All language subtitles for @@S01E0111 - The Head and the Hair

We're back in two minutes!

So are you going
to ask out the Head?

The Head?

There are these two MSNBC guys

we keep seeing around,

and we don't know their names,

so we call them
the Head and the Hair.

How come?

So what are you, like 6'2"?

6'5".

Wow.

I see you're looking
at my watch.

What?

It's cool, isn't it?

That's a Japanese pie watch.

Oh, okay.

It tells time with
those little pie pieces.

Each piece is six minutes.

So right now,

it's six times four.

5:30. That can't be right.

My watch has these little hands

that go around
and point at numbers.

Hey, that's awesome, possum.

One minute!

The point is,

the Hair is ridiculously
good looking.

It's true.

He makes me nervous
just to be around.

And the Head
is perfectly harmless

and totally into
Ms. Liz Lemon.

Hmm...

Not as much as
he's into his pie watch.

I think the Head sounds
perfect for you right now.

I mean, low pressure,
high nerd factor, come on.

If you're serious

about getting
your personal life on track,

you need to work at it.

Okay, fine!
I'll ask him out.

I win.

No, the French maid
werewolf thing is cut.

You're supposed to be
Hillary Clinton right now.

What? Pete!

Gary!
Lutz!

What do you think sounds
like the better idea

for a new show?

A talk show without a host,

just the voice of the dead lady

from Desperate Housewives,

or a reality show with
a lot of super hot nannies

who move into a house
and help fat kids lose weight?

Never mind.

This television
programming stuff

is just one
unpredictable ass ache,

and I want you
to get it out of here.

Kenneth, please.

Come in.

Is this about the clementine

I took off the actors'
snack table?

Because the catering lady
already talked to me.

No, no.

No, I wanted to talk to you

about our corporate
"Bottoms Up" day.

Once a year,

all the Senior VPs spend one day

doing the job of one of
our lowest level employees.

Last year I was a welder

at one of our
locomotive factories,

and I made this.

And this year,

I'll be a page for a day,
and you'll be my boss.

Thank you, sir.

That's how the "Bottoms Up"
program works.

I'm going to be
your bottom, Kenneth.

And I want you to ride me
as hard as you can.

♪♪

Dude, this party was messed up!

They had girls dancing in cages.

And not the go-go cages,

the little dog cages that
you crate pit bulls in.

That is awesome.

That is upsetting.
That is awesome.

It couldn't have been
that great a party.

You're on time to work
for the first time ever.

January 17th.

Write it down, Cerie.
It's historic.

How dare you, Liz Lemon?

I'm not arriving to work.

I left the party on a bacon run.

Write it down, Cerie.

January 17th.

Just like every other day.

Oh, what's today's date?

January 17th.

20077

Yeah.
Ah, dammit!

I knew this was going to happen.

Toofer, pass me some paper.

What's wrong?

My autobiography
is due tomorrow.

Morning, boss.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Well, don't let it happen again.

Are you ready for an exciting

and challenging day?
You bet.

Yo!

Me, Toofer, and Frank are
gonna be writing my book

all day long,

and I think my snake is sick,

so I need you
to go out to my car

and rub his belly 'til he poops.

Our first assignment.

This is so annoying.

I just went down
to the ATM to get money,

and it gave me
a hundred-dollar bill.

So?
So?

It's like having
Confederate money.

No one's going to take that.

Whatever.

It'll give you
something interesting

to talk to the Head about.

Oh, yeah.
Am I doing that?

Yeah, right now.

Hi, can I help you?

Yes, I'm looking for...
the Head?

The head of what?

Yeah, how am I going to do this?

Hi. What are you
doing up here?

Oh, Chris Matthews
owes me ten bucks.

Yeah, you'll never get that.

My name is Gray, by the way.

You know, it's kind of funny.

My friend Jenna and I
didn't know your name,

so we've been
calling you the Hair.

The Hair?

How would you like it
if I called you Glasses?

I would be fine with that.

Oh, good, because that's what
I've been calling you.

Which was no help
when I was trying

to find your extension.

Why were you trying
to find my extension?

I have a friend who's opening up

a new restaurant in SoHo,
and I was hoping

What's that you'd go with me.

Do you want to go out
with me tonight?

Why?

Because it would be fun.

And you seem cool.

What?

1979.

I was looking for some money
in my mother's room,

and I found some naked pictures

under her mattress.

She was just sitting there
in her house coat,

holding one of her boobs
like this.

I knew she must have taken

those pictures
for her boyfriend Sonny.

Because Sonny used
to come over twice a month.

You knew when Sonny
was coming over,

'cause she would take us
to the store

and buy two steaks and a bottle
of Nair with cocoa butter.

How many pages

do we have now?

Five.

Make the letters bigger, Toof.

According to Wikipedia,

you were discovered
after doing stand-up

at the Apollo in 1984.

I have no memory of that.

Write it up.

Here is your salad.

And your change.

Oh, no.

Dude, is this spinach?

Yes, you, uh...

You asked for a spinach salad.

No, I like the stuff that
comes on the spinach salad,

but I wanted it with romaine.

So you want me to take it back?

I'm supposed to treat you
like Kenneth, right?

Yes.

Well, then, yeah, genius.

Get me a new salad.

Or get me a time machine

so I can go back in time
and smack your mom

for smoking crack
while she's pregnant.

Too much?

No, that's usually how it goes.

Hey, what happened?
Did you ask him?

Well, I was going to.

Oh, Liz.

But before I could,

the Hair asked me out.

What?
The the Hair?

What did you say?

I had to say yes.

He looked at me with those
crazy handsome-guy eyes.

It was like the Death Star
tractor beam

when the Falcon is... No, Liz.

Do not talk about stuff
like that on your date.

Guys like that
do not like Star Trek.

Wars!

I'm sorry.
You're right.

I don't go out on dates
with guys like Gray.

It feels wrong.

He's the Hair,
and I am a Head-plus, at best.

Or maybe you really are the Hair

and I'm the Head
in our relationship.

Oh, God, no.

Something is wrong with this.

I have upset the natural
balance of things.

Good morning, ladies.

I'm making a coffee run.

Would either of you care
for anything?

Liz and Jenna, nothing.

What's happening?

I don't know.

Good God, what
does that man do in here?

I don't know.

I've never met Brian Williams,

but his dressing room has
to be cleaned up every day

between 11 and 11:30.

That way, by the time
Mr. Williams

gets back from the liquor store,

it's nice and tidy.

Kenneth, a friend
of mine tipped me off

about a position

in our aviation division.

It's entry level only,
of course.

Is this tube sock filled
with bird seed?

Yes, sir.

Just put it in the basket
with the others.

At any rate, I'd be happy

to put in a good word for you.

What?

And leave show business?

No, thank you.

Kenneth, what's your plan?

Well, I like to start
cleaning in one corner,

and then work my way across
the room in a zig-zag.

No, no, no.
Your life plan.

You're learning nothing here.

You're doing nothing here.

You're a punching bag.

I like this job.

Kenneth, this is not a job.

This is an exercise
in constant humiliation.

You're fired.

I beg your pardon?

You said I'm
your boss for today.

So I fire you.

♪♪

How ya doin'?

Liz!

Hi.

This is Kiara, Francesca,

that's Talbot and that's Armand.

Hello.

Would you like
something to drink?

Yes, Pinot Grigio.
I'll be right back.

Is that bad?

So...

you guys been

watching Heroes?

I like the Japanese dude.

The hors d'oeuvres tonight
are boxes of pure oxygen

infused with a saffron
and a white truffle oil.

Wow.

Hey, how is it going?

Terrifying.

It's too much.

I just want to go home

and watch that show
about midgets

and eat a block
of cheddar cheese.

If it makes you feel any better,

I've discovered I'm not a Head.

I'll talk to you later.

Let's put the fun in funky.

Hey!

Hey, what are you doing?

Sorry, that party was just
a little too awesome for me.

Do you want to go
some place else,

just the two of us?

Okay, what's your game, friend?

Game?
There's no game.

What are you talking about?

I don't have any money,

if that's what you're after.

And I'm not one of those girls

that does weird stuff in bed,

because they think they have to.

If you're a gay guy
looking for a beard,

I don't do that anymore.

And if you're trying to harvest
my organs and sell them,

I have an uncle who's a cop,
so don't even try it.

Hey, we all have uncles
who are cops,

so just take it down a notch.

No hundreds.
Small bills.

Oh, I knew this
was going to happen.

Store policy.

Yeah, that's an illegal policy.

You have to take this.

No, I don't.

Yeah, sir.
You do.

See? It says right here:

"Legal tender for all debts

public and private."

Does it say anything about
$100 for a bottle of water?

You can't decide
what money you'll accept.

That's illegal.
It's an illegal policy.

You're holding up the line.

No, you're holding up the line.

♪♪

1998.

Well, I spent most of the summer

in the studio doing
my Christmas album,

which was huge.

I'm almost afraid to ask.

What Christmas album?

♪ Imagine Christmas wishes ♪

♪ Shooting out of your eyes ♪

♪ A candy cake ♪

♪ Full of snow dreams ♪

♪ A stocking full of smiles ♪

♪ It's a Jordan Christmas ♪

I remember that.

That video was raunchy.

Mm-hmm.

Hi.

Hi.

Did you get home
okay last night? Yeah.

Thank you for convincing me
to go back to the party.

It was fun.

Although I ate
way too much oxygen.

Yeah, you actually
got a little oxygen

right there on your...

coat.

Thank you.

This is going to sound pathetic,

but I'm kind of trying
to make myself do new things,

and last night was

all new for me, so that's good.

Okay, so here's something else
I bet you've never done before.

Call in sick to work
and go see a movie.

A movie?

A movie.

With you.
With me.

Now.
Right now.

Come on.

Good.

Oh, Pete, it's me.

I'm not coming in.
I have a flu thing, and I'm...

I just barfed on 6th Avenue.

Hi, Jack.

I was, uh...

This is Gray.

Nice to meet you.

Lemon, you're looking
a little under the weather.

Maybe you should go home.

Come on.

Kenneth, do you have a minute?

I sure don't.

Kenneth,

you and I actually
have a lot in common.

We're both hard workers.

When I was your age,

I was putting myself
through college in Boston,

paddling swan boats
for the tourists.

Is that a euphemism
for some kind of sex worker?

Kenneth, my point is,
I worked hard,

because I wanted
to get somewhere.

I had drive.

And it disappoints me
to see you without a dream,

content with this meaningless,

pitiful job.

Do you know why

I put up with this
pitiful job, Mr. Donaghy?

Why I fetch these folks' lunches

and clean up their barfs?

Because they make television.

And more than jazz,
or musical theater,

or morbid obesity,

television is the true
American art form.

Think of all
the shared experiences

television has provided for us.

From the moon landing
to the Golden Girls finale.

From Walter Cronkite

denouncing Vietnam

to Oprah pulling
that trash bag of fat

out in a wagon.

From the glory and the pageantry

of the Summer Olympics

to the less fun Winter Olympics.

So please,

don't tell me I don't
have a dream, sir.

I am living my dream.

Oh, my.

How did he get that up there?

I wish I shared your passion
for television, Kenneth.

Which show would you
rather watch?

An ex-porn star
who talks to ghosts,

or a remake of
Little House on the Prairie?

Neither.

I want to see a show

where women get their hair done,

while listening to salsa music.

I also have an idea
for a cop show.

Called K-9, exclamation point.

Oh, and a game show

called Gold Case.

It's a cross between
Deal or No Deal

and Millionaire, with
a charming celebrity host

to be determined.

Go on.

It's called Gold Case.

It's Deal or No Deal

meets Millionaire.

There are ten models,

each holding an
identical briefcase,

but one of them
is filled with gold.

Have you pitched this idea
to anybody else?

Well, I talked to Moonvest
over at CBS.

Les Moonves, president of CBS,
knows about this?

Hey, Moonvest,

I got an idea
for a game show last night.

Give me your fingernails!

No!

We've got to move fast.

Mr. Parcell,
we love Gold Case.

How do we make...

your show?

I thought y'all would know
where to get cameras and stuff.

I think he means,

"How much do you
want for it?"

Oh.

As far as compensation goes,

I would like to be officially
the head of the pages,

and I need a new clock radio.

You've got it up there,
now snap it off.

Also I want five points
on the back end,

20% gross on merchandizing,

and a creator credit on this
and any international editions.

And a clock radio.

We're a go.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Woke up in the camper
at the auto show,

and that's how 2006 ended.

20077

I can't believe this.

We're actually going
to pull this off.

It was early January 2007

when I got the idea
to write my autobiography.

So I took a meeting
at Random House,

and I went in and talked
to this editor about it

and this dude looked me straight
in the eyes and said,

"No, Mr. Jordan.
No, thank you.

We do not want your book."

Oops, my bad.

That's on me.

Shut it down.

No way.

Your elevator opens
right into your apartment?

Are you coming in?

I don't know.
This is new for me.

I don't really hang out with
superfluously handsome gentlemen

in kick-ass elevator lofts.

What else don't you do?

I don't smoke.

I don't use any drugs,
except for my allergy medicine.

I don't download music
without paying for it.

And I never wear flip-flops.
Ever.

It's gross.

Real? It's real.

I do not sit on laps.

Really?

No, not a lap-sitter.
Never have been.

Nice to see you again.

I thought you were
trying new things.

Okay.

It's just...
It's a small girl thing,

it's not a grown lady thing.

Okay.

All right, there you go.

Okay?

Mm-hmm.

See?
It's not so bad.

No, it's not bad.

I can't...

I keep waiting for
something to go wrong.

Liz, I am not gay,
I am not married,

I don't have a human head
in my freezer.

Yeah, but you're the Hair.

And so are you.

Okay, we're going
to do this, then.

Mm-hmm.

Why do you have a picture
of my great-aunt Dolly?

Uh, no, that's my grandmother's
cousin Dolly.

Dolly Harlan.

No, I said Dolly...

Harlan.

From Smithtown.

Oh, my God.
We're related.

Oh, no.
Oh, God.

Wow.

This is the worst!

Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt
were fifth cousins.

Okay, on the count of three,
say what level of cousins

we would have to be
for this to be okay.

One,

two, three.

Fifth. Unacceptable,
no matter what.

This is never going to work.

Of course it's not.
It never was.

This is what I get for trying
to be somebody I am not.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Look, look.

I meant what I said earlier.

You are a Hair, Liz Lemon.

It's in our blood.

Accept it.

Embrace it.

I think we're third cousins.

Yeah, I'll see you
at the reunion.

Kind of wish you had
a door right now.

♪♪

All right, Jeff.

One of these briefcases

is filled with a million
dollars' worth

of solid gold.

Are you ready?

Let's play Gold Case!

♪♪

That one.

Clank!

Congratulations.

You struck gold on Gold Case.

Uh-oh.
What?

That one.

That one.

That one.

Clank!

Congratulations.

You struck gold on Gold Case.

Oh, gold's real heavy, isn't it?

This game doesn't work.

Okay, my bad.
Shut it down.

Shut it down!

That's it!

At least you got
a clock radio out of it, right?

Whose idea was this?

This is pathetic.

A joke.
This whole show is a joke.