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1
00:00:02,628 --> 00:00:05,422
- And side. Excellent.
Keep those cores strong.
2
00:00:05,714 --> 00:00:07,591
Three, two, let's take
it overhead on one...
3
00:00:07,883 --> 00:00:10,302
- [Snoring]
4
00:00:10,594 --> 00:00:12,221
- [Knocks]
5
00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:14,473
This is a classic, pre-war
6
00:00:14,765 --> 00:00:15,765
one-bedroom, one-bath...
7
00:00:15,974 --> 00:00:16,975
- what?
8
00:00:17,267 --> 00:00:19,853
- Oh. The cleaning lady's here.
9
00:00:20,145 --> 00:00:21,605
Please come back
later. No Polish.
10
00:00:21,897 --> 00:00:23,440
- I live here.
What're you doing?
11
00:00:23,732 --> 00:00:26,026
- Oh. Haven't you heard?
The building's going condo.
12
00:00:26,318 --> 00:00:28,946
If you're planning on buying,
I'm Wendy. We should talk.
13
00:00:29,238 --> 00:00:31,438
- Well, I'm not buying, and
they can't just kick me out.
14
00:00:31,698 --> 00:00:34,034
- No, they can't, but
they can hike your rent up.
15
00:00:34,326 --> 00:00:36,245
Way up.
16
00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:37,657
Let me show you the bedroom.
17
00:00:37,704 --> 00:00:38,806
- Jack will tell you
what to do next.
18
00:00:38,830 --> 00:00:39,540
- What?
19
00:00:39,831 --> 00:00:40,831
- Thanks, Cindy.
20
00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:45,170
All right, now we're
gonna work those glutes.
21
00:00:47,673 --> 00:00:48,673
- [Knocks]
22
00:00:48,757 --> 00:00:50,133
Hey, do you have a minute?
23
00:00:50,425 --> 00:00:51,778
- Good god, Lemon,
have you seen this?
24
00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:54,680
As I'm sure you've
concluded from the headline,
25
00:00:54,972 --> 00:00:56,252
Don Geiss's
estranged son Bertram
26
00:00:56,515 --> 00:00:57,715
is suing his half-sister Kathy
27
00:00:57,975 --> 00:00:59,655
for control of the
Geiss family trust fund.
28
00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:02,980
- They could've done,
"Geiss screams, son pay!"
29
00:01:03,272 --> 00:01:05,482
You know, like,
ice cream sundae.
30
00:01:05,774 --> 00:01:07,985
- This makes me sick
to my stomach, Lemon.
31
00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:11,655
Don Geiss is my hero,
my mentor, a great man.
32
00:01:11,947 --> 00:01:13,633
Holding up one finger to
get someone to stop talking...
33
00:01:13,657 --> 00:01:14,657
He invented that.
34
00:01:14,700 --> 00:01:15,242
- I don't think...
- And now...
35
00:01:15,534 --> 00:01:18,579
He's being publicly
humiliated by his own family.
36
00:01:18,870 --> 00:01:21,164
This is why I'm glad
I never had children,
37
00:01:21,456 --> 00:01:22,541
and why I never will.
38
00:01:22,833 --> 00:01:24,293
- Oh, Jack, you don't mean that.
39
00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:27,045
- Geiss also invented the
abrupt conversational Segway.
40
00:01:27,337 --> 00:01:28,422
Talk about your thing now.
41
00:01:28,714 --> 00:01:32,426
- Okay, well, um, my
building is going condo.
42
00:01:32,718 --> 00:01:33,427
- And they're trying to
drive the renters out?
43
00:01:33,719 --> 00:01:34,904
Are you going to buy your place?
44
00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:36,948
- Well, I love my building,
but if I'm gonna buy a place
45
00:01:36,972 --> 00:01:39,516
it should be a big place
where I can have a family.
46
00:01:39,808 --> 00:01:41,536
- Then spend some of
your dealbreakers money.
47
00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:42,269
Buy two apartments.
48
00:01:42,561 --> 00:01:43,561
- What?
49
00:01:43,812 --> 00:01:45,039
- You know why
my place is so big?
50
00:01:45,063 --> 00:01:47,543
When I was first married to my
ex-wife we were in the basement.
51
00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:49,488
Over the years I kept
buying the floors above me
52
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:50,878
to make room for the
family I thought we'd have.
53
00:01:50,902 --> 00:01:53,363
Well, now I have something
better than a family.
54
00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:55,365
A walk-in humidor, a lap pool,
55
00:01:55,657 --> 00:01:58,368
and a replica of the Irish pub
where my grandmother was born.
56
00:01:58,660 --> 00:02:00,912
- Well, I'm not rich, Jack.
- You're doing okay.
57
00:02:01,204 --> 00:02:02,640
And this could be
your dream apartment.
58
00:02:02,664 --> 00:02:04,291
Sniff around your
upstairs neighbor,
59
00:02:04,583 --> 00:02:06,168
see if he's planning to leave.
60
00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:07,687
If he's not, make him
an offer he can't refuse.
61
00:02:07,711 --> 00:02:10,380
Trademark 1974, Don Geiss.
62
00:02:10,672 --> 00:02:12,382
- What, like, bribe him?
63
00:02:12,674 --> 00:02:13,717
- I know this sounds ugly,
64
00:02:14,009 --> 00:02:15,486
but with Manhattan real
estate there are no rules.
65
00:02:15,510 --> 00:02:19,014
It's like check-in
at an Italian airport.
66
00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:21,892
[Exciting jazz music]
67
00:02:22,184 --> 00:02:30,150
♪ ♪
68
00:02:41,703 --> 00:02:44,081
- [Gasps]
69
00:02:44,373 --> 00:02:47,292
Oh, my god! Frank!
70
00:02:47,584 --> 00:02:48,728
Were you gonna pee in that jar?
71
00:02:48,752 --> 00:02:50,087
- I didn't know anyone was here.
72
00:02:50,379 --> 00:02:52,631
- That's what you
use the jars for?
73
00:02:52,923 --> 00:02:54,299
You told me that was sun tea.
74
00:02:54,591 --> 00:02:57,552
- Some of them are sun tea,
75
00:02:57,844 --> 00:03:00,597
and some of them were sun tea.
76
00:03:00,889 --> 00:03:02,432
- Ugh...
77
00:03:02,724 --> 00:03:04,267
Do you know about this?
78
00:03:04,559 --> 00:03:06,144
- We have a
gentleman's agreement.
79
00:03:06,436 --> 00:03:09,314
He gets the jars, and
in return he's agreed
80
00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:12,442
to let a Yale sweatshirt be
our designated fart dampener.
81
00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:14,361
- What is wrong with you guys?
82
00:03:14,653 --> 00:03:18,073
What would it be like if Cerie
and Sue and I were not here?
83
00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:19,550
- We'd have a room
dog named Meatus.
84
00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:20,117
- I'd take my pants off
and eat chicken wings.
85
00:03:20,409 --> 00:03:26,248
- Shut it down.
Throw away the jars.
86
00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:27,892
- Fine, but I'm
gonna recycle them,
87
00:03:27,916 --> 00:03:29,686
and then one day as you
drink some apple juice,
88
00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:31,378
you'll wonder, "where
has this jar been?"
89
00:03:31,670 --> 00:03:35,048
- I will fight my sister tooth
and nail to get what I deserve
90
00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:39,469
because I, Bertram Geiss,
am still daddy's fancy boy.
91
00:03:39,761 --> 00:03:40,971
- After the deposition,
92
00:03:41,263 --> 00:03:43,432
Kathy Geiss's lawyer
offered this rebuttal.
93
00:03:43,724 --> 00:03:49,312
- My name is Teddy Ruxpin.
Can you and I be friends?
94
00:03:49,604 --> 00:03:51,148
- Mr. Donaghy, you
wanted to see me?
95
00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:52,149
- Kenneth, I have
a task for you.
96
00:03:52,441 --> 00:03:53,441
- Is it menial?
97
00:03:53,525 --> 00:03:55,527
- As part of NBC's annual
green week initiative,
98
00:03:55,819 --> 00:03:57,738
TGS has to reduce
its carbon footprint.
99
00:03:58,029 --> 00:03:59,629
I'm putting you in
charge of that effort.
100
00:03:59,823 --> 00:04:02,075
- Global warming, sir?
101
00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:04,494
I'm sorry, that's just a
bunch of scientist talk.
102
00:04:04,786 --> 00:04:06,204
Same people who'd
have you believe
103
00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:08,999
that my great-grandfather
was a monkey.
104
00:04:09,291 --> 00:04:12,252
If he was a monkey, then
why was he killed by a monkey?
105
00:04:12,544 --> 00:04:14,337
- You're preaching
to the choir, Kenneth.
106
00:04:14,629 --> 00:04:15,629
I mean, I love the earth.
107
00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:17,174
I have these rare
Kadupul blossoms
108
00:04:17,466 --> 00:04:20,093
flown in every morning from
Sri Lanka on a private jet.
109
00:04:20,385 --> 00:04:21,385
[Sniffs]
110
00:04:21,470 --> 00:04:22,710
That's the definition of green.
111
00:04:22,888 --> 00:04:24,168
And yet they force
us to do more.
112
00:04:24,222 --> 00:04:27,350
More sacrifices.
Why? For the children.
113
00:04:27,642 --> 00:04:29,102
What have children
ever done for us?
114
00:04:29,394 --> 00:04:32,022
- Well, they make
our shoes and wallets.
115
00:04:32,314 --> 00:04:36,359
- I need a 5% reduction of
energy use across the board.
116
00:04:36,651 --> 00:04:37,754
- I'll do it if you insist, sir.
117
00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:43,325
But I'm gonna be grumpy
until the end of this sentence.
118
00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:55,378
- Hi, I'm Liz, and I
live right below you.
119
00:04:55,670 --> 00:05:00,217
- Oh, my god. I'm
Brian. Come in.
120
00:05:00,509 --> 00:05:02,219
- Wow, this place is great.
121
00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:03,220
- Isn't it?
122
00:05:03,512 --> 00:05:05,388
New kitchen, original molding,
123
00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:08,391
and I have a view because that
dentist blew up his townhouse.
124
00:05:08,683 --> 00:05:10,310
So... you gonna try and bribe me
125
00:05:10,602 --> 00:05:12,604
like the rest of these
yuppie bottom feeders?
126
00:05:12,896 --> 00:05:16,650
- What? No. Bribe?
People do that?
127
00:05:16,942 --> 00:05:18,142
- Yeah, well, the guy above me
128
00:05:18,401 --> 00:05:20,320
offered me ten
grand to move out.
129
00:05:20,612 --> 00:05:22,113
- That's a lot.
130
00:05:22,405 --> 00:05:23,405
- It's obscene.
131
00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:24,866
This neighborhood
used to be real.
132
00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:28,161
Now it's all chain stores
and fancy restaurants.
133
00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:30,705
- Yeah, we cool people
got to hold our ground.
134
00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:32,958
Fight the man. Michael
Moore, et cetera.
135
00:05:33,250 --> 00:05:34,668
Is that a working fireplace?
136
00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:36,586
- Yeah, but it's
kind of annoying.
137
00:05:36,878 --> 00:05:37,878
I can't shut the flue,
138
00:05:37,963 --> 00:05:40,632
so the apartment smells
like Burger King all day
139
00:05:40,924 --> 00:05:43,802
and cinnabon all night.
140
00:05:44,094 --> 00:05:46,930
- Yeah, I just came up here
to make sure you're staying.
141
00:05:47,222 --> 00:05:50,016
Ruining things for those
creeps who are trying
142
00:05:50,308 --> 00:05:53,687
to make duplexes for
their imaginary children,
143
00:05:53,979 --> 00:05:57,023
and their imaginary husband,
astronaut Mike Dexter.
144
00:05:57,315 --> 00:05:58,733
- So what's your plan?
145
00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:03,864
- I don't know. Just figure
something out, I guess.
146
00:06:04,155 --> 00:06:06,074
- Look, what if we team up?
147
00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:07,450
- What do you mean?
148
00:06:07,742 --> 00:06:09,302
- I can't afford to
stay here on my own,
149
00:06:09,327 --> 00:06:11,371
and based on your
shoes and teeth,
150
00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:12,807
I'm guessing you can't either,
151
00:06:12,831 --> 00:06:14,583
so why don't we
move in together?
152
00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:16,501
- Uh-huh.
153
00:06:16,793 --> 00:06:17,895
- I mean, you'd have
to give up your place
154
00:06:17,919 --> 00:06:18,938
'cause this is the two-bedroom.
155
00:06:18,962 --> 00:06:20,672
- There's two of them?
156
00:06:20,964 --> 00:06:22,382
Oh!
- Is that bad?
157
00:06:22,674 --> 00:06:23,674
Oh, god.
158
00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:28,597
- So now you're your
own upstairs neighbor.
159
00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:29,931
What's the plan?
160
00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:32,103
- Well, I'm gonna pretend
to move in with Brian,
161
00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:33,435
somehow drive him out,
162
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:35,647
then buy both places and
make my dream apartment.
163
00:06:35,687 --> 00:06:36,980
- Wow.
164
00:06:37,272 --> 00:06:39,774
That sounds like something
I'd come up with if I was smarter.
165
00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:41,568
- I know, I'm terrible.
166
00:06:41,860 --> 00:06:43,028
But Brian sucks.
167
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:45,131
He doesn't have a TV and
he wears political t-shirts.
168
00:06:45,155 --> 00:06:46,656
- Don't feel guilty
for a second.
169
00:06:46,948 --> 00:06:48,148
This is Manhattan real estate.
170
00:06:48,325 --> 00:06:48,909
There are no rules.
171
00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:50,827
Like check-in at
an Italian sex party.
172
00:06:51,119 --> 00:06:52,239
I mean, do you know how long
173
00:06:52,370 --> 00:06:52,913
I've been waiting
for the lady next door
174
00:06:53,204 --> 00:06:54,623
to finally join her
husband in hell?
175
00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:56,917
Hello, Mrs. Gerstein.
176
00:06:57,208 --> 00:06:58,710
- Oh, my heart...
177
00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:02,547
Is getting stronger every day.
178
00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:04,716
- Oh, you ancient bitch!
179
00:07:05,008 --> 00:07:06,648
But you've already
got a foot in the door.
180
00:07:06,843 --> 00:07:07,963
Here's what you're gonna do.
181
00:07:08,178 --> 00:07:08,887
Do you remember
that horrible roommate
182
00:07:09,179 --> 00:07:09,596
you had back in Chicago?
183
00:07:09,888 --> 00:07:11,097
- You mean you?
184
00:07:11,389 --> 00:07:13,058
- I know it's my
turn to do the dishes,
185
00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:14,684
but I'm in character,
186
00:07:14,976 --> 00:07:19,898
and if you make me do
the dishes I will kill myself!
187
00:07:20,190 --> 00:07:22,209
- You drove a lot of guys
out of that third bedroom.
188
00:07:22,233 --> 00:07:23,944
- Because guys hate drama.
189
00:07:24,235 --> 00:07:26,696
And I'm gonna teach you
how to be a drama queen.
190
00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:27,988
And if I fail,
191
00:07:28,239 --> 00:07:32,869
I'm gonna take a bunch of
pills, and it's gonna be your fault!
192
00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:36,122
Still got it.
193
00:07:38,875 --> 00:07:40,061
- Lemon, I just
want to make sure
194
00:07:40,085 --> 00:07:41,395
you're not making any jokes
about Don Geiss this week.
195
00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:42,128
- Don't worry, Jack.
196
00:07:42,420 --> 00:07:43,630
Our topical cold open is about
197
00:07:43,922 --> 00:07:47,759
Omarosa borrowing
Bjork's swan dress.
198
00:07:48,051 --> 00:07:49,051
Tracy.
199
00:07:49,260 --> 00:07:51,012
- What's up, Donaghy?
200
00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:53,139
- Tracy Jr., to what
do we owe this visit?
201
00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:56,017
- It's "take your
black kid to work day."
202
00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:58,478
- [Quietly] Do you ever
regret having children?
203
00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:00,105
- Every day.
204
00:08:00,397 --> 00:08:03,400
I thought having a family was
gonna be like the Cosby show.
205
00:08:03,692 --> 00:08:05,402
Oh, no, Vanessa
went to a concert!
206
00:08:05,694 --> 00:08:08,863
Oh, no, Rudy and I are making
a sandwich for 25 minutes!
207
00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:10,573
The Cosby show was a lie.
208
00:08:10,865 --> 00:08:12,134
Having a family
can be the worst.
209
00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:14,911
For example, I have
this strip club story
210
00:08:15,203 --> 00:08:17,043
from this weekend I
need to tell you, Jackie D.
211
00:08:17,122 --> 00:08:19,833
It is disgusting.
212
00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:22,627
But I can't because I
got this little d-bag, here.
213
00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:23,628
- I know what that means.
214
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:24,546
- And yet you won't tell me.
215
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:26,840
- I've been thinking a
lot about family lately,
216
00:08:27,132 --> 00:08:27,674
about my legacy.
217
00:08:27,966 --> 00:08:30,010
I've been watching a
friend go through an ordeal
218
00:08:30,301 --> 00:08:31,821
with his children, and
it has only affirmed
219
00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:33,972
that I was not meant
to have any of my own
220
00:08:34,264 --> 00:08:34,973
and that I never will.
221
00:08:35,265 --> 00:08:36,725
- It's not that simple.
222
00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:38,285
Now, what if a
girl tries to trap you
223
00:08:38,309 --> 00:08:40,520
like Nicole tried to do
me on the band trip?
224
00:08:40,812 --> 00:08:43,356
Bitches can be tricky.
225
00:08:43,648 --> 00:08:45,126
I'm going to get
some strawberry milk.
226
00:08:45,150 --> 00:08:46,150
- Tracy Jr.'s right.
227
00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:49,571
There's only one way to
really take children off the table.
228
00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:51,948
I'm going to get a vasectomy.
229
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:54,868
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. I mean, that's a big decision!
230
00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:58,371
Having a family is also
the best thing a man could...
231
00:08:58,663 --> 00:08:59,663
He's gone.
232
00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:00,373
So my story.
233
00:09:00,665 --> 00:09:01,332
So I'm in the strip club
234
00:09:01,624 --> 00:09:02,935
with Charles barkley
and one of the hobbits.
235
00:09:02,959 --> 00:09:03,460
- Hey, daddy.
236
00:09:03,752 --> 00:09:05,503
- Damn it! I
can't live like this!
237
00:09:05,795 --> 00:09:08,381
I'm getting a vasectomy too!
238
00:09:08,673 --> 00:09:10,884
- [Knocks] Excuse
me, miss Maroney.
239
00:09:11,176 --> 00:09:13,386
- Kenneth, I'm doing my
kegels right now. What is it?
240
00:09:13,678 --> 00:09:14,918
- Well, I've been put in charge
241
00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:16,323
of reducing TGS's
carbon footprint.
242
00:09:16,347 --> 00:09:17,467
And everyone has to chip in.
243
00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:19,392
- Kenneth, I once took
a low-volume shower
244
00:09:19,684 --> 00:09:20,684
with ed begley Jr.
245
00:09:20,935 --> 00:09:21,935
What more can I do?
246
00:09:22,145 --> 00:09:22,604
- Well, let's see.
247
00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:26,691
Minka Kelly says, "my
show is about football.
248
00:09:26,983 --> 00:09:28,627
"There's a football
team called the chargers.
249
00:09:28,651 --> 00:09:29,651
Unplug your chargers."
250
00:09:29,778 --> 00:09:31,696
- But Kenneth, I
need all of these.
251
00:09:31,988 --> 00:09:34,148
This one's for my cell
phone, this one's for my laptop,
252
00:09:34,324 --> 00:09:36,534
this one's for my
erotic massager,
253
00:09:36,826 --> 00:09:41,331
and this one's for
something personal.
254
00:09:41,623 --> 00:09:42,623
[Sighs]
255
00:09:42,874 --> 00:09:44,709
- A vasectomy is a
very serious decision.
256
00:09:45,001 --> 00:09:47,420
I want to make sure you've
both thought this through.
257
00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:48,992
- I have, I've thought about it,
258
00:09:49,172 --> 00:09:49,756
and I've decided that I
don't want to have children.
259
00:09:50,048 --> 00:09:53,384
- Family planning. And
what about you, Tracy?
260
00:09:53,676 --> 00:09:54,803
- The Cosby show lied to me.
261
00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:58,431
- [Laughs] I don't think there's
a box for that on the form.
262
00:09:58,723 --> 00:10:00,850
Uh, what about
"cheers lied to me"?
263
00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:02,393
Okay.
264
00:10:02,685 --> 00:10:04,121
Now, for the procedure
you can choose
265
00:10:04,145 --> 00:10:06,564
between local or
general anesthesia.
266
00:10:06,856 --> 00:10:07,565
I should warn you
that general anesthesia
267
00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:09,901
can cause powerful
hallucinations.
268
00:10:10,193 --> 00:10:11,778
So I highly recommend it.
269
00:10:12,070 --> 00:10:14,531
I'll schedule both of
you for the morning.
270
00:10:14,823 --> 00:10:17,218
Now, this is surgery, so don't
eat anything before you come in,
271
00:10:17,242 --> 00:10:20,870
because I'll have a big
breakfast waiting for you.
272
00:10:21,162 --> 00:10:22,181
Until tomorrow, gentlemen.
273
00:10:22,205 --> 00:10:27,836
We all see the little, black
boy in the corner, right?
274
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:30,672
[Sighs] Okay. Whoo. [Chuckles]
275
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,841
- Hey, Liz.
276
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,759
Made you a mailbox key.
277
00:10:35,051 --> 00:10:37,887
- So is that all you
have to say to me?
278
00:10:38,179 --> 00:10:39,597
That's how you apologize?
279
00:10:39,889 --> 00:10:40,598
- What? What did I do?
280
00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:43,601
- What do you care?
Whatever, Brian, I am over it!
281
00:10:43,893 --> 00:10:45,645
- Over what?
- It!
282
00:10:45,937 --> 00:10:47,897
Oh, I'm sorry, is it
too much drama?
283
00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:51,693
You remind me of my
father and my boyfriend!
284
00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:54,404
Ugh! Are you listening to me?
285
00:10:54,696 --> 00:10:55,696
Because if you are not,
286
00:10:55,947 --> 00:10:57,842
I will put on a wedding dress
and jump in front of a subway!
287
00:10:57,866 --> 00:11:01,536
- Honey, you don't need to
tell me how much men suck.
288
00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:03,068
Sit down and tell me everything
289
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:04,998
while I make us
raspberry mojitos.
290
00:11:05,290 --> 00:11:06,791
- You're gay?
291
00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:09,460
- Start from the beginning.
What's this boyfriend's name?
292
00:11:09,752 --> 00:11:12,255
- Astronaut Mike Dexter.
293
00:11:18,261 --> 00:11:19,304
- Hi, Tracy.
294
00:11:19,596 --> 00:11:21,877
I thought "take your black
kid to work day" was yesterday.
295
00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:24,559
- No, it's always a Wednesday.
296
00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:26,311
- Brian is gay, Jenna.
297
00:11:26,603 --> 00:11:28,323
The drama did not make
him want to move out.
298
00:11:28,563 --> 00:11:29,189
- Well, of course not.
299
00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:30,773
Drama is like gay man Gatorade.
300
00:11:31,065 --> 00:11:32,385
It replenishes
their electrolytes.
301
00:11:32,442 --> 00:11:33,776
- Damn it, he's
never gonna leave.
302
00:11:34,068 --> 00:11:36,112
- Trying to get
someone to move out?
303
00:11:36,404 --> 00:11:38,740
May I suggest what got
my neighbors to move out?
304
00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:40,825
Black person moved
in, scared 'em off.
305
00:11:41,117 --> 00:11:43,286
- Huh. That's not
a bad idea, Tracy.
306
00:11:43,578 --> 00:11:44,787
- I got a lot of good ideas.
307
00:11:45,079 --> 00:11:46,372
Now if you'll excuse me,
308
00:11:46,664 --> 00:11:48,104
I have to take my
son to my vasectomy
309
00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:50,126
because the Cosby
show lied to me
310
00:11:50,418 --> 00:11:56,049
and I cannot tell an
amazing strip club story.
311
00:11:56,341 --> 00:11:58,801
- Okay, let's go.
312
00:11:59,093 --> 00:12:00,470
- Miss Lemon.
313
00:12:00,762 --> 00:12:03,681
As I'm sure you know, it
is green week, and NBC...
314
00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:05,826
- oh, brother, are they actually
gonna do something this year,
315
00:12:05,850 --> 00:12:07,890
or are they just gonna put
that stupid green peacock
316
00:12:08,102 --> 00:12:10,730
in the corner of the screen?
317
00:12:11,022 --> 00:12:14,609
- Actually, we're reducing
TGS's carbon footprint.
318
00:12:14,901 --> 00:12:16,569
And what you can do, miss Lemon,
319
00:12:16,861 --> 00:12:18,738
is get rid of your
office mini fridge.
320
00:12:19,030 --> 00:12:20,750
- My mini fridge? What
about my fresh fruit?
321
00:12:20,949 --> 00:12:22,533
Flavored toaster cheesecakes?
322
00:12:22,825 --> 00:12:25,370
- Oh, so I guess you can
make other people give stuff up,
323
00:12:25,662 --> 00:12:27,956
but you're too good to
make a sacrifice yourself.
324
00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:29,749
- Fine, I'll give
up my mini fridge
325
00:12:30,041 --> 00:12:32,585
because unlike Frank I am
a good and decent person.
326
00:12:32,877 --> 00:12:35,255
Is that my cell phone?
327
00:12:35,546 --> 00:12:40,343
Oh, no, sorry. It's in my hand.
328
00:12:40,635 --> 00:12:41,761
- Count backwards from ten.
329
00:12:42,053 --> 00:12:43,346
- Sure. I know how to do that.
330
00:12:43,638 --> 00:12:47,934
You lied to me, bill
Cosby! You lied to me!
331
00:12:48,226 --> 00:12:51,813
Uh-oh, here comes
my hallucination.
332
00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:54,315
[Cosby show theme music]
333
00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:57,402
[Canned cheers and applause]
334
00:12:57,694 --> 00:13:01,072
- Denise. Vanessa?
Sondra the boring one.
335
00:13:01,364 --> 00:13:02,824
It's your father.
336
00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:05,952
I'm having a Cosby
show hallucination.
337
00:13:06,244 --> 00:13:07,244
[Laughter, applause]
338
00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:08,746
- Hey, dad.
339
00:13:09,038 --> 00:13:10,198
- Theo, what's going on here?
340
00:13:10,373 --> 00:13:12,625
Did Rudy make a mess
with the juicer again?
341
00:13:12,917 --> 00:13:14,627
Vanessa was supposed
to be watching her
342
00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:16,713
and not upstairs
gossiping on the phone.
343
00:13:17,005 --> 00:13:18,464
- Who are Rudy and Vanessa?
344
00:13:18,756 --> 00:13:20,758
- Your adorable
sister and your sister.
345
00:13:21,050 --> 00:13:24,095
- I don't have any sisters, dad.
[Laughs]
346
00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:25,972
It's just us guys. [Laughter]
347
00:13:26,264 --> 00:13:29,600
You know how it is when
it's just us guys, right?
348
00:13:29,892 --> 00:13:32,812
- That's why my life is
not like the Cosby show.
349
00:13:33,104 --> 00:13:36,399
I only have boys, and
boys are disgusting!
350
00:13:36,691 --> 00:13:37,233
[Laughter]
351
00:13:37,525 --> 00:13:39,652
I need a baby girl.
[Audience awws]
352
00:13:39,944 --> 00:13:41,404
Don't patronize me!
353
00:13:41,696 --> 00:13:43,740
Stop laughing! It's not funny!
354
00:13:44,032 --> 00:13:47,702
I need a baby girl! Don't
snip my vas deferens!
355
00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:52,457
- Looking... things!
[Clattering]
356
00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:54,792
- Hey, what're you doing home?
357
00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:56,145
- Oh, just getting my computer.
358
00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:58,588
Sorry, I forgot you'd
be home now, Brian!
359
00:13:58,880 --> 00:13:59,464
- [Pounds on door]
360
00:13:59,756 --> 00:14:01,841
Elizabeth, I know
you're in there.
361
00:14:02,133 --> 00:14:03,133
- Oh, no.
362
00:14:03,301 --> 00:14:06,220
It's my crazy black boyfriend,
astronaut Mike Dexter.
363
00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:09,182
- Better not be with a
man! Even if he's gay!
364
00:14:09,474 --> 00:14:12,518
- Mike, no, I don't even
know why I'm letting you in
365
00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:14,520
when you're in this
unreasonable state.
366
00:14:14,812 --> 00:14:16,689
Don't get angry and jealous,
367
00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:19,359
even though Brian is the one
who convinced me to move on.
368
00:14:19,650 --> 00:14:21,527
- I'm gonna be
coming by all the time,
369
00:14:21,819 --> 00:14:24,447
gettin' jealous, takin'
things out of context.
370
00:14:24,739 --> 00:14:27,075
That dude Brian would
be happier moving out!
371
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:29,160
- Okay, everybody
just calm down.
372
00:14:29,452 --> 00:14:30,828
- I feel angry!
373
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:35,166
Like Warren moon
must've felt back in 1995!
374
00:14:35,458 --> 00:14:37,668
- As I have told you many
times during our relationship,
375
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,796
no one gets that reference.
376
00:14:40,088 --> 00:14:42,090
- Oh, lord!
377
00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:43,925
- NYPD! Stay on the ground!
378
00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:46,052
- A gay hipster cop.
379
00:14:46,344 --> 00:14:51,432
You're an
interesting guy, Brian.
380
00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:53,101
- Look at this.
381
00:14:53,393 --> 00:14:56,270
The Geiss name used to be
synonymous with success, power,
382
00:14:56,562 --> 00:14:58,815
funny incidents where
women died at barbecues.
383
00:14:59,107 --> 00:15:00,733
Now it's being dragged
through the mud.
384
00:15:01,025 --> 00:15:04,445
This is why I'm
having a vasectomy.
385
00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:06,531
- Yeah, but look
at that picture.
386
00:15:06,823 --> 00:15:08,825
He had some good
times with his kids too.
387
00:15:09,117 --> 00:15:11,411
That junk is priceless.
388
00:15:11,702 --> 00:15:16,457
- Well, I'm glad I'm
doing this. Very, very glad.
389
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:17,959
What are you working on now?
390
00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:21,421
- I have to write an essay
about my dad for school.
391
00:15:21,712 --> 00:15:22,940
I wanted the cover to
be one of those things
392
00:15:22,964 --> 00:15:26,467
where each letter in his name
stands for a word about him.
393
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:27,468
- That's called an "acrostic."
394
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:32,849
- An acrostic. Cool.
Thanks for teaching me that.
395
00:15:33,141 --> 00:15:35,059
- Yes, well, you're welcome.
396
00:15:35,351 --> 00:15:39,564
Maybe I could help
you with the grammar.
397
00:15:39,856 --> 00:15:41,441
Why don't you read it to me?
398
00:15:41,732 --> 00:15:44,652
- "T" is for terrific,
"r" is for rad,
399
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:47,655
"a" is for awesome,
400
00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:51,117
"c"... 'cause he's my dad.
401
00:15:51,409 --> 00:15:54,912
- Damn you, Tracy Jr.
402
00:15:57,540 --> 00:16:00,668
- Miss Lemon, your mini
fridge is still in your office.
403
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,587
You made a promise to Masi Oka.
404
00:16:02,879 --> 00:16:04,630
"Conserve electricity.
405
00:16:04,922 --> 00:16:07,800
Don't be a zero, be a good guy."
406
00:16:08,092 --> 00:16:09,719
Why doesn't that say "hero"?
407
00:16:10,011 --> 00:16:11,721
That feels like a real
missed opportunity.
408
00:16:12,013 --> 00:16:12,430
- I don't care.
409
00:16:12,722 --> 00:16:14,074
If I can't have my
adult apartment,
410
00:16:14,098 --> 00:16:16,392
I will have my mini fridge.
411
00:16:16,684 --> 00:16:17,852
- Wow, Liz.
412
00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:20,104
Don't you care about
the environment?
413
00:16:20,396 --> 00:16:22,082
- Shut up. What do you
know about the environment?
414
00:16:22,106 --> 00:16:24,984
- Only everything. All: [Gasp]
415
00:16:25,276 --> 00:16:27,904
- Ladies and gentlemen,
I present to you
416
00:16:28,196 --> 00:16:33,075
the greenest person at
TGS, Mr. Frank Rossitano.
417
00:16:33,367 --> 00:16:34,994
All: [Voicing disapproval]
418
00:16:35,286 --> 00:16:37,538
- He never wastes anything.
419
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:39,099
I've seen him eat
food from the trash.
420
00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:40,123
- What's a trash barrel
421
00:16:40,291 --> 00:16:42,001
but a big salad
bowl filled with trash?
422
00:16:42,293 --> 00:16:44,921
- He never wastes water
by doing his laundry.
423
00:16:45,213 --> 00:16:46,464
- This shirt started out white.
424
00:16:46,756 --> 00:16:48,276
[Applause]
- No, do not encourage this.
425
00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:51,511
He pees in jars and leaves
them around the office.
426
00:16:51,802 --> 00:16:52,345
That's a health hazard.
427
00:16:52,637 --> 00:16:54,972
- Come. Let me
show you something.
428
00:16:55,264 --> 00:16:55,932
- Don't talk to me like that.
429
00:16:56,224 --> 00:16:57,864
You look like a turtle
who lost its shell.
430
00:16:58,100 --> 00:16:59,685
- Mr. Rossitano
has actually been
431
00:16:59,977 --> 00:17:01,646
emptying his jars out there.
432
00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:04,565
- He's been pouring
them out the window?
433
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:07,068
Oh, that is...
434
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:08,653
Beautiful.
435
00:17:08,945 --> 00:17:09,945
- Miss Lemon,
436
00:17:10,154 --> 00:17:13,574
TGS can reach its 5%
goal in one of two ways.
437
00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:15,493
You can give up
your mini fridge,
438
00:17:15,785 --> 00:17:20,748
or you can let Mr. Rossitano
do his sun tea system.
439
00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:23,543
- Just keep the door closed.
440
00:17:23,834 --> 00:17:25,378
- Absolutely not.
441
00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:31,968
- Wake up, Tracy! Wake up!
442
00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:35,429
I don't want a
vasectomy, Dr. Spaceman.
443
00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:36,764
I need to go back in time.
444
00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:39,976
Why did I sell my
DeLorean to Mr. T?
445
00:17:40,268 --> 00:17:41,310
- You'll be fine, Tracy.
446
00:17:41,602 --> 00:17:43,442
I didn't let Leo go through
with the vasectomy.
447
00:17:43,604 --> 00:17:45,982
- If a patient's friend runs
into the operating room
448
00:17:46,274 --> 00:17:47,817
and yells at you,
you have to stop.
449
00:17:48,109 --> 00:17:48,734
It's the doctor's code.
450
00:17:49,026 --> 00:17:50,570
- Jackie D, I need a baby girl!
451
00:17:50,861 --> 00:17:53,698
- Maybe one day our
kids will play together.
452
00:17:53,990 --> 00:17:55,449
I didn't have my
vasectomy either.
453
00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:57,410
Tracy, I want to have children.
454
00:17:57,702 --> 00:17:58,327
I want those memories,
455
00:17:58,619 --> 00:17:59,620
no matter what the cost.
456
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,472
And I have to pass
on this head of hair.
457
00:18:01,622 --> 00:18:02,902
- What made you
change your mind?
458
00:18:03,124 --> 00:18:05,001
- Tracy Jr. made
you an acrostic.
459
00:18:05,293 --> 00:18:06,973
- Well, I hope he makes
me an across helmet
460
00:18:07,211 --> 00:18:09,005
so I don't get hurt
playing across!
461
00:18:09,297 --> 00:18:10,297
Now, come on,
462
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:11,007
that's pretty solid for a guy
463
00:18:11,299 --> 00:18:14,552
who just came out
of an hallucination.
464
00:18:14,844 --> 00:18:16,804
- Hey, how'd everything
go with Dotcom?
465
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:18,139
- Terrible, actually.
466
00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:19,098
- Well, what're
you gonna do now?
467
00:18:19,390 --> 00:18:20,808
- I give up.
468
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:23,769
I can't Jack, Jenna, or Tracy
this guy out of the apartment.
469
00:18:24,061 --> 00:18:26,981
I'm out of... ideas.
470
00:18:36,991 --> 00:18:38,993
- [Door lock rattling]
471
00:18:43,539 --> 00:18:46,208
[Door opens]
472
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:47,752
- [Exhales]
473
00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:49,462
- I got the apartment!
474
00:18:49,754 --> 00:18:51,172
- You did? How?
475
00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:53,257
- He moved out,
and now it's mine.
476
00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:55,069
- You didn't really
answer my question.
477
00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:56,217
- What?
478
00:18:56,427 --> 00:18:58,429
- What did you do?
479
00:18:58,721 --> 00:19:00,848
- You didn't!
480
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:02,576
- Manhattan real
estate. No rules, right?
481
00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:04,226
- You think I'm disgusting?
482
00:19:04,518 --> 00:19:06,646
I used the sun tea system
to stop global warming.
483
00:19:06,937 --> 00:19:10,107
You used it to kick a gay
cop out of his apartment.
484
00:19:10,399 --> 00:19:13,819
- I have no regrets!
485
00:19:14,111 --> 00:19:16,614
No regrets!
486
00:19:16,906 --> 00:19:18,783
- Hey, Tracy.
487
00:19:19,075 --> 00:19:21,327
Now you can tell me
your filthy strip club story.
488
00:19:21,619 --> 00:19:22,979
- Frank, I'm gonna
have a daughter,
489
00:19:23,079 --> 00:19:24,399
and I would never
tell that story.
490
00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:25,998
It's demeaning to women.
491
00:19:26,290 --> 00:19:31,879
Especially if they've had their
boobies sneezed on by a tiger.
492
00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:38,928
- Good for you, sir.
493
00:19:39,220 --> 00:19:40,530
Did you know that
fluorescent light bulbs
494
00:19:40,554 --> 00:19:42,306
last ten times longer
than regular ones?
495
00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:45,184
- Yup. And they only use
one quarter of the power.
496
00:19:45,476 --> 00:19:47,561
But if we're gonna
solve the climate crisis,
497
00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:50,293
we've got to change more than
the light bulbs and the windows.
498
00:19:50,564 --> 00:19:53,025
We've got to change
the laws and the policies
499
00:19:53,317 --> 00:19:56,362
through collective political
action on a large scale.
500
00:19:56,654 --> 00:19:59,532
You know, there's an old
African proverb that I made up.
501
00:19:59,824 --> 00:20:02,118
If you want to go
quickly, go alone.
502
00:20:02,410 --> 00:20:04,912
If you want to go
far, go together.
503
00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:07,081
We need to go far. Quickly.
504
00:20:07,373 --> 00:20:10,126
- Mr. Vice president.
505
00:20:10,418 --> 00:20:12,378
The snack table isn't
gonna clean itself.
506
00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:16,549
- Look again, Kenneth.
507
00:20:16,841 --> 00:20:18,926
- Well, that's
not super helpful.
508
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:21,762
- Kenneth, encourage your
lawmakers to take action,
509
00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:23,931
and recycle everything.
510
00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:25,266
Including jokes.
511
00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:26,726
- I'm sorry, sir, what?
512
00:20:27,017 --> 00:20:29,812
- Quiet.
[Stupendous music]
513
00:20:30,104 --> 00:20:31,272
A whale is in trouble.
514
00:20:31,564 --> 00:20:33,858
I have to go.
515
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:42,324
- Sir, I am happy
to report that TGS
516
00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:45,619
reduced its carbon
footprint by 7%.
517
00:20:45,911 --> 00:20:47,913
- Kenneth, I also
want to do my part.
518
00:20:48,205 --> 00:20:49,205
- You do?
519
00:20:49,290 --> 00:20:49,832
- I may not have
children anytime soon,
520
00:20:50,124 --> 00:20:51,667
but when I do I
want the earth here.
521
00:20:51,959 --> 00:20:56,172
That's why I've replaced
my wasteful, imported flowers
522
00:20:56,464 --> 00:20:59,675
with beautiful azaleas from
our very own 30 rock terrace.
523
00:20:59,967 --> 00:21:00,634
[Sniffs]
524
00:21:00,926 --> 00:21:02,219
- Oh, my.
525
00:21:02,511 --> 00:21:03,864
- They're still sprinkled
with morning dew, Kenneth.
526
00:21:03,888 --> 00:21:05,890
Smell them.
527
00:21:06,182 --> 00:21:09,268
Smell my flowers, Kenneth.
528
00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:10,560
- [Sniffs]
39378
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