All language subtitles for 30.Rock.S04E05.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE.SDH

[Knock on door]
- Hey, Jack.

- Lemon, I was in
Beijing this weekend,

buying a reality show
format where criminals

try to dance their
way to freedom.

- Jien-yu pi-li-wu, sure.

- I also bought this.

A Chinese knockoff of your book.

- What?

"Dealbreaker. ff' the
book for you man no good,

by lesbian-yellow-sourfruit."

- So, uh, what do
you need from me?

- Ah, well,

our new cast
member starts today.

- Oh, of course,
the robot. I liked him.

- We don't know
anything about him.

I don't think his real
name is partybot.

I don't know what he looks like.

I don't know what he talks like.

I certainly don't
know if he can act.

- Lemon, what did you
once say to me about acting?

- Just hit your marks,
stay in your light,

and do the same thing
every take for continuity.

- See? Anyone can do it.

[Knocking]
- Miss Lemon, security called.

Our new actor just checked in.

He'll be on six in
a couple minutes.

- Let's go introduce ourselves.

- This is so exciting.

Maybe we should practice
the welcome song I distributed.

[Falsetto] ♪ makin'
a new friend ♪

♪ sure ain't easy ♪

♪ and that's how
two become one ♪

- Lemon, do you have
any plans for dinner tonight?

- I do, I bought an Activia
microwavable panini.

- Good god, have dinner with me.

- Just the two of us?
- Yes.

- Okay.
- Hey, Jackie D.

I hope the new dude isn't
impossible to work with,

like some people I know.

- I hope he's educated.
- I hope he hates Toofer.

- I hope he likes janitor hugs.

[Door opens]
- Somebody's coming.

[All gasp]

- Oh, no. Is that the new guy?

- What?

No, it's me, Lutz.

I've worked here
for three years.

I gave you that car I won.

- Come on.

[Door opens]

- Hi.

I think I'm supposed
to be on TV.

- Jack Donaghy.

Good to see you again.

- Oh, hey. I'm Jack... Baker.

So guess there's
two Jacks here now.

- I don't think there are.

Welcome aboard... Danny.

- Hi, Danny. I'm Liz.

- Did he just change my name?

- Let's go look at
your dressing room...

Danny.

- He looks like all the
guys in my magazines.

- This is unbelievable.

Last week, I was
just a street performer

making 50 bucks a day
and getting memory loss

from all the silver paint fumes,

and now I'm... Um...

- You're on TGS.
- I'm on TGS?

This is unbelievable!

I haven't done any real acting

since I was in that high
school football movie

back in Ottawa.

- You're Canadian?

- All right, hosers,
I want all 12 of us

fighting for every meter
on all three downs!

We're gonna make
this a boxing day

the prime minister
will never forget!

- Okay, well, you don't
have zero experience.

- I just don't want to screw up.

Like, what do you
wish you'd known

on your first day here?

- Oh, well, don't eat prop food.

They spray something
on it that messes you up.

- Hello, Mr. Baker.

I'm Kenneth, one
of the NBC pages.

I'm going out to
get miss Maroney

and Mr. Jordan's lunch.

And what would you like?
- Oh, thanks.

I'll probably just go
grab something later.

Can I get you
anything while I'm out?

- [Squeaks]

Yad sdrawkcab
tsuj s'ti sseug I, yako.

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Okay, here's one.

You can have the
powers of Superman

for an entire year,

but you can only have
one sexual partner

for the rest of your life.

- Two questions: Must I live
by Superman's moral code,

and will the sex
woman get older?

- Yes and yes.

- Forget it. No deal.

- Hi.

- I don't want your
sleeve to catch on fire.

- [Scoffs] Why would
my sleeve catch on fire?

Ah, ha ha. You
know me well, sir.

- I often know what you're
going to do before you do it.

- What am I going to do next?
- What am I going to do next?

Speaking of which,
I made some calls.

And there's interest in
a dealbreakers talk show

with you hosting.

- Spit take. Are you serious?

- Absolutely. You're
becoming a commodity.

I say we book the
studio, shoot the pilot,

and take it from there...
What do you think?

- Wow, okay.

Let's do it.

Both: I knew you
would say yes, Lemon.

- [Laughs]

- Hey, Pete, I have question.

Is camera left my
left or my right?

- [Chuckles] Here's
some advice, Danny.

Learn as little as you can.

'Cause when you know things,

people ask you to do things.

And then everyone
starts coming to you

with their problems.

That's why when
someone comes to me

with something I
don't want to deal with,

I say, "oh, no, my
kid's sick," and take off.

You have any kids?

No.

I mean, I pretty much
raised my little sister,

'cause my mom...

- oh, that must have been hard.

Oh, no, my kid is sick.

- A dealbreakers talk
show? That's amazing, Liz.

- Liz Lemon, you are
blowing up like a balloon

with a grenade in it.

- [Chuckles]
- Who else are you meeting with?

- What do you mean?

- You know, like
producers and agents.

- No one... I'm
doing it with Jack.

For Sheinhardt-universal.

- Liz, you can't just go

with the first person
who comes along.

I know, because
I've been burned.

Do you remember when
I was first starting out,

and I signed a ten-year deal

with that karaoke
machine company?

[Singing I've been workin'
on the railroad in Japanese]

♪ ♪

- When I first got big,

I made bad business
decisions too.

Which is how I got
stuck having to plug

Wade Bogg's carpet
world five times

whenever I appear on screen.

- You have to plug what?

- Wade Bogg's carpet world.

Wade Bogg's carpet world.
Wade Bogg's carpet world.

- Liz, Jack would never
take a first offer, right?

He's taking advantage
of your relationship.

- He knows you're special,

like a black stripper
with Blue eyes.

You have to test
the marketplace.

- But I already told Jack
that I would do it with him.

- Did you sign anything?
- [Quietly] No.

- Then he'll understand.
It's business.

I'm gonna set you up with
someone at my agency

and make sure
that you do this right.

- And one last piece
of advice, Liz Lemon,

from someone that's been
on this side of the business

for a long time.

Wade Bogg's carpet world.

- [Sighs]

- That was actually good advice.

- From now on, I shall
call us the problem solvers.

Yo, Ken.

Do you have a problem
that needs solving?

- Actually, I do.

Mr. Baker wants to do
everything for himself.

I feel about as useless
as a mom's college degree.

- Sounds like a job
for the problem solvers.

We'll talk to Danny for you.

- Lemon, I was just
going to call you.

The guy who came
up with this thing

for Arsenio hall

wants to create a
signature arm gesture

for our talk show.

I was thinking
something like this.

Uh-uh.

Uh-uh.

Uh-uh.

- Um, yeah.

About the talk show...

While I am very
thankful for your offer,

I think I maybe should
take a couple other meetings

before committing to anything.

Like you said, I'm
a commodity now.

My book is number 14

on the non-fiction
bestseller chart,

right behind the
founding fathers' diet.

So... I'm signing with an agent

and exploring my options.

- I see.

Well, if that's how
you feel about it.

Good luck in the marketplace.

- Obviously, this
is nothing personal.

I just want to be thorough.

That's okay, right?

All right, then. Great meeting.

Raise your hand if you're
cool with what's happening.

[Hoarse whisper] Not
too late to raise your hand.

- Cerie, if you need me,

I'll be at a meeting
with my new agent.

- Oh, he called to
confirm your lunch,

but I told him
you'd already eaten

a weird panini.

- That was... no.

Just, heh, call him and
tell him I'm on my way.

Do I look okay?

- That's exactly how you look.

- Hi.

- There she is!

The dealbreaker!

Simon Barrons.

- You're an agent?

- Uh, junior agent.

Um, uh, full disclosure:

Until now, I've mainly
represented dogs,

but seeing as how
we're both embarking

on a new phase in our career...

Performing, representing
humans and monkeys...

I want you to know
that I'm hungry.

And I would do anything for you.

My clients are more important
to me than my own mommy.

- Okay, good.

I need someone
that I can count on.

I'm... kind of alone out
here in the marketplace.

- I get it, I get it.
That's what I'm here for.

Um, okay, let's get
your face out there,

take some meetings.

There's Jack Donahee at NBC.

- Donaghy already met. Who else?

- Do you know who
Scottie Shofar is?

- Oh, yeah, he's the
guy that produces

that dumb sports show
that always beats us.

- Yeah, you're talking
about sports shouting.

[All shouting at once]

- Okay, let's meet with him.

- Absolutely.

Now, I don't know him,

but a former client of mine

once buried a bone
in his backyard.

We go looking for
that bone, it's like,

"oh, Mr. Shofar, what's up?

My client has got an
idea for a talk show."

[Hiccupping]

Oh, no, I got the hiccups.

[Hiccupping]

- Danny, around here,

we're known as
the problem solvers.

- Always have
been, always will be.

- And we think you
could use a little guidance.

- Yes, please.

I don't even know where the
bathrooms are around here.

- It's not about
the room, Danny.

It's about the man.

Any room you see
around here with a door,

you make it your bathroom.

- You're an actor
now. You're special.

And taking advantage
of Kenneth is part of it.

It's what he's here for.

- Look, I'm just trying
to keep my head down

and suppress my Canadian accent.

I'm not "aboot" to...

Aboot...

Abwah... out.

Ah, all I'm saying is that

I don't want to rub
anyone the wrong way,

even Kenneth.
- Oh, don't worry.

Kenneth loves being our slave.

- He may say that, but
trust me, it's not true.

I was an assistant once, and
when you're in that position

you grow resentful and bitter.

- So what if Kenneth's
bitter? He's an underhuman.

- Look, a couple days ago,

I was working as a
robot for spare change.

And now look at me.

Kenneth's a page, but who knows?

Someday, he could
be running the network.

- [Laughing] What?

That's ridiculous.

- Crazier things have happened.

- Kenneth in charge?

- Liz, here are
today's press clippings.

Women's heal th
magazine gave us a d-minus.

- Son of a bitch!

Sheinhardt-universal
announces production

of a dealbreakers talk show?

What the what, Jack?

- Let me explain
something to you, Lemon.

Dealbreakers is a sketch

that first appeared on
this network... we own it.

And we're doing it whether
or not you're involved.

- Really? So you think
you can just replace me?

- Of course not.
We can do better.

I've already spoken
to Padma Lakshmi.

- Then who's
gonna host top chef?

You are ruining my life!

- Well, we could just
do the show with you.

But that door is closing.

- Close it.

You think you can
bully me like this?

Well, you don't know me.

(Both) Two can play
at this game, Jack.

- Gaah!

- Ken, you don't want
to be a page forever.

- Who said I've
been alive forever?

- What?

No, I mean...

What's your dream job?

Where do you see
yourself in ten years?

- Well, you know how
much I love television, sir.

So I guess my dream
would be to one day

run the network.

Just kidding. There
won't be a network.

But whatever
people are watching,

I want to be in charge of it.

- So... someday, you
could be my boss?

- [Chuckles] Well, guess so.

- Huh.

- Now, are you
ready to get started?

- No!

I'll brush my own teeth.

I don't want you to have
any resentments towards me.

From now on, I don't want
you to do anything for me.

- Hey, Jack.

Two days to the show,

and I still don't
really know anything.

- I'll tell you everything
you need to know, Danny.

Never do business with a friend.

Never be friends with a woman.

And lose the leather bracelet.

Pete, I have a problem.
I need your help.

- Oh, my kid got hit by a car!

- Hey, Jackie D, what's wrong?

You're not your
usual, giggly self.

- If you've got a problem,
you've found the right people.

- Okay, I have a problem.

It needs to be
communicated to Lemon

that if she wants
to play business,

I'm more than happy
to play with her.

But as she saw earlier today,

business Jack
does not play gentle.

- Are you as turned
on as I am right now?

- Lemon has a decision to make.

She can either be crushed by me.

- Ahh.

- Or she can suck in her stomach

and crawl back through
the tiny crack I've left for her

in the proverbial door.

You think you can
pass that along?

- Uh-huh.

Ohh.

Wait, hang on...

Our t-shirts are wrong.

Do you want to switch
where we're standing,

or switch our t-shirts?

- Just to be safe,
let's do both.

- Really? He said crawl back?

- You're not really capturing
the sexual energy of it,

but that was the message.

- So problem solved?

- I haven't even
begun to problem.

We are suing Jack
Donaghy and NBC

for the rights to dealbreakers.

- [Hiccups]

[Burps]

- Would either of
you care for a drink?

- No.
- Do you have drinkable yogurt?

- Simon, we're both
men of the world.

- Yeah, I've seen some bras.

- I bet you have.

Here's the thing.

No one's suing anyone.

- Don't let him push you around.

- I'm not. God, leave me alone.

- NBC employs 80%
of your agency's clients,

between are you
stronger than a dog

and I'm a celebrity
dog: Get me out arf here.

You need us.

I've already talked
to your lawyers,

and they're not
interested in pursuing this.

- God, Jack, why are you
being such a wang about this?

- I'll take that as
a complement.

An wang, the founder
of wang computers,

is one of the
greatest businessmen

of the 20th century.

And you're the one being
a lowercase wang, Lemon,

because after working with
me every day for four years,

you didn't trust me
to produce your show.

Instead, you made
it about business.

And I didn't get a bathroom door

that looks like part of a wall

by being bad at business.

- That's a bathroom?

- You tried to take advantage

of our friendship to make money.

- I don't need you
to make money.

In fact, I'm meeting with
your replacement tonight.

- Yeah? Well, I'm
replacing you too.

Because I got all kinds
of meetings lined up.

Big meetings.
- Really? With who?

- Damn it, Simon!

You were right about Jack.
- He's in love with me?

- What? No.

He burned me on dealbreakers.

And now I need to find someone
to help me burn him back.

- Well, I could introduce you

to my boy, Scottie Shofar.

- You know him?
- Hell, yeah!

I'm a frequent guest
on sports shouting.

[Overlapping shouting,
Tracy screaming]

Nah, introducing you to Scottie

probably wouldn't solve
your problems with Jack.

- Jack who? Set it up.

- Scottie Shofar.
I know that name.

What does he look like?

- I don't know.

All white people look
the same to me, Pete.

- Oh, my god.

Scottie Shofar was my assistant

on trivial pursuit.
Ff' the movie.

I was horrible to him.

And now he's
actually successful?

What if I got called
in to audition for him

and he recognized me,

even with all the
changes to my face?

That have happened naturally.

- That's what Danny was saying.

We have to be cool to everybody.

Because the future is like
a Japanese game show...

You have no idea
what's going on.

- Miss Maroney, your
Mexican diet pills came.

Should I start taking them
to test their side effects?

- No, Kenneth.
I'll do it myself.

You don't have to do
anything for me anymore.

Ever.

- What is happening around here?

What has changed?

[Suspenseful music]

- We're aboot to get married.

Oh, no, that's not right.

Ab-hah.

Obot.
- Mr. Baker.

We need to talk.

- Now's not a
great time, Kenneth.

I don't need anything.

- Sir, this time, I need
something from you.

You've poisoned Mr. Jordan's
and miss Maroney's minds.

You've got to tell them to
go back to the way it was.

To let me help everyone again.

Including you.

- Kenneth, I don't...

- yes, you do.

Because you're
scared. And frustrated.

- Of course I am, because
I'm going on TV tomorrow

and I don't know what I'm doing.

- Yes. Embrace your anger.

- What?

Y-You know, of all the weirdos

I've met around
here, you're the worst!

With your creepy,
Don knotts face,

that ridiculous
Hitler youth haircut.

- Excellent. What about my chin?

- What about your chin, Kenneth?

I've seen bigger chins
on a premature baby!

- Mr. Baker, you've just
made me feel terrible.

And said the word
"about" correctly.

Congratulations.

You're an actor.

- About.

- About.

- Oh, my god.

Thank you, Kenneth.

- That was aboot the
coolest thing I've ever seen.

- How long have you been there?

- Nine hours.
- A few minutes.

- Well, you need to
know something too.

No matter what
happens in the future,

I will always take care of you.

- Kenneth's the best.

- He knows what
I want before I do.

- Who's hungry?

- I wanted waffles.

[All cheer]

- So you can have all
the powers of Superman

for an entire year, but...

- Superman?

I've done hot yoga

with Tom welling and Dean Cain,

and I don't think
they're right for this.

- No, I wasn't, um...
[Rock music]

- Sorry, I gotta
take this. What's up?

Nothin', just meeting
with this dealbreakers lady.

I don't know.

Regular, six. Drunk, seven.

- [Crunch]

- Padma, I'm so happy
you've taken an interest

in dealbreakers.

- I love doing top chef,

but this would give me a chance

to showcase my other talents.

I mean, men always
tell me I'm very funny.

- Ah.
- Have you heard this one?

Knock-knock.

- [Laughing hysterically]

- We don't even care

about the profits
from your actual show.

That's nothing to us.
That's our Snapple money.

See, we're all about
monetizing you as a brand.

[Rock music]

- I'm blowing up.
It's Rahm Emanuel.

He wants me to
go to deer valley.

I am crushing it!

- Yeah, because I'm really
looking for a partner in this.

Someone I can trust.

- So... I would be a full
partner in this with you?

- That's what I'm
looking for, yes.

- I like it.

You know, I'm very
entrepreneurial.

I invented this new bag

that you put around a
sandwich to keep it fresh.

But it's clear,

so you still get the full
visual of the sandwich.

- So it's a sandwich bag?

- No, Jack, it's a new
thing that I invented.

- Oh.

- The point is, we
do business together,

and you are my
number one priority.

Nothing is more
important to me than you.

[Rock music] I gotta take this.

It's Brooke hogan.

What's up, you
tall drink of bitch!

You're amazing. No, seriously.

Amazing. Uh-huh.

Yeah, you heard me.

Yeah, that's right.

[Chuckling]

Yeah. No, seriously.

- So what would my
time commitment be

if I host this thing?

- Honestly, two days a week.

- Wow, that's great.

Top chef has all this traveling

and all-day shoots.

If I could do this instead,

I wouldn't be so grouchy
and exhausted all the time.

My clothes wouldn't have
food stains all over them.

I could actually find a balance

between my work
and being a mommy.

This would change my life, Jack.

- It would.

It would change your life.

- So let's do this.

- No.
- What?

- I don't want to
change your life.

I want to change
Lemon's life. I'm sorry.

- Uhh, this business is so hard!

Not really. I'm kidding.

Go. Go.

- Lemon.
- Jack.

- I was wrong.

It's you. It's always been you.

[Romantic music]

I want to do business
with you, Lemon.

- I'd like that.

- Do you have a problem?

Both: Then call
the problem solvers.

- Taxes got you down?

Wasps in your crawlspace?

- Term paper blues?
Migrating implants?

Both: Call the problem solvers.

- 'Cause after all,
what's a problem

but an opportunity
disguised as a stripper

having a seizure on your boat?

Mouse in your house?

- Or need a cheap
flight to Tucson?

Both: ♪ we are the problem... ♪

♪ Solvers ♪

- That was a good rehearsal.

Now let's record it.

And we're rolling.