All language subtitles for 30.Rock.S04E02.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE.SDH

- I wrote that!

I'm Liz Lemon.

"If your man is over 30,

"and still wears a
nametag to work,

that's a dealbreaker."

But not you, Mike.

That's not you.

Mike, leave my cutout alone.

Oh! Okay.

Oh! Yeah.

Okay, you know, I'm
gonna do the same thing

to your cutout.

Oh, wait, you don't have one,

because you're nobody.

[Rip] Ow!

Blam-o! Another successful
interaction with a man!

[Exciting jazz music]

♪ ♪

- Yes, Mr. Geiss, of course.

Well, I'll only be
in D.C. for the day,

but if I find time,
I'll be sure to go see

Fonzie's jacket.

You sit on it as
well. [Chuckles]

- Hey, if you're going to D.C.,

I lost my retainer there
during a junior high field trip.

- What can I do for you, Lemon?

- Well, I wanted to give
you a copy of my book.

They used your blurb.

- "Lemon numbers
among my employees."

- Sir, your bus to Washington
leaves in half an hour.

- You're taking a bus?
- I have to.

Ever since these
buffoons from Detroit

took private planes,

the rest of us have
to put on a show.

And now, your president...
Who, by the way,

is Kenyan and smokes cigarettes,

has created an
industry task force

for microwaves and
small appliances.

- Why? Do you need to be
bailed out with my tax dollars?

- Even if they wanted
to, I wanted take it.

It's corporate welfare, Lemon.

Granted, the microwave
industry isn't what it used to be,

and the American love
affair with the microwave oven

has cooled since
its postwar heyday.

- ♪ And she told her daddy
she was doin' the microwave ♪

♪ do the microwave,
wah wah wah wah ♪

♪ do the microwave ♪

♪ do the microwave,
waba gaba daba wah ♪

- Did that happen?

- But, unlike Detroit,

we don't need
handouts or regulation.

I'm gonna go down there,

talk circles around these hacks,

and catch the afternoon
bus back to Chinatown.

Now, where was the last place

you remember
having your retainer?

- I took it out to eat
astronaut ice cream

at the air and space museum.

- [Mumbling] Air and space...

- If your man
collects action figures,

that's a dealbreaker?

- What? Oh, yeah.

- Last weekend, I
picked up this girl

after practicing jedi
moves in prospect park.

- Also a dealbreaker.

- I took her back to my house
on the handlebars of my bike.

- As is that.
- Snuck her inside, past my mom.

- Wow, that's four.

- She sees my
mint-condition hellboy figurine

and starts quoting
your dumb book!

- Yeah! Also, my
girlfriend is mad.

In Canada.

- Ugh.

- Ms. Lemon,
would it be all right

if I only worked 20 hours today?

I'm volunteering at an
animal shelter later on.

- Oh, of course.

I didn't know you
did volunteer work.

- Oh, yes.

I also help out at the pants
for zoo animals program

and big brother.

- Really? I did big
sister in college.

That little girl taught
me how to use tampons.

- Oh, no, this big
brother isn't affiliated

with the mentoring program.

It's an organization that
secretly watches people

and makes sure they're
behaving properly.

- Liz, I don't if
you saw the crawl

on the TV guide channel,

but I've agreed to star in
a sexy, supernatural thriller

in the vein of twilight
and true blood.

- Oh, that's good.

The vampire movies
are hot right now.

- This is actually a
werewolf picture that,

for tax reasons, is
shooting in Iceland.

I play a moon scientist

who's trying to get to
the bottom of things,

and who... [Loudly]
Spoiler alert...

May herself be a werewolf.

We start shooting tonight.

- In Iceland? Tonight?
- Mm-hmm.

- You can't leave. You
have rehearsal tomorrow.

- Oh, well, why don't you
get the new cast member

to cover for me?

- Wow. Okay.

Look, I know that you're
mad about Jack's decision

to bring in another actor,
and you want to punish me.

- Punish you?

Please, Liz.

I've just always wanted

to shoot a student
werewolf movie in Iceland,

where I'm filling in last-minute
for Victoria Beckham.

- Or we could sit down and
talk about this like adults.

- Liz Lemon! You booger face!

I'm gonna kill you
with a bazooka!

- Ow!

- I bought my wife that
dumb book of yours,

and the more Angie reads
it, the madder she gets at me.

- Well, maybe
that's on you, tray.

- No, it's off me!

A book hasn't caused
me this much trouble

since where's Waldo went
to that barber pole factory.

It's on you Liz Lemon.
And you will be punished.

- This'll take ten minutes.

Let's hit the meadowlands
racetrack on the way home.

I've got a betting system
based on horse penis size.

[Laughter]

- [Humming ominous music]

[Identical music on soundtrack]

- Is it true, Mr. Donaghy,
that your executives

routinely used
company helicopters

to dry their home tennis courts?

- Yes, and no. Yes,
that did happen.

No, it didn't not happen.

- And that G.E. kept a
party clown on retainer

with a six-figure salary?

- When silly Willy's
fee was amortized

over all birthdays
companywide...

- I'm being told that
company money

is being gambled at racetracks.

- Yes, but I have a system.

- In 2007, a G.E. officer
used corporate funds

to throw a cabaret-themed
Halloween party

on fire island.

- As I recall, that was you.

- Mr. Donaghy, I am overwhelmed

by the negligence
and incompetence.

It is an affront to
your shareholders

and, frankly, to the
American people.

- Listen, Banks!

Mr. Banks, you go
and tell your president

the truth.

We don't need the government

telling us how to
run our industry.

- I've heard enough.

- Why do you have a
gavel? This isn't the congress.

- I brought it from home.

[Laughing]

[Banging gavel]

[Knock on door]

- Congratulations, Liz Lemon.

Now Angie wants a break.

So instead of going to a hotel,

or my houseboat,
which I cannot find,

I'm staying with the woman

that started this
problem in the first place.

- What? No. Tracy,
that is not fair.

- Oh, yeah, there's a
garbage bag in the hallway

with a reef shark in it.

Just put him in
the tub with a reef.

What's for dinner tonight?

I want pierogies!

- Unfortunately, we're
not gonna be able

to find homes for
all these animals.

But, uh, you know,
the most important thing

is that you not become
emotionally attached

to any of them.

- I grew up on a pig farm, sir,

where all the animals,

even the birds that
cleaned our teeth,

were workers, not pets.

I never even had a dog,

'cause, as my mom would say,

you can't eat love.

And as my mom's
friend Ron would say,

"the donkey died. You're
the donkey now, Kenneth."

[Chuckles] Yep.

Just another animal.

Might as well be a rat.

An adorable rat,

who shows you it's
okay to be scared

during a thunderstorm.

Why, it seems crazy to me

to even give a dog
like this a name.

For example, bandit.

And that's Reggie,
and up there is digger,

- okay, well, the dogs
scheduled to be put down today

have red tags on them.

- I will adopt all of them.

- Jonathan, call
Don Geiss' office

and les winkler in
corporate communications.

Tell Susan Cunningham,
Alan Junkin, Mark...

- Jack.

What took you so long?

- Banks, you son of a bitch.

- You know, revenge is a
dish best served cold, Jack.

Like... sashimi. Or pizza.

- You prefer cold pizza?

- The morning
after, it's the best.

- Better than hot
pizza? That's insane.

- You don't tell me
what kind of pizza to like.

You don't tell me
anything anymore, Jack!

[Clears throat]

It was a year ago that
you kicked me to the curb.

I began plotting my
revenge that very day.

I knew that I had to align
myself with something

more powerful than G.E.

And since American
idol is not on till January,

that left the United
States government.

So I spent all last
fall raising money,

worming my way into
the obamas' inner circle.

Oh, my god, Malia,
he did not say that!

Let's text him now.

After the election,

I could have had any
ambassadorship I wanted.

Even to the world's
gayest country, Ireland.

- [Gasps]

- Instead, I suggested
that I take on this task force.

See, I had you in my
sights the whole time.

Pyoong!

- What kind of gun was that?

- It's a laser gun.

It's unstoppable.

- You listen to me, Banks.

You keep your spray-tanned
little hands off this company.

- Too late.

Your testimony's
gonna make headlines

in every paper across
the country tomorrow.

- But... it wasn't
a public hearing.

- Oops.

Somebody must have "weaked" it.

- You did. You "weaked" it!

- Yeah! And I'm
just getting started.

By the time I'm done,
you're gonna make AIG

look like the lehman
brothers of microwaves.

- You would destroy an
entire company just to get me?

Think of the pensions,
the employees,

the kittens we use to
test microwave strength.

- Enjoy the view
while you can, Jack.

You'll be here for
about three days, tops.

- Oh, that's all I'll need,
Banks, you watch me.

I'll make this company
profitable so fast,

the only headline will be,

"Donaghy saves G.E.,
marries your mom."

- See you in a
couple days, Jack.

Pyoong!

- Vvvvt. Laser shield.

[Cell phone ringing]

- Tracy and Liz's
residence. Tracy speaking.

- Tracy, it's
Jenna. Is Liz there?

- It's Jenna, from work.

- Jenna, it's 2:00
in the morning.

What's going on?

- Night stalkers has encountered

some production speed bumps

that are complicating
my schedule.

- Well, I need you
back by Friday.

What kind of speed bumps?

- Well, Iceland appears

to have a different
sun than america,

because this one is not setting.

- Ugh, yeah, of course,
'cause it's so far north.

- And you probably
don't know this,

because you've never
played a moonologist,

but werewolves only
come out at night.

- Yes, I remember that
from the thriller video.

- Too soon.

- Shh. What is your plan, Jenna?

- Well, evidently, as
it gets later in the year

the sun will start to set.

I'm told tomorrow night
we may get as much

as a minute of darkness.

- Really? So you're
gonna shoot this movie

one minute at a time,
just to punish me?

- Liz, I don't even know
what you're talking about.

What new cast member?

- No, you...

D'oh!

- What's wrong, roomie?

- Well, two of my coworkers
are driving me insane,

so I'm gonna kill them
in their sleep tonight.

- [Laughs]

- [Feigning laughter]

- [Feigning laughter]

[Increasingly goofy laughter]

[Phone ringing]

- Tracy and Liz's.
Tracy speaking.

- Tracy, put Lemon on.

- Hello?

- Okay, as a single woman,

would you be more inclined
to buy a new microwave

if it could be programmed
to ask you about your day?

Before you answer,
consider your loneliness.

- I'm hanging up now.

[Beep]

- Now that we're all up,

you want to talk about
the elephant in the room?

- No, I don't.

I don't even know why
you brought that thing.

- I mean the
figurative elephant!

Liz, I been reading your book.

Now I see why Angie's mad at me.

"If your man has
seven cell phones,

"but won't give you
any of the numbers,

that's a dealbreaker"?

"If your man owns
a diamond necklace

that says open marriage,
that's a dealbreaker"!

Liz Lemon, every
little thing I've done

is in here.

You used me to write your book!

- What? No, maybe some
of it is inspired by you.

- You stole my life.

And you're gonna pay for it.

- Really?

You're gonna make my life

worse than it is right now, how?

[Dogs barking]

- I'll take all of them.

- Tracy and Jenna
are like children.

- And like children, you
can't reason with them

when they're upset.

All you can do is
turn the heat up,

pour some whisky in their juice,

and wait for sleep to save you.

- Well, that's not
gonna work for me,

because Jenna is
immune to whisky,

and Tracy is afraid of juice.

Oh, and not to add
to your problems,

but Paula read your book.

- [Whispers] Ow.

- Attention, creative types.
Brainstorming session.

Let's try to stop
mouth-breathing for one minute.

- [Snorts phlegm]

- What is this?

It's an idea.

An idea that started
this company,

changed the way we live,

and made this country great.

This is Dinesh Mehta.

He's a design engineer
from the microwave division.

All Dinesh and I need from you

is one idea that is as
good as the light bulb.

- What?

- I have two days
to make people buy

a lot of microwaves.

- Well, it's kind of annoying

when you're
microwaving, like, a burrito,

and the burrito won't
rotate because it's too big.

It just gets caught
against the sides

[choking up] And the
tray under it rotates,

but it doesn't rotate.

- Okay... bigger ovens.

Americans like
big, yes. What else?

- What if microwaves
broke down more easily,

so people would have to
buy new ones more often?

- Yes, shoddier, excellent.

Bigger and not as well-made.

- Wow, that sounds
exactly like the philosophy

that almost destroyed
the U.S. auto industry.

- This isn't the
auto industry, Pete.

The auto industry was run

by a bunch of
out-of-touch white guys

selling consumers a
product they didn't want.

We're G.E., damn it.

And we're gonna make
a giant, flimsy microwave.

- [Gasp]

[Deep, raspy breaths]

- Frank, I can't!

If I make it any bigger,
the door will be too heavy.

- Fine! Forget it.

- Wait.

Say that again.

- I said forget it.

- For... get it.

Four smaller doors.

- Yes!
- Yes!

We'll crack this yet.

- "We'll" crack this yet.

Wheel. Put wheels on it.

- Yeah!
- Nice.

- Donaghy!

- Okay, it's go
time. Are you ready?

- I'm in character
and everything.

- All right, let's do
this! The sun is setting!

We get one shot at this!
- Thank you.

- And action!

- Claire, I'm sorry.

Which hand did I
have the flashlight in

when we were inside?

- The right! You
had it in the right.

- Thank you.

- Cut!

- Oh. Great day, everyone.

You guys are the real stars.

[Dog barks]

[Ominous music]

- Since I have neither
the time Nor the energy

to even pretend that your
situation is a real problem...

- she doesn't like
to refill the brita.

- I will cut the baby in half.

- And I will take the top half.

For that is the
part with the face.

- Lemon, you wrote
about Tracy's life

for your own game.

Tracy should be
allowed to use your life

as he sees fit.

I'll have Jonathan call legal

and get a life rights
contract drawn up.

- Wait, what do you mean?
Tracy will own my life story?

No. No.

What are you gonna
do with my life story?

Something humiliating.

Thank you, Jack.

- Thanks a lot, Jack.
- It's your only move, Lemon.

Sometimes the
way back up is down.

Let me tell you a story.

It's 1994.

I went ice climbing,
and I fell into a crevasse.

I hurt my leg, and I
couldn't climb back up.

So fighting every
natural instinct,

doing the thing that
seemed most awful to me,

I climbed down
into the darkness.

And that's how I got out.

And when I got
back to base camp,

I went and found
my fellow climber,

the one who had cut
me loose after I fell,

and I said, "Connie Chung,
you did the right thing."

- Thank you.

- Climb down, Lemon.

Climb down.

- Hey, you're back.

- Yes.

Night stalkers
is taking a brief,

permanent hiatus.

- Well, maybe now we can talk.

Jenna, I'm your
friend, no matter what,

and I will always...

- oh, Liz, I would
really love to do this.

But I have to go
home for the day.

- Gotcha.

So you're sticking with

the passive-aggressive
acting out.

- No, it's not acting out.

I have Mercury poisoning

from obsessively taking
my rectal temperature.

- And cup holders.

Everyone loves cup holders.

- Okay, I've been up
for the last 50 hours,

but I think this is a good idea.

Let's get rid of
the oven entirely

and replace it with
an am/fm radio.

- Yeah.
- Hmm.

[Typing]

- Okay, it's a car.

We've invented
the Pontiac aztec.

- Thank you, Subhas.

- You are the dealbreaker!

- Uhh.

Ohh.

This is a bill.

Tracy.

Hey, roomie.

Did you order pay-per-view
at my apartment?

- I'm willing to go splitsies.

- No! I'm not paying
for any of this.

You ordered six adult
movies in two days.

"The curious case
of Benjamin butt."

Lovely.

"I'ma do us"? What
does that even mean?

- That's a pun on
amadeus, dummy.

I will not be judged by you.

You caused this whole folderol.

Until you're adequately debased,

you will subsidize my
predilection for erotica.

Oh, yeah, and I
used your credit card

to buy a vocabulary course
from the teaching company.

- So you're saying
once you figure out

how to get back at me,

you and the dogs will
leave my apartment?

- Affirmative.

- I have to climb down...

Into the darkness.

I know what you should
do with my life rights.

Pete, keep tours
out of the studio

for the next couple days.

I need you to build a set
that looks like my apartment

and get all the hand
sanitizer you can find.

- Wait, wait, why do you need...

- Tracy is producing a
porno based on my life.

And I'm writing it.

- I didn't think it would
end like this, Jonathan.

Not with a bang,
but with a whimper.

- A whimper indeed, Jack.

- I only came by
to wish you luck

on your new venture.

What do you think that'll be?

Selling fake weed
to NYU students?

- I'll have you know
that Barry Diller and I

are working on a whole
new approach to media,

combining all the digital...

God! Just let me drink.

- See you around, Jack.

Thanks for letting
me be such a big part

of you hitting rock bottom, huh?

[Chuckles]

- Not yet, Banks.

I can go lower.

Into the crevasse.

- What?

- You played this all wrong.

You want to humiliate me?
You want to destroy me?

You should have walked
in here with a check.

- Again, what?

- Sure, maybe you've
ruined my career.

Maybe you'll never see me again.

But if you had forced me

to take government
bailout money,

you'd be my boss.

- [Gasps]

Oh, my.

You'd have to come
down to Washington.

Report to me, like
a little school boy...

Your hands sticky from candy.

- And the worst part is,

I wouldn't even want the money.

- No, you wouldn't.

Jack Donaghy taking welfare?

It'd kill you.
- With so many jobs at stake.

- You'd have to
take it. I'd make you.

I'd make you take it all.

- I'd roll over and
let you give it to me.

- I'm honestly not trying
to make this sound gay.

- No one is. It's
just happening.

- One word to the
president, and I own you.

I own this office.

I own that... Fancy
little fellow outside.

It'd kill me.

But I'd do it for the company.

[Phone beeps]

[Line ringing]

- Hey, Sasha. Is your dad home?

What? You have to invite
everyone to your party?

Even Zach s.?

- Everyone settle.

And action.

- It's not just about
the new cast member.

When you always put
the show ahead of me,

it makes me feel like
we're growing apart.

- Jenna... You're my friend.

No matter what.

I will always look after you.

That's not going to change.

- Oh, Liz,

thank you for giving
me the hotter porn lady.

- Okay... We should
get out of here.

- Yeah, we should.

- Everything good with Tracy?

- Yeah... I think so.

And Jenna and Frank
and even Subhas.

And you?

- I live to fight another
day. But at what cost?

- Oh, boy, I know the feeling.

What a week, huh?

- Lemon, it's Wednesday.

But it's not all... [Rattling]

Bad news.

- My retainer.

Now my dad won't be mad at me.

Ow!

Ow!

Oooow!

Aaaah!

- Take it out, Lemon!

- [Mouth full] You
take it out, Donaghy!

- Everything good with Tracy?

- I think so, and
Jenna too, and Frank,

and even Subhas.

And you?

- I live to fight another day.

But at what cost?

- Boy, I know the feeling.

What a week, huh?

- Lemon, it's Wednesday.

But it's not all bad news.

- My retainer.

How will I ever thank you?

- And cut. This is disgusting.

Shut it down.