All language subtitles for 30.Rock.S03E22.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE.SDH

[Door opens]
- Lemon.

Do you know what
the kidney does?

- Of course. I was a kidney
in my fifth grade school play.

♪ Oh, I'm a kidney ♪

The other kidney is singing now.

- Milton needs a kidney.

- Milton, as in your dad?

- My dad? I don't know this guy.

- Professor Milton Greene,

who's writing a three-volume
biography of Jimmy Carter,

and if I give him a kidney
he could live to finish it.

- So what're you gonna do?
- I don't know.

He's too old for
the waiting list,

since Giuliani left it's gotten
tougher to harvest hobo organs.

So it's up to me, and I
don't want to be a match.

It's too much.

Does that make me a bad person?
- Of course not.

- This is really hard.
I need your help.

- ♪ The brain helps
you make decisions ♪

- Okay.

- ♪ And your colon
pushes out... ♪

- Okay, that's not helpful.

- Sorry.

[Exciting jazz music]

♪ ♪

- So, NBC is making me
go on the Vontella show

to promote TGS.

- Oh, that show is the worst.
- I know.

I swore I'd never go on
again after that one time.

We get paid to make
each other laugh.

- Jenna, meet your
half-sister Courtney!

[Cheers and applause]

- Gimme my money, you bitch!
- Never!

- They want me to go
on as a relationship expert

because of the
"dealbreakers" sketch.

And since you're the
face of "dealbreakers,"

you're going with me.

- What? No, come on.

- I thought you
wanted the attention.

- Yeah, but not like that.

Remember the other
time you were on?

- And I was all, like,
"talk to the hand."

- Jenna, come on out.

- You give me back
my money, bitch!

[Cheers and applause]

- Can't we just keep
doing magazines?

- I will see you
on Vontella, Liz.

- Now, kidney transplantation
is no laughing matter.

So, I apologize. [Laughs]

Kidney's just such a funny word.

- How long is this
going to take, Leo?

- Uh, well, this is
the consent form

for the test today.

- This is incorrect, doctor,
I'm not giving him a kidney.

It's the other way around.

- Oh, brother.

Are you sure?

- If anyone is giving
anyone a kidney at all.

Who knows?

- You know what?

I'll just remember that it's
the opposite of what these say.

- I'd really be more comfortable

if you rewrote the form.

- No, I'll remember.
Opposite, opposite, opposite!

- Okay, but you're clear that
he's giving a kidney to me.

- I really think you're
jumping the gun here.

We don't even know
if we're a match,

so you shouldn't assume that
you're gonna get my kidney.

- No, of course. No, I'm sorry.

It's just that without a
kidney, I'm going to die.

- [Laughs]

I think it's the hard k sound
that's making me giggle.

Kidney!

- Mr. Jordan, exciting news.

Your old high school wants
you to speak at graduation.

And they said you could
drop up to five f-bombs.

- Not interested.

- Why not?

- Because Frank Lucas
high school was a hellhole.

Grizz knows.

He was there.

A drug dealer named
Campbell, he ruled that school.

He wanted me to find
a snitch called "baby."

Campbell wanted
me to cut him open.

- Oh, my, that's very urban.

- I wouldn't do
it. I dropped out.

And I vowed never to
go back to that place.

- "Campbell" was
actually Mr. Campbell,

his science teacher.

- His science teacher
was a drug dealer?

That's terrible.

Science was my
most favorite subject.

Especially the old testament.

- He wasn't a drug dealer.

Tracy dropped outta high school

because Mr. Campbell
wanted him to dissect a frog.

Tracy couldn't do it; He cried
in front of the whole class.

- It was bad. I had to deny
ever being friends with him.

- Just like Peter did
to Jesus in science.

- If your boyfriend calls out
his brother's name during sex,

that's a dealbreaker, ladies.

[Laughter and applause]

- That skit was crazy.

- That actually happened to Liz.

- Vontella don't
care who Liz is.

Jenna, we have
a surprise for you.

- I swear to god, Courtney,
I will rip your wig off.

- No, honey, Courtney's dead.

You are gonna answer

our audience's
relationship questions!

Yes! [Cheers and applause]

- This guy I'm dating
owns a tanning salon,

but he won't let
me tan for free,

but he lets girls that he's
friends with tan for free,

so I go to this other
tanning salon down the street

to try not to make it a thing,

but you know how
there's no secrets

in the tanning salon
community, so what should I do?

- Um...

I-I...

I don't know.

Liz?

- Oh, boy, well, whatever
that just was, it's a dealbreaker

because this guy is making
you talk like a crazy person.

You have sexually transmitted
crazy mouth. Dealbreaker.

- My fiance and I keep arguing
about our wedding plans, and...

- Nope, your fiance is gay.

Look at him. Look at you.

Classic case of fruit blindness.
- "Fruit blindness"?

- Sir, have you ever
kissed a gentleman?

- Uh, one time in college.

Yeah, and a lot since then.

[Cheers and applause]

- All right!

- My boyfriend has
been acting really weird

ever since he got
promoted at his job...

- Yeah, he thinks he
deserves a va Jay Jay upgrade.

He doesn't. He's not Tom
Brady. Shut it down. Dealbreaker.

- Yes, yes!

- Yeah, there's no
such thing as bisexual.

That's something they invented

in the '90s to
sell hair products.

Dealbreaker.

Only one snake in
the bed. Dealbreaker.

- Yes.

- I think you guys
are gonna make it.

[Cheers and applause]

[Shuts off water]

- Mr. Jordan,

I know Mr. Campbell
wasn't a drug dealer.

- Yes, he was.

- I know he was
your science teacher.

- No, he wasn't.

- And I know he didn't
ask you to cut up "baby,"

he asked you to cut up a frog.

- What frog?

- And I know you couldn't
do it, and you cried.

- When have I ever cried?

- And that's why
you left school,

because you were ashamed.

- It's true! There is no "baby"!

I was chicken! I was chicken!

- A guy crying about
a chicken and a baby?

I thought this was
a comedy show.

Listen, you know how I can
get to Jack Donaghy's office?

- Uh, yes, sir. 52nd floor.

Mr. Jordan, I understand
how hard that must've been,

but it was so long ago.

- You can't understand, Ken.

Where I come from,
street cred is everything.

That's why when I left
that school in shame,

I vowed never to cry again.

And I never have!

- Um...

- Don't die! I love you, Jack!

I want diet slice
and some pita chips.

I don't wanna be
here! I don't like it here!

I was just callin' y'all
a bunch of racists.

We're not really best friends,
we're just good friends.

I was chicken! I was chicken!

I'm never going back to
Frank Lucas high school

to be reminded of
my greatest failure.

- Mr. Jordan, I think it's sad

that you're still
ashamed of that kid.

That kid is you.

- Uh-uh. I've changed, Ken.

Into a badass adult.

I have a wolf dog, I
have two bad knees,

and a gun.

That I lost!

- [Knocks]

- Milton, are you
going somewhere?

- I have to get
back to bennington.

I owe my publishers a chapter
of from peanut to president.

But before I go,

I think we should talk
about the other day.

- Milton, the
donaghys do not talk.

We let things fester until they
erupt in inappropriate anger,

preferably during a wedding or
elementary school graduation.

- Well, the Greenes
are talkers and huggers.

I'm sorry, Jack.

I should never have
put you in this position.

- Or this one.

- Look, I don't want
a kidney from you.

All I want is to
make up for lost time.

Can I come back next week?

- Sure, okay.

We can go to a yankee
game. I have great seats.

In the section between

the players' wives and
the players' mistresses.

But I don't go on bat day.

- So, my son likes baseball.

You know,

there's a great sports
memorabilia store

on third Avenue.

Remember Carlton fisk's
home run in the '75 series?

- That's this ball?

- No, that's a ball he
fouled off in the third inning.

- Huh.

- No, I want you to have it.

- Milton, that's too generous.

- No, I insist. For
bringing me into your life.

- I-I-I can't.

- Jack. We're having a catch.

- Don't ruin it, Milton.

- Just like Jimmy
and chip Carter.

- Did you hear what I said?

- [Laughing] This is great.

Ooh!

- Damn, Ken, you
know who that was?

- I don't, sir, do you?

- I grew up with that guy.

He was the baddest
gangster in my class.

We called him "mean Steve,"
but his real name was Steven killer.

- Does seeing him
in this menial job

make you think about anything?

- Well, if a badass
O.G. like that

could get stuck deliverin'
food, how did I get out?

- Because you're
not a bad-bleep O.G.

You're a sensitive artist.

You're different.

And isn't that a
message those kids

at your old high
school should hear?

- You're right,
Ken. They should.

Five f-bombs, right?

[Phone rings]

- Hello.

- Jack, it's Leo.

I got the, uh, results of
your blood work back.

- Right, yes, and?

- Well, "cytotoxic cross
match of target HLA

resulted in lyses of cells."

Now, Jack, in layman's terms,

what do you think that means?

- I don't know. Could I give
this guy a kidney or not?

- "Due to negative
blood tissue match,

transplantation is
not recommended."

Damn it, is this
written in Greek?

- It means we're not a match.

- Oh. Sorry.

I was really looking
forward to putting

your father's kidney in you.

- The other way around, Leo.

- [Chuckles] That's not
what these forms say.

- Lemon.

I'm getting Milton
Greene a kidney.

- [Gasps] You're a match?

- No, I'm not.

- Then where are you
gonna get a kidney from?

- I don't know, but I have

the entire liberal media
establishment at my disposal.

The same manipulation
machine that got people

to vote for Barack Obama

and donate all that money
after rainstorm Katrina.

I'm going to use that
to find my dad a kidney.

- You should do
a celebrity concert.

Like that gig I did
to benefit old gays.

- Yes, a benefit concert

like "we are the world"

or "Weird Al" Yankovic's
less successful

parody benefit
"we are the pizza."

Tell Pete to start
building a set.

- Wait a minute,
we have to do this?

- Well, you found a
way to do your day job

and be on Vontella...
A great job, by the way.

I haven't seen that
many riled-up dirtbags

since cvs put the cold
medicine behind the counter.

- They want me to go
back on Vontella, actually,

but I'm not sure I'm qualified
to give relationship advice.

- You're not.

Suburban seventh graders

have more sexual
experience than you do,

but that doesn't matter.

- Right, because
I'm helping people.

- No, you're helping yourself.

So make the most
of this opportunity.

After all, how many
years does TGS have left?

- I don't know. 20?

- [Laughs] What do
you think this is, wings?

You've got two
more years, at best.

Lemon,

this is what I've been trying
to tell you since I first met you.

Life is short. You've gotta
get out there and get yours.

- "Get yours."

I like that. Can I use that
as one of my catch phrases?

- Sorry, Leo Spaceman's
using it as the title

of his new sex book for couples.

- Ooh. Ooh.

- Mary.

Uh, Elvis.

Mr. Aiken.

Thank you all for coming
here on such short notice.

- No problem, I just had
my driver drop me off.

- So how come I saw
you getting off the subway?

- What were you
doin' down there?

- Uh, okay.

I asked the three
of you to be here

because you are all deeply
committed to charity work.

- My Mary J. Blige foundation
is celebrating its tenth year

of searching for the
Loch Ness monster.

- Well, musicians have banded
together before to solve...

All kinds of problems.

World hunger, the collapse
of the American farm,

global warming,

and, uh, you're 0 for 3, guys.

- I am disappointed
in us as a group.

- How about a
problem you can solve?

One song, one man, one kidney.

- Let me get this straight.

You want us to do a
charity concert for one guy?

- Elvis, haven't you
said that if a song

reaches just one person,
you've done your job?

- No, I've never said that.

- Fine. Listen, the man who
needs the kidney is my father.

We just met, and I
don't want to lose him

before I get a
chance to know him.

Please, I'm asking
for your help.

Okay, let's cut to the chase.

M.J., you owe me.

Who got you out of a 20-year
exclusive performance contract

at sea world?

Aiken, your cousin
Kenneth Parcell

already promised
me you'd do this.

And Elvis, or should I say,

Declan McManus,
international art thief?

- Okay, Jack
dona-you-tumbled-me.

We'll do it.

- Also, you have a ton
of interview requests.

And they want you
on the seventh hour

of The Today Show
tomorrow morning.

- Tell them all yes.

I'm getting mine, Cerie.

- Also, Pete and Tracy's
wives are in your office.

- Paula is Pete's wife,
and Angie is the black one...

- Okay, Cerie, I got it.

- Dr. Liz, we need some
advice from the dealbreaker lady.

- I don't know if
that's a good idea.

I know you, and I
know your husbands...

- I just found out Tracy has

a secret credit card I
didn't know anything about.

- Not on my watch, biatch.

- And he's been
using that credit card

to pay for a hotel room here
in New York two days a week.

- S that d. Shut it
down. Dealbreaker.

Paula.

- Pete is refusing to
drive to my parents' place

for just two weeks
of family vacation.

- No to the way to the Jose.

But Paula, talk it out
before you walk it out.

- And I'm here in New York

while he's back in
Hooglanderveen.

- Long distance is the
wrong distance, Sue.

Dealbreaker.

- Mickey Rourke wants
to take me camping.

- Dealbreaker, Jenna! God!

- I haven't seen my
fiance in seven months.

- Cerie, I have
two words for you.

[Robot voice] Robot warning.

Okay, that catch phrase
needs a little work.

Dealbreaker!

- Teach it like ya
preach it, Liz Lemon!

[Cheering]

- I almost didn't make
it here this afternoon.

But then a very special friend
of mine showed me the way.

So I'd like to take
a moment to thank

Victor Cordova from the
Sunoco station on Lennox Avenue.

[Applause]

But there's another reason
why I almost didn't come today.

Fear.

Fear of letting people
know the real me.

I have but one thing
to say to all of you.

Be yourself.

And I'm talkin' to
you clearly, gay kid.

- Who told?

- And you, white kid
just tryin' to go unnoticed.

- Aw, come on.
- Just be yourself.

And I guarantee you

every single person in this room

will one day be president
of the United States.

Thank you. [Applause]

- Tracy, before you go, I
have a special surprise for you.

- Okay, but I'm
allergic to horses.

- It is my pleasure to award
you this honorary diploma.

Congratulations.

- [Crying]

- Take a breath, Mr. Jordan.

- [Crying] Aah!

Aah!

Who wants my autograph? Aah!

- So you can see how
important this is to me.

Are you in?
- I'm in. I think it'll be fun.

- I actually played a kidney
in my fifth grade school play.

With this loser...

- I'm in, but when
costello's not lookin'

I'm gonna punch him
in the back of the head.

- Fair enough.

- Hey, Jack,

are you doing my
musical benefit idea?

Because I'd love to be...

- Uh, no, it didn't work out.

Jenna, you know
my European friends

uh, Rokus and, uh, Shandelay.

- Alloo.
- Please to meet.

- Thank you.

- Cerie, I'm going
out for a couple hours.

- Okay. I'll just, uh...

- I'm meeting a book agent

about writing a
dealbreaker book.

He's gonna take me to
lunch wherever I wanna go.

Do you know if there's a
sit-down Quizno's in midtown?

Never mind.

- Liz Lemon, you dumb bitch.

- What?

- Here's the reason
I don't wanna go

on that family vacation:
It's a working farm.

And I'm the only one
whose hands are big enough

to guide the bull during mating.

- Yeah, well, dealbreaker...

- Shut up.

- There you are,
you stupid cracker.

You know why I get a hotel
room? To poop in peace.

No kids bangin' on the door,

no phones ringin'.

It's my time!

Every Tuesday and
Thursday at 3:00 pm!

I don't know why I
only go twice a week.

That's what Angie
should be worried about!

- You've gotta
stop giving advice.

You don't know what
you're talking about.

- No, I'm not stopping.
I'm gonna write a book.

I have to! This is my next step!

- What're you talking about?

- This job isn't gonna
last forever, Pete.

TGS has two years left, tops.

- Pete, how'm I gonna
live? I only have $300 million.

- [Laughs] This...
This is crazy, Jack.

I've never seen
anything like this.

And I was at "we are the pizza."

- Well, I thought I
had to do something.

Once I found that
I wasn't a match,

I felt like I'd let you down.

- You couldn't let
me down, Jack.

- [Coughs] Get a room.
- Yeah, get a room.

- High school graduate.

Do you know what this
means, Grizz, Dotcom, Ken?

We're goin' to college!

- And so began the
craziest summer of my life.

- How'd you say that
without movin' your mouth?

- Say what?

- Lemon, how are you?

- You know what? I'm good.

I've got a book deal, a
free sandwich in my pocket,

and I have this weird,
loose feeling in my shoulders.

What is that?

- It's either happiness
or osteoporosis.

I think it's happiness.

You're getting yours.

- Jack, what have you done?

- I called in every favor I had.

He's my dad, Liz.

- Oh, my god, sheryl crow!

We were best friends
in elementary school!

Hi, sheryl!
- We're live in three...

Two...
- I'll talk to her later.

[Piano music]

- ♪ Sometimes life
brings pain and strife ♪

♪ and all seems wrong ♪

♪ that is when
you find a friend ♪

♪ and write a song ♪

- ♪ so give the gift of giving ♪

♪ give it far and give it wide ♪

- ♪ take the leap ♪

♪ reach down deep inside ♪

- ♪ and just give a kidney ♪

- ♪ to a father or a dad ♪

- ♪ just give a kidney ♪

- ♪ oh ♪

- ♪ we hear it doesn't
really hurt that bad ♪

- ♪ and we know
you'll want to give it ♪

- ♪ to a super human being ♪

- ♪ so get it done ♪

- ♪ we just need one ♪

- ♪ for Milton Greene ♪

- ♪ this country has
600 million kidneys ♪

- ♪ and we really
only need half ♪

♪ that leaves about
300 million kidneys ♪

- ♪ do the math ♪

- ♪ oh, Milton Greene, Milton
Greene, Milton Greene ♪

♪ Milton Greene, Milton Greene ♪

- ♪ he needs a kidney ♪

- ♪ Milton Greene,
don't ask why ♪

♪ he could die if
you don't call today ♪

- Listen, when someone starts
talking in the middle of a song,

you know it's serious.

- So give Milton a kidney.

We all believe in
this cause so much

that we're doin' it for free.

Except for sheryl.

- That's right, I'm the
only one gettin' paid.

- And only three
of us are drunk.

- Milton Greene needs a kidney.

Just like I need this beard.

You don't wanna
know what's under here.

- And while you
don't have two beards,

you do have two kidneys.

Think of it this
way, if I had $2,

I'd give you one, wouldn't I?

- I'm one of the drunk ones.

- ♪ They say that two
is better than one ♪

- ♪ but sometimes
one is better than two ♪

- ♪ if you had two heads,
you'd wish you had one ♪

- ♪ how is this different? ♪

- ♪ If you had two
dogs attackin' you ♪

♪ you'd want just one ♪

- ♪ there, we proved our point ♪

- ♪ oh, Milton Greene, Milton
Greene, Milton Greene ♪

♪ Milton Greene, Milton Greene ♪

- ♪ he needs a kidney ♪

- ♪ Milton Greene,
don't ask why ♪

♪ he could die if
you don't call today ♪

- ♪ he needs a kidney ♪

♪ no, he doesn't need a hand ♪

♪ he just needs a kidney ♪

- ♪ a hand would be an
even harder thing to give ♪

- ♪ when you give a kidney ♪

- We sure had quite a year.

- What're you talking
about? It's may.

- Shh.

- ♪ Do some good ♪

- ♪ we pass the cup ♪

♪ they stitch it up ♪

♪ you do some good ♪

- ♪ yeah, yeah ♪

- ♪ we pass the cup ♪

♪ they stitch it up ♪

♪ you do some good ♪

- ♪ oh, yeah ♪

[Cheers and applause]

- Yeah, that's good.