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1
00:00:02,419 --> 00:00:03,837
- So we're agreed.
2
00:00:04,129 --> 00:00:06,798
Assuming nothing goes
wrong in the next eight hours,
3
00:00:07,090 --> 00:00:09,426
Jayden Michael Tyler will
be the next TGS cast member.
4
00:00:09,718 --> 00:00:11,929
- Eight cities, 40 comics,
5
00:00:12,221 --> 00:00:14,431
one slap fight with a TSA agent.
6
00:00:14,723 --> 00:00:15,933
I'm done. Jayden's the one.
7
00:00:16,225 --> 00:00:17,225
[Sighs]
8
00:00:17,434 --> 00:00:19,019
Now we just have
to make Jack think
9
00:00:19,311 --> 00:00:21,688
that hiring Jayden
was his decision.
10
00:00:21,980 --> 00:00:25,150
Who are the decoys we
will be using for the audition?
11
00:00:25,442 --> 00:00:28,195
- Uh, middle-aged female
comic with a bolo tie,
12
00:00:28,487 --> 00:00:30,948
one-man band who only
plays Halloween music,
13
00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:33,992
and Australia's Jackie Mason.
14
00:00:34,284 --> 00:00:36,286
Jack will hate all of
them and pick Jayden.
15
00:00:36,578 --> 00:00:38,163
- Ugh, I hate doing
this to people.
16
00:00:38,455 --> 00:00:39,849
They all think this
is their big break,
17
00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:40,499
but we're just using them.
18
00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:42,292
- Call it the Hornberger system.
19
00:00:42,584 --> 00:00:44,312
- You've never been on
the other side of this, Pete.
20
00:00:44,336 --> 00:00:46,672
Auditioning is hard.
So much rejection.
21
00:00:46,964 --> 00:00:48,298
Elizabeth Lemon,
22
00:00:48,590 --> 00:00:52,302
I am represented by
Suzanne's b-plus talent.
23
00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:54,263
My carpets need a deep clean.
24
00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:55,555
- Next!
25
00:00:55,764 --> 00:00:58,084
- And then you call your mom
and tell her, "it went great,"
26
00:00:58,267 --> 00:01:00,078
and you've got a really
good feeling about this year.
27
00:01:00,102 --> 00:01:01,102
- I know it's no fun,
28
00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:03,564
but you are making this
guy's dreams come true.
29
00:01:03,855 --> 00:01:05,440
At your age, it's
probably the last time
30
00:01:05,732 --> 00:01:06,793
you'll ever make a man happy.
31
00:01:06,817 --> 00:01:09,152
- [Laughs] That's
true, Liz is old.
32
00:01:09,444 --> 00:01:11,321
Uh, where are we
on this audition?
33
00:01:11,613 --> 00:01:13,490
- Uh, we've narrowed
it down to four people
34
00:01:13,782 --> 00:01:14,491
for this afternoon.
35
00:01:14,783 --> 00:01:16,427
- I'm already not liking
some of these people.
36
00:01:16,451 --> 00:01:18,203
It reminds me of
being on the bus.
37
00:01:18,495 --> 00:01:20,095
- Come on, guys,
these are people up here
38
00:01:20,372 --> 00:01:22,457
with feelings and mothers
who worry about them.
39
00:01:22,749 --> 00:01:23,789
- Lemon, stop right there.
40
00:01:23,875 --> 00:01:25,669
You are on top of the pyramid.
41
00:01:25,961 --> 00:01:28,005
TGS is a small pyramid,
which nevertheless
42
00:01:28,297 --> 00:01:29,339
will one day be your tomb.
43
00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:31,216
You can't let
emotions distract you
44
00:01:31,508 --> 00:01:33,010
from making decisions
about the slaves
45
00:01:33,302 --> 00:01:34,612
who built the
pyramid, which, again,
46
00:01:34,636 --> 00:01:35,676
will one day be your tomb.
47
00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:37,389
- Geez. Sorry I'm not a robot.
48
00:01:37,681 --> 00:01:39,683
- We all are. But
we're getting there.
49
00:01:39,975 --> 00:01:42,686
In ten years, this'll all
be the size of a microchip.
50
00:01:42,978 --> 00:01:44,313
But until then,
you're in charge.
51
00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:47,190
Think like a robot. Be
logical and dispassionate.
52
00:01:47,482 --> 00:01:48,482
- Are you okay?
53
00:01:48,734 --> 00:01:51,004
- See, that's exactly what I'm
talking about... human empathy.
54
00:01:51,028 --> 00:01:52,548
It's as useless as
the winter Olympics.
55
00:01:52,738 --> 00:01:54,239
This February on NBC.
56
00:01:54,531 --> 00:01:57,200
[Exciting jazz music]
57
00:01:57,492 --> 00:02:05,334
♪ ♪
58
00:02:16,553 --> 00:02:17,553
- Tracy.
59
00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:19,490
I just heard they're
closing down the set today.
60
00:02:19,514 --> 00:02:20,742
Do you think it's for auditions?
61
00:02:20,766 --> 00:02:23,310
- Jennifer M, why
are you so worked up?
62
00:02:23,602 --> 00:02:25,270
- Because it's
gonna be a disaster.
63
00:02:25,562 --> 00:02:26,748
Like Katrina. Do you
remember Katrina?
64
00:02:26,772 --> 00:02:28,357
That crazy girl from
hair and make-up?
65
00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:30,192
- Nothing's gonna change.
66
00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:32,277
They're gonna hire
some skinny white guy.
67
00:02:32,569 --> 00:02:34,112
How is that a threat?
68
00:02:34,404 --> 00:02:35,644
You'll do your lady characters,
69
00:02:35,864 --> 00:02:37,508
and I will get onstage
and people will laugh
70
00:02:37,532 --> 00:02:40,285
even when I forget
my, um, my... line.
71
00:02:40,577 --> 00:02:41,703
- Lines.
- Lines.
72
00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:43,246
- Everybody's a threat, Tracy.
73
00:02:43,538 --> 00:02:44,807
You don't know who's
gonna walk through that door.
74
00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:45,248
- It's true.
75
00:02:45,540 --> 00:02:47,260
Anything can happen
in the audition process.
76
00:02:47,376 --> 00:02:49,252
- Oh, yeah, I forgot, Dotcom.
77
00:02:49,544 --> 00:02:52,089
You know everything about
acting because you played a bird
78
00:02:52,381 --> 00:02:53,965
in some stupid school play.
79
00:02:54,257 --> 00:02:55,759
[Laughs mockingly]
80
00:02:56,051 --> 00:02:57,135
- Yes, Tracy.
81
00:02:57,427 --> 00:02:58,637
I was Trigorin in the seagull
82
00:02:58,929 --> 00:03:01,932
on the Wesleyan
Artspace mainstage.
83
00:03:02,224 --> 00:03:03,600
- He will know.
84
00:03:03,892 --> 00:03:05,435
- Vampyr!
85
00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:07,914
- Are they closing the Stage
this afternoon for auditions?
86
00:03:07,938 --> 00:03:09,082
What's on that piece of paper?
87
00:03:09,106 --> 00:03:12,109
- Uh, miss Lemon did say,
"keep this away from Jenna."
88
00:03:12,401 --> 00:03:13,110
But she may have meant the Jenna
89
00:03:13,402 --> 00:03:16,488
that works downstairs
at that luggage store...
90
00:03:16,780 --> 00:03:20,283
So I'm gonna give it to you.
91
00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:29,626
- Thank you, Kenneth.
- Oh, my, sir.
92
00:03:29,918 --> 00:03:33,004
It looks like you got a bad
case of the chewdaddies.
93
00:03:33,296 --> 00:03:36,967
Ozark kisses? The
woodsman's companion?
94
00:03:37,259 --> 00:03:39,636
Bedbugs. They're a big
problem in New York right now.
95
00:03:39,928 --> 00:03:42,097
- I don't have bedbugs,
Kenneth, I went to Princeton.
96
00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:44,099
- Sir, anyone can get them.
97
00:03:44,391 --> 00:03:47,436
Back in stone mountain,
even the mayor had bedbugs.
98
00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:49,438
And she was a horse.
99
00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:50,981
[Knocking on door]
- I'm sorry.
100
00:03:51,273 --> 00:03:52,273
Am I interrupting?
101
00:03:52,482 --> 00:03:54,001
- Uh... uh, no,
Breckman, it's nothing.
102
00:03:54,025 --> 00:03:55,318
- It's not nothing, sir.
103
00:03:55,610 --> 00:03:58,405
Mr. Donaghy's got
Blue Ridge quilt ticklers.
104
00:03:58,697 --> 00:04:00,198
Oh, sorry. Bedbugs.
105
00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:01,908
- Bedbugs?
106
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:03,493
Can't those live
in your clothes?
107
00:04:03,785 --> 00:04:05,162
- That's true, Mr. Donaghy.
108
00:04:05,454 --> 00:04:07,289
The mayor had to
burn all her pantsuits.
109
00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:08,683
- Don't worry
about it, Breckman.
110
00:04:08,707 --> 00:04:09,707
I'll see you at the, uh,
111
00:04:09,958 --> 00:04:11,060
business development
meeting at 11:00.
112
00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:13,962
- You know what, uh, we
may not need you for that.
113
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:17,174
So I'm gonna go now.
114
00:04:17,466 --> 00:04:19,009
[Knocking on door]
115
00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:19,634
- Hey, what's up, Dotcom?
116
00:04:19,926 --> 00:04:23,096
- The great Uta
Hagen once said...
117
00:04:23,388 --> 00:04:28,018
"Is why I'd like to
audition for TGS."
118
00:04:28,310 --> 00:04:30,187
Walter, you idiot.
You lost a card.
119
00:04:30,479 --> 00:04:31,980
- Wait, you wanna audition?
120
00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:35,275
- Oh, Dotcom, I
think you're great.
121
00:04:35,567 --> 00:04:37,527
But no, I'm sorry, you can't.
122
00:04:37,819 --> 00:04:42,324
- I thank you for treating
my requests with respect.
123
00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:44,117
- Liz, I need to speak with you.
124
00:04:44,409 --> 00:04:46,369
- Beat it, Grizz or Dotcom.
125
00:04:46,661 --> 00:04:48,079
I saw your audition list.
126
00:04:48,371 --> 00:04:50,540
- What? Now, I
told Kenneth to...
127
00:04:50,832 --> 00:04:51,832
Luggage store Jenna.
128
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:54,085
- What are our options
besides Jayden Michael Tyler?
129
00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:57,172
- A lot of good people.
130
00:04:57,464 --> 00:04:57,881
- You're setting
him up to get it.
131
00:04:58,173 --> 00:04:59,733
What, you don't
think I know that trick?
132
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,200
You don't think
I've been brought in
133
00:05:01,259 --> 00:05:02,403
on a million auditions
just to make Kim Cattrall
134
00:05:02,427 --> 00:05:03,427
seem grounded and human?
135
00:05:03,512 --> 00:05:06,181
- Yes, fine, we're stacking
the deck for Jayden.
136
00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:07,742
Let me guess what
your problem is with him.
137
00:05:07,766 --> 00:05:10,185
He's a talented actor and
you're threatened by that.
138
00:05:10,477 --> 00:05:11,645
- No, I know him, Liz.
139
00:05:11,937 --> 00:05:13,563
We did a play
together 20 years ago,
140
00:05:13,855 --> 00:05:15,148
and we were best friends.
141
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,067
Until he betrayed me.
142
00:05:17,359 --> 00:05:19,279
- Hey, Jenna, congratulations
on your nomination.
143
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,112
For worst supporting bra!
144
00:05:21,404 --> 00:05:22,906
[Laughter]
145
00:05:23,198 --> 00:05:24,407
- What play is that?
146
00:05:24,699 --> 00:05:25,843
- I will not allow
this to happen.
147
00:05:25,867 --> 00:05:26,868
- Ugh.
148
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:30,080
This process is painful enough
without adding your crazy to it.
149
00:05:30,372 --> 00:05:30,747
- Too late.
150
00:05:31,039 --> 00:05:33,959
I'm getting that hot
feeling in my head.
151
00:05:34,251 --> 00:05:35,585
- [Sighs]
152
00:05:35,877 --> 00:05:39,089
- Hey, mom, it's Walter.
153
00:05:39,381 --> 00:05:41,526
I'm just calling to tell you
they cancelled the audition,
154
00:05:41,550 --> 00:05:43,593
so maybe pray on something else.
155
00:05:43,885 --> 00:05:46,596
- You can audition.
- I'll need a piano.
156
00:05:46,888 --> 00:05:48,139
- [Sighs]
157
00:05:56,398 --> 00:05:57,398
- What is this?
158
00:05:57,649 --> 00:05:59,025
- It's Cisco equipment, sir.
159
00:05:59,317 --> 00:06:00,717
It's almost better
than being there.
160
00:06:00,944 --> 00:06:02,529
- Is this because of my bedbugs?
161
00:06:02,821 --> 00:06:04,197
I will not be
ostracized like this.
162
00:06:04,489 --> 00:06:06,575
- Jack, bedbugs have become
an epidemic in New York.
163
00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:10,537
I just think that everyone
would feel more comfortable
164
00:06:10,829 --> 00:06:11,848
if you stayed in your office.
165
00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:13,915
You like the Cisco equipment?
166
00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:16,127
- Of course, it continues
to be the gold standard
167
00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:17,889
by which all business
technology is judged.
168
00:06:18,003 --> 00:06:20,255
Cisco, the human network.
169
00:06:20,547 --> 00:06:21,923
- This is what happens
170
00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:23,575
when you live
north of 62nd street.
171
00:06:23,633 --> 00:06:24,217
- You think I didn't hear that?
172
00:06:24,509 --> 00:06:26,928
I can hear your hair
growing on this thing.
173
00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:27,804
You are discriminating
against me.
174
00:06:28,096 --> 00:06:30,557
I am a human being.
175
00:06:30,849 --> 00:06:31,975
Did you just mute me?
176
00:06:32,267 --> 00:06:34,227
Did you just use
Cisco's cutting edge
177
00:06:34,519 --> 00:06:35,759
SureMute technology to mute me?
178
00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:37,606
- Because we've got
to have a united front.
179
00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:39,959
Bart said that if we go in
there with the numbers all set...
180
00:06:39,983 --> 00:06:42,103
- I'm gonna come to your
house and crawl into your bed
181
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:43,880
and I'm gonna bite you on
the ass, do you hear me?
182
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:45,464
- What do you mean,
Dotcom's auditioning?
183
00:06:45,488 --> 00:06:47,324
How dumb are you? Is
there anything in there?
184
00:06:47,616 --> 00:06:48,658
- Pete, stop it.
185
00:06:48,950 --> 00:06:50,219
You know my
fontanelle never closed.
186
00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:53,663
I tried to be strong, but I
just couldn't tell him no.
187
00:06:53,955 --> 00:06:55,332
And now I don't have to, see,
188
00:06:55,624 --> 00:06:56,976
because we're making
it Jack's decision.
189
00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:58,335
- Oh, we were,
190
00:06:58,627 --> 00:07:00,229
but now you've compromised
the Hornberger system.
191
00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:01,963
It's four people for a reason.
192
00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:02,881
The first guy
Jack's settling in,
193
00:07:03,173 --> 00:07:05,592
the second he hates,
the third is Jayden,
194
00:07:05,884 --> 00:07:07,969
the fourth proves
how good Jayden is.
195
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:10,197
The more people you
add, the less effective it is.
196
00:07:10,221 --> 00:07:11,532
Like a neighborhood
dad garage band.
197
00:07:11,556 --> 00:07:12,974
- Come on, it's just Dotcom.
198
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:16,102
- It won't be, because
this is what you're doing.
199
00:07:16,394 --> 00:07:17,896
- I'm driving a bus?
200
00:07:18,188 --> 00:07:20,398
- No, you're... You're
opening the floodgates.
201
00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:21,816
- With a horizontal wheel?
202
00:07:22,108 --> 00:07:23,428
- Floodgate wheels
are horizontal!
203
00:07:23,693 --> 00:07:24,903
It was all under control.
204
00:07:25,195 --> 00:07:28,448
Now everyone's gonna want
in and we can't stop them.
205
00:07:28,740 --> 00:07:29,908
- Hey, what the frak, nerds?
206
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,619
Pete told me you were only
looking at outside people.
207
00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:34,913
Now Dotcom's auditioning?
208
00:07:35,205 --> 00:07:36,805
- Frank, I know you're
a stand-up, but...
209
00:07:36,998 --> 00:07:38,249
- no "but." I want in.
210
00:07:38,541 --> 00:07:40,919
And I'm not changing my
act to fit your stupid show.
211
00:07:41,211 --> 00:07:43,588
- Mm-hmm.
212
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:45,840
- Liz, there you are.
213
00:07:46,132 --> 00:07:47,717
- I heard about this
whole Dotcom thing.
214
00:07:48,009 --> 00:07:50,011
I'm not saying I
want to audition,
215
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:54,057
but Nicky Motorulo from
Scotch Plains, New Jersey
216
00:07:54,349 --> 00:07:55,349
might be interested.
217
00:07:55,517 --> 00:07:57,769
'Ey, fuhgeddaboutit.
218
00:07:58,061 --> 00:08:01,606
- Actor emergency!
219
00:08:01,898 --> 00:08:02,607
- Where?
220
00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:03,608
- Here.
221
00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:06,486
Pete and Liz wanna
hire this guy Jayden.
222
00:08:06,778 --> 00:08:07,362
He's evil, Tracy.
223
00:08:07,654 --> 00:08:09,698
- He's evil Tracy?
224
00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:12,951
Oh, he's evil "comma" Tracy.
225
00:08:13,243 --> 00:08:14,244
Go on.
226
00:08:14,536 --> 00:08:16,955
- Pete and Liz are rigging it
to make sure he gets the job.
227
00:08:17,247 --> 00:08:18,641
Do you know who
else they're auditioning?
228
00:08:18,665 --> 00:08:20,417
A one-man band.
229
00:08:20,709 --> 00:08:22,335
Some old Australian, Dotcom.
230
00:08:22,627 --> 00:08:24,921
- Dotcom? Oh, no.
231
00:08:25,213 --> 00:08:26,965
I once saw that
guy become Trigorin
232
00:08:27,257 --> 00:08:28,383
at the Wesleyan Artspace.
233
00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:30,927
That guy is good. I
can't compete with him.
234
00:08:31,219 --> 00:08:32,219
- Okay.
235
00:08:32,387 --> 00:08:34,668
Then we have to make sure
neither one of them gets the job
236
00:08:34,806 --> 00:08:36,224
by finding better
actors ourselves.
237
00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:39,019
- Good idea. Let's go.
238
00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:52,574
- Call my car, I need to
go to the dermatologist.
239
00:08:52,866 --> 00:08:53,866
- I'm sorry, sir.
240
00:08:53,908 --> 00:08:56,953
But until you get this
bedbug situation fixed,
241
00:08:57,245 --> 00:08:58,597
they don't want you
using your company car.
242
00:08:58,621 --> 00:09:01,875
In fact, they
suggested you take...
243
00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:07,005
A taxicab!
244
00:09:07,297 --> 00:09:08,297
- Hey.
245
00:09:08,339 --> 00:09:09,758
Why are you scratching?
246
00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:11,676
You have mugabe's concubines.
247
00:09:11,968 --> 00:09:15,972
No, bedbugs!
248
00:09:27,150 --> 00:09:28,670
- Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen,
249
00:09:28,860 --> 00:09:30,500
I'm sorry you bother
you, my name is Jack.
250
00:09:30,653 --> 00:09:33,490
And I have bedbugs.
251
00:09:33,782 --> 00:09:37,285
I'm not a drug addict.
252
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:39,722
I am an executive with the
general electric corporation
253
00:09:39,746 --> 00:09:42,999
and I just need to
get my medicine.
254
00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:45,491
If someone could tell me
how to transfer to the 4 train,
255
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,796
I would be very grateful
to you for your help.
256
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:51,216
God bless you, and
have a good day.
257
00:09:54,886 --> 00:09:59,349
[Chattering, instruments tuning]
258
00:10:04,312 --> 00:10:05,396
- Happy?
259
00:10:05,688 --> 00:10:07,357
- No, not since I was a child.
260
00:10:07,649 --> 00:10:09,109
What is Kathy Geiss doing here?
261
00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:11,069
- Her father heard
about Brian Williams
262
00:10:11,361 --> 00:10:12,561
and insisted she get a chance.
263
00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:16,366
There's too many people here
for the Hornberger system, Liz.
264
00:10:16,658 --> 00:10:18,578
What if Jack actually
picks one of these weirdos?
265
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:19,970
Do you know the
Australian Jackie Mason
266
00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:21,955
was chemically castrated
by his government?
267
00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:23,665
- [Sighs]
- Liz. Pete.
268
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:25,875
- Jayden. You made it.
269
00:10:26,167 --> 00:10:29,003
- So this is my
competition, huh?
270
00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:30,295
- [Growls]
271
00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:32,674
- No! Bad!
272
00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:34,467
Sorry. It's a little
crazy here today.
273
00:10:34,759 --> 00:10:36,519
- Are you kidding? I'm
just happy to be here.
274
00:10:36,719 --> 00:10:39,472
This is corny, but will
you take a picture of me
275
00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:40,764
in front of the TGS sign?
276
00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:43,560
- Yes, of course.
277
00:10:43,852 --> 00:10:45,145
[Chuckles]
- Thanks.
278
00:10:45,436 --> 00:10:46,688
Maybe this will convince my mom
279
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:48,857
to stop sending me
law school applications.
280
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:50,149
[Liz and Pete laugh]
281
00:10:50,358 --> 00:10:51,836
- My mom used to
send me articles about
282
00:10:51,860 --> 00:10:54,696
how older virgins are
considered good luck in Mexico.
283
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:56,698
- Okay, well, I'll
see you onstage.
284
00:10:56,990 --> 00:11:00,618
I can't believe
this is happening.
285
00:11:00,910 --> 00:11:02,579
- Okay, this may
be a train wreck,
286
00:11:02,871 --> 00:11:04,911
but that is the body that
we need to pull out of it.
287
00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:05,707
- All right.
288
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:07,917
I'll rethink the system
and try to make it work.
289
00:11:08,209 --> 00:11:12,255
- Hey, at least we know
it can't get any worse.
290
00:11:16,843 --> 00:11:19,345
- If you are a funny gay
man, please get into the car.
291
00:11:19,637 --> 00:11:22,807
- I repeat, all funny
gays into the car.
292
00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:26,311
- I'm not gay. I'm
♪ bi-larious! ♪
293
00:11:26,603 --> 00:11:27,645
[Laughter]
294
00:11:31,316 --> 00:11:33,568
[Tires screech]
295
00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:35,153
- Black people,
296
00:11:35,445 --> 00:11:37,423
I know I've said some terrible
things about you in print.
297
00:11:37,447 --> 00:11:39,616
But I come here today
on a mission of peace.
298
00:11:39,908 --> 00:11:42,410
- We need the funniest
fool here to step forward.
299
00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:44,537
- Kolandra! Kolandra!
300
00:11:44,829 --> 00:11:46,581
Kolandra! Kolandra!
301
00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:48,875
Kolandra! Kolandra!
302
00:11:49,167 --> 00:11:51,169
- That'll work.
303
00:11:54,589 --> 00:11:56,358
- Good luck on your
audition. You're gonna get it.
304
00:11:56,382 --> 00:11:57,800
- Don't jinx me.
305
00:11:58,092 --> 00:11:59,802
- Walter, you're
going to get it.
306
00:12:00,094 --> 00:12:01,137
I made you something.
307
00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:02,847
- It's a seagull.
308
00:12:12,523 --> 00:12:13,691
- Oh, Mr. Donaghy.
309
00:12:13,983 --> 00:12:15,703
Did they make you
ride the freight elevator?
310
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,295
- I walked in your
shoes today, Kenneth.
311
00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:18,589
- I don't think you did, sir.
312
00:12:18,613 --> 00:12:21,699
I've just got the one
pair, and I sleep in them.
313
00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:23,711
- I fell to the bottom
of the pyramid today.
314
00:12:23,952 --> 00:12:25,662
Cast out of
society like a leper.
315
00:12:25,954 --> 00:12:27,598
No one will look at
me, let alone touch me.
316
00:12:27,622 --> 00:12:28,998
But you will, won't you?
317
00:12:29,290 --> 00:12:30,833
Make me feel human again.
318
00:12:31,125 --> 00:12:35,171
Embrace me, Kenneth.
319
00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:37,257
- I've got a thing.
320
00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:38,758
- Et tu, Kenneth?
321
00:12:49,352 --> 00:12:50,788
- It's just a math
equation, that's all.
322
00:12:50,812 --> 00:12:53,231
Just, okay... you put
two women in a row like...
323
00:12:53,523 --> 00:12:54,732
Who the hell are they?
324
00:12:55,024 --> 00:12:56,484
- These are some actors we found
325
00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,569
driving all over this
amazing vibrant city.
326
00:12:58,861 --> 00:13:01,281
- And this is a reimbursement
form for my gas.
327
00:13:01,572 --> 00:13:03,491
I drove a million miles.
328
00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:10,123
- Look.
329
00:13:10,415 --> 00:13:11,850
I don't know how you
dragged this idiot in
330
00:13:11,874 --> 00:13:12,542
on your paranoia...
331
00:13:12,834 --> 00:13:14,294
- paranoia? Where?
332
00:13:14,585 --> 00:13:15,044
- Ugh!
333
00:13:15,336 --> 00:13:17,213
You are not taking
away the one good thing
334
00:13:17,505 --> 00:13:19,549
that I get out of this
miserable process.
335
00:13:19,841 --> 00:13:21,986
- If you're talking about
hiring Jayden, you're insane.
336
00:13:22,010 --> 00:13:23,530
Just call anyone
he's ever worked with.
337
00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:24,803
- I did.
338
00:13:24,846 --> 00:13:26,431
I called every one
of his references,
339
00:13:26,723 --> 00:13:27,723
and they are impressive.
340
00:13:27,890 --> 00:13:29,976
A commercial with
Martin Scorsese,
341
00:13:30,268 --> 00:13:32,437
an off-Broadway play
with Christopher Walken.
342
00:13:32,729 --> 00:13:35,064
He's even studying
the Meisner technique
343
00:13:35,356 --> 00:13:36,566
with sir Gilbert gottfried.
344
00:13:36,858 --> 00:13:39,360
And they all said
the same thing.
345
00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:41,505
Scorsese: All right, let me
tell you one thing about Jayden.
346
00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:44,615
I love Jayden.
347
00:13:44,907 --> 00:13:47,410
Walken: I love Jayden.
348
00:13:47,702 --> 00:13:49,412
Gottfried: I love Jayden!
349
00:13:49,704 --> 00:13:51,539
- Was describing your
sandwich necessary
350
00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:53,458
to our understanding
of what happened?
351
00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:56,419
- None of your
actors are auditioning.
352
00:13:56,711 --> 00:13:58,022
The Hornberger
system will prevail.
353
00:13:58,046 --> 00:13:59,255
- Think again, Liz.
354
00:13:59,547 --> 00:14:00,907
The Hornberger
system will de-vail.
355
00:14:01,049 --> 00:14:02,342
Is that the opposite of prevail?
356
00:14:02,633 --> 00:14:05,595
- [Sighs]
357
00:14:05,887 --> 00:14:08,097
- I hoped it wouldn't
come to this.
358
00:14:08,389 --> 00:14:10,433
But now I have to ruin
Jayden psychologically.
359
00:14:10,725 --> 00:14:11,725
- Tell me more.
360
00:14:11,976 --> 00:14:13,061
- I'm gonna walk up to him
361
00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:14,538
and say the four
most vicious words
362
00:14:14,562 --> 00:14:16,242
you can say to a person
you've already met.
363
00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:17,940
"Nice to meet you."
364
00:14:18,232 --> 00:14:20,568
- And that freaks
people out, huh?
365
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:24,739
This is a learning and
friendship adventure.
366
00:14:25,531 --> 00:14:27,011
- Lemon, are you
ready to get started?
367
00:14:27,241 --> 00:14:28,401
- Yes, I just need one minute
368
00:14:28,576 --> 00:14:29,952
to send some of
these people home.
369
00:14:30,244 --> 00:14:31,287
- Really?
370
00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:32,890
You're just going to kick
all of them to the curb
371
00:14:32,914 --> 00:14:34,248
like so much human garbage?
372
00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:37,126
Why are you being so
cold and dispassionate?
373
00:14:37,418 --> 00:14:39,128
- What? Because you told me to.
374
00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:40,731
- And you just blindly
do whatever I say?
375
00:14:40,755 --> 00:14:41,755
What are you, a robot?
376
00:14:41,923 --> 00:14:44,509
- You also told
me to be a robot.
377
00:14:44,801 --> 00:14:45,468
What is going on with you?
378
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,512
- I have bedbugs.
379
00:14:47,804 --> 00:14:49,782
And these bedbugs have
chewed the blinders off my eyes.
380
00:14:49,806 --> 00:14:52,016
These are all people,
Lemon. With feelings.
381
00:14:52,308 --> 00:14:53,308
- Grr!
382
00:14:53,476 --> 00:14:55,596
- And they all get a chance.
They all get to audition.
383
00:14:55,686 --> 00:14:59,982
Anyone who wants to audition,
just give your name to Pete.
384
00:15:00,274 --> 00:15:02,276
- Anthony Decicco.
385
00:15:02,568 --> 00:15:05,488
I'll need an Obama wig.
386
00:15:06,697 --> 00:15:09,409
Frank Rossitano.
Queens, New York.
387
00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:12,995
I guess dreams can come true.
388
00:15:13,287 --> 00:15:15,289
So last weekend,
I was at the mall,
389
00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:17,333
but then I went to
the beach [bleep]
390
00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:18,625
With my niece's friend
391
00:15:18,793 --> 00:15:21,671
and then I [bleep]
at the pool party.
392
00:15:21,963 --> 00:15:24,340
- Mm-hmm.
393
00:15:24,632 --> 00:15:26,509
Mm.
394
00:15:26,801 --> 00:15:29,095
- For my first character,
I'd like to do an Old Janitor
395
00:15:29,387 --> 00:15:33,599
who's finally had enough
and stabs everybody!
396
00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:36,686
- Hello, I'm Jenna Maroney.
397
00:15:36,978 --> 00:15:38,455
- Oh, hi, I'm Jayden,
nice to meet you.
398
00:15:38,479 --> 00:15:40,982
- How dare you pretend
you don't remember me!
399
00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:42,668
I'm the one who
doesn't remember you!
400
00:15:42,692 --> 00:15:46,696
- Josh Gerard. Former
TGS cast member.
401
00:15:46,988 --> 00:15:49,490
Then some movie
work. That didn't pan out.
402
00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:52,160
Then my agent dropped
me. Then a web short.
403
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:55,288
Where they made
me do guy-guy stuff.
404
00:15:55,580 --> 00:15:58,249
Oh, god, forgive me!
405
00:15:58,541 --> 00:15:59,901
I call this character
smelly belly.
406
00:16:00,168 --> 00:16:03,254
- Good evening, we are
laugh of the mohicans.
407
00:16:03,546 --> 00:16:05,131
Our first bit is
the Hamburglar...
408
00:16:05,423 --> 00:16:06,423
- no!
409
00:16:06,674 --> 00:16:08,819
- Toofer and Lutz didn't tell
me they were gonna go together.
410
00:16:08,843 --> 00:16:10,428
This throws off
the whole system.
411
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:12,597
I gotta find one more.
412
00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:18,227
- Hey, Dotcom. Nice to meet you.
413
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:20,104
- Why would he say that to me?
414
00:16:20,396 --> 00:16:22,273
- Have you ever
wondered what happens
415
00:16:22,565 --> 00:16:24,400
in the refrigerator
after the light goes off?
416
00:16:24,692 --> 00:16:25,692
Does the milk say,
417
00:16:25,860 --> 00:16:26,962
"let's go down to
the crisper drawer
418
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:28,070
and make trouble"?
419
00:16:28,362 --> 00:16:31,157
I don't know. Fuhgeddaboutit.
420
00:16:33,576 --> 00:16:36,412
- You wanna be on a TV show?
421
00:16:36,704 --> 00:16:38,372
Come on.
422
00:16:38,664 --> 00:16:40,458
Come on, come on.
423
00:16:40,750 --> 00:16:43,377
- Growing up in Bed-Stuy,
there was a certain music
424
00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:45,421
to the way people talked.
425
00:16:45,713 --> 00:16:47,048
"Hey, Papi
426
00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:48,341
whatchoo doin'?"
427
00:16:48,633 --> 00:16:51,427
I'm sorry, can I start over?
428
00:16:51,719 --> 00:16:54,597
Someone really messed with
my head right before I came on.
429
00:16:54,889 --> 00:16:57,016
- ♪ I dreamed that love ♪
430
00:16:57,308 --> 00:17:01,354
♪ would never die ♪
431
00:17:01,646 --> 00:17:02,355
♪ I dreamed that god ♪
432
00:17:02,647 --> 00:17:05,942
♪ would be forgiving ♪
433
00:17:06,234 --> 00:17:12,073
- [Mechanical sounds]
434
00:17:13,366 --> 00:17:16,035
- Okay. Here we
go. You can do it.
435
00:17:16,327 --> 00:17:17,567
- Hi, I'm Jayden Michael Tyler.
436
00:17:17,787 --> 00:17:19,330
My first piece will
be a dinner party
437
00:17:19,622 --> 00:17:21,582
at Martin Scorsese's house
with Christopher Walken
438
00:17:21,624 --> 00:17:23,000
and Gilbert gottfried.
- What?
439
00:17:23,292 --> 00:17:26,045
- [As Christopher Walken]
Thank you for inviting us,
440
00:17:26,337 --> 00:17:28,089
Martin.
441
00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:28,965
- [As Gilbert gottfried]
I brought wine!
442
00:17:29,257 --> 00:17:32,385
- [Wheezing laughter]
- Son of a bitch.
443
00:17:32,677 --> 00:17:36,222
I was talking to you
on the phone, wasn't I?
444
00:17:36,514 --> 00:17:37,223
- What?
445
00:17:37,515 --> 00:17:39,475
- [Poorly impersonating
Walken] Give... It up.
446
00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:42,353
I figured out... Your game.
447
00:17:42,645 --> 00:17:44,564
- Congratulations.
448
00:17:44,855 --> 00:17:47,233
Your show is so stupid, I
thought you would be too.
449
00:17:47,525 --> 00:17:49,605
- I can't believe I went
through all of this for you.
450
00:17:49,652 --> 00:17:50,111
I fought for you, Jayden,
451
00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:52,363
and now I'm gonna
have to start all over.
452
00:17:52,655 --> 00:17:53,030
- No, you don't.
453
00:17:53,322 --> 00:17:55,658
You're giving me the
job no matter what.
454
00:17:55,950 --> 00:17:58,244
Because your fingerprints
are all over my camera.
455
00:17:58,536 --> 00:17:59,912
- So?
456
00:18:00,204 --> 00:18:01,289
- So?
457
00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:03,165
You said you'd only hire me
458
00:18:03,457 --> 00:18:05,097
if I let you take
pictures of my genitals.
459
00:18:05,293 --> 00:18:07,169
- Oh, no!
460
00:18:07,461 --> 00:18:08,461
What is wrong with them?
461
00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:12,049
Jenna was right.
You're totally crazy.
462
00:18:12,341 --> 00:18:15,261
- Would a crazy
person laugh like this?
463
00:18:15,553 --> 00:18:19,348
[Maniacal laughter]
464
00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:25,313
- [Mechanical sounds]
465
00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:27,583
- You can use the regular
elevators around the corner.
466
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,233
You're the one who's human here.
467
00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:30,985
- [Despondent intonation]
468
00:18:31,277 --> 00:18:32,361
- Well said.
469
00:18:32,653 --> 00:18:34,989
- Jenna, you're
right. He's crazy.
470
00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:36,281
We can't hire him.
471
00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:38,200
- Who, Brian Williams?
- No, Jayden.
472
00:18:38,492 --> 00:18:40,244
I'm sorry I doubted you.
473
00:18:40,536 --> 00:18:41,638
It's just that you've
never been right before.
474
00:18:41,662 --> 00:18:43,372
About anything.
475
00:18:43,664 --> 00:18:45,249
- I know.
476
00:18:45,541 --> 00:18:47,335
- I gotta find Jack.
477
00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:49,187
Tell him we didn't find anyone
and we have to start over.
478
00:18:49,211 --> 00:18:52,590
- My two cents?
I liked the janitor.
479
00:18:55,843 --> 00:18:58,471
- I'd never been to
an audition before.
480
00:18:58,763 --> 00:18:59,430
It was upsetting.
481
00:18:59,722 --> 00:19:02,308
A grotesque carnival
of human misery.
482
00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:04,200
- To be fair, I did
not think Kathy Geiss
483
00:19:04,352 --> 00:19:06,246
was gonna finish her song
by taking off her underpants.
484
00:19:06,270 --> 00:19:08,189
- However, the process
was a pleasant reminder
485
00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:10,941
that some of us are, in
fact, better than others.
486
00:19:11,233 --> 00:19:12,985
There was one clear
standout in my opinion.
487
00:19:13,277 --> 00:19:14,320
- No, I know.
488
00:19:14,612 --> 00:19:15,881
He was my favorite
too, but we can't.
489
00:19:15,905 --> 00:19:18,240
He's crazy. We
have to start over.
490
00:19:18,532 --> 00:19:19,732
- All actors are crazy, Lemon,
491
00:19:19,909 --> 00:19:21,928
and the more talented
they are, the crazier they are.
492
00:19:21,952 --> 00:19:23,232
I mean, look at Jenna and Tracy.
493
00:19:23,412 --> 00:19:25,206
They handed in a
check request form
494
00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:29,293
for $600,000 worth of gas.
495
00:19:29,585 --> 00:19:31,313
Your job is to manage the
crazy and bring out the talent.
496
00:19:31,337 --> 00:19:34,173
- Crazy is one thing,
he's a psychopath.
497
00:19:34,465 --> 00:19:35,484
- You're wrong.
He's a good person.
498
00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:36,708
And this conversation is over.
499
00:19:36,884 --> 00:19:39,095
We're hiring the robot.
500
00:19:39,387 --> 00:19:43,057
- The robot... Is
the guy that you like.
501
00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:47,103
And you think he's
the best... Because?
502
00:19:47,395 --> 00:19:48,789
- Because he was
the only one of them,
503
00:19:48,813 --> 00:19:51,107
the only person in New York
that would shake the hand
504
00:19:51,399 --> 00:19:52,441
of a man with bedbugs.
505
00:19:52,733 --> 00:19:55,277
Lemon, we're not
just hiring an actor.
506
00:19:55,569 --> 00:19:58,114
We're hiring a
coworker, a human being,
507
00:19:58,406 --> 00:19:59,073
and I say we hire the one
508
00:19:59,365 --> 00:20:01,701
who lives by the
code of the robot.
509
00:20:01,992 --> 00:20:05,996
Care. Love. Live.
510
00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:07,957
- Okay.
511
00:20:08,249 --> 00:20:10,543
So instead of
starting from scratch,
512
00:20:10,835 --> 00:20:12,503
we are hiring the robot.
513
00:20:12,795 --> 00:20:16,257
On the show. To act.
514
00:20:20,386 --> 00:20:23,097
Boy, I hope he speaks English.
515
00:20:23,389 --> 00:20:25,015
Yikes.
516
00:20:28,894 --> 00:20:30,334
- ♪ This little light
of mine, lord ♪
517
00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:31,689
All: ♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪
518
00:20:31,981 --> 00:20:35,317
♪ whoa, this little
light of mine, lord ♪
519
00:20:35,609 --> 00:20:37,653
♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪
520
00:20:37,945 --> 00:20:40,281
♪ this little light
of mine, lord ♪
521
00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:42,199
♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪
522
00:20:42,491 --> 00:20:44,660
♪ every day, every day ♪
523
00:20:44,952 --> 00:20:47,997
♪ let it shine ♪
524
00:20:48,289 --> 00:20:50,499
♪ every day, every day ♪
525
00:20:50,791 --> 00:20:52,001
♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪
526
00:20:52,293 --> 00:20:55,421
♪ oh, every day, every day ♪
527
00:20:55,713 --> 00:20:57,715
♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪
528
00:20:58,007 --> 00:21:00,259
♪ every day, every day ♪
529
00:21:00,551 --> 00:21:02,303
♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪
530
00:21:02,595 --> 00:21:04,972
♪ every day, every day ♪
531
00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:09,518
♪ let it shine ♪
38704
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