All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S16E06.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

(Music and cheers)

Hi.
Hello.

Hi!
Oh, Regis.

Hi everybody, it’s a beautiful
day here in Saudi Arabia.

Oh, you said it, it’s
hot though, it’s hot.

Yes, very hot, very hot.

Very hot, yeah.

Of course, we’re not allowed to
tell you where we are exactly.

But we’re here, we’ve
been here all week.
Top secret, top secret.

Spending Thanksgiving
with our soldiers.

The man in green, yeah.

That’s right, and it’s been
a lot of fun, a lot of fun.

Oh, It’s rewarding.
There they are.

It’s rewarding.

Cathy, I think you can
take that thing off now.

Oh, I hope so, my pleasure.

Uh! Yeah! Oh!

That’s the veil
Cathy has to wear,

the town where we’re staying.

Girly to the max, you know.
Yeah.

(Laughter)

A lot of restrictions, lot of
restrictions

in this Moslem town.

And of course, we’re
putting this up,

but, we should be able
to do anything you want.

Oh! Here we go, here we go.

Not to mention the
sand in my shoe.

Ouch!

Anyway, you ready for this?
You ready for this?

Look, and the Sahara
desert in my shoes.

Here we go.
Is that enough sand for you?

We have time for
this, gentlemen?

Anyway, anyway.

Honestly, Reg, yeah.

We arrived in Riyadh to check
in the Ackman Hotel

where we had reservations.

Oh, Reg, here we go now.

And we get there,
what happens?
Right.

Sorry, President Bush,
has the entire hotel.

The entire hotel.
He’s the president, Reg.

She’s interrupting me.
He’s the president.

You’re just hyper
because Harry Hamlin,
is going to be on tomorrow.

Reg! No!

Watch out, Gifford.

I love you, Frank, I do.

All right, all right,
there is she, there she is.

We know you love him.

I know! I do!

He’s so sweet.

Let it go.

(Laughter)

Anyway, anyway, another hotel,
it’s very nice

and I wish the president, well.

We do, yes, we do, yes.

So, so what did you do
last night?

Oh, Reg, I played with Cody.

Again, with the Cody.

Oh, I love him.

She brings him everywhere.

He’s here today.

Can we bring him out,
would you like to see?

Oh, he’s so sweet.
There’s my baby.

Oh, there’s my sweet baby.

What are you doing
with his face?

Well, it’s sunscreen, Reg.
You know, you can’t be
too careful in the desert.

Great, he looks like Al Jolson.

(Laughter)
Oh Reg.

Let him get on one knee
and say mommy!

Oh, Reg, come on!

Anyway, he’s a cute kid.

It’s his first day in sun,

we want to protect him,
we wish him the best.

Ok!

There we go, there we go.

Saying Mammy, OK.

Anyway, he’ll never be tan
as Gifford,

but that’s another story.
Well---

Anyway, anyway,
you ready for this?

We got a great show today.
Oh, we sure do, yeah.

Good show, Mr. Food is here
with tips on how to stretch
your Thanksgiving dollar.

Great! Great,
great, great.

Which will be nice.
Dr. Timothy Benjamin,
the baby psychologist.

He’s a good man.

Yes, she’s a good man, good man.

Radu, the trainer,
with some exercises.

That will be fun.
That will be fun,
yeah. Yeah.

And Kathie lee, I understand
you got a little number planned.

(Laughter)

Anyway, anyway,
we’re having fun here.

Before we get
to the trivia question
that was sent to us

from Josephine Bauer
from Pensacola, Florida,
we got a little thing here.

It says, the Regis, good
luck beating the heat.

Here we are. You ready for this?

Is this nice? Look at this.

What is that, Reg?

Look at that - oh, put it on.

You want to see him put it on?
Put it on.

Put it on?
Put it on!

Anyway, there we are.

I’m in the desert!

Open sesame!
I’m in the foreign legion.

I’m out of control!
Oh, oh, I’m out of control!

Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, are you ready for this?
Are you ready for this?

Live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night.

(Music and cheers)

It’s Saturday Night Live.

(Music)

With Dana Carvey

Phil Hartman

Jan Hooks

Victoria Jackson

Dennis Miller

Mike Myers

and Kevin Nealon

with Chris Farley

Chris Rock

Julia Sweeney

and featuring, Rob Schneider

G.E. Smith and the
Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Paul Simon.

And starring, Dennis Hopper.

(Music and applause)

(Music)

* Holiday time every once
in a brother. *

* Shows up for dinner,
with my father and my mother. *

* Family at the table getting
crazy and loud saying--- *

* Ain’t enough Turkey
to feed this clan. *

(Music)

* The bird’s too small,
to feed us all. *

* But your mama says pump
it, pump it up, no pump it. *

* Get a knife in the Turkey,
and pump it. *

* Make it big now. *

* Pump it up. *

* Pump it up. *

* The first Turkey dinner
was 1620. *

* The Pilgrims had it
in the land of plenty. *

* Nothing was chill with the
harvest down *

* but the red brother knew he
had enough to go around. *

* He do the pumping. *

* Pump it up now, pump it.
Pump the bird. *

* Pump it. *

* Make it big now, pump it. *

* Pump it up. *

* So if your holiday table
ain’t looking too full, *

* get a Nikey Turkey,
it’s adjustable. *

* And, pump it. *

* Pump it up. *

(Man speaking)
If it doesn’t say Nikey,
it’s not a Turkey.

* Pump it up *

(Applause)

(Music and applause)

(Don Pardo speaking)
And now, Weekend Update

with anchorperson,
Dennis Miller.

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you, good evening,
and what can I tell you?

Yesterday, president Bush flew
to Prague, Czechoslovakia

launching an eight day tour
and it is a hard one.

Yesterday and today,
he’s in Czechoslovakia.

Tomorrow, Sunday, He’ll be in
Germany and then France

until Wednesday and then, to
Saudi Arabia for Thanksgiving.

Then to Egypt
on Thursday and Friday

and he’ll return to
Washington, DC.

White House travel agent, jay
Leno, says what’s the big deal?

You get on the plane,
you tell the jokes.

(Laughter)

Former president,
Jimmy Carter, this week,

as ailed president
Bush’s decision to increase

US troop deployment,
in the Persian Gulf

and called for negotiations
rather than a, quote,

"massive self-destructive
almost suicidal war", end quote.

Bush then reminded Carter of his
own heavily botched efforts

to rescue the hostages from
Iran in 1980 and Carter said,

all right, all right,
I’ll shut up, I’ll shut up.

(Laughter)

Beirut lost its city charter
this week and has been

officially declared a huge
open air Nintendo game.

The Federal gov’t has announced
plans to build 1000 bed prison

in the District of Columbia.

Why don’t we just build it
in the Capitol Building.

We can save money
on transportation.

The coronation of
Emperor Akihito of Japan
was marred on Tuesday

when his wife, Empress Michiko,
in mid ceremony,

stole the emperor’s wallet, and
exploded away from the scene

using the jet pack she has
concealed under her kimono.

(Applause)

Vice president Quayle is in
Japan this week and clumsily

knocked down a Japanese teenager
while going for the bouquet,

at an official state wedding.

(Laughter)

Quayle, Quayle then return
to the states

where he stood behind
President Bush
where upon the president

broke into an impromptu
rendition of me and my shadow.

(Laughter)

Donald Trump was late this week
on a $47.3 million payment

of the Sloan for the
Atlantic City Taj Mahal Casino.

Trump defended his lateness
by saying he has misplaced

his payment coupon book.

(Laughter)

Salman Rushdie’s new
book, a children’s story,

entitled Haroun and the sea of
stories was published this week.

Almost immediately, a new death
threat was issued against him

by Dr. Seuss.

(Laughter)

New York witness protection
program, is under fire,

due to recent reports indicating
leaks in confidentiality.

Complaints were filed by several
participants including

Nancy Shenkman, 391 Williston
road, Cayugan, New York.

(Laughter)

Here with an editorial
about taxes and crime

is SNL correspondent,
Chris Rock.

Welcome, Chris.

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you, Dennis.

(Applause)

Hey, you know before
I started comedy,

I used to work at McDonald’s,
making minimum wage.

Do you know what it means when
somebody pays you minimum wage?

You know what your
boss is trying to say?

It’s like, hey, if I could
pay you less, I would.

But it’s against the law.

Now, minimum wages to come up to
about $200 a week

and then they would take of
$50.00 in taxes.

That’s a lot of money if
you’re only making $200 a week.

That’s kind of like kicking
Monday and Tuesday in the ass,

OK?

I hate taxes.

I hate checks.

I hate the fact that they put to
amounts of money on your check.

It’s like, this is the money you
work all week for,

and this is what
you’re going to get.

I mean, don’t show me this
money I’m not getting.

Don’t tease me.

Don’t take off your bra, and
say, what you looking at?

(Laughter)

I think taxes are one
of the reasons

there’s so much committee.

Other reasons, this big fuss
over prison overcrowding.

Prison overcrowding,
I don’t get it.

I thought that was the
whole idea of prison.

It’s a place for prisoners
to feel uncomfortable.

You know, like my house,
we slept four to a bed.

We never try to hang
my father, you know.

All right, now, the jails are
so nice to come back twice, man.

I mean, they don’t have this
problem in other countries.

Nobody goes to Siberia twice.

They’ll have this problem in
Iraq because it’s hard

to snatch another purse if you
don’t have another hand.

(Laughter)

You know---

(Laughter and applause)

Well, It’s pretty hard
to lie to the judge

when you have no tongue
in your mouth.

It’s like, so when you plead?

(Fooling him self)

And a rapist...

(Laughter and applause)

We’re far too nice
to our criminals.

Criminals get three meals a day.

Homeless people,
don’t get anything.

That’s messed up, man.

I think criminals should
get one meal a day, dinner.

You know, not on a tray
like normal people.

Just put a cow on the courtyard,
whatever happens, happens.

You know,, you missed a meal, go
to death row

and get the extra meat
off the electric chair.

Boo.

All right, I know that’s harsh
but I hate the electric chair.

You know why, ’cause
it’s electric.

Electricity goes through there.

Electricity costs money,
taxpayers money, my $50.00,

(Laughter)

to kill a guy that
ain’t were 2---

I mean, there’s a lot of
cheap ways to kill people,

like stabbing,
don’t cause a damn thing.

You know, get a nice
little stabbing chair---

All right, that’s all
I got to say for this.

Thank you, Chris
Rock, yeah, great job.

Thanks a lot.

All right.

(Applause)

Chris Rock

(Applause)

Well, the new Rocky
came out this week.

What is this one?
Rocky Pie?

(Laughter)

No, actually It’s Rocky five.

You all remember Rocky
one, two, three, and four.

(Applause)

In this new Rocky, Rocky
boxes Jason for the title,

Jason sticks him with a ginzu,
whips off the hockey mask,

he’s James Cisco.

(Laughter)

Here’s another Rocky
ad with a review,

"an unqualified hit an
unbeatable movie of the heart,

a winner, Joanna Langfield,
LBS, movie minute". Wow!

Joanne Langfield, from
the LBS movie minutes.

You know, usually when you dip
that far down

into the review barrel, you have
to use a bathysphere.

(Laughter)

Grammy winning album this week

said that they did not actually
sing on the record and

that in concerts the lip sync
their entire performance.

Did they really think they
could get away with that?

When asked what they plan to
do now, Millie on the left,

said he planned to go back to
his old job

as the president’s dog.

(Laughter)

Yeah.

(Laughing)

(Laughter)

Yeah.

Yeah! Millie, get off my
leg, get off my leg.

The fiesta bowl in Arizona is
trying to find teams to play

in its January 1, 1990 games .

Scrabbling began after
Arizona, last week,

voted down a Martin Luther
king junior holiday.

Virginia, Penn state, and other
major teams have all passed

on the fiesta bowl and there
now down

to two really small colleges,

you probably never
heard of, Holy Burning Cross vs.

the David Duke Blue Devils.

(Laughter)

Palm springs Mayor Sonny Bono an
ounce this week

that he will run for the
U.S. senate in 1992.

At last, a Bono
amidst the bozos.

Macdonald’s corporation this
week announced that it’s testing

a new low fat hamburger
to please the waistline.

it will be just like the old
McDonald’s hamburger

but it will be 91% fat free and
1/32nd of an inch in diameter.

Guess what, folks?

That’s the news and I am out.

(Music)
(Cheers and applause)

Well, hi, Pam.

Hi, Donna, god, I
need some coffee.

Oh, had a great time of
Bowman’s retirement party, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, is Neal in?

Why?

Oh, I was just
wondering, you know,

if Neil was in or John or
Ted or Kate for that matter.

Individually or in a group
just a general, hey/ who’s in?

John, or Ted, or Neil.

Come on, did you sleep
with Neal last night?

God, how did you know?

Oh come on, please.

You know, you guys
were so drunk,

you are making out
on the roof of a car.

Yeah.
We were?

Did everybody see?

Well know, but I did.

But then, you know
it was my car, so---

(Laughter)

Oh god.

Yeah, so what was he like?

He was great.

I think.

Really?

Please don’t tell anyone.

Oh Kat, this is Donna,
you’re talking to.

And besides, who would I tell?

I know, you know how you
just have to say that.

I know.

(Laughter)

Well, hello, Neal.

(Laughter)

Hi, Donna.

Hi, Pam.

Hi, Neal.

Just waiting for the
Xerox machine to warm up.

Just having a coffee.

So, how you doing?

Fine, how are you?

I’m a little tired today.

Me, too.

We were pretty drunk
last night.

Yeah.

I mean, I wasn’t so drunk that
I didn’t know what I was doing.

No, I mean, it was
nice, wasn’t it?

Yeah, it was great.

So, you have a busy day
to day?

Yeah, I have a customer
I’m meeting at noon.

So--

Yeah, those are always fun.

Yeah, I know I have a
Brisk Myers budget analysis

due at five.

Yeah, yeah, oh, I had
to do that last year.

That’s a toughie.

I know, I just got

the advertising figures
yesterday, so---

Are you including the
eastern hemisphere cost?

Oh, of course, you know,
Jim Epperson is always looking

for the eastern hemisphere cost.

Oh yeah, I forgot.

Yeah, on top of it, the legal
expenditure ledgers

are totally messed up.

Oh, tell me about it.

You calculated your
overhead fees yet?

Yeah.

(Laughter)

I still have interest
to calculate.

I have a program that does that.

Oh, is it on Lotus?

(Laughter and applause)

Because the whole
program is on Lotus.

Yeah, yeah, I have
a disk in my office.

Oh!

Oh great, everybody’s here.

Everybody, we have
an announcement.

Before any rumor starts.

Last night, after
Bowman’s retirement party,

Henry and I made love.

In the parking lot.

(Laughter)

We decided to begin our
relationship

and we just want everybody
to know, all right?

Yeah, congratulations.

Thanks, thanks.

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)

Good evening and welcome to
what animal were you raised by?

My guest tonight is a man who
was raised

by both apes and flamingos.

(Laughter)

But not at the same time.

Is that correct?

That’s right.

First, I was raised by
apes, and then by flamingos.

Now how did that happen?

Well, when I was a baby, the
airplane I was in

crashed in the jungle
and I was raised by apes.

And then the apes tried to
build an airplane

but it wasn’t a very
good one and it crashed.

And they were all killed.

Yes.

And then what happened?

I was adopted by a
group of flamingos.

(Laughter)

And they also tried
to build a plane?

Yes, they did, but it was
worse than the ape’s plane.

It couldn’t even
get off the ground.

It could barely taxi around.
It sounded sort of like this---

(Fooling himself)
Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa...pa-pa-pa-pa-pa

(Laughs)

(Laughter)

I...yes---

What was your job on
the plane?

Well, I was the navigator,
but you know, like I said,

we mainly just went
around in circles, I mean,

it’s sort of looked like
a little rascal airplane.

You know, sticks---

Oh, yes.

You know, it’s odd, isn’t it,
that your parents

could already fly, and yet they
wanted to fly in an airplane.

It is odd, isn’t it?

What happened to your
flamingo parents?

They were killed.

Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.
How did that happen?

Oh, I shot them.

You see,, you see, for about
a month after the apes,

I was raised by a
group of hunters.

So, whenever I’d see
mom and dad flying over,

I get this urge just to shoot
them and so I did, I did.

Finally.

What other animals
were you raise by?

Dung Beatles.

(Soft laughter)

And did they build
an airplane?

No, they had absolutely
no interest in aviation.

That’s strange,
that strange.

Yes.

Now, dung beetles actually
eat dung, don’t they?

Know, no, don’t say that.
Don’t say that.

Those are my parents.

But it’s true, isn’t it?

No, no, no, shut up,
just shut up about it.

Well, I think we
better move on.

You know I just want
to say one thing.

If you got hungry enough,
believe me, you’d eat dung.

(Laughter)

I’m sure I would.
I’m sure I would.

But to sum up, what did you
learn from your animal parents?

Well, from the
flamingos, I think

I learned my sense of justice
and fair play.

And from the apes, I
learn that

if you put a twig in the hole in
a tree, ants will crawl onto it,

and you can eat those ants.

(Laughter)

And what did you learn
from the dung beetles?

You know, to be honest
with you, not much.

I mean, they were mainly
rolling balls of dung

with their hind legs,
you know.

Which you ate?

I warned you.

Those are my parents
you’re talking about.

(Man speaking)
Join us next week

on what
animal were you raised by.

(Music)
(Cheers and applause)

(Music)

Hi, welcome to
gambling to win,

I’m Stan Duffy,
professional gambler.

OK, successful gambling is
about two basic principles.

Money management
and discipline.

It’s important to set a win goal
and a lost limit

and when you reach that
win goal, you got to have

the discipline to walk away.
You got to learn how to quit.

You got to always walk
away with something.

All right, now let’s say I walk
into the casino

with a bankroll of $100.

And from that, I won $60.00
which I actually just did.

I’m going to take my original
bank roll of $100

and I’m going to stick it
in my pocket

and I’m going to leave it alone.

I’m going to pretend it’s not
even there

because you always got
to walk away with something.

All right, so rule number one,
never dip into your bank roll.

OK, now, I’m going to play
conservative

with my $60.00 winnings and
that’s how I want you to play.

Oh, and another thing, a
little perk about casinos,

as long as you’re gambling,
you always get free drinks.

All right, I’m going to take 25%
of my $60.00 winnings or $15.00.

I’m going to place it on black.

There’s all different kinds of
ways of winning at roulette.

(Phil Hartman speaking)
Stan Duffy’s videotape
roulette, how to win,

has taught thousands of
gamblers how to win at
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Send $39.95 to Stan Duffy’s
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Visa or MasterCard accepted.

OK, I’ve been here for a while,
I’ve lost my $60.00 winnings

but I’m still playing.

Did I dip into my back row?

Yes, I did and I’m
not proud of it.

(Laughter)

But remember rule number
two, what the hell?

How often do you
make it to Vegas.

Am I right?

All right, oh,
thank you very much.

Now, I’m going to take 50% of my
a regional bank roll, all right?

And I’m going to
place it on 24 black.

Why? Because my mechanic is
24 and Afro American.

I think there’s something there.

All right, Now I’, going to
leave the rest of my bankroll

in my pocket and I’m going to
pretend it never existed

because you always get to walk
away with something.

Plus, I’m still taking
advantage of the free drinks.

(Soft laughter)

OK, OK, my number didn’t come
up, but we’re still in the game.

Why? Because I still got $50.00
left on my original bank roll.

I almost forgot it was in there.

All right, I’m going to take
$40.00 off it

and I’m going to put it
on the red.

Why? Because I got a hunch.

Rule number three,
always follow your hunch.

Now, you notice
I’m saving $10.00.

Why? Because you always got to
walk away with something.

I’m going to say that
$10.00 for food, lodging,

and transportation.

I’m going to put it
back in my pocket.

It’s not even here.
OK? It doesn’t even exist.

OK, let’s see what happens.

Stan Duffy’s videotape casino
buffets on how to sneak in,

has helped scores of unlucky
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on a full stomach.

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OK, it’s 4:00 AM.

I won $20.00 then I
got a little excited,

got a little sloppy
and I lost it.

Including the $10.00 I was
saving for food and lodging,

but it’s OK.

I took out a loan of $150
from a guy named Sal.

Interest rates are
very high, but it’s OK.

I know I’m going
to win big tonight.

It’s not even a question.

I know what I’m doing, he’s
going to get his money back.

It’s going to be all right.

Stan Duffy’s videotape hiding
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has helped hundreds

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OK, I lost everything
but I still have a drink.

And if I look like
I’m still gambling,

I can probably still
get free drinks.

Rule number six, look like
you’re still gambling

and get those free drinks.

I’m walking away
with something.

Stan Duffy’s videotape
alcohol and gambling,

why you can’t quit,
not now anyway. Order today.

(Applause)

(Music)

(Music playing)

Are we going to take this
picture or stand here all day?

General Bolregad, I can
understand

and I appreciate your patience,
but I simply cannot begin

until General Stewart
gets here.

Where is General Stewart,

he knew this was scheduled
for 3:00?

Can we just take the
picture without him?

Jeb Stewart is the eyes
and ears of this army.

I can’t have a group portrait of
my staff and not have him in it.

Well, I think it’s
really selfish.

He knew we said 3:00,
it’s 3:15 already

and I waited here
since 2:45.

It’s really selfish.
I’m going to go find him.

No wonder we aren’t
winning the war.

We can’t even get together to
get a stupid group picture.

Here we go, General.

Thank you, Nero.

Here’s your clean sword.

Here comes General Stewart now.

There he is, finally.

Someone told me the
blacksmith’s tent.

Hopping over there
for half an hour.

Who told you the
blacksmith’s tent?

It doesn’t matter,
it doesn’t matter.

Can’t we just take
the picture now?

I believe some of us are
involving a little thing

called the civil war.

I am ready.

Wait a minute, were is
General Bolregard?

He was just here.

He went looking for
General Stewart.

Which way?
I’ll go find him.

No, you stay right
here, do not move.

Oh, here he comes.

Bolregard, why do
you do this to me?

Well, hold on, I am the victim
here, I was here at 2:45.

Let’s begin, shall we?

All right, gentlemen,
shall we find our pose?

General Lee, you’re fine,
seated there, very good.

General Bolregard.

Why don’t you try
leaning on your sword?

Something like this,
yes, very good.

Colonel Patterson, would you
perhaps stare off

at an odd direction for me.

Major Mackenzie, could use stare
off at the opposite direction,

thank you.

General Stewart, how
about folding your arms?

Very good, fine.

General Hood, why don’t
you switch places with
Colonel Patterson?

There we go and kind of
tuck in there nicely.

There we are, very good.

OK, we all have our positions.

Oh, I do have an idea.

Yes?

How about general Hood and I
hold our swords out like this,

while Colonel Patterson, he
stands on a barrel

and then we can lift him up.

What do you think?
Hold him up?

What do you think about
trying something like that?

No, General Stewart,
there’ll be none of that.

Jefferson Davis is probably
going to look at this picture

and I don’t want to be seen
joking around

with a couple of goofballs.

Yes, sir.

All right, are we all in?

Come on, Nero, get in here.

Me?

No, General Hood, you don’t
want me in your picture.

Don’t be silly, come on.

Well, OK.

(Laughter)

What is he doing
in the picture?

Come on, he’s been
a big help.

Besides, he puts up
a lot around here.

All right, well, next
time, ask me first.

Let’s take a picture.

All right, gentlemen.

Now, look who’s in
the center again.

What?

Oh, I don’t care, you
want to stand here?

No.

No, you, General Hood
because I don’t care.

Forget it.

Shall we proceed?

All right, gentlemen.

One, two---

three.
(Soft explosion)

All right, now hold on.

Let’s get out of here.

Now, hold on, just a
minute, I’m sorry, sir,

I know you’re going to kill
me, but I forgot to put

iodine solution
on the silver plate.

We’ll just have to do this...

Oh no.. Come on.

Sorry, gentlemen, we
have to do it once more.

That’s all.

That’s all right, I think
my eyes were closed.

Well, leave them open.

All right, are we ready?

One, two, three.

(Music)
(Cheers and applause)

(Music)

Paul Simon.

Dennis Hopper.

(Both laugh)

Lorne Michaels, happy birthday.

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)