that was the one part
of Christmas I liked.
445
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:29,387
And now you've taken
that away from me.
446
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:34,434
- Well, that went well.
447
00:15:34,725 --> 00:15:35,725
[Snaps fingers]
448
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:37,854
Oh, yes.
449
00:15:39,856 --> 00:15:42,191
- You're just a Kenny
Rogers doll now.
450
00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:46,571
- Something you wanna say?
451
00:15:46,863 --> 00:15:50,032
- We wanna do secret Santa! Yay!
452
00:15:50,324 --> 00:15:52,535
- Secret Santa
has been cancelled
453
00:15:52,827 --> 00:15:53,987
because I have lost my faith.
454
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:55,621
- But something's changed in us.
455
00:15:55,913 --> 00:15:57,707
It's... it's a
Christmas miracle.
456
00:15:57,999 --> 00:15:59,279
That certainly
proves god exists.
457
00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:01,836
- If god existed, then
he would punish you
458
00:16:02,128 --> 00:16:03,171
for what you did to me.
459
00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:06,132
And yet here you are unpunished.
460
00:16:06,424 --> 00:16:10,428
Ergo, our actions
have no consequences.
461
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:11,971
So if you'll excuse me,
462
00:16:12,263 --> 00:16:14,891
I'm gonna go buy
some guitar music.
463
00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:21,415
- Hey, what was the name
of that abandoned factory
464
00:16:21,439 --> 00:16:23,816
where we used to go
shoot BB guns at rats?
465
00:16:24,108 --> 00:16:25,109
- Wolford cap and gown.
466
00:16:25,401 --> 00:16:27,028
- Of course. Is
that still there?
467
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:29,906
- No, they tore it down
and put up a big playground.
468
00:16:30,198 --> 00:16:32,783
- Oh, what a shame.
- Yeah.
469
00:16:33,075 --> 00:16:35,620
- So, uh, can I buy
you a nightcap?
470
00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:37,580
- Better not.
471
00:16:37,872 --> 00:16:40,124
We have an early train
back to Boston tomorrow.
472
00:16:40,416 --> 00:16:41,083
And you know how hard it is
473
00:16:41,375 --> 00:16:43,055
to get teenagers out
of bed in the mornin'.
474
00:16:43,085 --> 00:16:45,463
- Yes, but not in the
way you're talking about.
475
00:16:45,755 --> 00:16:47,757
[Both chuckle]
476
00:16:48,049 --> 00:16:49,329
- It was great to see you, Jack.
477
00:16:49,467 --> 00:16:51,594
I'll, uh... I'll hit
ya on YouFace.
478
00:16:51,886 --> 00:16:53,726
But you gotta promise
me to finger tag me back.
479
00:16:53,971 --> 00:16:57,016
- I'd like nothing more.
480
00:17:07,777 --> 00:17:10,279
[Car horns honking]
481
00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:11,906
- What is this?
482
00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:14,742
- This is your zero
dollars present.
483
00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:18,996
♪ Doo doo-doo-doo,
doo-doo, my friend is Jack ♪
484
00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:21,582
♪ ir you like his necktie,
Pat him on the back ♪
485
00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:23,626
Nope. Never mind.
Not your present.
486
00:17:23,918 --> 00:17:26,587
- Uh, no, please. Don't go.
487
00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:28,673
Uh, I'm sorry that I
wasn't even able to
488
00:17:28,965 --> 00:17:31,509
feign interest in
whatever that was.
489
00:17:31,801 --> 00:17:33,803
[Uncorks bottle]
490
00:17:34,095 --> 00:17:35,095
Nancy left this morning.
491
00:17:35,221 --> 00:17:37,306
She'll be on the 12:10
out of Penn station.
492
00:17:37,598 --> 00:17:40,810
Do you ever wonder, Lemon,
what your life would be like
493
00:17:41,102 --> 00:17:42,895
if you had never
left your hometown?
494
00:17:43,187 --> 00:17:44,188
- Oh, of course.
495
00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:46,083
Have you not read
my terrible short story,
496
00:17:46,107 --> 00:17:47,858
the two paths of Virginia apple?
497
00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:49,860
- I spent my whole life
498
00:17:50,152 --> 00:17:51,472
trying to erase
where I came from.
499
00:17:51,529 --> 00:17:54,115
But after these
moments with Nancy,
500
00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:56,867
for the first time in my life,
501
00:17:57,159 --> 00:17:58,452
I'm homesick.
502
00:17:58,744 --> 00:18:00,144
- Well, you'll stay
in touch, right?
503
00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:01,581
- I don't know.
504
00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:04,834
Nancy's going back
to her husband, her life.
505
00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:06,627
I think this was just
a moment in time
506
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:09,463
and I just wish it had
lasted a little bit longer.
507
00:18:12,550 --> 00:18:14,468
- Okay, well.
508
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:18,431
I'm gonna go work
on your real gift.
509
00:18:18,723 --> 00:18:21,767
You know what would go
real nice on that wall over there:
510
00:18:22,059 --> 00:18:23,811
A drawing of a frog.
511
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:25,605
- No.
- No.
512
00:18:25,896 --> 00:18:26,606
- [Silently] No.
513
00:18:26,897 --> 00:18:30,192
- Back in five, four,
514
00:18:30,484 --> 00:18:33,613
three, two...
515
00:18:33,904 --> 00:18:37,408
[Piano music]
516
00:18:37,700 --> 00:18:39,452
- ♪ Frosted window panes
517
00:18:39,744 --> 00:18:41,662
♪ candles gleaming inside
518
00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:46,042
♪ painted candy
canes on the tree ♪
519
00:18:46,334 --> 00:18:48,753
- [Off key] ♪ Santa's on his way
520
00:18:49,045 --> 00:18:52,423
♪ he's filled his
sleigh with things ♪
521
00:18:52,715 --> 00:18:55,259
♪ things for you and me
522
00:18:55,551 --> 00:18:57,011
- ♪ it's that time or year
523
00:18:57,303 --> 00:18:59,430
♪ when the world ralls in love ♪
524
00:18:59,722 --> 00:19:03,267
- ♪ every song you
hear seems to say ♪
525
00:19:03,559 --> 00:19:05,895
Both: ♪merry Christmas
526
00:19:06,187 --> 00:19:11,734
♪ may your new year's
dreams come true ♪
527
00:19:12,026 --> 00:19:17,448
♪
528
00:19:17,740 --> 00:19:19,033
- Hey, Jack.
529
00:19:19,325 --> 00:19:20,576
My train got cancelled.
530
00:19:20,868 --> 00:19:22,108
I spent all day at Penn station
531
00:19:22,244 --> 00:19:23,454
trying to get out.
532
00:19:23,746 --> 00:19:25,226
Figured I should
finally take the hint
533
00:19:25,456 --> 00:19:26,536
and meet ya for that drink.
534
00:19:26,791 --> 00:19:30,336
- Well, I'm glad you came back.
535
00:19:30,628 --> 00:19:33,923
- And I figured I owed
you a kiss good-bye.
536
00:19:34,215 --> 00:19:35,925
I mean, what's the big deal?
537
00:19:36,217 --> 00:19:37,737
We did it every night
in hey, beantown.
538
00:19:37,802 --> 00:19:41,180
We'll just do it
high school style.
539
00:19:41,472 --> 00:19:43,849
No tongue.
540
00:19:53,484 --> 00:19:55,528
- ♪And this song or mine
541
00:19:55,820 --> 00:19:57,363
- ♪[oft-key] In
three-quarter time ♪
542
00:19:57,655 --> 00:20:00,324
- ♪wishes you and yours
543
00:20:00,616 --> 00:20:03,327
both: ♪the same thing too
544
00:20:03,619 --> 00:20:07,790
- merry Christmas, Lemon.
545
00:20:11,627 --> 00:20:14,130
- The gender blind crucible.
546
00:20:14,422 --> 00:20:16,006
- Framed in wood from the Stage
547
00:20:16,298 --> 00:20:17,359
of your high school theater.
548
00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:19,135
Jonathan had to drive
all over Pennsylvania
549
00:20:19,427 --> 00:20:21,429
and I did not
reimburse him for gas.
550
00:20:21,721 --> 00:20:22,722
Zero dollars.
551
00:20:23,013 --> 00:20:24,682
- Thank you, Jack.
That's amazing.
552
00:20:24,974 --> 00:20:26,334
- And don't worry
about my present.
553
00:20:26,392 --> 00:20:27,577
I already got the
greatest Christmas gift
554
00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:28,601
you could imagine.
555
00:20:28,811 --> 00:20:30,688
Nancy came back to say good-bye.
556
00:20:30,980 --> 00:20:32,022
Her train was cancelled.
557
00:20:32,314 --> 00:20:33,954
- Because somebody
called in a bomb threat
558
00:20:34,150 --> 00:20:35,234
to Penn station?
559
00:20:35,526 --> 00:20:36,569
You're welcome.
560
00:20:36,861 --> 00:20:39,238
Merry Christmas.
561
00:20:42,658 --> 00:20:43,885
- All right, which one of
you are Frank Rossitano
562
00:20:43,909 --> 00:20:44,909
and James Spurlock?
563
00:20:45,119 --> 00:20:46,138
- That's us.
- They are we.
564
00:20:46,162 --> 00:20:48,122
- You're under arrest.
- What did we do?
565
00:20:48,414 --> 00:20:49,832
- Someone called
in a bomb threat
566
00:20:50,124 --> 00:20:51,625
from your phone this morning.
567
00:20:51,917 --> 00:20:53,461
- I renounce Verdukianism!
568
00:20:53,753 --> 00:20:54,795
- What's that mean?
569
00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:57,256
Are you Al qaeda?
Come here, pal!
570
00:20:57,548 --> 00:20:58,674
- [Hollering]
571
00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:00,134
[Wailing]
572
00:21:00,426 --> 00:21:02,887
- [Screaming] Watch the head!
573
00:21:03,179 --> 00:21:05,890
- My angry god
is punishing them.
574
00:21:06,182 --> 00:21:08,058
It's a Christmas miracle.
575
00:21:08,350 --> 00:21:10,436
- ♪And this song or mine
576
00:21:10,728 --> 00:21:12,480
♪ in three-quarter time
577
00:21:12,772 --> 00:21:15,024
both: ♪wishes you and yours
578
00:21:15,316 --> 00:21:19,195
- [in tune] ♪ the same thing too
579
00:21:19,487 --> 00:21:24,033
both: ♪merry Christmas to you ♪
580
00:21:34,335 --> 00:21:35,419
- Are you Larry Wilcox?
581
00:21:35,711 --> 00:21:36,128
- Yes, ma'am.
582
00:21:36,420 --> 00:21:37,700
This evening, you
have permission
583
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:39,882
to call me officer John Baker.
584
00:21:40,174 --> 00:21:43,469
Oh, but, uh, no sex stuff
and no touching my gun.
585
00:21:43,761 --> 00:21:45,513
- Of course, yeah.
586
00:21:45,805 --> 00:21:49,099
- Merry Christmas, Lemon.
587
00:21:49,391 --> 00:21:51,268
- Okay.
588
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:52,560
Hee hee hee!
589
00:21:52,686 --> 00:21:54,688
Wait, how is this zero dollars?
590
00:21:54,980 --> 00:21:57,399
- Well, he promised to get
me on dancing with the stars.
591
00:21:57,691 --> 00:22:00,945
- But that's on ABC.
592
00:22:01,237 --> 00:22:02,988
- Donaghy!
42156
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