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1
00:00:02,461 --> 00:00:05,047
- [Sighs]
2
00:00:07,257 --> 00:00:08,467
Oh.
3
00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:15,891
- Now, remind
me, did you just do
4
00:00:16,183 --> 00:00:17,263
the Philadelphia cotillion,
5
00:00:17,392 --> 00:00:18,936
or did you also
debut internationally?
6
00:00:19,228 --> 00:00:21,028
- I'm happy to say that
I don't even get that.
7
00:00:21,313 --> 00:00:22,332
- How was your trip?
- Terrible.
8
00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:24,483
I had to give up my window
seat to some seven-year-old
9
00:00:24,775 --> 00:00:26,527
who had to sit next to
her precious mommy.
10
00:00:26,818 --> 00:00:28,695
- What about the actual
purpose of your trip?
11
00:00:28,987 --> 00:00:30,840
How is the search for the
new cast member going?
12
00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:32,908
- Okay. I saw a few
good alternative comics
13
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:34,200
in San Francisco.
14
00:00:34,451 --> 00:00:35,702
- San Francisco?
15
00:00:35,994 --> 00:00:37,914
I asked you to find an
actor from middle america,
16
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:39,164
a real person.
17
00:00:39,456 --> 00:00:40,576
You're not going to find him
18
00:00:40,707 --> 00:00:42,387
in the people's
gay-public of drug-ifornia.
19
00:00:42,501 --> 00:00:43,585
- Jeez, relax.
20
00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:45,477
I'm also setting up
auditions in Toronto.
21
00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:46,712
- Canada?
22
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:48,280
[Chuckling] Why
not just go to Iraq?
23
00:00:48,423 --> 00:00:49,823
The television
audience doesn't want
24
00:00:49,925 --> 00:00:52,386
your elitist east coast,
alternative, intellectual,
25
00:00:52,678 --> 00:00:53,905
left-wing...
- Jack, just say Jewish.
26
00:00:53,929 --> 00:00:54,596
This is taking forever.
27
00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:56,074
- Stop trying to amuse yourself
28
00:00:56,098 --> 00:00:57,283
and start thinking
about what makes
29
00:00:57,307 --> 00:01:00,060
actual human beings laugh.
30
00:01:00,352 --> 00:01:02,771
- Who wants... my puddings!
31
00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:05,566
[Laughter]
32
00:01:05,857 --> 00:01:07,776
- Now that's what
I'm talking about.
33
00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:10,529
- What a dumb... Oh,
no, he's really hurt.
34
00:01:10,821 --> 00:01:12,739
- Hey, Tracy, did you hear?
35
00:01:13,031 --> 00:01:14,825
Fred Dawkins, the
incredibly overweight guy
36
00:01:15,117 --> 00:01:17,703
that pac-man was
based on died last night.
37
00:01:17,995 --> 00:01:20,038
- I will eat a bowl of cherries
and some ghost meat
38
00:01:20,330 --> 00:01:21,748
in his honor.
39
00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:23,101
Orange and black decorations?
40
00:01:23,125 --> 00:01:25,794
Is this Halloween or
Princeton parents' weekend?
41
00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:28,505
I don't know whether to be
scared or proud of my cousin.
42
00:01:28,797 --> 00:01:31,091
- It's Halloween, sir.
- Proud it is.
43
00:01:31,383 --> 00:01:32,884
- But this "almost
all saints' day"
44
00:01:33,176 --> 00:01:34,616
isn't gonna be much
of a celebration.
45
00:01:34,886 --> 00:01:35,470
I just heard
46
00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:38,015
that world-famous clog
dancer Jugbert Cody
47
00:01:38,307 --> 00:01:39,850
has gone to a better place.
48
00:01:40,142 --> 00:01:41,226
- He's in cabo?
49
00:01:41,518 --> 00:01:42,978
- No, sir. He passed away.
50
00:01:43,270 --> 00:01:45,606
But at least he died
doing what he loved...
51
00:01:45,897 --> 00:01:47,733
Blogging on the huffington post.
52
00:01:48,025 --> 00:01:50,652
- Wow. Two down, one to go.
53
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:51,944
- What do you mean?
54
00:01:51,987 --> 00:01:52,988
- The rule of threes...
55
00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:54,920
Celebrities always
die in groups of three.
56
00:01:55,157 --> 00:01:56,742
You better be careful, tray.
57
00:01:57,034 --> 00:01:57,743
- Yeah, right.
58
00:01:58,035 --> 00:02:00,162
That's not a real thing.
59
00:02:04,875 --> 00:02:06,335
[Breathing rapidly]
60
00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:09,067
This is gonna be the scariest
Princeton parents' weekend ever!
61
00:02:09,212 --> 00:02:12,341
[Exciting jazz music]
62
00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:20,474
♪ ♪
63
00:02:29,775 --> 00:02:32,611
- Hey, I read your rewrite.
64
00:02:36,198 --> 00:02:37,616
Start over, you hack!
65
00:02:37,908 --> 00:02:39,701
- Miss Maroney, are you okay?
66
00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:40,369
- Oh, I'm fine.
67
00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:42,537
Just reminding the
writers who's boss.
68
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:44,029
With this new actor coming in,
69
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:45,957
I want to make sure
I get taken care of.
70
00:02:46,249 --> 00:02:48,335
I'm not gonna be pushed
aside and forgotten,
71
00:02:48,627 --> 00:02:50,671
like that time at
my sister's funeral.
72
00:02:50,962 --> 00:02:52,815
- Ma'am, I don't think
bullying people is the way
73
00:02:52,839 --> 00:02:53,548
to get them to help you.
74
00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:54,840
- This is show business.
75
00:02:55,092 --> 00:02:56,551
Being nice gets you nowhere.
76
00:02:56,843 --> 00:02:59,596
- No. Being nice can
get you everywhere.
77
00:02:59,888 --> 00:03:02,557
Florence Henderson
used to bake cookies
78
00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:03,433
for the Brady bunch writers.
79
00:03:03,725 --> 00:03:05,102
And, in return,
80
00:03:05,394 --> 00:03:07,604
they wrote her the
role of a lifetime,
81
00:03:07,896 --> 00:03:10,107
as her own grandma Hutchins.
82
00:03:10,399 --> 00:03:12,039
- I don't really remember
the Brady bunch,
83
00:03:12,109 --> 00:03:14,569
'cause I was too young.
84
00:03:17,614 --> 00:03:20,409
But being nice to the writers...
85
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:22,077
Interesting idea.
86
00:03:22,369 --> 00:03:24,746
- [Whispering] Think about it.
87
00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:26,581
[Knock at door] Excuse
me, Mr. Donaghy.
88
00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:28,393
I wasn't sure if you
were participating
89
00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:30,502
in this year's
pumpkin-carving contest,
90
00:03:30,794 --> 00:03:31,794
or, if like last year,
91
00:03:31,837 --> 00:03:33,380
I should go jump up my own ass.
92
00:03:33,672 --> 00:03:34,672
- Same as last year.
93
00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:37,092
Uh, hang on.
94
00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:39,386
Kenneth, you're from
Georgia, aren't you?
95
00:03:39,678 --> 00:03:40,678
- Stone mountain, sir.
96
00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:43,098
Although when the Parcells
first came to america,
97
00:03:43,390 --> 00:03:46,435
they lived in a town
called sexcriminalboat.
98
00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:48,103
Do you think that's cherokee?
99
00:03:48,395 --> 00:03:50,689
- Uh, no, I mean, you're
a middle American,
100
00:03:50,981 --> 00:03:52,441
a Joe average.
101
00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:53,876
You're the only one around here
102
00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:56,486
who knows what
ordinary people want.
103
00:03:56,778 --> 00:03:57,778
So tell me...
104
00:03:57,904 --> 00:03:59,114
What makes you laugh?
105
00:03:59,406 --> 00:04:01,199
- The usual, I suppose.
106
00:04:01,491 --> 00:04:04,327
Two hobos sharing a bean...
107
00:04:04,619 --> 00:04:06,288
Lady airline pilots.
108
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:08,373
[Laughs]
109
00:04:08,665 --> 00:04:10,375
I remember, growing
up in stone mountain,
110
00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:13,086
my whole family would
go down to the chuckle hut.
111
00:04:13,378 --> 00:04:14,618
- That's the local comedy club?
112
00:04:14,713 --> 00:04:15,255
- Oh, no, sir.
113
00:04:15,547 --> 00:04:17,340
It's a chuckle hut.
114
00:04:17,632 --> 00:04:19,312
You see, the chuckle
is the part of the pig
115
00:04:19,342 --> 00:04:20,677
between the tail and the anus.
116
00:04:20,969 --> 00:04:23,138
But at night, the chuckle hut
117
00:04:23,430 --> 00:04:25,182
becomes the laugh factory,
118
00:04:25,474 --> 00:04:27,434
and that's a comedy club.
119
00:04:29,227 --> 00:04:31,313
- Lemon, cancel
your trip to Toronto.
120
00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:33,315
We're going to stone
mountain, Georgia.
121
00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:35,734
- After these messages?
122
00:04:40,363 --> 00:04:42,240
- Hey, Frank, what is this?
123
00:04:42,532 --> 00:04:46,036
- It's an e-vite to
our Halloween party.
124
00:04:46,328 --> 00:04:47,621
- I don't want to do that again.
125
00:04:47,913 --> 00:04:49,539
Remember last year?
126
00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:53,210
- Hey, I work across the street,
127
00:04:53,502 --> 00:04:55,504
and I saw you guys are
having a Halloween party.
128
00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:57,214
- Yeah, we are.
129
00:04:57,506 --> 00:04:58,706
- Could you close your blinds?
130
00:04:58,757 --> 00:05:01,426
You're really
bumming all of us out.
131
00:05:01,718 --> 00:05:03,386
- It's humiliating.
132
00:05:03,678 --> 00:05:05,388
- Guys, we can't
give up on Halloween.
133
00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:07,682
It's a magical night
where women dress slutty
134
00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:08,974
and drink too much,
135
00:05:09,017 --> 00:05:12,020
where we can hide our
bodies in bulky costumes.
136
00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:13,605
We've got to keep trying.
137
00:05:13,897 --> 00:05:15,398
- But we suck.
138
00:05:15,690 --> 00:05:18,151
- Yes, but anything can
happen on Halloween.
139
00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:20,320
Up is down. Black is white.
140
00:05:20,612 --> 00:05:22,280
Good is evil. And evil...
141
00:05:22,572 --> 00:05:23,572
Becomes good.
142
00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:24,657
- Hey, writers.
143
00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:26,535
I baked you cookies.
144
00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:30,663
- Jack!
145
00:05:30,747 --> 00:05:32,249
You have to help me.
146
00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:33,541
I'm gonna die any minute.
147
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:34,811
- What are you talking about?
148
00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:35,377
- Celebrities.
149
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,295
They always die
in groups of three.
150
00:05:37,587 --> 00:05:38,588
Two already died,
151
00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:40,298
and I might be the next to go.
152
00:05:40,590 --> 00:05:41,299
- That's ridiculous.
153
00:05:41,591 --> 00:05:42,591
- I got to go somewhere
154
00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:44,010
where nothing will happen to me.
155
00:05:44,302 --> 00:05:46,012
Can you get me on Charlie Rose?
156
00:05:46,304 --> 00:05:47,824
- Tracy, you have
nothing to worry about.
157
00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:50,058
The rule of threes is a
myth that doesn't exist,
158
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:51,601
like going bald with dignity.
159
00:05:51,893 --> 00:05:56,356
That said, I would prefer
if you take the next one.
160
00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,252
- So this all started
when their plane crashed?
161
00:05:59,276 --> 00:06:00,276
- That's lost.
162
00:06:00,443 --> 00:06:00,944
- Oh, right.
163
00:06:01,236 --> 00:06:03,947
You know, I met
J.J. Abrams once.
164
00:06:04,239 --> 00:06:05,519
And I don't know
what this means,
165
00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:09,578
but he said the island
is just Hurley's dream.
166
00:06:10,453 --> 00:06:12,539
- Why is Jenna
hanging out with us?
167
00:06:12,831 --> 00:06:14,809
- 'Cause she's freaking out
about the new cast member.
168
00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:16,334
So she's trying to suck up.
169
00:06:16,626 --> 00:06:17,906
- I don't like
having her around.
170
00:06:18,128 --> 00:06:19,128
- Don't worry.
171
00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:20,690
We'll get rid of her,
one prank at a time.
172
00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:23,008
- There my buddies are.
173
00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:24,300
[Door closes]
174
00:06:24,509 --> 00:06:27,804
Oh, wow, they painted
the ceiling in here.
175
00:06:28,096 --> 00:06:28,555
[Chuckles]
176
00:06:28,847 --> 00:06:29,890
- We're going to find
177
00:06:30,181 --> 00:06:32,017
the perfect person for
the show down here,
178
00:06:32,309 --> 00:06:34,519
someone who represents
the real america.
179
00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:36,479
- Jack, for the 80th time,
180
00:06:36,771 --> 00:06:38,481
no part of america
is more American
181
00:06:38,773 --> 00:06:39,816
than any other part.
182
00:06:40,108 --> 00:06:41,276
- You are wrong.
183
00:06:41,568 --> 00:06:43,361
Small towns are where
you see the kindness
184
00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:46,323
and goodness and courage
of everyday Americans...
185
00:06:46,615 --> 00:06:48,015
The folks who are
teaching our kids,
186
00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:50,285
running our prisons,
growing our cigarettes...
187
00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:54,122
People who are still living
by core American values.
188
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,541
- There are plenty of
core American values
189
00:06:56,833 --> 00:06:57,833
in New York.
190
00:06:58,084 --> 00:07:00,795
But there are not restaurants
called fatty fat sandwich ranch.
191
00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:02,380
Turn here. Turn here!
192
00:07:02,672 --> 00:07:05,800
[Tires squeal]
193
00:07:06,092 --> 00:07:08,012
- Lemon, if this is going
to play out like lunch,
194
00:07:08,303 --> 00:07:09,663
I suggest you crack
your window now
195
00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:12,057
and save yourself the
embarrassment in 20 minutes.
196
00:07:12,349 --> 00:07:14,809
Now, they have
hush puppies here,
197
00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:18,104
which you might know
better as a knish or a beignet.
198
00:07:18,396 --> 00:07:20,065
- I know what you're
trying to do, Jack.
199
00:07:20,357 --> 00:07:22,150
You want to paint me
as this New York snob.
200
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:24,069
Can I share with
you my world view?
201
00:07:24,361 --> 00:07:26,081
- I'd rather hear you
sing rocket man again.
202
00:07:26,237 --> 00:07:30,075
- All of humankind has
one thing in common...
203
00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:31,785
The sandwich.
204
00:07:32,077 --> 00:07:35,288
I believe that all anyone
really wants in this life
205
00:07:35,580 --> 00:07:38,166
is to sit in peace
and eat a sandwich.
206
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:40,669
- What a surprise... Your
world view is food-based.
207
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:44,005
- And who am I to say
that my delicious Italian sub
208
00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:46,967
is better than its stone
mountain equivalent?
209
00:07:47,258 --> 00:07:50,929
Which is why I will
have the carp po'boy
210
00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:53,098
with extra chuckle.
211
00:07:57,352 --> 00:07:58,812
- Keep refreshing.
212
00:07:59,104 --> 00:08:00,984
Maybe Andy dick has
died in the last 20 seconds.
213
00:08:01,272 --> 00:08:03,733
- Okay, I'll keep looking.
214
00:08:04,025 --> 00:08:06,945
- No, I have to take
matters into my own hands.
215
00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:10,240
[Phone ringing]
216
00:08:10,532 --> 00:08:11,074
- Hello?
217
00:08:11,366 --> 00:08:13,118
- Boo!
- Who is this?
218
00:08:15,203 --> 00:08:16,663
- Hey, Betty, it's T.J.
219
00:08:16,955 --> 00:08:18,581
- Tracy!
220
00:08:18,873 --> 00:08:21,193
I haven't seen you since that
rapping-grandma movie we did.
221
00:08:21,459 --> 00:08:25,088
[Laughing] You were so
funny as the rapping grandma.
222
00:08:25,380 --> 00:08:26,715
- So how are you feeling?
223
00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:28,007
Any arm pain?
224
00:08:28,174 --> 00:08:29,592
Shortness of breath?
225
00:08:29,884 --> 00:08:32,053
Plans to investigate
corruption in Russia?
226
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:33,930
- Wait a minute.
227
00:08:34,222 --> 00:08:36,766
Are you calling
because the pac-man guy
228
00:08:37,058 --> 00:08:38,935
and Jugbert Cody died?
229
00:08:39,227 --> 00:08:40,895
Is this a "rule of threes" call?
230
00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:43,023
- Um, no.
231
00:08:43,314 --> 00:08:43,773
- Nice try, Jordan,
232
00:08:44,065 --> 00:08:46,317
but I am going to
be at your funeral.
233
00:08:46,609 --> 00:08:49,112
I will Bury you.
234
00:08:49,404 --> 00:08:50,780
[Phone beeps]
235
00:08:51,072 --> 00:08:53,742
[Dial tone]
236
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,470
- Oh, this carp
sandwich is not agreeing
237
00:08:56,494 --> 00:08:58,014
with my world view.
- Hello, there, folks.
238
00:08:58,038 --> 00:09:00,248
How y'all doing on
this fine October...
239
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:02,380
- we have reservations
under Donaghy and Lemon,
240
00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:03,168
and we need keys.
241
00:09:03,460 --> 00:09:04,878
- Are y'all from New York?
242
00:09:05,170 --> 00:09:06,296
- Yes. How can you tell?
243
00:09:06,588 --> 00:09:09,841
- New York people,
always in a real big...
244
00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:11,133
- Hurry, yeah.
245
00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:12,984
No, it's not because
we're from New York.
246
00:09:13,094 --> 00:09:14,294
We're all the same sandwiches.
247
00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:16,056
[Liz's stomach
whimpers like a dog]
248
00:09:16,347 --> 00:09:17,616
- You all have a
beagle with you?
249
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,934
- Just give us our rooms.
250
00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:22,103
- [Mutters]
251
00:09:25,273 --> 00:09:27,734
- Oh, my god.
252
00:09:28,026 --> 00:09:29,386
- Tell me about
the peach festival.
253
00:09:29,527 --> 00:09:31,154
- Oh, peach festival...
254
00:09:31,446 --> 00:09:33,907
They got peach
preserves, of course,
255
00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:36,868
peach pie, peach wine,
256
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:38,661
peach jerky...
- Ooh.
257
00:09:38,953 --> 00:09:40,872
- Peach butter...
- [Growls]
258
00:09:41,164 --> 00:09:44,000
Unbelievable.
- I have to apologize.
259
00:09:44,292 --> 00:09:46,020
You know what they should
do with people like her?
260
00:09:46,044 --> 00:09:48,230
They should round them all
up and put them on an island.
261
00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:49,714
Oh, wait, they already have.
262
00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:51,800
It's called Manhattan. [Laughs]
263
00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:55,595
- Down here we call
it sexcriminalboat.
264
00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:58,723
- Maybe spend some
Photoshop there.
265
00:09:59,015 --> 00:09:59,641
Hey, Frank.
266
00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:00,933
Do you know Sacha,
267
00:10:01,017 --> 00:10:02,685
Michael, and gay Michael?
268
00:10:02,977 --> 00:10:06,189
- Can I ask you a question?
269
00:10:06,481 --> 00:10:08,108
Why?
- [Chuckles]
270
00:10:10,819 --> 00:10:14,072
- Oh, god, it's bad enough
having Jenna hang out here.
271
00:10:14,364 --> 00:10:16,825
Now she's bringing her friends?
272
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:19,869
How can a dude in a midriff
top dominate me like that?
273
00:10:20,161 --> 00:10:21,204
- I like those guys.
274
00:10:21,496 --> 00:10:23,015
I might hang out with
them on Halloween.
275
00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:24,039
- What? Why?
276
00:10:24,249 --> 00:10:25,643
- Have you ever been
to a gay Halloween?
277
00:10:25,667 --> 00:10:27,293
It's amazing.
278
00:10:27,585 --> 00:10:30,213
Last year my girlfriends and I
went to Mario Cantone's party
279
00:10:30,505 --> 00:10:32,257
in a renovated barn in Chelsea.
280
00:10:32,549 --> 00:10:35,135
- So that's where all the
girls are on Halloween...
281
00:10:35,426 --> 00:10:38,012
At awesome gay-dude parties.
282
00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:40,181
- Oh, my god, we go so crazy.
283
00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:43,601
We kiss each other,
get into vans, black out.
284
00:10:43,893 --> 00:10:47,647
I mean, I'm engaged,
but not on Halloween.
285
00:10:50,525 --> 00:10:51,609
- Stop!
286
00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:53,611
Stop filling Jenna's
wigs with raw shrimp.
287
00:10:53,903 --> 00:10:54,903
- Why?
288
00:10:54,946 --> 00:10:56,423
- We need to pretend
to be Jenna's friends
289
00:10:56,447 --> 00:10:57,574
for the next 24 hours.
290
00:10:57,866 --> 00:11:01,661
She's our ticket to
a gay Halloween.
291
00:11:01,953 --> 00:11:04,140
- How come when Jenna
suggests it, everybody's on board?
292
00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:06,583
- No, Lutz. Jenna
attracts gay guys.
293
00:11:06,875 --> 00:11:10,420
Gay guys throw awesome
Halloween parties.
294
00:11:10,712 --> 00:11:13,548
Hot girls go to awesome
Halloween parties.
295
00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:16,426
Ergo, if we're
Jenna's friends...
296
00:11:16,718 --> 00:11:17,758
Both: We spend Halloween...
297
00:11:17,969 --> 00:11:21,723
- With hot girls.
- With gay guys... hot girls.
298
00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:24,684
- God, are you doing this to me
299
00:11:24,976 --> 00:11:27,103
'cause I took that
blind guy's hot dog?
300
00:11:27,395 --> 00:11:28,938
- [Coughs]
301
00:11:29,230 --> 00:11:30,648
- Who was at the door?
302
00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:33,651
- You probably know him as
"hick at the reception desk,"
303
00:11:33,943 --> 00:11:35,653
but his name is Travis Hoagle,
304
00:11:35,945 --> 00:11:39,824
and, uh, he brought you
something for your stomach.
305
00:11:40,116 --> 00:11:42,035
- [Grunts] What is this?
306
00:11:42,327 --> 00:11:43,494
"Peppy Bismilk"?
307
00:11:43,786 --> 00:11:46,414
Why is everything
a little different here?
308
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:47,706
I hate it!
- You hate it?
309
00:11:47,874 --> 00:11:49,542
You hate Travis Hoagle...
310
00:11:49,834 --> 00:11:51,669
Choir member,
desert storm veteran,
311
00:11:51,961 --> 00:11:53,504
father of three?
312
00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:55,632
I made all that up,
but you get my point.
313
00:11:55,924 --> 00:11:58,509
- Do you even care
that I am not feeling well?
314
00:11:58,801 --> 00:12:01,971
- Of course I do.
315
00:12:02,263 --> 00:12:03,765
There, there.
316
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:06,100
- Thank you. That's nice.
317
00:12:08,811 --> 00:12:10,939
- Well, I'd love to stay
and do this all night,
318
00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:13,524
but one of us has to
go to the laugh factory.
319
00:12:13,816 --> 00:12:15,693
- No, I don't want
you going there alone.
320
00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:16,985
- Yes, you do.
321
00:12:17,028 --> 00:12:18,321
The people here...
322
00:12:18,613 --> 00:12:20,090
They're the audience
we're trying to reach.
323
00:12:20,114 --> 00:12:21,574
I get them. I know
what they want.
324
00:12:21,866 --> 00:12:23,409
I'm gonna find
somebody great tonight.
325
00:12:23,701 --> 00:12:26,496
[Laughter]
326
00:12:26,788 --> 00:12:28,108
- Hey, Rick, what's
the difference
327
00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:29,684
between your girlfriend
and your truck?
328
00:12:29,874 --> 00:12:31,754
- I don't know, pumpkin.
What is the difference?
329
00:12:31,793 --> 00:12:34,337
- Your truck don't yell at
you every time you get gas.
330
00:12:34,629 --> 00:12:37,590
[Laughter]
331
00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:38,882
- Wonderful.
332
00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:40,468
Bravo, gentlemen.
333
00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:49,102
- Hey... Actor friend.
334
00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:52,897
So what are we all doing
together for Halloween?
335
00:12:53,189 --> 00:12:56,859
- Oh, well, Sacha and the
Michaels usually have a party.
336
00:12:57,151 --> 00:13:00,905
- Oh, 'cause Lutz and Toof
and I always have a party.
337
00:13:01,197 --> 00:13:03,199
- [Clicks tongue, sighs]
- Hang on.
338
00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:05,702
What if we combined parties,
339
00:13:05,994 --> 00:13:07,514
threw one big party
here in the studio?
340
00:13:07,578 --> 00:13:08,788
Is that crazy?
341
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:11,916
- No. Let's do that.
342
00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:13,918
Yes.
343
00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:14,877
That gesture.
344
00:13:15,169 --> 00:13:17,171
I like people who do that.
345
00:13:17,463 --> 00:13:19,424
- [Chuckles]
346
00:13:19,716 --> 00:13:21,592
- A party with them?
347
00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:23,764
- Oh, don't look at me
like I'm a football game.
348
00:13:23,845 --> 00:13:24,845
I need those guys.
349
00:13:25,096 --> 00:13:26,764
I've been using
them to make sure
350
00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:29,225
I'm taken care of when
the new actor gets here.
351
00:13:29,517 --> 00:13:31,728
- Girl, I don't even have
the energy to tell you
352
00:13:32,020 --> 00:13:35,815
what's happening
here, so read my face.
353
00:13:36,107 --> 00:13:37,275
- [Gasps]
354
00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:38,651
Oh, my god!
355
00:13:38,943 --> 00:13:40,823
They're using me to get
invited to gay Halloween
356
00:13:41,029 --> 00:13:42,613
so they can meet hot girls.
357
00:13:42,905 --> 00:13:45,575
- In Metro news, Mary
hillman is going to gaffney
358
00:13:45,867 --> 00:13:48,286
for the weekend and hopes
that Martha or Stephanie
359
00:13:48,578 --> 00:13:49,579
will water her plants.
360
00:13:49,871 --> 00:13:51,789
And now an update on...
- Very small town.
361
00:13:52,081 --> 00:13:53,916
[Knock at door]
362
00:13:59,964 --> 00:14:00,964
- Morning, Lemon.
363
00:14:01,132 --> 00:14:02,675
I brought you a ginger ale.
364
00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:05,094
- "Schwupps Ginny pale"?
365
00:14:05,386 --> 00:14:06,386
This place is the worst.
366
00:14:06,596 --> 00:14:08,222
- Don't worry. We're leaving.
367
00:14:08,514 --> 00:14:10,183
Our work here is done.
368
00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:11,869
- In entertainment
news, local funnyman
369
00:14:11,893 --> 00:14:14,729
and sub-shop owner
Rick Wayne has been hired
370
00:14:15,021 --> 00:14:18,566
by a catholic to appear
on TGS with a black fella.
371
00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:20,610
- What?
- Hear me out.
372
00:14:20,902 --> 00:14:23,363
We're hiring Rick
Wayne and pumpkin.
373
00:14:23,654 --> 00:14:24,654
It's a ventriloquist act.
374
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:26,491
- Oh, I'm too sick
375
00:14:26,783 --> 00:14:27,843
to handle this.
- See, you think
376
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:29,636
you're not this prejudiced,
arrogant new yorker,
377
00:14:29,660 --> 00:14:31,204
but you are,
because in your mind,
378
00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:33,331
a southern ventriloquist
act can't be funny.
379
00:14:33,623 --> 00:14:35,143
But you know who
does think it's funny?
380
00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:38,169
These people... these
wonderful, folksy, simple...
381
00:14:38,461 --> 00:14:39,587
- Stop calling them simple.
382
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:41,631
You know what?
You're the prejudice one.
383
00:14:41,923 --> 00:14:44,092
Sure, some of these
people are simple,
384
00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:46,427
but some of them are
smart, like Matlock...
385
00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:48,554
Or wholesome, like
Elly Mae Clampett.
386
00:14:48,846 --> 00:14:51,057
And some of them
are skeevy dirt bags
387
00:14:51,349 --> 00:14:54,268
like the Dukes of Hazzard,
driving around like maniacs.
388
00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:56,187
Children use those roads.
389
00:14:56,479 --> 00:14:59,148
My point is Americans
are the same everywhere
390
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:01,401
in that we are all different.
391
00:15:01,692 --> 00:15:02,692
- You're wrong, Lemon.
392
00:15:02,819 --> 00:15:04,529
These people are better, purer.
393
00:15:04,821 --> 00:15:06,239
Do you know what
I did this morning?
394
00:15:06,531 --> 00:15:09,700
I assisted in the
birth of a foal.
395
00:15:09,992 --> 00:15:12,203
They named it Jack.
396
00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:14,539
And it was delicious.
397
00:15:14,831 --> 00:15:16,207
I know what I'm
doing here, Lemon.
398
00:15:16,499 --> 00:15:18,084
We're hiring Rick and pumpkin.
399
00:15:18,376 --> 00:15:20,586
- We're not hiring
anyone until I see them.
400
00:15:20,878 --> 00:15:22,547
- Good god, Lemon, your breath.
401
00:15:22,839 --> 00:15:24,382
When did you find time to eat
402
00:15:24,674 --> 00:15:27,885
a diaper that you
found on the beach?
403
00:15:30,596 --> 00:15:33,975
- Hi, I'm trying to get
to studio 6b from here.
404
00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:35,547
I'm still finding my way around.
405
00:15:35,643 --> 00:15:37,520
- You look clean.
You a celebrity?
406
00:15:37,812 --> 00:15:40,523
- I have my own show on NBC.
407
00:15:40,815 --> 00:15:42,400
- No. Celebrity.
408
00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:46,154
- I was in a movie
with queen latifah once.
409
00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:47,446
- Perfect.
410
00:15:47,697 --> 00:15:50,324
I'll show you the shortcut.
411
00:15:50,616 --> 00:15:53,035
- Okay, you're sure
this is the right way?
412
00:15:53,327 --> 00:15:54,996
- Yes, queen latifah's friend.
413
00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:56,497
I'm sure.
414
00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:00,625
- Mr. Jordan!
415
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:03,463
Are you trying to kill
Mr. Fallon with that hammer?
416
00:16:03,754 --> 00:16:05,089
- What the hell?
417
00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:07,341
Is this a "rule
of threes" thing?
418
00:16:07,633 --> 00:16:09,302
Not cool, guy.
419
00:16:09,594 --> 00:16:12,054
- I'm sorry, Ken.
420
00:16:12,346 --> 00:16:13,431
But I want to live.
421
00:16:13,723 --> 00:16:16,184
- Mr. Jordan, you're
going to be fine.
422
00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:17,556
There is no rule of threes.
423
00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:19,687
- [Screams]
- Look out!
424
00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:21,314
- Okay, okay, truce.
425
00:16:21,606 --> 00:16:22,815
Truce, okay?
426
00:16:23,107 --> 00:16:24,627
But if some celebrity
doesn't die soon,
427
00:16:24,775 --> 00:16:26,486
I'm gonna kill my
first guest tonight.
428
00:16:26,777 --> 00:16:28,321
It's a dog who plays soccer.
429
00:16:28,613 --> 00:16:30,573
- Really? That's
your first guest?
430
00:16:30,865 --> 00:16:33,159
- Yeah.
431
00:16:34,744 --> 00:16:36,287
- Pete, I'm not
gonna let this happen.
432
00:16:36,579 --> 00:16:37,579
- But what can you do?
433
00:16:37,705 --> 00:16:41,334
- Ugh. Well, Jack says I'm
just an obnoxious new yorker,
434
00:16:41,626 --> 00:16:43,353
so that's what Rick
Wayne is gonna get tonight.
435
00:16:43,377 --> 00:16:44,504
And it's gonna get ugly.
436
00:16:44,795 --> 00:16:47,215
- What are you... oh, my
god, you're gonna heckle him,
437
00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:49,467
like that time I invited
you to see my cover band.
438
00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:51,275
- Yeah, and today
the world is better off
439
00:16:51,552 --> 00:16:55,139
without the Pete Hornberger
Alan Parsons project project.
440
00:16:55,431 --> 00:16:57,225
I may be dehydrated.
441
00:16:57,517 --> 00:16:59,185
I may still be
working a little chuckle
442
00:16:59,477 --> 00:17:00,978
out of my system,
but don't worry.
443
00:17:01,270 --> 00:17:02,430
When I'm done, the last thing
444
00:17:02,688 --> 00:17:04,368
Rick Wayne and pumpkin
are gonna want to do
445
00:17:04,482 --> 00:17:05,482
is come to New York.
446
00:17:05,691 --> 00:17:07,485
- You guys, I am so excited.
447
00:17:07,777 --> 00:17:09,320
I already put on my costume.
448
00:17:09,612 --> 00:17:11,948
Get it? I'm an Italian senator.
449
00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:15,368
- [Laughs]
450
00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:17,119
- Don't you love it?
451
00:17:17,411 --> 00:17:18,871
It's gonna be awesome.
452
00:17:19,163 --> 00:17:20,164
And with one word,
453
00:17:20,456 --> 00:17:22,750
I can make it all go away.
454
00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:24,311
- Wait, w-what are
you talking about?
455
00:17:24,335 --> 00:17:24,961
- Oh, cut the crap.
456
00:17:25,253 --> 00:17:26,271
You boys are just pretending
457
00:17:26,295 --> 00:17:28,172
to like me to get in
on gay Halloween.
458
00:17:28,464 --> 00:17:30,841
- Okay. What do you want?
459
00:17:31,133 --> 00:17:32,510
- I want two good
sketches a week,
460
00:17:32,802 --> 00:17:34,387
a promise to hate
the new cast member,
461
00:17:34,679 --> 00:17:36,055
and no more making fun of me
462
00:17:36,347 --> 00:17:38,140
when I misuse dated
cultural references.
463
00:17:38,432 --> 00:17:39,432
Okay?
464
00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:40,768
Are we cowabunga on this?
465
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:44,230
- Fine, we're... we're cowabunga.
- Good.
466
00:17:44,522 --> 00:17:46,274
But if I wake up in
any of your apartments
467
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:50,486
tomorrow morning, you
will buy me breakfast.
468
00:17:53,447 --> 00:17:56,951
- All right, the last pig
is in the chuckling chute.
469
00:17:57,243 --> 00:18:00,121
And we're now the laugh factory.
470
00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:02,164
We got a great
show for y'all tonight,
471
00:18:02,456 --> 00:18:04,041
and we're gonna get right to it
472
00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:08,087
with stone mountain's own
Rick Wayne and pumpkin.
473
00:18:08,379 --> 00:18:11,132
[Cheers and applause]
474
00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:15,678
- All right, you asked for it.
475
00:18:15,970 --> 00:18:17,096
- Good evening, everyone.
476
00:18:17,388 --> 00:18:18,948
- How y'all doing?
[Microphone feedback]
477
00:18:19,140 --> 00:18:21,100
- Hey, this your
first time doing this?
478
00:18:21,392 --> 00:18:22,953
- I'm sorry, I didn't
know it was filthy,
479
00:18:22,977 --> 00:18:24,977
thin-lipped hooker night
here at the laugh factory.
480
00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:27,648
- Wow. Okay. I
underestimated you.
481
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:29,817
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there, pumpkin?
482
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:31,110
-A ferret-faced skank.
483
00:18:31,402 --> 00:18:33,863
[Laughter]
- Yep, I see her too.
484
00:18:34,155 --> 00:18:35,740
- Get a job, hayseed.
485
00:18:36,032 --> 00:18:38,993
- Are you still talking?
You are one mouthy bitch.
486
00:18:39,285 --> 00:18:40,387
I don't go down
to where you work
487
00:18:40,411 --> 00:18:42,204
and stop them from milking you.
488
00:18:42,496 --> 00:18:44,290
- I'm sorry, but
that's enough, sir.
489
00:18:44,582 --> 00:18:45,750
You're out of line.
490
00:18:46,042 --> 00:18:47,402
- I'll tell you
what's out of line.
491
00:18:47,543 --> 00:18:48,753
Your old lady's knockers.
492
00:18:49,045 --> 00:18:50,045
Good lord, woman.
493
00:18:50,087 --> 00:18:52,798
I wouldn't [bleep] you
with elmo's [bleep].
494
00:18:53,090 --> 00:18:55,092
- Rick, pumpkin,
what are you doing?
495
00:18:55,384 --> 00:18:58,596
A gentleman, whether he's human
or somehow more than human,
496
00:18:58,888 --> 00:19:00,348
does not speak
to a lady like that.
497
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,683
You two are
wholesome and decent.
498
00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:03,975
- Oh, I get it.
499
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:05,287
You think 'cause
we talk like this,
500
00:19:05,311 --> 00:19:06,330
we're all simple and quaint.
501
00:19:06,354 --> 00:19:08,564
Well, I'm an amateur astronomer,
502
00:19:08,856 --> 00:19:11,233
and Rick's black
wife speaks French.
503
00:19:11,525 --> 00:19:12,652
- Her name's Jamilla.
504
00:19:12,943 --> 00:19:13,943
- See, I told you.
505
00:19:14,070 --> 00:19:15,613
There's no "real america."
506
00:19:15,905 --> 00:19:18,574
- You shut that dog
rectum you call a mouth?
507
00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:19,866
[Laughter]
508
00:19:20,034 --> 00:19:21,410
- Yes, sir.
509
00:19:21,702 --> 00:19:24,080
- Why are you people
laughing at this?
510
00:19:24,372 --> 00:19:26,612
You're supposed to be
better, nicer, but you're terrible.
511
00:19:26,874 --> 00:19:28,042
You're all terrible,
512
00:19:28,334 --> 00:19:29,710
just like the
people in New York.
513
00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:31,796
[Booing]
514
00:19:32,088 --> 00:19:34,048
- All god's children
are terrible.
515
00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:35,340
- Terrible, huh?
516
00:19:35,466 --> 00:19:37,551
I got a question
for you there, pal.
517
00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:40,554
Do you ever find smaller
heads orbiting your head?
518
00:19:40,846 --> 00:19:42,890
[Laughter]
519
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:44,982
- Is that a comment
about the size of my head?
520
00:19:45,267 --> 00:19:47,228
I'm a tall man, and it's
proportional to my frame.
521
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:48,229
- Your frame?
522
00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:50,981
What are they building
there... A super Walmart?
523
00:19:51,273 --> 00:19:53,109
[Laughter]
524
00:19:53,401 --> 00:19:54,721
- You come down
here and say that.
525
00:19:54,944 --> 00:19:57,947
- I can't. I got a man's
arm stuck up me.
526
00:19:58,239 --> 00:20:00,908
But you know what that's like.
527
00:20:04,578 --> 00:20:05,788
- Aah!
528
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:08,666
I can't believe I bought
529
00:20:08,958 --> 00:20:11,711
a fatty fat sandwich franchise!
- Oh, god, he's murdering me.
530
00:20:12,002 --> 00:20:13,402
His head is so
much bigger up close!
531
00:20:13,587 --> 00:20:15,756
- [Grunts] All: Oh!
532
00:20:19,844 --> 00:20:21,762
- The deal's off, Wayne.
533
00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:24,557
Lemon, to the Kia Sorrento!
534
00:20:24,849 --> 00:20:27,935
[Booing]
535
00:20:39,196 --> 00:20:42,324
[Dance music]
536
00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:44,618
- Tray, get down here!
537
00:20:44,910 --> 00:20:45,910
- I can't.
538
00:20:46,162 --> 00:20:47,413
I don't want to die.
539
00:20:47,705 --> 00:20:49,665
- All right.
540
00:20:51,333 --> 00:20:52,418
- What's wrong, Ken?
541
00:20:52,710 --> 00:20:53,961
That hatchet isn't real, is it?
542
00:20:54,253 --> 00:20:55,253
- I wish.
543
00:20:55,296 --> 00:20:57,006
My meemaw just called.
544
00:20:57,298 --> 00:21:00,217
Pumpkin, western Georgia's
most beloved ventriloquist doll,
545
00:21:00,509 --> 00:21:01,844
has died.
546
00:21:02,136 --> 00:21:03,679
- That's three!
547
00:21:03,971 --> 00:21:06,932
Tell my wife I went to
Philadelphia on business!
548
00:21:07,224 --> 00:21:09,518
[Cheers and applause]
39034
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